#i believe dazai can be bad at taking care of himself and that's one of the reasons he's always after other people's food/free food | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chaiifluuf · 3 months

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•°. *࿐ What if all i need is you? — d. osamu

synopsis. after going underground for the time being to leave the port mafia, yours and dazai’s friendship starts to feel like something else

content. gn!reader, spoilers for the dark era/season 2 ep 4, lowercase, comfort, fluff, hcs + one-shot, clingy dazai, lowkey bad writing??

notes. i don’t think i’ve ever been this nervous about posting something ( ; ω ; ), anyways first post and first time attempting to actually write smth so this most likely has grammatical mistakes…

dazai who, after witnessing his best friend’s death, arrived at your doorstep at midnight and without a second thought asked you to run away with him.

dazai who tells you everything that happened and why he is willing to make a change, hoping you will come along with him.

dazai who is deep down desperate for your comfort and touch, your soothing words that somehow always manage to find a way to his heart.

dazai who at one point couldn’t hold it together anymore and spends many nights silently crying into your shoulder, for the first time allowing himself to be vulnerable around you.

dazai who believes he will never be quite enough to deserve your endless amount of care and affection.

dazai who was able to have a full night of near peaceful sleep in a while, all thanks to your warmth and mere presence next to him.

dazai who realises how much you truly matter to him, how he can’t ignore the warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you, how his body craves for you.

dazai who slowly starts to think that maybe with you he can do this and become the better person who odasaku wished him to be.

the full moon was shining brightly tonight, slightly peeking through the curtains of your shared apartment. the weather is calm, only a soft breeze passing by at times. it’s almost been half a year now since you and dazai went underground and it’s been quiet to say the least. with some help from ango, you were able to find a small temporary apartment in the suburbs, away from the main city.

the first few weeks after agreeing to go with him were rather rough. dazai was uncharacteristically quiet most of the time, his eyes seeming even duller and more distant than usually. it was clear to you how much odasaku’s death had really affected him and you can’t blame him. the best you could do was to tell him it was going to be okay and be there for him in any way needed, a reminder that you’re here to stay.

Another thing you weren’t used to was how clingy he would become.

despite the two of you not being in a relationship, it was almost unreal how touchy you got with each other. Sleeping and basking in each other’s warmth, the lingering touches when the other had to go elsewhere, the small caresses were like a second language for him at this point. and it never made you uncomfortable.

as of now you are finishing watching a film, one that has been sitting in your watchlist for a while now. the ending of it left you a little disappointed but overall it was more than enough to cure your boredom. with a soft sigh, you turn the tv off and place the remote control away.

your gaze drifts down to your chest, a view of familiar brown and soft hair snuggled up to you. he has been practically in the same position for the whole duration you watched the film, a pair of arms securely wrapped around your waist and his head resting against your chest. it's a serene sight.

judging by his steady heartbeat and slow breaths, he seems to be asleep. which is rather rare since the only time he gets actual sleep is late at night if even that. you briefly check your phone and it's barely ten pm. your hand finds itself in his hair, gently brushing through it as you untangle a few knots. it really was beyond your understanding of how soft it is. if you could spend your whole day just caressing his hair you would.

you can’t help but take notice of his features when you brush some of his bangs to the side. he looked absolutely ethereal and it made your heart beat faster without you realising it. you wish he could see himself the way you do. but then again he has said the same thing about you so that’s that. you will never get tired of his peaceful state though, looking as if there is not a single worry on his mind.

more often than you would like to admit, you wonder what you two are. up until running away, you were just close friends with him, friends who got along well. sure there was the typical dazai flirting and petnames here and there but you didn’t think they meant anything further than that. however, overtime you can’t deny the fact you might just have fallen for him.

but now you don’t know. do friends hold each other so intimately? do friends make most of your meals because they know you won’t eat anything else? does a friend look at you so longingly, even if it’s for a split second? and once you ponder about that, you start doubting if he feels the same. what if he doesn’t see you like that? what if he’ll get bored of you eventually? what if—

a small movement from dazai was enough to snap you out of your thoughts. he slightly shifted his position, letting out a faint exhale afterwards.

“‘samu?” you murmur as you stare at him for a little, expecting him to wake up but to your surprise he’s still in his slumber.

there is a certain glint of softness in your eyes before you close them and lightly bury your face into his hair, breathing in the familiar scent of his shampoo. despite your calm breaths, your mind was still running.

“…i love you.” your voice was barely audible. for whatever reason, you felt the need to say it, the very same three words that have plagued your thoughts for a while now. you know he didn’t hear it but at least that’s what made it easier to say. maybe one day you’ll finally let go of all your doubts and fears and confess to him, telling him how much he really means to you.

“you do?”

your heart drops. for a second you wondered if you really heard that or not. there was no way.

“what?” you respond quietly, almost in disbelief. dazai turns his head to get a better look at you as well as move a little closer. his eyes were half open but you can still see the glint of playfulness in them. a faint smirk was on his face. this man… is this supposed to mean that this whole time he was only pretending to be asleep?!

“you love me?” he repeated his question, a bit of teasing evident in his tone. god you wanted to smack that smug smile off his face. perhaps you should have never opened your mouth in the first place.

“ah, i just… i mean…” your words trailed off as your heart started to speed up. suddenly you didn’t know what to say but if he really heard your words earlier then the answer must be obvious. you’re sure you look flustered right now and you can’t even hide it from him since he’s right in front of you.

however, what he did next made your world freeze in time.

without a warning dazai slowly closed the distance and softly touched your lips with his. having you so distracted that you didn’t even notice when he moved his hand to the back your head.

the kiss lasted for about three seconds but it sure felt like an eternity. his lips were much softer than you thought, despite you not having enough time to fully react to the kiss. for a moment you can’t help but question if this was real or another dream you were about to wake up from.

his face still stayed close, his lips slightly parted as his warm breath hit your skin. “i think i love you too y’know..” he mumbled while gently caressing the corner of your jaw. his voice seemed more sincere when he said that.

and just like that all of you anxieties disappeared. you don’t what came over you but what you do know is that you captured his lips with yours once again. only this time you felt the need to go deeper, like you couldn’t get enough of him.

dazai welcomed your initiative warmly, letting out a quiet hum as you kissed him once again. you had no idea kissing someone could feel this good. you swear you can feel him smiling against your lips at some point and it makes your heart skip a beat. your hands wander through his hair, holding him close as your body relaxes.

you guessed all those times he bragged about being a good kisser turned out to be true after all.

when the two of you part to take a moment to breathe, he takes the chance to tease you again. “i’m still waiting for an answer to my question, bella.” he says softly.

yeah, this was definitely real.

thank you so much if you made it this far !<3 literally need to stop rereading this because it gets worse every time i do help

#𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅ maeve writes . 🖋️#bungo stray dogs #bsd #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs dazai #bsd x you #bsd x reader #bsd fluff #bsd dazai #dazai x reader #dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu x you #dazai osamu fluff #dazai x y/n #dazai x you

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justcallmesakira · 4 months

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hihihihi AUGH i love ur work sm?!! omg if u can fyodor with a younger sister (she has the same level of intelligence of him and works in the doa and his organaization) who is dating dazai? :) I know there are some but i need crack and suggestive!!1

ty and er bye good luck take ur time!

"Fyodor with a sister dating Dazai''

Sypnosis: Your rat brother is anything but happy about the fact that you are dating his only enemy on earth! Good luck on surviving!!!

Genre: crack, suggestive at the end

Warnings: bombing, terrorizz, , mentions of maniupulative behaviour, mentions of verlaine, roblox radgoll, loads of simping words, me being down bad, making out (lol), your mom

A/N: my reqs are currently closed but ehhhh who cares lol also THIS WAS SO HARD TO WRITE HONESTLY- pls enjoy and reblog i tried my best--- *dies of mental ilness*

How bro-

JUST HOW DID U DO THAT W/O HIM BLASTING DAZAIS INTERNAL ORGANS? 🤯🤯🤯

No bcs fyodor did not even plan to let u meet dazai but ofcourse bcs of the dead apple tower and stuff and since then he had completly fallen inlove with you whether you are dostoevskys sister or not

He prob asked u to do a waltz with him in the mukokukokurokito or whatver the phuck that towers name was when you entered the castle with your brother

Fyodor WAS NOT happy because he saw the flirty glint in dazais eyes when u came

If looks cold kill-.. (KILL ME, RUSSIAN ZADD😍😍---)

And all you went was giggles and flirting back

Fyodor is prob gonna get his own medicine bcs they two are so like each other??? but he still couldnt believe how you with such high intelligence could fall for him???

(fyodor take your anemic medication first)

Dazai obv had some skeptics after you but like the manwhore he is and prob slept with the entierty of yokohama! ofc hes gonna court you as if you might not just use him!!!

Very (not) normal behaviour indeed!!

HELP YOU KNOW THAT ONE INDIAN RIZZLER VS. UWU CAT??? HES LITERLY THAT BUT

Dazai: "I fucked your sister she be screaming high pitch😈" fyodor: "What did you say, you little child i will crush your skull 😡😡😡should have known when i smile, I also play cello, i can be anything Уву"

that was UWU in russian btw-

But in all serious he will try maniupultaing you or gaslighting you into leaving dazai, he cant leave his only family to a man he does not trust! fyodor doesnt even trust himself-

fyodors gonna act a bit more colder then usual bcs of the fact HIS sister is dating someone and that someone is his enemy

Honeslty you go up to say chuuya whos like "why do i get deja vu-" *flashback to verlaine* you: "First time?"

But ofc since you are also extremely smart you somehow convinced him (after playing roblox radgoll with him for 8 hours) to let you atleast join date with dazai

I bet you rizzed up dazai by "He said his favourite colour was blue, so i blew him up😍💣"

*insert proud brother noises*

He speaks in russian or any slavic language whenever you three are in a gathering to mostly embarress dazai

I have seen some hcs on dazai being a collarbone biter so if you were off shoulder shirts and fyodor sees them by chance hes going to glare at you as if you are covered in mud :33

"Sister,,,what. is. that." *nasty side eye to the love bite on your neck*

Dazai 100% one time randomly pulled you into the alley and started aggresively making out with you with his hands literly sprawling all over your body like hes daddy long legs or sth-

Bcs HE KNEW that fyodor had cctv set in that part of the city and fyodor would be raging at the fact that the sluttiest man is touching his precious sister like that

bros gonna forgot abt human rights- oh wait hes russian

IF HE EVER CATCHES YOU TWO THO--

Like making out on some bed or sth hes actually no LIKE ACTUALLY GOING TO throw a whole ass cabinet at dazai with a face full of nothing but malice-

"How dare, an inhuman animal like you touch my very sister" "BRO CHILL I AM YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW--"

And your just trying to stop your brother from commiting murder even though that his hobby ^^

fyodor finally forgot he had anemia bcs now all his focus was to give dazai the most painful death know to the medieval period\

Good luck on stoping your brother from poking a fork in your lovers eye in family dinners!!

A/N: guys ik i am doing the valentines req pls be patient i am trying my best!! i have a relly bad mental health rn so yeahhh-

Divider crds!: @cafekitsune

tags! @silverbladexyz @biscuits-lovely-corner @riiwrites @heartsfourdazai @tojifile @atsquie @atlasnessie @chuuyasboner @yosanosboner @ruanais @darling--angst

#bungou stray dogs #sakira!#bsd #bsd x reader #dazai #dazai x reader #crack #bsd stuff #bsd hcs #fyozai x reader #fyodor x reader x dazai #fyodor with a sister #fyodor x sister reader #dazai fyodors sister #enemies and lovers #overprotective brothers #sakiras writing notebook!!!

