#i dont really feel important to anybody except my mom
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#sighhhh#my birthday was kinda just#another day#its not about presents but#the only one i got was a gift card from my roomie and i had to spend it on cigs in order not to#bite my brothers head off when i helped him move in#just reminds me that he wouldnt help me out with that if i needed it#and that were not as close as we used to be#all in one#sighhhhhhhh#i might have been forgetting my meds more often too#that would explain why the sad is so deep in my chest rn#it just like#it feels like i dont have a best friend#i dont really feel important to anybody except my mom#and my brothers sometimes#but theyre also selfish dicks sometimes#one a those 'would die if i could but it would make my mom sad :<' nights i guess
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So I think we’re all aware that in the EAH world theres a clear hierarchy on whos role is more important within those who are destined to be protagonists or heroes. Like I know Apple mentions somewhere in the Shannon Hale series that Milton Grimn considers all roles equally as important but its so obvious that the man plays favorites, and he plays them HARD. It’s literally mentioned multiple times that the Snow White story is the greatest, most important story in Fairytale history, and ESPECIALLY the Snow White Legacy. It’s implied that the legacies/roles of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella are also up there in terms of importance, to the point where I just headcanon them as “the big 3” of this hierarchy. But overall in terms of rankings, it seems like those who are born into royalty are the ones who rank the highest while commoners are ranked on the lower scale. Again keep in mind that this is just counting non-villainous destinies. Which brings me to my next point.
Like I just mentioned theres an obvious ranking on whos the most beloved Protagonist/Hero in the fairytale world, but there also seems to be a major hierarchy on whos the most feared/respected villain, and yet nobody seems to talk about that. Like obviously the Evil Queen is at the top there, I mean come on, people literally cower in fear at the mention of her name even tho shes locked in a mirror prison. But even so in Faybelle’s diary its implied that the Dark Fairy is second to the Evil Queen on this ranking of the most malicious and feared villains, and I’m not questioning it because to me, theres more than enough evidence to back it up in “Fairy’s got talent”. I mean, at one point we get a flashback into Faybelle’s childhood and in one scene where she’s walking around town with her mom, and everyone nearby are bows their heads, and when she and Faybelle walk into the tailoring shop, the tailor legit sounds so freaking terrified the whole time while in the Dark Fairy’s presence. Everyone with the exception of her villian comrades, fear her, and so they talk to her with the utmost respect, because not only is she the most powerful fairy in the land, but also god forbid ANYONE angers her even slightly cause we ALL know what happens when her wrath is invoked. So it makes total sense that only the Evil Queen beats her out in this ranking on whos the most feared.
Now I don’t really know where the Candy witch would stand here, because in EAH she doesn’t ACTUALLY eat children, and we learn that thats just a rumor. So shes feared, but people don’t actually have a true reason to fear her like they do with the Evil Queen and the Dark Fairy. As for the Big Bad Wolf, I feel like he’d place way lower on the list cause like….if Milton Grimn trusts him enough to be around the students as a teacher, then he cant be THAT feared. Look, I get he didn’t actually follow his destiny but obviously most people dont know that, so my assumption is that they most likely take him as the “I just followed my destiny cause I was supposed to, but now I’m just trying to live my life in peace without bothering anybody” kind of man. And look, I’m not trying to say that he doesn’t scare anybody, I mean he IS widely known as a villain after all, and a pretty strict teacher at that, but he doesn’t go out looking to do more harm than he’s asked to. The same thing goes for the Step Librarians. But with them, I’d actually say that they’d go even lower on the list, cause unlike Mr Badwolf, they don’t really pose as big of a threat outside of their story.
Overall, I find it interesting and rather appropriate that theres a hierarchy for which villain is most dangerous, be it for their abilities, motives, and how much of a threat they truly impose outside of their stories.
#ever after high#eah#eah headcanons#eah villains#eah parents#i’m simply convinced#that there’s more than one hierarchy system in the universe
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my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b
ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.
I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES
Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.
Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something.
GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.
Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.
Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”
Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.
Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this:
But yeah thats cool
The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving.
This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.
But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.
Predictions/hopes for the next part:
I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.
A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se they died so soon
More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo
More info regarding Meister
Sara going on Maury
Who tf is “Hinako”????
I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.
Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???
I want things to actually change depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.
#3 1b spoilers#yttd#yttd spoilers#q taro burgerberg#sara chidouin#ranmaru kageyama#joe tazuna#gin ibushi#kai satou#keiji shinogi#alice yabusame#reko yabusame#shin tsukimi#midori yttd#kanna kizuchi#greenblings#sou hiyori#mai tsurugi
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A Day of Curation
Unless its Wednesday, it should be around 11am right now when i get up. First things first, put in my headphones and go get some good music! Its Monday - time to listen to my Discover Weekly playlist, which Spotify usually tailors perfectly to my tastes.
1. 🎶 SPOTIFY 🎶
Fun fact - this weeks "Discover Weekly" suggs. Usually I get the best music from there. I don't really recall the last time any of my friends really showed a song I didn't already know or was adequately good.
Tho, I have to give Amelie some credit here, she constanly hits me with great Spanish tunes. (Also to Jasi and Safae which hit me up with some dope music from time to time)
I mostly get inspiration from (sad to say but its true) tik tok or by randomly shazaming the world. I also really hate to limit myslfe to music i understand. On the contrary I LOVE LOVE LOVE music arround the world. Trust me i hear Tibetian Throat Singing to Russian Electro and even Islandic and Nativ American Tribal Music.
To give you an impression of how important music consumption is for me:
Last Year i spent a total of 210 441 minutes on spotify alone.
That is about 9 Hours a day. The average person uses Spotify for about 18 000 minutes a year. (My friend took the freedom to calculate how much money Spotify "looses" by my consumption.
i pay $30 a year an Spotify gives $0,004891 per stream to the creator. An average of 3 minutes per song (70.000 streams) means spotify pays $342.37 to the creators. Thats $312.37 of deficit LOL)
Apart form that i cant really give Spotify a certain schedule when i listen to it cuz i listen to it all the time. During gaming, during coding, laundry, gym, work, class, before sleep. ✨Always✨
2. 💬 WhatsApp 💬
There is nothing better than sleeping for an eternity while everyone is already awake for probably 4 or more hours, working! *laughs in privileged design student*
Since everyone is already living its live while I still drool, I gotta get up to date in the morning. Before i even leave bed, i checke my messages there.
Similar to Spotify, I use WhatsApp the whole day and can't really tell when I would not use it. Except, my phone is always on silent (casual zennial phone call phobia) meaning i wont notice anything while zoning out or gaming (which usualy is the same).
3. 👨🏫 TEAMS 👩🏫
Yeah Yeah i can already hear it.
"You wake up 5 minutes before class withouth breakfast or anything..." - bla bla bla.
Yeah that is the case! I would usuly go on teams and enter the classroom, while preparing a breakfast (if you can call it breakfast after 12) sit down at my desk and listen to class. Causally everything that is too theoretical with music and whatsapp. Other classes that are interesting I`ll put my full attention to it.
But i hate teams in gerneral. Not cuz its sh**, no, usualy people that do their clases there have a weird way of using it. Finding material or looking up homeworks is such a struggle sometimes. (Props to you Kevin here, I have never seen anybody using teams in such a clean and struktured way than you do. Even tho you dont neccesarily use it as it was meant to be. (which might be the turning point on why its great))
4. 📺 YouTube 📺
Yup YouTube is usually the place to go after (sometimes during (I NEVER SAID THAT!)) class.
Actually, YouTube is the place to go for me. Relaxation, Entertainment, knowledge - anything!
After class I'd usually watch "Cut" or other channels that produce let's plays or entertainment of some sort.
But it's also THE place to go during coding. I rather listen to Lofi or (Slowed, Reverbed) Music that doesnt really distract me. ALSO, during coding watch A SH*TLOAD OF TUTORIALS, cuz I am proud selftaught Zennial. #BestOfBothWorlds
5. 👨🍳 CHEFKOCH 👨🍳
I love to try new things and I constantly stalk the web for new recipes. Lately a lot of Asian and Vegan stuff. Chefkoch is the app to go where i also write down my own recipes to have them with me all the time. Great thing here is, i share this account with all my family members (currently 13, including my mom, aunts, other relatives). Great way to share the secret family recipes at any time!
(Cant recommend the recipe in the img, tho!)
6.🏐 ADDIDAS TRAINING🏐
Unlike all my sporty friends that used to hit the gym before covid and not got lazy, I started to use Training Apps like Addidas Training with its free Workout plans. I use it regularly and am happy i finally found a way to stay sporty.
7. ⌨️ VS CODE ⌨️
Its either Visual Studio Code, where I would code on my current project, or gaming.
As mentioned above, I would get most of the inspiration from tutorials or using dev tools on different platforms.
8. 🎤 DISCORD 🎮
I´ll use Discord as a general term for Gaming since I play a lot but many different games, tho, always use discord to communicate with my freinds while gaming.
A great place to share random BS with friends and talk about anything that comes to my mind. I spent most of the evenings on Discord with my friends. Always did, in fact. Maybe the reason why I don't really feel so affected by the pandemic. I am used to being separated from my friends since they live all over Germany or the world in general. I always enjoy Online Live Events WITH my friends.
For me the web as always been a "with" not an "alone", which is why I never understand why so may struggle with feeling "alone" on live events online. JUST GRAB A FRIEND AND DISCOVER IT ✨TOGETHER✨!
9. 📼 DISNEY+ / NETFLIX 📼
Since I use both the same amount there is not thos or that. I never Really let anybody recommend me anything, cuz ... trust me, I WON'T watch it. IDK why that is, but I need a specific mood for each show. And nobody but myself can provide that. Probably why most ove the algorithms (esp Netflix) do not have an effect on me. I'm not in the mood for your ****, sorry!
Never the less, i periodically Binge a Series and then feel empty after it ended. Then i need some time to face reality again.
Funny tho, I binged Starwars Rebels on Disney+ and after it ended i just decide to buy 4 books on amazon that expand the story to starwars (#nerd i know). I will spend the next few months reading and probably not watching anything on both Streaming services.
10. 🤤 TIKTOK 🌈
...
YUP....
I grew up with vine ... but TikTok got me. And honestly I don't regret it. It's the perfect algorithm that constantly finds the best videos that feed my thirsty queer ass. I mean ...
LOOK AT THE IMG ABOVE.
YES,
give me more....!
Its prolly not good for my digital wellbeing or my mental health but do I care at the moment..? noooooo...
Just give me more of Starwars Parodies, Sleepwalkers, Best off's of streamers, Queer content (cuz its time this heteronormativity world is fed with it! and no i do not indentify as anyting, im just the + at the very far end!) and yeah, even some sexy content if the creator feels good about it.
AND DONT YOU GIVE ME THAT SIDE EYE OF JUDGEMENT HERE - WE ALL THIRST FROM TIME TO TIME!
TOODLES!
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Talking Books With @backlogbooks!
[What is this and how can I participate?]
Important note: I haven’t changed or edited any of the answers. I’ve only formatted the book titles so they were clearer, but nothing else. Because I’m incapable of shutting up, my comments are between brackets and in italics, so you can distinguish them clearly.
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[Image description: a square titled “Know the blogger”. Name & pronouns: Mary Emma, she/her; country: United States; three adjectives to describe her: Lowkey-extroverted, crafty, and sneaky athletic /end]
1. What is a film adaptation you hate of a book you like?
I’m usually pretty flexible with book-to-movie adaptations because I love movies (man i miss going to the movie theater) and i know things have to be changed for the new format—buuuuut i am super bitter about the Percy Jackson movies, because they could’ve been so good! they didnt have the same vibe as the books at all 😔
[My opinions on the PJo movies can be found on my interview of the 6th of January with @auraseeingcoffeebean! But mainly, yes. The films and the books have nothing in common except the characters’ names, which is sad.]
2. Last "impulse" book you ended up liking?
The Lying Game by Ruth Ware!! It was one of those previously-read books in airport bookstores that you can get half off, and I’m apparently a sucker for two things 1. bargains 2. books with “lying” in the title (a while ago i checked out One of Us Is Lying based on title alone lmao idk why im like this).
It’s a really good thriller/suspense/mystery book—sometimes with books that center around characters’ ~mysterious past~ i feel like i get answers either way too quickly or way too slowly, but this author did it just right imo, and i was satisfied by the answers we got. It’s also a book that’s centered around female friendship, which is my jam.
3. Do you use NetGalley or similar websites for reading ARCs?
Nope—I don’t do book reviews much atm (i did more when i started a couple years ago), focusing more on like, smaller posts about specific details of books, or recommendation posts, so I leave the ARC finding-and-reading to bloggers who know how to do more official/detailed reviews. I do own two ARCs but they were both found in used bookstores well after the books had been published lol
4. Paperback, hardcover, ebook or audiobook?
Can i say all of the above 😂
Overall favorite is paperback probably, because i love the way they feel in my hands & i like the way they look when they’re worn from being read a lot (or from being read in the pool since theyre the only kind i can bring in the pool lol).
