#i don't know. it's always a little a lot scary
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Okay time to be really opinionated: I think almost the entire TMA fandom writes Michael Distortion wrong.
Every time I read a fic about him people are emphasizing how swirly and elongated he/it is.
What's scary about Michael is that it is essentially the living personification of gaslighting. He makes everything else metaphorically swirly.
Sure there's "nobody would believe you", but most people who meet Michael think he looks angelic. He only looks scary out of the corner of your eye, or if he's feeding you just enough truth to get your guard down. He's fun to draw and describe as a psychedelic nightmare, but he is basically the gaslighting demon. It's a polite young man with curly hair and a beautiful smile who you could absolutely take home to meet your mother.
You only know he's a monster because your lizard brain starts screaming.
On a related note, its portfolio also includes dissociation and hallucinations, and nobody takes enough advantage of that– like, kissing Michael. Lots of people describe kissing Michael as a very physical event with notes of static and that tingling sensation of limbs falling asleep. A good start, but my argument: you feel him smooching your cheek and giving your hand a cute little squeeze, despite the fact that he's across the room ordering a coffee. It feels so real. You can feel his callouses catching at your fingers, but no matter how you flex your hand there's nothing there but air. You don't know if you just want it that badly and your eyes are lying, or what. He brings you a coffee and the sensation vanishes.
I know exactly what that episode about "the man who wasn't there" was because I've experienced it, and nobody utilizes that enough. Have you ever closed your eyes and tried to walk through a room, and been Firmly Convinced there was an object in front of you you were about to run into, despite no evidence of such an object when you open your eyes? It's a little like that. Any sort of relationship with Michael Distortion (not recommended and likely a way it has killed many people) would involve you getting comfortable with the fact that your senses are lying to you at an exponentially increasing rate, like a frog slowly being boiled alive.
Is he there? Is he not? Does it matter? You feel loved. You remember being told good morning and eating a homemade breakfast. Did you actually? Maybe it's a memory from a year ago you only think is from this morning. He's adorable even if his laugh gives you tinnitus. Maybe you've always had migraines. He takes care of you through them. Can you remember what he does to take care of you? ....normal people stuff, probably. Ice packs. You think he brought you ice packs once. You're sitting at a bus stop, going... somewhere, for a reason you're sure, and your body is telling you you're sitting on his lap but you keep checking, tapping with your nails, and the seat is hard metal. Does it matter? Maybe it really is him. You'd prefer if it was him. These cute little hallucinations are his way of showing affection. It's comfortable, even when the city shuts off your water because you only thought you paid your bills. He gives you his coat in the rain, and you laugh together and run through the weather, but when you get home you're holding a stranger's purse full of cash instead of a coat and you have no idea why. It's his idea of affection, though. He says he loves you when you ask about it, anyway, and don't you need the money now?
He's a lovely young man and the only normal thing in a world gone mad. The gloves only come off when it's done playing with its food.
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the girl next door 19
Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.
Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.
Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.
This lewk but silverfox
You stare straight ahead, to humiliated to look at the man next to you. You haven't since you woke up.
You wallow in confusion, trying to piece together the void in your mind. It's all blank after the shower. No matter how much you try, it just makes your head hurt.
"You didn't eat much. You feeling okay?" He breaks the silence as he comes in view of the hospital.
"Yeah, not very hungry," you murmur.
"You know, I read the insert with the pills, that's one of the side effects. Plus it can really knock you on your butt. Must be what happened last night."
"Please," you beg; just the mention has you squirming.
"And fatigue can be a symptom of depression so that might also be why--"
"I'm sorry," you hide your face in your hands, "I don't remember. I don't want to talk about it."
"I told you, sweetie," he slows and finds a spot among the lot, "we just slept, alright? I just wanted to keep an eye on you otherwise I would've let you have the bed."
You curl your fingers and dig them into your eye sockets. He doesn't get it. She doesn't hate him.
"Please," you sniffle and sit up, "don't tell my mom.'
"Don't tell--" he hits the button to kill the engine and unbuckles his seat belt, "there's nothing to tell, right?"
"Yeah, but if... if she thought..." you stammer as you swipe away a glimmer of tears, "she's sick. I don't wanna m-make it worse."
"Alright, sweetie," he reaches between the seats and squeezes your shoulders, "it can be our little secret."
You nod a gulp. Your chest racks with the air trapped inside. He lets his hand brush down your arm.
"Sweetie, it's okay. I'm going to take care of you. You and your mom," he retracts his touch, "now let's go say good morning."
You undo your belt and get out as he opens the back door. He takes out the balloon and flowers he stopped to pick up on the way. He had you sign the card but your mom will know it wasn't your idea. You're too stupid to think of that.
You offer to help but he waves you off. You go through the visitor's entrance and up the elevator. He approaches the nurses' station and greets them easily. He makes you feel worse for how sure he is of himself. The world isn't scary to him. The world doesn't mind him being there.
