every now and then i remember im somewhere on the aroace spectrum and i just kinda stop in my tracks and go 'huh!' and try not to sit on it for very long

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

Hey so nico I realise now that I copied way too many options from the ask game my apologies

If you have any, what are your special interests?

What are your most common stims?

Do you headcanon any characters as autistic? If you want, tell us why you headcanon them as autistic.

Do you find it easier to get along with other autistic people?

What kinds of things are sensory hell for you?

Are your friends and/or family accepting of your autism?

Do you enjoy hugs? Or are they sensory hell?

Tell us something about your special interest.

If you could have any item related to your special interest what would it be?

Are you generally a loud or quiet person?

What's something you find hard to do because of autism?

no problem i like to Answer Questions

what are you special interests:

i have two!!! the long-running one (ive had since i was 10 or so) is just like. fantasy stories? in general? epic fantasy first and foremost but it also bleeds into urban fantasy and more fantastical horror. this manifests mostly in writing, because the mechanisms of fantasy stories in particular capitivate me, so. writing them is fun. i am less unhinged about this one but still unhinged

the second one, which i am EXTREMELY unhinged over, is the magnus archives!!!!!!!! this special interest really only started to develop a few months ago but i know it will have its hooks in me for a very, very long time kjdhkdfg

most common stims:

listening to really loud music with a lot of Noises in it, sort of like shaking in place, hand flapping, making the motion to snap but like with all my fingers at once

headcanons:

jonathan sims, head archivist of the magnus institute, london !!!!!!! reasons: he canonically had a tendency to run away as a child (eloping), preferred books to making friends, has a very specific sense of humour others dont always get, often doesn't realize other people are joking, tends to show signs of low empathy but high compassion (not realizing people are upset, not knowing why they're upset, but wanting to help them Not Be Upset), likes things to be ordered & logical, tends to have rather black and white thinking at times/a strict (if admittedly... very strange) moral compass, and, most importantly: he is my skrunkly and i say so

i also hc Gansey from the raven cycle and Katniss from the hunger games as autistic! gansey mostly bc of vibes and parallels (the way he acts around most ppl vs his friends reminds me a lot of masking), and katniss bc of her horrible social skills, one-track mind, and. also vibes

do you find it easier to get along with other autistic people?

yes and no. other autistic people tend to be more understanding of the way i think and act, and we often share a lot of more Odd(TM) traits. but also. like . i have lived with an autistic person for over a decade (my brother). and i love him, he is my brother, but our needs as people are so incredibly clashing that it is hell to spend more than a few hours with him at a time. so yeah sometimes the answer is "yes" and sometimes it is "no" skdhfksdskdjf

sensory hell:

most noises? aksjhkdshf. just. yeah. most noises. also very light touches, they actively hurt. i also dont like the texture of velvet or anything with a strong smell.

are your friends/family accepting:

hmmm lets separate "friends" and "family" into 2 separate boxes there

friends: mostly ! sometimes they say/do stupid things abt it (like when my one friend got upset at me for losing speech and made it about her) but for the most part theyre fine.

family: dad? great. he and i think the exact same way (tbh hes probably autistic too). mom? ... sort of. only when my traits are convenient for her. rest of family? yeah mostly. they dont actually Know i dont think (except my cousin) bc no one's bothered to tell them, but theyre like "oh haha thats our nico, hes just really weird but it's fine".

hugs:

i am like a cat in that my preferences on any sort of touch change randomly at all times, but i ALWAYS need to be the one initiating it. if i want a hug, theyre great. if someone else tries to hug me without permission, i am going to bite them

tell us something about your special interest:

when season 5 of the magnus archives was begining production, it was the start of the pandemic and a bunch of people were starting up podcasts since they were bored. Alexander Newell (voice of martin, a soundscaper, and the director) was like "oh shit the microphones i need might get sold out, this is bad" (bc he had to get multiple microphones to every actor in season 5, needed backups, etc) so. he just. went (in person or online) to every single store in the country that sold them and bought EVERY SINGLE MICROPHONE OF THAT BRAND. like, he owned every single microphone of that brand in England except the ones people had previously bought. people were asking on podcasting forums "hey do you know where you can get these mics???" and he would read those and just be like. ha. hahahahahaha

if you could have anything related to your special interest, what would it be:

the official Rusty Quill "The Spiral" themed spiral notebook. 1 because i love the spiral, 2 because haha spiral themed spiral notebook, 3 because its so pretty, 4 because i have a notebook problem <3

also maybe the spiral or eye hoodie, the What The Ghost hoodie, the extended sounds of brutal pipe murder shirt, or the ex altiora shirt !! those all slap. but theyre more expensive skdhfksdfj

are you a loud or quiet person:

around new people? quiet as hell. when i'm tired? also quiet as hell. when im comfortable and not tired? pretty loud skdjfhkdhf

what's something you find hard to do:

remembering to do shit like brushing my teeth and eating 3 meels a day. also, stuff like making friends, knowing how to interact with people in what way, comforting people, etc.

This is like...sooo tmi so if you see me on a daily basis like,,,irl. Like at school. Pls dont read this.

Cw: weird mental health stuff/ me talking about low motivation

So basically its the time of year where my body just shuts down. My bones feel like lead, it takes forever for me to get out of bed, and I just generally feel like crap. I love winter but the physical toll its taking on me this year is actually driving me wild. I woke up this morning and genuinely couldn't move my arm for 10 minutes because my bones just feel so heavy. And my joints are getting worse too. I can hear my ankles and knees popping every single time I walk, but especially when I walk upstairs. And most of my classes are upstairs at school. And my immune system also gets weaker, and because of that my psoriasis gets worse. I literally just go to school and then rest.

And thats a problem because my parents both have a physical disability. So all the chores go onto me. But guess who can't do them because I'm fucking depressed and in physically pain constantly? Me. My back constantly seizes up and i literally needed my dads help throwing taking the trash out the other day. I can barely stand long enough to do a "simple" load of dishes. (Simple meaning one for the deep clean we do of our kitchen every 3 months. Its gross. I wish they would rinse their dishes out.)

And all of this is affecting my mental health really badly. This probably sounds gross but I'm just now taking a shower. Its been 3 weeks. And I know its not their fault, but one of my friends made an off-handed comment one day and that made me feel a million times worse. And I've been really snappy lately and I feel so bad about it constantly. And my mom and I think I was misdiagnosed with ptsd because I dont exhibit any symptoms and honestly never did. Autism and ptsd share symptoms and I just dont think I have ptsd from whats happened in my past. And my brother also thinks he may be autistic. Autism also runs in our family, so...yeah.

