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storiesofsvu · 2 years

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Hidden Desires Ch 21

Casey Novak x reader. Past Alex Cabot x reader Warnings: language, angst, the final hurt//comfort.

Casey got home just after you’d gotten out of the shower, changing into comfortable clothes, leaving the suits and heels in the workforce part of the day. You’d been texting throughout the late afternoon, she was well aware that Liz had tracked down Alex’s hotel for you and that you were going to see her.

“Hey.” You softly greeted her as you met her in the kitchen, kissing her cheek gently.

“You doin’ okay?” She asked.

“As well as I could be I guess.” You shrugged, thanking her as she passed you a file folder that you slid into your bag. “Thank you…for being okay with this, I know a lot of people wouldn’t be comfortable with the entire situation. You know that I’m just going to talk, I just..need answers.”

“Hey.” She squeezed your hand, “I trust you. And you have more than enough reasons to want to go see Alex and figure things out.” She sighed heavily and you could see a hint of worry in her eyes, “and if you end up wanting to…find out what could have been..I get it.”

“Casey!” You were honestly shocked, letting out a slightly worried laugh, “as much as I’m curious as to what my life could’ve been like if Alex never got shot, I’m happy with how it ended up.” Your hand came up to stroke her cheek softly, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smiled softly, leaning in to place a kiss on your lips. “Should I have the merlot ready when you get home.”

“Honestly…I think it might be time to crack that bottle of scotch we have stashed.” Casey let out a pitiful laugh, her face sympathetic.

“Okay.” She kissed you quickly once more and as you pulled apart your brow furrowed, your eyes settling on the stone resting on her collarbone.

“Did…you have that necklace on all day?” Your heart picked up before you even realized it.

“Yeah…” Casey’s hand moved to the jewelry as she glanced down at it, “why? It was in the jewelry box, I figured it was fair game. If it’s not I’m sorry, I won’t wear it again.”

“No…” you sighed, “it’s fine…it’s just…”your forehead dropped to her shoulder.

“It’s hers…” she put the pieces together easily enough.

“Yeah. She leant it to me before we started dating.” You laughed at the memory, “fuck I was still dating men at the time…I just..ended up never taking it off.”

“I’m sorry.” Casey squeezed at your hand.

“No, baby, it’s fine, promise.” You pecked at her cheek, “it’s generic enough she probably didn’t notice, and you didn’t know. If I wanted you not to wear it I would’ve kept it somewhere private.”

“Okay.” She shot you a soft smile, “now go. It’s gonna be fine.”

“Thanks.” Giving her one last kiss, you finally pulled yourself away, leaving the apartment.

Your stomach was in absolute knots, butterflies in your chest as you watched the number in the elevator rise, you hadn’t been this nervous since your first case. The prosecutor in you refused to let you go into this without having something planned, you knew the various ways it could play out, and you’d done your best to write out and talk through what you wanted to say and ask. Hell you’d brought Ramone home from the office in an attempt to help calm yourself down while you spoke through your thoughts. (Casey later saw the cactus on the kitchen island and had a little laugh to herself, knowing what you’d done).

When the elevator doors opened you froze for a second, thinking that maybe, you could just hit the ground floor button and retreat from this entire thing, but Stabler glanced up at the pinging, shooting you a weak smile. Taking a heavy breath, you stepped into the hallway, making your way towards him.

“Hi..” you greeted awkwardly.

“Hey…” he rubbed at the back of his neck, “I-uh..wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Elliot Stabler apologizing? What planet are we on?” He shot you a glare at that,

“I mean it…if I had known you and Alex were..involved, I would’ve said something. You deserved to know.”

“Thank you.” The smile you returned to him was genuine, you never would’ve guessed words like that to come out of his mouth, but maybe he understood it in a way that Olivia didn’t. He shot you a small smile before knocking on the door to Alex’s hotel room, pausing slightly before he slid the key card in, unlocking it and letting you in.

Any amount of calm achieved by the small interaction was instantly vanished as you stepped into the room, hearing the door click shut behind you. Maybe this was a horrible idea. Or a horrible idea to have done alone. Maybe you should’ve had someone else there, a mediator.