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oikasugayama · 6 months

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Helloooo! I love your posts and I was wondering if you could do one of your charts with the bsd men for when you’re anxious and if they’d be good at comforting you or if they’d try their best, tried but failed and if they’d be just straight up shit at it, hope you’ve had a nice day :3

I have a few similar requests for cheering you up when you're upset, so here are my general thoughts as someone who suffers from anxiety:

Fukuzawa has the wisdom to say something genuinely helpful and calming. He also helps you with mindful breathing and makes you some tea.

Nikolai, in one of his sentimental moods, teleports you to a calmer, more peaceful location where you can calm down and feel safer.

Junichiro tells you what helps him when he feels anxious, and he comforts you by relating and talking through the situation.

Chuuya doesn't really know how to help anxiety, but he asks questions and gets you to talk and work through what's bothering you. Oda also does this but with more experience (I just noticed he's in the wrong spot, he should be further left than Chuuya)

Ango can't do shit doesn't do shit. His own anxiety paralyzes him.

Kunikida technically tries to help but he ends up making you feel worse by telling you all the other shit you should be worrying about instead.

Atsushi really, really, really wants to help but the poor kid is the most anxious person you know so he ends up making himself anxious and then you feel bad for making him feel bad.

Mori surprisingly makes you feel a little better by just talking about other shit until you stop consciously thinking about what was bothering you. It's still in the background but not as intense.

Bram tells you not to worry and that all will be taken care of. To him he's not helping, but you believe that he really will take care of the situation on your behalf so it helps you to know someone is in your corner.

Poe offers you a new novel he was writing, so you get to play in a fictional world. It's the best distraction ever.

Sigma doesn't know what anxiety is so he has no idea how to help. He tells you you can use any of his resources and that's about it.

Dazai says he'll jump off the roof with you so you don't have to deal with it anymore, and it at least makes you giggle. He'll keep saying dumb shit and you don't doubt that he really thinks offing yourself is a solution, but you also don't take him seriously so the giggles help.

Ranpo says anxiety isn't real so just don't worry -_-

Mushitaro tells you some depressing ass story of a time he was very upset as well and it just fucking sucks.

Fyodor either tells you to look to the lord for strength (I am so not joking) or he finds a way to twist you being anxious into an argument about you not believing in his ability to protect you/have things go his way.

Akutagawa says he'll kill anyone or destroy anything that's upsetting you. You really don't dig the destruction and it makes you feel worse.

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tojifile · 5 months

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@Dazai Osamu . . . ( ﾉ´ヮ`) ﾉ

Tags: ada!dazai, camgirl!reader, mentions of sex, suggestive, pining, cursing

A/N: Since a lot of people liked the first part I’m going to write chapter two. No, they don’t have sex. And Yes, the chapter title is a Taylor Swift reference. No, I am not a swiftie, I am a casual enjoyer. (December Mo: Hi guys, this will be my LAST post with the old style and probably the last time I’ll be doing a long, drawn-out fic. The old title was ‘Whiskey on Ice’ so that explains what I said before.)

Inspo: Mingwa’s BJ Alex. Links: Part 1 , Masterlist

Camgirl’s Crush – 💋

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to a bar with me tonight, since you did say I was such a good boy today.” Dazai whispered seductively in your ear. You felt the heat of his breath on your neck, “O- okay..” you nervously spoke. Dazai had a way of making you feel nervous at times, especially when his moves are sensual.

You’ve experienced teasing and flirting before, but when he whispers in your ear, when he pays attention to your idiosyncrasies, when he takes you out on little dates; only to disguise it as “work lunch” you feel—special.

Dazai was still holding you by the waist as you walked back to the agency to clock out. You told him that the both of you had to do it before going to the bar to which Dazai reluctantly agreed; he just wanted to make you happy. “Osamu-kun, people might make up stories if they see us together like this..”

Like he cared anyways. He chuckled at your worries, “Ah darling! You don’t need to worry about that! Pretty soon, those rumors would be true anyways, yeah?” Without thinking, you immediately respond, “yeah!”

You then realized what you just said. Your face turned red and you looked away from Dazai. “I- ‘m.. sorry.” You nervously mumbled. Dazai found your actions adorable! You were just so cute, he wanted to keep you all to himself.

Once you got to the agency, Dazai hurriedly clocked the both of you out while you waited for him downstairs. While he was upstairs, you thought of your moments with Dazai, you wanted him so bad. You’d fantasize about him during your streams and sometimes—at work. You were definitely not proud of that.

“Darling!” Dazai’s words snapped you back into reality. He ran to you then scooped you up into his arms, carrying you roughly to the bar. “Osamu!! Put me down!” You huffed.

But he didn’t, and you were happy. He almost makes you want to quit streaming. You just want to be his and you hope he wants to be yours. You just held onto him tightly, silently hoping he liked you back.

Dazai smiled softly as you held onto him tightly. He liked you like this, sweet and vulnerable. If there was one thing on his mind, it’d be if there was someone else or not, if you heard of him—IU, and if you could hear the love in him, waiting to burst.

His touchiness with you didn’t stop when you got to the bar. Not that you expected it to, but it was quite the opposite. He placed you on top of him, with your back to his chest as his bandaged arms encircled your waist.

He bought you drinks, obviously, he wanted you drunk. Dazai wanted to take advantage of his cute little coworker who may or may not be his favorite cam girl, not that he watches any other.

“Darling..” he whispered in a deep, sultry voice. “Wanna go home to my place? I’ll take care of you, I promise.” You only nodded in response. You knew you shouldn’t, you knew this couldn’t be. But you were only human, a slave to your urges. And right now, what you want is Dazai Osamu.

He gently laid you on his bed once you got to his apartment. Can you believe he carried you all the way there? It was his fault anyways, he got you so drunk!

“So cute..” he whispered underneath his breath. “‘Samu..” you called out softly. You then put your arms up, opening and closing your fists, wanting him to give you a hug. God! If you were sober this would’ve been embarrassing, acting like a fucking baby?!

“Hold me!!” You whined, to which Dazai chuckled. But he still happily complied. Taking off your shoes and sitting beside you on his bed, pulling you closer to his body. “Such a cute girl..” he whispered as he gave you a kiss on the cheek.

As the clock struck 10PM he saw that there was no new livestream, but there was an announcement. But he knew you had typed this out when you were waiting for him downstairs as he clocked the both of you out. Such a sneaky girl.

There was no going back now that Dazai knew that his adorable, seemingly innocent coworker was a cam girl.

@toxicramune @oh-my-beel @nymphsdomain @morinuu – Comment 🪩 to be on my taglist !

++ @yasu-masashige @ninin8nin (who asked for pt.2)

#bsd #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs headcanons #bungo stray dogs #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #dazai x reader #osamu x reader #dazai osamu x reader #osamu dazai x reader #tojifile

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 year

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I wanted to give my own quick interpretation of the scene where Atsushi... imagines? hallucinates? all those people while conflicted over what to do in the most recent chapter, because idk I haven't seen people talk about it that much?

See, the whole conflict with Atsushi in this arc is that he's replaced the constant demeaning of the orphanage director in his head with encouragement from his mentor, and he can control the tiger, and he supports the people around him... but Kunikida makes a point of saying (before everything went to shit) that while Atsushi's tiger is strong, he himself is still weak.

I don't think this has to do with Atsushi's character per se. I think it more so has to do with his still very simplistic views on people or the world - things are very black and white, good or bad. And when faced with a problem without a simple solution, Atsushi's unfortunate tendency is still to freeze up. This is not surprising - he may be 18, but he's a very... how do I put this... a very young 18. He hasn't had anyone teach him these things or guide him. He very much craves support and encouragement from others. He likely also didn't see much of the world outside the orphanage before he was kicked out either. And let's not forget how absolutely shot his self-esteem is. The fact that Atsushi functions and believes in the best in people as well as he does is testament to how kind-hearted and resilient of a person he is.

But here's the problem: Atsushi's self-confidence hasn't done much developing.

What Atsushi has learned throughout the story is how incredible the Agency as a whole is, and as he grows to learn and care about them and realize that he has been given a place to belong, he grows to support them in turn; pulls his weight in a number of increasingly badass ways (he caught a bullet with his teeth. GODDAMN). But all that confidence goes away the moment he is left alone. Atsushi has confidence in his own strength in a group - and only in a group.

Unfortunately, the Agency, though I believe well-intentioned, kind of enables this mentality in him. We see Ranpo, Kunikida and Kyouka in turn, who echo things they have said and would say to this situation.

"Don't you even know that?" Ranpo would ask this, rhetorically, and then solve it himself. Atsushi would not have time to come up with an answer of his own.

"Failure is unacceptable." Kunikida would say this and then act, no matter what. Atsushi would be left to follow what he does.

"You don't have to do anything." Kyouka would protect him. Atsushi wouldn't have to do anything because she would grab his arm and take over from there.

See what's happening here? These are no longer demeaning words from the headmaster (in fact, I want to reiterate that I believe they are all well-intentioned), but they still insinuate that Atsushi is incapable on his own. And indeed it's interesting that Atsushi sees these "visions" of Dazai guiding him all throughout the hunting dogs, sky casino and decay of angels arcs. I, for one, think this is just Atsushi's imagination and not a real vision (unless we get some evidence to the contrary in the future) but for now, it implies that Atsushi's self-confidence is still so abysmal that he has to imagine someone giving him advice and advising him on what to do - instead of being able to consciously admit these ideas are his own.

And then Fitzgerald shows up - "No one expects anything from you." Looming over him, a symbol of power and status over the panicked, conflicted form of a boy who feels eternally powerless without support.

And then it gets interesting.

Akutagawa shows up in Atsushi's mind, for the first time in a guiding role, not a demeaning one. And there's a definite reason for this - when Atsushi was all alone, when he admitted to himself he had no idea what to do and was terrified to be left to fight with no one else with him - who showed up?

Akutagawa. Akutagawa, who in spite of everything, fought by his side and was reliable. And the thing is, Akutagawa cannot take over, not in their kind of plans, or they just won't work. They have to work together. They have to be equals. And on some level, I think this part shows Atsushi's realization of the rather surprising amount of trust Akutagawa had to have placed in him - and him alone. I find it rather heartbreaking that Atsushi appears to have just now started to realize this after their plan failed due to a lack of trust (mostly on his side I'd say) and Akutagawa died.

So, Atsushi receives guidance from Akutagawa, and of course, from Dazai, the person he is extremely grateful for as a mentor. They don't tell him what to do. But still, Atsushi is guided into looking - "get out of your head" and moving - "the door is right there - do something about it". These "visions" still spur Atsushi into action, but the action itself? It's Atsushi's alone.

Atsushi still needs to justify his actions by imagining others giving him support, but this is definite progress for him restoring a sense of personal... agency (see what I did there?) within himself.

And yes, his eventual course of action is to find Fukuzawa and have him make the final decision on the matter - but really now, he's just been told something that apparently has Teruko (who I am certain is older than much of the cast and likely a former soldier from the war) drained and tired and seemingly conflicted herself - this isn't really the kind of issue you want to be deciding on all by yourself. Also, admitting you don't know what to do but moving forwards anyways to actively ask for advice or help is very much still making a decision and moving forward. Actively asking someone what they think about a complex situation is very different from being passive while others take control around you.

Atsushi made the decision to walk out that door into uncertainty. And I am convinced he's going to have to pick a course of action anyways - as of right now, Fukuzawa is out of commission, as are Dazai, Akutagawa, Ranpo and Kunikida (we don't know where Kyouka is yet).

It's been a long time coming, but this is serious progress for his character.

#i will say that it's interesting that the big previous self-informed idea atsushi had - working with the mafia against the guild #he also went to approach fukuzawa #i think there's something in that too but i'm too tired atm #to clarify though - in the guild arc he was very certain that the truce was the right decision #and here he is uncertain which is where his confidence consistently fails him throughout the story #anyways idk what people thought of this scene or what but this is how i read it? i guess?#bsd #bsd atsushi #bsd akutagawa #shin soukoku #sskk #bsd chapter 105 #bsd meta #hope this wasn't entirely incoherent #if it was... sorry about that :/#storyrambles #editing to add in that i love atsushi so much. sweet tiger boy. he's such a good bean

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kissesforsatoru · 2 years

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could you write some general yandere portmafia!dazai headcannons?

