What's, in your opinion, the most fitting song on the CoCaL playlit???

Eeeeeeeeee okay sorry I took so so so long to try to answer this lol. I keep thinking about an answer then I'd forgot to actually respond and I also keep forgetting I made that playlist cause I for sure have more songs to add to it by now!!

I actually still don't think I can pick a song for this question, somewhat cause I'm very indecisive but also because I did pick a lot of songs to focus on different specific stories. By know there's so many backstories for each character and plenty of OC lore that it's all branched out! CoCaL is made up of a bunch of solitary tales that eventually intertwine into a whole.

"Egg and Soldier", "Sleeping Giants", and "Passerine" are so so so good for the war trio and their story. "Inkpot Gods", and "Dear Arkansas Daughter" fit into the complicated feelings between Nastya and Jonny deliciously for me. "Beauty", and "A Place by a Lake" make me go insane over the royal trouple OCs. I think "White Rabbit" wound up there for Ivy, and "Sweet Bod" and "Cicada Days" for Raphaella. A handful of silly tracks gifted to my favorite sillies Toy and Marius, like "See You Tomorrow", "Like Ships", and "The Wind and The Rain".

There ARE plenty of fun tracks I picture for the general main storyline though, like all the Beauty and The Beast tracks and "Interdimensional". So yummy.........

I'd also mention that I can go into detail about any of songs, which I still can, but uuummmm admittedly some of the songs I picked out to put in there I forgot why I put in there lol.

But yee. CoCaL playlist yumgy :)

i will also take any and all agent 24 stuff you have... stinky hyperfixation gettin the better of me rn,,

Sorry for late answer : forgot words. and the concept of time. Cus i kept adding things and yeah... if i keep adding things ill never answer so here have this now haha.

(also using names of my agents teehee)

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Ripley likes when eight holds their face? Or squish their cheeks . Or headpats. :^) they are embarassed about it though (cus what if she thinks its annoying etc. She doesnt but still) so they never told eight outright, she kind of discovers it on accident lol but hey she likes touching ripley's face so it all works out! It makes them feel pretty, a little bit.

When ripley has trouble sleeping (which is often so to be more accurate : when eight notices that ripley has trouble sleeping) eight will talk to them about whatever is on her mind, recite a few lines of whatever poem she's been thinking about, maybe even sing a little... though they feel guilty about keeping her awake. her voice really helps them relax.

Ripley kind of mumble songs Sometimes... one might call this singing even. But its not also lol. It makes eight really happy to hear them "singing" for no reasons but they are way too shy to do this if its not literally karaoke night 99% of the time. they only do it when they think they're alone or that eight is sleeping or smth. The song they hum is usally some daisy bell old songs type. Of songs ok the word song is there too many tile anyway

Ok one more thing. They can actually go wild on karaoke nights though since singing is The Point so might as well. But usually only if they duet w eight or a friend at least....theyd have trouble on their own(they sing as badly as possible on purpose...)

Ripley got their ear lobes pierced at the same time as eight lol. She was asking them what kind of earrings she should get once she gets them pierced and they were like idk i never had earrings before. "What ! But why?" "Idk,? Im not a big jewelry girl i guess. Also not allowed when doing agent work so" eight got a pair of gold sun earrings and got ripley a pair of silver stars("uh ripley, what is your favorite time?" "Like of the day? Night time, peace and quiet... why?" "No reason ! ^_^"

They both can be.. Chivalrous? yeah. toward the other in a way... so sometimes alex or other ppl have to witness their opening-the-door-for-the-other-first wars and shit like that. Which is Very funny to Me

When they carry groceries back home ripley always tries(and usually succeeds a little bit at least) to take the bags that eight carries

Ripley learnt/learns octarian for eight👍 every now and then ripley makes sure to compliment her in her own language etc.. also its practical to translate for her when she forgets a word, or its meaning.

They both have matching keychains somewhat... Eight has an orange inkling squid form keychain And Ripley a pink octo :)

Eight likes puzzles ! She thinks its fun to try and complete one with ripley every now and then.... but they dont always have the patience for them and sometimes try to brute force them, its okay though, eight thinks its funny lol. Plus it works sometimes so...

They have a plush of the other :^) eight made one of herself, ripley and alex after alex joked about how itd be funny if they were "marketable plushies"(the meme etc). They look very wonky but are greatly treasured.Ripley keeps theirs at home but eight actually takes plush ripley with her outside sometimes. Takes pictures etc and sends them to ripley LOL

ripley knew... one(1) magic trick (the coin one where you make the coin disappear but then you pull it out from behind the ear). Learnt it as a kid, was watching a show on the tv (the one at home was Very broken at that time...) of the local shop lol... then the owner saw them and they ran away. One day she does it on eight and shes like. "Woah !?" Cus she never saw a magic trick before LOL even a classic like that, and she tries to guess how it works etc. After a few guesses she understands how, and since then ripley tries to learn new tricks for eight to figure out... a small thing they have between the two of them

Ripley doesn't consider themself to be too good at writing stuff but they felt bad about not at least trying to write a poem for eight considering how many she wrote of/for them sooo they tried to write one.... Their handwriting is usually shit so and spent hours following a calligraphy tutorial LOL. Bought fancy paper etc... theeeen when it was time to read it to eight they lost All Confidence so they just gave her the poem for her to read. And she does ! she starts to get teary eyed in the middle of the poem and ripley's all like "oh shit is it that bad?? Im so sorry" but no... she loves it ! She now has the poem with her always... follded,in the inside of her phone cover

Ripley isn't too good at showing affection in public spaces beyond hand holding and like semi hugs cus theyre shy (but also its like. "Well id feel horrible if people thought badly of eight due to the fact that shes with an ugly lil thing like me... i dont know...") they dont mind if eight is the one kissing them they just have trouble being the one to do so... but sometimes they get brave and give the back of her hand a lil smooch prince kiss style LOL . Or a small kiss on the forehead :^)

Eight has a picture of ripley as her phone's lockscreen, and ripley has a picture of eight as their phone's home screen :^)

When ripley is in a very good mood they will lift eight off of her feet and spin around when they hug her ^_^ eight likes it it's funny... and cute.

When they hold hands, eight gives ripley's hand a lil squeeze every now and then :^). Ripley. like.. rubs the back of her hand with their thumb?

Eight bonks ripley on the head sometimes (affectionate). Like cats...

Or like. nuzzles yeayh

TY for the ask o7

:3

Hunter?

ive gotten TWO (and a half) asks can you tell. i have a favorite

What I like about them

hes such a bitch (affectionate) and also a NERD hes sweet and likes to learn and is just a little awkward hes trying his best.

What I dislike about them

he needs to stop running off into the wood whenever he is having a panick attack and start relying on others. get better coping machinaisms

Favourite moment

oughh hm. love like every flapjack and hunter moment (rip)

Least favourite moment

any sport in a storm had a few minutes where the second hand embarassment was so bad i could not handle it. im like stupid sensitive to that kind of stuff and sometimes i have to leave a room when its TOO much. my guy please. i do like the episode i dont hate it at all i just was like. incapable of watching it lmao

A situation with this character that I want to see explored more

augh like. everyday coven life stuff (this also goes for lilith too). id love to see like a day in the life kind of thing espeically like before lilith left the coven. what chaos goes on in the castle,,,

An interesting AU for this character

I HAVE LIKE A BILLION AUS FOR HUNTER. uh. i have my reverse au. i have the 55k fic i wrote where he accidentally kills belos and has to secretly run the goverbment (go read weekend at belos's its funny i promise). i hae an antimatic im working about him. i also had one for a while where pre-canon he ran away from belos and fled to the human realm and just. worked at the 7/11 down the street while living in the portal shack and luz befriended him. i wrote a few ficlets for it but never posted anything but its a fun au i had. it was Luz getting her first friend + hunter realizing that belos kind of sucked actually and camila trying to adopt this rabdom teenager her daughter found (she genuinly thinks luz is lying about him or is talking about one of her book characters and then after she meets hunter shes like oh ok. adoption) its fun

A crossover

i dont really have any crossovers hmmm,,,

OTP (or OT3+ etc…. just… favourite ship)

augh im like. all my favs i hit with an aroace beam so. not really lol

Other ships?

i kind of bounce bwteen bi hunter and aroace hunter but like. he should go through the struggle of "damn they're pretty" and also appprecuating your frieends beauty.

BROTP

him and luz!! again. worte an entire fic of their shenaningans. they are obnoxious and love each other. i also think something with hunter and the collector would be interesting but i dont know if they would like. get along and be best buds or anything. also him and gus!! adultified buddies but like. they're adultified in oppostite ways so they can combine to be One Whole Guy. thats how hunter and luz work btw but with being neurodivergent

NOTP

againt jusy like. no weird age gaps and incest yada yada.

An assortment of headcanons! 