Fuck did you ever miss Sonya right now.

“Hi…” your voice was so weak you barely heard it over the thunderous throbbing in your chest.

“Hi..” Alex replied, her crystal eyes already shimmering with tears. She was terrified of what was going to happen next, completely unaware of what was going on in your brain and she hated it. You surprised both her and yourself when you threw the original plan out the window, stepping toward her and wrapping your body around hers. The hug relaxed both of you, a sigh of relief escaped Alex’s lips before she spoke again, “God I missed you.”

“You’re really real…” you murmured against her sweater. Sure, you’d seen her in Casey’s office earlier, but now? You could feel her, you could smell the oh so familiar scent of her shampoo, you were certain now that she wasn’t some figment of your imagination, that you weren’t living in some kind of fever dream.

“Yeah..” she replied softly as you slowly pulled away from the embrace, her hand trailed down your arm, briefly landing in yours, “you look good.” She smiled. Taking a breath you stepped back,

“Well for being dead you look pretty amazing.” To be fair, you weren’t kidding, even with her bare face, hair pulled back she was stunning as ever. She gave a watery laugh before you spoke again, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t…”

“Alex…” you did your best to keep things civil, at least not let the anger bubble up so early into the conversation, you wanted to talk things through, “you had the chance…”

“When I woke up in the hospital they told me I was ‘dead’, that I was being moved to a new identity and location until further notice.”

“Please don’t lie to me…” your voice cracked slightly.

“What’d’you mean?”

“Lex..I know you met with Liv and Elliot…” a deep breath to try and hold back a cry, “you told them not to tell anyone. I just…I don’t understand why..”

“I couldn’t exactly have them blabbing that I was in Witsec to everyone.”

“But you could’ve at least done something to say goodbye to me!” Fuck…the tears were coming earlier than you’d hoped, but honestly, you were lucky you’d held it together long enough to make it through the door.

“I’m sorry…” she murmured, suddenly avoiding your gaze.

“Why tell them and let me believe you were dead for two years? Do you not understand how absolutely horrible that was for me? Losing the love of my life?”

“I didn’t think I could handle saying goodbye to you!” Alex turned back to you, a lone tear streaking across her cheek, “I love you more than I’d ever loved anyone in the entire world! You meant everything to me! All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“You think I was happy?! You seriously think that I was happy as you were ripped from my life? That I was happy as I smashed every glass in the apartment when I found out your case was unsolvable? That losing my two best friends within six months of each other brought me joy?! Jesus Alex.”

“Wait..what?” Her breath caught in her throat, not clear on what your words meant, “what’re you talking about?” You turned back to her, a huff of a sad laugh coming from your mouth as you wiped away your tears.

“Sonya’s dead. And unlike this situation I know that for a fact since she bled out on my hands.”

“Oh my god…” she murmured, “I’m so sorry.” A wave of grief flew through her, of course she wouldn’t have known, but the sudden information swept through her harder than she expected it to. It was part to comfort you, and part to soothe herself when she stepped forward, pulling you into a hug again, tucking you under her chin while your emotions got the best of you.

“I wasn’t happy…” you cried against her shoulder, “I was fucking miserable. I needed you. I needed you more than I ever possibly thought I could, and I thought you were dead. I thought you were gone forever…but you’re not…”

“I know…I’m sorry…I know…but I’m here now..” she threw caution to the wind as her lips softly met the top of your head, trying to reassure you, “I’m here…and I wish I could’ve been there for you when you needed me. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of you, that I didn’t think of what we had.” Alex pulled away gently, her hand softly stroking at your cheek, her eyes pouring emotion into yours. Your cheek leant into it ever so briefly before you came to your senses, stepping back the second she leaned toward you.

“I can’t…”

“It’s one night…” Alex’s voice was barely above a whisper, and you were sure you had never seen her this vulnerable or pleading in your life, “I don’t know what’s going to happen after the trial…I don’t want to have to leave again having my last memory with you being a fight.” Her hand reached out to yours and you took another step back.

“Al, I really can’t.”

“I get it, okay? Part of you hates me, and that’s completely deserved, but all I want right now is to feel you in my arms again.”

