i wish the ppl posting CSP brushes in the assets store would give more demonstration of how the brush actually works in practice rather than here is what a stroke looks like on a white background and here is a fully rendered and finished piece that i used this brush in somewhere

like....how did you use it to accomplish what you did? whats the point of giving us a tool with no instructions on using it? am i just needy???? are we just supposed to pick up on it? are we just supposed to futz around with it and hopefully produce something we like despite probably never figuring out how to use it as the original creator intended??? is that how art is?

I walk through the hallway. The sound of boots on the carpet echoing across. Its strange how even such a soft sound will still find its way back to you if there's nothing in between.

One foot after the other. I relax, the sound of something familiar ringing through my head, even if nobody else could hear it. I look around at the piss colored wallpaper. Still no sign of life other than myself. I start to hum without even realizing.

After hearing about the realm for the first time, i could scarcely believe it. In a way this was a sort of heaven to me. A world between worlds where you can only reach by clipping through reality. After a little bit of trial and error i made it here, and after a little bit more trial and error i can get out just as easily…

No natural resources, no sign of life, no variance, no sense of place… actually scratch that, there is a sense of place. Its a place so omnipresent that going from room to room feels like you are always traveling yet standing still at the same time. Whenever i see those talking about it, not knowing it truly exists, they call it hell. Which confuses me. Is it the stranding part that scares them? Perhaps its the threat of starvation. Or maybe its simply the idea that there actually is something here, a native entity that can live forever without eating, yet would be interested in eating whatever random scraps that accidentally find their way in… instead of simple pests more interested in the wallpaper.

Never mind that, I'm here to relax. I begin to walk again…

Footsteps start to fill the halls, yet nobody is there. The air was chilly, yet there wasn't anyone to feel them. There was the sound of slow, regular breathing. No music played in these halls. Only the slow dry hum of fluorescent lights above. Perfection.

…

Who knows how long things were like this. An alarm beeps on someones arm. It was a familiar sound... something is supposed to happen when it plays.

I blink, soon looking at my watch. Ah damn, already? I open up my book and recite the spell, the piss yellow walls replaced with the covers of my bed as I open my eyes. The sound of laughs and chaos going on in the next room.

I steel myself, taking a deep breath as the anxieties start to come back. Am i going to be productive enough today? Do i smell bad? Whats the script I'm gonna have to make up when i talk to people? Is there something wrong with me that other people see but i cant?

I wait for a moment where things sound like they are finally quiet, and it feels like I'm finally given permission to get out of bed by my own body. Perhaps the reason they think a place like that is hell is the reason i keep coming back to it so often… there's nobody there to remind me that i exist.

A2 or C2 would be delightful! You do such sweet Morphienne smut.

2. lucienne’s breeding kink

ohhh thank you!!!! 🥺🥺🥺🥺

these ones Do Not Work To Be Combined so if someone else requests C2 i will do that one. also this one is not sweet at all it's just nasty raunchy horny god bless!!

prompt list here

As much as Lucienne loves to move things slow, to make sweet love to her lord, there are days when all she really wants is to be fucked hard.

It is a long, long time before she convinces Lord Morpheus that, yes, she wants it from him, she wants him covering her and surrounding her and inside her and filling her—wants to feel him the next day—and it takes even longer to convince him that part of the appeal is him cutting loose, too.

It is a long series of trial and error before they get to the point where he can see her, know what she wants, decide whether or not it's something he's up for, and give it to her, and enjoy himself.

Lucienne lies on her front, prone and bare and resplendent on luxurious sheets. When she gets like this she feels hot, so hot, so frantic, aching for him, and he knows it, and he walks in and he sees her and he decides he needs it too.

Lord Morpheus crawls up behind her, kisses from her calves up to her thighs, quick, frantic, big fine hands massaging her arse, kneading the flesh, parting her cheeks to lick her, lick into her, and finding her so wet for him, fighting not to grind back on his face, and he groans. 

He drapes himself over her back, cool and smooth and sleek skin, his thighs caging hers, his feet hooking around her calves to spread her legs, breath hot on her neck. He pins her with his body, mounts her thoroughly, reaches one hand down to guide himself into her cunt with a throaty, animalistic moan. Her lord cants his hips down, drives himself deep inside her, a little too quickly, like he can’t help it, just the way she likes it, and his other hand wraps around her throat and doesn't squeeze, just holds.

Lucienne feels held, feels surrounded, feels pinned in place as he begins to rock, trying to let her adjust, but unable to resist the heat and the tightness of her body.  With a groan Lord Morpheus begins to fuck her, fuck her so deep, his hips driving down mercilessly and his breath ragged in her ear and his hand tightening on her throat, coming close to cutting off the stream of sing-song whimpers spilling from her mouth.  Her hands clench in the sheets when they would so like to score down his back as each snapping thrust feels like it’s touching something in her soul.

Lord Morpheus bites her shoulder and growls his ecstasy and stills as he comes deep inside her, Lucienne wails as she feels him pulse and throb, ready to beg him to start moving again and then gasps when he does. He, still coming, still shuddering and spurting, fucks his seed into her, the glide slick and easy and making him pant open-mouthed against her skin like a beast. 

Lucienne is helpless beneath him as he ruts without regard for anything but the way her cunt feels around his cock.

She comes so hard her vision fizzes gray and her legs fight his own only to be pinned down, forced still.  She wails, her body rolling, and Lord Morpheus fucks her into the mattress, wringing her of ecstasy without meaning to, blind to anything but base sensory input in his primal thrall.  He groans and gasps, oversensitized and tormented by the clenching of her body around him, his fingers digging into her jaw to lift her head and arch her neck so he can lick her, scent her, bite and kiss behind one pointy ear.

Lucienne is unable to do anything but lie there and take it, letting herself be reduced to the strain in her neck, the slap of his sharp hips against her arse, his tongue burning and cooling on her skin, her voice rising higher and breathier, his hand sliding up to her open panting mouth and hooking his fingers inside, resting on her tongue. Her mouth closes on those fingers, sucks them, bites down, stars again igniting inside of her and claiming her, racking her, scorching through her. Her body struggles and clenches and is still pinned, still being fucked, even as she returns to her overwrought senses.

“My lord, my lord, my lord, Dream,” she keens, begs, sobs, the sound overlaid with the slap of skin on skin and the squelching of penetration and Lord Morpheus’s own litany of punched-out, desperate grunts.

“So good,” he slurs in her ear and his tears mingle with her sweat. “So good, you feel so good,” and his hips stutter, grind, like her body was crafted for him to fuck and fill and he cannot control himself, cannot keep himself from biting the back of her neck, like he’s taking her by the scruff, claiming her. He buries himself deep, legs flexing around her own to push him closer, sinking as far as he can into her cunt and shouting his climax.

He seems to pulse for an eternity, moaning sweetly and brokenly into her skin and slipping his fingers from her mouth, letting her head fall forward onto the bed. His hips twitch even now, like he’s trying to crawl inside her body and stay there. He, panting, asks, “was that alright?” because there isn't a single time they've done this that he hasn't fretted afterwards. “Lucienne?”

Lucienne groans, boneless and sore and positively throbbing where she’s full of his cock and his seed. “So good.”

Lord Morpheus chuckles breathlessly, kisses the marks he’s left on her neck and her shoulder and behind her ear, caresses her cheek with one soft hand, the ever-present coolness of him a balm on her overheated skin. Still covering her, pressing her down, keeping her safe and pinned beneath him.

suicidal again

i get like this whenever my brain starts getting too confused by my delusions and spits me back out into reality. i think im finally getting somewhere, then pieces get confusing again. its like a never ending cycle of new shit to learn. i think i get it, and then it feels like i lost everything. but then i get back on it eventually, so i know i just need to let the wave flow.

‘gee maybe dont indulge in ur delusions then’ bro i have people living in my head and get custom messages from higher power its a fuckin unavoidable lifestyle. feels like i have a carrot dangling on a string in front of me and the carrot is symbolical for the apple of knowledge. and god is asking ‘hey are u surreee u even want this knowledge? didnt u come to earth cuz it was too much?’ dont play me old man. why make all this other shit happen if i wasnt on some weird divine mission. torture, probably. a joke.

it makes sense. it doesnt make sense. its close to making sense. its jumbled. its nonsense. its too specific. too many coincidences. too much waiting. feels like my brain is corrupting.

one thing ive known since this all started is that i need to find my soulmates. and i cant do it unless i ‘remember’ and ‘understand’. but im so tired of everything. why cant i just be allowed to make my own choices. im sick of someone else deciding whats right for me. i should be free to figure that shit out through actual trial and error, not a guided path, not through forced restrictions.

they say to just keep waiting but i just want a break. where i dont have to be here anymore. if i cant be allowed my soulmates, i could at least get some time to just…idk….be free again. to understand again. to be one solid soul again.

i just want it to make fucking sense. i know a part of me wants to be able to live in a reality normally, just exist, and would miss the whole ‘ur special’ thing cuz itd be boring without it. but man is it frustrating. pick one, pick one. i dont wanna. i wanna have both.

its taking my life away from me because i get so focused on it that it makes me not want to do anything else, that nothing matters. but if i lose it, block it out again, i still wont feel comfortable.

im gonna eat some food and do some chores and hope i go back to normal(believing, wanting to fight for it).

moments like this i wish i were nothing.

Dream smp proposal headcanons? I bet it would be so

I think yes. thank you for the request!

DSMP Proposal Headcanons

regular masterlist

headcanon masterlist

c!dream:

he was planning on proposing to you early on

but you know...

...he kinda got stuck in the prison

however, sam allowed weekly visits because he sometimes has a heart, but was worried about you giving dream too much information

dream waited patiently until he would be rewarded out the prison

he didn't want you to give up your home that he himself built for you just to run away with him

the day second he walked out on the grass, he was down on one knee

"y/n, you've waited so long for me and you alone got me through the tough times. I need you y/n, I can't imagine a life without you. Will you marry me?"

c!George:

kinda funny actually

since being dethroned and residing in Kinko Kingdom, life has been pretty boring

but the good kind of boring

every day was a repeat of the next with a slight difference, but you didn't mind

George spent a lot of his time sleep while you were out and about gardening

you came back after a long day and woke him up

"I just had the weirdest dream... we were getting married?"

"mhm, was it nice?"

"yeah...do you wanna do it for real? like you wanna get married?"

c!eret:

you two had just finished renovating the castle and making it more welcoming to others

you two were standing in the middle of the ballroom, looking at what you two have made together

it was a comfortable and reflective silence

"I couldn't have done it without you," eret reminded you

you stayed silent and hugged him

"Y-You know, I don't think I can rule this place without you."

"What do you mean?"

"Will you be my Queen?"

c!wilbur:

you and wilbur had the most complicated relationship on the server BY FAR

no one could understand why you were together

everyone assumed he was just using you, but it was truly more than that

you were the first person to show him romantic love and show that he made an impact on your life

he decided to be better for you, no more messing around and child play

you two even built a house together outside of Las Nevadas

you were so frightened to come home and see wilbur with stacks of gun powder

"w-wilbur? w-what are you doing?"

he pushed everything to the side and tried to hide it

"n-nothing love, why are you a-asking?"

you were furious with him, he told you he changed, and now here he was, planning another thing

"you told me you were done blowing places up. I can't believe you lied to me! you told me that every night you went out hunting! I should've never believed you. we-"

"y/n, y/n, wait wait! its not what it looks like I promise!"

"it looks like you're gonna make tons of tnt and blow up Las Nevadas and I will not be apart of that"

"you're not listening! im-"

"wilbur we're done. this is too far"

"I WAS GONNA ASK YOU TO MARRY ME WITH FIREWORKS"

you stopped before you could walk out the door and turned

"what did you say?"

"this powder... its all for fireworks, come look at my recipes. I was trying to make a romantic evening for us and was gonna ask you to marry me but no one has ever made words with fireworks so every night I go far away where you cant hear them and do a trial an error"

"yes"

"yes what...?"

"I'll marry you"

c!technoblade:

one random day with no significance

"we're getting married"

c!ranboo:

ranboo would easy be the most thought out

mans planned this for months and got three different approvals on it

a really sweet picnic day overlooking the syndicate

sunsetting

love in the air

and a very love "this is why I love you and why I think we should get married" speech

c!sam:

with dream and techno gone, there was no need to stay at the prison

which finally meant that you and sam could be together

you two waited years to get together because you wanted to commit to each other and be able to see each other every day that you wanted

we all know damn well that he's super protective and ensures that no one tries to start stuff with you

after so many months of seeing each other, sam realized that there was no one else besides you that he wanted in his life

"every time I see you, I can't help but feel the need to protect you. you are the most important person in my life, and I want you to be in it forever. will you marry me?"

c!punz:

you just adored Punz

and you liked him because he always did what you suggested to do

"we should make cake"

"ill go get the sugar"

it was just your dream life

and tbh, you two were not healthy for each other; however, both of you were happy

people tried to turn you two against each other, worried that you would have too big of an influence on Punz, but, its not really that

I mean it kind of is

that's besides the point

what is the point is that you two have become so accustomed to your way of life, there was no turning back

you suggested getting married: "yo wanna go to the court house and sign some papers?"

