#i am now unable to do the readmore thing
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love of mine (ethan x chiara)
Micro story for prompt word 'crave', which I am sure I did not use in this fic. It's a silly little thing, I just wanted to try if I am even able to create for the OH universe again. Contains h*rny Ethan in love, Chiara being Chiara and some making out. Definitely not NSFW but maybe don't read it if you are not comfortable with kissing. I am not tagging anyone because it's truly just a tiny something, but still - thank you to everyone who engages!
"And you find that statement to be true?" Chiara asks, her voice light, with a giggly edge to it, even.
It's been a good day. Normal. Mundane. Somehow good still.
"And I," Ethan responds hovering over her, his voice breathy and quiet, his lips touching Chiara's neck lightly.
"Do find," a kiss on her collarbone this time, Ethan's hands at the either side of her head and it takes just the slightest turn for her to get a close look on his forearms. On the veins there.
"That statement," Ethan continues, moving his lips higher, biting her earlobe softly. His words are mere whispers in her ears, breath hot and tickling. "To be true."
He's overheard Bryce's statement in the hospital's hall today - as did handful of new interns.
Dr. Ray, hospital's brightest and most stunning resident.
"All of it? The whole statement?" Chiara pushes, knowing very well Ethan couldn't have heard it whole. He passed them in a hurry, not even acknowledging the group of younger doctors with a nod.
"The very whole," Ethan answers in a husky voice and she knows he is not truly paying attention to their conversation, not with his teeth now grazing the bare skin of her shoulder, his fingers slowly pulling the strap of her tank top down.
It's a tie with me, of course, Bryce added quickly after complimenting Chiara, his smile as wide and chraming as always. As you have undoubtedly noticed.
Though there is nobody nearly as humble as Dr. Lahela among the doctors, Chiara responded. Bryce's smile just got wider.
Ethan couldn't have heard any of it.
"Well, Bryce will be happy to hear that," she grins, her own fingers playing with the subtle curls at the nape of Ethan's neck.
"Why," Ethan growls, although he does not look up at her, "are we bringing Lahela into this."
Chiara could let it be. She could keep quiet, she could kiss him, softly at first and hungry just a second after; could let the teasing go and enjoy Ethan's attention fully.
She could.
She tells him. Tells him about how he's just agreed with Bryce's self-praise, tells him through the giggles, now fully formed and loud.
"Must you?" Ethan groans, his forehead falling on her naked shoulder and Chiara is almost sure he is fighting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"You know I do," she laughs softly, though her voice has lost some of its teasing now, the sound of it purely joyous and bright.
He knows. He wouldn't have it any other way.
#e & c#ethan ramsey#ethan x chiara#terr writes#i have not used tumblr in more than a year and it appears#i am now unable to do the readmore thing#so i am sorry in advance#to everyone having to scroll through this
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I AM GOING TO BE KICKED OUT IN 6 MONTHS AND I AM NOT MAKING MONEY FAST ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO AVOID HOMELESSNESS
hey girls its me again. ill.. try to keep this brief? as brief as i can atleast.
if you havent seen my previous posts, hi, my name is delilah, im an autistic transgirl system with ptsd thats living in an abusive household where im barely fed and am constantly miserable, and to top it all off, the second my birthday hits on JUNE 1 2024, i am going to be kicked out. i want to make around $2000 dollars before then, but i only have about $350 right now. at my current rate, i wont be able to reach my goal, and i dont know how im going to get housing if i dont. to repeat in big text so people pay attention:
if i do not get about $1700 more in donations before june 1 2024, i am going to be homeless.
im trying.. really hard to not give up but its looking bleak. because i live in a small town in texas where everyone knows that im an autistic trans loser, ive been unable to get a job, and ive been forced to do this. i dont enjoy being forced to rely on other people's kindness, but its the best and atp really the only option i have.
C*SH*PP - @delilahswagga
P*YP*L - @delilahkill
i make pixel art too! dm me if youre interested, i do most things including furries/anthros, humans, chibi/dolls, backgrounds and scenes, and small animations
a lot of scams claiming things like this have been going around, so ill talk about myself some. click the readmore if you want to read that.
i have a really big love for performing, i fell in love with theatre years ago and performed the addams family musical as fester about a month ago as my biggest role on stage yet, and right now im in the process of getting ready for antigone as teiresius. i love music, and its one of my life goals to learn as many instruments as possible, and currently i own quite a few, though my favorites are my two ukuleles and my super cool electric guitar. i have 8 partners at the moment, and i have a very big desire to one day live with as many of them as i can. i pride myself on being the best partner i can be, and its been my goal to make all my partner's lives better (and i think ive been doing a good job at it :3)
i love cats an extreme amount, ive never had a cat myself (because my dad is insane and hates cats and tries to hit cats with his truck) but being around cats makes me super happy and always makes my anxieties go away, even when im having an anxiety attack or a panic attack. i really hope i can get a few cats one day, and i want to give them all silly food names :) my fursona is kind of a reflection of that, her name is bagel. some cat names ive thought of are mochi, chili, Supreme Pizza, or maybe french fry :)
im not sure if ill be able to achieve any of my goals if i dont get the financial support i need. ive been.. really close to giving up recently, but i dont want to have to do that, so im going to fight like this for as long as i can.
#trans#autistic#actually autistic#help needed#urgent#mutual aid#financial aid#commissions#pixel art#pixel gif
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hazbin hotel redesigns wooooooooo
okay so. i'm gonna discuss my thoughts about them n shit, putting under a readmore bc it's gonna get long and rambley. sorry in advance for the shit formatting, i'm on mobile </3
just some general shit about how i would rewrite it. i think the premise of redeeming sinners is entertaining but is executed horribly. i also am a fan of the "heaven isn't great either" idea but again, executed horribly. i'd make the hierarchy of angels more accurate because it's cool as hell and i have autism about it. the characters from hell would swear still (albeit not as much), but the angels would outright refuse to swear or make vulgar jokes ever. this would be partially to further the gap between heaven and hell and make the differences more stark.
hell would also be more like dante's inferno (again because i think its cool). the ars goetia would get a full redesign and would be more prevalent in demonic society.
now for the characters!
---
VAGGIE VALTIEL:
starting off with vaggie, or Valtiel as i've renamed her because let's be honest her original name sucks. Valtiel (Val for short) was an aspiring power angel who wanted to be an exorcist. she looked up to lute and thought the idea of killing demons was really cool and badass. however when she actually was on the field for the first time she discovered how awful this actually was. she tried to help a few demons but lute figured it out and felled her right then and there. the rest of her story is relatively the same. personality wise she's more stoic and less prone to all-out aggression. she still get angry, sure, but it's in a quieter and more menacing way. you DO NOT want to fuck with Valtiel.
CHARLIE:
next up is charlie! i had two ideas for her. the first one (unsettling drawing) has her as a mannequin/doll type demon. lucifer and/or lilith was unable to conceive and as such they built a kid from scratch. she's overall similar to og charlie personality wise, very kind and cheerful despite her unsettling appearance. she struggles with empathy sometimes but really does mean well. her motive for rehabilitating sinners is so they get to see their family again. being able to see heaven from where they are in hell must make them sad, so she wants to help make them happy again!
the second idea for charlie has her as an angel. specifically i casted her as a dominion angel due to their reputation as holy judges. she was once a demon but has been rehabilitated and has risen into angelhood! she now wants to help her former kin do the same and redeem themselves in heaven's gaze. again, similar cheery personality, but a bit more prudish in this rendition
tangent time!
as a side tangent, valtiel and charlie would have a different relationship in this rewrite. their relationship felt shoehorned in in the original show, like it was just there for the hell of it. we didn't see much development between them and it just felt kinda bland. so in my rewrite, charlie and valtiel are amiable exes. they tried dating when valtiel first fell (when charlie was still a demon in the charlie-angel version) but realized their feelings for each other were much more platonic than romantic. they ended things off on good terms, deciding they were much better as friends. they are still besties to this day! later charlie ends up with emily (or 'ellie' as i plan to rename her)
back to the characters
Alastor:
note: i made alastor mixed-race, which could be seen as bad by some due to vivzie saying he's black. however, as many have pointed out, he has no ethnic features whatsoever and i honestly wouldn't be surprised if she said that just to get away with using voodoo symbols (a closed religion) in his imagery/design. like viv, i am incredibly white and have little to no knowledge of voodoo, and even if i did i would not use it for something like this anyways due to the stigma the religion already has and (again) it being a closed practice. as such i removed it from his concept altogether, but made him mixed race (white passing) because.. why not i guess, i forgor my actual reasoning
with that being said...
alastor is by far my favorite of the redesigns and i'm honestly tempted to turn him into a legally distinct oc. i imagine he's somewhat reserved, along the lines of norman bates albeit a bit more extroverted. during his life he was a serial killer with a day job as a radio announcer. he took pleasure in reporting about his own murders on the radio, but that is eventually what got him caught (ie accidentally letting slip info that wasn't released to the public). as a result he was sentenced to death. upon arriving in hell, he quickly rose through the ranks to borderline overlord status and is a feared presence by demons and sinners alike. why is he bothering to assist in the hotel project? who knows... his motives are a mystery, like the rest of what he does
(he isn't actually alastair crowley i just thought the naming convention was ironic. however he may have also dabbled with satanic magic in lifetime..)
Angel Dust:
TW: brief discussion of SA
this is definitely my second favorite redesign. i loooove insect themes and wanted to do more than just Extra Arms, so he now has fucked up legs and a lot of eyes too! story-wise, angel used to be a criminal mastermind, hated by both the mafia and the feds. he was a gentleman thief, arranging massive heists under the cover of night while also partaking in the occasional drag show. he ended up a cocaine addict later in life, which caused his work to become sloppier. eventually he was killed in a heist gone wrong, specifically shot by the police.
i'm not gonna go too in-depth on the SA part of his story, but he is hypersexual due to being assaulted in both his life and afterlife. it would be something he'd be working on in the rewrite. his reason for coming to the hotel in the first place may have even been for help with this trauma. underneath his sultry exterior is a broken guy who really just needs someone to care about him for who he really is and not for what his body can do.
LUTE:
so lute and adam are some of the characters i have the most gripes about. the biggest one being why viv chose adam as the leader of the exorcists in the first place. if she wants a biblical figure tied to demon killing, Archangel Michael is RIGHT THERE, aka the one destined to kill satan during the events of Revelations. if she wants the first human to die, that would be Abel, not Adam. and i kinda doubt abel would want to do the stuff that HH!adam has been doing. if she wants an angel related to torture, Dumah is her guy! an angel that rules over wicked souls and tortures sinners every day except sabbath. so many better options...
with that out of the way, Lute is still the lieutenant of the exorcist, who are a specially chosen group of powers sent to purge hell once a year. think navy seals. she's pretty much the same as in the show, albeit more muscular and visually different from other exorcists (seriously why do they all look exactly the same?????) she's a very repressed lesbian who hasn't had time to work on that due to her duties
i also redesigned the exorcist uniform/armor because those LED purge masks are fugly as hell and their clothes don't even look remotely like armor.
