#i cant even get myself into therapy or get myself to a fucking doctor.
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#Cade.vnt#I complain a lot about shit on here so im sorry but haha things fucking suck n i hate everything.#i wanna curl into a ball and just rot here.#evrrything costs so much money i cant do anything. getting shut off notices for everything.#being alive is so fucking expensive and i am so damn tired of trying anymore.#im just exhausted. im tired. everything keeps gettibg worse. i wanna sleeop#i cant even get myself into therapy or get myself to a fucking doctor.#i have no energy for anything anymore.#i wish things could just be ok for a little while n things could be easier.#why is living so expensive
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I was having a good day today for the first time since like…august and then someone said something and I’ve spiralled into anxiety grip ‘imworriedimworriedimworriedimworried’ brain and I’ve spoiled my night fr
#I’m just exhausted of existing this way#I’ve asked for advice and everyone tells me I need therapy or a doctor or something but I can’t make myself book an appointment#I need someone to *care* enough to help me do it but there’s no one who’s bothered and that just fucks me up more#*more#I physically can’t ask for help. I fill out the web form and then delete it before I send it. I start the conversation and then cant explain#how I feel or what help I need or I downplay it or joke my way out of it#and none of it is on purpose I just can’t ask for help#never have been able to#even when I was at school if I didn’t understand something I’d just…sit there and not understand instead of asking for help#idk I just#it’s like barriers come down in my brain that say NO SHARING NO#if I’m mid convo trying to talk about my feelings my tongue physically cannot handle the words#it feels like it swells up or something and I can’t get the words out or make the noise to talk and it sucks#I do agree yes talking therapy might be good for me but again like#where do I go? How do I find the right person to listen who will hear me out? how do I afford it? why would anyone want to listen to me?#thorn screams into the void
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AHHH
#i haven’t said anything in a bit but hot guy at work update#he is??? being so nice to me??? i cant tell what this means??? he’s usually kinda abrasive and loud#not that that’s a bad thing. just a general observation#but he’s been being so nice to me and it is almost scary#not in a bad way just in an unfamiliar way because he has shown me a level of care that even some of my family hasnt shown me#for context i am really mentally ill and am unmedicated and not in therapy or getting any help#mostly because the field of psychology has let me down in the past and it scares me to tread in those waters again#i also have mommy issues but but not the fun kind#the ‘its been almost 4 years since ive said a single word to her’ way#but anyways. this guy offered to help me set up a doctor’s appointment since he has experience in that area due to his brother#he offered to go to the hospital with me if i was scared#he also talked to his mom about me and he said she would like to meet me#he also wants me to meet her because in his words ‘you need a mother figure in your life that actually cares.’#im not gonna lie i teared up at that shit#i am#so confused#i just wanted to fuck him before im ngl but he is so nice and has me feelin real crushy#like i caught myself daydreaming about making a meal with him earlier???#what is happening??????
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ive ranted about this to my friend like 3 times this week but ill rant again because im just so fed up and angry.
21st century american capitalism is so dismal. we put everything behind a paywall. you cant exist without paying money and you cant go anywhere or do anything without paying.
you have to pay to be born and you have to pay to survive. if you cant pay to survive, you have to pay to die. theres no escaping it.
most jobs in the usa require a college degree, but a lot of people cant afford to go to college. its honestly infuriating that people cant get the jobs they want because the education is so expensive. why do i have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to the government so i can get a job that will probably only barely keep me afloat in todays economy?
why do we pay writers and artists so little when they are one of the most vital parts of society. where would we be without the painters and authors who create beautiful scenes and impactful stories?
weve overcomplicated society so much that you have to jump through so many financial hoops to just, exist. you have to have insurance for everything. everything costs so much. why do i have to pay over 2 dollars for a bottle of water at work? why are the bags of candy 5 dollars?
all of this just makes everyone miserable, no doubt. i had a conversation with 5 other people and all of us have had severe depression/anxiety, had to be medicated, or needed a lot of therapy/not been able to afford it. and im not stigmatizing therapy in any way. if i could afford it, i would absolutely go, but my job doesnt pay much, so even one session would set me back so far regarding money.
the fact that its so normal for 11-13 year olds to start experiencing severe depression is so concerning. its almost like a rite of passage. ask anyone in gen z if they were depressed in middle school and theyll probably say "yeah." thats concerning.
young people's suicide rates have risen over 50% in the past 10 years. 42% of gen z considered suicide in 2021-22. the fact that i know 3 or 4 people (myself included) who have attempted suicide before age 16 or 17 is insane.
we're so depressed about the future and reasonably so. its so bleak. the world is burning, people are killing each other over such trivial things, nobody listens to each other, and the government is just going insane. how badly do you have to screw up to make a 13 year old want to kill themself because they feel like the future is so bleak?
how badly do you have to screw up to prevent so many people from going to college and getting jobs to support themselves?
how badly do you have to screw up to bar people from something as simple as going to the doctor and earning a basic living wage?
and to think that there are still people who think this is fine. there are some people who sit back and say this all makes sense, that it makes sense that you have to pay thousands of dollars for a few stitches in your hand if you have a cooking accident, that you have to insure every last bit of your life, that people killing each other over ideological differences is natural and cant be helped.
america needs to wake the fuck up and get shit done. its destroying its own future. its making the future generation kill itself because of how miserable it is. fucking do better and maybe you wouldnt burn to the ground in a dumpster fire
#rant post#rant#tw sui ideation#tw sui attempt mention#tw mental health#tw mental illness#anti capitalism#everyone is insane :)#american bullshit#gen z culture#gen z shit
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i just read a little life and here's a messy review of the book by saying my opinion on people's takes on it
[THERE WILL BE SPOILERS] also dont expect this to be professional etc
i want to start off by saying that this book is like willem's movie "life after death"; either people absolutely loved it or people hated it. and i fucking love this. would i be rereading it? probably not. but would i think of jude for the rest of my days? yes.