I also feel like shit because I haven't been taking as good care of our cats as I should be. I love them and want to see them happy, but my parents also refuse to help clean their litter boxes. And thats the big thing I struggle with. And one of our cats has been doing their business on the floor. No matter how many times we clean it up,she still does it. And its really irritating, but i also think she just...cant get into the box. She's like...12-13 and I've been trying to get my parents to buy better things for the cats. We have 4. And we dont even have a cat tree for them. And my cats love climbing. They would have so much fun crawling on a cat tree. And I cant do anything about it because im a highschool student who cant even get a job. I don't even have my drivers learners permit yet.

And that's another thing!! I honestly think my parents are done parenting. My brother went off to college, and everything fell onto me. And like I understand that my parents work hard and that they're older (mom is 54 almost 55 and dad is 52 almost 53) and they need to rest but god damn. Im still a child. Most people arent the sole cleaner, cooker, and pet caretaker. Most people my age don't make grocery lists for their parents. Most kids my age focus on their part-time jobs and school. They actually did stuff before my brother went to college. I just want them to understand how I feel about it. I like cooking and I dont mind cleaning, but it becomes a problem when im the only one doing it. And yeah, I get $50 in allowance every month, and I'm grateful that my parents are able to afford to give me that much, but my mom always pulls the "we give you allowance for chores,". Chores is things like un/loading the dishwasher, taking the trash out, cleaning litter boxes, making bed, ect. Not cleaning the entire trainwreck of a kitchen by yourself and trying to make sure the floor is clean before your friend comes over for the first time in months. They're not parenting anymore, and it makes me upset. I feel like im just a random person in their house. Genuinely, my mom spends more times working on her acrylic nails than actually parenting. And she wonders why I get so irritated with her. She says hi to the cat before she does me.

And I don't even know if my dad likes me anymore. I think im just another financial burden to them. Im just a depressed high schooler with chronic illness who can't even go to school everyday. I feel so useless. I dont even know if I want to go to college. I don't even know how I have friends. I'm not a nice person. I get mean and defensive really easily, and my teasing turns mean really quickly.

I don't know why I am this way. Am I cursed? Is someone even reading this? All I do is shut people out and listen to music. I don't know why I became so rude. I just want to be remembered. But at the same time, I don't think I'm worth remembering. I'm not exceptional at anything. Even my once okayish writing has gone down greatly. I used to get praise for my reading skills and now I can't even read a 300 page book.

I feel so gross and useless and im depressed. How worse can it get? Im also extremely paranoid. I constantly feel like people are judging my every move. Even when im alone in the shower. I still feel people watching me. I should've probably told my therapist about that when I was still in therapy but my dumbass didn't even think to talk about that. Just that oh i saw my friend. Oh i started public school again. You know what? No one cares. And I probably wasted my therapists time. And my dads. Having to drive me across houston just to see her. No wonder no one likes me. Im fucking irritating. Thats why I have 3 friends at school. And 3 friends out of school. And one of them doesn't talk to me anymore, and another lives out of city.

The other is wonderful and amazing and I want them to constantly be happy and comfortable but I cant do that at my house because my parents don't help. Im starting to realize im kind of like a live in cleaner. Thats all I ever do in my freetime. Cleaning up after my parents. My mom acts like shes 15 and my dad doesn't rinse his dishes.

Thats another thing. Along with them not really parenting anymore, I think they've given up on me. Specifically on trying to get me to school. I miss school about once a week to once every couple weeks because I have bad flare ups. As I'm typing this, I can feel my legs aching. It hurts. And it makes it hard for me to go to school like that. The last time I did my back starting seizing during UIL rehearsals. And I couldn't leave. But today was one of those days and I genuinely felt like crap. My dad just agreed and didn't argue. Normally he argues with me about it because "I need to suck it up and do what the rest of us do.". I understand that everyone hurts and has bad days, but I genuinely get so bad during those days. And everyday has been one of those days for the last 6 months. But my parents don't really discipline me. They don't track my every move. They dont even make grocery lists anymore. Or really go to the store often. But our fridge and pantry is filled with a bunch of junk. Leftovers, empty foods that need to be thrown away, and literally so much more.

My mom is also a hoarder and constantly buys new things for herself. Like with her nail stuff. Im glad shes got something going for her outside of work, but why does she need 50 different glitters? I guess one could argue that im the same way with paints, but I dont leave my paints all over the living room area. And she literally has so much clothing. And most of it is on her floor. Its almosy unwalkable and I constantly stumble in her room. And our garage is filled with mostly her stuff. Clothes, old books, even her teacher stuff. Why does she have so much??

It irritates me because she'll say she doesn't have money for something, such as a cat tree, but then buy like...$200 worth of clothes and makeup at walmart, when we could've bought groceries and a cat tree with that. She just...irritates me idk.

Anyways, yeah. I think this is long enough for now. Goodmorning, goodnight, good...whatever idfk. Remember to drink water and eat something.

i want to edit the monster high wiki so bad rn. i dont know how to suggest an edit on it, but i want to change frankies pronouns so bad. someone on twitter, when i mentioned this, said "well their pronouns are only they/them in g3. the others are she/her until writers say so" to which i say fuck you? lol. if they were changed on the site to they/them, it would be relevant to the current iteration as well as the past since

A. in my opinion it feels like MH canon is similar to that of Doctor Who rather than something like MLP, in that the doctor's look changes every so often but theyre the same person, but in MLP they make literally brand new ponies lol. like some share the same name but its not even trying really, anymore at least, to change who those ponies were. theyve got entirely different personalities and backstories, which straight up is NOT how MH is lol all of the characters have the same at least Basic lore even if theyve retconned things from the books or the movies or if some of the dolls arent canon, theyre still the same characters through and through.

B. they/them are flat out neutral pronouns. even if g1/g2 frankies were Strictly she/her, there are two of them are they not? in that case, if every MH gen character change is a new person, and they all Share a single wiki page, there are multiple of them.

C. Frankie is LITERALLY made out of multiple different people.

but also when i looked at this persons account and tweets and stuff there was a good chunk of them agreeing w someone who was saying "FRANKIE DOESNT KNOW WHAT A HIGH FIVE IS BUT KNOWS WHAT A *PRONOUN* IS ?!?!" which is such bullshit lol. based on that logic you can conclude one more of these 3 things. (of which the first is Literally canon in a couple of different ways)

1. Frankie can fucking speak fluent English. as soon as 15 days old. In the books, it's said that that's due to their dad uploading new information into their brain daily, I'm sure a basic fucking building block of the English language is included in that. And according to the first person i mentioned, frankie's brain is made up of pieces from multiple different great deceased scientists that fucking know grammar which brings me to point 2

2. as a lot of other people on that tweet were also saying, a lot of those scientists werent alive while the high five was invented (the 70s). thats also not necessary info their dad would upload to their brain for them to be able to integrate smoothly into high school.