𓏲 ˖. pairings. . . dazai x reader

𓏲 ˖. summary. . . general yandere port mafia!dazai hc's

𓏲 ˖. warnings. . . general yandere themes, drugs, posessiveness, kidnapping, unhealthy relationships, manipulation, blackmail, emotional abuse, non-con, smut, suicide.

– port mafia dazai is literally one of the worst yanderes you could have. he's cold, he's merciless, he's violent, and he's going to do absolutely anything to have you for himself.

– i think that he's impatient. unlike some yanderes who are willing to play the long game, dazai wants you immediately. he'll recklessly make decisions to manipulate you into his grasps. he doesn't care about who gets hurt in the process, even if it's himself, just that he has you.

– dazai will isolate you you. he'll threaten your friends and family, tell them to either leave you alone or die. and of course they're gonna choose their lives over you, so they kick you out and completely cut you off. you're left alone and confused, wondering why your family suddenly hates you. they didn't tell you anything, just told to get out because they never want to see you again. you were hurt, all alone, and scared.

– when dazai kidnaps you, he'll make you think that you're the reason your family left you. he'll tell you he's all you have, and you believe it because you really don't have any other choice.

– dazai is very manipulative, he'll do anything to get you to listen to him. if isolation doesn't work, he'll resort to guilt tripping you. i think he'd use his suicidal tendencies against you, he'll blame it on your disobedience and make you feel incredibly bad about it.

"do you really hate me so much that you can't even listen properly? you probably want me to kill myself, huh? if i die, it's your fault. you made me do it."

– in the beginning stages of your relationship, i think that dazai would use drugs to keep you pliant for him. it's simply just easier and safer for the both of you this way. he'll either slip some in your food or forcefully make you take them. when you're all drugged up and too weak to fight him, he can do basically anything he wants to you. he'll cuddle you and kiss you or, if he's in that mood, he'll slip his cock into your tight hole and fuck you slowly.

– dazai is very possessive and very clingy. he's always very close by or touching you in some way — weather his arm is around you or he's resting his head on your shoulder, it doesn't matter too much as long as he's touching you. he does really like having you in his lap though, where he can easily wrap his arms tightly around you and pull you close to his body. god, he adores the way you fit against him perfectly.

– while you're sitting on his lap he likes to kiss you. your lips and cheeks to your jaw, then down your neck and to your collarbone. he'll leave lots of hickeys, marking you as his for everyone to see. he'll make them nice and dark so that they can't be covered, not that he'd let you cover them anyway.

– he loves showing people that you're his, but he hates it when people look at you. he quickly gets pissed off if someone stares for too long and he blames you for it.

"do you like it when other guys look at you? i bet you'd just love for them to fuck you too, huh? well that's too fucking bad, 'cause i'm gonna fuck you 'till all you'll ever be able to think about again is me and my cock."

– when he's in a bad mood, he can be very mean towards you. he'll call you names and generally be very distant and cold, when usually he's very clingy and likes to coddle you. if you weren't listening or if you did something he didn't like, you'll be punished — and depending on what you did, the severity of it ranges. he's the kind of yandere who's willing to inflict a little pain on his darling to get what he wants, nothing too bad though. he won't do anything that'll leave lasting damage at least. but he can be very rough and violent at times and it's terrifying.

– i think he likes sexual punishment too. he'll be very rough, you might have bruises or you'll be too weak to walk for a few days. he'll make you suck his cock, shoving it all the way down your throat and keeping it there for a few seconds. he likes how you cry and gasp for air when he finally pulls back, but he'll shove it right back into your mouth and do it again.

– he's very kinky. knife play and gun play. he'll run a blade over your body when your desprate for a release, tell you to fuck yourself on his cock, but you can't go too fast or be too greedy otherwise you'll accidentally cut yourself. he'd probably fuck the nozzle of his gun into your hole too. it's not loaded, but you don't need to know that. he loves the mix of fear and arousal in your eyes, especially when you cry — your face is so pretty with tears streaming down your cheeks.

– other than when he's punishing you, dazai can be kind of sweet during sex. he makes sure you're feeling good and completely fulfilled. he'll edge you a little bit, but not too much. he'll just make you beg for him to fuck you 'cause he likes it when you're needy and desprate for him. then he'll overstimulate you until you're begging him to stop cause it's just too much for you. he loves to tease you.

"you have to beg for it, belladona. i'm not just gonna give you what you want. beg me like the good little slut you are. yeah, that's it, just keep begging and maybe i'll let you cum."

"you want me to stop already, angel? but just a few minutes ago you were begging for me to let you cum. oh, it's too much? you poor thing. you'll just have to take it since you begged for it."

– he can be rough and violent, but he still cares about your well being. aftercare with dazai is soft and sweet. he'll clean you off and kiss you while whispering about how good you are for him. and he'll cuddle you close so that the two of you can fall asleep together.

– port mafia dazai as a yandere is very scary, but i think that he's one of the more dangerous yanderes that's easy to deal with. as long as you listen and don't try to escape, you'll probably be fine. probably.

#bsd anime #yandere bsd #bsd dark era #bsd dazai #yandere bungo stray dogs x reader #yandere dazai #yandere x you #yandere dazai x reader #dazai headcanons #yandere dazai headcanons #yandere #yandere x darling #port mafia #bsd dazai osamu #dazai osamu #yandere imagines #yandere headcanons #yandere chuuya #dazai x reader

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awoogayanderes · 2 years

Text

Types of Yanderes : Bungou Stray Dogs

characters : osamu dazai, edowaga ranpo, atsushi nakajima, doppo kunikida, kenji miyazawa, jun’ ichiro tanizaki, kyōka izumi, yosano akiko, naomi tanizaki.

warnings : yandere behavior, toxic mindsets, manipulation, domestic abuse, imprisonment, self-harm, non healthy relationships. i do not condone any of these behaviors.

other notes : this is the ADA version! if i get inspired, i’ll probably do a port mafia version. a lot of these characters were hard to write for.

Osamu Dazai :

haijo-gata (排除型) - removal type

you are quite literally the reason he lives. he believes you’re too pure and naive for this washed out cruel world. you showed him kindness even after finding out his deepest flaws. he can’t let you be with anyone else, you’re his, his only. he knows he can’t kill your friends or your family but he can sure as hell threaten and blackmail them. he’s a selfish man, only wanting you to show him your feelings and your sweetness. he pulls you out of any communication with anyone and everyone. why are you talking to other people when he’s there? he’s the only one meant to be there for you. you’re his beloved, he’s not going to lose another person he genuinely cares about.

Edogawa Ranpo :

sutookaa-gata (すとーかーがた) - stalker type

he’s not the world’s greatest detective for no reason. he smiles as he finds out where you are with his super deduction. you can’t hide anything from him, he’ll find out everything. you pique his interest to the max and he wants to know every single little thing about you. when you aren’t around him, he can’t help but find out where you are. he’ll casually bring up your previous whereabouts the next time you guys meet. you’re confused, remembering that you never told him but he simply tells you that he used his “ability.” he’s not scared of telling you of his deduction since both you and him know that you’ll never be able to get away.

Atsushi Nakajima :

jishou-gata (自傷型) - self-harm type

coming from a rough and complicated childhood meant that he wasn’t shown love or compassion. when he met you, he saw how you pampered him and how you treated him with so much love. as much as he hates it, he loves how you patch him up and coo at him when he gets hurt. when he’s on missions, he just coincidentally cuts himself every time. he can’t help but blush at your worried face and soft words. if it means that you’ll take care of him, a few bruises and cuts don’t bother him. he just craves your soft touch and treatment. after a while, you always try your best to be with him so he won’t get hurt as much. he truly is in love with you and your protective nature.

Doppo Kunikida :

choukyou-gata (調教型) - training type

he needs you to meet all of his 58 criteria. he wants you to live by his standards, shaping you into the perfect darling. he has authority over you and he’s not afraid to use it. despite this, he’s a bit confused on why he’s like this, on why he wants you to be his interpretation of perfection rather than let you be your own person. he treats you more like a doll or a dog rather than his significant other. don’t ever bring it up though, unless you want a punishment for breaking his criteria. he loves you, just not how defiant you are against him. he thinks of marrying you, further preparing you for marriage and your life together.

Kenji Miyazawa ( platonic ) :

mugai-gata (無害型) - harmless type

he’s so kind to you, always treating you like royalty. i don’t think he would even realize he had some possessive thoughts over you. even if he does realize, he wouldn’t hurt you. you’re too important for him to lay a finger on you. he just wants you to be happy alongside him. forcing you into things would never be his forte. he watches over you, making sure nothing bad happens. nothing that you do can make him snap, he’s always there for you. he’s probably the safest yandere on this list, not wanting to cause you any harm, physically or emotionally. even in hard circumstances, he would never take it out on you. you’re too special.

Jun’ ichiro Tanizaki :

mousou-gata (妄想型) - delusion type

his illusions of you fill him up with so much joy. even if you’re not his partner, he’s so delusional with his visions, craving you even further. whenever you’re not around him, he’ll imagine you with him so he can pass the time. despite him trying to hide his delusion, he’ll slip up when he mentions things you do for him in his illusions that you actually haven’t done. he’ll try to play it off but doesn’t do a very good job at it. even then, he won’t stop with his light snow. he’s just so obsessed with you and can’t help but always imagine you alongside him. if his love for you overflows, he’ll straight up tell you about his fantasies, wanting you to accept him.

Kyōka Izumi ( platonic ) :

hogo-gata (保護型) - protective type

after seeing her parents die in front of her, she can’t risk your safety. she cares deeply about you and will protect you at any cost. despite this, she won’t use demon snow to protect you in fear that demon snow will kill you like she killed her mom. probably the second safest yandere since she doesn’t want to hurt you. you’re her best friend, the most precious person in her life. if anything happens to you, she wouldn’t let you be near her, blaming herself for not being able to protect you. she’ll maybe even go as far as teaching you self-defense. she won’t see another person she cares about die in front of her eyes.

Yosano Akiko :

DV-gata (DV型) - domestic violence type

your relationship with her is a whole rollercoaster. she’ll randomly cut you with a scalpel only for her to heal you with her ability. she has fun with you by breaking you and fixing you up again. if you cry to her, she’ll dismiss it, firing back that she always patches you up. you’re normally a victim of her abuse. like any other person, she gets stressed out and decides to take it out on you. even if she’s mad afterward, she’ll patch you up. yosano doesn’t want you to have an infection or any bruises. you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone due to her ability. but even then, she cares about you, just in her own twisted way.

Naomi Tanizaki :

shuuchaku-gata (執着型) - obsession type

like brother, like sister. she’s heavily obsessed on you. she’s drunk on the thoughts of you. she wants to know everything about you ranging from your favorite color to the color of your undergarments. she always wants to be with you, coddling you as her own. you’re hers and she’s yours. she’ll follow you around constantly, clinging to your side. she gets jealous easily, feeling possessive over you, her beloved darling. she just loves you so much, gladly taking a bullet for you. as long as you’re her significant other, there’s no shred of alone time for you. there’s no way she’s going to let go of you now. not ever.

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generalhumancloudalmond · 1 year

Text

Part 1: Tea

Part 2: Frindship

Ending 2: Red lycoris

...

White lilies

Platonic!Yandere!Atsushi x Child!Fem!Reader x Platonic!Yandere!Dazai

"I can't believe you did this on purpose, for my sake..."

Covering his face with his hands, Atsushi didn't even look at you, but from his reddened ear tips, you could tell that he was experiencing very strong emotions right now. And all because of you. When he was kicked out from orphanage, you voluntarily go with him.