“And all I wanted was for you to love me enough to say goodbye!” The words shot from your mouth before you even realized.

“I did love you! I do love you! What was I supposed to do?! Meet up with you to dump you because I was going into Witsec with no end date in sight?”

“You could’ve asked me to come with you! You could’ve at least let me know you were alive! It might’ve made it easier to get over you knowing you weren’t dead.”

“Sweetheart…” she stepped toward you, reaching for you once again. You hastily stepped back once more.

“I said I can’t!” You wiped a stray tear away, “Since I found out you were alive it’s made me feel like I’ve been having some kind of sick affair all this time and I could never do that to her.”

“You’re seeing someone…”

“Yeah..” you sniffled, daring a glance across at her, “I thought you were dead, remember? The last thing Sonya ever said to me was that you would want me to be happy, that it was okay to move on. It was harder than I could’ve ever imagined, but I somehow managed to do it.”

“Novak…” Alex started to pick up on the cues throughout the day that she’d missed previously, “that was my necklace! Jesus you have a sudden thing for lawyers or something?!”

“Oh my God Alex! She had no idea, she grabbed it from the jewelry box this morning, it’s not like she did it intentionally or anything! I didn’t even notice until she came home from work.”

“You..live together!? Are you kidding me?!”

“You are not allowed to be mad about this! You let me believe that you were fucking dead for two years! You left me to grieve, crying over you for months! Sonya fell so far fucking deep I had to get her suspended and sent to rehab! The entire goddamn department was crumbling after you left! I was barely holding on! And guess what? Casey happened to be there, and was a friend that I could lean on, and that friendship morphed into more. You claim you loved me, that you still love me? Yet for some reason it was more important to say goodbye to Benson and Stabler over your own goddamn girlfriend!? Do you not get how fucked up that is? You do NOT get to belittle me because I finally managed to get over you, that I actually managed to move on with my life.”

“Y/n-“

“No.” You warned, grabbing your bag, “this was pointless. I really only came to give this to you, I know how your brain works. If anyone asks you didn’t get it from me.” You pulled the file on Connors out of your bag, tossing it onto the bed.

“Will…will you be there tomorrow?” Her voice wavered, realizing now that she’d fucked up not once but twice, she should’ve realized that you’d moved on with your life, it was only natural.

“I will. But don’t think for one second it’s because of you.” You nearly spat, “Antonio asked me to come, and that’s the only reason.”

Wrenching open the door you were gone before she could utter another sound, you tore past Stabler, not even bothering to wait for the elevator, stumbling down the stairs as the tears blurred your eyes. You hated this, you hated every second of it. Alex shouldn’t have been able to break your heart a second time, it shouldn’t have been allowed. You were happy, you loved Casey, everything had finally been on an upswing before she came tearing back into your life. But your heart still had a corner reserved for her, and right now, that corner was crumbled to absolute dust, being blown away in the cold wind of the night.

You did your best to hold your emotions at bay, especially once you got home, but Casey was ever the selfless incredible girlfriend she always had been. She had a glass of scotch in your hand before you’d even managed to get your coat off, she kissed your cheek softly and didn’t ask you any questions, letting you curl up against her on the couch. You apologized so many times you lost count, feeling overwhelming guilty for being this emotional over an ex when you had the most incredible girlfriend right in front of you. She simply kissed your head and reminded you that your feelings were more than valid, letting you breathe it all out.

To be honest, there was a tiny part of her that was…concerned…jealous wasn’t the right word. She knew that no matter what you’d remain faithful to her, but Alex had been such a big part of your life, a turning point as you discovered yourself. She was worried that Alex’s return to the D.A’s office after the trial wrapped could cause some tricky situations…if that’s what the blonde wanted. Obviously whatever had happened between the two of you tonight hadn’t been easy, and she knew it was bound to be a rocky road from here on out until you both managed to cope with things.

