#i miss my Friends i miss my Friends i wish i could tell them my situation and just feel like i am Supported and Cared For
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espresso
lando norris x reader
dets: an international pop star and a f1 driver could never be secretly dating right? right?
authors note: this is kinda chaotic but its been still in my drafts since that damn espresso song came out, how is it so good?
faceclaim: sabrina carpenter
yourusername
liked by ynfan1 and others
yourusername me laughing at all y'all trying to figure out who my hot songs are about LOOLLLLLL you'll know when I want you to know MWAH xx
melbourne tonight :)))
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ynfan1 you are so unhinged I LOVE
charli_xcx just tell them its me !
yourusername you're right sorry wifey xx
ynfan2 wait are they still around??
ynfanupdates wait whats happening in melbourne tonight ???
ynfan3 she's so secretive, I didn't even know she was dating anyone
landonorris
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landonorris tralia mate
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danielricciardo looking fresh mate
landonorris thanks babe xx
f1fan1 landos longest relationship right here
f1fan2 bahahah for real man is chronically single
oscarpiastri 👍👍
f1fan1 best of luck this weekend !
yourusername just posted to their close friends!
[caption: baby just had a great weekend at the office <3]
replies:
maxfewtrell disgustingly sweet
↳ jealousy is a disease, better get checked out xx
alexalbon ugh you two make me sick
↳ oh yeah and yourself and lily aren't worse 😐
yourusername
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yourusername missing tour hours, should we do it again??
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ynfan1 PLEASE COME BACK
oliviarodrigo you never rest queen
yourusername lol duty calls
ynfan1 huh? hasn't she been off for ages ?
ynfan3 singers can have other responsibilities you do know that right
ynfan2 I just want to know who you're dating..
ynfanupdates
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ynfanupdates yourusername out in monaco tonight !
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ynfan1 huh wonder what has her in monaco? she's there alot recently
ynfan2 looooveee the orange
landofan1
liked by landoupdates and others
landofan1 firstly tell how is a man so hot?? also look at how much he's vibing to yourusername's feather remix??
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landofan1 I could take him (not in a fight)
ynfan1 he is just like me fr
f1fan1 no WAY whats he doing playing yn? 👀
ynfan1 I mean she is one of the biggest pop singers in the world rn
f1fan1 orrrrrrrr
ynfan2 haha you wish
yourusername oooh whos he ?
landofan1 bahaahahha girl, you are everything I want my popstars to be
yourusername
liked by chapellroan and others
yourusername pookie is away (again) so heres some pics of me looking hot for pookie, and pookie only <3
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ynfan1 what boyfriend would ever leave you??
yourusername I know right?? poor me !
chapellroan need a sub ?
yourusername I don't know what you're abbreviating but yes. yes please.
reneerapp god DAMN
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f1fan1 hmmmmmmhmmm away? and theres a grand prix this weekend
lando.jpg
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lando.jpg returning the favour x Race weekend was gud
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landofan1 people died.
oscarpiastri such a poser
lando.jpg my lady loves it 🤷
landofan1 IS HE IN A RELATIONSHIP
landofan2 since when wtf
f1fan1 I don't even care how delusional I am, he'd be so hot for yourusername
ynfan1 Ikr but they don't even follow each other :((
yourusername just posted to their story!
[caption: pookie has returned <3]
replies:
landonorris I don't know how I feel about pookie...
↳ but POOKIE I love it (and you)
↳ landonorris ugh okay fine (love you too)
charli_xcx this soft launch is mean, and I know who it is
↳ hehehhe lol its SO fun tho
f1fan1 is that papaya ?
yourusername just followed landonorris!
landonorris just followed yourusername!
yourusername
liked by landonorris
yourusername need a pick me up ?