3. Frankie hasn't learned a lot of social cues yet in their little time not just being alive but actually Being in society. high fives for young children are common knowledge because of what also? media bro. fucking tv, and i dont think a typical part of frankie's education is from television dude.

4. similar to the last point, maybe if frankie DOES have a part of the brain of someone from the late 70s and on, they just dont understand social cues and they have AUTISM. think about that. stew on that, chew on that. frankie has autism and they Know of high fives but when they see someone idk HITTING someone else they dont know what to think of it. its weird to them and they dont understand and thats not what they thought a high five actually was.

anyways thats my justification for retroactive they/them on Frankie, and that's all even disregarding the fact that if they're the same person theyve always been, as i alluded to in point A, if theyre Now in the canon coming out/changing their pronouns, they should retroactively be referred to by those pronouns. [good people] dont deadname and misgender trans people just because theyre talking about them at a point before their coming out. i dont talk about You in the past tense and refer to your current self as being a baby lmfao.

People always get so offended when I tell them that I’m allowed to call myself an idiot/dumb/whatever but theyre not allowed to call me that and then get mad at me if i call them out on it while playing games oe whatever (not abt the rpc this is abt the rl ex friend lol) and im just like;;; we might share autism but heres the thing, I’m allowed to call myself an idiot bc i live with myself. You’re not allowed to insult me because a: its rude, and b: you’re literally calling me an idiot due to my not having a sense of direction and play styles due to my disabilities.

The very fact people STILL dont understand why insulting someone for their disabilities, or flat out saying ‘your lack of attention just proves youre the worse xx player ever!!’ is literally just ableism and offensive is why i have trust issues and am tired of other people. I am allowed to joke about my problems because I have to live with them, and in manyways yes I am just an idiot, like how I was an idiot for not realizing that a grown ass man one month younger than me always relying on me to pay for shit to do w him, guilting me out of things i want to do because he decided it was stupid, insulting half the shit i liked saying it and anyone who enjoys it is stupid, regularly using the R-slur when something dumb is done/happens (ableism aGAIN), refusing to get a license because he ‘doesnt feel like it’, doesnt even try to get a job anymore after a few rejections (which, I’ve applied hundreds of places and never even received a rejection, so im starting to wonder the validity of those statements too) and saying its because his mother wants to force him into one, abusing his siblings by screaming at them and gaslighting them constantly, but I’m the idiot and the asshole because I’m disabled, or I don’t always think first before soing things (which has led to my doing shitty or stupid things, but I have the remarkable capability of admitting when I was wrong unlike these fuckheads who, when you flat out explain in detail what they did wrong, claim youre gaslighting and abusing them when youre telling them its inappropriate and wrong to guilt trip, be ableist, insult others intelligence, and ignoring when people ask you to stop, and all the times he joined my streams and would use my birth name after I asked him not to and to use my pen/alias, always accounting it to ‘forgetting’ but after 30+ times of being told, its no longer forgetting, like thats just putting unnecessary risk and ignoring personal preferences. I won’t even go into all the bitchfits about ‘gender discussion’ or anything because it still makes me sick and gave me severe imposter syndrome for my body dysmorphia.

Respect the disableds wishes, We should not have to explain this to you. Basic human decency should just be a given, and someone telling you in detail why what youre doing is wrong, and ignoring it and repeating it again (I’ve told him before that insulting me, calling me names, and otherwise hurt my feelings and I don’t want to risk any relapses. He ignored these and continued, he’d screencap my making mistakes and putting bad things in the wrong chat, and when I would apologize for what I did when I was wrong, he’d still hold it over my head and claim I suicide baited when I didn’t. I say whats happening and assume its fine since i was always there for him when he needed me, even after he actualy suicide baited me by claiming my using a joke on him he repeatedly used on me made him suicidal and that i owed him an apology, ive literally been walking on eggshells for years and finally not having him in my life has actuallybeen so much more freeing than I ever thought it would be. )

Disabled people are very often the centerfold of abusive relationships because we’re so used to the mistreatment that its almost a fucked up comfort, we feel like our complaining about mistreatment is us ‘overreacting’ because the able bodied constantly convince us it is. That we’re always the problem whether we make mistakes or do something bad and that our apologies are always fake and wrong, but when people do horrible things to us we’re not owed an apology, rather we always owe them. It’s fucked up and wrong, and honestly exhausting. We’re not punching bags to make the able bodied feel better about themselves. Whats fucked up is hes also autistic, and should know better, but is so self possessed that all the friendships hes lost and regained over the years have never been his fault, he was always ‘being abused’ by everyone, everyone somehow is always in love with him and gaslighting him, and ive come to terms with the fact its a mental fuck up of a self centered individual so narcissistic that he cant handle the idea hes ever in the wrong.

If I talkedabout this to people, they would claim I was in the wrong for not worrying about his feeings more or ‘putting up with it because it helps him feel better, he goes through a lot at home’. Being treated shittily doesnt give you a free pass to abuse your supposed friends. His dads a piece of shit and his mom (who honestly was an amazing person as far as I saw and his siblings would talk about. but he personally always claimed she’d turn into a monster randomly for saying he should get a job or try to succeed in life, and for applying for jobs for him that e purposefully failed the interviews for. These are the exact reasons he’d bitch about her, and occasionally because he’d overhear hee claiming he was wasting his life, which is horrible to hear but still does not excuse insulting your friends, belittling their success, insulting them for their disabilities, and going through your friends for supply and then dumping them and ‘accepting them back after they apologize’ whenever you need more validation. My family life is fucked to high heaven and I still try to be kind to people, I still try to educate people, and I still do my best even if I fuck up. And when I fuck up, I own up to it and apologize. Something people always ignore and pretend never happened, because to them the disabled are incapable of apologies.

