my miguelody for crybabyanomaly on twt <3

My problems with the Rick and Morty relationship as of the S5 finale [LONG POST]

This has bothered me for nearly a year and with Season 6 coming up I wrote an entire essay explaining / summarizing my thoughts on it, so here we go.

(TL;DR I’m overthinking the pickle man and poopy butthole show, also seriously this is long don’t click until you’re ready for a wall of text)

Like most adult comedies, Rick and Morty features main characters doing morally bankrupt things for our entertainment, and the behavior of Rick towards Morty is no different. Rick being abusive towards his fourteen year-old grandson should be obvious to most viewers and is a pretty fundamental part of the show’s black comedy– Rick drags Morty on surreal, life-threatening, and often traumatic adventures that only serve whatever particular whims or carelessness he’s engaging with that day, and Morty is the hapless naive everyman who has little choice in the matter and most of his attempts to question or resist Rick’s judgment backfire. It’s a very cynical sort of comedy, with just an occasional bit of heart sprinkled in to keep us invested.

However, while it’s often played for dark laughs, the series also tries to play Rick and Morty's character dynamic for more serious and dramatic purposes as time goes on. It’s similar to how the dysfunction of the Smith-Sanchez family overall starts to be taken more seriously as a plot point instead of just a vehicle for episodic hijinks, but this had the potential to be even more potent, as these are the two titular characters. Even with the occasional heartwarming moments, Rick’s abusive behavior and the recurring trauma of adventures start to affect Morty’s character, which in turn starts to affect his dynamic with Rick and increase the friction between the two of them as Morty becomes more jaded, more independent, and less willing to put up with Rick’s bullshit.

I’ll be upfront, I found this to be one of the most interesting slow-burn arcs of the show, even though the consistency of it on an episode-to-episode basis understandably varied. I was never really amused by the jokes about Rick constantly exploiting and belittling his grandson, especially since they kept dropping hints that you shouldn’t be entirely comfortable with what amounts to blatant child abuse, and the more we learned about their relationship and how much control Rick cultivated over Morty to guarantee he'd never leave or want to leave, the more disturbing it got, to put it lightly. But from an early stage they also foreshadowed that Morty wasn't going to be a hapless kid forever– the effects of the adventures started sinking in and affecting his worldview in interesting ways, like after they jumped universes and buried their dead selves, and the first Evil Morty episode both showed Morty gaining more confidence and foreshadowed what could happen if he got "cocky". The main Rick and Morty dynamic corrupting and deteriorating was something that was unappealing to a lot of fans, and I can see why, since it undermined some of the charm present in early seasons, but for me, it was exactly the kind of consequential character development I was looking for. The concept of it was dark and thrilling, like watching a train crash in slow motion, and I had high hopes for where they'd take it.

It's a shame, then, that they dropped the ball hard when it came to giving this arc a satisfactory conclusion in Season 5. In fact, the execution was so bad that I actually lost interest in the protagonists almost entirely going forward, because in just two episodes the writers have convinced me they don't understand their own characters or what unsettling implications they're laying down regarding their relationship anymore.

First, let's rewind a bit and explore how Rick and Morty's relationship was developed throughout the seasons, and how very little of it pointed towards the Season 5 two-parter's conclusion.

From the very beginning, Morty never had much agency or choice in his relationship with Rick. He was an average teenage kid before the start of the series, albeit one with no friends, a learning disability that affected his ability to do well in school, impulsive hormones and anxiety when it came to girls, and two neglectful parents who mostly just talked down to him and were more concerned with their marital issues than his well-being. After Rick arrived and took advantage of Beth's abandonment issues to stay in her house for free, he immediately took an interest in Morty and started dragging him along on often dangerous adventures, usually without asking or considering Morty's welfare, because Morty is vulnerable and isolated enough that he's basically perfect for fulfilling all of Rick's needs. 

As a tagalong / sidekick, Morty fulfills Rick's desperate need for companionship (our Rick blatantly craves human connection and family despite how much he tries to hide it, and Morty is basically a best friend who won't / can't leave him easily like the others in Rick's life have), exploitation (free drug mule for smuggling illegal items, extra hands to shoot enemies, living brainwave shield, constantly available test subject, someone younger and more "unremarkable" to lord his superiority over), and enablement (Morty tends to implicitly accept or forgive a degree of Rick's toxic behavior, and even if he complains about it and tries to reign in the worst of it at times, he's still become an unwitting enabler whose attempts to mitigate Rick's damage are a losing battle). And keep these counterbalancing traits in mind for later, because we later on we learn this is not a coincidence at all.

There is some good in the relationship, like how Rick genuinely cares about Morty which has driven him to do protective and selfless things, how Morty finally has someone who actually is interested in spending time with him, and they do enjoy each others' company and banter like real friends when doing fun low-stakes activities like watching TV or blowing up an evil alien civilization together, but there being good moments sprinkled among the overwhelming bad just affirms further that there's a cycle of abuse going on. It's actually quite common for abusers to care about their victims, and Rick being a complex man with genuine affection for his grandson does not mitigate his recurring abusive treatment in any way– in fact, it actually strongly factors into it considering how unhealthily Rick's attachment is expressed over time, and how the good moments are often used as justification for Morty remaining trapped in the cycle. Morty being able to badger some favors out of Rick is less of an equalizer and more just an occasional grudging concession given to him to make him stop complaining. Rick is still largely the one in control of the relationship, and it's far, far more designed for his benefit than for Morty's.

Speaking of superficial equalizers, the show gives Morty key moments that almost seem to be an attempt at giving him meaningful agency in his relationship with Rick. By the end of the first season and well into the second, he's had the chance to call it quits or abandon Rick multiple times but instead he puts his faith in Rick and chooses to keep going on adventures. This supposed agency is undermined, however, when you remember the scenes where Birdperson guilts Morty into forgiving or enduring Rick's behavior because Rick is complex and suffering from his own traumas, the fact Morty has literally no other friends in his life besides Rick, the fact his family barely pays attention to him, and the fact Rick both cultivates and takes advantage of Morty's isolation / dependency for his own benefit, even expressing the red flag of intense jealousy at Morty finding anything fulfilling to do outside of hanging out with him. Therefore, I thought these key moments were intentional and realistic, showing the kind of traumatic bond Morty has formed with Rick through the cycle of abuse, and it explains Morty's conflicted feelings on Rick and why, early on, he hadn't yet learned to walk away from what's ultimately a deeply toxic and threatening situation for him.

You would think that the reasonable, foreshadowed way for this arc to progress is by having Rick steadily lose his control over Morty as the effects of the abuse, trauma, and moral corruption start compounding, and that's exactly what started happening from Season 3 onward as part of its deconstruction of Rick’s character. Instead of Rick being given central focus while Morty took a supportive role that empathized and supported him in spite of everything, for the first time Morty is given more attention as a jaded victim who is finally growing bitter about both his role, his family, and Rick as a person. Morty became more outspoken, seeking more ways of being independent from Rick, being quicker to resort to violence, and he started prioritizing protecting the rest of the family from Rick over his loyalty to Rick specifically. He even managed to manipulate Rick into taking Jerry on an adventure, just to get a break from it all.

Meanwhile, Rick's actions towards Morty just kept getting more possessive and controlling. First, Rick broke out of prison and took down the Galactic Federation to trigger the divorce of Morty's parents, earning Beth and Summer's adoration in the process, so he could (among other things) take Morty on adventures without question and without limitations, threatening Morty with turning his remaining family against him if Morty tried to reveal this manipulation. Rick and Beth both completely shut down Morty and Summer's uneasy hopes of getting an actual therapist after said therapist called Rick out for his corruptive influence on the family. Another episode revealed that Rick regularly wipes memories from Morty's brain not just to erase traumatizing events, but to maintain his power and cultivate how Morty perceives him, which basically sounds like advanced sci-fi gaslighting to me. There's also pretty much the entire Vindicators episode, where Rick was so jealous that Morty looked up to someone other than him that he got blackout drunk and engineered a gauntlet of traps to murder or expose all of Morty's heroes, and Morty shows just how jaded and experienced he is with dealing with Rick’s blackout stints that he defuses drunk-Rick’s poorly assembled bombs with ease.

There's a small setback in the Season 4 premiere, where Morty once again happily chooses to keep adventuring with Rick, which felt even weirder than the last few examples because Beth (newly emboldened to question Rick) somehow becomes convinced that her teenage son consenting to the dangerous adventures makes them okay instead of something she should employ actual parental intervention against, and this really only seems done to perpetuate the status quo. Still, it was easy to look past considering it could be easily read as the abusive cycle continuing, plus Morty's arc of growing less dependent and more defiant towards Rick was advanced in the same season… and Rick, who has been established by this point to be the far more codependent one in their dynamic, did not take well to it.

Rick takes his abuse to all new levels in Season 4, almost as if he's overcompensating for losing some of his control over the family in the Season 3 finale. In one episode, he destroys several inhabited planets and creates an overly elaborate heist scheme just to psychologically manipulate Morty into giving up on his dream of a Netflix movie deal, because it risked Morty becoming less interested in adventuring with him. Yeah, just in case you thought Morty's constant choosing of Rick was worth more than jack shit, Rick deliberately circumvents Beth's "Morty has to make decisions of his own free will" rule just to ruin his grandson's dreams and keep him entirely dependent on him and his adventures. This man is petty.

This pattern of terrifyingly controlling behavior culminates in probably the worst (and most intentionally cruel) thing Rick has ever done to Morty just to assert dominance over him, and that's the Vat of Acid Episode.

The Vat of Acid Episode is probably the main example to point to when explaining why the Season 5 finale doesn't work. Rick isn't portrayed as somehow oblivious or not having the empathy to understand Morty's perspective here– he not only perfectly understands and predicts Morty's behavior enough to manipulate a long-term revenge scheme against him, he's gleefully and intentionally cruel in how he tricks, tortures, and humiliates his own grandson for the crime of… talking back to him and insulting his acid vat gambit. Morty, meanwhile, is portrayed as "cocky" in how he aggressively talks back to Rick, and when given the time-looping remote he behaves rather independently and shows he’s capable of almost thriving on his own for months at a time, initially messing around via committing crimes and immoral experiments but eventually forming a healthy romance with a girl and surviving a gruesome disaster with her, all while not seeming to mind Rick being absent for nearly that entire period. He even apologizes the moment he thinks he really hurt Rick's feelings and tries to reach out to Rick in the same episode, and this is just part of how Rick faked weakness to emotionally manipulate Morty and take advantage of his misguided hope that their relationship can be fixed with honesty and communication. “The world will know when I try to hurt you”, indeed.

And yet, in spite of Rick ramping up his abuse to new levels, Morty's development still seemed to be sticking, at least in the long run. He was still acting more aggressive and pushing back against Rick, and despite him occasionally trying to reach out and mend things with Rick because he was hopeful things could improve, he repeatedly showed that he didn't really need Rick, at least not nearly as much as Rick needed him. It seemed like all Rick was doing was delaying– or perhaps accelerating– the inevitable moment when he lost control of Morty entirely and couldn't depend on his support anymore. Combined with the family's respect for Rick hitting rock bottom in the Season 4 finale, it seemed to be setting him up for a reckoning of sorts.

However, Season 5 started shaky with the writing seemingly ignoring the previous finale by not having Rick really have to work to regain the family's respect, or even having it acknowledged much at all aside from all the characters being more snarky towards him. But Morty still felt somewhat authentic at least (infamous and regressive horse sperm episode aside)– he was given badass, disturbingly Rick-like moments and independent subplots showing just how much he's corrupted and evolved as a character since early seasons, and combined with Rick acting a little nicer and more contemplative at times, I still had hope they were on track to bring the arc to a satisfactory climax.

And… well, they tried. But it really makes me question what kind of attitudes the writers even have towards abuse, based on how they portrayed it.

