#eating my feelings
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I'm brain rotting again
I always seem to catch myself brain rotting over the random-est shit ever. The last time I was heavily hyper fixated on something was in 2022, and it was sonic the hedgehog. But recently my friends introduced me to "boyfriend to death" and my mind clicked like wifi.
Its bad when I brain rot bc I connect everything to it and draw shit, sorta feel bad about it bc the concept is so bad, but the story is really good. My mind super glues to characters as well. When I was into sonic I loved tails. He was my favorite bc he was a fox and super smart. And now my fav character is ren, he's a fox and I love his character improvement.
I'd catch myself saying:
"Damn vamp, you're attached to a game where u survive terrible piece of shit men"
But right after I go:
"Oh shush, u love this, u love the characters endings, plot, reading, now sit ur ass down and read ao3"
I guess I'm just overthinking on a Thursday at 12:03am
#boyfriendtodeath#the brainrot is real#overthinking#hyperfixation#eating my feelings#sigh#sobbing#btd ren#btd 2#ren btd#ren hana btd#boyfriend to death 2#god damn it
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I’m sitting in bed feeling like a sad little girl. So my widower friend suddenly stopped messaging me and I was like, you okay? And he was like, I’m getting close to Toni, the widow on the hill, and it’s like he goes there every day driving past my house and you’d think he could just stop in to like tell me his story, how Toni is making his grief disappear, I would be and I am really happy for him but does he have to just like ignore me now? And he keeps putting me off, like says he’ll come by then he never does cause he just forgets cause he’s making sweet sweet love to the woman that his wife absolutely hated. And he said he’d come by today but then he put me off again and said three days….dramarama. and he said he didn’t want drama…..i kind of hate when people say they don’t want drama….its so fucking dramatic
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I got called the fuck out by a beautiful pitbull today. Met a childhood friend of my partner's. And the dog fucking called me out to his owner, who said the dog fucking told him. I was smiling, laughing, and generally in a good mood.
I've been suffering night terrors for a week. Woke my partner up twice, once talking, and last night I apparently grabbed his face.
He has known about my C PTSD and Trauma since we started dating, it's been 26 years for us, and he's still here. He's a good man.
I am a fat whale of a bitch, but I can't be fucked to care right now.
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anything, for me.
2023 is almost finished, and it feels like this year was the first chapter of my life. All the unknown emotions that came crashing onto my self that I could not have expected.
These days, some truth was revealed to my conscious being. I am dissociating emotions from the touch, as a sense. When people touch me, I feel almost nothing. I've been doing that for more than two decades now, out of protection and survival.
It is so fucking confusing.
After a decade out of deeming myself worthy of being called sensitive and wise, now, after seeing people as they are, embracing life like a bloody seer, now I have to realize that I do not know what to feel when people touch me.
Platonically or sexually. I don't know what I should feel. Like, what do I even like? I kept myself safely hidden, at some reasonable distance from everyone. But Gods, do I love, do I care, do I feel everything. But not through anyone's touch.
To unthread this thread is so weird. What is tenderness and desire in a touch? Disgust, fear and love? I'm not a hugger, except when my friends are drunks.
When I was doing therapy (EMDR, that shit is extraordinary), this question came up. Why can't I feel when people are touching me? It's always so cold, like medical. And that is alright, I guess as until now, it was. Now I'm wondering why.
So, we dove into my past. The violence my body went through. Even as I'm writing this, I can still hear my voice pleading, "You were not raped, you were not beaten!" and that is true. But to move on from this void, I will need to accept that violence is still violence, even more in the name of Science.
Their hands choking my throat while they applied plaster on my body, tears in my eyes, I couldn't breath. The way their shear cut the skin of my back deeply instead of the plaster. The blood, and vomit, everywhere. When I begged to have anesthetic before they cut my skins for exams, but told me "no" because it would disturb the results (fuck the results).
I was two, four, nine, fifteen... I was a good soldier, still am by the way. I took these blows because no one told me it wasn't okay. I only knew this, and still found within my youngest self the light which made me magical.
Consent.
The way some people grab me, to show their power over me, it is probably the thing that I went through that disgusts me the most. He kisses me, caresses me, as if it was friendly and consented. It is not because you disrespected me, and that I said NO. For that, there will be no excuse, never a fucking single one. I scream inside like a wounded animal at that thought.
Once, a physical therapist told me to bend on my knees to show her my back. I complied, because she's an adult, right. I was seven. Then she raised my tee shirt and then, lots of hands touched me without asking me, the skin of my back. I remember the strokes and the humiliation. I didn't know who they were, didn't see their faces, but to this day, I still wonder, why?
This is a beginning. I'm headed in the direction of the answers I'm seeking. I dissociated to not feel these strangers, and my own revulsion.
Also, eerily, it fits the imagery I created much later, of my own mythology. I'm a sculpture people touch and seek answers from. Leaving me with nothing but my own questions.
If my soul chose that path, that life, then why does it feel like as if I'm forever stuck between feeling like a burden and my inner god's complex? I love romance but not the pathetic thoughts that echo confusion. I deserve(d) so much better.
I wish to live a touch that feels reciprocated and not forced. I wish to not want to control everything in order to feel safe. I wish that I went through all my life did not damage my vision of myself, as a woman. I wish that my teenage self realized that she could trust others. Yes, pushing people away is easier, even when you're constantly smiling, but there's more. I know that now. I wish that I will come to become tender without fearing rejection, someday.