"Well, actually, you were the only one who protected and helped me in the orphanage, and I just can't cope there without you, so you shouldn't make a selfless act out of it. But I don't know what we should do now either..."

"I'll rob someone!"

A sudden offer made you giggle because you knew he couldn't do something like that.

"Okay... Then I'll go through the trash cans, in case you don't succeed... Let's meet at that battered building then."

"Alright."

Atsushi smiled at you, mentally glad that you weren't angry or judging him for that cruel offer to rob someone. However, now he was very worried that he wouldn't be able to fulfill what was said and, frankly, he would like to rummage in the trash with you, but now he can't give a back. If you can find food and he can find money, then you can spend the night in a nicer place than on the street.

If you only knew that Atsushi would run into Dazai...

"I don't think it's a good idea to wait for the tiger here..."

"Why is that?"

"Because Y/n and I agreed to meet here and it would be bad if..."

"Atsushi, stop. I'll take care of everything."

Or rather, he have already taken care of it.

Footsteps sounded. The detective immediately slammed the book shut, and the boy shuddered. Atsushi wanted to shout for you to run away, but Dazai stopped him, gesturing for silence and staying put. Osamu left, leaving the boy shivering with thrill, fear and cold. He's waiting for the detective to bring you or give you a place to hide tonight. However, instead, he hears a crash and your cry calling to run.

This was tiger understands Atsushi. He would have run away, but the fear for your life is greater than for his own. He's the bait, he brought the tiger. It's all his fault and not yours. Approaching the place, the boy begins to get angrier at himself, tears run down his face. And with every step he hears more and more clearly the roar of an angry tiger.

Dazai jumped out at you from behind, hugging you tightly, he didn't let you move an inch. He put so much effort into hiding you from the mafia, from Mori, even faked your death to discourage the underground organization from looking for you, that now he simply couldn't believe that his whole plan had come true.

"Y/n, my sister."

Dazai buries his nose in your hair, saying something about how much he missed you and how glad it's over. You only think about Atsushi and the mafia that Dazai is in. He'll kill him if he finds out about tiger. Abruptly, you hit the detective on the jaw with your own head. Out of surprise, he lets you go and you stumble dropping some junk.

"Atsushi run!"

A white tiger with a loud roar jumped out right in front of you and looked at Dazai with predatory eyes, covering you with his body.

"And you're faster than I thought. But why don't you attack?"

The animal didn't move, only growled harder, calling for a stop.

"Did you really decide to go on the defensive to protect my Y/n from me?"

The animal's patience is over. The white fur of the tiger stood on end, the pupils, covered with a veil of hatred and anger, narrowed even more, and drool poured out of the gaping mouth. You and Dazai knew that tiger would lose. The tiger is the embodiment of an ability, a useless weapon that doesn't work on Dazai.

You had to do something. You didn't want to lose either Atsushi, who constantly supported you and was by your side, or tiger, who made a rustle on other children and in the orphanage was able to become not only the shadow of his user, but yours too. At the same time, neither the tiger nor, of course, Atsushi have ever wounded anyone. That's probably why both of you stayed at the orphanage for so long.

"Ability: no longer human."

"Wait!"

Too late. The tiger disappeared, leaving its user disarmed. Dazai smiled at you with his kindest smile. He doesn't see anything bad in Atsushi that could harm you, on the contrary, this boy can become very useful if the mafia finds out about you. He just needs a little training. And as for your good attitude towards him, now then Dazai is in the agency, he has every chance to return it.

#reader #yandere #platonic #platonic yandere #bsd #platonic bungou stray dogs #child reader #yandere dazai #platonic dazai #platonic yandere Dazai #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai osamu #platonic atsushi #yandere atsushi #platonic yandere atsushi

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play-rough · 17 days

Note

Hello there!

I’m not really sure how to start this, but I’ve been in a bit of a sad mood. A few days ago, some drunk scumbags cursed me out in the street because I’m a practicing Muslim. So, I’ve just been sad; so to cheer myself up I’ve been thinking about the baby Otter. And, if it’s okay, I wanted to share some of my thoughts.

So, this one is a little sad, but I hope this is okay.

I can imagine Dazai forcibly regressing while he’s in hiding, because he’s just so sad and going through withdrawal of his suppressants. He’s curled up into a ball on a cheap motel mattress, hugging his knees to avoid having more body parts than necessary touch the scratchy sheets. His nose is red, fresh tears paint his face, and there’s dried snot everywhere. He’s hugging a bunched up towel, and trying to pretend it’s Fishie giving him a hug.

He needs Chuuya so badly; but Dazai is bad. He left without saying Bye-bye, and that wasn’t kind. He knew Chibi hated when he just left without a word. He’s a bad baby.

He doesn’t deserve to be Chibi’s baby.

Without thinking, he subconsciously dials Chibi’s number off of his most recent burner phone. He just listens to the phone ringing, and starts to drift off; but, then he hears it.

“Hello,” the sound of his Chibi’s voice wakes him from his trance. He rises up, and shouts out a greeting.

“This is Nakahara Chuuya, I’m unable to take your call, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” With that, Dazai breaks down into sobs. Chibi always answered his calls, but Dazai should’ve known better. He’s not Chibi’s baby anymore. He left, and Chuuya hates him.

He sobs out apology after apology, begging Chuuya to understand why he left, and to please forgive him. Eventually, he reaches a limit to how long of a message he can leave, and Dazai drifts off into a painful slumber. When he wakes up, he doesn’t remember much of the night before. He bleaches the motel room, leaves through a window, and chucks his burner phone into a random trash can.

Unbeknownst to him, as he sits on the subway taking him away from Kobe. A very hungover Chuuya wakes up, who stayed out way to late drinking with a new recruit named Tachihara. As he slowly wakes up, and absently drinks a coffee, he checks his phone. Nothing really stands out, except for a voicemail from an unknown number. Chuuya usually just deletes those without listening, but he felt a tug to listen to it anyway.

“Ch-ib-i, it’s me,” even though it had been a year, and the voice is sob filled, Chuuya would always recognize his Baby’s voice.

Chuuya’s heart shatters as he listens to Dazai self deprecate, as he says sorry for not saying Bye-bye to Chibi and Fishie. Calling himself a bad baby, but he was trying to be good. Saying he promised Oda he would be good, and that’s why he had to leave. He sobbed and sobbed, and said how much he missed Chuu and Fishie.

Dazai’s voice his cut off as the voicemail limit has been reached. Chuuya immediately tries calling Dazai back, but the lines been disconnected. Anger fills him, as he chucks his coffee against the wall using tainted. Arahabaki is screaming in his head, that Chuuya must kill those who made their Baby cry.

Chuuya had failed. His Baby had needed him, and Chuuya didn’t pick up the call. He had spent a year thinking that Dazai didn’t want him anymore, and he felt like such an idiot for believing that. Well, no more. Chuuya was going to find his Baby no matter what. He wouldn’t fail again.

Um, I didn’t mean to basically write a whole one shot, and I’m sorry if I’m being a bother. You’re series just brings me so much joy.

I hope you’re having a wonderful day,

-Rosie 🌹

Rosie I am so sorry that happened to you 🩷 thank you so much for sharing this, it was delightful and deliciously angsty 🥺 i hope your day gets better, you’re beautiful and kind and important and people care about you 🩷🩷 fuck those drunk losers

Again this is so beautiful and I really appreciate you sending it my way 🩷

#dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya #sfw agere #skk #💌

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zukkaoru · 5 months

Note

Do u have any kunidazai or kunichudazai fic recs at all? Seeing ur posts I wanna dip my toe in but would love to read any faves u have also!!

YES YES YES most of these will be oneshots bc that's mostly what i read + rated t or g unless stated otherwise. the rest are under the cut bc this got (expectedly) long lol

kunidazai:

let Hope die by degradedpsychotic

Dazai smirks at him, in the process of filling the rice cooker. "Need help?" Kunikida exhales, and it takes the form of a bitter laugh. "That's all I ever need anymore."

4.3k words, post-decay of angels arc. dazai and kunikida are learning to navigate the world with injuries that they will never fully recover from (dazai w chronic leg pain + kunikida w chronic hand pain)

the tragic (pony)tail of dazai’s downfall by sarcoline_sails

five times Kunikida has his hair down, and one time Dazai ensures it stays that way.

6.6k words. exactly what it says on the tin

Piled Up by KhaoticEnby

Kunikida gets sick in the midst of a busy time at the ADA. Dazai, just back from his mission, tries his best to help him

3.4k words, established relationship

sure it's a calming notion (perpetual in motion) by saffroncassis

the one where Dazai digs himself a hole, and then just keeps digging deeper.

5.3k words. instead of admitting he likes kunikida, dazai says he just wants to have sex with him. because when has dazai ever been honest about his feelings? (there's no smut, but there are references to and jokes about sex)

but in that uncertainty, i found you. by warsfeil

In which everyone gets injured and two inept individuals wonder about the meaning of partnership.

3.4k words. dazai gets injured and kunikida worries; then kunikida gets injured and dazai worries

kunichuuzai:

thin ice over a monstrous depth by luminariums

Chuuya and Dazai are fifteen years old when Kouyou insists they learn the art of dancing. It shapes the way Chuuya views his relationships - until Kunikida comes along and flips his whole world upside down.

8k words, chuuya-centric, part-character/relationship study and part-getting (back) together. this fic focuses mostly on the kunichuu and skk dynamics since it's chuuya-centric but ohhhh it is. SO good

all brutal mirrors cracked by intimatopia

The one in which Dazai and Kunikida are swapped into each other's bodies by a mirror, and then their day gets worse.

12.4k words, dazai pov with established skk. THIS FIC. oh my god this fic i read it through like 3-4 times within the first week i found it. it's such a fascinating take on the body swap trope with good angst and a happy ending. i can get really picky with dazai angst but this. this fic. this fic does it RIGHT.

Listen to Your Heart by 4_the_tainted_sorrow_21

Kunikida gets used as a pillow for his boyfriends, but he finds he doesn't mind it very much.

1k words, kunikida pov, established kunichuuzai. very short and very sweet. they just get to cuddle <3

Cover Me In Chamomile by ChaoticQuill

Kunikida has a bad day, and his boyfriends take care of his portion of the chores.

6.7k words, kunikida pov. getting together/developing relationship + domestic kunichuuzai

A Trick of the Tongue by AbsoluteNegation

“Just because I lie all the time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s my fault I was cursed to tell the truth,” Dazai said indignantly and automatically. They both sat there while that statement unfurled its full glory before them.

47.5k words, 9 chapters, dazai pov. part character study, part getting (back) together. dazai is cursed to tell the truth, which he takes exactly as well as you would expect. but everything works out in the end <3 warning: this fic is rated e with smut in chapter 8 (i believe it's just that one scene with implied/referenced sex in the epilogue/ch9 but the smut can definitely be skipped)

and idk if you've read them or not but here are my fics as well:

warm leftovers

after the threesome, kunikida and dazai take chuuya home

2.1k words, chuuya pov, established kunidazai + pre-kunichuuzai. personally one of my favorite bsd fics i've written i think

desperate prayers of a cursed man

dazai can't remember the last time he slept through the night. if anyone were to ask, he'd say it's not a problem. but when the rest of the world is asleep, humanity is a hard thing to come by.

4k words, mostly a dazai character study with background established kunichuuzai tbh

though i burn, how could i fall?

kunikida assumes the position of agency president. somewhere between shaking hands, pastry boxes, and dazai leaving the door open, he learns leadership also means knowing when to take a step back and trust others will help you shoulder your burdens.

8.8k words, kunikida-centric. spawned a series that currently has two other fics but since this is the first, it can easily be read as a stand alone. features kunikida with hand tremors and dazai with chronic leg pain + crutches

if you look back and you hate my past

dazai contemplates his (lack of) humanity while kunikida tends to his wounds

3.3k words, dazai character study, pre-kunidazai with nods towards past skk. i wrote this after i finished reading dazai's entrance exam light novel and had a breakdown

the sound of love

kenji gets sick. luckily, he has a lot of people who are looking out for him.