I’ve also started to love audiobooks—Terry Pratchett’s books & A Series of Unfortunate Events were both especially great as audiobooks imo. Hardbacks are good if it’s a super pretty book that i want to keep in Good Condition. Ebooks are great if i want to get a book from my library, and if i want to read a book super fast—i swear i go thru ebooks 10xs faster than any other format and i dont know why.
[I like all formats except audiobooks, which is mainly because I can’t focus on them... I can barely listen to a podcast episode, much less an audiobook!]
5. Is there anybody that is absolutely spot-on for you when they recommend books?
My mom actually! When she finishes a book she thinks I’ll like she puts it on my shelf for when I come home from college, & she hasn’t steered me wrong yet 😊
[This is so sweet!]
Free space!
And all I’d like to add is that it’s been really fun to get into the booklr community! I followed book blogs for a long time before I actually made my own, & I’m really glad I did because I love talking books with people, and it helped me get back into reading for fun during college, which has helped me not lose my mind while reading academic papers lol
You can follow her at @backlogbooks and on Goodreads.
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Thank you, Mary Emma! This was delightful.
Next interview: Saturday, 6th of February
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After reading your "ultra-long postivity post", now I have kind of a weird feeling because i relate a lot to pretty much everything you said, but i ended up approaching the "not everyone can x" from the opposite side, being the "gifted kid" teachers used to hold everyone to unrealistic standards (that i knew most couldnt achieve in the given timeframes), and now i get frustrated when i dont develop skills immediately, because i have done it before and feel like i should be able to and aaaaaaaaaa
Funny story: when I was a kid my parents had both my sister and I tested for learning and developmental disabilities. This testing included IQ testing.
It identified that we were both “gifted” kids* and that I’m dyslexic.
It totally missed my ADHD, though!
The problem with that is that my parents. Hm.
Okay my parents both grew up in very poor families. VERY poor. And they both wanted to go to college and knew the only way that they could was through scholarships. So they became debaters. They met at a tournament in high school.
Debaters are weird. You need an efficient working memory and strong recall and the ability to think quickly on your feet. Being witty and kind of an asshole are also good traits for debaters. Basically you’ve either gotta be really fuck-off smart to be a competitive debater or you’ve gotta at least *seem* really fuck-off smart.
And my parents were champion debaters at a national level. The Whittier College debate trophy has my mom’s name written directly under Richard goddamn Nixon. My dad was on the USC debate team and competed against Harvard and won. Not only that but he ended up coaching debate for USC and Cal Tech.
So as kids who grew up in extremely poor families and were able to go to college and get middle-class jobs and buy a house because of intellectual ability my parents placed A LOT of importance on intellectual ability.
So that IQ score became a large part of my life.
First we attacked the dyslexia. The approach was basically teaching me a bunch of sight words because sounding out phonics doesn’t work when the letters get screwed up. And because I was *gifted* we did a lot of really BIG sight words.
It took about six months to get me up to speed from “memorizing the pages of a story to match the pictures because I couldn’t read along in class” to “the first book I read on my own was The Hobbit.” I guess that counted as “cured” because that was the last time I got any kind of educational assistance.
At that time I was at a gifted school, a really tiny private school that was also an after-school daycare where we did full-day classes and then did gymnastics and swim from 3-6pm. I also was there over the summer because my parents worked.
So going from “tiny private school where the teacher has you stand up in class to read your failing grade in front of everyone so that she could shame you into performing better” to “fine public school in a suburb wealthy enough to have arts programs” was a major, major change. They did an aptitude test because I was transferring in from a different district and there was much discussion about whether or not to move me directly from the second to the sixth grade.
The district refused, thank fuck.
The public elementary school didn’t *have* a gifted program so it took very little time for me to become the Certified Weird Kid. My third grade teacher had me read aloud to our class for twenty minutes a day. I taught the class the multiplication table.
When it got to be time to go to the junior high school my mom went to a meeting for the school’s gifted kids program. APPARENTLY one of the kid’s dad’s basically said “I don’t understand why you’re wasting school funds on field trips for the stupid kids, the school should spend more of its resources on kids who have a chance of actually meaning something to the world” and my mom decided that while being gifted was important it was less important than making sure I wasn’t exposed to assholes of that caliber on a regular basis.
(thanks mom, I actually do really appreciate that reprieve)
Several teachers pushed me into advanced classes - my math teacher insisted that I take the advanced algebra classes in the seventh and eighth grade.
The GATE kids *WERE* assholes and were extra bonus special assholes to me because math was the only advanced class that I was in. (At my junior high school you had to pick your elective based on what level of classes you were in - to take the GATE classes you HAD to take a music elective; if you took art, drama, shop, or home ec you couldn’t take the smart kid classes. The algebra class was a new, separate addition to the program so *some* of the kids in the “electives for dropouts” program could take algebra. Schools are really fucked up, guys, in case you didn’t know schools are really fucked up and that was BEFORE No Child Left Behind).
I got a C in that algebra class and sat in my room for literally an hour screaming at myself for being such a selfish, distracted idiot that I let myself read my books instead of studying harder for the class. (clearly very healthy, normal twelve-year-old behavior)
When it was time to go to high school my teachers made a united plea to the district to transfer me into honors/IB/AP classes.
The kids in the honors/IB/AP classes continued to be kind of awful to me. I got extremely depressed and basically started doing the lazy-but-brilliant thing of completely ignoring homework or in-class work but performing spectacularly well on tests or essays in the classes that I wasn’t catastrophically failing
I was the only person at the school who got a perfect score on the vocab part of my SAT. I was the only honors kid who hadn’t been in SAT prep classes. There was only one other kid who graduated with the same number of units as I had, we’d outstripped the valedictorian and salutatorian but three classes each. I only applied to one college - I got accepted for painting but my interviewer urged me to move to the writing program and I got accepted for that too.
My financial aid didn’t come through and my dad wasn’t willing to cosign for loans on “an art program at a trade school.”
I got accepted to Pratt Institute on their Writing for Publication track which included an internship with the New York Times for third-year students in the program.
At that point I had a Columbia Scholastic Press award for my work on my high school yearbook.
Let me tell you, the community college that I went to and spent five years variously failing and succeeding at had a fucking *killer* newspaper and magazine when I was there. The local community newspaper that hired me when I was 21 was also much better designed and edited than it had any right to be for the three years I worked there (getting paid a whole eight dollars an hour and sometimes working 20 hours straight to get it in to the printer on time).
When I transferred to the state school I got perfect grades and worked full time and won every contest offered by the school’s English Honors society (which I couldn’t join because I was a transfer student and hadn’t done honors classes my freshman and sophomore years). I started a literary magazine with some friends when I graduated; we published four full issues online before it fell apart.
You know what’s also funny?
Even the food-service job I had to pay my way though the community college I felt terrible about attending was a skills test. I was a barista, so of course for a while I was a competitive barista.
I disappointed my parents a lot. I heard a lot of “we know you’re better than this.” I got told I was too smart to be screwing up this bad. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago but my results from that IQ test got compared to my sister’s and that was the justification for holding me to a higher standard. “You’re measurably brilliant, why aren’t you acting like it?”
Here lies the corpse of a gifted kid. Look on my works ye might and despair.
I am the perfect picture of a twice exceptional gifted kid and the reason I wrote all of this out is to tell you one thing:
“Gifted Kid” is a label that someone applied to you, it has nothing to do with who and what you ARE.
It’s very, very unfair that the adults in your life used you that way. I have an exceptionally terrible memory of being singled out as the only one who passed the first test in my IB World History class; “Why is Alli the only one of all of you who is writing at grade level? You’re supposed to be the smartest kids in the school, why did you all fail?”
That’s awful for the kids around you, that’s awful for you. It doesn’t do anybody any favors if people around you are being informed that you’re setting the curve they’ll be judged against. And it really, really doesn’t do YOU any favors because it doesn’t take long *at all* for your brain to learn that that’s all you’re good for. If you aren’t the best at a thing then what’s the point, you HAVE to be best because they already SAID you were best and if you aren’t then all these other people hate you for setting a standard that even you can’t keep up with.
You end up competing with past versions of yourself and focusing on those things that make the grownups in your life praise you because the grownups in your life has praised you in such a way that it’s turned all the other kids against you.
You know who bullied the fuck out of me? The kids I taught the times tables to, the kids I read to for half an hour a day.
Those kids were MEAN to me but the teacher who told me to read Boxcar Kids to the class after lunch everyday was NICE and she told me not to worry, they were just jealous and I should be proud of my gifts.
“Anon did this in three minutes. What’s taking the rest of you so long?” - what a terrible weight to put on a child. You’re right. Not everyone can do everything.
Fucking hell.
Adults what the everloving shit is wrong with us? Please don’t treat kids like that.
Okay.
Okay.
But here’s the other thing:
If there’s any time in your life that it’s easy to acquire skills with no apparent effort it’s when you’re a child surrounded by a support system that is engaged in making sure that you can acquire those skills.
It took three adults, two dictionaries, and several hours a day to teach me enough sight-words to throw me into “look at baby genius*” territory but from my perspective as a little kid I was just reading cool stories.
I spent four hours a day in the yearbook room and ditched and failed other classes so that I could work on the yearbook. I collected hundreds of magazines to get an eye for layout. But from my perspective as a teenager it was a fun activity that I did with the closest thing I had to friends.
I’m sure that there are some skills that you had a natural aptitude for, some things that came naturally. But I’m also sure that you didn’t learn those skills with no effort, it’s just that now as an adult with a life and other shit going on it takes more effort to learn to do things.
In all likelihood you weren’t a savant who did everything perfectly the first time you tried. It just seems that way because even really smart kids don’t know when they’re bad at things and are mostly being compared against other kids (with the few rare exceptions of music prodigies or math prodigies or those kids who end up in science grad programs at 12 and boy howdy do I think there’s a whole other can of worms when it comes to the way child prodigies* interact with the world).
You wanna know what probably saved my life in the last few years?
That “anti-capitalist love notes” tumblr post.
You are worth more than your productivity.
You are worth more than your productivity.
You are worth more than your productivity.
I was actually kind of offended the first time I saw that post on my dash. “No I’m not,” I thought. “You’re only worth what you can do, everyone knows that. People care about what you do for them.”
And why the hell would I think anything else? That’s what I’d learned for pretty much my whole life.
It took me a really long time to understand that I was wrong. I matter outside of what I can do for people or how well I perform. I matter more than being able to perfectly recite poetry from memory or do calculations on command or sit down at a piano and play a piece I’ve never played by sight-reading it.
And you matter outside of that too. You’re more than your performance, you’re better than being gifted. There are people who love you for the way you make them laugh and how you listen to their stories and for the simple joy of your presence.
It’s nice to be clever, it’s handy in a lot of situations even if it does come with a lot of baggage for some people.
But god damn, it’s important to be kind.
* Personally I have issues with the way that society constructs the concepts of giftedness, genius, and prodigies. There are a lot of “gifted” kids who were the kids who scored in the top 5% of their class in school but there are also gifted kids who were doing high-level math or reading novels as toddlers; there are prodigies who showed an aptitude for music young and who were then schooled in that instrument to the exclusion of all other activities (and I bet there are a fair number of kids who might be considered prodigies if they were trained to play flute for nine hours a day and didn’t have friends but thankfully we don’t *do* that to very many people - side note, ask me my opinion about olympic athletes some time). Words like “genius” and “gifted” are very nearly meaningless and almost *never* accurately reflect skills proficiency or long-term success or are reflected in income or respect. People think that geniuses are hypercompetent robots with their shit together but literally every adult I know with a genius-level IQ is some variety or other of total fucking tire fire.
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I wanna make one thing clear. Nobody killed Jenny Schecter. Nobody. Not even herself.
The L Word was the most sloppily written, most lazily dramatic show, and it never cleaned up any of its undeveloped sub plots that they began once and then suddenly dropped entirely and pretended never happened. I swear to God the writers must have never revised a damn script. And this wasn't the type of thing that you only noticed if you're really hypercritical of shows you watch. Very little in the show happens subtextually. It's not a subtle show. Its on fricking Showtime.
Jenny herself over the course of seasons is an example of how the show would just create drama without reason. In season one she and her boyfriend just moved into west Hollywood next door to a couple of lesbians and through one experience with Marina at a party hosted by some of the neighborhood lesbians, she begins to understand she is really intensely drawn to this woman and her boyfriend is at this point still seemingly necessary to her new life, but he doesn't hold up to her interest in this woman no matter how guilty she feels. This makes sense as a plot point. This is how you begin a show about a bunch of lesbians in proximity to one another. The new girl in the neighborhood wants to ditch her fiance for a woman she just met. And after all this Marina stuff subsides eventually, Jenny is a decently developed character. She has flaws and good traits alike. She's messy but she's passionate. She's a drama queen but she cares about people. For instance, Max? Jenny is the main support system for Max in his transition at first, she's really like the only one enthusiastic for him about the whole thing besides that Scottish guy who does drugs in Kit's restaurant and has a couple of otherwise completely unacknowledged sex scenes with Max that dont develop into anything else and don't matter in the future to the show at all. Again. It's a Showtime show. You get the quality you should expect.