OKAY

have the headcanon that belos like. shoved him into a caretaker role (which we see a Bit of in canon but i take it to an extreme). loves to play it up as "sick weak frail old man who needs his nephews help" so parentification yay. hes good at like cooking and cleaning and knows how to make a bunch of BI ersion of 16th century dishes. if something happens thenhunter feels guilty because its His respoinisbibly to take care of belos beacuse belos doesnt have anyone else!!! (false belos is juts a needuy bastard who wants to be taken sre of by his older brother and likes to play house wiht his grimwalkers. i have so many feelings about that btw)

he is just. such an isolated kid. no one noticed/cared what was going on and i get a little infuriated every time i think about it. i have so many emotions about his little sprig plushie and whenever he has to leave it behind in a fic i get emotional. he goes back to the wreckage of the castle post canon and finds his room in the rubble and sure some things are destrpyed but a few books and knickkacks are salvegable. he finds sprig a little torn up but sews him up and its ok.

he likes learning about Everything. like theres so many intersting things all the time he wants to read!! in the human realm he just devours books about everything. wikipedia rabbit hole. kinda guy who knows a random fact for almost any occasion. multitracker hunter but tbh he wouldnt really do much at hexside besides like. hes doing it for his friends. i think he would help dell out with the palistrom trees and also specialize in potions (since you dont need magic for that). he has private tutors in the coven im sure so hes probably educated very well.

hes got all kinds of fun grimwalker traits. hes mostly immune to boiling water. his eyes glow in the dark. sometimes when willow is using plant magic he can feel it under his fingnails and his hair. his hands have weird scarring and peeling and listen. listen. evryone was so dissapoited that hunter didnt have scars under his gloves but i was on the hype train for day One since HUnting Palismen bitch. i give him gloves all the time bc sensory issues + hide fucked up hands + mepahor for hiding yourself.

also is neurodivergent and trans. personanly perfer ftm but every variation is good. mtf hunter would be named bailey. his medications are like. wird mix of plant and witch medicine because grimwalker. has a terrible time in the human realm bc hes super unmedicated for a while but they find a human equivalent and hes fine now. kind of.

ok thats enough of that

a bonus thought post for the night!!

on that nostalgia raising feelings train but it derails so it got long so its under a readmore :*

scrolling my old art made me a bit sad and nostalgic (who doesnt get those feelings though doing the same) specifically i really have my heart going out to kid me who got basically no notes on anything. (im not saying i shouldve, art was definitely kid art and questionably tagged etc!) but some i put effort into and it made me so happy to get those 10 likes or whatever. it made me post post and post even what i was working on and unfinished bits (Sure, being me? many of those never got finished bc posting gave the hit of reward chemicals, no response meant no motivation to finish to get more yknow?)

its weird thinking ive now as an adult got a handful of posts with -hundreds- of notes. one over a thousand!! (sure, the really good and popular artists may have thousands but hey they deserve it!!) its weird that i sort of maybe now know what to do to get a reaction out of my prefered niche of the internet. that if i tried w some more consistently, who knows?

im proud of everything in my current art tag. (mostly. no. i am proud shut up brain) i feel slightly like posting more wips. bc i have a ton. surprisingly? ive been drawing way more in the past year than ive been posting (new for me). of course, there is no obligation to post it. why post stuff im not happy with? only to get anxious abt it? sure posting that one teaser when i was actively working on making it better was kinda fun. sure maybe posting some wips would make me go back and finish them bc some of them are good ideas?? but also some are just. theyd make sense to nobody but myself. and why should i share every crevice of my creativity like i used to as an attention craving kid?

my blog is my blog its me, its not a nice art blog its got all my vents and whatever i like to reblog on a given day on it all together. i could make a new tag that feels less like a portfolio to post wips i abandoned or doodles that never went further. it might be nice having them out here. but somehow i feel like id be too embarassed to post them, for my few followers to actually see them. what if i actually tagged them and ppl in tags saw my nonsense doodles? is it worth it? right now my art tag feels like its: dinluke and finished at that ONLY. things that people who come on my blog would like to see perhaps...

hahahhahahha i just crashed my Krita trying to with brash abandon look at all the unposted wips i have at once

turns out i have like. a handful of original works that never got past a rough doodle stage which is fair yknow they were just ideas that could be fleshed out but dont need to. some of them are very personal vent art

ive got a few sketch to tiny doodle to questionable attempt at painting etc bits of the star wars ladies. reminds me that i should branch out in my star wars posting and that drawing women is just way easier and more natural to me why dont i do it more?

ive got a good few fic inspired sketches that never got legs and tbf? theyre olddd now.

ive got like 12 frames of the inktober challenge from last year... in the style of posting 5 at a time, theyve all been sketched out and like half are i think finished. obviously october went long and at some point it just felt weird to post them even if i finished them. i sort of decided if i finish them up early autumn i could get away w posting them for beginning of october while i had a try at the new inktober? idk why i like a challenge to force me to draw more than i do in a year. and then it takes me a year lol. i have a set of 5 that are all inspired by fic, and like. i still like the idea of them. unfortunately? some of the references were old..  A YEAR AGO. sure theres like, the appreciation for vintage and telling ppl we like their work ages on. but i worry the authors no longer are in the fandom or want to be reminded of their work? etc etc. some of them are meh, some i like.

ngl i am especailly happy w my oct 31 post, which i really wish id finished on time for last year. heres to seeing if i post it this year? maybe i’ll finish what i want to finish of them (theres like. 2 im just really not inspired for and never was) and then have a wee collage of them to post, w the oct 31 prompt seperate, as a sort of. hey wip clear out! these are the stragglers from last year :))

maybe ill post original art one day when i get drawn enough to finish one.

ok ok hi welcome indepth to my thought process, bonus thoughts for every thought included. this doesnt need to be on the internet SURE but its a small time capsule for myself ok?

i dont think right now making a doodle tag to post wips is gonna bring me anything but anxiety and feelings of inadequacy i know too well from posting art as a teen. maybe at some point itll help break the barrier and ill just. post shit but it doesnt have to be on my ““portfolio tag”“

i could pick up an wip to finish now, ive got a good few candidates. but i think i should best just, shake off the cobwebs on smth new so i dont feel like im ruining it. it might be a rey or a leia or other star wars heroine portrait. it might be grogu bc hes an already ugly gremlin. it might be something else. i might be talking a high load of shit bc its 3 am again and i should go sleep rather than push myself in delirium. odds are tomorrow im exhausted again, feel like i should do things that actually benefit me in my life and address responsibilites, and shut down under the weight of the thought of it and not do anything until i go crazy at night again? time will tell but rn im stuck in that loop.

perhaps i should never have posted this bc its very long and personal but also? i kinda doubt anyone will read it and thats ok :)) if you are here, hi sorry that you know me better now! uhhh thoughts on the above?

that’s fascinating because I know a lot less than you do and to me it seems

anti-lancelot agenda: the Victorians

anti-kay agenda: like... a lot of the major works

omg hi anon i dont know if you know less than i do but you probably dont i know like nothing im just here LOL youre good and fair warning for my arthurian mutuals or anyone else who reads this really this is going to be my own personal interpretation and not anything you should take as solid fact or analysis LOL also preface im not going to talk ab the prose lancelot here cause i havent read it and i feel weird talking about things i havent read LOL 

anyways i dont think that medieval works where kay gets humiliated or embarassed (which uh. is a lot of them lol) are really trying to say something about how they think kay is a bad person/awful character etc etc i think mostly he’s there for like. some form of comic relief? idk. i think he is certainly a punching bag character most of the time but in an affectionate way, while he does get pummeled a lot its not because the author is trying to condemn him for his actions because they view him as a bad person who needs to be punished its typically to be a. a foil for the mc (typically gawaine) so that their deeds look even greater in comparison (and even that isnt like..a constant imo like in the perilous graveyard kay is a foil to gawaine but its to rag on gawaines inaction and faults i digress) and b. said gag character. also kay has a lot of immunity in the texts lol, no matter what he does and how much he does suffer he does...always get out of it fine no matter what happens to him (see: him getting ragged on by arthur all the time esp in the dutch stuff but he never dies or is that severely harmed or anything even though he most probably should have) even on like..a grander arthurian ‘’canon’’ scale kay is almost always one of the characters to survive the strife of camlann and the fall of camelot so like. yeah. thisll make sense when i talk about lancelot and i will talk about him right now

anyways i think while lancelot is the hero of many romances and literature and who typically gets a more in depth look at his character than kay (but i also think kay one of the few arthurian characters with deeper characterization throughout multiple texts) i think that most of the time he is condemned by the authors even if he isnt said to be explicitly wrong in the text...like lancelot DOES commit many transgressions, far more serious transgressions than kay (while i do think that you are supposed to view knight of the cart as satiricalish/comical in genre awareness you know what i mean adultery is not the same as like cursing people out and then getting the shit beat out of you for doing that) and he DOES get ragged on by the authors for this even if he isnt ragged on in the text itself. like even chretien de troyes, the creator of lancelot (sidenote: do NOT debate me on who came up with lancelot it was de troyes it was him. this does not make lancelot not a valid arthurian character hes just a guy.) did not like him and while knight of the cart textually presents lancelot as a hero the author is condemning lancelot personally and metatextually in a way the author does not condemn kay 

and unlike kay, lancelot DOES suffer for these actions in the text, hes not immune in the same way kay is. in the post vulgate cycle and things based off it which i have actually read like le morte he cannot achieve the holy grail, him and guinevere’s affair (i will put this in big air quotes cause i actually have a lot of opinions on this but i will. keep them out sigh. anyways while i do think the authors of many medieval texts were not personally fond of lancelot i, phineas, am and i find his actions reasonable but this isnt phineasland so i digress) and his actions after the discovery of said affair ie killing all those people is what leads to the fall of camelot and the destruction of arthurs court. and lancelot is doomed to a life of mourning and repentance in the monastery, which i also think is a notable difference between him and kay in medieval texts: lancelot is typically forced to repent. kay is not. 

TLDR: while kay is typically ragged on and humiliated in medieval works more often, my opinion is that lancelot is condemned metatextually by the author and audience in a way kay is not. kay has a sort of immunity for his actions that lancelot (and to be fair, most of the characters in the story) do not. 

anyways to answer your note about the victorians cause imo they’re both two different things to talk about uhhh i really don’t get the vibe that the victorians disliked lancelot (im not really that deep into victorian stuff yet forgive me haha)! in fact, from what ive read and seen so far irt to art it seems to me like they actually were fond of him lol maybe even more than poor old chretien de troyes. (see: richard hovey, ea robinson, william morris all authors that seemed to write about lancelot often and really delved into and explored his character in depth, many times him as a sort of tragique hero)

 i think if the victorians had a conspiracy against any character it would be gawaine, he is very much reduced in importance imo and i think that DOES contribute to the wider western cultural perception of him nowadays ie that he isnt really that important/an archaic/minor character that only shows up in like. one text and we all know which text that is. 

to be fair i think the wider western cultural perception of lancelot is just like. medieval lit gawaine but blonde LOL anyways i dont want this to become a post about gawaine but yeah i think that from the victorian stuff ive read about lancelot they seemed to really get into him as a character and produce a lot of content for him (see, all the artworks he and gwen gets in comparison to other arthurian characters) so unless ive just been misinterpreting everything ive read wrong idk about most of them really disliking him, or even disliking him in the same way the medieval authors did. 

