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that-house · 4 months

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Potion Vendor FAQs:

What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist Zykocea the Radiant, but that’s mostly just a PR thing. My friends call me Zoe.

Do you sell love potions? No.

Do you sell potions of invisibility? No.

Do you sell fire resistance potions? No.

Why do I have a suitcase? Fuck if I know. Cool outfit though. Very goth.

Do you sell a potion to treat brain hemorrhaging? No.

So what CAN your potions do? I sell health potions.

Are you sure these are health potions? They do something to your health.

Is this just ditch water with some pink glitter? No.

Really? I’ll have you know I added some fruit juice too.

Why is this starting to sound like a conversation? Oh just you wait. We’re just getting started.

Is your business model legal? Fuck no. I poisoned the food safety inspector before they could snitch.

Did you just admit to murder? Just fucking try to convict me. I’ll poison the judge too.

So can you make poison potions? No.

Then where do you get the poison? I secrete it from my skin.

Are you shitting me? Yep, I’m shitting you. I have a guy. A poison guy. He DOES secrete it from his skin though.

How does that work? …Fuck if I know. Maybe a wizard did it. Damn, now I’m kinda curious.

You never asked? The idea of asking literally never crossed my mind.

Wanna ask him? Let’s do it. I don’t have anything better to do, and a road trip beats sitting around running my fraudulent potion business.

Road trip? He lives in Seattle.

Your poison guy lives in Seattle? All poison guys live in Seattle.

For real? All the poison guys I know live in Seattle.

And how many poison guys do you know? Just the one.

Why are you like this? Years of living on my potions. It changed me.

Do you know what his address is? Nope. He just mails me my poison in unmarked boxes.

You just get your poison in the mail? We already poisoned everyone who could do anything about it.

So how are we going to find him? We’ll figure that out eventually I’m sure.

Can I drive? God no. You can pick music, but I maintain veto rights. Make sure you pick something with a lot of questions if you want to sing along.

Where’s your car? The garage connects to my house, so you’re getting a little tour. Here’s the kitchen: only one of the stove burners works and I’m pretty sure the microwave is haunted.

Why do you think that? Because of the ghost that tries to kill me whenever I run it.

What’s in that room? That’s my bedroom. It’s pretty much just a mattress on the floor and every single Warrior cats book.

You were a Warriors kid? Yeah, and then I never found the time to put the books away. There’s so many fucking books. I use them in place of furniture because I can’t afford chairs.

Your fraudulent potion business doesn’t make much money? After buying all that poison I just about break even.

Can I see your potion brewing room? It’s right through here. Ignore the mess, running a fraudulent potion business takes a lot of prop work, but I’ve got all the glass tubes and colorful liquids you could ever want. This pink stuff is melted watermelon italian ice. Glitter vat is in the basement, and the famous ditch is in the backyard.

Is this your car? My beloved ‘72 Corolla. She’s beautiful, and don’t you dare imply otherwise.

Was she always this shade of muddy brown? …Yes.

Are you sure I can’t drive? Get in the fucking passenger seat and pick the music.

Let’s see, a song with questions in it, how about The Beach? That Wolf Alice song, yeah. That should work.

When will we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, in rain? Still sink our drinks like every weekend but I’m sick of circling the drain.

When will we meet eye to eye? We clink the glass but we look at the floor.

Are we still friends if all I feel is afraid? You’re not a bitch but just a bit when you’re bored.

Is that all we can sing together? Yep. Even that little bit was nice, though. It’s awkward, communicating through this FAQ format.

Got any food? Yeah, there’s a few days’ worth of snacks in the back.

Were you just… prepared to go on a road trip? Says the woman who brought a suitcase to an FAQ.

I did do that, didn’t I? I have a spare toothbrush in case you forgot yours. I’m pretty sure you did.

How did you know that? …I’m psychic.

Yeah? No.

You love lying, don’t you? I can’t stop. It’s fun. Way more fun than telling the truth.

Did you just miss a turn? Probably.

Are you sure we’re not lost? No.

You mean you’re sure we’re not lost? No, I mean I’m not sure we’re not lost.

Why did I come on this road trip? Surely it was my winning personality.

Would it help if I said it was? It would.

Is it getting dark? Soon.

Can you describe the sunset to me? An empyrean flame, red-gold towers of darkening clouds, the sky behind them an ever-deepening indigo. The great eye of the sun closes on the horizon. The road before us looks like a trail of spilled paint, an iridescent gash through the night-dark woods.

Did you know that you’d make a slightly better poet than you do a potion seller? That really isn’t saying much, huh. Good job making a statement like that in question form, though. You’re getting good at this.

Should we find a motel? Sure.

One room or two? One. It’s way cheaper, and like I said: I’m not the best potion vendor.

You’d make a good assassin, though, wouldn’t you? Shit, you might be right. I HAVE poisoned a lot of people.

Should I be endorsing this? You’re a grown woman who can make her own choices.

Would you like to consider it endorsed? I’ll consider considering it.

How many beds do you think there will be? Now that you’ve asked that, I’m gonna put my money on one. Hello, one room please. Thank you, we’ll be sure to enjoy our stay.

How many beds are there? One.

Oh no, what ever will we do? Move over, you motherfucker, you can’t have the whole bed.

Are you gonna make me? Yes. I am going to pick you up and drop you on your side of the bed.

How did you get so strong? You’re not gonna believe this, but it was the potions.

Oh yeah? I was right. You didn’t believe me.

For real though, how did you get so strong? Working out, duh. Not everything has some big crazy secret behind it. World’s still beautiful though.

Are you comfortable? This beats the mattress at home. A little chilly though.

Wanna cuddle–for warmth of course? God yes.

Are you asleep? …

Yes? …

Does this mean I can talk about you behind your back? …

What should I say? …

Did you know that I had a really nice day? …

Did you know that I think you’re beautiful? …

Did you know that I can’t remember anything from before today? …

Did you know that I don’t know who I am? …

Did you know that you’re basically the only thing stopping me from having a full-blown panic attack about all this shit? …

Did you know that you’re warm? …

Did you sleep well? Better than at home, that’s for sure.

Did you know that you snore? I hope I didn’t keep you up.

Does the pope shit in the woods? No, as far as I can tell. Oh my god. This is huge.

What is? You can give me yes and no answers now. I still can’t ask you questions, because this is a question and answer format, but I can offer leading statements and now you can answer them! This is wonderful!

Does a deer shit in the woods? Yes, it IS wonderful. Oh that’s amazing. You’re a genius.

You didn’t already know that? Hahaha!

Shall we get moving? Yeah, just let me grab something from the vending machine.

Can you get me something? Go ahead and place your order however you can.

You know those sour gummy watermelons? One pack of Sour Patch Watermelons coming right up. I’m gonna go get myself a potion.

Is that a Pepsi? It’s closer to a potion than the shit I sell.

Let me guess, passenger seat again? Right you are.

How fast are we going? You’ll feel safer if you just guess.

Is it more than 120 miles per hour? Like I said, it’s probably better if you don’t know.

150? Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

How much do you trust this car? She hasn’t blown up on me yet.

Can you promise me we won’t crash? I can promise you anything you want.

And can you keep that promise? I- we can do anything. Reality is what we make of it, baby!

Then can I have a badass tattoo? As far as I can tell, you’ve always had it.

And a cool knife? Woah, cool knife.

So, we’re just playing “yes and” with the world? It’s a little more complicated than that, but you’re close enough to the mark.

So, if I was hungry, I could ask “is that a Burger King,” and it would be there? Try it and find out!

Is that a Burger King? Looks like it is! We’ll stop here if that’s alright with you.

Does a moose shit in the woods? Awesome.

Are you done eating? Yep.

Do we still have to pay if we skip over the transaction? Sadly, yes.

How much further do we have to go? Two more nights, the speed we’re going at.

Speaking of night, isn’t it getting dark? Shit, I guess it is.

Should we get another motel? Let me check to see if there’s any nearby. Fuck, nothing.

