#i come back to tumblr every couple of months to let everyone know that my life is still sad
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Mini Me and Battlefields
Mini Me | Mini Me and Dogs | This is part 3!
Requested Here!
Pairing: Tim Bradford x shy!fem!wife!reader
Summary: When you drop by the station to surprise Tim, you accidentally start a battle for who gets to hold your twins next.
Warnings: fluff, brief angst toward the end. The twins have been named! Lucius Wesley and Angel Soldier
Word Count: 1.8k+ words
A/N: The first appearance of the most unimpressive tumblr dividers you've ever seen; made by me. :)
GIF by chenfordsource
Tim makes this look so easy.
As you enter the doctor’s office for your twins’ two-and-a-half-month checkup, you wonder how Tim manages both of them so easily. He can lift both car seats without a problem, holds both boys close to his chest, and never shows any sign of being tired or weighed down. You suppose his muscles are good for more than looking at.
“Mrs. Bradford,” someone says.
You look up and see Ree, your favorite nurse that you met while giving birth. She’s become a close friend over the past couple months, though she consistently asks if any of Soldier’s friends have expressed any romantic interest in her. She’s kidding, as far as you can tell. You don’t know her full name, she goes by Ree because, in her words, “It would have been better for her mother to face slam the keyboard when naming her.”
“Hey, Ree,” you say softly.
You lower a car seat to the floor and take a breath before hugging Ree. She offers to help you take your boys to the appointment, and you gratefully accept.
“Hey, Angel,” she greets as she raises the carrier.
“Lucy freaked out last week because she forgot which was which,” you murmur.
Ree laughs before saying, “Please tell me she remembered which one is named after her.”
“Lucius likes her and raised a hand. I’ve never seen her more relieved.”
“If I remember correctly, you and the handsome Mr. Bradford argued over the names for a while. What does he think of Angel Soldier and Lucius Wesley now?”
“He doesn’t acknowledge the middle names, and he’s grumpy every time Angela or Lucy mention that they are the namesakes of his kids. He likes it better than boot and tiny Tim, though.”
“Having babies brought you out of your shell,” she muses.
“Just to talk about them,” you whisper.
“Hey, my shift ends in about an hour. Let me treat you to lunch,” Ree offers.
“I can’t ask-“
“I’m offering. And I’m taking that as a yes. I’ll meet you in the lobby when you’re done?”
You nod and thank Ree for helping you before taking a seat in the waiting room. Angel coos at you, and you raise him to your chest. He looks like Tim, and you miss him more than you expected.
“We should surprise Dada,” you say against his onesie.
Angel coos again, and you take it as a “yes, we should.”
As you walk into the Mid-Wilshire station, you’re surprised by how quiet it is.
“My favorite nephews!” Lucy announces as she rushes toward you.
“Where is everyone?” you ask as she takes Lucius into her arms.
“They’re out on patrol. Which means I get uninterrupted time with you, buddy.”
“Oh, they’re getting big,” Wade says.
You look up as he exits his office and moves toward you.
“You wanna wait in my office for Tim to get back?” he offers.
“Please. They are getting big, and heavy.”
Wade chuckles before ushering you into his office and a seat. He takes Angel and has a one-sided conversation with him about Tim. You enjoy the quiet and the break from looking after both boys, but it doesn’t last long.
“Sergeant Grey, I was-“ Soldier stops before saying your name.
“What are you doing here?” you inquire softly.
“Looking for Tim. You’re doing the same, I assume.”
You see Soldier’s dog at his side, and you don’t have to ask before he passes you the leash.
“Sergeant Grey,” Bailey says from outside the door. “Oh, you’re busy.”
“The opposite, actually,” he says as Soldier sits beside you. “There’s no more seats, but come on in.”
“Aw, your babies are so cute! I’m not going to pretend I know which is which, though,” Bailey gushes. “Oh, I want one.”
“This is Lucius, named after me,” Lucy says proudly. “And that’s Angel.”
“Angel Soldier,” Soldier corrects.
You shake your head before leaning against Soldier’s arm.
“Can I hold him?” Bailey asks.
“No,” Wade answers immediately.
“He’s named after me, he’s practically mine,” Lucy argues when Bailey turns to her.
“You guys are gonna have to fight it out,” Soldier muses playfully.
Your face is hidden in his jacket, but you smile at all the love your boys are receiving.
“I’ve got a rope in the truck,” Bailey suggests. “Care for a little tug of war?”
“Three soldiers versus a cop and a firefighter won’t end well. Up the stakes,” Soldier says.
“Okay.” Bailey thinks for a moment before setting her hands on her hips to say, “Tug of war, but we use the spreader.”
“Oh, you’re on,” Soldier says. “’Scuse me.”
You move to let him stand before following them outside of Wade’s office. He rolls his seat outside, happily accepting Lucius as he holds both babies.
“Alright,” Wade announces. He watches his volume, mindful of the sleeping twins in his arms. “Soldier, you and your friends are on one team. Lucy, uh, I don’t know your name-“
“Ree,” you say.
“Lucy, you and Ree, and…” Wade pauses to look around. He scans the station for another player, and you’re surprised to hear him yell, “Wesley! You got time to spare?”
“My client is passed out drunk,” he says with a smile. “All I have is time.”
“Good. You’re on Lucy, Ree, and Bailey’s team.”
“Wait, that’s three on four,” Soldier points out.
“You’re soldiers!” Lucy argues. “That makes it even!”
“You think we’re strong?” Soldier’s friend, Trevor, asks with a smirk.
Lucy smiles before stepping closer to admit, “I don’t think those muscles are just for show.”
“Where’s this gonna go?” Soldier whispers in your ear.
“I’ve got the spreader,” Bailey announces as she returns. “And I heard three on four, but I only see two soldiers?”
“I’ve got what some call perfect timing,” Soldier’s other friend calls as he enters.
“Hey, Kojo,” you greet as he passes you the leash. “Tim ask you to drop by and check on him again or is this just for me?”
“I actually brought Kojo so I could talk to Tim without fear for my life,” Soldier answers.
“About what?”
You get distracted by Lucy and Trevor flirting as they move to their sides of the spreader. As you stand between the teams with two dogs acting as cheerleaders, you wait for Wade’s call of “Go!” before watching your closest friends battle to hold your babies.
Tim sighs as he walks into the station with Angela beside him.
“Put your back into it, Wesley!” Lucy calls inside. “I know Trevor is strong and handsome, but we can take him!”
“Thanks, Lucy!” Trevor calls with an easy wink. He flexes his bicep for show, and Lucy stumbles before setting her feet.
“Did she say Wesley?” Angela asks.
Angela and Tim rush farther into the station before freezing. You have two dogs at your side, Wade is sitting behind you holding your kids, and seven people are playing tug of war against a spreader. The complete lack of professionalism doesn’t surprise Tim, but the question of why does.
“What is happening?” he asks.
“Go, Wesley!” Angela cheers.
“Winner gets to hold the babies,” Wade tells Tim.
“My babies?”
He looks at you, and you smile before dropping your eyes. Kojo barks as Lucy continues taunting Trevor with flirtation.
“I- why did I let myself end up here?” Tim mutters.
“Whoa! We’ve got a winner,” Wade announces as one side of the spreader opens wider. “Lucy, Bailey, Wesley, and Ree, congratulations. Now be nice and take turns.”
“Tim,” Soldier calls. “Can we talk?”
You look between them as you walk toward Angela. She shrugs before hugging you and asking how your appointment went.
“Why is everyone here?” Tim asks.
“I work here,” Lucy answers.
“Not you.”
“I’m taking your wife to lunch,” Ree answers. “Since you’d rather work and make her shy. Someone has to treat her right.”
“I- never mind. Bailey?”
“I came to see John. Then I saw babies,” she explains.
“I also work here. Kind of,” Wesley says.
Tim sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose before gesturing for Soldier to lead the way. Soldier takes Kojo from you for protection before disappearing into an office with Tim.
Lucy, Bailey, and Ree begin asking you questions as they hold the babies, and you answer quietly before turning away. Angela ushers you to her desk for a break, and Wesley follows behind quietly.
“I know you’re worried about Soldier,” she says as she pats your back. “But everything will work out.”
“I know. Just- I think I’m overwhelmed, overstimulated, whatever. There’s been a lot of attention today,” you say.
“We can ignore you from now on,” Wesley suggests with a smile.
You chuckle and lean back in Angela’s chair. She shows you pictures of her kids to distract you, but the moment Soldier exits the office with Tim behind him, your attention is on them. Tim tilts his head, and you stand and enter his office. Soldier smiles at you as you pass, but not even Lucy putting her number in Trevor’s phone can distract you or ease your racing heart.
“If something is wrong, please just tell me,” you request with your back to Tim.
“It’s my turn to hold Soldier Angel! And, yes, Angela, I know his real name,” Soldier says on the other side of the door.
“Nothing is wrong,” Tim promises.
His face makes you think otherwise, and he opens his arms to invite you in. As Tim holds you against his chest and cradles your head, your heart slows as your worries increase.
“Soldier is being deployed in about a month,” Tim says. “He wanted to tell me first and ask if I thought you were ready to hear it.”
“Does he know for how long?” you whisper.
“Not yet. He may know more once he’s there, but he may not be able to tell you. I’m sorry that your friend is leaving.”
“I’ll be okay,” you promise. “Because you’re still here, so I don’t have to do it alone this time.”
“Right,” Tim agrees. “Plus, we’ve got that crowd outside that never leaves us alone.”
You nod and Tim moves his hands to your shoulders before kissing your cheek. When you drop your chin, he takes the opportunity to kiss your forehead, too. Then you lean against him so he can’t see the happy smile on your face or continue kissing you.
“Did you know he brought Kojo because he was worried I’d hurt him for leaving you?”
“Yeah. Hey, Lucy and Trevor like each other!”
“I know,” Tim grumbles. “She hasn’t shut up about him since they met in the hospital.”
“You didn’t tell me!”
“What were you gonna do? Play matchmaker?”
You frown but know that he’s right; you wouldn’t have done anything except be an onlooker. As you walk out of the office, Soldier has both Angel and Lucius in his arms as his friends and the dogs stand guard before him.
“I’m making up for lost time,” he explains when he sees you.
“As long as it’s just them,” you reply.
“No, I’m hugging you next.”
Your shoulders drop, and all of your friends laugh as Tim pulls you into his arms. Maybe a few months without Soldier isn’t all bad, as long as he comes home safe at the end.
#hanna writes✯#mini me✵#tim bradford x reader#shy!reader#tim bradford x y/n#tim bradford x you#tim bradford x fem!reader#tim bradford fic#tim bradford the rookie#tim bradford imagine#tim bradford#requests#fem!reader#team shy!
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When You Wash Your Hair
simon ‘ghost’ riley x fem!reader
Summary: It has been 13 months since Simon has been properly home. The day before he left, the two of you got into an agonizing argument. Not knowing whether or not you will be there when he gets home, he silently walks up to the house.
Contains: SFW, angst to fluff, ooc Ghost (he is a cold man out on the field, but he is mostly a softie for you), descriptions of yelling, arguments, anxiety, abandonment, swearing, crying, anger, and also a bit of kissing, hints of alcoholism but its mentioned briefly
A/N: This is my first time writing a fanfic on tumblr so i apologize if this is shite 🤭 Let me know if there is anything i should improve on. Enjoy this long asf oneshot of our babygirl ghosty 🫶💞 Also!! based on the song ‘when you wash your hair’ by Matt Maltese
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This all started out with you voicing your concerns about your relationship. The feelings of abandonment you felt every time he left for a job and the worry and anxieties that followed after, not knowing whether he was going to come home safe or in a hearse. It scared you, you loved him, but the lack of communication during the time he was away was killing you.
You cried trying to tell him how it felt. You sobbed on the floor of your shared bedroom, telling him that you were growing apart. You never wanted to stop loving him, you didn’t think it was possible. But you could not do this to yourself by staying. It was painful.
It started to get heated when he shut down. He stopped looking at you as he sat further onto the once warm bed you two had slept in together. He grunted, and pushed himself up. Without looking back at you, he slowly marched to the other side of the room. He swiftly opened a drawer on one of two dressers you owned, this one specifically for his SAS attire. It carried his weapons, his private files, obviously his clothes, and some other miscellaneous items he kept hidden. He grabbed the black duffle that sat next to it and started packing. You sat on the floor in quiet disbelief as Simon started carefully folding and stuffing clothes into the bag.
“Simon, you can’t be serious right now.” Your once sad and lonely voice slowly drifted into an angry yelp.
Furious you felt as he continued not responding to you, you stood up and stomped over to him, grabbing what he was holding and tossing it to the side.
“What is your problem!?” You squealed as he stared at you. His face devoid of any kind of expression.
He softly moved from his kneeling position into a standing one. Keeping eye contact with you as you searched his body language for anything you could use to answer your question.
“My problem? What is your problem Y/N? You knew what you were getting into when you got with me, and now all of a sudden its a surprise i have to leave? Get a hold of yourself.” He said, starting to raise his voice.
He pushed past you to grab the pants you had thrown to the other side of the room. Stiffly walking back to the duffle and kneeling down once again. The truth is, he hated fighting with you. He hated seeing you so devastated at the fact he had to leave. He didn’t want to leave, but long ago he had gotten numb to the feeling of homesickness. Of course he missed you, but he clearly prioritized his job over you. Everyone knew this.