the thing i keep reading about from the people who didnt like it is that a) it's a trauma porn, b.) it's lengthy with various of unnecessary parts, and c.) its just a sad book with a sad ending.
something that i dont really understand is people's need and urge and want to always, always read a book expecting a happy ending. ("and books lied, they made things prettier"). spoiler alert: life isnt like that! its ugly and u cant always run away from its ugliness, no matter how hard you try. no matter how hard jude tried. and i always had this hunch, when i was first reading it, that it wont end the way i'll like it, but still i hope and hope and hoped for jude and for all of them, and thats just the Human part of me. my in denial.
as someone who struggled from mental health, i actually guiltily thought in the middle of the book, "why hasnt he k!lled himself yet?" even before jude's attempt. i cant handle the thought of putting myself in his situation and pushing through, and that's the reality as well. you thought about it and yet , complying to it somehow makes you think that the hyenas won. that brother luke won, that dr traylor won. and the thing about jude is he always try. he tried to get through life, he tried to accept romance in his life, he tried and he tries to accept everyone's devotion and help because even though he feels like he doesn't deserve it; he feels like he owes them that at least. to try.
i can see how people, especially the first ones when it just came out, may be put off by the tones and the topics of this book, but as years went by and it grows in popularity, the trigger warnings had been set. one thing ive set my mind to when i bought the book is the advice i was given: to only read it when im in a stable stage of my life, and that's why it took me almost a year before i started reading it after buying it. the triggers are listed for anyone to see. YES. those things do happen in real life. those things, esp the rape and physical mental and verbal abuse DO come in hand majority of the time. the book is not trauma dumping or a trauma porn: it simply tells. (imo, its on YOU if u think this is a trauma porn. imo, it says a lot about you as a person).
the book is lengthy because it is intended to be, the "unnecessary parts" are not just fillers but a stepping stone to unraveling jude's past, to fully grasp the situation. they are there for a reason. you can skim through the book if you want to avoid them: but believe me when i say you wont fully get the book if you do. the book is not meant to be enjoyed. its meant to tell a story, to make you feel things for the characters, may it be pity or joy or anger.
jude is not meant to be understood or to help or to be pitied at, hes meant to exist. and those things are something that was given to him willingly by the people he loved. and the characters are all flawed. andy is a bad doctor, willem is lovable and maybe had too much love, malcolm is perfect (i love him so much), jb is infuriating most of the times, harold shouldve pushed more. they all shouldve pushed more, but they cant. because the way they love is also flawed and it gets in the way, because judy is also flawed. hes stubborn and confusing. but those are traits that makes them all human.
ive reblogged this before but ill say it again: ik its a meme, but not everything can be solved through therapy. again, it took jude YEARS to finally tell willem his past– willem. willem who jude probably trust with his life, who he lets help him and seeked out for him when he was bleeding to death from cutting too much. you think jude would talk to a shrink he barely knows? someones whos literally paid to talk to him? not even jb and malcolm knew.
smth i wanna address that i rlly dont get is people who claims it's homophobic, and i really and genuinely cant see it, as a lesbian person myself. every talk about sexuality (if there even is any thats worth noting for this part), had come naturally. everyone existed how people exist with each other. even when willem and jude got together, theres barely any talk about willem's sexuality. also, hot take (/s): sexuality is confusing!! not everyone wants to label themselves. ive known multiple ppl who majorly likes girls only, but have fallen for their recent boyfriend. it happens, surprise! not everyone wants to put themselves in a box.
in conclusion: i think people expects this book to turn out for the better as a psychological response. surprise, it doesn't. my opinion? it's not meant to be enjoyed. i dont recommend this to anyone but only because it IS devastating and im a sadist if i want people to experience those feelings the book will brought. however, the characters, the delivery of the story and the pacing, and hanya's god bowing writing style are what makes this book GREAT. great ≠ happy ending, just like how sad ending ≠ bad book. thanks!
#a little life#jude st francis#willem ragnarsson#jb marion#malcolm irvine#harold stein#book review#rant
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Tag game! nine people you’d like to get to know better
tagged by @grizzlybutch ! thanks bitch!
last song: Soul Blind - Phantom Pool
favorite color: Red. nothing beats a deep, crimson red. also not a colour but a close second would be rainbow i love rainbow stuff
currently watching: Twin Peaks! into season 2 now, i LOVED seeing David Duchovny crossdress. thank you Mr. Lunch and associates. it's very much going off the rails at this point but still entertaining and really funny
sweet/savory/spicy: all of these are good in proper measure. i probably like spicy the most, followed by sweet, then savoury. i often find foods too savoury and drinks too sweet for my liking but little is too spicy for me. i do love the pain
relationship status: single. which is okay. thankfully because of my awesome friends i can fuck and cuddle basically whenever i need to. but i cant really handle a relationship rn and im in therapy to address why :/
current obsession: been playing lots of Omori recently. its a fun game with a nicely dark story. not gonna lie even though i looked up the triggers beforehand i was still really really scared about what the fuck the big dark secret was but then i learned and luckily that sorta thing doesnt bother me :3 on my second playthrough now doing the omori route. i really liked the endings in the Sunny route
last thing you googled: 'red arrow png' for that image i made for anon. can't be fucked to draw one myself
tagging: @horse-doctor @koloss-part-2 @caribougutsludge @thatsoup @selfmaderibcageman @doggiewoggiez @alloftheangels @cerberusgirldick @catgirlmouse and uh if we're mutuals and you wanna do this consider yourself tagged. non-mutuals submit an application for consideration with 3-5 busienss days
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Hey i am also anti psych as an institution but im also in therapy and on meds because I cant function.............. do you believe the meds can benefit me or am i just lining their pockets at my own detriment? im not about taking medical advice from tumblr but i have been looking for more opinions because im not knowledgeable on this and i want to read
I'm the first to admit that some people do in fact benefit from their meds, I'm one of those people to some extent. I am pretty happy with a few of my prescriptions. but on a larger scale, there are certain classes of medications that are widely prescribed that I believe do far more harm than good in the way they're currently being used.