Espresso 4/11 @ 8pm ET,
Music Video 4/12 @ 10:00am ET
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ynfan1 woooo queen is back
ynfan2 LOVE the vibe of this
landofan1 is that the JOLLY ???
landofan2 do we think lando is in the video?? cause thats defo him!
landonorris uber rating ?
yourusername 4 stars out of 5 ! missing star is because you kept making me laugh during filming
landonorris always knew being so funny was a double edged sword.
georgerussell sorry just confirming, do you think YOU are the funny one?
ynfan1 what a random friendship, but so cute
f1fan1 finally followed each other, my delusions don't feel so crazy
landofan1 I would loveee if they became friends
landonorris just added to their close friends!
[caption: we just hard launched via music video and people are thinking FRIEnDshIP ?]
replies:
yourusername babyyyy they're so stupid
↳ told you it's crazy you're dating me..
↳ yourusername UGH no enough of that
danielricardio the landonorizz lore is to deep I'm afraid..
lilyme cons of dating a hottie
yourusername
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yourusername guys this is my POOKIE! I just hardlaunched my muse, y'all should be blessed !
(last pic is not mine but like look at how he looks at me teehee...)
tagged: landonorris
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landonorris love of my life fuck
ynfan1 damn y'all are in love love aren't you
fan1 this is crazy to me lando and THE pop it girl??
yourusername me and THE lando norris who is a professional hottie and my pookie xx
landofan1 ugh im obsessed with you two
ynfan1 you're telling me you've been dating another celebrity for at least 3 years and we've seen ZERO pap pics?
f1fan1 for real tho we would've seen her at a grand prix, theres thousands of cameras
landofan1 yeah seems suss
yourusername ugh guys !!! why are you making me spell everything out for you
landonorris time to cook darling
mclaren finally the parents are insta official
yourusername get hyped to see me at a gp wigless xxx
ynfan1 you wear wigs??
yourusername have you worn wigs??
landonorris will you wear wigs???
ynfan1 omfg I get it now
landonorris
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landonorris meet my three year pr relationship x
tagged: yourusername
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yourusername yes sorry guys the warming climate is all our fault !! just so fucking hot we cant help it eek
oscarpiastri you two are so unbearable already please go back to being a secret
landonorris after 3 years of norizz jokes, I thinkkkk no !
landofan1 THREE yEaRs ???
mclaren wearing papaya off season? oh shes a keeper
ynfan1 heheh admin gets it
danielricciardo rip norizz it was fun while it lasted..
landonorris fun for WHO??
[finished]
hehe im working lateeee, cause I procrastinated doing assignments all day xx
#lando norris#lando norris imagine#lando norris x reader#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#lando norris fanfic#smau
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pining from a glided cage - sunday x reader
he watches you with a dull ache in his chest and handcuffs to duty - unrequited love on sunday's part
wc: 808
a/n talks: soft sunday w/angst :D got the idea from @eternity-death and i vibed with it a lot. also i'm proud of my first tag (please say yes)
Penacony can only be called the land of dreams, for the sole reason that it is in ones dreams. It will never be the land of fulfilled dreams, never the land where wishes come to fruition. Because even as life slumbers, nightmares run amok and bitter pieces of reality infest dreams, leaving the conscious person choking and gasping for breath.
But Sunday cannot awaken from the dream, so he is left watching you with an impassive face and hidden heart pains from a glided view. He loves you. He cannot say the words that dare to burst from his traitorous lips, nor can he express the sweet pains that reside in his chest. He is an administrator, the head of the Oak family, and he is bound by decorum, order, and the rules imposed upon him by the Dreammaster. He lacks control, so he craves it in everything he can hold in the palm of his insignificant hand. He is bound to Penacony, and he realizes that Robin, his dear sister, spoke uncomfortably bitter truth.
"Brother, I am leaving Penacony. A lavish yet empty cage that I have to leave, but I will miss it nevertheless. I hope you make it out of there, or at the very least, walk in reality."
