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(Dont open unless you're ok with negative vent)

Yeah im doing really fucking poorly rn. Like. I know we expected to go downhill staying here, i know its expected with everything and the abuse and the trauma here and. The bad. All of the terrible horrible. Just bad. All the trauma coming up from our past, the FLASHBACKS.

Its too much. I can't hold onto stability and wellness right now. It's not in the cards for me and i think that has to be okay. It isn't anti recovery for me to say that i cannot recover here PERIOD. Im so insecure about that. That im just not open to recovery, i wanna get worse and wallow in my shit. I don't. I really don't enjoy feeling like this, and i dont get some kick out of it. I get my reality shunted in my face again and again and i get the reality of all of the people around me. I get ripped down from where i climbed by people who should have pushed me upwards farther.

Im hurting. Its not enough to just be hurt, i am actively hurting pretty consistently. And my body physically cant take it anymore. These episodes only used to flare up sometimes. Now its night after night, and sometimes during the day aggressively. Its unending and way more intense than it usually is. Even Alder and Kiba dont know how to handle me. I'm angrier, i lash out where i dont mean to.

To anyone, even those who will never see this message. Please do not let me lash out at you. Don't let me hurt you. Please tell me I'm being irrational. It keeps happening. Please dont let me isolate myself. Please dont let me do this. I've deleted messaging apps, removed myself from chats, told people i was unavailable to talk. I cut people off only from helping me. I dont cut people off in any other way.

And im desperately afraid right now. Just so sick and scared. Who the hell can i trust? The 3 or 4 friends who have proven over and over and over and over they're unconditionally here for me? The several others who are relatively new in my life that would do anything for me? The family members i never call who tell me to just let them know if EVER i need anything?

How many people have offered me solace and comfort and i dont go to it? How long has it persisted and how long will i continue to thirst for it? How long will trauma keep me desperate and sick and hurting? What am i to ask for when asking for help?

What is to be said? As someone who has NEVER. Had help. Period NEVER. I genuinely dont know what im supposed to ask for. What is there. Because anything they say is stuff i already know and say and do. It isn't fair that that makes me angry.

My cousin said all the comforting little phrases, things will get better. Shes right, ill find someone, this isnt the end of my life. But I'm about a fourth the way through my predicted life span(if im lucky) and it has hurt so bad the entire time that i formed a dissociative disorder. And i still can't act like a person, and not only am i so supremely isolated now, its about to get much worse in that area.

Do you really think that after a year of hell and overstimulation that being completely alone will be GOOD for me? That even though i crave quiet and peace and alone time where im not being percieved, within a month or 2 i will not be behaving incredibly ill? I will be so unbelievably sick in a way i have never been before. I am not prepared. Because if this is how i am with people near me, how will i be once I've finally writhed out and gotten on my own? Im not going to be okay. Im not okay now and im not seeming to improve at all rn. I have opportunity to feel better. But all i feel is agony

hi heres art so you pay attention to me now go read the tags

i am writing an accidental haiku to attract haiku bot

I’m choosing to ignore the fact they probably wouldn’t have space heaters…

no it's fine this mind flayer is totally my friend and 100% honest with me all the time it's ok it likes me everything's so normal

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)

As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)

He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.

(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)

It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.

(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)

OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

but fr outside of my contracted madness i absolutely refuse to give joe alwyn gold rush like how is that song at all related to their relationship the lyrics clearly spell out a relationship that either never existed or only existed in implication and fantasies and maybe-maybe nots and its so bitter and yet desperately soft in the bridge where it almost projects a sense of envy, of wanting to be them as much as you want them. It continues an interesting oft ignored lyrical trend of taylor wanting just as much to be her lover as to have them, envying their easy charisma (you were flush with the currency of cool/i was always turning out my pockets) or quiet dignity (your integrity makes me seem small) dating back to her earliest songs (the kind of flawless i wish i could be). Theres a projected self hatred and yearning to be better that twists itself into both romantic and sexual lust for her partners thats so fascinating and speaks to how all of her songs regardless of who theyre about are also an act of self reflection on who she is and who she wishes to be.

jumping off the back of the post about genres of song lyrics, another thing about tmbg's lyrics in particular is that even when they write about pleasant themes, they still manage to frequently do so through a sinister lens:

the experience of having children and looking after them:

a nice little nightlight protecting a child muses on the shortcomings it would have outside its assigned responsibility:

fantasising about getting high in the park with your crush:

hannah montana but she is in DOOM 

i drew this because vargskelethor did a Linux destruction stream that was hannah montana themed and he played DOOM and it ended up destroying the system. so i had to get the idea of this out im so sorry lmfao

its kinda half-finished but its ok i was tired of working on it. down below is where I turned the DOOM enemies into vargskeletons with their little mushroom hats

and the initial sketch that I said I wouldn’t fix but did anyway because i dont know my priorities

me asking myself if callum would torture someone for information if rayla or ezran's lives were on the line

This was easily one of the best Lupin episodes

Catra being anxious and having panic attacks over the bad things she did is actually counter productive to any hypothetical scenario where she is self reflecting and/or receiving constructive criticism.

Her potentially having crippling anxiety over being an asshole in the past PREVENTS and/or DELAYS any changes she might potentially make.

Making this character spiral over moral dilemmas does not inherently mean she’s actively working to change her ways. Her being afraid of facing her badness does not make her good; it simply means she has anxieties toward constructive criticism/dialogue.

i think its weird that i have to make this disclaimer but the internet is crazy so wtvr,, anyway,,

if i say i dont like something, that doesnt mean "that thing is bad and nobody should post it.."

i swear literally every time i even mention that i dislike something, people will go "wow does that mean u fucking hate me cuz i post that thing? ur a fucking stupid bitch and all ur opinions r wrong" LIKE ?? er.. no. just because i say i dont like certain characterizations of certain characters (the saiki k fandom is CRAZY about this cuz i can state an opinion on literally any character and a group of people will still go 'well only we're allowed to post our opinions about them because we're always right!1!1!'), or certain ship tropes (mentioned my hatred of toxic yaoi maybe once or twice on here months ago and people STILL get mad at me as if i said toxic yaoi lovers r evil or something), or certain ships, or WHATEVER, does not mean that i HATE the people who are posting them or that i think they shouldnt post them at all, NO, im just posting about my personal tastes on my personal blog and it would be extremely weird and hypocritical if i decided that i was the ONLY person that was allowed to do that,,

i think the only reason people assume that is because there are a lot of other people on here who ARE like that, and a lot of people toe the line between posting that they dont like something and posting that they think everyone who likes that thing is stupid, annoying, and wrong,, so i guess all i can say is, sorry for whatever made you make these assumptions but they arent true about me so plz leave me alone ʘ‿ʘ ur doing the same thing to me that ur accusing me of but i didnt do it in the first place so ur just actively being a dick for no reason

what if purple never calls him dad

i'm getting towards the end of the skypeia arc, & i'd like to say just how much i adore the way the female strawhats have been treated.

just... every aspect of how the way their characters have been previously contextualized influences the story-line is treated with a masterful amount of consideration. we're given so many layers to both of them that enrich not only their characters specifically, but the arc, and the one piece world as a whole. without nami & robin having their specific skills, and their specific values, without those being built upon, the story would have come to a halt.

you could not have skypeia without nami & robin being who they are as individuals. not just because they never would've gotten there without nami, but also because the way these women think is itself foundational to the machinations of the arc as a whole.

to be totally upfront, if you think any other strawhats were more central to the skypeia arc than nami & robin were you are full-on fucking lying to yourself.