Not knowing how to respond to your husbands words, you walked out of the bedroom and practically ran down the stairs to the living room. Sitting down on the couch and putting your hands onto your face, covering it. Thinking over the situation and gathering the proper words to say, you decided when he came back down you would speak to him again.
A couple minutes later he descended the stairs, duffle and work boots in hand and passed your frame on the couch to go straight to the door. All the words you wanted to say were forgotten and what came out of your mouth shocked the both of you.
“If you leave right now Simon, i can’t promise i will be home when you get back.” You said, sternly. Eyes widening ever so slightly at your own sentence.
“This is my bloody job Y/N!” He bellowed. “I have to go, regardless of how you feel. If you leave that is not my fault. Do whatever the hell you want!”
Dropping his packed bag back onto the floor, He twists around to look across the room at your form. You were shaking at his response. Not from fear or sadness, but from what only one could describe as poisonous rage.
“Get out.” The calmness of your voice made the silence that came after it more deafening.
Wordlessly, he tied up his boots, grabbed all of his things he had previously collected and left by the front door, and walked out.
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He was finally home. Taking a taxi from the airport to what he used to call he private safe house, he sat silent the whole drive. He was nervous. Walking up to his own house feels surreal. The nagging sensation in the pit of his stomach begins to feel painful. Anxiety fills his body, nonetheless he continues on.
The red light of the evening
The cotton that you wear
They cover up your neck this way
Adjusting his baklava and swinging his duffle further onto his shoulder, he digs in his pockets for his keys. Nearly dropping them as he pulls them out, he unlocks the door. He quickly notices that the sound of water running is most prominent in his ears. Thin walls.
“Y/N.” He says quietly. “Thank god.”
Placing his stuff down and removing the rest of his heavy gear, including his mask, he walks towards the sound of what he assumes to be the shower. He starts to sweat as he ascends the stairs. The bathroom door is slightly ajar as he creeps up to it, pushing it open slowly.
Your calm and naked crying
Washing off Chanel
From the edges of your neck this way
You don’t hear the door open, too concentrated on lathering your loofa in soap and scrubbing yourself down. Simon bought you this bath set. It had been such a wonderful surprise when he brought it home to you. Your tears flowing even more as you thought of him. You didn’t leave the house after the argument, but you did call your mom. She told you that it was completely your decision if you wanted to leave and that her advice would not have mattered anyways. So you followed the direction of your heart and stayed.
Paying back attention to your surroundings, you see a large burly figure through the slight transparency of the shower curtain. Adrenaline rushes through your veins as you yelp and pull the curtain back clumsily, enough to see this figure but not enough for them to see anything but your face.
You did some things that you forgot
Drinking wine and smoking pot
You tried to be someone you are not
Simon’s eyes soften at the sight of your surprised but tired gaze. Before he had walked up to see you, he noted the amount of empty bottles of wine laying on the floor of the living room. You had been drinking, quite a bit. This concerned him as you were not a person who drank often. Only having a shot or two when going out and certainly not drinking at home.
“Simon?” You whispered dropping the curtain and snatching the towel you had left next to the sink.
Wrapping yourself up, you step out of the shower. Not speaking a word after that. You stared at him, hard. Searching for potential wounds or new found scars on his face and arms. He doesn’t move. Your tears begin flowing again, faster than last time.
“I am so sorry, my love.” He states, taking a few steps forward and finally actually entering the bathroom.
You don’t know what to say at all. You didn’t want to forgive him. Fuck that. But deep down you knew you had already forgiven him the second he walked out the door in the first place. Covering your mouth as you began sobbing, you look to your side and back to him.
“You are a fucking asshole.” You say, nothing but sadness laced in between your words.
Marching forward you grab your husband and pull him into a tight hug, him returning it immediately. You wrap your arms around his waist and hold his shoulder from behind. He grabs your water soaked head and brings it into his chest, breathing in the scent of your shampoo.
The apology comes out easier than he expected it to. He apologized for everything you thought he wasn’t aware of. He apologized for leaving you alone. He apologized for prioritizing his job over his wife. He apologized for constantly leaving socks on the floor of your bedroom and everything else in between. Swaying you back and forth as you sobbed in his arms.
“Its okay, its okay.” You whispered over and over again as he held you. Interrupting his apologies quietly over and over again until he was done.
Pulling yourself off of him slightly you grab his face with your hands and look up into his eyes. Moving your hands up his face, you eventually run your fingers through his hair and return back down to his cheeks.
Now the morning sweeps you up
You take your evening outfit off
“Join me?” You question, quickly gazing back at the still running shower and then back to his pretty eyes. dropping the towel as you do so.
“Of course.” He whispers lovingly. Silently taking off his clothes as he follows you back into the shower.
You run your shower and lean back your head
He kisses your lips as you close the curtain. Kissing him back with everything you have, you equally as fast pull away. Muttering a quick ‘you smell’ as you move to stand behind him, grabbing the shampoo bottle and squirting some into your hand. He hums blissfully as you begin massaging his scalp. When it’s scrubbed enough, you turn him around and back him into the flowing water of the shower head. Letting the soap wash away from his hair.
“Thank you for staying. Fucking hell, i wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you left.” He smiles a bit as he says this and you are quick to lock your lips once again. More passionately this time, him knowing in his heart that you are his forever. He will always be grateful for you.
I love when you wash your hair
#If this is bad please forgive me i am not a professional fanfic writer yet 🙏#cod ghost x reader#simon riley#cod mw2#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon ‘ghost’ riley#call of duty#simon riley angst#simon riley fluff#simon ghost riley x reader#cod mwii
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I’ve discovered your blog and it’s single handedly feeding my current valorant obsession, I love your writing so much. With that said, could I please request a some fluffy confession scenes with Sova or possibly Chamber? Thank you so much!
I will abandon this page istg i hate tumblr but this is a request i can write in one go so here i am at 00:43. Lets see when i'll finish it. (Im done and its 03:00)
<<<The reader is another agent in the protocol in this fic. Sova part is GN and Chamber part is female reader. >>>
Hope you like it! And thank you sm!!
Confession headcannons with Sova and Chamber
He is the hollywood star of hiding emotions and pressing them in so no one can tell what he really feels or who is the person he has eyes on. Exept himself ofcourse.
He is not some kind of "i'll built up my emotions inside so i wont hurt anyone" kind of person. He knows he shouldnt hide them too long or it can cause damage. He talks about his problems to Brim like everybody does. But not love, ofcourse.
He thinks that he shouldnt feel like this to a coworker. Not that there isnt any couples in the HQ. There is Raze and KJ and he knows that Brim allows it.
He is probably scared of you rejecting him. If so, there will be a moody aura between whenever you two need to team up for a mission. He cannot allow that. That will effect both of your morals and the performance.
But every second he is not speaking about his feelings is like a torture to him. Like all of his energy is drawn out of him when he returns from a mission or just from trainings.
Spending his day at his room, not practising archery, not having conversations much often, sitting in the plane and looking out of the window while going to a mission rather than giving courage to people is not like him. Something is bothering him. Clearly.
You went to sit next to him. He immediately turned his head to you. "Did something happened?" He asked.
"I should be the one asking you that." You said. He stared at you for a good 15 seconds.
"Lets have this conversation after the mission." He suggested with the pressure of his own feelings. It was getting too much for him to handle. You did not pressed on it. The mission was a short one after all. Everyone did good and went back to the HQ with the same plane.
He immediately regret his choice of words when you stood infront of him when he tried to get out of the plane. He was planning to found an excuse but he didnt had the time to think about that.
"Umm..." he said trying to get some time to think. You lift a brow, implying that you both know why you are in his way.
"Lets talk about it when no one is around, shall we?" He said while bending over you a little.
"There is no one around, Sasha. You took unexpectedly long to leave the plane." You said. You were not letting him escape again.
He sighed. Looking around, really no one was left at the landing field. He grabbed your arm and getting you two both out of the plane. The sky was open and orange with the sunset of the beautiful winter.
He held both of your hands. You could feel the shake of them. It was ironic that the sniper of the protocol's hands was shaking that easily before you.
"You dont have to say anything, its better if we pretend that i said nothing, but..." you tilted your head and frown at the words. "I am in love with you." He says.
He is too scared to look you in the eyes or hear the words that will come out of your mouth so he continues to speak.
"I was too scared that our friendship will never be the same after my confession so i kept this feelings inside but they didnt stop growing. I felt like i was drowning and couldnt hide it anymore. I am sorry if i ruined our friendship and-"
He stopped after hearing your laugh. Did he said something stupid? Was this so childish for him to do? Why were you laughing?
"You were hiding this from me? For how long?" You said. He got confused. "Uhh... for... over 4 or 5 months?" He said, unsure about when he got this crush over you.
"You should have told me from the start silly. I like you too!" As you said, his eyes lit up with the happiness. Holding your hands tighter, he asked. "Really? Are you real? You are not saying that because you dont want me to feel bad, do you?"
With your head shake as a no, he hugs you while both of you laugh with joy. And there goes your first kiss with him. Under the orange sky with the blow of an air like a celebration of the nature for both of you.
Mhm. We all know this man aint hiding nothing. He shall show you and everyone that he has eyes on you so that nobody can steal you from him untill he officialy takes you out.
Yea i feel like he would take you out to an extra expensive restaurant to confess, even the offer itself looks like the confession already.
"Chamber, you really dont have to." You say while hanging the vandal back to its place. Training was over and the french man knew your schedule from head to toe. It was impossible for him to miss any of your free times.
"Please, the randevu was made from weeks ago. Plus, if it isnt going to be you then who is it?" He says while giving you the card of the restaurant. On the card, it was written the place of the restaurant (i will die from this stuffy nose istg i cannot write) with the date and time of the randevu with his fancy handwriting.
You gave a smile to him. Not often you got this kind of... um... take outs? (I forgor the word in english) He was generous to offer you this. Altough it was clear why he did this.
You contact Brim to clear that day but he said that Chamber did it for you. Then you discover that nearly everyone knows about the "take out" that you guys will have.
"O. M. G. You know that he will confess you that night, right?" Jett said while cutting cucumbers to put on her eyes but Phoenix eats them trying not to get caught. The girls night is getting little heavy on you. (Pho is one of the girls idc.)
"Yea, yea, i know. Who doesnt." You said while rolling your eyes. Trying to not pop the conversation much.
"I mean, i didnt got a confession in a fancy restaurant." KJ said while looking at Raze. Who has no idea whats going on.
"Well, im okay if he wants to do it this way but im not sure if i'll fit in that kind of atmosphere. Everyone and everything is so expensive. You know." You said while shaking your shoulders.
"Are you kidding me? That french has his eyes on you. You think he will matter if you fit in or not?" Neon lifts the cucumbers from her eyes and looks at you from the couch. You lift your hands sideways as to tell you dont know.
"We will make you fit." Phoenix says with excitement. "What is the date?" He asks while everyone awaits the answer from you.
Eventually, the date comes. Everyone you gave the date is more excited than you. Preparing your dress, makeup and everything like its a doll dressing game.
When it comes to Chamber, he was ready more than ever. It was like classic Chamber yet so different. He had his 'special occasion suit' on him and a smug smile on his face. He offers you his arm and you take it.
(You go to the restaurant but its getting too late and i need some sleep so imma skip that part.)
"So..." he says while you both sit face to face, eating dinner. He had studied this for over how many times and yet he is still nervous. You turned your look at him and raise a brow.
"We both know why we are here, Vincent. I like you too. You dont have to give me a whole speech." You said. Drinking some of the wine to cover your face and overexcitement.
He laughs at your boldness. "Its open like a book, isnt it?" He looks straight into your eyes. You feel like they could pierce through you. "Thats my girl. Bold and smart as always" He says. "You dont need a brain to see that you have eyes on me." It was your time to laugh.
He looks at you with that stupid smirk on his face. Like he truly fell in love if you. "I love you." He says. Giving up on the talk he had prepared. He felt like it was the only thing he needed to say.
Even if that three words was the only thing he said, they made your heartbeat race up immediately. With a giggle, you hold his hand that is on the table. "I love you." You said. The only thing he said and the only thing he needed to hear from you was the same nontheless.
#valorant#headcanon#sova#sova valorant#valorant sova#sova headcannons#sova x reader#valorant x reader#chamber#chamber valorant#chamber x reader#chamber headcannons
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To My Sweetheart Who Carries A Wounded Heart ~ Info.
Blade & Reader's Relationship
Series Masterlist, Chapter 1 🤍, Chapter 2 🖤, Chapter 3 🤍, Chapter 4🖤, Chapter 5🤍, Chapter 6🖤, Chapter 7🤍
Being childhood best friends, they knew everything about each other and been there for all of the other's milestones.
Reader describes Blade as his soulmate and is the only person throughout the whole series who calls him "Ren."
They met in kindergarten or preschool (I forgot what I wrote for that) and the reader kept on bothering him until he acknowledged her and proved to care for her, and since then has been inseparable.
It goes deeper into detail in Chapter 2:
AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52453421/chapters/132797800
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/samptlay/737693316678828032/to-my-sweetheart-who-carries-a-wounded-heart-ch
Before meeting Levi, (the reader's current husband) reader would call Blade at least 4 times a week and they would go out together 2-to 3 times a week. Lots of people thought of them as a couple, but both the reader and Blade would shut down the idea.
If the two of them were honest, the attraction and romantic tension were there. There was one night that the two had made out under the influence back in high school as seniors, but the two of them both agreed to just not speak of it. (Blade thinks about it every few months.)