"do you?"

"yeah"

"yeah that's cool"

How I overcame face stuff

Just some things that really helped with my body dysmorphia, take what resonates remember what doesnt bc sometimes advice comes too early but that's ok (also pls let me know if I need to add any specific tags as this may be a trigger to some I'm not sure lmk)

* AFFIRMATIONS were the absolute biggest factor in me getting better. Right now in my head i repeat things like "i am gorgeous with or without makeup" "I look great in photos" "people are attracted to me" "I love myself and so does everyone else" even if in the moment it doesnt feel completely true it's better than thinking the bad stuff. but the point of affirmations is they wire your brain to believe them the more you repeat them, so to get to this point I had to start really small. It depends where you're at with your self love journey but my affirmations started out as "I dont look gross today" "my hair is fine" "my face is just a face like everyone elses" "my reflection and photos are not always an accurate representation of how I look" you just need to experiment with different sentences and find the ones that spark something within you and repeat them whenever you remember, multiple times a day is best but you build up the habit bit by bit. You can also start by writing some down whenever you remember, or having a note in your phone with some you can reread when u think of it. And as you start to believe them you can start changing them eg. Going from "I dont look gross today" to "actually i look ok today" to "my face is acceptable at all times" to "I'm beautiful always" if that makes sense, it takes a lot of trial and error and changing up the sentences you repeat but it works wonders

* meditation really helped me to become more present with my thoughts day to day and realise that I was unintentionally thinking lots of self deprecating thoughts, once I realised this everytime I'd hear a self deprecating thought I trained myself to immediately say a good thought and focus my energy on the good one instead of letting the bad one spiral. It also helps you be present enough to remember to affirm a lot

* looking good in photos is not something that proves how good you look it is a TALENT, you gotta know your specific angles and have the confidence to make it look good. It is a talent that I do not yet have so whenever I see a bad photo of myself instead of rly hittin the heart like it used to I now just think photo taking is a talent I'll get better at it as I gain confidence

* I realised that every time I look in a mirror that my face would tense up and I'd look at a bad angle, maybe because I expect the reflection to be bad so my face changed so it would be bad. I realised that because of this mirrors (and photos) dont give me an accurate representation of my face

* after realizing this I realised how often I would look in reflections everyday (in my room, in bathrooms washing hands, in car and shop window reflections) and realised that I wasnt seeing how I really looked I was studying intensely the weird face I make when I check my reflection. So I took out all instances day to day where I would run into a mirror (covered up ones I cant move and moved to the side the ones I could). Now whenever I get the urge to check my reflection instead I just imagine my ideal face (one from a photo where I look nice) and think yep that's my face no need to check. And so now I only see my reflection when getting ready which is when I feel super cute. And now other than getting ready I only catch my reflection off guard and because I'm not expecting it I dont make the weird face and it's a much nicer reflection

*visualisation also really helped. I started visualizing like how my face looked in a photo of me I really like and deciding that that's what I look like all the time, and like everytime I habitually went to look in a covered mirror I would imagine that face instead and just be like yep that's me (bc it literally is). I also visualized myself looking into the mirror happily and liking my reflection and like visualizing my reflection to look like my face in the picture and after doing this for a while I started to see it in the mirror with or without makeup

Also just wanted to add that all of this progress has been made over years w plenty of relapses n poor decisions made in between but as long as you persist! It will get better

I made a new icon after 84 years bc I needed to vent I guess

It doesn't look THAT different from the old one but at least it's an anthro one which I've wanted for forever since that's usually how I imagine/portray Talita as she is literally me and unfortunately I'm a human instead of being a little fox with no care in the world LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN

But instead I'm here worrying about burnout depression and my future so if you're only here for the furry art fair enough ill keep the rant in a read more

Anyway hi

I have absolutely not been doing well these past few weeks and I'd say some moments might have been close to being some of the worst in my life but I am so jaded by previous experiences that I barely notice how bad it's affecting me until it hits me at 3am and I can't sleep and I just realized I'm in it DEEP which makes me freak out even more

Apparently my way of coping with life and issues is ignoring them until the last minute and just repress the SHIT out of it until it hits me in the face (peak 'this is fine' dog meme) and that isn't working anymore bc now I am an adult whose actions have consequences

I have so much school stuff to catch up on bc I stalled a whole month that short of spending hours on end at it for the next month I don't see how I can catch up in time but my mental health does not allow that as I have been sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up all night and I am scared shitless of not making it bc I'm supposed to graduate soon so FUCK and i barely know how to start. I feel so dumb and left behind while everyone seems to have their shit put together and i canr ask for help without feeling like a parasite or like they'll judge me for it

I also have no idea what I want to do or how to go about life once I am graduated (if i graduate) and i hate it bc I am so godamn lost and I have like 2 months to figure it out

My mother has covid for the 3rd time somehow which means another wave of covid has been going on in my family but I guess I avoided that but I cant see them for a while and I also lost a 3rd person I loved and cared about to it a while back and I haven't even cried yet bc once again Im ignoring and repressing it

I had to take 2 shots at the same time for covid and influenza which knocked me out for 3 days straight and made me miss yet more school stuff and I haven't eaten an actual meal since bc I'm not awake most of the day anyway

My meds for anxiety and depression have started to have side effects after 5 or so years so fuck me i guess bc i gotta get them replaced which means a lot of trial and error and i dont have time for that rn bc once again im late as shit

I just feel like I'm falling apart and no one really knows or sees it bc I'm the one that everyone in the family goes to when there's a crisis and I kinda just wanna keep it that way but also I kinda just wanna break down sometimes too yknow but if I do then who will literally solve every problem they have bc they refuse to go to therapy and apparently nobody else can help them with anything it has to be me even when I'm busy otherwise I'm an ungrateful child

There's this weird paradox where everyone in the family sees me as immature and irresponsible and a liar but they also come to me for help and support bc GOD FORBID someone else helps them so I just dont wanna give them more reasons to see me as immature but keeping that image that everything is fine is HARD when I'm on the verge of giving up

Other than that I also have just been reflecting on past events in my life and I feel so bad about some of them. I had so many good friends that I lost bc we grew apart and I had some I lost bc I was a shitty person and I never got to apologize and I know I'll just always miss them. I was at such a good place mentally between 2013-2015 and I miss those times that I can never go back to. I was doing so well in 2018-2020 too before the pandemic wrecked it and now Im just so nostalgic for those times and I can't help but feel like I'm just gonna get worse and worse after so much lost time

But that's ok. I think it's going to be ok. I just need to kick my own ass

It's just a lot of damage control and getting over stuff even though it feels like days just pass by and I can't deal with it

So I sat down and drew this in a few hours bc I just wanted to finish something I started for once. I was happier with it before but I think it looks ok and it helped me figure out what I wanna change in my furry designs. and I guess I wanted to put myself in a sunny sunset where I'm just happy with nothing to worry about, yknow? If i cant be happy at least talita can

Hope days like that can come again soon. Problem is that it only depends on me. So... shiiiit

Sugar and Coffee [2]

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3

➜ Words: 2.2k

➜ Genres: 99.5% Fluff, 0.5% Angst, Pâtisserie school!AU

➜ Summary: It isn't hard to be a pâtisserie chef, but it's not a piece of cake either. It seems like for you in particular, life keeps throwing in one wrench after another. It always finds ways to make your sweets bitter. The cherry on top is Jeon Jungkook — a rival with a sensitive sweet tooth who always finds ways to complain about you.

cr.

“In this recipe, we’re using baking soda instead of baking powder. Why? Does anyone remember the reason when we talked about our recipe of mille-feuille?”   You’re twirling your pen in your hand, bored out of your mind while someone answers that baking soda doesn’t have the acid that baking powder would normally add and how baking soda has much stronger leavening power than baking powder.   Theory has never been your area of expertise. You’ve always preferred to do the actual baking and go through trial and error than learning through the textbook. So with your mind wandering and from fear of falling asleep, you pull out your phone to text Seokjin. He’s been answering your texts slower these days.   “Alright, next class we’ll put our hands to work in the kitchen. Don’t pack up yet! I got some emails asking about the midterm so I just wanted to answer those questions here! Yes, it will be a collaborative exam and you can re-make anything that we’ve learned thus far in the semester. Baking is all about working together, so before I leave, I’ll post who everyone’s partners are. Come down and take a look before you go.”   With the lecture finished, you pack up your belongings, shoving it all into your bag and swinging the strap over your shoulder to walk down the steps. It’s crowded already, but as people filter out, you’re able to get ahead to look at the paper.   And as luck would have — you’re partnered with Jeon Jungkook.   It’s outrageous. As if having the same internship for three months wasn’t enough, now he’s your midterm partner.   You spin around to the teacher, beelining straight to him. But Jeon Jungkook beats you to it.   “Is there a possible way I can switch my partner?”   “I second that.” For once, you back him up. It’s probably the only thing you can agree on.   Jungkook looks to you before redirecting his attention back at the man who has his brow quirked. “Is there a legitimate reason?”   “Umm….”   “Our schedules don’t align,” Jungkook lies without batting a lash.   “Yeah.” You nod. “He has classes when I don’t and uh, he’s working on different projects when I have work….”   “It would be more convenient if we had different partners.”   “Wow, you two figured out you have incompatible schedules a minute into finding out you’re partners? Well, I’m sure you two can work something out.” Mr. Chu smiles, overly positive in a way that irks you. “Things have a way of working themselves out.”   In these circumstances, you’re not too sure about that.   Jungkook swallows hard, finding whatever excuse he can. “I’m afraid Y/N won’t pull her weight.”   “Excuse me?!” You can’t believe he blatantly threw you under the bus in front of your face. “That’s completely untrue! He won’t be able to pull his weight.”   “We’re just incompatible partners.” Jungkook outright ignores you. “I am happy to work with anyone, Mr. Chu. Just not her. Park Jimin said he would be fine to switch his partner and work with me.” He hitches a thumb over his shoulder to his timid friend standing near the door who realizes he’s being talked about and gives a polite wave.   Yet, the teacher gives a long sigh. “Look, you two. I know there’s bad blood between you both but wouldn’t this be a great opportunity to overcome that like the adults that you are?”   “I—”   “Mr. Chu—”   “I’m sorry, but there won’t be any switching.” He shakes his head. “Often times, you can’t choose who you work with in the real world. You just have to get over it and be professional. Learn a two or thing from that. That’s the point of this midterm. If there are concerns about the project, then you can visit my office hours. Otherwise, you’ll be working together and that’s final.”   It’s official. You hate your fine pastries class — and it used to be your favourite too.   “Fuck. Fuck,” he’s muttering, kicking the gravel from underneath his feet. You approach him with crossed arms.   “You don’t have to keep saying it.”   “What? That this fucking sucks?”   “Look, I don’t like you anymore than you like me. You don’t have to make it harder than it needs to be.”   “Oh yeah? You want to make it less hard? How about you stop existing then.”   “Okay, fuck you, Johnson. Stop pouting like you’re fucking four years old. Are we going to talk about the project or do you want to flunk?”   “Stop calling me Johnson.”   “Or else what?”   Jungkook rolls his eyes. “You’re so childish.”   “I’m the childish one?” you scoff in disbelief. “I’m not the one practically throwing a tantrum.”   “Whatever. But what’s there to talk about? We’ll make carrot cake.”   “What the hell?” You’re appalled. He’s not even going to ask you? “No, we’ll make the charlotte royale.”   “No, you idiot.” He pinches the bridge of his nose.   You scoff again. This was absolutely unbelievable. It’s a shame that no one’s listening into this conversation — there’s no way you would be able to retell just how absurd this was. “Did you just call me an idiot?”   “Yes, carrot’s the easiest. We’ll get it done and over with.”   “I don’t want to get it done and over with.” You point right at him. “Unlike you, I care about my grades, okay? So what if it’s easy? It won’t get us the marks we need.”   “Since when did you care about your grades?”   “Okay, fuck off, Jeon.”   Having enough of him, you decide to walk away but Jungkook soon calls out after you. “Are you going to give me your phone number?”   You’re horrified enough to spin around and regard him with a disgusted expression. “What? No!”   “For the project, you dumbass. You think I’m asking because I want to know?”   You roll your eyes to the back of your skull and close the distance with three strides again. Surprisingly, the both of you civilly exchange contact information without ripping each other’s heads off but you don’t want to be with him longer than you need to. “When are we going to meet up? We should decide so I don’t have to text you.”   “I’m fine with whenever.”   “Tomorrow then.”   “Sure.”   You leave already texting Jin your grievances. He doesn’t answer since he’s so busy, but you’re ready to unload.   //   The next day comes too quickly.   The first person you see in the morning is the last person you ever want to see — and Jungkook isn’t amused either. He regards you with a lazy gaze, dark circles, oversized black hoodie and jeans that he probably picked up off his floor and put on after giving a good sniff.   Other partners are already in the kitchen figuring out their recipes, but you have yet to decide what to make. You swear the asshat is just disagreeing with you to make it harder and more miserable.   “What don’t you understand? What you’re asking for is too unreasonable.”   “Really? You think whipping meringue by hand is too difficult? Maybe you shouldn’t be baking then, Jeon.”   “It’s time consuming,” he groans and rubs his temple. “And it’s not worth it. If you want to spend your time doing something impressive than we should make something like fucking I don’t know, Napoleon cake and call it a day.”   “Okay, sounds good to me.”   “What? Actually?”   “I don’t see why not. You can make the puff pastry while I make the custard. We assemble together.”   “You make it sound easier than it’ll be, but fine. We can meet up tonight. What, don’t give me that look. It’s not like you’re busy. And spending time with your boyfriend doesn’t constitute as being busy. The sooner we get this done, the sooner it’s over.”   “Fine. How about eight?”   “Seven thirty. See you then.”   You’re exasperated. He’s a jerk. And you go on your way while shaking your head.   8:21 am. Y/N: still cant believe my luck   5:43 pm. Seokjin: Hey where are you?  5:44 pm. Seokjin: We should meet

Jungkook lives his life precariously. He is flexible and follows his instincts. That’s not to say he’s irresponsible, reckless or that he’s fickle. He’s adaptable and it’s the reason why he started baking anyways — a whim that he fell in love with. 

