#i expect myself to create constantly and be good at it right away but i'm Not and that's okay | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tleeaves · 14 days

Text

Folks going "WHAT they made a show about the Fallout franchise?? I've been hearing people say Bethesda messed it up, but I haven't watched it myself, so I'm going to trust the word of other people -- some of which also haven't finished watching it" is driving me insane.

Being a hard core fan of something obviously brings with it a lot of passionate feelings when adaptations come into play. Of course, there's going to be people going "but in 8 episodes of the first ever season they made, they didn't explore Theme C or D, didn't introduce factions E and F and G, and because the source company is notorious for its scams, we and everyone else who's a TRUE fan should hate it".

The Amazon Original series Fallout follows the videogame franchise of the same name. It is a labour of love and you can tell by the attention to detail, the writing, the sets, and YES THE THEMES ARGUE WITH THE WALL. It's clearly fan service. I mean, the very characterisation of Lucy is a deadringer for someone playing a Fallout game for the first time. She embodies the innocent player whose expectations drastically change in a game that breaks your heart over and over again. Of course, she's also the vessel through which we explore a lot of themes, but I'll get to that.

There're some folks arguing that the show retcons the games, and I gotta say... for a website practically built on fandom culture, why are we so violently against the idea of someone basing an adaptation on a franchise that so easily lends itself to new and interesting interpretations? But to be frank, a lot of what AO's Fallout is not that new. We have: naive Vault dweller, sexy traumatised ghoul that people who aren't cowards will thirst over, and pathetic guy from a militaristic faction. We also have: total atomic annihilation, and literally in-world references to the games' lore and worldbuilding constantly (the way I was shaking my sister over seeing Grognark the Barbarian, Sugar Bombs, Cram, Stimpaks, and bags of RadAway was ridiculous). Oh, and the Red Rocket?? Best pal Dogmeat? I'm definitely outing myself as specifically a Fallout 4 player, but that's not the point you should be taking away from this.

The details, the references, and the new characters -- this show is practically SCREAMING "hey look, we did this for the fans, we hope you love it as much as we do". Who cares that the characters are new, they still hold the essence of ones we used to know! And they're still interesting, so goddamn bloody interesting. Their arcs mean so much to the story, and they're told in a genuinely intriguing way. This isn't just any videogame adaptation, this was gold. This sits near Netflix's Arcane: League of Legends level in videogame adaptation. Both series create new plots out of familiar worlds.

Of course, those who've done the work have already figured out AO's Fallout is not a retcon anyway. But even if it was, that shouldn't take away from the fact that this show is actually good. Not even just good, it's great.

Were some references a little shoe-horned in to the themes by the end of the show, such as with "War never changes"? Yes, I thought so. But I love how even with a new plot and characters, they're actually still exploring the same themes and staying true to the games. I've seen folks argue otherwise, but I truly disagree. The way capitalism poisons our world, represented primarily through The American Dream and the atomic age of the 45-50s that promoted the nuclear family dynamic -- it's there. If you think it's glorifying it by leaning so heavily into in the adaptation, I feel like you're not seeing it from the right angle. It's like saying Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck glorifies the American Dream, when both this book and the Fallout franchise are criticisms of it. If you think about it, the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout is a graveyard to the American Dream. This criticism comes from the plots that are built into every Fallout story that I know of. The Vaults are literally constructed to be their own horror story just by their mere existence, what they stand for, what happens in each of them. The whole entire show is about the preservation of the wrong things leading to fucked up worlds and people. The missions of the Vaults are time and again proven to be fruitless, unethical, plain wrong. Lucy is our brainwashed character who believed in the veritable cult she lived in before she found out the truth.

So then consider the Brotherhood of Steel. I really don't think it exists in the story to glorify the military. We see just how much the Brotherhood has brainwashed people like Max (also, anything ominously named something like "the Brotherhood" should raise eyebrows). Personally, I don't like Max, but I am intrigued by his characterisation. I thought the end of his arc was rushed the way he "came good" basically, but [SPOILERS] having him embraced as a knight in the Brotherhood at the end against his will -- finally getting something he always wanted -- and him grimly accepting it from all that we can tell? Him having that destiny forced upon him now that he's swaying? After he defected? If his storyline is meant to be a tragedy, it wouldn't surprise me, because Fallout is rife with tragedies anyway. And a tragedy would also be a criticism of the military. That's what Max's entire arc is. It goes from the microcosm focusing on the cycle of bullying between soldiers to the macro-environment where Max is being forced to continue a cycle of violence against humanity he doesn't want to anymore because a world driven to extremes forces him to choose it to survive (not to mention what a cult and no family would do to his psyche). Let's not forget what the Brotherhood's rules are: humankind is supreme. Mutants, ghouls, synths, and robots are abominations to be hated and destroyed. If you can't draw the parallels to the real world, you need to retake history and literature classes. The Brotherhood is also about preserving the wrong things, like the Vaults (like the Enclave, really). They just came about through different method. The Enclave is capitalism and twisted greed in a world where money barely exists anymore. The Brotherhood is, well, fascism plain and simple.

Are these the only factions in the Fallout franchise? Hell no. But if you're mad about that -- that they're the main ones explored, apart from the NCR -- I think you're missing the point. These themes, these reminders, are highly relevant in the current climate. In fact, I almost think they always will be relevant unless we undergo drastic change. On the surface-level, Fallout seems like the American ideal complete with guns blazing that guys in their basements jerk off to. Under that surface, is a mind-fuck story about almost the entire opposite: it's a deconstruction of American ideals that are held so closely by some, and the way that key notion of freedom gets twisted, and you're shooting a guy in-game because it's more merciful than what the world had in store for him.

I mean, the ghoul's a fucking cowboy from the wild west character he used to play in Hollywood glam and his wife was one of the people who helped blow up America in the name of capitalism and "peace". There are so many layers of this to explore, I'd need several days to try and keep track and go through it all.

The Amazon Prime show is a testament to the Fallout franchise. The message, the themes? They were not messed up or muddled or anything of the sort, in my opinion.

As for Todd Howard, that Bethesda guy, I'm sure there's perfectly valid reasons to hate him. I mean, I've hated people for a lot less valid reasons, and that's valid. We all got our feelings. But the show is about more than just him. My advice is to keep that in mind when you're judging it.

120 notes · View notes

the-almighty-god · 6 months

Note

Dear God, I desperately need your help.

I'm not feeling myself. That's the long story short.

I can't feel my legs and my head, and it feels so lightweight. It's almost as if I'm going to faint or my soul flying away.

This used to happen to me before, but only when I'm crossing roads(??) And now, it's happening all of the time. I wake up, and the next thing I know is that I'm this close to blacking out. Also, my energy levels are fluctuating like hell! And so are my moods. I'm constantly thinking, getting distracted, having trouble focusing, and I can't get my job done! I feel so old in my young body. I'm feeling like a 13 year old and yet like a 32 year old person. I look at myself and go, "Wait! That's me. Why do i look like this? It's weird. I'm not supposed to be this girl." And this is so much for a 15 year old (almost 16) me. I should be just stressing about my studies, not anything else!

Why am I like this? I pray that I'll be well soon, but it's so hard. I've tried talking to my parents. I always try, but they just dismiss it outright, or sometimes they interrupt and start venting about themselves.

(I'm asking for help, I'm practically screaming, but no one hears it or cares to help. Why am I so alone? What did I do to deserve this?)

Also! Here's your whale! 🐋

I hope you're having a good time in your place!😊😊

I hear you. You did nothing to deserve this. You are not alone.

You're (almost) sixteen.

Teenage years are difficult and confusing for everyone. I'm not saying that to dismiss or belittle what you're going through. Quite the opposite actually. I'm saying that so you know that there isn't anything wrong with you.

It sounds to me like you're experiencing anxiety, and perhaps a bit of disassociation, too. And there still isn't anything wrong with you.

The world is scary, especially right now, and so anxiety is natural. That doesn't mean it can't be managed.

Although I'm God, not a doctor, so you'll need a trained professional for an actual diagnosis, as well as to help you find a treatment that works for you.

These feelings that you've having will never fully go away. In fact, when you're thirty-two, you--or at least part of you--will still feel like you're sixteen.

You don't feel yourself at the moment because right now you're still figuring out who yourself is. And the older you get the more yourself you'll become.

The new parts of you that you discover. The new parts of you that you create. The parts of you that were there all along. Some of them hiding, that you're now ready to show. Some that you never hid. The influences from others, real and fictional. The growth from experiences, good and bad.

