#i am not responsible for other people
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repeating my therapists words in my head like the bike message in pokemon
#i am not responsible for other people#i am not responsible for their actions or feelings i am not in control of that#if its not in my control then i need to take a step back and accept that#tw drugs#soooooooooooo my dad picked up the op of the iods. which he was addicted to for about a decade and stopped a decade ago#like if he had gotten them when the hospital offered it to him it would be whatever yk because he has suffered burns#but he said no at the hospital and stressed that he wouldnt take that poison again#his words idk anything about them#and now that we're talking about weaning him off of his gabapentin (what hes been taking for pain)#he picks them up dawg you say youre not in pain enough to take regular old medicine anymore#i am quite so very stressed about it. our genepool is very heavy on addictions and yk my mom never stopped so i Experienced it#and of course i Experienced it as a child but i dont remember any of my childhood#but i would really rather my father not get addicted to them again i think that would be really quite terrible#i confronted him about it and he said he was just going to keep them as a backup just in case#like ofc i dont want my dad to be in pain. but he cant just say hes feeling really good and then pick them up#because that sets off the “he just wants to use them for Using them” alarm in my head#but i am not in control of him i cant control his actions i tried my best and now whatever happens happens i guess#trying very hard not to freak out very hard right now (everything in my body wants to have a cheeky panic attack and/or spiral)#have no close friends/friends i feel like i can just vent to for freesies is kind of a nightmare#i miss my Friends i miss my Friends i wish i could tell them my situation and just feel like i am Supported and Cared For#being lonely is all fun and games until bad things are happening in your life and you have no one to distract you or help you
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Clear as mud! But I expect nothing less from a Homestuck 🫡
#this is a fine and perfectly reasonable way to have ordered groups of nine relate to each other :)#this took me way too long to make and i know people are gonna come into my notes and tell me what i got wrong#which is fine lol there are many smart folks here#i am not budging on Anastasia being responsible for the 'reconstruction' step though. TWICE in GTN the Ninth is linked to reconstruction#and i think the fifth preserves the spirit (step 1).#perfunctory image id in alt text#the locked tomb#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#nona the ninth#the locked tomb spoilers#nonasbirthday#enumeration in the locked tomb
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it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
#writeblr#warm up#i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books#(just started book 4)#and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!!#(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. )#anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild#but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild???#so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning#and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct#i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers#i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page.#here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once#it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because#when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area.#i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that#a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN#who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends#i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!
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Reblog this to tell whoever you reblogged it from that you're proud of them.
#i am so burnt out#school is killing me#yes i seek validation from strangers on the internet#yes it is a trauma response#yes my trauma is self induced from my neurodivergence#yes i am undiagnosed#yes it is genetic and other people in my family have it#yes my neurodivergence is constantly overlooked#yes my grades just went up but im still not on the honor roll and technically failing#*but fuck i am trying here*#anyway#not to trauma dump or anything besties#i want validation pls
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"UWU op defends Israel UWU"-
Have I not made it clear enough what I think of the Israeli government? Have I not made it clear enough that what infuriates me the MOST about all of this shit going on is that neither government gives a damn and civilians will CONTINUE to die because Hamas and Netanyahu are cranking that war machine for their own benefit? Have I not made it clear that I think what the Israeli government is doing is fucking horrific, a war crime, murder, a violation of human rights?
Why do I even need to MAKE that clear? Why is it that you can talk about LITERALLY anything else, any other country, and people don't rush to fucking accuse you of personally supporting the government when you discuss the wrongs committed against a people, but the SECOND you're a Jew you have to justify your stance about Israel?
Why is it that I cannot even be angry about the slaughter of MY FUCKING PEOPLE. Innocents. Civilians. Fucking CHILDREN. The slaughter of the Palestinian people. Innocents. Civilians. FUCKING CHILDREN.
Without one of you absolute fucking monsters deciding to slap some shit on an unrelated post about how "uwu op defends an apartheid state just ignore that"? Do you have to make it part of EVERYTHING I do? Do you consider everything I put out there tainted somehow because I don't support your joy, your cheering, your unrestrained GLEE at the murder of Jews? Do I need to publish a fucking thesis on my stance on Israel, Palestine, and their respective governments like a fucking disclaimer any time I want to talk about myself, my oppression, my experience as a Jew, or a disabled person, or a queer person, because you fuckers cannot for five seconds be NORMAL about Jews?