4.5k words, kenji-centric with established kunichuuzai mostly in the background but there are soft and sweet moments with them so i'm adding it too

i'm probably forgetting other fics i've read and enjoyed but this is long enough as is so i'll just leave it here skgfhgjhk hopefully you can find some stuff in here that looks interesting 🫶

#i'm actually not kidding when i say i think about all brutal mirrors cracked All The Time #i think that fic permanently altered my brain chemistry #everything on this list is good obviously but there is just Something about that fic that makes me go crazyyyyyyy #anyway! i hope you enjoy anon #asks #anon asks #fic rec #kunichuuzai #kunidazai #bsd #TUMBLR STOP MESSING UP FORMATTING WHEN I POST CHALLENGE

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sickficideas · 1 year

Text

no promises || kunizai sickfic

ao3! 7.4k, mild nsfw/emeto themes - please refer to this link for warnings/tags! request for @potatopersonal on ao3!!

"Is Atsushi -"

"We've got it under control, Dazai. I need you to take this, you're the only one in any real danger here and you know that," Yosano tells him in that scolding mother voice of hers that often reminds him that she's the older one.

She's holding a cup of activated charcoal, something that he's dreadfully familiar with. He's taken it against his will and of his own accord on many occasions through his time with the Port Mafia, and he thinks even once or twice at the Armed Detective Agency, but this time he's not the culprit of his own demise.

He realizes that Yosano isn't going to give in and that she's really asking him to take it right here, right now - so he does like she's asked of him and somehow manages to down the entire cup without a pause.

It always makes him vomit. Every single time, without fail. The texture is so awful, and on top of that, he thinks his body has developed some sort of gag reflex specifically for this substance because he's taken it so many times against his will.

He and Atsushi were both poisoned downstairs at the cafe just about a half hour ago, he thinks. They only noticed because Atsushi started to feel incredibly unwell. Dazai doesn't know if he didn't get hit as hard because he's been poisoned before, or if Atsushi had much more of the poison than he did - either way, he's much more concerned about him.

This has happened before, this exact scenario, back when Dazai was a Port Mafia Executive. He and Akutagawa were both poisoned in the same way, their drinks being spiked. Dazai's health back then was much worse and it took him a lot longer to recover, but Akutagawa was unconscious for two weeks. Dazai thought he would never wake up. He remembers Gin asking him if he was going to die. He can still remember tears in her eyes that he'd never seen before or since then.

He can't believe he's let this happen twice. Why was he so careless?

"Yosano, he's - is he unconscious?" Dazai hardly manages to choke out before he feels the charcoal push its way back up his esophagus. Yosano's well prepared, of course, with a bedpan under his chin just seconds before a gag forces everything to splatter into the pan. He sucks in a breath and groans.

"He's conscious, and I need you to stay with me, too," Yosano says. Dazai can feel himself getting seriously lightheaded, and obviously it's bad enough for Yosano to notice, too. "I need you to take more of it, I'm sorry."

Dazai doesn't know if he can stay conscious. He can see the black creeping into his peripheral and he knows that's a sign that he's losing the battle. He lets Yosano do what she needs to do and he helps her as much as he can in his half-conscious state. He's really trying to fight it. Yosano forces more of the active charcoal down his throat and it bubbles back up in no time at all. Dazai's not even sure where the vomit ended up this time.

“Put me out of my misery,” he chokes out.

“I can’t do that, Dazai, I’m a licensed physician,” she reminds him for the hundredth time. Mori sure didn’t have a problem trying to help him die, but he didn’t care much about the law. He starts wondering if Mori even had a license at all, but his brain starts to fog up, and his eyes unfocus.

He can hear her saying his name. She sounds desperate, but his body is starting to go numb, and he can't respond. He can't fight it anymore.

At least, if he dies, it won't be painful.

But Atsushi -

…

Kunikida hasn't been this stressed in a long time. He's very aware that his presence stresses Yosano out so he's kept himself out of the infirmary and he's been sitting on a stray chair across from the couch. He's trying to stay calm, but he's deeply concerned for Dazai. Yosano reported that he started seizing, which is a bad sign.

Atsushi is sitting on the couch across from Kunikida, his expression looking just as solemn. He's still hooked up to an IV at Yosano's request with how dehydrated he is. He's only just now started to improve after hours of dealing with a raging fever and vomiting - Yosano thinks that his ability is slowly starting to mend his body and allowing the symptoms to subside, with the help of her own ability. She told him to stay out of the infirmary because she had a feeling the smell of the antiseptic was making him feel worse, with his heightened senses.

Dazai doesn't have anything to help him out. No ability to heal himself, and no possibility of Yosano interfering, so they're not even sure if he should be improving at this point.

"Kunikida?" Atsushi starts. His voice sounds hoarse. He coughs a few times to clear his throat.

"He'll be fine. Don't worry. He's always fine," Kunikida tells him, already knowing what he's going to say. He straightens up. "I want you to go home as soon as Kyoka gets here. You need to rest and I know you won't be doing that here."

"But I don't want to go," Atsushi murmurs. His voice sounds wobbly. He's been crying on and off for hours, Kunikida wouldn't be surprised if he started again now, but he's trying to keep him in good spirits.

"I get it, Atsushi. Trust me," he sighs. He pushes his glasses up to the top of his head and rubs at his eyes. "But you need to look after yourself too."

"Will you tell me if something happens?" Atsushi asks quietly.

"Of course I will."

Thankfully, it's not long until Kyoka is back from the medical supply errand she was asked to run for Yosano. She's incredibly worried about Atsushi, it's obvious even for someone who rarely shows strong emotion. He cries into her shoulder for a while, and she lets him. He's so drained, mentally and physically, that no one tries to cheer him up. Kunikida almost hopes that the tears will tire him out and help him sleep.

They all wish Atsushi well before the two of them leave, and not long after, Yosano makes an appearance back in the office, gathering concerned looks from everyone inside. Fukuzawa has appeared, too.

"He's not improving the way I'd like him to," Yosano says quietly, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm keeping a close eye on him, but if he needs supplemental care I'll have to send him to a hospital."

Kunikida wastes no time in slipping inside the infirmary to see him as Yosano addresses the rest of the staff. He's at the one closest to the door. Kunikida's heart drops when he sees him.

Dazai's frame looks incredibly small and fragile in the cot like this. It's so rare to see him in such a state. Kunikida would have thought this is the kind of thing Dazai would never ever fall victim to, but he supposes every human lets their guard down. Even superhumans like Dazai.

Kunikida isn't sure if he's unconscious or not, but either way, he's in pain. Kunikida can see it in the way his face is all twisted up, the sweat collecting at his hairline. He wants to do something.

He sits down on the cot right beside his and sighs.

"What the hell have you gotten yourself into?" Kunikida sighs.

An hour or so passes, and Kunikida spends his time completely still at Dazai's bedside, trying to stay out of Yosano's way. Ranpo comes back from a job with the Yokohama police and quickly assures them that the attack on Dazai and Atsushi was an angry client of theirs. Ranpo knows who it is, and he's already on the case - and before long, he leaves to catch him, with Kenji in tow to apprehend him by physical means.

Kunikida was starting to worry it had something to do with Dazai's past at the Port Mafia. That would open a whole new can of worms. This is easy, something they can handle with no issue.

"One of my friends up in Tokyo is a poison specialist. I'll take the sample there and he'll help me create an antidote for him without using any abilities, that way it’ll work on him…" Yosano murmurs. Kunikida heard her mention she already tried ability-based antidotes she’s acquired, just in case there were somehow enough degrees of separation for it to work, but with no luck.

Yosano tells him this with a briefcase in hand and her lab coat, something she doesn't wear as often nowadays, letting him know that she's leaving now.

Yosano gives him a list of ranges for his vital signs to look out for, and any symptoms that could appear that would require a hospital visit.

"Shouldn't you stay with him instead?" Kunikida asks nervously, looking up at her. He's not sure about this. Dazai doesn't seem to be doing well at all, for the only doctor on their staff to leave him. God, his stomach is starting to hurt from the stress. “What if he has another seizure?”

"I trust you. If you think he needs to go to the hospital at any point, do that. Don't ask me first," Yosano says. "I know you'll do what's best for him. He hasn’t seized in at least an hour, so I think that’s over with for now.”

Kunikida bites his lip. He hopes she's right.

…

It’s almost eight o’clock in the evening now, and Dazai has been unconscious since the first time he had a seizure.

He’s stable. His vital signs haven’t changed, he hasn’t had any seizures, and Kunikida has checked in with Yosano a few times. She expects him to wake up soon. Kunikida started working himself up, horrified that Dazai has slipped into some sort of coma, but Yosano doesn’t seem to think that’s a possibility.

“Kenji caught the culprit. He’s been placed in a holding cell until they can prove his guilt,” Ranpo says as he hands Kunikida the report. He’s stopped by to hand it off to Kunikida. Kenji has already gone home.

“They didn’t take your word for it?” Kunikida asks, half joking as he thumbs through the pages. Ranpo doesn’t do a very good job at filling these out, so Kunikida usually has to fix most of it for him.

“The guy’s a cop, of course. So they’re protecting him,” Ranpo grumbles, mildly annoyed. “Sounds like he was after Dazai specifically. Couldn’t give me a solid reason, but I know he’s been a client before. He knows something about Dazai’s…previous job. I’m sure.”

Kunikida bites his lip. As long as the guy is behind bars.

“How is he?” Ranpo asks. “Stable?”

“Yeah. Yosano isn’t too worried about him getting worse too quickly,” Kunikida mumbles, “but he’s not getting better.”

“Be careful with him. You know how he gets around Yosano when he’s not in his right mind,” Ranpo warns, and that’s the last thing he says to him before he waves him off and leaves the Agency.

Kunikida finds himself standing at that front door, staring at the report cover, thinking about what Ranpo said. It’s only happened once - Yosano was trying to treat Dazai after he collapsed from a high fever, but he wouldn’t let Yosano touch him. It was the most hysteric that Kunikida has ever seen him. They weren’t sure what was going on, but obviously, Yosano specifically reminded him of someone from his past.

He's pulled out of his thoughts for a moment when he hears something fall.

He tosses the report on his desk and almost sprints over to where the sound came from, certain Dazai is the source of it. He turns into the infirmary and Dazai is crumpled on the floor, turned into himself, arms shaking and breath hitching. The fluid stand is on the floor beside him.

"Dazai, what the hell?" Kunikida starts, carefully kneeling down beside him. He reaches out to touch his cheek. His skin hot to the touch. Kunikida knew he was running a fever, but this seems much worse than before. He curses under his breath.

"Where is…where…" Dazai murmurs. His eyes are dark and unfocused as he tries to force himself off the floor. His arms are hardly support his weight. He’s shivering, Kunikida thinks, but he’s not sure if it’s from the fever, or from fear. His eyes meet Kunikida’s once he’s at level with him, but his expression doesn’t change.

"You shouldn't have gotten up, what are you doing?" Kunikida chides nervously. Dazai can't answer, and he pulls himself out of Kunikida’s way fast enough to vomit on the tile floor instead of his vest.

Kunikida curses to himself. It's just a splatter of bile and activated charcoal, it looks like, but he doesn't know if it's good that he's still throwing up like this. Dazai’s breath hitches and he gags again, this time, only spitting up saliva.

Kunikida reaches forward to touch him, to offer him a comforting hand or something, but the second he does, Dazai whips his head around with eyes wider than he's ever seen them.

He looks scared. Why on earth would he be scared? He didn’t look like this a minute ago, but Kunikida quickly recognizes this as the look from the time Ranpo referenced earlier.