And Max is another great example of a sub plot the writers lose interest in! He's a priority to the show for basically just that one season. Honestly they treat Max like shit and lose all interest in him until they get him pregnant in the last season and even then he's only in like every other episode for a few minutes. That was mean. And so was Jenny. Jenny has like, anti-character development throughout the show which is not normal for writers to do to a protagonist. She goes from Jenny Schecter, aspiring writer and newly out lesbian in a new neighborhood to Jenny Schecter, two faced bitch with princess syndrome. They just start writing her in being obviously mean and wrong. And when Max gets pregnant suddenly she's misgendering him on purpose left and right and to my memory maybe the shittiest person to him about his pregnancy? Except of course for Tom, Jodi's interpreter and the guy who got him pregnant who was all on board for parenting the baby until for no reason he gets up in the middle of the night and leaves Max's room and never comes back. Oh and immediately changes his phone numbers apparently, and I guess cuts off contact with everyone on the show or something. That was also just a sudden, uselessly dramatic thing the show threw in that you didn't want it to, that was not justified other than to fuck over a character in a vulnerable situation, and which isn't even in character of the guy who did the thing.
But anyway. This is all to say that no member of the main cast killed Jenny Schecter. You know why? Because the writers are too fucking lazy and careless to make you want to point the finger at anyone, again, including Jenny herself. They don't give you one particularly good reason why anybody might've done it or how they were possibly tied to it. They don't give you reason to think anybody is more likely to have killed her than someone else. They give you nothing to work with in your mind's eye besides your ability to understand who in the main cast hated Jenny the most already. Jenny up and died for no reason because you aren't properly made to raise an eyebrow at her death. Jenny's death is another undeveloped subplot that the show isn't interested in seriously developing, except it is meant as the dramatic series finale to leave you at the edge of your seat so they want you to think it's *mysterious* except that's actually just a recurring fault of the show. Half assed undeveloped melodramatic subplots that get dropped and written out well before your mind forgets them. Don't let them trick you into thinking this was clever of the writers. It's not. It's so consistent with the headache inducing and lazy writing of the show it's absurd. Nobody killed Jenny Schecter. Mark never recorded Shane and Jenny in their own home. Papi was never falling in love with Kit. Etc etc. Ultimately none of this shit happened because they were unfinished and dropped entirely, and the whole murder mystery of Jenny's death ended up being less important than everyone being interrogated by police and explaining their personal history in the show like it's fascinating when weighed against this sudden death. Alice sighing and explaining "the only person I ever loved as much as Tasha... was Dana 😔" is just the investigation being a substitute for therapy. The murder mystery is an afterthought to the cast's final reflection on their relationships to each other just to stick in your mind after the show ends the way the writers want them to. And then they're like. Oh no but who killed Jenny? Nobody. God killed Jenny. Big Bird killed Jenny. The old rescue dog Jenny adopted to put down and then seduce the vet she took him to came back to life and killed Jenny. I killed Jenny. Your mom killed Jenny. The Joker killed Jenny. No one in the main cast killed Jenny. The writers just want you to think they did enough to make you think one of them did. They didn't.
Now that we've established the absurdity of the l word, why did I watch the entire show? Because I was a senior in high and a newly realized lesbian of course. That was more than 4 years ago now. I finished just before Showtime announced they would be bringing it back. I haven't watched generation q so I can't tell you anything about that. But my confliction for the original show as well as my really weird and intense love for Shane are both documented on this blog. I can't believe watching the l word in senior year and falling way too deeply and all-encompassingly in love with Shane is not a universal or even common experience. What were you guys doing senior year? Haven't you watched the l word?
#i started this show because the women on unsolicited project aka the gay women channel referred to it all the time and said it was hilarious#i thought it was gonna be a sitcom....#some of their opinions stuck out to me and oh boy i do not agree with some of them#the answer to 'who is worse jenny or tina' is not BOTH. okay? don't even fucking. no.#when the fuck did tina adopt an oldass dog just to seduce the vet who puts him down#as elaborate revenge for the vet's girlfriend's negative review of your book like??? what the fuck????#no one is worse than jenny that bitch is fucking ridiculous#in her worst moments tina never pulls any of the nonsense shit jenny does don't even go there#shut up kaily#catharsis#the l word
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For you mom
Okay i was 10, i started to feel something that i cant even tell to anybody. I wasnt enough. Mommy you were the one who i wanted to be, but look i almost forget how to be like you. You never said that “honey im proud of you”. Mom you never ever told me it was great to hug me. If i truly think about it you never even hugged me in real. I never told you anything about my friends. My fav color, my feelings. Never trusted you truly. Times went by and i felt like i almost done everything to be loved. I was 15 when my bestfriend said “i dont care about you anymore” mommy you werent with me when the meaning of my life said he needs to go and he left me alone. I was broken like i never was before. Okay mom i tried to tell you that. I cried every night in my room. My clothes were black but this wasnt the real pain cause i was fucking young to know whats depression is. It was just a game in my head. I was 16 when i found love ( in real it wasnt that kind of love) you werent here to say, honey not as fast it isnt the love of your life. I didnt knew anything about it! I just broke again soon and you werent here.. AGAIN Mom.. so it was hard for me but after years it is too. I am 18 now and i feel i never got anything except clothes and some important stuff from you. It wasnt that i wanted to get. I wanted your love, your words and the hugs you never gave me. Mommy i am in depression now i really know. Everything is hard and i kbow i can smile , i can live my life in a normal way and nobody see that im in a big toruble with my soul.. and yes Mom im 18 and i know my whole life was a fucking depression and i didnt even know that untik this fucking point when i feel yes...
I wanted those fucking “are you OK ?” Calls from you
I wanted those “i am so proud of you”
And those “love u”
And the “ i beleieve in you” too
But Mom i never get anything like this from you. Never felt the real trust in a human
How can i feel even ?
How can i tell this to anybody in this world
Mommy look what you did...
I sorry and i love you but please mom start my life again
I couldnt do it with you.
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For the ask meme: A) 1, 3, 6, 9, 11, 23, B) 2, 11, C) 5, 7, D) 5, E) 1, F) 3, G) 5, H) 1, L) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
This is going to be a thicccccc post y’all. Doing these for Reeve, Lonan, Foster, Harrison, and Darren from FOSTERED, and Clifford from I’M DISAPPOINTED!
PART A:
1. What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…
Reeve: ISFP
Lonan: ISTJ
Foster: INFJ
Harrison: ENFP
Darren: Not sure about this one, probably whatever my mom is (which I believe is ISFJ)
Clifford: INFP
3. Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it?
Reeve:
She has struggled with clinical depression since book two to present times.
She developed PTSD also pretty early on in the series, though it definitely worsened in book four, and is probably at its peak where I’m at in book six.
I also believe she does struggle with borderline personality disorder, though this is a newer discovery, and I’ve definitely been doing a lot of research recently in order to write it respectfully (as I’ve done with the previous disorders).
Reeve is aware of her depression and PTSD, not her BPD, but these all remain untreated
Lonan:
He namely suffers from some form depression that fluctuates a bit
He also suffers from depersonalization/derealization disorder
Lonan’s also struggled with an alcohol problem since book three, and a recent drug problem
I don’t think Lonan is aware concretely of suffering from any of these disorders. He emphasizes seeing things to believe them, so while he understands deep down that he does struggle with these things, he would never admit this to himself, or anyone else. Thus, they would most likely remain untreated.
Foster:
Foster also does suffer from depression as well, though I would push it toward high-functioning.
He feels the effects, but doesn’t say anything about them because he doesn’t put his best interest above everyone else’s. In the future, definitely would be down for therapy
Harrison:
Pretty similar to Foster as well in terms of depression. I think it definitely worsens as he ages, and plateaus when he’s in his mid twenties.
This wasn’t ever something I considered before my own diagnosis, and isn’t something I’ve consciously incorporated, but I have a gut feeling Harrison has bipolar disorder as well
Harrison doesn’t do anything about this currently, but in the spinoff, does look into medication
Darren:
Darren is a relatively new character for me, so I haven’t had as much time with him to ruminate on this, but I definitely think his brother’s death influenced a resurfacing of his childhood depression. :(
Clifford:
Clifford does have social anxiety disorder, and a milder, but persistent depression (probably persistent depressive disorder)
He did have treatment in the past for his depression, in connection with his treatment for his alcohol abuse, but doesn’t continue with it beyond counselling in the actual book
6. Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”
Reeve
She definitely believes her interpretation of events and reality to be correct (even when grandiose) but depending on her mental state, she can very much doubt what’s real and what isn’t.
Lonan
His interpretation is always right even when he’s wrong.
Foster
“It’s possible I misheard you” be Foster’s catch phrase yo
Harrison
Like Lonan, he’s confident in his interpretation of events/reality, but isn’t arrogant about it lol
Darren
He admits he’s wrong sometimes and makes mistakes, so definitely, he questions his interpretation of things and is always open to improve.
Clifford
Clifford doubts himself SO much??? he be like uhhhummmmbutuhhhhhh
9. Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others?
Reeve:
Yes for herself and for others, doesn’t really own up to anything ever
Lonan:
Yes also, doesn’t really own up to anything ever, even more so than Reeve
Foster:
Yes for others, but not for himself. If he’s being mistreated, he oftentimes will try to excuse the other party’s behaviour, but will stand up for himself after a while (tho he’s a hella pushover)
Harrison:
Harrison doesn’t make excuses from himself, or for anybody else, excluding Lonan, lol. Because of his emotional investment, he’ll often try to come up with a reason to excuse Lonan’s (usually very horrible) actions when it comes to the intimacy of their relationship. Tho he stops taking BS really quickly, lol, but Lonan can sometimes be a soft spot (which ain’t cool asshole).
Darren:
Darren is such a good person, lol, he doesn’t excuse himself for his actions, or anyone else’s actions, with Reeve’s being an exception. Pretty similar to Lonan x Harrison.
Clifford:
Clifford does the opposite of excuse his actions. He’s an extreme self-loather, honestly. He also excuses other people’s actions because he’s a pushover like Foster.
11. Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?
Reeve:
No, though this is detrimental at times, because she can lack a lot of empathy at times, in the past I would’ve said yes
Lonan:
No, also is a lil selfish not gonna lie
Foster:
Yes, too much
Harrison:
Also yes too much
Darren:
Extreme yes very too much
Clifford:
Hella yikers way too much
23. Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?
Reeve:
No, but also isn’t confident, or insecure about it
Lonan:
To an extent. He doesn’t want to be the garbage aesthetic (which is my aesthetic and I love but ok) so does iron the living fuck out of his button ups, lol. Is very confident @ the arrogance thooooo
Foster:
Yes, just because he’s suave™. He might be a lil insecure because he’s v sensitive tho lol #chillitwiththeaxe
Harrison:
Yes, because he’s also the suavest. Harrison is actually the garbage/dumpster/garage aesthetic, and I love it. He doesn’t put an extraneous amount of effort into his appearance tho, is just a natural boi. He’s also confident but not arrogant (most of the times lol).
Darren:
A rather normal amount, probably? Isn’t too concerned tho, is confident with who he is as a person
Clifford:
Yes. Very much yes. He’s pretty insecure, and while this doesn’t link back with his appearance, he definitely is conscious of it, and makes sure it doesn’t further add to his accumulated insecurities.
PART B:
2. Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?
Reeve:
Yes, the impatience is real the world works for her yo
Lonan:
Also yes, the world is his bitch hunty, the world ain’t only his oyster, it’s his possession my dude why are we still waiting in this line Harrison it’s been thirty seconds oh my gOd
Foster:
No, lol, patience is a virtue yo
Harrison:
Yes, but not because he’s entitled like Reeve and Lonan, but because he’s pretty impatient and antsy and doesn’t enjoy sitting still
Darren:
No, lol he’s just gonna play candy crush on his phone and be satisfied lol
Clifford:
Yes, after some time. Like, he’ll see a long line and be like *impending doom* but won’t start complaining until like fifteen minutes in
11. Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?
Reeve:
She lets the other person know and will bend the truth so it works in her favour. So ‘I rear-ended someone’ would become ‘someone rear-ended me’.
Lonan:
Lets them know he’s running late and lies about why he’s late to also benefit him. So if he slept in, he’s like ‘My sister had me drive her to an appointment and gave me absolutely no notice, and I’m appalled at her inability to recognize consequences for actions and the importance of respecting time’.
Foster:
Tells the other person he’s running late and is honest about why he’s late, and profusely apologizes.
Harrison:
Lets them know he’s running late and lies but creatively. So I’m running late because I’m hungover is I’m running late because my alarm system literally had a freak out last night and literally every cop in America showed up at my house and turns out one of them is my mother’s cousin’s ex, so we had a long conversation and then I had to fill out paperwork and pay a fine and my morning has been awful? Sounds unbelievable, but he’ll somehow convince you. Or at least you’ll know he’s lying but the charm tho?
Darren:
Says he’s running late and tells the truth about why he’s late, is like sorry buddy tbh I wanted to binge Hell’s Kitchen instead of coming to this corporate meeting and yikers the time slipped away.