the most harmful of these are antipsychotics. I used to be on one & I now refuse to take it, APs are just a chemical lobotomy, they literally shrink your brain over time + make you balloon up & give you diabetes, tardive dyskinesia, etc, thats just the tip of the iceberg. literally every single schizophrenic client I had who had been on APs for a long time had a million physical health issues bc of them & most were very lethargic to the point of falling asleep during group therapy.
while APs do have their uses in extremely severe cases, the big problem with them is that doctors aren't just prescribing them as a short term silver bullet to deal with severe psychotic episodes, as they ought to. they are handing them out like candy to anyone & everyone, from people with PTSD to curmudgeonly elderly patients to literal children, usually "difficult" ones in the foster care system, prison inmates with MH conditions-even people with nothing more than mild depression get given APs. and it's all bc big pharma sent their pill pushers out with bogus fraudulent studies exaggerating the positive effects & downplaying the negative ones so that they could make more money off meds that ought to be a very rare Rx.
this is also my primary issue with the second most harmful class of MH drugs, benzos. they work phenomenally when taken /as needed/ to stop panic attacks but psychs who prescribe them as a long term every day solution need to have their licenses taken away & I'm so serious about that. benzo withdrawal is the worst there is, you can literally die from it & it lasts YEARS with an insane amount of horrible side effects including rebound anxiety. I know people who trusted that their psychiatrist knew best & took xans for mild anxiety & now they literally cannot get off them, they are physically & mentally addicted & it's more difficult to kick than a heroin addiction (not exaggerating). well, guess who's a paying pharma patient for life now? how convenient.
SSRIs (as well as SNRIs) are another extremely commonly prescribed class that's come under fire recently due to the fact that the studies showing their efficacy were discovered to have been completely falsified. they literally don't do what the pharma companies claimed they do, the science is NOT there & on top of that they have some nasty side effects. what's particularly scary is what can happen when you try to come off them (withdrawal symptoms lasting years, anhedonia, also PSSD-there are people who haven't had an orgasm in years after coming off these drugs). I'm planning to take part in some of the lawsuits that are in the works due to this mass defrauding of mental health patients including myself.
the body count psychiatry has is a direct result of our for profit healthcare system that incentives overprescription, and the issue is so massive that I honestly think it totally dwarfs the opioid crisis prior to the overcorrection & fent & tranq being introduced. fuck, at least opioids /actually/ do what they're supposed to do, unlike most of these MH meds. it's insane & infuriating. I recommend reading Mental Health Inc if you want to know more about this, it gives you a sense of the scope of this issue.
#that was such a rant lol. anon if your meds work for you thats good & you can still criticize psychiatry while being on them!#also therapy isnt psychiatry since theres no medicine involved. psychologists dont have the ability to rx. therapy isnt likely to harm you#unless you have a hannibal lecter type therapist but im guessint thats not the case#i mean some therapists are just Bad but its pretty easy to identify them early on#asks
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i find the whole conversation around self-dxing to be interesting too because while self-dxing can indeed be dangerous and bad, on the other hand i am also quite anti-psychiatry, if youve got something youve obviously got it without a diagnosis, and getting a diagnosis can be hard af
like idk i think way too many ppl push this "go get therapy go get professional help and evaluation!!!" thing all the time. as if many therapists and psychs arent stupid af, as if they cant be wrong, as if they cant further traumatize someone, as if they can't be smart and kind ppl but Still get things wrong. and as if the entire psych system for the most part isnt fucked in manyyy ways...... like... yea, if you can and find a good one go i guess depending on circumstance... but you better take everything they say with a grain of salt too, wtf
.... yes teenagers and in general young ppl self diagnoing themselves with 2000 things is harmful. they may be doing it either for attention, because its cool and trendy, bc theyve actually got histrionic or mauchausens, bc theyre pathologizing normal human reactions, or bc theyve not done enough actual research and went off of articles which explain things in such a way that frankly most humans would relate. or they may confuse disorders among each other, or they may not be pragmatic enough abt it. yes this is a huge issue. weve got 20000 teenagers and young adults and even some adults running around saying theyve got turrets or did or autism or bpd or ocd or whatever the hell is trendy. psych wards for symptoms and conditions (which are themselves often imperfect) have been watered down to an extreme and are thrown around. therapy talk is being used to make excuses for behavior which should not be excused
...... at the same time. yea self diagnosis isnt inherently harmful all the time. the ppl who say otherwise and are 2000% certain only docs can tell u shit arent skeptical enough of docs. with some things its obvious. i didnt need any doctor to tell me i had anorexia nervosa or bulimia lmaoooo that shit was obvious and clear as day. i didnt need to be told i had bpd, i caught on at a young age i had it, and bc i neither could go to therapy nor wanted to, i spend years understanding that disorder on every which side and way and recovering from it myself. it saved my life. i dont even wanna know how bad things would have been if i didnt accept i had that and understood it - and yea, i didnt need no doctor to tell me to know. and low and behold, docs agree i used to have bpd, still hsve some symptoms, but have mostly recovered from it. funnily enough i caught onto having some sort of osdd/did years ago, than denied it completely to myself for years, than i couldnt ignore it and deny it anymore. ended up getting a diagnosis for that too. :/ i figured i had adhd for years on end but docs either thought it was something else or i wouldn't bring it up much. low and behold i have a diagnosis and the high doses of adhd meds i can handle without feeling st all "drugged out" are proof that i do actually have adhd