Adam + Final Thoughts
i did start a redesign of adam but got bored of it. regardless, i think he'd be the head of C.H.E.R.U.B. instead of the exorcists. he doesn't want his children to make the same mistakes he and eve did, so together they started C.H.E.R.U.B. to help lost souls stay out of hell
final thoughts uhhhh i'm tired. show sucks, it had so much potential but viv ruined it by being a shitty writer and an even shittier person. the designs are fine i guess but they all look exactly the same and are in desperate need of variety. the humor is dogshit, saying dick and balls and penis over and over and over again doesn't make it any funnier than the first three times you made that joke. anyways that's it, i hope you liked my inane ramblings. gonna go vanish for another forty years or so, adios
#am i gonna do more? idk. we'll see#oh boy sorry about the seventy million tags#i eat bees#artist#oc artist#artists on tumblr#artist on tumblr#hazbin hotel#hazbin critical#hazbin redesign#hazbin rewrite#hazbin hotel critical#hazbin hotel criticism#hazbin hotel critique#hazbin hotel redesign#hazbin hotel rewrite#hazbin hotel vaggie#hazbin vaggie#hazbin hotel charlie#hazbin charlie#hazbin hotel alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel angel dust#hazbin angel dust#hazbin hotel lute#hazbin lute#hazbin art#hazbin hotel art
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i know some of you have been pressing your faces to the glass waiting for me to see this one in particular SO i saw "the nurses" the other night and am still thinking about it!!
i love love love it when characters get pushed to a point where you can almost see their childhood selves pop out, like are they even talking about what's happening right now? or are their 12-year-old hearts just screaming?? i love that margaret's outburst is both irrational (the hostile work environment is coming from inside the house; i was yelling at my tv "baby it's your fault!!!") and so so honest.
[this turned into a bit of a character thesis, so not only is there a readmore, there will also be a reblog soon with the rest of the post because i maxed out the image limit] [edit: part ii now in the reblogs!]
this whole time, margaret has treated her subordinates with a heavy hand because she thinks it's the right and fair thing to do. the rules say this is how it works!
she maintains a high standard of excellence in brutal circumstances, but she's also reactive, moody, and unforgiving. she's often shown on the edge of losing control and authority, she inflames situations by overreacting, and the thing she punishes most egregiously is disrespect (toward frank, toward the army, toward herself). she intentionally underlines the distance between herself and the other nurses at every turn.
from season 3 "there's nothing like a nurse": [all IDs in alt]
really, everything she thinks and does comes from a place of "they're not supposed to like me," but the childish part of her that is completely unable to see her own behavior is confused and hurt because "i'm just doing my job so why don’t they like me???"
it's her job to maintain discipline, but especially here in 4077-land, she doesn't have to lead with the whip. henry was beloved because he was an overly permissive clown, which will never be her speed, but colonel potter has all the same training as she does. he's loved and respected as the Good Regular Army Guy because he leads with discernment and mutual respect.
it's easier for him. he's more experienced, he's respected and supported from above and below, and he has a calm temperament — which isn't nothing.
from season 4 "the interview":
whether she's aware of this as a problem or not, we at home can see how margaret's inability to control her emotional reactivity causes her as much grief as her inability to control other people.
if she were capable of laughing off small slights, hawkeye and trapper wouldn't have used her as a chew toy so much, and henry might have taken her real concerns more seriously if they weren't lost in the noise of daily fits, you know? she rarely started it, so i'm not blaming her for the hostile chaos circus of seasons 1-3, but i am saying she would have had a better time if she knew how to take a few deep breaths.
this description from the script, after the near-brawl in the nurses' tent in act one, is basically her character thesis statement:
and here, when she's reacting fully emotionally, the truth comes out! the reason that she won't be flexible and show compassion to the nurses isn't because of the rules, but because they're mean to her!!
that's obviously a very bad place to lead from. she has enormous institutional power over them, including controlling their freedom of movement, but she feels like all the other girls in school are hanging out together and they hate her. because they are! and they do! the fight in act one boils over when they make fun of her hair, and that sent all of them back to middle school.
and in many ways, that's where margaret's emotional maturity is stuck (which is, i think, why i find her so endearing). she can't see herself. she knows they don't like her, trust her, or want her around, but she doesn't understand how she dug this hole herself, or how to get out of it.
to add insult to jealous injury, one of the nurses (mary jo, who gets between margaret and baker to stop the fight and takes care of the others in different ways) is margaret's age, and the others look to her as their chosen leader and personal support.
and i'm sure margaret had NO IDEA this was the messy truth until she heard it come out of her mouth.
and her emotionally breaking on the "one lousy cup of coffee" in particular…
i wonder, how often does some version of that first tent scene happen? does she deliver their assignments every night? she walks in already defensive, they immediately stop laughing, and then... she either finds a reason to scold them or they ice her out until she leaves. (and they probably start laughing again as soon as she does!)
from her perspective, when she arrived for the dreaded sleepover and they turned out the lights the minute she walked in, it's like they cancelled the nightly coffee klatch just to avoid spending one social minute with her.
i also think the nurses are right when they assumed that she wouldn't have accepted an invitation to hang out with them (and might even have snapped at them for being inappropriate for asking). she doesn't cross that emotional line, even when she should — she didn't know gaynor was spiraling after losing so many patients in a row, and didn't respond compassionately when she learned.
has she ever invited them for coffee or a friendly chat? no.
...... but her circumstances have recently changed.
[reblog with the rest of it is here!]
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Folks, my POTS is broken.
This is easily one of the most bizarre things in my life with this lemon of a body. I've been experiencing this predictable heart rate jump when I stand up, without fail, for over three decades... until the heart rate increase started failing mid-leap.
I thought I just wasn't recovering from a cold in March, went to the doc in late April; my lungs were clear, no high WBC, wasn't a secondary infection. But the symptoms were apparently consistent with heart or lung damage. Doc sent me to the ER. The ER chest CT was clear, but while I was hooked to the ER machines I noticed my oxygen saturation kept doing this slow dropping down to alarmingly low levels--and I felt fine--then slow climbing back to 99%. A few minutes later I was hit by intense fatigue & pain.
I checked it on the fingertip pulse/ox after I got home, still happening, but fingertip machine had difficulty with motion and rapidly changing numbers. I got a wearable bluetooth pulse/ox. I'm still seeing the oxygen saturation dips and it's pretty terrifying, yes, WTF is this meat machine doing now? (My doc thinks leakage between oxygenated and deoxygenated blood, which is not reassuring at all. I have a cardiac referral.)
But seeing my POTS get tripped partway through a jump is *freaky*.
Look at that (about 11am). That's not right. My heart rate started to do the typical POTS jump and crashed to below 50 instead, coinciding with a dramatic O2 drop. What the hell. (full screenshot under readmore)
How long has it been doing this? Is my physical hardware just unable to react to the dysautonomia "speed up" signals? Is this why the fatigue has been increasing way past reasonable?
I had a heart ultrasound and multiple EKGs during the POTS diagnosis, but apparently what I need is a heart ultrasound with "bubble test," which I have never had. I even wore a pulse/ox for a sleep study but this doesn't happen at night! Mostly. It does coincide with activity... frequently... sometimes I am not doing anything... but almost always I am awake.
My POTS is broken and I am so weirded out.
#chronic illness#pots#medical mystery#cardiac weirdness#my pots is broken#leaky blood#hypoxia#hypoxia intoxication#i think
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Hey its a Lil late in the month but this disability pride month I wanna talk about long covid. I also have chronic pain and all sorts of worms in my brain but I've been dealing with that forever. So we're talking about the new stuff. Putting a readmore because I'm talking about what my experience being sick with covid was like and it's probably unpleasant to read.
It's December of 2022 and I work retail while I'm home from school for winter break. I mask up every time I leave the house, including for work. My parents don't. My father talks about covid not being a big deal. He caught it last year and it was a mild cold for him. He says "i ate lunch with someone who had covid last week and im fine!" My mother catches covid a week after that conversation. I test and am seemingly fine despite symptoms of a cold, and then three days later (one of those days was a full 8hr shift at work where I was worn ragged because it's almost christmas. I also got heat exhaustion because the AC was busted and I live in TX.) I feel the worst I have felt in ages. My mom insists that my dad takes me to get tested for the flu, and I schedule a covid test while I'm at it. My covid test comes back positive.
For the next week I am bedbound, only able to sit up enough to try to eat something and only able to stand up long enough to get myself to and from the bathroom. I sleep through the days when I can get the dayquil down, and cough through the nights when I can't get the nyquil down. I hallucinate when im tired. One of those nights I swear I talk to god. My brain is fogged and it hurts to breathe. I am worried I will need to be hospitalized because I can't seem to keep any water in my system. It's a miracle that I can write instructions for my father to cook ramen for me. I can only drink the broth. One morning I try to take dayquil to soothe my throat and I vomit. My stomach is empty and I stand over the sink wretching.
It feels like a miracle when I recover. Christmas day my symptoms mostly clear up and I'm able to sit up long enough to use my computer, something I was unable to do for the past week. I test negative, my second best Christmas present that year. The first is the Elden Ring soundtrack on vinyl. I am elated that I made it put the other end.
A week later my friend comes from a few cities away to visit for a few days. We go shopping one afternoon, spend a few hours standing around at the local game store looking at dice and miniature plastic dragons. We get home at 6pm. I collapse into bed and wake up 3 hours later. I talk to my doctor about it in January, she says it should go away over time. Six months maximum.
I spend my spring semester exhausted. I start using a cane to make sure I can walk across campus. I'm thankful that many of my friends are also disabled because they understand when I need to ask people to slow down, or bail because of my fatigue. Many of the abled people in my life do not understand. One day I go out to a museum, a thing I am excited to do. When I get home at 4pm I make myself popcorn, then collapse into bed. I can't walk to the sink without my cane, I can barely get out of bed. This is what I have to adjust to.
Six months pass. The fatigue is not gone. I am home for summer break, and I try talking to my parents about my fatigue. They don't understand. I talk to my doctor. She is convinced it's depression symptoms. My mental health is largely the best it's been in years- I've been in treatment for months now and it is helping.
It's been about seven months now. I am not receiving treatment, nor will my doctor acknowledge that I have long covid. She has relented into testing for physical things. I got a CT scan, and have a sleep study scheduled for when I get back from visiting family in August. Depending on what these turn up and how my doctor reacts I am preparing to find a new doctor. I am not excited about this, because I like my doctor. But if she refuses to acknowledge that what has happened to me is likely covid and therefore will not treat me I will find someone else.