However, none of them had ever made a move. And this is because of the phase he went through during high school. During the beginning of their sophomore year, Blade had started to hang out with guys who thought they knew better than everyone else. Guys who thought girls were just objects made for their satisfaction. Though it didn't change the way Blade acted around the reader, he was arrogant and an overall bastard to everyone else.
A bastard with a handsome face that had ladies all over him. He started to smoke and drink (not enough for him to be an alcoholic or anything, this is what also led to the make-out sesh with the reader one night) He had dozens of girlfriends throughout those years and cheated on them all. Even when he found someone he was actually interested in, he couldn't help but give in to the temptation of other females. So in summary, he was a total player who couldn't commit himself to someone for anything.
This behavior sadly faded into his early years of adulthood. He had different girls running in and out of his apartment every few weeks.
*Switching to 2nd POV, sorry.
You always scolded him about it, worried he would catch something or end up knocking a girl up though he always insisted he played it safe. He admired you even more during those times, because you never seemed to judge him for it. However, you were off limits, out of reach.
This also happened to be around the time you and Levi got married. Blade knew he couldn't commit himself to you, so he didn't have anything to say when someone else swept you off your feet. That doesn't mean he didn't feel anything at all. He took at all the frustration of not being there for you on other women, and got into a bad drinking habit.
Not exactly an alcoholic, but still. You let Blade know you would avoid being alone with him for a long while until you completely have your partners trust to come see him alone. Though Blade understood, it still made his heart ache.
It wasn't until he lost his job in a very risky project he wasn't even supposed to be working on in his company, that he sobered up. (Something like in the game.) During this period, he only had enough savings to last him 4-5 months but it would run out quickly. You had tried to offer him help but Levi wouldn't let you, saying you were being "too nice" and on your way to "giving Blade the wrong idea.".
When I eventually got to one month of unemployment, he was at the gym trying to gather his thoughts while in his own little bubble until a man named "Elio" approached him. Apparently Blade had been watched for about a year according to him and had no idea. Elio said that he knew Blade was running out of cash and offered him a job with a salary that would have people bending backs for. The requirements of the job were tight and required his whole life to fall into Elio's hands, but Blade was desperate and broke.
He didn't have time to entertain women or get wasted. The work was definitely sketchy, and he knew all the things he weren't all legal. He's been under-cover, stolen, fought, involved in fraud and more. All of this seemed to wake him up to true adult life and look back at his past self in absolutely disgust. Of course, you were stoked and over the moon about his new found maturity and even seemed to be around more, just because you felt a lot more comfortable & secure. with this Blade.
Yet, you had no idea what caused the change and always pressed him about it, a little concerned about his choice of field since you swore that Golden Watch he had on was more than both you & his savings combined. Each & every time, he gently shut you down and avoided the topic, deciding that this would be the one wall you'd never be able to break with him. After two years, you let it go and to be honest it caused a small strain in between the two of you since you though he didn't trust you anymore, which wasn't true. He was just silenced.
But you two were still each other's favorite person. Even if you were married, Blade was your soulmate. You've texted him at least 3 times a week throughout your whole life and make sure he never feels forgotten, vice-verse.
But as of the last three years, you seemed to be getting worn down more and more, day-by-day. Each month, the amount of times you'd call him crying because of arguing with your husband increase and he swears that he would have kidnapped you himself up and out of that place long ago if you'd let him.
End of 2nd POV.
In conclusion, Blade & Reader are strictly platonic even though there is little romantic tension, it's more of a click when it comes to the two. They never judge each other for anything and if one party calls, the others is zooming over there in an instant, no matter who there partners are.
Note this, Blade has always wished him and Reader had gone out in their early highschoolers years. Then perhaps his whole life would be turned around, as well as having a ring on his own finger.
And if you weren't married as of now, he would have proposed the moment he left his past self behind. But that's not the case. So for now, he'll admire you from where he currently is.
But Reader knows he loves her. And Blade knows reader loves him too.
Taglist: @msun1c0rn @anime1fan2 @skyl8ver, @umi-adxhira, @lovingnahida @immahuman @faellell @uhfhfhfhf @ssecylia @strrawb3rrysh0rtcak3 @markexplanation @meowmeowraven @xdrin
#hsr x reader#blade x reader#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#fem reader#ao3 fanfic#ao3#fanfic#relationship#childhood friends
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Devlog #14: Big News Incoming and Illustrations
Hello everyone! Welcome to this month’s devlog!
If you just stumbled upon this, I am Adrienne, also known as insertdisc5! I’m the developer, writer, artist, main programmer, etc of the game. The game being In Stars and Time, a timeloop RPG, which is also the next and final game in the START AGAIN series, following START AGAIN: a prologue (available here!). You can find out more about In Stars and Time here!!!
LET’S GET TO IT. This month has some Big News about Big News Incoming! And also some illustrations!
The Big News Incoming first: In Stars and Time will be a part of Future of Play Direct on June 10, 8:00am PT | 11:00am ET | 5:00 pm CET! Future of Play is part of the Summer Games Fest and showcases a lot of incredible indie games, so I hope you’ll tune in. There might be a little something for you to see :> And...
In Stars and Time will also be a part of The Mix on June 8th! The Mix is an amazing games showcase over in LA. There will be a lot of press there, so I’m very excited to get some eyes on ISAT! Please stop by the booth and say hi to the lovely people from my publisher, Armor Games Studios, if you get the chance!
Alright! That’s it for the big news. Now for other big news.
Porting the game to Switch seems to be close to done! Currently, the porting team is taking care of optimization thingy things. The game is playable, but tends to drop frames every so often, so the team is optimizing the game to make sure it’s playing smoothly so Switch players can have the best possible experience! And…
The (hopefully) final round of Japanese localization is underway! Last April, the localization team sent back a couple of sentences that should be reworded now that they have further context. Now that those changes are implemented, they are playing it one more time to make sure everything works as intended!
I sadly don’t have a Fun Gamedev Thing to talk about this month (or… last month either…) because I moved elsewhere back in April and have been taking care of many things so my move went smoothly. Did you know that moving and getting used to a new town is hard work? So, here’s some things I posted on social media in the last couple months!
Here’s an illustration I drew a while back but only posted recently! I imagine that during their journey, everyone must’ve shared a bed at least once. This is also an occasion to show everyone’s sleepytimes clothes. Siffrin on that honk shoo honk shoo fit
Like many people, I have seen the Barbie movie trailer. So of course I had to redraw these iconic frames.
And someone over on Tumblr asked me about how I picked everyone’s names! Here it is copy-pasted for your convenience.
Siffrin: i think. i will wait until the game comes out before saying how i picked their name. ask me again later (it’s not a spoiler its just silly)
Mirabelle: her name was actually Prunille for the longest time, but I kept mixing it up and calling her Bonnie… so I went looking for another fruit sounding name (prunille>prune>plum in french) and Mirabelle fit her perfectly :> (Mirabelle is a kind of plum!)
Isabeau: it’s just a nice name. It actually is a girl name but i refuse to accept it because “beau” is the masculine form for “beautiful”, but either way it fits his character pretty well…
Odile: old sounding french name. that’s it. when i was early in preproduction her name was Isabeau actually (and she had a WAY different personality)
Bonnie: it’s a nickname and not their full name. have i said their full name yet? (checks the wiki) i did. Boniface is just a name that I had never heard before, and I could easily imagine Bonnie not liking it because it sounds “old and lame”. i think as they get older they would like it more and more
This is also a reminder that In Stars and Time has a wiki page. I am so grateful that this is a thing someone made. You know you've made it when your game has a wiki page!!!
That’s all I have to say for today! Let me know if you have any questions, or if there’s any aspect of the game development struggle you’d like me to talk about! See you next time!!!
AND DON’T FORGET TO WISHLIST THE GAME ON STEAM ALSO IT REALLY HELPS BECAUSE STEAM’S ALGORITHM IS MORE LIKELY TO SHOW OFF GAMES WITH A HIGH AMOUNT OF WISHLISTS THAT’S THE REASON WHY GAME DEVS ALWAYS ASK TO WISHLIST!!! OKAY BYE!!!!
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"Give Me Some Space" - Steve Rogers
A/N: Hey, this is my first time writing on here! I hope to reach a lot of people who are interested in marvel via tumblr! If you have any requests on future stories, please message me (if you can) or leave a suggestion for the next one in the comments! Leading up to Christmas, I'll post for the 12 days of Christmas and give you different stories with the characters. So, let's get into it!
Y/N and Steve had been invited to a party by Tony just 'because'. Tony enjoyed having parties just for the sake of it. The last party, which was around 3 months ago, is where she met her current boyfriend, Steve. They both loved each other so dearly and cherished each day they had together as they both knew Steve's line of work was dangerous.
The night of the party came, Y/N was pretty nervous as there were some new additions to the team that she hadn't met yet.
"You ready yet, babe?" Steve shouted up the stairs
"Yeah, gimme a sec!"
"Come on, you've taken age-" he stopped mid sentence as he saw her. He smiled widely and sighed, "Holy shit," he paused, "You look.. great!"
She laughs
"I guess taking ages was worth it if I'm gonna get that reaction!"
He gently takes her hand and leads he to the car, opening the door for her.
"Oh what a gentleman!" she exclaims and laughs.
"You know me!" he smiles
As you drive to the party, she sees the bustling vibrant night life beginning to come to life. Y/N had never really been out in New York since she moved here. She was a more stay in a quiet place type. Steve stops the car when they finally arrive at Tony's party and are greeted by Tony on the door. He shakes Steve's hand and hugs Y/N.
"You look wonderful! Very sparkly!" He says as you walk past him
"Thanks, Tony. I really tried today!" she says back.
Steve takes her hand again, in a more protective and demanding kind of way. He hated when other men gave her compliments. Y/N was his as far as he was concerned, not anybody else's.
During the night, Y/N laughs and drinks with everyone and even have a few dances with them all. However, as it gets later, she begins to feel more awkward with the people as she's away from Steve. Y/N spots him sitting down with a drink, and walks over to him.
"Babe, you coming for a dance?" she says to him
"Nah, I'm okay" he retorts.
Disappointed by his answer, Y/N awkwardly sits on the small space of chair left next to him.
"Please, Steve. I wanna have a dance with you! I wanna enjoy this night with you!"
"I said I'm okay, Y/N. I don't dance! I don't like dancing. Never have, never will." he spits back.
Y/N sighs and storms back onto the dance floor, leaving Steve to be in his bad mood.
"What's his issue?" Tony says, nodding towards Steve
"He doesn't wanna dance!"
"His loss, I guess."
The night continues and the music grows louder and louder every hour. The dance floor is crowded with couples dancing with each other. She looks back over at Steve and decides to ask him to dance again.
"Steve, baby, please! Come dance with me!" she puts her arms around his neck and rests her chin on his shoulder.
"No, Y/N! God, you're so fucking clingy!" he roars, pushing her away from him and standing up.
"Steve, please. Don't make a scene!" she pleads back
"No, Y/N! You're so damn clingy it's unreal. You can't even go one night without pestering me and trying to force me into something I don't wanna do!" he screams
"Steve," she pauses, "I.. I didn't.. I wasn't trying to force you to do anything, Steve! I just wanted to have a dance with you because it looks like that's what every other couple is doing here now, Steve!"
"Well, I don't want to, Y/N! Just give me some space!" he pushes past her and storms out of the doors into the open air.
She stands there awkwardly, feeling everyone's eyes on her. She sighs and sits on the couch.
At around 3 a.m, the party finishes and Y/N gets into the car with Steve. The ride back home is much more awkward and isn't as fun as the ride to the party.
"Steve," she pauses "I'm so-"
he cuts her off
"I don't wanna hear it, Y/N. You always say you're sorry but never seem to change!"
"Steve, I just wanted to spend time with you, that's all. I just wanted to look normal for once and act like a normal couple!"
Steve stays silent.
"Oh the silent treatment, huh? Yeah, real mature." she sighs and stares out of the window.
After a long and tense ride home, they pull up onto the drive. Steve quickly gets out of the driver's seat, slams the door and goes into the house. She follows shortly after him. As she enters, she sees him coming down the stairs with a small bag.
"Steve?", she says with urgency, "Where are you going?"
"I need a break."
"What?"
"I need a break from you. I need you to change. I need space and time away from you. I hate how clingy and needy you are!"
Before she could say anything to get him to stay, he charges out of the door. He slams the door behind him, leaving her standing there in their shared home alone for the first time in 4 months.
"Am I really that bad?"
Her eyes well with tears and one finally escapes and rolls down her face as she stares at the door.