TDLR: i want to stan lancelot the same way that william morris stanned lancelot i want to depose him as the no. 1 lancelot fan 

anyways thank you for sending me this ask!!!! i got to think a little out of my gawaine box cause i usually dont focus on lancelot or kay and im glad i got to flesh out my feelings on their characters more cause of this 

I copypasted this from my selfship ask yesterday and hhh i dont want ppl to miss out because i lowkey cried myaelf to sleep thinking of him so uh here's a hc about Utonium's past???? Very self-indulgent but shh idc i cant afford therapy

I have kind of a backstory for his ex-wife? Her name was Judith and she goes by the name of Judy.

He met his ex-wife at a pharmacy she works at (she's a pharmacist). He was around his late 20s at that time and is interning at a lab downtown. He would go there quite often to get a restock of antiseptic creams, bandages and plasters because he injures himself quite frequently. He would walk in with a fresh bandages each time and it baffles her because she doesn't understand how someone can be that wreckless to get themselves injured and even more so that his company didnt have any first aid kits in their office (They actually do, Utonium goes through all of the supplies so quickly, he opted to buy for his own in the end because he doesnt want to get embarassed lol). She wouldn't be surprise if he walks in with crutches one day.

Anyway, around that time, I imagine that Utonium is not the same as canon Utonium in classic ppg? He's much more anxious around girls and gets nervous when he sees any pretty girls talking to him. And the same goes to when he sees his first wife as well. He froze up when Judy asked if he needs any help and despite his reaction, she still would help him get what he needs. Although, his visits became frequent to the point it starts to worry her and she ended up asking for his phone number just so she could ask about his condition from time to time. And turns out they have the same interest and those check up calls became normal phone calls before they decided to go on a date months after they met. And then they started dating before he proposed to her 2 years later.

They were married for 3 years, both of them were in love but they wanted kids, Utonium wanted kids very badly. They tried conceiving a baby but all attempts failed. They went to the fertility clinic and there were no issue at all yet they still couldn't have a child and it stresses both of them. One day, they had a big argument about it. He suggested that they should adopt a child but she doesn't want to and insist on keep trying again and again. But, Utonium blurted out that its no use when they tried and exhausted all of the options to get her pregnant, including going to the clinics which made his wife furious that he dares to accuse her to not being fertile enough and so she stormed out of their house. She took his car keys and drove away not knowing that was the last time he seen her alive before she got involved in a fatal car crash. Utonium fully blamed himself for putting so much pressure on her and let his anger stopped him from trying to make his wife walked out of their door and he stayed single for a while, trying to dedicate his life to work and trying to forget that he wanted a family since he crushed that chance and cost someone he deared very much their own life. However, I feel that he still wanted to be a father. I find him to be very pure and gopeful, I dont think his spirit is too crushed, he still wanted kids so he could raise them and teach them to be good people for the town, because the town has too many bad people his wife said, the town needs more good people like him. He has considered adoption but the system isn't very kind to single men wanting to have kids without a mother. So I like to pretend that's one of the reason why he ended up creating his girls too.

I honestly can go on forever about his past tbh lol he deserves more backstory ahhhh

im still rewatching gotham bc its a great distraction from studying and if 17 year-old me was right about anything its that its Fun

but also. what the Fuck were the writers thinking sometimes lmaooo im not even going to list it all because thats too much work, these r just some Thoughts

please dont ask why im watching it if this bothers me this much, i dont have a good explanation. its just Fun to watch fucked up people do fucked up shit i guess. nothing makes sense ever and theres soo much shit to dissect & so many characters to follow. yea that probably explains it

also this embarassing. i do not want to have these many thoughts about this show again.

1. police brutality as a ~quirky feature of this whacky city~. im Pretty sure that never really stops but im only halfway through s1 rn and its a Very big thing there. im not even going to talk about this much more because im not nearly close to being an expert on it & i dont have as much of a clear analysis of it, its just fucked up tbh how they treat such a major issue in real life like a fictional thing that makes their fake city more ~spicy~

2. the way they talk about/use mental health & neurodivergency

Fuck lmao this bothers me so much more now than 4 years ago. in general its a whole mess & a lot of it is probably based on comic stuff eg arkham, but they really portray anyone in there as a child huh. its So disrespectful and gross

at some point they basically only have villains from arkham, which i know is also at least somewhat comic-based but that doesnt rly make it better? great villainization of neurodivergent people guys (& why tf did they send oswald to arkham??? theres literally no reason for that one)

dont even let me get started on ed. LITERALLY Thee worst portrayal of neurodivergency/mental illness ive EVER seen lmaoo. in s1 hes soo autistic coded its almost funny if it wasnt 90% based on bad stereotypes, he literally checks All the boxes. and then he randomly gets the fake fictional shock value version of DID?? i feel like that was the only thing the writers could think of that made sense why he'd ever kill people lol and its a) So lazy and b) Extremely bad for how DID is seen by people. i dont know how DID works exactly so i cant say anything abt if the way it started/his switching was at least somewhat accurate, but its just this typical "evil dangerous neurodivergent dude cant control himself/is just evil to his core because his ~mind is fucked up~" and its so frustrating. Yes hes one of my favourite characters still. Yes i still relate to him way too much. Yes the way hes written is Extremely harmful. those things can all be true

3. queerbaiting. only developed a ship because it was popular with the fans, then make them fight each other for the rest of the show, then have them be ~brothers~ at the end when ratings drop. typical And annoying.

4. this is less of a Real World Issue and more bad storytelling but plot & character consistency are practically nonexistant in this show lmao. this has been run to the ground years ago but its still so weird. the main thing is again ed for me since he was my favourite, but they really changed his entire personality whenever it was practical for the "plot". i could barely recognise him in s3 until i got used to it lmao he was sooo different. u Could make an argument for the riddler vs the ed personality but again thats bad rehashing of harmful stereotypes & Also doesnt fix anything tbh. the only thing that was actually consistent (if im not forgetting sth) was oswald's character i think? he became less gross over time but that was all as far as i can remember. sneaky, manipulative, too emotional, loses everything because of either his mom or ed aka what he loves. he became less smart somehow after s1 which is weird but i guess s1 him would have taken over the country if they hadnt nerfed him. i honestly cant remember anyone else because last time after ca the middle of s2 i stopped paying attention to anything that wasnt ed or oswald but yea it was a whole mess

could you please help type me? im 22 and most everything i will mention will be recent. i am a slow learner where i need the entirety of information for anything to make sense at all. ie i didn't understand fe-fi for a year before i saw one single sentence on your blog and i heard a clicking sound in my head. before that i was on point 0 no matter what. problem is the opposite is also correct where i am convinced i know something but i read one sentence and go 'i didn't know anything at all apparently' when i read that one sentence on your blog i started studying everything from scratch.(1)

it actually gave me a weird anxiety where i genuinly shut off for a while and couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to understand the functions. the more i couldn't understand it, the more i ignored everything else. i pretty much stopped sleeping at some point. but when i decide on something somehow everything feels related to that and i'm like 'ah finally i will know some peace'. this is a very bad explanation but yeah. certain things i think genuinly feel like an attempt of me finding 'relevant things' so i can convince myself, which is why i came to you for help because at this point i have no idea, and the confusion is angering me.(2)

one of my worst qualities is scolding people, specifically for how they behave. i do this a lot where i think you have to behave a certain way in certain situations, you must. i'm trying to work on myself but i genuinly feel like certain things are just inappropriate to the point where i Must interfere, which is something everyone around me hates. i have a tendency to believe that I just know how it must be, so i explain to people how they must be acting. 'you do this which makes people feel like this, which will result in this'is a constant in my life. i also feel second hand embarassment from pretty much anything.(3)

i think my sensing function is last because it genuinly feels like i cannot see. feels kind of dissociative sometimes, like i'm not there. i am completely seperate from the outside world and to some extent, from myself. moreso environment tho. although i cannot always understand that i actually have a body. that has needs. i don't ever realize i'm cold, for example, until someone tells me my hands are freezing. even then its more a fact then me actually realizing im cold. people also ask me if i'm ok a lot because i just straigh up look like i'm not there at all. (4)

i'm completely lost on the n function, i thought i had ne because i explain things as other things a lot, so that to me was ne. i just cannot explain something without giving an example of something else that is completely irrelevant, which sounds like absolute gibberish apparently. like, feathers? protection. enneagram 3? rafiki and simba, for some fucking reason. and i honest to god wouldn't have understood ennea 3 if it wasn't for 'rafiki holding simba up is 3s inferiority complex. the zebras bowing is the superiority complex. they will do anything to avoid simba, the inferiority feelings, so they bow down, as in whatever simba says goes just so they can live. the shadow simba cannot go is their denied shame.' otherwise i cannot understand it.(5)

more things: i am a massive hoarder of things i don't want. books are the number one things tho i hoard pretty much anything. i love reading but most i read is things i dont care about. i have over 800 books and most is things i buy because i see sth and my immidiate reaction is 'some random stranger on the street will question me on this 4 years later' so i buy books. i think, 'if i do not know this, i will straight up die.' i do not interact with people unless i know for sure i can like, talk about Anything that has ever existed, ever.(6)

im prone to many identity crisises and i overthink. i also am constantly swayed from actual interests i have. i make long lists of what to read or where to go and 0 percent of it is based on what i want. it's just me thinking i don't know much history so i should visit every museum and i don't know science so i should read every book etc. i decided to learn guitar and i have barely touched it because i'm learning music theory first aswell as the entire history of rock music and i have to memorize every chord before i am allowed to touch the guitar itself. same thing happened with drawing. with violin. even when im dressing i'm like 'what if someone asks me if i know enough about this band and i dont so then i have to move countries???' so i do not wear it. i get actual stomachaces lol. (7)

i am not competitive but also feel embarassed a lot. i won't put myself forth and usually want to not be seen but i also get offended if someone is better then me, specifically in a field of my knowledge. if i meet someone who has similar interests/knowledge as me i ignore them or the topic for fear that they might know more then me. i hate change unless it is controlled. like sudden news or travel plans are a nightmare and they cause a lot of anxiety but i also am okay with changing things up if i am in complete control of how it will go. that seems to be it. thanks. (8)

--------------------------

Hi anon,

So this isn’t limited to you but whenever people are like “my anxiety over typing myself has genuinely impacted my quality of life” it is something that makes me want to stop typing that person. It feels like I’m enabling a habit that is explicitly not good for them, and it shows up to an extent that is frankly alarming and I really, really hope it is exaggeration and that me saying this will shut it the fuck down in questions that I get. Based on some of the other things you’ve said, if you have not gotten assessed for anxiety you probably should have someone check that out (and if you have, I would spend time working on it and take a break from typology in the meantime), and that makes it pretty much impossible for me to type your enneagram, but I can still do MBTI although the anxiety makes it difficult to determine extroversion and introversion.