To decide to slap something about Israel and Palestine on a post I made about MY oppression, about how people will oppress you no matter who you actually are- it all depends who they think you are. It's a bit ironic, isn't it? Doesn't QUITE fit, but it's funny that someone would read that post, agree with it, and then think "Ah yes, THIS is the place to put some tags about how OP, a Jew who has been reeling for the last couple of weeks about the violence, who has been checking on their Israeli friends every day to make sure they aren't fucking dead, who is dealing with vicious antisemitism from people who they thought were friends, who watched as the people claiming to be progressive supporters of human rights on this hellsite and others OVERWHELMINGLY reply to the murder of their people with good they deserved it fuck you, is CLEARLY a defender of an apartheid state and that makes them a bad person because something something I don't know what nuance tastes like and I am a bigoted ass."
I am TIRED.
#antisemitism#i/p#seriously I am exhausted#fuck all of you#I can count on my hands how many people have actually been supportive and kind to me#I have LOST count of how many people#both online and IRL#have either been dismissive and cold#or outright HAPPY that Jews died and will continue to die#I have lost count of how many people here I thought were decent human beings#who I had to block because they responded with a resounding GOOD to what hamas did#and now you fucking antisemitic fucks are dragging this shit onto unrelated posts#and that's nothing NEW you've always been like this#but it is especially exhausting now#the fact that this shit is coming from like#other Americans too?#are you fucking KIDDING ME?#You LIVE here and you don't control everything the fucking government does#but oh every Israeli civilian is responsible and they deserve to be killed#just call me a kike and go instead of doing that shit#at least the Nazis are direct about how much they want me dead#although frankly I'm having trouble telling the difference these days#between you leftist fucks and the Nazis
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The whole “be responsible not for other people’s feelings but to them” distinction is so so true… at some point you need to realize that other people’s insecurities really are their responsibility & dimming or contorting yourself to make them feel better helps neither you nor them. Firstly, bc they need to realize what they’re doing and grow up. And secondly, bc you’re not just compromising on a one-time thing. You’re comprising on who you are as a person. I don’t want to look back when I’m older and stay stuck wishing I held my ground despite people’s projections or asserted my presence more or didn’t apologize so much for who I am. I really just want to own everything (the good and bad) & continue doing what makes me happy
#This is something to bring up to the therapist for sure bc im not perfect on this yet#and i think that’s also another thing im learning to be less hard on myself for — just realizing im 21 and that having insecurities or weak#Spots still is literally okay. Making mistakes is okay. I beat myself up for this too much#I am not a horrible person for being young & learning how to live & no one will make me feel otherwise#This goes in the other direction too in the sense that I need to stop being apologetic of my accomplishments for fear of#Triggering other people’s insecurities. That is not and nor will it ever be my responsibility#I’m always going to be graceful w other people’s emotions but I’m no longer going to overcompensate bc it helps no one#And is not a marker of love for me to do so
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Hhhh bnha 419… Deku has given this fight everything he has. What happens next is literally out of his hands.
#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#bnha leaks#bnha 419#rambling followed by a tldr:#I’m sure he’ll get them back#either Eri rewinds him or Shigaraki unlocks the record struction part of his quirk which I saw some people theorizing#but yeah. Deku has faught physically as much as he possibly can. he has transferred all of OFA to Shigaraki and attampted to connect#with his mind. the boy once entrusted with the responsibility to destroy AFO now has to rely on others to finish this battle for him#unless the leaks are fake in which case carry on as usual#bc I also have gripes with him losing his arms#theres a lot of arm/hand imagery and symbolism in bnha#the all night I Am Here fist in the air#Katsuki’s whole hand holding thing#the recent thing about relief in reaching out to someone in need and them taking your hand#ffs the last few chapters Deku literally had to plow through shigaraki’s mutant finger chiton to get to his core.#his early recklessness resulting in permanent scarring and deformity in his hands as a reminder fight smarter not harder#and to adapt and be his own kind of hero and not keep trying to be an all might copy#I’m rambling but yeah. hands. losing them means losing some important symbolism but losing is also its own symbolism yknow?#TLDR#he’s gotta trust his fellow heroes to step in where he can’t but also if he doesn’t get to do a classic all might pose after all this istg#needs to accept he did everything in his power but also if he and Katsuki don’t finally take each others hands after this ISTG
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it's also telling how whenever there's talk about diversity in the balkans from a western point of view nobody ever gives a shit about the roma and the persecution they face because that would require the west to adopt a slightly diferent worldview when talking about racism and discrimination but like. what did i expect
#this is not me trying to remove responsibility for the antiromani crimes and sentiment that is wide spread in the balkans it's just interest#ing to me how they're simply never included in these types of conversations same as with any other minority groups especialy in eastern euro#pe but also i don't want to talk too much about this because i am not romani and if you wanna know more about this you should seek out their#organizations cause they do a lot in terms of educating people and trying to better the living conditions of roma communities#ura.txt
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i know you say you’re sorry & that you’re changed now, but i can’t
#weirdcore#dreamcore#dereality#unreality#my edit#unorcadox#liminal#liminal spaces#nostalgiacore#y2kcore#old web#tbt#remakes#gif#this one is like half a response to the base edit but also half directed outwards at other people#i wanted to make an edit where the background warped and changed but the text is steadfast#like standing strong in the face of uncertainty#also a couple edits recently have started with 'i know' like i sure am knowing as of late huh#uo vent