But he cannot bear to leave Penacony, not when so much is expected of him as the head, not when the Dreammaster oversees almost every move of his, not when you reside in the place he can only call a home because of you.
For if you were no longer in Penacony, he would have nothing joyous holding him back. He would languish apathetically for all the Golden Hours, unable to pursue his dreams. So he makes sure to cherish the moments he has with you, knowing that you could leave at any moment like Robin did.
(he'll hold onto you with a tight desperate grip that he knows is unacceptable. he doesn't want to lose anyone else that's important to him. and even though robin is still alive, she is too far away and the presence of her letters only tears his heart up more.)
So whenever you visit him, bringing sweet treats that you know he'll like, talking about parts of your life, Sunday will listen. He always listens with that soft gaze that could almost make you believe that he is in love with you. He is, but that is a point you'll never acknowledge or realize. Sunday knows that, he can tell when you talk about someone you are clearly enamored with.
He's listened to you for a long enough time that he knows your tells. So when you talk about someone else that isn't him in a romantic light, he freezes. His smile becomes a little more forced, and he closes his eyes to hide the uncomfortable emotions that are swirling in them. In those moments, he misses you. Even though you are right in front of him, he aches for the old you and for Robin. You three would just run throughout the Dreamscape with no worries as children. He misses you even though you're right in front of him. He aches to reach out for your face and kiss your forehead gently.
But he can't, he has to restrain himself from any action that could be misconstrued as affectionate. He cannot do anything but drown in his emotions because that is what the Dreammaster ordered of him. The Dreammaster disapproves of him acting on his feelings because he must 'act accordingly' and 'not be distracted from his duties'. It's suffocating that he cannot reach out for your hand or your kind touch.
(he just craves you. he craves your presence and smile. he'd never have either of the two if you weren't close friends, but the proximity to you just makes his heart ache even more. he lets you touch his wings, even though he knows you only love him as a friend. he lets you, enjoys it even, with you play with his hair, commenting on how soft it is. he wishes that it was because you truly did love him, but it's just how you are, naturally affectionate. so he feigns the neutrality of a long term friend.)
So he smiles whenever you met up. His eyes always light up when you bring new sweet treats and you always laugh at his expression good-naturedly. It's a comfortable relationship that the two of you have, and when night falls, he'll always wish for your happiness.
(he just wishes that you'll never fall in love with anyone but him. he wishes that you won't fall in love with him because he cannot love you back and he doesn't want to reject you.)
Just like Robin, you are a star that he revolves around, never getting closer or further away.
#i hope i emotionally devastated you#hsr sunday x reader#sunday x reader#hsr x reader#sunday#hsr sunday#honkai star rail#hsr#unrequited love#light angst
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Much to Learn
Maddie has Phantom cornered. He's not getting away from her this time.
{Irma} Maddie overhears something she shouldn't, and it makes her rethink everything (reveal gone right) [ghost]
Read also on AO3
[Warning for mentions of violence/dissection]
She had him. Maddie had that spook cornered, and there was no way he could escape, at least not without being seen. Jack was covering the other exit, but she knew she had him. Phantom was hers.
"That was too close," she heard Phantom's voice around the corner.
He had no idea, she thought, raising her ecto-gun, ready to take him down.
"No kidding," a girl's voice replied.
Maddie froze. Was he talking to someone? Her voice sounded kind of familiar. Was she in danger.
"My parents almost had me that time," Phantom replied. "Thank the Ancients I gave them the slip, or it would have been hello scalpel."
"You got Klemper, right?" a boy's voice asked.
So Phantom had two captives... or... perhaps allies, the way they were talking. But what had he meant about his parents? Were they still alive?
"Asked him for his best soup impression," Phantom replied with a chuckle. "You know, I don't actually mind if they want to have fun and goof off, and it's great for them that they don't have to worry about consequences in the Ghost Zone, I just wish they could wrap their heads around the fact that here in the real world, people can still get badly hurt. Like, some of us are mortal, buddy."