Alex dropped down onto the hotel bed, burying her head in her hands. She knew from the instant Hammond and Cragen pulled up to her house in Wisconsin that none of this was going to be easy, but it was so much worse than she could ever imagine. She hated herself, she hated how little and weak she felt, how vulnerable the entire situation was. Not just in being the victim, but in being the idiot who let you go, being the bitch who left without a hint of a goodbye. She had no one to blame but herself for that. You were right, she could’ve left a note with Benson, sent you something non descript that would’ve clued you in that she was okay, that there was a chance that the two of you would be okay, that you potentially could have a future together once this bullshit was over with. But instead she’d taken the cowards way out, and now…you had moved on.

Wiping the tears off her face she sniffled, her attention turning to the file you’d tossed onto the bed. As she flipped it open she realized that not just the paperwork on Connors was in there, you’d added in some things of your own, things that would actually help her even more than knowing what made Connors tick and she was eternally grateful.

The next couple of days were a goddamn whirlwind, the Connors trial was everyone’s main priority, but all of you still had actual jobs to do. Benson and Stabler were regularly called away to other cases, your phone buzzed a few times but you were adamant on not leaving Antonio, and honestly, you were worried for Casey’s safety. You’d already lived through one love getting shot, you weren’t about to let that happen again because she was prosecuting this case. Liz reluctantly managed to pass anything that came your way onto a junior A.D.A, but only after you promised to help them through it and even second chair if they needed it. Alex’s testimony proved that the file you’d snuck her had done it’s good, the jury was definitely on the people’s side, and Antonio did so well you felt like you could cry. The kid was so young and had been through so much you knew that the jury had to side with him.

There was a unanimous sigh of relief when the guilty verdict was called through the room. Casey glanced back towards you, a thankful smile on her face as your eyes beamed with pride. You walked Antonio out, passing him off to Agent Hammond after a quick hug, apparently they had something to talk over. You chose to wait for Casey as the crowd dissipated in various directions, though you knew Casey’s office was the end location for everyone. All you wanted was to pull her into a deep kiss and tell her how incredibly she’d done on the case and how much you loved her, but you opted for the knowing gleam in your eye as you squeezed her wrist, keeping the privacy you both preferred.

The SVU crew was only a few steps ahead of you back at Hogan Place, a couple of bottles of champagne present to celebrate the win, this one was special after all. They poured out the glasses, dolling them out to everyone as a chatter took over Casey’s office, happiness and smiles bursting through the room. The door rattled, and you all turned to it, hoping Alex was on the other side, but instead, Agent Hammond entered the room.

“They’re moving Antonio and Alex to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye.” You felt your face fall before you even realized what was happening. You felt Casey’s hand close around your wrist, squeezing softly, thankful you were at the back of the crowd, able to accept the comfort without worry. “And Vanriel..”

“Yes?” Your gaze shot to the man, wondering if maybe this time Alex had left you something.

“Antonio says thank you. He wishes he could tell you in person.”

“Thanks…” you managed out in a breath.

It hit you like a ton of bricks…an eight year old had more courage. He could do his best to give you a proper goodbye but Alex chose to disappear with no warning or afterthought…again. You did your best to hold it together, though the mood in the office was instantly changed to a somber one as Hammond left. Everyone had been hoping for a joyous reunion and celebration, things were awkward until everyone had finished at least one glass of champagne before the conversation started again. Roughly an hour into it as everyone seem distracted you discreetly slipped from the room without anyone noticing. Or…at least you thought. Of course Casey noticed, her eyes following your form as you snuck out her door. She checked her watch as she turned back to the conversation with the detectives, she knew you, and knew that you needed some time alone before she tracked you down.

You found your way to your office, thankful at least Ramone was still there to keep you company as you knew you were about to ramble on to no one about the entire situation. Mainly, you were mad. You were mad that Alex chose to walk away from you two years ago without a second glance, that you meant less to her than the detectives did. You were mad that today, even after trying to get your feelings out, she walked away again, that Antonio made sure you knew he was sorry, but she did nothing. You felt betrayed, and you felt betrayed by your own heart, wanting to be able to leave this entire thing in the past and move forward with Casey. It was when you wiped your tears, ready to rant, glancing down at Ramone that you saw the envelope tucked beside him, your name scrawled in Alex’s perfect handwriting across it.

