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townslore · 7 months

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if you're comfortable, i would love to know more about the akechi npd headcanon. i think it's a rlly interesting take on his character and i wanna learn more abt npd bc i have bpd and ig im interested in what people experience with the other cluster b personality disorders? i just kinda wanna know why you think he has it and also maybe some of the mental stuff he has to experience with it. doesn't have to be detailed or personal i dont wanna make u uncomfy! i just cant stop thinking abt this hc haha :)

im actually on a mental health break right now, but this ask intrigued me so im answering it anyway. first off thank you for staying kind throughout the whole thing :)

its kind of hard for me to really describe why i think a character has/is something, because things like personality disorders are still a wide spectrum and every person experiences things differently, and i dont wanna make it seem like theres a one-way to have npd, but im gonna try anyway!

there is a site which helped me immensely throughout my self-diagnosis, so if you want to read more about the topic than what im gonna say here, here u go:

lets start simple and the thing that makes it most obvious to me: the engine room dialogue.

people with npd can heavily rely on other people for their self-esteem, because narcissists usually have a very low one. thats why they take on many tasks ("i was extremely particular about my life, my grades, my public image—so someone would want me around!") and might overwork themselves for more praise and acknowledgement ("you wanted to be acknowledged, didn't you? to be loved?") because its what they need to not constantly crash. a crash is something that happens when you dont get enough supply—which can be words of affection, praise, acknowledgement, etc—and you internalize it, doubt yourself, feel disgusting and generally you get to a really low point. this is just speculation, but i can see goro having a ton of those, especially during the time the phantom thieves get popular and he becomes public enemy nr 1. thats also why i drew him thinking "i really need supply rn but i'd rather die than ask for attention" because vulnerability is also a big thing people with npd can struggle with. we dont want to be seen as weak—our narcissism is essentially a shield, so we're seen as tough, when in reality, our egos can be very fragile.

one thing that the engine room makes very clear and also other interactions goro has with akira, is that hes very envious of others who have had it better than him. especially someone like akira, who was thrown away by society just like he was, was able to move past it, found friends and is acknowledged by many people. goro is jealous of it all, and thats the thing; people with npd can feel like they're supposed to be special ( and to me, with goro explaining how he got his personas, and how he often calls others stupid, its clear that he does feel that way about himself to a certain degree ) and anyone who threatens that status, anyone who seems much more special than we are is seen as a legitimate threat. its an ugly feeling and it can make us hate even those we love for some time.

this attributes to dysregulation of our emotions too. people with npd often feel their emotions, especially negative ones, way more intense than they actually should be and have difficulty calming down due to that. negative emotions often linger for a long period of time and its hard to move on so we hold grudges. now this might come to no surprise to anyone that goro is a very angry and sad person. especially in the engine room its clear that even after the others extend their hands out to him, its difficult for him to comprehend and he still acts rather mean and calls them idiots for trying to "save" him. when someone with npd is experiencing a multitude of negative emotions, it may cause them to avoid other people or act aggressive towards them because they feel trapped. theres many explanations as to why goro is the way he is in the 3rd semester, and i dont think only one of them has to be correct, but i do think that with the knowledge of whats happening ( like: being under the control of someone else again, or having to work with people who are unpredictable and who have seen you at your lowest point ) makes him act out to keep all of them, especially akira, at bay.

in the duel against akira—im sorry i cant really quote it, i just have a general idea of it in my head rn—i read what he says in a way that makes it clear that he struggles with a superiority AND inferiority complex, which sounds stupid at first i know, but its fairly easy to explain. like i already said, a narcissist's self-esteem is usually pretty low and we rely on others to know how to feel about ourselves. theres two traits of npd that are necessary traits to have: being self-centered and feeling entitled to good treatment, and seeking admiration from others/liking to be the center of attention. so there is some kind of superiority complex going on, at least thats what i would call it in goro's ( and my ) case. we can feel on top of the world in one moment, but once we have a crash or experience intense negative emotions, its back to being the worst human being on earth. i dont think its ooc to say that goro hates himself, as some like to claim he only ever thinks hes better than everyone else. i think that just attributes to harmful stigma. with everything goro experiences in life, coping with narcissism to hide a fragile sense of being just makes sense to me.

theres more i could probably add here but this thing is long enough as is. please do keep in mind that many of my headcanons for goro are me projecting—but that doesnt mean theres no basis for it in canon as well, as i've tried to explain here. at first i actually thought he could have bpd, but i dont know enough about it to really judge that—so it could still very well be that, or both, i dont really know how it works! im rather new to this as well, and at first i was scared of doing any research because npd is so heavily stigmatized. i wish there were more people like you, anon.

if you have any more questions feel free to ask them :)

#letters #goro akechi #persona 5 #when the towns lore #npd

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gayadhd · 1 year

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ever since realizing that, no-this isnt just adhd, autism is definitely in the mix- everything just makes so much sense to me. but, because of what i am now aware of and observing in not only my behvaior but how others see me and interact with me, i almost wish i hadn’t; it is heartbreaking for me to finally realize just WHY it is so difficult for me to interact with people and make friends. although it is relieving to know it isnt all because of my own doing, it hurts so bad to realize that other people see the obvious difference i was so oblivious to, and that because of that they see me as “other”, “weird”, “confusing”, and decide to just avoid me entirely.

the alienization i feel as someone neurodivergent is astounding and oh so obvious to me now. im not like them; they dont want to hang out with me because im different; they dont understand me. they can laugh and giggle and do whatever it is they do all the while being able to ignore completely that one classmate who weirds them out. part of me is almost grateful- that at least i am not being bullied or made fun of. but the separation and loneliness i feel as the only neurodivergent person in a group of neurotypicals is incredibly depressing.

i have tried so hard and for so long to be palatable for the people around me, not quite knowing what i was doing wrong and why i couldnt make friends. wondering what was wrong with me that people just didnt like me. crying and changing my personality (masking) every couple of months to test and see that MAYBE if i changed THIS part of myself, people would like me. and ultimately, just resigning to the fact that although i didnt know why, people didnt like me and the only answer i had was that it was something about me.

i wish i could tell my younger self that its okay, and its not my fault. but i still wouldnt have an answer for them about what to do about it. im still struggling with that myself.

autism and adhd are disabilities in many ways and can be a struggle to deal with, but socially it doesnt HAVE to be if neurotypicals would just show empathy and be open and welcoming to others they dont quite understand! to drop the idea of “the weird kid” and realize that everyone is a person and deserving of love and even if you personally dont want to be their friend you shouldnt downright ignore them. even that much might have made me feel less alone.

because that has stuck with me all these years and i am finally able to see why i am and likely will always be alone and lonely to some degree. i wish i could find more neurodivergent friends but its not always that simple. i feel like an alien; i am like a cat in a crowd full of dogs. similar, sure, but fundamentally and visibly different.

#actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallyocd #actuallyneurodivergent #neurodivergent #depression #vent #alienation #autism #adhd #loneliness #rejection

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cattyanon · 1 year

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you got any more scrapnic stuff you want to share?

Gkdksgdktlabjdkgiuwvg I really do need to work on some more Scrapnic stuff, huh? I mean I have something but I just wanted to complain real quick about my brain for giving me that Sonic Prime AU idea I mentioned in the tags of that one post. And dont get me wrong! I want to work on that AU! But like now there's this other AU I wanna figure out too, ya know?

Anyways I will take this opportunity to expand upon the relationship between certain characters since I either 1. Only briefly mentioned them 2. Havent mentioned them at all or 3. Have talked about them to some degree and not in depth.

And since you've specifically mentioned Scrapnic, we'll focus on him and, in this specific post, a resident of Scrapnik Island seeing as I've talked about Scrapnic and Tails aplenty. Although before we start I wanna say I was actually considering doing Sigma first since I wanted to make these posts in the order they met... Then I realized I've barely touched on someone you guys (probably) really wanna know about.

So first up we have Scrapnic's view on Mecha Sonic!

Starting with getting something pretty obvious out of the way, it's definitely complicated between them for a while.

First we must take into consideration that the conditions for Sonic's arrival are different than canon. In this case it means it takes more than seeing that Mecha has taken up gardening to warm up to him, although it does help, as fast as in canon.

It starts out, which is also obvious, the way it does in canon with Scrapnic just straight up not trusting him. Whenever he sees Mecha it's very clear to literally everyone that Scrapnic is very skeptical of Mecha's change. When Scrapnic sees Mecha he will regularly glance at him to make sure he's up to no good. I mean sure, he's not attacking him, but who knows what he's up to! He also make sure theres a good distance between them at all times. This is because it would give him more time to react if Mecha were to attack him.

About a week of this goes by when Sigma eventually gets completely fed up with seeing Scrapnic's distrust towards Mecha. In an attempt to get him to warm up he convinces Mecha to let them show Scrapnic the flower. To their delight this actually seems to have helped. Scrapnic no longer starts regularly glancing at him when he sees him. Instead it's only whenever he gets too close for Scrapnic's comfort.

As time goes on Scrapnic starts to accept that Mecha isn't conspiring against again and might truly be good. So eventually, in a show of good faith, he decides to apologize to Mecha and give him an actual chance. He actually let's him get closer than he'd usually allow.