The first episode of the two-parter finale, the two crows episode, genuinely feels bizarre in how it decided to frame Rick and Morty's relationship. The argument between the two at the start of the episode that leads to them falling out with each other (or "breaking up" as the episode puts it, like it really wants to make this some sort of romantic allegory, which is gross and off-base for numerous reasons I shouldn’t have to explain) makes it seem like their core problem is them not trusting or communicating with each other. Like if Rick wasn't so quick to dismiss the concerns of Morty, and Morty wasn't so quick to assume the worst of Rick, everything would be much less toxic. Rick, at the end of the episode and having his mind opened by his two crow replacement sidekicks "teaching him empathy", acknowledges that he was abusive but also believes his problem was never treating Morty like a "real partner", once again bringing it back to that idea of the lack of mutual trust and respect being the cause.

The problem with that framing, aside from it blatantly misrepresenting the actual fundamental problems of their dynamic, is that… Morty is fourteen.

Because of how the show takes place along a floating timeline and refuses to age the characters– confirmed by fourth wall breaks and the creators in interviews, and Justin Roiland even said he considers Morty growing up to be jumping the shark– Morty will always remain fourteen, too. A fourteen year-old can be hardened and matured by trauma and complex experiences like everyone else, and they can also do incredibly shitty things, but simply from a developmental standpoint you cannot "both-sides" his relationship with Rick, an adult man who not only fully knows what he's been doing but has more power, agency, and capability to abuse it than Morty realistically ever will. By narratively treating Morty as an adult in his relationship with Rick, it glosses over a fundamental aspect of not only why the dynamic is as fucked up as it is, but how the relationship got to this breaking point in the first place. Rick's problem was never about him not trusting Morty or treating him as an equal partner. Rick's problem was about him not stepping up and being the grandfather Morty needed, and by abusing his power over Morty every step of the way so that he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of his own terrible behavior or face his own humanity.

Rick and Morty were behaving in a very strange and out-of-character manner in the two crows episode, anyway, to the point I feel like I can just chalk it up to bad writing. Morty had exactly two moments this episode where I felt his character lined up with his previous development– him secretly taking the portal gun and cleaning up Rick's messes in the cold open, echoing Vindicators, and him managing to be aggressive and competent enough to kill Nick in self-defense. For the rest of the episode, Morty whines about Rick not trusting him while immediately trusting the random inmate in his hand-portal and breaking him out to be his substitute / "rebound" Rick, gets upset over Rick replacing him when he has barely shown any similar jealous inclinations since Season 2, and gets even more upset and heartbroken at Rick deciding to end their partnership and leave with the crows when he’s shown way less of a reaction to Rick leaving any time in the past. Rick, meanwhile, acts almost oblivious in his jerkassery as though his abrasive treatment of Morty was just not from understanding him properly, he somehow reaches his epiphany about his abuse of Morty not from losing control over him or the narrative giving Rick actual consequences for his behavior but by two random characterless crows taking him on a spiritual anime journey, and he gets to have the mature moral high ground at the end of the episode by talking to Morty about why they're bad for each other, making the choice to leave for Morty’s own good and to work on himself, supposedly. All of this is portrayed in a sincere and melodramatic manner (with an equally melodramatic song over the ending montage) that clearly wants you to be upset by their separation, but it just had me distracted by how badly the characters were being handled and how few reasons the series had given for me to want them to reunite.

And to undermine their poor attempt at a serious emotional episode even further, the writers just completely backtrack nearly all of that development not even five minutes into the next episode– but not before tossing even more of Morty's arc and characterization in the trash.

Morty falls apart almost completely with Rick gone, like he's having a codependency-fueled breakdown. He trails after Rick for weeks on his anime crow adventures, rather than using his farewell-gifted portal gun for literally anything else. It reaches the point where Morty decides to go to the Citadel, buy an aging serum, and emotionally blackmail Rick into coming home by pretending decades have passed in Rick’s absence. After the crows suddenly break up with Rick to end that subplot, he immediately throws away his supposed character growth and returns home to Morty, except now Morty is so overjoyed and relieved by Rick coming back that no reconciliation is needed and they're both immediately willing to go back on adventures. And to further cement the regression of both of their characters, Rick is only superficially nicer to Morty while still doing stuff like making him poison-test the presidential dinner on the Citadel, with Morty still eagerly supporting him. So much for “learning empathy.” It raises the question of what the two crows episode even was for.

On the Citadel, the writing tries to set up Rick and Morty facing a reckoning where they choose to be truly equal partners, with Morty forcing more concessions and communication out of Rick, but not only is that not significantly different than how their dynamic worked in the past (and as stated doesn’t actually deal with the core issues), in the context of seeing how needy and hopeless Morty was in Rick’s absence, it just feels completely hollow and almost laughable. Like, I’m convinced that if they wrote Morty as being largely unaffected and doing fun solo adventures in Rick’s absence, coming up with another reason for them to end up on the Citadel together for the plot, it’d solve half of the problems in the finale right there (even though the two crows episode would remain awful and pointless). Morty’s agency is shown to be way too compromised for any of his choices to mean anything, and it just reads to me like Rick is taking advantage (intentionally or otherwise) of the psychologically manipulative groundwork he’s laid for Morty throughout the series rather than actually forming a fresh start with him.

Look, in isolation, I could see it as vaguely realistic for an abuse victim in a codependent trauma bond to not know how to deal with their abuser suddenly apologizing and leaving, except Morty has never been characterized as this needy for Rick in the entire series. He dealt just fine with Rick leaving seemingly for good in the Season 2 finale (and was more disappointed with Rick abandoning Beth again than anything else), and if anything he tried multiple times to be his own independent person throughout the series and it was Rick who was horrifically clingy and emotional in Morty’s absence. The only explanation I have for why the writers decided to portray Morty as so pathetic is they wanted to either romanticize mutual codependency, skip past the part where Rick would have to earn Morty's forgiveness because quick and easy reconciliation allows them to move past this conflict as fast as possible and get back to wacky adventures, set up the "bred for forgiveness" plot point out of nowhere for later in the episode, or all three.

Oh yeah, "bred for forgiveness”. Have I mentioned that this same finale reveals Mortys are literally mass engineered and bred by Ricks to be their forgiving stooges? The detailed memories showing the Citadel’s gruesome industrialized cloning processes and Beth-Jerry manipulation were harvested straight from Rick C137's brain, too, so even if he wasn't directly involved in the creation of the "Morty Market" (something left ambiguous since he was a founding member of the Citadel in the first place), he was still fully aware of it the whole time while continuing to exploit Morty for his own benefit. Way to make the implicit abuse of power in the dynamic even worse, writers. Clearly, just communication and respect and Rick revealing his tragic backstory are needed to fix this. /sarcasm

You would think that the most satisfying narrative way for Rick to face consequences for engineering this coercive system and manipulating Morty throughout the series, all for the purpose of making Morty never able to leave or stop supporting him, would be for his efforts to finally fail and for Morty to break away seemingly for good-- requiring Rick to put in serious effort to examine his underlying trauma and truly work on himself before there was even a chance at reconciliation, no forgiveness necessary for him to change. However, the opposite happens in the finale’s climax, where in the big emotional moment, Morty reaffirms his position as Rick's partner, but this time it's his choice (... supposedly, as the writing asks us to forget the events before this point that have heavily shaped this kid��s choices, plus his unsettling codependent and Rick-pleasing behavior, which they literally just explained as being instilled into him by the person he's forgiving) so it's totally ok, really.

It may sound like I'm asking for Morty to just be Evil Morty here, and I'll admit I found the Season 5 finale’s portrayal of Evil Morty awesome and cathartic for the same reasons I initially found our Morty's arc to be compelling in the first place, but the most frustrating thing is that they totally could have written Rick and Morty reconciling enough to keep adventuring together in a way that didn't feel unearned and extremely uncomfortable in context of Morty’s abuse. I understand, at least on on a broad-strokes level, why the finale is like this– the show has five whole seasons left, they can’t separate the titular characters for that long, since their dynamic and the comedy thereof is practically the selling point. But they could have at least made it happen in a way that actually respected the character development up until that point and didn’t send weird implications that undermined whatever emotional moments they were trying to make.

Let’s talk about a hypothetical alternative two-parter finale. Have the crow episode still be about Rick and Morty having a falling out, but present it differently– have Morty, fed up with cleaning after Rick’s messes and more aware than ever about Rick’s controlling behavior, finally snap at Rick and decide to run away. Morty has no desire for a rebound adventuring partner, so he goes on a solo adventure, allowing him to figure himself out and unpack both his trauma at Rick’s hands and his own troubling behaviors he’s developed, learning in the process that he’s both highly relieved and mildly lonely in Rick’s absence, although not enough to want to go back. Meanwhile, have Rick’s plot be about him spiraling without Morty, trying to find substitutes and failing because the crows, while clever, don’t fill the same niche at all, and Rick is forced to truly confront himself and his unaddressed trauma without Morty around to be his living emotional crutch. Have the climax of the first episode be that they run into and/or rescue each other at a chance encounter, and they mutually conclude they need time apart but this time it’s established and firmly enforced by Morty, and agreed upon by Rick, showing his development via feeling genuine remorse for his abusive behavior and trying to respect Morty’s boundaries.

In the revised second episode, since it’s made far clearer that Morty doesn’t need Rick, have the Citadel conflict be them more working together out of necessity / familiarity / trusting the “devil-you-know” instead of the devil-you-don’t (Evil Morty). Perhaps Morty, while on a solo adventure, gets captured by Evil Morty to be held hostage as bait for Rick, justifying how the Citadel comes back since even in canon Evil Morty admitted he was planning to hunt down our Rick for his memories, and the rest of the episode and lore reveals play out somewhat similarly– except this time, Morty’s final choosing and “forgiveness” of Rick is explicitly conditional on Rick actually having shown noticeable improvements, and Morty makes it clear that he’s on thin fucking ice from here on out. It would have been more consistent with Morty’s arc, more believable as a healthier do-over without easy forgiveness or superficial empathy lessons, and been way more satisfying as the start of a Rick redemption and reconciliation arc that gives Morty real agency, in my opinion.

As it is, though, I don’t really have much hope for them improving this in future seasons without a serious retcon or two. It doesn’t really matter how much Rick improves and redeems himself from now on, or how much his relationship with Morty actually evolves to be one of mutual respect. As the Season 5 finale is currently written, Morty literally exists to service Rick's character arc at expense of his own, and in a finale that claims to be all about them rejecting the abusive elements of their dynamic and choosing to finally work as equals, that pretty much sours the entire plotline for me.

my favorite thing to do in the entire world is when a non sanrio fan brings up pompompurin is mention that his charm point is his butthole :-)

Some thoughts watching Nightmare Time 2 episode 3

- I didn’t like Sherman too much in Black Friday, but throughout the entirety of Young At Heart I was just like “Oh. He’s me.” 

- That glitch at the end where all the care bears turned into the Lords In Black. HOLY FRICK. That made me stop breathing. Freaking gut drop. Gosh dang. Soul-chilling. God. Frick.

- I NEVER expected anything about THIS from Frank Pricely. Black Friday made it seem like all he cared about was money but??? He just loves toys?????? He just genuinely loves toys??????? He just wants to sell toys??????????? My heart?????????????? I’m gonna be SAD when this guy gets frick over. Heck. I expected this to be like Linda Monroe, just enjoying a butthole get subjected to a heck ton of struggle and ultimately get their comeuppance, but no, I LIKE this guy now. Frick. (and i really was just meant to start watching this at the exact time I did, huh? i just had a whole moment with my stuffed animals that i won’t get into here)

- When Sherman said “growing up is for the poor.” I. It kind of felt like a knife in the gut honestly.

- Jaime playing both Sherman AND Sheila. She has the ✨RANGE.✨

- I kind of agree with what Frank said about how he had to work for the money for his own toys and Sherman’s just getting spoiled and all, but I’m kind of worried abou how his attempts to change that will go. 

- Hey, teaching Sherman to make eggs is all well and good, but did he really have to say “what kind of breakfast is that for a grown-[butt] man” to Sherman wanting Marshmallow Charms???? People can like cereal with marshmallows in it at any age, what happened to “growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional”?????

