#i ended up not putting my critic in this cuz it was just too long
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Okay so after the whole Sakuna/Wansarut and Phaya/Tharn "characters description" fighter (protector)/healer+protector(mediator) post, now imma talk about about our resident Snake (PhD), Doctor Chalothorn being a fighter and well how do you convince a fighter to not fight?
I've already made a whole gifset about this but I needed to put the stuff into words cuz u just can't say everything in a gifset so this post is gonna be about a few things, first of all, the way Charlothorn's goals shifted in the last 2 episodes, from wanting to kill Phaya so he can have Tharn, to wanting to save Tharn and Phaya's end not really mattering anymore, and second of all Tharn's role in this shift and where have we saw something similar to this shift before aka Wansarut and Sakuna and how Wansarut even did that
Same disclaimer as the last one applies : pulling this out of my ass from watching the show, these are raw out-of-order thoughts, ill try my best to separate but like the last post because I'm going to have to go back and forth between Wansarut (love of my life, talking about Wansarut has to be my favorite activity rn), Sakuna, Tharn (smooching him smooching him), Phaya and Chalothorn this might get hard to follow but hey that's what it's like inside my brain so welcome to the mess
Putting it under keep reading
So like I said in the last post, Chalothorn is a fighter, like you can't get more fighter than this, the man is literally the prince/ruler of Nagas and he is right in the middle of the battle field anytime there is a fight to be had, and like I said in Sakuna's part of the post he is a level that can probably can only be rivaled by Sakuna's brother, you can't be a higher level of Naga fighter from what I understand, so like how do you fight this man if you are Wansarut and Sakuna? (ep. 8)
Keep in mind that : the answer is that they never were supposed to fight Chalothorn
SCENARIO 1 : Chalothorn wins
This is what we've seen in the show, Sakuna/Wansarut/Phaya/Tharn would never win against him in a fight because they just aren't strong enough to began with, Sakuna and his Garuda were not Chalothorn's level when he was alive, Wansarut is a healer/protector not a fighter, Phaya can only do ✨Sparkles✨ of Garuda powers as of rn and while Tharn can do some powerful protecting he is of the gang the person who is the less in contact with his past and magical self (other than for protecting Phaya magic, we have not even seen his Naga in this lifetime) and also his past self wasn't even a fighter, so it makes sense that Chalothorn just keep killing them and every single one of their reincarnations, he kills them so much that it was destroying his own soul (ep. 8) because surprise he is getting affected by the little cyclic karma thingy they got going on too, this isn't just about Wansarut/Sakuna and PhayaTharn, Chalothorn is trapped in this shit too
Clearly fighting is not the answer, because even if you win, which Chalothorn has been doing a lot of, you still lose, Chalothorn is losing control of his Naga form, not only does it destroy his soul (ep. 8) but he might just not be able to turn into his human form anymore aka would be forced to be a Naga forever (ep. 9)
Another lost of this is that he keeps losing Wansarut and having to wait for the cycle to start again so he would get another chance, like the level of psychological damage getting done to him because he kills the one he loves and he is always left behind alone to wait is enough to drive anybody insane (ep. 11)
And I think that's one of the reasons why it took him so long to understand that he should let Wansarut/Tharn go, because when you do something so despicable and keep doing it over and over again you have to justifies your bad actions to yourself so you don't break and the more you justifies them the harder it becomes to see clearly through them, so you just keep doing it, like Chalothorn probably hates himself more than he even hates Phaya or love Tharn at this point because he keeps killing reincarnations of Wansarut, like this is his reaction to killing Wansarut the first time, falling to his knees screaming and everything (ep. 8), the cognitive dissonance in that man's brain must be insane
SCENARIO 2 : Phaya wins
Now let's imagine for a second there that they did win, Phaya succeeded in killing Charlothorn, and then what? Isn't Charlothorn just gonna reincarnate and come back for them again? Like yes it might take some times but it will happen, and then Phaya and Tharn would be the one destroying their souls and making their karma worst, that's just not a solution
Also we saw with Narong's case part of the show that "victim turned attacker" is not the answer (anyways that's what the show says), when Tharn and Phaya are talking to the abbot at the end of episode 5 the abbot keep repeating that over and over again killing is not the answer
When Phaya Says "Those victims are left with no choice but to fight back in order to survive. They have to kill."
The abbot answers "The basic code of moral conducts for human beings like us is the 5 precepts. One should be abstained from killing other living beings. These precepts can bring peace and happiness to your family and the society. Undertaking the 5 precepts will benefit not only yourself but also the people around you." Basically straight up telling them that [not killing] is the only answer that will bring peace to everyone
Also so many parallels can be made between Narong and Chalothorn (which is probably why it was easy for Chalothorn to possess Narong to attack Phaya but let's not get into that), because like isn't this Chalothorn? (ep. 5)
His mind is so clouded by anger and wanting to kill Phaya and getting Tharn that he is obsessed with it, he literally do not see anything else, specially if Phaya is in the room and/or mentioned, like I said a bit higher in this post, he hates Phaya, but he probably hates himself too, and so much hate and anger just blinds people
Also sidenote that I'm not really gonna dive into : How do you think Tharn would feel about Phaya killing Chalothorn, knowing what u know about him? like Tharn loves Chalothorn as a friend, and that's even if Chalothorn is responsible for all the bad things in his life (ep. 12)
Tharn may be looking at Chalothorn saying this but he said "Please stop killing each other." he could not be more clearly talking to both of them, he doesn't want Chalothorn to kill Phaya but he also doesn't want Phaya to kill Chalothorn
SCENARIO 3 : Tharn Wins
Now lemme say this, you can literally never convince a fighter by fighting him, like if you've ever had a fight/argument with someone you know that you cannot reach a compromise in the heat of the fight when everyone is angry and losing the control of their emotions, it just doesn't work, but what does work in the context of the show?
Wansarut and Sakuna
And now I'm back to Wansarut (<3<3<3<3<3<3) and Sakuna because well Wansarut did change a fighter's mind before already, this is part of Wansarut's power that's why I also describe Wansarut as a mediator, and what did Wansarut do exactly?
Well Wansarut healed Sakuna, even if he is from the enemy side, and took care of him and acted in a way that was protective of him, even if again Sakuna is an enemy of Wansarut's people (literally brother of the Garuda king) because that Wansarut's character, Wansarut is a healer/a protect/a mediator that's how Wansarut fights (ep. 8)
Then Wansarut tough Sakuna about Naga culture (Naga offering and breathing fire to pay respect to Buddha, on the 15th nigh of the 11th waxing moon)
And while being in love with each other did facilitate this change of view in Sakuna (which would later turn him a bit into a protector of Wansarut), you really do not need to be for this to work, like the best way to change people views on some things truly is just to expose them to the thing from the POV of the people living it, when nobody is in any immediate danger
And that is exactly how Tharn succeeded in convincing Chalothorn that the love between Phaya and him is good, by being there for Chalothorn and taking care of him, and being patient, until Chalothorn was ready to let him go on his own, not in the heat of of fight when everyone is angry and putting the blame on each other, which was again so healer/ protector/mediator of him like I talked about in my other post
Tharn and Chalothorn : the final
So with Wansarut and Sakuna we saw how Tharn could change Chalothorn's mind and what really does work, now imma dive into the last 2 episodes of this show aka the shift in Chalothorn
So in episode 6, Chalothorn says this
And at that time I think those words were true cuz that's literally what he has been doing isn't it? Like everytime he lost, both Wansarut and Sakuna's reincarnations died, so he was "okay" with killing Wansarut, as long as it meant that Sakuna was also dead and they weren't together (crazy way to fight cognitive dissonance if you ask me) but then something changed around episode 11 because Chalothorn started saving Tharn even if Phaya was still alive? (Ep. 11) (ep.12)
The importance of Chalothorn saving Tharn those 2 times, is that 1) now Tharn knows what the fuck is going on and 2) (like I said in the other post) Tharn end up understanding that Chalothorn can be talked too and reasoned with (the abbot would call it enlightenment), because in that 2nd saving he told Chalothorn to not kill Montee, and Chalothorn listened
Sidenote : Wansarut also did tell Chalothorn to not kill Sakuna and Chalothorn did listen that time too, like Wansarut has a BIG influence on this man (wish we saw their relationship before the mess), the only reason why the fight did continue was because Sakuna did not let Wansarut go
Why did he listen then? because he loves Wansarut, it really is as simple as that, and that's why he also listened to Tharn with Montee, because our chronically involuntary celibate man is head over dick for Tharn (valid and relatable)
So remember when I was talking about cognitive dissonance and stuff, well by ep 12, Chalothorn cannot justifies killing Tharn anymore, he is tired, he is turning into a Naga, and he cannot stand seeing another reincarnation of Wansarut die again, but most importantly he cannot stand to see Tharn die by his own hands
It's easy to concentrate on Phaya's distress in this scene but Chalothorn is in as much distress as Phaya, you can hear Chalothorn's voice break when Tharn is dying in both Phaya and his arms after asking them to stop killing each other, they are both screaming Tharn's name, and this time Chalothorn just listen because this is too much, his hatred for Phaya is just not important anymore, killing Phaya is just not as important anymore because anyways Tharn did choose him didn't he? isn't that what he wanted? even if Tharn clearly is in love with Phaya, Tharn did choose to come with him, so in a way none of this shit even fucking matters anymore
So for the 3rd time, he saves Tharn, this time by literally giving Tharn his soul so he would live (wish we saw him breaking down over Tharn dying in his arms in the Naga caves until he ended up giving Tharn his soul tbh), Chalothorn chooses to save a life instead of ending one and thus ending the curse on his part
#the sign the series#the sign#mjtag#tagging you mj cuz u liked my chalothorn gifset so you might like this#hope this makes sense i kinda did not re-read after i was done writing it#my only critic of this show is that i needed them to huminaze chalothorn more#by showing me wansarut interacting with chalothorn before the whole sakuna situation#and also by showing me chalothorn crying/breaking down/panicking over Tharn dying in his arms in the Naga caves#until he decides to just give Tharn his soul#this show needed to be 14 episodes SO bad#i ended up not putting my critic in this cuz it was just too long#but what i just said in the tag is basically it my critic is that it needed to be 14 episodes#i can elaborate in an ask if asked about it#anyways this show really makes my psychology and character lover brain tingle
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♤Another astrological observations♤
Ps: i am still learning and astrology is a forever learning subject. It may or may not be relatable. :)
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•° solar return observations °•
Solar return 7th house- the sign in your 7th house of your solar return will probably be the one to backbitch/backstab you👀. For eg- having Sagittarius descendant, people with sag sun or prominent sag placements are likely going to do you very wrong. 😊🪰
SR Uranus in 1st- an apparent change in the appearance of the individual. Dying their hair, a haircut, change in the makeup looks, joining the gym, having skincare routine, etc.🦄😋
SR Jupiter in the 12th- spiritual enlightenment🧞♂️. Could be the time youre very sensitive to the energies of the people. Seeing spirits frequently👻. (Hack- wear black tourmaline for the shield against negative energies). This is the time when everything will be clear to you, the intentions of the people, their traits, their habits, their trauma🤠 (your's aswell).👽
SR moon in the 6th- sensitive to other people's words, their criticism, etc. Take care of your health at this time please. Eating disorder. Very moody. Might eat spicy food alot. 🥲
SR neptune in the 11th- the friends, peers, acquaintances you have, you'll be getting to know about them more clearly👀 in negative way ofcourse, Alot of deceiving, lying, manipulation, taking behind your back, cheating, blah blah blah.😗🪓🩸
SR Saturn in the 11th- yes you ARE GOING TO LOSE FRIENDS, even the closest friend you have🙃. I honestly LOVE Saturn whatever house it's in because it fucking slaps you so hard that you begin to see everyfuckingthing very clearly🤪😶🌫️. Its going to be hard for you but dont worry youre better of with little to no friends than lying poopies.💩💝
SR venus in the 1st- you're going to be every 2nd person's crush, like literally fr. You're guna appear more ethereal and soft to the other person, maybe innocent too which will make the other person wAnT tO pRoTeCt YoU aT aLL cOsT🥺 because to them you're vulnerable to the world😐😐😐😐.