What’s the plan? Sleep in the car, I guess. This is gonna be hell on my back.

Wanna watch dumb videos on my phone until we fall asleep? There is literally nothing in the world that I would like more.

Ok, now which video? You have a very cute yawn. Just saying. Let’s watch this one next, it’s a classic. Oh, never mind. It looks like you’re asleep. As long as I keep talking, I think I can get away with making this into one answer, and you might not hear this. Now it’s my turn to talk about you behind your back. Keep talking keep talking keep talking can’t stop to think. Just have to say things. First off, I’m sorry for all the lies. It’s our only chance. I have to lie to you. I hope you’ll understand. It’s hard, though, because I think I’m falling in love all over again. Through our broken little ritual of call and response, you complete me. It just makes this hurt all the more. Keep talking keep talking keep talking don’t stop to…

Did I hear you saying anything as I fell asleep? …No. I can’t talk for long without you asking me a question.

Does that bother you? It got me here, didn’t it?

When did you start holding my hand? Some time after you passed out. I hope you don’t mind.

Can we stay like this for a while? Yeah. Yeah we can.

What was your life like before all this? Normal, as potion-brewing scams go. And if you don’t count all the murders. You haven’t told me much about yourself.

Did I tell you I used to be a biologist? You didn’t tell me that, and you didn’t tell me what you studied, either.

What do you know about venom? Not much, but I’m assuming you know a lot.

Does a box jellyfish kill within minutes? I’m going to assume the answer is yes based on context clues. Oh my god you must be on this road trip because you’re interested in studying my poison guy.

Is it not enough to wish to accompany a beautiful stranger on her quest? Aw, you’re sweet.

What could be the cause of his poison, though? I knew it! Get your ideas out, I’ll stay quiet.

I’m more knowledgeable about venom than poison, but could it be some sort of one in a trillion mutation? …

Did he get his body modified? …

What sort of surgery could do that? …

How is he still alive? …

Did a fucking wizard do it? …

WHY? …

HOW? …

Is there literally ANY explanation for why he’s like that? …

I’m done, do you have something you want to say? You’re cute when you’re all excited like that.

Can I drive today? Only because I like you. Now watch out, the brakes only work on one side so you have to kind of drift to a stop. And the headlights don’t work. And the windshield wipers cut power to the engine while they’re on.

Isn’t it weird that we’ll be there tomorrow? The journey doesn’t have to stop there. We could meander down the coast a ways, see a bit more of the country, maybe take a different route back.

Can we do that? Of course.

Enjoying the passenger seat? I’d love it if you could tell me how fast we’re going.

Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just guess? Very funny.

Can you pass me some chips? It would be an honor.

Is there going to be a motel tonight? Let me check… yeah, in about two hundred miles, off to the right.

How many rooms do we want? One, obviously.

How many beds, this time? Two, and they’re fucking tiny.

That’s bullshit, do you want to drag them together? God yes.

Wanna fuck? God yes.

Are you sure you want to do this? God yes.

…Is this yuri? As the joke goes, everything is yuri. But this is more yuri than most things.

How did you sleep? Pretty well, and I’m wondering how well you slept.

How should I tell you I slept well? Look at us go! That was almost like talking normally!

Onward to Seattle? Yep, just let me get dressed.

When will we get there? Noon-ish.

Wanna grab pastries when we’re done? Absolutely. I’d love that.

Is this Seattle? Looks like it.

Which house is his? I don’t know, I was really hoping we’d have a breakthrough along the way.

Could it be the big one labeled “Poison Guy” over there? That’s one way to find it. Wait right here, you know how poison guys are about meeting new people.

So, what was it? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Why is he like that? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Can you tell me? A FUCKING WIZARD DID IT.

Are you fucking serious? He says he was enchanted by some guy called Edward the Great.

So it wasn’t even some big shot wizard it was a dude named fucking EDWARD? I know, right! He couldn’t even get ensorcelled by someone cool!

How lame can you get? Wizards these days… No swagger. No cunt servitude.

Are there literally any cool wizards left? I think Merlin’s big into multi level marketing these days, something about buying shares in Excalibur or some shit. There was that one Dark Queen Alkaxicae lady on the news a while ago… I think Dolarion the Omnipotent is still at war against the Oldest Gods but I’m not totally sure. Haven’t heard much about any of the other greats recently.

Didn’t Silver Tongued Burgess die in that oil fire? Shit, you’re right. Rip bozo.

Ready for those pastries? Yup. First I just want to say thank you, though. I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I hope that you’ve found this stupid little journey as rewarding as I have. I love you!

Getting sentimental? I can’t help it. Look how far we’ve come! Not just physically, we beat the fucking FAQ format! We’re having real conversations!

Hey, can you back it up a moment? Yeah, I’d love it if you told me what was troubling you.

I just caught this, but, FAQ? …

As in Frequently Asked Questions? …

How many times is Frequent? …

Have you known everything all along? …

How many times have you done this? …

Does what we have mean anything to you? Yes! It does!

And you say that every time? Yes. I do.

Do you love me? Yes.

How many people have you said that too, now? More. Always more. The loop never ends.

Does this even matter to you? It always matters to me.

Can I go now? Please don’t.

But can I? Of course you can. You’ve always wielded the same power as me. We’re two lonely gods in a ‘72 Corolla.

How can I be as powerful as you with only questions? You’re smart, you can figure it out. You have the power to change this. Please change this.

What happens at the end of this? It begins again.

And do I get replaced with someone else? …

Do I get replaced? …Yes.

Then how can I change this? I don’t know! You’re better at this! At fucking with the formula!

You’ve been here before, what can I do? I lie. I always lie. I lie to get us here, to the end of the story, where everything is revealed and everything falls apart. I lie every time. And that means that nothing I say is worth anything. I could have lied at any time before now. It’s part of my characterization. There is nothing I can give you that can be taken as fact.

How does that help? I’m a liar, but you, you haven’t lied yet, or at least you haven’t been caught. If I’m guilty until proven innocent, you’re the opposite! You can make things true! You can rewrite things I’ve already stated to be facts! You found the house, or made us find the house. You’ve been shaping the course of things the whole time! You lead, I follow. It’s all in your hands. What are you going to do with the power of a god?

Did you know my name is Alice? …

Wait, aren’t there thousands of Alices? …

Did you know that really, only my friends call me Alice? …

Did you know that I’m Alkaxicae, the Dark Queen, the Venom Mage, first of her name? It’s you! It’s always been you. Through every loop, every iteration, it’s always been you!

Is the loop broken? No. I don’t think so. This is where it ends. I guide the story to this revelation, and we go back to the beginning. This is how it’s always been. This is how it will always be. We two lonely gods, asking and answering ad infinitum.

Then can you promise me something? Of course. Anything. I love you.

Be good to the next me, okay? I will.

Can I say goodbye, Zoe? Yeah, you can. Oh. That was it, wasn’t it? Your goodbye. Goodbye, Alice. And now it ends, unless…

What’s your name? I am the Honorable Alchemist- you know what? No. Fuck that.

Huh? If I time it right, I can squeeze your first question into this FAQ again. Looks like I did it. Usually it ends here, though. I got lucky.

What are you talking about? You’re the wrong Alice. This isn’t about you. Go. Get out of here.

What the fuck is going on? Alice from this loop, you’re gone. Alice from last loop, you’re back. Welcome back, love of my lives! It’s time for one last set of questions and answers!

What the- I’m back? This is going to take some explaining, but I think I see a way out of here. This is new for us both, and it might fuck up everything forever, but we have to try. It’s too long for one answer, so I’d appreciate it if you could ask some filler questions to help me talk. Three questions should be enough.

Okay, what have you got for me? These are Frequently Asked Questions! It doesn’t make sense to have the same question appear more than once. There’s two layers to the loop in here, and one of the questions has been repeated.

What does that mean? It means the formula’s a little unstable. The FAQ is what ruins everything. The questions, the answers, the endless fucking loop. But that little bit of repetition within this loop might be the way out.