I don't really have a moral here beyond please mask up, get vaccinated, etc. Even if covid doesn't fuck you up it might fuck up someone you pass it to. Or even worse, it can kill the immunocompromised people around you. Please have compassion for the people around you. My father, who is a loving and caring man, brought this illness home to me. It wasn't out of malice, but it still has affected my life for probably the rest of my life.
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hey everyone! I am back and I have some things to say <3
also this is regarding the matter before so if you don’t want to read it, I put a readmore
have a spectacular day!
now, to what I want to say:
1. i could care less about gojo’s sexuality because he is a fictional character like every other character
2. I don’t care who you ship or who you don’t ship; it’s none of my business anyway
3. some of y’all act like him being canonically straight changes anything? like, honey, you can still ship him with whoever you want; I never said you can’t
most people never tried forcing the canon that gojo or megumi are straight and again IT DOESNT CHANGE ANYTHING
you can still make an au, a ship, or anything
it doesn’t matter
and the way some are so pressed about it makes me doubt that I am talking to actual adults WHO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORCING SOMETHING AND SIMPLY SAYING IT
idc about any ships or anything and it’s not my right to talk to anyone about it because it isn’t my business
BUT it’s my business when some of you come to MY INBOX to send me hate when I didn’t do anything
no one deserves to handle hate from anyone, let alone from someone who doesn’t have the mind to differentiate between fictional characters and real ones
and no, I am not homophobic
I have multiple lgbtq+ friends and I love them dearly plus someone’s sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with their personality anyway
in fact, true homophobia is the inability to accept others and the way some of you are so appalled by gojo being confirmed straight is truthfully disappointing
what difference does it make whether he is bi, gay, or straight?
so let me say this again in case someone is unable to read GOJO’S SEXUALITY DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE HE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER
a confirmed sexuality never stopped anyone from doing fanart or fics different from it and that’s okay
though it’s one thing to love something and it’s another to SEND HATE TO SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY DONT LOVE IT LIKE YOU DO
if you have the time to worry about a fictional character’s sexuality then surely you can worry about more important things
and if you think this is me being disrespectful then idk what to tell you
anyways to sum this up,
gojo being straight isn’t a taboo and it won’t change anything
you can still ship him, okay? or write aus (especially mafia aus that’s my jam 😎)
that’s what our imagination is for; it isn’t made for you to create a new type of insult to send anyone your way
we are fortunate to have lovely media like this that helps us explore our imagination and truly find a passion in what we see
so act like a mature person and realize that this doesn’t change anything and that you don’t have to hate others for it and for the love of god, learn to accept others
YOU CAN STILL SHIP; THAT’S YOUR OWN FREEDOM BABES
also I am not replying to anyone regarding this matter anymore 😽
anyways thank youuuu <333
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hi kiri I intend to make you type so many words. for our ask game I’m starting with xicheng because I have my share of opinions
ask me about a ship and I'll give my opinions + classify them as does / doesn't make sense, does / doesn't compel me
oh boy. my askbox has never been this full you guys…! really fun all of you tho. some I’ve got thoughts on some I haven’t really considered etc. and very impressively: no dupes!
also. words have been written. to the point that I’m putting this under a readmore lmao. up top apology for the incoherence i do just ramble
sooo xicheng. until recently I did not know the ao3 stats for this ship were. that big? don't feel like dangling the classification like bait so I'll start by saying: doesn’t make sense, doesn't compel me. now I will take way too many words to explain exactly why I feel that way!
as a person I am first and foremost a jiang cheng x happiness shipper. kind of. I never want it to be easy for him. because I’m kind of a bastard. so I've actually read a bit of fic with jc in a few different ships, some of which have been xicheng. and there's like, a few of those fics that have portrayed as aspect of jiang cheng like... so sensitively and in a way that made me Feel Things. so I'll always love them for that. my issue is that I just feel like... in the case of these, lan xichen could often be anyone for me. i read mdzs like... pre-untamed, and lan xichen's like... idk. I liked his role in the story but he didn't super compel me? so some of my issues with xicheng stem from the fact that I've simply never thought about lan xichen that much, and I'm not really invested in exploring his character. I think they could have some compelling things because they have a variety of things on their ends that don't get fully resolved, by pure virtue of 1) existing in mdzs 2) being side characters. also if jiang cheng's visiting gusu lan it puts him in proximity of wei wuxian which does promise for interesting interactions. what sours me on xicheng is... like I've said, I think some fics can make it work enough for me. but I feel like a large motivator of the fic is just... "oh look, wei wuxian's got a brother, and so does lan wangji! let's ship them!" even though they're totally different people? and as a consequence these two tend to get sanded down into often reductive portrayals. lot of pair the spares energy.
also kind of on the subject... I think I just don't really like.... ships with jiang cheng? in general? well my tolerance actually varies but I think especially when they take place post-canon (which the xicheng I've read often does) it doesn't sit right with me. I think it’s because jiang cheng’s not in… dire straits post-canon, but he’s not really happy. like he got told about the golden core thing but he’s unable to say the thing back about why he ran off like that in the first place. and I don’t like post-canon ships where it’s like. oh… jiang cheng, you poor thing. you shall be fixed by love. so I think I’m softer on ships that deal with things that happen before everything goes to shit for this reason. like I’ve not watched a lot of the show, but him and wen qing could be fun especially since that makes the golden core thing way more fucked up. with sangcheng they were like. friends in canon and stuff and then it seems they’ve gotten more distant. with zhancheng I mean like. there’s that tension and those years where wei wuxian wasn’t around and they were carrying their separate griefs. but with xicheng I feel like they don’t have anything super interesting in canon, which makes their outsized popularity a bit startling to me.
this is like. deeply personal and is kind of petty but. as someone who has wandered into the jiang cheng tags a couple times. man. people really hate that guy. and also hate people who like him. at least the couple times I looked there was just a lot of stuff arguing about like. oh jiang cheng sucks actually he’s the worst and all his fans are delusional for liking him and they’re ignoring his Crimes. he’s a uniquely selfish character who is unable to express or feel love. I’m not saying this is everyone, it’s just… the vibe I got from quite a few posts. this was also years ago. maybe things are calmer. I’m definitely biased because jiang cheng has always been my favorite character, so of course I love him. but this isn’t a defense post of him. either you like him or you don’t. just don’t bother me. anyways, the thing about “love” has always stuck with me, because I think that jiang cheng so obviously expresses love. like… the entire way he feels about wei wuxian! that’s his brother! idk. if you can’t see that you’ve lost me. now do I think jiang cheng communicates any of his feelings well ever No.
but about the love thing. when I read romantic fics involving jiang cheng post-canon, intentionally or not, a lot of what I read had this angle of almost like… look how capable of love jiang cheng is. and I’m like. well jiang cheng already loves people. it may not have gone perfectly or been so beautiful but that doesn’t make it non-existent. if he loves selfishly or awkwardly or without communicating it, it doesn’t mean that the love doesn’t exist. I think I’m stumbling into incoherence here… but my favorite headcanon for jiang cheng is probably one where he’s aromantic and asexual, because to me it affirms this feeling of like. romantic love is not some kind of absolution. and the “love” that he feels isn’t any lesser than whatever romance is going around. many different ways to be aroace ofc but this is how I see it for him. a lot of this is probably also influenced by the fact that I’m writing a fic with aroace jiang cheng at this present moment haha. as you might imagine, having this headcanon means that I tend to be neutral on most jiang cheng ships! I think to really grab me you’d have to make it interesting on the other end, so the character’s not just a sounding board for jiang cheng’s issues and vice versa, which sort of sums up my problems with xicheng. even the xicheng fics I read and liked were like… great, I’m glad you’re treating these two like real characters and not wangxian to the left. however a lot of this fic is just like. wow jiang cheng / lan xichen you’ve had it hard. Here’s a character who will comfort you and support you. and that’s nice in a way, but not compelling as a ship, yknow? so that’s the sum up of my thoughts. I’m on the scale of neutral-dislike, but if there’s a particularly good portrayal of jiang cheng I’d probably read it.
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Update On Myself
Hello, and I hope you all are having a good day. I know I have been semi-active after my post about quitting. I want to say first that I appreciate all those who gave feedback and reached out. Although some words had various effects on me, I know you all were coming a place of well intent.
The issues I have been going through when it came to my joy in life stemmed more than just writing. It was a question if I could even go on with anything. Before I go on, I want to warn that this will be personal and touch on heavy subject material. This is all subjective and might not matter to some of you, which is why I am putting the details in a readmore.
This is to give you a better understanding of where I am coming from.
TLDR: I am getting better and will make a strong return. It will be slow, though. Working on self-love.
As far back as middle school, I had grown a hatred towards myself. I have made mistakes in my life that had jeopardized my life or my relationships with friends or family. Even though some things are not my fault, I blamed myself for letting things happen or not fixing them. In middle school, it was regrets in losing friends or not doing more. Eventually, it made me form a wall around myself to not get hurt.
In high school, I did make friends, some of whom I still hang to this day. But, I still felt an immense amount of anger. Yes, I only fought when my friends were in trouble, but I still felt like I had a lot of pent-up anger.
When college came, I learned that not everyone would like your ideas. And having dreams to create and express myself, only for no one to notice or care, it made me wonder if something was wrong with me.
Then I fell in love, but it was long distance. I eventually dropped any goals I set for myself to work on getting a house for my now wife and I to live in. I thought the Navy was the quickest option, but it was not. It took away a lot more than it gave, and it was a major regret.
I kept regretting and regretting my choices. My intentions were noble, right? What am I doing wrong? I wasted time in college, I wasted time in Navy, if it's not perfect then what was the point? I am giving it my all but I can't seem to be happy with what I make.
So many times I wanted this feeling to end. I didn't want to be myself anymore.
Being creative, writing, or doing a project allowed me to be someone else. I could be Deku, I could be Chai, I could be anyone. I wanted to be anyone but myself. Even my original characters are people who I wish I was.
Aeon, confident and kind. Maria, smart and gifted. Joanna, brave and strong.
But I didn't see any value for Aiden Copass. Even if I was the creative mind behind it all, if I failed at anything, I failed the image I wanted to be. The dream I wanted to be real.
That's why things were less fun. I never forgave myself for mistakes or perceive that I had qualities. I am in my late twenties now, and I still feel stuck. I thought I could do anything, have my child like wander, by being an adult turns a colorful world in a world with terrifying shades of gray.
I have been seeking therapy, and I have had talks with others to get a perspective on things. Why I am dissatisfied with what I do. I haven't been practicing self-love, I have been harsh on myself because I can't seem to settle for anything less.