You'll never fully figure out who you are, because you'll always be growing and changing. But you will develop a stronger sense of you and from then on, you'll just be refining it.

I'm sorry that your parents are dismissing your legitimate concerns, some of which may need medical and psychological attention.

While I can't speak for them, I can speak for myself as a creator. I admit that when your child is struggling, it makes you feel like a failure, and so it can be easier to write it off as ungratefulness or childish complaining, or turn it around and it make it all about yourself and your suffering.

Part of growing up is realizing that your parents are human. They have flaws, and they also have traumas. They're not perfect, and can't be expected to be. Another part of growing up is forgiving them for this--if they deserve it. Not all parents do.

Likewise, parents also must realize that their children are human. Their own people, independent beings separate from the parents. And sometimes what your children go through actually isn't your fault (regardless of whether your child is blaming you in the moment), but rather just part of the general struggle of human existence, and actually has nothing at all to do with you.

This revelation can be jarring. You go from your child depending on you for their every need to them no longer needing you. Or at least not for the things that were simple to take care of, like meals and diaper changes, but now needing you to guide them through the more complex problems of life, without solving the problems for your child--if they even can be solved.

Not all of them can. And that's a lesson that is as painful to watch your child go through as it is to go through it yourself when you were their age.

It's a difficult transition for everyone involved. It's your first time as a teenager, and perhaps their first time as parents of a teenager. All of you are going to make mistakes. (It's still on your parents to be the adults, though, because you're still a child.)

Now all of that was more explanation than advice. So here is my advice:

To address your lightheadedness, almost blackouts, and lack of feeling in your limbs, the first step is to make sure you are drinking enough water, eating enough food (especially food that will give you the nutrients and electrolytes your body needs), and getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep, low blood sugar, and not enough electrolytes can contribute to low energy levels.

Exercise is also something that can help with sleep and energy, as well as with stress and anxiety. A 15-20 minute walk or jog, preferably outdoors in nature, can be beneficial for mental and physical health. If you can do this safely, I'd recommend it. (If you feel there is a chance you might faint, don't go alone.)

Of course, you can do all of the above perfectly and still have issues, but it's somewhere to start because you have to start somewhere. Both to rule these out as the cause of the symptoms, and because they do help, even if they don't fix everything.

If the symptoms persist, talk to a doctor (both medical and psychological) if one is available to you. Unfortunately, because you're young and you're female, there's a chance they may dismiss your symptoms at first. It isn't fair, but you might have push to get help. It's scary thing to do, but it's necessary. I know you can do it.

I hope this has been helpful to you.

Keep surviving.

Oh, and thanks for the whale.

#the almighty answers #good omens #ineffable

21 notes · View notes

adviceformefromme · 1 month

Note

Heyy! I love ur blog it’s so amazing and helpful, I love it!

So erm I kind of have a problem that I’d love to hear your thoughts on:

So I keep feeling super left out in my friend group for a while now and I don't understand what I'm doing wrong!

I'm loyal, kind, smart, funny, generous, "pretty" (not to sound vain but I'm not that ugly), and caring! l'd do anything for people I care about and yet still I just don't get why i can't be treated the same way :/

It's so upsetting and I hate it so much I just hate it. I'm doing everything right! I'm not rude at all and I just don't get why I can't be liked and appreciated and WANTED the same way everyone else is

I know that the advice for this would probably be to

"stop seeking external validation" or "just love yourself» but I do love myself! I hate that I'm treated this way and I hate that it's bothering me!!

I just don't get what I'm doing wrong or what I should do:/

I'm forever grateful to you for your time for answering this, thankyou so much 🩷🩷

Hey Sweetie,

thank you for the kind words and sharing this. Completely valid that this is bothering you. Your friends are the family you choose, so why are you choosing people who don't choose you ? Friendships should add to your life not take away. As hard as this may seem, I would definitely consider finding some new friends. Not to cut off your current ones, but just so the focus is less on the current group. So you are choosing to nurture relationships that add to your life not subtract. Navigating new friends can seem challenging.

1] Set the intention to make some new friends. Say out loud I am calling in new friendships that feel good and nourish me. Keep repeating this or something that is similar that makes sense to you, so you put energy into the world of what you want to call in.

2] Get some new hobbies and passions. Do things alone away from your friends, maybe its a fitness class, a foreign lanugage class, painting, swimming, horse riding. Just something away from friends. Depending on age / circumstances the above might be hard but pouring yourself into something you love will give you a distraction from your friendship groups.

3] Learn to lean back. When you are constantly leaning forward asking people, expecting, wanting, needing it puts alot of pressure on the friendship and that is because it is meant to FLOW. I have a friend who would almost beg me to meet up. It was overwhelming. Not at all saying this is you, but the example here is to show that its okay to lean back, let people come to you.

4] Remember that your people will feel like home. It will feel natural, it will feel like happiness, comfort. Whatever you are not getting from your current friends is available from others if you ALLOW. There needs to be space in your life to receive aligned friendships. If your life is full with these draining friends how and where is the space for the new? Create some space and see what comes forward.

xoxoxo

#manifestyourreality #levelup #levelupjourney #lawofattraction #manifesting #levelup confidence lawofattraction powerofthemind #growthmindset #manifestingmindset #manifest #friendship

14 notes · View notes

xerophylloom · 5 months

Text

The Times They Are a Changin' by Bandtrees and Hatsunoid is absolutely amazing

...And if you can handle the contents of it. No seriously. The fic is definitely dark and if you're sensitive to MEDICAL ABUSE, GORE, AND ABLEISM—Don't read it. It's especially centered around those and unless you close your eyes for all of it, you're not going to be able to handle it.

BUT!! It's so good, I would love to erase my memory just to experience reading it for the first time all over again. The disturbing parts aren't OOC (in my opinion at least) and it's very well-written, some optional out-of-site parts too.

A Laconic Summary: Mob loses control over his powers and causes permanent brain damage to Reigen and Ritsu. This fic explores the possible effects of that

Things of Note (as tags): Ambiguous Ending, Parasites (Specifically maggots and they're not TOO important, but they're there during a somewhat important moment)

Extremely long rambling (with spoilers) below the cut

This fic is so good, I created a sideblog for my AO3 to post about it. This fic is so good, that I had to stop what I was doing even though it is probably going to be detrimental to my grades. This fic is so good, that I was nearly about to rip my hair out from its roots

It's about 100k chapters long, separated into two parts. I'm easily bored and there's been plenty of times I've read a fic with maybe half the length, gotten bored, and thought of some parts as a slogfest even when it really wasn't—I just suck at getting through longfics. But reading through this, there was never a point where I thought that. Tensions were always high, rising even when I thought it wouldn't be able to, and I would end up near-screaming

And the way it shows how different characters feel? Gorgeous. Amazing. Love it.

Obviously, we have the normal book style descriptions from one character's POV, but then we have Teru's diary and Shou's little monologues(?), and it's all really cool??!?! Maybe that's what helped keep my attention. That and the little off-site links.

Speaking of those, I think I found all of them, but I'm not that observant so I could have easily missed some. And wow. Jesus christ. The last couple ones, the ones of Shou's gallery as his phone was getting wrecked, I was. just. In shock. I'm a very sentimental person who cares about photos and things, and I don't know how Shou didn't begin loudly crying right then and there because I would have

And god, so many times did I think 'Is this fic going to have untagged MCD?'. I was constantly at the edge of my seat expecting that someone would die. Reigen, Ritsu, Mob, Shou, Teru, Dimple (especially when he confronted Mob right as he was about to lobotomize Ritsu)... Basically all the main characters in the fic had moments where I was preparing to mourn

Mob really left for the deep end in this fic. I won't say that I fully get why he was so convinced that what he was doing was right, but it makes sense for him. He's not the type to let go easily, he's someone who draws strength from his bonds, and his aspect could be blood. And almost all his life, the message to never give up was basically struck into his head over and over. The one time I can recall where it wasn't? Claw, Seventh Division, where Reigen told him it's okay to run away. But I doubt that tilted the scale into being balanced in the slightest. There's so much more I could say about him in this fic. But I'll save it for now

Teru was... Teru. I understand him more than I did Mob, I think if I were in his situation, I would have maybe stopped at a certain point but we would be very similar in most of the actions we take. In the first chapter, I went 'haha silly!' at his entries. Seeing them as a little treat between the downers surrounding it. But then after he helped 'operate' (It doesn't feel right calling it that), I guess it really hit me. Then I started questioning if I would have done what he did. Then I realised I would have. Then I spiralled until I told myself this kind of situation will likely never happen to me and if it does, I'll get to it when I get to it

Serizawa is easily one of the ones you can feel for the most. Unlike Mob and Teru, he hadn't done anything to Reigen and Ritsu personally. And unlike Shou and Dimple, he didn't say harsh words. Perhaps you could blame him for not taking action sooner, but they all can be blamed for that.