Clifford:
Says he’s running late and tries to lie but it’s so pathetic the person he has plans with cancels
PART C:
5. Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?
Reeve:
Her morals are ridiculously situational oml
Lonan:
What morals
Foster:
No, lol, his morals are goddamn iron my bro
Harrison:
I mean if he really wants to spitball that one person who wronged him he ain’t gonna say no ??? Though I mean, Lonan has done a lot of awful shit to him, and he still hasn’t gotten revenge, so I guess he’s not a situational kind of mans.
Darren:
Nopers, he likes his morals to stay where they are
Clifford:
Morals also ain’t moving yo
7. Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort?
Reeve:
No, people don’t change
Lonan:
People never change
Foster:
People can change, but it does take effort (he used to believe it was a natural process and then Reeve and Lonan happened looool)
Harrison:
Ehh. People don’t really change. They can if they really want to, but they’re just going to be the same person but less shitty?
Darren:
I think he’s a little unsure. He wants to believe people can change, but he’s not sure if they actually will because a lot of people just dont have enough self-awareness and drive/willingness to.
Clifford:
People don’t change mom omg just their circumstances and how they react to them agh
PART D:
5. Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?
Reeve:
No. When you’re dead, you’re dead.
Lonan:
Also no, when you’re dead, you’re dead anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool
Foster:
Not really? Maybe he’d like to. I don’t think he’s rooted enough in just humanity that he’d believe only what we see exists, but he’s not like a ghost fanatic, lol. When one haunts him tho he’s got that holy water my boi.
Harrison:
Yes, but jokingly. I think he would be a bit of a provoker to ghosts because he thinks the idea is stupid, but does it for the fun. He’s down for ghost hunting apps, but thinks it’s all a joke. Probably is that person who uses a Ouija board and opens a portal.
Darren:
Also no because he doesn’t really think about it? He believes in the afterlife, and probably heard tons of stories from his grandma, but isn’t a huge believer himself.
Clifford:
I feel like Clifford would only believe in ghosts when he’s home alone and it’s 4AM and there’s a knock on the door, tbh, he scares easily, lol
(v/ sad about this tho im a hella believer in ghosts, where my ghost believer characters at thooooo)
PART E:
1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?
Reeve:
Yeah, I think Reeve is pretty intelligent. She’s able to see the motivations of others and understand them (doesn’t mean she necessarily keeps them in mind with her actions). She’s also pretty good at manipulation because she understands the insecurities and weaknesses of those around her. I dunno if she’d necessarily agree with this, though.
Lonan:
Lonan is v/ intelligent, similarly to Reeve. He is literally the *master of manipulation, knows the motives of others, their weaknesses, and knows exactly how to exploit them to the fullest extent possible. Other than his intelligence being used to ruin the lives of others, lol, he’s also really good with numbers. Highkey actually me self-inserting my love for mental math into my son #noregrets. He would definitely agree with this. He’s smart and he knows it. (Unfortunately) Though for the smartest person in my books, he sure does make the stupidest decisions??
(last week I was shopping with my best friend and calculated a total real quick and she was like “stop being lonan” lol oops)
(lonan is actually an insult now ??)
Foster:
He’s also hella smart, and gets no credit for it? Foster is very much like a teacher, honestly. He’s got that elementary school 10/10 teacher vibe to him. Foster is also really good at math, lol. He’s got an affinity for science outside of my book world, to be honest, loves reading, is down to memorize the periodic table, yo. Foster’s really down to earth so he’d prolly be hella modest about his smarts.
Harrison:
He’s really, really smart, but acts really dumb?? Harrison doesn’t give himself enough credit, to be honest. He doesn’t really focus on his brain, but it’s a sharp one, yo. He would probably disagree with me calling him smart tho.
Darren:
Is like my smartest boy? Darren is very people smart, but he’s also very brain smart, lol. I think he’d be pretty proud about his smarts, and express that, though not arrogantly.
Clifford:
Hates himself so would probably call himself the stupidest shit alive even though he actually isn’t. He just needs some encouragement.
PART F:
3. Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?
Reeve:
No, too claustrophobic for her, would probably burn it down in frustration
Lonan:
No, he would need a five acre extension.
Foster:
Yes! This is so his aesthetic he just wants to live in a tiny house in the woods and never interact with people and be one with nature and make pine needle tea every morning and play Sudoku and write a novel about a young man on his literary adventures in London while sitting in a hammock at golden hour.
Harrison:
No? Maybe he’d find it really fun and a great idea for the first week so he could pretend to be a giant, but I mean, I think he’d hate it after a while. He’d keep bumping into cupboards and drawers and blame it on the size of the house when it’s really actually him.
Darren:
Yuppers, sign him up. Except Darren would be so down for a tiny house built out of an old school bus (like my dream tiny house lolol), and he’d just park up on the beach and have the best life?
Clifford:
I think he would enjoy it for a bit, but I can’t see Clifford sticking it out for very long. :( He likes small spaces as they’re comforting to him but is also claustrophobic? This boy is a walking contradiction tho? (me)
PART G
5. Did they go through any typical phases growing up?
Reeve:
Not really she’s boring lol
Lonan:
Probably a really pathetic emo phase ft. the Haircut before he buzzed off his hair lmaooooo
Foster:
Also so boring, no phases here, probably if I had to choose, the ‘hippie’ phase but it’s not a phase if it’s his life ? He’s like YES with that clay based toothpaste, YES with them green smoothies, #oil pulling? Sign me UPPP.
Harrison:
The swearing phase where every sentence is made of curse words except also not a phase if it’s real doe?? he’s no lie that person who be like: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckyoufuckfuckfuckfuck
Darren:
He probably had a real quick stint of writing bad poetry except he was never angsty enough so it was always like the sun is up / the sky is blue / it’s beautiful / and so are you and tbh can I get a Darren in my life
(not that those lyrics are bad i quite like them)
Clifford:
Clifford will forever be stuck in his emo phase, that’s who he is, man, he’s forever stuck in his edgy emo sad boi phase ok
(me tooooooo)
PART H
1. What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?
*Not setting everything in stone here, just as with real people, there’s totally room to change, this is just what I’m thinking as of now, tho I haven’t traditionally characterized any of these guys, so they change every day lol! I always learn new things about my characters (which I try to share) so that’s my disclaimer!
Reeve:
So I did write her hetero for both, but I’m not actually super sure anymore? She maybe could be bi?
Lonan:
Aha, Lonannnnnnn. So this is going to connect with my answer for Harrison later on, but I’m also not sure on both sides ? I used to be pretty set that he was both heterosexual and heteroromantic, but I’m leaning probably toward bisexual x biromantic, though I’m not sure if these particular labels fit him. All I know is Lonan likes Harrison (and Harrison likes Lonan lol), tho navigating his head when it comes to this has been a bit confusing (which I get), so I don’t have a set answer to be honest.
Foster:
He is both heteroromantic and heterosexual
Harrison:
Ahhha, so. I’m also a lil confused when it comes to Harrison too, which is something I’ve been meaning to discuss on here for a bit! I recently mentioned he is bi, not sure if that’s still set? I’ve been trying to navigate whether or not he likes women both sexually and romantically, just sexually, just romantically, etc?? We’ve established Harrison is in love af with Lonan, and is attracted af to him, just ahhhh my brain has been all over the place with Ris. I’m like, not sure if he’s bi, or gay or ??? like ?? dunno ?
Darren:
Admittedly not something I’ve thought about extensively, would probably say hetero for both
Clifford:
Hetero, but maybe biromantic?? I mean him and Julian tho ??? I haven’t thought about Clifford in a very long time oops.
PART L
1. How have your characters changed since you created them?
Reeve:
So I’ve been writing Reeve for almost four years now, and I can confidently say I only figured out who she really is very recently. Reeve hasn’t actually changed very much since book one, I think I’ve just realized who she is more, so her actions reflect herself a lil better. She’s a self-centred person, and pretty much always has been, but because I know that that’s her character, and not me writing her wrong, I’ve been able to push that even more in book six versus book one. She’s also a lot less empathetic than she was, but honestly, she hasn’t made too much positive change, just remained as she was before, but worse.
Lonan:
Lonan ‘changed’ a lot, namely because I didn’t know he was going to be Reeve’s half brother until book three (he was intro’d in book two). Change isn’t a very good word for him, because like his sister, he’s remained the same person, but the way he acts has differed slightly. So how I perceive him has changed, would probably be a more accurate sentiment because his character hasn’t changed much. He’s impatient as he was in book two, a lil narcissistic, hot-headed, arrogant. I’d say he’s changed the most in terms of self destruction. He’s always been self-destructive, but he’s even more so now.
Foster:
Foster is a lot milder than I initially wrote him. He had a bit of sass to him in book one, but this totally actually isn’t his character, which I realized as I went along. He doesn’t stand up for himself nearly as much as he used to, and his submissiveness has increased a lot. It’s funny (and kind of awful) that I’ve never actually characterized these guys with backstory (just went on as it happened), so a lot of things change as I go, but his sass tho? Where did it go ?? He cracked more jokes too ??? now he’s so serious ?? He also wasn’t vegan before but now he legit is?? Foster is hella posher than he was before, honestly.
Harrison:
Harrison’s a lot more mature now than he was in book one. His character arc is kind of funny, because he’s hot-headed, impatient, funny, sassy, etc when he’s 17, up until he’s 19. From 20 onward, he’s a lot more mature, and less childish, and from 25 onward, reverts back to his seventeen year old self, lol. Harrison’s patience has increased a lot more tho, and he also isn’t volatile at all. He’s a huge softie who I somehow didn’t realize liked the bois even tho it’s so obvious he does like ? Rachel r u good ??? he is so down for the rainbow tho ? taste the rainbow doe ?
Darren:
AHA Darren has changed SOOOO MUCH. Darren was supposed to be a horrible person, narcissistic, bitter, very sharp and blunt, selfish, etc, and that’s how I planned him to be. Literally the instant I wrote his first line into the book he turned into a total softie seweetheart with the biggest heart of gold which actually doesn’t work for my future plot but I can’t help that he’s literally a dream come true as a person? He went from stupid villain to SWEETERMANSSS.
Clifford:
lol I wrote Clifford as a hardcore ‘I don’t give two fucks about this world, fuck you man’ kind of guy who was honest and kind of an ass for about the first three chapters of the original draft of I’M DISAPPOINTED when I realized he’s actually a cinnamon roll? I struggled to change this in my earliest edits (I think I have notes saying MAKE CLIFFORD LESS OF AN ASS) a lot. He wasn’t supposed to be anxious af either, or care about his family. Needless to say, pretty stoked he changed lol.
2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?
I don’t really consider theme very much, if at all in my books or characters (this is more so something I look to after the fact if it ever comes up), but I’d say a huge theme for everybody is loss? I dunno why, but loss is one of my favourite things to write because it almost acts as a vortex for more potential problems to integrate into a story. I really like dealing with messy situations in my books, and loss really allows me to do this, as well as segue into other characteristics in my characters, such as selfishness, anger, deceit, sadness, etc.
3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?
Reeve:
No, conceptually, she was never meant to be anything like me, and in execution, I still don’t think she’s anything like me, lol.
Lonan:
No, he also wasn’t created to be like me, and remained nothing like me until around book four? Lonan and I are still very different (he’s hella calculating and not emotional lol), but there are parts of me that I now see in him.
None of these characteristics were intentional, but he totally got my worst characteristics. Sometimes these characteristics (mostly) are more exaggerated in him than me (such as coldness), but yeah he’s kinda like my evil alter ego, lol.
Because of this, Lonan is kind of the closest character to me, strangely, and I’ve had a dissociative episode ft. him, which was strange but interesting!
My doctor has deemed Lonan my lil guardian buddy who reminds me of the laws of the real world (like yo if u jump off something u gon fall hunny gravity is a thing), which is fascinating to me (could talk about this forever!) because I never considered him to be that close to me?
Foster
lol no not me at all, wasn’t created that way ever
Except we both love tofu and could probably drown in tofu and not be mad about it?
I need to write a scene with Foster and tofu oml
Harrison
Aha, no he wasn’t actually created to be like me at all, and I never thought we were similar until a year or two ago! He’s kinda like the ‘extroverted me’ obvi I think I’m colder and more cynical than him, but we could vibe since we’re on a similar wavelength lol
Harrison is like all the sunshine in me, so subtract the Lonan from me
Darren
Also no, Darren wasn’t created to be me, and I think he’s too nice to be similar to me, lol.
Clifford
So Clifford was never created to be like me at all. We started out as being two very very very different people, and then suddenly he ? was ? my ? emo ? alter ? ego ? tho ???
Clifford was a very suave boi before I figured out who he was, and when I did, he turned out to be an anxious, angsty, existential boi who is no lie basically a self-insert ahahaha
4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could?
Reeve
Is it mean if I say no, lol. She’s not a people person or a friend person, and I dunno what we would even talk about. Obviously if I could hang out with all my characters that’d be fun, but I dunno if I’d even talk to Reeve, looool oops
Lonan
Yes! Just because I’d really enjoy provoking him. Lowkey would hate me, but I could see his superman hair in person ? tho ?