With that out of the way, probably one of the xNFJs:

Scolding people is often high Fe behavior, and especially in the way you describe it (as based in how other people will feel about the behavior). It’s difficult to assess beyond that without explanations; scolding people over something like racism is hopefully something a decent person of any type can get behind, whereas scolding people over many other things is just Fe. Based on what you said about needing to be control over changes and this idea of needing total understanding of anything before engaging with it also really does not sound in line with perceiving, which often thrives when jumping in without total preparation.

Either of the intuition functions would see things as other things and tend to engage via metaphor and theme, and the other things you mention as evidence of low sensing seem appropriate for high Ni as well.

namjoon's vlive though ,so many moments lol. But one kinda struck me, when Tae was trying to cuddle jimin on the couch (and he shrugged him off embarassed with "your breath smells" that was cute/funny) but before that Tae says "our armys are watching this so... " so uhm was that..? I mean i absolutely love vmin and my heart soars way too much when I see them being adorable together, so I dont wanna assume thats what tae was doing, ie playing it up for the fans but idk

I know what you mean… I certainly looks bad if that is what Taehyung is implying, like they should play up their closeness. But I actually watched that moment recently, and though I don’t know Korean so I can’t tell for sure, it looks like Tae is saying that in regards to the topic they were on.

After Tae comes back to the room being “Clingy clingy” and Namjoon asks him why he came back he says “It’s a broadcast.” and then goes to sit down next to Jimin. 

After that comes the cuddle which Jimin rejects. So I personally think Taehyung was just continuing with his answer on why hecame back. “Because ARMY is watching/We’re doing this for ARMY after all”(there are different translations here). He also says this before he gets clingy with Jimin, so to me it feels like the two things are unrelated.

That’s my take on it, but yeah, if he said that in regards to being touchy with Jimin it certainly would be weird, and indicatethat Vmin’s intimacy is played up. But considering Jimin actually pushes himaway it doesn’t make much sense either. Not to mention all the times we do see them being close which are obviously not for show or fanservice. 

Jimin also seems embarrassed or flustered, and he hides his face and then smiles before turning away completely. Jimin does this when he gets embarrassed, so I don’t think he was annoyed for real, but rather just flustered. He has also specifically used the “You have bad breath” excuse before when Tae and Hobi has gotten too close, so it’s safe to say Tae’s breath was very likely not the problem. 

I think Jimin’s reaction is like that probablybecause it’s live, so it’s not possible to edit anything and he knows he has to be more guarded with what he does or says. They also tend to whisper to each other a lot in Vlive (and ending up third wheeling other people), so again, another indication that they might just try to keep things a bit private.

Later on at the very end of the vlive Tae also gets close and Jimin tells him to get out of the way, to me that makes it look like the problem really is to get too touchy.

Even so, Tae’s clinginess, and both of theirtouchiness in the whole vlive seem to indicate otherwise. They also get all giggly, so to me it feels like when Jimin obviously thinks about it and notice Tae getting too clingy that’s when he pushes him away even though his natural reaction wouldn’t be todo that. Which explains why they do a lot of other touching in the video but only some times Jimin seem to react to it.

In general this is a very interesting andalmost weird vlive, and one I would consider making a full analysis for. Not only does Vmin seem to come and go, alternating between who is in the vlive with Namjoon, but in the moments they are seen together they basically can’t keep their hands off each other, and of course then there is Jimin pushing Tae away with that excuse of bad breath. So it’s a weird on and off thing that is very contradicting. Personally I think many times Vmin seems to avoid being on vlive alone together, which is rather strange since they used to do it a lot before.

This vlive, together with the few othertimes we have seen Vmin together on vlive these last years, it just seem like they are avoiding being together for too long or being too intimate (the last time Vmin did a vlive just the two of them was in march 2016). This is another reason I think something might have possibly changed between Vmin during 2016, around the time of the first Bon Voyage.

In this vlive and at other times they tend to push each other away and honestly it’s very curious to me. The alternative would be that they really don’t want to be on vlive together, but that seems highly unlikely and would indicate that the bond between vmin indeed is played up. But there is no reason to play it up and I personally find it ridiculous to imagine that their friendship wouldn’t be genuine.

Thanks for the ask though, this Vlive is surely super interesting to look at and raises many many questions. I hope I could explain some parts of how I see it well enough.

Wow, how many did I scavenged?

And also, I should’ve done this in the first place (silly me)

“Sonic!Boom head canon: Sonic, with Valentines’ Day approaching, asks Sticks if Amy has mentioned anything to her about wanting Sonic to do something for her (and of course she has). Sticks, however, mixes up what Amy has said, and chaos ensues. (What do you think?)” | “Could you do a knuckles-and-sticks headcanon: possibly sticks needs someone to go on a hunt/chase after something whacky, and the others are too grounded to believe her? I’m intrigued as to how sticks will get along with the others ;) thanks!” | “For the prompt meme: #1 with SonAmy, please? And could I please have it in the cyborg Sonic AU I explained to you in message? Thank you <3” | “for a promp, how about the Sonic Boom Picnic? How did Amy convince Sonic(or maybe Sonic was the one to ask but wanted to act cool about it) to go on it? What happened before Orbot ruined it and after?” | “May I request something like Boom!Amy on the spotlight? Or anything that involves Amy taking the attention away. Believe me, we all had that phase where we want a character to be on the center stage. Your fics are awesome btw! :-)” | “Hi! I have a prompt, however it’s a little different than the ones you have been given. Here it goes: Sonic, Knuckles, Tails, and Amy venture to Blaze’s world to help her and Silver with something (you can feel free to be creative in regards to what this something is) It isn’t necessarily a SonAmy prompt, but some hints would be appreciated ;) Have fun with it! 😊” | “Oh, you’re doing a prompt! It’s really hard to choose, but I would ask for sonamy in #4 (amy is the angry one ofc haha) or #5 (sonic is saying that)? I can imagine a situation like those! :D and thanks!” | “Soooo I was wondering, maybe you could write a kinda story about Sonic and Amy being a lil bit older (so amy is not 12 lol, maybe shes 16?) and being secret lovers? I dont mind if they’re actually dating or not, but it would be so cool if they had these "make up sessions” in secret or something. If you can set it up in Modern, please? Thanks!“ | "ok ok hun, sweetie, you… you have to continue that prompt! please!!! you know the one with the new character in Sonic Forces and is evil and Amy Rose and Sonic coming for her BUT SHE IS NOT THERE HE TOOK HER WAY omg I need more of that!!! PLEASE I’LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING </3” | “What’s your ideal Sonamy hint that could be in Forces? Not like a love confession, something that is actually somewhat feasible to see in a Sonic game. Love your blog!” | “Can you do a boom sonamy prompt? Like sonic realizing he likes amy? And she is kinda like "whaaaats goin on?” just a collection of sonic acting adorable and embarassed around her is good for me :)“ | "I’ve had this idea for a while but imagine a more mature sonamy (& by mature i mean older like in their early adulthood or something xD) , like sonic coming to terms with his feelings for amy and deciding to do something about it perhaps? i trust you fully with this and your amazing capability to write! (You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but i would just loveeeee to see it) You’re the best my pal !” | “Hi! If you aren’t too busy, would you mind writing a modern or classic (your pick) sonamy prompt? So, a new hedgehog arrives, and *somehow* falls madly in love with Amy. And Amy, being the person she is, is flustered, but is still loyal to Sonic. You know. 😅 And during this, Sonic is annoyed and maybe even a biy jelly. Again, please write this whenever you feel like, because I wouldn’t mind, and don’t want to be a burden. Thank you! :)” | “Ok, are you still doing Sonamy prompts? ‘cause if you are, here’s a 'silly’ one: Remember how you said you wanted to do an actual GOOD SonamyShad love triangle? Ok. Now, have you heard 'Satisfied’ from the Hamilton musical? There, see. Eliza is Amy, but if you want to, you can switch Sonic and Shadow for Alexander or Angelica, you can make Shadow the outcast or you can do a platonic/romantic Sonamy where he is the outcast! (not sonadow) IDK, I just love the feels. :’) You’re the best!” | “Hey this is kinda random, but how would Amy react to the custom character asking for love advice or something?” | “Here’s a sad Sonamy AU: Years later, Amy has move on from Sonic and only sees him as a close friend. While he just does his own thing, he ends up falling for her, but nobody knows this and he fakes his way through. He helps Amy and she ends up marrying, He’s sad but still can pull off a smile. She asks him to dance but he despises slow dances, she offers to teach him and he gives up. Some blushy moments later and he accidently confesses his love for her. What’s next is up to you. ;) (Not Boom)” | “Do you know that thing where people say if you ignore a guy they’ll notice you more? Do you think you could do a prompt of someone telling Amy that and she attempts it on Sonic, only to take it too far and have Sonic go in a downward spiral of longing?” | “Hey! I really love your prompts! They make my day! I was thinking…have you seen that boom!sonamy comic where they’re in a cave on a mission and Sonic is expecting Amy to maybe try to flirt with him? Could it be something along those lines? It’s ok if you don’t do this, I’m sure you have plenty other requests too lol I’ve been craving some good sonamy fics and who better to go to than you? ;)” | “If you’re still doing prompts off of pictures I was wondering if you could do one with this? It doesn’t have to follow it exactly, just the idea of Amy going super would be great ^^” (Art Prompt Trade from @mangaanonymous) | “OK so I need you to find some prompt memes that I can pick from for you to write shadamy and sonamy to cuz I got a craving now thanks to you 😃” | “Amy kicked and squirmed, being held perfectly horizontal in the clutches of the giant robot…” <- first sentence of the prompt | “Tryin’ to keep it Canon” | “Can I have some more jealous boom!Sonic please? I like seeing him fuss over Amy, it’s quite adorable xD (btw your Sly Cooper au’s are the best things to happen to me :D)” | “Can you do a boom!sonamy prompt about sonic and amy raising a child? I don’t think you have done this before, have you?” | “Modern Amy: Just tell me! ~ Boom!Amy: I-pfft! I have no idea what you’re even talking about! -shifts in seat-” Does chats like this also counts? | “Could you maybe write a Boom!sonamy prompt where Sonic and Amy are flirting or arguing and knuckles and Tails are getting quite annoyed and so one of them yells "just start dating already” and things get awkward? Thank you!!“ | "Sonic: Tails? What even is Sonamy, anyway?” | “Maybe you could do a prompt of everyone playing a board game that Amy has." 