SR mars in the 3rd- alot of fights with your siblings/ cousins/ childhood friends. Way of communication may be direct, more straight forward, could even be a little cruel ehe🤭. Probably guna put people in their fucking place. Humbling down people alot.💅
SR aquarius ascendant- very detached from the emotions. Its like giving yourself 5 minutes to feel everything then after that, stop feeling completely until the next year. ORRR.... you could be in your feelings for the 1st or last 6 months then the rest of the year? Nonchalant🧘(could be opposite).Your mood for the year: 'eehh'😐 'Okhay'😐 'Yeah'😐 'Mhm'😐 'No'😐 'Don't'😐 'Shut up'😐 'Can you leave me alone'😐 'Youre so annoying'😐 'Can you stop'😐 'Omg youre a fucking fe/male'😐. Might be the year you'll question your sexuality.
SR lilith in the 4th- watch your closest ones/ own family turn against you just cuz you stood up against their negativity and manipulation. Oof!! 😍😍😍THE BEST YEAR EVERRR!!!🥳🤯💋 Sarcasm intented. Theyre going to spread false rumors about you. Play victim card in the situations they create. Its like creating a problem for you to solve.🧍🏻♀️🧍♂️🗣
SR venus in the 5th- will attract ALOT of love interests👀🔥🧲 but since its a 5th house, it wont be long lasting. For girls: this placement can make guys crazily obsessed with you for monthsss beware as they can note down your every move (3 of my friends had this and the guys ended up following them home, it was scary). For guys: this can make girls want to be with you just bcz everyone wants you, youre the center of everyone's attention (cheating could be involved too👀)
SR Sun/mars/pluto in the 6th- take care of your health because; sun: can make you vulnerable to the evil eyes which could lead you to falling sick frequently🪰🧿. Mars: your anger, impulsiveness, all the othet martian feelings, can make you sick as well, so beware of your surroundings and your mental health🎭. Pluto: the jealousy with this can turn physical real quick✂️. And all three: JUST. TAKE. CARE. 😀 🫠
SR moon in the 7th- sweeeeettttt cravings will ⬆️⬆️. Feeling very joyful for no reason🌞. Feeling 'Butterfly in the stomach' frequently🦋. Lovesick🐕🦺.
SR mercury in the 5th- you could hear from a friend that a lot of "certain someone's" like you😊. Love to talk about your interests and hobbies. Involvement in frequent get-togethers, random friends meet💁🏻♀️.
SR saturn in the 8th- might deal with your own fears. Could be a triggering year for you🧘.
SR nn in the 9th/12th- frequent travels🗺. Might overthink alot about the world and the life (a lot of what's, why's, who's, how's, etc).
Wherever SR Jupiter is, you're expanding that. Like for eg- 5th house: your interests, might pursue your hobbies, or if you already are, lets say an artist, youll expand your art, the type of drawings you make. 2nd house: your business. Money. Self esteem. Confidence. 11th house: your friend circle, electronics, etc.
SR saturn/neptune in the 8th- out of nowhere setbacks, betrayal, cheating, etc are possible. BUT you WILL receive a news about CERTAIN SOMEONE which will make you question them🤫. Or youll get to know some f-ed up family secrets😗.
SR Scorpio ascendant- watch people getting intimated💁🏻♀️. You're guna hear rumorssss about youuu👀🤫. Random guys/girls approaching you with the intention of "hUmBLiNg YoU dOwN" 🗣💩 (ykwim).
SR venus in the 7th- randomly, out of nowhere, falling for someone veryyyy haaarrrdd🕳🚶🏻♀️.This usually happens within 3-5 months after your birthday.
Whereas... 😗
SR neptune/saturn in the 7th- showing you why you shouldn't have😊. (If i were you i wouldn't give them a 2nd chance, many people don't deserve it🧘. Pay attention if its their "traits" or "company" either way, you shouldn't forgive them because "traits" are self explanatory, they wont ever change, and if its the "company" affecting them then its guna be tiring for you and trust me you wouldn't want a person who is gullible🧍🏻♀️).
SR Uranus anywhere- sudden. Anything sudden. For the better or the worse🎭. Out of nowhere. Unexpected👀. The ex you didn't see? Here s/he comes💩. Job offer🌞. Oldest friend contacting you🏌♂️.realization about career path. Your personality, your looks. Family dynamics. Home, etc.
SR lilith/neptune in the 1st/5th/7th/8th/10th/11th- people be copying youuuu i seeee👀. Your secret enemies wanting to be you👀. Copying your style, outfit, skincare. Haircare, haircut, your hobbies, even your career path🤾♀️. Amd they'll still have the audacity to TELL YOU how you should be doing *insert what you're good at* 🧍🏻♀️🧍♂️like?????. Jealousy runs deeeppp 😶🌫️.
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Thank you for reading :) <3
#astrology observations#astro notes#astro community#astro placements#astrology placements#solar return#solar return observations#astrology notes
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101 ways to kill Barney Calhoun
I ended up making this list by going through multiple servers and people so here cuz I found it in my phone notes
Anyway the brilliant minds of the half-life fandom
1.) Waited pressure plate with tnt under it
2.) im going to leave mines under his mattress
3.) i’m setting a rake on his floor so he steps on it and whacks his face
4.) I'm giving him a bomb disguised as a cigar
5.) barney death 3: he ate what elvis presley ate….
6.) I would kill Barney Calhoun by slapping him so hard on the ass that it gives him cardiac arrest
7.) I drop him onto a pit of venomous snakes
8.) Im going to give Barney a beer but instead of beer it will be filled with deadly neurotoxin
9.) “now gordon, ive been keepin an eye out on this combine hideout for a while. they seem to walk in a certain pattern when crossing over to the entrance, which makes me think theyve buried mines all over the place. now, ive memorized the pattern, so im just gonna sneak on over, and you follow my lead, alright? dont worry, i know exactly where all the mines are.” and then he explodes
10.) that one episode of sponge bob where he eats the exploding pie and explodes
11.) set up tripwire then he falls into a tiger pit
12.) I type kill npc_barney into console
13.) slap the boobies off his chest so hard them fly around the world and hit the side of his head like water balloons
14.) i could marry him and slowly feed him mercury over a span for 3 years until he dies of mercury poisoning
15.) He tries to become a wwe wrestler but gets killed in a freak accident mid match
16.) I would kill him by making him a pizza but it’s covered in big chunks of lead but it’s hidden in the sauce and it’s a Chicago style pizza
17.) bring him to a highway and kiss him so hard he gets knocked onto the road and gets ran over
18.) Peeling him apart by the dna strand and eating it like spaghetti
19.) barney gets trampled by a stampede of horses
20.) giving him under the counter off brand viagra
21.) put him in a washing machine and turn it on
22.) shark attack
23.) pit of sharks
24.) barney gets criticized so badly he dies
25.) barney sits in an uncomfortable chair for too long
26.) He gets his arm caught in a bear trap w a beer used as a lure
27.) HE BECOMES THE CAT THAT TRAUMATIZED HIM. HE….YKNOW…..
