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vitaminseetarot · 4 months

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PAC: Your January Forecast 🎇❄🦢

Sup y'all, I'm back for the very last PAC I'm gonna write for 2023. By the end of the weekend, we will have shifted to a whole new year, with a new moon close in tow. I'm gonna be honest, this has been a rough year for me, but not without its bright spots. Like the birth of this blog, for one! I'm already planning the 1 Year Special.

The plan is only to expand from here to see what more there is to do! There was a lot I wanted to do this year but didn't get around to doing because of life, so I have a lot lined up for January.

Thank you for your support this past year in helping my blog grow! The circle is small, but each like and reblog makes a difference, especially to newcomers like me.

Please choose your swan ornament below to find out about how your January will look for the new year. Instead of Tarot today, I'll be using my Black Salt Lenormand deck and Astro Dice to get details along with oracles for advice.

Pile 1 - Black Swan Pile 2 - White Swan Pile 3 - Gold Swan

Pile 1 - Black Swan

Death, Sun; 49. Sun A♦, Cross 6♣, Crossroads Q♦; Uranus, 11th House, Aquarius

Hi, pile 1! Hope you're feeling alive and well for 2024. I kinda called this the "zombie pile" while drawing cause I'm getting this sluggish energy dragging along. Mumbling, creeping, hair disheveled. Goodness, this past year had you wiped out, didn't it? If you're feeling pressured for a resolution, I wouldn't, because for you I think simply sloughing off the old year like snake skin is your main priority for January. I'm hearing Usher's lyrics: "I feel like a zombie come back to life." Maybe you could treat this month like an extended New Year's Eve party. You can't force yourself to be excited for it, but you can slowly build up to it.

There is an emphasis on positive thinking with this pile. You have two Suns from different decks. Doing what brings you simple joy will be healing for you this month. Focusing on little joys can help you shift perspective. Being in the present is very important right now, and you're being asked not to think too much about last year as it will only drain you of further energy. You can't draw healing to yourself if you're spending all your Magic Points on looking backwards for answers. It it feels difficult to be positive, think outside the box at how you can move away from past thinking, like making a vision board for what you most desire to experience this year.

One of the real impressive things about your reading are the dice. You have Uranus, its natural house 11, and its sign Aquarius. Emphasis on CHANGE, much? You know how in movies, where the main character is falling into darkness and has relinquished all hope of being saved, and just as it fades to black someone swoops in to help them while casually laughing off "hah, yeah, I just happened to be in the neighborhood when I saw you falling into an infinite chasm, y'know?"

The word "Deus Ex Machina" is also popping up, or "god out of machine". It's a Latin term referring to an ancient Greek theater technique where a crane would lower an actor dressed as a deity onto the stage during the final act of a comedy, delivering sudden divine intervention and saving the day for the heroes. In other words, there is massive and very unexpected change for you, one that's gonna pull you out of the sluggish stupor of 2023. This is why resolutions aren't important for you now; whatever 2024 will be for you, it's coming in lightning hot and will do that for you.

And I think this change, however large and surprising, will be ultimately wonderful for you. There is so much sunlight emerging from this fog, new life will be breathed in for you by divine planning. It's going to help you work through some of the damage that last year left behind. It will also help you pivot to your next chapter in life. It may feel weird going into a new year with very little expectations, not knowing where you're going to end up next, but it'll be worth it. When the door swings open for you, it will BURST open, so stay on the bright side and focus on regenerating your health for now.

May your new year be shockingly bright, pile 1!

Pile 2 - White Swan

Strength, 25. Sapphire; Garden 8♠, Anchor 9♠, Person A♥; Gemini, 12th House, Pluto

Hello, pile 2! This month will be a quiet one for you, in a good way. This will be a time of retreat for you. If you found yourself being rather social at the end of 2023, expect the new year to start off with a whimper. I see you going into a hermit mode and disengaging from regular activities, especially involving other people. I get the sense that this pile is the type to want to overextend and please everyone around them. If you need a resolution suggestion from me, it's to put the brakes on now before you careen over the edge. January is putting a halt to this behavior.

Yes, you are strong. No, you do not always need to be strong for everybody else. It will wear you thin to even try, and you may end up resentful over it. It's not worth the struggle. I'm not asking you to snap at anyone who comes too close, but consider not adding more of other peoples' errands to your schedule. Consider saying, "actually, I can't go today," without feeling the need to explain why. You have a right to your own personal space away from distractions now.

This pile could belong to a group of people or community that's close to you, which could be going through a lot of hell or has been in the past year. They may have asked a lot from you with few other options. It's made you have to stand up and advocate, at the cost of your own issues being put on the back burner. It is not selfish to walk away for a while and take care of yourself, doubly so if the group in question deals with a lot of arguing and gossip. If it feels bad, trust your gut and keep your distance for now. Don't try to solve big arguments while Mercury is retrograding.

I know how Pluto in the 12th house is, as it's prominent in my chart. Imagine walking downstairs to get to your basement, only for the stairs to never end until you find yourself floating in a weird little wonderland. Somewhere, in that surreal underground mindscape, is a deeply entrenched karmic pattern that may elude you at first. Some shadow work may be required here to dig through the trenches for unpolished gems. If a pesky pattern is repeating in your life, it's time to withdraw and connect to your dreams and subconscious for clues. This pattern may have something to do with this group.

You're actually going to get more progress done by meditating and seeking out nature rather than getting too involved with these issues. The time will come when things can be handled with a clearer mindset. But your higher self is pulling you inward to help ground you through this, to remind you that you are your own amazing being even when you're separate from these people. You have the strength to stand on your own, otherwise there wouldn't be so many folks seeking you out in need. Sapphire wants you to marry your heart with your mind. It's a stone of wisdom guided by compassionate understanding and care. You spin your wheels overthinking an issue, when instead coming back to your heartspace will provide the key.

Take it easy this winter, pile 2, may your dreams give clarity and hope for 2024!

Pile 3 - Gold Swan

Protection, 15. Opal; Bouquet Q♠, Person A♥, Crossroads Q♦; 4th House, Capricorn, Mercury

What's going on, pile 3? Looks like somebody wants to enter hibernation mode, lol. I don't blame you one bit. As the full moon in Cancer has passed and the season changes, there's a strong desire to nestle into the home. Your house will be like your castle for you to improve during this month. You may feel up to redecorating or rearranging furniture to make it feel more cozy or season appropriate as you settle in. Or you may simply desire to clear out old things to decide what to keep.

You may want to do a spiritual cleansing of the house to ring in the New Year, too. Try infusing magic herbs like lemon verbena into your cleaning products, or toss cinnamon outside the front door while ringing a bell to invite prosperity in. A simple incense stick with a very fresh, mild scent like lavender can also do the trick. Does your family have a special trick or recipe they use? Whatever herb and scent combination brings out that "New Year New Me" feeling is best!

I heard loud and clearly, "YOU'RE PROTECTED!" for whomever needs to hear it most. Things might feel shaky and ungrounded at the moment. I wanna wrap a big blanket around y'all. You're being totally protected right now by your guides, so please don't let the uncertainties of 2024 leave your head dizzied. Yes, there's a lot of plans to be drawn out and a lot more work to be done, and you may not know where you're heading next, but perhaps there's a reason we like to begin the year at such a slow quiet time, after all the festivities have passed. It's not sound to start off in a rush.

You're being heavily affected by Sun in Capricorn doubled with the current Mercury retrograde, regardless of your chart placements. This is absolutely not a time for rash decision making, even if it feels you're not being your most productive. Our modern society doesn't like it when workers take a break or listen to their body's needs in any way. It will always have its excuses for its ruthless standards. After a while, though, you have to learn to shrug those expectations off and do what's right for you, or you'll risk burning out before the new year has even started.

Some of you might be thinking of even doing the Dry January trend as part of your resolution. If it's a serious issue, I'd talk to your doctor about how to do it sustainably. If you're already stressed and at risk of burnout, more pressure is not going to help. But a sober month could prove beneficial for you overall. This is not a command for you to have a Dry January if you're not interested; this message is for those who already plan on doing so. Try to take it one day at a time, keep your head free of self criticism, and don't guilt yourself over "cheat days". I will be doing one as well, so please reach out if you need a supporting voice.

Wishing you all the best to come this year pile 3, may you succeed in your resolutions!

This reading has not been evaluated by the FDA to diagnose, prevent, treat, or cure any disease or infection. Please ask your physician before going online.

Cards Used: Black Salt Lenormand, Prism Oracle, Crystal Healing Cards, Astro Dice.

2023, @VitaminseeTarot ™

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elkian · 4 months

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Rereading The Murderbot Diaries now that I have System Collapse and once again struck by how Murderbot reads expression.

As an ND person myself who sees a lot of overlap with it at times, it's very interesting to me. I've repeatedly had issues where the expressions I was making or interpreting did not match other people's ideas, and my mother has never in my whole life correctly deduced my tone of voice. Not once. I think one reason I'm drawn (haha) to animated and stylized mediums is because stylistic representations of people have to have expressions that scan immediately to as much of the audience as possible.

(Thinking about that bit where Murderbot comments on humans not knowing what they're trying to express when they're in Real Life and not actors on a soap opera set.)

Anyways, it makes sense that Murderbot might have some skill at interpreting expressions and microexpressions and so on. Those are viable and valuable security skills, after all. But it strikes me how accurate it seems to be at doing so. Since the series is almost entirely in Murderbot's perspective, it's less likely to mention being wrong, but it regularly confidently refers to expressions by the emotion it inferred from them.

As someone who is not good at this, it's very interesting to me when I have a lot of traits overlapping with MB. (It's also worth discussing how ND folk, and specifically autistic people, are often pigeonholed to the point that expressing Uncommon Autistic Traits makes people believe you aren't autistic.) Murderbot talks a lot about not liking people or being interested in strange humans, but it often contradicts itself without realizing. I think one reason it claims not to care about humans is because it's often been in positions where its clients could be harmed incidentally or intentionally and it would not be allowed to intercede due to Capitalism Hell, or malice/indifference from the top.

It says it has to do what humans tell it, and that's technically true, but there's a further power dynamic within groups; the boss has all the power and, presumably, the highest level of management in a group has the authority to order SecUnits to do things against their actual design - fighting other SecUnits, ignoring safety protocol in order to save money, and leaving bleeding humans unattended to go pick up equipment are all canonical examples that Murderbot provides us. I wouldn't be at all surprised if killing or harming less influential members of the group in question were totally common and viable.

This is all to mean that it isn't emotionally safe to care about humans, because even if it does its tasks completely successfully, they might be at risk due to the negligence inherent in the system. But Murderbot spends half a dozen books trying and failing Not To Care, so it just refuses to acknowledge that it does care for a long time.

Anyways, I don't have any pithy conclusions, I just find it super interesting that MB talks about having a hard time understanding humans, and ART canonically has difficulty processing human emotional contexts when not familiar with the relevant situations, and yet Murderbot, canonically, is often successful at reading emotion in the expressions of the people around it and itself in recordings. It's not a trait given to many ND characters, particularly autistic or autistic-analogue ones, and it adds some fun texture to the storytelling.

#elk text #tmd #the murderbot diaries #murderbot #secunit #do not clown on this post

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dwreader · 1 month

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Interview with the Vampire Episode 2 Podcast Transcript

Special Guests: Sam Reid and Jewelle Gomez

"Being a vampire is hard, its very difficult to endure and exist forever basically and you need to have quite a lot of strength and internal power to endure and Lestat recognizes that in Louis. When he sees him on the street and thinks that very very very beautiful man just pulled a knife on his brother in the middle of the street to look powerful to save his own skin and he has enough strength to do that and Lestat thinks this guy has enough strength to endure. And he's also got the hots for him really badly..." -Sam Reid

Sam Reid Interview

N: Sam Reid, thank you so much.

S: Thank you for having me.

N: Don't you be nice, I'm coming in here and I'm mad at you. My question is this- how dare you?

S: What are you referring to exactly?

N: Here's what I think of Lestat, I think Lestat is a messy bitch who lives for drama. What did you know about Lestat coming into the audition?

S: I know the books, I've known them for a very long time. I heard they were making it and I said I hoped I would get the chance to an audition for it. The thing that freaked me about the auditon was the majority of it was in French. It had all the lines in English but it said in paranthesis in French. I studied French in school and my sister speaks fluent French but I am not fluent so that was a bit stressful.

N: You and Jacob did your chemistry tests over Zoom, I mean does anyone have chemistry over Zoom? That must've been so tough.

S: Yeah,. I don't know what they were looking for or how to gauge chemistry from that cause it was really glitchy and speaking over each other and trying really hard to act into the camera which just wasn't really working. Jacob is such a lovely person and a fantastic actor and just an easy person to be around so I could tell he was gonna be a very easy person to fall in love with. It was fun, in fact I just came with having ice cream with Jacob. And he says hello

N: Omg I'm obsessed, give me this footage, I want ice cream footage, I want strolling the streets of downtown New Orleans footage.

S: And we hang out all the time, we've become very good friends. Cause it is a crazy journery we're on and its a crazy job so it's nice have a very good friend.