if anything lmaoo i have personal experience with having a crazy psych. a woman who mistook cptsd&osdd/did for bipolar disorder, gave me drugs literally illegally which ate at my body and told me not to tell anyone, and also yelled at me that i was crazy. had a therapist who thinks being molested makes ppl homosexual and that step-parent sexual attraction is normal on some level.....;;;; like;;;;;;..... yea. the psychs and therapists arent some sort of final say people. they can be crazy and they can be wrong
and the idea that Inherently someone with bpd, or did/osdd or whatever else Cant Know of their disorder before being told (tho the latter was actually suggested to me many yrs ago by someone) is just. wrong and harmful frankly. yea in some cases pls dont know, or theyre in extreme denial (like with anorexia). but not with all. not with all. 👀 my psychs found it surprising how self aware i was, impressive, but they did not think this was some sort of disqualification
idk. yea. like. theres definetely issues around self-dex especially in the hell were living today but acting like its Always Inherently Bad and Will Never Help and docs are some sort of authority who are the only ones with some say... ,,,, yeaaaa. no. that's also dangerous
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more medical garbage bitching dont mind me (feel free to blacklist camyellsOW to ignore these)
im liking being able to look back on these before other appointments
im currently on hold with my insurance because my rheumatologist listened to me and he wrote me a prescription for ring splints and I called around to physical therapy offices and found one that has hand therapy and can take my and my appointment is in less than 3 weeks which for PT in my area and PT as specific as this thats AMAZING holy shit. Its actually closer to two weeks than 3 but I feel like im doxxing myself if i say specifics lmao
so im calling my insurance company to see if they can tell me ahead of time if there are a fuckload of hoops im going to have to jump through in order to get my splints
for the first time ever I feel kind of hopeful about my joint health. Were doing a lyme disease blood panel to see if thats the source of my nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and headaches. He ordered a couple more things Im going to google
I told him that I know we need to do physical therapy first but eventually id love to talk to him about a wheelchair and he said no and I started crying again and he was like I think thats a bad idea let me tell you why and I was like NO thats internalized ableism and thats a YOU problem! Wheelchairs are mobility they are FREEDOM. I cannot currently lift enough laundry at once to fill the washer without subluxing my shoulder/collarbone so I have to take multiple trips and frequently have to sit down between trips but with a wheelchair Id have the freedom and capability to just do a load of laundry. I already cook having to sit down. You can have an amazing wonderful fulfillling life in wheelchair that you cant have when youre in bed every day because everything hurts so much. You can tell me not right now or maybe in the future but just a no is the most hopeless answer you can give me. That is a YOU problem.
and he like did a little head tilt like a dog and was like. You know what? Youre right. Thats something I need to reevaluate in my own head. So, youre right I wont tell you know, but Ill tell you first we need to try physical therapy
that fucking honesty is why I love him so much. He was like "you need a therapist" and i was like dude if you tell me that one more time im going to start crying again I KNOW
and I apologized and thanked him for dealing with my anger because i just angry cried at him basically the entire appointment and he just said Its okay, I know Im not who youre mad at. I wont take it personally and holy shit that was just the biggest load off of my back and I was like no youre right im literally just mad at my body. At one point he said "you know im empathetic, I bet it does hurt that bad." Like holy shit Dr G you are a king amongst doctors. He had knee surgery recently and I used it against him and he didnt even get mad. In my angry crying I was like you just had knee surgery. Sitting in bed wallowing in pain all day. It fucking sucks doesnt it? Imagine twenty five fucking YEARS of that! and he just nodded and digested that and was like yeah, I hear you.
This man is the best doctor in the world
at the very least im on my way to my ring splints which will help my quality of life SO fucking much holy shit
I also told him about the highly unprofessional cardiologist i saw who just told me I was fat and showed me his grandsons fortnite youtube channel and he was like wow literally what? and I was like I dont know man. And then he talked shit about cardiologists and how they tend to be fuckin weirdos with egos and i was like yo go off my shady king
but on the bright side in less than a week were placing that heart monitor and it will be recording for two weeks and hopefully after that i can obtain my POTS diagnosis and hopefully thatll put me one step closer to being an ambulatory wheelchair user. Id love to still be upright and use my cane when I can but a wheelchair for bad days would be lifechanging
my oldest childhood friend is able bodied the idea of being able to just get a coffee and walk around target with her pain free makes me want to cry THAT is a hopeful future
#camyellsOW#i keep almost doxxing his name cuz im like dr g my beloved#and i say that out loud cuz his name is fun#anyway that man is wonderful#im still upset and reeling from my appointment at this point reliving my pain telling it to people over and over and fielding their#responses as an autistic person is like boarderline retraumatizing#but i feel hopeful for once#PT here i come!! :)
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Personal post incoming weeoooo
Might.... do some more reading about PCOS being considered intersex (or ..intersex variation? Sorry im not familiar with terminology) because. Idk. Its.. neat? I know its not medically classified as such rn but i also know a growing amount of ppl W pcos consider themselves that way anyway bc fuck doctors dictating our lives when they barely understand our syndrome anyway.
And like, I remember the first time i heard about the idea that some people consider PCOS to be inherently related considered to be intersex it sort of knee-jerk distressed me a litttttlleeee bit. because i am a (afab/cis) woman and considering myself anything close to not-woman is distressing for me, and i blame this partly on the ""male pattern"" symptoms of PCOS, mostly hair growth. So i felt like by considering myself intersex it would like, invalidate my womanness in a way i am already stressed about,
But also i know like..... your sex or body or hormones or whatever dont actually dictate whether you are a woman and i KNOW that logically?? I have trans friends and loved ones for instances. but of course, you always want to exempt yourself from the positive things as if that cant possibly apply.