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Asteroid Destinn in Composite
What the relationship will teach you both
Asteroid code is 6583
Link to my Etsy shop for personal Composite chart readings 🖤
HIII MUERTE BABYS <3
This post gives the ick 🙁😭 I don’t really like it , though I haven’t posted actual content in a month or two and I don’t wanna leave you guys waiting more months so I just decided to give you guys this 🧍♀️ I’m sorry if it gives you the ick too , trust me besties I really am disappointed in myself for this one </3 Promise the next content I come out with won’t be as choppy , I’ve been going through a lot lately , my apologies 🥲 Anyways if you enjoy this post make sure to like, reblog and comment if my interpretation resonated with you! :-)
P.S. Tumblr isn’t like TikTok! So if you really enjoy this post and the rest of my Composite content, please reblog. Tumblr doesn’t have similar algorithm to bigger platforms, so in order to reach more people, reblogs are the most helpful thing you can do for your favorite content creators! Thank you! <3
ALSO P.S.‼️ I’m trying to include poly relationships because I don’t wanna offend anyone , so in most of the interpretations they’re referring to “both” as in a two person relationship , though these interpretations can apply to any relationship :-) I haven’t found a proper way to put words together so it can relate to everyone without confusing anyone at the same time so yeah my apologies 😭 Someone help me w this
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Aries Destinn - This relationship is will teach you both independency. The foundation of independence. You both may feel not as connected as a couple that society expects to be. This placement is the reason behind that. You both could have issues coexisting outside of your relationship or past relationships and that is why this placement is taking affect. Depending on other aspects you both could struggle to make time for the relationship and each other in general and avoid talking about the issue as well. (1H Destinn synastry can also cover for this observaion!) This placement or should I say relationship is teaching you both that it is OKAY to have separate things from your partner, it is FINE to prioritize yourself in the end before your partner when in regards to your personal life. You do not need to prioritize your partner in EVERY aspect of your life. These couples could also struggle with differences between each other that are hard to ignore (if badly aspected). Like a opposite couple, like those couples who have COMPLETELY different interests, beliefs, religious backgrounds, political backgrounds, etc. You and your partner’s self identify may severely differ. Or if it is well aspected, including the house placement, both identities has the possibility to blend together pretty well. This relationship is also teaching you that “other halves”, “twin flames” don’t really exist from a psychological perspective. This relationship is giving you a chance to change that mindset. That you alone make yourself whole, and that you do not have to depend on someone in your love life to keep you mentally stable or be a guard dog for your physical well-being. I notice this placement also really lets you know in the end, if the relationship doesn’t happen to work out, that incompatibility is okay. There’s nothing wrong with not being romantically compatible with someone. In fact, if you didn’t notice already, you don’t EVERYONE romantically, so this placement is helping you realize not everyone has to like you back romantically, and that relationships aren’t always permanent, and that is okay. Release and acceptance is a big thing for this placement, which is why it is the most beneficial ✨
Taurus Destinn - Congratulations! 🎉 🎊 You’ve reached jackpot! Or have you? This placement is teaching you a classic, sharing is caring ✨ Taurus Destinn couples can find theirselves struggling or getting used to be financially stable with someone else, now they’re in a relationship, that needs financial support, taking it to the next level, they need to learn how to work with their partner, not just on a romance level. Have you ever heard someone say you don’t really know someone until you live with them? Haha! They’ve just experienced that Taurus Destinn influence 😈 These are the type of couples that are prone to arguing about financial issues, living together, finding a house that fits their budget AND their separate personal places (like mini offices, video game room, etc). Taurus Destinn couples are quite similar to Aries and Virgo Destinn couples, all of them have one thing in common, the differences of separate identities. Now I may have turned you completely off from Taurus Destinn PERIOD, but heard me out, that’s the whole reason asteroid Destinn exists 😉 Taurus Destinn couples, how do you both expect to be in a RELATIONSHIP, when you’re so closed off from everyone else, even when you’re single, I mean come on! Are you guys moving too fast or moving too slow? Taurus is already uncomfortable enough being in this position, so that’s why you both may experience discomfort in the relationship as well, from time to time of course. This placement is teaching you both to explore your boundaries, your limits, your options more. To get more comfortable with romance in general. This placement is common in friends-to-lovers, first lover relationships and rebound relationships, or just in general after a tough breakup that left you hopeless in romance, in finding your sweetheart. Taurus Destinn is supposed to keep you both on your feet! Love a little, live a little, laugh a little ♥️ You both could have trouble finding things you BOTH will enjoy, that you BOTH will feel comfortable with. Taurus is uncomfortable asf in this position, I REPEAT! So this is where Taurus biggest undeveloped attribute comes out… laziness! I suggest you both attempt to spice up the relationship, doesn’t have to be just in the bed if you know what I mean 😉 Really tho, I suggest you both find things to do together you both have never experienced before, make NEW memories together that you have no memory of, even if it is just the smallest thing. Try out each other’s interests together as well <3 Seeing your partner happy, I promise will make you LOVE whatever the interest is, IMMEDIATELY! 💕
Gemini Destinn - Gemini? What can I say, one of the most stereotyped signs 🥲 … This relationship is teaching you both that it isn’t just okay, it is MANDATORY that you set boundaries even with your loved ones! Gemini Destinn Couples could learn new things from their relationship and their partner, things that just stick with them, something this placement has in common with Scorpio Destinn. Taking time to ACTUALLY learn about each other is one of the biggest factors in these relationships. These couples are more likely to have a different love language, communication style and anger style than each other, just overall mentally operate entirely different than each other, which will eventually lead to confusion and splitting, cause a emotional cut off in the relationship, a emotional blockage, misinterpretation. Confidence is another factor. Learning to be self efficient, self confident, self aware without your partner’s hand. Gemini Destinn couples could feel like they’re more best friends than lovers at times. Overall this placement is teaching both to be more open minded to things separate from their own eyes, and to actually not only listen to other perspectives, try to make a effort to understand what it feels like and why it feels like for other perspectives. I suggest couple therapy to Gemini Destinn couples though with the influence of Gemini, they both may be in denial of needing this service. Creativity. Another big factor in these relationships, both operate quite differently, which is why my next suggestion if therapy is not a option, sit down and take turns talking. Like a common therapy exercise you can practice at home, one person has the ball and since is in possession with the ball, they’re the only one allowed to talk until the timer goes off. Opinions should be shared in these relationships. How can you be in a relationship with someone you never actually HEAR? You listen and refuse to HEAR. One ear out the other. Work on not invalidating each other and ACTUALLY hear each other out, ACTUALLY LISTEN to each other’s thoughts on things, and reasoning for things.
Cancer Destinn - This placement is a indication of the relationship teaching the couple that it is okay to let someone in, you don’t have to be closed off mentally from everyone. What I absolutely LOVE about this placement is that it teaches determination, desirement, it teaches to go after for what you want and stick to it, loyalty, impulsive feeling. That sometimes you’re going to be put in tough situations where you have to fight for love. Cancer Destinn couples could experience issues with their in laws like their partner’s parent(s) won’t accept the relationship. Leading to this couple being very close and protective over the peace in their relationship. If cheating unfortunately occurs in this relationship, PLEASE if you know somebody with this placement in their Composite with their partner, don’t tell them, 99.9% the partner won’t listen to you and possibly stop talking to you because of you telling them. It is honestly really sad, such a big con to this placement :-/. Cancer Destinn, like Libra/Leo/Virgo Destinn can get caught up in the idea of the “couples goal” look and feel like their relationship HAS to operate a certain way, or be 100% perfect, fit to the standards society has set for a “normal” relationship. Could not be open to trying new to things together, like to stick to what they both know they’ll 100% enjoy together, similar to Capricorn Destinn. Cancer Destinn teaches couples that boundaries are a MUST in a relationship, in all connections, no matter what. I suggest for Cancer Destinn couples to work on applying boundaries in the relationship and sticking to them without feeling guilt. Have fun. Cancer = 4H = The four elements. So be spontaneous together. FUCK social standards, run your relationship however the fuck you both want to!Create new memories together, go on long wild adventures together. Cancer Destinn couples, you have the opportunity to make a change in society with the influence of this placement. Cancer Destinn is reminding you all that you are NEVER too old to do something. While you should have crazy fun together, also appreciate the little things 💕 Appreciate the times you spent just simply watching TV together, cooking together, doing chores with each other. Four in Numerology represents contentment. Find peace in the relationship, and connect it with your inner self. This placement is reminding you the values of life & love, how love is the strongest vibration in all the planes in the Universe 💝
Leo Destinn - This relationship will teach the couple that romance is VERY diverse, there is no set four love languages. One of the easiest Destinn placements. Watch out! You’re bound to developing new kinks and finding out more about your sexual preferences from this relationship. You’ll learn all about your body and generally your partner’s body as well with the influence of this placement. So whatever worked for your last relationship in regards to s*x, it is a completely fresh slate for this connection. If this placement is easily aspected , it will also teach the couple that not everything needs a plan or a set goal , you don’t have to be so fast paced or slow paced in regards to the relationship. Society norms be like “Don’t move so fast in relationships!” , how about neither of you move at all and let the speed push you? The thing is with relationships , no relationship is the EXACT same , every relationship in the world and the universal planes is different , meaning who cares how your relationship functions? As long as it works for you both , that’s all that REALLY matters. Overall I’m pretty sure you get the gift of what Leo Destinn is primarily teaching.
Virgo Destinn - Teaches the couple that wants and needs are two SEPARATE priorities. That being picky will get you nowhere in romance. Now standards are 100% valid and should be somewhat important when looking for a romantic partner. HOWEVER those standards shouldn’t be unrealistic to the point you’re just creating a OC. These relationships also teach the couple to love their personal flaws, I think it is funny how Virgo Destinn LITERALLY makes us LOVE our flaws. Literally if you have share a Virgo Destinn with your partner, I bet your partner has flaws that you are insecure about. Like acne issues, let’s say you have struggled with acne ALL of your life and you’re so insecure about it, you don’t even wanna look in the mirror at yourself and see your reflection staring back at you because you despise of it so much. Your partner has acne too, and they may not be as insecure about it as you are, by them having acne and you too, but you being very insecure about it, soon enough you start to love your acne because it reminds you of your sweetheart 🖤 It reminds you that you love everything about your partner, including their acne, so eventually you start to love yourself too 💕✨ Sadly if this placement is heavily undeveloped, insecurity issues will be the end of this relationship. This placement is mainly teaching you that in order to love someone else, first you need to truly love YOURSELF. Virgo Destinn couples are prone to getting caught up in the relationship like Aries Destinn. Prone to cancelling important meet ups or just simple hangouts with their close friends because they want to be around their partner 24/8. They feel like they need to. Codependency issues really need to be adjusted in these relationships. Work on coexisting outside of your relationship. Making decisions without needing your partner right by your side giving you their opinion. Could feel like their day just isn’t going well or doesn’t feel right without their partner present (Also 6H Destinn Synastry can relate to that observation). Routine could be or feel super different after breakup. Depression is prone for people experiencing a breakup with Virgo Destinn in Composite. This placement is common in newly LGBTQ+ relationships, those who are just figuring out their sexuality and their sexual needs, wants and desires. Also common in marriages, relationships after a long term relationship, a relationship after a breakup that made you look for your ex in every new person that caught your eye romantically, and people just getting back into the romance scene. Familiarity is a common theme with Virgo Destinn couples, needing to be needed.
Libra Destinn - This placement is teaching the couple that it is okay to move slow in the relationship , you don’t have to sign marriage documents when the relationship is still fresh in order to prove your love for each other and to prove you want to be with each other. I notice these couples can often drift away from each other at times , though when they reconcile they’re even more interested in each other. Trust plays a important role in these relationships , if this placement has a lot of hard aspects or if it is undeveloped , it can also teach the couple that you don’t have to question everything. Libra Destinn couples could sometimes feel like they don’t 100% know their partner , or feel like the relationship isn’t 100% stable or “official”. Libra Destinn couples could’ve started off as JUST friends before they even thought of being in a relationship together. Overall this placement is mainly teaching these couples that trust and stability are in one package. You cannot have stability in a relationship without trust and vice versa you cannot have trust in a relationship without stability. This relationship’s purpose is more personal , to prepare the two for future long lasting , stable and trustworthy connections , you’re literally getting a free relationship coach with this connection , literally a free relationship therapist , free therapy advice , all thanks to Libra Destinn 💝
Scorpio Destinn - This placement is a indication of a relationship that is meant to teach the couple that new beginnings should be welcomed instead of feared. This placement is common in relationships after a tough breakup with a ex you felt like you’d never get over. I notice in these relationships the two have a set goal , or set standards just in general something to prove with this relationship. Could compare this relationship to their past relationship(s) A LOT. Not having an actual desire to build a authentic connection together , only for the looks , like I said something to prove. I remember reading about the stages of missing your ex , and two of the stages being , getting into a relationship right after recently breaking up with your ex , and the other stage that I remember making the relationship after this recent breakup VERY public and out there to the public eye , and on the same page as you left it off with your ex , so let’s say , you and your ex breakup THOUGH a couple weeks before the breakup , you both moved in together. So in this new relationship , that’s where it starts off at , right where you and your ex left everything off at. Now you and this new person is moving into together when you both have only been in a relationship for a few weeks. Overall Scorpio Destinn is teaching the couple to allow new things to remain new , to work on keeping past things past in your new connections , if they weren’t there to see it happen , why do they need a backstory?
Sagittarius Destinn - This placement is teaching the couple how to be more comfortable with unfamiliarity. As Sagittarius rules everything foreign , with this placement’s influence , you can expect a couple to be the opposite of each other. Sagittarius Destinn couples are prone to struggling with finding a “routine” or a lifestyle together they’d both fit best. I imagine Sagittarius Destinn couples to feel a bit distant from each other as a couple , feel as if the relationship isn’t actually a relationship , so this placement can also be known for helping the two feel more secure , and feel less uncomfortable in getting close with people on a romantic level. Like I said within the first few sentences , Sagittarius Destinn couples are the opposite of each other , so this placement is primarily teaching the two new things in all areas of life , new experiences. This placement is common in relationships with people who are just now putting themselves out in the world (like romance or just meeting new people in general) and people who are just now discovering new things about themselves.