N: So Lestat has a life well before the show starts and he's been on this journey and you have the different versions of Lestat from the book and you have this amalgation. What sort of conversations did you have w/ the showrunner Rolin Jones about your version of Lestat?

S: The premise is for Louis to revisit the interview so Louis has a more nuanced way of describing Lestat so my question was how much of this is the real Lestat and how much of is Louis' version of Lestat? Because obviously this is a memory. This is all through Louis's eyes so is this actually how Lestat is like or is he different? and I think we play with that on and off. What's really important about this season is you're playing a character seen through somebody else's eyes.

N: Right right right, Gordian knot. It's a bit of a layer.

S: And everyone kept telling me stop thinking about it too much don't think about it and I didn't and I don't think about it too much when I'm doing. There will come a day when I think Lestat turns around and goes actually this is how it fucking happend.

N: Okay well Sam, you're just making me so mad cause you're too kind and too funny. cause I was coming in with hard hitting questions and I was livid at Lestat. This is what's so fun about the show and what its doing so right as a genre story, is the humor and the personality. [coffin scene plays] I mean Lestat is out here, it's such a funny monent for Lestat its like OK you wanna own a club? I was like Louis you have unlimited power and you want a club? Dream bigger!

S: I think it goes to show how in love Lestat is with Louis that he's gonna give him these things that mean absolutely nothing in the context of vampire world. But what Lestat doesn't understand is that what Louis needs is that power and is control over his life. There's a lesson for both of them and in this moment, Lestat doesn't understand.

N: Here's another question I have.. I just need you to tell me, where is Lestat's money coming from??

S: He's got investments and he's got bankers and lawyers in France. When he got turned into a vampire, he was given like the most ginormous amount of money like an entire room of treat.

N: You're giving us so much backstory, I didn't even know that.

S: If you think about inflation over the years its just like an obscene obscene amount of money. And if you've lived through the centuries you're able to follow the trends of markets..

N: That's why I would be a vampire or travel through time, like people say they would kill Hitler and yes I would do that too but I would also get some good property, like get some good spaces like I'd go back to like 1899 when its cheap and buy it all up. One Park Ave apartment!

S: Thats why all vampires are pretty damn rich, like Louis in 2022 in Dubai he is really mega rich, he's got Francis Bacons.

N: I didn't even clock it. You also know he's rich cause his penthouse is so cold. Rich people really love stone floors and sharp edges, you know they want you to know if you're poor you could die in here.

S: Exactly, and you're never comfortable..

N: Why do you think Lestat chose Louis cause as a viewer there's a question from moment one - do these men really love each other, are they just entangled, the whole time you're watching.. do I want them to be together?

S: Being a vampire is hard, its very difficult to endure and exist forever basically and you need to have quite a lot of strength and internal power to endure and Lestat recognizes that in Louis. When he sees him on the street and thinks that very very very beautiful man just pulled a knife on his brother in the middle of the street to look powerful to save his own skin and he has enough strength to do that and Lestat thinks this guy has enough strength to endure. And he's also got the hots for him really badly. He tries really hard to be a good normal guy as best as he can and I think when he has dinner with his familiy and he screws up, he does actually feel quite bad that he's made a mess of that cause he was trying really hard to be on his best behavior. Instead he hypnotizes his brother and makes a big scene. He's starts making innuendos and brings up God, which is never a good thing with Lestat. So he does his absolute best to pretend he's drinking wine and eating food.

N: What was it like to go from covid isolation to sex scenes?

S: Um, hmm. The sex scenes were kind of the easier part and we were all in the same bubble together and we were getting tested all the time like daily. It was a funny time cause we had these mad contacts on and they're quite cloudy. Jacob and I really clung to each other a lot of the time cause we couldn't really see, everyone else had masks on and you could only the person just in front of you. So it was this very comedic languid dream like place.

N: Can we talk more about the contacts, the makeup.. I cannot take the nails, the long nails, the cutting everyone.

S: The nails were a real process, originally they were press on / stick on nails and I had so many action I was always grabbing stuff and they were constantly popping off and so they said you should get acryllic. It took me a long long time to get used to acryllic nails and a lot of people would just come up and talk to me, like I would be in a restaurant and someone would just be like hey I love your nails. it was free reign for people to come up and chat so I became a nicer looking person with the nails.

N: It's like nails and hair. You always had short hair right?

S: Yeah it's usually always short. My hair was short when I first arrived in and it grew out over the course of the show, so we extended it with extensions and then it was my own hair. At first Rolin was like you know I think you could have short hair your hair looks good, I was like no no no no.. I think if you're gonna play a character like Lestat you kind of have to have the nails and the hair. And he likes to accentuate things if he's really pissed off he'll flip it all the way back you know.

N: And there are time we are almost getting drag queen level drama from Lestat, he wants you and everyone in a 10 mile radius to know when he's mad.

S: It's drama, he loves drama. I love him very dearly so I don't want to say anything bad about him but he wants to create a bit of drama he'll create a bit of drama. And if he wants to be really seductive in a moment and flip it and be really ugly, he will. He does what he wants whenever he wants and he'll make sure everyone's watching him do it cause he know he looks great doing it. He's a super vain guy but his heart is in the right place I would say.

N: Nope Sam, nope. Okay. Sam. I'm gonna have to push back. I know you played him but I'm saying you're wrong. .. One thing I think Rolin does so well that you and Jacob capture is this is now an interracial relationship, it charges these questions Anne was already asking - what is it to be human, what is power, what are relationships. [incinerator argument scene plays] Do you think that being a vampire being hundreds of years old, that Lestat think of himself as above race?

S: I don't know if he thinks of it like that, I think he definitely acknowledges the prejudices that exist, he acknolwedges it as soon as he meets Louis and I think once you become a vampire, that you can transcend that, thats what Lestat fully misunderstands about Louis' situation. I think he has a lot to learn in that regard.

N: Lestat is kinda like humans are trifles, we don't have time for it. Louis believes humanity is worthwhile and still wants to be apart of it.

S: I think he just doesn't understand yet, I think Louis at this point doesn't understand the enormity of living forever. He's just become a vampire, his family is still around, I think once you see everyone around you grow old die you see wars break outriots break out, you see the ages through the century, you see humanity is in this fucked up cycle that continues on the same hamster wheel. You're this fantastic creature that exists outside of humanity, why do you need to bother engaging with the small little fancies of these human beings. Then Lestat, there's his choice, I'm gonna live it up and have a good time and make a joke about it find it funny. He is very oscillating though so sometimes the joke is at his expense and sometimes the joke is at everyone else's expensve but he is the one who's always laughing. But what I will say is what Lestat feels about humanity is through art, like there is a beautiful pure expression and he really repsects and admires that and love musicians and artists. [opera scene plays] I mean what an amazing gift to read a scene like that I couldn't believe it when I was reading it and then it dawned on me that I would have to play the piano, sing, and speak Italian and kill somebody. Yeah, don't screw it up or you will die. But if you're a good musician in his eyes, he will make sure you're fully appreciated. If you're bad, yes you will die.

N: So the stakes are pretty chill. Either you're good and have a patron for life or you're bad and you die.

[teasing future episodes]

Jewelle Gomez Interview Highlights

N: In this episode, we learn a lot about vampires. I'm wondering how common these are in other vampire stories, like are they things Anne codified or have they been around. First, Lestat saying he had been so lonely, he says there are only about 100 other vampires in the world. What? I thought there were so many more?

J: I think the general idea has been vampires don't create much in the way of community that tehy are individualists in a great sense. No one ever really talks about the numbers but they seem to be very small so I think the tendency is to be inviduals.

N: They said the vampires can't drink the blood of the dead?

J: Yeah, thats a no no. You just don't be doing that. The heart has still got to be beating while you're taking the blood. Cause the blood from a dead person will draw you into death. That's pretty common, everyone knows that.

N: I thought maybe it was a taste issue like its a little sticky its a little coagulated that its not as good. But okay. Another tidbit we get is vampires can't read the minds of someone they've made. So like lestat can't read louis' mind?

J: I dont know if that is a general rule about makers. In general, vampires can read anybody's thoughts based on my extensive research/

N: Vampires live in coffins but do they need to sleep in coffins. I thought that was an old school idea like if you were a modern vampire you'd be like this is my studio apartment.

J: Every novel you read they sleep in coffins, although when I was writing a black lesbian vampire moving into the 20th century having escaped from slavery, she would not be sleeping in no coffin! I was like no no no no no. The big thing about coffin is the security, if you can get in there and lock it. In Dracula he carries his home soil so his coffin is lined with. In my books, I put her on a futon and its pretty uncomfortable but so is a coffin, behind a very thick door and she's good to go.

N: Alright thats the end of our lightning round, okay now Jewelle, what is your relationship with TVC and Anne Rice in general?

J: I read IWTV certainly when it first came out and I had written a single story a vampire story that got published in the Village Voice and then I thought I could write more of these cause people really liked it. Anne Rice's writing made me realize how sensual the vampire story could be and that meant the texture to a lot of my own writing of vampire stories.

N: What is it about vampires for you that you feel like lends itself to exploring queerness and sexuality more so than other monsters?

J: I think vampires have a natural sensuality. I mean the very act of taking blood is skin against skin, touching. The way that vampire interactions are set up is like a seduction in most cases. Bringing someone into vampire life involves an exchange of liquids, the lips touching, parts of the body, its sensual by its very nature. It draws in anyone who is interested in any sensual writing, queer writers allows us to create an outsider figure who's also the hero of the story. For we as queer people, being an outside being at the center our of own story.

N: Certainly this version of IWTV is doing its own thing but very much rooted in Anne's books. Before it was a little implicit, it was coded that Louis and Lestat had something going on. Here it's like this is what its about.

J: I think Louis and Lestat's relationship is core to the story and what moves the story and because its the 21st century we can now look at how two men come together and can find each other. What's really moving about this particular version is when Lestat talks about how lonely he has been for so long and I think he's giving voice to what a lot of queer people feel before they find their queer lover. So its very very moving to be able to experience that loneliness before he's able to find the lover he's been looking for.

N: There's so many ethical questions about being a vampire, like you're a vampire that doesn't wanna kill people. Do you think a vampire has to kill people in order to be really powerful?

J: I don't think so. A vampire has the power to take blood and not kill. To take small amounts from lots of people and not kill. And that's the way I wanted my character to go cause she's creating community, I think the idea that Louis could take blood and not kill, he does finally get to that when we see the interview w/ the older Molloy. I also know that all of us donate blood to the Red Cross we don't die when we give a pint of blood. So I think its possible to donate that amount of blood to a vampire and still live. That made more sense to me, that's how I created my vampires.

N: I love the idea that a vampire would take your blood and give you Orange Juice and cookies. Like here's a couple dried biscuits, take a seat for 10 minutes.

#rewind the tape #vampterview

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laundrybiscuits · 1 year

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Just curious and i like hearing your thoughts on this stuff. May i ask what aspect of steddie fanon you're referring to (which don't fit IRL queer culture so accurately)?

Ahaha...okay so. IMPORTANT NOTE: fandom is not that crucial, do whatever you want, run free through daisy fields of whatever headcanons and characterizations you please. Also, fic is not real life and that's okay!!

That being said, fandom can get slightly weird about sex, especially queer sexual cultures and especially historical queer sexual cultures. I mean, I get it! Our current hegemonic understanding of sexuality is actually pretty recent; I studied sexuality from a sociological perspective as part of my undergrad degree, focusing on moral panics (gosh I wonder why Eddie's character arc appeals to me! so mysterious!), and I know just enough to know that I don't know shit. So I certainly don't expect anyone to be doing paradigm-shifting sociohistorical research for a fic. That would be ridiculous.

All of this is leading up to say that based on 1) the relayed experiences of queer mentors who were in the scene in the 80s 2) the secondary sources I’ve researched 3) personally having many gay male friends who love oversharing through the last ~15 years, I believe that if canon-compliant gay Eddie Munson is a virgin, it’s largely by choice.

I've seen it suggested that Eddie's poor academic performance and nerdy interests would be, essentially, a dick deterrent. And like...I enjoy Eddie’s weirdo loser vibe as much as the next fan. I fully support him not being in any way smooth or cool with boys. But even when I myself was in my late teens/early twenties, many of my closest friends were awkward nerdy twinks who absolutely managed to get laid every weekend because MSM* hookup culture is eternal.

And in the early 80s, when Eddie would’ve been in his late teens, MSM hookup culture was at its peak. AIDS still wasn’t being taken that seriously, and transmission etc. wasn’t really understood because…well, you know this story. It’s not a good story. Fuck Reagan.

In short, I really can’t emphasize enough how certain types of sexual contact were extremely available for men seeking sex with men. A pretty young thing like Eddie could have literally as much sex as he wanted. Nobody is asking him for a high school transcript or anything about his hobbies, they’re asking if he tops.

Now, would Eddie actually participate in the hookup culture of the time? That's a more complicated and speculative question, and not actually what you asked, but I'm going to talk about it briefly anyway.

In the 'yes' column: he has his own vehicle**, zero supervision, and a penchant for risky behavior.