And as a clarification, I dont mean "closer" as his personal space. Just that he'd actually let Mecha stand next to him without scooting away. And as an additional clarification, that was just an example. I can't imagine theres many times they'd actually end up standing next to each other. Oh yeah and before moving on from this specific topic I do wanna mention something extra. Scrapnic gets a little anxiety around Mecha for quite some time, even when he starts officially giving him a chance. It does eventually completely go away though!

Scrapnic actually starts to converse with Mecha and teaches him sign language, as difficult as it might be in Scrapnic's current state.

And before anyone tries to question why he'd need to learn sign language since he speaks in the comics, it's due to an observation I remembered making. I even fact checked before I started writing the explanation below:

For more than the first half of all the issues, Mecha doesn't speak. The first time he does is through Tail's Tablet (aka the Miles Electric). But this is only after Tails had modified it to translate the Sprapniks.

There's a bit more I wanna say about this but I think I'll save it for Mecha's post.

Anyways they do eventually become friends! :D

...which will make it heart wrenching when Mecha malfunctions and reverts to old protocals.

#Sonic #Sonic au #Scrapnik Sonic AU #Scrapnic #Scrapnik Mecha Sonic #Angst #>:)

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shortmage · 1 year

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Hello! I’ve got a couple from the fanfic author questions I would like to ask you here ❤️

4, 11, 29, 43, 49, 58

65. If you wrote a sequel to [Struck with Devastating Affection] what would happen in it? (I swear I’m not angling for anything here 😇)

And 72? ( Feel free to cherry pick if that is a way too long list of questions there ^^;)

ah, thank you thank you for letting me ramble ❤️❤️❤️

4. How do you choose which fics to write?

im honestly not sure, its really whichever idea/wip that my brain latches on to long enough for it to get finished. if its an idea i really really want to do, it'll get done sooner or later cause i'll spend more time just staring at doc until something comes loose but really anything that has it's own dedicated doc in my folder, even if it's completely blank with just the title/the line or idea that inspired me, i fully intend to write it at some point. so tl;dr i intend to/choose to write all the fics that come to me

11. Do you write scenes in order, or do you jump around?

oh i jump around SO BAD, even my big bang fic which had a general plot outline for pacing, i jumped back and forth between chapters. i dont think ive written a fic in order EVER

29. What’s something about your writing that you’re proud of?

i think just improving since i started back writing creatively two or so years ago now. like re-reading back to those first few i published and what ive published recently, i feel really proud of my improvement!

43. Is there a trope or idea that you’d really like to write but haven’t yet?

im not certain, i think maybe a werewolf fic cause that feels like such a ubiquitous fandom thing but i do have a wip for that, it's just a matter of actually getting it written

49. What fic of yours would you say is the best introduction to you as a writer?

oh.... now that is a difficult question. i think sfw it might be 'the maker won't mind' or 'i want us to eat well', cause they both came from such places of love for the characters. nsfw, hee hee, i think that might be 'who we belong to' cause i think i really popped off in that fic, lol.

58. Do you have a favorite piece of figurative language you’ve written?

i think it might be the din talking about his mother's dessert in relation to boba in 'struck with devastating affection' cause im really proud that the feeling i was aiming for got across but also because i didnt even notice that i made a vampire feel like something tasted like sunshine to them, LIKE sometimes when i write i just do things just right when my overthinking brain shuts off and just lets the writing brain take over

65. If you wrote a sequel to [Struck with Devastating Affection] what would happen in it?

oh angle all you like, truly. i mean i do really really really want to write a sequel at some point, and i think it kind of planned that from the beginning. or if not the immediate start then not long after it was finished, cause i just really got caught up in what worldbuilding was there and i think there's places to go with it. and if nothing else, ive somehow amped up the sexual tension in BOTH of the vampire fics ive written and then cut to black, so i should really give them a nsfw follow-up in some degree, lol.

72. What’s your favorite writing compliment you’ve gotten?

i honestly love every single comment and compliment i get and i hold them so dear but any time someone says they feel that i've gotten a character's voice right just really gives me the warm fuzzies. OR, speaking of, any time someone has said a fic feels like a warm hug to them! MAKES ME SOB TBH

#long post #mage answers #mage writing

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x-tetrodotoxin-x · 1 year

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Okay so I've had this idea in my head for a bit.

Touya gets pregnant with Enji's child, either pre or post canon. At first, I thought that maybe Touya would be happy that he's pretty much replaced his mother because of all of the attention he thinks he's gonna get from his dad when he tells him. Then Enji finds out and instead makes him either get an abortion or just straight up gets him to miscarry.

Touya gets pregnant with Enji's child and gets rid of it himself because he doesn't want to be replaced again. He thinks that even though Enji might negelct it like with him and his siblings, it is not worth the risk. Maybe he tells Enji about it before or after he gets rid of it just to see his reaction. Will he be angry and beat him? Will he tell him that he's proud that he did the right thing in a difficult situation?

I'm curious of which situation you'd think would be more likely because this thought bunny will NOT leave me alone

Yeah, I like these. A few times I've considered concepts like this, for a time during plotting considered incorporating it with TIMH (and I'm still debating a miscarriage but idk), because it is a really compelling and tragic subject to me that i'd like to explore.

I feel like Touya would have so many mixed feelings about it because on one hand, he knows it's screwed up to some degree and be disgusted with himself and Enji, I dont think he'd want to be a parent because he'd worry a) he'd be like his parents and b) the kid would be like him, and even if it's one of the characterizations where Dabi loves his Dad and "wants" the abuse because he thinks it's love, he'd know Enjis hurting him and the child was basically forced on him just like Enji forced children on his Mom, so he wouldn't want the baby. On the other hand, because he's so warped and broken by the grooming and shit Enji did, he would also think if it as another way Enji loves him, "proof" that he loves him even, and like you said, he'd be happy thinking he'd replaced Rei and Enji would give him attention. He'd be so conflicted and confused about it, the emotional turmoil is so heavy, I'm here for it.

In a situation where Enji finds out and makes him get an abortion/forces a miscarriage, or doesnt find out and accidently causes a miscarriage via the abuse would totally destroy Touya because on one hand, he'd be so broken by the part of him that wants the baby and this make believe life where his Dad loves him, but on the other side feel like he shouldn't be upset because a part of him didn't want the baby. Make it even worse with Enji being dismissive about it when he's upset too, dropping lines like "it was barely formed, you're overreacting" , "you couldn't have given it a good life" , "you didn't want it anyway so why are you so upset?" Just tear him up even more inside.

And a route where he gets an abortion/causes a miscarriage himself because he worries he can't do it? Equally screwed up and sad. Him being very hesitant about telling Enji because he doesn't know if he'll be upset or angry or not, and Enji either getting furious when he finds out or unphased. Enji being unphased almost seems worse because it goes back to Touya feeling devalidated and unseen, and that HURTS

Yeah love this brain bunny thanks for sharing

#tw incest #tw pregnancy #tw noncon

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uncloseted · 2 years

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i'm 22 but i'm still living with my dad, and i feel pretty embarrassed about it. i have a part time job online but i don't have a car so my dad drives me to school. my dad has his own place but my mom who lives out of state feels the apartment we are living in (small apartment building) is unsafe when she was living there due to a lot of people coming in and having parties and smoking weed. i used to live on my own in a room but since my mom moved it's easier for me to live in the condo we have.

part 2) i feel quite embarrassed to still be living with my parents (kinda) and relaying on them so much at my age. how do i convince them that i can live on my own and be safe? my parents are quite protective of me as their only child, and i feel like i lost some valuable experience learning to do things on my own. in our culture its normal to live with family until marriage but we live in the U.S and im embarrassed by my lack of experience in adult life.

i work online part time only 2 days a week, and make about 400-500 dollars per month. this is not enough to cover my full rent or the mortgage (when i move back) so they are still paying and help me with everything. i wish i had a car and know how to drive but we've been so busy as i finish my degree next year. i am very grateful for them for everything and i know a lot of parents wouldn't do the same for me, but i know i need to grow up.

my parents are not together nor do they seem to have many friends or hobbies they do on their own, so they mainly just focus on me. they are very loving and they understand i need to do things on my own, but i have to be more independent. they are helping me to be more independent but they want to live near me even when im married which is normal in our culture, but i dont know if my partner in the future will like it. how do i tell them to let me leave the nest faster? im the same 22 y/o anon

So first things first, living with your parents at 22 is actually super common right now. As of 2021, almost 57% of 18-24 year olds in the US live with their parents at least some of the time. My partner was actually 22 years old and living with his parents when we met, and I didn't think anything of it. It actually ended up being a great situation for me because I got a bonus set of parents that I otherwise wouldn't have spent time with.

That said, I think becoming more independent and getting some adult experiences is a good idea. Are there ways that you can start slowly asserting your independence without freaking your parents out? For example, you might start biking or taking public transportation to school instead of getting your dad to drive you (if that's an option where you are), or taking on more household responsibilities, or working outside of the house a few days a week so that you can become more financially independent. Maybe you can start staying over at friend's houses every so often so your parents get used to you being elsewhere. If you begin to gently show them that you can take care of yourself, they may be more comfortable letting you leave the nest.