  Jungkook prefers to go with his gut feeling than plan every step of the way. And it’s his gut feeling that tells him you’re nothing but an absolute headache.   “Let me suck on your muffin.”   Yoongi’s expression dies, washing over into an impassive state. “Say that again, Kim, and I’ll never bring my extra muffins again.” Taehyung whines on the couch while Jimin laughs. Yoongi looks over at Jungkook. “Hey, want one, Kook?”   He tosses him a blueberry muffin anyhow but Jungkook chucks it at Hoseok who catches it in both hands, almost missing. “Nah. What time is it? I gotta go.”   “Where are you going on a Friday night at seven?”   “Ooh, it’s a date, isn’t it?” Taehyung grins. “What kind of girl?”   “Who is it?” Hoseok clarifies the question, cheek full of muffin. “I haven’t heard you talk about anyone ever.”   “He wishes.” Jimin giggles, have an inkling of where it was he was going.   “it’s not a date, dumbass. I have a meeting with my midterm project partner.”   “Damn,” Yoongi comments, biting into the muffin he baked earlier in class. “That’s rough.”   “His partner’s Y/N,” Jimin says with a sparkle in his eye, watching Jungkook get up from the couch.   Taehyung’s eyes bulge. They nearly fall out of their sockets and he wheezes, pounding his chest as part of the muffin stuck in his gullet. “You’re partners with that psycho bitch?”   “Yeah.” The youngest of all of them sighs. “I couldn’t change.”   Jungkook walks past, but Yoongi stops him, plopping a hand on his shoulder. The usually cold man seems sympathetic for once and holds up his muffin. “Are you sure you don’t want one?”   He dreads it — having to ditch his friends on a Friday night and the warmth of his dorm room. All in exchange for the chilly wind outside and the empty kitchens that’re eerie without souls inside them, just metal bowls and silver appliances. But Jungkook drags himself there anyway.    He’s ten minutes early since he’s not one to leave people waiting.    But when seven thirty eventually rolls around, you’re nowhere in sight.   7:34 pm. Jungkook: Are you coming or not   He waits for an additional twenty minutes, sitting on the stool, playing games on his phone. Then he realizes the time and gets started anyhow. The puff pastry always takes longer to make anyways. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t frustrated — Jungkook’s frankly pissed off and if you decided to ditch him, you’ll have one or two things coming, that’s for sure.   Jungkook beats two ounces of butter with a tablespoon of sugar. Then he folds in two beaten eggs, one tablespoon vinegar, cold water, three tablespoons of vodka, and salt. He folds in the two and a half cups of flour and forms a dough in his hands until it’s soft and pliable.    Right when he wraps the bowl in plastic and slides it into the fridge to chill for an hour, the door to the kitchen opens.   “You’re late.”   You’re not even dressed in an apron nor is your hair tied back like it’s supposed to be but he doesn’t comment.   “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you? It’s been an hour and I’m done my part.”   Silence.   You don’t respond. Jungkook scoffs.   It was a new low for you to give him the silent treatment when you’re the late one. Your head is downcasted, facing away from him, giving him the cold shoulder. You don’t spare him one glance as you go over to the fridge, pulling out eggs, sugar, flour, milk, vanilla beans, and butter.   You pour milk into the saucepan haphazardly and it splashes everywhere on the counter.   “Hey, watch it!”    Jungkook rips the carton away from your hands. He didn’t know you were this much of an amateur.   He watches you in mortification as you move to the flour bag, scooping out a whole cup instead of six tablespoons. He wonders if you had a stroke. “Y/N, you’re supposed to do the eggs next. What the hell is wrong with—”   You burst into tears.    Jungkook’s heart stutters. He pales. He freezes in place. He feels his entire body go rigid.    And his brain breaks.   …..   What.   Tears. Full on tears are streaming down your face. You’re wailing, covering your face with your floured hands and crying into them. Your entire frame shakes as devastation wrecks through your entire body. He’s never seen you look so small before. He’s never seen you cry.   Jungkook puts milk down, swallowing hard. He watches you with eyes as big as saucers. “I...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”   You sob. “J-Jin brok..e up w-with m...e.”

Ok. So Martin has to figure out what the Eye is at some point before the Goggles Incident or else he wouldnt know to blind himself to escape, right? So. When and how did he figure that out? And like, I get that he cant accept what the Eye offers as real love but wouldn't he try bargaining to, idk, date elias or smthg if the other 3 are released kind of like in aoye? Why would the Eye not go for that in this scenario?

Okay so--yes. Martin does discover what’s going on before the goggles incident. And of course, he discovers you can quit by gouging your eyes out. But it happens in phases.

Phase 1: he gets into the tunnels sometime after the Jane Prentiss threat blows over (but Martin���s been evicted and he’s weirdly having trouble finding a new place.) He gets information on the entities in general from Leitner.

Martin still promises he’ll come back and they’ll exchange more info. When he does come back, he finds Leitner completely fucking dead, so that’s how that goes.

(There is also some drama with the polycule and how they react to the tunnels--but I got another ask on that so I will expound on that Later :) )

Phase 2: Martin, after so much running around and trying to find out what eye monster is doing this and trying to wheedle information from people, gets straight up told by Elias that the Eye is in love with him. Martin does not accept this at first.

Phase 3: Melanie quits.

And you see, this is quite an accomplishment. Jon does now tell her how to quit in this AU, because Jon simply does not find Eric’s tape. Melanie follows Eric’s path in a more--indirect way. She goes through the process trial and error herself.

Of course her first instinct is to simply murder Elias. This prompts consternation from the rest of the polycule. Even Martin objects, also worried about all of them dying, to which Melanie throws something at him and screams not everything is about what you want!

She does feel bad about it afterwards, but she decides that bad feeling must be more Eye brainwashing, so she smothers it intentionally and does not apologize.

The attempts on Elias’s life before standard procedure. The others stop getting riled up about them. It even becomes an integral part of the team atmosphere. Exchanges like: “Ah, sorry Tim, seems like Melanie poisoned everything in the fridge just in case Elias eats any of it” become an ordinary and accepted part of life at the Archives.

The murder attempts distract everyone from all her other attempts to free herself.

Melanie reads every single statement she can get her hands on, trying to find any mention of someone fighting successfully against an Entity’s influence. She finds the story of Agnes Montague freeing someone from the web-induced mind control with a kiss on the cheeks.

That gives Melanie an idea, and sets her on a path. The first stop on that path is Jude Perry.

(CW: self harm, serious self-injury, and self destructive behavior bordering on suicidal.)

Jude laughs at Melanie’s dilemma (she always did find other people’s misery funny) and laughs even more at her hypothesis. Still, when Melanie grits her teeth and explains what she wants from Jude, Jude grins.

“Well,” Jude says. “I can practically guarantee you won’t get anything out of it that you’re hoping for. But you are pretty, so how could I say no?”

Georgie, as Melanie’s emergency contact, is the one who gets called by the hospital and gets to see her bandaged up from the burns Jude left on one side of her face.

Georgie is also there when Melanie gets to wake up and find out it didn’t work--that the same intense pressure for her to return to the Institute is still there. Melanie sobs a bit over it, squeezing Georgie’s hand, but--she’s not done, either. Not remotely.

If it’s not that the Desolation gives some sort of protection from mind control, Melanie decides, it must be that different Entities cancel each other out. And if the Desolation cancels out the Web, then--there has to be one that cancels out the Eye.

And so Melanie’s path continues.

She tracks down Manuela Domingeuz, and then Helen.

Melanie gets locked in the dark box (willingly) for days, and spends some indeterminate amount of time stumbling in Helen’s corridors, listening to Helen’s giggles echo around the corner and wondering if she’ll ever get let out. In each of these it--Melanie can feel the Eye subside for a moment. Can feel her thoughts become her own again.

But once she’s out, the pressure is always back. Pushing her back to the Institute. Letting her know Martin is worried.

She has so, so many fights with Georgie throughout all of this. Because Georgie both disagrees with Melanie keeping everything to herself, and disagrees with everything Melanie is doing when Melanie actually explains any of it.

“This isn’t helping anything, Melanie! I can’t just sit by and watch you slowly kill yourself.”

“Where were you? Please tell me what’s going on.”

“You’re just as bad as Jon.”

They stop talking. They start talking again. Melanie gets increasingly more erratic and hostile in her interactions with everyone. Jon tells her a supernatural bullet is causing this but, “It’s fine, we’ll make sure you stay one of Us enough to keep clear headed.”

She throws something at him, and screams.

Georgie wants her to stop trying. Wants her to focus on self-preservation, and stop self destructing for no foreseeable gain.

“And just let them keep controlling me?” Melanie mumbles, pressed up against Georgie’s shoulder.

“You’d still be alive, though,” Georgie says. “That has to be worth something.”

Melanie almost gives in, then. Only for a second, though. The problem is that Georgie’s words have the exact opposite of the effect Georgie intends. Because Melanie hears that and feels her heart melt and something in her goes: oh, this is what real love is.

She compares it to the foreign obsession that grips her at the worst of times, and she makes a choice.

Next week, Melanie locks herself in her own apartment. She knows she’ll get sick if she doesn’t go back to the Institute. It’s time to see if it will really kill her--or else, call her bluff.

Her phone blows up. She shuts it off and throws it out the window. Over the next few days, it becomes impossible to sleep. She paces, vomits, and scratches at herself. She gets furious, breaks things, kicks things, and cries through it all. She feels an ache in her leg, and thinks about what Jon told her about the bullet.

“Well,” she says, through the haze of lost sleep. “Maybe I can stop one thing from controlling me, at least.”

She cuts up her own leg. Messily, bloodily, not having enough foresight to sterilize the knife or have sutures or gauze ready to go. It’s pure luck that she doesn’t hit a major artery in the process, and that she gets it out.

Then, she hears knocking at the door.

“Fuck off!” she yells.

“Melanie?”

The voice makes her blood run cold. Martin. Her eyes move towards the door without her permission.

“Sasha said you were--you were doing--” Martin swallows. “Melanie, please. You don’t have to--”

Her head spins. She stands up, and heads for the door. She shakily unlocks it as though in a trance, and when she sees Martin on the other side she knows exactly why. The sight of him makes that alien thing at the back of head light up like fireworks.

She also knows, instantly, that Martin came himself because he knew that he’d be able to get her to stop. Because the second he thought hard enough about not wanting her to hurt herself, she wouldn’t be able to. That he's started to believe in the Eye's “love” enough to use it, in this case.

“You,” she tells him, still light-headed, “are a fucker, Martin.”

He doesn’t even defend himself. She hates him for that.

“What did you---your leg. Okay, shit, we need to get you to a--let me call--”

Melanie tries to move her head away. She can’t. She tries to at least blink. She can’t. She’s locked in eye contact with him, and those same fireworks are going off in her head.

Does Melanie work it out, at that moment?

She does think, briefly, of Manuela’s darkness. How that darkness blotted out the Eye’s influence, if only for a moment. About how Manuela ritualistically scratched out photographs of eyes, while Melanie was there. But maybe Melanie still doesn’t really make the intellectual connection.