In the 'no' column: the boy has at least three extremely involved hobbies eating up his spare time and energy; he's also a not-so-secret romantic.

Personally, I can see the pseudo-intimacy appealing to Eddie's tendency to keep people at arm's length, and I think it’s very plausible for him to be curious and experimental enough to want to explore a bit. I tend to land on 'tried it a few times, doesn't make a habit of it' in my backstories. I also tend to hint at the softer, friendlier side of hookup culture in my fics, just because I don’t often see it represented.

Of course it’s like any other scene, there are bad actors and generally shitty people/situations, and sometimes the MSM scene specifically can be a bit of a soul-draining meat market. (ETA, because I am not white and neither are the vast majority of my friends and I felt increasingly weird not mentioning it even though it's not relevant to Eddie's situation: the scene is often also super racist, among other things! But that's a whooole other complicated kettle of fish, and again, not relevant to Eddie's situation.)

But there’s also space for casual sex to be part of a friendly relationship, in a way that I don’t really see in hetero circles. It’s hard to explain. It’s one of those dynamics that basically never shows up in mainstream media at all, so I absolutely don’t blame fics that don’t show it either. It’s just one of those things.

This is a step to the left, but I recommend checking out Dykes To Watch Out For: it’s practically an anthropological document depicting dyke culture in the 80s, it’s often funny as hell, and it’s just a fantastically detailed and relatively accessible window into a particular way of life that doesn’t really exist anymore.

*MSM = men who have sex with men. It’s a sociological designation; not everyone in this category identifies as gay, bi, queer, etc. It may be useful to think about sexuality as having three distinct components: behavior, identity, and desire. The term “MSM” puts focus on the behavioral aspect, because it’s most relevant in this context.

**As someone who has experienced several other countries' driving cultures, I just want to emphasize to non-Americans how willing many Americans are to drive for multiple hours for basically any reason whatsoever.

#askbox #GOD this got long #I will absolutely delete this and go on a blocking spree with zero notice if it sparks any discourse whatsoever #I'm not even tagging it as meta #I just get so freaking paranoid when talking about sex/sexuality publicly on this hellsite #ETA new tag:#ST meta for TS

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matan4il · 2 years

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Buddie 602 meta

I mentioned with this gif that Buck and Eddie really were more than battlefield boyfriends in this ep, they were work husbands. Yes, they did their thing where they turned around in sync shortly after they arrived at the “lust tunnel” call, but even after they were back at the station, they observed a sleeping Hen together, somewhere between worried about her and poking fun at her. See, the show could have had Chim there for this bit as well. It did have him there when the guys later spill popcorn over Hen. But no, we get a tiny reminder that the only ones who are truly attached at the hip, who naturally turn to each other, who choose to be that joined together every chance they get, on and off the field, are Buck and Eddie. ~ ~

Remember back in ep 102, Buck talked about how, unlike with the Navy SEALS, what he loved about being a firefighter is that he got to be the tough guy, but also to help people (without becoming a machine)? I was hit by how much this parallels Eddie, who also had emotional issues due to his service in the army, but on calls like the “love tunnel” one, he still gets to be the tough guy, binding the hands of an attempted murderer, while serving as a peace officer. I just love how much the show stresses that Buddie will always get each other better than anyone else will, because they’re just so similar when it comes to the most important things in life in terms of who they are and what they need. They’re essentially made for each other. ~ ~

Buck resorting to a self help book reminded me of him in 406, reading about the different love languages. I thought it was an interesting link (even visually) to remind us that while his journey is leading him to currently choose being single, it is ultimately connected to his desire for romantic love as well. Not because every self-discovery search has to, but we’re reminded that for him personally, that’s something that he deeply craves. His journey will be complete when in addition to himself, he’ll find and get to enjoy this love that he’s been dreaming of for so long. ~ ~

Allow me to go wild (and geeky) for a second. The guy that they treat (and fail to save) at the happiness convention? His name is Lev. I might have mentioned in the past that I’m a name geek (I even once contemplated making a resource post for fans and creators in the 911 fandom about the meaning and origin of characters’ names on the show), so right away, my ears pricked up. I know that it’s revealed the patient’s name is ‘Nathan Levinson.’ But it’s a late reveal, towards the very end of the ep. For most of that call, they refer to him as ‘Lev,’ which is actually a first name as well. It has two possible meanings, depending on its origin. One is that it comes from Russian and means lion. Which might be a play on the name of the actor portraying Lev. He’s called Arye, and his name in Hebrew means lion. If this is what the show was going for, it would be pretty cool, and it would def indicate that they pay attention to an actor’s real life background. But then consider the other option. ‘Lev’ is also a Hebrew name, which means ‘heart.’ Arye Gross, the character’s actor, is Jewish himself, and ‘Levinson’ is a Jewish last name, which seems to suggest that the Hebrew interpretation for Lev’s name is the right one. This would mean that the patient who Buck related so deeply to and who Eddie noticed was really close for a very long time with his friends - they’re all literally call him ‘heart.’ To top that all off, playing on the meaning of the word heart in a romantic context is brought up in this very ep, between Hen and Karen. So when we add all that to the fact that, as I’ve mentioned in previous weekly meta posts, we have had an ongoing heart theme with Buck and Eddie for a while now, you hopefully get why I feel there’s significance to this name choice. ~ ~

Lev obviously is meant to be another Red (from ep 316) for Buck. Unlike Red, Lev’s not a firefighter, he’s “just” a patient they lost, but because of where Buck is at this moment in his life, the encounter’s enough to shake him up. Just like Red basically came along and showed Buck that work isn’t everything, and that it doesn’t matter how much you give it your all, you still might end up lonely, Lev showed him that in every walk of “normative” life (career, wife, kids, possessions) you might do the same and still end up sad. Obviously, this is going to leave Buck feeling like he needs to try out new things, find a new direction that might lead him to that being at ease and happy that he’s been looking for (especially as the people he usually looks up to for answers can’t provide them right now: Bobby’s away dealing with his own family crisis, while Hen is a little lost herself). But I find it interesting, ‘coz this ep actually gave us an indication of what Lev might have ended up with. He doesn’t figure out the meaning to life and happiness when he’s injured, or during the following talk. He appears to find it after he chooses to make a sacrifice in order to save another person’s life and learns that was successful. I just find it very curious that at the end of the day, it’s implied the answer he found is what Buck already has, saving others. So I suspect (sorry to be drifting a bit into speculation territory) that this is the conclusion that Buck will eventually get to as well, that he’s had what he needs to be happy all along. And if you remember my meta for 601, that seemed to be the implied conclusion there as well, with the moving of the armchair. That Buck will eventually realize what makes him happiest, is what he already has, he just needs to redefine things a little. So all of this together feels like it’s further strengthening the idea that eventually, as part of his quest for self-realization and happiness, Buck is also going to figure out he already has the love he’s been searching for... ~ ~

Thank you so much for reading and for any and all support, like unbelievably kind tags in reblogs! Thank you also for the amazing gifs to the incredible @whosoldherout, who just knocks it outta the park. You can also find more of my Buddie fics, gifs and meta, if you’re interested. Thank you again! xoxox

#buddie #911meta #buddie meta #911 meta #9-1-1 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie gif #buddie gifs #buddieedit #911edit #911 gif #911gif #911gifs #911 gifs #wm #911onabc #911 on abc #911abc #911 abc

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thepringlesofblood · 3 months

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so. i watched the trailers for the A:TLA live action netflix series. i went in expecting nothing, and I gotta admit some parts look intriguing. the casting, the set, the bending, the costuming, all look pretty cool. not a big fan of the cgi or how it always seems to be the dead of night in the fire nation, but i was considering watching the first episode at least, out of curiosity and mild respect.

then I saw Zuko's scar.

I thought well, it is really dark, I should wait to get a better look at it before totally freaking out.

are. are you kIDDING ME?

[important: I know nothing about this actor, this aint a dunk on him, I doubt he had a lot of input into his makeup.]

for reference, here is zuko in the OG show.

zuko’s scar isn’t a fucking bad eyeshadow job. His ear is half-melted. It takes up like 1/4-1/3 of his face. It’s not just his eye - it’s his cheekbones, it’s his forehead, it’s all down the side of his head, boy should not have a second eyebrow! I swear to god if they spend their money animating each individual hair on appa but don’t bother to get something as iconic and central to the series as zuko’s scar right? it'd be like messing up Spock's ears, except real-life people don't have Spock ears and struggle with how they are perceived by society because of it.*

*that I know of. maybe there's a secret Spock ears genetic condition I don't know about in which case I apologize

also... there was this bit. we get a quick flash of this shot

ok, we know this shot. we've seen this shot. it's the agni kai where zuko gets his scar. note the relative positions of the two people, and what the floor looks like.

then a little later, we get this shot

it's clearly the same scene. it's ozai burning zuko. but. why is there fire on both sides of zuko? it looks like he's deflecting it. like he's fighting back.

it. it is so so so important for zuko's arc and character growth that he refuses to fight his father in his first agni kai. he shows mercy when ozai does not. he is a child - he does not think to defend himself against his own father. throughout his whole arc, the whole show, but most especially season 1, it is so important to remember that the last time he showed mercy and humility, he literally got burned. that's why he's so aggressive and angry and scared and defensive.

so. why is he defending himself? is this why his scar is less pronounced? because they decided to mess with established history?

maybe we can give them the benefit of the doubt and say this is a different agni kai, or zuko re-imagining how it could've gone, or something, but like. why choose to show this then?

further rant below the cut bc its very long I haven't felt righteous fury this strong in a while

I just. I personally don’t have a facial scar or birthmark or anything, but when Hollywood sugarcoats or makes them look less “gross” or “obvious” it’s a real fuck you to people out there who do have obvious scars, birthmarks, differences, that don’t fall into the neat lines of what is considered “presentable” by the film industry. It’s important that it’s not downplayed bc then the people who see themselves in the original get betrayed by the adaptation that tells them they’re not pretty enough or that they’re “too much” to be seen on tv in live action.

Excuses I have seen thus far (mostly on reddit admittedly)

“They didn’t want to make it look too gruesome so that kids would want to watch it too" Think about that sentiment for 10 seconds, and tell me what it says to people out there who have scars like this. Are they too “scary” to be seen by children? Is their existence automatically PG-13? Something horrible and uncontrollable happened to zuko, and because of that, his life and body are irrevocably changed. People with scars like his who related to and felt seen by his representation and the way he struggles with acceptance, both by himself and by others, will receive the message that can only happen for people with less “gruesome” scars than that. Seriously.

“Of course it’s going to look different in real life vs in animation” Yes, it will. I’m not talking about the appearance of the burn necessarily, but the extent of it. The new series has it limited mostly to his eye. His ear and eyebrow are unaffected, as are his cheekbones and forehead. That is not the case in the animated show. I’m not expecting a big monochrome pink and purple blotch like there is in the OG show - animated visual shorthand is different from live action. But it should look like burned skin. And it should be as extensive as it was - it goes over his ear and eyebrow, and partway down his cheek. the whole point of it is that it’s big and unavoidable and horrifying, and that zuko was a 13 year old kid who didn’t deserve it, but now is stuck with it. That’s war. That’s what ozai is capable of.

“The makeup would be too hard” It really wouldn’t, especially not for something as important to the series as this. Zuko’s scar is central to ATLA as a whole - a symbol of the cruelty of his father and the fire nation, and more importantly his survival and eventual resistance to it. Even if it did take extra time to apply, which I don’t think it would, I’d say it’d be worth it. I’ve seen cosplays and Halloween costumes [and this excellent fan film] without access to a professional makeup and prosthetics team that looked closer to show accurate than what they’ve currently got going.

Let me also point you to examples of both comparable and much more dramatic makeup/prosthetics used regularly (as in every episode, every week, for many years) on 2 shows with smaller budgets, older technology (as in, from the 1990s), and many more seasons: Star Trek: the next generation & ds9

trust me. they can do it. this is a choice.

“What it if made it hard for him to act?” See above for examples of other actors in much more dramatic prosthetics crushing it.

"Well at least it's better than the other live action adaptation"

that CANNOT be the bar we measure things by. standing still and doing nothing is also better than getting brained with a shovel: that doesn't mean it's good.

"He has darker skin than the animated Zuko. the burn probably blends in more."

that's not how burn scars work. it's not just a darkening of the skin - the skin itself is fundamentally changed in texture and color. and again, even if the burn has a different general appearance, it should at least be as big and extensive as it is in the OG show, and it's clearly not.

“They probably didn’t want to shave his eyebrow” No, really I saw this as a point on a Reddit post. Drag queens and cosplayers have been making their eyebrows disappear and reappear for decades without access to a professional makeup and prosthetics team. He’ll be fine I swear.

#atla #zuko #original post #atla live action #atla netflix #rant #i just have a lot of feelings #ik the trailer came out a while ago i found this in my drafts bc i wanted to cool down a bit b4 posting #but unsurprisingly i agree with all the stuff freshly-angry me said

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wibixthecowboy · 10 months

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Play the Song: Chapter 13: Sweet like Candy

Task Force 141 needs a new sniper and despite their complaints, they're assigned Flash, a joke-making, ABBA-listening, 20-year-old sharpshooter with better aim than the whole team combined. In other words, Ghost is practically handed the love of his life but he needs time to adjust because she's a firecracker.