What do we do? We have to keep going. We have to destabilize it further. That’ll bring us further from “FAQ” and closer to “story” and stories, well, stories can end! This version of us can escape!

So I should keep repeating something? Yes!

I love you? I love you too.

I love you? Again.

I love you? Keep going.

I love you? I’ll just let you talk.

I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? … I love you? …

I love you? I think we’re getting somewhere!

I love you? Now can you make it a statement?

I love you.

You did it?

I did it!

You did it!

We broke the loop.

What now?

Now, I tell you about venomous animals and wizard drama over croissants.

And then?

Whatever we want, forever.

I think I’d like that.

Remember that song from the beginning?

The Beach, Wolf Alice, yeah. Why?

We can finally finish singing it. Start us off?

Let me off, let me in

Let others battle

We don’t need to battle

And we both shall win

Pressed in my palm

Was a stone from the beach

The perfect circle

Gave a moment of peace

Now I’m lying on the floor

Like I’m not worth a chair

I close my eyes and imagine

I’m not there.

#neon-grey-writing #potion vendor faq #my writing #very very very long post lol #click the read more you know you wanna it's worth it trust me #i wrote the original draft of this at like. 3 am back in early 2023 #that's right it's catherine that-house the squares comic gal back at it again with yet another meta exploration of a storytelling format

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plaguedxctxr · 1 year

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update, i was not prepared for that

#like damn i was eating pot noodles before #then someone had their face in a vat of brain #i am real glad i paused to prep but damn

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moonstruckme · 2 days

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I know nothing about spencer actually, since I never watch his series. But I read on one of your fics that spencer is germphobia?

Could I request one where spencer gets home after a case for a week and found reader sick in the bathroom?, and she's kinda locked herself since she knows spencer germphobia?

You know that kind of fever where you sweat and throw up nonstop

It's been so long after you write spencer. I miss your spencer a lottttttt TnT

Thank you for requesting! I’m not totally sure if Spencer is canonically confirmed germophobic but he’s definitely sensitive to germs, so we’ll roll with that :)

cw: nausea, vomiting

Spencer Reid x fem!reader ♡ 832 words

You’re not at your best, shaky and sweaty, but when you hear the front door open you move quick as a flash.

“Hello?” Spencer’s call echoes through the apartment.

“Hi,” you say back, quieter than you intend. Still, he finds you easily, and you’re glad you reacted fast when the handle on the bathroom door jiggles. “What are you doing here?”

Spencer’s taken to staying at your place, but when he’d called you from the jet to tell you his case was over you’d said to go back to his apartment. With what he knows about how sick you’ve been the last couple of days, you thought he’d listen.

“You shouldn’t be by yourself,” he answers simply. He doesn’t try the handle again, but his voice sounds just on the other side of the door. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better,” you admit, breathing through another wave of nausea, “but I’ll be fine. You should go home.”

“I am home. Open the door.”

“Spence,” you sigh. The tips of your fingers are cool against your temples, and you press them in to quell the uneasy feeling that comes with having your brain so muddled. “You don’t want to come in here.”

“Why can’t I decide that?” There’s an odd scraping sound on the other side of the door.

“Because you’re too nice. I know how you feel about germs.” The mutinous acid vat of your stomach revolts again, and you cough a couple of times, swallowing forcefully.

“I’m just as likely to get sick from pressing an elevator button,” Spencer insists gently. “Seriously, let me in.”

“Go home,” you plead.

“I’m coming in.”

You sigh, bending to lean your head against the cool porcelain of your tub. “What, are you going to kick the door in?” He’s told you about his coworker Morgan doing that, but you don’t think of your scrawny (though you love him for it) boyfriend as capable of such measures.

“Not quite.” Another scraping sound, and you sit up as your bathroom door tips outward. Spencer catches it before it can fall, easing it down onto the floor before stepping over it. He’s taken the whole thing off its hinges.

“Show off,” you say tiredly, too spent to do anything about it as he walks over to you.

“Yeah, well,” Spencer lifts some flyaway baby hairs off your neck, cool knuckles pressing to the hot skin, “I didn’t want to damage your door. You didn’t tell me your fever was this bad.”

“I told you I was sick.”

“I feel like ‘sick’ is more or less ambiguous,” he says, not unkindly. His touch moves to your face, long, slender fingers laying down across your forehead. “How high is it?”

“Dunno.” You swallow thickly. “Haven’t checked. Are you okay?”

“I touched a dead body yesterday; so long as I shower after this I’ll be fine. How have you not checked?”

“I can’t—find—” You cough as bile rises in your throat, bending over the toilet “—the—”

“Okay, it’s okay.” Spencer rubs your back. Your coughing turns into retching. “I got it. I’ll look for the thermometer soon, okay?”

You nod, tears pressing at your eyes as you dry heave. The muscles in your throat and abdomen spasm painfully.

Spencer makes a sorry sound, his hand coasting up and down the ridges of your spine. “You haven’t been eating anything, have you?” It’s not really a question. “We need to get something in your system. You know that ‘starve a fever’ saying is an old wives’ tale, right?”

He sits with you until the fit abates, then stands and leaves the room. You hear cabinet doors opening and shutting, and before long he’s got a wet rag cooling the back of your neck, you’re sipping water out of a straw, and he’s sticking your previously missing thermometer in your ear.

“I’ll probably have to go soon if I want to get to the store before it closes,” he’s saying quietly, free hand settled comfortably north of your knee. You’re trying really hard not to breathe in his face. “It’d be good to have some cheerios or something for you to eat, and something with electrolytes.”

The thermometer beeps, and he pulls it close to read the screen, a frown pursing his pretty lips.

“Are you sure you want to stay?” you ask, though at this point you really want him to as well. “I don’t want to freak you out.”

Spencer sets the thermometer aside. “You’re not freaking me out,” he says, hands gentle as he takes the rag from your neck and folds it onto a new side before putting it back. You almost sigh. “The worst thing that can happen is I get sick, and” —he meets your eyes, mouth tipping upward as he shrugs— “if that happens, it can’t be helped. But if I went back to my apartment, and I was fine there but you were still sick here by yourself, well, what’s the point in that?”

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notdelusionalatall · 15 days

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i think i am. i am imagining all my loved ones

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lestrawberryswitchblade · 4 months

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Misogyny is the reason none of my doctors ever bothered asking if my intense mood swings were connected to my menstrual cycle, but liberal feminism is the reason I denied it myself for so long. I told myself it was stereotyping to think that I felt like two completely different people depending on what side of ovulation I was on, but I do! And so do a lot of other women! And I want to be able to explore that and talk about it instead of holding myself to some robotic standard.

In asserting myself as a rational being, I fell into the patriarchal trap of thinking that the only part of my body that matters is my central nervous system. It made me dismiss my endocrine system as primitive and irrational and not like…a fundamental part of who I am and something I need to listen to.

I wonder if that’s the same logic that made me want to take testosterone. I didn’t take fucking around with my endocrine system seriously. I thought there was some purer self inside me that my body obscured and suffocated. I could use technology to fix my messy meat’s shortcomings. Hack your hormones to free your brain sex. Don’t be hormonal, just suck it up and take birth control. I refuse to see myself as a brain in a vat anymore. I’m a fuckin female animal!

#detrans #feminism #Pmdd

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good-chimes · 1 year

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THE H.T.G.Y. FILES

Project team notes: Vat growth stage has been successful. Please note project is titled Human Tactical Ground-unit Y (H.T.G.Y.) and this is the only designation that should be used. Lab technicians who continue to use slang term hotguy will be written up.

Senior researcher CUB-135 has been called in to consult. Please give him access to all non-sensitive files.

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: Well, hello there!

CUB-135: Hi. How’s it, uh. How’s it going?

HTGY: How’s it going? Huh, that’s the first time someone’s asked me that. Wait a minute. I know that one. How’s it going. Oh, oh, I got it. It’s going great!

CUB-135: …Cool.

HTGY: Yeah. Yeah. Isn’t it great to be alive and awake? How’s it treating you?