28.) he gets stuck in a swimming pool like hes in the sims and dies from getting exhausted and drowning
29.) barney roasting marshmallows but his stick ignites into flames and he burns to death
30.) ATTACH SO MANY BALLOONS TO BARNEY HE FLOATS AWAY INTO THE SKY NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN
31.) barney gets rejected by gordon and he gets so sad his body shuts down
32.) I kiss him so tenderly on the lips that he melts into a puddle and dies
33.) i throw him in to a volcano so that he melt into a puddle and dies
34.) "I’ll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I’ll put that flea in a box, and then I’ll put that box inside of another box, and then I’ll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives…I’ll smash it with a hammer!"
35.) stick a bottle of beer into his throat, the whole bottle
36.) give Barney Calhoun a beer can full of poison
37.) hang a piano over the toilet and wait
38.) i think barney should have his spine ripped out through his mouth
39.) he goes to a bar and tries flirting with the bartender and the bartender takes out a shotgun and kills him on the spot
40.) punch him so hard in the penis that he shatters like a brittle glass
41.) bite him in half
42.) I'm grinding him in a giant shredder
43.) bro took a bath in hot mac 'n cheese
44.) i put him ina giant caldron full of water and i begin boiling him down to gelatin and broth
45.) barney accompanies the crew to the borealis and he steps over thin ice and gets dunked into the below zero water and freezes to death
46.) barney calhoun gets carried away by a tornado
47.) took barney on a vacation to Hawai’i and pushed him into a volcano
48.) He dies and he's never mentioned again and nobody cares
49.) died of tummy ache
50.) Stepped on by a strider
51.) shrinked until he disappeared completely
52.) blasted into the sun
53.) Stab him with 300 pencils made with real lead
54.) slip and falls and dies
55.) put him into a Minecraft furnace
56.) Barney ignores the wet floor sign and slips and cracks his head
57.) while swimming in the swimming pool he swims to fast and smashes his face against the pool's wall
58.) he gets a concussion and drowns
59.) i want to put him through a lunchmeat slicer
60.) He falls off a dumb huge cliff
61.) he lives his life to the fullest and at his deathbed at age 93, June 29th, 6:12 am he passes away
62.) he eats a burgie with too much grease and gets a heart attack
63.) testicular cancer
64.) He should get sucked into a fan while trying to fix it at Black Mesa and literally no one comes looking for him
65.) The Pita Bread Room
66.) slipped on a Banana peel
67.) ran over by a crap ton of shopping carts rolling down the hill
68.) barney overheats in a fursuit
69.) he has sex so bad that he dies
70.) Barney dies because i fucking kill him with a shovel 🖕
71.) barney eats the gas station sushi
72.) barney faints via twirling around and holding his hand in front of his forehead, and then slowly lying down with a flower in his hands to indicate death
73.) When they turn off the suppression fields he just blows up
74.) barney gets crushed by a giant boulder thats all i got son
75.) barney goes to the beach that makes you old
76.) His head spontaneously combusts and pops like corn
77.) erectile dysfunction
78.) we should also have him get carbon monoxide poisoning
79.) barney gets gaussian blurred into nothingness
80.) he eats 20 year old expired mcdonalds burger and contracts the worst case of food poisoning youve ever seen
81.) Have we done tying him to a train track like a damsel
82.) he dies in a glue trap
83.) barney develops lactose intolerance over the years of combine occupation and he drink milk and then dies from shitting hinself to death
84.) he should chocke on his favourite food
85.) barney gets lead poisoning from a 1990s garfield glass mug
86.) he chokes on plastic
87.) barney gets thrown throw a glass window from a 15 story building
88.) gordon gives barney a wedgie so bad that he splits in half and dies
89.) gordon and barney divorce and barney dies from heartbreak
90.) alyx and gordon have enough of barney’s snoring so they smother him in his sleep with a pillow
91.) he trips while walking with gordon and impales himself on gordons crowbar face
92.) if he were the size of an ant he'd be ok instead he blows up like a watermelon and his remains are fed to lamarr by a very delighted kleiner. he fucking hated barney
93.) dog roughhouses with barney and accidentally obliterates his spinal cord
94.) barney gets poisoned to death by his own chumtoad
95.) coats him in eggs and flour and fries him
96.) snatched by a hawk and eten alive
97.) barney gets to participate in a danganronpa killing game and gets executed
98.) barney opens the love-letter-for-you.txt.vbs file and it kills him
99.) elaborate rube goldberg machine to drop an anvil on barney
100.) barney dies in an Iron Maiden
101.) we should put barney under those old timey stone tablets meant to squish and torture people and make them talk
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So, Rise of the Beasts!!
I saw it twice of the weekend, and I want to put down my honest thoughts.
Overall, I had a great time and I definitely think it's worth watching. Ignore the critic reviews for some reason they are offended that a Transformers movie exists to sell toys. You know, their sole purpose since the very beginning of inception. But OF COURSE I have THOUGHTS so...
Spoilers under the cut!
I liked the human characters for the most part. Noah's sudden onboard motives for going with the autobots to Peru was not as convincing but adventure needs to happen so I gave it a pass.
Mirage is like, DTF with Noah. Like he is SO ready for that tiny bf bff. It's obvious that Bee spoke so much about Charlie (cuz it seemed he was the only one who did talk positively about humans in their group) that Mirage was just. HIS BODY WAS READY.
CHARLIE WAS MENTIONED!!! AHHHHH!!! That was the one tiny smidgeon of a crumb that I wanted and they gave it to me. Granted it was implied when Optimus says "I know one was good to you, Bee" But I was told that the Latin America dub had him say Charlie's actual name. There was a SCENE that was cut out according to the Hollywood Reporter--that Bumblebee had also pulled out a polaroid pic that Charlie took of them together from the first movie here to show OP. HE'S BEEN CARRYING AROUND HER PICTURE ALL THESE YEARS I DIE WHY DID YOU CUT THIS OUT!!!
Mirage's abilities seem very arbitrary. And I do not like this. He can turn into several alt modes which seems to be only a thing that he can do... he can mass shift--which I know mass shifting is a thing but when he turns into a truck to sneak past the museum security I was like??? I was always under the impression that the bots could turn into a vehicle relative to their own actual size so this just confuses me. There is supposedly an earlier cut of the film where it was more clear that the trailer was another illusion. which I wish they kept in. Also when he becomes Noah's symbiote suit at the end?? Like, as a shipper and rule of cool I am into it, but as a person who wants rules to ground my science fiction I don't like how Mirage is just a swiss army knife for the writer's convenience. It feels lazy instead of taking the time to actually worldbuild. Nobody else can do these things.
The arbitrary mass shifting of him being as big or as small as he wants (like when he becomes Noah's exosuit) really falls apart when they keep insisting that they need the humans because only they can fit into small spaces. Well, clearly not cuz you can just do it yourself. AGAIN, PLEASE BE CONSISTENT WITH YOUR RULES.
Airazor x Elena. Anyone else????
speaking of which, I am very upset about what happens to Airazor. And we never even got to see her transform. tragic.
Optimus sure was a negative nancy which--I understand why but I hope they ease up on edgy "i will rip everyone's faces off" Optimus because it feels disingenuous to his character to keep it going for too long. Like I get it, they killed your fave child so I will forgive you but also I want more of "Be strong enough to be gentle" Optimus. Not the edgelord Bayverse Optimus that they are clearly going for cuz the know certain :ahem: fans like that.
Beeeee. They put him out of commission which again, according to interviews they did just so they could make sure he doesn't steal the spotlight and give a chance for the other characters to shine lmao. He is too powerful. But also because we shots of him in the trailers, I was not too worried about Bee staying out of commission. But goddamn when if I still wasn't hyped as hell when he made his comeback. 10/10 he proves he's still the GOAT.
I hate Pablo/Wheeljack. No, after seeing the movie my opinion of him did not improve in fact it got so much worse. His design was the LEAST of his problems. Every moment he was on screen was deeply cringe. And he barely did anything!! He could have not been in the movie at all and it wouldn't have made a difference and I genuinely believe it would have been a better film. All this hullaballoo over Pablo and this is what we got. Wheeljack fans lost hard after all that defense I'm sorry this ain't it.
Hey speaking of bots that barely got any lines or screentime, wtf was up with Rhinox and Cheetor? My boys got shafted :(
There was a moment where OP is asking the bots if they detected the terrorcons and Arcee WHO IS SITTING in the pablo van was like "lol nope" and I was like GURL how could you, you're in a van. And it made no sense because don't you also have an altmode??? Shouldn't you be scouting outside to cover more ground???
I firmly believe the only had Arcee sitting in there like a dumb duck because they wanted Wheeljack to make a dumb joke in the original cut about how it was a long time since she was inside him. UGHUGHUGH.
Did I mention how glad I am that they cut the majority of Wheeljack's screentime since it was so awful especially his and Arcee's implied romance? Especially since they killed off the other femmes so the only one we got now has to have a mandatory romance. No thanks. Glad that nonsense is gone.
The Maximals' robot modes were very minimal. and they went by so fast I never got a good look at their designs.
I loved how the Maximals were harmoniously living with the native tribe--and speaking their language!
Scourge's face reveal seemed to be treated like it was a big deal but when we saw him it was just... guy without his wig on. Literally the surprise is that he is bald.
Noah x Mirage is very strong good. I have no doubt the fandom will be all over it since they seem to eat up BL romance much more readily and I am all for it. They also have all the great ingredients for it--flirting, drift compatibility, self sacrifice for the other. Another human x transformer ship for the books.