Shou... Oh my god. Shou. At first, I was ready to fight Shou tooth and nail because really? That one comment on FriendBook wasn't necessary. I don't know how or why Mob didn't block him. But then as Mob spiralled further and further, I was hoping for him to make his way back into the narrative to save Reigen and Ritsu. Then he did. And he failed and he was injured and I thought he was going to die. Then he didn't. And it's implied he could have helped them. But could he have also made it worse? Who knows, that's why I put Ambiguous Ending as a thing of note.

DON'T FORGET THE OUT-OF-LINK STUFF!!! Mixed media fics that have off-site links are truly beautiful. My friend and I love that shit. Should she ever get into MP100, I'll recommend this fic to him with a shit-eating grin on my face. I hope the word count doesn't intimidate him erogdfkg... Every single bit of the off-site links I saw was just so cool. The art of Reigen made me feel strong unease, the real videos too, and that one animated video with Ritsu and Mob and Teru. Okay basically everything gave me a strong unease. But that's the point!!! And it was done well!!!!

This fic is pure talent, skill, and effort put into something that shouldn't just be preserved via a PDF file, but should be carved into stone for future archaeologists to discover. I wish I could hold even a fraction of power needed to create something this masterful

On a more less-serious note to finish this off: Mobway. Red Mobster. I was about to lose my shit. Every single time one of the companies showed up I was about to tear my hair out (in a funny way) because it felt like falling for a prank. I ESPECIALLY LOST MY SHIT AT PSYCHOLOGIST PEPPER BECAUSE IT TOOK ME SCROLLING DOWN BEFORE REALISING. Truly, the minds behind this were geniuses

Also, this might sound weird, but I got reminded of KomaedaLoveMail while reading this. The off-site links to websites for sure helped, but I guess I just associate talk of gore in written form in this way with KLM? Or maybe I haven't quite recovered from consuming that piece of media (Can you even call KLM that?) yet. This isn't bad by the way, I loved deepdiving into KLM even though my feeble brain couldn't comprehend shit.

And and one last note- Opening the song link in the end notes was like emotional whiplash. I had to sit there for a bit to process. Good music

This is a whole mess. Even for a ramble, it's a whole mess. I don't have words or sentences or even phrases for how I feel right now. I'm a mess

#The Times They Are a Changin'#Fic rec #Fanfic rec #Mob Psycho 100 #MP100

15 notes · View notes

hunieday · 1 year

Text

Yuki – 16 IDOL ALBUM RabbiTV (part 2)

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3

Please note that I am not a professional translator and I'm only doing this to share the side materials to those who cannot access it, if you notice any mistakes please let me know nicely. Enjoy!

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] ...This is the first time I've heard this record. I wonder if Father bought it recently.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] It’s pleasant to the ear, what a good song.

Performer: You're listening very attentively, huh? you’re just like him.

Orikasa Yukito: ah, Uncle.

Performer: Long time no see, Yukito-kun. You’ve been active as this place’s poster child lately, haven’t you?

Orikasa Yukito: Poster child?

Performer: Customers come just to see you, Yukito-kun. Lately, you seem to have a reputation in the neighborhood for being cute.

Performer: I've heard that all the housewives who live around here come over in the afternoon for tea time.

Orikasa Yukito: Come to think of it, a lot of our customers are women.

Orikasa Yukito: I get praised for being a good boy at the club. They say that It's great to be able to stay still at my age.

Orikasa Yukito: … is it really that big of a deal?

Performer: Haha. Well, a boy of Yukito-kun's age would want to go to the park, play with their toys, etc. They’re a lot more turbulent!

Performer: In a club where such quiet music plays constantly, I can’t see myself staying here for hours without doing anything.

Yukito’s dad: .... If you just came here to talk nonsense, go home.

Performer: Ah, if you were nearby, you should’ve come and served your customers earlier. Were you fiddling with the new record in the background again?

Yukito’s dad: Our customers don't need to be interfered with.

Performer: The same as always… aren't there a lot fewer customers today, though?

Orikasa Yukito: Because my father told the women to go home.

Performer: What?!

Orikasa Yukito: I hope they don’t come back. They’re annoying.

Performer: Are those housewives after Yukito-kun?! Why did you turn them away!

Orikasa Yukito: I couldn’t listen to the music properly because they were annoying.

Performer: Even so, they’re still customers, right? what a waste…

Yukito’s dad: what are you talking about, man? This is a jazz club.

Yukito’s dad: I don't want customers who are not interested in music.

Performer: ..well, that is something you’d say.

Performer: Yukito-kun, you must be struggling, having a father with such strong traits.

Orikasa Yukito: I'd also rather listen to music than talk to women.

Performer: Ah... Already at this age, you're making women cry.

Orikasa Yukito: Making women cry…?

Yukito’s dad: Do not instill unnecessary knowledge on him.

Performer: Hahaha, my bad. Still, I can't believe he likes music at his age. As expected of your son.

Performer: Your guitar skills are promising, too. Have you improved since then, Yukito-kun?

Orikasa Yukito: Mhm. A little bit.

Yukito’s dad: Did you teach him?

Performer: That's right. If anything, why didn't you teach him yourself up until now? This kid has talent. He has good instincts. He has good sense.

Performer: He was only making sounds as he pleased, but he was creating some pretty pleasant melodies.

Performer: I guess he cultivated that sensibility at the club, it was a sound that a child of this age normally would not produce. I'm sure he will become a good composer.

Performer: It’s been a long time since I last enjoyed teaching.

Orikasa Yukito: I also enjoyed playing the guitar with you, uncle. Teach me again.

Orikasa Yukito: I want to play more. I want to make various sounds.

Performer: Ah! of course. Yukito-kun prefers musical instruments to toys, huh.

Performer: I'll be back next time with some new records. I've stocked up on just the right stuff for beginners.

Yukito’s dad: What happened to that new record I asked for?

Performer: Oh, come on, you're a scandalous guy. Putting your own new record before your son's musicality?

Performer: I brought it properly. Here you go.

Performer: It’s from an obscure performer, It was quite a painstaking task to get the CD since they only produced 1,000 copies.

Yukito’s dad: Ahh, I'm glad I asked you. Eat whatever you want today.

Performer: Good grief, you really are a self-interested guy. Allow me then… hm?

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] Ah, the preparation for the performance has started. It's that woman today.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I'm looking forward to it…

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I wonder if I will be able to hear that sound again.

Performer: So it's her piano performance today, huh. I came at a good time.

Performance: I think I'll go greet her before the performance. I'll be out of my seat.

Yukito’s dad: Ahh, don’t get in her way.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I wonder if uncle also likes that person's piano.

Yukito’s dad: what are you laughing at?

Orikasa Yukito: I was…laughing?

Yukito’s dad: Are you looking forward to that pianist's performance?

Orikasa Yukito: mhm…I like listening to her piano.It sounds like the melody is dancing.

Orikasa Yukito: I want to listen to it all the time. Even when I go to bed, when I close my eyes, I remember it.

Yukito’s dad:... I understand what you mean.

Orikasa Yukito: you too, Father?

Yukito’s dad: Yeah, it sounds very good. She's a skilled pianist.

Yukito’s dad: If you want to play music too, you should listen to it carefully.

Orikasa Yukito: Mm. I understand.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] I will listen to it a lot and remember it again. Before I go to bed, I’ll close my eyes.

Orikasa Yukito: [thinking] ...and with that pleasant melody, I will fall asleep.

[End of episode 2.]

#idolish7 #idolish7 translation #idolish seven #16 idol album #yukito orikasa #re:vale #yuki re:vale #rabbitv #ainana #i7

43 notes · View notes

fiftytwotwentyfour · 3 months

Text

Puzzle 6:

I Expect You To Die 2

The Spy And The Liar

Created by Schell Games

Puzzle Classification: Digital Escape Room; VR Escape Room

Price: $24.99 (I purchased the "I Expect You To Die Bundle, 3 Games, making each individual game ~ $20.83 before tax)

Review:

That's Right! I am already back with the EOD and I'm cleaning up Zoraxis Scum.

And Well...

The First Installment of I Expect You To Die lives forever on a pedestal. I still gush over the game and the story. Even after beating the game - I still go back and play around to unearth little nuggets that I missed.