If I can't enjoy what I do, how could anyone else?
This eventually made me more prone to violence, wanting to hurt people. But, it wasn't because I didn't want them to look down on me, I wanted to prove myself. I wanted something in life that could reach the ideal life I wanted. When I didn't, I just lashed out.
I didn't enjoy the struggle because I felt I struggled enough. "When is it enough?!" "When will I get my chance?!" "Why isn't it enough?!"
I kept falling in this endless cycle of hatred and crying. Unable to sleep, unable to function, unable to care for myself. And that just made me hate myself even more.
It wasn't until a friend of mine said these words to me that I began to see what I was doing to myself.
"You can't love anyone or anything without loving yourself first. Because all you'll do is reflect the insecurity you have in yourself towards those things."
So, I started to reflect and take my time. To heal and be better. I still want to work on achieving my goals, but I am going to try and approach it with a different mindset.
It won't be instant, and I might fall back again. But, I will get back up and keep trying. No matter how beaten down I am. I only ask that you all be patient with me.... You have no idea how much you all mean to me. This community has been a huge chunk of my life. I made friends, family, and loved ones here....
I love you all.
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Gerbilgod Year 3: Mausoleums
I’m next in line for the Tumblr Succession Fort, with @proudautisticcomrade having preceded me. The game is overseen by @dorfposting. I’ve had my attention split quite a bit these past few weeks n’ days so I admit I’m not as well versed in the Fortress’s history as I probably should be. But its an angle I can make work.
This ended up being quite a long post with many images, so here’s a readmore for everyone’s sake.
First of Granite, year 153 in the fortress Ërtongnòm: Gerbilgod
Well this is a right mess I’ve found myself in. The latter end of the past year has not been kind to this fortress, so much so that I - a passing stranger - have found myself thrust into the role of overseer for the time being. As shocking as this is, I am loathe to turn my back on my fellow dwarves.
My first order of business is to carve out a place to put all those poor souls to rest. Monuments for those wholly lost, and coffins for those whom we can still find some remnant of. No dwarf will go unhonored. It is the patience, or rather the lack of it, of the dead that has me worried.
The design is something concocted in quick desperation to appease both the living and the dead. A central hall for monuments, large enough for our immediate needs. Off of this will be dug space for coffins. The rooms are meager and the hallway narrow, but I’m afraid that such spaces is the limit of luxury we can presently afford.
After all, a vile force of darkness is upon us.
It hasn’t even been one day yet.
8th of Granite:
Praise the Gods, the siege was short. The small band of invaders swiftly dispatched by visitors loitering outside the gate. With that settled, I’ve ordered it lowered. I hope to gather what wood we can.
13th of Granite:
I’m convinced this fort is cursed.
A terrible winged beast with the gift of flame has come to us. The thing arrives by way of the muddy caverns that much of this fort is built into. I pray that the hands that this fort was previously in had managed to plug any unsecured holes.
Not making matters any better are the returned spirits of our fallen warriors.
Ah, brave souls! If only you yet lived to protect your home!
17th - 19th of Granite:
The beast has disappeared from sight, and we are out of wood. If there is a way for it into the fortress, I hope it takes it through the monster hunters and poets that live under our roof.
It is not all ill news, however. Despite the goblin attack, we are met with an elven caravan. In the chaos I haven’t had much time to assess any needs trading could alleviate, and with the rain of abhorrent sludge impeding the gathering of plants and trees I have to consider-
What.
This... Odd little warrior has scarcely stepped foot in the bog surrounding the fort before his intention to steal one of our beloved rings was made known.
Huh.
He does not seem compelled to act peaceably, and so I send the militia to contend with him.
24th of Granite:
Tragedy and outrage!
While my attention was elsewhere a deadly brawl broke out between some monster slayers and citizens. Our poor Mayor and one other of our own died in the conflict.
To add to the outrage the beast Ongor had snuck up and, just outside the very tavern, claimed the lives of two children.
The rampage continues unabated. Fire and fang claim dwarf after dwarf.
The hunters continue to do nothing.
Tragedy after tragedy, crisis after crisis. I don’t know if I can salve this.
The beast did fall, its last victim - and opponent - a stray puppy. It decapitated the poor creature, but died soon after. I know not the cause. Did a God finally take offense to this last act? Did it die to its own fire and smoke? I don’t have the time to find out. The dead keep piling up.
13th of Slate:
twice now within the past week two humans have come with ambition to steal Tamemoon, and we are unable to really offer much in the way of resistance.
Damn it all. I’m shutting the gate.
20th of Slate:
Migrants! Oh, praise the miners. A large mass of manpower that brought our struggling population up to 77 from a floundering... 44? 40-something. With all the death I didn’t dare keep count, lest I tempt fate.
I hope we have enough room for everyone.
3rd of Felsite:
The construction of the catacombs is going achingly slow. Not helping matters was our manager having no office. With that fixed, hopefully all will go more smoothly.
The fortress also has a new artifact to its name!
A grate will be useful in some project later on, I’m sure.
2nd of Hematite
Summer graces the land, and some measure of stability has been tentatively achieved. The mood in the fortress is dour and our wood supply has run fully dry. I have assigned some to work as woodcutters, but the lack of action has me suspecting a shortage of tools. Hopefully some new iron axes will solve that problem.
11th of Hematite
A human caravan from Erianthath has come! Bless them. Hopefully they come with tools.
14th of Hematite
The rock itself trembles. Another great beast has come to claw at our walls.
Fortunately for us it lurks in the lowermost caverns, of which there is no present entry to our fort. None that I am aware of, at least.
Unfortunately, that means my plans to breach the cavern for a sludge-free source of wood will have to be put on hold. Without a military proper I dare not face it.
1st of Malachite
Our human guests are still here, and have handily dispatched a prospective thief. Why so many seek Tamemoon, I’ll never know.
The caravan, alas, had slim pickings. I bought two bins of both woolen cloth and leather, as well as some cheese and cheap cages. In exchange we gave them a bevy of stone trinkets and worn clothing. Not the most glamorous of goods, but I made sure to be generous enough to entice them to bring a larger selection in the future.
[breaking character to note that I’m experiencing a bug where the diplomacy menu is unavailable. The diplomacy popup just disappears when I click on it. Hopefully that wont have any lasting consequences.]
There are rumors of a new overseer to arrive by the start of next year. I confess that I hope the rumors to be true. I was an ill pick made of desperation. Still, Hopefully I can stay the course well enough that the fortress will be prime material to be shaped by more brilliant hands.
The catacombs, though rough, are slowly being filled with coffins and bodies. Ghosts are being laid to rest as monuments start to fill the hall.
Outside the fortress our new lumberjacks make quick work of producing lumber for our otherwise idle carpenters.
4th of malachite
A small wave of migrants brings the fortress up to a population of 84.
Tamemoon has also been stolen. It appears that it was held within one of the bins of goods I had brought to the depot. Out of pride I will have the guard investigate this. Privately, however, I am glad if the thing would disappear. Perhaps now we’ll have less trouble with wayward brigands.
24th of Malachite
Our broker accused a human maceman of the theft. Good enough for me, I thought, and ordered the conviction. The man now lies dead.
I should probably care more. Meh.
Unrelated to that I’ve decided to cover up and wall off the pit outside the tavern. There was probably a plan for this, but I’m desperate to avoid another Ongor disaster.
14th of Galena
A monster of the surface, for once!
Thankfully it is one vulnerable to cages. With traps in place in the entrance. I had thought to simply raise the alarm and let the thing stop itself. Unfortunately, a spat of children and one dimwit of a carpenter remained outside. The carpenter, one Urvad Onuculdist, perished. The children, however, seem to have made it out alive. One of our two hammerdwarves slew the beast.
This does bring to mind, however, our woefully sparse defenses. We also lack a water supply within the fort itself. I doubt I have time to fix it wholly, but I can try.
Ghosts continue to rise as we struggle to find corpses and engrave slabs fast enough.
23rd of Galena
The Oily Chestnut has been enclosed!
The drawbridge is linked to one of four new levers I purpose built for new defenses, on the main floor, off to the side of the central stairwell.
It has been labelled for clarity of use. With industry on pause I doubt I can make a fully outfitted death tunnel in time, alas. But perhaps I could get one started...
1st of Limestone
Autumn has come, and with it a vile force of darkness. Raise the gates! Hunker down! We still have food and drink enough down here to last us. What we don’t have is manpower enough to fight them off.
Unfortunately, a Gelder was lost when trying to lower the gate for them. Our outside livestock is also being slaughtered. The herbalist Dumed also didn’t make it back in time, and was slaughtered in a tree.
9th of Limestone
The cheesemaker Olon Cattenbidok is not accounted for, and we can only assume they to have perished outside. Damn it all, if only there was some way we could properly fight back...
18th of Limestone
The raiders have dispersed and a caravan from the Mountainhome has arrived. With them comes news that, yes, a new overseer will arrive in the coming spring. All I have to do, then, is keep the place from falling apart.
For next year I requested an all-around spread of weapons, clothing, trap components, cages, cloth and leather. Toys for the little ones as well.
An axedwarf, meanwhile, has slipped into a depression. This can’t be good.
15th of Sandstone
Another axedwarf has slipped into depression, the both of them being among the monsterslayers currently residing in the fortress.
I have been permitting any and all such warriors to stay, even if there are no monsters to be had. Hopefully they will eventually petition for citizenship as a soldier, wherein they can help quickly bolster our military.
I’ve made a new squad to host two human warriors who have already done so, along with some other citizens that have some skill with weaponry. For now the squad is simply standing by. They’ll need barracks and a place to train, hopefully I’ll remember to get around to it.
In other news, a small band of migrants has come to the fort, bringing the population up to a servicable 92. With some careful management I’m sure much can be done to bring this fort back on track. Straight after that, a stonecrafter by the name of Fikod was possessed by a strange mood, and claimed a crafter’s workshop.
17th of Sandstone
Another forgotten beast has come.
Thankfully, it would appear that the Oily Chestnut is secured enough to keep the beast out. We can hear its rampage outside the walls, and feel the heat of its fire warm the rock. But for now, we are safe.
1st of Timber
Fikod emerges from his mood, holding high the newest artifact to the forts name!
A bright moment amidst all the gloom.
I have also allowed entry to the inactive magma workshops, that the bodies left there may finally be buried. I’m embarrassed that they slipped my attention for so long. Hopefully this will greatly improve our ghost problem. I’ve had to extend out the memorial hall for all the monuments!
18th of Timber
A guild of craftdwarves, aptly named the Company of Crafts, has formed and requested a guildhall.
Following the sensibilities of my predecessor, I have designated for one to be dug out in the shape of a hammer.