- ............................So THAT all happened. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

- Sherman hearing the window-knocking and saying “Peter Pan? :-D” gave me shrimp emotions

- What Frank said about the Youngs’s money turning them into monsters though. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

- I can’t help feeling for Sherman, I’m sorry. With everything Frank says to him. Even if the being-coddled-to-the-point-that-he-thinks-actual-cereal-will-break-his-teeth and stuff is real messed up.

- MAN IN A HURRY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

- HE HAS A NAME. BARRY SWIFT. THE MAN IN A HURRY HAS A NAME, IT’S BARRY SWIFT.

- Frank’s broken sobbing when he says there’s no way out,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, god,,,,,,,,,,,

- I’m with Sherman on the wanting to go to Toyzone in person because “you can’t capture the same tactile experience online.” And I hope his love of Toyzone means Sheila does have to let Frank out and let it keep going.

- I. Deeply appreciate how even as they make Barry Swift somewhat more of an actual fleshed-out character (and give me the Feels about him) they make his whole character still be “man in a hurry.”

- The shrimp emotions I’m feeling throughout this whole thing, gosh dang.

- Frank really IS one gosh dang heck of a salesman.

- Barry 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 F

- IT’S FREAKING TED?????????????????????????

- SHE JUST FREAKING SHOT HIM, DIDN’T EVEN JUST TELL HIM TO LEAVE GJAFLIDUGHADFLIUGHAIULGHDGF

- “you and i are the only two people that matter. everyone else is...livestock, to us.” Wow. She really is the epitome of the out-of-touch rich that need to be eaten. 

- I’m sorry too Barry 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- What even. IS Marco anyway.

- GO FRAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKK

- Oh frick

- Oh god she’s a worshipper of the Lords in Black

- OH MY GOD THAT’S HOW SHE STAYS LOOKING YOUNG FRICK GOSH DANGIT THEY BETTER NOT DO A WHOLE DETAILED-DESCRIPTION YOUTH-DRAINING THING ON HIM OR THE REVERSE OF THAT WHOLE THING ON HER I HATE THOSE, THE EVIL QUEEN TRANSFORMATION SCENE IN SNOW WHITE TRAUMATIZED ME IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

- Oh thank frick

- “It’s a bunch of gibberish! No one could memorize those words!” I’m sure plenty of people could, lady.

- “I did.” “An evil grin comes to Sherman’s lips.” OH GOD

- “Realizing the drawing was a trap. A test of her love. A test she failed.” ngujbsnougbsoiagbruwgabwiorwhirapfbpirawipghdipsjfipasjgapirhnpgi

- OH NO OH GOD okay Imma have to turn my volume off for this--

- H O L Y   F R I C K

- .....................................................................I had hoped, for awhile there, that there was a possibility if Sheila was out of the way and he just had Frank’s influence, he could be taught to be less out of touch and less of a brat, if still childlike at heart as ever.  I guess the frick not.

- WELP. NEW STORY NOW.

- I love Duke and Miss Holloway so much.

- Hey, don’t you insult Barbie, Rose, she’s a legit feminist icon. If you actually saw the stuff on her YouTube channel or in Barbie movies...

- essential oils klsfglksjklgsdgsdkgjsd

- HOLY FRICK GOSH DANG WEB AVATAR JUNK JFGJAETRFSKJTEGHETD

- OOOOOOOOO DID SHE TIME TRAVEL?????????????????????????

- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BODY POSSESSION JGOIRSHGNSOUGVNSODNGAIDBGOIABGFAOIDFNADOIG

- YO HOLY WHAT THE FRICK--

- This better not kill me irl.

- I thought “this isn’t gonna kill Miss Holloway instead now, is it?” and well. Frick.

- OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN SHE BETTER NOT TRY TO RIP THEIR THROATS OUT GOSH DANGIT

- JFILEUBGIWRBGIWBGIUBEFIBEAIUFBEAIGBAEFUIDAFHG

- Read the thing read the thing read the thing

- Rose 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

- Read the thing read the thing read the thing

- “whatever you do, don’t call an ambulence” JREILGBESILUGBREIULGBRWUILGBWRAILSBGSIUBGREIUBFUILERFBIUVRSBGIUSRBGILURBSIFURBSIUFLSRBIUGBRSIUGABSDIULAGBDSIUAGBSIUGBSLDIAFUISDBGIUSDBIUSDABGUSIDG

- the only way i think it could’ve been clearer is if she had said to read the note immediately if something happened.

- JGIHODISFHKFDGFGILUFHGISFDLSDIOHFIOHFDIGSFNIOGNFDG

- “THE DEAL” JRDIGLAFSIGHDAFLUIHDFAHG SHE MADE A DEAL WITH SOMETHING OR SOMECREATURE ONCE AND PART OF IT IS THAT SHE CAN’T EXPLAIN HER BACKSTORY AND STUFF TO ANYCREATURE OR THEY’LL FORGET IT ALL AND WE CAN’T KNOW ABOUT THAT DEAL GOSH FREAKING DANGIT JGEHRNLIUGADBULGBAILUGNAFLGAFNJKGHFJKGFS

- Is it going to be the Honey Festival?

- CALLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- PFFFFFT HIM SAYING ALL OF HATCHETFIELD ARE “INSECTS” AND ALL OF THAT AND FINDING OUT THE MIC’S STILL ON JSKDHGSKDJHGLJSHGS

- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY WHAT THE FRICK PLOT TWIST ON EPISODE 1 NOT EVEN IN THE EPISODE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! GRSIUDGUHADFILUGNARSFIULGHADFIULGHDAFIUGHEARIUGHREAIUGLBRSAIUGBSIUAGBSAFIUGJWRSIUFHRSAIUGSBIAUGSBDAIFUSDABIUFAJGLIAFNGUILSFAHLUIFDHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- IFNHLDIAUHGWALUIRSHGILREUSAGIULRABGLIUSARBGIUSABGISLFDAUGBSFAIUGNELAGIUBRASUIGNRSAH MISSING MOMENT FROM FIRST HALF OF THIS EPISODE TOO SKFJGLISFADHNGISLAFHGILSFAHGILSFAJGUILFSAJHIUSFAHGFIUGBSFUIBSIUFGBFSIUSBIUBSFIUNSIDUAHFAIUHJSA

- Oop. I mean, he could’ve been more subtle, but. Hard to come up with a convincing way to talk somecreature out of that on the spot. 

- Oops

- Thanks Miss Holloway

- Go Rose find out what his deal is maybe knock him out

- KNOCK HIM OUT KNOCK HIM OUT

- “I don’t have a choice.” What????

- “I don’t even think I’m human anymore.” *blinks, TMA brain rot poking at this*

- Well holy frick

- GRAB HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS HAND NOW

- OH DANG

- FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK FRICK

- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PLAY OVER IT OKAY JGSDIUFLGNDSFILUGSIUHBFAULGDFALGIAH

- HECK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THIS A JAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- THE FADEOUT AT THE END BECAUSE 80S MUSIC ALWAYS DID THAT SDLKFSJGKLFS NICE

- RSJGJFSNAGLSAFIUBSFAILUGNRISAGLNRSILGBSILUABFIULGBSIUFABGIUSFBGIUDFABGIUSFBGIUSFBJFSFAJKBGUISFABGIUSFBGIUSFGBIUSLBADFUIDSBIUSBAGUISFIJBUIDSBIFLSDNGIUSDG

- HECK YEAH DUKE

- Oh man. Poor Kale. Genuinely, I feel bad for the guy. F.

- I wouldn’t call it ALL Duke, I would say it was like. Half and half. They were a team. They both saved the day. Together.

- Wait he’s gonna forget her????????????????????????????????????

- *BURSTS INTO UNCONTROLLABLE SOBBING*

- *SOBS MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE*

- fdamglkafsgkladfgjkfdjkfdgjkfgjHGLJFHGJLFGkjhgfjkgsfjkgsf🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💗💗💗💗💗💗💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

- HOLY FRICK RETRO ROCK REMIX OF THE NIGHTMARE TIME THEME GADGILUFDBGEFLIUADBGIFASLBGAIULSFBGILUASFBGLIUSADBGLIUFSABGIUSABGILSDAGILFAUBGIFLANGILUASFNGSAFGN PLUS WEIRD ANIMATED AVATAR THINGY ASDFHGLIUFADSBGUISFABGIUASBLIGUASDBILGUSADBILGUSDAHIGUADSGLIUASBGLIDASGUIAGLSAUIFGDGFSIJGSDBFUISDBUISBGUISBGUISBG

i quote that tiktok that goes "this is pompompurin and his charm point is his butthole!" all the time

Also read a book called Keeper of the Lost Cities. Honestly? A lot better than I thought it would be. I just wanted a commentary on the characters, not the plot, so this is spoiler free! 

Sophie: Classic main character, not a lot of strong points but not a lot of faults. She is a very well written character (especially when it comes to grief), but she is a bit too over powered for my liking (depends on your preference). Overall, a good main character. 

Fitz: Honestly, pretty good overall. I would make him either a little less of a girl-magnet, or give Dex a crush on him, but that’s because I’m too tired of seeing such a blatant love interest sometimes. 

Dex: Great character overall! I think Dex is super charming, and I am so glad that his character gets its time in the spotlight. I just wish he liked his Technopathy (god Dex do you know how cool that is?) and I wish he didn’t have such a grudge against Fitz (I think it would be nice to make it so that he was just trying not to be in love with Fitz, but that will probably never happen) The ‘bad match’ thing was a little unnecessary though. 

Keefe: 10/10, wholesome joker for the win! I really loved Keefe, if you can’t tell. He wasn’t a mean joker overall, he just joked about Sophie being Mysterious and he was really supportive. I need more Keefes in books.

Marella: Good character. I really liked Marella but she never got the chance to shine, what with Dex helping Sophie out with all her classes and Fitz being one of Sophie’s main guides to the Lost Cities. Give me more Marella! 

Jensi: same with Marella. Good character, not enough chance to shine. 

Most Adults: Go away! I want more of the kids! 

Grady and Edaline: Precious adults. God they went through so much with Jolie dying and no one can even relate because Elves don’t die of old age. Do wonder why they decided to cancel Sophie’s adoption though... but it’s okay! They re-adopted Sophie!

Tiergan: Oh how I wished that he and Prentice were together, but it turns out that when Prentice got his mind broke and got exiled, and his wife died (likely due to grief), Tiergan adopted Prentice’s son, so I’m just gonna hold on the the feeling that Tiergan had unrequited love for Prentice and Prentice was a stupid oblivious dude because of course he was. Anyway Tiergan might win the best adult reward, maybe third best after Grady and Edaline though. 

Elwin: Why does nobody ask him why he makes the lick-locks taste so gross??? 

Almost forgot Biana! Biana: Thought she was unecessary in the beginning, but I’m a sucker for the “only was friends with you because they made me, but I actually want to be friends now” trope 

Stina: shove a reekrod up your butt Stina (though I do think her thing with Dex is not actually that much her fault, because it is a “I only did this because you did that because I did this because you did that” kind of thing, but she did not have to be mean to Sophie, so she is a butthole)

Just Do the Thing

Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Word Count: 1055

Summary: You’re waiting for Dean at the bar but someone beats him to it. Dean’s not to happy when he shows up.

Warnings: Smut, Claiming,unwanted attention from an asshole alpha.

Written for @sdavid09 ’s 2020 bingo challenge filling the square ‘one shot’

Written for: @spngenrebingo / @spnabobingo / @spnkinkbingo / @spnquotebingo / @/spnonewordbingo

Squares filled: a/b/o / (honey/blackberries/bourbon) / omegaverse / “ you’re in a relationship with me. Everything will never be okay!” /  hickey

“You wanna dance, sweet cheeks?”

Great,another Alpha that wasn’t your own was hitting on you. The Alpha’s scent makes you gag into your drink. The scent is much too unpleasant, too overpowering for you to bear.

“No thanks, I’m waiting for someone actually. I think it would be best if you just left.” You tried telling him but the Alpha was persistent and not in the charming way either.

“Oh, you’re a feisty omega, I see.” The Alpha licked his chops and crossed his arms over his chest, looking you up and down as if you were a piece of meat. There was no way that this guy was getting laid tonight.The bartender’s voice broke your concentration from your suddenly very interesting glass of alcohol.