That’s all I got…

~For now *sneers

Stay awesome Miss Marya <3

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My dear, you are amazing, thank you!

However, can you please send me these in small turns? I’m afraid it’s too much and I can’t just go through Mayra’s stuff and find all these prompts and come back to this and remember which ones I have found and which I haven’t... I lose my spot.

If any of you wonderful Cuties (What Mayra call her followers) find any of these prompts and check the notes to see that ‘Idontworkforsega’ (Me) hasn’t reblogged them yet, could you please send a link or a way to search the prompt to me? I would be very grateful!

I know there are many prompts out there I haven’t gotten to yet, and your help means the world to me and Cutegirlmayra! But I just need help in sorting these out in smaller submissions or asks instead of all at once. And an easier way to find them would be appreciated!

Thank you for your hard work, you’re amazing, it truly shows we all want Mayra’s handiwork safe and sound somewhere. I’m hard at work right there with you!

Man now im thinking about headcanons on someone else's headcanon and i feel so embarassed lol. Like i would never have the balls to actually leave a comment like "hey i love your supa dark mega ultra backstory heres my dumb ideas out of nowhere for other plots he could have" even tho i love people making comments like that on my own headcanons aaa

SO WHATEVER im gonna ramble the dumb ideas here. In secret. Where that fanartist probably wont see. Which defeats the entire purpose of writing the thing. But i am a shy bitch.

OKAY SO

The idea of a Zeti/Human hybrid is SO COOL and especially with that dark history of him dying of the same disease as his sister and the whole experiment on him being covered up. Which makes me think there could be SO MANY potential plotlines with him and Maria! Like he's torn between wanting to tell her he's alive and wanting to run away forever from fear of her being scared of what he's become, and then part of him doesnt even feel like himself anymore and he wonders if itd be best to just give in to the madness and forget being human.

And i dunno maybe he kinda acts like a guardian angel to her? Like he cant stand never seeing her again even if it means sneaking around in secret and just protecting her without her knowing. Maybe leaves mysterious birthday presents from nowhere? Gets depressed that his attempt to sew a teddy bear ended up terrible because of his claws, but she loves it and makes up a story that this patchwork bear is "here cos he's sick too, just like me!" Kinda like...projects her scattered memories of her dead brother onto the bear? She doesnt conciously remember him but some of the stuff she 'imagines' in her make believe games ends up being eerily close.

And maybe what if someday he slipped up and she accidentally saw him? But she isnt scared at all, like he thought she'd be. She takes him to see her 'secret best friend', the strange ultimate weapon creature in the basement. So Warpnik ends up being roped into playing tea party with his amnesiac sister and a hedgehog and it was possibly the weirdest day of his life, even more so than when he died! But maria still doesnt revognise its him, she just thinks he's another "friend who was made here" like shadow. She talks about how she feels like just another experiment too, because she barely remembers her life back on earth before she got sick. So even though his worst case scenario didnt happen and he has a chance at bonding with his sister again, this was still a traumatic day that pushed him further away from her. Her saying that made him think of her ending up as a monster like him, and how she seemed to have made peace with the idea of never having a normal life. It was the seed of even more hatred of himself, and now a hatred for shadow too, seeing him as something that was hurting Maria by "making her think that freaks like us deserve to live". He's powerless to save his sister and he knows that the labs are doing weapon experiments like him and shadow when they should be focusing everything on curing Maria! So he lashes out at this other poor kid who doenst have any blame for whats happened. Loses control of himself and attacks him without conciously meaning to, but he still knows those ugly feelings inside are really something he really thought. I feel like his 'loopy' monster side would just be him without limits, sorta? Like sometimes his subconcious feelings explode out of him, because he was quiet and reserved as a human. And sometimes its just him being a goofy prankster when he would have been too shy before, but sometimes its a depressing scene of having a nice day with your sister and feeling hope for the future and then you have your claws at the throat of her best friend and she's looking at you with the fear you always expected to see. So maybe that was the incident that led to him ripping off his horns and getting so obsessed with trying to look human again...

Oh also another good plot idea would be him actually meeting the Deadly Six someday! By the timeframe of Lost World he'd be an adult and more like his canon self, so itd be extra interesting! Like theyre all

"whoa, its an adult!"

"HEY WHAT ABOUT ME"

"ok we have zavok but here's an actually functional adult!"

"The dude's talking to a rubber fish!"

"Yeah, like i said, saner than you."

And they'd probably also be naturally HELLA CONFUSED cos i mean where in the heck did this other zeti come from?? Even more confusing that he says he's been here before they turned up, and that he won't shut up about being a human. Itd probably end with them all marching over to GUN headquarters and slapping their shit for DARING to make artificial zeti! And as they do the badass slow walk away from the explosion theyre also like "ok so we all agree we're adopting this guy right?" "Yep" "yeah" "totally"

Probably joining the deadly six would actually be really beneficial to warpnik's mental health! Even though theyre villains he'd still get to see that...yknow...theyre PEOPLE, and his species isnt necessarily inherantly violent. Well..okay..maybe theyre a LITTLE violent, but like not 'mindless beast' violent but 'ordinary teenage pranksters having a blast trolling this blue hedgehog' violent. Your destiny is not set in stone! You can join us and embrace the comic relief!!

I dunno man ive wrote way too many words for a headcanon of a headcanon of a guys headcanon and i dont even know

I love your original stim gifs. They help me realise how much of what I do in my day to day life is stimming, and help me become less ashamed of it. I think you've said before that you have trained yourself (maybe not the best word choice but I can't think of a better one) to stim more freely and stop repressing stims, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you did that?

hi anon! sorry this is later than i said it would be, i bought minecraft and then suddenly like 3 days disappeared… this is going to be a little rambly as ive not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in the last two weeks i believe.

this got EXTREMELY long, so im gonna put it under a readmore:

first, im glad my gifs can help you feel more comfortable, thats a huge reason i make gifs and put them up! when i was first realizing i might be autistic, following people who posted stimming gifs made a huge difference in my self acceptance. (@elzear-stims was the first person i followed for autistic stuff, elz is less active on here now but elz has a lot of stimming gifs up still!).

recognizing things i do as healthy and autistic self-expression, beyond not feeling bad about it, also helps me be more intentional about doing what i need to take care of my brain and body. for example, i have a tendency to pull at hangnails when im stressed, especially when i have to talk to professors or things like that, and have made myself bleed lots of times before. now that i know why i do that (as a grounding stim, because im distressed), its a lot easier to redirect and remember to use one of the many stim toys i always have in my pocket.

second, training myself to not suppress my stims has been a process, and there are still times when i have to act nt because of school or lab. i dont have a foolproof method or anything, but here are some things that have helped me:

1) follow autistic people, and/or the stim freely tag, to help your brain normalize stimming as good and healthy. imo, knowing stimming is healthy on an intellectual level is different from changing your brains initial reaction. we live in a really ableist society, especially in a lot of parts of the internet with “cringe culture” etc. especially if you’ve been bullied or gotten in trouble with authority figures for stimming, its easy to have your first response to seeing someone stim be embarassment or the feeling that its wrong/incorrect. seeking out more content of people stimming can help convince your brain that its healthy and good, and changing that first response will transfer over to how you see your own stims too.

2) get some stim toys! doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy; some of my favorite stim toys are smooth rocks, beads on a string, soft fabric, and those spring/coil bracelets for keys etc. keep them with you in pockets or on a belt loop or something, and you can use them to stim during times you cant body stim. for me at least, Always having something to stim with made my brain want to stim more? since the norm is stimming, not suppressing stims.

2b) at this point for me, stim toys are something i primarily use when im somewhere i have to look nt (class, lab) or when im super overwhelmed and need to chill out post-meltdown (glitter jars and soft things and ear defenders are my go-to for those times). the rest of the time i default to body stims, which at this point are more natural to me. that doesn’t have to be true for you at all tho!

3) pay attention to things you do and a) notice the situation youre in and b) do them more and see how you feel! for example, ive always needed to have my legs crossed all the way (like with the foot hooked back around my calf?) to focus during tests; ive known this for a long time about myself but only knew Why recently; its a pressure stim! i also sit crosslegged All The Time. now i know why i do that (it helps me focus and stay grounded bc im autistic and its a pressure stim) and i can do it intentionally and also not try to sit “normally” because i Know now that will make me less able to pay attention.