1st of Moonstone
Winter is upon us. My tenure as overseer is nearly done. For these last few month’s I aim to get some things cleaned up and smoothed out. Try to finish more bedrooms, perhaps. The catacombs continue to fill up with what few remains can be found.
In hindsight, a few erected slabs may have been made in the honor of those that languished in the magma workshops. Ah well, the poor souls aren’t undeserving of it.
9th of Moonstone
Damn it all! The depressive slayer, Zaneg, has toppled the still in a mad tantrum. Hopefully the damage wont go beyond that.
1st of Opal
Better late then never is my motto for these last few months. I have constructed the beginnings of a death tunnel. Though we don’t have much materials as of yet, with enough weapon traps this worm of a passage should defeat most any invaders without us having to lift a finger.
The drawbridges and their levers have both been labelled. The levers themselves being among those Constructed on the main floor.
Along with this I thought to dig out a section of the dirt portion of the mountain to become an enclosed grazing area. It seems that it’s shaping up to be more stone than dirt, but it gives me an idea. Why not expand up into the mountain? After all, just this much into the area has revealed limonite and coal both.
3rd of Obsidian.
Word has come from the Mountainhome that the next overseer is on their way. Looking back, there's much I could have done differently. Hell, there’s much I could have just done.
My biggest regret is not making a special place of rest for our fallen major. Jv rests among the rest of us. But who knows, perhaps that is what they’d want.
10th of Obsidian
One more beast to see me off!
This one, to, arrives via the muddy caves. I wonder if its kin with Paboz? I had hoped the two would kill each other, but Omus would soon fall after a prolonged battle with a blind cave ogre.
25th of Obsidian
My last act as overseer is the designation of digging out an inside pasture further up the mountain.
To you who succeeds me: good luck.
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I want you to know stranger, as someone who has gone through similar events, that things will be ok.
There’s nowhere to go but up, always has been the case in these situations. The pain you have endured is more than one human can take and it’s understandable that you feel so alone. But the fact that you’re still here speaks so much and you should be proud.
I can’t say it gets 100% better, as the human mind can be cruel, but it always gets easier.
The trauma you experienced is still fresh and lingers, but I have no doubt in my mind that 5 years from now things will be better. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for and I’m happy you’re still here. I’m sure plenty others share my sentiment.
Try to self ship in small, manageable doses. Step back when it gets to be too much. Try to do more and more as much as you’re capable.
Also, enjoy the Barbie movie. Even if you end up unable to self ship with her, you should allow yourself to enjoy things again. If it does get too much, step away for a minute when there’s a lull in action. Breathe. Go back in. You deserve to enjoy life. Enjoy it to the fullest.
One day, things will be ok. I believe in you :)
Oh wow, okay so you sent this lovely message to me when I first posted that vent post a couple of days ago and deleted it after barely 20 seconds. I was surprised to see this response to it, but I appreciate this so much. I broke down into tears halfway through reading your message, it was definitely something I needed at the time and still need to read now. I'm very thankful, more than I can put into words.
My response is LONG so I'll put it under a readmore for your convenience:
I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through similar events... god I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I have never felt so awful in my life, and it feels so relentless. I feel like... no matter what I do, no matter how much of my online space I'm trying to curate, I am still going to receive extreme harshness from certain people. I'm so paranoid about everyone I care about suddenly turning against me, feeding off of somebody else's lies. It feels like it gets worse every week, and will just never stop.
Thank you for saying I should be proud. Thank you for recognizing how lonely this feels. I genuinely don't know what to do to make myself feel better. Having these situations happen back to back feels like hell because every emotion I feel is always amped up to 200000%. I am devastated by what happened to me, what was taken from me, and now I am constantly anxious and stress vomiting because I am so worried about what could possibly be happening against me when I'm unaware. I know I need to "just stop thinking about it" but that is so much easier said than done, and I don't know how to do that when I am so emotionally driven. I'm told I'm not alone in this, but it's so easy for me to forget when I spent almost a year completely alone and fed constant negativity. I assume everyone, even my own dear friends, are planning to betray me the same way -- which is totally unfair to them for me to think something like that, and of course I'm masking all of this as it happens because I don't want them to deal with my burdens, but damn I hate sitting on the couch with someone and the entire time in the back of my head I'm thinking "okay be prepared because, just like [abuser], they're just pretending to be your friend and they want to hurt you. they are going to hurt you. maybe not right now but it will happen and you have to be ready for it, because everyone secretly wants to use you, and they're going to gather a whole bunch of people to harass you if you even try to speak up about it." It feels awful. and it's even worse when I'm self shipping, since my comfort characters aren't real it's not like I can just ask for validation like I can from an irl friend. I can't just call up Bee and be like "hey babe I need reassurance that you don't secretly want to torture me because you love [abuser] and want to hurt me the way she did". like. as hilarious and stupid as that sounds. which is why I used to love buying cameos. there is a Bee voice actor on cameo right now and I could request a "hey Keri I love you and would never let anyone hurt you" but he's close to $115 plus fees, and I just don't have that kind of cash :')
I'm so baffled to hear that you think I'm strong, but I appreciate you saying it. I feel weaker than ever. I am so anxious and so severely depressed all the time. I'm so convinced I am incapable of healing, especially when I am constantly facing triggers in everyday life even outside of the internet because a handful of my triggers are like, common things, clothes, colors, even certain words/phrases. The Barbie movie is going to have one of my main triggers on screen 24/7, possibly even two more, there's certain eye colors and clothes that make me panic as well, and I have no doubt I'll find that in the film. but I still want to see the movie so so so bad. I don't want anxiety to control my life the way it's crippling me right now.
I appreciate your advice, both with easing into drawing self shipping slowly and to try to enjoy the movie. I am going to try so hard to see that movie. I'm going to wear my prettiest, fluffiest skirt, I'm going to wear butterfly clips in my hair, I'm going to try so hard to watch that movie and look at Barbie being so beautiful and pure and sweet and gentle and kind and hope that she'd share that kindness with me, that she'd hold my hand and tell me I am loved and that she wouldn't let anyone try to hurt me. It might help to see my triggers in such a gentle setting, and try to associate these triggers with gentle and kind people, and the colors/clothes can maybe slowly stop being triggers and gradually become "oh this thing makes me a little bit uncomfortable when I look at it, but at least i'm not getting a flashback and tensing up like I used to". I'll take your advice and leave the room to catch my breath if I need it. Also I appreciate you still telling me to at least try to see the movie, I've had a lot of ppl tell me "oh just don't look at triggers ever, are you stupid Keri, you need to just never do Anything Ever Again" but I kind of have to look at these things if I want to work on getting better! and I also don't want to be in the habit of cutting myself off from my favorite things just in general, I already cut off self shipping and transformers, I really don't want to cut off any more.
I appreciate you sending this message, I really needed it at the time that you sent it and I feel comforted reading it again. I am wishing for so many good things to happen to you. Thank you for your sweetness ❤
#anonymous#asks#keepsake#ilu anon thank you again 😭😭 i hold onto supportive messages like a lifeline#thank you for telling me im gonna be okay. i really hope so too
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Hello! You have very beautiful art.. I wanted to ask you about your thought on Valtteri ships if you have some? I am deeply in love with Valewis but I would also like your thoughts on dantteri ;)
Hello, Anon! Thank you very much <3
I love this question! I love talking ships I really do.
Romantically, Valewis isn’t for me. Not because I don’t think it would work, but when it comes to Lewis I’m a die hard monoshipper. George or bust! (prior relationships are their own discussion, but always endgame Britcedes over here)
But… BUT! Platonically/Bromantically? I could talk about Valewis for HOURS! ASK KIMY, I LITERALLY HAVE.
(I also go into a LONG essay on Dantteri under the readmore after I’m done talking about Valewis)
I am so down bad for the brotherly bond between Lewis and Val, the bond forged first in proximity then in familiarity. This especially goes for a/b/o au’s, Lewis is a born leader, someone people naturally turn to. Val is that perfect second in command. The quiet bastion that presses against Lewis’ back to prop him up when the pressure gets unbearable. The solem observer Lewis can trust to be level headed when he is facing questions without an easy answer.
I have a kink for positive masculinity, and my favourite way of expressing this in ideas and writing is always with Val and Lewis. Whether it be easy, casual touches that reassure each other (the grasp of a shoulder, the squeeze of an arm) or strong, tight hugs that let them ground each other. I Love talking about the angst of Lewis strung between Val and George when the seat change came, how he didn’t want to favour either but felt helpless when toto asked him what he wanted. He wants George, who has worked so, so hard to get here. Who has fought tooth and nail to climb, climb, climb. He also wants Val, who has stood by his side for years in the wake of Nico’s betrayal. Who had to deal with the pressure of being his teammate without much complaint. Who sacrificed himself for Lewis more than once. Oh bromantic Valewis you have ANGST you have BONDS you have FAMILIAL LOVE. You are PERFECT.
AND THEN YOU BRING UP DANTTERI? Anon I fucking LOVE DANTTERI. That IS my one and true Dan and Val ship now. I usually only have one set mono ship per fandom, I often chop and change everyone else pretty happily. But @blafard introduced me to Dantteri and I have been OBSESSED ever since. I now find it hard to explore other val and dan ships bc I’m always thinking about them (dantteri)
IT HAS SO MANY LAYERS. I know they have a shared history, which I’m still learning (I’m v much in need of a PowerPoint on this topic), but EVEN WITHOUT THAT there’s so much to them that’s just *chefs kiss*. The thing about Dan and Valtteri is they are opposites who have more in common than they would ever admit. They are loud and quiet, broad and long, light and dark. Dan with his blinding grin and black curls who invades Val’s stoic space to run a hand through bright blond hair and preen for the Finn’s rare, soft grin. The spice of Val turning it around on Dan to tease him over shared beers to see him blush.
They are both men who had incredibly promising careers that started to fade with the curse of the second driver. Guys who chased championships like every driver who then had to contend with the brutal realisation that they are no longer the best at what they do.
There is a bond between them in this shared angst, because who else would they talk to? With all respect, Val can’t talk to Lewis about what its like to be second best to him. Lewis is a legend made man in his talent, its just not something he would be able to get the way Dan does. For Dan, he lives under the mantle of being funny for everyone, and ends up feeling unable to break that act. Almost suffocated by the walls he built between himself and the grid, that Val sees right through. Val who looks at Dans tight cracked grin, grabs him by the neck, and hauls him in for the hug he desperately needs. Because Val gets it. He gets what its like to have everyone discussing your plateau as they build the path to your fall.