As you get to your mother's room, you stop short. He nearly collides with your back and he chuckles.
"Here, honey, you take the flowers," he offers the bouquet, "she's going to love them."
You turn and take them without argument. They're your only defense. You enter slowly and Steve follows.
"Morning, honey," he chimes past you, "surprise!"
"Emf, Steve?" She gurgles as she turns her head one way then the other, "oh, Steve, you're here."
"Just like we promised," he goes to her and kisses her forehead then gives her the card, tying the balloon to the bed rail. "Brought some flowers."
"Shouldn't have done all that," she's back to her act, smiling for him as she sits up with an exaggerated effort, "I'll be coming home."
"I know, just wanted to brighten your day," he shrugs, "we were real worried. Both of us."
Your mother's eyes skim in your direction and narrow, "she didn't give ya too much trouble, did she?"
"She's perfect, hon," he assures. "Really, she's been a lot of help. I was in a state and she took good care of me."
"She did?" She wonders.
You try not to react. He's lying but you wouldn't want him to tell the truth. You just keep your mouth shut and come forward to offer the flowers.
"Here," you say, "love you, mom."
She takes them with a brittle silence then quickly resumes her preening, looking at Steve as she inhales the scent, "oh, so lovely." She lowers them and rests them on her lap, "you didn't happen to bring coffee? I'm dying for a cup."
"Ah, gee, you know, it slipped my mind," Steve says, "guess there were bigger things."
"I'll... I'll go to the cafeteria and get some," you offer and feel around your pockets. You forgot your change purse. Shoot. "Erm..."
"Here," Steve reaches in his back pocket, "it's on me. If you can grab me an orange juice and something for yourself. Thanks, kiddo."
He hands you a folded twenty from his wallet. You take it reluctantly and glance at your mom. Her eye twitches but she keeps a placid expression. You turn to leave as she quickly forgets you.
“I missed you so much,” she whines.
“I know, honey, but we should talk...”
Those words chase you out the door and prickle the hair along your neck. What are they talking about? He said he wouldn’t tell her.
You can barely see straight as you walk the halls, losing yourself several times before getting to the elevators. When at last you’ve reached the cafeteria, you struggle to remember what you’re there for. You grab the coffee and an orange juice and pay, keeping the change clutched tight.
You head back up, lightheaded from the motion of the elevator, and float through the halls, unseen and unbothered by the bodies around you. You feel invisible. Sometimes, you wonder if you’re even a part of the same world.
You stop outside your mom’s room, the door open.
“Steve, it’s a lot...” she mutters gloomily.
“Trust me, Holly, alright?”
You cough and step through. You put the coffee on the table near your mother’s bed and turn to offer Steve his juice and change. He accepts them as they both stay quiet, almost as if they’re not telling you something.
“Thanks, kiddo,” he speaks at last and tucks the money away, “you didn’t get anything?”
“No, it’s okay.”
You glance at your mother, expecting a gripe. ‘Good you don’t want her spending all your money’. She just reaches for the coffee, a tick in her cheek as she finds no sugar or cream with it. Another mess up.
“Well, I’ll go get the doctor, have him check you out and see if you’re ready to go,” Steve claps his hands.
“Sure,” your mother hums and pops the lid off her coffee, “you’re a life saver, honey.”
-
Steve drives you and your mother home, a layer of exhaustion settling around all of you. You don’t think your mother got very much sleep at the hospital and your own did little to nip away at your constant sluggishness. Even Steve yawns as he pulls onto the avenue and pulls into your mother’s driveway.
You get out as he helps your mother from the front seat. You trail them up the porch and skirt around to open the door. Even as you try to be helpful, you feel like you’re in the way.
Your mother’s hand is shaking pretty bad as Steve gets her into the recliner. You watch from the archway and wring your hands. It feels like forever since you’ve been home. The break in routine has you restless.
“I’ll stick around for a bit but I got a buddy stopping by later. I’ve been putting it off and he’s starting to get pushy,” he explains, “but you can always call me. Kiddo,” he stands straight, hands on his hips, “you got my number? So you can text.”
“I don’t have a phone,” you frown.
“I’ll call ya,” your mother insists over you.
“Okay, well, I’ll make you something to eat before I head out. Did they give you your meds at the hospital?” He asks.
You see your mom hesitate. She’s never been one to be coddled. She always told you to back off but with him, she can’t break the facade. Her cheek ticks and she flutters her lashes, her tremour worsening.
“Oh, Steve, I don’t feel so well. Do you have to go?” She moans.
“Honey, did you take your meds?” He repeats more firmly.
“Ugh, yes, okay?” She huffs and drops back on the recliner. “You don’t have to remind me I’m sick.”
Steve crosses his arms and tilts his head, “I’m making sure you don’t get worse. Don’t talk to me like that.”
“I’m sorry,” she heaves and hides behind her hand, “I’m so stressed and it’s just... horrible to not be able to stuff on your own.”
