Claustrophobia

I might be claustrophobic.

Maybe not in the general sense though...

I feel claustrophobic because of the skin, muscles, organs, and everything that's covering me. I think that's why I always have that feeling to throw up, because I want to throw my physical self up away because I always feel claustrophobic.

I keep talking about wanting to throw up. I now have the answer to why.

I think that's a reason I am part of the queer community by being AroAce (because I physically can't stand the physicality of people, and myself), but being Fictoromantic/sexual (because I tend to like the mind and not the physicality). And why I am Xenogender/Genderless because I don't identify with human norms.

I realized I'm scared, no, absolutely TERRIFIED of humans, human norms, human constructs, EVERYTHING.

Also, I realized I had a God Complex. And technically? I'm not wrong. From my perspective, NOTHING exists. I have no proof! I have no proof other people have the same mental capabilities as me. I have no proof ANYTHING exists! It's all fake!

If I were to kill myself, none of you, NONE OF YOU WOULD EXIST.

I realized this is why I'm suicidal. I don't want to mentally destroy myself, no! I want to live forever in that sense! I want to create art and stories and keep on living. I want my myself to be immortalized.

But what fears me, what destroys my whole image, the thing I want to get rid of, is my physical self. I can't stand being trapped like this, feeling so many things that I don't want to. Emotions are chemicals in the brain produced by the physical self, and I try my best not to feel them.

I just feel... wrong.

I dealt with a lot of derealization, depersonalization, and maladaptive daydreaming problems. And I may just have found the reason why. Because I CAN'T STAND my physical self, so I end up leaving, feeling detached and better off in the mental world.

I don't think it's "normal" to be claustrophobic about engaging in basic human functions such as eating, drinking, sleeping, speaking, and everything else.

A lot of things have been explained as soon as I realized my claustrophobia of the real realm.

I just don't belong here, not like this at least.

And I don't know how my Autism plays into this but I KNOW something about all of this is related in SOME SORT of way.

I remember from a young age I felt this.

Why must I have existential crises, every second?

I want to throw up.

I want to bash my skull against a wall.

Everything feels so... wrong.

Something's not right.

I feel insane.

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

I’ll probably edit this one*

Just some Everlark fluff

enjoy💝

It’s been almost a month since Peeta came back to 12. We spent that time with each other, it was healing but hard at the same time.

I try to understand my feelings for Peeta. I know I love him, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship. How could I think about that when so many people died? I’m ashamed for the way I feel when I see Peeta in his garden, his blonde curls covering his forehead and a little part of his temples. I’m ashamed of how much I love the way his blue eyes flicker whenever I compliment his cheese buns… And now, he’s lying next to me, mouth open, his face squashed against the pillow.

Without even realizing, I put my hand in his hair and play with it. Peeta murmurs something without opening his eyes, so I let myself study the boy with the bread a little longer.

“Katniss, I can feel you staring”, he says, smiling.

“No, I’m not”, I reply, suddenly greeted by the blue eyes I know so well. Peeta raises an eyebrow and I groan:

“So what if I was staring?”

“Nothing, it’s nice. I like when you stare at me.”

His hand wraps around my waist, bringing me closer to the warmth of his body. I could stay like this all day, Peeta’s chin on the top of my head, my fingers tracing circles on his clavicle…

“Hey, who’s Naomi”, I ask.

A few days ago, a blonde girl came to Peeta’s house. She was tall, slim and had the aspect of a healthy person- her cheeks rosy red, her skin a little pale. I can’t say I was jealous when I saw her talking to Peeta, or when Peeta opened the door, smiling at the sight of her, or when she went into his house and spent almost 2 hours there… fine, maybe I was a little jealous, but I’d never admit it to him.

“How do you know…”

“I heard you talking to her last week. I had my window open and yeah… Not like I was spying on you!” I wasn’t completely lying. Naomi’s high pitched voice was what drew my attention.

“Oh, she’s Rye’s wife… was”, Peeta replies, a sad smile on his face, “I try to be nice to her since, you know, she has no one but her baby and her brother in law.”

I feel stupid for asking. How could I believe Peeta would be seeing anyone else? After all we’ve been through, he wouldn’t leave me…would he? We’re not officially together, so he could be seeing someone else and I’d have no right to judge him. The thought of not sleeping next to him and another person feeling the warmth of his strong arms drives me insane.