4) have autistic friends or people you trust and can be your authentic self around! this one can be really hard, but in my experience being autistic is similar to being lgbt where the people you gravitate toward and want to be friends with usually end up being autistic or cousins (like adhd). i call people who probably arent nt “capital f Friends” actually. of my close friends, most are Friends and both my partners are autistic/adhd! this helps a lot with acceptance and also its really fun to stim with your friends and pick up their stims.

5) stim when youre walking places outside so your brain knows its allowed to stim out n about. when im walking home, i walk through a neighborhood and no one is ever out there (at this point if they are i dont care much but). so i just… let my body do whatever it wants on my walk home. which usually means raptor hands or idle flapping depending on enegy level, and bouncy/toe walking and clicky vocal stims that i try not to do the rest of the time bc they annoy people lol.

alrighty, this is probably way more detail than you wanted but there u go! feel free to ask more questions if that didnt cover what you were wondering or if you have new ones!

11 Questions Tag

 Okay so I was tagged again for this (idk i feel so soft people actually tag me fbhfbjhrfbjfb) by the awesome @artist-aroha 

Here we go~

1. if you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for?? (no genies or more wishes cheeky)

 1/ World peace. please.  2/ To become a successful architect whose works shall change the world!!  3/ To have motivation 24/7 to write/ do what I want

2. if you had to pick out of: having the ability to be only 50% invisible or being able to fly only 0.5cm off the ground, which terrible superpower would you pick and why?

okay we gotta agree that they are both really terrible lmao but i’d choose being 50% invisible just because being able to fly for 0.5cm is really troublesome (like if you move your feet a bit downward you might hit the floor and fall lol). Also bc you’d look like a ghost it’ll be fun to mess around wth people :3

3. if you had to pick one astro member to be your older or younger brother who would it be and why?

what kind of cruel question is this I WANT THEM ALL;;; but if i had to choose it’d be minhyuk!! tbh having him as my younger brother would be so awesome and fun and we’d have this dance room in our house swsdwdsw how funnnn (and sanha would be his bff and he can come over and i’d bake them stuff yay :DD)

4. a kpop idol you think you would click with straight away or be absolute bffs with and why???

I don’t think I have said this enough in my life, but the day I don’t relate to Jackson Wang is the day I die. Even though i’m quite shy and reserved irl, my best friends are so loud and funny lmao and Jackson is such a social butterfly that I think we’ll click right away!! 5. tell me something about yourself that you dont usually tell someone when you first meet them

It’s that i have tumblr blogs haha or that I actually write in general, it’s something i like keeping to myself and i consider as my little comfort zone??

6. been proud of yourself recently?? tell me all about it!!

Honestly? I’ve been feeling so trashy lately bc it’s holidays and yet i have so much work but i didn’t start any of it and i feel guilty whenever i think about it :c But leaving that aside,I’m proud of how my sketching/drawing skills improved in such a short time (less than four months) and also how my classmates consider me a reference when it comes to creativty/colors/new ideas and all that (last time my teacher even ordered them to applaud me for bringing up the Semicolon Project sdwsdwsdws). Oh! and I’m focusing a lot more on helping/pleasing my parents lately (bc that matters hella lots to me tbh). and finally I got way better in baking/ making desserts that now i make my own changes in recipe :3 (that was so long omg i’m so sorry but then again thank you for this!!)

7. whats a kpop song that you keep in your heart very dearly???

it’s either SUJU’s BONAMANA or SHINee’s Ring Ding Dong. they remind me of that golden age of kpop and i consider them as legendary songs 8. whats a kpop song that you immediately dance/sing to the moment it’s played??

I thought about this for a minute and (i mean literally a minute but hey i got so many songs in mind!!) it’s GOT7 - Never Ever. i can’t help but dance weirdly even to the very first beats hahhahah 9. who was your first ever bias and are they still on your bias list??

Taemin!!! (2010) and yes he’s still there~

10. if you bumped into your ultimate bias in a café, what would you do??

Taehyung oh my god oh my god oh mygo Okay so considering I didn’t faint yet and i’m still in my best health conditions, and even though I’d reaaaallly want to go up to him, i think i’ll have to keep my cool and stay where i am seated. Because, honestly, i’ve always thought it was inconsiderate and even rude of fans to follow/jump on their idols and cause a fuss while they’re clearly trying to have some quality time for themselves and take a break from the chaos. so what would that make me?  If he randomly glances my way i’d just smile at him or something, and if i had my fanarts with me or something to write on (which i usually do) i’d write down a short encouraging letter filled with love and give it to him on my way out, while trying my best to not cause a fuss and be as quiet as possible.

11. finally, is there anyone youd love to get closer to or want to say something to on here?? heres your time to express your love!!

um honestly (challenge: take a shot for every time i said ‘honestly’ in this post) there isn’t a specific person i’d like to get closer to, but the fact that everyone here has their ‘squad’ (and my best friends don’t really use tumblr D:) and everyone is always happily chatting and tagging each other in funny pictures and stuff while i’m just there like, um, hi?? makes me feels kinda lonely. and i don’t have the courage to just go ahead and talk to people because i either think they’re too awesome for me or that i’ll just be bothering them. and this is probably why i appreciate all the few interactions i receive here bc it makes me feel like hey i’m actually accepted here or i’m actually good at something and people like what i do.

This post got even longer than the first one omg i’m so sorryyyy

thank you for tagging me and also thank you for the questions it really felt like opening up to psychologist hahah

so since i’m kind of lonely and i already tagged some people last time, i’ll leave this one free for everyone who wants to do it :))

Here are my questions!! excuse my inability to make up great qqs i am probably going to google ”random questions” swsdwdswds

1. Do you prefer towel drying, blow drying or natural dryin your hair?

2. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

3. What do you think you are famous for? Be it here or in real life.

4. What city do you think is more suitable for the title ‘City of love/lovers”: Venice or Paris? or do you have another suggestion?

5. You’re getting married to your idol, everything is great, but your parents don’t approve of your wedding. What would you do?

6. What’s your favorite smell? 

7. What kind of perfume do you like? Classy or natural(fruits/flowers)?

8. Parachuting, Parasailing, Skydiving, Bunjee Jumping. choose one!

9. Have you ever done something really unbelivable, only to have no one around to see it?

10. What’s the most embarassing thing you did?

11. Which foreign languages did you have to learn in school? can you speak them fluently now?

Exo make me melt they are the most talented bunch of men, nice choice!! I fell in love with seungkwan bc of english time and decided to listen to them and fell in love with all the members and their music even more and they became my ults around dwc era, there is just sm love in my heart for them lol, i dont listen to albums so i dont have a favourite :') i actually forgot i was a monbebe secret santa haha so thoughts on people stanning wonho for abs and nothing else??~mss

OH i love the english time series!!! 💕 the creator is so funny, such a meme 💀 i look forward to every single one tbh!!

omg buckle up bc i have a lot to say on this matter & i literally saw this hate anon slander my sunshine this morning so i’m about to let off some steam ✋ ok so first of all: looks. like dude? i understand. when someone first gets into a group & they see someone in particular, they’ll be like “oh i wanna know who this is” like i think that’s perfectly normal. if wonho stood out to them, it’s fine. what’s not fine is if they start “stanning” wonho & they don’t even care to look past his abs & face to see the wholesome person he really is! tbh that’s another thing, i really don’t understand how they don’t get embarassed when someone asks them why they like wonho & they say “well he got a nice body 👅” …..like, yeah. we know. what else though? there is so much more to wonho than just his body. and they come up with something like “well he has a nice smile” like oi…..nvm. and can i rant about this whole “wonh*e” nonsense? like dude. my friends and i have jokingly called each other a h*e many times, it don’t hurt us. but here’s the thing: we never went overboard and we actually know each other vs wonho, who is an idol miles away & all we know is the personality given to us, so why would you call him that….? that’s like calling hyuna a h*e (which she isn’t, i love that woman to pieces) but if you did that, everyone would go nuts. so why not the same treatment for wonho? just bc he’s a guy, it’s ok? no. he literally just wants to do it for the fans bc he really loves us a lot & honestly i’m so happy he has that much confidence in his body to begin with & i just really don’t want to see that confidence fade away from him just bc fans call him these derogatory names, you know? like i don’t ever want to see him upset bc wonho is such a sweetheart to all the mbb’s & he would do anything for this fandom, you can just tell he loves us that much. like, you can’t fake that kind of affection. this morning i saw this anon go ‘i hate wonho the most, he’s the least talented’ or something ugly like that, and i was so ??? like, listen. i know i just began stanning mx a few months ago but istg 🙇 wonho is so talented & like we said, starship tends to produce very talented artists! starship is a professional music company and if they had felt wonho wasn’t talented enough, they wouldn’t have accepted him. everyone has their own opinion but i really believe there’s thin line between hate & an opinion. tbh saying you hate an idol is really unnecessary? like i really don’t care if someone wants to tell me “you’re thinking too much about this, he’s just an idol” like yes, he is. but thinking like that gives me the impression that 1) you don’t really care at all. 2) you’re narrow-minded. and 3) you put these idols on a pedestal when, in fact, they are humans just like the rest of us. they have feelings & it hurts me to think that if wonho (or anyone in mx) were to hear these thoughts, it would just hurt a lot bc like i mentioned before, it’s obvious that he loves us very much & he has such a soft heart, you know? there’s so much more i’d like to say here, mss, and i can’t tell you how kind of worked up i am bc personally, i’m really happy that i chose wonho as my bias and although i just began stanning, i’m really excited to explore the mbb world & learn more about this group and mx deserves so much & so it makes me disgusted that there are actually people who do not want to see anything but their abs. ugh tbh i just want to list reasons!! links!! facts!! on why you should love these kids for more than their abs!! but these ppl aren’t ever going to listen //: so i’m gonna end off here bc i think you’ve read too much LOL so yeah, @anyone who sees wonho as just a sexy gamepiece in the kpop industry….please do not interact with me & drop off the face of the earth & feel free to come back when you are ready to appreciate the blessing that is lee (shin) hoseok 😊 (and i’m really sorry if this wasn’t calm at all but i really just can’t.)