Stop talking over us, stop treating us like shit, and stop purposefully hurting us, our feelings, insulting us, and using us to make you fee better. We are not punching bags, we are real people with real issues and all your shitty behavior does is add to it.

can i hear some phineas and ferb autistic headcanons? would make my day :)

HELL YEAH!!! sorry this is delayed i was rlly tired this weekend for no reason sdgjdhgdfg (this is more analysis than headcanon at points but ill try to work in headcanons too)

phineas, ferb, candace, baljeet, and doof are definitely autistic so i’ll focus on them. i also like irving and maybe isabella being autistic but those five are Definite

phineas and doof also have adhd and candace is comorbid with Something Else but since i project my mental health onto her i need to figure out what im comorbid with first lol

ferb is partially nonverbal which is obvious but he does have strong passions and feelings, he just expresses them sort of clinically and straightforwardly.

even phineas struggles with complex emotions and usually just focuses on positivity, because really dire situations can make him have a legit meltdown if he processes them (summer belongs to you, night of the living pharmacists, etc). some emotions are just easier to work with than others yknow? and you subscribe to a certain outlook and when things dont fit with that outlook you panic.

phineas is also really bad at reading people and thats why he never gets isabellas crush on him or that candace wants to get him in trouble.

phineas and ferb make their own stim toys, and have definitely gone above and beyond. a giant castle made of sparkly slime, the world’s longest tangle toy, a 100-sided fidget cube, infinite chewing rings where your teeth never leave marks so you can chew on them forever...they can share with every neurodivergent kid in the area. honestly i wanna write a fanfic where they make an autism-based theme park with this sort of stuff!

the gelatin episode was basically just them pursuing the sensory goodness of bouncy jelly

candace is very secretive abt her autism even tho she stims a lot and, like, sits in certain ways for optimal comfort and such, and her special interests in busting her bros/her boyfriend/ducky momo/certain bands/etc are Very Obvious. but her friends support and love her even tho shes insecure and they sometimes struggle for a while to adjust to her needs.

her brothers rlly want her to be more confident but its difficult bc theyre the savants and everyone loves them bc they have a productive creative special interest in building and being imaginative but she just gets so easily distracted so she feels less productive :(

(also i like the idea of stacy being autistic too which is why she’s sometimes late to the punch observing things and has a similar inferiority complex as candace and they totally bonded over these issues)

candaces whole ‘busting’ obsession is very much about her obsession with rules and order and keeping thing predictable and under control, though as the show progresses she warms up to her brothers’ behavior because it is, in its own way, predictable

candace rlly struggles with being seen as an Adult because shes been infantilized her whole life due to her emotional issues, and she still doesnt rlly know what being an adult truly entails outside of controlling her younger siblings, she copes a lot with her childhood passions and aesthetics since its easier than changing with the times. but once she has to get to college and everything then she adapts well and as we see turns her passions into a successful law career!

baljeets special interest in math is obvious but also he struggles a lot with expressing his emotions too, he has his own routines both in scheduling and the role-playing nature in his dynamic with buford, and tends to find things funny that nobody else does because of his niche interests

doof isnt diagnosed but perry knows how to accommodate his symptoms bc theyre similar to how candace, phineas, and ferb can behave at times, ie being socially clueless, needing to rehearse things, having narrow interests and passions they can focus on for hours, etc.

also doof does raptor hands a lot to the point its lampshaded

i can see doof having a lot of stims and doing a lot of stimmy things without realizing it, i think he chews on things sometimes for instance. he gets overstimulated easily and it gets him really pissy (theres always so much noise and light outside his building) so he needs something to ground himself which is why the routines with perry help.

everyone on this show is so routine oriented, like, its mostly a meta joke but everybody has a certain way they say things, theres a basic structure for how their day has to go and if it doesnt follow that structure they panic. baljeet has his color coded schedule in the most obvious example, phineas and ferb have their catchphrases and need to create one big new thing every day, candace has busting, doof has his dynamic with perry, etc. any time these routines are disrupted they notice and it feels very Off to everyone.

big long rant under here just about Joel and things... 

I was so close to reaching out again, I really think I should but I’m scared... I’m scared of what I’d do if it goes badly, like... I nearly killed myself twice over this, and idk... even with the support of my friend, I feel like I wont make it a third time. 

It’s clear that theres a big miscommunication between us. I honestly thought he meant forever, he didnt mean temporarily like he claimed in his rant, he meant never talk about yakuza to him ever, and I extended that to all my previous and future and other hyperfixations. I honestly thought he wanted me to stop info dumping and sharing my opinions and love for whatever Im hyperfixated on.... almost like thats exactly what happened before with another group of friends that he knew about, and knew how much it hurt me and was triggering for me but whatever. He never communicated anything about how he was doing beyond maybe saying he was stressed, how was I supposed to know all the bad shit that was going on in his life if he wouldnt fuckin tell me?! riddle me that! I think he only mentioned one thing about something to do with his apartment app being sent to the wrong place or submitted wrong or something like that, and he mentioned how much the movers costed. I only found out about his family when he got mad at me about my hyperfixation stuff, and I respectfully really slowed down and calmed down and even made a completely separate thing just so I could respect him and the boundaries he set but ookkkaayyy.... Like yeah, I know I’m not the best at communicating either, but at least I tried... Also, he fuckin clearly knows nothing about hyperfixations and what they are, I tried explaining once but I’m not the best at language, but like... theyre not coping mechanisms, it has nothing to do with mental illness, I wasnt dumping my mental health on him or whatever. Hyperfixations are just something I do as someone (Im almost certain is but never got tested) on the autism spectrum. its part of my personality and always has been?? Its really only something I do to people I trust and feel comfortable with because well... it made me loose all my friends in the past so now Im very closed off about it. I also do it on the internet but thats different.  I even 99% of the time restrained from talking about my TC hyperfixation because I just didnt think he was interested in that stuff and didnt want to hear about it and I didnt want to trigger him. Id tell him some small things sometimes if I just really wanted to tell someone about it, and id always make sure he was okay with me telling him about it before I told him.... Not that he ever really seemed to care about anything I told him... Also, hated how he acted like he himself isnt petty when like...the only way he couldve seen anything he talked about, hed have to go months through tweets or posts just to find anything.... alright... also hes done a fuckton of petty stuff, like yeah I can be petty at time but dont act like youre not or youre above it. Also, like the reblogs werent guilt trip things?? Im sorry I wanted to fuckin express my feelings on my own personal blog???? thats honestly how I felt because I have fuckin bad depression, and trauma??? especially when it comes to discussing my interests??? He was the only person I talked a lot to about my hyperfixations, and so like.... of course I felt isolated and alone and like I had no one to talk to, because he was the only one and he never shared the same amount of interest in it (because hes neurotypical) and I just felt like I was annoying him and he couldnt relate so even tho I was messaging him about it, I still felt alone and like I had no one to talk to about it that could relate or anything like that. I legit had one friend, of course I felt alone. I honestly would like to apologise about how sometimes Id say lame or nerd or something like that after youd share stuff you liked, they were always meant as jokes, and im sorry if they didnt always come off as them. I shouldve specified they were or said jk jk all the time or something like that. I guess my stupid brain just always thought you knew as well?? theyre not very funny jokes anyways, and Im sorry... not that theres anyway you can see this... i dont think? theres still a lot I feel and want to say, but this is long enough already and I want to play stardew valley and i know you wont see this so like... whats the point besides getting my personal venting out