I'm sure there are some ppl who like the ending. but I.... did not. I do not want to see G.I.Joes in my transformers I'm sorry. I don't want the return of military propaganda or more introductions to several human characters that take away from the transformers. I don't want to see them exploited or used for our own human affairs--even if it's a fictional cult-- when they could be literally fighting Decepticons or Unicron or whatever. People might have wanted them in Bayverse cuz it was heavily skewed Military in those films but I don't want to see it again. It was a terrible, dark time. the Joes might be presented as good guys but I don't trust the military in general and I don't see their motives as altruistic--especially if their goal is to use them for their own purposes. Why would they help them get home? They wouldn't, if just to keep their best weapons--and Noah is bait. He is bait and he will fall for it hook line and sinker because they are bribing him with his brother's healthcare and the fact that he is struggling to find work elsewhere.I hope if they are to be involved at all it will be relegated to characters here and there but they stay in their own movies if they have to ride on Transformers coattails to revive an irrelevant struggling franchise.
There was minimal human injuries/death and I appreciate that. They did the DBZ thing where they took their fight to remote locations. This probably won't keep up if they introduce the Joes :/
Overall, 8/10. I had a fun time. I didn't love it as much as Bumblebee but it was definitely miles better than Bayverse (a low bar I know). The action was clear, the characters likable, the CGI mostly stellar. I have hope that they will bring back Charlie maybe. But hey, I took my parents to it the second time around and my Mom liked Mirage and my Dad did not fall asleep so I will consider that a stamp of approval.
#transformers#rise of the beasts#ROTB#text post#long post#read more under the cut#not so much a review as all of the thoughts i had while watching it
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cant send this on anon. sad! anyways i think the point of pattons arc is to accept that the others have importance. learning to not bottle up his feelings was the first step to fixing a larger issue about himself, that being that he tries to put all responsibility of himself. and that manifests in a lot of ways, including not respecting the others and their roles.
but then you get to the end of pof, and after janus resigns to being wrong about everything, patton says that they both know that's not true. that to me signifies that something shifted in him after pof. thats him directly recognizing that janus was right. that selfishness was the right choice, that janus is important. and this is a direct consequence of janus pointing out his flaws to him (when he turns back into a human he admits that he doesn't know what hes doing and he cant pretend that he does anymore. which is a direct response to when he resolves to make sure thomas isnt a bad person in svs)
does that mean he's good at it? no. not at all. but i do think hes trying. given that hes already had a major breakdown in a video i cant see the same happening for the finale but he should definitely take time to acknowledge the others roles. maybe he can talk logan/orange down and tell him that the rage he feels is justified and important to thomas? something like that. i would love it if remus got a chance to be involved but i have the bad feeling hes gonna be the designated one dimensional comedic relief. which i kinda get why but also come the fuck on. anyways thats my two cents idk
i completely agree with you homie!!!
i also appreciate the nuance in this take cuz so many people fly to my askbox and try to tell me that patton is some innocent baby and that he should never be criticized ever because "he's trying!" and that's not what you did you actually spoke like with intelligence which was so fucking awesome to read. /g
i absolutely agree with everything you said. this is patton's arc. his arc isn't "i'm too nice and i need to stop being too nice" HELL NO that's not his arc whatsoever and there is no indication of that being his arc even though people constantly pretend that's his arc. NO. his arc is that he needs to learn that he is not the end-all-be-all of thomas' mind, and that he is not always the most important voice in the conversation. though he doesn't have overstated hubris, how highly he thinks of himself and how lowly he thinks of the others is blatantly obvious through his actions, and he's slowly getting better at, like, NOT doing that and it's really good change to see! he still has a...long...long...LONG way to go, but at least he's going somewhere. i just wish people would acknowledge this super interesting journey instead of watering patton down and being super fucking annoying whenever i try to critique him the tiniest bit.
#thomas sanders#sanders sides#tss#roman sanders#sanders sides fandom#virgil sanders#patton sanders#logan sanders#remus sanders#janus sanders#sanders sides analysis#sanders sides fandom critical#tss fandom crit
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Inspired by the recent puppy post from Motley Zoo and my undying love for animals, here's what I think each of the ghouls/ghoulettes would keep as a pet :
Phantom : He saw someone walking their dog his first week topside and made it his life mission to get one. After a lot of research and internal debate, he ended up adopting a pitbull/labrador mix from a local shelter. Her name is Petunia and she's the definition of sweet baby angel.
Mountain : He decided to fully commit to the farm boy aesthetic and he got himself some quails. They have their own coop and fenced little garden. They used to be have free range on the entire gardens but they'd always end up eating his vegetables. They look like tiny little chicks when he's holding them. He lets the other ghouls choose their name which unfortunately got him stuck with one called Cum. His favourite was affectionately named Nugget by Swiss.
Aether : Bunny. Tiny little miniature one too, all white except for a small black spot on its nose. It's free to roam around his room and Aether learned the hard way to hide any and all loose cables (more than once). He named it Dust. Because Dust Bunny. He swears it's funny.
Rain : AXOLOTL. She's albino and he named her Rose because of her pink little frill gills. He can understand her somehow, some weird water creature thing. She has a very simple brain tho and mostly screams at him for food. Dew and Swiss love to draw mustaches and hats on her tank with markers.
Dew : He has a black cat named Purrcifer. The cute little thing just started following him one day and Dew can't seem to get rid of him (not that he tried too hard). He says it's the Ministry's cat cuz he spends all day roaming around the ground and hunting mice, but the cat definitely sleeps in his bed every night.
Swiss : He swore he'd never get a pet, he's too unfocused to remember to take care of one properly. Until he accompanied Rain on a trip to the pet store and spotted a ball python. Love at first sight, just look at that puppy face. He spent weeks doing research and was pleased to learn that they only eat like once a week? Maybe every two weeks? That's perfect. He got a huuuge female and named her Fluffy. Fluffy is his pride and joy.
Aurora : Ferret. She wanted a cat at first but she discovered that they came in noodle format and was like !!!YES!!! She taught him fetch. They play with paper balls. He's stolen other ghouls' snacks on multiple occasions.
Sunshine : She really wanted a chameleon but she saw how high maintenance the suckers are and settled for a crested gecko. It doesn't officially have a name because it wouldn't recognize it anyway. Definition of no thought, head empty. Most times, she calls it NO STOP DON'T JUMP THERE. She loves it so fuckin much.
Cumulus : She has the cutest blue budgie. She taught it so many tunes that they sing together all day long. It loves nothing more than to hang on her shoulder all day and watch her do her tasks. One of its many favourite sounds to imitate is the ringtone of whoever's in the room with them. No one knows how it learned to differentiate them all.
Cirrus : She set up a pretty little saltwater tank in her room. It's home to two clownfish and their anemone. They're called Led Zeppelin and Metallica, no she will not take criticism on the name. The tank is very beautifully decorated and everyone keeps bugging her to put up a big one in the common room, which she always refuses cuz she doesn't trust any of them with salt water.
#the band ghost#ghost bc#nameless ghoul#nameless ghouls#swiss ghost#swiss ghoul#dewdrop ghost#phantom ghoul#rain ghost#mountain ghoul#aether ghoul#cirrus ghost#cumulus ghost#aurora ghoulette#sunshine ghoulette#ghost headcanons#nameless ghoul headcanons
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MACHI RELATIONSHIP HCS CUZ I LOVE HER
i’m doing this with female reader in mind but i have absolutely nothing against if someone wants a machi x male reader!! (plus i haven’t done female reader yet)
in troupe reader!!
this probably won’t be spoiler free btw
machi as a s/o is very caring and cautious about your safety
even though your in the troupe and she knows you can handle yourself she’ll keep an eye out for you
no matter how strong—stronger than her even
thats just how she is, if she gets a hunch she’ll come running
not literally—just to seem collected- but she would definitely internally worry if you don’t come back way after the time you were supposed to
if were talking after pakunoda died that’ll definitely heighten
she’ll be slightly more paranoid for you
if you’ve been in the troupe a long time you’ll notice these things
but if you were a replacement for a founding member you may or may not notice depending on your skill
its highly likely you do though, since all the troupe members are above average strong, whether in nen, resources, intelligence, gadgets, whatever!
machi would make sure you eat, drink & sleep properly
she’s a very caring lover
shes also the type to be very blunt though
dont take it to heart she means well by it
i feel if your in a relationship with her she trusts you a lot, so you probably own a apartment somewhere together
she’s decent at cooking
but if your a terrible cook she won’t mind because of her living conditions growing up
that doesn’t mean she won’t judge and give criticism though
how else will you improve? in her eyes
she’ll eat it but she’s still picky about it
teaches you what she knows about flavoring/seasoning (or whatever she doesn’t like about it)
i know she would be good at giving massages
but she will expect some in return
she keeps the house clean and expects you to, too
she’s used to living in clutter from childhood but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like cleanliness 🙄
if your a slob she’ll scold you but still clean the place up herself
she gets up early
like at the crack of dawn
she’s a get things done woman
when she goes to bed varies depending on your troupe missions, how tired she is, etc
she’ll probably wake you up early too but won’t care much as to when you go to bed
unless your health starts declining because of it
then she’ll start forcing you to go bed real early
like 7-8 pm
she doesn’t care if your a grown woman or not
she’s not loosing you all because you refuse to sleep 😒😑
as for dates it won’t necessarily be dates
she’ll just consider it as quality time
stargazing
indulging in your hobbies
her teaching you how to sew your own socks with holes back together
(she rummages through your drawer to find your socks with holes and if they’re dirty she’ll throw them out. if they’re clean they’re now sewn back together)
the troupe knows your together but thankfully it doesn’t put a elephant in the room
especially since y’all don’t do pda
if you try she’ll stop you
shes protective of you though
not really toward the troupe unless they tried to flirt with your fine and dine behind
even then she’d still expect you to handle it yourself and be loyal to her
if a stranger hits on you she be slightly more annoyed
she’s not hot headed though
if they get the message after you say your in a relationship, fine.