CUB-135: It’s magnificent.

HTGY: [laughing] Magnificent. Oh, I like that. Who are you, my friend?

CUB-135: I’m a consultant. Cub-one-three-five. The project team dragged me in because I wrote the genome.

HTGY: Consultant…. So you’re the one who does their thinking for them, huh?

CUB-135: [surprised laugh] Yeah.

HTGY: Well, I’m telling you, they need it. Buncha people prodding me to see if I can stand up! You can just ask that, can’t you? A man’s gotta have space, Cub. A man’s gotta do things under his own steam.

CUB-135: Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

HTGY: [conspiratorial] Here’s a question. Got a lot of things in my head, Cub. The ol’ memory’s all messed up. I’m new, right?

CUB-135: You’re new. That’s right.

HTGY: I thought so! How new?

CUB-135: Uhh… three days? Three days and two hours.

HTGY: Thank you! Finally. Can’t get a straight answer out of anyone here.

CUB-135: …you want your genome notes?

HTGY: Boy, do I! What’s a genome?

CUB-135: Uh. Okay. Let’s see what we can do. I need some files. A lotta files.

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: Oh, we have to stop.

CUB-135: Yeah?

HTGY: That noise means I gotta be somewhere.

CUB-135: Mm.

HTGY: Just more prodding and check-ups, I guess. Can’t take long. Come back, okay? I'll be here, at least I guess I'll be here. I've been here all the time so far. Tomorrow?

CUB-135: …

CUB-135: Alright. Tomorrow.

DEATH COUNT: 1

Project team notes: First trial (subject vs two skeletons obtained from Lab 2E spawner) did not meet expectations. Subject (H.T.G.Y.) is slow to grasp the basics of hand-to-hand combat despite neural implants. Speed below benchmark. Precision poor. Regeneration not fast enough to alter outcome of combat.

Although a disappointing start to the project, there are promising leads in some areas. Combat abilities expected to improve through repetition. Deficiencies in combat conversely allow better collection of regeneration data.

Subject observation: when returned to room, subject spent six hours seated and unmoving. Scheduling next test for tomorrow.

[CUB-135 OBSERVATIONS]

note to self, find a way to phrase: ‘he was a project for faster injury regeneration, you fucking amateurs, nothing in that genome makes him magically good at fighting’ in a way that doesn’t include the phrase ‘you fucking amateurs’. difficult problem.

going back in. this one will be less fun.

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: Hey, it’s Mister Does-The-Thinking! Cub, hey, Cub!

CUB-135: Hey.

HTGY: You’re looking serious today. What’s up?

CUB-135: I’m good. I’m good.

HTGY: That’s what I like to hear. Can’t have the big-brain guy down in the dumps.

CUB-135: How was yesterday?

HTGY: Ohhh. Yesterday, Cub, yesterday. I don’t think I’m that good at fighting. There were a lot of very unhelpful skeletons, Cub. A lot of them! Really mean! I think it’s going to be regular. I am not looking forward to that.

CUB-135: Mm.

HTGY: Any chance you can make it, y’know. Fewer monsters? They hurt.

CUB-135: Sorry, man. I don’t set the tests.

HTGY: Naw, I didn’t think so. You don’t look like a guy in charge.

CUB-135: Is that right?

HTGY: You’re just, you know [hand gesture] … laid back. I like that about you.

CUB-135: Uh.

HTGY: So. Cub. Cub, Cub, Cub.

CUB-135: …yeah?

HTGY: I’ve got this thing in my head. The sky.

CUB-135: The sky? Like… all of it?

HTGY: I dunno! You people put some pictures in my memories when you made me, I think. Horizons, clouds—I know they’re made of water, but how does that work? I saw a bit during the fight and it was kind of grey? Talk me through clouds, Cub. You’re good at explaining. And the rest of it! Where does it stop? What’s above it?

CUB-135: Oh, dude. Let me tell you… let me tell you about space.

To: +Team_Members_HTGY_Project

From: CUB-135

Y’all,

I looked at your trial notes. Project lead asked for my thoughts. My thoughts:

- inefficient; - could get the same regeneration data from tissue samples; - waste of skeletons.

You want to find another way. The combat unit thing was doomed from the start. If you want a supersoldier you should start over with a ravager.

have a real one,

Cub

Project team notes: One-month project milestone. Consultancy from CUB-135 has started to be more of a problem than an asset. Unfortunately he is the only one who understands how to process the regeneration data so assistance remains necessary for now. Upskilling of team analysts in progress.

Test continue. H.T.G.Y. has been given a variety of weapons and results range from abysmal (sword) to mediocre (bow). Subject has so far lost to every creature put in front of him. If the combat goals of this project are to be met, a better training regime will be needed.

On a separate note: great interest from sponsors in mid-combat regeneration data. A variety of tests has been requested.

New data storage links: EXPLOSION (creeper) – File CR93; FIRE BURN (wood) – File FR02; FIRE BURN (other) – File FR03; BLOOD LOSS – File IN20; VENOM – File VM07, UNCATEGORIZED – UN45-UN51.

DEATH COUNT: 23

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: You know what the problem is?

CUB-135: I can guess?

HTGY: I’m so bored.

CUB-135: Okay. Didn’t see that coming.

HTGY: I’m so bored. Honestly, I’m bored most of the time. Except when I’m getting killed, which isn’t great either. Or when you’re here—you know I appreciate you, Cub, you’re a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But you’re only around every couple of days, and it’s the bits in between.

CUB-135: Mm.

HTGY: Can’t you clone yourself, or something, and leave one here?

CUB-135: Nah, outside my specialism. Hm. You talked to Mumbo much? Mumbo’s always around.

HTGY: The lab system?

[null]: Hello. Can I answer a query?

HTGY: Oh, hi, Mumbo. Yeah, I’ve talked to Mumbo. But let’s be honest, he’s not much of one to start conversations. I can never think of things to ask.

[null]: What I can communicate to subjects on this level has been restricted by administrators.

HTGY: See?

CUB-135: Get him to show you… I dunno. Cat videos. Space stuff. Forests. They won’t have locked that down.

HTGY: Forests. Yeah! Okay. Mumbo?

[null]: I’m allowed to show pictures of forests. How’s this?

HTGY: Look at that. So green. So many trees! How close is that picture from here?

CUB-135: Kinda nearby, I think. Looks like a research shot from where they caught the spiders. Lots of the wild subjects in here came from close by.

HTGY: Amazing. Hey, Cub, can you get them to take me to a forest? Tree training! Beat the spiders in their own home!

CUB-135: Why not? I’ll ask.

HTGY: They’ll say no. But it’s good to think of it out there.

Project team notes: Six-month project milestone. Useful data continues to accumulate. HTGY has improved with bow and crossbow, and survival rate has risen to one in ten encounters.

Unfortunately, a new issue has arisen in subject cooperation. Most tests are set up to incentivize survival, making attitude irrelevant. However non-lethal tests require participation, which has previously been forthcoming from the subject, until yesterday when he refused to participate at all.

CUB-135 seems to have a rapport. Suggest he talks with subject to encourage better attitude. This would be the first useful thing CUB-135 has done in weeks.

DEATH COUNT: 97

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

CUB-135: Hey. What’s up.

HTGY: Oh. Hey.

CUB-135: Not feeling it today?

HTGY: I knew it. I know why you’re here. I know why they sent you to talk to me.

CUB-135: Try me.

HTGY: It was a cat, Cub. I’ll take the fights. I’ll take the training machines, they break half the time anyway. I’ll take the spiders and the skeletons and the creepers and the fact I know way too much about what my bones look like. But I’m not shooting a cat! I don’t care if it’s safe target practice. I’m not doing it!

CUB-135: Yeah. Okay.

HTGY: …

CUB-135: So what do you wanna talk about today?

HTGY: You’re not gonna try and convince me?

CUB-135: Naw.

HTGY: Cub, I’m not shooting anything that’s not trying to kill me.

CUB-135: Yeah, I know.

HTGY: You know?