“Doesn’t mean you get to take it out on everyone else,” he reprimands. He sounds mad. You’ve never heard him like that. “Look, I gotta get moving around here. You think about what we talked about.” He turns and winces as he sees you, almost like he forgot you. “Kiddo, why don’t you go chill out? It’s been a long morning.”
You nod and quickly retreat, thankful for the opportunity to be alone.
#steve rogers#dark steve rogers#dark!steve rogers#steve rogers x reader#the girl next door#series#au#silverfox au#mcu#marvel#captain america#drabble
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Let it Be Close-watch
Paul, sweety, it's beautiful, but it's killing the vibe.
Ringo looks like a very old, very tired lab rat whose been put through the maze a few too many times
Somehow the air-brown mostly eaten apple is very appropriate.
She looks far too sweet here to ever let John down. Yoko has very kind eyes.
I love how it makes it seem like Paul and John are calling Maxwell “the corny one” but really we know from Get Back that they're talking about a particular arrangement they were trying out for Don't Let me Down.
I swear he's saying “John” there, not “Joan” and also he said “came down upon His head” so… Oh! And Max died in the end in this version? “Sure that Max was dead” Okay. So Paul kills John and then himself. Murder suicide story. Yeah, Paul, you're doing great mentally, we can all tell.
I love how George getting electrocuted was important enough to make the cut for both films. Poor baby. “If this boy dies you're gonna cop it” from the guy who was just singing about a serial killer.
They're so silly
Yoko does not agree with me
Paul: stealing your man, sweetheart. John: oh no I'm being stolen teehee!
They're so silly
Oh wait, were those bitchy looks at George??? Because there he is. Idk could easily be him or Yoko.
this poor autistic baby trying to use words (not his language) to explain music (his language)
“Good MoOornin! Wooah!” I think I just … You know how Mike said people were booing Paul in the theater watching this? Yeah it's because they were pissed he didn't step out of the screen and onto their necks.
Oh Michael put himself in his own movie too? Huh, cool.
They are always in my heart
The way Paul says “get on the mic” to John??? I would've thrown something, that was so fucking bossy! Just his tone and his face and his angry pointing fingers. So mean. And John just goes “okaaay”. Oof.
Ringo covering his eyes like a little kid watching a scary movie during the orange sweater fight. Same, babe.
Sounds like the original lyric John's going for is something long “All I want is you. Nothing else is gonna do.” But that obviously didn't fit with the tune. I wonder if there was a particular conversation with Paul being controlling that made the “everything has got to be the way you want it to” line click in.
Oh my gosh! So George is showing I Me Mine to Ringo and Paul and he says the “I don't give a fuck it can go in musical” line before he even plays it. Not after John's making fun of him like he does in Get Back. Nagra reels experts: which one is correct??
George: it's a heavy waltz. Ringo:*claps hands angrily and punches the air to a ¾ beat. I love him, he's like the core of “Beatle humor” to me.
Woah there! Okay this is the John/Yoko pda Peter Jackson cut, I see. I wonder if there's a lot more footage of them swapping spit that might make the “oh John was just so in love” theory more reasonable.
It's extremely impressive that George just wrote this whole thing last night. You know? John and Paul have brought in all fragments from what I can tell. He's the only one to come in with a basically finished product.
LMAO and we're just going to Apple now. No reason. Nothing happened. Nothing to see. Moving on.
Ringo is so so cute pretending to hide from the cameras. Really he should've been the cute one.
Is it just me or does Paul drop the sillies and get sad when he sings “always be mine” at John? It's his regular voice, too, for a minute, if I'm not mistaken.
Silly cuties. But John's grin and little sexy tongue action happens the second time Paul sings always be mine, so…
What friendly artistic collaboration looks like when it's not psychosexual
Paul: have you played the dubs? George: yeah. Terrible. Paul: Great! Ringo: terrible. John: laughs Paul: (sarcastic) oh, so dreadful. …. John: where's my guitar? Paul: (still sarcastic) well we're just the greatest band ever. Idk I just like this dialogue. It's very them, you know?
This is adorable.
But I also love how they're already communicating with eyebrows, you know? They just bonded so fast and I find that beautiful.
And then Heather ups their game from taking turns going “chchchchch” into the mic to meowing into the mic. She looks at Paul like “okay your turn” and he sets her down lol he's thinking ‘if I meow into the mic right now after John already had a sex dream last night about me, he might actually cream his pants and we can't have that on camera’
Lol Billy just magically appeared!
Paul you're literally so annoying. You started the goofing off and now you're like “alright lads, that's enough.” Mkay.
He is unbelievably sexy and talented though so you know he does have those little things going for him. Someone write me a Paul/Billy fic please!!
Kinda crazy how they all four just slide straight from “Kansas City” to “Miss Ann” to “Lawdy Miss Claudy”. Makes me think of something they might've done in Hamburg.