“Why? Are you jealous?”

I look up to see the blonde boy smirk. It’s better than seeing him sad, but I still roll my eyes:

“Yeah, right”, I blush and try to bury my face in his neck so he won’t notice, but his fingers bring my chin up so that I’m looking into his eyes again.

“Oh, my God, you are! You’re blushing”, he laughs.

I sit up straight and hit him playfully:

“No, I’m not!”

Peeta raises an eyebrow and I can’t help a little smile:

“Shut up.”

“Come here”, he says amused, now sitting up and pulling me into his lap, “It’s adorable when you’re jealous.”

Our faces are so close… too close. I can’t give in, I can’t do this to Peeta, I don’t deserve his love. He saved me so many times and all I did was hurt him.

“No one else ever called me adorable, Peeta”, I barely whisper, closing my eyes, so that I can’t be tempted by him. God knows I can’t keep myself together when he looks at me with those puppy eyes.

“No one else really matters”, he says, his warm breath lingering over my lips, making me lick them without realizing.

“Peeta…”

And it happens. I can’t control myself, my hands around his neck, I bring him even closer to me. It’s the hunger I’ve felt before, the hunger that makes me behave like a selfish animal. And I am selfish for bringing him into this, for not letting him get the life he deserves with a normal girl, not a fucked up 19 year old that’s been through the Games twice and started a revolution… but God, did I miss him on my lips.

“Katniss”, he pulls away, gasping for air. I take the opportunity to look at him again, like I did this morning: his curls are even messier than usual. This satisfies me because it was my hand who did that. His cheeks are flushed, his lips swollen, his chest going up and down, trying to get more air. I can’t help but imagine Peeta with nothing on, lying in my bed in the morning. My cheeks must be burning like crazy and I mentally scold myself for thinking about it.

“Did you hear me”, Peeta asks amused, bringing me back to the present moment.

“What?”

“Kiss me again?”

little rant type shit about azzi and paiges current and kinda future media presences

i think azzis reposts are like her way of letting people know shes gonan be okay without having to be actually present and ibteractive on socials. she was literallt just comibg back from her drought/break/pause (wtvr u wanna call it) and likely wont post for a while because dawg camp and the draft content was like the most we’ve had from azzi in so long. i think shes probably doing alright considering the amount of support shes surrounded by and honestly she didnt really seem like in any hurry to suddenly become active like an instant unpause after not beibg active for so long, like i dont rlly think her being “on a break” was all that deep she was probably convinced to post but didnt really seriously care to upkeep not postibg in the first place so itd be practically no change in her lifestyle to go back to not posting i dont think she was like resisting the urge to post or anything. specifically now post-situation it might not be “i dont psot often but i sometines do wheneveb i feel like it” instead she might purposely stay away and actually jsut take time away from media focus for a little and we’ll get like a crumb once and a while.

and i think paige being active rn is a mix of moving on from the incident and also the fact that the season is over and shes back on media and does like beibg on it like for example on lives and stuff. i feel like shes trying to show that shes moving past it as well as not letting it effect or stop doing what she enjoys. i also think that if paige had gone media silent after what happened it mightve brought even more attention to it with people speculating the effects it had or twitter running wild as it always does. i think her vague-ish thanking for support tweet near when it happened was good because it further fueled people who had been covering the timeline and helped speed up efforts to get tweets taken down but didnt actively add crap tons of spotlight on it. plus her normally posting and tweeting helps spread around what people are focusing on when she appears or if shes mentioned and it js moves the crowd on. we also know shes been described as/has said about herself that shes the type to put on a strong front in stressing times so even if shes beibg active on media and seemingly doing alright she could be doing it for all the reasons i just mentioned about moving the public on (like damage control/reputation padding) and still be literallt depressed behind the scenes and js doing it bc she feels she has to. either way we have no way of knowing whats actually happening and we will probably never know, i can only guess abd assume just as much as everyone else, i could be insanely far off or completely spot on, even if it doesnt match how any of us assume or imagine her acting just remember that we literally do not know any of these people!

i hope things settle and we can see them together again i dont think the situation would have effected their relationship with eachother theyre like ride or die and its not like its their fault it happened. obviously no one wouldvt wanted it to happen but i like to think that behibd the scenes theyre supporting eachother or they could be givibg eachother space but all n all i dont see this being the reason they suddenly drop eachother and i have ful lconfidence theyll come out the other end still side by side.