Autism Acceptance Month Days 20-24

OKAY SO IM THE WORST XD I had typed a couple of these days up but forgot to actually schedule them... so heres another giant post... im sorry >.<

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming? I mean, I kinda talk about my stimming a lot on this blog already (ya know, stim bin...) and i'm kinda too tired to actually say anything about the individual stims themselves... all i can really say is that when it comes to stimming, i want people to know that it's normal and neccesary for me! don't shame people for stimming :c also i do have a ton of stim toys... joon and i really need to post our collections on here lol

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers okayyyyy so this took way more thinking then I would like to admit because a lot of the time i dont look at yall's urls... i go off of the profile pic (or the general colours of your profile pic which is even worse...) or i know you by the content but not the url -_- ANYWAY some of my faves are (in no particular order): @butterflyinthewell - thank you for all the content and videos you post!!! i have nbeen able to learn a lot about autism through your content and have been able to use your videos to communicate things to NTs when I couldnt communicate what i wanted to say myself!) @autie-jake - thank you for making these prompts!!! i also enjoy all of your blogs content, it always makes me smile!) @autistickeely - i really enjoy the stuff you post and reblog, it gives me a lot of good reminders and positivity on days when i really needed it >.< I loved seeing your post recently (is it from today??? tumblrs concept of time is weird) about your comfort items! made me hug my stuffies real tight ^-^ @frogitivity - okay i love all the stuff you post (and i initially followed for the frogs lol!) but i gotta say i love the whole #bug talks tag! i love the fact that you share videos and such of your stimming and stuff too!! @undiagnosedautismfeels - since i am undiagnosed, i love scrolling this blog to help me remember that i do belong here and am autistic which is very very important to me >.< @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses - can i really make a autistic shout out post without shouting out Autistic Icon Gaud?? No I cannot. Seriously, tho, their blog is hilarious, gaud... thanks for simultaneously weirding me the fuck out and making my fucking day with every single post you have XD ((i also now realize that im not sure if we actually follow all y'all on stimbin here.... i follow you guys from my personal tumblr lmao but ill make sure to follow if we haven't already on this blog XD))

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand? recently I'm struggling a lot with the fact that i need to tell people i cant talk. I'm usually very verbal but when i get burnt out, socializing is the first thing to go lol. So unless you're my person or I come to you first, I Do Not Want To Talk. And in fact, its usually extremely exhausting and honestly pisses me of very quickly which is something i'm currently trying to figure out how to tell people because when I tell people i just dont want to talk, they get offended and im not sure why. I think it's because I am usually talkative (obviously... have you seen my posts...) so when I'm not talkative people get worried and talk to me more... which,,, thank you for caring but also you're making it worse??? please someone help i have no idea how to express this to people >.< those who know (and accept...) im autistic have no issues with giving me space but those who dont know or dont believe me when i say im autistic (or those who dont know how it affects me...) dont seem to get it and just get mad at me. this is a social rule im having an issue with because it always got me in a Lot of trouble as a kid and even recently (maybe 2-3ish months ago??) my old manager got very hurt because i told her i just didnt want to talk that day and thats why i was quiet, but not to worry about me, i just needed some time/space & she was very hurt by that and kept bringing it up so i'm just really not sure how to do this....??? its very much a me thing and has nothing to do with you, so why do people get all upset, offended, mad at me, and ridicule me for not wanting to talk to them???? help /.\

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they? Honestly, I know that I do but I can't currently think of any. They usually stem from masking/forced masking growing up so I don't really consciously think about them any more? its just a survival tactic from growing up. Like you know, don't rock in front of people, don't do this, don't do that, etc etc. I literally can't think of most things right now because I kinda block them out??? I should probably work on that. Can't help myself from getting out of the trauma mindset if I don't even know what I'm avoiding! The only like neutral/positive rule I can think of right now is that I really don't like my food to touch. Like, there are certain things I will mix, but if I can avoid things touching on my plate, I absolutely will. does that count as an internal rule? i think so lol

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel? to me... the autistic community is very important. If you made it this far in the post, you’d know just from my few little shout outs, community means a lot to me. I'm not necessarily one to wrap up my identity in my labels (as i talked about in my first post of days 1-5 cuz like this post... i missed some days -_-) but I enjoy having the label because it helps me to realize im not alone in my struggles, and my accomplishments can also be shared with a wonderful community. There's always something to be said about the importance of having people who share your interests and/or experiences, and it's amazing that i can just search into the actuallyautistic tag and find so many relatable posts and amazing people who i can relate to in even a small way. I thank everyone who has ever posted or reblogged something into the actuallyautistic tag for giving me such a comforting sense of belonging. Love all you guys >.<

Don’t feel self conscious about writing sick fics! I feel like that last post was probably mostly a joke but I also just wanted to let you know I love your fics and think you’re a great writer!! I’m so excited whenever you post a new one, I’m not really even in the Pokémon fandom but I read all your Pokémon fics bc they’re so good!!

i’m very much not joking fdfdghfh like because of the way my autism works, i just really don’t care about enjoying new things. i don’t get “bored” with certain concepts/topics, my love for them is everlasting, so while a lot of people fandom hop or have a lot of interests, i’ve found quite a few that i’m just!!! content to bask in forever. pokeani is one of them, obv! sometimes its really difficult for me to relate to other folks, because media recommendations ultimately end with me disappointing them as i just cant bring myself to focus on other stuff. but for the most part i am really happy to have my one thing that makes me happy like, there is never a void in my life because i can always turn to the thing.

and sickfic is the same way!!!!!! this one singular fanfic trope has me enraptured and it feels good to make and write and read and experience!!! and i love the whump/sickfic community because i know thats... totally fucking normal??? there are tons of authors who only write sickfic and whump. of all kinds! this is literally, like, a normal thing. some of em are kinking out, some of em aren’t, some of em are a weird in between (like me, im like 40% kinking out i’d say) but we’re all just into this one narrative structure.

but even tho it’s normal, i get insecure sometimes because i wrote the highest-rated rocketshipping fic on ao3. when you sort by bookmarks, hits, comments, and kudos, i wrote the #1 rated story. and that praise is all deserved! i am so proud of that story, it was my dream to write it and i did and im such a fan of it, now that it is no longer mine and i have given it to my readers. 