“Beat it, Randy, she’s not interested. Go away or go home.”

Before the Alpha finally sauntered away, he made sure to spread his scent over you, rubbing his body over yours, like it was his to claim, like you were his. It was disgusting how Alpha’s like him behaved, even more so that they got away with it.

Your heart was stammering in your chest, your body shivering at the uncomfortability that the Alpha had caused. It wasn’t until the bartender had snapped his fingers and a burly guy had stormed over to you. Quickly, he resolved the situation by removing him from the bar. Rolling your eyes, you shook your head in annoyance and finished off the remainder of your drink.

Pulling out your wallet, you paid for your drink and told him to keep the change. You made quick work of getting out of your seat and into the safety of the ladies bathroom. It was horrible that any bathroom became a kind of sanctuary.

The counter was a great place to slump on, at this point you really hated Alpha’s.

After a breather and a calmer chest, you hated this feeling but you had to go back out just to get out of this place and even though Randy had been thrown out he still gave you the creeps.

Once you were outside, the air was harsh against your warm skin and for once you welcomed it. It was better than the overwhelming stench of Alpha. But then it all faded away.

Your Alpha’s scent crowded your nose before he came into view. The soft scent of honey and bourbon soothing you before he got to you and took a sniff. The scent of blueberries had come and gone. He was none too pleased at the smell of another Alpha on you. 

Dean’s nostrils flared, his smile disappearing. There was no way that this was going unanswered, he didn’t even need you to tell him who it was or what he did. Your Alpha stormed back to the entrance of the bar and sniffed out the culprit, nowhere to be seen until the bodyguard stopped the man from coming in.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Dean challenged the other Alpha, getting into his face and staring him down. “You’re obscenely brave to mess with another Alpha’s Omega.”

Your eyes widened when you heard Dean laugh at the man. There was no laugh that anyone desired to hear, it was a murderous laugh, like he was ready to rip this guy’s throat out if he even thought about you. If you didn’t intervene then the other Alpha would be dean or close to it and you didn’t want a death being traced back to the two of you.

*

“You know this wouldn’t keep happening if you just did the thing.” You said nonchalantly, as you began folding your laundry.

“This ‘thing’ you speak of is dangerous. You’re in a relationship with me. Everything will never be okay! If I do it you are bound to me forever. There is no going back.”

“You selfish butthole.” You threw the tee you had in your hand angrily back into the laundry basket. “If I had that thing it would be much less dangerous. Shit like that wouldn’t happen if you just claim me as your own.”

Dean scoffed, an eyebrow raised in skepticism. He looked up from his book, he really didn’t want to put you in danger but he knew that you had a point. Knew you were right about being safer by being claimed. But there was still the nagging feeling in the back of his mind that he shouldn’t do the job that he had put a target on every single person that he came into contact with. It would only increase the chance of you being put in even more danger if you were claimed.You could have been used as leverage and the thought was just about enough to make him feral. He knew what he had to do, and he was going to give you what you needed.

Dean’s snarled, he forgot about his book, tossing it to a place he didn’t care for. The laundry basket was forgotten and you were whisked away onto the bed. He tore into your clothes, lips attacking your neck, teeth aggressively scratching against the skin.

The Alpha pulled away, shoving his pants down his legs, cock in hand, pumping it a few times. He yanked your pants and underwear from your body, pushing your legs apart so you could accommodate him. His free hand wrapping around your throat when he thrusted into you.

You groaned as your Alpha filled you to the hilt. “Alpha, yes.” You pulled him down, pressing your lips to his, desperate to feel him against every part of you.

“Is this what you wanted, Omega? You want to be fucked?” Dean accentuated his words with a thrust of his hips, his skin smacking against yours as he fucked himself into you. “You want me to claim you? Is that what you want, ‘mega?”

Whining and whimpering, you clung on to Dean. “Yes, Alpha. Want you to claim me, Want you to own me. I’m yours. Just claim me. That's all I want.”

Dean grunted, his knot growing inside, when he was about to come, he bit down on your neck. Only sinking his teeth into your flesh when he came inside of you, he licked over the new abrasion on your neck, somehow healing it.

“Now I’m yours.”

FEEDBACK IS GOLD AND APPRECIATED

Forevers: @super100012 @lupine-princess @plaid-lover-bay25 @atc74 @growningupgeek @sophiebobzz @docharleythegeekqueen @poukothenerd @grace-for-sale @mrswhozeewhatsis @jesspfly @supernaturallymarvellous @sammysgirl1997 @roxyspearing @mogaruke @be-amaziing @deanandsamsbitch @frankiea1998 @hennessy0274-blog @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @iwantthedean @capsheadquaters @emoryhemsworth @notmoose45 @essie1876 @cassieraider @brewsthespirit-blog @its-my-perky-nipples @riversong-sam @jotink78 @captainradicalpassion @jadalecki-jackles @spnbaby-67 @holyfuckloueh @gh0stgurl @alyssa6marie @esoltis280 @bumber-car-s @alexwinchester23 @x-waywardaf-x @thisismysecrethappyplace @randomparanoid @kellianz

Dean: @kenmen02 @ain-t-bovvered @deans-baby-momma​  @ericaprice2008​ @shamelesslydean​ @thing-you-do-with-that-thing​ @wingedcatninja​ @mayasmedberg​ @milo-winchester-4ever​ @sandlee44​ @ruprecht0420​ @akshi8278​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @dslocum89​  @ria132love​ @welldonebeca​ @iamabeautifulperson18​ @starry-chaos @deans-treasure @larajadeschmidt13​ @nyxveracity​ @dean-winchesters-bacon​ @adoptdontshoppets​

Can I get a matchup? I'm a 5'3 girl, a leo,and the mom friend. I work a lot and am kind of nerdy. Super into star trek and all things science fiction. I'm always really on point with my responsibilities. My hair is brown, and I'm kind of curvy. From the south, and I really love cooking (especially southern dishes), and can shoot and fish pretty well. My love language is gifts. Thank you~

Sure thing😄💕

🤔I think you'd be with... Leonardo💙

The leader in blue fell for you, once he knew for sure

He knew after receiving gifts from you, gifts that he once mentioned to you, that you paid attention to him

He developed a huge crush on you, but he wasn't going to admit it straight out...

At least not with anyone around

He thinks that moments/intimate moments between a man and woman should be private

Speaking of privacy, Leo loves it when you two are alone

It makes him feel like he doesn't have to be the "cold hearted, butthole leader"

He likes that you treat him the same, no matter if he was the leader or not, and that when he isn't sure of something he can talk to you

You and him are very similar, which is why he felt like he can confide in you

And that led to him having feelings for you

You told him that you work, and have been working a lot, so he worry about you and your well being

He'll always try to remind you to rest and take care of yourself

Leo likes to train and work out, staying fit

He likes that you enjoy some outdoor activities to stay active

Secretly, he does enjoy science fiction and Star Trek

He can be nerdy, too

He'll sit down to watch with you

If anyone asks, he'd just say that you wanted him to watch it with you

Leo finds your Southern accent and Southern heritage to be very charming

He can listen to talk all the time

Your voice is very different from the accents he's heard in New York City

He'd love your food, as well

Pizza isn't the only food he enjoys

He eats Chinese/ sushi whenever it can be got, but he thinks your cooking is amazing

Back to the subject of intimacy, Leo is such a gentleman, so romantic

You will be treated like a queen with him

And as long as you give love, he'll give love back, and repeat

It doesn't matter if you were really think or chubby, he'd love you no matter what

But he'll always have his hands on your curves

He loves your body, everything about you

Kisses on the back of your hand, your cheek, temple, etc. and tender hugs are what you can expect from him

He'll make you melt with his masculinity

Leo is also extremely protective so he'll promise to protect you, even if it means giving up his own life

"You look beautiful tonight, my love"

"I need you, like the Sakura trees need the rain."

"I ... love you" 💙🐢💕👧

Hope this is alright and got who you wanted😆😅

CR2E103- Maritime Mysteries

The rest of the group is so used to Jester and her charms that sometimes you meet a new person interacting with her and it just strikes all over again how good she is at the specific type of comfort involving just distracting and diffusing someone before they can spiral. I loved how she was able to get Vilya to laugh with the stupid Vokodo butthole plans.

I love that Vilya keeps scooping up Fjord without warning him first. It somehow gives her a lot of character with just how like, awkward and pragmatic and absent-minded that is. It makes me want to know more about Keyleth, tbh, because I think it would be fun to look for similarities between the two if I knew her at all.

Hey that conversation between Jester and The Traveler was so heartbreaking?? Because my takeaway wasn't that he didn't really care about Jester, but that he is so very selfish and, I would call it immature if he was human but he's not, so I'll just say alien. He's more apathetic than malicious. It must be so heartbreaking for Jester to go from having this comfort of an all-knowing presence who knows how to keep her safe to this person who, while still a friend, is immature and amoral and depends on her now instead of the other way around.

Caleb and Veth?? I have cried over them so many times and I'm doing it again here. I know she doesn't leave after this, but I also know that the question is still up in the air. I genuinely don't know what I'd do if she left the show, and I think Caleb doesn't, either. I have attached so hard to this weird disaster woman and her deeply felt but vaguely defined trauma wizard.

Caleb barely admitted to liking any of these people for such a long time, and look at where he is now! In some ways he guns the most hard the most explicitly for this family recently. I think he was the first to call it a family with Nott a little while ago. There's also his anger in the 'nobody leaves' moment with Beau after Ishrani, and the conversation and commitment he showed with Fjord. I think maybe Nott's change and the reality of losing her coming closer and closer is making Caleb like. Introspective about the good things he has, and maybe also wanting to make a point of reminding Veth more, too? He can't ask her to stay bc that would be selfish, but he can do his damndest to make sure she remembers what she'd be giving up and how much he loves her.

Yasha falling asleep to the image of her and Zuala was so interesting. It's been so long since Yasha lost her, and the grief of all that seems to have settled into her comfortably enough to be able to enjoy looking at images of them together and things. I don't think you ever get over a loss like that, but maybe it becomes easier to live alongside.

AAAA people losing their memories is so upsetting. What must that feel like? To know that something important is missing but not be able to conjure up what it is in your mind? and what happens if one of these days all three people with greater restoration get got? Will enough get remembered to defeat Vokodo without personal life details?

Yasha's wings are growing back! I didn't realize it was something that happened gradually, but I love that!

I also love her just chatting with Veth while she floats 30 feet in the air. I'm picturing her doing a cute little gentle bob up and down like an astronaut in zero gravity. I love how supportive she is of Yahsa, even if there's still little edges of fear in her somewhere.

I love Liam treating polymorph like the beginning of an Animorphs transformation where you have to wrangle the instincts of an animal and sometimes you lose and end up biting your friends bf the human brain kicks in entirely.

Also Caduceus scolding shark-Caleb is so friggin cute. Deuces is grumpy and tired and he just wants to get off this island and he does NOT have time for this shark nonsense. Please just get some legs already.