if anyone has any thoughts or responses feel free to add on or share or if i left smth out or got smth wrong feel free to correct me bc its literallt 6:30 am rn and im suppsoed to be awake in less than 2 hours 🤣🥲

So, a few weeks ago I finished watching the Chibnall Era, aka the 13th Doctor's seasons, of Doctor Who. And while it was not as bad as I heard some people say it was, it was definitely not good. The main problem is that it's just kind of boring, like the characters are so underwritten that it's insane. So, I came up with some ideas (a lot of which are mostly rambling) to flesh these people out some more most of which are based on factors that the show alluded to but failed to expand upon and use for actual characterization and development. Now please remember, I am most certainly not an expert in any type of writing, I am just a teenager with a dream.

Graham:

-Have his wife Grace be around for more than one episode before dying. Have her around for at least half a season travelling with the Doctor and have her death result in the Doctor feeling guilty for putting her in danger and not being able to save her. Have Ryan be angry at the Doctor because of Grace's death while having Graham be understanding and not blame the Doctor. But then have Graham reassure Ryan that they all were aware of the risks that would come with travelling with the Doctor and that Grace died doing what she loved which was helping people.

-Have his cancer come back and have him die from it. I think it would be interesting for a companion to die from something more normal when other ones have died in the most devastating ways possible. Also, this kind of death would extend over multiple episodes which would show the characters developing reactions to the fact that Graham is going to die. You could also have something with the Doctor trying to make sure that Graham has lived a full life before he dies and trying to take him on as many adventures as possible due to the fact that the other companions who died were so young. But, have Graham tell the Doctor that he is content with the mostly quiet life he has lived and that he has accepted the fact that he is going to die because at least he'll be going to the same place where Grace is.

Ryan:

-Have Ryan feel kinda inclined to mend the relationship with his dad because he is the only blood relative he has left since Grace died. But don't have him reconcile with his father at the end. This'll instead be the moment Ryan accepts Graham as a father figure and calls Graham his grandfather. This plus his relationship with Yaz and the Doctor will emphasize the idea of a found family.

-Have his dyspraxia be touched upon more than just with throwaway lines about how he can't ride a bike and struggles with climbing ladders. Show him possibly being underestimated by some other characters maybe Graham and show the frustration that would come with that. Also, have the Doctor relate to him because of her neurodivergence which would strengthen their bond.

-Show flashbacks of how Yaz and Ryan were friends when they were in school. Maybe show how they both felt like outcasts, with Ryan feeling that way due to his dyspraxia and Yaz feeling that way due to her struggles with her sexuality and that being the reason why they became friends.

-Make Ryan's YouTube channel a greater part of his character instead of something that never gets brought up again after his first episode. Have him constantly record his adventures with the Doctor and upload them to YouTube to honor Grace in a way. Also, when Graham dies of cancer, have Ryan upload a video summarizing all of the amazing things he did with Graham which would be a great callback to what he did when Grace died.

Yaz:

-Don't have her sexuality be something that only gets barely acknowledged in the last few episodes.

-Maybe Yaz and Ryan dated while they were in school but they broke up because of Yaz's lack of feelings towards him due to her sexuality and that's why they grew apart. Also, Ryan should be the one to confront Yaz about her feelings towards the Doctor.

-They sort of implied that Yaz has some internalized homophobia. So, expand on that! They had Jack there for a minute, they could've used his bisexuality and feelings towards the Doctor or just the Doctor's nonchalantness towards gender as a way for Yaz to accept herself more. Like a big thing with Doctor Who companions is the Doctor showing them things they didn't even think were possible, the same would be true for Yaz but in a different way.

-So, Yaz is a cop. They kind of touched on the issues surrounding this in Rosa but they quickly brushed it off and it was never brought up again, and her job in general barely even plays much of a role, like she literally just quits off screen near the end. Obviously, you could make her being a cop a source of ongoing conflict because I know that the Doctor would be ACAB. The Doctor could challenge Yaz's beliefs regarding the police system, similar to how she challenged Yaz's ideas regarding gender and sexuality.