Thank you. 2024, here you are. Show the way. I will lead, obviously.
-Audrey
#writing positive shit#emdr therapy#realization#dissociation#being disabled#my body is mine#acceptance#eating my feelings#this is me trying#violence#hurt#child abuse#sexism#disability#it's ok not to be ok#hope#be you#by audrey
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Pastry babies:
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𝑺𝒆𝒍𝒇𝒊𝒆 𝑺𝒑𝒂𝒎 📸✨ 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒉 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏 👎🗓️ 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝑰'𝒎 𝒉𝒐𝒕 🔥😈 💋💘
#feeling so crappy about my body rn#brb ripping out my uterus#internally screaming#eating my feelings#photo dump#selfie dump#reblog my selfie#no make up selfie#asian#asian girls#asian babes#biracial#brown skin girl#mixed race#photoset#selfies#like my selfies#like my shit#reblog my post#reblog my face#time of the month#body posititivity#plus size ootd#plus size women#plus size#curvy girls#curvy#united kingdom#ootdpost#ootd
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Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself
Even if you're broke as fuck 💸🥯☕️❤️
Me with my beloved breakfast sandwich, chillin with my cats with a cold brew iced coffee and Home Movies
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a bowl of Phở would be very comforting.
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back to my future.
I wrote this in 2016 : I don’t want to apologize.
I try this thing, you know, where you just try to not expect anything from anyone. Let’s face it, when you come to some point, it’s complete bullshit.
I shouldn’t apologize.
I’m fierce, and I love myself (oh, my bad!), but when it comes to my social relationships (meaning out of my relatives ones), they call me mature, respectful, and thoughtful even. I’m not the best, for sure. But I’ve come a long way, and I had my lots of disappointments, so why the hell should I tame myself ; my fire, my light, my inner strength. Why should I go in this dark corner as you please, and suffocate inside?
I can’t apologize.
Life taught me many, many things, and what comes out of it is that you got to set the world on fire, no matter what. I haven’t been there and suffered from unfair stupid people to just stand in some bloody corner, and not let myself be heard.
This is not okay. But I’m listening, always do, and even if I didn’t nod hearing your reasons, I still heard them. I’m completely thrown off by your stupidity and I can’t agree, but I hear you.
I should apologize.
Because it seems that I’m strong and you’re weak, and you don’t have my iron will. Yeah, I really should say that I’m sorry. I know I can hold a grudge like no one, and that’s maybe the most stupid thing in all of this.
And I wrote this today, in 2023 : holy fucking shit.
I was seriously guilty tripping myself over someone (I can only guess who it was because I do not remember properly). It was a period of time where I graduated from a school full of bullies, I was starting therapy, and working on a relationship which I thought could be repaired.
Probably the main thing that changed, that evolved was that I know that I will never, ever tame myself for anyone. No questions, no wonders, period. Some growth happened, but not in the way it was expected. I held myself in my own arms and just understood that it is alright to be sensitive, to have a depth of feelings wider that I ever thought I could be capable of. I dove into my own watery self, and almost a decade later, it made me shine even harder.
Because I tried to give myself more room to explore, understand bits of myself which were not encouraged or seen, not even by I, it gave me a sort of gentleness. I sincerely wasn’t aware that I could be kind.
And I still wouldn’t say that I’m kind as a main trait of my character, but I know that I can be when I want to. It feels stupid to write this but how true it is. How naive and childish and arrogant I can be. How demanding am I of my own soul.
Around 2018, I tried to shush myself. It became too much inside, a toxic pressure building for years, and I was like, “let’s try to not shine, not speak about yourself, to not be loud about what you want”. What a mistake. Maybe though, this one was needed. For four months, I held this behavior to please, have peace, not receive remarks. Guess what? I was still depicted as the bad guy, and verbally abused by some. I was in such pain, and inside, I became wild, like a wounded animal, doing what it would have to do in order to survive. For the first time in my life, I was reaching one of my limit. This is how I knew this road wasn’t for me. And I tried, you know. I guess I’m not a people pleaser, and neither good at pretending shit.
This is how I realized that I was not meant for what anyone would EVER expect of me, not even my owns tricky expectations. I am a sort of messy magnet for light and gratitude, yet I burn, selfish as it may be, and I’m not here to apologize for any of this. I’m a force and I’m fragile. This works both ways.
Although, let’s face it, do I still hold grudges like a fucking pro? Absolutely.
I would even dare to say that I’m against forgiveness, and I know, it sounds silly, immature, ruthless. This is where I am today and I’m not going against this feeling because fuck you, babe. I don’t have to justify this at all. I think just most people forget that maybe, people who hurt like I did and keep on holding grudges are probably the most sensitive people of all. If not, then I’m just a dumb bitch and that’s okay too.
Back to the main meal, don’t carry too much guilt over your shoulders. Keep your stamina to carry better things such as love, empathy and some badassery. Not all villains wear cloaks, some might wear their heart on their sleeves as well.
“It takes guts be to gentle and kind.” The Smiths
-Audrey
#writing positive shit#baby audrey#2016 vs 2023#my thoughts#eating my feelings#growth#total baddie#almost grown woman#still holding grudges#unforgiving#hurt#sad bitch#moving on#sorry not sorry#don't fuck with me#vulnerable#strong#fierce angel#burn burn bun#always love#be you#by audrey
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Me: *eats pizza rolls for lunch*
Me: *eats pizza for dinner*
Sister: you...um...
Me: I eat super healthy.
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