It may also be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation with each of them about your goal of being more independent. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but it might be necessary if nothing else is working. Let them know what you told me- that you really appreciate everything they've done for you and that you understand that they've gone above and beyond to help you out, but that you want to be more independent so you can grow up. They may not like it, but it's possible they'll understand and at least let you try.

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tinylittlebab · 5 months

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im feeling very pathetic today

my head has hurt so much today. i hate having chronic migraines:/ and what i hate most is that i gotta eat food with the ibuprofen

oh well. i went outside and exercised despite is being -8 degrees with -26 wind chill because theres something wrong with me. not even the ed stuff. i just simply cannot function if i dont go outside and skip around a daydream sometime everyday.

recalculated all my tdee stuff to check everything. 1460 for sedentary and with my usual exercise its between 2000-2100. thats about how much i eat without restricting or anything. just eating whatever i want whenever. i just exercise a whole lot.

i feel wrong for picking high numbers but i exercise far more than the average person and lower numbers are very difficult bc of that bc i will not compromise and exercise less. exercise is usually more effective anyway.

well. anyway. im going to do a gradual lowering bc i work and i dont wanna suddenly cut out a bunch of calories and have problems at work bc of it. its really not a big deal if its slow anyway. its most likely to still and be maintainable if i go slow. im trying to convince myself its ok. not like anybody is actually saying to me high res is evil. its just my own brain.

i dont understand why i so badly want to be disordered and why i have for so many years. im already underweight. its not enough though. well. i dont wanna make it about the calories i do eat. i wanna make it about the numbers i lose and the deficit.

honestly. most of my actual real care about how much i eat has always come from if other people are aware of it. otherwise its just me and to me if its just my opinion then id rather just exercise more and get the deficit that way. and i dont think theres anything bad about going slowly for myself.

but then i think about other people seeing it and like. i desperately want other people to see me as someone who barely eats. someone who lost a bunch of weight quickly. someone who they wish would stop losing weight. i want them to just be able to tell something is wrong. ofc since i only have 15 pounds to lose that wont ever happen. going below 85 is much more dangerous so im really gonna try not to let myslef want that. instead i wanna maintain 85. and i wanna be seen as that person who never eats and is super small and frail and pretty.

but i dont know anyone. im not going to know anyone. there is nobody to notice or think this. so whats the point in tryna make it happen immediately. might aswell do it the slower better way. and then i can maintain the weight easier. and its less miserable.

honestly im aiming for a below 15 bmi i should stop being mad at myself for not being anorexic enough. literally shut up stupid

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glitchdollmemoria · 8 months

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lots of thoughts with yom kippur approaching and not sure how to organize them. thoughts about the fact that i try to be a good person who doesnt harm others and apologizes when i do, thoughts about having low empathy and reduced remorse and not always being able to tell whether i actually was justified in doing something that hurt someone else or whether my own ego is clouding my judgement, thoughts about how my memory is so poor that i struggle to think of instances where i might have hurt people because i struggle to think of anything really that isnt within a very narrow timeframe but then when i can remember it loops back around to me justifying it. thoughts about not even trusting my own judgement on whether or not ive hurt someone because i think i tend to assume wrong in either direction, either assuming i matter more to someones happiness than i do or not recognizing how much i matter to someone else. i am a self centered person although i try not to be, and i will continue trying not to be but i also dont know if ill ever fully erase that from the core of my being, and so all i really can do is keep trying. maybe i have to spend the coming year trying to be more aware of whether or not im hurting people, and trying to be willing to recognize when i really am in the wrong instead of writing off my behavior, and trying to still be discerning as to when i AM justified in. idk. being a bit of a cunt to assholes. but also still trying to show restraint and not take things too far. trying to strike a balance and just be aware and careful.

i remember when i told my father i was interested in judaism, he said people shouldnt need religion to know how to be good people. and i do think on the whole thats mostly true, at least in the sense that religion isnt a requirement in order to have good morals. i think its important to have motivations to be a moral person beyond just "my religion says so". but at the same time, i personally do rely partly on religion for that sort of thing. its not like i was a horrible person before deciding to convert, ive always had at least a part of me that does genuinely want to be good for the sake of goodness, and thats part of WHY i love judaism, because of the emphasis on making the world a better place and treating people kindly, on the idea that this planet is HaShem's creation and all people are made in His image. but i also still need guidance. and maybe thats not so unique after all, maybe im not all that special for struggling so much with morality and selfishness. i dont know. i just think maybe instead of fretting about trying to remember specific instances where ive acted hurtfully, and trying to figure out whether or not i "should" feel remorseful, maybe i just need to accept that i have a lot of issues currently (but hopefully not permanently, or at least not always to this degree) interfering with my ability to figure all that out, and i need to focus on the big picture and recognize that surely, at some times, i HAVE hurt others with my own selfishness, and i need to be aware of that and keep trying to reduce how often that happens, and recognize when it does so i can make things right. i need to be aware of the fact that my moral compass isnt perfect, and i need to be willing to acknowledge when i make mistakes instead of trying to maintain my own self image as the most morally superior person in the room. and thats difficult and painful because its a complete gut punch to my own narcissism, because my instinct is to view that sort of vulnerability as an opportunity for others to paint me as inferior, and to safeguard myself against inferiority however i can. but the vulnerability is an absolute necessity if i want to ACTUALLY improve as a person. do i want to protect myself by insisting im a morally perfect person, or do i want to actualize my desires for moral perfection, or at least get as close as humanly possible? am i ready to grapple with the fact that growth involves admitting my flaws? am i capable of looking directly at my imperfections, or will i let my refusal to look at them become just another flaw on the pile? i think all of this is more useful for me to focus on this year. there are a couple specific memories of hurting people that i want to focus on too, but by and large with my own brain ill get more mileage out of looking at the big picture for now. and on the one hand hopefully i can focus more on specific instances next yom kippur, but on the other hand id like to try to avoid as many as possible in the first place.

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isolated-bug · 2 years

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I was watching Arcane and thinking about how in each act Silco’s stance on where he is about physical affection or physical touch changes so drastically. After everything went down with Vander, Seeing the moments /interactions Silco had with jinx caught me so off guard at first. I was wanting to know what your thoughts are about Silco’s relationship with physical touch throughout the show? It sounds simple but it must have been really difficult to have gone through that much change in the amount of time he did. With the amount of traumatic stuff he went through It’s Impressive honestly.

So, generally, when you dont trust someone, you dont want them touching you. Think about it. Think about body language. If you arent comfortable in a situation you are usually crossing your arms etc. if someone taps your shoulder or whatever you might get a bit startled by it. You dont stand very close to people and your need for personal space gets bigger. Being physically close to people is a vulnerability thing.. it makes us feel, as humans, like we are exposed and its not something you would do with people you dont trust. I think that is part of why intimacy is often measured by 'how far' you have gone with someone. Me being an ace person, this works against me lol I think Silco pre-Jinx didnt trust people. After all, he was betrayed by the ONE person he never expected it from. So his personal space bubble grew and getting into close range of people only occurred on *his* terms when he wanted to use it as a way of violating other peoples space to assert dominance and control. Silco is a fantastic character who utilizes non-verbal manipulations very *very* well. I think a lot of that is because he needs to build an imposing environment to compensate for his smaller frame. Now, Jinx was a very needy kid and was all about feeling reciprocated love/comfort through touch. Whenever Vi comforted Jinx it was with touching her face sweetly, hugging her, cradling her chin etc. Jinx cuddles her stuffed animals or greets people she likes with physical affection. I think Jinx would have been a bit wary of Silco at first once her emotions would have subsided. But i think it would have only taken Jinx a few months or less to see that he really isnt out to hurt her and her opinion of him turning to liking him and seeing him as a father figure. Once her mindset would have gone to this, she would have been very physically affectionate with him and Silco, having been touch starved for so long, would not have known what to do about it. I imagine, much like the scene when she first hugs him, that he would have been sorta frozen at first and then tried to humor what the small child wants and offer the comfort to her to end the engagement quickly. After months and years of this, he eventually started to be actually comfortable with her in his space and even more comfortable with reciprocating to a degree. You can see in his interactions with him, Silco uses physical touch as a communication tool with Jinx. He grabs her wrist when she is distracted to ground her and pull her back into the conversation etc. I think and real emotional engagement and initiation of physical touch doesnt start with Silco though. I personally feel like him touching her is only a response or reaction to her *unless* it is being used as a tool to ground her or redirect her attention. Even when he is calling her name in the scene where she is listening to music, notice that he does not touch her for her attention. He gets near enough to slam his hand on her desk but does *not* initiate touch. The turning point in this behavior is when he thinks he is going to loose her. I imagine that the ONLY times, if ever, that Silco has initiated any physical touch with any emotion is when she is asleep. like a dad brushing her bangs out of her face etc. And even that, i imagine has only happened once or twice when he was putting her back to bed when he had to comfort her from a nightmare or a crying fit etc. BUT the first time i think he initiated purely selfish expression of emotion with Jinx through physical touch was when he thought she was dying on the bridge. I think that is the same point in which he realized how much she meant to him. He greedily holds her close and hugs her with full gusto. and i really think its tragic Jinx was unconscious for that... just imagine how meaningful that could have been for her if she would have been aware of it... :( soo... in summary, i totally agree with you that we see Silco's level of physical interaction with others grows as the series progresses BUT that is only in interactions with Jinx and i think its because she invaded his space and he cares about her so his trust/bond with her allowed for the closeness. and i think he is still guarded with his own initiation of physical interactions with her and wont do it at all with others unless it is a manipulation.