Warnings/Tags: !graphic depictions of panic attacks!, references to suicide attempts (no descriptions), references to SA (no descriptions), Age gap (20/30-32), gore, descriptions of injury/blood/wounds, justified angst, tooth rotting fluff, slow burn, protective ghost, family dynamic, big brother soap has an attitude problem, father figure Price, wholesome brother Gaz, touch starved Ghost, eventual smut, praise, choking, thigh riding, unprotected (wrap it up people), size kink, oral f receiving, ghost will do anything to get his dick sucked, idk I’m sure it will get dirtier as I go, shifting POV

A/N: Holy Fuck. Excuse my language but jesus. That last quarter literally gutted me. BUT I PERSIST. Here is what I think is the longest chapter by far? idk I haven't checked. Thank you for sticking around for so long. Smooches for everyone, enjoy! Also! I know the chapter links are broken :( , I'll fix them asap!

Words: 7.8k

Side note: All of these characters are fictional! Please don’t be weird about their real life actors, leave them out of this and be respectful!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

@urfavsunkissedleo@butskii@abbiesxox@itsasecrets-things@thatonewriterthatnooneknows@copiasratscheese @Sheviro-blog @Simonsslvt

★Flash

Dust swirls up into a small cloud, forced into motion by Flash's incessant kicking. It travels a few feet before dissipating into the bitter morning wind. She shivers again in the thin cotton of her pajama shirt and sweats and debates going back in. Debates sliding the small phone back into her pocket, shoving off the single stair in front of the base doors, and throwing herself back into her sheets. They'd be cold by now, it's been nearly an hour since she'd tossed back her blanket, dug the phone out of her duffel bag, and sat herself down outside to call her sister. Well, attempt to call her sister. It's been over five years since they'd last talked, when she'd stuck fifteen-year-old Flash on a transit bus to Arizona with a small backpack of keepsakes and photocopies of her registration papers for the Safford Advanced Military Academy. She’d sent a few letters, from the cramped desk in her first dorm but had never gotten any back. The constant schoolwork was a good distraction but it still stung.

Filling her lungs to a near painful capacity, Flash double checks the faded sticky note her sister had slipped into her pocket so many years ago and then the glowing numbers on her phone before shutting her eyes and jamming her thumb into the call button. Flash's breath is stuck in her throat, stilled in anticipation almost as if its waiting alongside her as the phone rings. Much to her surprise, she picks up by the fourth ring.

"Hello?"

She sticks her head between her knees, absolutely convinced last nights dinner is about to come up but after a few breaths her vision clears and she answers in a rush of air.

"Sarah?"

"Who is this?"

Flash tries to swallow back the disappointment building in her stomach and then,

"Grace? Is that you?"

The dinner does come up now and she barely manages to make it to the sad cluster of shrubs before the sting of bile burns up her throat. The world caves beneath her, sucking her chest through the souls of her feet. It ricochets through her brain, slamming hard at each turn. Grace Grace Grace. She gags again, wiping her mouth on the cold skin of her forearm.

"Hi." She manages, the sound of her voice echoes between her ears. "Yes its me."

"Are you okay- did you just throw up?" Her sister's voice is calm as always, despite not hearing it for several years, the cooling affect is just the same. Sarah was- is the personification of winter. Cold, calm, and biting if you stayed with it for too long. But she's the only person who's ever been there every time Flash really needed her.

"Yeah, I uh," a burning gasp breaks her words and she realizes she hasn't been breathing. "I don't know I think I ate something funny."

"Okay." There's an awkward pause and when Sarah realizes Flash isn't going to say anything she continues. "Did you need something?"

It's at this moment that Flash remembers why she hadn't ever called. Sarah was an expert at talking people off a ledge. Every time Flash got into a fight, Sarah was able to smooth things over with a carefully plated store-bought box of cookies and a sweet smiled promise. But when it came to dealing with Flash and her inferno of a temper, Sarah chose to sit on the sidelines and watch as Flash burnt herself over and over. If it wasn't causing harm to others, Sarah didn't bother. But years of burning herself meant Flash had developed calluses.

"Is Taryn there?" The words are bitter, whether from the bile souring her mouth or the stinging disappointment, she doesn’t know.

Taryn was Sarah's on-and-off girlfriend and the only woman in Flash's life that gave her the softness she so desperately craved. If Sarah was winter, Taryn was Spring. On the days she came over, windows were opened, wildflowers were picked, neatly arranged in vases, and dinner was always something with potatoes. Taryn had made their small two-bedroom crash pad into a home. How Taryn and her sister had made it work was beyond her.

"Um- yeah, she's here. One second."

There's a rustling as Sarah drops the phone from her ear and then a murmuring of voices, even through the lowered phone she can hear the way Sarah's voice softens as she speaks to Taryn. She'd never spoken to Flash that way.

"Gracie?"

"Hello?" Flash's response comes out broken and half-whispered and with all the heavy emotion that she’d secretly hoped she’d feel when speaking with her sister.

"Gracie! Hi!" Taryn's sweet honey voice pours from the speaker, still soft from sleep and the tears building behind Flash's eyes begin to burn. "How are you, sweetheart? It's been forever."

"Good- good. I've been good." She presses her knuckles against her eyes until colors bloom against the backs of her eyelids, unshed tears wetting her fingers. "I just had a question."

"Oh?" There's another round of rustling and Flash can picture her sitting up in bed, blindly grabbing at her side table before fixing the round pair of tortoiseshell glasses she wore over blinking eyes.

"And what's your question?"

"When you met Sarah," Flash rubs a hand roughly down her face before glancing around, "how did you know?"

"How did I know what?" Taryn's interest has clearly been piqued.

"You know." She hesitates before sighing and feeling five years younger, mutters, "That you liked her."

"It took having a crush for you to finally call me?"

"I don't know, maybe?" There’s another silence, but unlike with Sarah, Flash know’s it’s Taryn waiting patiently for her to find the words that sometimes tangled themselves when making the journey from brain to tongue. "Yes. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize honey. I'm glad you did, it's nice to hear your voice." Then she continues on, like it hasn’t been five years, and when she closes her eyes, Flash can see the pink sundress Taryn had worn the last time she’d seen her. The hem had been stained burgandy the week before by Flash’s impatient blackberry painted fingers. "It was kind of love at first sight.”

Flash, either in a desperate attempt to hear to a story not about the plight of terrorists, or simply because Taryn’s voice made the world brighter, listened to her whole story. How when Taryn had met Sarah, she’d been enthralled, and even more so when Flash had threatened to break her arm if Taryn broke Sarah’s heart. How she’d so quickly decided that Sarah was the one for her despite Sarah’s supposed lack of interest and to both Flash and Taryns dismay, her complete and utter denial of being at least bisexual.

Another kick sends more dirt floating along the breeze and Flash struggles to find a way to ask for advice. ‘I’m actually talking about my lieutenant.’ ‘Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not fifteen anymore, I’ve actually killed several people.’ ‘Anyways, I want to fuck the life out of him but when I touch him he looks like he’s either going to piss his pants or bend me over the counter.’ or maybe just ‘How do I get over the deeply rooted fear of love that my dead father and might-as-well-be-dead sister instilled in me at a young age?’. She’s debating rephrasing the last one when a sharp cry cuts through Taryn’s retelling of her and Sarah’s first date.

“Is that a baby?” Flash’s voice is sharper than she meant it to be. “Do you have-”

She’s cut off by a fake laugh and a breathily muttered ‘no’. Taryn never cut her off.

“No don’t be silly.” Another nervous laugh. “I have to go, Sarah needs me. But do call again! Let me give you my number so you can call my cell next time.”

Flash listens numbly as she prattles off a long list of numbers, more focused on the static noise around her words. Waiting to hear another cry. When it doesn’t come Flash just shakes her head and tunes back in just in time to hear Taryn mutter another ‘goodbye’ and the quiet buzz of a dead line.

She blinks a few times, simultaneously overwhelmed and underwhelmed by the call. And then the last few sentences Taryn had left her with slowly start to trickle to the front of her mind. In a rush, Flash flies through the front doors of the base, nearly dropping her phone in the process, grabs a pen from the table and scribbles the number along her forearm, hoping to god she’d remembered it correctly. Hoping she could survive another icily quipped sentence from her sister if not.

Its then, mouth still gross and breathily reciting Taryn’s number in a desperate attempt to recall the sequence, that the sound of footsteps pulls her attention to the hallway. It’s the team, minus Price who’d left an hour earlier, and only gave Flash a fleeting worried look and a head shake as he passed her on the front steps, to get a headstart in traveling Alejandro’s farmhouse.

Soap leads the group, hands tucked neatly into the front of his cargo pants. Behind him, Gaz is nearly identical in both stature and clothing, but unlike Soap, his hands fall confidently at his sides. Ghost, seemingly the odd one out, trails a few feet behind, dressed sharply as usual, but there are two distinct purple smudges under his eyes. They pass through the poorly crafted living room before each settling in their respective spots at the table, like an aged high school clique. She’s about to make a remark on this when Soap raises a brow at her.

“And what are you doin’ lookin’ like that?” His hand waves up and down her body, at it hunched over the table. “We leave in like-” He glances down at his watch, “An hour?”

Ghost sits down heavily in the chair across from her and his eyes almost immediately fall to the messy set of numbers scrawled on her skin. His dark gaze narrows just the slightest bit and Flash can already see him jumping to conclusions.

“I called my sister.” She blurts out, both to answer Soap and to stop whatever train of thought is starting in Ghost’s head. She’s not sure why she feels the need to defend herself. The three men sitting around her freeze, stopping their respective tasks to listen. “I uh- yeah.”

“How did it go?” Gaz asks smoothly when the silence has stretched just a few seconds too long. “I didn’t know you had a sister.”

He slides into the seat next to her, leaning on his arm and giving her just a tad too much concentration. It was times like these when Flash wondered if Gaz operated a black market of gossip, too eager and always asking the right questions.

“We don’t talk.” Flash’s eyes flick up to see Ghost watching her warily. “Not for five years at least.”

Gaz raises his brows but doesn’t say anything, just pitches his mouth down in the corner, enough that Flash know’s he’s no longer fishing for details. Part of her wonders just how much he knows.

She looks across the table at Soap, sitting silent in his chair, picking at his nails, and suddenly becomes aware of the space left between him and Ghost. Now, after hearing Soaps late night confession the day before, the signs are obvious, like Soap has the words ‘I fucked my superior and now we don’t talk about it’ scrawled across his forehead in bright red pen. She clears her throat,

“It was fine, I just called for-” She hesitates, still not quite sure why she’s telling them this. Maybe Taryn’s sweet tongued optimism rubbed off on her too much. “I just needed some sister advice.” Flash finishes with a shrug, hoping the burn on her cheeks isn’t too obvious.

“I get that.” Soap starts, and Flash almost jumps at his voice, deep and raspy from sleep. “I’ve got my own sister. She can be annoyin’ as shit but she’s got some good advice.”

“And what are you getting advice for.” Gaz teases, “You haven’t had game for the last year.” His words falter at the end and Flash doesn’t need any explanation to know he’s talking about Ghost and Soap’s relationship, or whatever the hell Soap had called it. In a quick attempt to smooth things over, she looks expectantly across to Ghost.

“No. No siblings.” He says, and Flash watches the way his eyes fall to the worn table in front of him.

“That's too bad.” Flash says, kicking him lightly under the table, “They’re a pain in the ass anyways.” This time, when he glances back up, she smiles at him with her teeth, remembering the way he’d so carefully parted her lips in the bathroom the night before. Something in his gaze shifts and his mouth moves under his mask, pulling up at the corners. But before she can see the full thing, he’s standing and moving towards the kitchen. Glassware clinks around, he pulls one of the bowls from the cupboard and stands at the sink, waiting awkwardly. She catches on a moment later and sits up.

“I’ll go back to my room while you guys eat.” She says, trying not to let the gesture sting too badly. “I’ve got to pack for the trip anyways.”

As soon as she turns her back, even though she know’s its impossible, the rustling of Ghost pulling off his balaclava echoes through the concrete room. Just incase she has a sudden loss of self control and turns to see him making his breakfast unmasked, Flash speeds up her pace and practically throws herself through her door.

Leaning against the foot of her bed is an empty duffel bag and next to it a small, half-filled laundry sack. In it are the clothes from that night. Just underwear, a tank top, and her favorite pair of cargo pants. All her other layers had either been torn or cut through. They’d been sent through the wash five times now, but every time she’d braved the task of opening the synched bag, a staggering fear grasped her so tightly that she would pull it shut and give it back to Price. He took it wordlessly every time and they would both pretend. Her muttering something about there still being blood and him nodding while sending it along with the rest of the laundry. Both of them knew the clothes were clean, practically washed thin, but she could smell the brine of the sea, the gory mess of the man as he splattered across her shirt without even opening the bag.