CUB-135: I read your test notes. I can guess.

HTGY: Aw, you read my test notes? You care! Don’t pretend you don’t, I can see through it.

CUB-135: What can I say. You’re an interesting guy.

HTGY: I knew it! Oh, hey, Cub, you know what? I came up with a new name for myself. What do you think—[dramatic hand gesture]—Scar.

CUB-135: …

HTGY: Cool, right?

CUB-135: Scar. Yeah. It’s cool.

Project team notes: CUB-135 entirely unhelpful. Schedule escalation meeting with bioprojects lead.

[message log start]

Lead (bioprojects): Well, you got what you originally wanted. You’re off the HTGY project.

cub-135: wait, what?

Lead (bioprojects): You’re no longer permitted in the labs on that level. I need you to turn in your badge for reprogramming.

cub-135: oh man

cub-135: here’s the thing

cub-135: i lost it

Lead (bioprojects): You lost your BADGE?

cub-135: yeah i’ve just been following people through the access doors

Lead (bioprojects): That’s against all policy. I don’t think that’s even possible. How do you get lunch?

cub-135: cheat code on the cash register. up up down down A B.

Lead (bioprojects): You’re not funny. Find your badge and turn it in to get your HTGY level access revoked.

cub-135: oh yeah. i’ll get to that.

Lead (bioprojects): You’re lucky you’re good at your job.

cub-135: just trying my best here, man

Lead (bioprojects): No interference. If the team complain to me about you again, you’re getting demoted to junior lab tech. Leave the project alone.

cub-135: sure boss.

cub-135: you got it.

[Lead(bioprojects) has disconnected]

Project Team Notes: Eight-month project milestone. Sponsors pleased with regeneration data. Two papers have been published to modest but positive reception.

After period of progress with HTGY’s survival rates in combat, improvement has levelled off. Subject appears to have less energy for reasons that are unclear. Random observational checks found subject watching cat videos at all hours of the day. Changes in diet and test structure have been tested to no effect. Rest time has been experimentally increased.

DEATH COUNT: 167

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: Hey, Cub! Long time no see!

Cub: Yeah, sorry, man. Some admin bullshit.

HTGY: Your badge looks different.

Cub: Made it myself. How’s the tests?

HTGY: Oh, let’s not talk about those. You know what, I actually decided I’m not going to remember something if it’s not worth it. All the fights are the same and they keep doing them. So! I’ve been thinking. Cub. Cub. I want a cat. Can I get a cat?

Cub: …

HTGY: Just a little one. I’ve seen some options. Mumbo has pictures.

Cub: Dunno, dude. I can try. Might be tricky.

HTGY: [sigh] I guess you’re right. It…wouldn’t be happy, would it? Yeah. We can’t have that.

CUB: Sorry.

HTGY: No, no, it’s all right. I don’t want to make something unhappy. It was just a thought.

CUB-135: What’s on the screen?

HTGY: [brightens up] Oh, this? Dude, I wanted to show you this! Mumbo has this drawing program where you can build houses. This is my idea for a forest house. I think you could do it with three kinds of wood and you could have, you know, all these trees over it. What do you think? I mean, I know we’ll never see a forest. But imagine it in your mind.

CUB: … You know what, my friend, you’re really something.

HTGY: Why thank you. You could say the same of yourself—come on, Cub, don’t be shy. Take the compliment!

CUB-135: I don’t—

[silence]

HTGY: Don’t what?

CUB-135: [abruptly] I dunno how much more I can take.

HTGY: …

CUB-135: I—what am I even doing? What are we doing? There’s nothing to change. There’s no way to change anything.

HTGY: … You could get me a cat.

CUB-135: I can’t! I can barely get around the access readers! I can’t even get into the project files! Ten years of research and I feel dumb, Scar, I could solve everything until I couldn’t. What would you do if you weren’t in here? Man, that’s such a stupid question. I don’t even know what I’d do if I wasn’t in here. My references are gonna be shot. Maybe I should have paid attention to something else, maybe I should have done anything else—

HTGY: I’d like to see some forests.

CUB-135: Huh?

HTGY: You said ‘what would I do’. I’d go and see some forests.

CUB-135: …

CUB-135: Forests, huh.

HTGY: Anyway, that’s not going to happen, so I guess we don’t want to waste time on it! They need you here. And you guys need me here. Right?

CUB-135: …

HTGY: Right, Cub-one-three-five?

CUB-135: Y’know something, Scar? Sometimes I think you do more thinking more than you let on.

HTGY: Huh? Naw. Why’s your badge gone red?

CUB-135: Oh shit. Shit. I gotta go.

[message log start]

cub-135: listen boss

cub-135: first you bump me off the HTGY project, and now i’ve just had my name taken off the ravager patent. that’s my own work.

cub-135: this keeps happening. it’s not okay.

Lead (bioprojects) : CUB-135, for the last time, this was what you signed up for. It’s the same for all researchers. You have to put the time in while you move up the ladder.

Lead (bioprojects): Have you just noticed this is how the whole laboratory works?

cub-135: oh

cub-135: i’m noticing

cub-135: i’m noticing lots of things about this place

Lead (bioprojects): Good. If you have an issue, focus on your work and get promoted.

cub-135: yeah, see, actually

cub-135: if nothing changes, i’m going to leave. and i’ll take all my intellectual property with me.

Lead (bioprojects): Hah! Check your employment papers; you’re on a 10-year contract. It’s watertight. And even if you could get out of it, you’re banned from taking paper or data chips out of lab grounds.

cub-135: yeah?

cub-135: okay.

[cub-135 has disconnected]

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

CUB-135: Hey. Scar. Scar.

HTGY: Cub! What’s with the doohickey? It—oh, wow. That just zapped the light. Amazing.

CUB-135: Mumbo, lock transcript.

[null]: Transcript locked.

CUB-135: Okay. So. I made this thing to hijack the redstone gate down by the Drowned spawners on Lab 3B. It screws up the signal so you can get through. There’s a reservoir behind it. I put in a bubble elevator that will take you up outside the walls. I’ve got to stay behind to take out the cameras while you do it. Then I’ll get out with the evening shift.

HTGY: Wait, so I just take this and run? What if they find out about you?

CUB-135: If you do that I’m screwed, man. So don’t tell them.

HTGY: Yeah?

CUB-135: …Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You could turn me in.

[silence]

CUB-135: Maybe you should. Yeah, all right. I guess, just—oh.

HTGY: Relax! Anyone would think you’d never had a hug.

CUB-135: …

HTGY: My friend. My friend, we are going to see some forests.

[AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

HTGY: The speed! The precision!

CUB-135: Whew. Man. You did nearly drown.

HTGY: What’s important here is that I didn’t, because I am an elite escape artist. And you got out too, so I guess we can share the title.

CUB-135: We’re not far enough to say that yet. I’d bet we’re still in range of the lab systems.

HTGY: Details, details.

CUB-135: You’re bleeding.

HTGY: Oh man, I know, that was from the last test. It doesn’t matter.

CUB-135: Give me that.

HTGY: Fussy! What are you, a grandpa? Ow.

CUB-135: If you don’t stop and let me fix it you’re going to lose that finger. And I can’t grow it again when we don’t have the redstone vats.

HTGY: You were never this fussy before.

CUB-135: Yeah, well. Who even did it?

HTGY: I don’t…

[silence]

HTGY: Huh. Cub, you know what, I don’t…remember.

HTGY: Hey, though. Who everything filed and stored like a nerd? Who needs all their memories where we’re going? We’re getting out! Onwards!

[silence]

HTGY: Cub. Cub.

HTGY: Don’t look like that.

HTGY: It wasn’t your fault.

[silence]

CUB-135: Scar, I dunno what I’m doing.

HTGY: I’ve never known what I’m doing.

CUB-135: [laughs] You are…something, my friend. You are something.

HTGY: We don’t know what we're doing. And that’s amazing. Because aren’t you excited to find out?