#arcane #silco #vulnerability

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meruz · 3 years

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once again i am answering asks in a big compilation post. included is... gotham, patrick stump, tips about drawing backgrounds, tips about drawing in general, links to my faq, and infinity train

like.... the tv series? No... I’ve drawn dc comics fanart before, though. But it’s been years since I’ve been really into it. I like jumped ship like 10 years ago when the New 52 happened LOL.

AFJHDSLKGH I’m sorry I (probably) won’t do it again??

Actually full disclosure I have a truly cringe amount of p stump drawings/photo studies in my sketchbook right now LOL. He’s just fun to draw... hats, glasses, guitar, a good shape... but I don’t think I’ll rly post those until I can hide them in another big sketchbook pdf.. probably Jan 2022. Stay tuned........ (ominous)

(ominous preview)

These are all sort of related to backgrounds/painting so I grouped them together even though they’re pretty much entirely separate questions.... ANYWAYS

a) How is it working as a BG artist? Is it hard? What show are you drawing for?

I think you’re the first person to ever ask me about my job! Being a background artist is great. It’s definitely labor intensive but I think that could describe pretty much any art job (If something were rote or easy to automate, you wouldn’t hire an artist to do it) and I hesitate to say whether its harder or easier than any other role in the animation pipeline. Plus, so much of what truly makes a job difficult varies from one production to the next, schedule, working environment, co-workers etc. But I will say that I think while BGs are generally a lot of work on the upfront, I think they’re subject to less scrutiny/revisions than something like character/props/effects design and you don’t have to pitch them to a room like boards. So I guess it’s good if you don’t like to talk to people? LOL

A lot of my previous projects + the show I’ve worked on the longest aren’t public yet so I can’t talk about em (but I assure you if/when the news does break I won’t shut up about it). But I’m currently working on Archer Season 12 LOL. I’m like 90% sure I’m allowed to say that.

b) ~~~THANK YOU!! ~~~

c) What exactly do you like to draw most [in a background]?

@kaitomiury Lots of stuff! I really like to draw clutter! Because it’s a great opportunity for environmental storytelling and also you can be kind of messy with it because the sheer mass will supersede any details LOL.

I like to draw clouds... I like to draw grass but not trees lol,,, I like to draw anything that sells perspective really easily like tiled floors and ceilings, shelves, lamp posts on a street etc.

d) Do you have any tips on how to paint (observational)?

god there’s so much to say. painting is really a whole ass discipline like someone can paint their whole life and still discover new things about it. I guess if you’re really just starting out my best advice is that habit is more important than product. especially with traditional plein air painting, I find that the procedure of going outside and setting up your paints is almost harder than the actual painting. There’s a lot of artists who say “I want to do plein air sometime!!” and then never actually get around to doing it. A lot of people just end up working from google streetview or photos on their computer.

But going outside to paint is a really good challenge because it forces you to make and commit to lighting and composition decisions really quickly. And to work through your mistakes instead of against them via undo button.

My last tip is to check out James Gurney’s youtube channel because hes probably the best and most consistent resource on observational painting out there rn. There’s lots other artists doing the same thing (off the top of my head I know a lot of the Warrior Painters group has people regularly posting plein air stuff and lightbox expo had a Jesse Schmidt lecture abt it last year) but Gurney’s probably the most prolific poster and one of the best at explaining the more technical stuff - his books are great too.

e) Do you have tips for drawing cleanly on heavypaint?

@marigoldfool UMM LOL I LIKE ONLY USE THE FILL TOOL so maybe use the fill tool? Fill and rectangle are good for edge control as opposed to the rest of the heavy paint tools which can get sort of muddles. And also I use a stylus so maybe if you’re using your finger, find a stylus that works with your device instead. That’s all I’ve got, frankly I don’t think my drawings are particularly clean lol.

f) Tips on improving backgrounds/scenes making them more dynamic practicing etc?

Ive given some tips about backgrounds/scenes before so I’m not gonna re-tread those but here’s another thing that might be helpful...

I think a good way to approach backgrounds is to think of the specific story or even mood you want to convey with the background first. Thinking “I just need to put something behind this character” is going to lead you to drawing like... a green screen tourist photo backdrop. But if you think “I need this bg to make the characters feel small” or “I need this bg to make the world feel colorful” then it gives you requirements and cues to work off of.

If I know a character needs to feel overwhelmed and small, then I know I need to create environment elements that will cage them in and corner them. If a character needs to feel triumphant/on top of the world then I know I need to let the environment open up around them. etc. If I know my focal point/ where I want to draw attention, I can build the background around that.

Also, backgrounds like figure compositions will have focal points of their own and you can draw attention to it/ the relationship the characters have with the bg element via scale or directionality or color, any number of cues. I think of it almost as a second/third character in a scene.

Not every composition is gonna have something so obvious like this but it helps me to think about these because then the characters feel connected and integrated with the environment.

Some more general art questions

a) Do you have any process/tips to start drawing character/bodies/heads?

I tried to kind of draw something to answer this but honestly this is difficult for me to answer because I don’t think I’m that great at drawing characters LOL. Ok, I think I have two tips.

1) flip your canvas often. A lot about what makes human bodies look correct and believable is symmetry and balance. Even if someone has asymmetrical features, the body will often pull and push in a way to counterbalance it. we often have inherent biases to one side or another like dominant hands dominant eyes etc. you know how right-handed artists will often favor drawing characters facing 45 degrees facing (the artist’s) left? that’s part of it. so viewing your drawing flipped even just to evaluate it helps compensate for that bias and makes you more aware of balance.

2) draw the whole figure often. I feel like a lot of beginner artists (myself included for a long time) defer to just drawing headshots or busts because it’s easier, you dont have to think about posing limbs etc. But drawing a full body allows you to better gauge proportion, perspective, body language, everything that makes a character look believable and grounded.

Like if you (me) have that issue where you draw the head too big and then have to resize it to fit the proportions of the rest of the body, it’s probably because you (I) drew the head first and are treating the body as an afterthought/attachment. Sketching out the whole figure first or even just quick drawing guides for it will help you think of it more holistically. I learned this figure drawing in charcoal at art school LOL.

oh. third mini tip - try to draw people from life often! its the best study. if you can get into a figure drawing/nude drawing class EVEN BETTER and if you have a local college/art space/museum that hosts those for free TREASURE IT AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, that’s a huge boon that a lot of artists (me again) wish they had. though if youre not so lucky and youre sitting in a park trying to creeper draw people and they keep moving.. don’t let that stop you! that’s good practice because it’s forcing you to work fast to get the important stuff down LOL. its a challenge!

b) I’ve been pretty out of energy and have had no inspiration to draw but I have the desire to. Any advice?

Dude, take a walk or something.... Or a nap? Low energy is going to effect everything else so you gotta hit that problem at its source.

If you’re looking for inspiration though, I’d recommend stuff like watching a movie, reading a book, playing video games etc. Fill up your idea bank with content and then give yourself time/space to gestate it into new concepts. Sometimes looking at other art works but sometimes it can work against you because it’s too close.

Also something that helps me is remembering that art doesn’t always have to be groundbreaking... like it’s okay to make something shitty and stupid that you don’t post online and only show to your friend. That’s all part of the process imo. If you want to hit a home run you gotta warm up first, right? Sports.

I should probably compile everytime i give tips on stuff like this but that’s getting dangerously close to being a social media artist who makes stupid boiled down art tutorials for clout which is the last thing i want to be... the thing I want to stress is that art is a whole visual language and there are widely agreed upon rules and customs but they exist in large part to be broken. Like there's an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of solutions and that’s actually what makes it really cool and personal for both the artist and the viewer. So when you make work you like or you find someone else’s work you like, take a step back and ask yourself what about it speaks for you, what about it works for you, what makes it effective, how to recreate that effect and how to break that effect completely, etc. And have a good time with it or else what’s the point.

for the first 2, I direct you to my FAQ

For the last one, I don’t actually believe I’ve ever addressed artwork as insp for stories/rp but I’ll say here and now yeah go ahead! As long as you’re not making profit or taking credit for my work then I’m normally ok with it. Especially anything thats private and purely recreational, that’s generally 100% green light go. I only ask that if you post it anywhere public that you please credit me.