When it came to the sequel... I personally felt a little let down but it's still... The Game is Pizza - Yep, It's Pizza, ya know - even though it's kinda bad its still kinda good.

Things I Liked:

The Storyline. For the Main Character and the Villain

There were some very cool game mechanics. I would love to mention them but I also don't want to spoil anything.

The Art Style and Time Period/Setting

Things I Didn't Like:

This being a stationary game - not just you the player, but your in-game character is stationary as well - I thought it was difficult to see items and objects which where meant to be interacted with - they felt oddly far away. I constantly caught myself squinting inside my VR headset and saying... "Is that something?"

I also didnt care for the dark backgrounds/lighting - I understand it provides ambiance, but again made things difficult to find. Most of delays in solving were based on me literally not being able to see something.

I also felt during certain puzzles a lot of problem solving heavily relied on the narrator's directions - listening for step-by-step instructions - rather than figuring out the sequences yourself based on clues and your own logical reasoning.

Some parts got to be really long winded especially when it came to the "subcontracted" voice acting.

Some other odd things to note - I was hyper aware of how many times I died/failed a mission this go around - and truthfully - it really wasn't all that much compared to the first game - maybe 2-3 times tops per level - about 12-15 per the whole game. This sounds like a good thing, right? Actually - it took some of fun out of the game. I found myself hoping I would just die so I could discover something - I was averaging 18 mins on level completions.

Alas, even though my Cons outnumber my Pros - I just love the concept of this game and I still look forward to playing the 3rd Installment.

*photos/screenshots courtesy of Schell Games/I Expect You To Die*

Completion Time: 4hr59min01sec42ms

Hints/Clues Used: Zero

Items Not Included / Needed:

Nothing Once Downloaded

Personal Rating: 7/10

2024 Puzzle Record: 6/6

#52 in 24 #puzzle #escape room #ieytd2 #ieytd #i expect you to die #James Bond #secret agent #VR #virtual reality #The Spy and The Liar #I Expect You To Die 2

4 notes · View notes

laputaindefrenchgirl · 2 months

Text

anything, for me.

2023 is almost finished, and it feels like this year was the first chapter of my life. All the unknown emotions that came crashing onto my self that I could not have expected.

These days, some truth was revealed to my conscious being. I am dissociating emotions from the touch, as a sense. When people touch me, I feel almost nothing. I've been doing that for more than two decades now, out of protection and survival.

It is so fucking confusing.

After a decade out of deeming myself worthy of being called sensitive and wise, now, after seeing people as they are, embracing life like a bloody seer, now I have to realize that I do not know what to feel when people touch me.

Platonically or sexually. I don't know what I should feel. Like, what do I even like? I kept myself safely hidden, at some reasonable distance from everyone. But Gods, do I love, do I care, do I feel everything. But not through anyone's touch.

To unthread this thread is so weird. What is tenderness and desire in a touch? Disgust, fear and love? I'm not a hugger, except when my friends are drunks.

When I was doing therapy (EMDR, that shit is extraordinary), this question came up. Why can't I feel when people are touching me? It's always so cold, like medical. And that is alright, I guess as until now, it was. Now I'm wondering why.

So, we dove into my past. The violence my body went through. Even as I'm writing this, I can still hear my voice pleading, "You were not raped, you were not beaten!" and that is true. But to move on from this void, I will need to accept that violence is still violence, even more in the name of Science.

Their hands choking my throat while they applied plaster on my body, tears in my eyes, I couldn't breath. The way their shear cut the skin of my back deeply instead of the plaster. The blood, and vomit, everywhere. When I begged to have anesthetic before they cut my skins for exams, but told me "no" because it would disturb the results (fuck the results).

I was two, four, nine, fifteen... I was a good soldier, still am by the way. I took these blows because no one told me it wasn't okay. I only knew this, and still found within my youngest self the light which made me magical.

Consent.

The way some people grab me, to show their power over me, it is probably the thing that I went through that disgusts me the most. He kisses me, caresses me, as if it was friendly and consented. It is not because you disrespected me, and that I said NO. For that, there will be no excuse, never a fucking single one. I scream inside like a wounded animal at that thought.

Once, a physical therapist told me to bend on my knees to show her my back. I complied, because she's an adult, right. I was seven. Then she raised my tee shirt and then, lots of hands touched me without asking me, the skin of my back. I remember the strokes and the humiliation. I didn't know who they were, didn't see their faces, but to this day, I still wonder, why?

This is a beginning. I'm headed in the direction of the answers I'm seeking. I dissociated to not feel these strangers, and my own revulsion.

Also, eerily, it fits the imagery I created much later, of my own mythology. I'm a sculpture people touch and seek answers from. Leaving me with nothing but my own questions.

If my soul chose that path, that life, then why does it feel like as if I'm forever stuck between feeling like a burden and my inner god's complex? I love romance but not the pathetic thoughts that echo confusion. I deserve(d) so much better.

I wish to live a touch that feels reciprocated and not forced. I wish to not want to control everything in order to feel safe. I wish that I went through all my life did not damage my vision of myself, as a woman. I wish that my teenage self realized that she could trust others. Yes, pushing people away is easier, even when you're constantly smiling, but there's more. I know that now. I wish that I will come to become tender without fearing rejection, someday.

Thank you. 2024, here you are. Show the way. I will lead, obviously.

-Audrey

#writing positive shit #emdr therapy #realization #dissociation #being disabled #my body is mine #acceptance #eating my feelings #this is me trying #violence #hurt #child abuse #sexism #disability #it's ok not to be ok #hope #be you #by audrey

2 notes · View notes

lasenbyphoenix · 3 months

Text

10 Characters I Fell In Love With in 2023

I liked doing this retrospective so I'm bringing it back. I feel like I didn't watch many shows in 2023 but of the shows I did watch there were SO MANY good characters that making this list proved to be difficult to narrow down.

1. Tang Lian, The Blood of Youth.

The Blood of Youth gave us a main trio of an exiled prince, a chaotic monk and a himbo firestarter, but it was Tang Lian the ace shixiong who was the first in the series to make me go oooh he's mine. Was it the purple clothes? The grey streaks in his hair? The romantic awkwardness? The hyper competence with small deadly weaponry? The crisis over following orders vs following his heart? All of the above probably. And I'm very glad the creators of the bonus episode decided to agree with me that HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO DIE otherwise I would have been throwing hands.

2. Sikong Changfeng, The Blood of Youth.

While the main trio are very fun to follow along with, they are also very young and at my age now I find myself gravitating towards appreciating some of the older generation just as much. Sikong Changfeng is one such character, and chosen because he's someone I think I'd like spending time with. He's a practical man among outlandish people, a doting father, and the fact that he'll throw a tantrum in public when one of his fellow city lord's decides to slice their training tower into pieces is a refreshing change from the great and aloof martial experts of his generation. And just look at that cloak!

3. Di Feisheng, Mysterious Lotus Casebook.

I came to MLC for Cheng Yi, and watched with amusement as other tumblr users fell head over heels for the moody antagonist until I got halfway through the show and had to mentally apologise to everyone because y'all had the right idea, omg how do I explain how Di Feisheng endears himself right into your heart and stays there? He's very show-no-weakness especially for someone who gets constantly nerfed - and boy do I like watching a strong man being whumped - he has the aesthetic of a total Boss and a sword named Sword.

He's unapologetic about his ambitions to be The Best Ever, which comes across as a bit shallow until you learn that his entire goal to be strongest ever is to be able to overcome the mind control bug forced onto him by the slave driver who raised/trained/tortured him as a kid and kick the guys ass. Which is the best and most heart breaking reason for a character to do anything and if that doesnt make you love him then the cuteness of the A'Fei amnesia arc certainly will.

4. He Xiaohui, Mysterious Lotus Casebook.

Again the older generation appealing to me, Fang Duobing's mother is absolutely a character you want on your side in a crazy place like this show. Taking in her sister's son as her own, she doesn't hide what she thinks of the jianghu when Fang Doubing runs away from court life, but also happily creates an accupressure torture machine when he needs a prisoner interrogatated. A little haunting can't scare her off from a bargain for her new dayspa empire, and she's barely rattled after being kidnapped. She's just so fun.

5. Yang Wuxie, Heroes.

Clever, loyal and funny are 3 easy ways to win me over. But they also went ahead and wrote a man who said "you're my only friend" and proved it with his every action -

- The way he pauses at the door to plaster a smile on his face before entering the room when Su Mengzhen is sick,

- "can you take the archers on that side?" "Yes, but I'll die."