Gravity’s Rainbow: Part VIII

This book has so many sections that I'm going to have to contact my twelve year old self for help with the Roman numerals. I would do it via time phone over time machine because that kid smelled bad. This section begins confusingly from the point of view of a dog and ends hilariously with Pointsman's foot stuck in a toilet and hanging out the side of the car as they drive away. It's a good thing history books exist because if I had to judge World War II by Catch-22, Gravity's Rainbow, and Slaughterhouse-Five, I'd have to assume the war was 85% soldiers slipping on banana peels and depraved sex acts. I wonder if I should apologize to Vonnegut for remembering Slaughterhouse-Five as more Three Stooges than it probably was? It's been awhile but he's the guy who invented Kilgore Trout, interrupted his own book while talking about Vietnam to simply say, "Losers," taught me that an asterisk looked like a butthole, and concluded the whole point of evolution was to create beings that laugh at their own farts. I'm pretty sure I got all of that right. Roger Mexico and Jessica Swanlake have finally found Doctor Pointsman in a wrecked part of London. Pointsman is hunting for dogs to use in his experiments. He's a Pavlovian and his research on stimulus will somehow help the war effort. I'm not sure how it's supposed to but eventually he takes an interest in Slothrop and the mystery of Slothrop's hard-ons. At that point, I stopped wondering how experimenting with Pavlovian stimuli was supposed to help defeat the Germans. Pavlovian experimentation looms large on the themes of this book but I haven't yet grasped why they're part of The White Visitation's experiments. I suppose that should be the least of my worries when The White Visitation is also dealing with telekinesis and clairvoyance and talking with the dead and promoting racial strife and there's also some guy who can change his skin color or something? Anyway, this whole section is called "Beyond the Zero" which, and I know I'm getting ahead of the story here, has something to do with removing the reaction to the stimulus from the patient. See, if you train a baby to get a hard-on from an indirect stimulus, as a medical professional, you're supposed to also untrain the baby. So you have to get it to stop getting hard-ons from the indirect stimulus. But when you do that, you can't stop at the baby just not getting a hard-on. That's the zero point. But just because he doesn't get a hard-on doesn't mean the stimulus isn't still affecting him somehow, you know, to just to the point where it's about to get a hard-on. So removing the stimulus even further is going "beyond the zero." But why that's the title and a major theme of this chapter would take a smarter person to explain it to you. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I get back to the section that discusses the whole "beyond the zero" part. Where was I? Oh yeah! Pointsman was hunting a dog and had just gotten his foot stuck in a toilet! If a reader hadn't noticed this book was funny in the previous forty pages due to the fact that nobody told them it was funny and Pynchon's writing can be a bit opaque, this section leaves no doubt about it. The physical comedy with the toilet bowl on the foot would be a big hit with the type of person who would never fucking read this book (and also me) but there are some other bits that really make me smile. Like this part with Jessica moaning about hunting dogs with the boys: "The night, full of fine rain, smells like a wet dog. Pointsman seems to've been away for a bit. 'I've lost my mind. I ought to be cuddling someplace with Beaver this very minute, watching him light up his Pipe, and here instead I'm with this gillie or something, this spiritualist, statistician, what are you anyway—'     "Cuddling?" Roger has a tendency to scream. "Cuddling?'" Okay, maybe that's not ha ha funny like a joke but I fucking love Roger's oversensitivity to any possible intimate interactions between Jessica and her serious boyfriend, Beaver. There's a bit of foreshadowing in this early section about Pointsman moving on from experimenting on dog's to experimenting on Slothrop. "'What will you do for a dog, then.'     They are under way again, Roger at the wheel, Jessica between them, toilet bowl out a half-open door, before the answer. 'Perhaps it's a sign. Perhaps I should be branching out.'     Roger gives him a quick look. Silence, Mexico. Try not to think about what that means. He's not one's superior after all, both report to the old Brigadier at 'The White Visitation' on, so far as he knows, equal footing. But sometimes—Roger glances again across Jessica's dark wool bosom at the knitted head, the naked nose and eyes—he thinks the doctor wants more than his good will, his collaboration. But wants him. As one wants a fine specimen of dog. . . ." I've probably already quoted too much of this section to include a somewhat confusing bit near the end but the bit seems more important than an actual description of the building where Doctor Spectro works. Pynchon describes a building built to house patients with colonic and respiratory illnesses. He describes the necessity and drive to build this building as the Victorian equivalent of what drove the people of an earlier age to build Gothic cathedrals. It feels very much like a writer describing the similarities and quite obvious differences between postmodern literature and literature from earlier centuries. What once drove mankind to write and think and ponder was almost exclusively God and religion and spirituality. But in a time when there is "a doubt as to God's actual locus (or, in some, as to its very existence)", the drive must come from another source. Pynchon's "joke" is that the new source is colonic and respiratory diseases. He says it much better (if not so mundanely): "They are approaching now a lengthy brick improvisation, a Victorian paraphrase of what once, long ago, resulted in Gothic cathedrals—but which, in its own time, arose not from any need to climb through the fashioning of suitable confusions toward any apical God, but more in a derangement of aim, a doubt as to the God's actual locus (or, in some, as to its very existence), out of a cruel network of sensuous moments that could not be transcended and so bent the intentions of the builders not on any zenith, but back to fright, to simple escape, in whatever direction, from what the industrial smoke, street excrement, windowless warrens, shrugging leather forests of drive belts, flowing and patient shadow states of the rats and flies, were saying about the chances for mercy that year. The grimed brick sprawl is known as the Hospital of St. Veronica of the True Image for Colonic and Respiratory Diseases, and one of its residents is a Dr. Kevin Spectro, neurologist and casual Pavlovian." See? It's practically a definition of postmodern writing! "Remember when we could look to an Almighty creator for hope and salvation?! But now it's like, man, that Guy can't exist, right? I mean, the fucking A-bomb, man! What the hell is going on?! How do we get out of this mess?!" Or maybe it isn't a definition of postmodern literature at all and it just speaks to me! Who can tell? Not God! Just...what a great section. Mostly because it's so comprehensible! But also funny! And charming! And a bit melancholic by the end. This is the first chapter that mentions Pointsman's mysterious "Book" with a capital "B". It was expensive and seven of the doctor's at The White Visitation had to chip in to buy it, so it makes the rounds, spending one week at a time with each different owner. Or wait. Was The Book already mentioned?! I can't remember since I'm reading this book so many times at once! Anyway, The Book is one of only seven copies (or something?) of Pavlov's notes. I'm not sure if it's ever named but one of the chapters is named later and I did a Google search back then to discover what book exactly they were discussing. I don't remember it exactly but it was Pavlov's notes and crap. More on The Book later, I'm sure!

Year-End Awards 2019

2019 was very good for movies.  Or, rather, November and December of 2019 were very good for movies.  I could speculate about why that is (Awards season? Disney? Moloch?), but I don’t really know.  What I do know is that the Oscars are tomorrow, so I better get this post up today.

Honorable mentions in no particular order.  Strap in, chumps.

Best Lead Performance: Adam Sandler, Uncut Gems

Sometimes it feels like Adam Sandler is cheating, lowering our expectations with awful performances in even-more-awful films so that his dramatic turns look better by comparison.  But whether or not we grade him on a curve, this performance is the best of the year.  

Sandler’s character, Howard Ratner, is ridiculous.  In fact, much of the movie is ridiculous.  But Sandler makes this absurd person human, and in doing so, makes the whole movie work.  He commits hard to the role, and even though every scene is a little more unbelievable than the last, I never for a moment stopped believing in Howard.  Superb work.

Honorable Mentions: Willem Dafoe, The Lighthouse; Saoirse Ronan, Little Women; Scarlett Johansson, Marriage Story; Adam Driver, Marriage Story; Ana de Armas, Knives Out; Kang-ho Song, Parasite; Jonathan Pryce, The Two Popes.

Best Supporting Performance: The rest of the cast of Uncut Gems

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Uncut Gems is a movie that survives entirely on its acting.  The Safdie brothers themselves have said that the movie wouldn’t work without Kevin Garnett nailing the scene where he first holds the black opal.  I’d extend that credit to all the other supporting roles: Idina Menzel as Howard’s wife who no longer even bats an eye at the insanity he brings on himself, Marshall Greenberg (a non-actor) as the fellow jeweler who expresses genuine concern for Howard but still gives him unfavorable terms on a pawn deal, deranged Garment District legend Wayne Diamond as a character just named “High Roller”—every one of these people is essential to the success of the film.  When it comes down to it, Uncut Gems doesn’t make any sense.  It takes a suite of perfect performances to make it feel as real as it does.

Honorable Mentions: Timothée Chalamet, Little Women; Laura Dern, Little Women; Florence Pugh, Little Women; Takayuki Hamatsu, One Cut of the Dead; Daniel Craig, Knives Out; Al Pacino, The Irishman.

The Costner Award for Worst Actor: Rebel Wilson, Cats

When we meet Rebel Wilson (as her fursona “Jennyanydots,” a name I will never utter again), she is showing her butthole to the camera.  The character never gets more likable than that, because they let Rebel Wilson ad-lib numerous “comedic” lines to punch up the script. They’re awful.

Honorable Mention: James Corden, Cats.

 Nicest Surprise: Cold Pursuit

I watch the Liam Neeson stupid action flick with my brother Rob every year. Sometimes we get something legitimately great, like A Walk Among the Tombstones.  Other times we get a movie like The Commuter, which is dumb as rocks.  But this is the first time we got a comedy.  I went in expecting a second-rate Neeson-kills-people thriller, and instead got a solid black comedy.  Apparently it’s nearly a shot-for-shot remake of the Norwegian film In Order of Disappearance, so maybe I should have known better.  But I didn’t, so I was pleasantly surprised.

Hiddenest Gem: One Cut of the Dead

One Cut of the Dead is the best movie of the year that my friends haven’t seen, and it’s a tough movie to talk about because of how fun it is to watch knowing nothing about it.  So I’ll keep it short.  One Cut is a Japanese schlock horror movie with a fun twist that manages to be creepy at first, then funny, then heartwarming.  Two things elevate this above the usual fun-twist movie.  The first is that the surprise unfolds in little pieces over the entire second half of the movie, rather than hitting all at once. The second is that there’s real substance there: under the goofy exterior there’s a charming family story that’s worth coming back for.

 Most Insulting Moment: We Hate Sensory Deprivation, Angel Has Fallen

I haven’t seen the other films in the Blank Has Fallen franchise, nor did I need to do so to understand its third installment.  It’s exactly the kind of institution-worshipping great-men-of-history support-our-troops action bullshit you’d expect.  But after the credits, there’s a totally inexplicable scene where Gerard Butler and his dad Nick Nolte agree to get treatment for their (implied) PTSD.  Instead of leaving it as just a nice moment of healing, it cuts to a comedy scene where they go to a two-person sensory-deprivation tank and float around in the dark complaining about it.  The general gist of the scene is “sensory deprivation is dumb and gay.”  I’m not a sense-dep guy, but it’s used here as a stand-in for all the forms of “modernity” that reactionary filmmakers hate: you know, like mental health treatment, or trying new things, or expressing any sincere vulnerability even for a moment.  Why not just show them affectionately kissing guns and save some production cost?

Honorable Mentions:  The trailer for A Dog’s Way Home; The narration in Ad Astra.

 Winter’s Tale Memorial “What the Hell Am I Watching” Award: Cats

At long last, a film that unites the unholy trinity of ambition, incompetence, and derangement to form a true “What the Hell Am I Watching” award-winner.  The premise of Cats, in short, is that the cats of London meet every year to perform a ritual sacrifice of one of their number, believing that the chosen cat will, after their death, be reincarnated…as another London cat.  And they determine the sacrifice by holding a talent show.  And one of the cats is a warlock.  So we’re off to a good start.

I was fortunate enough to see the original version.  You see, the film is almost entirely CGI, so much so that viewing it feels like living inside a haunted kaleidoscope.  Even the actors, through “digital fur technology,” are turned into cats which are anthropomorphized to greater or lesser degrees. The warlock cat, for example, has cat abs.  But shortly after theatrical release, director Tom Hooper realized that the film contained major visual effects oversights, including failing to CGI several of the actors’ hands, meaning that Judi Dench and Ian McKellen appeared to have human arms on cat bodies.  These are only some of the crimes of the film Cats.  A full reading of the litany would take all day.

Honorable Mentions: A Dog’s Journey; Gemini Man.

Prettiest Movie: 1917

I’d be remiss not to talk about the cinematic achievement of 1917.  The all-in-one-take thing, or the appearance thereof, is kind of a used gimmick at this point.  (Birdman, after all, used it and won Best Picture.)  I went into 1917 expecting a cheap knockoff. Instead I was blown away.  Every detail was perfect, down to the mud stains on the extras’ overcoats, the stacking of sandbags in the real dug-out trenches, the bloating of the bodies clogging the waterways.  One especially memorable scene follows our hero (George MacKay) sprinting through a ruined city by night, intermittently lit by mortar fire, dodging gunfire all the way.  Maybe “pretty” isn’t the right word, but no film this year used the visual medium as well as 1917.