The Doctor:

-On paper I'm not really against the Timeless Child or the Flux but please just give them more time.

-Show us some lore regarding who the Doctor thought was her biological family so that we can understand how she's feeling more.

-Give more time to her confronting Tecteun. Literally, I was so excited seeing the Doctor argue with her about whether it was right for Tecteun to take her in but it only lasts for like five fucking minutes.

-Also, they used the Timeless Child as a way to sort of explain the Doctor's autistic behavior. In fact, the writers even said they intentionally wrote her as autistic and there are several scenes where they emphasize how socially awkward she is. Okay then why not have some allegories for neurodivergence? Why not equate the whole Timeless Child thing to getting an autism diagnosis? Why not use the Doctor as a way to show how autistic men are treated differently than autistic women with her being eccentricities being met with more hostility than when she was a man? Or why not just have one of the companions, maybe Ryan, explicitly acknowledge how the way she acts aligns with autism?

-Oh and that thing they had about the Doctor refusing to form strong relationships because they know that they'll likely end tragically? Yeah maybe spend more than three goddamn episodes barely acknowledging that. Like I wouldn't mind the story 13th Doctor and her companions ending tragically with her pushing them away and leaving them on Earth long enough that they've gone back to their normal lives and have realized that there's nothing they can do except hope that the Doctor is able to sort out her shit on her own.

-Oh and also don't confine the Flux to just six episodes. Like at least hint to that shit around the same time as the Timeless Child.

Also, I don't think all of the companions should be travelling with the Doctor every episode. Like a few episodes sprinkled in there where the others are staying at home and only like one or two of the companions are travelling with the Doctor this time. This way you can have episodes hyper focused on certain characters without worrying about giving the others something to do.

I have considered doing a rewrite of these seasons or something but again I'm not an expert writer. The only fic I've ever written is a 2,000 word character study and that one took me a long time to write because of how much a perfectionist I am.

i literally don’t care who says otherwise, lucy and lockwood are the most UNHINGED CODEPENDENT FREAKS of any media. from their very first interaction lucy can already see herself fighting ghosts alongside lockwood indefinitely. lockwood giving lucy his sister’s necklace. basically the entirety of the hollow boy. come off it, luce, you know i’d die for you. lucy leaving the agency so lockwood doesn’t end up dying because of her. lockwood waiting for The Case Of A Lifetime to get lucy to come back to him. their journey to the other side. lockwood saving lucy when her cape tore. THEIR MATCHING WHITE STREAKS. lucy and lockwood becoming even closer after their trip to the other side. lockwood showing lucy his families’ graves. he will sacrifice his life for you. lucy swinging from a trapeze to save lockwood. skull implying that lucy is lockwood’s reason for living. it was a symbol of his undying devotion. lucy always staying behind with lockwood when he tells the others to go without him. lucy knowing that lockwood will inevitably follow her to penelope’s room in fittes house. lockwood arriving at the penthouse and lucy’s heart singing at his arrival. lucy staying with lockwood because she couldn’t imagine living without him. lockwood asking lucy out for a walk and gifting her his mother’s necklace. lucy putting on the necklace and ending the story with her going to lockwood.

The way these two women have got me feeling is fucking incurable. I have a disease and it is called lesbianism.

thinking about Eddie & hyacinths again

i'm crazy actually . the first time kabru and mithrun looked at each other vs the last times. ohhhhhh how their relationship changed through the story, ohhhhhh falls to my knees

i think we don't speak enough about what did this to us as a society

Phenomenal.

Absolutely phenomenal

Web event releases and literally all it is, is Arlecchino killing 2 (3) men. Congrats. here's your rewards!

I saw a tweet earlier this morning that said

"genshin saw people mad at chiori for throwing a man out of her shop and their honest reaction was making arlecchino kill one in her teaser"

AND I CACKLED SO LOUD so seeing this now, I just had to share it with you all

doubling down on the wriolette thing w doodles

wriolette are the best characters in game im objectively correct

Inktober Sharktober !! day 1-2? this list skips a day inbetween [verry nice] Fairytale Shark !!

When you backread through a fun conversation you had with someone for hours an angel gets its wings

*wakes up in a cold sweat* whERE AM I

pierre gasly + his childhood friend

EssentiallySports / Searows, House Song / PlanetF1 / Anne Carson, The Glass Essay