and its that pride that makes me a little sheepish about spending all my time now........ writing 17 fluffy little oneshots about the same thing over and over. i have this constant ghost haunting me making me feel like people are expecting me to write DTE 2 electric boogaloo. like they’re waiting for me to write something profoundly beautiful again. and some of my oneshots are that, but most of them are just me writing something that Isn’t That Deep for my own benefit, and sharing those stories with whos’ interested. truly i am just vibing.

so i made a kinda vulnerable very jokey post about “oh no, this fetish isn’t relatable at all!” and someone who is not at all a hater and has had a lot of sweet interactions with me on here left a comment that got under my skin about how i need to “branch out.” i was already mega insecure about people expecting More from me, and it made me feel like complete shit. i ended up just blocking them, because i really dont feel like trying to get in their head. it sucked. i DID branch out, my debut was out of my comfort zone and i stayed out of my comfort zone for TWO YEARS because i could not write DTE in my comfort zone. my comfort zone is not a multichapter, not a sprawling story, not something big and beautiful and stitched carefully together with hard work. i spent two years outside of my comfort zone, and it was a wonderful experience and now i’d like a nap.

ANYWAYS, thank you so much for taking the time to send this message and sorry for venting a lot on your sweet words, lmao. i need to remember that for every person who makes me feel like shit, there are tons more who like, legitimately like everything i put out and dont have those expectations i place upon myself. the fact that you are not even in this fandom but still read my work, like... sdfgsdfgd. i don’t deserve people like y’all but i’m so happy you’re here, anyways.

Hi I hope this is ok to talk about here sorry if not. I don't know if I can say I was abused as a kid because I got hit and stuff but it wasn't that bad and I'm autistic which made me a difficult kid to deal with so that makes it ok. I told my partner about it and she was upset about it, she said it was wrong what happened to me but I couldn't tell her everything. I keep getting scared a lot sometimes out if no where like I did when I got locked in my room and my dad was gonna do bad stuff. 1/5

My partner says a lot of things I dont understand. She says it’s ok for me to talk about and express how I’m feeling. But that usually makes me scared because before it got me hurt. With my partner the rules are different I know this because we stim together but I’m not allowed to do that elsewhere otherwise people will know its ok to hurt me. And also because sometimes I infodump and then realise and say sorry and wait for her to hit me but she never does and says it’s ok 2/5

I know I am very lucky and don’t deserve to have a partner like her. She is nice to me and I like being close to her I thought I didnt like touch but her touch is nice and makes me feel safe. My mum says I am not good and will scare her off soon. I don’t want to do that but it makes me sad and scared that I’m gonna lose her eventually. I don’t like the scared feelings all the time. 3/5

I don’t understand a lot of things but my partner says thats ok and she says its ok if I get scared and want reassurence but I think asking for reassurence is a bad thing and that makes me very confused. She has her own stuff to deal with and i feel bad she’s has to deal with me. I want to support her and make her feel good but she always seems to have to be supporting me. She shouldn’t have to support me I should be able to support her. She said she loves me and I really don’t deserve that 4/5

And I’m scared I’m not good for her. Because shes ace and I’m not and I don’t want to do the thing anyway because it is scary and doesn’t sound fun but my body does and that makes me think maybe I’m bad and dont actually respect her. I don’t like that my body reacts in that way it feels horrible. But I want to respect her and I really want to support and make her feel safe like she does for me. But what if I’m like my dad and hurt her? I love her and don’t want to hurt her 5/5

Hi Anon,

It is 100% ok to send us askslike this.  There is a lot here so I’m goingto try to address just one thing at a time, and hopefully I won’t miss anythingin the process.  If anything seemsconfusing, feel free to write back and ask questions.

About whether or not you can say you wereabused: If you were hit sometimes, it’s considered abuse.  I did a search to check, and abuse is definedas the cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.  The example is "a black eye".  Even being hit a single time is enough to call it abuse,if you want to.  If you would rather notuse that word because of how other people react to it, or you just don’t likeframing the experience that way, that’s okay too.

About being autistic andits influence on your parents: Being autistic does not make itokay to hurt you.  Being a difficult kid withor without autism does not make it okay. I assume your parents have tried to justify their abuse of you bytelling you how difficult you were as a kid. Please know, that is just an excuse and nothing more.  It is not justification.  They know it’s not a good reason, but theywill fall back on it because it makes them feel better.  It is never okay to hit children.  

About what you can orcan’t tell your partner: Why could you not tell your partnereverything that happened to you?  Was it likea real-world time constraint that prevented it, or more like you weren’tready?  It’s okay to take as much time asyou need to open up to people at your own pace, and hopefully you will havemany more chances to talk in the future.

About getting scaredwithout having a clear reason to be scared: You might want toconsider seeing a counselor or therapist, if those services are available inyour area.  Or you could call ahotline.  It is possible that you’reexperiencing spontaneous flashbacks or that something is triggering you withoutyou realizing what it is.  Aftertraumatic events like what you described, it’s common for people to take a longtime processing it, and those feelings can be as strong today as they wereyears ago.  This is a normal response.  

About being scared totalk about and express how you’re feeling, and the rules for differentrelationships: It is understandable that you would feel afraid to do things thatusually ended up getting you hurt.  It’s okayto feel that fear and recognize it, while at the same time understanding that,at least with your partner, you are safe. It’s great that she’s able to give you this open place to talk aboutanything.  But also, it’s okay if you don’twant to talk about everything just yet. You can decide what to share, and how much you share, when you’re ready.

About where you are andare not allowed to stim: Unless you are seriously harming yourself or beingparticularly disruptive, it should be okay to stim in most places.  Also, you are allowed to stim anytime, anywhere,no matter what age.  It is notillegal.  People may find it annoying,but you are still allowed to do it.  Of crouse, it is usually less awkward to find a place you feel more comfortable.

About signaling topeople that it’s okay to hurt you: Stimming is not a signal thatwelcomes abuse.  There is nothing youcould do to signal to someone that it’s okay to hurt you, short of telling themword-for-word that it’s okay, or making a sign that says it and showing people that sign.  I will assume herethat this is another thing your parents taught you, to try to get you tocontrol your stimming more.  The vastmajority of people would never even think of hurting someone just forstimming.  Bullies and teenagers are theexception.

About expecting to behit: When you are used to being hit in the past, it makes sense thatyou would expect that to continue with different people.  It will take time to get used to the new wayof doing things, and hopefully you will get to the point where you don’t expectto be punished for things like infodumping. You can take cues from your partner and work on apologizing less for talkingabout your interests.