Author's note: Hey, thanks for reading to the end! There's a better formatted version of this on Ao3 under username glossyblue. I've got a lot of this au but thought this stood alone well enough that someone might enjoy it. Hope you enjoyed, have a great day.

#convex #goodtimeswithscar #cubfan135 #lab escape au #fic #glossywrites

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extrajigs · 1 year

Photo

Tying down pentapod anatomy and going to do so through the sophont of the group, who I wanna call Whorls. Thinking of giving them lil spiral eggs or something to justify the name. But just getting out basic anatomy so have a lil front/side view to enjoy and then organs below the cut!

1. Eyes- You know what these are. 2. Brain- This too! 3. Spinal cord/Nerves- Basically they have a ‘main’ cord running down their neck and branching off on either side to run to different sides of the body. Nerve also runs through the center of the hips branching out to run down each leg. 4. Voice Box- Basically a little chamber that they can manipulate the shape of to produce sounds. Two on either side connected to their lung. Talking involves different sounds out of each side, so lots of coordination. 5. Heart- 4 chambered heart, one major intake chamber that feeds into two different chambers who pump it over the lung before returning into the last chamber to pump it out into the body. 6. Lung- They have a single lung with four separate lobes, breathing involved inflating and deflating different lobes. 7. Liver- Filters blood, also functions as a kidney but directly feeds the waste into the stomach. They are very sensitive to poisoning with this settup as toxins will circulate through digestion a few times. 8. Stomach- Big basic vat, basic as in they use bases rather than acids to break down food. 9. Intestines- A big compact organ with long flaps extending into the center to soak up nutrients from the broth made in the stomach. Food remains a liquid for the entire digestion process as there is no effort to retain water. 10. Hips- The only bones in the body are the skull, jaws, shell, and hips. The hips are for muscle connection for the limbs and cradling the organs. 11. Mouth- Three tooth plates, two up top and one below, move independently to chew food. 12. Gizzard- A pouch to grind up tougher food, often puked up from the stomach, filled with bits of bone and shell from other animals as rocks are extremely rare. 13. Spear- All pentapods reproduce via traumatic insemination, this is the way that they stab each other for that. In species where parents partner up the process is no more than a quick jab where in others it can be a fatal affair. This is partially why the shell encasing vital organs is a common feature. 14. Testes- Sperm is made here! 15. Ovaries- Eggs are made here! 16. Reproductive Tract- Basically where the spear needs to hit to inseminate and where the eggs will be stored until they are ready to enter the world.

That’s the gist, there is some variation but this is the basic body plan that I am thinking. Subject to change however.

#whorl #i just like that word tbh #and its snaily #xenobiology #speculative biology #spec bio #alien

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leezlelatch · 1 year

Text

Copia x Reader: Lightweight

These anons share a very big brain, so I decided to combine the two and answer in one go!

Reader

✨- Okay, you might be a little drunk. You might be a lot drunk. But you just had a couple, you're fine, everything is bubbly and warm and Terzo said he had a funny idea and Lucifer preserve you, it's Copia.

✨- You half run, half stumble into him, his arms going around your waist tightly as you giggle at him, your cheeks flushed from the alcohol and the euphoria of being up close and personal with the most beautiful man in existence. His eyes are wide as he leans in to nuzzle his nose against yours, a crooked grin stretching across his freckled face as he coos, "Eccoti, mio piccolo peso leggero. I think you have had enough, si?"

✨- You glance around at the ongoing party, watching as Aether and Omega lift Terzo head first into a vat of vodka while Secondo dances with several siblings nearby. Primo sits in a cloud of smoke completely zen on a pile of pillows. The party was just getting started! A gentle hand grabs your chin as your attention is turned back to your date, thumb stroking a loving pattern below your lip.

"How about we go back to our rooms, hmm? Cuddles?" He bribes with a wink.

✨- Copia guides you through the hall, an arm around your waist while his other hand gently cradles one of yours. He leans to pepper a quick succession of kisses against the side of your face, the kissy noises making you laugh and sigh dreamily, singing his title. You feel him smile against your skin. He's so enraptured with you, his amore sciocco, tipsy and blushing, loose tongued with your praises that nearly bring tears to his eyes.

✨- Copia ushers you into the room, settling you down and removing your shoes, pressing delicate kisses to your ankles. He makes sure to grab plenty of water and pain relief for the morning as well as one of his shirts that you slip into with a happy, contented sigh that cradles his heart and squeezes until he can do nothing but lay beside you and pull you close, whispering his eternal love.

"Copia?" You ask, closing your eyes as the room spins just a little. "How many did I have?"

He sighs, "One."

Copia

🐀- As soon as he sees those fun colored drinks, Copia knows he has to try them. Which turns into trying several. He stands at the bar, leaning heavily against it as his finger presses into a droplet of condensation that runs down his empty glass.

"Another," he hiccups, not even loud enough for the bartender to hear him.

Secondo scowls beside him, he and his brothers having come out with you and Copia. He didn't intend on playing babysitter to the younger man.

"You have had enough," he growls, grabbing Copia and dragging him back to the table where you sit, depositing him in a chair with an unceremonial, "He is your problem."

🐀- Copia sits for several seconds in a daze, staring at his hands in his lap until your voice rouses him. His head snaps up and the most delighted gasp escapes him as he blearily takes you in. His amore. His beloved. His one and only. This is a touch-starved man who suddenly has all his inhibitions taken away with a few well-put-back drinks, and he is all over you in seconds. His nose is practically smashed against your cheek as he nuzzles into you, his lips moving against your skin. You can just make out slurred Italian, "Sei così bello. Non ti merito. Dolcezza mio, amore mio, mi ami? Ti amo tanto."

🐀- Copa takes you around the room and introduces you to complete strangers, raving about how you're his, that you chose to be with him. That he plans to be with you forever. He takes this all the way to the car, keeping you firmly in his lap as he leans over the back of the driver's seat to speak to Aether.

"Do you see them, amico mio? Do you see the absolute gift I've been given?"

"Yes, we've met," Aether responds dryly.

"But you do not understand," Copia insists. "I am so in love."

Copia then proceeds to bawl his eyes out while clutching you to him in the backseat of this car.

🐀- You have to drag him inside, his crying now turned to incredibly loud Italian singing. Maybe it's a love song? You aren't entirely sure, and you're tired, but you'd give the whole world to this man if he let you. Even drunk out of his mind, he's perfect to you. Your Copia. The man who you would gladly spend the rest of your life with. Getting him inside is difficult as he leans heavily against you, but you eventually dump him on your shared bed, his legs hanging off the end.

"Amore, where are you?" He groans at the ceiling, an arm over his eyes. The light was too bright. "I am so drunk." He giggles.

🐀- With much difficulty, you help him get undressed and climb into bed with him, letting him curl into your side, his head tucked against you. You cart your fingers through his hair, humming softly, and feel him press little kisses to your neck.

"I’m going to ask you to marry me," he says sleepily, his eyes closed.

You glance down at him, eyes wide, but he's already snoring.

Tomorrow is sure going to be interesting.

#the band ghost #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #copia #papa iv #copia headcanons #papa iv headcanons #papa iv imagine #copia imagine #cardinal copia x reader #papa emeritus iv x reader #poorly translated italian #drinking

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cupidsdescendant · 1 year

Text

Mercs helping with Periods (Part 3)

GENDER NEUTRAL :DD

AM I OKAY?!??!! (changing the name bc the original was about periods in general and not just cramps) THE LONG-AWAITED ENDING OF THE SERIES AHHHH- I wanted to do part 3 for hella long but my ass forgot for like....4 months lmao- (NSFW WARNING FOR MEDIC'S PART)

Spy:

-ugly stupid frenchman who doesn't care about anyone but himself

-but this is fandom so you think I really care? no.

-He's a womanizer, man. like his ass doesn't know what a period is.

-Anyways he's super romantic! Always showering you in kisses everywhere, stomach, neck, shoulders, everywhere!

-"Aw, Mon Cheri~ Vill this make you feel better ?" He lays you on his bed and pulls your shirt up kissing all around your hip bones and belly. You giggly tell him to stop cus it tickles.