"And Klemper plays pretty rough, so it's no wonder he doesn't have any friends," the girl replied.
"Yeah, no kidding," the other boy's voice agreed.
They didn't sound like captives, Maddie determined. They definitely didn't sound like ghosts, either.
"Alright, if my parents had followed me, I'm sure they would've burst in guns blazing by now," Phantom said. "I think I'm in the clear."
There was a flash of light and a sort of whirring sound.
The next voice Maddie heard wasn't Phantom's... it was Danny's.
"Guess I'm not gonna get dissected tonight," he said, like it was some kind of big accomplishment. "Good thing, too because I have a huge English assignment due soon that I haven't even started on. I definitely don't have time for my parents to cut me open."
"You sound awful cheery," the girl noted, and suddenly, Maddie could place the voice. It was Danny's friend Sam.
"Well, you know, you gotta celebrate the small victories, right?" Danny replied. "That's what Jazz is always telling me, anyway."
"Morbid victories," scoffed the other boy—Tucker, she finally recognized.
When Maddie had cornered Phantom and his allies, she'd actually... or rather, she'd also cornered Danny and his friends. Because they were the same people.
Her son was Phantom.
Oh, god, what had she done?
"Come on, guys, let's get out of here," Danny said, and Maddie could hear him and his friends walking toward the door where she was lying in wait.
She wanted to run so she could have time to properly process her thoughts and the new information, but she was rooted to the spot, her brain racing at a mile a minute. Danny was a ghost? How? When? God, she had shot at him.
He was coming her way. He was almost to the door. She wanted to run, but she still couldn't move.
He walked through, and jumped when he saw her, back against the wall, ecto-gun still raised and in-hand.
"Mom," he said, sounding mildly alarmed. "Uh... how long have you been standing there?"
"You're Phantom," she said. The words just spilled from her lips, and she was helpless to stop them.
She didn't miss the way Danny's muscles all tensed up at once and he eyed the gun still in her hand.
"What?" he asked.
Her eyes widened and she dropped her ecto-gun to the floor as if it had bitten her. Oh god, he was afraid of her. Her own son was afraid of her. What kind of mother had she been? What had she been doing?
She threw herself at him, and wrapped him up in a hug. "Oh, Danny, I'm so sorry!"
"Uh...." She could feel the hesitation in his movements as he hugged her back, and it brought tears to her eyes. "It's... it's okay, Mom. You didn't know."
"No, I didn't know, but it's not okay," she insisted. "Ignorance is never an excuse. I tried to hurt you!"
"But you didn't," he said. "Mom, I'm fine. It's okay. I forgive you."
"I've been a fool," she said, reluctantly pulling away from the hug so she could look him in the eye and cup the side of his face, gently, like a mother should. "I only heard a minute of conversation, but it's obvious you know about ghost. You probably—no, you definitely know more than I do. Maybe you can fill in some of the gaps in our research."
"If it means you won't have to dissect anybody, I'd be happy to help."
Maddie cringed, but once she got past the barb, it sounded nice. A little mother-son scientific research and bonding was just what she needed to get to know her son again. He'd been so distant lately, and now... well, now she knew why. And now that she knew, she could start to pull him closer again, learn the kind of man he was growing into when he wasn't too busy avoiding her.
"That sounds wonderful, Danny," she said. "I'm sure I have so much to learn."