Honorable Mentions: Parasite, Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood.

Best Picture: Under the Silver Lake

Yes, I know it’s weird to give Best Picture to a movie that didn’t even get an honorable mention anywhere else.  But this is my blog, dammit, I stand by it.  Under the Silver Lake is a movie about capitalist-media-technology-complex-inspired brain poisoning.  It stayed on my mind for weeks after seeing it, and I eventually gave it a second watch. It held up.  

Criticisms of the film abound, like how male-gazey a lot of the portrayals of women are, but I think the parts that some reviewers identify as flaws are intentional and important features of the movie.  We see the film through the eyes of our main character (Andrew Garfield), who is a scumbag, but the film is very clearly not endorsing being a scumbag. It’s about the interplay of personal neuroses and moral failings with the broader perverse clown-reality we all occupy, and the inescapable tinge our perspectives bring to the world we see. The film is, after all, a sort of noir film, and our hero’s attitudes are reflective in some ways of the noir mindset: find the clues, unravel the plot, get the girl.  The incongruity between the stories and attitudes of our past and the demented reality of our future define the film.

I could go on about this for much longer, which is why I’m choosing Silver Lake as the best film of the year.  It’s not notable for its acting or cinematography (though both are solid), but in terms of content, nothing else this year encapsulated my internal and external world quite so well as this.

Honorable mentions: Parasite; 1917; Little Women; The Irishman; One Cut of the Dead; Marriage Story; Uncut Gems.

 That’s it, that’s the post.  I think I’m moving to Letterboxd next year.

For Kinktober: 1. Ass worship/spanking with Borra/Makosami. The two couples indulge in swinging once a month. And tonight, is the guys turn to take charge. They have the ladies on hands and knees on the edge of the bed, where they eat them out before taking them doggy-stlye. The guys pay special attention to their partners ass.

Well, Kinkvember is here, I really apologise for not making it on time with an actual kinktober, but I had lots of RL stuff on my head. In hindsight, I think I have bitten a bit more than I could chew, next year I definitely gonna do only one of these.

Still, I’m not gonna let you guys down, so here comes the first prompt!

()(Ao3)(Next>>)

The spacious bedroom of the Sato mansion was filled with series of harmonising moans as Korra and Asami writhed in place under the assault of caresses from their partners. It wouldn’t be the first time such even took place; the love in the team Avatar flowed freely like the magic of the elements, and occasionally, the two couples would swap partners for a night, especially if they knew they had something prepared for them.

And today, the amazing probending brothers wanted nothing more than to worship their women’s asses. Bolin was especially fond of it, and it was a rare chance for Korra to receive his amazing treatment instead of Asami. She couldn’t however say she was at loss in this transaction; Mako’s tongue, while not as skilled as Bolin, was sending spark after spark of excitement all throughout her body, as he ventured into areas he usually didn’t explore.

Of course, one missing flavour came in when Korra’s and Asami’s lips connected, and for quite a while the two breathed in the same air and cried with the same voice, as their boyfriends kissed their posteriors, taking care of their delicate buttholes and giving them occasional, playful spanks in contrast. Korra and Asami looked back at their boys, meeting their frisky smiles and hungry eyes, while their twisted bodies still shivered with each kiss of their lips and moves of their fingers, caressing their holes.

Bolin, once again, was a bit more prepared, much to Korra’s enjoyment. What just a minute ago was a heavy, stone paperweight with very definite and scary-looking edges, under his earthbending fingers became an oblong, curved shape that came closer and closer to Korra’s lower lips and asshole. She braced herself and just before the cold, smooth rock would enter one of her holes, she met with Asami’s curiously sly smile, and for a moment, she didn’t know what could that mean.

And then, the Avatar flailed her legs when the alien object filled her from both sides, twisting and changing shape under the earthbender’s touch. The stone dildo he was making on the spot seemed to adapt to the contracting walls of Avatar’s sex and ass, and the fact that Bolin could do it so quickly was a feat on its own. But it was hips lips and tongue, nibbling, licking and kissing her clit and the erogenous zone around her sex that completed the experience. With one of her legs high in the air, Bolin had practically unrestricted access to her posterior and crotch, and he was using all of his talents to make sure not a single square inch was left without care.

On the other side of the bed, lying in almost mirrored position, Asami was receiving a much rougher, but not unpleasant treatment; Mako’s fingers danced around her butthole and sex, and with each pass, his fingertips became hotter and hotter, bringing a surprising pangs of heat in the least expected places. But it was the tiny jolts of electricity Mako was producing that shocked - quite literally - the businesswoman he was taking care of. Though she’s seen lightningbenders in action, she was surprised how precise his sparks could be, stimulating just the right part of her body, and making her muscles twitch on command, asserting his dominance over her.

At some point, the girls’ reached their hands to each other, and their fingers intertwined, as their boys’ caresses grew in intensity. Smacking, slapping and slurping noises filled the spacious bedroom, as Bolin and Mako worshipped their bottoms, bringing Korra and Asami closer and closer to their peaks, with each move of their fingers and lips, delicate or not. The women found it difficult to contain their oncoming orgasms, and though they would often cry into reach other’s mouths, this time they decided to serenade their swapped boyfriends with nothing that could tamper with their voices.

Korra came first, under Bolin’s double dildo, simultaneously rock hard and flexible like clay, flooding his mouth with her juices. Asami wasn’t far behind, and when Mako pressed two of his fingers against her clit, she knew what he was about to do. The next moment, Asami Sato arched her back and nearly jumped into the air, when a very precise jolt shocked through her body, starting from her jewel. She grabbed Korra and pressed her lips against hers, sharing the mind-blowing experience that just a few moments ago made her see the stars.

She found her solace in Korra, just as her body was torn with her climax, and the two let each other seep their moans into their mouths, while their boyfriends took care of their lower bodies. For a solid while, the two breathed in the synchronised motion, and when they let go of each other, their faces were crimson red, and their erratic breathing were the proof of their men’s prowess as lovers.

And then, in a single moment, their eyes went wide, as two pairs of strong arms grabbed their waists and pulled them from their privileged position into a much more animalistic one forcing them onto all fours. Before Korra or Asami could react, two loud, simultaneous slaps echoed and reverberated throughout the chamber, breaking the tranquillity. Korra and Asami let out a shriek that turned into a long wail when two spanks were complemented with Mako and Bolin sheathing themselves into them in a single move.

Korra’s cry was even more surprised as she felt something cold and slippery around het butthole just before Bolin’s cock tore her asshole apart that just a minute ago was so loved by him. Asami was less surprised, but still pleased when Mako’s cock slipped inside her pussy, but the strength with which he implaed himself inside her, made her cry with equally loud voice. From their opposite positions, Korra and Asami could see the looks on the other boy’s face, and when their eyes met, they knew that the foreplay was over.

There wss nothing left of boys’ gallant and charming behaviour. At some point, Bolin even grabbed Korra’s arms and pulled them behind her back, using them as reins as he fucked her ass, and not short after that, his brother mimicked his moves, bending Asami into even more submissive pose, of which she certainly did not oppose. The rich entrepreneur was being rutted, as Mako shoved his cock deep inside her, making her bounce back and forth with each and every move of his, and soon, Korra’s body began flailing in the same way around Bolin’s cock, leaving the two girls completely on their boys’ mercy.  

- Bolin…! - Ma-Mako!

Two more loud slaps echoed in the room, as the boys kept their promises, reminding their girlfriends of their positions.

- Please! - The two begged, feeling the thrill of submission in her veins, and only when they mewled those words, the boys obliged.

Bolin was the first to lose his grip; his body shuddered and his voice quivered, as he shot jets of his cum deep inside Korra’s ass, supplying her with the steady flow of his thick cream, that, predictably, soon overflowed her hole. Mako’s orgasm was quicker, as he shot short pulses of his seed deep into Asami’s pussy, watching as the warmth of his spunk makes the heiress writhe and squirm with each portion, letting the nastiest and loudest moans escape her mouth.

With their hands free, the girls were able to put one last piece of the puzzle together, and they eagerly reached to caress each other’s clits, though for once, their boys were faster, bringing them to orgasm with their skilled fingers. Asami howled first, when a quick, joined rub of Mako and Korra made her shiver, and Bolin himself was able to bring the Avatar to tears when he hited inside her one last time, while his massive balls, slapping against her delicate button, combined with his stronger fingertips brought her to her peak.

The two women writhed and quaked for a few moments, seemingly infinite, as their orgasms rocked their bodies, and when their lips met again, it almost felt as if their climaxes joined and mixed like two water currents, creating more and more waves witch each pass.  

And as unexpectedly as the spanks, came the kisses, covering the inflamed areas of their delicate bottoms. Bolin and Mako peppered their tired girlfriends’ bodies with kisses, simultaneously watching with pride the two creampies seeping from their used holes, and a moment later, they were rewarded with sounds of Asami’s and Korra’s lips being pressed together in a series of long, salacious kisses and moans. Each kiss of their boyfriend made them shiver, as it brought the soothing feeling to their tender parts that just a moment ago were so roughly used. Their fingers danced around their pussies and buttholes, circling around their most delicate places.

- Are you alright, girls? - Mako asked rising from between Asami’s thighs - I hope we weren’t too rough… - Trust us, if you were, you’d know it.

Korra replied, and a moment later Bolin jumped in place as a small water whip drawn from the fountain smacked him in the ass.

- Feel free to continue kissing us, though, we love when you guys are on your knees. - Asami moaned. - Yeah, kissing is all fine and dandy, but I think each of you boys forgot one place to visit… - Korra added and looked at their lovers. - I think you’re right.

Bolin smirked as he passed the lube to Mako.

Dolittle

Dolittle is a 2020 adventure film directed by Stephen Gagan. It stars Robert Downey Jr. , Rami Malek and John Cena. The film is about the voyage of Dolittle and his friends to a mysterious island in an attempt to find a magical fruit to cure the ailing Queen of England.

This is Robert Downey Jr.’s first project after bowing out of the Marvel Universe. Just put that into context. This film was a box office bomb, and it certainly looked iffy straight from the trailers. Let’s get it out of the way; this film is awkward in every single way. It isn’t super bad, but it’s not average either. Dolittle is easily one of the most awkward and painfully cringeworthy kids film in years. It’s Robert Downey’s first film after Iron Man, and it’ll make you wish he never snapped his fingers with one of the most atrocious movie accents ever. What was he and a star-studded voice cast thinking when they signed on to this shipwreck of a film.

Let’s begin with the positives.

Mainly, the animals. I guess the animals were alright. There were a few scenes where I didn’t really mind them. Rami Malek, John Cena and Kumail Nanjiani as the gorilla, the polar bear and the ostrich respectively are somewhat bearable.

Here come the negatives.

To begin with, Robert Downey Jr. He had one of the coolest conclusions I’ve ever seen when he sacrificed himself in Endgame. Little did I know, his very next project would just take everything that made him entertaining and charming, and throw it in the dustbin. I have no idea what in the blue hell he was trying to do in this film. His accent was so bad, it was almost good. If Downey hadn’t been such an endearing figure as Iron Man, this film might’ve ended his career.

Also, plot. There is little to no substance with this plot asides from the generic children’s adventure. The fact that this film ends with Robert Downey Jr. sticking his hand into a dragon’s butthole as she farts on him just makes you watch in disbelief. How can you go from defeating Thanos to sticking your hand up a dragon’s butthole?

To conclude, this film is a mess. It’s awful in every sense of the word to the point where it was almost entertaining to see how bad every scene was. Robert Downey’s accent was a crime against the Welsh/Scottish/English or whoever he was trying to replicate. This film could kill careers and it certainly hurt any credit Downey had once he exited the MCU. He needs another project that will return much needed respect to his name. Dolittle receives an 4.0/10.

Echoes Across Time And Space

Summary:

Bayonetta was very much ready to have a great and relaxing birthday in the company of Jeanne and a ton of free time when one of her gifts turns out to be more than what she bargained for.

The Remembrance of Time of the day she was born that their absent god had sent her way could prove to be too much, even for her.