About being lucky andbeing deserving: Your partner does sound great and I’m so glad you’ve been luckyenough to find them.  It’s wonderful thatyou feel so safe with your partner.  But Iwant you to know that being lucky and being deserving are two completelyseparate things.  You are absolutelydeserving of a great relationship and partner. There may have been times in the past when you were single and not solucky, but you were always deserving.

About your mom’snegative comments: It is really unkind of your mom to say things like that toyou.  You are good enough.  This seems like another way that your parentsmight be trying to control your behavior. It is also a form of verbal abuse. Your mom should be happy for you having this good person in your life.  Trust that your partner will let you know ifsomething’s wrong.  Everyone outside ofthe relationship gets No say in whether you are or are not enough for yourpartner.

About asking forreassurance: Asking for reassurance is hard for a lot of people, because wearen’t used to seeing it happen, don’t know how to go about it, or just feellike we should be more independent.  Somepeople confidently go through life never doubting themselves, and good forthem.  But for the rest of us, it’scommon to wonder if we’re doing the right thing, saying the right words,behaving ‘correctly’.  And it’s just ascommon to feel self-conscious about voicing those concerns out loud, because then we’redrawing attention to the behavior we’re self-conscious about.  But asking for reassurance is a great way tobuild your confidence, and your partner has given you an open space in which todo it.  Each time we ask, and get thatpositive reinforcement that things are okay, we can put good points towardwhatever behavior it was that we were concerned about.  Over time they will build up until we feelconfident that it’s okay to keep doing it without feeling so much doubt andanxiety.

About guilt and support:It’s great that you want to be there for your partner, and you’reprobably doing things that make her feel good that you don’t even realize.  It’s true that everyone has their own issues todeal with, but it sounds like she’s got a good handle on things.  The best thing you could do for her wouldjust be to let her know that you’re available to talk to about whatever shemight be struggling with.  And then lether come to you when she’s ready.  Likeall of us, she is making her own decisions, which means that if she didn’t likebeing there for you, she could choose to stop. She doesn’t ‘have’ to deal with you. She chooses to, because she cares about you and wants to invest timeinto your relationship.  Hopefully she isalso taking care of herself, and that might be one way you can return hersupport: ask her if she needs anything, or if she’s taking enough time to restand eat.  If she says she’s doing good,trust her.  You don’t have to check onher every day, but just occasionally checking in can still mean a lot.

About deserving love: We kindof already went over this but here’s a friendly reminder: You DeserveLove!  You have always deserved love andyou always will deserve love.  One goodway to respond to being told that someone loves you is to let that person know how you care for them as well.  Loveshouldn’t make you feel guilty or like you aren’t good enough.  When she tells you she loves you, it is agift purely to make you happy and reassure you of her feelings.  You can accept the gift without worry.  

About being attracted to,and respecting, someone who is ace: The attraction your body feelsis completely independent of your ability to respect your partner.  We cannot control feelings of physical attractionany more than we can control feeling hungry or tired.  It’s all hormones and chemicals in thebrain.  It’s okay to have thosefeelings.  What matters is what you chooseto do about them.  You are respecting herso long as you always communicate before doing something together.  When it comes to physical acts, consent is #1.  Anything short of an enthusiastic ‘yes’ is nota good enough answer, because if they aren’t enthusiastic about it, it’s probablynot going to be enjoyable.  Talk to herand find our what things you both would enjoy doing.  You might discover that even with her beingace, she could enjoy doing a whole range of different things that aren’t sex.  Everyone is different.  If those aren’t enough, you still have a lot of options.  You might consider learning about ways tosatisfy yourself, or polyamory, or changing the relationship to a platonic oneso that you can search out a partner who wants the same things.  It’s clear that you don’t want to lose her,so look at ways the relationship can evolve. People change all the time, and if we want relationships to continue, weoften have to communicate ways to change the relationship too.

About behaviors we learnfrom our parents: You might have picked up on a pattern throughout all this, aboutthe choices we make.  You care so deeply,and you’re very aware of the ways in which your parents hurt you in thepast.  The fact that you are so concernedabout not repeating their mistakes shows that you’re going to work hard to makesure you do the right thing.  If you havenever hit anyone in the past, you’re unlikely to start now.  And if you begin to see your behaviorbecoming more like your parents’, pause.  Take a step back and think about what you cando to change those behaviors.  You get todecide what kind of person you will be in the future, and what kind of partneryou’ll be.  You are capable of makingdifferent choices than your parents did. I fully believe you will choose to be lovingand kind.

Good luck!

-Miss Fay

I got PTSD from church when I was young and I want to talk about it via /r/atheism

I got PTSD from church when I was young and I want to talk about it

So this is something that's been very personal to me, something I have never revealed about me and shakes me to my core when I have to think or even talk about it, But this seems like the only place where people will understand my pain, Every therapists I talked over the years was religions in some manner and just told me that being scared of god was good and thats the fear of god that I'm supposed to feel. This is why I dont see therapists anymore because I cant seem to find one that doesnt see things from my point of view. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2008.

I have developed PTSD from being told when I was 8 years old in church that the end of time was near and soon when it happens every person on earth will have their heads chopped off instantly, Imagine hearing that at 8 years old and being fucking terrified that thinking that at any moment I could instantly have my head cut off.

It was just a typical day in church but on this day my mom didnt let me go in the back with the kids after worship, you know that thing where churches bring the younger kids and teens in the back while the preacher preaches, Well there I was 8 years old being forced to sit up front by my mother so I can listen to the "word of god". The preacher was ranting on and yelling about the end times over and over and she kept going over how when it happens every person will be beheaded by the lords angels in an instant. After I heard this I had this overwhelming feeling of fear like there was nothing I could do, I felt my stomach drop and I felt frantic and looking for any escape. I rushed to the church bathroom and balled my eyes out and holding my hands together praying and praying and begging god to not cut my head off. I was in there for 30 minutes and my mom had to come to the bathroom to get me out. When I came out I had to explain to her that I had just got something in my eye and that I was trying to wash it out. From that day forward I had a strong irrational fear of churches ever since that has still not gone away, Its an irrational fear that I know doesnt make sense but I am always reminded of the terror of that day when I was young. My mind was weak and I am also mentally disabled, I have Autism and Asperger's syndrome.

I became an atheist in or around 2009 if I remember correctly, My parents highly disagree with it and my grandma being a super religious pentecostal woman about had a heart attack when I told her I dont believe in god. This has made my quite distant with more than half my family since. Never had I stepped into a church since I turned 18, I cant bring myself to enter any religious establishment because of that feeling I get when I come near one.