But yeah idk if its just me in this moment or if this is sort of coming out of a long while of little things percolating in my brain but i also Know i need to find self love and beauty in the body i have because i will Never be a skinny, hairless, high-heel wearing Standard BeautyTM type girl even tho i ame Very Femme. And i need to accept that i can be those things in the body i have because i cannot have another body even if i wanted plastic surgery or could afford/tolerate hair removal etc it's just not gonna happen that shits expensive and ..hmmmmmnnn.. anyway
And before you ask yes i need therapy lmao.... my former therapists and I have never addressed the body image issues because i always default to working on my anxiety but its like? Idk why i do that??
It almost doesnt make sense bc yes the anxiety is distressing but also it hasnt actually held me back that much, it hasnt prevented me from making friends bc i Have Friends, it hasnt prevented me from getting my Masters, moving several times, or having a job I like so i feel like if i do get therapy again I need to be way more intentional about what I want to work on OTHER than anxiety (its also like. Idk. Working on anxiety in ISOLATION from other stuff is also like?? Only ever gonna be so helpful. I wish holistic healthcare were actually possible imagine that)
Sorry 4 the rant and using tumblr as a diary but oh well. Its the several days between xmas and new years what else can i be doing
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a ramble about . having hand and wrist pain that all started hitting me at once .theres no real thesis i just have been thinking about shit . happy disability awareness month .
god for what, over 4months now , ive had chronic hand/wrist pain thats made it fucking frustrating as all hell to do . the things i want to do . i cant play games for hours at a time . i can barely draw for over 30 minutes at a time without a break (oftentimes i have to take breaks long before that point) . i cant scroll on my dash forever since even with the keyboard shortcuts it strains over time (sidenote but CHRIST can i just . but a bookmark on a point on my dash. i want to come back there later and scroll from there . iwant the site to stop lagging ). everything i do i have to consider how bad my bones will hurt from it and if i can do it, if its something i can adjust to make easier on my hands, if its something worth 'wasting' what i call my 'hand stamina' for the afternoon. like oh if i play video game then i wont be able to draw or do shit for like at least 30min .
ive gone to the doctors. ive gone to the tests . its not carpel tunnel they say ! thank you for clearing that option after 3.5 months of pain. now i get to do more trial and error tests to see what i have . ive finally gotten at least like. the orders to let me get physical therapy so hopefully that can help . just side note i fucking HATE decentralized medical care holy SHIT why cant this info just be fucking shared between u guys . i wait 2 weeks between getting to go into the doctor and say 'yea mate it still fucking hurts' so they can give me a different appointment 2 weeks later and so on . its so much fucking treading water . weve been over this bullshit . why do i have to wait 2 weeks to see the dr for 10 minutes and then figure out an appointment . i just fucking . god .
i have to go to college in a month . im not going to be better in a month . im definetly never reaching what was once 'normal' condition for a long time . its . its hard to think about that shit . i feel like ive been trapped ykno.
i remember . for about 3 months. starting in late september 2021. i was having an absolute fucking blast . i had spamton brainrot . i could pump out several small doodles a day, sometimes multiple cleaned up/colored sketches, every couple weeks i might make a fully finished piece . i could spend hours upon hours just. doing what i loved . drawing silly guy who i liked . seeing what the other people in my community were doing . art, creativity is a conversation to me. i see peoples works, i get inspired, i want to create, even if i don't have anything in particular to say at that moment . it doesnt matter i have no ideas for posing or anything . i wanted to create . and i created .
i could be in my element . have this conversation . this feedback loop of inspiration . a constant improvement to my own skills as i just enjoyed art how i enjoy art . i'm mad at myself for not taking more breaks. im mad at myself for not fucking stretching all these years . but i will never regret my time . it was worth every second . and even if im not always interacting with everyone i met thru that time, im forever thankful for getting to meet all of them .
this is sounding a bit mopey huh . ok some quick advice then for this sorta shit in general.
for one . yes i know its fucking hard . but please just stretch a lil sometimes . even just learning one or two u can do pretty consistently can help u get going . this page has alot of good ones.
two . get yourself a good dumbass friend to watch stupid cartoons with you . yes im serious . if it were not for having my sister this summer to watch anime for children i would have gone insane with boredom whenever my hands hurty so i cant do shit . find yourself some bullshit to binge and laugh at . highly recommend the yokai watch dub of seasons 1+2 . good head empty but very entertaining shit . incredible for passing the time
three . find shortcuts for doing smaller straining tasks udont really think about . for example, theres the more prominant things like using keyboard shortcuts to navigate ur dash, but then theres stuff like realizing . oh trying to cut my sandwich with a knife is a kinda weird strain and because the bread is so soft its hard to cut super easily . so now i just . tear my pb+j up with my hands to cut it . jsut rip it . its not fucking worth the nonsense
yeah ok i think im out of things to say for now but yea. fucking hands huh . take care of yourselves gamers . i apologize if this is a bit gloomy
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Alright hello its me again here to talk about my disabilities and my experience with biggots as a disabled teen ^^
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, autism and chronic pain. Which in itself is a ✨wonderfull✨ mix of disabilities. BUT THATS NOT IT I also have immune system deficiency (*in a southern accent* mah whate cells dont be working real well) and some sort of spasmic bullshit I dont understand and doctors dont either, heres the info we got on it; whenever I feel a strong emotion (ex anxiety/joy) or focus on something too hard my muscles lock up and tense, I dont realize it until one of the following happen; tremors, cramps, limb doesnt respond to nerves, limb does respond to nerves but not to muscle. We believe this spasmic bullshit may also be the thing causing me ✨pain attacks/crisis✨ which basically feels like my nerves are being pulled out through one of my limbs. Its really really painfull, makes me cry everytime and the first time it happened I ✨screamed✨.