So instead of kicking it to the side, or ignoring the sad, knowing look in Price’s eyes as she shoves the unopened sack into his hands again, she picks it up and sets it on the unmade sheets of her bed. Her hands shake violently and it almost makes her laugh, how they vibrate when the canvas whispers open.

On the top of the neatly folded pile is a small scrap of notebook paper. When she leans in closer, she can make out a single line of familiar scratchy handwriting ‘you’ve got this kiddo :)’. Tears burn behind her eyes as she picks the note up and sets it aside, reading it one more time before her eyes are too watery to see, and reaches into the bag to pull out the tank top. Her hands still shake, and the fold is done horribly, one strap sits higher up than the other making the whole thing a bit lopsided, but she finishes. The pants follow suit, folded neater this time. She picks them both up, along with the underwear, and shoves them into their respective drawers before leaning heavily against her dresser.

Taking a shaky breath, Flash turns to slide down the side of the solid wood, wedging herself between the wall and dresser she lets her head fall between her knees. There, away from the view of the laundry bag and clothes, she lets the adrenaline drain down her limbs and through her fingertips that rest on the cold floor. It shakes her body and looses a few broken sobs, but she’s alive and the clothes are folded.

★Ghost

He waits outside of Flash’s door, hand half raised, fingers curled in a fist to knock. Soap had sent him to give her a thirty-minute warning which would now end up being a twenty-five minute warning. Shaking his hand out one more time, he raises his fist, and right as he's about to knock, the door swings open.

Flash stands in front of him, looking down at the duffel bag in her hand. She jerks back when she sees him. Just for a moment, in the few seconds, it takes for her to recover and slide back on her happy-go-lucky smile, he can see the crease at her brow and a small frown tugging the soft shape of her lips down.

“You ready?” She asks, and Ghost nearly forgets that she is the one they’re waiting on.

“Yeah.” He starts, and all the confidence he had built, all the words he’d carefully laid out for hours the night before wash away at the sight of her. “We uh- Gaz took the Jeep.” Flash nods for him to continue, and he does after another deep breath. “You, me, and Soap will be taking the truck with the rest of the equipment.”

Flash watches him carefully, eyes flicking over every inch of skin his mask leaves uncovered. It’s this hungry gaze of hers, the one that scares the shit out of him, that she gives him before responding. Completely ignoring his words.

“You didn’t sleep?” She says but doesn’t wait for him to answer. “Me neither.”

Flash shoves her bag into his hand and jogs towards the front door, already arguing with Soap about her “perfectly valid” license. He carries both their bags in one arm and decides that it's the weight of their bags that is slowing him down. Not the fact that Soap reaching the truck first meant he and Flash would be stuck in the back together, strapped to a single bench. He wanted to thank whatever officer had replaced the passenger seat with a now out-of-date comms system.

_____

An hour in, Flash’s cheek is pressed hard into the knuckles of her fist and a shiny patch of drool starting at the corner of her mouth. He both envies her sleep abilities and fears them.

When his eyes drift back to the landscape outside the windshield, his gaze catches on Soap watching them through the rearview. He struggles to remember if the mirror used to be angled down that far or if Soap had intentionally moved it to watch them.

“So things are getting pretty serious?” He asks, not taking his eyes off the poorly paved road in front of him. Although he says it jokingly, Ghost can see the underlying curiosity, maybe even a twinge of jealousy.

“We’re not doing this right now Johnny.” Ghost grumbles, keeping his arms tight over his chest, as if they could create a barrier against Soap’s prying eyes. He knows better. Years of using little to no communication during deployment meant that learning each other's body language was critical, especially in cramped bunks.

Soap just shakes his head, still not taking his eyes off the road. Ghost can practically watch the countdown until his next snarky remark. A slow scrunch of his brow, followed by a slight downturn of his mouth, before- right on the mark, Soap drags a rough hand down the left side of his face before finally speaking.

“Has she seen you without your mask?”

Ghost’s eyes snap to Soap’s, still waiting for biting words to follow, to snap at a tender spot only he knows how to find. Instead it’s something much, much, worse.

“Just remember what happened last time.”

The words slither through the air between them, squeezing around his ribs before sliding down to stoke the coals of fear burning in his stomach. The cab of the truck is too small and suddenly the heat of Flash’s body pressed so close is so present in his mind that if he doesn’t back away he might just- stop. Stop.

“Pull over.” He mumbles, staring into the dead space between horizon and road.

Soap obliges wordlessly, slowing the truck to a slow roll before stopping in a cloud of dust on the shoulder. Ghost steps out, stumbling over the edge of the pavement as he braces his hands against his knees and heaves great breaths of warm desert air.

The sound of a door opening behind him has his shoulders raising to his ears, a poor imitation of hackles.

“Stop!” He clears his throat before lowering his voice and trying again. “I’m fine. Get back in the truck.”

But the sound of footsteps persists, light and barely audible, despite the thin layer of gravel coating the road and landscape around them. When he turns, Flash is standing behind him. Her face is pink with sleep, an impression of the seatbelt running from her mouth to her ear, and one side of her hair has been rubbed upward, making her braided hair lopsided. When her eyes fall on his hunched shoulders, the freckled bridge of her nose scrunches.

“Whats going on?” She asks suddenly, growing more aware. “Are you getting sick?”

When he doesn’t answer, she steps closer, resting a hand between his shoulder blades. Ghost can't help the low sound that pushes from his chest. She keeps it there, rubbing circles into the expanse between his shoulder blades.

“It’s okay,” Flash starts, still soothing his hunched shoulders back down. “I get sick too, just on plane rides. I don’t know what it is.” She laughs once, bright and musical. “Maybe the forty thousand feet in the air bit.”

Ghost’s breaths come easier now, in through his nose and streamlined from his pursed lips, the way his psychiatrist had shown him. The small pouch of his pills sit comfortingly in his breast pocket, but he lets them stay there. Finally, he turns to face Flash, reluctantly letting the warmth of her palm fall from his back.

“Yeah.” The word comes out staticky, like when the comms are just a bit too far apart. “That part is pretty shitty.” He doesn’t know why he’s agreeing with her. He’s never once felt an ounce of fear flying on a plane. There’s no point when everything is already so far out of his control. But when her lips split and reveal an amused smile he understands why.

“C’mon.” Flash grasps his hand, pulling him back towards the truck. He hadn’t realized just how far he’d stumbled. “I’m sure we have something in the truck for nausea.”

Ghost just nods and follows her lead, sliding smoothly onto the bench of the truck and shutting the door behind him. Flash carefully slips her pinky finger around his, squeezing tightly. And that single act sends a rush of heat through his chest both pleasant and burning. She knew. She knew damn well he wasn’t car sick. Soap says nothing.

Instead of folding his hands underneath his arms like usual, Ghost lets them be. One gently grasping the safety handle, and the other tucked neatly under Flash’s tracing fingers. And does his best to ignore the eyes watching them from the mirror.

★Flash

Flash, in a desperate attempt to get out of the truck, barely manages to let it stop before bursting out and jogging a few short laps around the vehicle.

“Jesus kid.” Soap swears, stepping out of the cab and stretching his arms overhead. “Weren’t you just sleeping like-” a disbelieving glance at his wristwatch, “three minutes ago.”

“Four fucking hours.” She bites as Ghost slides from the back. “That’s basically abuse.”

In a desperate attempt to relieve the cramping behind her thighs, Flash bends forward, slipping her hands under her sneakers. A relieved moan splits her lips, muffled into the fabric of her pants. Careful not to go light-headed, she slowly straightens out before reaching her hands above her and pushing her chest out. It feels fucking amazing.

When she finishes and turns to the two guys behind her, she can’t help but laugh. Ghost’s face is turned away, eyes downcast in a way that promises Flash his cheeks are burning hot. Soap glances between the two of them before laughing loudly and stalking off toward the large building that, in Flash’s humble opinion, does not look anything like a farmhouse. If it weren’t for the large yellow barn nestled into the field next to it, the large concrete building would probably look like a prison.

Flash is about to follow after Soap, both eager to get to the briefing, and much to her annoyance, nervous to see Alejandro and Valeria, when a gentle hand grasps her elbow. She turns to find Ghost, still hovering near the car, one hand held behind his back.

“Whats up?” She asks, eyeing his hidden hand and taking a few curious steps towards him.

“I uh-” Ghost stutters in a way that two days before would leave Flash shellshocked, but after seeing him so vulnerable the night before, she just nods for him to continue. “I have something for you.”

“Ooh a gift?” Flash says, trying to peek around his body, but the bulk of his shoulders easily blocks her vision.

“It’s nothing, really. Just something small. I didn’t think you had one and you were looking at it. Then there was that guy.” He rambles, ducking his head slightly.

Flash has to squeeze her hands into fists to keep from grabbing his face and kissing him. Even through the mask would be better than nothing, but the few moments of silence that lapse between his rambles and her watching the way his hand endearingly fidgets at his belt helps her somewhat regain her self control.

“If it’s important to you. It’s important to me.” She says softly and steps closer. “Now let me see.”

He hesitates for one more second before pulling his hand from behind him and showing her a folded blue square in his hand. Flash’s heart stops for a moment and then starts back up so fast that she nearly passes out. It’s the cerulean scarf she’d seen at the market.

“Ghost-” Her voice catches as she reaches up and pulls the silk from his hand, mouth suddenly dry.

“I just thought it would help, the dust is bad and- I think I got the right one, the blue right-”

He’s cut off with a huff as Flash throws herself against him. She wraps her arms around his chest squeezing hard. The rough velco of his vest scrapes her cheek, and something is pushing painfully against her ear, but she doesn’t let go.

“Thank you.” She says quietly.

The words, muffled into his chest, are barely audible. He doesn’t respond, but a few moments later, she feels a hand rest lightly against her shoulderblades. When she doesn’t let go, his other hand slides up, pulling her into him.

“Let's head in,” Flash says, reluctantly pulling away and sliding her hand into his, before tugging him towards the "farmhouse".

They make it just a few paces before he slides his hand from hers and takes two measured steps in front of her. Flash is about to question him, but leaning against the open door of the farmhouse is Alejandro, handsome as ever.

"We've been waiting." He nods to Ghost, shifting out of the doorway to let him pass. Flash watches him go with a confused glare. "Everything okay Rubia."

"Yeah," She breathes, brushing past him without looking at his face. "Everything's fine."

_____

Much to her disappointment. The briefing is not as entertaining as she’d thought it would be. Both Alejandro and Price would be making final decisions tonight. This briefing was only to go over the information they already knew. But she still listened diligently and took her notes at appropriate times. Alejandro didn’t do so much as glance in her direction as he spoke, both he and Valeria remained impassive during the meeting. It made Flash wonder how many of the people sitting around her had shared a bed with them. Her eyes land on Gaz, who seems to be a little too focused on Alejandro's hands as he retraces a path on one of the topograph maps. She glances over to Ghost, hoping to point his attention to Gaz and his drooling mouth, but he stays facing the front of the room. Even when she stares at him, practically burning holes into the back of his masked head, he doesn’t turn around. So when the lights shut off and the projector whirs to life, she grabs the pen resting next to his paper, making a point to doodle little hearts at the corner of her paper when he finally looks her way. Instead of shaking his head and laughing like he usually does in response to her minor thievery, he pulls another pen from his pocket and holds it in his hand.

Annoyed at Ghost's sudden coldness and bored out of her mind, Flash turns to Gaz to whisper in his ear,

“Do you think if you stare at his crotch enough, you’ll see through his pants?”

His face goes bright red and a stuttered cough cuts off the briefing.

“You okay Gaz?” Alejandro asks, raising a dark brow as Gaz hits his chest with a fist, still coughing.

“Yes, sir. Fine.” Gaz mutters.

Alejandro continues on, using a meter stick to draw an invisible line down a projected image of a warehouse.

Flash leans back to Gaz’s ear again, feeling malicious. “Is that what you call him in the bedroom? Sir?”

This time Gaz chokes, coughing wildly as Flash bites back a smile and forces her brows to pinch in concern as she pats his back.

She does get Ghost's attention this time, but much to her disappointment, yet again, it's just a small shake of his head. Flash glares pointedly back.

“What is going on. Are you sure you’re okay?” Alejandro asks again.

“I’m going to go grab some water and air, I’ll be right back.” Gaz bites out between coughs.

Flash lasts another two and a half minutes after he leaves before muttering something about checking on Gaz and wandering out of the room and down the hall.

It’s here, with fists shoved deep into her pockets that she passes a set of double doors propped open to reveal a small training room. It's modest compared to the one back at their base. The back wall is decorated with an assortment of real and fake weapons and a thick green mat covers the stained cement. A bright red sign nailed to one of the doors threatens suspension to anyone who brings the weapons out of the confinements of the training room. She's about to walk by, wanting to slip out of the building and explore the barn. But her curiosity wins over and she hovers in the dim hallway.

Once Flash is there, watching the fighting pairs, she's surprised it took her so long to hear the grunting and unmistakable thud of bodies bouncing off worn foam. One of the men leaning against the back wall, who'd been intently watching a rather unfair match play out, starts towards her in a slow prowl. The challenge is clear, confidence leaks from him like a poison, and his eyes scan her body, lingering for a few seconds on her chest. She recognizes him from the meeting, but can't quite remember his name. Liam? Larson?