Capricorn Destinn - Two words: Stability and Structure. Learning how to balance your connections in your life , learning how to separate your bonds in life without breaking them. Reminds me of “The Tower” in Tarot , usually couples sharing Capricorn Destinn personally struggle with keeping their personal life out of their love life or struggle with not letting their friends influence their decisions in their love life. Capricorn Destinn couples can find themselves struggling with a set label of their connection together and setting clear boundaries with each other. When I’m thinking of Capricorn Destinn , I’m thinking of Capricorn Moon because Asteroid Destinn is most influential to the Moon specifically , and the Moon in Composite shows how the relationship is going to more likely function and why. Meaning Capricorn Destinn couples are very prone to struggling with communicating their needs to each other. Overall the question still stands “What is Capricorn Destinn teaching the couple?” , Capricorn Destinn is teaching the couple how to work upon each other’s needs , how to effectively without causing strain , to keep the relationship personal , private , not have “editor access” to anyone else , what I mean by “editor access” is not letting people who aren’t in the relationship give opinions about the relationship and let the opinions actually shape the relationship in any other way. Let the unrealistic standards begin! Your standards are never too “high” for the right person. Sincerely Capricorn Destinn 🖤
Aquarius Destinn - Friends to Lovers? Jk. Or am I? There’s a lot of stereotypes around Aquarius in Composite charts because Aquarius usually symbolizes friendship. Though when Aquarius usually symbolizes in a Composite , this means the sign is teaching the couple that you don’t have to be # couple goals , you don’t have to fit the standards of everyone else’s relationships or how a relationship is supposed to function or how a couple is supposed to look. Only you both decide that for your relationship together. So I guess the stereotypes of Aquarius in Composite are A LITTLE true , for now until proven otherwise only in Destinn’s position. Aquarius Destinn allows you to let loose with your feelings for each other. Go crazy over each other , spend majority of your time with each other. Aquarius in Destinn’s position almost feels a little too good to be true , like this placement is literally a gift from the stars , the stars know you’ve been through a lot , so in reward they’re giving you this carefree placement <3
Pisces Destinn - A breath of fresh air , at last… not for the interpretation of the placement , but for me because this post took SO LONG to finish ☠️ Anyways Pisces Destinn couples can often mirror each other , in a way where they’ll call their partner out for their shit but in reality it is their shit too. The placement of matching energy would be Pisces Destinn ✨ This placement can confuse the couple A LOT at first because they’re used to their own shit but now they’re in a relationship with someone who also has the same attributes of their shit. It contradicts EVERYTHING! Literally. Worst case scenario this placement is followed by hard aspects or is SEVERELY undeveloped , then boom! You’re in a relationship with someone of COMPLETE opposite of you. Not the cute opposite couples , with different aesthetics and clothing style , no , opposite TRAITS of each other. So the lesson set for these couples are pretty clear , Pisces Destinn is teaching the couple to work with each other and if you think about it this is more of a personal placement because with the mirror affect , it is showing the couple traits of themselves that can be overbearing at times , like a narrator’s perspective almost. Pisces Destinn reminds me of the glasses they give you at the movie theatre to watch the movie. Sometimes with Pisces Destinn , you could feel like a outsider on your own relationship.
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FINALLY OVER WITH THIS POST IM SO FUCKING HAPPY OK BYE
I LOVE YOU GUYS <3 SO SORRY FOR MY ABSENCE 🥲🖤
#astrology#astrology notes#spirituality#birth chart#spiritualjourney#astronotes#astroblr#composite chart#destinn#asteroid astrology#asteroid#aries placements#taurus placements#gemini placements#cancer placements#leo placements#virgo horoscope#virgo placements#libra placements#scorpio placements#sagittarius placements#capricorn placements#aquarius placements#pisces placements#astro#astrology tumblr#astroworld#i love you muerte babys 🧛♀️🖤#my lil muerte babys 🪦💝#awda
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all the words you didn't mean for me to hear
Part 1 of 'Secret Messages' a Break up era Tarlos fic
Hey Everyone! I have decided to release this fic in 'mini' parts here on tumblr before releasing the whole thing on ao3. (mostly because I need some encouragement and validation despite not feeling ready to publish it yet there and you all have always been supportive) Think of this as a little gift for being wonderful followers/mutuals 💛
Tagging a couple of you who I know have been waiting for this fic, sorry if I miss you (let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for this fic or my Tarlos fics) @chaotictarlos @lightningboltreader
Carlos holds the plastic bag of personal effects tightly in his fist. His fingers are going stiff with how hard he’s been holding on to it since the nurse handed it to him after he signed all the required papers for being TK’s emergency contact. The shock of hearing that TK never took Carlos off his contact form has his mind whirling while his body remains frozen.
“Did you know he kept me on as his contact?” Carlos turns towards Nancy with a raised brow.
She shakes her head slowly, “I wouldn’t have needed to call you if I knew. The hospital would have. Doesn’t surprise me though.”
He hums softly in reply, pulling out TK’s wallet from the bag and shoving it in his coat pocket, his phone follows, and then Carlos is pulling out his silver chain with the 252 medallion. It’s wrong to see it hanging loosely from his fingers, unattached to the person it belongs to. Since Carlos met TK he has seen the chain peeking out from underneath clothes, dangling from his unclothed chest, landing on Carlos’ own chest as they make love. He’s equated this item with TK for so long that holding it now is the most tangible reminder of just how bad this situation is.
It is also strange to be holding an essential piece of TK so long after their break up. He runs his thumb over the engraved pendant for a second before raising his arm and slipping the chain around his neck. As he settles it under his shirt the cold medal sits heavy against his heart.
The chain is a constant reminder of all the things he’s lost and what he still stands to lose if TK doesn’t win his current life or death battle. Still the anger and irritation at being called to TK’s side after so many months of radio silence simmers just below the surface. Only kept at bay by the growing worry and sense of dread he feels the more he learns about TK’s situation. Hearing Nancy and Tommy recount resuscitating TK in the field was excruciating, and he almost tells them that he doesn’t need to know the details. Except this is TK, and he’s never stopped wanting to know every little thing about the other man. Even in the frustrating months that TK has forced them to be apart.
Carlos sits in between Nancy and Tommy watching the hands on the clock opposite them tick steadily by. Every second feels like a blessing, every minute a curse. Finally, a nurse comes out to let him know that they need to perform some more tests and that visitors will be restricted for at least the next couple of hours. With a pointed look at all three of them still in uniform she urges them to go home, change clothes, grab what they’ll need if someone wants to stay the night. When she mentions staying the night she looks right at Carlos and he has to actively work not to flinch. He doesn’t have that right anymore, he shouldn’t have any rights. But TK kept him on as an emergency contact and no one can get ahold of Owen, so Carlos isn’t going anywhere.
Which includes home. Thankfully Mitchell happily brings him his bag from his locker at the station and exchanges it for the keys to his patrol unit. He’ll have to find a way back to the station for his Camaro at some point, but that’s tomorrow’s problem, or maybe even the day after tomorrow. His favorite ED nurse lets him into the staff locker room for a quick shower and change into his civilian clothes. Feeling refreshed, but anxious to get back up to TK, Carlos quickly begins stuffing his uniform into his duffel bag until a thud catches his attention.
Realizing TK’s phone has fallen face first onto the hard floor he lets out a soft curse followed by a silent plea that it’s not broken. He picks up the phone hitting the on button on the side. Breathing a sigh of relief as the screen flickers to life and no cracks appear. Just before he can shove it back into the safety of his pocket, a notification catches his attention. He knows he shouldn’t; he has no right, but he can’t deny his curiosity as to why TK is using an app to record messages when Carlos knows he never used to. He hesitates, then tries to guess what TK would have changed his password to after their break up. After two failed attempts he considers calling it fate that he can’t guess it, but on a whim he decides to try the old familiar code - 36320.
His heart does a funny flop in his chest, he swallows hard imagining of TK thinking about him every time he typed in Carlos’ unit number to unlock his phone. The home screen comes up and Carlos is able to click on the notification for the message.
1 unsaved message - would you like to play and save now?
A solid minute debate follows. He really should just turn the phone off, but it’s possible the message could be lost then and he has no way of knowing if it’s important. It’s really not his place to listen to it though and he considers finding Nancy and asking her to listen to it instead, In the end fate decides for him as the phone flashes the warning for low battery and he has no choice, but to click yes, before the phone turns off on its own.
TK’s voice floats down the line and finds Carlos’ breath catches in his throat. He holds it, not wanting the slightest sound to disrupt what might be his last chance at hearing the love of his life.
Hey. This weather is crazy. I didn’t know it could get like this in Texas. You never told me it could get like this in Texas, always just making fun of me for hoarding hoodies. I’m really going to enjoy my hoodie today.
Carlos listens to the message, taking in the easy going rhythm of TK’s voice. It seems like he’s talking to an old friend. Sharing an inside joke. Except if Carlos didn’t know better he’d say it was their inside joke, because he was forever teasing TK about his love of sweatshirts. While secretly hoping he’d be able to steal one from his side of the closet without TK noticing. In fact his brain had betrayed him with that very thought this morning upon waking up to the cold before he remembered that their closet existed no more.
But I’m at work so I’ll keep this short. I’m sure it’s all hands on deck today and I just wanted to say, stay safe. Okay?
The way TK’s voice has gone soft, quiet around the plea, a question raising at the end. It makes Carlos’ heart clench to hear TK directing those words, that tone, to anyone else. For someone else to be granted the parts of TK that were once saved for Carlos alone. It makes him wonder if he should even be here at all or if there is someone else out there that they need to call. Surely Nancy would know though. She’s not cruel, she would never call Carlos here if she knew that TK was seeing someone else.
That's all. I know it’s a lame message, but I needed to say it.
There are a lot of things that I need to say, but none of them are appropriate for a recording, so please just stay safe so that I hopefully get the chance sometime soon. Okay.
*alarm blares in the background* -Shit
Bye Carlos.
Carlos’ heart freezes, stutters, then starts again at a rabbit pace. He has to have heard wrong right? There is no way that TK would be recording a message for Carlos nearly three months after their breakup. Carlos’ mind is just trying to protect itself. He can’t possibly have heard TK say his name. The phone beeps and he pulls it away from his ear to see the notification asking him if he’d like to save the message. Slamming his finger down on the ‘yes’ button and hitting play again with just as much veracity. Before he can even bring the phone back to his ear it beeps and the screen fades to black.
It takes a physical effort not to hurl the damn thing into a wall, but instead he digs around for the power cord he carries in his bag before grabbing all his things and hurrying out to find an outlet. He finds himself back in the ICU waiting room, outlets conveniently lining the walls behind all the visitor chairs. It makes sense since this seems to be a place of perpetual waiting. Carlos ducks his head to avoid the look TK’s nurse shoots him as she steps back into the nurses’ station.
He settles in, with the phone connected to the charging cord and watches as the little battery meter moves, up and down. A quick glance towards TK’s room reveals closed doors and pulled curtains, not allowing even the smallest glimpse of what might be occurring on the other side. Nervous anticipation of what waits for him on TK’s phone causes him to tap his foot against the ground anxiously, wringing his hands together. Finally after what feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed for the phone to be charged enough to turn on, he pushes the button. It is torture waiting as the screen lights up and cycles through the starting features and all the while TK’s voice echoes in his ears, ‘Bye, Carlos’, ringing until he well and truly believes it was a trick of his mind.
Typing in the password is as disconcerting as the last time, and for the first time since the break up, and the long interminable months of silence, Carlos lets himself imagine a world in which TK missed him just as much as he missed TK. He lets himself imagine that his foolish pining wasn’t as unrequited as he always thought. Those thoughts only bring him more grief at the time that they’ve lost. Wasted really.
As the phone finishes turning on he pauses to look at TK’s background. It’s a picture of Buttercup. Cute, but generic, not even some silly moment, and as much as TK loves that dog it feels kind of stale. By now he knows he’s stalling as he hesitates before clicking into the recorded messages app, closing it just as quickly. It was easy to tell himself last time that he was just trying to make sure TK didn’t lose whatever message he was trying to store. Now though, he is making a choice to dig into TK’s private world, somewhere that Carlos hasn’t had a place in for a long time.
The desire to hear TK’s voice again, and to confirm or deny that he is indeed losing what little grip on reality he has, wins out. He opens the app. What he sees nearly makes him drop the phone.
There is a single folder labeled with his name. The words For Carlos shining like a spotlight.
With a shaking finger he opens the folder and for a long moment just stares at the screen, not able to comprehend what he’s seeing. His thumb rests absently against the surface of the phone before he shifts it to scroll back through the saved messages. There seems to be a lot, and when he hits the end, he scrolls slowly back, counting as he goes, all the way up to nineteen.
The most recent one, the one he listened to earlier, is dated today, and suddenly he just has to know when TK started this. When he hits the end again, the date, October 26th, 2021, screams at him. That was only a week after TK left. Only two days after Carlos’ last failed attempt to contact him and communicate. Anger twists his stomach into knots thinking about how TK could somehow put into words a message for him, but he couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and send him a text.