but if they keep harassing you?
slice and dice my brother
on another note
at the end of long days she would rest her head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat to lull her to sleep
or vice versa depending on who had a more stressful day
dont talk about it out loud though—especially in front of the troupe. she’ll stop doing it for weeks on end out of embarrassment. with enough time (and stress that built up) she’ll come back to doing it though
if your girly and like to do makeup and hair/skin care routines she’ll do it with you but not every time (skin care more than anything)
and don’t make a big deal or show out of it
but if you wanna sing your favorite songs she’ll have a soft smile on her face
wont sing with you though
also
she’ll shower/bath with you—but in a comfortable n casual way yknow?
no funny business just genuinely showering
scrubbing each other’s backs and scalps
massaging each other’s muscles
rubbing lotion into each other’s skin
then passing out early after changing into some comfy pajamas from the aroma of said lotion
life as her girlfriend is very domestic and relaxing really
#anime and manga#luffyvace#hxh#hunterxhunter#hunter x hunter#machi#machi komachine#machi hxh#machi phatom troupe#phantom troupe#machi x fem reader#machi x female reader#machi x f! reader#headcanons#anime headcanons#hxh headcanons#hunter x hunter headcanons#machi hcs#hunterxhunter headcanons#hunter hunter hcs#machi x reader#machi x afab reader#hxh machi#phantom troupe headcanons#phantom troupe x reader#phantom troupe x female reader#writer
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I’m gonna rank the couples in The Lunar Chronicles and explain why because I’m immensely bored I apologize in advance. And also just because it’s in a lower position doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing like there are only 4 spots-
Also SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES-
4th PLACE
WOLFLET- it’s the whole alpha thing that caused this I’m sorry like they need a lil more screen time and a lot less calling each other alpha. But I did really love them just not in the book Scarlet. I loved them in Cress and Winter when they were separated and it was just immense amounts of pining and I think they’re the most solid/loyal couple in the series like they’d do anything for each other and I love that. Honestly they’re a top tier couple and I wish we got more time with them like SOSN was peak because we got to see them being domestic and like adjusting I loved it. If they were put up against most other couples then they’d win I swear
3RD PLACE
CRESSWELL-these two were almost in 4th actually cuz they’re one of my least favourite tropes where it’s like “experienced suave guy who’s so hot and elite and older” and like “naive girl who’s never left her house and this is in fact the first human she’s spoken too” but somehow they made it enjoyable like I loved how she was like his sight in Cress and how well they work together. He also helps her come out of her shell and know her worth. I also love the fact that he’s a slut in recovery. They’re also the funniest couple and they also had the most slow burn which I enjoyed and I loved their ending. They’re very fun and again in any other circumstance in other list they’d be higher up (I also don’t like that Thorne’s 20+ and she’s 16 like it’s a lil weird-)
2ND PLACE
JACINTER-ok I’m kinda sad I put them in second and not first but yeah they’re my babies. They’re the best amalgamation of tropes I’ve ever seen like they’re childhood best friends to lovers, they’re forbidden love, they’re sun x moon (LISTEN HEAR ME OUT ON THIS), they’re grumpy x sunshine. I also love how much they genuinely adore each other and fight for each other to be safe as much as possible. They also have immense amounts of chemistry and tension in every scene they’re in. I also love that even though Winter is obviously the most vulnerable one in the relationship it doesn’t feel like he’s constantly doting on her like it feels equal like she doesn’t feel like a child being taken care of because of her mental health. I could talk about them hours like the pining the immense pining and the way they talk about and to each other it’s so beautiful like I miss them sm and they’re not popular enough like they’re the cutest I also have a headcanon that when they both move to Earth Jacin eventually retires from being her bodyguard and goes to medical school and they get to grow old somewhere where it always snows.
1ST PLACE
KAIDER- I love them they’re my favourite book couple ever actually like they’re like the first couple I ever genuinely shipped. And they were perfect in EVERY BOOK LIKE I WAS STRAPPED ON THIS TRAIN WITH THEM THEYRE SO ENDEARING AND PERFECT. Like ugh I genuinely had no notes on them for like bad stuff that I didn’t like. Like as I’m typing I’m think of criticism??? They’re so loyal to each other it’s makes me wanna BAWL AND THEYRE SO IN LOVE IT JUST YES. One of the main reasons I love them is because we had the two of them for so long like in Cinder it was only two POVs (if you don’t count Dr. Erland) and we got to see how they felt constantly and they’re such lil idiots and I love them like they’re it. I also love how much they compliment each other and bring out the best parts in the other if that makes sense like Kai learns a lot from her.They did almost lose to Jacinter tho and it came VERY CLOSE
Welp that’s the end. If you read all of ; here’s a heart for the trouble🤍
#the lunar chronicles#tlc cinder#tlc thorne#tlc scarlet#tlc kai#tlc cress#tlc winter#tlc wolf#jacin clay#jacinter#kaider
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Never apologize for rambling abt your OCs on my post. I love y ou (and HOHHH THAT SOUNDS SO INTERSETING I'M LOOKING)
OKAY COOL FUCK YEAH THANKS
im using you as an excuse to talk about my very own home-grown blorbos now
So!!!!!!!!! i literally only have half of a design for the two of these ocs, i've only drawn one of them ONCE and i don't count it cuz i wanna redesign him COMPLETELY (that piece is not even canon, i had to do that for a class so i put stuff in there that doesn't even belong to the type of story it is </3), i've written for the two of them a couple times but im not even sure THAT'S canon anymore
(here's the art in case you don't wanna click on a link)
i think the writing might still be canon tho, i do still kinda like a lot of the stuff it went over with that. N E WAYS.
basically there's this pair of witches (they don't. really have. names. oops. they did but i don't like them anymore) who enlisted and then eventually rose to the top of fighting this war/apocalypse/encroaching disaster that has been ongoing for a LONG time. like, they're at the end of the world but turns out the end of the world is a hell of a lot slower than anyone imagined. they've been fighting it for a long time (and it does involve actual fighting? like i like to think that this apocalypse acts more as like. locust swarm but the bugs are big big buggy boys that hates you hates you hates you and eats the magic out of the world)
and the first (we'll call him A) is the one who rose up in the ranks to be best of the best very quickly, because his kind of magic is very powerful and was critically effective in the fight. and the second guy (we'll call him B) is kind of. worst of the best. SORT OF. he was best of the best because he fought alongside A and B's brand of magic explicitly deals with the bond the two of them shared. (i call it bonds magic cuz i can't think of something better for now) (yes it's power of friendship) (there more to that but whatever) it was IMMENSELY powerful!!! not moreso than A's magic, but still!! very powerful!!! so B rose up because A pulled him up (not entirely true!!! but you get the point. nuance)
BUT THEN. sometime after they had been in the war for a long ass time, A leaves. either from shame, either he's disillusioned, something happened, he won't say. and just kind of. leaves B behind. who still is very much part of the war and won't say anything to sway A's mind because he cares too much about what he thinks
years later, B's still part of the war/doom effort. and magic in the world has kind of deteriorated so much that it's. honestly kind of hard to come across a solid magic user these days. they still teach them and still get people to join the effort, but compared to the older days, it's a lot less. people can learn magic, everyone can, but it's hard to get like. a professional, someone who has unlocked the higher abilities of magic. people like A or B.
speaking of! yeah. B is still part of the war effort. and it's NOW at the period of time where he's the worst of the best, but he's the only one they've got. they still keep him around because who else is there, really, and also he can still utilize the powerful bond magic he made way back when with A, so he's still very powerful but it's just. different. ya know? he's standing in the shadow of just the IDEA of A, and he's not even here anymore. and it's not filled with resentment, never. never resentment. he could never tarnish that. it's only ever love. and looking up to A. it didn't feel like he cast a shadow because to B, to him, he only ever cast light.
but also. A left. left him. alone.
so he's dealing with that in a perfectly reasonable manner (not thinking about it)
meanwhile A has decided to live a pastoral life away from the apocalypse and is totally not repressing his issues either. <3.
and like!!! the council or whatever that's in charge of all the witches is like "hey. B. you know your way cooler friend? you still keep in touch right?" and sends him off to go find A again after all these years to bring him back to the war and there's a whole mess of meeting again and having to meet with all the things you left unsaid, and all the everything and OOUAOUGHFF it's a whole mess.
anyways i want to make this a comic but also i kind of need to. yknow. design and draw the comic if i want to make the comic. so like. rage.
#teehee#asks#joyflameball#i think about these guys near constantly#so many themes i want to explore with them#they? probably? die in the end?#i don't know. i haven't written a plot for them#but the love mattered. it mattered because we were here and it existed#that kind of thing ya know?#it's a “it's so hard to love when it's like this but i'll do it anyways. even if it hurts. because it's you. and i would again and again”#crying screaming throwing up#but yeah maybe they'll live maybe they die in the end. i'll find out eventually
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I love ex boyfriend bakugo so much you don't even know
actually i do know because i feel the SAME. my love for ex bakugo is unyielding. endless. forever. and i actually wrote a bunch for him a couple months ago when another anon brought it up but... got scared they'd hate what i had down so i....... put it on the shelf. i'll have to find it maybe... if ppl want.