Dazai scrambles to get away from him, he rips the IV that was somehow still attached out of his arm and somehow manages to stand himself up, but one wrong move has him crumpled on the floor again, right after his head made contact with the metal framing of the cot he was using for support. Kunikida is trying to keep his cool. He's only seen Dazai like this once before, he doesn't know what to do. Does he need to call an ambulance? Should he call Yosano?

"Dazai," Kunikida says, biting his lip to keep his cool. He stands up to get on the other side of him. He needs to get him back in bed, but the moment he touches his arm, Dazai flinches so hard that Kunikida is almost worried he'll hurt himself. He's sure he hears him whimper. God, his heart aches.

"Don't," Dazai mumbles. He's shaking, and his voice shakes with him as he turns his head away. Kunikida doesn't know what's gotten into him. He wonders if his fever has gotten so high that he's hallucinating.

"Dazai, it's Kunikida," he tells him quietly, tightening his grip on his arm. He needs him back to reality.

Miraculously, Dazai stops trying to get away.

Kunikida doesn't waste any time. He scoops him up into his arms and carries him back to the cot he was in earlier. He tries to lay him down, but Dazai's gripping onto his shirt, refusing to let go.

Kunikida takes his head and tucks it under his chin. He lets out a shaky breath. If Dazai wasn’t so out of it, he’d give him a talking-to about how much he scared him.

"Where…" he murmurs into Kunikida’s chest, still holding on.

"You're in the infirmary," Kunikida tells him. He almost wonders how Ranpo could have guessed this would happen, but of course it did. "At the Armed Detective Agency."

He feels him relax in his hold, just enough to let Kunikida worry a little less.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m sorry,” Kunikida says quietly, holding him a little closer. He can’t imagine waking up in a hospital cot by himself like that, in the dark infirmary. No wonder he was so freaked out, especially with that fever - Kunikida has concerns that Dazai’s fear just now was more deeply rooted in something else entirely, something that Kunikida will likely never be able to get him to admit.

Kunikida holds him like that for a while and Dazai starts to breathe normally. He’s not shaking as much, but he feels him shiver every now and then, and after long enough, Dazai barely manages to pull out of Kunikida’s hold to gag, and bring up more activated charcoal onto the bed sheets. He coughs a few times, but nothing else comes up.

Kunikida sighs. Of course, he can’t help it. Thankfully there’s plenty of other cots in here, so Kunikida decides he’ll move him to the next one. “Can I pick you up again?” Kunikida asks.

Dazai’s frame melts back into Kunikida’s hold to tell him yes with a whimper, and Kunikida scoops him up to lay him down on the other cot. This is probably better anyway, fresh cool sheets ought to do him some good.

Kunikida takes a comforter from a different cot to lay over Dazai, and he’s realized too late that his arm is still bleeding from where he pulled out the IV - not much, but enough to leave marks. He rummages through the supply drawers beside the cot to grab some gauze and wrap to wrap it up, at least, and as he carefully pulls it around Dazai’s arm, he sees his head tilt in his direction.

"Is Atsushi okay?" he asks, almost sounding out of breath at the effort it took him to say it. Kunikida is beyond relieved to hear him speaking coherently.

"He's fine, Dazai. He's home with Kyoka and she'll let us know if anything goes wrong," Kunikida assures as he closes the wrap. "Worry about yourself, for once."

Dazai doesn't seem like he's going to take that into consideration even remotely. Atsushi at least listened to reason.

Kunikida needs to place another IV for fluids. He’s been vomiting so much that there’s simply not another option - he highly doubts he can get him to drink any water. The problem is that Dazai hates needles, at least when anyone else is using them on him in this kind of setting. Kunikida has seen him refuse fluids at hospitals before because of it. Kunikida isn’t sure if it’s just a general dislike or if it stems from trauma, since Dazai is whiney about most things, but he’s afraid of making things worse right now.

“I have to put another IV in,” Kunikida tells him, a hand wrapped around his wrist where he just wrapped up his arm.

“No,” Dazai whines, childishly turning his head away.

“I have to, Dazai. You’re still throwing up, you’re dehydrated,” Kunikida tells him. “And I know you won’t be able to keep water down.”

Dazai doesn’t turn his head back, but he makes no effort in trying to pull his arm away, either. He thinks he realizes he can’t avoid it.

“Is it okay if I take some of your bandages off?” Kunikida asks.

“Use the top of my hand,” Dazai murmurs, his head still turned away from Kunikida.

Kunikida stands up to gather what he needs - he’s done this enough times to know how to on his own, thankfully. While he’s up he decides to wet a cloth for Dazai’s forehead, hoping that will help distract him.

He brushes Dazai’s hair out of his face, and his dark eyes peer up at him with emotions that Kunikida can’t quite read. His hairline is damp from sweat. He lays his hand over his forehead again and frowns before he lays the washcloth over his burning forehead, and he shivers, but relaxes just a bit once he gets used to the feeling.

He pulls up a chair on the other side of the cot and turns on the lamp to get started. “Can you make a fist for me?”

Dazai obliges. His head turns up and his eyes are glued to the ceiling, looking for something else to focus on. Kunikida takes note of how his breaths quicken, just a bit. Kunikida needs to distract him.

"You seem familiar with this situation. Am I correct?" Kunikida asks. Kunikida was at the cafe with them when it happened. Dazai shouted for someone to get Yosano as soon as Atsushi said he felt nauseous because it was far too soon after he complained of the taste of the tea. Dazai had his fingers down the poor kid’s throat to get him to vomit before Kunikida could even piece together what was happening. He’s been wondering if this happened to him before.

"Mhm," Dazai mumbles after taking in a sharp breath.

"So this has happened to you before," Kunikida says.

"Mhm," Dazai nods. At first, Kunikida thinks he's just going to drop it, because even though Kunikida knows about Dazai's past now, he's still not any more open to sharing the details. "Almost…this exact scenario. With me, and…my subordinate."

"Yeah? Someone spiked your drinks?" Kunikida asks, making sure he has good placement before he uses the needle.

"Mhm," Dazai mumbles. "My subordinate was…he was unconscious for two…three? Two weeks, I think."

Kunikida wasn't aware he had any direct subordinates, but he supposes it makes sense, given Dazai's rank as an executive. It's so strange how he's never mentioned anything even remotely alluding to their existence. He uses that brief moment to stick Dazai, and he flinches, but manages to keep his arm still enough to not pull anything out. “Good. Good job, that part’s over.”

“I hate those things,” Dazai murmurs feverishly. His breaths have gotten a bit faster now, and Kunikida makes a mental note to remind himself he still has to get him hooked up to the monitoring machines again.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Kunikida says gently as he starts to dress Dazai’s hand. He wants to comfort him, somehow, but he thinks the best thing to do for someone like Dazai is a distraction. "How long ago did it happen? Long time ago?”

Somehow, turning the conversation back around to the previous topic has worked a bit. Dazai focuses back on that. "Yeah, must've been…sixteen, I think."

"You had subordinates at sixteen?" Kunikida huffs, looking up at him for a brief moment. "How old were they?"

"He was…fourteen, I think," he breathes out. Kunikida bites his lip. He knew that the mafia recruited a lot of their members very young, after all, Kyoka stands to show that.

"You recruited him?" Kunikida says. It’s hard to imagine. Kunikida almost wonders if he’s joking, but he doesn’t have the energy for that right now. "A fourteen-year-old."

"I did," Dazai admits.

"Still alive?" Kunikida asks.

"Mhm. You've met him," Dazai says turning his head back towards him. Kunikida reaches forward with his free hand to readjust the washcloth on his head, as it’s started to slip.

Well, now Kunikida's intrigued. He keeps eye contact. "Who? That redhead?"

Dazai scoffs and rolls his eyes. "Hell no."

"Then who?"

"C'mon, guess,” Dazai says, Apparently, he’s gathered enough energy to mess him with. Kunikida will take it, it’s a good sign.

"I have no clue, Dazai. Tell me," Kunikida huffs, exasperated. He turns his attention back to dressing the IV catheter on Dazai’s hand, which he’s almost finished with. "I don't even know that many Port Mafia dogs by name. Akutagawa is the only one I can think of."

Dazai tilts his head to the side with a cheeky grin. The washcloth starts to slide down his face.

"You're kidding,” Kunikida blinks, reaching back up to fix it. “Stop moving so much.”

"Not kidding."

"You've known him the whole time?" Kunikida exclaims. He feels like he should be angry, but somehow it makes sense. Dazai always seemed a little too eager to brush off any mention of the so-called Hellhound of the Port Mafia. Kunikida thinks he even recalls Dazai slipping up and mentioning a detail about him that none of the rest of them knew, but that memory was lost to him until now.

"I couldn't tell you I knew him. That'd give me away," Dazai shrugs, this time, seemingly making an effort to keep his head still.

"Your information would've been helpful, though," Kunikida grumbles, attaching the line to Dazai’s hand to get the fluids going.

"You knew everything you needed to know. He's a Port Mafia attack dog and he'll kill anything he sees," Dazai says incredibly casually.

"And you've known him since he was fourteen, huh?" Kunikida asks, sitting back in the chair as he crosses his arms over his chest.

Dazai's expression changes, but it's an emotion that Kunikida doesn't quite recognize. "Mhm."

Kunikida can't really fathom any of this. A sixteen-year-old Dazai with a fourteen-year-old Akutagawa is just something his brain can't even picture - both of them younger than even Atsushi is now. Dazai having any connection to someone as cold-blooded as Akutagawa doesn't make any sense to him.

When he looks over at Dazai again, his eyes are lost. He's somewhere else. Kunikida doesn't know what life was like for him in the Port Mafia, but it can't have been good. He was already a major alcoholic by the time he joined the Detective Agency, and Kunikida still remembers the shiver that ran up his spine when he saw how thin he was under his clothes. He still doesn't eat meals regularly out of habit, it's something that Kunikida almost has to force on him, but he’s gotten much better about it.

Whatever happened to him damaged him much more than anything Kunikida could ever hope to fix on his own.

"Are you okay?" Kunikida asks him.

Dazai lifts his head with wide eyes like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't. "Huh? Oh, yeah."

“Let me get your temperature,” Kunikida says, taking the thermometer from the drawer out of the case. He sticks it under Dazai’s tongue for a few seconds and it ends up reading 102.3. That’s not horrible, but it isn’t good, either.

He looks back in Dazai’s direction to find that look in his eyes again, but this time, some of the color has started to drain from his face, and he notices him swallow thickly.

"You look nauseous," Kunikida comments.

"Uh-huh," Dazai mumbles. He burps into a closed fist and groans. "Need the pan."

Kunikida feels awful for him. Yosano couldn't give him a thing for his nausea because vomiting would actually help his specific situation according to what Yosano gathered, so he's probably been feeling horribly nauseous this entire time. Kunikida doesn’t see a bedpan in the drawer so he takes the trash bin and holds it under Dazai’s chin as he tries to sit himself up with a whine.

He spits into it, saliva getting caught on the sides as he huffs out breaths. He lays a hand over his stomach and groans. “Ugh…”

"Empty?" Kunikida asks. He can’t imagine he has much left in his stomach.

"No," Dazai breathes out, to Kunikida’s surprise, "won't come up."

Kunikida sighs. Of course. "Want me to help you?"

"Please," Dazai whines. He burps, and it sounds wet, but all that drips from his lips is saliva. "I suck at doing it myself, I… hrruk -"

A gag that brings up nothing, and Kunikida realizes he really will need help.

He's done this before. He's probably a pro at preventing overdoses because of Dazai, but this here isn't a life-or-death situation, at least.

He doesn't bother with gloves because he knows he'll wash his hands regardless, and he slips a hand past Dazai's saliva-coated lips, his other hand on the back of Dazai's neck to make sure he doesn't jolt back when his hand gets back far enough.

His mouth is warm, the insides of his cheeks are so soft. He’s trying to ignore the thought, but Dazai looks hot like this. His eyes red and tired, lips wet and almost swollen, cheeks flushed. Kunikida feels something he shouldn't in that moment, and he gets far enough back without realizing, and hot vomit spills over his hand without much warning.