His fingers curl around the phone, knuckles turning white as he bows his head and tries to take a few steadying breaths. It’s not working nearly as well as he’d like as all of the emotions he has long thought he worked through in the three months since the break up come roaring right back to the surface. Prominent among them is anger. Anger at TK for running away so easily. Anger at himself for trying to give someone everything he had. Anger at the fire that started the downward spiral of the most important relationship Carlos has ever had. Anger is easy to hold on to. Sure it burns bright and the pain is sharp, but it also drowns out the fear and uncertainty that has clung to him like a cloak since Nancy’s words that ‘it wasn’t good’.
The thing about the fire of anger is that it doesn’t last long and it leaves damage behind. As the heat of the anger burns away, the ambient noises of the ICU fill in the raw gaps left open. The squeak of a nurse's shoes as she strides purposefully towards a room, the screech of a heart monitor echoing as a door is opened, the stifled crying of a loved one as they sink into a chair down the hall. All of them serve as a reminder of why he is here and why he needs to listen to those messages; he needs to know before it’s too late. He needs the truth and if he can’t get it directly from the man himself, then the messages he’s left, clearly intended for Carlos, are going to have to suffice.
Carlos hesitates one last time as he decides which order to listen to the messages in. In the end he realizes they’ll probably make the most sense chronologically, even if his heart is screaming at him about reliving his worst nightmare. He has to shake off the thought that the break up was his worst nightmare until a few hours ago when he saw TK lying lifeless in his hospital bed, a shell of himself.
Opening the message dated for October 26th, and hitting the play button, TK’s voice echoes into the space of the ICU. With a jolt he pauses the recording. Suddenly aware that he doesn’t want anyone else to hear these. He wants, no needs, to keep TK’s private words and thoughts safely tucked away in his heart. It takes him a long minute to dig his headphones out of his bag and his foot is anxiously bouncing against the floor by the time he does. Needing to do something, to move, he stands up as he slips them in, only to be stopped short by the cord still connecting the phone to the wall. With a resigned sigh, he sinks back into the chair, shifting in an attempt to get more comfortable and shake off the strange feelings surfacing.
Scrolling to the beginning of the message again, TK’s voice suddenly washes over him.
“Hey Carlos, it’s TK.
Damn, this is weird. But my therapist keeps insisting that I can’t keep bottling everything up inside and since I hate writing, and you’ve seen my handwriting, well I guess this is the next best thing.
The words are hesitant, the joke obviously forced. Carlos cringes at the mention of the therapist that TK had stopped seeing sometime. His brain catches on that thought and he pauses the recording as he tries to remember exactly when TK stopped seeing his therapist. He remembers an offhand remark or two about it before the fire. He is sure that TK went at least a couple of times while they were living with Owen though. In fact he distinctly remembers TK asking him if he’d like to go with. Mentioning how it might help to talk about everything that happened.
Carlos had vehemently opposed the idea. He was fine. He didn’t need to talk about his feelings. It was great that it seemed to help TK, but it just wasn’t Carlos’ thing. Trying not to dwell on the what ifs of that situation he hits play again.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say though. We never really got that far since I kind of shot her down every time she’s tried to suggest this. Everything’s still kinda a mess in my head too honestly. I’ve started therapy again, which I guess you probably already realized. My dad insisted. He could tell I’m not really doing well. I’m slipping, the world is grey again.
Shit. His head falls into his hands as he hears confirmation of one of his worries during their break up.
Shit. No that’s not on you by the way. Crap I never want you to feel like you’re responsible for my decisions or feelings, because you’re not. They’re mine. But I’m not, well I’m not okay. Shit. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this. Any of this. You never did. I’m just gonna ….”
The message cuts out and he sits there for a long moment, head cradles in his palms, tears building behind his eyes. He blinks rapidly to clear them, desperate to keep a hold on his emotions for as long as possible. When he thinks he’s okay, he plays the message again. Listening to the way TK’s words waver, the tremor that is clear in his voice.
Something Carlos learned early on is that when TK gets talking, he has a way of just spitting out whatever words come to his brain first. Over time, Carlos had been able to pick out what words were most important by the inflection in TK’s voice. A pause before something that he was unsure of, a tremble when he was struggling to keep hold of his emotions, a quiet laugh that was more self-deprecating than actually happy.
He hears it all now.
A pause before telling Carlos the world is grey, and Carlos is wondering if TK was remembering the first time he told him that too.
The tremble in TK’s voice as he tells Carlos that he isn’t responsible for TK’s decisions or feelings. As if that would make Carlos feel even an inch better that TK was clearly suffering. In this moment he wishes he had tried harder, hadn’t given up as quickly, forced TK to stop and talk, done anything really besides let his pride and anger drive him to giving up.
Still the worst part of subtle undertones that make up TK Strand’s particular style of communication is the quiet laugh, more a breath of regret and self-loathing that he hears when TK tells him Carlos didn’t deserve ‘any of this’. That is the knife to his heart. Because he knows TK well enough to read between the lines. At that moment he was referring to himself. TK was fully convinced that he didn’t deserve Carlos and that he never had.
After listening to the message three times he lets the silence engulf him. It’s been a long time since he truly reflected on his own feelings from the beginning of their break up. Mostly he remembers believing that TK would come back, until he didn’t. When that realization hit, he let the anger overcome the hurt in order to cope with his truth that TK must not want to be with him. Over time anger burned those feelings into TK just simply not loving him.
He’s a little ashamed now to hear that TK was actively taking steps to better himself while Carlos really just pushed it all into a box and pretended there was nothing to fix. He wishes TK could see from his perspective how good that makes him, how beautiful it is to keep fighting even when it’d be easier to just give up.
The longer he sits on the uncomfortable hospital chair, the more all of his emotions are mixing into one big mess inside his head. He is still angry. He thinks he deserves that right. After all, TK could have called him, could have texted him, could have sent him that frickin’ message when he made it. Any of those options would have been better in Carlos’ mind than the continued radio silence that lasted for nearly three months.
He also feels guilty. After they yelled and TK walked out Carlos couldn’t understand what TK was so upset about. However, over time he begrudgingly came to admit, if only to himself, that making such a big decision on TK’s behalf wasn’t the best thing he’s ever done. If he is honest with himself, he was also way too proud to ever reach out to TK and say that to him.
As Carlos lifts his head and looks to the ceiling, stretching stiff muscles in his neck, all those emotions give way for grief. Grief for the relationship that they had both let go of. Grief for the pain that they had both suffered. Grief for the future that was more uncertain for them now than yesterday. His head thunks back against the wall behind him and he closes his eyes. TK’s voice still echoes in his ears, but suddenly he needs more.
He lifts the phone until he can see the screen and notes the date of the next message, October 28th. The familiar burn of anger returns that TK could have had so much to say to him then, but couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone and actually say it to him. There is nothing he can do now except hit play and hope to find some answers.
“I talked to Doctor Matterson. She told me that it’s okay to start smaller with these messages. That I don’t have to get into my emotions about what happened right away. That explaining them out loud isn’t necessarily important for this. We’re of course still working on that. But she said for this I should just talk without pressure.
Carlos scoffs, TK avoiding difficult situations is not necessarily anything new, but he had thought they were past the stage of their relationship where he was the difficult situation. Thought that was left somewhere in the ashes of their old house. Although, maybe it was really the stability of their relationship that burned that day.
So, hi. It’s Thursday.
Despite himself, he laughs, TK has never sounded this awkward before. Always so self assured, confident. Except he realizes with a start that’s not always true. The times TK opened up and really let himself be exposed there was always a hesitancy that seemed so uncharacteristic of TK.
Cap, Nancy and I are still working at Paragon. It’s nice to be able to stay together. Especially with the rest of the 126 split up and with them not having room for more paramedics. Plus the pay is still good.
God damn pay. He never cared about the money.
I’m going to keep living with dad for a while. Save some money. See if I can’t fix my mistakes before. — Ha I don’t know what I was going to say before. They’ve already cost me everything.
Anyways. I hope you’re doing well. Bye.
The familiar feeling of exasperation over TK’s single minded focus on what Carlos didn’t consider an issue. He wants to take TK’s shoulders and shake some sense into him. He wants the chance to tell him it was never about the money. He also wishes TK had given Carlos the chance to show him that his mistakes didn't have to cost him anything.
Now both their mistakes may have cost them the most important thing.
Time.
Without wasting any more time he hits play on the next message dated October 30th. Nothing plays for a long minute and he actually lifts his head from where it’s still resting against the wall to check and make sure the message is indeed playing. It is and it’s almost thirty seconds in with nothing yet. Almost convinced that this was an accidental recording he goes to fast forward just as TK’s voice starts.
Hey Carlos. So I don’t really have anything to tell you. I’m on the tail-end of my forty-eight hours off before we start a twenty-four hour shift tomorrow.
The soft, breathy quality of TK’s voice betrays his exhaustion even through a message and Carlos would swear that TK was just coming off of a forty-eight hour not the other way around. Carlos hasn’t slept well since the break up himself. He’s just about gotten used to the way his bed still feels too big and how there are too many pillows for one person. He’ll never get used to the way the mattress, just this side too soft for Carlos' own preferences, engulfs him every time he lays down. He’d bought it on a whim, needing something to sleep on, believing that TK would come back, and remembering the way his lovingly, annoyable boyfriend complained about how hard Carlos’ old firm mattress was.
Lost in his thoughts he misses most of the message until his brain picks up on the change in tone, so much self-loathing coating every word.
I don’t really know. But I think you deserve that at least. I think I'm just too scared to have you confirm that it's over, that you're done dealing with my bullshit. Anyways.
He sits for a full minute before realizing that he’s reached the end of the message. Wondering what he missed, because certainly that can’t be all TK had to say, he hits play again. Waiting through the deafening silence for TK’s voice.
Hey Carlos. So I don’t really have anything to tell you. I’m on the tail-end of my forty-eight hours off before we start a twenty-four hour shift tomorrow. I’m lonely. It’s weird there are still three of us at dad’s house, but Mateo’s been working longer hours. Dad’s been busy trying to save the 126 and even when he’s here, he isn’t really here. He makes an effort for me, but I can tell he is struggling.
Anyway, all that to say that I really just miss you.
I almost called you yesterday, until I realized I had no idea what I’d say. And I’m also not sure I’m ready for your anger. Justified or not. I really wish I was brave enough, because I think I’ve finally realized that I’m not really angry about the loft and that I could probably talk instead of running. Maybe…. I don’t really know. But I think you deserve that at least. I think I'm just too scared to have you confirm that it's over, that you're done dealing with my bullshit. Anyways.
The silence at the end catches him off guard again. There are too many thoughts floating through his head from what TK says for him to pick one to focus on. It’s a cycle through thoughts about Owen being an absentee parent, again, TK being lonely, but refusing to reach out, and fear being the root of a lot of their problems.
As he’s mulling over that thought he spots the nurse from earlier making her way over to him. He pulls out his headphones and stands just as she reaches him.
“The doctor is done with tests for now if you’d like to go sit with him.”
He wrings his hands around TK’s phone, “Yes- yes, I’d like that.” Somehow he manages to get the words out and the nurse smiles softly at him before placing a gentle hand on his elbow to guide him into TK’s room. The sight that greets him almost brings him to his knees. Despite having caught a few glimpses of TK across the hall before, being up close is a different experience entirely.
The ventilator is the dominating feature of the room, taking up physical space and creating an echoing sound that drowns out everything else. “I’ll be back to check on him in a bit.” The nurse says from somewhere over his shoulder as he remains motionless just inside the doorway. It takes several agonizing moments before he has control of himself enough to make it to one of the chairs positioned next to TK’s bedside. Sinking into the uncomfortable seat just far enough away to be considered ‘distant’, he takes in TK’s features. His face is slack, skin a sunken, sallow, colorless mask.
The urge to touch runs along his arm to his fingertips and his hand briefly lifts before dropping heavily with the knowledge that he doesn’t have the right to touch without asking anymore. It hurts his heart, knowing how tactile a person TK is, and how much comfort touch usually brings him, but he can’t break that last barrier of trust that exists. Instead he settles back into the chair, leaning away slightly from TK and pulling out his headphones again. The app is still open when he taps the screen awake and his finger hovers over the next message for a long moment. When he finally is able to press the button again he wishes he hadn’t.
Hey babe … shit. Let me just …. *background noises, buttons being pressed rustling … *
Hey Carlos.
Carlos can’t slam the pause button fast enough as he shoots out of his chair and moves to pace along the wall as far away from the body in the bed as he can. Hearing the accidental slip up of TK’s voice calling him the well worn nickname that Carlos secretly loved is too much to bear as the man he loves lies nearly lifeless in his hospital bed. Because yes, Carlos still loves TK, just as much as the day he walked away and listening to this message here and now feels a little too much like an omen that he’ll never hear the real thing again. It feels like all he’ll ever have are these recorded words and the sound of TK’s voice, slightly distorted floating into his ears.
It is a reminder that there is a real possibility that he will never hear that voice, light with teasing, whispering in his ear. Or that voice muffled with sleep as they wake up together and greet another day as the team they always said they were. Or that voice thick with emotion as TK tells him how much he loves him, because TK took every opportunity to make sure he knew his love. Hell he’d even take that voice yelling in anger again if it meant TK standing whole and alive in front of him. It’s all too much and he can’t even look at TK as he rushes out of the room nearly bowling Nancy over as she enters.