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if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:
don't ❤️
#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!!#popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends#and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it#like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y''#or ''why is fic c even in this poll?''#nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular''#a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3#anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around#and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!!#because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!!#so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers#but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing#and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore#cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST#or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something#don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it#and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses#but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough#ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it#(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related)#gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today#cass says things#fandom problems#wank adjacent
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moodboard for this past week ❤️
#they should invent a grad school thats not fucking insane#i'm hanging in there but im the most unwell i've been in AWhile#this week was just horrible#there was already the freezer food incident but it also started off with a very severe pain episode thats putting me in constant woe#even mundane motion has been agonizing which is McAwesome bc we had a lab inspection which involved moving hundreds of pounds of equipment#during which we found a blackwidow and rats which we had to deal with and was a whole thing psychologically on top of the physical toll#the new class fiasco is still popping off and i had to respond to at this point over 400 emails in the fleeting moments outside of lab#AND A STUDENT TRIED TO FINANCIALLY BRIBE THEIR WAY INTO THE CLASS ? ?? ?? ?????#then the instructor wanted to use me as a guinea pig and i had to test new circuit boards but I wasnt given any time to do so properly#i had to test them plus get them operational and deal with my incoming students all in a frantic 10 minute window#im in charge of running our meetings too but the instructor was interrupting and having side conversations that made it really hard-#to train the other people on the new equipment in a smooth manner#which meant that a bunch of people had to keep me after to ask questions which made me late for my drs appointment#where i found out i cant get the new covid vaccine bc my heart and blood levels arnt stable enough#and joanns lost an expensive+critical fabric order of mine+i had to give a big presentation this week on my research that was stressful#and my inbox is still blowing up from being needed all over the place between teaching lab and classes and yall i am. so so tired.#im in so much pain and so stressed out#debating the ethics of turning into a pile of lint to escape my responsibilities and mortal frame
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beloved nemesises.
#ballister looks so wet#with his (sidekick's?) Pepe Silva wall and his puss in boots eyes#ambrosius thinks I'm a murderer???#I hope this movie is as big on tumblr as it deserves to be#I mean I hope it gets global recognition#but this is the gay childhood bffs and rivals are now enemies who love each other movie#tumblr!!!!!#come on#lol ok it's actually the blackheart and nimona movie but honestly that's better?#sometimes we live unexpected lives!#i am too sick to really get to the heart of what I love about nimona#something about the possibilities of change#what it means to love someone vs what it means to be responsible for them#the project of being a decent person who is good to the people around you#also the art is so much fun#it sparks joy
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POST THE DOUBKE PARALLELS PLSPLSPLS
HNGH OKAY SO,
First of all just some General Visual Parallels (ones that while I don't have any particular Thoughts or Deep Analysis on they're Neat :) (also they fit more into the overarching smoking trio parallels since Kazui has a matching one too) I'm sorry Kazui my blog is so biased orz)
Mfs when they hold the left side of their face while forcing out a pained smile (Although with Mikoto it's just his general lying/trying to brush off his own suffering while with Shidou we're looking at him at his most painfully honest) ((Also they both have phone calls in their songs which I think is Great))
Cool eye shots :) (Am I the only one who thinks Mikoto's eyes are very pretty :sob: ((Also now the entire smoking trio has one of these close up eye shots, I also love that Mikoto and Orekoto both get individual shots nobody gets left out (Ignoring the fact that they Disbanded)))
Okay but time for. My Actual Shitty Parallels Analysis bear with me guys here this is gonna get Messy,
Idk if I talked about this Before but Shidou and John (I'm sorry guys I Need to adjust to it I'm gonna call him John here) are both obviously extremely tied to their "purpose" of protecting people, specifically their loved ones (Shidou's Family/Mikoto). However they obviously go at it very Differently, John's method Is harmful (violence/killing) while Shidou's is supposed to be the complete Opposite (treating/healing).
There's also something interesting about their victims. I can't say for sure from Double if Multiple people were Actually murdered, but it seems to be portrayed that way by John at least; he and Shidou both portray themselves as having multiple victims, and they're also portrayed completely differently than their loved ones (Flowers/Tags, Mannequins, they're not entirely portrayed as people and have little to no identity, their lives were set aside to protect/save the ones they cared about)
(The environment in Shidou's MV is also very sterile and clean looking while John's is covered in blood. They're both surrounded by their representations of the lives they took)
From what we've seen this purpose is currently what basically makes or breaks their will/reason to live, these people are their entire worlds, if they can't even save the ones they care about they may as well have nothing, and what happened with that purpose of protecting?