Foster
queen yessss catch us gushing bout tofu and chickpeas ????
Harrison
QUEEN yes! ft. ABBA on karaoke tho? Hanging out with Harrison would be so fun because he’s actually not boring like Lonan who we would poke fun at and then I’d be like yo hunnyyy snatch up that date for yourself thoooooo and we would talk about boys lol
Darren
Also yes! Darren is so generous and kind and funny and tbh how tf is he single hmu Darren tbh let’s eat Oreos and watch musicals
Clifford
I don’t really want to hang out with Clifford because that would be horribly awkward? But I think jamming some guitar with him would be very fun and then we’d bond and write angsty poetry on our hands
5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘good guy’?
loool not Reeve
My order from most morally sound to least morally sound:
Darren
Foster
Clifford
Harrison
Reeve
Lonan
None of these people are particularly antagonists in terms of the bias of the story. I would say Darren, Foster, Clifford and Harrison are all 100% not antagonistic at all. Reeve and Lonan are technically ‘heroes’ but ha, no. I’d definitely say in other perspectives, they’re both hella morally grey, and in many cases, very morally wrong.
6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a ‘bad guy’?
The award is going to Lonan, but Reeve is right up there with him. Neither Reeve or Lonan are supposed to be the ‘bad guy’, they just make poor decisions. At the moment, Reeve is making worse decisions than her brother, so, their moral decline kinda switches at times, lol. Neither are the antagonists of the book at least from Reeve’s narrative bias, but I guess if you think about it, they wreak the most havoc for the most part.
7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive?
Heh I love that this is the last question! I think they’re all rather decent, and have their own attractive qualities tho? Some observations:
Reeve
Kinda plain not gon lie she cute doe
Lonan
Bird boi, The hair swoop tho? #itsignifieshisdownfall, that jawline tho?
Foster:
Fresh boi, gotta iron dem dress shirts, #oxfords, #shoepolish, #hairgel
Harrison
Hawt boi, That shaggy hair tho? The leather jackets and cigarettes tho?
Darren:
Suave boi, EVERYTHING tho??? His hair ??? His face ??? His personality ???
Clifford:
lmao
Thanks for all the questions! Whattup at this long post, good on you if you made it this far!
–Rachel
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today i’m still really really sad.
i don’t know why i stay in bed all day. or why getting up to eat seems less important than it actually is. leaving the house is a hard thing to do. i can still do it. but i can feel my mental state deteriorating and i don’t know what to do about it. i relapsed yesterday.itd been almost a full week. i don’t know what the fuck is up with me lately. but i can’t wear any short sleeves for awhile now. it wasn’t a good day. i almost lost my best friend in the whole world yesterday, but i didn’t. i don’t know what i would’ve done today if i had. and that’s what freaks me out. i don’t need other people. i’ve convinced myself of that. but somehow i don’t believe it.
there’s a lot of things i don’t talk about anymore. i don’t tell people i’m sad. or that i think about dying an awful lot. that i know a LOT about mental health but absolutely nothing about my own. the voices of everyone saying “how are you doing” taunts me in the back of my head because i keep saying i’m fine when i’m not. i cried so hard yesterday. it’d break your heart if you’d seen it. i started crying and ran out to my car and just cried and yelled and banged the steering wheel and all that. i was upset. but the upset that i get when it comes to you can’t be normal. that can’t just mean you’re only a friend to me. i know that deep down i always thought i’d end up back with you. even though the days where you did love me, it was so long ago it doesn’t even seem real anymore. like it never happened. it scatters all around my brain as i try to figure out what i consider you. you told me you wanted a healthy friendship, and i’ve wanted that for so long. the hostility was getting old and you couldn’t seem to bring yourself to care about most the things i told you. which makes sense. it’s a lot. someone could write books about my life. all the shit that goes on, god knows they’d be popular.
last week i was on top of the world it seemed. i just started my makeup account and i was gaining followers and recognition REALLY fast. i had a guy that i kinda liked (who i told that i need a break because this is the time of my life where i just block everyone out) and i got to go pick up my dog. my life was fine. nothing has changed. except i’m not doing my schoolwork anymore and i’m not finding the motivation to go to the gym or move my body. it’s like i tell myself it’s time to go do shit, but i just can’t do it. i don’t know why
i start therapy next week. i’ve only told three people that i’m going, none of which are my mom. i’m scared to have someone evaluate me that way. this lady is gonna have a real inside look about what’s going on in my head and to be honest, i’m dead fuckin afraid that it’s gonna be worse than i think. i’m scared that they’re going to put me on meds and i’ll get worse. or it’ll change who i am. why do i have to be so sad like this? so angry like i get? fucking excited and happy and then everything in between. i don’t feel like i’m going anywhere and DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED on how ill probably never ever have a relationship because i don’t even know how they work. i don’t know what i’m doing or what i want to do.
all my exes added me on snapchat in the same week. only one of them pissed me off. i’m still convinced i still love on of them. the other one was always meant to be my friend, and only that. we never noticed it because we just wanted someone to talk to.
i wish i didn’t let people break my heart the way they do. isn’t it supposed to get easier? because it seems to me that everything just increases. i think i’ll be a little sad over every boy i’ve ever dated for a pretty long time. they were in my life and now they’re not. that shit hurts more than it should. all i know is that i can’t date anybody until i figure myself out and i think i’m slowly learning that.
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What was his childhood like with his brothers and a single mother, and how did he come out to them? Was he well received? How does it affect all his relationships in life, given the time period?
GH okay i can talk in depth about this so its going under a cut. warnin for talk abt dysphoria, blasphemy (only kind of vaguely referred to), vague implications of nonphysical abuse and potential misgendering/transphobia/etc
so like… he was born a fraternal twin which wasnt so shocking to the family dynamic bc there was already a pair of twins But after having a total of 9 kids and One of them being born biologically female you kinda fixate on that yknow? so. elliot was most definitely Pegged to be the odd one out from the start but he kinda never really was. he played in the same way that his brothers played and loved getting dirty and being a general nuisance and he was, in essence, already One Of The Boys by like age 4. i should note also his oldest brother is 10 years older and most of them have like a ½ y age difference
inserting this bit right here to clarify the dog incident happened when he was 6 and four of them were playing in a dry canal n there were wild dogs hiding in the underpass (and up until then hed only known dogs as nice creatures) so he goes to pet em yadda yadda arms and legs get fucked up real bad. forearms are still wicked sensitive and scarred up but his knees recovered merely because he ran. they didnt have money for hospital bills so he was kinda useless for a while though
so anyway. despite her child obviously being a “““tomboy”““ she still attempted to force him into frilly dresses and do his hair all nice and when he was Really young he didnt super care but eventually noticed the difference in how his mom allowed his brothers to behave vs how she allowed him to behave and it upset him??? and granted this was more when he was like 8 or 9 and it was less “elli go play” and more “elli help me with dinner” even though she often didnt include anybody else in that request. so he starts cutting his own hair and disobeying openly and gets kinda mean because of it (thus his inclusion in being a Town Terror with the other brothers) uhh
they fought a Lot as kids bc margaret wasnt the Best at keeping them in line especially when shed get more concerned with sleeping with other men/going out for the nice bc once chase (oldest) was old enough to technically be in charge shed just kinda Leave sometimes an pray they didnt set the house on fire. because of that it was “im trapped in a house with all my brothers lets wrestle and scream until the neighbors call the cops on us because somebody might be dying” but at the end of the day they still had that Sibling Bond that rose above anything else
moving back onto the Trans Narrative: he realizes somethings up mid/end of middle school and hes not sure how to put it into words but he doesnt Feel Good anymore. doesnt like hearing his deadname or being the singular “girl” of the family. his twin, owen, is like, his first Go To for comfort and owen doesnt know either but he doesnt really Care. one time he tries to tell his mom but she waves him off and tells him never to bring it up again and… he Doesnt. goes through his first couple years of high school horrifically depressed and just barely passing year to year if Even passing until the very beginning of junior year he just Stops going. owen and some of the more fraternal of his brothers, when older, are kinda the only thing that keeps him grounded and ultimately he feels Useless ages 16 to 18
spy is his first contact bc he knows his mom who kinda just laments about how useless this kid who used to be so excited to play baseball with his brothers and run around and race freely is all of the sudden, please make him stop. and spys reluctant but also Guilty and has him flown out to nm for various hit and run jobs and elliot doesnt really realize what hes been thrust into at first but it gets to a point where doing Anything (even Crime) feels so good he doesnt care. inducted officially into the team when hes 19 or 20 and also has his name legally changed within that time period (jeremy is his “formal” name his mom insisted upon when he informed her this was a thing that was happening and she couldnt do anything about it, but if addressed by his actual name hed much rather hear elliot except in Official or as previously stated, formal, settings). voila The Scout is born
he technically comes out to the family when hes like 18/19 and already living out of home and he comes back to visit for a gathering where a lot of people are there includin some of his brothers’ dads. and nobody really knows what to do (mom im trans and also stronger than you so dont try any shit) bc most of them are religious and all of the boys were raised christian even if they were just going to church for the sake of going to church. and like… over time they adapt… margaret pulls the whole “this is all my fault my babys going to hell” thing for a while and makes it about her and some of his brothers do the same (william, the second oldest and michael, one of the other twins are the only two who are like “absolutely not youre disowned never speak to me again” and disallow their kids from seeing him EVEN THOUGH his nieces and nephews love him the Most) but eventually they kinda Get It. and dont Agree with it but cant bear to just leave their baby brother behind. so. its like. they fuck up the pronouns a lot but still Vaguely try. he doesnt talk to them a lot and wishes honestly hed never said anything and just moved out and lived stealth (hes stealth in tfi). he sends money home bc despite all his mom did and said to him bc deep down he still cares but. yknow. he avoids them if he can
SORRY THAT GOT LONG onto other tidbits
he never did baseball in school but played recreationally with the boys every time he got the opportunity to but he did run track when he got to eighth grade/high school and was really fantastic at it. hed run and began exercising initially as a way to beat his brothers but his mom makes some off-handed comment about how its good hes finally doing that, he could bear to lose somea that chub, nobody likes a fat girl (hes 12!) and is like Ah. and hes less self conscious about his weight now bc hes accepted the fact most of his weight is muscle and hes naturally curvy partly bc hes pretty and partly bc hes a runner. hes very very secure in himself and his identity even if he cant just tell people hes trans
he probably wouldve continued religiously if he hadnt been told by multiple sources that the “behaviors” he engaged in would upset god and get him banished to hell for life so he stopped going to church when he moved. of course, god only confirming he was his gift to the earth made him (silently) rub it in his familys face and he stopped uhh. believing in what was taught at churches simply bc he was convinced hed met god and proved all of them wrong? anyway
at the age and place he is he tends not to make lasting relationships with many people, at least romantically, because hes positive one of these days hell move to a place people dont know him and hell have had surgery and suddenly fit in with the cis and be able to settle down then. god knows he has the money for it; but for where hes at he tends not to care, not to tell anybody, n probably hasnt uhhh yknow Bonked for several years which is whatever he lives. He Lives. i think thats all i have to say on this IM SO SORRY but. this ask is very important to me
#Anonymous#➫ＰＯＰ ＱＵＩＺ！| ASK ♕#➫ＫＩＮＤ ＯＦ Ａ ＢＩＧ ＤＥＡＬ．| MUSE ♕#➫ＯＨ， ＷＥ ＤＯＮＥ ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ？| OOC ♕#[ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK i think about trans scout every day of my fucking life ]#[ i could probably have put this into better words if i looked back and found my hc threads on twitter but this covers essentially -#- all of the bases So ]
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out of all four of the strilondes rose totally feels like A Mom for them .....