hey so i 'redid' the yansim characters but not all of them i wrote 2 much so

[I put the submission under the cut since it was pretty lengthy]

hey whats up guys i had 2 put this in a submission as well as literally typed this in a note bc im on data & i dont wanna use a lot of it

basically my au takes place in a college instead. seems more fitting bc theyre actual adults & just feels Right.

theres more characters than there is in the original but thats mainly because i took the ‘genderbent versions’ & made them useful (i pretty much made them in2 siblings 4 some characters lol) anyways!! lets break down the characters

also lads, lassies, non-gender specific term for those bc i dont know the term, im givin yall a warning 4 self harm, suicide, nsfw implications/rape, possible drug abuse, and the rest of the Basic Criteria

Akihiko (Previously known as Senpai): He’s gay & trans. His name means 'bright prince’ which really has no significance, I just thought it was pretty……………and everyone views him as a prince bc he’s rly nice and kind and forgiving and actually has a personality other than being a cardboard box. Eventually gets into a commited relationship w/ 'Yandere-kun’ who I really need to give a name. Akihiko has a twin brother, I took that idea from the possibility of a younger sister, and admittingly(admittedly???) enough, Koumi’s 'genderbent’ Hanako. I’ll get into detail on his twin later, but they have a pretty good relationship. Akihiko (it was at this point i actually looked up a name 4 him & went back 2 edit stuff bc i h8 senpai lol) is still childhood friends w/ 'Osana’, who I renamed Ami(i4got her last name i had 4 her). However, neither of them have romantic feelings for one another, considering Akihiko is only attracted to males, and Ami is only attracted to females(theyre gay.). Akihiko actually meets Ayano when she is about to commit suicide, when he saves her. Ami is there with him, so they both save her. Aside from slight backstory related stuff, Akihiko is actually rather popular. People like him for an actual personality this time!! He’s very kind and puts others needs before his, which is rather dangerous. Ami has lectured him on this many times. Akihiko’s also known for having really good grades and being very helpful when it comes to tutoring others. He meets Ichirou (yandere-kun i literally just looked up anothr name his name means first son bc hes the first son btw lolol) eventually when Ayano invites him over. (sry this is everywhere btw i should have put this in2 a specific order) ngl i feel like this is enough on akihiko like if u wanna kno more abt him hmu on my main christopherpierre-official

Ami (Previously known as Osana): god shes so fucking gay like as soon as she met ayano she fuckign DIED bc she loves her so much???she thinks ayano is like. the prettiest fuckgin girl ever. holy fuckshit shes GAY AND WILL DEFEND AYANO WOTH HER LIFE!!!! Anyways. Ami comes from a dangerously abusive household, and as a result, took a lot of self defense classes when she ran away at age 13. (what year is tht in japan pls help) She still retains some of her 'tsundere’ personality, but she’s more thoughtful of others feelings. She met Ayano as she was about to throw herself into highly active traffic, but she and Akihiko were able to stop her before she could hurt herself. As soon as Ami and Akihiko were able to calm Ayano down, they called an ambulance/contacted the hospital, considering she had a lot of bruises and cuts. They would later find out Ayano’s father was extremely abusive, and the mother was unable to do anything because she was away on a trip for work. A lot of people know Ami for how assertive she can be, misinterpreting her mostly good intentions as aggressive. Ami is mostly known for her knowledge on medical related things, but she still has a slightly bad reputation because of how rude she comes off as. again thts enougb on ami if u wanna kno more just ask me!!

Ayano: still keeps the name bc I Like It?? its pretty fuck u. Ayano has none of her yandere personality. She’s fuckign AFRAID of everything bc of her SHIT ASS ABUSIVE DAD!! Her mom’s still kinda yandere tho, but she didnt kidnal the dad or anything. Their marriage is founded off of Pure And Honest Love…….until the mom kills the dad 4 being a homphobic shit bitch lol. Ayano actually has a lot of self harm scars. She barely gets to see her older brother, Ichirou, who is two years older than her, because he’s away or some shit idk he gets abused p badly too tho. Ayano is rly reserved & quiet & im debating on giving her bpd but its Iffy idk. she has ptsd & kinda sorta got raped by some Fucker in middle school (ichirou took care of the fucker (: hes dead.) so she has a lot of trauma going on here!! I kinda sorta projected some emotional trauma of mine onto Ayano;;; Obviously when Ami found out she was fuxking enraged. Ayano can’t afford to move out of her house just yet, and her brother can’t necessarily take her in, nor does he have her contact info. He kinda sorta left thr country for a bit?? Not sure what country I want this to take place in yet. However, Ichirou is fairly powerless against his father as well, so he took a lot of the beatings, (even tho this boy is fucking Strong as Hell like GOD FUCKIN DAMN!!! he can lift his own mom w/o an issue!! but he kinda left like right away as soon as he could & couldnt take ayano i mean she was still in high school & he Obviously has guilt over not taking her w/ him) but not as many as Ayano, seeing as to how she was the fathers least favourite. Her mother never married the father, and she didn’t want the children to inherit his last name either. …..anyways this is enough i thimk

Ichirou (Previously Yandere-kun): Gay. Loves Akihiko. Retains the yandere personality, but it’s not as bad??? He left the [insert surname household here fuck aishi its not even a Real japanese surname] household as soon as possible, and had immediate regrets. Loves his darling little sister with all of his heart, but it’s literally not incestuous. It’s just good sibling love………also he likes 2 embarass ayano a lot lol. As soon as he met Akihiko, who I never mentioned to have pastel pink hair, he fell in love like, right away? Even though I personally don’t believe in love at first sight (that’s a lie I fell in love w/ most of my anime bf’s @ first sight i can shut the Fuck Off) Ichirou was just??immediately enchanted by this beautiful prince…….he’s just that gay. He’s 2 whole singular years older than Ayano. actually not 2 whole years but w/e hes a scorpio tho. Ichirou has definitely been in relationships w/ other men b4 but they didn’t work out too well. Some rando called him 'daddy’ once and wanted to fucking Die he has shit experiences with his dad & hates the daddy kink so much. He also has ptsd. Doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions at all so he just bottles them up and lets them out all at once and it’s a mess. Also has self harm scars, and some scars from his father trying to Literally Kill Him. This boy……strong as fuck. Can lift his own mom. Has held Ami, Ayano, and Akihiko all at once. Somehow. He’s just a really good older brother? But he’s also really sneaky. While he is jealous of the time Ami & Ayano spend with Akihiko (the A squad lol i just realized their names all start w/ the letter a) he does respect that they’re really close friends, and nothing more. He’s also aware of the unsaid feelings between Ayano and Ami (vry perceptive) so he doesn’t care lol. However, he has little to no tolerance of anyone else being around him. He has a slight distaste for Akihiko’s twin, Kazuhiko (the name means harmonious prince i got a Theme goin on here) but he disregards the feelings. wow talk abt an Info Dump okay next 1

Kazuhiko (Previously the 'genderbent’ little sister/brother, made him into Akihiko’s twin brother): He’s actually a yandere too?? But not 4 Akihiko. He’s vry supportive of Akihiko tho. When he & his twin were in middle school, he gave his uniform to his brother bc he still got the sailor uniform, so he took it. There were some troubles but hey I don’t know how this shit is dealt w/ so please. Just accept this brother supporting his gay trans twin……pls….. He enjoys Ayano’s company. She reminds him of his gf/d8m8, the 'genderbent’ version of “”“"senpai”“”“ (theyre cousins but nobody knows yet so thats why) so he introduces them and they hit it off pretty well! Kazuhiko get Jealous™ and nearly exposes his yandere personality but his Lovely Beautiful Nonbinary Girlfriend reassures him tht they only love him. He loves Yuuka (their full name is yuuka minako) so much?? He would kill 4 them. Literally. He almost has. & b4 i accidentally make a cishet character bc i Refuse 2 4 some???odd reason idk, kazuhiko is a Bisexual Demiboy who fell in love w/ a nonbinary who is okay w/ feminine aligned things. Back on track, Kazuhiko is fairly popular w/ a lot of people for many reasons, and oh wow what a Fucking Cliche ppl r strongly sexually attracted to him!!coolio. he looks nothing like koumis fuckass potato lookin little brother btw. But a lot of people hate the fact that he’s in a Very Committed Relationship w/ Yuuka bc shes not that pretty damn!! But she is. She’s so fucking pretty. To him, at least. He basically fucking worships Yuuka. this is A Lot next character lol

Yuuka (Previously 'Senpai-chan’ or w/e lol): Nonbinary who’s fine w/ she/her pronouns, but also uses they/them. Very shy, Ayano & Ichirou’s cousin. Has a younger sister, and two older siblings who are twins. The younger sister is the old concept for the original little sister, and the older siblings are nemesis-chan & 'nemesis-kun’. While Yuuka and their siblings have lived a fairly abusive life, they haven’t sustained as much 'damage’ as Ayano’s family. Yuuka & Ayano are related by their mothers. They are sisters, only a year and an undetermined amount of months apart. This means after Ryoba, Ayano’s mother, or Sakurako, Yuuka’s mother, moved away, they lost contact with one another, never bothering to talk again. Yuuka and Ayano get along exceptionally well, and Hanako (u remember the little sister well her name stays the same bc its meaning is just flower child. also her design changes.) often refers to Ayano as an elder sister. Yuuka’s relationship with her little sister is somewhat strained due to the three year age gap, but they still get along regardless. Their relationship is strained because Yuuka promises to spend more time with their younger sister, but there’s not much time due to an overwhelming amount of schoolwork, as well as their job taking up a lot of time, too. Regardless, Yuuka doesn’t forget to call their darling little sister as often as she can, checking up on her and how well she’s doing in school. next 1!!!! also i4got 2 talk abt their relationship w/ kazuhiko here bc i was rly focused on mentioning family stuff…..oops (also 4got 2 mention mental health stuff??but like. yuuka has adhd, depression, anxiety, u can just ask me if u wanna know more tbh)