“Whoa bud, everything okay?” Nancy stops him with her hands on his shoulders as she peeks around him to take in TK’s form on the bed. When she focuses her gaze back on him he’s been able to school his features back into what he thinks resembles a controlled mask of professionalism. Feeling tucked away, hidden in the deepest parts of himself. Nancy tilts her head as she takes him in, “give me a second with him.” She gestures behind him and he takes advantage of her letting go of his shoulder to step out of the embrace. A small nod in acknowledgement of her words is all he can offer her and without the slightest glance back into the room he slides past.
He’s back on the same chair as before, knee bouncing frantically when Captain Vega enters the ICU. Her gaze is drawn first to the room that TK’s in, but she quickly turns towards him and makes her way over. It’s like a shock to his system as he stands, awkwardly accepting the hug she offers. No words are exchanged, as they settled back into their seats. Nancy joins them a minute later, hand immediately resting on his thigh as she settles on his side opposite Captain Vega.
“Has the doctor been by with an update?”
There’s a moment’s pause before Carlos realizes with a start that the question was directed at him. If asked he couldn’t even say who it came from, so he glances up, and then back and forth.
“No,” he offers quietly.
No more questions are asked. They just sit there silently, shifting every few moments, flexing arms, stretching legs, occasionally giving touches of support, comfort. He barely registers any of it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his mother’s voice screams at him for abandoning his manners. He should ask them something. Provide them comfort. These are two of the most important people in TK’s life. Two people that he knows highly regard TK, call him their friend, and here he is just an ex, without a claim in the world to the man dying in that bed and he can’t pull himself out of it long enough to say or do anything at all.
Thankfully they’re not kept waiting long before a doctor is approaching them. Carlos watches her approach and holds his breath. He’s good at reading people, has to be for his job, and all he sees now is regret and compassion. This is a person ready to give condolences that he doesn’t want to hear.
#ali writes#secret messages#tarlos break up era fic#tarlos#tarlos fanfic#tk strand#carlos reyes#3x03#canon level medical angst#911 lone star#911 ls fic
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Its Monday again. I had a great birthday weekend. We watched... pepsi,where's my jet?On Netflix I recommend it. Then we watched love on the spectrum and down for love. I wait months to watch the new seasons. My Chloe and Emily. My Chloe went back home. As much as I'm so happy to see her. I was so sad when she left. The loneliness. The tears. I don't cry much when I do. Its jus painful. I miss her so much. I have to tend to my merlin and peaches. I jus can't pick up and go anymore. They jus can't pick up and leave they have responsibilities. It takes months before I see her again. I crave championship. I tried online dating. But I don't think I want that kind of a relationship. I jus want my kids back. Its been years. I'm still not over it. Why do I have to be the one. That will never get over the empty nest syndrome. They say you get over it or you don't. I didn't probably never will. My Chloe is my soulmate. Soulmates come in many different ways animals kids mothers dads aunts uncles friends... not only man and woman relationships. But all kinds. Chloe was my champion from the time she was born. I loved her with everything I had. We went everywhere together up until she was 24. She never slept out. She was always home. I never never never had a problem with her. What a great kid. I feel like the universe tortures me. I have no idea what I did to deserve this continued pain. Of her growing up moving on. She jus moved to far. I don't know how to spend jus a day with her. Has to be days. Its so hard to let her go. I watch the Simmons3. Bout a mother lost her 3 kids in a drunk driver accident. I want to tell that woman. Not only does she help keep drunk drivers off the street. But she helps me feel better. Its sad I know. But the empty nest syndrome. You grieve like they are gone. You grieve... you jus don't cry you grieve. The first couple years I cried everywhere everyday. I tried to tell myself I still have my kids. They are alive and well doing what I instilled in them growing up. Independent women. My cats do every thing they can. We are here for you momma. Please don't cry. They take the pieces put me back together. They know when I'm sinking. They stick to me like glue. My job is starting to suck now too. We use to be able to take the hours...if we finished up early. But now that ended. I pile up my targets looks like I'm working 10 hours. Jus for my boss to come in say can you handle that? I say yes because I'm doing in it 4. Only to take work from me. Because she doesn't think I can handle it. But I'm not really working it. That fucking easter cart been out set up for months now. Don't adjust the time on it jus act like its not out. We have to make it up somehow. Considering the wear and tear on our cars and phones. But I still like my job. Gift card resets are coming up again. The managers love me because I jus throw them out. Everyone I work with is a joy. Molly is a joy. We try to get together so if I have a job. Thats insane I call Molly. 5 hours of awesome. We talk laugh. I keep telling her she's to good for this. She incredibly smart. The girl is gifted. She's jus this little thing talks me down when I start to loose it. The gift cards are a nightmare. I start my shit. She knows how to deal with me. We are soulmates. She sees the little things I see the big picture. We both suffer depression its like therapy to us. Start my day now. Thanks for listening. I tell ya one thing bout Tumblr. Even though we don't talk. No matter how far I go no matter how long im gone. You know who you are. You never leave me. Thanks for the devotion it truly means alot to me oxoxox.
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I've got an hour and a half left of the year so let's be introspective - 2023 was pretty fucking garbage, and that's saying a lot after the mess of last year
It was the first time in 8 years that I struggled with active thoughts of suicide again
I really wanted things to get easier this year after the shit that went down last year - the sudden death of my mother-in-law, being absolutely dragged through the mud by my Covid infection, and a colossal mess with work when my boss developed Long Covid and ended up taking 5 months off of work. I thought that, given time, the grief would become easier to manage, and the work stress would ease up when my boss returned to work in January, and my health would be manageable
The larger cracks started forming in around April, and in July I started seeing a psychologist again. The decline got worse around August, and by late October it was... well. It was that.
The grief never got easier. I'm still waiting for it to be something bearable, but I think the fact that she died of a very traumatic heart attack and - for those who have been paying attention to my posts - I run a practice for a cardiologist means that I have to go into work every day and look into the faces of people who don't want to take medication for their hearts, and who don't want surgery for their hearts, and I want to shake them and tell them that they're resigning their families to unbelievable trauma and heartache that is literally preventable... it's not the same job as it was eighteen months ago
Add on to that the fact that our receptionist got more and more aggressive towards our preventative health measures as time wore on to protect the doctor and enable him to keep working with Long Covid and literally keep us employed, resulting in massive outbursts from her in October and November that I had to just sit and take because I had to be the professional even while she was lashing out and treating me like shit
It's been hard. It's been really hard. Last year was garbage but god this year was bleak
I tried getting back into fandom this year after the start of the pandemic just killed my spirit dead in the water, and it's been miserable. 2020 was only 3 years ago, but the difference in 3 years feels so so stark. The bleak silence in response to "content" instead of community like I used to see and partake in is so demoralising and so humiliating. I write because I have stories I want to share, but who am I sharing them with? I don't know! The numbers tick very slowly up, so SOMEONE is reading, but I don't know them from a bar of soap. I've tried joining conversations in a couple of fandoms on tumblr and it all fizzles out to nothing. Everyone and everything is on discord these days, and I'm just not interested in that for fandom
No prophesying for 2024, but the receptionist quit on the last business day of the year, so I never have to see her again. I'm terrified that the doctor will decide we don't need to replace her and will expect me to be his receptionist and nurse and secretary and practice manager and hospital bookings manager all in one... without the pay rise to match, and without the acknowledgement that I absolutely cannot do all of that by myself without help. I'm glad the bitch is gone but I'm so miserable thinking about the coming years work. My doctor wants to do more mental health stuff including eating disorder stuff and it's exhausting still trying to get that under control when I'm nearly 40
I don't even know what the point of this post was. It's not a happy one. Maybe it's good to spew it all out here with the intention of leaving it in the past
I just don't know what the future holds. I don't know what to hope for anymore. I just want this year to be over though
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writeblr intro!! finally!!
hello lovely people of the tumblr writing community <3 i'm marina (she/her) and i've had this blog for about a month now but so far Life and all its Obligations prevented me from making a proper intro post - here it finally is now, for everyone who'd like to get to know me and my projects a bit!
me as a person
i'm marina but you can also call me any nick name version of that and also any and all terms of endearment (can you tell i'm a libra). i'm 27, from austria, and speak german and english (pretty well), french (badly) and know how to order bread in korean (essential skill)
my interests include: philosophy, linguistics, horses, music, musicals, the city of paris, and also formula 1. yes i know this is random what can i say
i'm a full-time student and part-time capitalism worker-bee so depending on my schedule i might disappear for a bit, but i intend to always come back here to get inspired and get some work done! which leads me to...
me as a writer
i love coming up with new ideas and projects!! getting started is so much fun!! finishing things on the other hand!! is so hard!! send help!!
my fave genres (to read and to write): fantasy, sci-fi, works and words inspired by folklore and mythology - but really i like anything with compelling characters!
random things i love in writing: vampires (one day i'll write the Great Big Austrian Vampire Novella. alas, not today), characters that haunt the narrative, guilt and grief and healing from both, characters that make all the wrong choices, couples that have fun with each other, cryptic prophecies, sibling relationships, symbolic flowers
PLEASE COME TALK TO ME ABOUT WRITING!! i would really like to become part of a community here, so always feel free to come talk to me about your wips, my wips, the blorbo that lives in your head rent-free, the latest book you've read and loved... whatever you want to share i'd love to hear <3 you can also always tag me in games and challenges, but it might take me a bit to get to it, depending on how much real life hates me atm
my children: works in (never-ending) progress
i'm gonna make proper intro posts for all these projects soon, but to give you some idea of what i get up to, here are some short descriptions! some of these wips have been with me for a couple years, others are more recent, but they all haunt my every waking moment <;3
The Price of Wishing (first draft complete): good old sci-fi dystopian flair; a society that got rid of poverty by creating so called Houses of Service - institutions that will sell out their workers to the highest bidder for anything that people are willing to pay for. but it's not quite as simple as that: politics, organised crime, and a revenge plot years in the making all intersect at Isra's House of Service, and its inhabitants must learn to navigate these worlds - or they'll go down trying.
Forget Me (Not) (first draft about half-way done): wouldn't it be great to purge some of the mistakes we made from memory, not just our own but that of everyone? in a world in which the Chip implanted in everyone's neck records everything seen and experienced, this - collective forgetting - is the price celebrity contestants get to compete for in a reality tv show. each contestant has something they need the world to forget, but who can convince the viewers the most? the central theme of this story is grief, and when to hold on, and when to let go.
Attempts at Life (still in the outline stage): finn day and her brother felix know how their lives will play out: they were born in the lowest class society has to offer, and there they will stay. which is an unusual position for people like them to be in: both their souls were reborn for the fifth (and last) time; for them to have been assigned to this shitty life, they must have done something heinous in their previous one. finn is resigned to accept this punishment for a crime she can't even remember, but that's before the government offers her a position - she finds out things that change her view of society and herself forever, and she'll have to decide which one to save.
Untitled Fantasy (literally only thought of this last week): something something a necromancer brings back the hero of the ancient world to stop Something Bad from happening. only problem is - the hero does not remember ever being a hero. or anything at all, really. the rest of the world remembers, though. i'd love for this story to include some traditional austrian folklore elements! those are fun
so that's it! last but not least: if you've read this far, thank you so much omg you're my personal hero. i'm following a bunch of people already since i've been lurking for a couple weeks, but i'm always looking for new writers to get to know and support so pls interact with this post or shoot me a message and i'll check you out and follow you! and if you have any questions, or answers, or just wanna talk i'm very excited to get to know you all <3
#writeblr#writeblr intro#writers on tumblr#writing community#wip intro#writbr#im excited to get to meet you all!!#lets be friends who bond over being slightly too intense about fictional characters and worlds pls
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Hannji Rambles / Another Life Update
hiiii Pookies!!
Hope everyone is doing well and taking care of themselves!!!
I'm just popping in with a quick life update (cause apparently I'm having a lot of those lately) to kind of let everyone know what's been going on lately.
I know I said a couple weeks ago that I was ready to come back to tumblr and begin posting again, and I am, however, there's been a bit of a change of plans in regards to me starting up my writing/posting fics again.
Because I have been put on a temporary stress leave by my family doctor for the next couple weeks, I'm trying to reduce the amount of stress/triggers in my life until my next appointment, where I will be reassessed to determine if I'm fit to go back to work or not. I want to continue writing and posting because writing has always been a strong outlet for me to relieve stress and clear my brain when the noise gets too much, however, I need to make changes to what I will posting in order to help keep my stress levels under control.
SO,
that being said, I will be posting the remaining few parts/chapters of Like A Volcano (for all my Hannie stans out there who are ever so patiently waiting), BUT at this time, I will not be writing/posting a Jisung POV for this fic. I wanted to, and I was super excited to write a part in his pov, but I've been struggling with writing it for the last few months and it's really put a damper on my already not-so-good mental state. Maybe in the future, I will upload a snippet, but since the idea of creating a Jisung POV for LAV is causing more stress than it's worth, it will be put on the backburner for the time being. I AM SORRY FOR THOSE WHO WERE WANTING IT I JUST CANNOT WORK WITH IT RN!
However, the last few parts will be edited/revised and posted in the coming week-ish so I can finally put that fic to rest and start up The Blackened Heart again bc I am so so excited to start writing that again!
In addition to the Jisung POV being scraped (for the time being), I am also putting a halt on the LAV spinoffs I had in the works (Connected, which is the Chan x Jo spin off, and Waiting For Us, which is the Minho x Ash spin off) simply because both of them are causing more tension and stress than necessary.. I don't like it when writing feels like it's becoming a chore, I'd rather write stuff that I'm excited to write and post, and that entire AU series has quickly become the opposite of what I want to do... I will be coming back to them eventually, but as of right now, I need to do what I can to alleviate the amount of distress in my life, and that means putting LAV/Connected/WFU on hold.