I'm sorry but Paul finishes “please don't excite me baby. I'm down in misery.” And John's immediate answer is, “well you can get it if you want it, and if you want it you can get it!” And Paul ends up singing “I want it I want it I want it I want it”. Nice. Very subtle, boys. And that's before John gets kinky.
I love how Heather just forces a hug from George and then immediately runs away. What a cutie.
But really. How did anyone watching this get the idea that John hated Paul? Just confirmation bias I guess?
All the cut off conversations kill me but especially the one where John's working though Paul's anxieties. They're just in the middle of it and then cut. “two of us Sunday driving…”
Someone should do a study of whistling in their songs. I feel like it's another one of their tip offs that “hey this one is about us” Anyway I love John's whistling here. He's so good at it. I can just imagine him as some farm boy picking apples, you know?
Imagine booing this poor stay puppy though, like. What? I mean, what if Johann Weiner was wrong and John wasn't crying at the sight of him and Paul playing triumphant together on the rooftop, but at Paul playing his little heart out about their doomed love. Idk it's probably both. Let's be real, John was bawling through the whole thing.
What is George laughing at? Picture quality is garbage because evil corporations don't let you take screenshots of their content, but he looks like that one kid in your elementary school class that just dumped Cheetos all over his crushes desk and thinks he's a criminal mastermind.
Also I do appreciate all the attention given in the chosen shots to the musicianship. I bet they liked that at least if they had the heart to like anything about the movie at the time.
I'm sorry but I love how in sync Mo and Paul are. With this ducking and later the shimmying. I know it's wrong to ship Ringo’s wife with one of the Beatles she didn't sleep with, but… idk I really want her to have bedded all four at one point, you know? She deserves it, being an og.
Okay but yeah I'd be having a public meltdown if I fumbled that too holy fucking shit
Ringo feeling himself as he should
George just looks like he smells nice. Unlike the others. You know?
John has such a beautiful smile. If somebody looked at me like that I'd put him up on a giant screen behind me on my world tour after he'd been dead for forty years too.
That pleeeaaaheeeaaase though. Looking at Paul. How did he survive I'll never know.
The cut from screaming Paul to grouchy nap lady is extremely painful.
John was so cool in this concert. Like the epitome of cool.
Kevin, my love, thank you for your service
I love Yoko leaning so far and craning her neck. She's like a mom at a school talent show. Like “I only came to see my baby.” Type vibe. Which is exactly what she's doing, unlike Mo, and honestly I find both of them extremely valid
You know in movies where the romantic leads are never looking at each other at the same time?
I think I watched George and John switching back on their amps like fifty times because I just love it so much. And from this angle, you can see John's saying something to Paul about it. He looks serious and he's shaking his head. I wonder what he's saying.
Mal Evans I love you forever for this. Look at his hand on the rail, just blocking them off completely, so protective.
Them turning to each other at the end always gets me. It's automatic, like second nature, and it's the last time ever. They deserved better.
Oh Darling duet in the credits are you fucking kidding me??? Was that in the original? “Believe me, when I tell you.” “Oh I do.” That's the second time that they gave away in this footage that they know they're talking to each other in their music.
Alright, that's it, I guess. And then MLH is haunted by this experience for forty years until he makes Two of Us to purge the demons.
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- The most painful Chiron placements -
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in my opinion-
to preface, all chiron placements are inherently painful, but these to me are the ones i have the most respect for in a way??
everyone knows chiron as the wounded healer, it represents our soul level wound that, once healed, is our greatest superpower.
so here are a handful of the chiron placements that to me are the most intense.
- Chiron in Aries/1st -
chiron in aries is absolutely terrifying to me and i have the utmost respect for people with this placement because this is a core wound of the self.
they go through life forever trying to find who they are and feeling like the world holds no space for them- ive said like a billion times that my biggest fear is losing myself, and that's the wound that chiron in aries has to deal with.
they might struggle with finding what they're willed to do and might feel like a mosaic of everything else around them instead of a real person and that is so scary to me.
once they manage to heal that wound though, they are fucking unstoppable and inspire others to find themselves just as they did.
- Chiron in Sagittarius -
this one is intense to me because it often has a lot of potential to remain unhealed- this is a wound that relates to spirituality entirely-
i dont know many ppl with this placement at all but i imagine they're scared or intimidated by spirituality as a whole to some degree-
these people don't know what the purpose of life is, they don't know what they believe in or If they believe in anything- the subject of belief and purpose in life is very sore for them.
when healed, this chiron placement bestows an intense sense of belonging and meaning in life, and it has a lot of potential to remain unhealed because spirituality at the very least helps you to find a true meaning in life, without adhering to a strict religion that makes one up.