Hanako: i kept the name bc it just literally means flower child & honestly shes such a flowery child??anyways. Hanako retains little to none of her annoying rip-off-nico personality. Instead, she has set up a calm, shy exterior as a defense mechanism due to the many years of neglect she received from her father. (me @ myself y r all the dad characters fuxking Dicks in this like??okay damn.) On top of that, growing up, her mother was never around, due to the fact that she was in the hospital to a terminal illness. Instead, she had to rely on Yuuka for attention, since the twins, Tomoko (sister) and Kiyoshi (brother) left before she graduated her first year in middle school. Hanako also has difficulties with her schoolwork because she, much like her sister, has ADHD. Due to this, she struggles to keep up with the class, and has a hard time paying attention to almost anything that doesn’t interest her enough. However, she has many supports, helping her as much as possible in many ways, which does make her feel better about herself. After her mother had made a full recovery and left the hospital in her current year, she has felt much better about herself, and her grades have definitely improved. Although her father did leave her a while back when she found out he was having an affair on her mom, she still managed fairly well on her own. i mean cmon its not like she liked her dad tht much lol he was a Big Fucking Asswipe hanako isnt as fleshed out as i wished her 2 b but shes not That signigicant to the main story??idk. like shes still in highschool & shes only 17 & this takes place in college so??i dunno. i mean if u got suggestions or smth..sure

Tomoko (Previously Nemesis-chan, made her one of the older siblings bc idk y not lol: There’s not much to say about her. She’s 28, which is only 11 years apart from Hanako. She was entirely capable of filling in the missing mother role for her and Yuuka, but she herself didn’t know what to do. On top of that, she was more focused on getting the best grades out of the entire class, and was much better at academics than her brother. Tomoko has a very cold exterior. She is hard to connect with, and pays little to no attention to anyone elses feelings than her own. This mainly stems from the fact that her father, who she doesn’t even consider a blood related relative, was too busy messing around with other women. buddy i dont know what else 2 write 4 tomoko like she just has severe apathy issues & just doesnt know how 2 connect w/ others. next character

Kiyoshi (Previously Koumi’s shit ass 'genderbend’ Nemesis-chan): Unlike Tomoko, he was able to fill in the father-like role for Yuuka and Hanako. Due to having to take on the role of the father, it put a large strain on his academics and work outside of school. He, at one point, almost had to drop out to take care of his younger siblings, but decided against it. He eventually decided to teach Yuuka how to do her own laundry and how to cook when she was only 9. Due to this, Yuuka was able to take care of herself and Hanako while Kiyoshi could work and pay their bills. Kiyoshi was only 23 when he left the household so he could go to college and get a degree, leaving Yuuka at age 15, and Hanako at age 12. he could b more fleshed out but im??i dunno. im Panicking okay do u think i can work on a character tht doesnt rly show up in the story a lot.

anyways im just putting all of These Guys in 1 this 4 now bc this is A Lot as it is. ill do more later also give me criticism on these pls

--

I really like what you’ve done with the characters (especially now that they have personalities and stories behind them, instead of just nothing). Also, the names you gave them were cute.

-Mod Sega

bad feeligns below lol

so like tw for self harm, sui ideation, gender dysporia, anxiety/depression? generally Not Good Feels, parents being yikes, transphobia, ableism, grottiness

so like i feel so shit and every time i get to an okay kind of place the tiniest thing happens and it’s like i’ all the way back at the start? why can’t i just be neurotypical already?

so i ‘m gonna be legally changing my name soon and my parents don’t want me too and while i don’t think they are going to actively stop me i’m worried that they are goign to be make it more shitty to live at home but i can’t go anywhere else? like i am in the midst of yr 12 and having to learn how a new household works and their schedule would fuck me up so bad? plus i wouldn’t want ot burden anyone like that

like i’m really fucking scared? but i’m more scared of what i’ll do to myself if i don’t change my name? like i think about hurting myself every single day and the urge to do it is so fucking strong like? what’s stopping me? nothing? i could fuckign slice my hips open and nobody would ever know it’s winter

i’m just very very scared and very tired and even tho i know my friends love me and support me but like? my family doesn’t. like they ‘’’support me’’’ by only verbally critizing me and not actively standing in my way when i do things (generally) and i’m jsut so fucking tired of it? like i want out but i don’t wanna financailly cripple myself and it’s not like i’m ever going to amount to anything anyway? i mean? for fucks sake? who is going to hire a sad shy ~~~ special snowflake ~~ child? like? i am never going to be employed? nothing i do will be judged based ont he actual action it will always be about me being genderqueer like??? everything will come back to that and i don’t want to? live like that? i’m so fucking mad but also exhausted so mostly i’m sad and i’ve had enough? is it too much to ask to be accepted and love by my family? am i really that? diffficult to love? like? that’s literally all i want is for them to actually love me and support me and it’s not even that hard right? i don’t understand why they are like this ?

i am also goign to fucking fail school, i’m nto doing maths but i still won’t get the score i need to get into the courses i want that don’t have math ass a pre req, but with maths i would get like a 40 study score so? i’m fuCked there isn’t even any point anymore i’ve had enough honestly

like i am such a lost cause i can’t even handle sitting in a room? and making myself actually do homework? in that room in school time set aside specifically for that? like how fucking lazy do you have to be? why can’t i just? fucking? do it? i am actually smart but because i am fucking incapable of putting in any sort of effort i’m gonna fucking fail year 12 lmao what even is the point?

i’m just so tired i never want to do anythign again i just want to be gone for fucks sake? if i wasn’t such a wuss i would be already lol

i keep trying to be lik e’ don’t be mean to urself it’s just ur MI making you like this, don’t walk on a broken leg, ecct.” but like? that’s just me trying to shift rresponsibilty for my own actions off myself why can’t i jut grow up and hold myself accountable lmao?

okAy and also like? my parents say i don’t talk to them but when i do they always get mad at me? like i was telling my dad about how i’m dropping maths but i might be allowed to be able to sit in the class room (my friendss are in the class and i’m good friends with the teacher too) and even tho i’m not actually a part of the class i could study/do homework there instead of in the study center (which fucks me up and i have panic attacks in there like every otehr day lol kms) which would be so fucking good like? i would be so productive and yet? my dad was like ? y don’t u jsut stay in maths then?” and gave me the biggest greasie and i legit had to leave bc i HAtE fighting with my dad bc he scares the shit out of me lol? like my ma i know she loves me even if she is a dickhead sometimes and that she will listen if i write things down and don’t be too confrontational but my dad? i’m terrified he will hit me and like? u know that voice ppl use when they speak to a dog that��s being bad? he uses the same voice to talk to me and my brothers when we do something he disapproves of and i fucking hate it so much like?  i hate it i hate it i hate it and i hate how he will hurt my brothers and i can’t do anything bc if i say anything i’l  make it worse and one of them has adhd and my parents are both super harsh on him all the time and like? nothing they do actually helps him ti’s just easy for them to be mad and have him be scared into doing what they want rahter than actually being responsible and growing and being a good person and i’m so mad bc my brother is literally an angel and he thinks he’s st*pid bc my dad called him (idk hwo to censor it but like? basically he insults his interlligence all the fucking time ) and they yell at him when he doesn’t answer right away and it makes me so fucking mad like he tries his best and they have no understanding what so everr like they don’t even? i’m really fucking mad i love my brother so much and they are shit as too him and i really dont want him to end up like me bc if he does if he ever says anything my dad would probably actually beat him up and i’m terrified for him? is that silly? idk since i think abt sui like all the time i’m just scared he might also get like me but bc he’s not ‘’’’a girl’’’’ (i’m not but that s why feelings are ok bc females are weak appaz lmoa) and they will jsut tell him to get over it and i’m so?

i’m so fucking scared and i dont want to feel like this anymore but it won’t stop and i dont’ know what i’m supposed to do i literally cannot continue like this but i can’t cchange anythign bc i’m so powerless and weak and i fucking? why can’t i jsut be okay ffor more than a few hours at a time is that to much to ask? i jsut want to be fucking happy and i’m never going to be able to achieve that? i’m never going to get into the uni i want, i’m nto gonna be able to go to the places i want, i’m not going to be able to live how i want i’m not going to be able to do anyting? my life is just gonna be under the thumb of my parents until i fucking die and i’m too weak to change anything and i hate myself lmao

i cannot even look in the mirror it’s so fucking? painful? like i just want to be recognised as myself is that oo much to fucking ask? for people to use the right name and the right pronousna dn to not invite me to fucking girls nights ever again.

i feel like a clown with makeup on and i feel like a boy with pants on and i hate both i hate it i hate it i hate my long hair and i dont want to get it bleached againa nd i don’t want to keep it but i’m too sccared to fucking cut it off bc my ma will hate it and i hate the way half of my shirts cling and show off my boobs and i hate my boobs but at the same time they are really nice boobs? i’m proud? i hate the way my cheeks are pudgy and my jaw isn’t sharp and my forehead is too big and my chin is covered in pimples and so it my back and my shoulders and my feet are bony and weird and have big veiws and my hips are too big and my arms are disgusting and my ribs stick out funny and my fingers are always msising skin and i have scabs on my scalp from where i’ve scratched it oo much and i hate how sometimes i can’t wash my hair bc there are too many cuts on my fingers and it’s too painful and i just wish i could fucking? not be like this i wish i could work out without being embarssed, i would i could put my msuic on in the car without beeing embarssed, i wish i could fucking exist in any sort of space outside my bedroom without beign embarassed i wish i could push through that embarassment and o things i want to do i wish i could fucking do something? literally anything? just? do ? something? i wish i wasn’t such a piece of shit