#danny phantom#dp#danny fenton#maddie fenton#reveal fic#reveal gone right#good fenton parents#fic#things i wrote#phic phight#phic phight 24#ficlet
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on the way back from the gym i saw two teenage girls on scooters in the middle of the road & they kept crossing each other & interlocking their feet & they looked like they were having so much fun i hope they have the best summer of their life
#it did make me fucking miserable bc i lost all my teenage years to crippling mental illness + being closeted so i never got to experience#that feeling of freedom. or at least i cant remember & i cant help but feel like something was stolen from me#i wish i could grab 13 year old dante by the shoulders & tell them to please please please make the most out of it#i know it feels like the world is going to end every single day but theres so many beautiful things to experience#& one day you will be 25 & you will miss yr friends & ask yourself why you wasted so much time#i know its not your fault you were just trying to survive & you did do beautiful things!!! but God#dante.txt
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realizing how much physical affection means to me literally. like i always get that as my #1 love language for every fun test i do but oh my god they're right. i don't get enough physical affection or i don't get people saying they're giving me physical affection when they can't and suddenly i'm staying up that everyone hates me
#logically i understand my best friend loves me but oh my god. we haven't hugged in a week. what if he never cares to see me again#or like . i understand my guy probably likes me but haven't been told i'm getting affection in a while . my affection has been rejected. .#so . ugh. just need a fucking hug dude#i wanna ask my friend for niceys rn but it's 3 am so she's probably asleep and also . :( what if he doesn't like me#(<- guy who's been friends with it for years)#like . i wish i could tell someone like “hey give them reassurance rn” without.... asking for that#like i'd post “need someone to be niceys to me rn” because that's usually the most i can do to communicate that but he rarely is on tumblr#and what? do i send this post to my friend? no wtf#this happens with like. everyone close to me btw. i just care a lot about my best friend#so just. ugh. gonna try and sleep now. i'm getting a hug from him tomorrow#i really hope he plans something with me...i think that's all i need reassurance wise#i don't plan shit with people because what if they don't wanna be around me? but when ppl plan shit with me? YEAH . <3#godddddd#🤞 please invite me to something soon i miss you and i feel like you hate me for no reason but that i'm sad always
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idk how many folks'll see this but I'm gotta ask
do y'all know of any rdr fics about like, when they took John in and basically like kid!John and Arthur palling around????
I kinda wanna write something but I figured I would see what's out there that could scratch my itch... I don't usually read gen fic (on account of I'm a disgusting pervert) but kid John is super healing of my inner child lol
also I wanna write a trucker au too kinda??? Morstom trucker au where John is a slutty lil hitch hiker who pays for gas in blowjobs and is hitchin it cross country cuz he's goin back to his baby mama after running out on her a year ago...
#read dead redemption#maybe more about trucker morston in a follow up post#send asks if u want#im just laying here in bed cuz its fuckin 33C outside and my AC is in my room#that's right fellers i got ac now!!#not bad for a down on his luck no good crybaby what used to beg for kofi donations just to scrape by!!#tomorrow too is my first day of practicum for my new position at my job and im so excited#i miss the bdm gang i wish i could tell them#I WANT WHAT WE USED TO HAVE#I miss my loyal gang of miscreants#idk how to make friends online no more#rdr2
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so guys um. really fun update as a result of me once again being really good at understanding and responding to social situations. im pretty sure the friend im seeing is convinced we r like in a relationship or About to be and im just now realizing the extent of that and how quickly im slamming the brakes/going to attempt for smth more casual. um.. girl help
#soooo once again i hate gay people#abby talks#KIDDING. obvi. but um. some reflection has certainly been interesting.#like things got so intense so fast. why were they like telling people including a PROFESSOR about us going out on a single date#and when it initially happened i was just like well... idk shrug. and. yeah just all very fast#i think they had or have developed a serious crush which is like sweet and theyre still very sweet. its just very intense#like the amount they texted when i just didnt answer overnight....#OH MY GOD and i forgot when i split from my friends last night im like 80% sure they were on campus#and tried to like hide their face. like... why. it doesnt have to be this odd huh???#just cause i wasnt rlly answering while i was out?#idk. idk!#anyway im going to be very kind and respectful when we have this conversation but. yeah. nervy#wish i could do it over text but i dont think that's right idk... also we have so many mutual friends and just circles#i really dont need it to get weird. and it really really doesnt have to be yk. im hoping theyre chill and obv i dont want to hurt them#ok yeah doesnt help to stress so much over it. it's just creeping up on me the signs i sorta missed#thinking they also were open to smth casual. well i suppose really long dates and my general nerves abt trying to date again didnt help#oh my god when they said they missed my face after not hanging out for like. a day. and i was just like haha cool#not literally but LOL
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I just think it would be fun to make Raven Beak smooch Samus' other dads.