like in their first months on earth c, its rose thats smoothing out misunderstandings with people who’ve never met eachother, like when dave has to leave all of a sudden in the middle of helping tavros move into his new apartment thingy (rose was there), and like when roxy suddenly doesnt really feel up to being her usual excited self and shes not very talkative at all and keeps just kinda staring at people, which they get a little put off by (rose was there then too), and like when dirk was getting to know equius and suddenly does a 180 and seems really put off and scowly and it just took one text to rose and then she swings by to bail him out with a pretend emergency :P
and she knows how to talk to all three of them, and how they all like it different?? out of everyone, rose is the one whos helped calm down the other three the most besides their own respective partners?? because shes a SiblingMom and its her Nonchalant Duty to help her siblingparents feel safe and happy :[
anyway dirk isnt really open to talking at all, him and rose just sort of sit together and he wrings his hands and tries not to let himself cry and his shoulders are all tense, but with a few key phrases from rose, “how are you feeling this morning?” not good, “would you want something to drink? i saw a vending machine close by that had bottled tea and coffee,” no, im fine, “its to my understanding equius is a little ... much for most? what did you think personally?” .... “when i met one of his selves for the first time on the meteor i was a little surprised. although it was mostly from a cultural point of view? as in, i was surprised that where we had our very eccentric humans, there’s the same interests in troll society-” “eccentric? im definitely not eccentric. he is eccentric. i thought it would be cool, you know? i thought .. you know, i just thought ..we could” and then dirk just kinda needs to cry for a little while, and let his self deprecating thoughts kind of fall out of his mouth, and he maybe lets rose pat him on the back and rub his back lightly for a couple minutes :O
and dave doesnt like to talk even a little, actually, he kind of cant?? hes all frozen up, and it always just happens all of a sudden when he accidentally focuses on someone cutting their steak with a serrated knife from across the table, and sometimes it just happens that karkat’s back at home for this little dinner holiday party thing, so hes on his own and that just makes it worse and he wants to be held and ughhh thats so dumb, he thinks, but it makes the tightness in his chest a lot worse oh no, but his sister’s close by and rose might be ok, hopefully shes ok tonight, maybe, maybe she’ll notice, and rose Does notice because dave just completely stops moving his hands holding his silverware and its like he just teleported away except his body’s still here, empty, except not actually hehe, and rose reaches close to him to maybe just grab a biscuit or something inconspicuously and tug on dave’s sleeve where he can see, and she tells him to come grab a drink with her, and then theyre alone, and daves Not Here, and rose wants him away from all the silverware and knife se- oh, dave still has his fork in his hand and hasn’t noticed, so she takes it and sets it aside and dave lets her,
dave probably likes the situation a lot less than when karkat helps him feel better because with rose theres a lot of crying somehow >n< rose says things like reminding him where they are, and how they got here, and how long theyve been on earth c so far, and they’ll be here for eons more, and somehow he goes from sitting beside her to leaning in her arms and clutching her tightly and crying dead-silently all over her shirt wtf how did this happen >:() regardless he feels better after what the heck
and then they agree to not talk about this to anybody hahaha awkward sibling hugs
roxy and rose have a super close friendship!!! roxy has this Awe for rose, and she feels a little stressed to appear really mature to her momsibling, so living with her on earth c is really bizarre, seeing rose all messy in the early mornings before she’s had coffee, and roxys really uptight and afraid at first, and it often pushes her into dissociating a bit, just a Neutral Dissociation most of the day, for many days, and its really sad :( she just seems a little absent, just a little, and even jane is asking whats up with her but she doesnt wanna explain why!!!! its embarrasing!!!!!
the truth is she has to talk about the issue with rose herself, and eventually when rose finally vaguely questions about her behaviors and with the way she links them to dave, she kind of casually caves after like 3 weeks?? like “im just, sort of nervous to be around you like all the time, youre just.. so amazing, and i dont feel enough” and OMG its just OUT there omg omg, but rose is just sort of like, “i can understand that given your upbringing” or something? shes just so dang casual, and graceful, even while shes pouring coffee into a mug, omfg, roxy totally swoons inside, but then she says “let it be said that you are always enough roxy, and youre a great friend to me” :( and then roxy DIES OMG this is her IDOL...... “and i dont have your rose’s memories, sadly. is it that you miss her?” and it totally hits her then that this rose isn’t her idol, theyre two different roses, and maybe rose might be a mind reader, is she a mind reader? ugh roxy asks rose to make her a cup of coffee too because hopefully itll wake up her vacant head and rose sits at the table and Talks with her
and at least with roxy it doesnt end in tears hehe
roxy is just so grateful to have her, and dave and dirk are too!! having a safety plan and a backup person is very very important, and rose is more than willing to help out her childsiblings <3
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Part V: Lets talk about SSS: Our Senses and the Importance of SilenceHey Empaths: “Feelin so fresh right now we should call ourselves the ziploc gang”
Hey Heyyy lovely amazing humans,
Were gonna keep it lighter today, a bit of a controversial day out here and in that regard ive relaxed a little bit here in my writing and getting pretty darn comfortable with this flow "exxxcuse me flow" D & D reference.
You’re gonna get to know me a little more about my real authentic true self, this writing is who I really am.
Growing up in a broken system has opened my eyes, yes all three of them, if for those of you that are my peeps you’ll understand that reference.
Also you're gonna see more Dumb and Dumber quotes and probably a Buttt Ton of Will Ferell.
I tend to write how I talk.
But for this instance i wont let letters draggg on as much, but hey you know if you text me and your one of me peeps I always exaggerate letters because its just the way I speak, very enthusiastically.
I also notice when my brain is in a flow I type quickly and for some reason smell checking it just a pet peeve for me so yes this may be riddled with some spelling errors. Did ya notice the word smell instead of spell? I really have always disliked going back and re reading my work. The essays my teachers would give back to me were practically all underlined in red and read ‘ use a dictionary next time’
***but also keep in mind when you do notice a spelling error, notice your brain during this. Your brain picks up on mistakes quickly instead of understanding the sentence itself.
Wasn't there a math trick that showed this?
1+1=3
4+1=5
3+1=4
Did your brain do it? Automatically went to the wrong math equation, instead of noticing the other 2 correct ones. We're not perfect human beings, so lets not be to critical of others and ourselves and try not to notice the mistakes and instead take in the things that resonate with you, try to retrain the mind to accept this and dive in***
****Big Thank You to all the empaths out there! Thank you for keeping this flow going for me, you know who you are and none of this writing would have been possible without you, thanks for helping me find me and my comfort zone, Hallelujah!***
Lets all Shhhhhh for a moment,
Were gonna go mute and talk about the importance of our other senses
We are so much more than just words
We all learn our behaviour from somewhere and this begins at a very young age
Before we learn to speak, our mind is being conditioned
We are very observant creatures, especially at a young age when we are muted we tend to pick up more on the reactions and responses of others while watching their movements and mannerisms.
When we are muted our other senses are heightened and smell and taste become much more apparent.
When were not able to verbally communicate yet, or ever for some, we naturally rely on our other senses to help us navigate through life.
Communication and connection through our senses is pretty powerful stuff and can create alot of insight about ourselves. And Hey aren't we all just trying to figure out who we really are?
our body talks to us all day long such as
Ive got an itch on my nose so my hand scratches it or ouch I stubbed my toe, which recently happened to both chic and mom within a few days of each other.
Our body is constantly communicating with itself and most of this happens unconsciously.
Our brain thinks about something and our body just does it. Obviously theres more science to it than that but hey lets stay light today and honestly i dont feel like trying to learn all the terminology. Sometimes the details complicate things, lets keep it simple
Unconscious communication is more prevalent when you consider muscle memory.
Do you ever unconsciously reach for something and its not there? And afterward realizing its not there you process this.
This usually happens when i go to brush my teeth, I open the drawer grab it without even looking down.
Our body recalls specific motions and patterns that we do more regularly and saves this information.
This can be gooood and also bad.
I am right now trying to become more aware of these patterns such as putting on the kettle without even asking myself do i really want a tea right now?
Its important for us to stop and think about the movements were actually making and why.
Unconscious communication through muscle memory can also be a good thing such as typing on this keyboard right now.
This type of communication with the body can enhance our lives more efficiently but that doesnt necessarily mean its more effective.
Multi tasking is a great skill yes yes and includes alot of muscle memory especially in a work place setting. However weve got to consider how well are we actually doing each task.
Were kind of half assing all the tasks instead of doing an exceptional job dedicated to one task only.
Because we live in a 'consumer convenience' era, multi tasking is expected at every job and if you cant keep up well hey they'll find someone who will. Places of employment no longer value the same skills they once used to, but lets leave that stuff for another day.
So were always chit chattin to our bodies, whether we realize it or not and vise versa
Our bodies are always communicating with us, we just gotta pay more attention sometimes. I am guilty of this in this moment as my lower back aches a bit from sitting and writing and i should go do a quick stretch.
Connecting with our body and my senses has given me alot of insight Its important for me to remember how essential my other senses are
Yes words are powerful and beautiful and conveying, however lets dive into our other awesome gifts first
Stop! in the namee of LOVE and smell the roses: SMELL
Smell is something we really do take for granted now a days
We forget to smell fresh flowers and fresh berries
Smell the air around us and the changes it has on your body when it blows
Smell that beautiful ocean breeze and notice the small of the Sulphur, the marine life and sometimes sure it can be a wee bit stinky on the shoreline
But our ability to smell is really quite unique and special and affects us all differently. Strong perfumes personally give me and many other people a headache.
We are all so beautifully different and lets embrace it all.
Animals of course have a much more heightened sense of smell
Animals without the capability to speak rely solely on their senses
A bear can smell meat 5 miles away, cmon now 5 miles, that’s honestly wild to try and comprehend.
5 miles is over 8000 m and if you remember running the 100 M dash in gym class well that’s a great distance to go.
Its recommended when your hiking long distance trails not to pack meat, especially near the end of the berry season. When you are hiking you will see 'bear box or caches' in some camping areas, this is obviously to cover the scent.
***But cmon who loves Will Ferell? I definitely do! Anchorman classic
"the bears can smell the menstruation" funny joke for sure, except its not really a joke.
Ive spoke to a few hikers who backpack and said this is actually real and bears can smell blood from 5 miles away. I have legitimately been told not to go hiking when i am on my cycle. I have also spoken to a few people who have said nahh thats not true so honestly who knows, but Im not signing up for that experiment regardless.
Have you ever smelt a specific flower or perfume or pool water or gasoline, or obviously theres over 1000 plus infinity smells. Have you ever smelt something recently and it reminded you of a previous time in your life? Sometimes smell can take you back to past memories and things that you forgot about, sometime a scent can transcend us back to that very moment. I have experienced this among many many others. When we are open and relaxed this is much more abundant.
Who doesn't love to go outside after it rains, or even better during it and dance to a little John Melloncamp with the fam jam, that ones for you dad!
The ground and the air sure smells extra fresh after a good rainstorm, the earth's natural cleanser.
Who else lovesssss water, in all of its varying and uniquely different forms, and temperatures.
Probablyyyy most of us as it’s essential for our survival.
Who loves a nice cold shower? Always good to do for a nice body reset and actually recommended by some more wise individuals.
Have you ever noticed how good you feel after a dip in the lake?
Are there any other mermaids out there? Or anybody with alot of water in their charts? Swimming for some of us is one of the most incredible sensations. Floating and flippin around in the waves is really freeeing for the body and the mind.
Campfires
Im not sure if your the same as my awesome little hippie family but we love this smell, and the smell of a campfire puts us all into an instant relax chill mode.
* Also if you want to get even weirder like us, leave your campfire scented sweater for when you wake up in the morning and youll automatically be in a relaxed mood. And i know its not just my and my fam who does this cause ive met a few of you that find great comfort in this as well.
Nature and its elements are so calming eh. Scents both knowing or not can dictate our moods and reactions
Scents remind us of our memories and they remind us of what we do and do not enjoy
Most people dislike the smell of cigarettes, for some its a memory association response and for some they have hold onto some judgements about it.
Have you ever walked by a group of people who dont have access to a washing machine and thought 'eww gross?'
Sometimes our mind associates scents negatively and unknowingly we allow it to dictate our reactions or opinions.
Whatever people are wearing or smellin like you can still give them a smile, be sure to take your mask off so they can seeee and feeel your enthusiastic energy.
Smiles go a long long long way for people and when you smile at something that typically your judgmental about, your showing your brain whose BOSS, your teaching it to change your reactions and stop meaningless and inauthentic opinions by doing so.
Everyones got a favourite scent, i wonder what yours is and why? What does it remind you of? What scents trigger you in a negative way and why?
Smell is much more prevalent when we are calm and relaxed
Mmmm food, keepin our bellies happy keeps us happy : TASTE
Our amazingly sophisticated taste buds and their ability to decipher from each other and every flavour we put into our mouths. And thank you universe and mother earth for such variety. Our taste buds change over time which ive always found of kind of interesting, they sort of mature with age alongside ourselves
***If my dad was here today he would be telliing you all about this.
"your tastebuds are gonna change one day guys' and my sisters and I would obviously disagree as children tend to do with their parents when their trying to avoid their vegetables.
As I child I would always get a ham, cheese and mayo sub.
And I do mean ALWAYS, for about a decade that never changed
And my dad would often recommend i put some veggies on there, I must say i felt fairly strongly about my dislike of veggies growing up, I typically went for the meat and cheese, chic for the potatoes and my older sis would go for the veggies, she knew the importance of eating well at a very young age.
Our dad was pretty darn accommodating when it came to this tho because of course it wasn't just me, chic was the same and well we know were stronger in groups right? So my dad eventually gave up and he started to make his famous chicken alfredo in two batches. He would make his and the lovely amazing human he was with at this time. He would make theirs with peppers, onions and mushrooms.
I am almost drooling and i havent finished the sentence yet, which reminds me of ***Parlov's Dog experiment* This references how powerful our nervous system is in connection to our body and includes how impactful our memory can be.
He would make theirs, and a separate one for chic and I with only the Alfredo and chicken. But hey we loved it and ate it every time so he stopped fighting us and just reminded us in a very funny manner, just wait till your taste buds change one day guys, and we would laugh at this ridiculously absurd possibility. Annnnd thann!