ANYWAY... like. there is truly just no way to go wrong with him. there is just no universe where he isn't either a depressed, miserable, longing ex or an kind, gentle and regretful one (or some variation of). even when he's angry, it's mostly just at himself for being a douche who managed to lose you, and HOW CAN U NOT LOVE THAT??
it's so ironic bc he's such a prickly pear but... he just loves the hardest out of any + everyone. not that i don't imagine the others and just as caring... but for bakugo, it's almost a religious experience, you know? never a phase or an era or something he just does but a... idek. life commitment? goal? achievement? something to be maintained and treasured? all of the above. EVEN IF he's not that good at it (at first... which is debatable anyway), that's still how he feels.
so when u break up... that can't be the end of things. like really i can only imagine it happening circumstantially, cuz i genuinely think that any issues you bring up with him (aside from work maybe), he'd take BEYOND seriously.
too gruff and private? suddenly he's telling u every single emotion he has and asking if he's being too rough. too anal and uptight? suddenly the kitchen is a mess and he hasn't even noticed. hell, even too busy? he'll do his best to fit a whole evening with u in his schedule (he hates mornings more than anything but takes the ass crack of dawn shift just so u can have dinner together most night)... it's like !!!!!!! + reminds me of that post i made talking about how pro heroes are so hard to breakup with bc even when ur pointing out their flaws, they're so used to constructive criticism, they don't even notice ur being insulting LMFAO😭
that aside tho, i can never imagine a bakugo breakup!au without them... you both back together at some point. even if it's ten or fifteen years later like... he spent all that time trying to get better for u... even if he didn't think you'd really come back. (or, as i was trying to write, you breakup with him and he just... doesn't fucking believe u LMFAOOOOO and shoves his booty back into his rightful place sadjkfhakjdsf)
(and bc i have i-can-fix-him disease, i also like bakugo who went thru a traumatic breakup w/ someone who wasn't u... and then five/ten/fifteen years later, you're the one to teach him to love again. or maybe that's not that unique of me LOL).
#bakugo#anyway#this is a mess im sorry but WAHHHHHHHH ADJKFLHADSHFB. I LOVE U BAKUGO IM UR BIGGEST FAN I NEED U#whenever i read breakup angst i'm like#he broke up WITH U. we get back together <3#and god like. reunification / older dating aus#like i sometimes i dont even imagine the dating i just imagine me telling him all his exes are sh*t (not you but imaginary ppl)#and him being like <3#LOL I'M TOXIC#and also the other ex thing i wrote i didnt like bc it ended up being more story than thought#but it was basically abt like... u know. u break up with him over slight miscommunication#and he doesn't even realize??? he's just like ok were taking a break for a couple days lol.#and then ur like no bakugo we broke up lmfao#and he's like. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh absolutely not and calls u every day talking like ur boyfriend until u. realize#he's serious abt changing#ANYWAYYYYYY SORRY FOR THIS IF ITS NOT WHAT U WANTED BYE#caitie things#gen#anon
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My big problem with the ending is that the story had the characters like. At least a few times discuss how they could totally still be friends even after the adventure was over. And like, I understand there’s a metaphor going on about how your life changes and you don’t stay as close to people as you think you might, but like… it kinda comes in out of nowhere in the last two or three episodes. And on top of that, Anne losing Sprig ENTIRELY and then the dialogue implying she, Sasha and Marcy all drifted apart until that reunion just felt overly sad. Puts a lot more ‘bitter’ than sweet in that bittersweet ending than they meant to, I think.
this is gonna be a long answer so sit tight lol.
disclaimer: I LOVE AMPHIBIA OK? my criticism means i care and i am passionate!! maybe too much, but hey, who's doing the math am i right.
ok i absolutely agree with EVERYTHING u say. i think everyone who disliked the ending is in the same page tbh, we all agree on the same stuff.
what u said about mostly bitter than sweet is EXACTLY what i keep saying. like...i do not see the sweet ANYWHERE in that ending. the "sweet" is the girls finally making it home, yet we dont get to see that. we dont even see anne hugging her parents again or anything, and dont get me started on the marcy and sasha's parents thing (ok i will briefly: refusing to give us anything about them just cuz "you wanna leave it up to interpretation" is bullshit. ur writing a story. commit. not showing us sasha and marcy's home lives and families means youre not showing us ANY signs of us rooting for them to go back home, we aren't attached to the idea of it as opposed to sasha's bond with grime and marcy's love for amphibia. it is lousy)
like, people keep telling me im missing the point of an ending that was obvious since episode one and i just disagree so much. where in the world of episode 1 did we see that anne was going to fight the moon, die, meet god and be offered to become god? what the fuck. i keep saying this ending could only work if the stakes weren't so high and the girls didn't spend as much time in amphibia. for anne to separate from the plantars permanently just because "people in life come and go and it hurts but oh well thats life" is so... devastating. like, imagine not being able to see or talk to your family EVER again. because hey thats what lifes like.
"but vinnie they'll obviously see each other again!!!" if u keep saying this, then u just disliked the ending as much as i did and ur in denial lmao. we can make all the hcs we want, they can add all the fix-it they want to marcy's journal (context: matt braly implied marcy's journal could include terri and mr x giving the girls "a surprise" in the timeskip) but yknow the damage is done. the ending is there and it tells you that the plantars and anne say goodbye forever and thats how it is. at least accept it.
"its been set up since ep 1" i completely disagree. season 1 in its entirety is about anne learning to love wartwood. sure it makes sense if u just watch ep 1 because anne is desperate to get home but um, the point is that anne comes to love wartwood and its people and becomes a part of the plantar family. how is that ending an ep1 set up? well, wheres the WHOLE SHOW set up? it makes no sense.
and even for the trio, i understand the growing apart thing but man, after what they went through wouldnt they be bonded for life, having been the only ones to have ever experienced this same trauma, and be closer than ever? especially with the portal permanently gone. id totally be behind it if the portal was open, cuz anne sasha and marcy choose their new amphibian friends over each other to spend time with and eventually come together again as teens, but still close all together bc i cant stress it enough. you dont just grow apart from someone u fought the moon with.
amphibia was already their time apart yknow. again, if the stakes were lower id get it and it'd work. but u cannot have these 3 go through all they did and then try to apply a Down To Earth realistic ending. i dont get it.
like, ur telling me marcy had to move away and she did it happily after being stabbed, comatosed, posessed, etc? sasha and anne stop talking in hs after anne had held onto sasha's arm for dear life before she lets go to her possible death, after they both leaded a fucking army together for a WAR AT 13 YEARS OLD? they just...move on? with a smile? sure it works if you say it does. but if you look it from a writing perspective its just weird, incomplete, lousy. no drama.
everything happens and we dont talk about it. everyone's just freaking happy ig.
i could excuse the sashannarcy separation though but that along with the goodbye forever to amphibia are TERRIBLE combinations. like sasha anne and marcy close this book and open a new one, and how on earth are they even able to do that after everything they we through???
sure im happy theyre happy. it could be that simple. but to me its not. to me this ending ruins the entire show lmao. if u were gonna go for this ending then dont write such an epic story bro lol.
and for the "YOU JUST WANT A STVFOE ENDING/WHAT, IS ANNE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE HER PARENTS EVER AGAIN?" gang: shut up dingus. no one talked about mixing both worlds or keep anne just in amphibia. thatd be just as bad. they should just have a way to access amphibia whenever they wanted, they met GOD. they literally had any excuse to make this work.
"but thatd be unrealistic" oh so sorry if i dont mind the story about 3 humans landing in a world of frog people, getting superpowers, leading an army, fighting a war, fighting an evil king and posession and the moon, doesn't have a completely realistic ending
"it would be too good to be true" so u agree. u agree the ending wasnt good.
what i would've done to make this ending Work, i would've added 3 simple things.
1. anne is a whole lot more broken up over saying goodbye to amphibia forever. shes not that calm about it. she's upset and thinks its unfair.
2. we get to see anne reunite with her parents back home
3. in the 10 year timeskip, we get an open ended situation with the trio opening a portal and its up to interpretation if this is the first time theyve done it or not.
thats it. i still wouldnt be a fan, i think anne deserves to grow up being able to see her family, but i think if they wanted that ending that badly they shouldve at least added those things. idk.
BASICALLY: i get what they were trying to do. it just does not work with the kind of epic high stakes story they've decided to write.
#new ask tag#pleeeeaaaase avoid sending me shit anom hate over my opinions#i got plenty of those ive heard ur arguments over a thousand times#u liked the ending? good for you buddy. dont have a gold star to give u tho sorry#the prize is minding ur business and leaving me alone in my hater sandbox#the hardest thing spoilers#amphibia finale spoilers#amphibia finale hater sandbox
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ok id didn't have any coherent thought either just. jfa is such a game yknow. so many complicated emotions just underneath the surface... and they're so strong too. they control the flow of the narrative even. i'm gonna try my best to put some of phoenix and franziska into words (and fail miserably)
after edgeworth chose death... they were both "betrayed" by him (recall the poisoning and betrayal line). they're just... they're both in court to prove a point to themself. they're both trying to get closure.