I have been suffering from all of that since I was 11 (though CFS came later around when i was 14-15 y/o) and one of the thing that scared and scares me the most still is having to deal with ADULTS who dont believe me when I say I'm disabled because its not visible. I have had teachers in the very beginning forcing me to pick up a pen and write while my right arm was weak enough that I could NOT pick up my own FORK to feed myself. For a few years my mom had to cut my food because I couldnt and people, ADULTS, Teachers, didnt fucking believe me when i said "I'm sorry I cant do this or that", "I cant climb up to the gym because I'm afraid I will pass out from exhaustion". I went through YEARS of physical therapy as a teen only to not be believed that I truly was disabled. Even a DOCTOR believed that the pain I described was impossible and through the whole consultation we were with her fucking made me cry out of pain from the exercise she made me do.
Explain to me how that's normal behavior. I fucking dare you. You dont get to assume what a person went or is going through from how they look. You dont get to call someone, especially a fucking kid, a liar because you dont understand their bloody condition.
You wouldnt go up to someone who told you their dad is dead and say "hey I dont believe your dad is dead. I think youre a liar. And if you don't call your dad right now you're going to be in trouble"
I used to be an extrovert and then i became disabled and I was bullied by my fucking teachers and school nurses and for some reason I became a really anxious and socially awkward introvert. Weird right?
TLDR: Local teen gets angry at adults for causing them social anxiety and insecurity about their disability
#autism#cfs/me#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#disability#i am angry#some swearing#muscle spasms#bullying#gaslighting#tw doctors#tw#fuck you#disability isnt a bad word#rant tag#teachers#chronic illness
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I’m feeling bad about myself so I guess I’ll get in a pity time rant... sorry about that and please ignore this post
This is just me letting out some of my sorrows... I guess missing my therapy this week bc I was too focused on work didn’t help at all so I’ve to let it out
Well I’m feeling like shit bc I cant afford to live... Yay!! (life is hell too, but mostly bc of money and tiredness)
Get in the line, right?
So many people are going through this, I should stop mopping about it... I truly feel bad about being like that
like yeah u’re fucked, but if this is all u think about, will it solve anything? It ain’t, right? and I know that, i do, but still I’m always so terrified and concerned about everything and what the fuck i’m gonna do
I feel like a freaking burden and an incompetent adult... like this job doesnt pay me enough for surviving, but it isnt even a minimum age job and I really cant get anything better, I dont have enough qualifications or experience for getting anything else even in the same payment range
I work a lot, I don’t get paid enough and to help all that I have no day for receiving my payment ... it’s already the 11th day of the month and I didn’t get my payment yet, last month I receiveid my payment at the 27th of the month so I’m always stressed about if i’ll have money to pay my bills before their due date
I’m also always stressed that I’ll lose this job too... I’ve no way to surviving without it...Yay!!! How fun!!!
I eat awlfully bad and basically every single person in my life is concerned about it, but 1 i dont know how to cook and yes i know that i could look it up recipes in the internet and try until I get it right, but that get me to my second problem:
I dont have enough energy to try... I literally live all my days without energy
stress + an anxiety disorder + depression + bad eating habits + not being in the sun ever + no exercising + terrible sleeping quality = me feeling like shit and always tired as fuck every single day of my life
what gets me to not having energy even for the most simple tasks, including cooking, showering, brushing my teeth, etc.... I cant be trust even to eat, sometimes i dont even have enough energy to freaking eat
I’m always concerned about not having enough money to pay my bills + my meds + food + the least of my cat’s necessities + the house things i have to buy interchangeably with my roommates... and i dread having to ask for help of my family bc it feels like a certification of failure
I’m so out of it that I’ve medical exams requests pilling up, bc even tho my aunt decided pay a health insurance for me (god bless her soul), bc she was concerned about me, doing the exams mean that I’ve to pay for go there and comeback + whatever meds or wtv they ask for wtv they find wrong.... so i dont go + I’ve little to no energy to deal with it
I mean i have a pain in my jaw, that I’m pretty sure that i displaced, for more than 4 weeks and i didnt go to look it up bc i know i cant afford wtv they ask me to do about it... I literally am in pay all day, every day at least an mild way, in a good day and eating and opening my mouth hurts like hell, but here i am just pretending nothing is happening, bc u know, poor people cant afford getting hurt
Dude, I was even like “I’ll go to a nutritionist to learn how to drink less milk so I can save money” but then i learned that i cant just get an appointment with one, i’ve to go to another doctor and this doctor has to give me an referral to go to them... I dont have enough energy for that... common help a bitch out
How much I’m trying to save up?
I avoid to take meds so I dont finish them and have to buy more... headaches, flu, stomachache, diarrhea or wtv only gets to be treated with meds if it doesnt go away by itself
I count my meds so i can make my psychiatrist appointment when it’s about to end so I dont have to buy different meds and waste the ones I already bought bc he changed them for others... are the actual ones working perfectly? probably not, but at least I wont lose money with that
(they change my meds a lot bc everything seems to stop making effects on me or at very least not making enough effects T-T )
My family wants me to buy hair supplements bc I’m getting more and more bald... i dont have money for that sweeties lol
like genetically i’m supposed to have not that much hair, but u add the stress, the anxiety and the depression to it and u get me losing more and more hair, to the point i have some bald spots and need to get my hair in some specifc ways so they dont show... Yay me³ !!