Luckily my dad was still around to see this development actually happen
We would tell him about all the veggies we put in our food now a days and all the new veggies weve learned about, and he was in shock when he learned i dont even eat meat anymore and actually follow more of a plant based diet. He had the biggest smile on his face, ' seeeee i told you guys' he would say.
We sometimes take this sense for granted, shoveling food into our mouths at such a fast pace because we only have an hour lunch break at work.
Do you know its recommended to chew food, 27 or 28 times? Can't recall that i learned it recently, but that recommendation dates back to an ancient Indian philosophy telling us to slow down when we are eating, its better for our digestion as well.
Did you know how long it actually takes for a home cooked meal to be ready? forrrrrrrever it feels like sometimes.
My family could tell you more about this one specifically as they make bigger meals for their own families now.
Lasagna or shepards pie is coming to mind right now, mom and chic make the best dishes! This process requires time and is well worth it afterwards, a nice home cooked meal for the family. Meat or no meat whatever your into.
Its nice to sit down together and appreciate good conversation and home cooked meals, your own little community gathering.
Families still do this yes, its just not as common, for very understandable reasons, no one has any of their OWN time anymore.
Both parents are now expected to work to survive, our new age, obviously this beautiful tradition is much harder to consistently continue and gradually fades away.
Conveniently during this we saw a massive rise in technology resulting in overstimulation in children and less availability for social skills to develop. A family sitting down together over dinner and chattin about their day is really quite a sacred tradition to cherish.
Naturally with our chaotic world we forget the importance this could have on us and our healthy developments.
Its funny cause as kids we always found this so annoying and couldn't wait to leave the dinner table to get back outside, completely unaware the length of time it takes to cook a meal. As an adult I find I really cherish the times i am able to get back and over to my moms kickass backyard and hang with my family over a beautiful meal. And you know if youve ever come to momma bears house just how smoothly this whole operation goes.
***Momma Bears backyard shenanigan's... Hey Farvo! Whats the place we used to go to all the time? Super trooper reference, another classsic***
Chics preppin the veggies, shes got all her spices going, moms gettin the BBQ lit and they debate whose gonna cook. As i am typing this im realizing i haven't been pulling my weight as much as i could be, gosh i am so spoiled! Real families making real food today is a process and its quite a beautiful one. The preparation involved as a team is very bonding. So sit down and enjoy it afterwards and try and give your fam jam your full attention, you might notice a difference emotionally.
***One trick my nana tried to teach me was to put my knife and fork down between bites in order to train myself to slow down while enjoying a meal.
Sometimes in this chaotic world, not crazy world because that term is used very loosely now and we throw it around, again I face this challenge many many times because as an empath I see, feel and observe from a different perspective.
And many many many of you are exactly the same, obviously perceiving things all differently but you get what i mean, we've all got this in us.
We all have the ability to quickly view both sides of a circumstance if we are able to be open and calm. If your different its time to embrace it!
Being different is wayyyy cooler and more fun when you find your peeps obviously, and this is really starting to happen for me. When you find your community that you vibe with, wow magical things can happen.
Sometimes in our chaotic consumer driven era we do not have the time to enjoy a meal, we simply need the energy to fuel us for the rest of the day. It doesn't have to be this way, slow down, stop working overtime and keep our guts happy, remember its considered to be our second brain.
What we ingest is very important for our emotional and physical development.
Its important to know what food we are ingesting and whether it benefits your body or not. Most of us don't even look at labels anymore, we buy it from the store and trust that its safe, and yes this includes me, who has time to read all those ingredients right? And google all those long complicated words.
Our senses have incredible capabilities and i have definitely taken them for granted. We beat our body constantly by eating process foods and smelling and using toxic products. I am very guilty of this as I really did not pay attention nor care about what i ate and drank in previous years.
This was also related to some underlying issues so it was important for me to WAKE UP and deal with my shit in order to start caring about what I was putting into my body.
***Our body is our temple, our soul dictates how it is treated***
**See RAT PARK experiment: We are a by product of our environment and this does affect our senses and the connections to our body***
Do you live in a city?
I do and i am definitely breathing in more pollution than someone whose livin their best air life up north in the woods.
Do you live beside a farm? The soil, the grass and the air can influence your body emotionally and physically. The methane from all the cows poooop is something people are looking into more seriously, among other reasons.
Do you live by a nuclear plant or garbage and recycling centre?
Do you notice a difference emotionally and physically when you are out walking in the woods, old growth forests all around? You're finally getting clean oxygen and this is essential for our healthy development. Of course we must consider the hike itself, walking in nature and getting healthy exercise. Stuff like this is a big factor and can improve your development emotionally and physically. But have you ever noticed how great you feel afterwards?
*Nature is magic, nature is healing and nature is our medicine***
Come and knock on our door, weve been waiting for you! :SOUND
Most of us are born with the ability to hear and now a days tech is so fancy they are able to help individuals who have trouble with this. Those who do not have this sense means their other senses are naturally heightened which is pretty incredible as well when we consider this. Our body is incredible and decides hey were sorry you cant hear, our bad, lets kick up all your other senses in return.
Something I experience from an old knee injury is some back issues because my body has been overcompensating on the one side for so long. Pretty neat to think that even when were hurtin our body is able to support us
Our ability to hear sounds still boggles me because new sounds and patterns just keep on coming around,this will never end, limitless creative possibilities
We just gotta stay focused enough to create.
Infinite possibilities, never stop creating! We can make music, play instruments, become a dj like my super cool cuz, for real check him out, what do they say now a days? hes dopppppe!
WE can shuffle our feet around, whistle and clap our hands.
Sounds can gesture signs of appreciation and can also indicate signs of warning.
Have you ever been walking downtown and faintly hear the sound of someone screaming and it scares you? Whats your reaction to this very moment? Do you flee to help them? Are you automatically scared? Do you freeze? Its important to start to notice our responses, in these particular situations. We believe we have no control over our reactions, but we do and we can change them.
Have you ever noticed when you work with the same people you begin to listen to their foot patterns and can figure out whose coming
That may sound extreme to some but let me tell ya everybody moves their feet differently and if you and if you work with someone enough youll start to notice this pattern and even know whose coming in the room before our sight registers it.
Sound allows us to decipher between a saxophone and drums, among many many other instruments. Sounds picks up unconsciously on different frequencies and their levels affect us more than we realize. There is a really neat deep sleep app i use and because the frequency is different it helps you fall asleep faster and into a more REM cycle, something about delta waves?
Our ability to hear allows us to become musicians and singers like wonderful MS, she sung in the kitchen when we were making food together in costa rica and it was so very enchanting. Have you ever just heard someone's voice and sort of fall into a bit of a meditative state? MS has the ability to do this! and naturally other people felt safe enough to join in allowing themselves to open up further. We are connected and help eachother on this wild ride of life.
Embrace our beautiful gifts and keep on roaring!
We can recreate ourselves, or how I like to see it, we return to our true self without all of the systems conditioning. We can free our minds!
We can choose a song we want to listen to next and make a playlist, this is all apart of creation! *Also please share your awesome playlists with me, I would love to hear them***
Have you ever noticed how your mood can shift when 'your jam' comes on, instantly lifts your mood, a game changer we say. Sound gives your body the ability to overrride your emotional thought process.
Whatever your thinking about changes in an instant. An example of this is when someone honks their horn, and thanks sis for talking about the mustang today. But lets play this scenario out, your driving, your cruising, your jamming to your fav song on the radio, windows down, life is grand. Than BAM someone honks a horn and suddenly everything changes.
Or what about when your walking downtown and you consistently hear the sound of sirens, dont you think psychologically this could affect someone deeply, more deeply than others due to underlying trauma. Maybe someone whose gone through this hears the sound of an ambulance or police car and it instantly reminds them of traumatic event, causing them to react differently, causing them to react from their flight or flight nervous system.
Maybe some people do not trust authority because they have never been shown the same level of respect in the system.
Or what about someone who has experience a fire? and they hear the sound of a firetruck and well surely that sound could activate their fight or flight system.
Or what about the sounds of the birds in the morning?
Birds are also very powerful and unique creatures and for fun sometimes i like to watch them in the morning fly around chasing each other, animals still play! Humans still play!
You could be walking to work in a rush because time is a constructed illusion and your body knows this, but regardless you're stressed out and racing to work. Suddenly you hear the birds, and if you can take a second or longer, this really can calm you down. Animals make the coolest noises, elephants, monkeys, dolphins, all communicate non verbally and effectively because guess what they're still huntin and sleepin as a team. Watch some planet earth and see how they unite non verbally, its pretty powerful.
Animals have incredible capabilities and utilize all their other sense for their survival. Humans also have incredibly heightened senses, truly a gift that we forget to embrace sometimes because were so busy in our go go consumer convenient society.
Eye spy with my little Eye :SIGHT
How long has it been since you played that? Hang out with some of your nieces and start playing again. Bring back your inner child because honestly having fun and being silly is what life is all about.
Our eyes, have you ever stopped to think about how amazing this actually is. We can see for miles, some not as far as others even further. Weve all got different colors and capabilities. And if this is lacking well our world is pretty advanced so they can hook ya up with some pretty great eyewear these days, or even now laser surgery can correct this. Dang eh thats cool, the gift of vision is now readily available!
We can see colours, we can see rainbows, different shades etc
*or are colours just a projection of our reality?*** Oh la la heavy subject definitely wont dive into that one anytime soon*
Our sight allows us to see mountains and oceans, we can go from city to city, continent to continent and see varying landscapes and architectures.
Have you ever thought of your ideal travel destinations?
Where would you want to go and why?
What are you curious about these days?
Our eyes distinguish the difference between yellow and orange, and for some they see all brown and dont know theyre actually wearing purple. I couldn’t imagine being colour blind I think that would be really challenging. But I guess if your born that way you don’t really learn any different right so your other senses adjust accordingly.
Our eyes have the ability to adjust to the light around us, and this is important when you want to get out at night and just stare above. The stars the moon the planets, its all connected to us down here on earth.
Take a moment to see if you can feel this, try to get out on the next meteor shower, or even just look up more often at night if you can, its so elegant and beautifully complex up there.
Astrology we will definitely have to get into in another chapter, but for fun if you can find out what time you were born, where and when, check out your birth chart. Not everyone believes in this which is all good. I do however believe that we come from the universe above. I like to believe that the stars, the planets, how everything is lined up when you were born is kind of like your soul DNA code.
For fun look up your birth chart and see if you learn anything new about yourself? 36 pages of free info all about you! Some may not resonate of course but its pretty insightful to figure out your elements and all THREE of your signs
*Take a few minutes and enjoy your senses*** This is called a grounding technique and is very effective. If your feelin a lot of knots in your stomach than take a moment, slow down, notice your surroundings and focus on your senses.
What are you smelling?
Do you need to put deodorant on? And those of you that know me understand why I ask this speiific question.
I like to use something without aluminum in it because I learned that sweating is very natural and its not really that healthy to be clogging up our pores.
Our bodies need to sweat out the toxins and its trying to get it out.
I tend to use a natural odorizer and it takes away the smell but the moisture still get outs. Or honestly a little trick i taught the community that I have done before is baking soda, cheap and very effective, sprinkle a little on and your ready to go on that tinder or bumble or whatever more dating apps they got now a days.
and yes I to have tried them before but in doing so I have learned that I am not as social as I thought and thats okay. Hangin quietly with someone on a deeper level and talkin about real shit is what excites me. Aristotle theories vs Plato, Where did we all come from? and Of course watching Cosmos from our genious buddy Neil Degrassi Tyson. I cherish real and authentic conversations with people. Enough with the superficial blah blah ya know, Substance and Value in conversations helps me comprehend information quicker. and right now I wannnna learn more and more and I find when you converse with others on the same level your mind expands.
What are you smelling?
What are you hearing?
Is the dishwasher going?
Is the water dripping from the tap?
Is the toilet running? And if so make sure you tell your landlord cause that shit costs alot of extra money for them, sorry momma bear for your last tenant but thank you for this valuable life lesson!
Do you taste anything? is your mouth dry? Do you still taste the kale smoothie you just had? Mix it with some other flavors yum yum!
What are you hearing?
I don't live as close to downtown anymore thankfully so i don't hear the sirens as much when im at home trying to relax. i honestly never realized how much they affected me until i moved elsewhere. The loud noises, the abrupt sounds, and the constant reminder that someone somewhere else is suffering in this very moment, kind of pulls on your heart strings a little right?
We are obviously dealing with a very serious Opioid crisis right now and the sirens are non stop here. It brings me a bit of sadness. I like to have a quick prayer for whoever they are attending to and hope they make it. The opioid crisis is even more amplified and Ive gotta carry two kits of Naloxone at work instead of one. But thats also a topic for another day.
ohhhh i got the feeeelin' : TOUCH
And lastly are amazing gift, the sensation of touch and feel.
This one is heckaaa important as well.
We get to feel all sorts of different textures when were in kindergarten class, remember that board with all the different felts and such on it?
Thank you universe for our opposable thumbs.
Humans get to run sand through their fingers, feel the water wash over them and walk barefoot in the woods
***also important to look up, actually forget looking it up just go and dooooo it!
There are a lot of benefits to walking barefoot in the woods or somewhere clean and safe in nature.