(and I reserve the right to ask you to take it down if I see it and don’t approve of it’s use but I think that case is pretty rare.)

a) @lemuelzero101 Thank you!!! I haven’t played Life is Strange but actually that series’ vis dev artist Edouard Caplain is one of my bigger art inspirations lately so that’s a really high compliment lol. And yeah I hope we get 5-8 too...!

b) Thank you for sticking around! I’ve been thinking about Digimon and Infinity Train in tandem lately, actually. They’re a little similar? Enter a dangerous alternate world and have wacky adventures with monsters/inanimate objects that have weird powers... there’s like weird engineers and mechanisms behind the scenes... also frontier literally starts with them getting on a train. Anyways if anyone else followed me for digimon... maybe you’d like Infinity Train? LOL

c) @king-wens-king I’M GLAD MY ART JUST HAS PINOY VIBES LOL I hope you are having a good day too :^)

a, b, c, d) yessss my Watch Infinity Train agenda is working....

e) aw thank you!! i think you should watch infinity train :)

#ask #trying this new thing where i tag people in the body of the post instead

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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ms chloe fairycosmos i feel weird sending this ask but also perhaps i need some closure. from this parasocial relationship (lol). i’m a follower of urs who has sent you quite a few asks on and off anon, not a mutual, but we’ve talked enough that you call me by my name. anyway, i think the time has come that i need to unfollow you, and it’s making me really sad. which is wild, because we aren’t even mutuals, this is truly a parasocial relationship. which i thought you might find ironic, considering your disdain for celebrity worship and all that. ever since your sisters passing, i’ve been here, witnessing your grief, and it’s been heartbreaking, and i’ve just longed to do anything to bring you the relief that you so deserve. the posts you make/reblog of the genre of the world being cruel and awful were sad to see, but i just sort of read it through a lens of “hey, that’s what chloe is going through”. but this past winter, i experienced some new acute trauma that has made being alive just an impossibly difficult task, and seeing that type of everything is horrible post just sends me spiralling now; i have no resistance to it. i know on principle you don’t tag negative posts and just kindly request that people unfollow you if they don’t like it, so that’s what’s up, bye, i guess. but it’s hard to me, because i’m so enamoured by you. which is weird, bc parasocial. but also, i just feel for you so deeply. i think you are a genuinely smart person, and incredibly empathetic and kind. you’ve been dealt a shit hand in life, so you haven’t been given opportunities where those skills could be recognized in a way that is valued in our culture, and that’s awful and unfair. i care about you and your well-being. i hope you don’t stop your work of looking for relief, that thread that keeps you going every day, that has kept your reaching out to therapists and trying despite everything to tap into that relief that i know you know is out there. i dont just want to hit you with some “it gets better” platitudes, which to me erase the seriousness of your grief or the immense impacts of socioeconomic inequalities. you have been going through hell, and i guess i just wanted to say i think you’re beautiful and you deserve rest and joy and relief and i hope it finds it’s way to you someday, the sooner the better. i hope this message wasn’t like, too weird. -🌾

such a thoughtful, perceptive and honestly beautiful message immm ❤️ hm. could definitely cry in a good, bittersweet way. i've read it a few times over since you sent it and just let it settle. also no worries at all - this isn't weird! and you know, while obviously everything on here is parasocial interaction to some degree, i don't think that always negates or delegitimizes the connections shared! this really really means a lot to me, it's basically sweeter and more genuine than any of the conversation's i've experienced in real life lmfao like, ever. also i want to say that it's totally fine, and also that i'm really sorry. for whatever happened in the winter that has made things so hard. i also don't want to overwhelm you with "it gets better" platitudes lmfao but i am wishing you so so much healing, even if the process is painstakingly slow. you deserve the world. and if removing triggering content from ur online space even so much as nudges you in that direction, then of course i encourage it. i want you to do anything and everything that you need to do to feel ok and to create manageable, easy days for yourself as you cope and come to terms and grow. everything warm and kind that you see in me is a reflection of you.

i would be happy to tag stuff for you honestly, we could make up a specific tag for you if you like - but i'm also aware that my memory isn't great and some posts may end up slipping through the cracks which could obv potentially send you spiralling and i really don't want that either. if unfollowing is ultimately what you feel you need to do, then that's completely understandable! anyway, thank you so so much ❤️ for sticking with me and believing in me and seeing me so positively even if it is just through my dumb blog lol. i think the idea of our positive traits not being fully realized and recognized due to our circumstances is such an interesting point of view, i've never framed it like that in my head before. i can't really find the words to say exactly what i want to say, other than that is is literally ppl like you who make me think there is a sliver of hope in life, or even any sort of bearable aspect to it at all. i hope all of the energy that you are projecting onto me finds its way back to you, helps you breathe easier when you really need to. you know i know the relief is out there, and so the same must be true for you. i have no doubt that you are going to find it as well, little by little. let's just both keep reaching out for it for now! sending you so much love and gratitude always x

#anon #agh #no i did cry

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bougredane · 3 years

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Do you have any details regarding how Napoleon reacted to Junot’s death? I haven’t really come across much, which seems strange given how close they’d once been + the extraordinary nature of Junot’s demise.

First of all, I’m SO sorry for the long response time on this ; I’m currently at my Paris appartment and I left the Dubief book and all of my other Junot texts (i.e. three books) back at my country house. So I meant to wait to respond until I could get back and check exactly what he has to say about Napoleon’s reaction to Junot’s death as the most recent/thorough biographer, but I just … havent gone back yet.

And it’s been weeks. 😬

When I do, I’ll be sure to let you know how he - and the other Junot biographers - describe the aftermath, but in the meantime, here are a couple of other sources on Napoleon’s response to the news :

For one, there’s this letter from Napoleon to Savary. And for all the possible partiality of correspondance like this, at least this one probably exists :

« Dresde, 7 août 1813

Je reçois votre lettre du 2 août. J’ai éprouvé une véritable peine de ce que vous m’avez écrit de ce pauvre Junot. Il avait perdu mon estime dans la dernière campagne [celle de Russie], mais je n’ai pas pour cela cessé de lui être attaché. Aujourd’hui il a recouvré cette estime, puisque je vois que sa pusillanimité était déjà l’effet de sa maladie … » (1)

----

« Dresden, 7 August, 1813

I’ve received your letter from 2 August. I was truly pained by what you wrote me about poor Junot. He had lost my esteem in the last campaign [Russia], but I hadn’t ceased to be attached to him because of it. Today he has regained that esteem, since I see that his cowardice was already the effect of his illness … »

My own personal guess is that this is probably pretty close to how he reacted across the board as regards Junot’s death. They might not have been that close anymore by the end, but Napoleon probably regretted the loss of a very old friend, and may have felt bad about how he’d treated Junot, especially in the last years.

And then of course there’s Laure’s side of the story. She says :

« Quand on lui remit la dépêche d’Albert, il la décacheta aussitôt, et, la retenant de la main gauche après avoir en lu les premières lignes, il se frappa violemment le front de la droite ; dans ce mouvement la dépêche lui échappa … il la releva avec la rapidité de l’éclair .. et puis il s’écria, mais avec un accent déchirant d’expression :

- Junot ! … Junot ! … O mon Dieu …

Et il joignit les mains si fortement, que la dépêche en fût toute froissée … Junot ! répétait-il avec cette expression qui venait du cœur, et qui dénotait une douleur réelle ! … Mais, ayant regardé autour de lui, et voyant qu’il était observé, il ne voulut pas être homme devant un œil observateur ! … il sourit avec une expression triste, mais indéfinissable, et dit d’une voix haute, quoique altérée :

- Voilà encore un de mes braves de moins ! … Junot ! … O mon Dieu ! ... »

-----

« When Albert's despatch reached him, he immediately opened it, and, holding it with his left hand after having read the first lines, he struck his brow violently with the right ; in that movement the despatch slipped from his grasp ... he picked it up with lightning speed .. and then he cried out, with a heart-rendingly expressive tone :

- Junot ! … Junot ! … My God …

And he clasped his hands so tightly that the despatch was quite crumpled … Junot ! he repeated with that expression which came from the heart, and which spoke of real pain ! ... But, having looked around, and seeing that he was being watched, he did not want to be a man in front of an observant eye ! ... he smiles with a sad, indefinable expression, and says in a loud, albeit distorted voice :

- There we have it, one fewer of my brave men ! … Junot ! … My God ! … »

I for one am not entirely sure what to make of this - my guess is that it’s pretty much totally fabricated, or at least very, very embellished. For one thing, Laure wasn’t anywhere near Napoleon (or Junot, for that matter) when all of this was taking place - she claims to have had it from a « témoin oculaire [eye-witness] », so even if everyone along the chain is trying to relay the truth in good faith, we’re still one more degree removed than usual with memoires.

And then there’s the fact that just following this scene, she writes that after 15+ minutes of trying to pull himself together, Napoleon manages to push back « ces affections pures et saintes, qui retrempaient son âme et lui donnaient ce charme puissant qu’il perdit au reste en perdant ceux qu’il aimait et dont il était aimé … » at which time he remarks that he now has nobody in Illyria, and that someone will have to be sent to fill the vacancy. Charles Hugh MacKay (the same guy from the Univ. of Florida that @maggiec70 knows) makes the good point that Nap. knew Junot was ill, had him removed from his post in early July, and then placed on the retirement list a week before his death - so he definitely was aware by this point there was no one in Illyria. (... But then, just to play the other side, he could foreseeably have been looking for something official and to-the-point to say at a particularly difficult moment.)

One more thing that’s sort of interesting, which I’ve seen referenced a couple of times, is this apparent order by Napoleon - as soon as he heard about Junot’s death - to send someone to his house and to destroy all of the correspondance that had passed between them. I’ll have to see if Dubief talks about that at all, because the other sources I’ve seen that mention it don’t bother to say where they got that info from. (If anybody’s read all of Savary, you may have heard about this - I think it might have been him that was sent with the order.)