(for my family: please sweeties stop caring, i cant afford shit)
Ohh I forgot to metion, my job (home office) that doesnt pay me enough to survive normally now wants me to go to the office for meetings so lets add more travel fees to the already overpast budget
since i’ve all that going on my skin is terrible bc u know it doesnt really answers well to all that... so I’ve bad hair, bad skin, not enough money to surviving (what is leisure? I’ve no idea of what it’s to do anything for fun... i cant afford such a thing lol), enough stress, anxiety e depression to make be in the very edge + u know all the health stuff not being look up and no energy
i dont know whats peace of mind for so long now that I’m losing it, but at least I’m doing it with a smile in my face so at least my family doesnt feel burdened lol
so I guess i’m doing peachy and everything is okay lol
Well at very least I’ve my Agatha... she’s the bright side of my life
the little meow meow keeps me haging there, my baby girl is an angel and i love her with all my heart
*Me having a hard time at working*: look at my cat and go “well, I’ve to pay ur food sweetie potato... so let’s keep going”
*me not wanting to get out of bed*: remembers I’ve to feed my baby and attend to it and get up graciously as a freaking zoombie but i do
and so on
-----------------------------------------
Well, well, well... now that I started to talk about Agatha, let it out and I cried a river I’m felling a little better
So since I’m using this as a adjunct therapy or somenthing I guess I feel like doing smt every therapist told me to do but I didnt do bc I felt like it would just make me feel worse, bc I cant have it... making a list of things I would want
I guess the first thing would be: be capable to pay all my things without problems. U know? not having to get worried about money
the second would be: be able to upgrade the things I use in my daily life
the third: be able to give Agatha all the things I think she would like... treats, the best cat food, environmental enrichment and anything and everything she shows interested in
fourth would be: probably buy the things I like or want just bc I want to , without worrying about expending money... what totally includes buying things for all the people that I care about to my hearts content and giving them (or sending them) all the things that make me think of them and giving money to all the people that i cross asking for it or working in the crossroad
- maybe taking care of the health things that have to be taken care of (it should be somewhere in the list i guess) lol
- do things for fun
- learn things for pleasure
- buy things for and do diy things ( i love to create and to do new things)
- learn new languages... like a new one every time I finish the last one
- relearn Interior Design stuff and learn Graphic Design (i love do things in the computer)
- have a job that I like... I mean I really like (and I know that even like what u do u dont like it every day but still can u imagine working in something that makes u want to get up in the morning happily)
- retrieve my reading ability and read a lot (buy all the books that catch my eyes *---* )
- getting to know more awesome people
- learning physical things that I find cool (like i dont have any affinity with anything physical, I have no strenght either, I also have labyrinthitis what makes me give every time I try)
- buy my mom and my mom a house and give them enough money that they dont need to be worried about bills anymore (well this is probably higher in the list but since is a bigger thing I only thought about it now lol )
- taking care of my apparence I guess... I mean I would love to be able to dress in a way that i like and really be able to try things and find my own style but it would be cool to try to take care of own self too i guess... I’m not much but I guess with money and effort even I could get better, I mean my best can not be the best but still my best
- living in nice place that i’m not scared of being thrown out at any minute (renting a room in a strangers place is very worrisome)
- OMG!! I just thought it: Go visit my international friends !!!! *----* (this one is hella important)
- do something praise worth
- have a little waterproof portable speaker so i can hear music while showering
edit: somewhere in the begginig would be not being tired and not feeling miserable all the time, getting over my social phobia, stop having panic attacks, not driving myself insane with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, having my attention spam back, get over my body dysmorphia ... I went all for material things and forgot some pretty important stuff
This list didnt get not even close of the right order lol
it just went in the i just thought about it order lol
I guess I cant think of anything anymore... I’m already tired of dreaming of things I cant have lol
but it was kind of fun think about nice things
#ranting#bullshiting#ignore this#i had forgotten the read more thing#i should be using it in every personal post#lol#nothing to see here folks#how do u spend ur weekend night?#crying my ass off#while taking stuff out of my chest for no one to see#i guess letting all out is hard but at least it feels a little less burdening#not wanting to let anyone see this side of u is hard bc u dont have anyone to talk about it#but i prefer to not burden anyone just bc i feel bad#but rn thinking about it I guess I would like the people i love to tell me if they are having a hard time#even if i couldnt help i would like to at least listening to them#what a hipocrite#maybe i should talk with someone#maybe#maybe someone would not feel the same#idk#well i just took way too much time writing all this#now ill just let it go#bc im really tired and emotionally exhausted
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if i delete or kill myself it will be unnoticed this is inarguable fact this is inarguable inarguable you have no means of contradicting it fact i am the lonheliest creature alive right now and i keep asking myself if i am overreacting but i dont even remember the last time i talked to someone or if i did did not represnit
im scared paranoid or angry out of my mind i cant tell. i have ruined everything i have annoyed everyone or at least ifyou are going to berate me about my language at least listen it FEELS this way i feel so so so so lonely it makes me cry i cant react in conversations slike a normal human being incant be atraightforward i cant be not-straightforward because thej nobody listens and he gets mad about it and i hate him and we argue over it and i dont want to live like this. i dont want to live like this! i have nothing or at least i feel that way and i dont know i am strangled at trying to say anything else because he keeps interjecting with such vitriol saying 'dont repeat yourself youve already said it if anyone cared'. why is he so fucking awful. i dont want this. i dont want to sit here crying my fucking eyesnout either. i know i will just have an episode feel fucking stupid and wake up feeling worse and start cryingnagain. i dont know whats wrong with me. please if you feel this way go to therapy before you end up like this just tell a doctor whats wrong. this is so miserable and humiliating and im so fucking embarrassed to be alive.