Word count: 2.6k

A/N: Golem the discount store siamese is Jeanne's cat that she finds as a stray and he's pretty consistent across my fic universes

“Golem, I swear to fucking God that I will boil you in a big witchy caldron if I go back there and see anything broken!” She had opened the door to their swanky Manhattan high rise to the cute delivery girl for some of her birthday parcels but there was a distinct ruckus of someone breaking things. “I'm sorry, it's the cat you know.”

The other lady laughed and tucked in her signing machine underneath her arm, handing her the parcel emblazoned with ‘From: Luka Redgrave’ in swirly, obnoxiously composed handwriting. “This one is fragile, so maybe do keep it out of reach.”

Cereza carted the box back to her kitchen and to the source of the disturbance, only to find the balcony door wide open to the snow storm and Golem meowing in displeasure from the other side of the room.

“You shouldn't have opened this then, you butthole.” He pinned his ears back and harrumphed out with an upturned tail, showcasing such a body part right at her as he trotted away most imperiously.

“About as charming as your owner.” She mumbled to herself, rubbing her bare arms and crossing the expansive kitchen to shut the balcony doors before the blizzard parkered itself on their home.

The wind must have been truly hazardous to have slammed the door open. She spared a thought to Jeanne, out and about in the city probably getting some private party favours for a little birthday one on one fun. She loved her toys and not even the dreadful weather had dissuaded her, especially considering those had been a backed up special order that had been ready at just the right time.

With a graceful pivot, she hummed her way back to the kitchen island, her favorite marble monstrosity, when a twinge of magic rippled in the back of her head. She turned, looking around for what might have caused it. If angels decided to rain down on her for her birthday, she would march straight to Paradiso and punch Jubileus in the face.

Odd, there was nothing out of the ordinary and the flick had since passed with no hint that it had ever happened. With a shrug, she turned back to her parcel on the marble countertop.

Luka had promised something good and she had no doubt he would deliver. What could it be, he was very tight lipped about it but had sworn up and down she was going to love it.

When she looked again, the brown box was no longer anywhere to be found and in its place rested a single blue card.

Aesir.

Cereza jumped into action, looking around wildly and turning her living room around searching for any clues on where he might be. The apartment was as she had left it, everything undisturbed, not even Golem was around to make a mess of things.

“Come on, little one! You can't just drop by like this.” She called out, walking back to the kitchen island once more. Spotting a note that wasn't on her fridge before, she snatched it. “At least show up for a chat…”

Hey, Bayonetta! I got you a little something I do think you'll enjoy. I still don't think you look like a Cereza but after hearing about it, I could be convinced.

Cereza huffed, rolling her eyes. Couldn't anyone in her life not be a dramatic ho with a flair for the theatrical? The simple sheet did not reveal any other tricks so she pinned the damn thing back to the fridge.

The card rested face down and another cursory look revealed that the box Luka had sent was resting on Jeanne's favorite chair. A sense of exhilarating anticipation itched in her chest, a feeling she hadn't gotten since she asked Jeanne to move in with her. As soon as her fingertips touched the card, a rebound of energy coursed through her arm.

With a flick of her wrist, the card was now facing up and a picture of her mummy and Balder appeared. It was stylized in the same way as Loki's old cards, her parents back to back with their hands clasped together.

It was a beautiful figure, bold in it's intent but sad given all that she knew had transpired between them.

“Sentimental, little one.” She was about to grab it to stash it somewhere safe when it lit with a surge of incomprehensible power. The world around her turned to gold and blue, her living room ending up looking like it had been ran with a bad photo filter.

She was about to move when the distant cry of a baby started up. Bayonetta looked around her apartment for any clues, bringing forth her guns from her summoning pocket.

The sound was seemingly everywhere at once but no images materialized. In between whimpers and bouts of crying, a voice sounded over it.

‘My most precious starshine, it's your first morning. What has you ever so displeased?’ The man had a rich baritone, so loving and emotional that something stabbed through her heart at the realization. He wasn't speaking English, it sounded like something of a cross between Portuguese and Galician which could only be Vigridian. Cereza was astounded she could still understand it.

This was a remembrance of time and that was… ‘She’s so Umbra but reacts so well to your magic.’ A woman chimed in, voice low and somewhat hoarse. Tired but content and Bayonetta wasn't dumb enough to miss why. All in all, she had to thank Rosa for a job so well done.

‘Daddy loves his little girl so, he can hardly stand to part with her.’ The rustle of cloth followed his statement and she strained to try and picture what could be happening. Was he holding her? Passing her over to Rosa? ‘Mummy has food, tasty and delicious. Is that what you want?’

After a few seconds, the unmistakable sound of a baby nursing filled the silence. In that time, Bayonetta came crashing down to earth on what she was seeing and hearing. Her parents, her very own parents were there in echo on what seemed to be the day she was born. Balder sounded so soft, so in awe of what had happened. His tender tone was ripped right out of a fairy tale, of parents not filled with grief, not confined to the back of an annulment cell. Of all the things she knew of him, distorted and fragmented as they were, this facet was the hardest to swallow. Father Balder had been dramatic and violent, his younger self has been angry and hurting. In neither of those had there been any space for the loving care she was hearing.

Bayonetta didn't know what to do with that information but she didn't have much time to chew it over as Rosa started speaking again.

‘She is so small… felt much larger a couple of hours ago though.’ They shared a chuckle and a the sound of a couple of soft kisses reached her ears, the rawness of their affection was obvious even without visuals. Young spouses, newly minted parents with their whole world suckling peacefully in front of them. 'Well then, what will our daughter be called?’

'I think Cereza is a perfect match.’ he supplied, words reverent and Rosa laughed in reply, so joyful and unfettered like Bayonetta only heard a scant few times in her life. ‘And may her life always be bathed in the summer sun.’

There it was, oh there it was. A name that was a blessing of the highest calibre coming from her Lumen father. A prayer that had fallen on deaf ears.

‘She was born in the dead of winter, Balder. Might I add, exactly as a good little Umbra should.'

A small sob escaped her throat and before she knew it, a couple of stray tears made their way down her face. This wasn’t...it wasn’t fair and Bayonetta had no clue on how to process the turbulent tide of her overwhelming sadness, her unconfronted grief or even just the unfairness of her misplaced anger at her parents and their decisions.

“Cereza!” The rapid staccato of heels pounded across their foyer and Jeanne sprinted into the kitchen only to halt immediately at the scene that greeted her harried entrance. “What is…”

‘That’s precisely why she needs a summer blessing. To balance it out!’

That voice brought back a flood of memories and she raised her guns, teeth gnashed and all of her was ready to summon Madama Styx right then and there but when she noticed there were no threats at their gates, she uncoiled enough to take a good look around.

Her most beloved was crying, their kitchen felt like an hub of undetermined energy zapping through her whole soul and Jeanne, brightest witch in an age and Elder of the Umbra Witches, had no clue what was going on. So she did the first thing that came to mind. Envelop Cereza in a hug.

‘The daughter of the night and day, an auspicious portent. Though many would disagree.' Rosa's voice continued to sound in their spacious kitchen, gaining a harder edge and at some point Jeanne realized that it came from the card on their table. Oh no, a remembrance of time. ‘ How long do you figure this safehouse will hold? A month?’

She hugged back, burying her face on Jeanne's shoulder and biting her lower lip to keep from shedding more tears while the memory kept going like a stuck tape on a broken recorder.

'At best, yes.’ All of a sudden he sounded very tired and they heard a sigh. ‘For now, we can all rest. This is as isolated as isolation can be, it seems the legends about Fimbulventr are not as true as they seem.’

‘For now as well, the people's whispers are too loud to ignore.’

Bayonetta lifted her head from Jeanne’s shoulder and furrowed her brow at those words, turning to her. They had taken refuge on the Holy Mountain and somehow had been taken in with warmth. Her personal experience told her acutely that being received kindly in there was next to impossible.

A thousand and one questions burned inside her head but none more intense than the age old query: Had their absent God interfered? Had he taken pity in his own Eyes, harbouring the Left and Right facets of creation and their precious bundle of the apocalypse in his own domain?

Little whimpers broke up their strategy meeting and rustling cloth sounded up again. ‘You’re daddy's girl already and you barely know what a daddy is, moonstone.’

Balder chuckled at her words, whimpers growing louder. ‘Why do I think it's not a me she likes best. You might be right, she pays attention to my magic but it's not working now.’

A string of lilting bird calls, like one would expect from a songbird, followed his statement and Jeanne just held her close, commenting “Lumen sages are keen on their bird natures, it's part of their communication.”

‘See, she likes that.’ Rosa’s voice had a hint of smugness that sounded so very characteristically Bayonetta in its execution. However, despite having quietened down a touch, little Cereza still made her discomfort known.

‘Not enough to soothe her it seems.’ He replied, chirping a little more but without any further success. A rumbling purr broke through and that Bayonetta knew what it was.

Somewhere in the back of her memories, she remembered her mummy purring at her, as close as she could through the thick bars of her cell. Her chest rattled and rumbled and her little tiny self would bask in the comforting certainty of it all.

The lack of visuals was both infuriating and a boon, as they could only guess at Cereza’s adorable fussiness from the squirming sounds she was making.

But it also meant Bayonetta couldn't see the love in her parents’ eyes, couldn't see their weariness and their bone aching tiredness tinged with overwhelming relief of having found shelter just in time for their little one to be born.

Couldn't see all she had missed.

‘Fly me to the moon…’ Their perfect harmonizing jarred her from her thoughts like a vengeful poltergeist.

‘And let me play among the stars’ the song was perfect in it's execution, a performance born of repetition. ‘In other words, please be true.’ Of singing it many times together.

‘In other words…’ No fussiness could be heard anymore, only the well polished lullaby in the unique duet version Bayonetta had never even guessed could exist.

‘I love you…’

The magic faded slowly after the last bar like a record player winding down and the last she heard was the faint noise of another soft kiss.

At that time, she had stopped caring about the tears streaming down her face or the fact that she was hanging on for dear life on Jeanne. It was embarrassing and heavy but at the same time a part of it felt…

Good.

A soft purr vibrated near her cheek, breaking the uncomfortable silence of their apartment and Jeanne held her closer. The purr picked up, higher pitched and softer than her mother's great big tiger purr, causing her to scrunch her eyes shut for a second.

“In other words.” Jeanne started, her words vibrating through her rib cage.”I love you…” Cereza felt a kiss to her hair and she sniffed, wiping her stray tears with the back of her hand.

She lifted her head and Jeanne smiled, kind and caring and loving and all just for her. She replied with a watery smile, disentangling from her lover and taking off her glasses to rub at her eyes.

The card was facing up near them on the countertop, Rosa and Balder with clasped hands staring back at them, defiant. And wasn’t that the foundation of their life, a relationship forged out of defiance. A daughter born out of love.

“Please tell me you didn't get me an emotional gift as well.”

Jeanne chuckled, snaking her arms around her waist and kissing her lips softly. “I have some things you'll like in my bag of tricks but it's mostly earthly pleasures, I promise.”

Cereza was exceptionally hard to shop for so she just got her luxury spa days and shopping trips. She had gotten her a pair of heels her most beloved had commented she had her eyes on for Valentine's and Cereza had replied the fun was in the going. Going out shopping with her was always an event that had even the most upper brow places at the beck and call of Cereza’s inexorable charms.

With a tentative touch of her fingertips on the card, Bayonetta snagged it from the kitchen island and stashed it on her summon void. She hoped beyond hope it didn’t start up again, another tongue lashing of emotions and past trauma would surely leave her soul even more raw than what it currently was.

That would take time to process and she was sure to either yank little one’s ears when she next saw their absent God or thank him for giving her such a thing, she wasn’t sure which one yet. In any case, that was an issue for future her because for now…

“Earthly pleasures you say?” The flip to predatory was so fast that Jeanne didn't even have time to react before a nip to her neck dragged an embarrassing moan out of her. Cereza had snagged her up with feline proficiency, the back of her thighs bumping against the countertop and Jeanne found herself at the complete mercy of Cereza’s hungry grin “Did you find what you went out for.”