It's not much. It's water and charcoal and bits of whatever is left in his stomach from lunch dripping down Kunikida’s hand and into the bin. Dazai whines and spits the bits left in his mouth into the bin. He breathes heavily over it and Kunikida haphazardly covers his hand in a layer of paper towels to avoid dripping Dazai’s stomach contents onto the floor on his way over to the sink, but he stays for a moment to make sure Dazai’s okay.

“Hurts,” Dazai groans. He burps over the bin, but of course, nothing comes up. He lays back but he holds onto the bin.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Kunikida sighs. He wishes he could do more to help him. “Will you be okay by yourself for a second?”

“Uh-huh,” Dazai murmurs, leaning back and pressing his hand against his stomach.

Kunikida remembers there’s a splatter of puke on the floor and on the cot Dazai was previously resting on that he needs to clean, but right now, he’s not keen on leaving Dazai out of his sight for too long. He washes his hands a bit longer than he needs to, and looks over his shoulder to check on Dazai one too many times - he hears him burp and gag a few times, but once Kunikida is on the way back to him, he’s laid back all the way, eyes screwed shut and breaths heavy.

Kunikida places the bin back on the floor as he sits in the chair again. He looks over the fluid stand and Dazai’s hand to make sure everything is still properly attached before he leans forward to flip over the washcloth on his warm forehead. “I’ll check with Yosano to see if there’s anything I can give you for that fever.”

“I just want my stomach to stop hurting,” Dazai whines, but he really sounds like he’s in pain.

“I know, Dazai,” Kunikida sighs, Yosano already told him that will have to wait until he gets an antidote. “Maybe we -”

“Can you…can you check on Atsushi for me?” Dazai asks, forcing his eyes open to look over at Kunikida. Kunikida finds it a bit out of nowhere. “Please.”

“I can do that,” Kunikida says. He hasn’t heard from Kyoka. Junichiro texted Kunikida a while ago to let him know he and Naomi would check in with the two of them occasionally to make sure they were doing okay, but that was all. He pulls out his phone and dials Kyoka’s number.

“Hello?” she answers nervously.

“Don’t worry. I’m just calling to make sure everything’s okay,” Kunikida says. He lowers his phone and puts it on speaker for Dazai to hear. “How’s Atsushi doing?”

“Kunikida? Is that you?” It’s Junichiro’s voice. He hears some shuffling, and suddenly Junichiro’s voice is much clearer. “Kyoka had to knock him out a little bit ago. He couldn’t sleep ‘cause he was so anxious. He was making himself sick.”

Kunikida’s shoulders sink. “Anxious about what?”

“He’s worried about Dazai,” Junichiro says a little more quietly, and Kunikida watches Dazai tense up in his peripheral. “We kept telling him he’d be okay. And you said you’d call if something went wrong, but…we had to use the last resort.”

Kunikida bites his lip as Dazai turns his head away.

“But I think it was good for him. He’s been sleeping well since then, maybe we should’ve knocked him out sooner,” Junichiro half-jokes. “Is Dazai doing okay? We’re worried too.”

“He’s doing fine,” Kunikida tells them. He doesn’t want to lie and say he’s better, but telling them how he’s really feeling will only worry them more. “Nobody needs to worry. We have everything under control and they’ll both be good as new once Yosano gets ahold of that antidote.”

They exchange a few more words before Junichiro tells him they should get to sleep too, and Kunikida realizes he’s probably in the same boat as Atsushi - he won’t be able to sleep in favor of worrying about Dazai, but he can’t sleep even if he wanted to. He has to make sure he stays stable until Yosano gets back.

Once he hangs up, Kunikida reaches to lay a hand over Dazai’s arm, but the way he’s breathing - so calmly - tells Kunikida that he’s fallen asleep. Kunikida almost has to wonder if he was getting himself that worked up over Atsushi in his fevered brain.

Kunikida gets him hooked back up to all of the necessary monitors while Dazai drifts off into a deeper sleep, and he changes the washcloth on his forehead, too. He looks so much more relaxed. His eyes aren’t screwed shut so tightly. He looks like he might actually get some good rest.

Kunikida presses a kiss up to his forehead before he changes the washcloth, and he sits back in the chair beside Dazai’s cot as he cracks open the report and gets back to work.

…

The rest of the night went by more smoothly than Kunikida could have asked for. He’s usually not a fan of pulling all-nighters like that, but he got caught up on the work he missed through yesterday’s situation. And even better, Dazai slept through the night.

“I have to pee,” Dazai mumbles as soon as he wakes up. The staff have started to file back into the building, Kunikida can hear it from across the hall, and the light has started to spill through the windows back into the infirmary.

Kunikida sits beside him on the cot to help him up, making sure Dazai doesn’t have any room to do another sprint across the infirmary like last night. He’s looking better, but he’s downright exhausted, shown in the dark circles under his eyes. It’s still obvious he doesn’t feel good.

“You won’t carry me?” Dazai pouts.

“Do you need me to? Or do you want me to carry you?” Kunikida huffs as he snakes an arm around his waist to help him up on his feet. His legs are still a bit wobbly, but he gets his footing, and uses the fluid stand pole for support.

“Want, need? What’s the difference?” Dazai complains with a dramatic sigh. He can tell he’s feeling better with how absurd he’s acting, but his fever is still there, Kunikida can feel it on his skin. “I want you. It’s that kinda sexier than saying I need you?”

Kunikida keeps a hand on his back as he leads him over to the restroom. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Hehe. Love you too,” Dazai jokes.

Kunikida makes sure he doesn’t need help going to the bathroom before he closes the door, and he busies himself with changing the sweat-dampened sheets on Dazai’s cot while he waits.

He’s surprised to see Atsushi standing in the doorway, looking horrified to see the cot empty.

“Relax, he’s just in the bathroom,” Kunikida says, dropping what he’s doing to meet Atsushi at the entrance, but the deep concern doesn’t leave his eyes. “What are you doing here, Atsushi?”

"Is he still not doing well?" Atsushi murmurs nervously.

"He's improved," Kunikida assures him with a hand on his shoulder, "You look much better. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Atsushi tells him. Kunikida won't take his word for it, he's not usually very honest about this kind of thing. He looks better than he did yesterday, but he can tell just by looking at him that he's nauseous with anxiety, just like Junichiro described last night. He takes note of the way he's breathing through his mouth instead of his nose to avoid the antiseptic smell.

"Don't worry about him so much. He's survived worse, hasn't he?" Kunikida reminds him with a chiding sigh, regardless of the fact that he's just as concerned. He can't pass those feelings on to Atsushi, especially knowing they had to knock him out last night to get him to sleep.

"I guess so," Atsushi murmurs.

"Who told you to come in today? You should still be resting," Kunikida tells him. He knows Atsushi came of his own accord. He’s here much earlier than detectives usually need to be - he probably snuck out.

"Um…well, no one, I just…I just wanted to make sure he wasn't…" Atsushi mumbles.

"I'll call you if something's the matter. Go back home, no one needs you sitting around here with how you’re feeling," he sighs, landing a hand on Atsushi’s back and walking outside of the infirmary with him.

Atsushi doesn't seem to be paying attention entirely, and Kunikida almost starts to scold him for not listening before he realizes that he's lost a lot of color in his face, enough to make him think he's about to throw up. Atsushi is much more aware of it than Kunikida, obviously and he bolts for the trash bin right inside of the infirmary to retch and gag once or twice before vomit spills past his lips. He’s shaking, breathing hard and clearly anxious, but thankfully, he seems to have only needed to vomit once. Even so, he coughs and forces a burp or two just to make sure.

He crouches down in front of the bin and leans his head against it, still visibly shaking. He's not in nearly as rough shape as he was yesterday regarding this. Atsushi doesn't seem to mind other people throwing up at all, but if it's himself, he almost makes himself even more sick with anxiety. Yesterday he was too out of it to really take in what was happening, but now he's fully lucid.

"I guess - this whole thing is a, uh…a good way to get - get over this," Atsushi stammers between shaky breaths, of course, still trying to keep a positive attitude. Kunikida can hear his breathing patterns start to get erratic with panic, and he hears him attempt to swallow back a gag.

"I'll be right back. Stay here,” he tells him after patting his back and heading back for the Agency Office, where Junichiro has since appeared with his sister.

"Tanizaki, can you take Atsushi home?" Kunikida asks. Normally he wouldn't bother a detective with a task like this, but he'd rather Atsushi be with someone familiar while he's feeling so anxious.

"Did he show up? With how he’s feeling?" Tanizaki asks, concern already washing over his face as he gets up from his desk. Kunikida assumes he and Naomi went home after Atsushi fell asleep. "He's still sick?"

"I think part of it might be nerves now. I don't need him hanging around and worrying about Dazai," Kunikida says, and Junichiro follows him back out into the hallway.

Atsushi is sitting against the doorframe with his knees pulled up tight against his chest and his head on his knees, mumbling something to himself.

"Hey, Atsushi, let's get you downstairs, yeah? You should go home and take days off when you can get them," Junichiro tells him gently as he crouches beside him. Atsushi seems to have given up on his image entirely as he leans into Junichiro. The latter's brow twists with concern and he brings him into a hug, and Kunikida quickly realizes that Atsushi’s crying. "I know. You'll both be okay soon. I'll see if Yosano can get you something to settle your stomach when she gets back, okay?"

"Kay," he mumbles into Junichiro's shoulder.

"Good. I know you hate it, but you're doing a good job," Junichiro tells him in a gentle voice that Kunikida doesn't think he'd be able to pull off. He ruffles his hair fondly. "You know how seasick I get, right? You're handling this way better than I do."

"I am…?" Atsushi murmurs, lifting his head just a bit.

"For sure."

Junichiro is much better at this than Kunikida is in general.

Kunikida waves both of them off as Junichiro leads him back to the elevator, continuing to talk to him gently, and Kunikida shakes off his concern for Atsushi as he notices his shoulders relax before they disappear behind the elevator doors.

Kunikida walks back into the infirmary and stops in the doorway to find Dazai peeking out of the bathroom like he’s checking if the coast is clear.

"What'd you do to that kid to make him worry so much, huh?" Kunikida sighs.

"Beats me," Dazai half-chuckles, clutching onto the IV pole as he walks out of the bathroom, looking less wobbly than before, but Kunikida still meets him to walk him back to his cot. Kunikida can see the hint of concern in his eyes, but Dazai doesn’t show it for long. "He went home?"

"He did," says.

"Hope he won’t be that upset when I finally end it all,” Dazai says, singing the words at the end.

“Well, he will, and so will everyone else, so go ahead and cancel your plans now,” Kunikida grumbles when they make it to the cot. He’s bewildered by Dazai’s audacity to say things like that sometimes, but he thinks he’s so disconnected from the reality of it that he just doesn’t understand. “You’re still dizzy.”

He observes that when he lowers him back down to the cot and Dazai’s head bobs a bit, just before he lays him back down. He’s not so pale anymore, thankfully.

“‘S not a big deal,” Dazai says. His head sinks back into the pillow, and he’s relaxed, Kunikida thinks. He’s not as tense as usual.

"Yosano should be back soon," Kunikida tells him. “She texted me earlier.”

"Mm," Dazai hums as his eyes start to fall shut again.

Kunikida lays a hand over Dazai's cheek. He's still warm, but he thinks his fever has gone down a bit. He’s hoping he’ll get the clear to get Dazai to eat something once Yosano is back. Kunikida probably needs to grab breakfast for himself, too.

"What'd I do to you?" Dazai suddenly asks with a dry, one-note laugh, just as soon as Kunikida takes his hand back.

Kunikida feels his ears get hot. "What do you mean?"

"You're more worried than Atsushi is," Dazai tells him with a little chuckle, thoroughly amused. "And you know how hard it is to kill me."