#adam malkovich#raven beak#chozo#the spirit of Grey Voice watches her zoom off to ZDR and he's like “oh... i haven't seen him since nineteen odd-seven...”#“we kind of left things off on a sour note. i wish i'd had an opportunity to let him know how much our blood-bond meant to me”#and then later he's like “ohhh I *really* should have made more of an effort to maintain that bond huh”#Adam reads the details of her mission and he says “oh. we're going to ZDR huh.”#“yeah. ring any bells?”#“you see Samus. not long after i made rank i had a... very special friend. that occasionally mentioned a planet of this description"#at the end of the road she makes a break for it as the planet dies and Adam says “so... did you by any chance come to meet one Raven Beak”#“yeah he got got by the X.” “damn.”#“did you at least get to see him before the end?” “yeah he was apparently one of my genetic contributors” “he WHAT”#“No that can't be true. tell me you're kidding.” “I'm not joshing you.“ ”Samus.“ ”Yeah?“ “You're never gonna believe this.” “Spit it out.”#“I fucked your dad”#time is a circle and her web of relationships is a big scribbled mess. the eternal comedy. the universe really is small.#missed connections here and there#he just weeps softly in binary.#adambeak#not serious about shipping. but if i see two old people and decide someone could write something fun with them i slap them together#adam is not “old”. but dealing with Samus probably took a decade off his lifespan so he counts by extension#this pairing is based off of how Adam hypes Raven Beak up throughout the duration of the video game.#I know [spoilers]. but it's fun this way.#someone had to put them in the same room.
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its been really hard lately
#i miss my ex best friend. i dont ever cry and i cried again tonight#i wishb i knew what to do to fix everything because now i know how to act. this all changed me for the better ibe stopped doing so many#bad thinfs since than. but the pain is still here :(#negative /#delete later#im so lonely because i have friends bur i dont feel like i have any connections or anyone who either has the time to talk to me#enough or that i really want to talk to anymore. i just feel like everyones living rheir adult lives and are too busy and im still stuck in#no one i know doesnt work or doesnt go to school but me i just feel like im alone in the universe again snd wasting my life#when i had him i didnt feel like yhay i felt like i wasnr just a nothing loser. but i chose to give it up because of my selfish#impulsive choices. i wish i could shake past me and scream at her to tell her to cherish the friendships shes had at so manynpoints in our#life and nor destroy them because theyre not ''perfect''#theres nothing to gain by being so self pitying. it doesnt get you anythung
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My friend posted about how he regrets every day not going to the burial of our friend who died by suicide and. It. I also didn’t go and. Made me feel like if I was wrong to do so. Idk I just. I was falling apart and didn’t want to fall apart in front of his family as they were going through so much and I did not know his family well at all and I wonder if that truly was the best move or if I was just centering myself. Idk.