Maybe it’s just spite.

She can’t move her own goddamn eyes. If it’s gonna be that way, then at the very least the Beholding shouldn’t get them either. And so, Melanie takes the knife she’d just used on her legs, and turns it on her own eyes.

The last thing she sees is Martin’s shrieking face--but the first thing she feels when she wakes up is Georgie’s hand holding hers, and that makes it worth it.

Hi! Draft anon here! I would love to better understand how the draft works, and also what the new draft rule is where you don’t have to declare? I really just want to know everything!

Anon? You're my new best friend, these are the BEST words to read.

OKAY I'm going to assume a base level knowledge about the draft, aka it's teams picking people, and work from there. BUCKLE UP BRO, IT'LL BE A RIDE. I'm gonna hide this under a break too because it's a long one and it includes a moment where I raged against the league. Have fun!

Okay so, let's do the basics. College athletes, for the most part, are under the NCAA umbrella, which gives athletes opportunities for scholarships, aid and support and sets up championships between schools. Colleges are divided in 3 divisions (conveniently named the D1, D2 and D3), with the first division being the top schools in their sports, players in those teams are the ones that usually turn professional in their sport just because their schools have more money and therefore better resources for their athletes.

Every athlete in a D1 school has 5 years to play 4 seasons of their sport, and most of them are expected to run their eligibility by the time they graduate (the eligibility rules are a little different for D2 and D3 schools but more or less aims for the same thing) SOME of those players forfeit their remaining eligibility before graduation to turn "pro", and enter their sport's draft, although it's not necessary and players who've run their eligibility usually enter the draft before they graduate so they can start playing for their team right after college. The draft is when whatever national league they expect to play for (the MLB, NHL, NFL, NWSL, etc) pick from a pool of players leaving their college teams to play professionally, these are "prospects".

For the NWSL, the teams are assigned a pick number. The worst team in the league picks first, and so on until the top team selects their pick and that signals the end of the round, for expansion years the expansion team picks first, then the worst team in the league, and so on. The league creates a pool of 40 players that can sign up to be drafted, and the draftees are set up in 4 rounds of 10 players each.

The players aren't put in any particular order in the draft pool of picks but they are "prospected" to be picked by a certain numbered team based on their skill and acollades. For this upcoming draft pool, Catarina Macario is expected to be the first pick of the first round. It's not a great vibe to go to the worst team of a league but draft picks are the future of a team, and coaches that pick first are, usually, desperate and will begin to build their team formations around their draftee.

In other leagues draft pick trading is, I think, way funnier. Because the team that originally had the picks, let's say for example Sky Blue trades up for the 4th pick in the first round from Washington. If it were another league, let's say the NHL, Washington gets a little note from Sky Blue saying "we want Jane Doe for the 4th pick", Washington would have to pick her with all the fanfare that goes with it, and then watch her go to sky blue because they traded the pick away. In the NWSL the team that gets a pick in a trade does the picking themselves. Which is less "lol" and more "business as usual".

NOW THE NEW RULE: the NWSL obtained a waiver from the NCAA to draft D1 players who, in any other year might not have an option between entering the draft and forfeiting their last college season, which would suck for people who've put their hearts and souls into their teams, or skipping the draft for one more year and have to be out of the game for nearly a year once their season is over. Which, like, is awesome on the NCAA's part! These players get a last chance at college sports and can report to the teams that drafted them once the season is over.

The part where the NWSL went and took a wonderful thing and fucked it all up is with the rule that anyone who has exhausted their 3yr eligibility is draft eligible, REGARDLESS of them signing up for the draft. The logic is that it will expand the talent pool and give teams more talent to work with.

Let me tell you what this does in NOT PG13 words—children cover your eyes. This just about fuuuucks player rights up their hindquarters with no warning and no lube.

Players that are eligible, even if they don't enter the draft (read as: don't want to be drafted yet or maybe ever) can be picked by teams and their rights will be held until the 2022 season. It means that drafted players can have their rights traded away and, if they ever expect to enter the league, will be sent to whatever fucking team their rights were drafted by or traded to without their input. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE, AND HERE'S THE CATCH 22, THE NCAA WAIVER MEANS PLAYERS CANT SIGN AGENTS TO QUALIFY FOR IT.

What does that mean for my point, you may ask? It means that, let's say:

Jane Doe is a player in a D1 school. She doesn't want to be drafted to the league so she doesn't sign up. However, she is a college senior with 3 years of NCAA eligibility behind her, and is therefore draft eligible. She doesn't want her rights to be held by whomever the hell to do with as they please before she's ready so she thinks about hiring an agent. However, if she hires an agent she, as far as I know, would have to forfeit her remaining college eligibility and "go pro". If she does, she won't be eligible for the draft according to these rules, but she also can't play for her college team, AND she won't have a team once the college season is over because she wasn't picked up in the draft. So now, she's out of game shape, she has to find a team to sign her and maybe her best odd was going to be being drafted in the 3rd or 4th round of the nwsl draft, now she has to look for a team to sign her. Or have to not play professionally. But she will want to play professionally. So, her only option is to be picked up by some team in this draft, even though let's say she expected to have better odds for a higher pick in the next draft, and have her rights done away with for a whole season and have to report to a random team after maybe having had her rights used as a bargaining chip for trades.

Now, obviously, this is hella fatalistic. And looking at it in the worst possible light. But we know that the NWSL is not a stranger to doing all kinds of willy nilly shit with players who are not federation allocated, and this is just one more open door into fucking with players rights, this time with prospects.

It was such a good idea to begin with, to take up this Waiver and give their prospects one more year of college soccer where they can push for their last championship, before coming in fired up to the league, knowing for an entire year what team they would play for, probably having off season training with their new teammates. This was, in no uncertain words, a good thing. But then the league had to stomp on it.

It's trial and error and the NWSL is a newish league, and hopefully no one will get their playing rights messed with. But in case they do, I'm gonna hate to have to say I told you so.

I hope that answers your questions?

I WELCOME ANY OPINIONS ON MY VIEW OF THIS. I'M VERY FATALISTIC ABOUT IT BUT I KNOW SOME OF Y'ALL HAVE BETTER VIBES!

Full name:  Toruga ( Winchester ) Nicknamed:  The Good Doctor, Father, Doc, Purple Pimp

Gender: Male Species: Demon Age: Immortal, appears to be in his late 30s, early 40s Sexuality: If its a shade of royal purple, its within that field of interest. Otherwise, he couldnt care less Nationality: Travels about, German based design. Dude is a demon imitating human design City or town of birth: The Enigma , The realm of Neikan and the Emotions Currently lives: Moves where there is work, primarily between Europe and the United States, where is assets are located Languages spoken: English, Spanish, German, Russian, Korean, Japanese, variations of the chinese dialect (fluent in Mandarin) , Hindi -- basically a workable understanding of many mainstream languages of varying countries. He’s old, he’s been around, and he is able to retain and learn easily Native language: prefers English and German Accent/diction: Speaks with refined annunciation with his English, but in a more relaxed state he has a slight German accent. Relationship Status: A widower still obsessed with his monsters and his creator but she just wont see him in such a way rip the man

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Height: 6’6 Weight: 160 pounds in human form, his dark form varies in weight Figure/build: Tall, stocky built. His muscle is primarily in his arms, legs, and chest, with a faintly noticeable gut (lowkey dad bod) Hair color: Black, peppered with grey strands Hairstyle: keeps it medium length but professional, Eye color:  A deep orange Skin/fur colour: His skin is a sandy beige complexion littered by dark discolored scars. Having tiger features, he has inverted colors with black fur and white stripes. Tattoos: Neikan’s branding is on his left inner forearm. Tends to stroke it absentmindedly  Scars/distinguishing marks: Toruga is littered by minor discolored scars all over his arms and chest, but his iconic scar is the 3 clawed slashing going down his face. Preferred style of clothing: In a button up collared shirt and black dress pants, coupled with his lap coat, He never really goes anywhere without his labcoat. He has no real sense of.. Dressing casual. If not his lab coat, he still wears a kind of trenchcoat in some way. And suspenders for a touch of extra class

HEALTH

Bad Habits: -Cant form real human connection - sees everything as object variables to dissect ,explore, and use for experimentation. - Regularly abuses the fuck out of the other negatives because they are inferior idiots - Sociopathic murderer (“for Science”). -Obsessed with Neikan, the demon who created him, and will turn on anyone in her defense, friend or foe. -Views any personal connection to a person like having a pet you're fond for, but nothing is above Neikan. -Stress smoker.

Addictions: -Sexually infatuated by the color purple, - Takes Sadistic pleasure in watching the bold break down, - Gets off on taking control and causing pain in the act of intimacy.

PERSONALITY

Personality: Toruga is a deceptive man by nature, a demon conjured up and hand made by Neikan herself, inspired by Josef Mengele which she had seen in the lives of one of her vessels. Being based on the mad doctor, Toruga himself is brilliant in the fields of genetics, biology, and the anatomy of anything he can get his hands on. Despite the basis, Toruga is simply a being that never was a child, thus has formed a persona that imitates human emotion and relations to get his way. He doesn't feel true connection, he doesn't feel empathy, sympathy, or guilt for what he does, as long as it feeds into the goal of appeasing his mistress and furthering her goals. Which makes lying and altering his persona to the liking of his associates quite easy. Toruga presents himself like a fatherly figure -- even tempered, soft but confidently spoken, and constantly utilizing praise and interest in another when he’s looking to make nice. He’s a master of manipulation and will not hesitate to research a person’s history, or gauge a weakness from conversation alone, and exploit it if it makes them more agreeable or himself more appealing.   He doesnt respond to insults or physical attacks,  not a single thing in the world bothers him, save for the failure of the negatives to complete a task, or if the insult is directed at his mistress. Or if it is impeding his work, because that would make him unappealing to Neikan. Only then will he react. And he will do so swiftly and violently to make his point known. He is not afraid of death threats, or to be beaten or dismembered or tortured, because of his inability to die (Thanks to his connection to Neikan. For as long as she lives, he can) He finds those sorts of threats mildly amusing, because he has been here for centuries, and he will continue to be well after humanity is nothing more than bones and Ash beneath their feet. His personality can swivel on a dime, but overall he is a fairly pleasant person to interact and talk with. He;s had plenty of time to master human expression.  Toruga also tends to be very physical when he shows interest, with subtle touches, unbroken eye contact, and closeness. Its simply the spider tossing the silk of his webs to capture the poor fly that has no idea the fate to come. He can be incredibly jealous and spiteful when it comes to what diverts the attention of his mistress

Strengths: Determined, Even tempered, charming personality. Incredibly intelligent and gifted with holding conversations. A great asset if you need a doctor to work on any sort of viral or bacterial bioweapon, or if ya need a guy that likes to alter and play with mortal genetics. His inability to stay permanently dead makes him quite the threat in theory, and with that demonic origin he does have supernatural strength compared to the average mortal. He has no real blood, just inky mass of dark matter that makes up his form and drips in imitation blood.

Weaknesses: Neikan. Divine weaponry and magic also hurt like a bitch and would require he directly return to neikan to get fixed up.

Fears/phobias: Failing Neikan to the point she abandons him or makes another negative to replace him.

Favourite color:

P U R P L E 

Did I say purple?  Very important to know. And any shade that compliments it.

Hobbies: - Kidnapping subjects indiscriminately based on their viability and their chance of being pursued, disfiguring them, wiping their memory, and then using them as test subjects for his viral bioweapon projects. - Making handmade clothing for his test subject children. He’s quite the skilled tailor. He especially loves dressing up his daughter before she ran away - Traveling about to meet with and work closely with assorted allies towards an end goal of toppling human society and shifting power - Taking out his anger and frustration on the negatives because they dont die - Talking to his dead husband he keeps perfectly preserved in a case down in his lab

Theme Song: - “Pet” by perfect circle - “Trust me” from the Devil’s Carnival

SKILLS

Talents/skills: - Tailoring clothing of all materials - Extensive knowledge of the medical field - skilled virologist and biochemist - Manipulative - Skillful liar

Education: Multiple lifetimes of trial and error through multiple dimensions and a variety of different levels of technology he’s explored with. Lacking any formal training, being an extension of his mistress means he also inherits the knowledge of her vessels. Coupled with his own experimentation and studied through multiple worlds.