"I'm not worried," Kunikida scoffs. “Just making sure you don’t die. Do you know how annoying that paperwork would be? I have to pick up enough of your slack as it is.”

“Sure, Kunikida, whatever you say,” Dazai giggles to himself, “You love me. You took such good care of me and you’re so worried about me you can barely stand it.”

“Fine,” Kunikida grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. His face is red beyond belief, he’s sure.

“Say it back!” Dazai whines.

“You didn’t say you love me!” Kunikida shouts back at him with a groan. “How do you think this works, you idiot?!”

“But I do,” Dazai claims. His eyes soften, but there’s still a hint of that cheeky grin left on his lips. “I love you, Kunikida.”

He almost sounds sincere. “Fine. Fine, I love you too.”

Dazai looks incredibly accomplished, meanwhile, Kunikida wishes he could duck his head underwater. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

“Go back to sleep. You’re so annoying,” Kunikida grumbles, “you’re sure not acting like you were poisoned yesterday.”

“Aw, that’s mean, Kunikida. I still don’t feel good,” Dazai whines, and even though he’s just using it as leverage, Kunikida feels guilty, because it’s obvious he doesn’t feel good. “Will you lay with me?”

“Not a chance, Dazai. I’m not risking falling asleep and Yosano walking in,” Kunikida grumbles, rubbing his eyes as he slides his glass up on top of his head. His lack of sleep is starting to catch up with him.

“Aww, please? You’re tired. And I need comfort. It’s a win-win,” Dazai explains, but Kunikida shakes his head at him.

“I can comfort you from here,” Kunikida tells him. He takes his hand and squeezes it a little tighter than normal. He’s so thankful Dazai’s doing better. He’s not sure what he would have done if he took a turn for the worse. “I’ll lay with you tonight when we go home.”

“Your place?” Dazai asks.

“Pretty sure yours is a mess,” Kunikida confirms. He reaches forward to brush his fingers through Dazai’s soft curls, still damp with sweat at the roots. Dazai lets his eyes fall shut. “Don’t scare me like that again.”

“Mmm…no promises,” Dazai says quietly, and Kunikida squeezes his hand one more time as a reminder. Dazai may not be able to make that promise, but Kunikida will be there with him every time. He leans forward to press a kiss on his warm, flushed cheek.

And of course, despite his efforts to avoid getting caught, he hears Yosano’s voice, already giggling.

“Kunikida?”

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faux-ee · 2 years

Text

A Theory about Abilities in BSD, and why Fyodor wants to rid the world of Ability users

Originally, I want to delay making this post until I finish reading irl Dostoevsky’s Demons, because I personally find a lot of parallels between BSD’s Fyodor & Nikolai and Pyotr & Stavrogin in Demons, and I truly wish to elaborate on that. However, I just finished the 2014 TV Show Demons and let’s just say I’m moved to the core and nothing except writing about BSD Fyodor could give me peace. I will still be discussing briefly the connection between BSD fyolai & Demons characters in this post, but that discussion wouldn’t be so detailed because I tragically haven’t finished the book yet.

Sorry I’ve rambled a lot. Anyways, here we go.

In addition to the theory that Ability symbolizes trauma response, I want to speculate that Ability also translates one’s negative perception of themself into physical existence. In fact, in irl Atsushi’s work, the Tiger is none but a representation of the self, plagued by vanity and inferiority, that a person has to fight in order to not hurt people around them. Dazai’s ability No Longer Human is portrayed in the 15 manga as a hollow, dark being that only wears his skeleton — that is what dark era Dazai see himself as: non-human, empty, a walking ghost. Sigma believes that he is used as a tool by different ppl, so his Ability was information exchange — a tool for procuring info.

I can list out much more, but basically, I think Ability is an outward manifestation of how BSD characters pessimistically perceive themselves (that’s why Ranpo doesn’t have an ability: he’s confident and in many aspects a child having not yet lost his innocence, protected and loved by Fukuzawa and the ADA). Or rather, the sad, violent, unpredictable self other ppl told them to be. Like Kyouka, who was told that her Ability made her a natural killer. This is why Ability is a pain: it’s the dark side of oneself; it makes Ability users believe that what makes them powerful, useful to other ppl, is this Self that wallows in existential despair, in its own insufficiency, and in the guilt of causing death.

In Dead Apple, our main characters have to fight their own Abilities to achieve growth. In the ADA, Fukuzawa’s Ability keeps all other Abilities under control, creating an ideal environment for ADA members to grow into the better version of themselves. All of these point out Abilities to be trouble rather than strength.

And Fyodor sees that. He sees that for people, Ability represents a past and ongoing pain. No, I’m not trying to justify his cause by presenting him as an all-knowing being. I’m referring to his uncanny ability of seeing into the heart of people’s struggle — his empathy with Sigma, Goncharov, Gogol and even Karma attested to that. And he thinks the only salvation from such darkness is Death.

We already know that Crime and Punishment doesn’t prevent Fyodor from touching ppl, which means he has no reason to hate his own ability to the point of wanting to eradicate it. It is actually just the opposite case. In Dead Apple, Fyodor declared that he himself is the embodiment of both crime and punishment, which are a pair of good friends. He has made peace with the dark version of himself, has accepted his Ability as part of the truth of what he is. Inseparable with his existence. This is why he wants to kill ability users, rather than simply writing away Ability (if that is the purpose he can come up with a convincing story on that one page he already has): his Ability is inevitably linked with his existence; therefore he thinks the only way to take away this twisted, suffering side of oneself is to end their lives.

Now, the second question is that, are Abilities an entirely bad thing? Like everything in BSD, it isn’t a black-and-white matter. We have seen many times our Stray Dogs use their Abilities to protect themselves, and the people they care about. We have to accept that there’s a side of us that feel insecure and unhappy from things we experienced, but this is also the side that help us sympathize & establish in-depth connections with people who are also suffering (see Lucy, Atsushi and Kyouka; Akutagawa and Atsushi; even Teruko’s understanding of Fukuchi may be a result of that).

One of Fyodor’s traits that contributed to his extremism personality is that he doesn’t, or rather refuses to, connect with people. He sees people as mindless chess pieces who live under the lies they tell themselves, easy to manipulate once you grant them the fulfillment of their desires. See? On the surface level he’s on better terms with his Ability — his dark side — than anyone else, and thats why he seems to understand the desires and conflicts in everyone he comes across. But in truth, Crime and Punishment stood with their backs to each other; what seems as reconciliation is actually Fyodor refusing to come face to face with himself. He exalts his pain. He celebrates non-existence. He attributes all his actions to the god — yet as we can see in the two-page spread before his confrontation with Ace, “if god doesn’t exist, then I am god”. He turns his back on his human self, and instead chooses to obsess with the image of a god that is actually how others perceive him to be: the bringer of fear and death, murderer of children, dangerous force of destruction. He takes it in and flips it around, worshipping his darkness, his human suffering, as a source of power.

I’m not saying, however, that Fyodor feels any pain or guilt I have implied here. He is not taking his revenge on the world because he is pained inside, no, let’s not go into that YA dark haired emo boy stereotype. Instead, he is wreaking havoc in the world precisely because he cannot feel this pain. Next will be some spoilers on Demons: one of the main characters, Stavrogin, confessed to a priest about causing a child’s death (won’t go into the nasty details; I’m still shaking from that), and yet he didn’t do it out of guilt — he did it because he wanted to feel proud and noble again, exposing his own sin to let others punish him with their malice, since he didn’t make an effort to repent and couldn’t forgive himself. Stavrogin doesn’t want to move on and trust his own ability to become a better person; instead, he tries to set the whole world against himself, in order to keep avoiding confronting his own conscience and continue to adhere to the false belief of his righteousness. [Spoiler Ends]

This might be a little confusing, but in simpler words, it’s similar to what Fyodor is doing: he doesn’t feel guilty for killing ppl; he hardly feels anything at all. He is a psychopath beyond redemption, that is what others see him as and what he willingly believes. He is excluded from the human world, he has fused himself with his Ability, turning himself wholly into an unfeeling, murderous monster. He forces himself to believe he is doing the right thing in destroying the world because he’s a coward. (Remember that Fyodor is supposed to be a foil of Dazai, and in No Longer Human Dazai calls himself a coward who’s afraid of happiness?) If he steps back and looks at what he did, all the children he killed, he would be forced to feel guilty, which he fears; so he frees himself of his humanity as well as his conscience to avoid accounting for his own darkness. He views the rest of the world as a sin because he doesn’t want to see himself as a sinner.

OK let’s talk a little about Gogol here then because I’m fyolai trash: “In opposition to god, you’re fighting to lose sight of yourself” what does this mean?

This is not actually a very accurate translation. The direct translation from Japanese should be: you are fighting to oppose god and lose sight of yourself. This line also kind of implies Gogol being associated with the military, since the word used for “fighting” here is heavily implied to be war-related. [Spoiler Again] Now, in Demons there is literally a character that resembles Gogol in every way: Pyotr Stepanovich is greatly fascinated with putting on an act, is a master of faking different, often ridiculous personalities to achieve his goal, and he is raising hell all over because he wants to uproot all previously established social systems, calling for a revolution that leads people into decadence and depravation. (AND he even also places the blame of somebody’s murder on an innocent person - while Pyotr is the murderer - as part of the plan!) [Spoiler Ends] This character in Demons is abandoned by his father, so he was always plagued with the belief that he was born wrong, and when his father sought him out only to exploit him further, he lost all belief in god and believed that chaos was the only answer to his empty, unloved existence. This shall provide an answer as to why Gogol thinks human feelings is a thing he ought to transcend: for some reasons his humanity might have been exploited to put him under the control of someone else. Even the person he’s closest with, Fyodor, sees him as a chess piece and he is well aware of that. AND the most deadly thing is that he is comfortable in this relationship because he is used to not receiving anyone’s good will.

Gogol is many things, but perhaps the one thing that draws him constantly to his demise is the fact that he is unloved. He wants to free himself from humanity for an entirely different reason: he feels the constant need to prove that it’s the world that’s wrong, that what he sees is the truth - his actions are controlled, he is trapped by human feelings that never get acknowledged or responded, and these morals/feelings give people power to walk all over him, to use him as a tool. His Ability, which connects spaces, means that his dark side is exactly this need to escape deterred by his fear of being forever trapped by his own limitations.

If I were to put this in a more religious light, since we’re talking about god and russians here, I would quote something from Nietzsche: The demand to be loved is the greatest of all arrogant presumptions. To want god’s love is to give yourself nonexistent sins for Him to forgive — this self-assigned sin is what controlled one’s actions, made one feel guilty. The futile outcry for love, and specifically for god’s love and forgiveness, is what makes people crazy and absurd in Nietzsche’s view. Gogol is sane, and is trying desperately to convince himself that he is so, by seeing through the lie that is called love. He denies himself faith and love in exchange for full control over himself. Why pursue something that he has only known to chain him down? Fyodor understands him, and plays along with his jokes, his games; he isn’t afraid of Fyodor’s understanding, no. He is afraid that he will grow to love his dear friend more until he is consumed by this human lie and forgets how much of a danger it is to his freedom. He trembles in his adoration of the man-god.

I have earlier put out a crack theory that Gogol is a foil of Chuuya. However, in this context, Gogol truly is similar to Chuuya seeing how they are constantly being used by other people, Gogol in a more literal sense since even his speech was pre-written; Chuuya allows himself to forgive and forget, and carry on with life focusing on the present, while Gogol becomes haunted by his hyperawareness of his situation and inability to be free. Neither of these attitudes are healthy and I say it’s no coincidence Asagiri decided to put Dazai, Fyodor, Chuuya, Nikolai and Sigma in the same arc. I look forward to everyone figuring out their problems with equally mentally ill enemies in prison.

#bungo stray dogs #bsd meta #bsd fyodor #bsd gogol #fyolai

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