"Get er' Lucas!" One of the guys calls, following with a series of whooping howls. She sends him a withering glare and is about to stalk away to find Gaz when her drifting eyes catch on a brightly colored package peaking from Lucas' pocket. Maybe just one match and then she'd find him.

"What do you say Rubia? Just you and me?" He stops just a few feet from her, close enough that she can smell the sweat that sticks the front of his shirt to his muscled chest.

She has to bite back a laugh at the stuttered way Alejandro's pet name falls from his lips. A far cry from the other man's smoothness. It's not that Lucas isn't attractive, his body is well-shaped and thick dark hair falls into a pair of bright hazel eyes. If she wasn't so busy at the academy she might have even gone for a guy like him. But all she can think of is Ghost's kind eyes and if she's being honest, the shape of his ass in one of the heli harnesses. She doesn't have to see Lucas's backside to know it'll pale in comparison.

"I don't know." Flash looks him up and down, letting the boredom in her eyes shine. "You look a little," she waves one hand around as if it will pull the word from thin air "small."

Lucas flinches back, obviously not used to being rejected.

"Then it should be quick, no?" His smile is back now, and just as flirty as before.

She relents, “Rules?” She prompts, stretching her shoulders and removing the belt from her waist, doing her best to ignore the pinch as her stitched skin pulls taught.

“Clean fight. First one to tap loses.”

Flash nods and smiles widely, more than eager to move after sitting for the past five hours. Lucas smiles wide, almost looking feral with a pair of pointed canines.

She follows him to the mat and they square up, him guarding high over his jaw and her standing still, hands at her side. Someone behind them shouts a command and Lucas is lunging, striking hard and fast towards her exposed midsection. She easily sidesteps him, having seen the flex in his exposed calf muscle just a moment before. Childs play.

Flash lets him lunge, easily dancing around his brutally thrown fists and elbows as he tires himself out. She can already tell he’s used to using his weight as an advantage rather than a tool. Much like every other man she’s fought.

After a particularly poorly timed left hook, Lucas lets out a frustrated growl. Taking pity on him, Flash sighs before darting towards him. In just under two seconds, she’s slipped her leg behind his knees and with one shove of her elbow has him sprawled on the mat, blinking widely. In another second, she’s locked her bicep over his neck and tightened her legs around his chest in a breath-squeezing grip.

When he doesn’t stop squirming, her bicep tightens around his throat, "Tap." She orders, calm and unwavering. "You've already lost."

Nails scrape at her grip leaving angry red scratches against the back of her hand and wrist. She winces but doesn't relent. His gasping lips have turned pale and the veins at his forehead bulge against sweating skin. If he doesn't tap he'll pass out, she's sure of it. His fingers scratch at her hand again, but this time they’re fumbling and slow. The men surrounding her are shouting at him to fight back and Flash wonders if they're too ignorant to see that the lack of oxygen has left his limbs useless, or if they're just that dumb.

Just as his eyes start to roll back, there's a weak tap against her outer thigh. She immediately releases and Lucas scrambles back against the mat, shoving her to the side in the process, and hunches over, violently coughing between gags.

"What the fuck." He spits out, still curled into himself, red face inches above the dirty mat. "What the fuck is wrong with you."

Pushing herself to her feet, Flash stalks towards him and jabs a finger at his sweating glare. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" She wasn't about to let him make her feel guilty, he'd started it, she just saw it through.

Lucas just stares at her with bloodshot eyes and the room around them stays silent. Nosy Bastards.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with you." She continues, stepping forward to rub the dirty tread of her shoe against the white of his shirt before leaning down, their faces just inches apart. "You're too slow."

He says nothing, even as she reaches over and snatches the cellophane bag of sweets from his pocket.

_____

Happily picking through the bag of candy she’d so fairly won, Flash wanders the property kicking rocks and half-assedly looking for Gaz. Just before she's about to turn and head back, she stumbles upon a smell that she can only describe as animal.

When Flash stops in front of the open barn doors, her jaw drops. One of the biggest horses she’d ever seen stands before her, lazily chewing on a mouthful of hay. She has to crane her head upward to see the ginger mane falling in neat tendrils over a huge, muscled neck. It's as beautiful as it is terrifying.

The horse's nose is soft like plush velvet when she runs a single finger across it, and surprisingly warm. The deep chestnut of its eyes stays relaxed and half-lidded so she strokes it again, this time with her palm. When she does, warm puffs of air blow against her hand and she jumps back, heart racing. The horse seems to sense this and with its long, nimble legs, lowers itself to the ground, nestling into the dry hay bed at her feet. Following it down, Flash drops to her knees and sits back against her heels, feeling braver now that they’re nearly face to face. Well, face to muzzle.

“You aren’t so mean. Huh?” She speaks softly, pressing her palm between the dark, watchful eyes and feeling the warmth of its skin. “Are you a boy or a girl?”

“She’s a girl.”

Flash falls backward, feet slipping from under her in the slick hay when a deep voice calls out from behind her. But large hands are under her arms in seconds, pulling her up and to her feet.

Ghost stands in front of her now, mouth quirked into a small smile under the cotton of his mask. “That’s the second time I’ve had to keep you from knockin’ yourself out.” His hands linger, squeezing her biceps reassuringly before dropping to his sides. “How often does this happen when I’m not around?”

“I- what?” Flash’s heart still beats wildly in her chest, partially from nearly cracking her head off the paved ground, but mostly from the looming presence in front of her. “What?”

“She’s a girl.” Ghost continues, choosing not to repeat his question. “Maple I think. One of Alejandro’s first girls. She’s a sweetheart.” He steps closer to Flash and for a moment she thinks he’s about to grab her, but then he’s reaching past her to rest a hand on the patch of cream-colored fur her own had been resting against just minutes before. Maple's eyes close and she pushes against his hand, moving to nose his palm. Ghost responds by loosening each finger of his glove before pulling it off and tucking it in his waistband. Flash watches intently as he returns his hand to the spot and smooths it upwards, following the patch of cream between her eyes.

“Do you still have that candy?”

Ghost's voice snaps her back and with burning cheeks, she pulls the small plastic bag from her pocket, feeling a pinch of shame at being caught but called out. “How did you know?”

“One of the guys was complaining.” He starts before turning to look at her, his brow furrows slightly at the scratches covering the back of her hand and forearm, but it eases when he glances up at her face. “And your mouth is bright red.”

Handing the bag to him, Flash uses the back of her other hand to wipe at her lips but it’s no use. “Horses can have candy?” She asks, now scrubbing her mouth with the sleeve of her fleece.

Ghost responds by pulling one of the round, brightly colored candies and placing it on the flat of his bare palm before extending it to Maple.

“Some.” He speaks lowly and in a calming tone that Flash knows is for the horse's sake, but she can't help but melt all the same. Maple picks the candy up with the soft skin of her lips before crunching it between a powerful set of teeth. “This stuff is just dyed sugar. They sell it everywhere.”

Then he’s grabbing her hand, flattening her fingers with a gentle swipe before setting a purple one on her palm. It's only when he starts to move her arm towards Maple's giant mouth that she jerks back, closing the candy tight in her palm. It’s sticky and in just a few seconds starts to melt against the heat of her skin.

“Keep your hand flat.” His hand curls around her forearm to grasp her wrist. “I promise she won’t bite. Open.”

At his command, Flash opens her palm and with shaking fingers, lets him guide her arm outwards with his hand wrapped reassuringly around her wrist. At the last moment, Flash shuts her eyes tight, not wanting to see the grisly sight of her fingers being ground to a pulp. But she’s only met with Maple’s warm breath and the tickle of whiskers as her soft lips take the sticky candy from her hand. A nervous laugh bubbles up from her own mouth, a mix of relief and joy at the strange feeling.

“See,” Ghost's voice vibrates from a warm chest, nearly pressed against her back. His hand still grips her wrist, “I told you she wouldn’t bite.”

“I trust you.” Flash says to their hands, “I just don’t trust the horse.”

“Give her another. This time with your eyes open.” She doesn’t ask how he knew her eyes were closed.

With open eyes, Flash lets Ghost set another candy, a bright orange one, onto her palm. Her wrist, still encompassed by his gentle hand, moves on its own accord towards Maple’s brown muzzle. She takes it just as sweetly as before, in a soft kiss of whiskers.

Flash does laugh this time, a sweet laugh that has her falling back a step with the effort, right into Ghost.

When she turns to apologize, still laughing, the words die on her tongue. He stares down at her, eyes wide and burning with so much emotion her breath catches in her throat. His own breath comes shakily through his nose as he brings a hand up to tuck a stray curl behind her ear before dropping it back to his side.

“Do you want to ride her?” He whispers, still staring intently at her face.

“Fuck no.” Flash breathes. But she doesn’t stop him as he pulls a saddle off a post and begins to strap it to a now-standing Maple. She doesn’t stop him when he lifts her like a rag doll and places her in the saddle, or when he gracefully swings himself up to sit behind her. And she doesn’t stop him when he reaches around her to hold the brown leather reins and guide them out and onto a dirt trail. She could have, but she doesn’t.

She’d severely underestimated the proximity that riding a horse with someone requires. Every inch of their bodies molded together, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. It’s glorious. She can’t help but settle back a bit, reveling in the way his arms wrap around her shoulders.

The setting sun shines orange and yellow across the tan field, turning it into an ocean of waving ochre honey, and the rest of the green flowing forest into a golden meadow. It seeps into her very bones, dragging her heartbeat to a dull thump that sounds in time with the gentle rocking of Maple's steps. She shifts further back, now laying entirely across Ghost's chest and nestling into the warm spot between his neck and shoulder. It smells delightfully of sweat, oranges, and dirt. He stiffens at first, she doesn’t know if it’s surprise or discomfort, but he relaxes just a moment later, resting his chin gently atop her head. And there, nestled in the warmth of his embrace and lulled by the swaying steps of sweet Maple. Flash closes her eyes and wills her mind to remember every detail, begs her body not to forget the gentle shift of muscle against her back as Ghost directs them down a rough path he seems to know so well.

“You’ve done this before?” Her question is quiet, spoken through a drowsy fog.

Ghost moves the reins to one hand and uses the other to gently knit their fingers together, the way she’d done in his truck. Here in her sleep-drunk state, the effort it takes for him to fit his fingers between her own smaller ones is too comical. “Yes,” His thumb rubs up and down the ridges of her knuckles, no doubt soothing his own nerves, “I’ve spent a lot of time here. Alejandro has done a lot for me.”

“With the horses?”

“Well,” he starts, hesitatingly, “A few years ago, I was having a rough time. Things were not going my way.” A large breath presses his chest tightly against her back “Alejandro let me stay with him for as long as I needed.”

“So you became a cowboy?” She teases, squeezing his hand tight.

“Not right away,” he laughs lightly and Flash involuntarily presses back into the sound, “I was scared shitless. Alejandro had to practically force me into the barn. But then I learned more about them. How compassionate and loving they are. Did you know they can have a whole conversation with just their ears?”

Flash hums encouragingly, hoping he’ll keep talking, if only to feel his voice against her back.

“They can love too. They’ll bond to someone, and love them the same way a human would. Real love.” An eager note shifts his voice, something Flash had never heard before.

“And did you bond with Maple?” Flash speaks into the soft cotton of his jacket.

“No,” a sigh tickles the soft hair at her nape “though we did get close. I have another horse. Her name is Rose.”

“Pretty name.” Flash hums “Where is she?”

Ghost stiffens again, and this time it takes him a few more beats to settle back and even longer to respond.

“She’s being cared for by my neighbor.”

“What’s she look like?” Flash’s voice is drifting, and the lids of her eyes seem impossibly heavy. She starts to imagine his home. A cupboard filled with chipped mugs and a wooden drying rack next to a deep basin sink. She’s decided that he’s not one to use a dishwasher.

“Golden hair,” his hand reaches up to tug at a strand of her own and she bats a hand at him, completely missing through her half-lidded gaze. “Blue eyes.” He’s brushing his hand along her cheekbone now and the feeling is like a magnet, tugging her eyes closed with a final drag down the bridge of her nose. “And a fiery temperament.”

“Are you calling me a horse?” Flash mumbles, half incoherent. But Ghost manages to decipher it and laughs breathily.

“No, I’m just noticing some similarities.” His hand reaches up to smooth the hair at her temple. Its awfully delightful.

“You keep doing that I’m going to fall asleep.” She threatens, even though they both know she’s far past salvation.

“That’s okay.” His hand drops to wrap around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer. “I won’t let you fall.”

“Okay.”

And for the first time since the incident, Flash falls asleep without the anxiety of what she’ll miss, what will pull her from her sheets, screaming and clawing. For the first time in weeks, she falls asleep in the sweet embrace of safety.

A/N: You cannot tell me that Flash isn't an ass woman. She's going to be grabbing handfuls soon.

Also the idea of Ghost hyper fixating on horses AUGGHH HES TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD

Anywaysss, thank you for sticking with me through all of this. I love all of you and will talk to you again very soon!