- clinging to SMZ's robe and weeping that he can't find him

- being trusted with the final blow, and crying all the while....

I really don't have the words. End me now.😭😩

6. Di Feijing, Heroes.

Again the loyalty of the subordinate is what moves me in this show and I chose Di Feijing for this list because I didn't expect to be moved by him. At first everyone in Six Half Hall seems to be there for their own greed, which is good for them but can be a very flat motivation to watch. It's after the death of Lei Sun that his story unveils itself and his protection of Lei Chun comes to the foreground and you learn that he's a moral person stuck in the middle of corruption and obligation.

I kinda feel like he got shafted by being ordered to stay out of things, because I reckon if given the chance he could have actually sorted a bunch of shit out?? I liked the handful of interactions between Di Feijing and Wang Xiaoshi and wish there could have been more.

7. Lee Rang, Tale of the Nine Tailed & Tale of the Nine Tailed 1938.

Protagonist's little brother with severe abandonment issues and a grudge to match, deadly but secretly a softie? Sign me up. The spurned sibling is by far the most relatable and likeable of the antagonists in season 1, and you get the joy of seeing him turn from the dark side due to the Power of Family, but still cuss and sulk the whole time. They created such a fun sibling dynamic that they had to go back in time for season 2 so that we could have a whole nother season with the two of them bickering and fighting for each other. Also, the looks he had going in season 2 were stellar.

8. Li Wu, Pledge of Allegiance.

I'm predisposed to liking Zhang Yunlong, and Li Wu was both very fun and very angsty to watch as he lied his way into and out of all sorts of trouble.

As Li Wu would tell you, he's just a theif! Selfish, no moral compass to see here..(Rescues kid from being arrested, finds kid a job)(shares his money with his friends in the alley)(helps them flee when he thinks they're in danger because of him)(keeps the knife as a reminder of the death he feels responsible for)(helps the son of the man he killed when he finds him again)(how many times does he save Lu Zheng from himself and all the people gunning for him??)(unravels political conspiracies)(and so much more). Just a theif! Sure thing Jan.

9 & 10. Fox Mulder & Dana Scully, The X Files.

Having only started watching The X Files for the first time in 2023 (and only as a filler show when I was too tired for subtitles,) I now find myself in season 7 of the show, entirely because of these two leads. What can I say about Mulder's non-threatening, hyperfixating, dorky ass and Scully's brainiac does-everything-he-does-only-backwards-and-in-high-heels competency that hasn't already been said? They're just *chefs kiss*

If anyone else wants to do a similar review I'd love to be tagged and see your 2023 blorbos!

2 notes · View notes

ivykhoozx · 1 year

Text

Weekly Journal 4

Thoughts at 3 in the morning

Feeling really exhausted lately. I'm so drained, so tired, so helpless, so lost... So many things to do, yet so little time.

Since young, I used to envy my friends or people in general who are really close to their parents. They could share EVERYTHING with their parents without being judged, criticized or lectured. To be truly honest, I don't anymore. Like deep deep deep deep deep down inside, I still don't :/

One would say I'm not mature enough to think. Yeah, right, cause they're not the ones who's been surviving in this family for the past 22 years. Don't tell me you understand or feel me. You can't be. You're not in my shoes.

You know how most of us have that rebellious teenage phase? Yeaaaaap, that's right. I grew apart from my family ever since.

Disappointments over disappointments. I wouldn't say I've committed the worst sins in the entire world but I'd say I did enough to break my parent's trust in me, for a really long period. Up till now, maybe :p

Things got really tense between my parents and I, to the extent that I didn't wanna come home and I even threaten them that I'd run away because I had no idea how I should face them. To me, home isn't always four walls.

I'm not proud of all the things I've done. Maybe it's a middle-kid thingy. They always made me feel like I'll never be good enough for them no matter what I've done.

Thanks to them, I constantly seek reasons to doubt myself. I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone and oftentimes, I feel like a bad investment to everyone. I feel like I'm not worthy.

I basically don't see much value in myself. The insane combo is that I'm really insecure and I tend to seek validation from others. I need recognition, appreciation and encouragement. I need constant reminders from people I love that I'm good enough.

I have no idea how to solve this and no matter how many compliments I receive, I'd choose to believe in that one bad comment. Funny story, I'm no influencer but from time to time people tend to create anonymous accounts just to send hate messages to me. Lol.

There's nothing to love about myself and there's no reason why people should love me. I really hate how I feel like my own worth and value have to be determined by someone else and I just can't help it.

I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter or the perfect child you guys are expecting me to be. I'm just a mundane. I just want to make my own way. I just want to be a person and not even a great one, just decent.

Right, that's for all now.

#sad shit #dissapointment #depressed #mundane

3 notes · View notes

prettybutter-flyy · 1 year

Text

so I'm in what i am calling my cacoon era.

The fact is i have a terrible habit of saying im going to do things to my friends and family and then just not doing it. A couple months ago i realized im only really letting myself down, bc they dont even expect me to do what i say anymore. In fact, i dont even think my loved ones really respect me, but thats a story for another time.

I was just getting so frustrated that my loved ones didnt really take me seriously and wouldnt come through for me but then i realized, i dont even do that shit for myself!

And this is not to say that i dont DESERVE my lov3d ones to show they care or prioritize me or whatever, i absolutely do. If you are someones irl moot, you should show you care about them and prioritize them sometimes.

My point is How can i be mad when others dont come through for me or make me a priority when i dont even prioritize myself?

I am not physically healthy, i eat like shit, im fat, o feel sluggish and weighed down and i dont like it. Dont get me wrong, im cute but i *feel* like shit.

I don't stand up for myself and i invalidate my feelings and thoughts constantly, always looking to others and social media for opinions.

I am not where i want to be financially. But thats just bc I got myself into like 8k debt when i was without a job a couple months ago.

Socially, i feel like im at the bottom of my friend group if I'm being 100% honest. They dont treat me poorly, but i can tell they think im stupid. Maybe we just have too much history, we have been friends since high school, so... and then it doesnt help that im the only single friend, and I'm happy for them genuinely, but the dynamics just change when friends get into relationships. I have 4 hs friends I see semi regularly, 2 of them are married and 2 have serious bfs. They hang out as couples and give me relationship advice and the married ones are getting ready to buy a house and maybe have kids. They're just in different stages of life man, and it peer pressures me into wanting that but im honestly not even sure if i do.

And professionally... idk im doing okay professionally. Im working at a news station as a show producer and my passion has always been film, writing and creating stuff. Its not an exact match but its okay for now and its sustainable and if I can play my networking hands right, i could move to where i want to be (a film firector). My issue here is i have the whole day to do this stuff (write, film, create, practice my art) and i just dont. Idk the mental blocks holding me back, is it my laziness or learned helplessness or what, but i just dont do things that i am passionate about.

All around, i am not where i want to be.

But I moved into my apartment in july, and thats a crazy story in itself but i am an hour away from my closest family (30-40 if i tale tolls). I didnt want to move so far away but recently, ive been getting signs that this was a good move for me. I need to isolate myself to make these changes: no going out to save money; instead workout, get my body how i want; practice making new friends, new SINGLE friends.

Ive slightly failed bc ive been talking to this guy for the last couple weeks but nothing is official and theres no reason it needs to be just yet. I want to get with at least one girl before i settle down with anyone.

My point is, i want to take the rest of my lease in this apartment as a chance to radically repair my life. To sprout my wings and become the butterfly that i feel like on the inside, and let that show on the outside. I deserve so much more than what ive given myself. If i were in a relationship w myself, i would have broken up with that bum ass bitch years ago.

So in my Cacoon era, im isolating myself, trying to make the changes internally and virtually alone, bc I will not have support from family and friends because i have said i was going to get my shit together so many times (and not done it) at this point, i imagine no one believes me. Im chrysalizing myself from a beautiful catipillar to emerge a beautiful butterfly - and I have to do the internal work as well, bc I could lose the weight and still be in a bad financial situation (how will i go on dates!) Or start hating myself and develop an ed (i don't now but i have addictive tendencies) or make shitty new friends who treat me worse than my hs friends (who i want to reiterate, havent really harmed me, just dont respect me). I cant just fix one aspect, they all tie in together, they're all a part of me and what makes me happy and if one of those things is off, i will still be as miserable as i am now.

My cacoon is meant to be protection from the outside, and an incubator for a new me.

So these are the things i want to change, im on a new platform where no one knows me and i have a lil freedom to explore and vent and whatever i want because this is my blog and i deserve it.