- Chiron in Aquarius/11th -
im a little biased for this one because i have this placement but i can 100% speak from experience because of that.
this placement is easily the most agonizing one in my entire chart- for the longest time i felt like i would never find true friends, and sometimes that feeling will creep up again and it makes me absolutely crumble.
chiron in aries and chiron in aquarius are very similar to some extent because they both feel like the world won't give them somewhere to feel at home, just for different reasons.
chiron in aquarius makes you feel like you will never have anyone who truly understands you and that even if you do, they won't stick around like you want them to.
for some people, this can make them try to conform to somewhere they don't belong. thankfully i don't have that aspect, but it has crossed my mind multiple times in life.
this placement, when it's triggered by something, makes me immediately consider every possibility upon meeting someone new and forces me to give up my hopes until im proven otherwise.
im pretty sure it's the reason i have an avoidant attachment style as well as trust issues 😮💨
when healed though, these people have the ability to bring people together without snuffing anyone's individuality. they always respect people for who they are and the friends they do manage to find respect them for who they are.
much shorter post this time but ive been super tired all day and ofc had a chiron trigger so ive been a little cranky to say the least- but i wanted to write something for some reason so i figured what better than what i struggled with today 😮💨
if you have any of these chiron placements or just generally know your chiron fucking hurts really bad when it's triggered, i get it- but it won't be like that forever. the more we manage to heal, the more that wound is transformed into the most stable part of our charts.
if in general you're not doing well rn, again, i get it, but it will never be like that forever. that's not how life works. you won't be happy forever either, but if you were, there would be no value to it.
like the song i named this blog after says, "a lonely life where no one understands you, but don't give up because the music do"
- 🖤 -
#astrologer#astrology#astro community#astro observations#zodiac#chiron#chiron in astrology#it's gonna be okay
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You use procreate right? I'm a beginner in coloring. And your lighting and color is always so good. If you had like steps/tutorial/tips on coloring/lighting in procreate. I would pay for it even. It's hard to find a good tutorial on YouTube for procreate users, and the style that you do which is similar to the coloring style I've been trying to self teach myself for a while and failing. Anyways sorry if this is a weird ask, but I would honestly really appreciate it
One speedpaint coming right up!
Nothing weird about this question. Honestly, I struggle a lot as well, but my problem is the shape, not the colors. I suppose I can "feel" colors, that's why impressionists are my favourite (classics always help!)
I don't know if I can help with using procreate, because I'm not really savvy with it, I always use photoshop for more complex work as it is perfect for twicking lighting, changing tint etc. I prefer to sketch in procreate, because, a) it has many great default brushes, b) my back hurts from sitting on my pc, c) I can go anywhere, draw and immediately post it.
I’ll try to summarise what I figured out with procreate, and maybe give a few tips. But I don’t know if that’s the best way to use this tool. I’m just… winging it, haha
First, if you struggle with colors, look up the color circle
It shows exactly which color goes best with which. For example, if you use Orange for your lighting, and Blue for your shadows, it’ll look nice. Perfect, even. I love that one. Avoid using pure black for shadows, otherwise you risk to make it too… burned? Like, dirty. Be careful with Black magic.
I’ll use Zevlor here to show how it works.
In addition, you can use the opposite color to make the character stand out. It’s really important. What’s more noticeable, red on brown or blue on brown?
Also, learn to use masks. Really, they may be scary, but it saves SO MUCH time. Specifically with procreate, I always use them now for everything because I haven’t found the better way to avoid fixing the stray lines. With that solution, you'll need to correct only one layer at the start, the main one. Clipping masks are great to help with that, but procreate is a little uncomfortable in that regard. I’ll show what I do, perhaps it’ll make things clearer
Those are the most useful things to know, I think. Masks can be used in photoshop in the same way, I have a bad habit of creating too many of them so it's crouded. And they rarely have a name. I'm too lazy to name them all
Anyway, I hope I managed to answer at least one of your questions... or not X) I tried. Good luck with exploring Procreate!