(1) Lettres inédites de Napoléon 1er (An VIII-1815). Publiés par Léon Lecestre. Plon : 1897, tome II, pp. 279-280.

#junot #napoleon #savary #emphasis in the original for Laure #@joachimnapoleon #sorry again that this is so late #ill probably head back to the country after my exams in a couple of weeks #or maybe in October

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iceeckos12 · 3 years

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time travel snippet

little time travel au oneshot. season 5 jon travels back in time to season 1. from the perspectives of tim, martin, and sasha. 3.5k.

i dont think i need to tag anything, but please let me know otherwise.

Tim wakes up that morning, and it’s just like any other day.

Well—no, okay, that’s a bit misleading. Today is his first day working as an archival assistant, so he’s one part nervous, one part that breathless, exhilarated feeling you only get when you’re about to do something unfamiliar that may or may not redefine your life for the foreseeable future. When he says “it’s just like any other day”, he means that he wakes up, and he’s a normal person doing normal people things like eating a healthy breakfast and going to work.

(So, no. In short, he doesn’t realize that today is the day when It happens, that big, life-changing event that you think will Never Happen To You.)

He gets out of bed, stumbles into the bathroom. Washes his face of whatever residue that’d built up during the night, tries to scrape away the evidence of his nightmares, smiles big and bright at the mirror to see how successful his efforts were. He’s betrayed by the traitorous bags beneath his eyes, but that’s okay. Sasha taught him how to wield concealer as a shield whenever his past wore down his armor.

He shoots twin finger guns into his reflection, making soft pew, pew! noises that are almost too-loud in the hush of the bathroom. Then he turns on his heel and walks away, sauntering and humming along with the chorus of Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5.

He gets to the Institute twenty minutes before he’s supposed to—not because he’s trying to impress his boss or whatever (he and Jon have known each other long enough that there’s no point). It’s just, Jon will probably want to make some sort of game-plan before the actual workday starts.

The poor man had been relieved to an almost comical degree when Tim had said yes, I’ll come with you to the Archives. It’s painfully obvious how out-of-his-depth Jon is with the whole “Head Archivist” thing. Tim’s honestly baffled as to why Elias had singled him out for the position in the first place, considering his lack of qualifications.

But, whatever. It’s fine! Tim and Sasha will be there to help him—although the third assistant is a bit of a problem, considering that they know absolutely nothing about him. There’s no guarantee that this Martin Blackwood won’t report inadequacies or mistakes back to Elias. If that’s the case, Tim and Sasha will have to be Jon’s safety net, which is partially why Tim is hoping to talk to Jon before anyone else gets there.

He also wants to talk to Jon because he just knows the man is probably working himself up over all of this. Maybe reassurances won’t do away with the source of anxiety entirely, but at least it’ll remind Jon that he’s not alone, and that he can count on Tim and Sasha.

As expected, when Tim gets there he can see a sliver of light pouring out from the cracked door of the Head Archivist’s office. He selects a desk and sets his bag on top of it, noting a set of strange gouges in the fake wood with a raised eyebrow, and then an internal shrug. The Institute issued laptop is near the far edge of his desk, and his collection of pictures are strategically placed so that he can see them all clearly.

His eyes linger over the image of him, his mother, and his brother. Their smiles are almost perfect replicas of each other, like someone took a mold of one of their faces and recreated it twice over.

Briefly, he closes his eyes. Then he shakes himself, releases a slow, steadying breath, and goes to check on Jon.

Tim’s not sure what he’s expecting to see when he goes into Jon’s office.

(That’s misleading too, though. He’s not sure if Jon will be visibly calm or upset, if he’ll be on his laptop, if he’ll be picking at the skin around his fingernails, as he so often does when he’s stressed. He is expecting Jon as he is and always has been—a twenty-some year old going on sixty, who wraps his gruff, grumpy demeanor about himself to protect the soft, vulnerable core he likes to pretend doesn’t exist.)

He comes up to the door, and the soft rectangle of light that emanates from beneath the door paints the tips of his shoes gold. “Jon?” he calls softly, rapping his knuckles against the frame. There’s a soft rustling noise—papers maybe? but no audible response, so he shrugs and pushes the door open. “I’m coming in.”

Tim steps inside, a quip instinctively readying itself on his tongue—but then his gaze lands on Jon, and he freezes dead in his tracks.

Even years later, he still vividly, viscerally remembers the moment he saw Danny standing on the stage underneath the Royal Opera House, the way he’d looked...not quite right. The wrongness had been subtle, so much so that it had been unnoticeable upon first glance, upon second glance. The longer Tim had looked though, the more obvious it had become, exposing all the little faults in that almost-perfect recreation of his brother.

Looking at Jon now, it’s the first and only thing he can think of. Because—yes, there’s the long, silver-streaked black hair, there’s the rich brown eyes, there’s the pair of spectacles that make him look far older than he actually is. But that’s where the similarities between the Jon he knows and this Jon end.

Jon’s always been a small man, but his feigned haughtiness makes him seem much bigger than he actually is. Except—except this Jon looks smaller somehow, his shoulders curved protectively inward, like he’s trying to present less of a target. And there’s something about his face, too—his expression is too sharp, too much—

But the worst of it is his eyes. There’s something very wrong with his eyes.

Who the fuck are you, and what have you done with Jon? He doesn’t say it out loud though, just keeps staring at Jon, a heady mix of terror and horror making any sort of reaction impossible.

After a moment Jon’s lips thin, contorted by some distant cousin of displeasure, and he rises to his feet. Tim stumbles instinctively backward, his breath escaping him in a sharp gasp that’s immediately swallowed up by the apathetic stacks of books and papers surrounding them. He’s struck by the fact that if he dies here, it’s unlikely anyone will notice; he’ll become just another set of marks gouged into the desk, willed away with an uneasy shrug.

Jon freezes, lips parting subtly, as though he were about to speak. Tim feels his breath catch in his chest, unable to shake himself out of the clouded stupor his mind has fallen into.

In the end, Jon says nothing. Just releases a long, slow breath of air and sits back down, pushing his chair close to his desk. The motion looks heavy, tired, as though it takes far more energy than it should.

“You—you should go,” Jon rasps, and there’s something off about his voice too, though Tim can’t put his finger on why. He can’t cobble together enough of a train of thought to make sense of any of this, all he can think of is that clown ripping Danny apart—

He stumbles out of Jon’s office, sits down at his desk. Stares down at the cheap, fake wood, at the gouges that have marred the otherwise pristine surface. Puts his head in his hands, and tries to will his heart to stop pounding in his chest.

-0-

Martin’s heard things about Jonathan Sims.

He’s not usually the type to pay attention or encourage gossip, as the vivid memories of his classmates tittering cruelly whenever he walked by still leaves a sour taste in his mouth.The problem with the Institute is that the employees get bored pretty easily. Though most would consider academic research into the esoteric and the paranormal to be fairly interesting, it’s still academic research. And the subject content can get to be a bit...repetitive. There’s only so many gruesome statements you can read without thinking, oh great, more meat.

So the employees gossip a lot, and while Martin usually tries to keep his head down and avoid it, it’s difficult not to overhear some things. And from what little he’s heard, he’s...a bit concerned. Rude and unsociable has frequently been mentioned, as have arrogant and unnecessarily finicky, and worst of all, a bit of a stuck-up know-it-all.

Normally he tries not to put too much stock in office gossip—he’s well aware that the grapevine tends to exaggerate one’s most undesirable traits—but if any of it is true, then he might just be in trouble. It was hard enough being a library employee when his boss wasn’t even paying attention most of the time. If Jon is as exacting as they say, it might be enough to expose the fact that Martin has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. And if that happens, then he might get fired, and he can’t get fired, he needs this job, he can barely keep up with his mum’s medical bills as it is—

Calm down, Martin tells himself firmly, pressing his hand against his sternum, as though that will be enough to quell the rising panic. It’s only your first day. Maybe he’s nice, and we’ll actually be good friends.

(With his luck? Yeah, right.)

The Institute looms in the distance, growing closer with every terrified, grudging footstep. A shiver runs up his spine at the sight of its imposing presence, a dark, ugly blot of a building against the backdrop of the iron grey clouds.

If there’s one thing he’s good at though, it’s keeping his head down and muddling through until he’s able to figure out what is actually expected of him. He can twist and fold himself into whatever role they need him to fill, as he has done so many times in the past. Not easily perhaps, but he has always managed. The alternative is untenable, after all.

So he takes a deep breath, and shoves his panic down as deep as possible. Lifts his head and forces a smile onto his face, like a good attitude will be enough to protect him from his boss’s wrath.

He could really do with a cup of tea.

Martin trudges down the stairs, giving the blank walls, the old-fashioned carpet, a dubious look as he does. The Archives themselves are as he remembers it—he’s been down here a couple of times when Gertrude made a request for something specific, but—

He pauses when he notices a man sitting at one of the desks, his face buried in his hands. His shoulders aren’t shaking and his breathing is even, so Martin doesn’t think that he’s crying? He’s just….sitting there, his stillness so perfect it’s almost inhuman.

“Hello?” Martin calls softly, cautiously, shifting his weight to the balls of his feet.