I deserve to do the things that i like. I deserve to look how i feel, i deserve friends that take me seriously, I deserve relationships that serve me and to be with someone im crazy about when the time is right. And you do too.

Please join me on this journey. Im begging, one thing i really need right now is a(n anonymous) community of ppl wanting to better themselves just like me, encouragement and maybe tips. An external force to be held accountable to.

Typically, i would ask what your thoughts are, but I don't really care, just follow my journey and tell me abt yours :)

#fitnessjourney #financial #social #black tumblr #black girls winning #cacoon #changing my direction

4 notes · View notes

mamthew · 24 days

Text

I finished Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth. It took me 91 hours, but I did a pretty good chunk of extra stuff. It took me another 19 or so hours to do the rest of the extra stuff. I never finished the last set of challenges to unlock the extra boss.

I came into Rebirth a bit skeptical, and had some real friction with the game's opening hours as a result. Remake was a phenomenal game - a gorgeously detailed remake-slash-sequel-slash-metafictional exploration of the difficulties of creating a remake of a game with as much love and baggage as Final Fantasy VII did. I came away from it with the impression that no matter what the other games did, Remake was a masterpiece of a standalone endeavor in its own right, worth playing on its own or as a companion to FFVII; and that that was a good thing, because there was a very good chance the sequels would not live up, and it would forever be best experienced on its own. Crisis Core Reunion - the Crisis Core remake that stole the obvious perfect title from the upcoming third FFVIIR game - further lowered my expectations with its dull voice acting and visuals and weirdly uninspired direct translation of pretty much every aspect of a game that was great back in 2007 but has noticeably aged since.

Once it became clear that Rebirth would be an open-world game, I fully resigned myself to a drop in quality of gameplay, if not story. I enjoy open-world games. I'm a fan of Assassin's Creed, the Arkham Trilogy, Horizon: Forbidden West, and many other open-world games, but the genre itself has become synonymous with a very by-the-numbers approach to game design. Climb the towers, follow the breadcrumbs, rinse and repeat until you're bored or you have a platinum trophy. The genre itself has taken on an almost political connotation, implying a top-down approach to development in which executives demand that the game be what's been printing money for everyone else, and the devs comply because they have no other choice. Rebirth isn't that. I couldn't begin to tell you what approach they used for Rebirth, but whatever they did was almost certainly artist-led, because there is no other explanation for what a batshit game Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth actually is. And I mean that with love.

I'm actually blown away by how much Rebirth is an artistic achievement. It's open-world, but every detail of each biome is so deliberately and lovingly crafted that it feels like a world of difference from the algorithmically generated worlds in most open-world games. And the towns are even more densely detailed, to a point that walking around each town is an almost overstimulating experience. Add to that auditory details, tiny details in animations, word choices for certain lines, the impossibly vast array of musical pieces all working with motifs from the original game. Rebirth is constantly not just referencing details from FF7, but remixing them, subverting them, at times even resisting them - and it conveys the sense that the designers had an absolute blast making it. That's a sense many games with comparable production values are missing, and it makes the playing of Rebirth a kinda eye-opening experience. It could still come out that the developers of this game were forced to withstand all manner of labor abuses, and knowing Square it wouldn't be that far-fetched. But the sense Rebirth conveys is one of a passion project at every single level. I can't imagine the same executives that allowed Chocobo Racing out the door actually greenlighting half the weird side-jaunts in this game. And I can't imagine a game with this much work put into it being profitable enough to justify its existence to those execs. And yet here it is, with a sequel on the way.

Rebirth continues a lot of the elements that shone in Remake. The battle system is mostly the same as the blistering and surprisingly strategic system from Remake, with a few new additions - some of which work and some of which feel tacked on - and with a few new playable characters, all of whom are a blast to use. The preexisting characters' movesets have been reworked a bit; they mostly feel the same, but most of them have a buff to maintain now, and systems in place to encourage usage of the more varied toolset. The changes feel a bit inspired by FFXIV, in a good way. That said, the fact that the AI-controlled characters barely build ATB and don't use any of their unique abilities without the use of a specific materia means that any given party has the player juggling three different characters' maintenance simultaneously, needing to constantly switch between them just to build up the ATB necessary for upkeep. While that's certainly not impossible, I tended to just use one character for most battles just to keep things simple, and my damage output definitely hurt as a result.

The characters, too, are just as well-written in the first game. Now that they've built up a rapport, watching them interact is an absolute treat. The new party members slot in nicely, too. By the end of the game, we have FFVII's full party, though not every party member is playable yet, and it makes for a fun preview of the group dynamics to come.

The two major flaws in the game's writing are not all that bad, but worth mentioning. First is the passion, enthusiasm, and attention to detail has added so much worldbuilding that the new sometimes overshadows what was subtle in the old. I don't think the details about the Republic of Junon and the war between Junon and Shinra does much besides muddy the waters of how much power Shinra even has in the game's world, for example. For another early example, watching the giant serpent Midgardsormr get impaled on a tree is much less impressive than coming upon the serpent already impaled on the tree. Sometimes less is more, which a game as "more"-focused as Rebirth has difficulty understanding. Another flaw is the treatment of the meta-narrative, which is much clumsier and much more central than in Remake. I adored the meta-narrative of Remake, which explored the difficulty of remaking a story as beloved as FFVII's, and the anxieties fueled by decisions about what to change and what to keep. In Rebirth, the meta-narrative gets much bigger - just as with everything else - and as a consequence much messier. I think they already made their intentions about this trilogy clear in the first game, so there was no need for more Whispers, but Rebirth adds several varieties, locked in a massive war for the soul of FFVII. It's too much, and by the end of the game, it's most of what the characters are focused on. Both these flaws derive from a writing philosophy that I respect: that the original game still exists, so if the remake messes up some of what worked about that original, it's not that big a deal. And I agree with that philosophy, but I think parts of the game cheapen things that were impressive about the original in a way that might poison newcomers' opinions of it. Which is a shame, if a minor one.

As a package, I'm blown away with Rebirth. It shouldn't work but does -- shouldn't EXIST but does. It feels like a strange fluke that we live in a world where this happened; a fluke that will only repeat one more time, with the third game in the trilogy, and then never again. I don't like everything about this game, but I respect that even the things I don't like exist because artists were somehow allowed to run wild in an industry where that's becoming less and less common.

#final fantasy #final fantasy vii #final fantasy vii rebirth

0 notes

spacedkitty · 7 months

Text

Mushroom Rambles on Being Trans...

I got real high on some mushrooms and went on an emotional roller-coaster that I just kind of ramble-vomited into a drive document a few months ago...

Figured I'd throw it up here because I genuinely like how it turned out. Though I will say there's a bit of... frustration... with the roles pressed on men.

Anyway, it's all below the cut if you care to read it. I'll warn you it's long though, but I find it compelling in re-reading it.

It's incredible how you can feel so isolated from people, yet in moments like this not help feeling a deep connection with everything

It feels almost impossible for things not to sound profound to me right now.

Even the purposeful lack of structure can entice that feeling, so lacking in any real form, as a mocking caricature of purpose itself. It becomes a parody of itself by dint of the very simple purpose for which it was created.

Anti-humour, or the structure of how it's put together.

Gods, following this thought train right now feels like trying to explain an AI's thought-tree, it's constantly evolving as I go and I honestly have no idea where it's going to get off, it could be here or there or anywhere and I fucking love this.

How did I not know of all this shit? Why did I keep myself from experiencing it for so long?

I feel so free about drugs now, but I didn't before. This is a new thing.

It feels like I have to justify it to myself constantly. It's so weird to hear those PSAs and comments my mother would say about people. About how folks in recovery would talk about it.

This truly feels exactly like what they said in a way.

It always led to tragedy in those videos. Never a happy ending.

What a load of crock!!

Fuck!

I have to remind that part of my brain that the world that we'd have to return to would be one of frustration, fear, constant pain… all the things I'm dealing with now… and yet… without the hope, without the joy, without the ability to even feel real happiness.

Sometimes it feels like I never felt happiness. Never felt true joy.

I know it isn't true, I certainly did, but every memory from before I transitioned is taunted by pain. It's covered in a grey fog that just smothers the feeling in those memories.

I don't even know how to explain it. How do you communicate to the people around you that you finally see things in all the glorious colours of the rainbow. That when the sunshines it suddenly isn't just… an annoyance. That when the rain comes I can finally bask in it, not hope for it because it's an excuse to stay indoors away from people.