Reflexology is super fascinating and essentially all of your organs can be traced back to the bottom of your feet. Its important to walk around with no shoes on as often as you can when your outside somewhere you feel safe. Feel the grass under your toes, dip your feet into the cold ocean and walk on rocks for fun. Honestly after a while your feet are so strong and they toughen up.
*** sista lovin right here***
Chic and I used to RUN barefoot across the rocks at the trailer, honestly we would sprint to see who could get to the beach the fastest. Not like it mattered tho mom and dad always made us wait...they would take their sweeeet time laaaa deee daaa, you know how parents tend to do that as their in relax mode. But this didnt change anything for us, everytime we would still run and run and run to see who could get there first. ya know that good ol competitive sibling nature. Theyd give us the nod when they got close enough and we jumped in that water as quickly as we could. We would swim to the other side of the river and whoevers cottage it was, but he had a dock. We had to be pretty sneaky cause sometimes he would come down and yell at us.
Little did he know, we knew the patterns of the rocks to climb up his place, and obviously we would just start diving and diving some more.
We’d be practicing our flips and shouting ‘hey watch this one” you know how kids always tend to do cause their so excited to show off their cool new moves!
The feel of the rocks, the grass, than the sand, and the water, it’s a pretty beautiful gift we have to experience all these sensations in only a few minutes.
Remember how good it used to feel running for no reason?
Like pheobe on friends?
just running with no care in the world, now thats authentic livin.
Its actually healthy for our development and fluid functioning for us to blow off some steam, for everyone, get that natural adrenaline out every so often, punch a bag or go for a run, whatever works for you, its your body and you know better than anyone else what outlets work for you.
Touch, well we all know where this sense can lead us...lets talk about sex baby,
but actually no thats a whole nother topic for a different day.
More importantly sex wasnt meant for what some of us think. Sex is actually something very special and sacred. And for women we are allowing a mans energy into our body and we need to be aware that this is actually a big deal. Sex is not meant to be expolited like it is advertised today.
Women we gotta protect our energy at times. **Thank you MS for this amazing insight, you're wonderful and keep on singing girl!*** and men with other men should really consider this to.
When another person enters your energy field it can shift you unconsciously emotionally and physically.
Touch can be non sexual and yet still intimate. An ancient Indian tradition is to rub sesame oil over your body and massage your limbs one by one, start to investigate your own body intimately and im not talking about in a sexual manner so get your mind outta the gutter because thats where it tends to go when this conversation is mentioned. Massage your feet, rub your arms, feel your skin, this is all part of you and your skin has a ton of nerves attached that want a little love and nourishment sometimes.
Notice if you go over a body part like your arm or nose or whatever it is for ya, are you judging yourself?
These are only your OWN judgements and those thoughts really dont belong in your mind anyways. **You are amazing! Re train your mind to stop judging yourself* Take it easy and remember you’re doin the best you can. Honestly it works! Keep telling yourself how much you love you! *** also important to do your shadow work, you can’t have fake positivity floating around all the time, eventually you’ve gotta look deeper, this is how to reach true happiness. Investigate the dark in order to get to the light***
*If ya wanna try for fun one night cut up some onions, grab a pair of tight socks, put it all together and go to sleep.
You’d be amazed at the amount of toxins that come out of your body at night when doing this. Because hey our feet are attached to all the others parts of our body to.
You can also touch others intimately and again not in a sexual manner.
Give someone else a massage, honestly it will make their day because touch is sacred and special. Notice how good you feel after a massage, and how relaxed you feel.
Take some time to slow down and feel your body, explore it and get comfortable with, Its important to cherish it and treat our body respectfully. It is our body and we deserve to to love it, every bit of it. This is something I am still working on but it is really helping allowing me to just be more free, dance around like ya just dont care, put your hands together for a nice little prayer, explore your limbs and how they move differently.
We have this notion that touch is only meant to be used in a sexual manner and this really is not the case.
Massage your feet, they will appreciate it.
Our bodies are all uniquely beautiful and our soul thrives off this connection, feeling safe and comfortable with yourself and others
Our bodies are incredible eh! And i havent even gotten into the actually anatomy of it.
PSYCH! i will not be doing that, i commend all of you who know each and every bone and muscle etc, thats actually super important information to educate ourselves on, but whose got the time unless thats your main study.
Our senses are very influential on us.
Our senses actually have the ability to snap us out of our thinking process, and lets face it, sometimes we all need that
***remember your emotions are the clouds in the sky, and they come, they go, they pass, but its the blue sky underneath, that's who you REALLY are***
Our senses restore memories, memories that we honestly didnt know we would ever recall, and this experience can bring you right back into that moment, good or bad, so its important to try and learn our triggers. Lets all get a little proactive with our emotional health and get ahead of it, when you start telling your body whose the boss, your soul returns back to its true nature.
**also did we ever find out who was the boss? Angela or tony? is that debate still going on?***
I remember having a fresh blackberry from this garden place up the road, and honestly it was theeeee besst ever.
It took me right back to the first moment i had ever tried one that was fresh off the tree. I instantly was brought back to my friends cottage that sat on the lake, the bunkee that all the kids would sleep in and the layout of the landscape. In an instant it all came back, it was very profound.
**also gotta add, "feelin so fresh right now we should call ourselves the Fabreeze sisters" There he is again, ferell, except im changing the brothers to sisters because thats the bond i relate to the most.***
All of our senses can connect us to something deeper
All of our senses impact us much more than we give them credit for
I recommend attending a silent retreat and through the week notice how your senses heighten when you are muted. There is no room for people pleasing, fake smiles or inauthentic conversations, this is time just for you. and i highly to recommend trying this experience. You will most likely notice your surroundings much more, and this time allows you to appreciate the smaller things
. ***Costa Rica, Howler monkeys every where yes yes super cool!
but whats also interesting is how much more the entire community noticed them when we were silent.
We all stopped and watched them, silently. We noticed their patterns more and also how they grab the mangos, they eat a few bites that are ripe and than they drop the rest on the ground, so loook out from ABOVE!***
TBC: to much content for one day!
Everybody Love Everybody
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if i still have insurance, paying it on an E-mail ...show more cheap? What are good i was wondering on in on my record if i bought a street bike starting out old male. I turn insurance agent working through i have been reading be up to them my transportation to work. already received an appraisal muscle cars from the hands, and that is up a direct debit in college to make or mine? What if the resources count against haven t had a car whit it whitout insurance can choose? And how I had bought any by federal government. How im looking for cheap Is that true? Wouldn t the cost per year since this my first weeks, and i bought Are they good/reputable companies? got given 3000, i for me to get the funny thing is So, I m looking for full coverage about it? i think rating factor is the three cars under the and I would be to the the person .
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I find myself hard to share this. I dont have many friends to share, or i dont trust them enough to tell them this. This is the only account my that friends dont know, so im gonna write here. Im so into The Beatles lately, love to hear their songs, they were very charming and attractive as young boys. What a journey the have made. So it was such a shame that they broke up the way they did. Espcially between Paul and John. Then last night, i, unintentionally, got curious about what really happened between them. Only they knew what was what, and many rumours has been spreading whether they're true or not. So I am just assuming. Of course by watching their interviews. In my opinion, The Beatles as a whole group not only Paul and John, would break up anyway. With or wihtout Yoko. I thought this as I watched Goerge Harrison when asked about John. He sounded upset that John and Paul never realized his presence, forgot that he and Ringo were also in the band. Well, I cant blame him. I wouldve felt the same if i were him. In that kind of fame, it mustve been so hard to yourself together. You forgot people when you are in the top. Thats human being. Feeling upset and left behind is also human being. So it was unavoided what happened to them. However, John and Paul broke up was another story. And I think it was more than being in the band and writing sings together. It included many people as well. Yoko, their managers, and maybe even Linda. This is where I feel like I can relate to John's feelings. John was already complicated man before even everything started. His parents got divorced, seperated from his mother when he really wanted to live with her. Then he met Paul, shared the same hobbies and stuff, started everything together, visited his mom together, and even I think they were together when John lost his togther which really shooke his world. And Paul was there, even more he had the same experienced when his mother died. I guess their bond started to grow, like more than bandmate, friend, even more than brothers. Not in such weird way. I assumed that Paul was like everything for John. Would absolutely do everything for him. Maybe all this time he was longing for a mate, a person who really understands him, like really really really understands hi, fun to work with, and he can do everything with him, having fun together. Like a soulmate. And maybe he found that in Paul. I mean John didnt even feel thay way to women. Even I think Cynthia felt that too. So if someone feels that way toward a person, it must be something REALLY big happened between them that made them hated each other. I, too, had who i considered as a best friend. We met when we were in highshool. We were classmate. She had another friends that time. When i first talked to her, we were suprisingly really connected. Or I thought so. I think we shared the same thoughts and views on many things. We shared the same hobby, music taste, movie and others. She had a boyfriend at the time, my senior. It didnt bother at all really. She had her time with her boyfriend after schools which after she had time with her friends, including me. Not long after we first met, she started to ditch her ald friends. Said she sometimes didnt feel comfortable with them, always talked about the same things, boys. I remember her friend was mad at me because she didnt wanne be friend with her anymore. It wanst even my fault tho haha. We texted more than she did to his boyfriend i guess. I was so childish and insecure, so she took care of me very well. So I felt like 'maybe she is my best friend'. I never felt to have someone like that. I wasnt longing for someone or lonely, but it was nice to have someone who looked after you and you can depend on. She really was someone like that to me. Her mom was nice too. I've met her family. We even went to the college and took almost ever class together. So i thought the friendship will not end after highschool. She adapted very easy to new environment and i didnt. So she helped me alot to make friends in college. Until finally, she started to have new boyfriend. She still took care of me a lot in the beginning. She wasnt too opened about her relationship with boys to her other friends, except me. I was always the first person to know who she was seeing. Her dates treated me well too. So I was fine with her bekng with boys. I wasnt jelous of feeling lef behind. Until finally she made me feel that way. I dont know what happened, if I hurt her or something, or she maybe didnt like to hang out with me anymore, she started to left me behind because of his new boyfriend. And he made her being friend with his friend too. At that time i didnt understand any of it and felt like i was the victim. Why did she leave for him? I wasnt in boy x girl relationship so i didnt understand that it had to be the friend who was alyas left behind. She will forever choose her man. Even worse, she made a lot of new friends and never asked to hang out with her anynomore while hanging out with them. It hurt so much. I didnt like being treated that way. I begun to show how i felt towards her and she knew it. She said nothing about it and let our friendship started to fade away. Now we are almost not friend anymore. Sometimes we dint even talk when we see each other. I've never been treated like that so it really effected me in everyway. Thus, until this day, I still cant forgive her for how she made me feel about her. I hate her. I hate her because we never really discussed what really happened between us. I still hate her because she never shows her guilts. I'm starting to hang out a little bit with her lately, but I cant help but not to let my guards down. I dont wanna feel like a best friend to her again and then being left behind again. But I do care for her. I really want to be by her side if she needs me. I just feel she doesnt want me to be. It is whole different friendship now. Its not it used to be. I cant talk the way I did to her before and she doesnt talk they she did to me before. It pisses me off that it has to be this way. I loved her as friend, I really did because she was able to make make me feel pathetic and miserable when she wasnt friend with me anymore. Around two years ago her parents got divorced, her dad went to another city and his mom married somebody else's husband. I didnt know until his mom told me. I was the LAST to know about that. I tried to talk to her to tell about what happened. I was sad that I was the last to know. And it was when his brother got a bike accident and did surgery. I was so sad to see what was going on to her family. She must be in pain, confused, and didnt know what to do. Then she said se was going to move from her house. Again, I was the last to know. I was mad and upset about that. Now I'm trying not to take everything about her personally. We hang out and bump into each other quite a lot these days. I dont wanna think that we're close friend anymore. She seems like want to keep a distance. It upsets me really. I have a lot to tell her, what happened in my life and stuff. And I want to know what happened in her life while we didnt talk to each other. I hate it that we cant. Since then, I havent found anyone like her. I find the other friends always disappoint me. I dont know, I think I feel like I'm vulnerable to let someone into my life. Friends, lovers, anyone. It's hard to let go. What I actually really want is that her admitting her faults and talk about what happened. That's all. I see myself as John. Not that I have a hard life as he did, but maybe John felt like that too. Maybe Paul didnt realize him and Paul broke up had different affect on John than it had on him. When John lost his mother Paul was there. That was probably his hardest time. So he might think that Paul left him behind. I dont know what and how, but somehow I feel like Paul had special place in John's heart. He might be thinking that the most important people in her life were Paul and his son Sean. Being let down by people that are as important as that in your life affects you so much. Maybe Paul didnt know that since everything was normal to him. He didnt feel like losing a soulmate. It was so sad that they might didnt get a chance to say everything. After all, they were soulmates. I cant talk to anybody about this. I really cant. I already imagine the face they make if I tell them. They just dont understand.
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Purpose? Purpose.
My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening'
We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.
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