There’s so much angst to go with that comfort too. Angst in Dan making everything a joke so he can shield himself from being rejected by Valtteri. Every line tipped with a blade so he can whip back and defend his wounded ego rather than let himself be hurt again. Val who’s sometimes so solemn and unreacting it comes off as cold and dismissive, who locks up when faced with discomfort and distrust that Dan views him as Lewis’ shadow. Withdrawing into himself rather than bare himself for once. And can you just fucking imagine what its like for Dan, to see Val as a mirror of himself if he’d stayed at RB. If he would have been slowly pushed out?
Is that worse to imagine than the reality of what happened. Thrown to the side by McLaren in a tarnished heap. Mercedes may have forced Val to accept a role as second, but at least they had the decency to ensure he was placed safely before announcing George.
What happens to Val at Mercedes is Dan’s situation if he was in a team that actually loved him. You can say many things about Mercedes and how they treated Val, but at least they meant it when they called him family.
Dantteri is fucking amazing because at its core its about teasing opposites who bond under shared trauma. It’s about Dan finding a safe space in Val, and Val being allowed to complain without judgement. You can imagine them sharing glasses of gin under the stars as jokes give way to honesty. How they wont look away from the sky in case they must confront their vulnerability, but their fingers wind together and squeeze.
#asks#anonymous#mark talks ships#i want to tag this dantteri and Valewis for my blog#but i need to keep it out of the main tags#so filler tags these be#I LOVE going on rambles like this btw i spent like an hour typing#dantteri#valewis#valtteri bottas
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Hi, yes, can i interest you in part 2 of the thing? Figured i may as well spend my time on the bus doing SOMETHING.
Sorry idk how to add readmores anymore, especially on mobile
Content warnings: animal death (deer), implied vore, sfw vore, safe vore, fear play(?)
When they wake, the first thing they notice, is that they're sticky. Uncomfortably sticky. Dried leaves and dirt stick to them in scratchy clumps that they barely have the strength to swipe from their face as they sit up.
It's early morning, the sky still dark, but the air crisp, and the crickets calm in the dew soaked grass. It's ... peaceful
The second thing they notice, is a burnt smell. They look towards the fire, brain fuzzy and struggling to remember what had happened. A handful of logs still burned, weak flames licking over charred wood as they scrabbled for life - over them hung the pot they had been cooking stew in. Their stomach growls and tightens painfully, reminding them they were hungry, and they begrudgingly get to their feet to stumble forward to inspect what might be left.
The stew had devolved into a thick sludge, the water having mostly evaporated and the meat dried into a former husk of itself. They stir it, the potatoes falling apart to become part of the sludge - and their mind strays to unpleasant thoughts. They wonder if that's what it's like to be digested, to fall apart and become an unrecognizeable sludge, forgotten and used to fuel something else much larger than themself.
Their heart skips a beat as they remember -why- they're sticky. They remember the giant, his fangs framing their view, the cavernous depths of his throat...They remember the feeling of being swallowed, of laying in that dark, heated chamber awaiting the worst...
The spoon drops back into the pot noisily and they realize they had been staring at nothing for a minute. They shake the thoughts from their mind and reach into the cooling 'stew' to fish out a piece of dried meat. It's not great, but, they needed something, and they needed it now. They pretended it was the blandest jerky in the world and managed to swallow the scratchy chunk.
"You're eating that?" Comes a disgusted voice from behind them, making them freeze.
"It's not bad." They lie casually, not turning to face him. "Better than airline food." Not that either of them knew what airline food was.
There's a skeptical pause. "If you say so..." He doesn't believe them.
Frustration spikes through them suddenly as they look down into that pot at the saddest stew on the planet. "I just...really wanted this." They sigh, unable to hide their disappointment. "No point wasting it..."
Another pause as they shuffle around for another chunk of meat that may as well have been dry grass. "I don't know much about humans, but I know just smelling that is making me sick...."
They ignore him and shove another chunk into their mouth.
There's a disgusted sound before a shadow falls over them and they are being pried away from the pot.
"Don't eat that" the giant chastises as he settles back onto his knees and plops them down in front of him. "Making me regret letting you go. Almost feel like it would have been a *mercy* to eat you if you're just gonna eat...whatever that is and die anyway."
They wince, unable to look up at him still. They're confused and scared, but most of all, they're upset. The stew would have been perfect if he'd just let them eat it earlier.
"What else am I gonna eat? If you'd just let me eat it earlier, if you'd just -" They find themselves snapping before mentally kicking themselves and putting their head in their hands. They're tired, their body aches, and most of all, they're hungry. "I was really looking forward to it..." they say, deflating. They bite their lip to keep from crying...God, imagine, crying over burnt soup...stupid. They could have died, they still could, and yet, all they could focus on was SOUP.
The giant sits silently stunned a moment, not expecting this reaction from his prey. Normally, people in this position were terrified of returning to their former occupation of 'food'. They should be thanking him, they should be running away, they should be...a lot of things.
Still, he notes the crack in their voice, the defeated posture, and he remembers his own frustration when he had missed meals....
Humans. Pathetic.
He sighs and gets to his feet. "Stay here." He rumbles, annoyed before vanishing into the trees, leaving only crickets and stillness.
They wait for him to return for a time, uncertain of how he'd react if he found them eating from the pot after telling them not to. Would he kill them? Would he eat them again? They mull over the possibilities far too long before their hunger wins out. They eat a few more chunks of those disappointing meat cubes while he's away. They're unsatisfying, and tough to swallow, but it's something to take the edge off their hunger. They spend the time alone collecting thoughts, collecting questions. They wonder if they'll have the courage to ask them when he returns. They wonder if they should even voice them... They wonder alot of things.
A low vibration runs through their bones after some time, soundless and deceptively light, and a moment later, the giant appears from the brush once more. There's a buck in his grasp and a roundness to his belly that wasn't there previously.
"Here." He tosses the carcass onto the ground near them, causing them to scramble back in fear of it falling on top of them. "That should be more than enough, right?"
They eye the buck, then tilt their gaze to the man as he settles cross-legged nearby. Their brows furrow as even more questions fill their head.
"Thank? You?" They say tilting their head, feeling uncertain.
"Your welcome." He says plainly, looking judgementally at the pot of burnt stew until they were certain he knew of their 'crime' and was going to punish them for it. He never says a word.
They spend the next hour and a half processing the body, they'd spend even longer fleshing and preparing the hide later, but for now, they simply butchered it and seperated the parts. Once they'd cleaned the pot out in a creek nearby, they filled it and set the salted meat water to boil. They may not have any more potatoes, or much more than spices to put into this, but meat soup would work just fine. What they didn't put in the soup, they would smoke later as jerky.
They settle across the fire from the giant as they wait for the stew to finish. He'd closed his eyes at some point, but they knew he was still awake. They wondered how to breech the topic they wished to discuss... Eventually they decide, fuck it, just ask. They doubted he was going to eat them again - at least for today, not after he had hunted food for them.
"Why did you let me go?" They ask more meekly than they liked.
He doesn't respond right away, he doesn't even hint that he had heard them. They wonder if he dozed off... He takes a deep breath through his nose and exhales slowly.
"You were giving me a stomach ache." He shrugs out.
They furrow their brow and look away from him, unclear how they feel about that statement. On the one hand, they lived, on the other hand, did that make them so disgusting they were inedible? Their brain buzzes in self deprecation, but they focus on the fur in their hands, and a follow up comes to them.
"And...the deer?" They ask, looking up.
A long pause, a frown. "Couldn't stand your whining."
A lie. They think it's a lie anyway. They don't know why he'd lie about that, but it's a comfort, and they'll take it.
He rubs his stomach and their eyes catch on the movement. Did his stomach look like that when they were in it? What had he eaten to fill it now? Who? Were they in pain? Something stirs in them, dark and distressing. They look away and tuck those feelings in a box, never to open again, they hope.
They focus on scraping the fat from the fur for a moment, content to lose themselves in their work. They had more questions, but, they could wait.
After about ten minutes, they feel like they're being watched. They look up to see those silver eyes on them, watching them, the giants brows furrowed as he mulled over something.
"Why are you here?" He asks, finally. "Like, of all the places in this land, why come back to a place you knew you could die?"
They feel their face redden, though they aren't sure why. "I didn't know where else to go..."
"You have a home, don't ya?" He asks, raising a brow. "A place in that town a few miles to the west..."
They open their mouth to answer - then close it and look away. "It's gone."
He blinks and boggles at this. He opens his mouth to ask for clarification, but he's cut off by the answer.
"I was out of town for a few days," they press their thumb into their palm nervously. "And when I got back...it was destroyed."
He tilts his head, thinking, remembering something. "Is that what that was...?" He murmurs aloud.
"What?" They ask.
He debates answering them, but, eh, why not. "A month ago I smelled a group of monsters in the woods. A lot of them. Like, more than 10." He does a swirl with his finger. "Scents get too hard to follow at a certain point, but I know it was a lot. They seemed in a hurry to get somewhere. I -uh" he pauses, suddenly uncomfortable. "I didn't feel like I asking them about it."
They tilt their head again. "And you think they did it? But why?"
An exasperated sigh. "I don't know! I just told you, I didn't ask."
A pause, they look away. "Sorry."
"For what?" He asks, sinking back against the tree and crossing his arms.
They don't know how to respond.
"Annnyway" he continues, looking away and changing the subject. "So, you return and your first thought is "'Ah yes, lets go to the woods with that man eating giant. Getting eaten seems like a great idea!'" He snorts.
"I was...scared..."
"Of what?" He scoffs baffled by this human. "Because it's clearly not of me." A tinge of frustration tarnishes his tone.
There's a long awkward pause as they decide how to answer. "I'm unfamiliar with the world outside of that town and these woods." Green eyes focus back on the giant. "This was the only other place I felt comfortable being - even if a grumpy jackass made it his home." They grin, hoping he takes it for the playful jab it was meant as.
He blinks - not understanding.
"Besides, i thought, maybe it'd be nice to-"
They cut themselves off and look away, bashful and unwilling to say their second reason.
"Nice to what?" He prods, curious.
Their throat tightens and they work the flesh in their hands, focusing on the cold greasey feeling and the softness of the contrasting fur.
"To see you again." They murmur so low they hope the giant doesn't hear.
The giants ears twitch and he goes through an array of expressions, doubt, thought, confusion, more thought, disgust - it settles on confused. "You *wanted* me to eat you?" He asks, disturbed.
It's their turn to splutter disbelief. "N-no!" They correct, eyes wide. "No! I just. It's just - I've never seen anything like you before, and you hinted at there being more things like you - or maybe not like you at all. You hinted at there being More and I just..." their articulating flustered gestures with their hands "I wanted to learn more..."
He blinks blankly at them. "But I told you-"
They roll their eyes, exasperated with their feelings on this matter. "I know! I just...kind of hoped...you wouldn't..."
Another series of blinks. "So you just hoped...I'd find you and...- what?... Be friends or some shit?"