Abilities: Being a demon made of dark matter means he’s endowed with an assortment of natural abilities, however unlike the more well known hell spawn demons, the negatives and their abilities from Neikan are typically only physical based.  Those abilities include: - Enhanced Strength and Endurance (built up after years of handling monsters, and the lack of human limitations/strains on the body) - Complete Regeneration (as long as the weapon is not enchanted or by divine means) - Minor shapeshifting, limited to his true forms. From human, to the black mass in the shape of a man, to a beastial tiger form - A photographic and auditory memory that retains just about any information he finds worthy of withholding. It also allows him to learn any language with ease after being exposed to it for a period of time

FAMILY, FRIENDS AND FOES

Personal history: Created around the time period of Pride’s((The Vessel) lifetime, 6 vessels prior to Nikki, Toruga was formed at first out of curious reasons and the need for a friend, but her intent with him became malicious shortly after her grief in the following life which split her soul into two halves. Left with nothing but malice and hatred for humanity, with the worst aspect of her being, Neikan utilized all her negativity to create a figure that would help speed up the process of ending the lives of the future vessels. Toruga was based on Josef Mengele, which Neikan had been exposed to as a child through the eyes of her second vessel, Hate. The demon was never a child, born as a perfectly capable adult to keep this young grieving woman company, it was at the start of his existence which paved the way to his obsessive love for his Creator. Toruga was her friend, her pet project that she left responsible with overseeing any of her new creations were given a job and set in order. While not active at first, Toruga observed humanity from the distance and learned the art of imitating them perfectly to blend in and manipulate what he understood. He studied their texts, he studied their culture, the array of species, their anatomies, their science and their technologies, absorbed it all until he could put it to use at the very end. Toruga is in love with his mistress, but with her fixation on her vengeance and the delicate heartbreak, she refuses to see him in such a way. Which, in turns, drives his unyielding determination to please her to make her see him. Coming to the existence of the last vessel, Nikki, things got complicated. Neikan assigned him a task to make a malleable beast that can infiltrate, a living machine to be the wolf in sheep's clothing, so when the last life became known, this being would be sent to kill it. Unfortunately for them, that bio weapon became the last life. Once inheriting Neikan and all the previous lives, any of the previous wiring he had instilled in the fetus were completely wiped away with the new presence of thought and free will -- the result, which would send Toruga on a wild chase to retrieve his experiment , all the way back to Earth. He spends years having to establish bases and connections on earth, all while scouring for his little project, taking well over 10 years before finally finding her. When he eventually does kidnap her and attempt to reset her mentally, Nikki retaliates and flees, leaving him with the iconic face scar he has now, but his project was now an unstable mess.  

Toruga is a man who juggles many projects at once. Despite a singular failure, he is always looking to make improvements, which would have eventually led to the creation of Malakaid as a failsafe to getting rid of Nikki, then immediately lost after yet another raid by Rosie and the authorities. But there is no stopping, there is always alternatives to getting what he wants. His web is vast, his determination and will unyielding. The world will fall to his mistress, one way or another. As of now, Toruga works closely with a variety of associates, primarily the Branches of Virtues because of their plentiful assets, and acts as a kind of apostle for Neikan to gain more souls willing to join their cause. His main project is a viral mutagen called the Uxoru virus, and helping work towards a modified super soldier serum made from Angel’s blood.

Parents names: Neikan Shadou (Sheila Lunarcrest)

Siblings: The other negatives, including John, Sebura, Kura, and Joku. By technicality, anyone made by Neikan is a kind of sibling.

Relationship with siblings: Toruga is the head honcho of the show, responsible for directing and punishing the others for their failures. Their stupidity and clumsiness prove to be incredibly irritating to him, and because they cant die he has no hesitation in brutally maiming and abusing them for it. They all have a bitterness, but a respectful fear towards him, and he knows it well. None of them are his equal, for he was the first, and he intends to keep it that way.

Partner/Spouse: -Vermont (Former husband, now deceased. Murdered mistakenly by Toruga himself after Vermont questioned Neikan’s intentions and plans. )

Children:

- Nikki Ai (His first experiment, artificially created and planted within a mother. She has no recollection of him as her creator, but rather this monster that hunts her down. She never came back as she was suppose to, and thus is a nuisance he needs dead)

- Malakaid (The second improvement to Nikki’s design , made from Nikki and Jacob’s dna, spliced with his own. Malakaid was stolen as a baby by Rosie and imprinted on her. Because of this, he will not go back to Toruga.)

( From his relationship with Vermont)

- Veronica Winchester (Eldest daughter, ran away at 12 years old.)

- Toby Winchester ( A young boy, still living with him. He drags him around on his work trips when he’s able to. Because he witnessed his birth parent murdered as a toddler, Toby is practically a skittish mute of a boy that fears his father but will not dare leave the way his sister did.)

Enemies:

Basically got beef with everyone bcuz he probably fucked over your loved ones at some point and just doesn't recall it. He primarily has enemies with Rosie( A very personal vendetta) and the Angel Project, the Divine Calvary, and any enemies of the Branches of Virtues. He doesn’t try to make enemies but if people are gonna try to stop him from completing his work because its “unethical” and “Inhumane” then a bitch gonna go into the cage with the rest of the subjects. But he’s a hard man to hate because as long as you are blissfully ignorant, he seems like such a pleasant man to keep company with.

Associates:

- The Branches of Virtue

- Nathair Elerdand

- Neikan and the Negatives

Affiliated verse:

Tag: :The Good Doctor (Toruga):

- Iniquitous Essence (The info above)

- Pokeverse : Toruga is a scientist of the Aether foundation , working on a secret specialized project for Lusamine, to create a world where human and pokemon are one -- as halflings. He experiments using genetic information gathered from the ultra beast data, along with splicing human dna with that of Pokemon, varying from adults to unborn fetuses. Everyone of which failed (dying in a matter of months, if born. Dying and resulting in a stillbirth. Or death induced by the Human body rejecting the intrusive genetics and triggering a shut down response) until finally there was Rosie. He studied her for the entirety of her childhood, a secret success he dare not report until certain she would not die like the rest, only to be lost in a fire (as far as he knows) aimed at silencing her rowdy father.

Much to his dismay, Toruga continues his research on human genetics, milking the foundations of its assets to feed his curiosity, with no real loylty to anyone but himself. But those skulligans are a promising bunch of nobodies to utilize for testing. He’s on the hunt to get his pet project back

part 4 - the dumbest po3 au

its been. nine. montsh im SO SORRY GUYS LMAO

for those of you who dont know what the dumbest po3 au is, click this link

for those of you who have not read the summaries for power of three, part 1 - part 2 - part 3

alright!!!!!!! dovewing time

the fourth apprentice

the book opens w/ ivykit and dovekit in the nursery. ivykit suggests going out to explore the territory and dovekit is like “wow. that sounds like a fantastic idea ivykit you are so smart"

whitewing says No Absolutely Not, and leaves at some point to go make dirt. they sneak out and not 5 minutes later they get lost. dovekit gets blames ivykit for suggesting it and they get into a fight. they both get really mad & dovekit runs off. because shes like a stupid 2 year old gets distracted, rams her head into a rock and passes out. rip dovekit. she wakes up and sees a fox kit coming towards her. she screams.

her head hurts and shes tired and now shes going to die. out of nowhere a huge cat beats up the fox and scares it away. dovekit passes out (again)

when she wakes up, she is next to a cat messing with a bunch of weird plants. the cat sees that she woke up and introduces himself as littlecloud. he asks what her name is. “dove… dove…?? i dont know” says dovekit.

he asks her how she got there, and if she has any family. she does not remember. so littlecloud tells her she’s gonna have to stay here for the time being. he asks her if anything hurts, and dovekit says she thinks may have hit her head.

he gives her some of the weird plants and she goes back to sleep. when she wakes up her head has stopped hurting and she feels a lot better. she gets up to go walk around and is immediately introduced to the tawnyspawn.

tigerpaw is stupid and friendly (and hellbent on being her future best friend). dawnpaw is obnoxious and a bit (read: extremely) condescending but interested. flamepaw is nice and also the only one with half a braincell.

they take her around and introduce her to the rest of the clan. she sees blackstar and is like. “im pretty sure thats my dad” tigerpaw gasps. flamepaw and dawnpaw are like. “What.” “he saved me from the fox im pretty sure thats my dad,” says dovekit

they go harass blackstar. dovekit follows him around like a puppy and the tawnspawn follow her. he has this train of literal 2 yr olds trailing after him and is wildly unhappy about this development. russetfur is also definitely siccing the kids on him to make him mad.

dawnpaw gives dovekit a passionate speech about the clans, but mostly how evil riverclan kicked completely innocent shadowclan out of their home, and how shadowclan has to set everything right and deliver justice to those cringe fail fishheads, or something.

a few days later the tawnyspawn are off doing their own thing and dovekit goes to see whats going on. dawnpaw tries to shut tigerpaw up but he spills the beans anyways. “we’re going to attack riverclan on a Secret Mission so that we can win back shadowclan’s honor and become WARRIORS so you cant tell anybody”

dawnpaw sighs. “dovekit this is for Big Kids Only, so you cant be here.” flamepaw is trying to talk tigerpaw out of doing this in the bg but tigerpaw is being stubborn. dovekit is sad about it but goes back to sulk in camp (and to harass her new dad).

a few hours later tawnypelt runs over to blackstar and is like. “blackstar my children are missing nobody knows where they went”

"oh!! they went to go attack riverclan to get back shadowclan’s territory!” informs dovekit helpfully.

“what.” says blackstar, tawnypelt, and russetfur in unison. the sky immediately opens up and starts Pouring. tawnypelt freaks out. dovekit is like “why cant we just follow the sound of their voices??” but everyone ignores her bc they think shes just being stupid.

“Fine!! ill just go find them on my OWN” says dovekit, following them by the sound of their voices (theyre proally arguing over something stupid).

now four of shadowclan’s children are missing. “you brought that kid here so you get to deal with her,” says russetfur. blackstar sighs dramatically and goes off to find his new child.

dovekit runs into an old man cat. “whatre you doin here??” says old man cat. “im looking for my friends!! whats your name :0? im dovekit!!” “my names purdy!”

blackstar shows up and is like. who tf are you. “this is my new friend purdy!!!” says dovekit. blackstar doesnt even know how to respond. “look we’re going to go back to the camp right now and we’re not taking this dude with us.”

dovekit is like “??? no??? we have to get my friends theyre right over there??” she says pointing in their direction w/ her tail. blackstar is ready to cry. so blackstar and purdy follow dovekit as she leads them closer to riverclan territory where they hear the tawnyspawn screeching like banshees.

they run over and find several cats w/ the tawnyspawn who are pinned down. “if you breathe in my direction ill kill all three of these children,” says a snotty dude.

“who tf are you” says blackstar

“im darktail you insolent snot,” says darktail.

one of his cats grabs dovekit and blackstar snaps. he lunges at darktail while purdy beats up the dude who snatched dovekit. the tawnyspawn take advantage of the moment, escape, and dogpile the other cats. its a disaster.

darktail swears revenge on blackstar till his dying day or something. nobodys really paying attention to him at this point. he runs off w/ his crew. “alright then” says blackstar. this has been a really weird and long day for everyone. blackstar wants to leave purdy but all the children immediately start crying. they bring purdy home.

“holy crap!!! purdy!!!!!” says tawnypelt. “why are you here??” but then she sees her children. she and rowanclaw give them a very stern lecture about Not Running Off Without Telling Anyone (in which tawnypelt is a massive hypocrite but to be fair god told her to)

in the meanwhile, blackstar asks dovekit how tf she knew they were there. “i could hear them, Obviously. ???? cant u not???” blackstar just looks at her. dovekit realizes that probably not everyone shares this ability. blackstar shoos her off and calls a meeting w/ the senior warriors.

dovekit goes off to bother purdy for stories and play w/ the tawnyspawn. nothing particularly interesting happens. blackstar and russetfur call her over later and start assessing her abilities. its only slightly a disaster because shes wildly distracted 80% of the time and her powers are unwieldy bc shes a kit.

cue training. there is a lot of trial, error, and tears (on both sides) but it works out in the end (mostly).

time skip. its been a few months. dovekit becomes dovepaw and blackstar mentors her b/c of her powers. at this point shes gotten control of how to pick out numbers, locations, troops, etc. basically she is a living radar.

blackstar calls another meeting w/ the senior warriors and afterwards calls a clan meeting. “alright losers we’re going to take back our territory and kick riverclan’s butt”

they go over the clan w/ all the cats and begin the trek home. another time skip because that takes a while and nothing particularly interesting happens.

when they get back, the clan stays outside the border while blackstar has dovepaw do a sweep of the territory. she finds a patrol led by a black cat named reedwhisker. blackstar picks a patrol out and they go to ambush the riverclan patrol.

the shadowclan patrol takes reedwhisker + the patrol hostage, but lets one go to tell mistystar. mistystar takes a patrol and comes over. “if you dont give us back our territory i will kill your son” says blackstar. mistystar is like “bro. i dont even want your stupid crusty territory anyways. screw you.”

she takes her son and the rest of the patrol and leaves. another win for shadowclan, obviously. maybe they have a party idk. end of book.

fading echoes

cinderheart has not been doing well. she’s been doing really badly, actually. her best friend died and she blames herself. she’s still grieving and continually lashing out at everyone around her. poppyfrost and honeyfern attempted to be there for her but after the continual rebuffs they decided to just give her space.