I am happy to say I will be continuing my commission for the lovely @bethanysnow that I've been slowly working on while I get back into the swing of things, ((beth baby i am so sorry its taking so long im just really struggling right now so please bear with me :( )) and I'm of course still writing drabbles, fake!text posts, and my OT8 "The L Word" series.
Thank you all for the never-ending support and love I'm still receiving from a lot of you despite my inactiveness. Just know I read every single one of your comments, reblogs, and things that you all tag me in. I am still very much here in spirit, just slowly working my way back up to being a fully functional human being
In the meantime, as some of you may already know, I am starting a small business where I make beaded keychains, rings, lanyards, bracelets and more. Beading has very quickly become a safe haven for me and its very therapeutic to just sit for hours watching tv and making stuff to eventually sell. I am starting up an instagram account specifically for this business called Hannji's Creations, so if you're interested in what I'm making and such, feel free to give me a follow over there. I'm making a lot of SKZ themed stuff, however, I'm also opening up ideas for other kpop groups and other styled collections in general.
Thank you again to everyone who has stuck around and checked in on me these last few months. I know life can be tough sometimes, and lately I'm having a hard time getting back up somedays, but you guys all make it more bearable, so thank you. thank you for your continuous understanding and unconditional love..
You guys are awesome!
can't wait to show you all what's in store!!
Much Love,
Hannji <3
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GUYS GUESS WHO'S BACK... 'YAY'
so uh idk why i come back on tumblr every couple months and make posts like this but i've basically ruined my account at this point haha perfectionist issues and i'm going to try to be honest with everyone of you guys because. idek at this point
i don't know how everyone's opinion of me is at this point, and it feels like i'm ruining it. i don't know if this is me now, if i kind of put up a front before, but why these posts seem different than the others on my blog is a mystery to me ^^'
maybe i'm just overthinking it, though?
well, my life is pretty shit. i don't really have any friends, except for a couple close ones who can somehow deal with me-- and, yeah. people at my school don't really like me, and i've fucked up a lot recently. this post sounds really depressing. sorry for that.
i don't know, i guess prior to the whole incident (moots, yk what i'm talking about) i always tried to put up a cheerful front. i had an idealized version of myself, and that was koi. and i did act like myself a lot around you guys, because i became comfortable with all of you and i felt accepted. i'm really grateful for what you all have done for me.
so, more about what's going on- basically, i'm just... not happy with myself, i guess. i wish i had more friends.
you know, my goal in life at one point was to be friends with everyone in my grade. that was more than a year ago. i guess that whole hope pretty much died out. but i do still try my very best, and this is turning into a ramble which i'm sorry for but i just want to get everything off of my chest.
i'll probably never use tumblr regularly again- but, who knows, shit changes.
the incident really affected me. after i was told about everything and learned about all of what happened, i was just... i don't know. i was told that it was that day that i began to eat less, act angrier, and all of that shit- and that went on for a couple weeks.
eventually, i tried to forget about it. i still think about every once in a while, though.
well, i'm starting to sound like a pessimist. i miss when i could be koi, the friendly, cheerful, happy person who had a bunch of friends that worried about him and asked if he was feeling okay.
i don't even know what's going on anymore. i feel fine, and then i go through short spikes of depression. or maybe i'm just a person that's sad all the time, but i choose to be ignorant. i'm really sorry that whoever reads this has to hear me vent and all that shit, but i'm just glad that i can say all of my feelings in the hopes that someone will read this.
so, let's talk about what's been going on since i've left- since i really feel like i should add some filler because of my long absensce '- -
well, i got a suit that kind of reminded me of haruchiyo sanzu from tokyo revengers (haha weeb things) and i look pretty hot in it, ngl- and, my family moved back to our house, which got remodeled. i've done a lot of drawing, too.
and, for context of the tokyo revengers comment earlier- i've been hyperfixating on it for so long. i love the series and the characters aaa
also, i started bakuman and black butler, and they're pretty good! i love the plot of bakuman so much!! (the death note team always makes amazing manga) i also got the first book of haikyuu from the library, because i've seen it referenced online so much and i haven't taken the time to check it out yet.
whew. i don't know, i guess saying all this makes me sound more human than just pixels on a screen. (but i'm actually 3 ducks in a trenchcoat) (i'm not funny)
i've had a lot of homework, so i've been pretty busy.
and i have to go eat dinner now, so i'll be leaving- but again, thank you guys for being my friends for so long. and, why are people still following me when my blog is inactive like- ????
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{ ooc } Right... this has been weighing heavily on the brain for a bit there, but part of me is wondering whether it's time I retire from the Bleach RPC on Tumblr. Bunny was of the same opinion just recently and is thinking of archiving her blog, and since the thought crossed her mind, it's honestly been something I've thought about a lot for myself as of late. I'm of the opinion that if it's not something I felt strongly about, I'd have let it go already, but... I'unno, here we are over a week in, I guess.
Case in point, it's gotten harder with time for me to keep Kōtarō and Shigeru's muses going, and these two were my flagship Bleach muses for as long as I can remember! Between reinventions and hiatuses—going as far back as high school and, of all things, deviantART—they were my longest-running OCs online and for quite some time, so naturally I'll always feel attached to them in some capacity. But lately though, it... kinda feels like they've run their course on here? There's no one reason for it, but there's certainly a few I can think about, including but not limited to the following...
I've already gotten to tell all the stories I could tell, and it doesn't feel like I'll get to expand on these that much further, or even tell new ones I've always wanted to for reasons I'm about to get into – which, ultimately, sucks monkey butt for me
Friends come and go, yes, but at least personally, I've seen more people leave than stick around even in spite of the anime's revival; plus, not everyone I actively wrote with is as active as they were (that's no one's fault, really - life's just like that, and I won't bemoan others for being busy or wanting to spread their wings elsewhere)
Something always seems to break out on the dash every couple of months or so, that ends up fracturing the community and splits my friend groups down further, which just sucks the joy out of writing on here all the more
As a result, that leaves only a select few (and I mean few) who're still keen on writing things at length with my boys, and making communication with other writers—even longtime mutuals—a bit more nerve-wracking to initiate
Thus, dwindling muses and waning interest in continuing to immerse myself in the Bleach RPC on Tumblr, which is outweighed by how much fun and easier it is for me to write on the Fire Emblem side of things, where I don't feel anywhere near this level of dread or hesitation
So... yeah, I don't know what this will mean for the immediate future. Maybe I wrote this out for a pity party or simply wanted to vent, or I'll make the Bleach boys request-only, or I remove them outright (with... no other recourse for them anywhere else, which, again, sucks) and commit to other RPCs... or I just take a break for myself and refresh/reboot asks and threads for Kō and Shigs, and then see what happens?
#{ ☁️ winds at rest beyond the sky ☁️ ooc ☁️ }#{ ooc: just... word-spaghetti here and needed to let out some thoughts I've had for longer than a hot minute- }#{ this is really only about the Bleach side of things - Forwin and co. on Fire Emblem are still golden }#{ but yeah just... it feels like I hit a wall somewhere and can't get around it- }#{ and now I'm unsure as to whether I /want/ to get around it- }#{ AND I FEEL BAD BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR SO LONG ALREADY BUT STILL- }#{ i dunno has anyone else felt like this lately or is it just me-??? }
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CalmWriMo 2023 Wrap Up!
It is done! It has been done for like four days! IT IS DONE!
I have taken part in @winterandwords' CalmWriMo, here's my goals and how I did!
At the start of November, I sat on 81450 Words for my project To Put On An Act. My current word count is 111793 Words!!!!! WHAAAAT!!!!!! It's safe to say that I reached my writing goal! But what else did I do?
Get to Chapter 16 OR write 30k words - safe to say that I reached both of these goals! I'm currently working on Chapter 18, and I've written 30343 words. Yippie!
Plan later chapters post breakup - eh. I collected some ideas and have a rough plan but there's still some proper outlining missing. I do have a little bit of a better picture now though!
Post progess more frequently - This worked semi well? I would've loved to post more logs to be honest but. Oh well. I did post a couple logs though, and I want to try to make this a habit, maybe to at least yell on here once a week (if I do happen to write that week of course).
Make some Moodboards - I did that! I've not posted them here yet but I did make some little moodboards for a bunch of the characters :)
Make an intro post for this account - did that as well! Yippiee!
Plan for another mysterious project - heheheheheheeheheheh >;)
Now the other, just as important part of CalmWriMo, the Calm. I was not as calm as I should've been. Let's see. What's the goals.
Get more sleep - ahahah. uuh. ahhahehheah. hm. well. let's move on.
Be less anxious/worried about What The World Thinks Of Me - hm. Well. Well? I mean I guess. I think it's fine. I still think every single person in the world is better than me but it's okayyyy I'm alive what more do I want.
KILLING THE CRINGE - happy to report that the cringe dies again every day
Read More - OOOOHHHH LOOK SOMETHING I DID!!! Listened to my audiobook in the beginning of November, however, I did not finish it. Oh well! Instead I did some reading of fellow writers on Wattpad. Some of these really are the most written stories of all time, but there are some real gems hidden in there that I can learn from. Also great for networking [wink]
Less Stress about posting - no stress at all I Am So Calm. I actually caught up to my posting schedule! I took it slow and posted every two weeks to give myself some time, and now I can go back to my regular weekly schedule! I think it's fine. i think I'm fine. I can post when I want and do what I want.
ALL IN ALL! THIS WAS GREAT!!! THIS WAS GENUINELY SO GREAT!!!! I'm really proud of myself and what I did this past month, I got a lot done, I feel motivated, I feel excited! I can't believe I've already hit over 100k words, and at this point I have no idea when this will end, but I'm just really excited to see what the future will hold for TPOAA.
Having a goal for the month really did help me to get a gentle kick in the ass and to sit down and write. I was writing an average of 2k words a day and I hope to kind of keep that even if I don't have a goal set for the month.
If it wasn't for my incredibly draining job, I probably would've been able to hit an even higher word goal, but I genuinely think this was the best I could do and I'm so genuinely proud of myself. Maybe next year I'll aim even higher? Who knows!
Great job to everyone else who took part in CalmWriMo/NaNoWriMo, no matter if you hit your goal, you did great and I'm so proud of you and I kiss you btw. Also thank you winter tumblr dot com for coming up with this idea and making my first steps into the world of November writing challenges a little easier!
remember that Alex and Youngbin love u all <3
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Some artist I’ve known make free art request first then they plan to open a commission. How about doing that? But whatever makes you happy of course! :)
Highlighted update at the bottom!!!
Hmm I thought about it Anony and I'm thinking I can do some loose sketches for some of you Anonies! :3
Now by loose sketches I mean like the following:
I don't want to overwork myself so I'm thinking like 2 to 3 Sketches a month. October will be off limits though since that is Inktober UuU
Anyone is free to ask!
Now some rules
I will not draw:
Adult Content (straight up porn? Nope) or heavy Graphic Content of any kind (person being straight up mutilated? Nah fam).
Landscapes
complicated backgrounds
Mecha
no more than 2 characters
Or anything that makes me uncomfortable or anything that cannot be shown on Tumblr.
It is my art, it is my time and I have every right to say no so please respect that Anonies 💜💜
I can draw:
Anthropomorphizing Creatures
Monsters/ Horror
Couples/Romance
Your OCs! 🙏🙏
Fanart
mild adult spice~ make outs~ a character sitting on another's lap~ tasteful nudes (lmao)~ cuddles~ light gore (some blood, an open wound or 2, implied murder sure)
However if you're gonna ask for said spicer pieces, you gotta be out of anonymous. If you're a minor asking for lewds, I strongly advise you to respectfully look elsewhere or much better yet not ask at all. I get that not everything here is spicy/R18 but irregardless it can. It can hurt folks, you, and the artist. so yeah, no lewds for you so shoo please kiddos. Your time will come UuU
Once the art piece is done, it's done. So revisions are a no no. I will be putting "DMS" on the piece as well.
Nothing is set in stone Anonies, so I could very well stop doing these altogether if I feel overwhelmed, too overworked, or just plain out don't feel motivated anymore. Just know that I will try my best to make everyone satisfied!
I also will be setting (back) up my Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/donnelliasimpson if y'all feeling extra generous or wanna request a commission. If Kofi isn't y'all thing maybe turning on “tips” here on Tumblr is better? I also have a cash app account (I usually use this anyhow tbh) and a Paypal if that's more comfortable for folks, Idk still VERY new to this whole commission thing ^^;;
Listen up Anonies, you do NOT have to give me any money especially if you're going through hard times. I'd like to earn my money anyhow but tipping doesn't hurt my pride that much :)
Sorry for taking so long to answer btw had some tech and self esteem issues RIP also gonna try to figure out how to Pin this or would using #request for anony would be ok? Let me know what y’all think because ya girl would appreciate any and all advice lol
Update:
Hey Anonies! If anyone wants a digi sketch y'all are free to ask as well! Might take longer than the traditional sketches however! But if ya want your piece digital just specify Anonies!
#dms speaks#thanks anony 💜#dms shares#art requests#dms doodles#dms art#request for anony 💜#keeping it pg#dms is nervous#pink anony#dms answers!#your boyfriend#yb fanart#yb fandom#your boyfriend fanart#your boyfriend game#yb game
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