Stopping dead in your tracks you wondered if you even wanted to open it, and then you remembered…all those letters your therapist had encouraged you to write to Alex. The ones you counted as journal entries, the ones you had nowhere to send…until she popped back up in your life.

You’d put them into the file folder with Connors paperwork.

Plucking the envelope from your desk you grabbed the bottle of scotch, picking up a glass from the shelf to pour yourself a hefty amount before you settled on the couch. You had no idea what you were about to get into and you knew that no matter how much you thought you were prepared, you wouldn’t be.

‘Y/N,

I need to start this off by once again, saying that I am incredibly sorry. I know that you’ve probably heard it too much from me over the past couple of days but I will never be able to apologize enough for what I did. I was heartless, and only thinking of myself. I was scared, I was terrified, of not being able to do what I loved for a living, of having to start a new life, but most importantly attempting to survive without you by my side. Not letting you say goodbye is the biggest regret of my life. At one point I wished that you would wait for me, that when I eventually got to come home that you’d be welcoming me with open arms. I realize now how incredibly stupid that was of me. Why would you wait for someone who wasn’t coming back to you? I’m sorry that I never gave you the proper goodbye, the goodbye you deserved, it wasn’t because I didn’t love you, it was because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. Leaving New York hurt me, but the fact that I had to leave you behind absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t bare seeing you one last time, telling you that we had to end it, that it wasn’t safe for either of us. I knew that it would break you, that you were nearly at your tipping point before the entire thing happened. I wanted you to be able to have a life, no matter how much I loved you, I wanted you to live your life, to move forward, and I knew you wouldn’t be able to do that if you knew I was alive somewhere out there. I’ve read all of your letters, and believe me, I cried through most of them. I’m so sorry for all of the pain I’ve caused you, I wish I could take it all back, that I could kiss every crack in your heart until it was healed. I wish I could’ve been there for you when Sonya was killed. I’m so sorry that everything went to shit. I hope you know that I am immensely proud of you for managing to hold the department together while it exploded into a hot mess. I always knew you were better than the rest of us. But most of all…I need you to know that I am incredibly happy that you’ve found love. As much as it may pain me to know you’ve moved on, the fact that you are happy, and that there is someone out there who cares about you more than I ever could, means the world. Casey sounds like the absolute dream. And knowing that she’ll take care of you, that she took care of you through so much, it means the world to me. You truly deserve someone like her, who will love you so selflessly and with all of her heart. I wish the two of you my absolute best.

I’m sorry I had to leave again without a goodbye, but Hammond gave us no options this time.

Antonio wants to say thank you for all the pudding. I swear, you got this kid hooked.

All my love,

Alex.’

Your tears began to litter the paper a few sentences in, you re read it nearly three times, letting the words sink in. You had no idea how much time had passed when there was a soft knock at your door. You hastily wiped your tears off your face, praying your eyes weren’t too red as you called out for them to come in. You didn’t know why you were surprised when Casey slipped into your office, shutting the door behind her.

“You okay?” She asked softly, sinking into the couch beside you. You instantly snuggled against her, humming as her arm wrapped around your shoulders.

“Yeah…I think I finally am.” You felt her lips hit your head, “turns out I got my closure after all.” You held the paper up to her. She took the letter from you, honestly surprised at first as her eyes skimmed the words, that you would let her read it. Then again, you loved and trusted her more than anything, and she was more than well aware of that.

“I’m sorry you ever had to go through this.” She murmured, placing the letter down on the coffee table.

“Thank you.” You sat up slowly, “but you don’t need to be. You’re what helped me through this. You made me able to see life with colour again, you…made me realize that love isn’t just a once in a lifetime experience. That maybe…it’ll come back even more powerful the second time around…” you gave her hand a squeeze, “Casey…please..know that no matter what happened today, I wasn’t going anywhere. I love you..more than anyone could ever imagine. Even if Alex ended up staying in New York, or…coming back to the D.A’s office…it wouldn’t have changed things. The only person I want to spend my life with is you.”

“You sure about that?” She half smirked.

“One hundred percent.” You smiled, kissing her gently, “Alex may have been a significant part of my past, but you…Casey Novak..you’re my future.”

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