Does anyone else share this feeling, am I just one of the few who got legitimate PTSD from something like this? It seems so silly in retrospect to think that being in church hearing the preacher can cause PTSD but it happened to me.

Submitted December 31, 2021 at 07:04PM by MarkusRight (From Reddit https://ift.tt/3qCxSFA)

No One Cares But Me: A Master List of Why Enomoto Kei From Kagi no Kakatta Heya is Autistic

(aka this angel. lookit him. he has string on his glasses and wears knitted ties. thats bomb as.)

Appearance:

Enomoto wears the same basic outfit just with colour variations: button up shirt, knitted tie, cardigan (a cardigan!!!!!!! what an angel), slacks and some fancy shoes that make clip clop sounds when he walks on hard surfaces. 

its arguable that all of the characters wear the same outfits too (bc the two lawyers are wearing suits and im pre sure aoto doesnt... actually have any other suit than the cream one) 

but THE POINT REMAINS that enomoto has the same outfit in different colours. this is a choice consciously made. hes a fashionista.

Body Language:

or, lack thereof.

His posture and demeanor are very stiff and controlled, especially when he’s walking. he takes precise steps and instead of turning while he walks he stops, turns his body, and then continues. his shoulders and head slump slightly, which is mostly noticeable when he’s in the frame with other characters. when he sits he’s very still and again, his head and shoulders lean in.

He never initiates physical contact. he allows people to touch him but he never leans in or even generally react to the touch. one moment we see him react to a touch is when a little girl holds out her hand for him to take. he really hesitates and is very slow to take her hand, like it makes him nervous. another is when he shrugs off serizawa hand from his shoulder, although that could just probably be because he wanted to move.

Communication:

If this boy doesnt go by social scripts then im jesus. he is always polite, even if the person talking to him isnt. he says the same basic phrases, especially “thank you for waiting for me.” he doesnt say it as if hes genuinely thanking them though, but just as a sort of thing hes expected to say, but also he speaks in monotone. he could genuinely mean it. but we just dont know.

he doesnt understand other people’s thought processes during conversations:

aoto: enomoto-san, do you have a girlfriend?

enomoto: how is that relevant [to the case]?

aoto: i just want to know if you have a girlfriend.

enomoto: how is that relevant?

and then later he asks “why do women always talk about relationship stuff?” to which aoto replies “because its interesting”.

THEN AT THE END OF THE EPISODE enomoto randomly asks aoto if she has a boyfriend. aoto gets confused as to why he’s suddenly asking (theyre just having dinner in his work space, talking about nothing) and enomoto says “i thought we should talk about something interesting.”

he has remembered their earlier conversation and was trying to relate to her by talking about something she had previously told him was an interesting subject. when it immediately falls flat he tells her to forget about it (embarrassed that he failed the social script).

he info dumps. big time. the first time we meet him he just starts unlocking a bank safe (without permission) while wearing headphones (and ignoring everyone around him) until aoto asks him what he’s doing and how it works. and then he just blabs on and on about lock mechanisms and how to unlock certain locks. not only that, but a few times aoto interrupts him to get him to stop but he just blunders on. he asks her if she understands, and when he sees she doesnt, he goes back to explaining. and he says this all REALLY FAST (the subtitles we on and off before i could finish reading them). he continues to do this at least once per episode. his special interest is locks and keys, which is why he agrees to help solve these “locked room” cases in the first place. he just likes the puzzles.

to the point where, sometimes, he doesnt know who the murderer is because “it wasnt part of the locked room puzzle so i wasnt interested”. amazing. he literally stayed in his lane even though they didnt want him to.

he omits information because no one actually asks him for it. he answers if questioned, but beside that he doesnt just give out information, even if the people around him are speculating the answer that he knows. additionally, he doesnt give out information if he doesnt think its relevant to the locked room puzzle.

he also doesnt always elaborate on his answers, especially if the question isnt phrased differently.

enomoto: lets go.

aoto: eh? where?

enomoto: lets go.

aoto: eh? where?

enomoto: lets go.

aoto: eh? where?

enomoto: lets go.

[actual dialogue from an actual drama]

additionally:

serizawa: where did you get all that money to travel the world?

enomoto: my savings.

serizawa: and then where did you get the money to buy your own shop?

enomoto: my savings.

serizawa: how?

enomoto: i worked hard

[they repeated this exact conversation about three times]

he doesnt like answering personal questions. he asked for aoto and serizawa’s help for a friend, but never actually told them how they knew each other (even when directly asked). in fact, we barely know anything about enomoto other than he likes locks.

he also doesnt understand implications. both aoto and serizawa try asking him if a company hes installing security for are criminals, but he doesnt understand what they mean by “one of those”.

he rarely speaks unless prompted and only talks about what he wants to talk about. namely, locks. he doesnt immediately answer when hes called for (if anything i think he just straight up ignores when hes called for and appears when hes ready). he rarely replies when someone is talking casually with him, even as they say goodbye to leave. oft times hes wearing headphones (and can probably hear when someone is talking to him) but doesnt acknowledge them until they forcibly take his headphones out.

he doesnt make eye contact. when he speaks he usually stares off in the distance.

he’s blunt. aoto asks him to subtly ask if this guy is the killer, to be really evasive about it, and he agrees. as soon as he hangs up the phone he says to the guy “are you the killer?” when the guy says no enomoto accepts this. when people share their theories he’s quick to tell them no. at one point aoto asks him to teach her how to play shogi so they can play against each other and enomoto immediately says “no. i dont have to hesitate when i play against the computer [in shogi].” >> meaning at some point someone has told him that when playing against other people he has to pretend to think to spare the other person’s feelings.

Miscellaneous:

he stims. straight up stims. he rubs his index finger and thumb together near his ear (right side) when he’s thinking. the other characters notice and imitate him. the sound effects make it seem the movement it meant to mimic picking a lock, and when he finally figures out the puzzle he turns his hand and the sound effect for a lock opening is played. (then he says one of his catch phrases that could either be cheesy or a social script :) )

he works for a security company but due to an incident he works in the basement. at the end of the season he goes away for a holiday and comes back and opens his own security shop. the layout of the two places are identical. this could be a budget thing but its just so obviously mimicking each other that its immediately noticeable. #habits

often creeping up on people. people just dont notice him until he suddenly speaks.

he builds to scale models of all of the locked room scenarios so he can test his theories without actually being there.

he is very clearly, from the start, marked as different. when they look for him at his workplace, the boss is confused as to why they would want enomoto specifically. enomoto is kept in the basement, away from everybody else. after first meeting him serizawa calls him weird.

anyway enomoto kei is an autism. hes ours now.