The man looks up, revealing a very handsome face and brown eyes so dark they may as well be black. His cheeks are dry but his eyes are bright and a little wild, and his mouth is pressed into a small, tight line. He doesn’t speak, just keeps watching, blinking dazedly in Martin’s direction. Martin gets the feeling that this person isn’t entirely there at the moment, like a house in which every room is lit, but there are no people inside.

He swallows and shifts nervously back and forth, trying to decide whether or not to call for some backup. Eventually he sets his bag on the floor and shuffles a bit closer. “Um—are you—is everything okay?”

The man blinks rapidly, some semblance of awareness creeping back into his gaze. He shakes his head slowly, pushes his short, gelled hair back from his head. His hands are trembling. “I’m...yeah, I’m fine. It’s—everything’s, it’s…”

But then his gaze lands on something over Martin’s shoulder, and all the color drains out of his face, his mouth shutting with a painful sounding click. Martin quickly spins around, searching for whatever could’ve scared him so much—

There’s someone standing in the doorway of Gertrude’s office.

There are so many things that one normally takes in upon first meeting another person: their hair, their skin color, all the little wrinkles and marks that give you the briefest insight into their life. Martin looks at posture first, tends to check if a person is intentionally looming, or if they’re making themself smaller.

But all Martin can see are the eyes.

There’s—two of them he thinks, but two is such an arbitrary number when the thing you’re applying it to doesn’t ascribe to human values (he’s not sure how he knows that—how does he know that—?). That horrible, terrible gaze is an unerring arrow, all-encompassing, all-consuming, piercing the deepest corners of his mind. It hurts in some distant, nebulous way he’s not even sure he comprehends—

Then he blinks, and the sheer terror, that feeling of the horrible, violating exposure of everything that he is, abruptly snuffs out. What’s left is just a person, wispy and small, his slight frame fairly drowning in a chunky, cable-knit jumper. He’s leaning against his doorframe, his eyes—two big brown ones, rich and unfathomably sad and more than that, human—drinking Martin in, his lips parted in a soundless gasp.

“Um—” Martin glances over his shoulder, and almost leaps out of his skin when a land falls heavily on his shoulder. The man who’d been sitting in the chair is standing just behind him, a strained but polite smile on his face.

“Hi Jon,” the man says, an undercurrent of a warning in his voice.

Martin glances between the two, his confusion growing with every passing moment. This is not what he was expecting when he first came into work today, and the uncertainty makes him feel strange and off-kilter.

The person in the door swallows once, twice, then straightens, one hand still gripping the doorframe like it’s the only thing keeping him upright. When he speaks, his voice is soft, tentative, a little ragged around the edges. “Tim. It’s, um...it’s good to see you.”

“Martin Blackwood, was it?” Tim continues, injecting a bit of cheer into his voice. It takes Martin a moment to realize that he’s being addressed, and he shoots Jon—this is Jonathan Sims?—an uncertain look before nodding slowly. “We’re happy to have you on the team.”

“O-Oh?” Martin squeaks, then grits his teeth and bodily forces his voice back into its normal range. “I’m—um, I’m happy to be here?”

“Good,” Tim says through a grin that looks more like a grimace, giving Martin’s shoulder a friendly pat. The look he shoots Jon is a dark, mistrustful thing. The look Jon gives him back is fragile, vulnerable, that winds the tension in Tim’s shoulders so tight it has to be painful.

Jon’s gaze flickers to Martin, just for a second—and then he disappears into his office, leaving the door cracked behind him.

Tim and Martin stand there for a second, staring at the door. Tim’s still tense as a bowstring, and his grip on Martin’s shoulder is almost uncomfortable. The air in the Archives feels stuffy and too warm, and there’s a strange prickling sensation on the back of Martin’s neck, like he’s being subjected to close scrutiny.

Then Tim sighs and lets go of Martin’s shoulder, a little of the tension bleeding out of him, and without it he looks small, deflated. He goes back to his desk and sits down, booting up his laptop without a word of explanation to Martin.

Martin stares at the back of Tim’s head for a moment, a number of questions clamoring around in his brain—what the fuck was that? What’s wrong with Jon? Why are you so obviously suspicious of him?—but the words won’t come. Breaking the silence feels...sacrilegious, somehow. Every breath of air sticks against the back of his throat.

In the end, he doesn’t say anything either, just sits at his desk and takes out his Institute-issued laptop. Stares blankly at the screen as the machine slowly, laboriously, comes to life.

-0-

Sasha’s not entirely sure how to interpret the tense atmosphere that has descended over the Archives.

The first day she’d arrived a couple of minutes before she was supposed to, prepared to follow Jon’s direction and help him adjust as best she could. (Her feelings about Jon’s promotion...didn’t matter. She didn’t like it, but it wasn’t his fault that Elias was an old-fashioned misogynist.)

But when she’d come down the stairs, Tim and the assistant she didn’t know, Martin, had been seated quietly at their desks. They’d both had the same distant, shell-shocked look on their faces, like they’d received some shattering, horrible news. Sasha had sent Tim a confused look, but he either hadn’t noticed it, or hadn’t wanted to explain.

She hadn’t even seen Jon that first day, just received a polite email asking her to start organizing the statements according to the system which he’d devised.

It’s been almost three days, and nothing has changed. Oh sure, they’ve all started organizing the statements as directed. Tim cracks jokes, Martin tiptoes around them and makes copious amounts of tea. That strange tension that makes the hair on the back of her neck stand up, like the world is holding its breath in anticipation, hasn’t faded though. And while she doesn’t know Martin all that well, she knows that something’s still up with Tim. He seems more subdued than usual, keeps sending uncomfortable looks in the direction of Jon’s office—

—which hasn’t been open since that first day. She hasn’t seen Jon at all either, no matter how early she arrives or how late she stays. The only proof she has that he’s still alive is the polite email she periodically receives, detailing some specific task that he wants for them to do.

Even then, his emails are...odd. She’s not sure how she can tell, but they feel...awkward? Stilted? Like he’s only half-aware of what he’s typing, or like he’s only asking them to do things because he feels like he should, not because he has any actual goal in mind.

Normally she’d be frustrated by this, would complain bitterly to Tim about Elias passing over her for someone who obviously doesn’t properly appreciate the position they’ve been given—except that she knows Jon. He’d made a point to explain the situation to her himself, an apologetic twist tucked into the corner of his mouth. More than that, he’d asked her to follow him to the archives, saying that he wanted the two people he trusted most, her and Tim, to come with him.

He respects her too much not to take this job seriously.

The strangeness of the archives is only emphasized by Jon’s complete and utter lack of presence within it, but she doesn’t—she doesn’t buy that. She doesn’t believe that he’d just suddenly decide not to do the job he’d been so anxious to excel at.

More damning than anything is Tim’s complete, utter silence regarding Jon’s strange behavior, but whatever he knows about it, he isn’t saying anything. Martin is willing to talk, but he seems to be as lost as she is.

“I—that first day, Jon…” Martin shrugs, shooting a nervous glance toward the door leading to the archives. He’s been spending a lot of time hovering in the break room making tea, not that she can blame him. “He—I mean obviously I don’t know him very well, but he seemed...upset?”

“Upset,” Sasha repeats dubiously.

Martin lets out an exhausted sigh and turns away, waving a dismissive hand. “Look, I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. He just—okay, so, bear with me for a second, but he reminded me of this guy who used to live in my neighborhood.”

Sasha backs off, folding her arms and leaning against the counter. “Okay?”

“There was this little old couple that used to live in my neighborhood. They were—they were really sweet! The husband used to give candy to us younger kids. But um—sometimes you’d see him sitting in the rocking chair on his porch, and it was like...he wasn’t entirely there? Like, he’d just sit there for hours, rocking and staring at nothing. That’s—that’s what Jon’s expression reminded me of.”

Martin gets more animated the more he talks, Sasha notes; his hands move in broad, sweeping gestures, his expression twisting into an expression of extreme concentration. The moment he finishes he deflates again, tucking his hands into his armpits self-consciously, a hedgehog curling protectively in on itself.

“So, yeah,” he finishes eloquently.

“Huh,” Sasha says thoughtfully.

She gets back to her desk. Looks over at Tim, who’s studiously working through a box of statements, his mouth set in a neutral, concentrated frown. Takes a deep breath, letting the taste of dust and old papers sit heavy on her tongue.

Then she opens her laptop and starts looking through the catalog of cursed items that are currently being held in Artifact Storage.

(She doesn’t think that she’ll find anything, but—but just in case.)

-0-

They all get the call the next Monday morning: Elias Bouchard was found dead in his office.

#tma #iceeckos12 writes #my writing #just a little time travel au #probably wont continue this but i thought it was kinda fun

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lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks · 3 years

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Oh my gosh so I also headcannon Jack as autistic! But im not comfortable with writing it yet because idk how. Im not autistic; my little sister is and i know a few things jack could have trouble with... but hes a grown ass man so i just dont know. Im definitely taking notes on what you write him as but could you give me some pointers?....maybe?