and they very clearly both look down on each other. phoenix is just very aggressive in jfa in general... but something that makes me feel some way is the way they both criticize each other for running from their past
phoenix thinks she's running from the fact that her father is dead and franziska thinks he's running from edgeworth's "death" (and they're not wrong... although one is more obvious than the other)
i think it boils down to what point they're trying to prove to themself... and idk how much this goes into speculation territory cuz i'm not exactly coherent rn sorry
with franziska i'm pretty sure she's trying to convince herself that she's worthy of being a von karma/a prosecutor by being perfect aka winning against phoenix wright. the ending of jfa is evidence
with phoenix though... a running theme of jfa is suspicion. in the first case phoenix is so skeptical about maggey (yeah he's lost his memories but still) and in the second one yeah he will always defend maya, but mia had to give him that final puch to believe in her fully. big top is just... idk how to interpret that cuz i didnt trust anyone in that case while playing it. farewell my turnabout? speaks for itself
and maya's case being the first one he took on after edgeworth choose death (im pretty sure) even the gap between aa1-4 and aa1-5 says a lot
what im saying is... i think he was trying to prove to himself that there was a point in being a defence attorney even though the guy he became a defense attorney for was dead. and that the point was to "defend those who had no one on their side/innocent people" like maya. having said that... the last case suddenly looks kinda different
a lot of people tend to ignore that a significant part of his crisis in the last case was him having to defend someone guilty. he WAS having a crisis on what the point of being a defense attorney was (edgeworth wasnt just ignoring the main issue he was addressing another one) cuz he'd spent the first half of the game telling himself it was something that was crumbling down around him
i think if he had been in franziska's place in jfa, by which i mean that if he had lost those two cases against her, he would have lost faith in himself as a defense attorney like she did. which is what i mean. theyre so similar, it's just that one of them won and the other one lost
also jfa is a good game
(i know this is long but i would love to hear your thoughts even if theyre really just in general. i need to organise my brain.)
anon i'm so sorry it took me this long to answer you asks. in my defense i was reading umineko and couldn't think about any characters from outside that universe
but yeah, i still very much agree with a lot of points?? phoenix and franziska aren't really obvious mirrors of each other like edgeworth and gant or franziska and adrian but they do still share some similarities and end up teaching each other huge lessons. I really need to talk about the significance of phoenix giving edgeworth the whip by the end of aa2-4 in a separate post, but other than that, some things i can point out are:
- anger as a coping mechanism and a method to keep going, in both cases directed outward when in fact they are more angry at themselves
- expanding on the point you made about phoenix trying to understand how to be a defense attorney and franziska finding her way as a prosecutor - edgeworth coming back does end up teaching a lesson to both of them
- they both have a very... wrong understanding of each other. phoenix immediately assumes franziska is there to get revenge for manfred and franziska villianizes phoenix for the completely wrong thing too
- also they kind of get angry at each other as a substitute for getting angry at edgeworth?? phoenix loooves to win against the prideful von karma child and franziska loves to whip the man who's the reason her father is in prison. you know
- ugh it's mainly about the whip and i don't want to talk about the whip without relaying aa2-4 first. no one say anything about the whip i will say it myself later pls
also the dynamic they have in aa3 is like balm for my soul. top ten things that heal you
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Okay so I have t/m/a on the brain and I'm curious: Which of the Fears would each of your OCs serve and/or which would they be most afraid of? Feel free to say why, too, if you have the energy because I would LOVE to know
OK HERE WE GO, this is probably going to be long and rambling so I'll do a cut so people not into TMA dont have a wall of text on their dash XD
also if people have their own insights let me know!
Gabriel - I feel Fessor would be very much drawn to the Lonely given his childhood, who he grew up being different, his issues with his father. I think he'd both serve and fear it, like the Lonely would totally try seeking him out. He doesn't have many friends at Davenport and even his time with Michael he was seen as his "odd boyfriend". I know the Lonely is an anecdote for depression and I bet espc after Michael broke his heart, Gabriel would have either been consumed by it or become an Avatar had Liam not been there. Eye would be another, he's definitely marked by it being a professor, a bookworm and loves learning but Lonely in the end would beat it out.
Liam - He'd totally serve the Vast. As close to agoraphobic as he is, his issue is mostly with people, he likes being outside by himself (or with Gabriel) with no one around, he loves the water. I mean he's also my own projection and I serve the Vast XD But yeah wide open spaces are for him, plus he does like roller coasters! So he'd fear the Buried but not in a normal claustrophobic way, he hate being crushed by people around him, being put in social situations he can't escape. That kind of buried feeling. Also Corruption a bit only cuz Liam is a clean freak. It's something I could see begin to push him in obsession if it wanted to consume him. Let's also throw End in here given how much his dad's death affected him.
Aiden - I think they're very Web. Not saying he's a manipulator but they like being in control, being the center of attention. She can work a room like no one else. Aiden wants all eyes on them and everyone eating out of their palm. So yeah Web XD Would totally fear the Corruption, mostly the dirt/disgust side, I mean he has an image to uphold, no messy runways, no dirt or grime! He's obv not a clean freak but image is very important and anything to spoil that they wouldn't like.
Barrett- Given he's a lawyer, probably would serve the Eye, since lawyers generally need to know a lot of information and just being able to "know" it would save a lot of time XD. God I'm not sure what'd he'd fear cuz I'm nearly positive once in an ask I said what his fears was/were and I can't find it so I dont know if I imagined it or not XD For the sake of this I'd probably say Web (which is funny considering Aiden) because it is a loss of control and he's my type A, workaholic so loosing control of something would be a fear of his, being manipulated, etc. So weird that I picked those for Aiden and Barrett XD
Colin - my germaphobe totally fears the Corruption XD I mean do I have explain why? He's got an immune system worse then Gabriel and Ambrose's, has a cleaning service, boxes of tissues everywhere and rules for River to adhere too XD He's not gonna do well around anything dirty or illness spreading. As for serve, as a joke since he's a food critic Id say Flesh but lets not go there XD Honestly for Colin I cant really think of one he'd outright serve, I think he'd be consumed than serve.
River - ok this is a toughy.... possibly Eye cause he likes to read and gain knowledge but not enough where he'd be compelled to do it. God maybe River would be like Smirke and Leitner who dance around the Fears but never is taken by one XD Or he's Joshua Gillespie and just doesn't notice. Yes I like that for him XD
Noll - HA oh man, this one is gonna be fun. Alcohol is his crutch so he's very Web, he needs that control over him. MAG 172 with Francis is like the perfect example of Noll. Except he doesn't try to do better. He'd definitely serve it as long as it provided him bourbon. A healthy pairing of serving and fear. Also he'd probably fear the Spiral, only cuz so much has happened to him and epsc when you're drunk you can't always trust what you see. Lonely fits in there too and Stranger, he's definitely marked by it. He's several fears in jeans and a tshirt XD
Ren - He 100% fears the Desolation. I mean a fire burned down his family's gallery and permanently damaged his lungs. He has a very healthy fear of fire and who can blame him? Honestly next to Colin his fear was probably the easiest to determine. As for serving, I'd say either Eye or Web. He's smart, quite manipulative (good god is this a theme in my OCs???), wants to impress the right people, definitely doesn't want his secrets known to others. Eye and Web can fight over him.
#kaze answers#ghostlychill#wow that was a lot but man it was fun!#t/m/a#info on my ocs#I guess#mostly tagging it so I can find it when needed
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I'm gonna rant for a moment cuz I'm not feeling hip atm I just had a discussion with my friends and I feel like shit. Putting it under the cut
I hate having discussions with my friends about series. It's probably the only way to make me feel uncomfortable in a friend group. /vneg
My irl friends like series I don't personally like (She-Ra, Hazbin Hotel, Steven Universe etc) and we started the discussion because we were laughing about the second season of Velma Show because it's so fucking shitty that is funny. And I know they were joking in a lighthearted way, but I felt genuinely invalidated by their words. Them saying how I don't have taste, how I am too critical about things and I should just "live and let live" and "start enjoying things a little". But like, OBJECTIVELY it's fucking impossible for me to enjoy something that is written SO POORLY. It makes the experience so uncomfortable and just not impactful as they said it is. I LOVE world building, I LOVE character development. And it just makes me so mad how in media that is just... so easily done so poorly like DELIBERATELY so. It's like people are just starting the idea without actually discussing about what that idea will become in the long run. Just thinking about the present and ending up doing everything all in once 50% because of corporations being shitty and stupidly strict, the other 50% because of the creators actually not taking seriously how world and character development is important to a story! But nooo no one cares everything is justified because "X series is so popular and loved by the mass and if you disagree you're an awful stupid shit awful person to be around that doesn't enjoy life and it's just a hater whth no reason"
Maybe I am too critical? Am I really that mean? I feel fucking awful now I'm just. So uncomfortable in my own fucking friend group.
Like, I hate these discussions so much because it literally turns into "You HATE this thing?? For valid reasons that come from actual objective criticism??? YOUR OPINION IS SO BORING HOW COULD YOU HATE THIS THING YOU CAN TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU WANT BUT I DON'T CARE IT'S MADE SO GOOD CAN'T YOU SEE HOW GOOD IT IS???? SEE?? SEE???"
It literally fucking becomes a war no matter what because it's you alone against the mass of fans that love the series internationally
I DON'T MEAN THAT WHOEVER LIKES THESE SERIES IS A SHITTY PERSON AND SHOULD DIE, I'm just saying that all I wish for is to be able to have a normal conversation without being stepped onto for putting out genuine criticism on the table. The fact that I'm GENUINELY SCARED to state my opinion on something is NOT NORMAL! Like seriously! I'm genuinely fucking scared to talk or even be around people talking about these series or topics because talking to fans about their favorite series is impossible!
Yes! You're right! [insert series here] has done some good things! It's pretty visually, has pretty music, maybe it has been the first series to bring some specific themes in TV! But that doesn't change my opinion nor motivations as to why I don't like it! Stop telling me that I cannot hate [insert series here] because your experience has been different or because the majority agrees with you. That's not how it should fucking work.
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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.
Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.
Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.
Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)
I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.
It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.
Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.
So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.
Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.
I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.
So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.
I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.
I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.
Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.
I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.
When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.
I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.
Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.
I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.
That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.
I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.
I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.
Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰
#here's the novel no one asked for#personal#chris#idk what else to tag#i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol#my overthinking strikes again#even in the tags#whomp whomp
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UPDATE: I realized recently that so many of my characters have purple shadow fog/smoke power visuals, which was kind of repetitive, so I'm now changing the color for some of these characters. Hanma's shadow smoke is now bluish instead of purple.