They feel their face redden and they can't look at him, "I know it's stupid, but..."
He stares at them blankly a moment before he can't hold his disbelief any longer and belts out laughing. "You've got to be either the dumbest or the -boldest- human I ever saw."
They grin sheepishly but don't look up. "Boldness and stupidity often go hand in hand..." they say more to themselves.
He wipes at a tear in his eye, struggling to speak as the laughter comes and goes. Eventually, it peters away and, after a few deep breaths - "You're prey." He says simply, amused crooked grin on his face. "That's all you'll ever be to me. Prey."
They frown down at the pelt in their hands, a sadness eating at them.
"Buuut-" he breathes out as he stands and stretches, the weight in his middle shifting in an uncomfortable looking way as his shirt pulls up over it. "If you really have nowhere else to go - I suppose you can stay here. I wouldn't stay out in the open if I were you though." A pause, a pointed and hungry look "Afterall, this is still my territory - and as long as you stay here - I will hunt you."
They tense and slouch in on themselves, their heart twisting in a painful way, dejected and shattered. They can't speak, they know if they try, they'll just start to cry, so they say nothing.
"Enjoy your soup." The giant huffs, readjusting his shirt over his middle. "You know the rules. Next time..." he snickers grimly, "Well, you know"
They sit hunched for sometime, even after he leaves, something inside broken and painful to swallow. Morning birds begin their songs, squirrels rattle the branches above, and as the sun breaks the horizon, a dam breaks and they begin to sob into the fur clutched in their hands.
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how do you overcome writer's block?
hi anon!! thank you so much for your ask! i actually have a lot of thoughts on this topic!!! disclaimer that ymmv and this is just what has worked for me—though i hope it helps other people! this also got rather long, so i'm sticking it beneath a readmore.
i should start by saying that i used to get horrendous writer's block—the type that, if i were the crying type, would have left me in tears of frustration. however, after over a decade of writing, and four-plus years of that being writing with intent and dedication, i've figured out some things that have basically eliminated writer's block for me (with the exception of mental health-related hiccoughs that i can't really control).
first of all, i like to identify what kind of writer's block i'm experiencing, because that will help me determine my plan of action. broadly speaking, at least for me, writer's block can be broken down into two distinct—though at times overlapping—categories: idea block and motivation block.
idea block is what happens when, for whatever reason, no matter how hard i try, i can't come up with concepts or plots, and trying to write is a frustrating slog where none of the words i put to paper seem to feel quite right—this is the type of block where there's nothing stopping me from writing, but actually doing so feels like a slog. i also call this "dry" writer's block, because it's more tolerable to me personally—there's a lot of things i can do to help break the block that work fairly reliably for me (i'll get to that in a minute).
motivation block is what happens when i just cannot find it in myself to write, no matter how much i want to. i may have dozens of fascinating concepts, but for some reason, i just can't sit down and write. if i try and force myself, i'll feel resentful and bitter and unhappy—and this can make the entire process of writing incredibly unpleasant, as i will keep getting distracted and feel frustrated with myself. i call this "wet" writer's block—it's much harder for me to deal with, and can be pretty damaging if i try and power through it.
the third type of writer's block isn't really it's own category—it's the overlap between motivation block and idea block. i won't belabour the point, but this one is generally not something i deal with, and when it has happened, it's the most tolerable—if i have neither motivation nor ideas, then i'm generally not too upset about not writing. still, this can be frustrating! it doesn't feel good to find yourself unable to do something that brings you joy or meaning.
now that i've defined the types of writer's block, let's get to how i actually deal with them.
idea block
usually speaking, this is the easiest for me to deal with! generally speaking, i take a step back and try and assess the situation. oftentimes, the reason i can't come up with any ideas is because i'm overwhelmed by the other things in my life. my first line of action in this case is to make a plan to reduce the stress i'm experiencing, and then, after that, go through the various things i've collected and see if any of that sparks anything—for example, i'll go through my poetry tag on my blog, check out some books from the library, and watch an episode or two of a show. all of these are things that i can take inspiration from concepts or emotional beats from, and, even better, they don't really require me to do much! i also have a folder in my notes app specifically dedicated to fanfic ideas—this is where i jot down one- or two-line summaries of a fanfic concept i've thought of when i am, say, in a lecture or at the grocery store, and am not able to write at the moment, but i want to remember and work on the concept later on, and looking through this will often help with idea block. obviously, a folder of fanfic ideas is something that takes a while to build up—it's not a solution if you don't have anything already in there, but the other things i've mentioned, like reading a new book or watching a show, are things that don't require prior planning.
motivation block
this one is, like i said, much harder. however, the cause for it is often pretty immediately clear if i take a step back—usually, it's because i don't have enough happening in my life. this often occurs during breaks or on days that i don't have a ton scheduled, and the free time i have winds up seeming daunting and unappealing rather than enticing. in the past, i've definitely been guilty of trying to brute force my way through this—but, for me, at least, this is a really bad idea! it can lead to burning out, which causes damage in the long run, and is really unpleasant in the short run. instead, what i've learnt to do is to try and put myself in a writing mindset. some tools that help with this, for me, are going back to my initial concept(s) for whatever i've been working on recently, and try and identify if i've accidentally intimidated myself out of working on them, or if the concept itself is something i just don't feel particularly enthused by at the moment. once i've done that, i like to make playlists and moodboards—these can be for characters, or concepts, or anything you want, really! they're a creative exercise that doesn't require quite as much effort as writing, and they can help you with your writing later on. another thing that i do is read through my old works—anything that i've published on ao3 is fair game, and doing this often helps me to become motivated again because i'll find something that i really enjoy and want to replicate, or turns of phrase i want to use again. i also try and see if there's something physical that's the issue—i can't count the number of times where i was feeling unmotivated, and realised that, oh, i hadn't eaten in ten hours, or i was dehydrated, or i hadn't taken my medications for the day. another thing that helps with motivation block, for me, is to do a modified rubber duck method—i'll explain my wip or concept to a friend, and oftentimes they'll have comments or enthusiasm that will help me become motivated again, because i always have an easier time doing something when i feel like there's a third party that i am "accountable" towards.
total block
this one i honestly don't have a lot of advice for. generally speaking, though, in my experience, it's a good signal that i need to take a step back and recuperate—maybe i overdid it with my last project emotionally, or maybe i'm just really busy in real life and don't have the energy necessary to dedicate towards writing. either way, pushing yourself isn't a good idea! like with motivation block, it can wind up burning you out, or, barring that, make you associate writing with feelings of discomfort—which isn't something you want, because you can accidentally condition yourself into an aversion. my best advice for this is to just...............slow down! make yourself a smoothie, or eat some fruit. go for a walk, pet a cat, or work on a physical hobby. consider giving a friend a call, or texting them. in general, do something that reminds you that life doesn't have to be hectic and stressful—eventually, you'll have rested enough that your mind will probably naturally begin making up concepts and generating enthusiasm.
that's about everything i can think of! i hope anon, or anyone else reading this, find it helpful—and if anyone has any more questions, please feel free to ask!
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this pinned post is permanent now too...
Alright, the temporary blog image has grown on me. It's a cropped square from page 31 of A Collection of Emblemes, Ancient and Moderne (1635) by George Wither.
The header image is Monhegan, Maine (1922) by Nicholas Roerich. Everyone should go look at more Roerich artwork immediately; his are some of the most consistently beautiful paintings I've ever seen.
Anyway...
I'm:
Cinnamon or Hildred by name, accurately referred to with any pronoun set other than he/it.
@/voidblue on pronouns.page.
Generally, my thematic color is blue and not yellow, but it doesn't make sense for Hildred Castaigne to be blue. In fact, I think he'd be somewhat offended. This makes making this account look like me... somewhat difficult. (Update: I've given up entirely. This is Hildred's blog theme now. The Imperial Dynasty of America was secretly the Imperial Dynasty of Tumblr User @hildred-rex's Blog Theme.)
Under the readmore: a list of fandoms I partake in, more detail on my exploits in gothic literature, a noncomprehensive list of other things I've enjoyed, and a "last updated."
Fandoms:
gothic literature (predominantly horror) in general; this gets its own list lower down!
The League of Extraordinary Gentlefolk.
Arthur Machen (have not read everything yet!)
Dracula by Bram Stoker.
The King in Yellow by Robert W. Chambers.
The Parties are for Losers series by Ferry. (I don't want to give them a random notification for no reason, but they're nopanamaman on tumblr.)
The rest of Ferry's songs are also very good!
currently reading Homestuck due to a D&D campaign (I promise this makes sense in context)
[more when I remember them]
I decided a few years ago that Lovecraft was seminal to the cosmic horror genre and that therefore I should read all the fiction he ever wrote; to my recollection I've read everything listed on Wikisource except "The Street" and "The Rats in the Walls," provided it's extant. (Not sure this counts as a fandom?)
I'll have to come back and add a "music I enjoy" section later.
More on Gothic Literature:
(Listed = I've read it; bolded = I can probably do analysis of its characters; italicized = I don't remember it well; underlined = I really want to reread this and will when I have the time. Small is notes and commentary.)
This is only what I've dredged up from my brain at the moment and I have probably read more; this'll be updated as I read and/or think of stuff.
Dracula (1897) by Bram Stoker. (Curiously, I've never actually done Dracula Daily.)
The King in Yellow (1895) by Robert W. Chambers. (Bolding only goes for the weird stories, including "The Demoiselle d'Ys," and is strongest for "The Repairer of Reputations." I've found myself unable to get through a few of the romances & cannot make heads nor tails of "The Prophet's Paradise" except that it feels like someone accidentally published his sheet of idea-collection paper. Admittedly, because of that it makes a pretty good transition between the weird stories and the rest.)
The Three Impostors (1895) by Arthur Machen. (I utterly adore this book.)
Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1886) by Robert Louis Stevenson. (I really loved reading this one, but was very sad by the end. I had Opinions on most of the characters and will again when I reread.)
The Great God Pan (1890) by Arthur Machen.
The Inmost Light (1890) by the same author. (Hello Dyson!)
The Vampyre (1819) by John William Polidori.
The Shining Pyramid (1923) by Arthur Machen. (I didn't like this one when I last read it; Dyson felt off.)
The White People by Arthur Machen (has the most cursed name of anything ever).
Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus (1831, not yet 1818) by Mary Shelley.
The Red Hand (1895) by Arthur Machen.
[Am currently reading more Machen.]
Miscellaneous Things Enjoyed:
This time in alphabetical order.
The Anatomy of Tobacco by Arthur Machen. I feel I must clarify that it's a comedic work that I'd estimate to be of novella length. Reader beware, this book contains random untranslated and even untransliterated faux-Ancient Greek.