Im mostly referencing to Bitter with this

aaaa yeah it definitely presents differently in adults who've learned to mask, personally I don't plan to put certain things in specifically to talk about how he's autistic, I write with the background knowledge of what traits he displays, and then express them when relevant, it's relevant a lot with Jack simply due to how much it affects his life

now this is going to get long, so bare with me, because this is a whole lot more complicated than you might expect

there's really no one correct way to write Jack, since there's no one way that autism presents itself, the way I write him is based on a mix of myself and some people in my family, so I can give you a basic idea of what angle I personally come from

for one, I change the way I write about facial expressions and how emotions come across to Jack, in Jazz's chapters I'll write about the exact emotion she can see on their face, with Jack's I'll go with an obvious base emotion, but then if the person is expressing something more complicated, I'll describe their face in physical details

eg;

Jazz POV - Danny was upset, but his face was tight with frustration

Jack POV - Danny looked sad, but his eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was set in a hard line

it's a subtle difference but it's one I try to maintain throughout Bitter, Jack's POV is based on how I have trouble reading non-obvious expressions, although in my case I also have trouble looking people in the face when I talk to them, that's harder to write in an emotion driven POV story, so I made Jack better at that than I am

his interest in machines is quite obvious, since he's an inventor, and he looooves infodumping on people, he gets very excited about his passions very quickly and his mouth runs off with him, something I also have trouble with, it hasn't been a prominent trait for Jack in Bitter, because he's so out of his element he's mostly confused and in a way, almost grieving his own death, so he's been far quieter than he usually is

his special interest is obviously ghosts and machinery, and in Bitter I cover that he's got a degree in engineering, physics and mathematics. He's good at them, I like to look at it as though Jack rolled high in intelligence and low in wisdom, he's book smart, he knows things that are straightforward and have firm rules, he's less comfortable in topics that are more wishy washy and vague, biology is complicated and has too many variables, he finds it difficult to grasp, there's no one standard rule that applies to every body

I also struggle with vague and unclear directions, I need a solid structure and clear instructions, my strength is in sorting, organising, alphabetising and colour coding, I like things to Look Right, I stick to a particular routine with very specific things, and it's viscerally uncomfortable and even distressing for me to have that order disturbed, I nearly had a meltdown at work because someone had done a part of my job incorrectly, and I had to fix it, it made me genuinely upset on a personal level, it was MY system, NOBODY should be touching it, NOBODY should be moving things around, they do anyway, and I spend a portion of my shifts just frustrated and on edge because of it

Jack also has issues socially, he often says or does things that other people find uncomfortable or embarrassing, I reference that in Bitter, where Jack assumes everyone is mad at him because he said or did something stupid, this I have much experience in, while in the middle of a social situation it's easy to just do what comes naturally to you and not realise it's off putting to other people, because people often play polite and you can't tell that they're uncomfortable, even though people around you find it painfully obvious

sometimes it's easy to see in hindsight after you've been told you made something awkward or uncomfortable, but in the moment if nobody says anything about it, you can remain either totally oblivious, or become anxious and second guess every interaction you have

Jack is the oblivious type, he's fortunate to live in a family that is fairly understanding, they might get frustrated with him, or embarrassed by him, but they don't really take it personally, they KNOW he means well, they know he cares, and Jack does care, he cares a lot, he feels things a lot, he's incredibly empathetic

this is a trait that a lot of media likes to ignore in depictions of autism, because I guess it makes people with autism seem 'too normal', when tv shows always want to be like 'hey wow look at this clever asshole! isn't he clever, but also an asshole! but you can't hate him because he's ✨autistic✨ and he can't help it'

that bothers me a lot, I mean some people with autism do have trouble relating and empathising with people, my brother is one of them, but some people with autism really empathise a lot, some of us feel things very strongly, I'm highly empathetic and it's a real struggle to cope with

so yeah, it is a very complicated thing, so you need to go in with an idea of what their character struggles with, how it affects them, and when it's relevant in the story, also autism falls on a very wide spectrum, some people, like myself, are able to mask well, but that creates a big issue with identity, when you start to wonder how much of you is real and how much of you is mask, then you have to decide if you want to lower that mask and accept the social consequences of expressing yourself naturally

I have a friend who presents a little more obviously, he's very rigid in his ways and he talks like he's reading from a script, I have another friend who can socialise just fine, but will go into a total meltdown when a plan gets derailed and she doesn't know what to do next

another friend I have is highly social and incredibly boisterous, she stims with her whole body, dances around a lot, she's chaotic and that can be off-putting to people, she's had to spend a lot of her life holding that back, she's only recently started learning how to be herself shamelessly

my brother was incredibly social when he was younger, and people always really loved him, but most of that is mask, he's socially anxious and just wants to be alone most of the time, and he's a total prick to his immediate family, I don't take that personally any more, since now I understand that he's so blunt and brutally honest because he isn't masking with us, but also he still needs to be called out when he oversteps, autism might be why he has difficulty empathising, but it's not an excuse to be a complete asshole, even people with autism need to be called out on shitty behaviour, it isn't a get out of jail free card, our self expression shouldn't come at the cost of hurting other people, most of us are more than capable of learning to not be an asshole

I know this is like, A LOT, but these are the things that need to be considered when writing about autism, it is an all encompassing thing that permeates your entire life experience, I absolutely welcome people like you to try to write about it! Because I think it shouldn't be a taboo subject, and I appreciate that you asked for advice and that you want to do it respectfully, you've probably seen first hand how difficult living with autism can be, having a family member on the spectrum, so you already have some experience to draw from, I don't know your relationship with your sister or how old she is, or where on the spectrum she falls, but if possible you can ask her about her experiences in particular situations that you're having trouble writing, if that's something you and she are comfortable with

I hope this helps, just remember to keep an open mind and listen to any feedback you might get, it is very VERY easy to misrepresent autism so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't quite get it right, if someone gives you a critique, take it in stride and use it to become better ~ you can even express that in an authors note, that you want to write it accurately and invite anyone with experience to share their opinion, because like I said, it is different for everyone and my experiences are not universal, and you're welcome to run something by me every once in a while if you aren't sure about it ❤️

#asks #autism #danny phantom #bitter #jack fenton #this shit be COMPLICATED y'all

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sanstropfremir · 3 years

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i’m curious - how would you rank kpop dancers? i think taemin is the Standard because he’s just that good. others who stand out to me are boa, kai, and chungha

i should probably preface this to the new people that have come around since i started doing kingdom reviews and don't know: i'm not a trained dancer but i have worked extensively and had very close relationships with dancers for the last decade, and i do consume a fair amount of dance-related content outside of kpop.

i actually have a few categories that i rank kpop dancers on, so i wouldn't say i have a definitive ranking of best dancers, but i do have a scale of the ones that personally I like watching the most. my enjoyment of watching a dancer depends on three points: how technically skilled the dancer is, their style and charisma, and ability to execute the concept/choreography (with the obvious caveat that not all kpop dancers have been active long enough or are in place where they have artistic control over concepts). my personal preferences lean much more heavily towards personal style and concept, because technical skill is just practice. something i consider to be the sign of a true artist in any field is synthesis; the ability to understand how to create something that’s optimized specifically for the circumstances. i do agree, i think taemin is the standard because he does have this holy trinity. but he has an advantage because he’s been active for SO long; he's had the time to develop a signature style and the dude is insanely smart. he knows how to deconstruct his concepts and his movements into the bare essentials that are sharped to the most effective precision. this interview with jaejae is an excellent watch if you’re curious and have 20 minutes because it's just him talking about the specific movements he makes and why he makes them. he also works to a very high conceptual degree that is uncommon within kpop, so it makes him stand out even more as an artist. rain and boa i would also put up near the top, because they have had insanely long careers to hone their skills and artistry. my other top female dancers would probably be hyoyeon, chungha, and hyuna. i really enjoy watching hyuna’s choreos because they're always a little bit weird and fitting to the songs themselves. flower shower is one of my faves of hers.

as far as male dancers go, taemin is, unsurprisingly, my favourite. i do think kai is deserving of a top ranking because he is extremely talented and i LOVE the concept film for his solo debut, but his personal style really irks me because he never finishes his extensions. i think this is partially an sm training thing and also partially because the dude has like, a permanently fucked up back. i enjoy watching zhang yixing (lay) much more, and yes i am going to include him because he’s still technically a part of exo and that counts. i find him more expressive, and also he, like taemin, has very clear conceptual intentions for the work that he makes. also his main style currently is krump, which is extremely funny because he’s such a softie and also fuckin KRUMP? it's both a difficult street dance subgenre and a very uncommon style to see in east asian media, so the fact he’s out there doing it at all is impressive. here’s a favourite stage of mine, and also this stage from sdc3.

there’s a number of younger generation male dancers that i think are very talented and given time, could come close to reaching this triple threat level. hwanwoong from oneus can perform, plus he’s pretty adept at switching between different styles and also he’s got a good choreography brain. ten also, it would be very remiss of me to not mention him; he has a very distinct style and the lovely choreo he did with winwin is a beautiful piece of contemporary dance. also hoshi, i dont watch any seventeen content but spider?? damn boy, you might give taemin a run for his money if you keep this up while he’s away.

there’s a lot of others that i think are skilled and i love watching, but don't necessarily have the same sort of all encompassing draw; runners’ up include yoo taeyang, shownu, yugyeom, and key.

now if we want to get talking on favourite choreos, as a separate entity from dancers, that a whoooooole ‘nother post (that’s probably twice as long lmao)

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