#he was taking about how he thinks that’s why he’s grown apart from some of our friend group and I wonder now if that’s the same for me#idk I just. I miss him so much sorry#I just what a day to not be able to take my antidepressants bc wood#*woof#and I just. i just. after he died for about a year or two#for like 2 solid years I would see him in my dreams and he would be alive and I knew I knew he wasn’t actually alive but it was like in my#dreams I had a chance to talk to him again and try to stop him and figure out if I could help and tell him that I loved him#idk#I just. since I started law school and it’s been about 3 years now#but since I started school I. don’t have those dreams every night anymore and I’ve gotten to the point I haven’t had them in about like 6 or#more months and idk#I feel weird or bad#bc. I miss him so much and I used to at least be able to see him when I went to sleep#and I just I’m afraid I’m gonna forget what he sounds like soon#I think about him almost everyday I just#I hope he’s in a better place and knows we love him I hope he’s not in as much pain and I wish I could give him a huge again#I still#make my usernames Kate bishop references bc he always called me Ms bishop as a joke and I miss him so much#sorry sorry#personal#don’t reblog
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i think the fact that witch hat atelier somewhat struggles with introducing a few too many characters at a time but then not really taking the time to fully flesh out or utilize them leaving for much to desire from characters that do appear to be quite interesting is something i consider a blunder of the series but its also rather humorous to me because i think this author just really likes character design i will be honest
#thankfully the main cast is just so wonderfully captivating and incredibly enjoyable that its not really a case of ''being stuck with boring#main characters when the side characters are infinitely more interesting''#its more so ... characters like alaira jujy heiheart etc etc are so fun and cool and it makes me mad because i just want to know more about#them !!!!!!!please. just a little bit#when jujy (and heiheart) appeared in the recent chapters i was freaking out you guys dont know#JUJY WAS INTERACTING WITH THE OTHER APPRENTICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!G#fucking hell man. the main four apprentices are genuinely some of my favorite characters in anything. ever#but also ... jujy could have been a main character. lol#and im a little (very!) upset that shes not when i think about it#sigh ..i cant wait for alaira and euini to reappear#with the case of alaira i actually get so so upset i wish they didnt just disappear for so many chapters without even a simple mention#i get it theyre going rouge but :-( they had the one comic where euini sends letters to richeh but we never get something like this in the#actual series#and its so strange to me. i cant keep living like this i need alaira to tell me stories about her life#i CANNOT keep making shit up about her i miss her so bad its not even fucking funny#i also ... want to see more of her and qifrey :-( i think about them sometimes#alaira is one of qifreys only and dearest friends ....i love how silly and tender their interactions are#these people dont see eachother very often but wont hesitate to joke around a bit whenever they do happen to cross paths#theyre just very comfortable around eachother#i just like how this series writes relationships between the adults its handled with such a specific care and is so natural. but thats a#whole other ramble#these are ...people
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Spent a lot of time this week thinking about the inherent vulnerability of being loved and was hit with the overwhelming realization of how much love I have been surrounded in and refused to let myself experience thanks to my own deep insecurities.
#all the ways my friends have been screaming 'I love you' for years that I shrugged off calmly and ungratefully#all the times I refused the idea anyone could love or care for /me/ the way I often do for others#all these things hitting like a stone#all the times I wish I would have said 'thank you#'thank you for seeing something in me' instead of assuring them they were wrong. instead of insisting I MUST be bad because I felt bad#and even now knowing all this how hard it is to combat that instinct and finally let myself be loved the way I love#all the different ways crashing like a wave#'i miss you'#'come visit'#'move back here'#'when will I see you again?'#'can I call?'#'I'm glad you're still here'#and all the ways I just. never let myself think they meant it and how ungrateful I have been#it's a lot and it's not just me but god im so so.lucky#so lucky to live a life full of love and friends who stay and new ones all the time and its just hard#seeing all the ways i worsened my own pain in my worst moments because I just refused to see a beyter world#i couldn't imagine telling myself a decade ago where we end up#and i couldn't imagine that kid even believing we stayed alive#and it hurts but also feels very veru good#to be here#to see the love#to get a second chance with all of it#sorry guys lol