i have these moments of clarity like maybe right now slightly where i feel normal for a second and i feel rational and like actually it's not awful it's not the end of the world and i can resolve this so i feel normal and happy but it never lasts long enough for me to put into motion writing it all out and fixing it and then i just have these broken pieces of dialogue i don't know what to do with and sometimes i try to resolve it when i'm not able to think clearly and that's the worst thing i can ever do because it all gets worse like it is now i just feel like an idiot.
im sorry. this post is everywhere and nowhere its all over the place with emotion and legibility and how collected i am i just feel better writing it out in one as i feel it and then forgetting it ever happened. i feel better saying it now but it dont think it will last because it never lasts. i dont even remember what or who i was at the start of this post and i dont know if its more disingenuous to try clarifying hat at the start or not. whatever. its my blog and you chose to click readmore. sorry for all of this. im just not very well again and i dont even know how to remove myself from whatever is triggering this right now. i had a hopeful thought of fixing this but i forgot it immediately. im just tired and fear grimacing.
#i said. whie ago i wouldnt didnt want to have an episode but here we are guess.#nothing worth saying that hasnt already been said.
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my earliest memory of my mother is her screaming at me for supposedly losing something, while i'm in tears, and she gives me a half-hearted apology when she realizes she misplaced the item. my mother used to drive me to ballet but bitched about it the entire time. my mother smacked me on the head with a metal bristled brush while doing my hair before school one morning.
my mother has spent years and years tearing me down, telling me i'm so pretty, if i just lost weight, if i just kept my hair long, if i just cared enough i could be thin and beautiful. i spent years with disordered eating. i spent years hating myself. the first time i opened up about my depression she threatened to institutionalize me.
i remember skipping school once on her suggestion, only for her to find out later in the evening i had 2 C's, and she screamed at me saying she never would have done that if she knew my grades were so bad. she drove me to my doctors appointments. she drove me to therapy. she never consoled me as i cried. she always blamed me for my hardships.
now as an adult she will, without fail, tell everyone how much i hate her and how i want nothing to do with her. and i cant just scream that i really really really tried and tried and even as an adult i can barely cope with the idea of her disowning me when i come out as trans. because i want her to love me. i want her hugs to mean something rather than just be for herself. the one time i asked for a hug on the verge of tears she just got pissed at me.
but she is so fucking mean to me and i wish she wasn't and i wish i didn't care so much and i wish i could just accept that it Is my fault we don't get along but i Can't because it's not my fault. i'm just so mad that i care this much still.
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my anxiety is sky fucking high right now
end me and my torment. please
I cannot fucking take all this medical bullshit going on with me I can’t fucking take it there’s so much it’s constantly new stuff I always feel like I’m dying and that since my doctors have no fucking clue what any of it is caused by, they have no fucking idea how to save me, or even help me, and whenever I have an idea of something to check for they shut me down and I’m a good advocate for myself typically but I’m so at my wits end that I take what they say at face value and don’t push it any further. I need someone desperately to come to appointments and advocate for me but I have no one I could trust to do that, and even if I did, no one is able to take time off work for my medical appointments even my mom who is my transportation. I’ve skipped out on so so so many medical appointments lately that I need because I don’t have transportation. and the reason I don’t have transportation? Fucking new medical condition preventing me from driving!!! fucking condition that apparently has no likely causes and therefore no direction of treatment!!! the only possible treatment I could try is a type of physical therapy which would have to be at least weekly if not more often and 100 miles away!!!! when I HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION BECAUSE OF THIS CONDITION!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKING END ME ALREADY
AND BECAUSE I HAVENT HAD THESE NEW CONDITIONS FOR 12 MONTHS YET THEY DONT EVEN COUNT TOWARDS MY ONGOING DISABILITY CASE. AND IM ON TRACK TO LOSE MY HEALTHCARE COVERAGE IN FEBRUARY UNLESS I WIN MY DISABILITY CASE. AND I HAVE NOT WORKED SINCE JANUARY AND I HAVE BARELY ENOUGH MONEY FOR ONE MORE MONTH OF STRICTLY MY OWN BILLS. AND MY MOM CANT AFFORD THE REST OF THE BILLS EVEN WORKING OVERTIME AND CANT GET A FULL WEEKS PAY WHEN SHE HAS TO TAKE ME TO MEDICAL APPOINTMENTS
AND BECAUSE I HAVENT WON MY DISABILITY CASE (YET?) FOODSTAMPS WON’T CONSIDER ME DISABLED/UNABLE TO WORK SO THEY WONT GIVE US ANY MORE FOOD ASSISTANCE FOR 3 YEARS UNLESS I WORK AT LEAST 20 HOURS PER WEEK
AND!!!
There are 2 food banks in my entire county!!! which in my area you have to have an address in the county to get their food bank assistance!! and!!! one of them ONLY distributes food 2 Mondays per month for an hour each time!! 10:30-11:30 am!!! my mom works every weekday from like 6am until at least 5 pm!!!
And the other one is only open M-F 9am-3pm!!!!!! and you can only get their assistance once per month anyway!!!! and it’s Christian as hell so typically they really push Christian bullshit on everything!!!! and there is ONE church that sometimes offers food pantry items but again!! that’s only on Tuesdays 8am-noon!!!!!!
and for all of the above you have to provide your ID and verify your income and all that shit so like it isn’t like I can get anyone to go pick up shit for us either!!!!
GOD just JESUS FUCKING CHRIST just I AM LOSING MY GOD DAMNED MIND!!!! LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLE LET ME FUCKING OUUUUUTTTTTTTT
#lous clues#I swear to GOD if anyone tries to throw this back in my face I am going to start ripping faces off!!!!!
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