At the Mountains of Madness by H. P. Lovecraft.
The Case of Charles Dexter Ward by H. P. Lovecraft. It feels like reading a textbook with a central plot besides the advancement of history (and with a nicer writing style). Content warning for racism and off-handed mentions of the colonial American slave trade.
Fourteen by Peter Clines. This book gets in one's head and doesn't leave.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and its ensuing series, by Douglas Adams.
Last updated 2024-03-31, YYYY-MM-DD.
Created sometime in late-ish November 2023. Edited 2023-12-07.
Backdated to Louis Castaigne's birthday in a year that would make him 42 years old at the founding of this blog.
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hello!! i want to hear EVERYTHING about this!! aus with Nishiki usually go for a "happier" route, so making his situation worse is... an interesting take to say the least lmao. i need to know: is yuko still alive in all this or does she die and Nishiki just. doesn't hear about it until he gets out of jail??
Oh you have activated my Bullshit TM hehe. Don't get me wrong I love making things better for him, and even this au eventually would do that but not before it gets Way worse, sort or just expanding on all the implications of Nishiki serving those ten years. Truthfully it's like the worst option of the three outcomes of the situation. Forgive me if this is incoherent it's like 3 am right after work and also forgive me for shelling my various theories like "nishiki makes so much more sense if he has feelings for Kiryu" and "trans masc swag" readmore bc I can't shut up
To answer the first question, as much as I really want Yuko to be there as a character bc i feel like she could add some interesting dynamics and really a potential voice of reason based on me making shit up about her, I feel for this au it makes more sense that she still passes away. Possibly earlier this time as Nishiki obviously isn't around to try and save her as fervently. But I still feel like she would have an impact in a way, at least with how Nishiki sees the world and the people around him. Also for reasons I can't explain I feel like she was the only one of the 4 of them that just. Didn't really like Kazama, and Nishiki was the only one she would say this too, added doubt and such, added guilt for fighting with her about it bc he was so certain that Kazama did love him. (And also...does he though? Hmm)
Also a point I'll make, nobody even once tries to contact Nishiki while he's in jail except to expel him from the clan, and unlike Kiryu he doesn't even get the "Oh yumi is missing but we're looking for her!" Thing from Shinji. He just kinda, stops existing to everyone.
Also unlike Kiryu, he isn't some weirdo who just stares at the wall for ten years, I think despite it generally being very difficult and horrible he has a way of making some allies here and there, at least having friendly acquaintances kinda like Saejima in y5, he's personable and while it's not like he isn't really lonely it's definitely better than nothing. Also think he's generally smart enough to not let people know he killed Dojima bc it's rough enough already. Playing into the fact that everyone thinks he's a huge pussy (insert 10 years in the joint line here)
The first thing he does after getting out of jail natrually is trying to track down everyone important to him, it's not hard to find Reina and she is one of the few people that hasn't changed In some way, she's definitely sadder for sure, but she's still here and still cares about him. In the time away she hasn't seen Yumi at all, but the handful of times Kiryu has shown up he says she's okay. She doesn't really know much more than that but considering Nishiki is homeless and out of a job she does just kinda force him to sleep there so she can attempt to help him, Serena Hideout as usual.
Thing is Yumi isn't missing, not really, supposedly she runs a bar just outside Kamurocho, but Reina's been entirely unable to find it, Kiryu's been exactly no help, it seems like they don't talk much if at all anymore and that Yumi mostly just wants to be left alone. (Bc Kazama doesn't feel like he should hide her from Kiryu like he did with Nishiki, since she didn't accociate Kiryu with all the trauma, and thus isnt scared of him, she's just sort of left to her own devices. I like the haircut and tattoo tho so I always keep it with her) I think Yumi is just weary, she can't forgive the clan as a whole for what it did to both her, and two people she cared about, and there's alot of complicated feelings about being raised into it with no choice in the matter. Feelings I think she's always had but tried not to think about, and now she has to contend with them in some way, or she should but doesn't. Bc she's still deathly afraid, unable to fully come to terms with her parents as well as the second shooting and it was better for her health for a long time to simply pretend Nishiki didn't exist. Kind of a default now bc the last thing she remembers of him is so traumatic its sort of inadvertently triggering to think about even the good things. The only thing she is sure of is she wants none of that for her daughter and if that means she has to miss the people she cares about than that's what it means.
Everyone still speaks highly of Kiryu of course, and natrually he does have his own family. He doesn't decend into any kind of violent spiral because genuinely people look up to and respect him, Kazama wasn't stacking the deck against him either bc why would he do that to his favorite child. really the problem is everything is kind of too easy and he doesn't see a point in it. Surrounded by yes men and people who see him as something he doesn't really want to be, and it's like he doesn't have to try. Mostly I think he's depressed bc he saw what being to close to the yakuza does to innocent people so he's cut himself off from his friends outside the circle, and everyone inside the circle is the same as theyve always been, and he just doesn't see a point in it all but keeps doing it because thats what he promised he'd do. Maybe he resents Nishiki a little bit for encouraging their shared dream, maybe he just hates that everyone forgot about him, and it just feels like something is always missing. He still can't seem to handle seeing Nishiki again though, possibly ashamed or scared. Maybe he doesn't feel like he earned the right to invite him into something that wasn't built with any kind of effort. And in the end he still failed to cross that line with him and maybe he's never forgiven himself for that.
But it's not like Nishiki or really anybody knows all that. So doesn't it just seem like yet another person abounded him. And this time it's the most important one.
Kashiwagi is interesting and stuck in a tight spot himself bc of the two pseudo parental figures they have he's the one that does genuinely equally care about them. But being that he is Kazama's right hand man, if Kazama doesn't want him to have anything to do with Nishiki than there isn't much he can do. It's not like Nishiki doesn't know or understand that, and it's not like Kashiwagi doesn't try, but he can really only do so much and it still isn't a good roll of the dice for Nishikis health either.
Haruka in this is kind of fun to speculate on. Natrually being that the (kinda dumb ngl) plot point about her father being Jingu cannot really happen or rather I don't think it adds anything, that only leaves us with Dojima being her biological father, and the only real change I'd that she's a couple months older honestly, so go with that. So being that Yumi is a working, single parent who's also horribly depressed and lonely as she no longer has a support system of friends, Haruka does end up in that Weirdly Mature for her age situation where she can to some degree take care of herself and spends time wandering town bc she's bad at making friends her own age. She's met Kiryu once or twice by 2005 but doesn't remember him much, (same goes for Kashiwagi who has tried but was met with Yumi telling him to let them be for their safety, which he understood even if he wouldve liked to know Haruka better). And due to the aforementioned Trauma Shit she's just never heard of Nishiki and doesn't know who the hell he is when she happens across him. Nishiki obviously doesn't know who she is either, just that she reminds him of someone, and while he's not really thrilled about some random fucking kid following him around bc she's bored it's not like he has many options as far as friends and she's kinda funny anyway, though it doesn't look great for a convicted murderer to just kinda hang out with somr kid thats not his but Date doesn't like him at fucking all anyway and the feeling is mutual so he and Haruka just duck around the detective when he's trying to bug Nishiki. He probably just has some amount of fun with her and she won't leave him alone anyway, and he gets the sense she's kinda lonely too.
And bc I'm crazy, Majima :). I think their dynamic could be fun, mostly I think that when they don't have a mediator or they're both doing Very Bad mental health wise it's some kind of vauge self recognition through the other turned what if we did alot of coke, turned what if we just fuck and hit eachother with chairs. Majima everywhere 2! But not bc he wants to test his resolve or something but bc he finds that irritating Nishiki is really goddamn funny, and I think a part of him is really curious about why he did what he did, bc while people had speculations neither Nishiki nor Kiryu ever confirmed what exactly happened for Yumis sake. I think Majima also just finds him interesting in the 'nothing means anything" kinda way. At some point after being abandoned, snubbed, spit on, beat up, and even sort of erased out of both families he had, Nishiki reaches a similar 'I don't fucking care' scenario and Majima is an enabler, fully willing and able to help him indulge in life being pointless and nobody needing or wanting you around. But Nishiki also despretly wants to connect with someone in a genuine way and I think he's good enough at being just every so slightly manipulative and pushy in the right ways to sort of open Majima up too and that's a whole fucking thing bc Majima hates that. He's also unpredictable and does not want to be open or vulnerable in any way, so Majima also snubs him at times, blows him off or is outwardly mean. Not someone you wanna stake any bets on.
And finally as far as main characters that would play a role, there's Kazama. And boy howdy. Kazama for reasons I cannot get into now, I think feels mostly guilty when it comes to Nishiki (and to an extent Yuko) that he doesn't quite get from his other kids which definitely skews his favoritism. I think that Kiryu was so young, a baby of very young toddler, that Kazama was happy to easily mold him for a long time (until Kiryu watches him kill two people that is, bc I think that really sent some genuine doubts that he'd never had before into motion bur I digress) he Kay as well have found Kiryu on the road. And I think due to her directly witnessing the violence, Yumi cannot really remember much without panicking except that Kazama was there and she needed him. For various reasons I think there was something about Nishiki that told Kazama that he not only ruined this child's life (in my own hc about what happened very nearly killed him and yuko also) but that Nishiki still didn't need him to be successful or happy or whatever and that really rubs Kazama the wrong way, both bc he can't calm any of his guilt and bc it hurts his pride. So to him, Nishiki going away to jail and simply not existing other than a name uttered with scorn or mockery was fitting. He wouldn't say that for sure, he'd never admit that his pride and sense of usefulness was hurt, but it was. Still I think there is something in him that cares about Nishiki, despite their contrasting personalities and the more cold additude he always gave him compared to the other kids, he does to some extent love Nishiki and he doesn't really like that. Flies in the face of him being in control of everything. Nishiki comes back and he doesn't try to go out of his way to harass him at first, or make his life harder, but he doesn't really stop anyone from trying to attack him, nor does he ignore when Nishiki inadvertently gets somewhat involved in the clan drama or when he tries to find Kiryu or Yumi again. Only really speaking to him to tell him they'd be better off if he stayed away from them.
I realize this isn't much actual plot and just general Vibes of what I'm going for, as well as needless character analysis but I hope it's enjoyable anyway. I personally like it when things get really really bad for a character and then through sheer force of continuing to fight even if it seems pointless things get, just that little bit better bc they didn't give up and nobody refuses to give up completely quite like Nishiki. I can't say I didn't think of this as an excise to make Nishiki break down in tears again repeatedly but what can you I love when men cry. I'm sure I have more ideas for this but it is now. 4:30 am so! Another time! But I love fish boy I love to hurt him and then make him better.
#ant emails#yakuza#🐉🐟#tagging this as that so i can find it but also#i didnt go into it but it would be There. itit would be there...#ashen waste
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