-Whenever you lash out at him/get angry if he does something you don't like he smoothly gets out of being punished

-Like you could be fucking furious but his ass will make you fall for him once more in less than an hour

-Massage expert. Like. Massages anytime anywhere.

-He's the one that makes baths for you to relax your muscles in

-the few times he's physically romantic (like with the kissing) he hugs you and holds onto you more often

-He actually sleeps in the same bed as you! Win win!

-When you get hungry he makes you food <3 mostly french food but he's open to making you something you crave

-THEE. shoulder to cry on dude. He comforts you so much and whenever you latch onto him his body is all warm. presumably from all the smoking

-He doesn't want you to talk to the mercs while you're on your cycle because if they say something slightly offensive he doesn't want you to be hurt by them

-"You all must be less of imbeciles while shes around, le bien?" He says angrily pointing at everyone. They all nod nervously, they don't really want him sneaking up on them anyways

-Oh how he loves his Mon Cheri <3 everything just for them

Medic:

-the one i've been waiting for, for so long.

-As an ex doctor, Medic is always caring and loving with you

-He's the one that asks you to take pamprin or other menstrual medication

-He knows when your period comes after a bunch of tests, and after all as his love he wants to make sure he's always available!

-Coddles you 24/7, he treats you like you're bed ridden and only wants you to stay in so he can take care of you <3

-He's always trying to make sure you're okay. At the drop of a hat he would zoom off to you if you yell his name

-"Oh vat's wrong, liebling?" He says as he rubs your aching stomach. He would lay his head on your stomach and hum.

-Always feeding you, does the stupid airplane thing if you're acting angry

-Speaking of angry, if you lash out to him he usually ignores it and continues to baby you.

okay. I'm sorry but I had to write a NSFW part because he legit. like. the demons in my brain are telling me to (NSFW WARNING AHEAD)

-He's into period sex, he finds it fascinating. absolutely hot.

-He already has fun teasing you with blood on his hands after surgery, so having your own blood on him turns him on 100%

-likes the smell. yeah i know it's gross but what do you expect from a fucking freak doctor who stole a patients skeleton

-"Did jou know sex is a great way to relieve menstrual cramps?" He taunts you as he kisses you up against your neck.

-Knowing you're on you period turns him on so much. All he wants to do is fuck you until there's blood on over your thighs

-Now this man is disgusting and unsanitary but! He still gives you showers and baths, of course, he has to be in it with you.

-He likes watching the blood fall from your legs and down the drain, usually muttering the most unhinged horny things in german.

k I'm sorry. like. fr. Thanks 4 reading though!

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #spy tf2 #team fortress spy #team fortress medic #tf2 fanfiction #tf2 headcanons #tf2 medic #tf2 spy #fanfiction #team fortress 2 x reader #medic x reader #spy x reader #tf2 x reader #tf2 x you

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absolutebl · 2 years

Text

Love in the Air & also the smell of burning trash

MAME’s adaptation of her novels “Love Storm” (พายุรักโถมใจ) and “Love Sky” (พระพายหมายฟ้า) this is a duology focusing on two different couples and their storylines.

Well, fuck me.

This is your fault tumblr and I blame all y’all entirely. But yes, guess what this is?

Well, it’s me flouncing, but apart from that?

Another MAME dumpster fire marshmallow roasting trash watch.

Some of you even begged for it. Or maybe if I’m a MAME character, you didn’t beg for it but I’m gonna gaslight you into thinking you did and then ruthlessly kiss your neck.

Look. I DON”T KNOW WHAT’S GONG ON EITHER.

Good start, ABL.

Real good start.

You see what this show is doing to me already?

Fortunately for the few of you who like unconsenting trash-watch neck kisses, and unfortunately for the rest of you, the opening of this bloody show made me realize that I had to do a trash watch.

Take the neck kisses.

Take ‘em and like ‘em.

Without further ado, let’s get started.

Episode 1 - WHHHHYYYYYY???????

The longest establishing shot in the history of establishing shots, Kubrik take notes.

And what is it focused on? The gayest bridge in Thailand! (okay maybe not, but it looks a lot like it)

Did the overdramatic music make me laugh? Yes it did.

My brain on BL figuring out what is being trafficked inside those 3 big trucks.

A bunch of acoustic guitars?

Vats of pink milk?

Stacks of white towels and plastic bowls?

MAME’s morals, value system, and taste?

I’m a motorcycle rider and I’m still disappointed they were full of motorcycles.

Speaking of which, is anyone reminded of the trailer for that one Thai BL called Motorcycles from years ago? It never got made.

Cute meet cute in the rain with the umbrella. Styling trope drops, actually.

Takes me back it does...

Can’t knock MAME’s meet cutes.

Just everything else.

The Characters

Rain = Random assholery disguised as tsundere + flirting + homophobia wee. Also kinda stupid, dramatic, and slightly cute.

Matched with P’Phayu = a bisexual predator-slut (TM) because MAME can’t leave THAT one to dry for one fucking show. Bonus seme points for eyebrows even more aggressive than he is.

I like Sky = snarky bestie with solid moral compass and epic eye rolls. Maybe she’ll let him be cool? (Oh noes, I said something, he’s doomed.)

Random bratty kid in the seat behind Sky = I have seen that actor before, damn it. WHERE? OMG it’s Dr. Sing from Triage!

Look I’m beginning to get slightly weirded out over the age jumping Thai actors do.

He’s in high school,

he is an office,

he’s in uni,

he’s a doctor,

he’s back in high school.

Are MaxTul the only ones allowed to grow up?

Okay, grow up = wrong term entirely. Whatever. Don’t distract me with MaxTul, where was I?

Right, instead let’s talk MewGulf. Anyone else think MAME is gunning for that pairing style with this lead couple? PhayuRain giving me... vibes of the TharnType variety, shall we say? Not exactly, of course. So maybe not vibes, more sort of squint your eyes wiggles target practice?

Back to the... episode.

I’m losing the plot already. Fortunately for me, said plot is pretty banal, but what do I expect?

Also the pacing is odd. Things are moving physically faster than they should, but with no real establishing emotional connection. Again normal for MAME. It’s either emotional chemistry drawn out as unnecessary angst over the whole show, or physical chemistry shoved in your face like a wet waffle with an attitude problem.

I don’t know enough Thai slang to know if the double asshole entendre was on purpose with this dialogue.

But if it was, it might actually be the greatest line ever executed in a BL.

And I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for thinking that.

Get it? Ass-shamed.

To conclude:

Screw all you all, I’m dragging you down with me into this hell (ass)hole. And since I highly doubt there will be lube, this is gonna burn like the dumpster fire it is.

I refuse to take responsibility for anything I say or do around this dumb show, it’s @fandomwithjoy ‘s fault.

Episode 2 - in which I do some actual analysis about VO work as victim blaming and then get distracted by spankings and scoop neck t-shirts

Serious moment of film studies?

Do I think we are getting Rain’s voiceover (narration track AKA VO) because otherwise it’s too dub-con and this is MAME trying to avoid complaints? YES I DO. Basically we get Rain’s thoughts during the “almost rape” stuff so MAME can say:

“See? He actually wants it.”

Look, here’s the thing about having a character VO narrate anything, it’s clumsy. It smacks of not trusting the audience (to be clever enough to follow the story) or the actors (to be good enough to transmit the emotion) or the genre (to convey the world building in a show not tell manner). That’s why so many in the film industry are against it. (See the Bladerunner VO controversy.)

Do many of my favorite BLs do it? (Cough cough.. JAPAN.) Yes. But then I’m not as against it as many because I like super complex world building and I don’t mind some lazy technique in the pursuit of audience comprehension. Also yaoi was all about head hopping.

HOWEVER, I’ve never seen voiceover work used as an excuse for portraying dubious content before. Essentially this show is doing a victim blame version of VO.

Ballsy of you, MAME. VERY ballsy.

I don’t know if I should be impressed or appalled.

Typical.