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friendship is cool bc you get to have these funny little guys who make you happy and become a better person or whatever and laugh a lot. but then there’s the horrors (trying to see and message them frequently enough when you know you can’t possibly juggle all of them all at once and never knowing the best answer)
#nightmare.personal#maybe i tell my irls to fuck off for a week so i can just get to work repairing all my online relationships#i won't actually do that but like. my social battery is so fucked#also there's the other issues but we don't talk aboutu those <- diseased interpersonally#we do talk abt those a lot but im turning over a new leaf to be normal#this is late night confessionals. hi i know cool people. wish i fucking knew how to talk to anybody#its so stupid too bc when i message them or join a vc everyone accepts me like i was never gone and is friendly and kind and all that#but then it's like. do ppl think im not committing. do they think i don't care#and like how do i convince people i care when im barely here and barely know whats going on#idk. wish klav was here he's better at fucking online things i think#i think im doing good socializing with my irls at least. like scheduling hangouts#when my gf comes back i need to see her like asap bc my brain is fucking obliterating itself but thats unrelated#sorry this is litrally late night thoughts#dont rb btw#my irl social life is better and i think part of me sees that as more important?#like obviously all my friends are important to me diffeerently but. if i disappear on an irl for a while they'll give me shit for it#versus online that's just life you know but. i don't know.#sometimes i wonder if my online friends know how much they mean to me and i realize they probably don't and i get scared#and then i wonder how all of them have to feel about me at that point and we don't really have to go into that but like#i don't know. it's always a little a lot scary#and people seem to be so natural at doing this online but i meanwhile just fucking can't#i'm allergic to discord servers its a thing. except the one im active in which makes me happy but i still forget to talk there all the time#so im still allergic but im choosing to partake. its like the lactose intolerance of the whole group
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a sneak peek for an upcoming (timeline tbd) update 😊
#holocene.txt#hlcn: story extras#consider this a thanks for the kind words on gratitude day :)#i wanna respond to everyone individually when i have time and also wax poetic about how much every comment means to me#it really does mean a lot#it's been a rough year and a very lonely year like i'm genuinely just so :/#i lost both of my grandmothers this year very suddenly and the holidays feel empty now and i'm dealing with scary health issues#i finally had a brain mri after waiting for it to get scheduled since JUNE and now i have to wait on results and undergo some other testing#and i'm losing my mind a little because i planned a nice christmas gift for my mom and it feels ruined because the post office lost it#and my dad ruined the whole surprise of it by calling customer support on speaker phone with her in the room...and she ofc heard everything#i just wanted something nice for my mom :( she deserves it and although i have other gifts for her still it's not all what i planned#i don't mean to rant but i just wanted to add context when i say it means a lot that anyone even remotely likes my pixels#i may not know most of you very well *yet* (trying to fix that!!) but it's nice to feel a little support from somewhere :) beyond nice#and sorry for being absent a lot this year but i swear i have so much appreciation for y'all and i love you and your pixels dearly#i always feel bad like maybe it doesn't seem like i care in return bc i'm offline a lot now but i really do!! i care a lot!! love y'all xox
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I am reflecting, and I think if I had to choose I would say my favourite things I wrote this year were reliance and, perhaps surprisingly, 2:47am. I never crossposted the latter because it felt too personal and vulnerable around the time I wrote it to hand it off so easily to people who vaguely know me, but I think it's well written and the rawness gives it a feel I haven't achieved elsewhere. I really hope to write more Jumin in the new year—I have been missing him a lot lately so perhaps there are things on the horizon 🥹
#I also wrote a fic for another fandom this month I actually like a lot#which is surprising considering how many times I reread it while writing/editing#the first couple of posts in a new fandom are always a little bit scary because you don't know what to expect#but people were very lovely :'-)
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Certified Alfonse Moment
#feh#feh spoilers#man he's so fucking cool......#dude is always taking chances and making gambits. EXTREMELY fascinating to see it here too#w ratatoskr specifically. like. she's gonna throw up. she's been crying this whole time.#you'd THINK he'd think she may be a liability but he's thinking like three steps ahead WITH what he knows about her in mind#and he's putting A Lot of trust in her AND he's very gently nudging her in the direction he'd Like her to take#WHICH. AUGH. you see hints of it sometimes but alfonse really does know how to manipulate a situation#but he's ALSO prepared for an undesirable outcome. acknowledging it could backfire.#GOD. SOMETHING I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IN AN OLD WIP OF MINE. is how alfonse#sometimes makes suggestions but there's a force to it you don't pick up on at first. bc it Is presented as a suggestion.#if he can make it seem like it was your idea all along. you know.#LIKE. idk if i've just been seeing shrimp colors but i feel like he does do that.#and like part of that wip is the betrayal felt when you DO see through the gambit/it doesn't work. fucked up!#anyways i adore this guy. he's a little scary but it's okay 💕#fe alfonse
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(giggles and kicks legs)
#listen i'm not saying that i support nor like it when e.izen threatens people#but... i'm not saying that i don't like it when he threatens people-#okay in my humble defense. e.izen is very handsome.#i always get a little flustered when he gets all serious sjdhwjshqb#i miss him so much. i know i talk about him a lot but i cannot resist his loserboy charm-#yeah sure he may be a scary and mean and rude pirate that punches things a lot#... but he's also silly and funny and is a really sweet boyfriend and gives soft kisses and head scratches#ash rambles 💚#e.izen brainrot never ends#he may be a silly and old man Reaper pirate... but he's my silly Reaper pirate. and boy do i like old men#i just wish him a very kiss kiss! i just think he and his arsonist pirate gf should be together forever and kiss lots :)#his s/i is sooooo fun! she's a fire spirit and it shows- he likes having her in his arms since her body is so warm always#... becomes pretty unbearable on hot summer days though ajdhajsh she's a cuddly sleeper#no need for heater when you have ash around! also i think her arc about accepting herself as actually valuable to the crew + accepting and#learning that she can coexist with humans is pretty well written if i do say myself- an intriguing character. who is also an e.izen kisser!#i love you mr. reaper!#also z.aveid's theme is so good ajskahsb e.izen my love i adore your voice but.. good music...