The parents of Kouka & Kuromoya, they're both shorter than their kids, given those two are both around 200 cm tall lol. They also don't look that old cuz both are beings that don't age like humans/I struggle making characters look old OTL
More info below: (unfinished, I'm still not entirely sure about the story with Hanma's family, its just some rough bits and pieces. Also no name for his little sister/Kiryo's mum yet)
Name meanings:
Rikka's name means "snow," and Hanma tends to write his name in two different ways; either so it translates to "Squad demon," or "Judgment demon," depending on the context of the situation.
(The OG version of his name is the first one, the second meaning actually comes from the moment he fought his family to save his baby sis and Rikka, where he called himself "the judgment demon" because he's a dramatic bitch)
Age:
They're both around 150 years old in human years. Rikka is considered to be in her late forties/early fifties among Kitsune, and Hanma's body is roughly equivalent to someone in their fifties as well.
(Murasaki family members aging speed/how long they live varies between individuals, which is common for elemental soul eaters.)
Powers:
Rikka has your typical kitsune abilities from fox fire to being able to shapeshift into a fox, creating illusions and possession. Rikka specifically uses her possession ability on inanimate objects for information gathering purposes, or to send messages to people.
She's also an excellent swordswoman, able to cut stone and metal, and even fire. She's also a good mentoring figure and as patient teacher.
Hanma can control shadows, his primary ability being forming arms or humanoid "soldiers" from it as an offensive ability. These soldiers typically share his inhuman physical strength and are capable of tearing people apart with their bare hands. His shadows can change consistency from mist/smoke to a more solid substance, and aren't vulnerable to most other elements, apart from sacred light.
He can also pull people's souls out of their bodies/see into them as a Soul Eater. He's learned how to use a sword too thanks to his wife, and is fairly skilled though not on the same level as her.
Personality:
Rikka is a calm, gentle individual who is very patient with people, willing to see other's perspective. This does not mean however that she's a pushover, and just because she might understand, it does not mean she agrees.
She is more than willing to put her foot down to defend what she believes is right, and call out one's wrongdoing, even at the expense of her own safety. She's good at reading people, which enabled her to become close with the seemingly arrogant and kind of antisocial Hanma; lot of his behavior stemmed from need to prove himself to his overbearing parents, who expected so much from their eldest.
Being bit of an optimist, Rikka wants to believe there is good in absolutely everybody, but also acknowledges that sometimes that can be impossible to reach within a person.
Hanma tends to come off very quiet, kind of aloof and dismissive individual, who's also quite arrogant. This was true for the majority of his youth, but nowadays he's learned some humility and is able to laugh at his own mishaps and mistakes, as well as take people's criticism a bit better.
He's very fiercely protective and caring towards his loved ones, and they tend to be the only ones whose opinion truly matters to him. He can be kind of curt and rude to people outside this specific select group.
While he's no longer a smug asshole, Hanma is still kind of impatient and can get easily annoyed by someone's incompetence. He tries to be patient with children, though.
Family Details:
Their kids ended up reminding Rikka more than Hanma, which he's actually thankful of, because he's 'kind of a terrible person' as he sometimes puts it.
Rikka taught her daughter how to swordfight as well, Kuromoya was less interested because he prefers more "hands on" combat as he calls it.
Rikka's family were generally known among the kitsune and spirit folk as exceptionally good fighters, often hired and serving as bodyguards for important people, or guardians for sacred places.
Rikka was assigned to be Hanma's sister's bodyguard by the family in fact, which led to their friendship and her eventually meeting Hanma and becoming close with him overtime.
Hanma's nicknames for Kouka and Kuromoya are "little fox cub" and "little shadow cub." (He does sometimes call Kuromoya a brat too though, namely because he is one lol)
Hanma is sometimes called "Grandpa Kitseru" by his kids adoptive son Yago in reference to his pipe. Yago calls Rikka Grandma Kitsune, naturally
Hanma actively tried to make sure Kuromoya wouldn't make the same mistakes he did when younger, once noticing the boy had inherited some of his more unpleasant personality traits. He mostly succeeded (with help from Rikka and Kouka of course)
Hanma was locked away as a prisoner by his own family at one point, due to basically doing his own thing and solving issues they had with murder. (specifically unauthorized murder, his family was okay with murder, just not him doing it without permission)
He later ends up killing them for trying to kill his baby sister and Rikka. The sister because she was seen as "too weak and useless" to be part of the family, and Rikka because she tried to protect her.
Th only reason the family had a dojo was for financial benefit/to discover strong souls to devour. None of them thought highly of using weapons, and being sent there to manage it was seen as punishment (except by Hanma's little sister who enjoyed being there)
Notable friends/Staff:
Erena: A Head priestess of a healing water temple they occasionally visit
Ayame: A snow woman living in the small mountain area their kids' run bathhouse is close of, Hanma saw her 'human death' while visiting Jade Town area, though he never brings it up openly, given his reasoning for sparing her soul and thus allowing it to transform into a snow woman wasn't that merciful.
Kiyoi: honorary adoptive child, a nature magic wielding witch boy they mentor
Yoruga: A moth spirit that works as a messenger for the staff
Yume: A shadow witch/young mother to whom Rikka helps to the best of her abilities as the more experienced one
EXTRA FACTS:
Rikka's aura color is yellow, whereas Hanma's powers have a bluish hue. This is why their kids' auras are green.
Hanma sometimes smacks/taps people with his pipe when he's annoyed with them. The only people he doesn't do this with even if irritated is his wife and daughter
Rikka's food preferences somewhat reflect her being a fox spirit; rabbit, duck, frog legs: her favorite berries are carrion berries too. She does eat other things, but these are her favorites.
Hanma doesn't eat human food that much as he's nourished by souls mostly, but does prefer vegetarian food/fish
Hanma basically taught his kids, that its okay to kill people if they're bad ones, which eventually sort of led them into doing the whole set-up with their bathhouse.
Rikka doesn't fully agree with this set-up, but understands her kids have to devour souls at some point, as they do need it to nourish themselves. She accepts this as long as her kids vet their targets properly and don't harm innocents/cases that might not deserve it.
You can tell how much Hanma loves his family just from the way he tends to look at his wife and kids; its typically the softest his face will ever be.
Rikka has tried to teach Yago some sword-fighting skills too, though so far he's kind of clumsy with long sharp pointy things.
If Kuromoya didn't have vitiligo, his skintone would be fully dark like his father's.
Rikka's main sword that she can summon has a green and gold handle with a swirly pattern on it. It is called "Kazeheki" which rougly translates to wind-piercer. In her dojo/while training she of course only uses wooden swords.
While Rikka is also a white looking fox, she is not an Arctic type like Taiga (another character in this story) and the main difference between the types comes mainly from their elemental power. Arctic kitsunes use ice and wind instead of fire/have those elements on top of fox fire.
Hanma despised most of his birth family, minus his baby sister he was always protective over. In a way this tendency was inherited by Kuromoya, who's also equally protective of Kouka.
The burn on Hanma's arm is from the time he had to save Rikka and his baby sister; he actually did it purely by using the swordsman skills he learned from Rikka/his baby sister who was also pretty good at it, as his powers were sealed away at the time.
This was an ironic twist, given the family used to look down on using weaponry at all (which was the source of his arrogance towards using swords in the first place)
Hanma sometimes smacks/taps people with his pipe when he's annoyed with them. The only people he doesn't do this with even if irritated is his wife and daughter
Rikka's food preferences somewhat reflect her being a fox spirit; rabbit, duck, frog legs: her favorite berries are carrion berries too. She does eat other things, but these are her favorites.
Hanma doesn't eat human food that much as he's nourished by souls mostly, but does prefer vegetarian food/fish
Hanma basically taught his kids, that its okay to kill people if they're bad ones, which eventually sort of led them into doing the whole set-up with their bathhouse.
Rikka doesn't fully agree with this set-up, but understands her kids have to devour souls at some point, as they do need it to nourish themselves. She accepts this as long as her kids vet their targets properly and don't harm innocents/cases that might not deserve it.
You can tell how much Hanma loves his family just from the way he tends to look at his wife and kids; its typically the softest his face will ever be.
Rikka has tried to teach Yago some sword-fighting skills too, though so far he's kind of clumsy with long sharp pointy things.
If Kuromoya didn't have vitiligo, his skintone would be fully dark like his father's.
Rikka's main sword that she can summon has a green and gold handle with a swirly pattern on it. It is called "Kazeheki" which rougly translates to wind-piercer. In her dojo/while training she of course only uses wooden swords.
While Rikka is also a white looking fox, she is not an Arctic type like Taiga (another character in this story) and the main difference between the types comes mainly from their elemental power. Arctic kitsunes use ice and wind instead of fire/have those elements on top of fox fire.
Hanma despised most of his birth family, minus his baby sister he was always protective over. In a way this tendency was inherited by Kuromoya, who's also equally protective of Kouka.
The burn on Hanma's arm is from the time he had to save Rikka and his baby sister; he actually did it purely by using the swordsman skills he learned from Rikka/his baby sister who was also pretty good at it, as his powers were sealed away at the time.
This was an ironic twist, given the family used to look down on using weaponry at all (which was the source of his arrogance towards using swords in the first place)
#artists on tumblr#oc reference#character reference#digital art#lumi’s chaotic creations#lumi's chaotic creations#lumi’s art scribbles#lumi's art scribbles#Telepaths#Murasaki family#Rikka Murasaki#Hanma Murasaki#manga#anime#my ocs#kureshima bathhouse
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