Oh yes, she had and she was more than ready to see how it worked.

“Yes.”

Golem wouldn’t even complain.

Gormless Ch. 5 - Try to kill my boss? Haha you kids are alright!

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it.  Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

There’s a hot werewolf guy into Alexia called Channing and he’s a big jerk.  Ivy is getting married to some rich slub, even though she’s in wub with Maccon’s servant Tunstell.  Alexia just met a hot lesbian named LeFoux and wants to take her to visit her smart Vampire gay bestie Akeldama.

Chapter 5 – Try to kill my boss? Haha you kids are alright!

This chapter opens up with her seeing Lord Akeldama.  Basically they start by inviting Madame LeFoux and just catching up.  Turns out Akeldama has not seen the humanization phenomenon before even though he hella old, but his scouts discovered a military ship called the Spanker had people from the Kingair clan aboard who were humanized. We got similar info before, but there’s an implication that the humanization is traveling directly with the people of the Spanker.  There’s the implication that it’s moving north, and it has to do with the dead alpha thing.  

Something also of slight interest is that Akeldama tried to ~recruit~ Channing back when Channing was human. That Channing, so they say, used to be a charming sculptor and vampires and werewolves were fighting over him. That he went into the military/werewolfism cause it was more ~romantic.~ I think that’s all there just to put Channing back on the table as a love rival.

HE’S BAD RIGHT? BUT LIKE MAYBE NOT ALL BAD?

On one hand they’re fleshing him out.  On another hand it reeks of Marty-Stuing and it is not convincing me he deserves another chance.

Well what would make him desirable to you Faps?  Put him in an oversized sweater, with glasses, and he’s petting a cat?  

Okay okay!  My kink is valid and so is the kink for a man-child meathead okay.  I just wish my kink was more main-stream gosh.

So Madam LeFoux shows up and there is a brief bit of sassing between Akledama and her before Akeldama has to show off his aethographor.  They spend a lot of fucking time on this.  I guess this is for the folks into the steampunk aspect but like…I don’t really understand this appeal.  It basically boil down to it’s a telegraph machine but it prints letters onto metal with caustic chemicals. It has to be manned at all times, and some old ones need specific ~ Crystalline valve frequensors~ to communicate to one another but Akeldama’s LATEST EDITION doesn’t need it. I am a history nerd and reading about old machines is fascinating because you get to see how the machines have impacted the culture. I also like reading about Sci-Fi technology because either it’s cool to see what people decades ago thought was going to happen, or speculative future possibilities. In theory speculative fiction about an alternate universe’s history could be cool but this machine is just not that far removed from a telegraph machine and sounds like it’s a pain in the ass. But perhaps I’m just so spoiled by the fact that I could get a snapchat of a strange person’s butthole from Australia instantaneously without having to operate a machine the size of a room 24/7.  You have not truly enjoyed a stranger from down under’s…down under until you’ve seen it with the leopard ear snapchat filter!

Anyway he gives Alexia a ~ Crystalline valve frequensor~ with his frequency just in case.  She puts it in a pocket on her umbrella and it’s like DAMN GIRL WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAD WITH THE FACT THE THING HAS POCKETS? THAT’S WAY COOLER! (Even if impractical for regular umbrellas.)

The three of them part ways, Alexia is planning on taking a dirigible to Scotland in order to face this humanization and save her dumb-fuck husband.

Here we switch point of views to look through Lyall’s eyes. He’s tailing Alexia for reasons and some vampires are sneaking around Lord Akeldama’s place while she was visiting. The vamps almost attack Alexia but Lyall stops them with some pow pow action.  The vampires say they were just going to ~test~ Alexia and Lyall is just like haha that’s fine, go home you kids!  Also Alexia did not notice any of this.

I mean I’m kinda glad we had a bit o’ action but this was dumb. Lyall just lets these two jackoffs go after they tried to maybe kill/kidnap/whatever his master’s wife.  Also he doesn’t tell Alexia she was nearly attacked? Cause drama later on I guess? Fuck this writing!  I take back the nice things I said about Lyall!  Lyall instead just argues that Alexia shouldn’t go to Scotland. Sure Maccon relies heavily on his superpowers for everything, but not letting him know his powers are going to be suddenly taken away by a mysterious force which maybe out of his blood will definitely be fine. I guess because it’s now Lyall’s policy to make sure everybody around him, whom he attempts to protect with his life, is unaware of the danger around them. Cool, cool.

At least this time when Alexia badgers somebody about something she’s going to do, she’s right that it makes no sense why she shouldn’t. However she unwittingly has to take along a merry batch of fuckers. You’ll hear about them in a bit.

We have a big old scene where Alexia’s mother shows up and is like, “YOUR ONE SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED THE OTHER SISTER IS SO WRACKED WITH JEALOUSY SHE’S MAKING EVERYONE MISERABLE! YOU TAKE HER!”

Oh and there’s this inconsistent writing here where Alexia’s mother is passive aggressively racist toward werewolves and Scots. Yet at the same time there are lines about how pleased Alexia’s mother is that she married a Scottish werewolf.  There’s the direct line, “It was a constant source of amazement to Alexia that the only thing she had ever done in her entire life that pleased her mama was marry a werewolf.”  I think what the author is trying to say is that Alexia’s mom was happy that Alexia married a rich and powerful man, and LOOKS PAST the fact that he’s a werewolf but still kinda hates werewolves.  However they don’t bring up that her mom is impressed with all her money and power. They just keep saying WEREWOLF THIS and WEREWOLF THAT!  They made it unnecessarily muddled here and it’s confusing, annoying, and could have been easily fixed.

In Alexia mother’s defense the only thing I’ve seen Alexia do that’s pleased me, is hit that douche werewolf over the head a bunch.

So of course, Alexia’s mother won’t take no for an answer when it comes to her sister. Therefore Alexia is saddled with generic shallow, petty, bitch blonde sister #2.  Felicity, the blonde in question, agreed to this, despite hating her sister cause she knew her sister would be surrounded by hunky werewolves.  SHE GOTTA GET A HUSBAND NOW TOO! IT’S ALL US LADY FOLKS CARE ABOUT!  Due to English custom you can’t just leave your sister in your castle to have wild gangbangs with werewolves all day and night. But I mean, considering the amount of misogyny the 3rd in command is packing? Not leaving her alone there is probably a good idea. (Also I will puke blood if Felicity and Channing become an item.)

Ivy shows up at this time as well cause I mean…Ivy has always been sexually drawn to inconvenient timing.  Don’t kink-shame her!  When Ivy hears that Tunstell will be going on the Dirigible, she pouts until Alexia just let’s her go along too, cause HAHA WHY NOT AT THIS POINT!?

(A gif of Hillary Clinton laughing and throwing her hands up.)

So she’s taking Angelique (to dress her), Felicity (to be obnoxious in the bitchy way), Ivy (to be obnoxious in the ditsy way), and Tunstell (cause this 90lb actor will protect them all.)

OH BOY WE GOT A SMORGSEBORG OF IMPENDING WACKINESS TO CONTEND WITH!  IS THAT EXCITEMENT I HEAR OR THE CRACKING OF MY OWN GRINDING TEETH!?

Say something nice Faps:

Dang I’m having a hard time saying nice things here that aren’t simply just, “Well at least X didn’t happen!”

She uhhh tried to steampunk?

I get a masochistic tickle when Alexia’s family is around.  I dislike Alexia so I like seeing her insulted, but the cartoonish villainy of her family is hilarious to me.  It’s just so spot-on, the archetypal “BASIC SHALLOW BLONDE BITCH-SLUT TO MAKE PROTAG LOOK BETTER THAN ALL OTHER GIRLS!”  However I have yet to see an author fail so spectacularly at differentiating the evil girls from the protag. “I can’t believe all my family cares about is how they look, their social standing, and men!” Huffs Alexia, as she ponders her own romantic dalliances to the king of the Universe, in her new blue carriage dress, which has SHOOK the London fashion world to its VERY CORE!

Everything Wrong With Everything Wrong With Shrek 2

ORIGINAL VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8D6dnIzMhc

1Implying anything is wrong with Shrek

2.Everything Wrong With Shrek In 18 mnutes or less 2

3.”Also, the premise of Pixar’s Up was surprisingly inspired by this Dreamworks logo in a Shrek movie” You’re really reaching for a this movie that movie sin and we just started, this is not a good sign.

4.”Once upon a time cliche nar-reading” This is a fairy tale spoof. It would be sinful to not have an opening like this.

5.”Is it me or is it creepy that the Prince traveled all this way just to get it on with a woman he doesn’t even know, even though he has a mission?”Yes, that’s the point. He’s supposed to be a slimy dude and besides, that woman is the princess, knowing her isn’t too important when he has a “prize” like that.

6.”I know that Prince Charming is Self absrobed and this journey is super long but how the F*ck did he not hear about Fiona’s marriage to Shrek?” You said it yourself: It was a long journey and it’s very likely he was on it while the ending of Shrek 1 was going down.

7.”Back in whatever time this is, 8mm camera existed” Jeremy is fine with a world of dragons and ogres, but when that world has cameras, that’s crossing the line, damnit!

8..”There are still assholes trying to kill Shrek and Fiona even after the revelation in the last movie?” You mean prejudice doesn’t just magically go away? What a shock.

9.”We’re supposed to believe these trumpet players walked the entire way from Far Far Away” …Yes. How is that hard to believe?

10.”Jesus, what was the point of the first movie if Shrek is just going to reboot into being a sandy butthole?” He’s “sandy” for different reasons this time. Well, really the same reasons: People judging him which is something I would be…sandy about. Okay, do you mean salty?

11.”Also, if I didn’t live through it , you would have never convincd me that this movie made nearly a billion dollars worldwide” Hey if you can get 8 mil subs, anything is possibly…..Was that mean? Whatever.

12.”This could have been some really subversive s*it if Fiona had stayed a human princess-” No, this is the subversive S*it, that would have been more typical. Could have worked but still.

13.”Look, I’m all for Anachronisms-” Says the guy who keeps sinning them.

14.If you’re wondering if Jeremy loved complaining about humor that is better than his back in 2017, then you’d be correct and I’m mostly sparing you. It’s not as bad as in Hotel T 3 but he keeps repeating himself more than he claims the movie does.

15.”How the f*ck did they hear that?” WELL TOM-

16.”Also, movies confirms that Ogres have testicles in the same place as humans” …Not sure why you assumed otherwise.

17.Jeremy sins Shrek being able to pick up Puss the super tough cat, even though this is an actual thing that works on cats and it’s another “that’s the joke” thing.

“Think about the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you” “I dunno, it may be hard to find a copy of The Adventures of Pluto Nash out here” Okay, that was funny.

17.”This is supposed to be Fiona’s Fairy godmother-” She flat out has a shop and business card, why did you assume she doesn’t work for everyone?

18.”Donkey waits to subject to this plan until after they’ve gone to the factory-” Actually he was vocally against this from the start, Shrek just ignored him cuz he’s Shrek.

19.-”why doesn’t it turn Dragon into a filly?” We don’t see Dragon until after everything is back to normal so maybe it did.

20.”You could even tell Fiona about the mixup” He would do that..if he didn’t assume Fiona flat out left him for charming, which is the case here.

21.No sin is removed for the entire Holding for a hero scene.

22.”Forcible Frenching” Jeremy states what is happening on screen.

23.”This movie is no different from the original” He then lists vague things that ignore the execution and added elements.

SINS VIDEO SIN TALLY: 23

SENTENCE: No Happily Ever After

…Yeah, this was supposed to be last week, as the result of a poll I did on Twitter. I got caught up in Christmas/new year’s stuff and by the time I wanted to write this, it was a bit late but here we are, our first sins sins of 2019.

Anyway, this one was a long time coming. Not as many sins as I wanted, but some are just repeats of stuff I brought up, and I agreed with quite a few near the end here and there. Still a fairly bad one overall though, just not the worst he’s done.

But yeah, we’ll do Shrek the Third eventually. Until then next, week we’ll do another Cinema Sins one because…it’s a tie in to a film coming out next and I wanna be timely. See ya then.