Well. They failed.
Shidou's fails to protect/save his family and John fails to protect/save Mikoto, and their arcs with how they go Forward with this failure completely Kills Me
I fucking. Hrmghsdflbds these shots at the ends of their respective mvs are the shots that pretty much prompted this post. Shidou reaches out and, despite his failures, tries to push past his self-hatred and resolves to continue living and protecting others. Meanwhile, John closes in on himself with renewed self-hatred, and decides that it would be better off if he disappeared/went dormant.
Just. Aheem aheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem
GOD, GOD (while the shots themselves don't exactly parallel, the lyrics. Oh The Lyrics)
"So hey, prolong my life" / "If only I were never born, if only"
"I'm Dispensable" / "I'm So Sorry"
Minus the "Why, why" in Double, these are the Last Two Lines for both of their songs and,
I'M GONNA HIT SOMETHING,
We see John with the most Openly Distressed expression we've seen on him meanwhile Shidou has almost Cold Resolve
Shidou and John's arcs are going in completely opposite directions and that Breaks my Fucking Heart Man oh my God get me Out of here Get Me Out (I hope these shots also helps articulate that parallel I tried to make earlier about the different ways they go at protecting people? Shidou puts on new white, clean gloves meanwhile John's hands are completely coated in blood and just. Man,).
Just. Yeah. Yeah,
Pain
God I hope this makes sense to Someone I'm going Insane
Most miserable guys ever I love them so much </333
#milgram#milgram project#mikoto kayano#shidou kirisaki#0509#0905#0509 ramblings#admittedly i'm very apprehensive about posting this to the main tags#while all the Real theories are rolling in and stuff#i'm kinda worried about people looking at me like i'm Insane and like Yeah I Am but also orz orz#praying this stays with my audience you guys see the Vision Right#they make me So Ill i'm gonna Throw Something Goddddddd#guys pleaseplaspelape if you have thoughts or a response to this Let Me Know we Need to feed each other Thoughts me thinks
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Loving that the general feeling my Bonzo art is getting is “man that’s fucking gross good job!” but I also feel like I need to apologize every time someone reblogs it cus I willingly put that into a shareable format and to my horror, people are sharing it.
#stop ignoring your responsibilities erik#mr bonzo#tma#tmagp#tmagp 12#the magnus pod#the magnus protocol#look I’m happy people are enjoying the art#I really am#I’m just disgusted enough by my own work that I feel bad when others see it
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So, so many queer people, I've noticed, can put themselves in precarious situations wherein they feel accepted by people and the queer person would do anything for those who accept them, even if it is harmful to them, even if it is scary. It feels like you are indebted to those who accept you because you know that isn't the case for every person you meet. To so many queer people, they are afraid to upset others who accept them (or "accept" them) because they are so scared of rejection. This is completely human and completely normal. But that doesn't mean you deserve to be taken advantage of. You deserve to be treated as an equal because you inherently are an equal - to everybody.
Please know that the people who truly, truly respect and care for you will understand when you can't do everything. They will still respect you, because you are a human being. Saying "no" is neutral at worst. You deserve to honour yourself, too.
#queer#lgbt#lgbtq#i felt this (and feel this) so hard as a trans person and i think that can easily become dangerous...#...because saying 'no' is vital i think. it's something i am so bad at in part because of my queerness and not feeling accepted by it...#...and yes we are responsible for this part of ourselves but also... it does make you vulnerable#genuine support is very important but that isn't the same as being indebted to people for being accepting you know?#i just worry for other queer people who also feel this way and i just want us all to feel more confident in our place and what we deserve...#...because we deserve good things! we deserve to let others down without worrying that we are terrible awful people who won't be accepted
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I love when I am unhealthily obsessed with a blorbo and it’s clear that my friends and family don’t quite, fully get it. Not because they don’t understand hyperfixation. They have their own versions of it. It’s just that they don’t quite get my specific choice of hyperfixation.
They are happy for me? Yes. Are they maybe slightly worried? Also yes.
#it’s funny tho because even people who share the blorbo will sometimes not relate to the same level of obsession#i always end up finding like…maybe one or two other people that are as unhinged as me#this happens so much#it’s funny#anyway just random thoughts inspired by a text convo with my sibling#the responses i get at this point are like the equivalent to “damn that’s crazy haha”#fhfgdgdh#yes i know i am unwell you can say it#random ramblings#life stuff#CrowNotes
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