unfortunately cinderheart. doesnt have any other friends in thunderclan, so the only person she can talk to is lionblaze. unfortunately theres only so much he can do from windclan, so mostly shes been just been going into a downward spiral.

ivypaw hasnt been doing great either. she feels extremely guilty because she thinks its her fault that dovekit ran away, and when dovekit is never found, it gets 50x worse.

but she also doesnt want to say anything about her involvement in fear of getting punished. as time goes on, she starts getting babied by the clan (almost like leopardstar when she was a kid) because her sister disappeared and she took it really hard.

and like on one hand, she likes the attention, but on the other hand its too much a lot of the time. she starts adopting this “stop babying me!1!1!!!”/kinda edgy persona. the clan takes it like shes grieving, and she’ll grow out of it, so they dont say too much.

so the book opens w/ ivypaw and fernpaw’s apprentice ceremony. brief context about how fern was recently found by the thunderclan border w/o parents and taken into the clan. fernsong is apprenticed to brightheart. ivypool is apprenticed to cinderheart.

firestar probably thinks that they might be able to bond/break through to each other because they recently lost a sister/adjacent sister. neither of them are particularly enthusiastic about it.

cinderheart isnt particularly invested in ivypaw’s training. ivypaw can tell and gets rightfully frustrated, bc brightheart and fernpaw are getting along great and making lots of progress, while ivypaw is falling behind becuase cinderheart is being a terrible mentor.

ivypaw starts fighting back (disobeying, talking back, etc.), partially because this is the only time she gets paid attention, and partially because shes just mad, which makes cinderheart mad, which then makes ivypaw fight back more. this causes cinderheart to become more and more distant. in short: ivypaw’s apprenticeship is a disaster.

at some point during training, theyre practicing climbing trees and cinderheart tells ivypaw to do something. to spite her, ivypaw does the opposite and ends up falling, dislocating her leg. cinderheart panics and cinderpelt emerges.

cinderpelt basically possesses cinderheart and relocates her arm. they go back to camp and take ivypaw to the medicine cat den, gives ivypaw some poppy seeds and ditches.

“wow um. wtf was that” says cinderheart. leafpool is like, “hahaha………… about that. you’re um… cinderpelt reincarnated.”

“what.” says cinderheart

“CINDERHEART IS CINDERPELT REINCARNATED???” screams foxleap at the top of his lungs in the middle of camp. whatever was left of cinderheart’s life shatters.

so now instead of ignoring her, the entire camp won’t leave her alone - except now they just treat her as they would cinderpelt. “hey cinderheart remember when [enter something that happened in the old forest here]??” “hey cinderheart can you fix my paw??” “hey cinderpelt-” “are you going to become a medicine cat then??”

to pour more salt into the wound, cinderheart now gets a free commentary on everything in her life!! (this definitely includes lionblaze) there used to be sort of a barrier between cinderheart/cinderpelt but since cinderpelt emerged/took control, it shattered.

so between cinderpelt complaining about all the terrible decisions she’s made and the entire clan pretending that she’s cinderpelt instead of a Completely Different Person, when hawkfrost shows up w/ an invite to fight club on the weekends cinderheart is more than happy to take him up.

sure hawkfrost is wildly annoying and clearly hates her guts for some reason (no matter how hard he pretends not to whenever tigerstar is around) but this is great for three reasons.

1) nobody in the dark forest has any idea she’s cinderpelt. 2) warrior training!! emphasizing she is a Warrior not a medicine cat. 3) time away from cinderpelt!! they arent the same soul so they cant read each other’s thoughts (unless theyre trying to communicate) and cant share dreams

so she might be purposely oblivious. whatever. she doesnt even know who hawkfrost is b/c anybody outside of riverclan immediately forgot about him because he really was not very effective at all. and its not like hes about to start spilling the beans until shes ready to be indoctrinated w/ dark forest propaganda.

meanwhile, tensions between shadowclan and thunderclan have been rapidly rising. again. prey is being stolen, scents are on other territories, patrols get into skirmishes often.

firestar is hurt because he was trying to get mistystar to lay off on the territory and blackstar is mad because they literally Just got back and thunderclan is ALREADY trying to reinstate old rivalries.

cinderheart really isnt paying attention to what’s going on cuz shes. more than a little wrapped up in her own problems. until it turns into a war.

this battle feels way more vicious than normal. cinderheart tries to recall how this whole thing started and realizes she has absolutely no idea what tf is going on???

throughout the fight she notices weird stuff happening. mousewhisker and redwillow nod to each other. ratscar + blossomfall swap glances. applefur pulls snowbird off thornclaw’s back. literally wtf thinks cinderheart

and then russetfur takes a stab at firestar. out of nowhere, thornclaw goes for her throat. cinderheart barely saves russetfur in the nick of time - the injuries are bad enough that she is forced to retire.

“screw literally everyone in thunderclan except u” blackstar says pointing @ cinderheart “and i hope the rest of you rot in the dark forest.” he rounds the rest of shadowclan up and then leaves.

“well that was weird” says cinderheart. she goes off to find ivypaw and realizes that shes. not responding. oh thats a lot of blood-

cinderpelt pops up again and works w/ cinderheart to patch up ivypaw until she’s stable. they bring her into the medicine den together and let leafpool look her over. she says that they made it in time and ivypaw will live. she leaves to go look after the other patients, leaving cinderheart with her apprentice

cinderheart realizes that this is her fault. had she actually paid attention to ivypaw and given her proper training, this wouldn’t have happened. she resolves to try a lot harder to be a good mentor for ivypaw’s sake.

cinderpelt approves and apologizes for being so intrusive on cinderheart’s life. she really doesnt want to be in here either - this was a decision the idiots in starclan forced on her. she was taking it out on cinderheart, which wasn’t fair for her.

cinderpelt promises to try to give cinderheart as much privacy as she can (while trying to figure out how to get out of her brain). cinderheart thanks her. there’s a brief bonding moment.

cinderpelt says that since ivypaw seems stable she’s going to go to sleep now, since she exhausted herself earlier.

just as cinderpelt goes out to the back of cinderheart’s mind, blossomfall comes storming in about how cinderheart messed the plan up and how cinderheart screwed everything up for everyone & she’s a traitor to the cause, Honestly cinderheart you’re so useless-

“literally wtf are you talking about” says cinderheart

“you saved russetfur,” blossomfall says. “if we take out the leaders and deputies, we can destabilize the clans enough that taking over will be a piece of cake. are you a dark forest trainee or not, cinderheart?”

end of book

I feel bad about not contacting my spirit guides or families in a while but I’ve also been quite low on energy recently. Would you be able to help me figure out what I could do with them? I don’t want to fall out of touch with them and I worry ;-;

howdy! so i recorded a podcast episode to answer ur question but im a fool and forgot that i cant upload them very well, so I'm going to write out an answer for u in the meantime!

Number 1 thing to remember here: This shit is difficult!! It's difficult to keep up with physical humans for many people - now add on that these entities are noncorporeal and also oftentimes not human??? That's so many more layers of difficulty!

So don't beat yourself up if this has happened to you. It happens to many of us, even the most advanced and experienced practicioners 💙

That being said, I do want to emphasize that completely dropping out of contact with your entity friends for long periods of time without explanation or warning is not exactly acceptable in many situations. It's unacceptable in my family, and it's the same with many other people's. (But if this is fine in your situation and family, then don't let me stop you! As long as you're doing what works for both you and your spirit friends, then by all means keep that up!) This isn't to shame you or wag a finger at you, anon, this is just so that no one is going to walk away from this post thinking it's okay to abandon their spirit family 😅

Now, what /can/ you do to make sure you keep up with the fam? Well, what I've done in my personal situation is set aside one day a week where it's MANDATORY to talk to them and at least acknowledge their existence. We had a "family meeting" (these can also be quite helpful!) where we all set aside one day of the week - Thursday, in my case - where I am required to talk to them and do something with them. Otherwise, I do fall into the trap of thinking, "Oh I'll do something big for them tomorrow," "I'll set aside a half hour later," etc etc. This isn't to say that I don't want to talk to my companions and spend time with them; this is just how my brain works. It happens with my blood family, my best friend, and things I really look forward to.

Anyways, what I'd suggest is to start out with one day a week that works for your entire (or as close to the whole fam as u can get) entity group, and then have that day as your metaphysical day. You can still talk to them throughout the week, but it's MANDATORY that you at least acknowledge their existence and maybe say hello on that one day. If that goes well, try upping it to two days. Right now, I'm only able to handle one day, and even sometimes I mess that up.

Spirit work is often about give and take and finding compromises and what is going to realistically work for both you and the entities. It takes time, it takes frustration, it takes trial and error, and most of all it takes WORK. After all, we do call it spirit /work/, lol!

As for ideas for what activities to do with them, literally anything! Ask them for ideas if you want!

Here's a little list if you're really at a loss:

-Clean your room together

-Do art together

-Share and swap stories

-Have them teach you a song

-Go thru old photos on your device and delete ones you don't need anymore. My companions often help me decide which ones I actually should keep and which ones to get rid of!

-Cuddle!

-Dance around your room like maniacs

-Sing along to your favourite songs

-Make a playlist for them

-Make a moodboard or a Pinterest board or even a sideblog for them (or just a tag on your tumblr for their stuff!)

-Share a cup of tea or a snack

-Scroll through social media together

-Watch some tv or YouTube together

-Meditate together

-Light some incense or a candle for them or put on their favourite essential oil

-Go for a walk around the neighborhood

-Play hide and seek

-Do one of those tumblr ask games either on tumblr or just between yall

Hopefully that helps! Let me know how things go! My ask box and DMs are always open 😊💙

In which I play maddening classic with only Byleth and Dimitri and liveblog on discord 1/15/20 - 2/2/20

because if I’ve got to see a character die repeatedly, countless times, it might as well be dimitri.  

So I'm on maddening and classic with only dimitri and I’m going to kill off every other character. I heard if they reach 0 hp in part 1 they stick around the monastery and you can talk to them they just aren’t a part of your class anymore. Give me your blessings.

I died on the prologue! ... i dont have a healer... Death count:2

I am definitely new game+ cheating this for professor level and skills. I was thinking magic focused but she can't be too squishy... Gremory would help that. Also why do all the magic classes have bad growths. Give me a moving fortress of magic!

Ashe went down, 7 to go. Ch3 turned into a survival horror... but i made it out

Ch 6 is hell. Any idea for how to kill every last one of them in 25 turns with only byleth? Or alternately get to and take down the death knight. Only byleth and dimitri run. And no dimitri this chapter, Byleth's a thief

My main problem in crowd control. If i had infinite turns then i could agro them 1 by one... Maybe I've built byleth wrong and just don't have the stats. Is the warp route faster? Haven't tried that yet. In hindsight this was a bad idea for my first maddening run. I'm so used to not using byleth much that this is very different. Damn archers...  Got done in by chip damage the first time...

I I dont know what happened... but I beat the death knight.... I was expecting to die becausr i accidentally opened the door so i skipped what actually happened.... Next thing I know game is telling me i got a dark seal What  Did I crit? With a silver sword? Im in shock I DONT EVRN I dont even know if it was a crit! But byleth is thief so lethality is out of the question Maybe I should go give a sacrifice to rng god

so I was in shock but yeah I used the warp route and avoided fighting most of the enemies.

So i'm now at the winter ball chapter and felix is still alive (i've decided to off one character every chapter so Miklan downed sylvain. oh and first time through ch5 i accidentally stepped into range of one of the center archers so every unit rushed me and i died) and i tried felix's paralogue and wowo its impossible. Rodrigue dies in 2 attacks, outruns my healing and likes to charge headfirst into the enemy. My record so far is 3 turns before he dies. Might give up since this is optional.

(i eventually finished the paralogue but gave up saving anyone else so i didn’t even get anything good out of it)

The ally A.I. is sooo bad. Jeralt. Dad. Please stop getting yourself killed

Almightly Father in Heaven preserve me. I'm making dimitri learn reason.  maybe his rationale will start making sense no more moon logic for you boy

Hey. Why wont the game let me make dimitri a dark bishop

I need dark mage certification first? Or is the internet lying to me

Well dimitri is at c+ reason but I'm tired of grinding.  

got dimitri from c+ to b+ in a battle. But the boredom makes me want to cry.  Also might have miscalculated.... Fighting an assassin in a forest.... i have 35% hit and no other weapon. They have like 18% hit....  When will i be free...