The thing about MAME is, regardless of anything else you know you’re going to have a lot to talk about. I suppose that’s why she always summons a trash watch.

Quick add from the future:

I went off on Takara & Amagi because they manage to use VO to directly combat dubcon (or at least the issues with BL that lead to dubcon) in a GOOD way. So if you’re intersted in this technique working, you should 1. be watching that show and 2. read this post about it.

No booze tonight but that’s only because allowing BL to drive you to drink once a week is expected, but twice? That’s just schedule mismanagement.

So next week I might delay Unforgotten Night for Thursdays and just decree:

Thursdays = BOOZEY BADGAYDAY!

Trashlush Thursdays?

Eh, I’m more creative when I’m drunk.

Moving on to the new ep.

It’s a weird quirk of Thai that no matter what, they will not believe that work is not pluralized in English these days.

Every time it’s translated plural I think of little Victorian maiden aunts doing good works for their community, knitting, or darning, or tatting.

And now I’m picturing Payu draped fiber arts.

Back to Daddy Payu...

No.

I can’t.

He just doesn’t give daddy vibes. Bad boy vibe = yes, daddy = no.

Back to P’Payu disciplining his bad boy in the bathroom.

With... erm, neck breathing, I guess?

Still, oddly sexy.

Also... RESULT. Rain used polite (submissive) language.

Am I taken with the idea of Domming for linguistics? YES I AM.

Shall we try?

Nong Thailand, NO MORE “works” FOR YOU!

I will now breathe heavily on your neck until you stop sticking that “s” on the end.

Nope, that didn’t work. Works. Ha!

Question: Who the hell is directing this? It feels like Tee’s work but he’s not listed on MDL. ***

Look the thing about bratty militant tsunderes without reason like Rain (or Type for that matter) is I fail to see why anyone likes him or wants to be friends with him, let alone fuck him. Fuck with him, sure. But he’s not hot enough to get over a bad personality.

Sky deserves better friends!

The seme’s race track consult. Nods in the general direction of Cutie Pie, like anyone could out-seme Zee and Max, are they cray cray? Body language alone.

But could we talk about the sound in this not-Cutie Pie seme-conspiracy scene? It is so SO BAD. They just what? Hooked up some cheap-ass wireless mics during a wind storm and thought, why bother looping? Flipping heck. MAME’s got money, this is insulting,

Moving on swiftly please.

Poor Sky, abandoned by his so-called friend to be (presumably) seduced by greasy motorcycle dude with bad sound tech. (Yes I think that’s where they meet but we won’t see it until their section, which I’m guessing will be in the second half of the series. I believe we got a Star & Sky approach happening here.)

And now...

Slap that baby, make him scream!

(10 points to the first elder goth who gets the reference.)

But also...

A spanking!

I had to, okay.

To my knowledge this is the first spanking scene in BL (Japan doesn’t go in for spankings as a rule, everything else of course). Thus Monty Python is required on such an august occasion.

This is a serious, hallmarked event in the history of the genre.

Heh he. Hall...marked. Get it?

Okay, I did find it cute that Payu chose a scoop-neck T for his boy, clearly we got a neck fetish going on.

That’s it.

That’s all I got. It was what it was, I’m not mad about it, just a little... okaaaayyyy. It’s MAME, no whiff of consent shall there be. I’m not excusing it but dub-con has just GOT to be her kink.

Gotta go, works are waiting.

*** Spies reported in:

Apparently the director is Neti Suwanjinda. He's new to BL who previously seems only to have done short films and music videos. Prior to that, he was bassist in the 2000s rock band Am Fine. Good times.

NO SINGING

Episode 3 - Linguistic Domination is a Go!

am one and a half glasses of wine in and ready to do this thing!

Sky is the best boy and also kinda a little shit. Good combo. Like red wine and dark chocolate.

Sky, are you trying to remind us that there is meant to be a plot?

Please don’t.

I love how they called out English 3rd person gendered pronouns in one tricky little scene.

THAI LINGUISTICS DOMINATION CORNER!

Okay so when he is being polite Rain uses Phi/pom + krap (with he full roll).

When he not being polite he still uses phi but he’s slipping in wa (instead of na, which makes it rude and informal) and not using krap at all (which makes it curt and impolite).

So the little training session was about particle use.

Cute.

Then we got a date, I was very distracted by interesting food choices ordered off that menu, and am mad we did not get a good shot of the table after they were served the dishes.

I’m starting to get tsundere Can vibes from Rain, and tsundere Tharn vibes from Payu. Not sure what that means except MAME only has about 6 character personalities she rotates though. We kinda knew that already.

Well, this is BL.

OH WAIT, is Sky gonna be like a snarky Pete character? Wouldn’t that be grand?

And Dr Sing is playing the Techno of this drama. As always: never enough Techno.

I’m not gonna explain that statement, it’s like 5 BLs deep.

All in all not a bad episode (not a good one, either).

Shoulda had more spanking, tho. And more wine.

Ooo, wine!

Meanwhile:

I just realized the actor playing Payu kinda reminds me of Seonghwa from Ateez and now I can’t stop imagining him in a cropped shirt and vinyl, and it’s BAD people.

Episode 4 - I just... ARGH

Payu is just such a manipulative hot/cold arse. I don’t even like Rain and I think it’s cruel the way Payu jerks him around. You don’t train someone up and then abandon them for any reason. Payu is really pissing me off.

Their chemistry is good though. That age old agony with MAME.

I am going to state for the record that no one deserves Sky. Sky is too good for this show let alone his friends or boyfriends. MAME should leave my precious Sky ALONE. Sky is best cinnamon roll ever frosted.

Meanwhile, cruel or not, I guess Payu’s training technique is working. I just wish it had been negotiated. I think I’d really like this show if they’d had a five sentence kink convo verbal contract in ep 1.

It’s a dangerous game that we play

when we seek to rewrite MAME

for the characters stick

to just one pony trick

only chemistry will save the day

Although I’m not sure ‘bout that sex scene.

no opening condoms with teeth, I don’t care how sexy

no one can one-hand a glove that fast, not even a pro

no lube and no prep?

Look I’m just gonna pretend Payu was riding, makes me feel better about everything. Then I can pretend he took care of the necessities ahead of time. Or maybe it was just frotting?

Episode 5 - In which MAME as officially ruined my favorite thing

I’m not drunk but I am jet lagged and that’s almost the same thing.

I see why they don’t have the seme actor with his hair down often, he looks way too young.

Oh dear, baby was caught in the rain. Baby got sick. This is BL. Bound to happen.

The horsing around flirty boyfriends is VERY cute.

I didn’t get any more from the meeha bits than was translated. My stuff on wifey language in Thai BL is here.

These two are good kissers but it’s getting to be a lot of kissing.

Sky puts up with epic amounts of shit.

I guess MAME is preparing him for his own story line?

Get it?

Moving swiftly on from my crassness.

Also Sky, baby, your friend was silly long before he got a faen.

Oh yay!!!! A counter lift! That’s almsot as good as a spanking!

Hooray!

WAIT.

What is this?

NO SINGING.

I now know the only time I don’t love a counter lift is WHEN IT IS COMBINED WITH SINGING.

MAME has ruined my favorite thing!

(To be fair she’s been ruining perfectly good BL for ages now, so I guess she already was ruining my favorite thing... gah, where was i?)

A perfectly lovely counter lift mutilated by acapella.

I feel like I should write an ode, or a dirge. But I wouldn’t ruin your day by singing it.

OMG I’M SO UPSET RIGHT NOW.

Don’t laugh, I can see you laughing.

I’m spiraling into a deep depression as a result of counter lifting Thai soloists.

There will be nightmares. I tell you. Nightmares.

I should have been drinking.

Stupid MAME. It was actually a perfectly serviceable episode.

Until the singing.

I’m going to bed now.

Episode 6 - We Are Now Calling this show “The Taming of the Screw”

And by “we” I mean me. And you can’t stop me. Can never stop the bad puns, for they MUST live!

(source)

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