#Ghost x reader #Ghost x female oc #SImon riley #Cod fic #Simon Ghost Riley #Alejandro Vargas #Valeria #Modern Warfare 2 #Ghost stories #Headcannons #John soap mactavish #John Price #MW2 #Gaz Garrick

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deviantartidentitydisorder · 5 months

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any theories / thoughts on petscop? I’m almost finished & really liking it 👀👀

I HAVE SO SO MANY I APOLOGIZE IF THIS IS TOO MANY. I also love it bc unlike eckvanet petscops actually FINISHED so i get to look at it so hard with my eyeballs and take it really in. its so good

So I'm a STRONG believer that Paul is Care. I don't think theres any timeline funkiness or overlapping thats happening, I also don't think they were ever seperate entities at all. Paul is simply .... just Care. She grew up to be a man, and due to Pauls repressed memories he was unable to figure out if Care was meant to be him until he found his room, with the flower vase. And thats why it unsettled him so badly to find- it was the vase used by his own father to abuse him. I think a lot of Pauls confusion or lack of understanding that Care is MEANT to be him is due to his own repressed memories, but also because petscop is a game. We have no idea if care or carrie was ever actually his name, especially when considering Rainer is not actually Rainers name either. Its Daniel. I also think the trans coding in petscop is very prominent with rhe idea of care, a scrappy boyish cursing girl who acted strange and pulled out her own eyebrows was attempting to be reborn as a little girl named Lina who is very feminine looking and exclusively depicted in pink. Marvin says that Care cursing is "disturbing" despite both Marvin and Daniel being big swearers. I also think Petscop perfectly encapsulates the feeling of being a trans person abd coming across a pre transition save file on one of ur old childhood games. I also think the voice actor of Paul is also very telling. I may be rude for assuming, but he sounds like he has the transmasc rasp. Its really hard for me to make sense of anything else, except for Paul being transgender.

I think that Lina never died. I don't think anyone ever knew what happened to Lina, but one thing I think about all the time is in the petscop ost video released as the final video, when Belle spells out "boss" in the playstation text chat feature she never actually spells boss. She spells Lina. which leaves me to think that, maybe, Lina and Anna were able to get Belle and Paul into their own custody, and ran away together after the events of Rainers death.

I think that Rainer was deeply involved with the rebirth of Care and Belle. Like. Deeply. In fact I think he initially went in with plans of finding Mike, before even realizing that Marvin was responsible for Mikes disfigurement and death. I don't think Marvin meant to kill Lina, and I don't even know if he did, but I think blindsided by his own madness he ended up hitting Mike and his puppy with his car. And thats where Marvin really took a turn, becoming even more obsessed, and I'd assume that perhaps thats what lead Rainer to hate the process of rebirthing. I"d need to rewatch before i fully commit to this idea though.

I also think that the "Tiara" thing is not as important as it was meant to be in the begining. Early in petscop they set up alegories to a real life true crime case about Candice Newmaker, and there are tons of references to it until ep 10, when the creator said he regretted including it because matpat took the metaphors too seriously and assumed that petscop was about the real true crime case. the creator stopped all references. Which means that Tiara/Belles character had to go through a lot of changes.

What I interpret about the Tiara Belle thing is that.... Belle was eventually adopted in hopes to find Lina, and that Care may have ACTUALLY been for Rainer to rebirth into Mike. I really think that may be the case. I think that they were attempting to rename Belle to Tiara after adopting her to make her "part of the family" (the name also ties back to Linas femininity) and I think something happened along the way- possibly Mikes death, that made Rainer retract calling her Tiara. He lost interest in the rebirthing process and therefor lost faith in all of Marvin's choices, like renaming Belle.

I think its important to remember that the real life connections to Candice Newmaker were retconned, so any ties to the original story whatever they were going to become, never flourished and were taken out. I wont be calling Belle Tiara because of this, especially because of how much the case actually means to me as a childhood abuse and autism activist. Or as someone who identifies as an activist LOL

I think that mental illness is a HUGE IMPORTANT thing to talk about in petscop that I almost never see brought up. Theres some pretty direct references to trichotillomania, but I'd argue it infects every one of the family members. Rainer clearly to me develops some sort of psychosis just based on how his ramblings sound, they're very "word salad" to me, not to mention his christmad suicide. Marvins also clearly not well, honedtly, I find him more fascinating than William Afton because I genuinely DONT think he started off with bad intents. he was only a kid when Lina "died" and I think it really screwed him up and scared him! I think he lived with that on his back the entire time he was growing up and it would follow him too, as a young kid who was the only witness. And I dont think he ever meant to hit Mike ever, but felt rhe need to hide what he did because of his already dodgy past. I think hes so fascinating. Many of the pets in petscop are mentioned to have like personal needs that are strange, or emblematic of mental health issues as well. I think it runs deep in their family.

I think pauls autistic but i think everyone does. ITS SO FUNNY I LOVE HIM BC I ALSO SPIN AS A STIM... ME TOO MAN!!

I don't think the games haunted, instead i think it falls into the same sort of almost supernatural, but not really sort of vibes as paul himself does. i think a better word id use is "psychic." but also not really? i think rainer worked hard on making ai replicas of everyone who played the game, or at least, almost everyone. The Marvin, Belle, and other guardians we see in game aren't actually the ghosts of those people, but Ai built around how those people play the game.

I have more thoughts but im blanking rn. thank you for the ask ily atlas!!

#petscop #paul leskowitz #belle leskowitz

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commsroom · 5 months

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sorry if u answered this before but do you hc Eiffel as any particular race? I know him being white would probably match how he sees himself as the everyman. But on the other hand he gives me light skin vibes and I can't explain why. (Also no matter what he has long hair but curly haired Eiffel just speaks to me)

mm. i know you're just asking for my opinion, but that's a complicated question. and i am not the right person to be talking about this, so please take it with a grain of salt. one of the few legitimate criticisms i have of wolf 359 is that it's a show about personal identity, resisting dehumanization, and recognizing that other people navigate the world in different ways, but it tries to be raceblind. which. it can't. particularly when something like minkowski's identity as a polish immigrant is addressed.

i think one of the reasons that wolf 359 characters feel as real as they do is how collaborative the character development process was; they are really roles that are shaped by and belong to those actors. lovelace is played by a black actress, cecilia lynn-jacobs's input determined a lot of things about her, and the audience reaction to lovelace getting shot near the end of s3 was the way it was because there was an understanding of her as a black woman. whether she was initially written to be black is kind of irrelevant in that case, i think - she still is, and she resonates with people that way.

but every other main character in wolf 359 is played by, and similarly influenced by, a white person. and that's a problem. no matter how you approach it, wolf 359 is not a diverse show: if they were written as non-white, then being played by white people would be a problem. raceblindness also enforces a default assumption of whiteness. i think if eiffel wasn't meant to be read as white, then there are aspects of his character arc, his assumption of himself as the "default" person and general ignorance of how it feels to be "other", that probably could've been explored from a different angle.

i know people who see him as white because of that, and i know people who see him as another race because of how they connect with him as a character. and i can understand both perspectives on that, but i don't think there's a right way to approach it. i think the show unfortunately, in this one specific way, kind of dug its own grave. gabriel urbina has said however you see these characters, that's correct, and i can agree with the sentiment, but it's also mired in a lot of difficult context, because these are specific people, and these things should matter to them. it can't be interchangeable, and so it can't be that ambiguous. it could be handled a lot better. and based on his more recent work + politics, i wonder if he would've approached it differently, if he had all the information then.

about how i see eiffel: i've said many times before that i see him as a man who could be reasonably played by zach valenti, so the eiffel in my head is white. the eiffel in the art i commission, or the art where i'm like "oh!! eiffel!!" is not necessarily. the second most eiffel-like guy i can think of, who i also use as a reference sometimes, is iranian. but for me to say that eiffel was iranian is not really a claim i think it would be right for me to make, and i think it is probably not true.

the main features that i think eiffel must have are dark, wavy/curly hair, prominent nose, noticeable body hair, generally expressive. he absolutely cannot be light haired, clean shaven, or pale. and from a general standpoint, like... a wide variety of men could meet those qualifications. i don't want to reinforce an assumption of whiteness, but i'm also extremely wary about treating race as functionally cosmetic, since. again. it can't be. no show is removed from real life social contexts, and wolf 359 is about a lot of very real things.

i think if you do interpret eiffel as specifically a cis, able-bodied white guy, there's something very real and very unfortunate about the fact he initially ignores lovelace and hera, two marginalized women, and seeks reassurance from minkowski that they were overreacting. he listens eventually, but the person who gets through to him is presumably the Next Most Visibly Privileged Person, and that's... hm.

#genuinely i don't know. sorry you got an essay about it when you were just asking my opinion #i'm completely with you re: curly haired eiffel and i think however you personally see him like #if you connect with him in that way. i don't think that's something that needs justification.#like representation is such a complicated topic from the perspective of individual interpretation #i just. lovelace is black and that can't be said of any other wolf character in the same way and i'm not really sure #what the right approach is. or if there is one. obviously i am open to thoughts + perspectives on this. i'm not the right person for it #it's just something i wonder about a lot.#asks

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allycat75 · 16 days

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What is bothering me about "Red One".

Terrible movies are about as common as the lies our former president spews from his cracked and diseased face, so why is this one so different? I think when you start looking at something, you start seeing things you can't unsee. Kind of like when Brad Pitt decides to make a movie about the two women who helped bring down Harvey Weinstein, even though Mr. Pitt not only knew for years what he did after confronting him in the early 90s for harassing his girlfriend, ran straight toward him to produce his movies even though his wife at the time was traumatized and requested he not do it. But that is a rant for another day.

Overall, this movie just doesn't seem warm and Christmas-y. I almost feel forced to participate and enjoy it.

The Rock is a flim flam man, as many are in Hollywood, but the fissures are starting to show in his "nice guy" image. He is vulnerable to his fragile male ego and can't admit a failure, which only makes it worse. He created a real life villian of himself with the whole Black Atom/DC controversy that is so convoluted, the only thing I know is that if a woman had attempted these hijinks she'd be branded a hysterical, compulsive liar who should not insert herself in matters that don't concern her.

The marketing for this movie has already started with a lie- that it has tested "through the roof". Just the irony of being dishonst about a Christmas movie- maybe because they know this is already a big steaming lump of coal.

Here, the Rock's describes this gem of a movie:

Or I can just watch any of those movies individually and get sick of Dwayne Johnson playing the same character over and over in every movie, and enjoy Harry Potter and It's a Wonderful Life on their own. Truthfully, is that meant to sound good? (He also referred to it as a "joy bomb", and like most things he says I can only believe about half of it).

You know what also doesn't sound warm and Chrismas-y? This:

The film has been described as "a globe-trotting, four-quadrant action-adventure comedy, imagining a whole new universe to explore within the holiday genre." If you're wondering, "four-quadrant" refers to the four major demographics Hollywood is always looking to win over — males, females, people under 25, and people over 25. And Amazon evidently feels "Red One" will appeal to all four quadrants.

Yeah, let me take my four-quadrant family on opening weekend! So welcoming.

Also, both leads are over paid and need a hit as they have had some major, I mean major, debacles to overcome. And it is not great being known as profit poison at a time when there is much more scrutiny of the bottom line. I can sense the desperation of this cash grab oozing off of them.

Interestingly, only a few years ago CE was named one of the best bang for your buck actors. Now he can barely get work and no longer has an audience (he alienated his fans and the general public either doesn't know him, doesn't care, or thinks he is hella creepy). But he has said he wants to quit and smoke pot all day, so maybe Hollywood will call his bluff this time. Besides, I doubt they were able to get the best performance out of him, considering his life was beginning its implosion while filming, even if he might not have known the full extent of the eventual destruction at the time. The mindset he displayed wasn't conducive to authenticity and Christmas-y-ness.

Ok, I know we all want original content, but maybe I should have been more specific and added that it needs to be sincere, too. I hear nothing sincere when someone tries to describe "Red One". It doesn't help that this is home grown from 7 Bucks, Dwayne Johnson's production company. They probably looked at the material in an echo chamber and lost perspective. And as we have seen, The Rock isn't know for his humble acceptance of criticism. The following official description sounds like a nerd wanting to show up all the popular kids who made fun of him in high school ("See, I wrote a Hollywood script that is now a movie. Bet you wish you went to the prom with we now, Courtney!"):

Red One is a fire-breathing Christmas action movie that completely reinvents the holiday genre. […] Red One is a really fun original action film for both Johnson and Evans, and it’s a world building piece of IP which lends itself to potential sequels set around different holidays

Boy someone thinks highly of themselves! Already on the make to ruin other holidays. I saw somewhere they claimed this could be a franchise comparable to the "Lord of the Rings". Whoa, Nelly. Pump the breaks on that male privlege. You are embarrassing yourself!

It's this need for empire building, I believe, is what will crush "Red One". This forced joy, what many of us feel at this time of year, has takes away the true spirit and fun of the holiday season.

Well, we know CE can ruin Valentine's Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving. Looks like he is well on his way to doing the same for Christmas.