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I'm no ornithologist, but i feel like every chicken deserves a wide,open space with plenty of safe areas to move around in and play (mess around with puzzles,that sort of thing. they probably need a lot of mental stimulation too! ) and eat so they don't get over crowded, and safe spots to retreat to when they need to calm down or mate and roost/nest(i mean, i know chicken sex is probably weird like it is with most birds, but i feel like they would appreciate the privacy and safety. I've been around plenty of chickens. they're generally sensitive animals that deserve more respect.), or be quarantined if they've come down with something or have been injured. they seem to do much better that way,their quality of life seems to improve greatly in captivity when people practice better husbandry with them. of course, different variants of chickens have different needs I'm sure, but it's something I've observed often. birds deserve so much better than to have their intelligence be undermined and be treated like shit,which is unfortunately rather common in today's world.
#text#idk man i just really fucking love birds. i love them even if they hurt me. they probably don't understand#besides they usually only hurt people if you accidentally startle them or if it's how they play or they're not socialized properly#they need to be more accustomed to people and physical affection#and sometimes animals just weren't meant to be petted or hugged or kissed and we should respect their boundries.#how would you like it if a big scary weird looking thing did that to you? you probably would be just as freaked out.#imagine being in their shoes. i would be fucking terrified if i were a bird or somd other nonhuman animal and a human touched me#I've been hurt like once or twice by q bird because they both didn't understand how sharp their talons are and how that hurts me#when they perch or hold my fingers. they don't do it on purpose lol#you know how lizards will grab onto your fingers but not exactly sit on you? that's what it's like. it's like he's shaking my hands.#there's my neighbor's bird kai and them there's little foot.#kai likes to hold my hands.#little foot like to perch on me. he's less rude but a bit more shy. kai REALLY likes me#sorry for the typos as always I'm still blind and have poor motor control so typing and reading is hard for me. whoops#long post#ramble#like why can't we all treat animals better and as the unique gifts from nature to be preserved and loved like they are? why not try better?#they deserve to be raised and die humanely and be protected in the wild from manmade natural disasters and just left to do their own thing.#be nice to nature or it won't be nice to you. you know what i mean?#do y'all ever cry thinking about animals. i do. a lot#they're so precious man.#no RB'S for this one because i feel like people would be weird or mean about this lol
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feeling alienated in much of my day to day life because of my body and the way I present myself (whether that identity comes down to trans or masc or gnc or something else entirely) and knowing I could talk about it with my friends but not knowing how to bring it up and also not being sure they'll get it because not many of them present the way I do but also maybe that's just a shitty bias I have and maybe I don't understand them and also many of them have other things that affect their experiences with the world that I don't have (mental illnesses, neurodivergencies, being a person of color, being fat, etc) and those would all leave them feeling alienated too so they might get the feeling but maybe not the source and also all those problems seem much more important than mine so maybe I should just shut up and not say anything.
#listen I just want to talk about the fact I am the only person who looks the way I do at my job#and the company has a very good mix of men and women but there is like a little joking divide between those two#and I always get put into the woman category but I feel so wildly out of place there#but I also don't think I'd feel comfortable in the men category and don't look like any of the men either#and I like my job a lot but I do feel just a little constantly out of place because of how I look and the way I act and the things I like#and I don't know what to do about it#and then also I am struggling with it with my family right now too#I genuinely can't think of a single family member who has never made some comment about either me and my appearance and identity directly#or has made comments about general communities I am part of#and so I don't feel very safe with my family even though I should be able to and even with the people who are super warm and loving#and I look so distinctly different from all of them and I always have#I've never really been able to hide this part of me the way some people can and it has made me different since I was a kid#and I have been fighting to be accepted for looking the way I do and acting the way I do since I was a kid and it's exhausting and scary#and now I want to get involved with my community and find people like me#but there's so much drama now around every version of my identity I could have and it sucks#and like I have no idea when I'm going to be able to even look into medical transitioning stuff#because I am so scared of my families reaction#but I don't know with the political environment if I'll be able to get those services when I feel comfortable and safe enough to do so#and that is fucking terrifying and heart renching#and I want to talk with someone who gets it and feels the way I do but I don't know how and complaining about this seems stupid#when most of my friends have other bigger problems and most of them are GOING THROUGH IT right now so so bad#and I don't want to add stressors to their lives if I can help it
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SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours
#🌙.vent#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system#i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand#🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is#messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit#this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty#a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but#i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today#but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind#i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu#alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends#save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo#stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that#perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough#trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's#i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i#it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier#maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope#it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be#so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now#it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night#would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder#did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?
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Teacher: If you don't get anything in to your boss on time, guess what? You'll be fired!
Me: Crazy. Guess who's staying unemployed for the rest of her adulthood?