I spent years avoiding people. Spent my whole life doing it. I couldn't handle being around people, just so much going on. My anxiety just ran rampant. The more people the more they expect you to behave a certain way.

I could relax with my close friends. Let my guard down a little, but even then. I think in hindsight I kinda dated Dylan. He probably wouldn't look at it like that now, but like, we talked almost constantly, we knew each other so intensely well so quickly. We spent most days together all throughout the final years of highschool.

He smoked too much, though when I started smoking it stopped bothering me so much. I was really sad when his dad kept being such an asshole.

Gods, I've lost track of so many memories. It makes me really sad honestly.

I can't tell whether the mushrooms are making me play out the emotional hits or they're just lining up super well. Probably the former honestly.

Feels hard to imagine.

Feels hard to imagine things?! Hahaha, what the fuck brain

Gods it's good to feel the way I do right now.

Such a fucking relief. And it only took me lots of drugs to get it!

Though like… there goes the anxious voice "but what if I'm partway through fucking my whole life up huh?"

Well, to that I say, if this is what fucking my whole life up feels like, it's wholeheartedly worth it!

And fuck you for implying it might not be. You sanctimonious little prick. "What if you're part of a bad story" so fucking what if I am? I'm not unhappy now! I was so fucking unhappy before! I couldn't comprehend happiness like this. Everything was tinged with pain. With an emotional hurt that I couldn't name or see.

Like having an iron nail embedded into your skin. All the time it's there there's a dull ache and each time you bump into things it makes itself known.

Actually it's more like a splinter you can't see or pinpoint. You're mostly used to the constant pain of it, but every time you move juuuust so, it gets incredibly painful. You still can't see it, you don't know what it looks like or just exactly where it is, so you poke at it a few times and eventually give up figuring it'll work itself out eventually, and maybe you'll be able to pick it out then. Until then there's no point keeping your mind on it, but it's still there, aching and twinging away. You may keep a wary eye out to prevent it bumping into anything.

Soon it slips into your unconscious, becoming less pressing but still aggravating. A constant silent damper on you until the next time you inadvertently bump it, when it jumps to the forefront of your mind.

Over time you're haunted by it. This constant pain that you can't get rid of. Suddenly everything is bumping it, it's sharp stabbing jolts constantly feeling like they're tearing you apart. It's driving you mad, and so you dig again, even though digging has only made that feeling worse… you know if you keep digging that damnable thing will come out one way or another.

And it does!

And with it, your world shatters…

…The life you've built crumbles in your hands.

…The wife you had weeps in your arms, hoping one day she'll see you change your mind, but being glad in her own way that she's no longer tied to you.

…The child you have, still so young. She sees only your happy moments. You can't let her see the tears you wipe away as your world burns around you. You won't have long with her before you're parted. In your heart you're pretty sure it's what her mom and everyone wanted. Well, if you can't just "forget the whole thing" anyway. "Just smile and be a family" right? Doesn't matter how much you have grown to despise one another, you're supposed to cling together anyway? That's how you're supposed to do it.

"Can't you just be… you know… a drag queen?"

No.

Gods above no!

Gods fucking below NO!!

I'm not a fucking man.

I never fucking was a man!!

I was never EVER a man…

Whether people like you accept me as a woman… I don't care anymore. Beyond legislating my body, I don't give a fuck what you think of me.

I'm so fucking tired of being judged and weighed and measured. I'm so tired of feeling like a fucking show pony. If I wanna look like a fucking clown, I FUCKING CAN!

You held power over me for so long, I refuse to give it back. I don't need you to care, I don't need you to even know, but I still wanna fucking tell it.

It might have detonated my life, but fuck if it hasn't made me so so so much fucking happier with my life!

It's given me the space to be myself.

If things hadn't been so restricted in my life, I might have simply expressed myself far sooner. If I'd known what it could all have been, I'd have jumped at the chance I'm sure, but at the end of the day, I didn't have that knowledge.

It's never clear what thing will shake it all free, what makes the pieces land together. For me it was the birth of my daughter. The pregnancy leading to it as well.

It had been coming for a while though. I spent a lot of time in trans related subs "being a big ally".

I'd seen trans women in porn early on. When I was a teenager, I'd found it then. Heck, my mother had a collection of magazines that comprised a huge "encyclopedia of sex" or something like that. In there was where I saw a trans woman for the first time.

I spent a long time looking at that section.

If I'm completely honest, masturbated to it too. I was a teenager, dunno what to say.

Years later I looked it up. Found a number of videos, photos, etc. Grew rather fascinated with trans women. Started being so intensely interested in them as people. I came up with a million justifications in my mind like "I love it being obvious that you know when your partner is feeling pleasure", "I have a dick so I know what'll feel good for her as well", all so I could tell the men around me something if they ever caught wind.

It's something I'm more than a little ashamed of, those gross mental justifications, but they are what society pressures you into thinking.

It pushes men to see women as sex objects. Pushes them to treat women as such even if they don't. It pushes a complete lack of empathy. It's about justifying your place. You've declared yourself and you're supposed to be willing to back it, so you are deserving of the space. Those less able to declare themselves are relegated to the fringes.

Men are pushed to think of themselves first. Pushed to think of everything as a competition. Every man around them is always pushing them to compete. Competing is how you measure yourself right? How can you have empathy if all you know is competition. Winner takes all. So you've got to be a winner right?

Gods what a shit way to live.

Even if you try to stop, try to step away it's just… endless taunting, shaming, bullying. Men use femininity as a curse. The only ones who don't are those trying to actively step out of the rat race or those who use it as a gimmick.

I had a beard, one I'm honestly still proud of. One I'd maybe wear again if people wouldn't call me a man for it. It was big and bushy. Red like fire in the deep coals of a just barely burning log. I loved that beard.

It saved me from so much harassment. So much taunting. That and my sheer size. 6'2" and chunky. I never really needed to fight as everyone looked at me and decided it wasn't worth it. At least amongst the lot I encountered.

I was pretty stoic too, which gave me extra points. Most men looked at those 3 things and decided I was man enough as long as I didn't do anything too fruity. As long as I drank a vaguely beer shaped thing and didn't make them question themselves too much, I was ok in their book.

But gods… how is that any way to live?!

I guess I can sorta "exist" as a diluted, stale imitation of a man. Like watered down mayonnaise left in a cup overnight.

Or I could be me! Shed the bullshit unspoken rules, the invisible shackles of manhood.

…To a different set of invisible shackles! Or so society would have it.

And like, they are pretty, all fluffy and pink…and I am into bondage…

…But no.

No.

Fuck that. I wanted to be my fucking self here. Not some imitation of the bullshit system.

I didn't just want to switch sides, I wanted to escape the system. I'm not gunna replace one set of bullshit rules for another just because they're pink.

People spent my entire life quietly telling me I was unacceptable. That who I truly am is unwanted. That who I truly am is the laughing stock. You think I'm suddenly going to switch in a way that makes those people happy?! Fuck that noise.

Why the fuck should I care what they think when there are people out there who care about me for me. For who I am as a person. Where I don't face constant criticism, constant forced competition, constant belittling talk.

It's telling that one of the few people from my old life I keep making an effort to speak to is a friend of mine who I helped figure out was trans. She's a real gem.

It's still funny to me that so many of my friends were gay. Gay dudes, but still. I had weird feelings towards being friends with women, thanks to an incident when I was around 11… or was it later?

I was friends with some girls from down the road. We were having a sleepover at their house. We'd played with dolls. The memory gets a little fuzzy, I think we had a pillow fight and their parents got weirded out. Although now that I think of it maybe they'd decided to flash me? I don't think their parents saw that part, though it'd explain it better. I just remember being kinda uncomfortable.

The parents decided they didn't really want me around so much anymore. They got quite frosty with me from what I remember.

At the time I didn't understand why. It felt like an innocent sleepover. My mother explained to me how they saw it and from that point onward I was petrified girls would see me as pushy or creepy if I tried to be their friend.

Left lifelong scars for me in truth. The assumption that I wanted to do things I didn't. That I wanted to pressure girls into things. That’s just how "boys" are right? It ate me up inside knowing that people expected that of me.

Truth is I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't looking for more.

That cut me off from the people I wanted to socialize with. I pined after them, in both friendship and love. Had crushes on the kindest girls, the ones with personalities that filled the room and looked at me with genuine smiles. In truth I wanted to be their friend more than anything. Or more accurately, I wanted to BE them and be their friend.