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#just put together why some of the particular interactions I’ve been having lately have been rubbing me the wrong way so much#I feel as if. I am being confided in a lot. which I appreciate - it means that people trust me and that I’m helpful to them - but also mean#I have very quickly become very aware of a lot of information#including people’s weird grudges and long-standing relationship dynamics and other things that I don’t need to know! to interact with them!#if I don’t like someone I am very bad at not letting that show on my face#and so it’s doubly unsettling to have someone confide in me that they secretly have major clashes with someone else#partly because I see them continue to interact and you could’ve fooled me#which really just underlines that I’m lucky people trust me enough to tell me things because I could not have picked any of this up on my#own which makes me so worried that I’m missing even more interpersonal land mines#but also because. if you tell me this! it is so hard to not let this poison my own relationships with whatever person you have beef with!#because I can’t keep the things I know (because i didn’t ask but you told me anyway) off my face!#I wish i were better at reading people and at keeping what I’m thinking off my face and at not being so bothered by what other people think#about me and each other#I don’t give a fuck whether or not you can smile and laugh and be fake friendly with people you’ve told me you hate. but I wish it didn’t#send me into a spiral about why you seem so fine and good at this while I’m sitting here with the information you gave me making me unable#to genuinely be friends with people I have no personal beef with#why is this so easy for you and so hard for me#five more weeks.#delete later#sola said#also if you're reading this this is not about you i just. aughhh
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Daydreaming about my tiny future home with a garden where I can grow vegetables and rhubarb and herbs for my tea and I have a kitchen where the oven is always preheating and there's fresh loaves of bread and hand made butter and cheese and I'm kneeding the pastry dough and I'm sitting in the window reading a book and getting caught in a daydream and I'm writing poetry and petting my dog and watching whatever tv I want or sitting in silence and I can just be alone by myself with no one else around at all.
#thinking about my childhood best friends house and their garden and their property with the chickens and goats and the large rocks in the#backyard near the open woods and we called the biggest one dinosaur rock and we practiced archery and picked apples#wahhhh I'm grown up and so are they I'm not 7 any more 😭😭😭😭#I miss their family so much. their sister got engaged to her girlfriend and their mom still posts her poetry on Facebook so I'm always#hearing about them I wish I could tell them how much their house means to me and how much I remeber it#most of my favorite childhood memories are at their house
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I shouldn't have seen that scheduled post now I'm thinking about them like I haven't been thinking about them for the past week, month
#I want to contact them so bad#but I can't#I want to believe it's salvageable but who am I kidding I'm out of their life am I not ?#I miss them so much#why do I have to be mentally ill ? why am I like this ? if I were just normal it would have worked#we would still be friends we would still be talking or I could have held on longer and waited longer#I wish I could know they're happy I wish that could be enough but it's a good start#one of you could tell me but we don't talk enough to ask that#I miss them man...I miss them#it felt like they made me better helped me get out of myself a little out of my comfort zone#i'm scared of reading old texts i'm scared of seeing what i lost the connection the amazing person they are bc my brain can't work#and i don't know how to handle it without destroying everything around me#maybe my brother is right i am just a manipulative hypocritical emotionally abusive fuck and I have nothing to do here#maybe I am just a terrible person trying to be the victim maybe what i'm feeling is just what i deserve for being a bad person to others
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fuck my ex friend frfr
#vent#dunno. just remembered her last message again#im glad we're not friends anymore. and will never be#im straight up not going to talk to someone like her ever again. thanks#i got enough of That type of human in the 'ex friend' category. seriously#for context: told my friends i was proship. they were ok with it. liked some proship stuff on twitter.#my friend got recommended it. this friend blocked me not only on twitter but everywhere.#and they kicked me from a very important server to me. and i think they didn't plan on telling me. had to ask one of the friends#(bless them i still love tgem /p great person) about the reason#and months later the first ex friend wrote me a message with no ability to reply to them. :)#and she basically said 'i can't associate with you. if only you'd change then we could be friends again'#and a lot more stuff but the details are already fuzzy in my mind! i have garbage cleaners installed in my brain <3#so yeah the more i think about it the more i realize just how much better i feel without her#do miss that second friend. hey. if any of u stalk me or whatever? please send best wishes to syu#i genuinely want them to be okay and happy. seriously
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