I made dimitri into a dark bishop and he beat lysithea in the magic tournament.  Also just the thought of dimitri in slithers is funny to me

wrath is how i survived the sothis paralogue. crit everything

chasing the empire around in the hold tomb with 2 units was actually kinda fun

I cant believe that worked... Final battle of part 1. I charge down the middle. And it works 4 turns for infanty to cross the field... and it worked ... Welp i somehow made it to part 2 intact. Endless waves of reinforcement here i come

(Oh yeah and rng is punishing me right now by giving terrible level ups)

For the bridge is it best to go straight for the commander?

bridge wasn’t too bad but I was convinced to spare dedue so i had to fend enemies off him like ants to a dropped ice cream cone. if dedue reaches 0 hp or you don’t do his paralogue he dies in fhirdiad and I’m trying to get everyone off my party but not dead, soooo he’s along for the ride

I'm stuck on am ch 14 ... how do I defend 4 spaces when I have 2 units... Those pegasus knights keep dodging too... Damn pegasus knights.... without them i could just hold a choke point with 1 unit. I have 4 gambit uses maximum... Another thought I had is to out fly their flyers so I can shift byleth over quickly. if I take out randolf in delusional prince the map doesn't end. It just stops reinforcements right? 

Soo I tried to kill randolf but my movement is too low. It takes 3 turns to reach him...

Yup this is possible. But because I can't do things the quick way. I'll have to do the long way of waiting out the right side and then heading for randolf with byleth all the while holding out with dimitri in the center and hoping rng favors me for lije 20 turns

ALRIGHT WhIcH oF yOuSe a LIAR Sooo .... killing randolph does not stop reinforcements nor does it get you a victory, the fire attack is the only way. Time to go guard another npc with a death wish. Also Gilbert is unkillable in AM

FEAR ME The only way to beat a pegasus knight to to out pegasus knight the pegasus knight Falcon knight bae-by! I am unstoppable I. Am absolute (I am never doing this again)

Finally got past that defend 4 spaces with 2 units and endless reinforcements

I've figured out how to level grind since same level enemies are giving like 7exp each

Alright. Taking suggestions, on how to keep hilda and judith alive in golden deers plea.  Alternately, how to kill arundel in 2 thurns without archers destroying me.  With only byleth and dimitrti.  Right now I'm thibking retribution-> byleth and gunning it. Suggestions for abilities/battalions? My current thought is vantage, alert stance+, renewal, wrath, pavaise, and evasion ring and bridgid hunters

Well i can get to arundel before hilda dies but not judith. I'm starting a campaign to save judith. Please pledge your support on the indiegogo page below

whew judith and hilda and both alive! Stride was a good idea. just make a run for arundel. Kinda sad i didn’t get the aurora shield but eh I got the stat increases at least. I also tried propping up judith with byleth healing them but tanking doesn’t exist in maddening so that didn’t work.

I've been skipping cutscenes because there’s no one else there but gilbert

Things I have learned this playthrough: how to grind skills, how to grind levels, how to save scum level ups. 

I’m actually getting a lot of dialogue I missed before just because Byleth and Dimitri are taking down every single enemy unit

At fort merceus, and i want the black pearl.  And i'd like to avoid lindhardt and caspar.  I'm thinking 1: fly over nab the pearl and kill death knight.  2: wait it out and eliminate every last unit ob the map.  What turn does death knight start running? Or is when you get to a specific part of the map?  Or am i thinking of an entirely different map...

New plan. Forget everything else and kill death knight

I have beaten the death knight. I have beaten the impregnable fortress. 44% crit rate.  But I didn't get the black pearl in the treasure chest and i want my item so... i might redo the battle

Got my pearl. for an idea what the battle is like each turn each of the 2 units needs to be on one specific tile for the best chance of survival, if they die i usually had to restart the battle or change something to get a reroll. and you do this for like 5 turns learning the combinations with a mix of guesswork and trial and error. you also need to move quickly because if 4 units surround you, you’ll be stuck until you’ve defeated every single enemy unit on the map or more likely you die.

Ok story time.  So I'm on ch 21 of AM now and aux battle no longer give me exp so my only way of leveling is healing (the exp curve is brutal). Even with the double use of bishop, i'm running down to the wire getting 1 level up/battle (plus the next battle where they gain stats for its more like 1 level/2 battles). I ran out of healing with like 500exp left to go so i restarted but by the end of the 20 heals and 10 recovers I had a different number and now I’m confused Reddit is telling me turn count? Affects exp gain?

Anyways I'm in enbarr.  One of the many wonderful things about playing with only dimitri and byleth is that you can't change their starting positions in battles

Wow i did that on my first try. O.o  Huh that actually worked... Good thing hubert is squishy. spared dorothea and petra too. huh.

I just had a realization... on the last map of AM. If I apply retribution to everyone... could I kill edelgard with that without having to cross the room? Hmmmm must try it out

Nope cant counter attack. Good thing enemy units on this map are acting defensively and only attack when you go into range.  If they swarmed me I'd be dead (again)

Once you reach a certain tile they do swam... i lasted like 4 turns... need to clear the room to stop reinforcements...

(its impossible to stop reinforcements with 2 units on maddening. once you get to the throne room a new wave comes each turn. but clearing the rooms before hand buys you time before you are overwhelmed). To give an idea of what’s going on aux battles are aprox 10 levels below my units. regular enemies are about the same level (so each is a threat and my 2 units can die on any turn) and bosses are usually a couple levels higher.

Hehehehe I am so powerful I have beaten maddening with only byleth and dimitri (Dedue came along for the ride too but was never deployed to battle)

The final AM wasn't as hard as some of the others (defending garreg mach) but boy is it long.  I think my final turn count was in the 50s.  Also the credit screen character battle  count maxes out at 999

I think I got dimitri and byleth up to like 70 base crit last playthrough. Plus wrath and defiant crit almost garunteed each hit was a crit.

nope it was more like base 120 crit

In the end for both dimitri and byleth I used rng based builts around avoid and critical hits (after i figured out what the hell i was mid way through part 1). dimitri went through the brawler line and then split time between war master and great lord. Byleth went up the thief line to assassin and then falcon knight. for both of them i also got most of the class skills.

considering this was my first maddening or classic run, I looked at 0 strategy guides (like an idiot) and had no idea what i was doing in the beginning, I’d say I did pretty well for myself.

oh and I was mistaken about something, if a unit reaches 0 hp in part one they die off screen during the timeskip (except gilbert to my despair) so there was no real point to sparing dedue. I really do hate gilbert, it seems no matter what you do you are stuck with him all of AM. there is no salvation. and this is why i skipped all the cutscenes this time around.

Dedue didn’t have much if any influence on the playthrough. Dedue was never deployed in any of the chapter battles but he did tag along as an adjunct (no weapon equipped) in aux battle sometimes because I felt bad for leaving him out all the time (that and dedue pops up later in battle on the map in part 2 and if he was still a level 1 commoner i would have 0 chance of beating the map since enemies rush him). so him leveling up was to negate the consequences of keeping him alive. If i had gotten him killed i wouldn’t have to worry about keeping him alive later. By the time I got to part 2 the skill gain from tutoring was negligible compared to the amount gained from grinding in battles, also both units were starting to max out on skills (S+) so choosing to explore the monastery gave little benefit. Interestingly, you can’t do a lot of the monastery activities if you only have 1 student (choir, dining, etc). So even after Dimitri stops loafing around, having dedue there for eating meals and stuff wouldn’t have helped and I’d choose battle anyways.

I now know more about how the game works than I ever wanted to... For example the calculations for any probability check (hit/miss, crit, level ups, pass/fail) are long done by the time you see them. so to reroll the dice so to speak you have to go back a certain amount of time (varies for each thing. Level up stats are determined before you enter the battle field so you have to reload a save on or before the preparations screen. Whether you pass/fail a certification is already determined by the time you reach as given calendar date, so you have to reload to before that day. If you divine pulse a 95% hit rate that your unit missed to right before any action is taken with that unit, they will still miss. With only 2 units you will probably have to rewind to the previous turn, but with a full party you need to go back at least a few units but I don’t know the exact number. More or less forcing the game to run at least one different probability calculation than your target will reset whatever result was determined for your target.

When you have an infinite number of iterations, even the most unlikely outcomes eventually come to pass.

This run was  60% luck, 35% perseverance,  4% "grinding", 1% skill, 100% pain

edit: 5/1/2020: looking back, i was a stubborn idiot (as usual) for refusing to look up strategies or other solo maddening runs that people had already done. i can definitively say omegarevolution dealt with the defend map far better than i did. i never even considered +20hit to deal with falcon knights

oh yeah and i don’t have dlc or the nintendo online subscription so i couldn’t use any of that.

Heyyyy. I feel kinda bad asking for your help for free. But how did you make King’s fur colourful and textured? I have the millennium cat in Daz and it doesn’t actually have any colour/fur options and I can’t find any in the store.

Hello there! I am SO SORRY for responding so late. This is actually a really good fucking question, that took me FOREVER to find an answer to when I was trying to figure King out. 

So, you actually cant do it with millennium cat :/ I don’t think? I’m sure there are ways, but honestly, millennium cat is not the best cat you can get. 

I 10/10 recommend investing in Hivewire House Cat. It’s 30 USD, which is fucking expensive for just a model. I got mine on sale, which they do every so often. If you put it in your wishlist on Renderosity, sometimes they do wishlist sales. Where everything in your wishlist they put on sale. So you can wait around for that, or you can just buy it. I recommend the hell out of it. 

***Very important. Downloading files from Renderosity and other websites that do not use the Download Manager from Daz’s own shop, can be v confusing. I have a MAC. There are a shit ton of tutorials on youtube on how to download these files on a Windows computer. But from a MAC, it took me for fucking ever. So if you would like a tutorial on how to download assets from other 3D rendering websites like Renderosity, please let me know! I’ve figured out a really simple way of doing it and I would be more than happy to help and the same goes for finding those files once you have them correctly situated in DAZ!***

Here’s why I recommend Hivewire. 

Millennium isn’t as detailed as Hivewire is. Millennium is a v old cat model, with only a few bones and no really helpful sliders in ‘Shaping’ and ‘Parameters’.

Just as a visual, here are these two side by side. On the right is Millennium and on the right is Hivewire. Millennium, for some reason, comes ridiculously oversized. Whereas Hivewire is automatically at the proper size for a common housecat.

Here are the Millennium ‘Parameters’ options:

And the Hivewire ‘Parameter’ options:

Even just looking at the size of the sidebar, there’s a big fucking difference. Hivewire is 10x more customizable. And everything that it comes with is already IRAY compatible. 

With all that being said, lets get into Hivewire House Cat. Because really, although Millennium is cheaper, I really don’t think it’s worth it. 

HHC (hivewire house cat) comes as a Tabby. The Tabby option comes with several different color options. You can also buy Black/White (which I used for King), Calico, and Orange Tabby as well. 

Here’s my black/white and gray tabby options:

However, the colors are not the long hair. In the promotional photos for some of these color options, the cats have long hair and it took me FOR FUCKING EVER to figure out how to do it. LUCKILY IT’S FREE THANK FUCKING GOD. 

So, lets get into that!

HHC comes with a LAMH (Look At My Hair) option! What does that mean? It means that you can easily add fur to these creatures. 

You can buy LAMH or you can get the free version. I recommend the free version. It’s what I have and if you’re only using it for this, then you gucci. Pretty much, to use LAMH, you have to download it from the website. Once that is done, in Daz you go to 

It should pull up this window. You can drag it anywhere on your workspace. 

Change the color of your kitty BEFORE you go onto the next steps. Unless you want to mix and match, which we’ll get into later!

So what do you do next - good question. 

Now you have to download the LAMH Presets from the Hivewire website. 

This. was so. fucking. annoying to figure out. with a lot of trial and error. 

Once you have LAMH presents for HHC downloaded (which comes with Short, Short 2, and Long) you can start attaching them to your cat. 

Make sure you have your cat selected. I HIGHLY recommend putting this in a new ‘document’ (?) so nothing else can interfere. I swear to god, this makes my program crash unless I don’t have it in a new field. Your program may crash. It’s annoying but the harsh reality of this thing. It’s about as finiky as dforce. So just keep that in mind and don’t give up. 

After your cat is selected, hit ‘Attach LAMH Preset’. It’s going to pull up your files. Find the LAMH presets you downloaded from the hivewire website (they can remain in a folder all on their own without being integrated into the program) and select how long you want the hair to be - Short, Short 2, or Long.  

I chose Long

It’s going to load and then all this green stuff is going to cover the HHC and in ‘Scene’ it’s going to have a new selection called HHC LAMH Group.

The next steps are really simple, but also really fucking important. 

Now, you are going to choose the hair quantity. Online you can find in different  forums, the hair quantity that people have chosen. I’ve seen the standard 250,000, 600,000, all the way to 2,000,000. YOU DO NOT NEED 2,000,000. Not even 1,000,000! I nearly always go with 600,000. The cat looks nice and full that way. I say, stay between 250,000 and 600,000. Don’t go any higher or your program will surely crash. 