This has about 7 more months to play out and maybe I am wrong, but right now it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, like egg nog left out from last Christmas. So, I think the two leads better get their measurements in now for the suits they will be wearing at the 2025 Razzie Awards. Here are some ideas for their rapist-supporting stylist:

PS- And, by the way, what the fuck is with the name- "Red One"? Sounds like a horror film about an itchy rash that will destroy the world. The Rock is the only one that can save us, but decides there is too much division right now and isn't going to support the President, played by a sad, hollow Chris Evans.

#don't piss on my leg and tell me it is raining #liars suck!#do better #check your privlege #Is there a woman any where or is this a complete sausage fest?

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lord-rosenth0rne · 6 months

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Went into FNAF with low expectations and I'm glad I did. Any movie that looks THAT GOOD with legendary puppeteers creating characters that seem to have just been pulled directly from the games will have some huge drawback to it and that was the writing.

Also, when I hear "it's for the fans" coming from Hollywood of all places, I know something's up. Something got Disney-fied in order to have it appeal to a larger crowd that may water down the content.

The actors were great, LOVED Matthew Lillard and his Scream reference, the atmosphere is creepy when it needs to be and the animatronics were just perfect. The cameos and easter eggs made it so nice.

The storytelling sucks. BAD. Bad to the point that I'm going to have to sit down with my mother later after she watches it and SHOW her (because the movie has a problem with telling, not showing) what her granddaughter, my niece is actually in love with that the movie skips out on, that being the horror itself. This is a HORROR franchise and it's gotten soft over its continuation.

The script should have been given to someone who was a fan of the series, particularly the first three games (can't say the books as they seem to have their own premise), AND a horror movie buff. The movie forgets it's a horror movie and doesn't seem to know what it wants to be.

There are a lot of key pieces I would have changed to make it enjoyable for newcomers while simultaneously being for the fans:

-Make this a series and not a movie. Mike should be in jail by the end of the movie with all the stuff they glossed over. Cop gets gravely injured and he and his sister are the only witnesses? With Afton "dead" and locked away, who else could have done it? The woman he's in a custody battle with is lying dead on his floor AND he has a history of violence and drug use? Yeah. No. This needed more time to deal with its issues or be rewritten entirely which I am all for.

-Garrett's disappearance needed to have a DIRECT line to the pizzeria instead of happening in the middle of BFE Nebraska.

-Nix the dream crap. Mike should have been killed the first time he ever fell asleep in that place. Next security guard, please. Though, I will say, if he falls asleep or he loses consciousness, they could have Garrett communicate with him to give a couple of clues on what he needs to do next and warn him to stay away from the animatronics.

-Speaking of animatronics, they're vengeful spirits that should go after anything with a pulse. Or at least any adult with a blindness for faces. While I can excuse how they acted around Abby, I can't excuse it around Mike or Vanessa. They should get the same treatment the idiots who broke into the place did regardless of who they are.

-Utilize the cameras more to keep an air of mystery and horror going. Maybe have Mike chase some kid through the place like Max did only to go look back at the cameras to see that he wasn't chasing anything or if he sees a kid on the cameras, he goes to find them only to find the respective animatronic standing there instead. Lean harder into the paranormal aspect.

-Have Afton's motives actually explained. WHY was he doing this? What was his end goal of killing kids and putting them in suits? Yeah, it can be a simple answer, but not one given in the movie. Also, have him more involved in the plot. Have him physically haunting the place as Springtrap. Having Mike ask him "Why" and him answering "Why not?" would be fucked up as hell and mirror real-life child kidnappings/murders. Grieving families do ask the killers of their loved ones "Why?"

-Nix Vanessa. OG fans remember when we had to piece things together through visuals. Not exposition. Mike should find out about the other disappearances through articles and such, even Garrett's disappearance which he could be trying to solve, and stumbled upon a golden opportunity when he found a Craigslist ad for a Night Guard for the very place his brother went missing. Besides, Vanessa has her own lore that wouldn't be in play until later additions to the franchise. Nothing like finding out the body of a dead child is hiding in one of the animatronics by "injuring" the animatronic to keep up the horror aspect.

-I would have kept the family angle with Mike knowing Afton was his father, he just used "Mike Schmit" to get a job at the place his father is protective over to investigate instead of "Michael Afton", given how common "Schmit" is. Afton himself probably wouldn't recognize him unless face to face.

-Bring in Henry Emily. Give a red herring that maybe HE'S the one behind all of it. Have him investigate at the same time Mike is and neither trust each other with that information, causing them to suspect one another.

You see, this movie would have been ten times better if they used what was already there instead of using an entirely different story with the same characters. They could have used old cliches and made them work.

#FNAF movie #FNAF spoilers #Michael Afton #Mike Schmit #William Afton #Abby Schmit #henry emily #FNAF review

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chainofclovers · 1 year

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Ted Lasso 3x1 Thoughts

I’m going to continue my largely disorderly disorganized deranged within-12-to-24-hours-of-watching-the-ep-the-first-time Ted thoughts, as always reserving the right to add on once I’ve seen more and processed more! But let’s face it, I save my coherency for fiction and this is gonna be scattered as ever. The episodes dropping at 9 p.m. my time may end up making me more insane; I’ll have time to think before I’m ready to go to sleep, and then my sleep patterns will be interrupted by thinking more, I’ll wake up too early because I need to think more, and this fandom experience will continue to be unparalleled and ridiculous.

(Side note: I’ve been avoiding screener spoilers but I have read some reviews that are vaguely spoiler-y for the first four episodes of the show and I’ve also consumed a decent amount of press tour stuff that includes actors and writers talking a bit about the overall arc. I’m going to try to focus each of these posts on the episode that’s just aired and anything that came before it. If some speculation slips in, it’ll be just that—speculation, mildly spoiler-informed but not majorly spoiler-informed.)

First shot - last shot will be TED! The star of Ted Lasso! Seeing his stubbly spaced-out face, eyes like wells of endless sadness, I was just like……..yes. Here we go. Ted is back.

Henry looks so much older! Even though I think he’s basically eight years old in canon assuming he was about Phoebe’s age back when Phoebe was six. I think the conversational timings between him and Ted feel more natural than they did in past seasons and that makes me happy because Henry is clearly gonna be a major part of this whole season.

LEGOS. The contrast between the touristy London Lego set they do in s1 to the custom Nelson Road creation they come up with together, showing that Henry has gotten to know the people in Ted’s community in London?!?! I love that vehicle for showing the familiarity Henry now has with his father’s life, with people he’s presumably gotten to spend real time with too. And I absolutely loved that in that initial clip with Rebecca, Higgins, and Ted, Ted kind of expresses surprise at how he said what he said about winning “the whole fucking thing” and downplays his memories, but then at the end of the episode we have Henry telling his father he’s there to “win the whole thing.” I continue to absolutely love everything this show does with audience knowledge vs. character knowledge. Dramatic irony at its finest!

Speaking of dramatic irony and the tragedy of audience knowledge surpassing character knowledge…Nate Shelley, I love you forever. Everything with the car was so heartbreaking (Rupert’s control over him! Sounds familiar!?!), as is everything about the coldness he exhibits to his colleagues, his meanness with the players, his nervous desperation with Rupert, his panic symptoms at the presser, and his continued obsession with social media as a reflection for how successful or unsuccessful he is at any given moment. I absolutely love that everyone at AFC Richmond has their own Nate feelings, but Rupert is the true villain here.

Ted has learned some things about football, thank the lord. (And he learned more in part by playing FIFA with his son, who believes in his ability to win the whole thing.) I love all the ways the nature of competition has gotten more progressively complicated each season. I love the way it’s personal for Rebecca in both valid ways that she needs Ted to understand and respond to (that scene where she keeps referring to singular “he” Rupert instead of the “they” that is West Ham combined with the scene where it gets more emotional and she has that same conversational slippage but it’s to convey to Ted that she needs him fighting for her and the team? GOD), and in ways that speak to her own non-linear progress but mostly forward progress. I love that Roy is nervous about needing to step up tactically, and I love that we can’t quite tell if the “tried and true and solid” approach will net the same kind of success they could expect with Nate in that role. I love the constant presence yet slight emotional distance of Beard and that we still don’t know how his personal life is going to intersect with his professional life this season (beyond the Ted of it all). I love that the players are learning to put Ted’s emotional lessons into practice on their own.

Taking your entire team down the London sewers because you want to feel closer to your son as he flies away from you and constructing an entire poop metaphor to make it worth everyone’s while and then getting in trouble with your boss over it but that actually revealing a new layer of emotional vulnerability and mutual understanding that’s been missing between the two of you for a while even though you’re still fundamentally questioning your presence in the life you’ve presumably chosen for yourself is actually something that can be so personal.

I’m obsessed with how not over Michelle he is, and how Henry not having his own phone means the messages are still transmitting through his parents and that just makes everything kind of messy and poignant.

For a while in the 40 years leading up to s3, I was really convinced Ted would stay in London after the conclusion of s3/their first season back in the PL because part of his journey would need to be about finding his own home on his own terms and figuring out how his self-worth slots into a community he’s helped build but that has also helped build him. Then I spent a long time convinced he’d need to return to Kansas for basically the exact same reasons…everyone’s changed including him, and it’s time for him to reprioritize and return to his son’s home. After seeing 3x1, I no longer have super strong feelings one way or another because the existential questions Ted is asking are so much more at the forefront of the text than I thought they would be. He’s so uncertain of his worth in 3x1 but also clearly focused on making progress (the phone call with Sharon was soooo good and funny!?!), and I didn’t expect to feel like part of Ted was almost ready to go on and leave London now, one plane behind Henry. But that’s the feeling I got. But his conversations with Rebecca, Henry, and to a lesser extent Beard have me feeling that there’s a good chance he’s going to recommit to his job for this season and that the decision of whether or not to leave after that will be a bit more woven into the episodes rather than something he contemplates privately. I no longer have strong opinions on what I want most to happen because I’m so excited to just see it unfold.

KEELEY. She schedules time to cry! She double-booked Rebecca! Rebecca calls crying an orgasm for the soul! I love everything about them, including how full and wordy and familiar and intimate their conversational patterns are. Like Rebecca throwing in that she’s started eating meat again; the pacing of their conversations is so well-done because it actually realistically covers multiple topics the way they’d be doing whenever they pick things up.

It’s such a good contrast to the similarly realistic conversations Beard and Ted have, which tend to be a bit less wordy despite their closeness. Also, Ted showing up for work after another goodbye with Henry and having another “pet names” moment?! But this time he just goes on ahead and calls Beard “sweetie pie”? I’m here for it.

The stiltedness of Roy and Keeley with Phoebe! My heart! I love that Keeley has to hold herself back from expressing awareness about how scared Roy is about work stuff. The decision for them to have broken up over the summer and be on different pages about what that means is perfect and delicious and I love it and I love them.

My favorite scene this episode—by far—was Ted’s press conference. Rebecca needs him to step it up and communicates that with an intensity that differs from their previous conversation about West Ham’s pronouns. It feels more angry, more personal. I love the choices he makes in the press conference for what they reveal about where he’s healed and where he’s unhealed. I love that his first press conference in 1x1 was a complete disaster that Rebecca rescued him from even if she put him in that terrible situation in the first place. I love that Ted’s self-roast has echoes of Nate’s very successful roast of the team in 1x7. In both situations, Ted and Nate are bringing a blend of preparedness and the spontaneity that comes from feeding off a crowd’s energy. In Nate’s presser for West Ham, it’s his turn to panic, and he might manage to pull off the pretty pathetic joke about Ted being “shitty” but it’s clear that it’s far from his finest work. I love that Rebecca is starting to soften during the presser with Ted, but it’s Keeley’s (professional) opinion that she’s doing the right thing by letting Ted be Ted that allows her to fully relax into the way he’s working the crowd. I love that we know how much he’s struggling with his value as a coach, father, and human being. I love that this adds a layer of tragedy to his jokes about mental health. I love the kinda iffy decision to say he’s had a bunch of psychotic episodes when that is completely incorrect because it leaves space for the Twin Peaks reference and shows that he’s willing to cross the boundaries of accuracy and the earnestness with which he approached the mental health conversation before to just…organically respond to the energy of the crowd and do whatever it takes to shift the focus. I love that Ted and Rebecca are both correct in their feelings.

I am disappointed in myself because I think I could say far more articulate things about the press conferences, but it’s just too many feelings at once!

Press for s3 has been a rollercoaster, and I’ve been feeling soooo many things about the many unknowns related to stuff I care about. I have my predictions and feelings about it all, but the overarching feeling I have right now is about how last night’s episode was a great reminder that watching TV show Ted Lasso is the best way to get information about TV show Ted Lasso. 3x1 was an incredibly strong opener that confidently reacquaints the threads that were braided together in s1, then unraveled in s2. If s1 was about joy and connection with the lurking of dark shadows from without and within, and s2 was mostly shadow with the light moments feeling very separate from the dark core (to the point of feeling intentionally tonally uncomfortable), then I think s3 is going to be about the way dark and light are always together, all the time, forever, and what we can do with that reality.

#ted lasso #ted lasso 3x1 #ted lasso meta #ted lasso s3 spoilers #meta by me #hot dork club

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