When television and my peers were filled with stories of the dirty things men wanted to do to women, my daydreams and masturbatory fantasies were filled with visions of gentle caresses, dappled sunlight, lengthy foreplay, long passionate kisses, and my head between their thighs.

It's apparently a wild thing to admit your favorite thing to do to a woman is pleasuring her, when you're a 15 year old boy. Not that I'd had any experience at it.

Oh, most boys say they did. Purely confident in their ability to please women, while making it really apparent they never had.

Gods, I remember being friends with a guy purely cause he called that shit on people all the time. I also know he got around a fair bit, cause he was the only one our age that seemed to give a shit what their partner wanted. And he looked pretty good honestly.

Watching men's egos wilt when being called out is one of my favorite things. Though they almost never let it get to them unless it comes from someone they see as above them or as a peer in the social ranking. Otherwise it gets the defensive reaction of someone having the foundation of their carefully constructed personality picked at.

It comes down to how effective you are at declaring yourself.

If you shout loud enough, then you're right. You're in constant competition and the ones you care about impressing are the ones with more social power. If you shout loud enough then the ones below you have to agree. That's how it's supposed to work.

You're supposed to have power over people, that's what a man is right?

Gods I’m glad I don’t have to be any more…

#tw drugs #trans #mtf trans #trans experience #rant post #ramble #I don't even know what to put here

1 note · View note

ayanagiann · 8 months

Text

21 August 2023

Coming up on 4 months? Let's see, what have you missed...

I think the deeper I dive into understanding myself, I've come to realize what my weaknesses still are. The intimidation I feel in starting a task, for one. The pressure I put on myself to not start anything I cannot perfect on the first try, being another. And here specifically, making sure I bring all the right words to say, despite me intending for this to be a safe space for trial and error.

Many times I've come to this place with the intention to just write. No agenda, no table of contents, nothing but a feeling or even a craving to let my head breathe on virtual paper. But the more years I've lived, the higher the expectation I've put on the level of insight I revisit this platform with. Like, being away from this blog has been study abroad and coming home here means expressing what I have to show for it. I've spent all this time away -- spent money, energy and resources, what can I say I've gained?

So I pose the question for myself, a writing prompt if you will:

What the hell have I learned?

Well for one, I've learned that no matter how much you know yourself and know what you have to offer, you'll never know or be fully prepared for the things that will happen on your path. Whether it's destiny or coincidence, planned or a surprise, life will always keep moving around you, with or without you. You can't always control what will happen or when, to you or anyone else, but you can always always control the way you respond to it.

I think a key practice I've had to lean on this past year is "openness;" Allowing every experience to have its moment both negative and positive. Not rushing through the process of pain, loss, grief, confusion, frustration, excitement, joy, and love. Each and so many more, being pillars of the shared home that is the human experience, constantly revealing what our souls are still sensitive to and why.

A humbling thing for me, especially while living out the last few days of my twenties, is realizing that although I've come to understand how to manage most of my insecurities, a few of them still restlessly exist. That, because I've been safe and sheltered away from any normal triggers, that I fooled myself into thinking I've found solutions. Although I wouldn't say I've been hiding, I can admit I have created distance between me and the fears I have yet to face.

While most would say I have a pretty good handle on things -- that I've built something solid, that I'm in my prime -- I'm noticing how overdue I am for a touch up. Having these past few days to myself, to sleep, to work, to reset & to chip away at planning my upcoming birthday trip, has left moments in between for me to look in the mirror and sit with the woman staring back at me.

I can't even begin to express how necessary it's been to finally catch up with myself. The person I've become has aged so much. It's a bittersweet process, reflecting on the last decade. The changes, the experiences, the people and things lost and gained... no wonder I look and feel so exhausted. I'm relieved to have this moment of clarity, that I'm taking the time to acknowledge and make note of where I'm at while I end this chapter of my life; But my pride is having a hard time accepting how much I still have to work on.

There really is nothing that challenges you like learning how to properly love and protect yourself. No matter how many times you think you've got it down, you'll always experience things that will have you second guessing it. What you've missed lately is the journey I've been on and the answers I've found, only to arrive here at another crossroads. The more I know, the more options there are for my life to take. The wiser I get, the more questions I have.

This is the most adult thing I've ever done -- admitting that I am actually afraid. The second, is realizing that I don't always have to be fearless.

1 note · View note

octal-alchemist · 10 months

Text

complaininh

hoping praying i can switch my schedule soon. spoke to my manager today, she said somebody on afternoons is quitting so that works for her. not quite sure who it is she means but, neat.

i keep having like. a daily fucking mental breakdown and i am not okay with it. even when I'm okay, my future feels like it has been stolen. i force myself to look at my goals, but they feel pointless and unsatisfying. nothing is good. i live only to talk to other people, but even that can hurt. I can't create right now. i barely want to.

I've been eating a lot, trying a variety of things, desperately hoping something will satisfy this emptiness. it's making me worse. I can't talk about food stuff with anybody though. or about drinking. just in general people in my life are so used to me being uptight, neurotic, and in control - if i mention im struggling w overeating or drinking theyre like "good :) you should eat more." "oh cool, you're drinking again, i missed drinking w you" like hun no... but i dont want to show them how bad it's getting.

these r people i get to see once every few months. so like. i can mask it to be like I'm doing things reasonably for the time we r together so they don't understand. they don't understand that I've been falling the fuck apsrt again. im almost to the point I wouldn't mind being hospitalized again. maybe i need intensive fucking treatment. idk!

my memory has been like a sieve too. every day blends. an ongoing nightmare with bright spots where i get to talk to people.

it's so stupid that I'm making good fucking money but I'm almost as miserable as when i was homeless. at least then i had fucking company.

i normally clean my house daily w a weekly deep clean but somehow it's gotten disgusting all of a sudden. I don't know when i stopped cleaning. I don't want to fix it. im just fucking hiding in bed n trying to brainstorm. how can i fix thisbhow can i fix me. I can't do this alone humans arent meant to be alone but my pride is so damn big. the shit I say constantly on the internet i would never say irl. but theres stuff ive been too scared to say on the internet too.

if i wasn't so scared of guns idve been dead two weeks ago. if i wasn't a coward I'd use the pills i got in march. i want to live though!!!! i really fucking do!!!! but this alone shit is unbearable. I don't even feel like a person. i feel so unworthy of life of living. everyone else seems to be so connected and i can't find my way in. whens the last fucking time i was held? when did i last feel loved? I don't want to chase people away with my insecurities so i bluff like i think im important to some people but its just. so fucking hollow somehow. when i die i will be forgotten in a week. i both want that and im terrified of it. but there's no point in staining someone with my presence after i can no longer see that and feel that so its better if everyone forgets. if this is just a natural thing. expected.

god though last time i tried to kill myself with pills that was so fucking awful and disgusting and they straight up told me it wouldn't have killed me anyway even if i hadn't been taken to the hospital and i dont want to risk failure again it was so fucking expensive anf ruined everu relationship i had for a long fucking minute

blogging shit helps me feel like i can survive, somewhat. reading stories helps somewhat. i feel a little of the love others place into their creative works and it sustains me. i remember that all of my feelings, even the emptiness, I'm sharing these feelings with everybody. but at some point art won't be enough. stories won't be enough. I can't do this forever i need fucking help. i need something to fucking change.

my pride is not that easy to break so im still gonna try and do it independently. idk. make some lists and timetables and organize my thoughts and wait for some fucking. motivation. force myself along because dawn will come.

gotta clean my damn house. figure out how I'll pay the dental bill, if I'm buying plane tickets or not. research local events, classes, costs, times. if it's all in a spreadsheet I'll use it. oh right, fix the room light that's sparking for some fucking reason, I've been lazy so i taped over the switch instead of doing anything. food, I've only got alcohol and desserts and my blood sugars been fucked. hh. this isnt a coherent list exactly but its a start. i have picked myself up before and from worse. and hey, i have some money saved. if i cancel the trip I could even go a few months without working.

n maybe i should just cancel that trip. in this state it would probably be a waste. but maybe ill be better in two months. maybe i need to get the fuck out of here for a bit.

wish I didn't have to make my own decisions

ok editing. i went out of my way to make this message annoying to read hard to get tobthe important point that's dumv of me this is a cry for help tbh . i know yall can't help. i know. im practicing for when i do it irl. but it does bother me that idk if this is read or not if this changes things. if you do read dropping a heart would be appreciated? gonna assume my measures succeeded and nobody read this otherwise

#ramble that topic skips so much im barely following me #cry for help placed somewhere it can only be seen by people who cant help #tw suicide i guess

0 notes