***also, you can pose your figure with this. It will move with it. But, some poses will not work v nicely with LAMH - especially if it’s long haired. Anything too tightly curled, probably wont work.***

I’m going to go with 500,000 and hit ‘to OBJ’. I recommend saving this as you go. Like with every step, just hit save. Like I said, this crashes all the time and it’s extremely annoying to have to redo the steps over and over. So just save it and in turn, save yourself the headache. 

Once you hit ‘to OBJ’, this dialogue is going to pop up. Click ‘Yes’ then ‘OK’

Cool cool cool. everythings loaded, now wtf do you do? Use the eyes under HHC LAMH Group to make the green stuff disappear. DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT DELETE. 

This is just so you can see your kitty with their little fur!!

Okay, you did all these steps. now fucking what? I think this is important to be said, but pose your cat BEFORE you attach the hair. It makes the hair fall more organically that way. Otherwise, it can not only make your program crash but just look weird. So, pose and position your kitty beforehand. So when you merge it into your original file, it’s already in place and you can go straight to rendering. (Leave LAMH for last. Always.)

Cool cool cool you did all of this. You can now pull up the AUX Viewport tab and see what your kitty be lookin like.

Now. I said earlier that you can mix and match. I didn’t know this was a thing, until i made a mistake and REALIZED it was a thing. For King, I wanted her to be black and white. However, homegirl forgot to do that. so after I had all of her fur already on and finished, I clicked one of the black and white options, and all of a sudden it mixed?!?! So I think what happened here, was that I had King as a tabby, or maybe mainly white. I don’t know. And when I attached the fur, the color from her original ‘skin’ also attaches to the fur, in order to give it color. Well, when I changed it afterwards, it ended up mixing her up. So instead of her turning out like this (which is what I originally had her as):

She came out like this:

Unfortunately, I have NO IDEA HOW I GOT TO THIS. So although King is looking fucking FIRE here, I couldn’t use it. :( 

Ugh, anyway. Another really important thing to keep in mind, is that you don’t want the hair to be too thin. I’m almost positive for both of these models, I used 600,000 hairs. I went lower than that for a picture of king in the office, and her hair came out extremely thin and you could see her body through it. It wasn’t a good look for her (Sorry bb girl). So if your number is too low, it will look off. Like a mangey cat lol. 

Example: 

250,000

500,000

This is a small difference, but they look far more filled out. And you can really tell when you have a stronger light source!

Heres one with King when her fur was literally just too thin. I think this was 250,000 as well. 

ANYWAY.

I hope this helps!!! And I’m sorry this came so late. I know it’s really long so anyone reading this going what the fuck, ignore it lmfaoo. 

If anyone would like an indepth tutorial on how to download external files and where to find them, please let me know! I’d love to help!

So this school lunches thing got me thinking about the way my abusive stepmother treated me as a child.

Thats as much of a trigger warning as you’re getting cause I think its better to process things than avoid them...  I have time to write and this is on my mind this second. Writing is a huge part of how I process things... so here we go.

So i passed on a post cause our local school system is offering free lunches for any kids under 18, which is great. I’m a big proponent for school lunches because growing up my evil stepmother didnt feed me right. and I was a rich kid so i think there was a lot of expectation that i was being taken care of in a way that I was not.

My stepmothers whole thing.. my family’s whole thing.. was pretending we were a normal family. Presenting that way to the outside world. Even in our house there was a huge degree of this. Which made it worse for me because it was so easy for people to assume i was just a weird kid when the signs presented themselves to people who could have helped me.

Anyway since i grew up and especially after she died, so many people told me that of course they noticed things weren’t right and of course they said something and fought for me. I never knew that until recently. So as nice as it is to hear, it didn’t help me live through those 8 or so years she was in charge of me.

At home she fed me candy.  and ice cream. cupcakes, etc. and that’s all. Breakfast was one cup of hot cocoa with two packets of mix in there that was always like a clumpy syrup at the bottom of the cup. After school was candy until my dad got home and we would all sit at the table and pretend to eat a meal together. She would give me the tiniest portion of meat or any real food and then tell my dad how I “eat like a bird”. which is nonsense. He never questioned it any further than that. 

On weekends when I had to eat at home I was allowed noodles and butter, mac and cheese and not a lot else. just pasta. When I got older, I would actually sneak eggs and tuna when she wasnt home. I’m sure she noticed these things going missing but what was she gonna do after I ate it? 

She had a lot of rules on me for every single thing. That didn’t make any sense. Where i was allowed to go, where i was allowed to sit, who i was allowed to talk to.. and i just mean in the house on a regular day... I wasnt allowed to use the upstairs bathrooms at all, i had to use the guest bathroom downstairs and I wasn’t allowed to bathe or shower, but when I got older i started sneaking showers when she was gone as well. 

I’d hear the garage door close as she was leaving and I’d be showering and eating tuna and trying my best to cover up my tracks before she got back. 

All this started gradually... wasnt at once or anything so when it started i was like 8 give or take.. and we moved a couple of times so more rules were put in place as i was moved further away from the neighbors who looked after me. When i was 10 we moved to a different city where I knew no one and i was on my own. Inside my own home. I just had to deal with it till i grew up. But it got much worse before it got better. By the time i was around 14, i was dealing with growing up stuff.. by the time I was 16 she really couldn’t control me anymore, so stuff like what i ate or where I sat or if I showered... i just one day figured out that if i just do things she usually cant or wont stop me. 

She used to steal my things and i didn’t have a hairbrush for years. I wasnt allowed to bathe, or do my laundry and I didn’t have a hairbrush, so you can imagine I looked like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. She told my teachers I liked being like that or something. One of my gym teachers humiliated me once by forcing me to stay after class and shower as if i was just gross and she was solving the problem. She just humiliated me on top of all i was suffering, so i didn’t look to teachers to help me. 

My evil stepmother was physically abusive to me as well but that was the easy part. She would just go into rages and take it out on me if i didn’t obey her nonsensical rules which were impossible to follow anyway. She would come and attack me while I was asleep any morning my father left for work early. Most mornings. A normal morning for me..... She would wake me up by dragging me out of bed by my hair, onto the floor, out of my room, into the hall, around the corner and down the stairs and leave me at the bottom of the stairs to start my morning routine getting dressed and ready for school. 

Then I watched cartoons in the TV room by myself and drank the chocolate sludge till it was time to get on the bus to go to school where all the kids hated me because i was gross and I spent all day getting teased and taunted till I came home and went back to the TV room where she would either bring me candy or come in an attack me and pull my hair out. I wouldn’t know which one she was coming in the room for until she was doing it. There was a lock on the door and I would lock her out when she was being violent but she had the lock removed. Lied to the locksmith and my dad and made them believe there was a reason to take the lock out, so I started locking myself in the bathroom.

By the time I was 16, I was a much more imposing figure she couldn’t control completely anymore. I was washing myself and i was dressing myself so i didn’t look so dorky and maybe people started liking me at school. I got super lucky that a girl actually became my friend at school. She was not only super-independent but she had a car so she could pick me up and drive me away and she had a job working at a laundromat so i was able to wash my clothes for free and spend time away from home and learn how to grow up into a person who could do something besides just stay alive. 

But clear up to the very end of high school school lunches were my main source of nutrition. My evil stepmother was letting me eat pizza by then too. For her, being fat was the worst possible thing I guess so she just tried her best to fatten me up feeding me only carbs while both her daughters grew up to become anorexic. 

The first day I was actually on my own ever.. I was in England and I had just slept off the jet lag in my new rented room that was just for me. I wasnt on any program or plan. I wasn’t at college, nobody was in charge of me...  i was just there. just me and this rented room and I woke up in the morning with nothing and realized i needed to feed myself. I went to McDonald’s and got a vanilla milkshake and realized i have no idea how to feed myself like a normal person. 

I had to start that day and figure every single thing out for myself via trial and error about how to be a person in the real world.

That woman only had control of me for 8 years of my life and then I went out into the world and became a real person after that. She didn’t break me or destroy me. She did, however, destroy my family.

Its my dad’s fault for letting her. I’ve always felt this way. He was the adult. He was the only one who could have stopped it but instead he spent his time pretending everything was OK. I didn’t know until recently that literally EVERYONE told him, so he was willfully ignorant. He sacrificed his own children for this facade of a relationship with this woman. I can’t explain why a person does that, but he left me and my brother to fend for ourselves.

Which we did and we are ok. 

I don’t care what happened to her or her daughters. She basically stole the life I should have had and gave it to her children, but from what little i know about them from the outside is that they had their own problems which seem much harder to get past than what I had to deal with. 

I don’t mourn the loss of that life i never had any more than I mourn the life that we pretended we were having that we never were. 

I only wish I’d known back then the enormous power I really had if i’d only just kept on telling everyone who would listen truth. If i had told everyone everything at every turn i would have saved myself. I didn’t know that at the time. I was just a kid and I gave up because i didn’t believe anyone was listening once my most trusted adult didn’t believe me. I suffered until I grew up and didn’t have to suffer anymore. 

I am an emotionally healthy adult for the most part. I’m not without scars. It’d be impossible to come out of that unscathed. I’m perpetually single because being alone is safe and comforting for me. Because when people come in, you don’t know if they’re going to attack you or give you candy but neither one of them is what you really need. 

I flailed around for a lot of years as an adult trying to figure out how to take care of myself. I finally got it right after my boyfriend in the late 90s dumped me and I wasn’t dealing well when my best friend died and everything just burned down around me and i had to rebuild everything from scratch slowly and methodically starting with cleaning my kitchen and i found the flylady.org who put me on the path to getting my house cleaning under control and then the rest of it followed. 

Now i actually clean other peoples houses for a living.

We always had housekeepers and those ladies were the best women to me ever in my life and I’m proud to see that I’ve followed in their footsteps. These are the women who cared for me. These are the women who were kind to me. These are the women who worked hard for what they had instead of marrying rich and stealing from their cash-cow’s children. 

I didnt get the evil stepmother until I was around 7 or 8 years old but i had plenty of great parenting, people who loved me, people who took great care of me and taught me to be smart before I got there. I believe this is how I survived. 

School lunches, other people’s good parents, and good role models on my TV. And Rock and Roll, which became a real source of empowerment, an outlet for stress, and a way for me to meet people who became friends as I got older. 

I love all the true crime stories of how abused children grow up and somewhere around puberty they rebel and their abuser can’t control them anymore. I think this is how so many of us get away. We become adults. Probably best you don’t kill your abuser, but there’s some part of that tragedy i can’t help but like when you find out people like Gypsy Rose Blanchard was suffering for so long so she did something about it. 

I never did shit. 

I grew up and got away and that’s good enough. This woman didn’t give a fuck about me and until i got away from her and my dad pretending everything was fine and her daughters going along with it all, I was never going to have my own real life... which i deserved to have. 

Glad i wasnt so trapped i felt like i had to kill her to get away. She was more than happy to let me go away so I was already gone years before i realized i didnt have to let her control any part of my life at all. 

Seems so dumb i still played along for so many years after I was grown and moved away. It’s just the way things were for so long i just kept doing it. 

Until one day my younger sister was getting married and she called me to ask me to be in the wedding and im like...... you dont even like me, why would you want me in your wedding? and she said she orig only wanted her sister but they needed more bridesmaids or something.. maybe that was other sisters wedding.. i cant remember but it was stupid and had nothing to do with me and i was not gonna put my life on hold and spend all this money to travel states away to pretend any of this mattered to me so that was it. 

It was over. Finally.  Totally over.  All I had to do was just not live like that anymore. 

and I did. I live however I want to now. 

So fast forward to present time and im in my early 50s and i get a call says the evil stepmother is dead and my dad is still alive but only barely. My first inclination is to scoop him up and go thank goodness thats over, but unfortunately i doubt he saw it that way. and instead it ended with me trying to contact him directly and not through my step-sister but it was impossible and disappointing since she was still trying to act like the middleman i didn’t ask for but not providing any useful information or assistance in communicating with him.  She wanted me to call him even though he can’t hear so a phone call was just going to be more of the pretending everything is fine I refuse to take part in anymore.

I wrote him a letter directly asking him to take his time and write me back but all i got back was more interference from her and more insistence that i call him. Which I never did..... because he can’t hear. so what’s the point. He died shortly after that and i knew almost nothing about what was happening or not happening at any point.  

So he’s gone now too. Buried with the wife and one of the sisters who committed suicide a few years back. Growing up in a family like this isn’t good for anyone even if you aren’t the target for the abuse. All three of them are gone and im not sorry im glad for it. 

Their dead bodies can lie in the ground pretending they were a good family and no one walking by them ever has to know the truth. That’s how they lived their lives and that’s how they’ll rest forever. 

I expect to have a lot of life left to live and i’m going to do it on my own terms and be kind to people and not value money or other people’s perceptions of me over everything.