#sam's talky talks#Haha. I hate it here#Actually. Recently I've been thinking about adulthood as well. But more of just...am I gonna be stable enough–#–to provide for myself? What if my job is shitty? What if I stayed unemployed for the rest of my life?#What the fuck am I going to do?#I mean. Shit. That's scary. And I'm so bad at communicating with people because I get anxious and shy#I suck at getting shit done so throw some job opportunities out the window. I'm so bad at writing stories I can't cut it as a writer#I...my mom was right. I'm never going to succeed in life. I'm just too busy stuck in my little world#I'll never be able to help anyone. I'll never be the amazing daughter she always wanted. I'm gonna be like those 30 years olds–#–who still live in their mother's basements haha...#I bet by that time I'm 20 my mom is gonna be sick of me. She'll probably want to throw me out by then because I'm such a disappointment#It's always what I've been anyways ya know?#Shit. I'm probably never going to finish high school. Never go to college. I can see myself being a drop out more than anything#Disappointing huh? It's all I've known. I'm surprised my parents haven't caught that yet#My dad and step-mom have so much hope and expectations for me I can't breathe#<- I mean. They don't want me to be an A+ student. But they really seem to want me to do amazing#You know. My dad jokes about how I should be getting A's. That B's and C's aren't good enough. And that kinda hurts#That hurts a lot. Because I've never been a good student. Just average#I'm venting and rambling in tags. Haha#Ignore me please. This is nonsensical that this point
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.
#i have so many wild plans this year and i'm trying not to give too much away but im also just so excited#going to bulgaria in two weeks which will be absolutely amazing and i just yesterday got an email with a possibility to go to ecuador#ECUADOR you guys that would be absolute bird paradise with so many species and so many COOL species which i've always wanted to see#but i'm a scared little shit who doesn't know about the wildlife situation and it stresses me out because i really don't like unknown dange#and also it's a lot of money. which i have and could spend on the trip but still. it's a lot of money and i need to think it through#and it would be in the middle of uni which wouldn't be good if the exam turns out to be about the topics i would miss during that time#but on the other hand it's just- so so so cool as well#and i'm thinking if i don't go now (with people i know and care about and trust and to a decent price and with a good plan)#when will i ever go. so it's almost coming down to if i ever want to go to south america. and that's a really big and scary question#(not because it's bad. but because it's far away and unknown)#and yes i keep adding on the tags here because i keep thinking about this ahhhhh#also. flying that far is scary as hell. i don't like flying. i'd prefer a boat or a train but that's not really an option either
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Had a Thought today...
A family came in to my work (bowling alley/arcade) towards the end of my shift. Lovely black family, said they came up from TX to visit a relative. One of their kiddos (probably aged 9-11) was very clearly on the autism spectrum; unable to formulate full words or sentences coherently, always had an adult holding her arm or shoulders so she couldn't run away, random bursts of energy/spasms/noises... they chose to play in the arcade and did so uneventfully for about 30 mins. My coworker and I were on the other end of the counter, probably 35 feet away (or more, idk man). Suddenly he turned to look towards the arcade and just said "oh jeez what the hell" and I saw the daughter over on the employee side of the counter, with a Ring Pop that she had grabbed from the prize case in her hand. The adults from her group were on the customer side, trying to grab her and drag her back around the counter. I quickly walked over and stood next to her and gently put my hand on her upper arm and said "hey hon, you can absolutely have that candy but could you please just have it on the other side of the counter?". The parents were still frantically trying to get her, and she was resisting, crying out that she wanted it, she wants the candy. I reassured the family that I would simply give her the Ring Pop, and that it was a nonissue. Finally she got around the counter and I gave her the candy but her parents sort of pulled her away and started scolding her about how she couldn't just go and grab something and that it didn't matter how badly she wanted it, she needed to ASK and BE NICE. I headed back over to my coworker who just said "what, special needs?", before shaking his head and walking away.
One of the adults came over and thanked me, and said I had been awesome. It didn't click until just now for me why they had been so quick to scold her about behaving in public. This was an African American family with a special-needs child who was young and prone to violent, jerking movements and loud, sudden vocal fits. This family came up from their home in TEXAS. They were so desperate to get their daughter over to the right side of the counter before I saw them and walked over to handle the situation.
Idk. Maybe I'm just overthinking again. I'm just glad that I went over and handled it gently, because I don't know how my older, male coworker would have dealt with it. I just hope this family could have a bit of relief and reassurance tonight, and that their daughter enjoys her Ring Pop.
#shut up kayleigh#idk man I just hope that family is safe in TX.#i can only imagine how scary it must be to have a child who is statistically more likely to be senselessly murdered just because they exist#i don't think my coworker would have been an asshole necessarily but I also don't think he would have handled it well#the more I work with kids the more I realize that they really appreciate being treated like little adults#because they are!!!!#we look at them and say 'that's just a kid they're so young' BUT!!#in the child's head#they're the oldest they've ever been!!#I've been starting to make it a point to ask the kids directly if they know what their shoe size is.#a lot of times they don't know BUT they always seem to like being included and talked to just like an adult!#I've never LIKED kids or wanted any of my own but I think it's a lot easier to get along with them when you treat them like short adults
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