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hotchnisslvr · 2 months

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“Power Struggle”

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner/Reader

Rating: M

Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 7.2k

Summary: For months, you and SSA Aaron Hotchner have been toeing the boundary between romance and your careers. When the unsub that's been killing women in Michigan by way of replicating Zeus' punishments from Greek mythology takes you as his next victim, it's up to Hotch and the rest of the BAU team to find you before it's too late. Hurt/comfort and angst with happy ending.

Tags: graphic depictions of violence, reader kidnapped by unsub, blood, implied SA, nudity, electrocution, scarring, hospitals

“You’re telling me someone is out here killing people to recreate, what? Greek legends?” Sheriff McCullen’s brow pinches as he shakes his head.

“Legends are stories often loosely based on a real person or event to teach us a lesson. Mythology is based on supernatural or sacred lore and explains why things came to be. It’s a common mistake.” Reid speaks quickly and methodically, as if reciting from a textbook. “It’s straight out of the mythos,” he explains, his voice tinged with something akin to excitement as he approaches the whiteboard where photos of the victims had been pinned up for review. Using a ballpoint pen as a pointer, he taps the first image of the first victim. “Regina Manford, she was found tied to a boulder in Craig Lake State Park with her liver removed. Animal predation showed birds had pecked at her while she was still alive. In Greek mythology, Zeus did this to Prometheus to exact revenge on him after he stole fire to give to man.”

Reid moves on to the next victim, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he did so. “Sarah Walters was found bound to an old water wheel that had been set on fire. Greek Mythology suggests this is a copy of Zeus’ punishment for Ixion.”

“And what did he do to deserve that?” asks the sheriff.

Reid’s lips form a tight line. “He was invited into Zeus’ home on Olympus. After attempting to seduce his wife, Hera, Zeus punished him by binding him to a wheel of fire cursed to spin forever toward the underworld. She might’ve smiled or even looked at him, and in his delusion believed she was a seductress deserving of punishment.”

“So, what? This guy sees himself as some sort of god?”

“We believe that is his delusion, yes,” answers Emily. “Each victim also bore signs of sexual trauma, this is something Zeus is also renowned for in the mythology. Our unsub thinks he’s infallible and that these women’s lives and deciding when and how these women live and die is his divine right.”

“Do we know if there will be more victims?” asks one of the detectives.

You step forward from your place between Morgan and Hotchner. “Given the number of victims Zeus punished within the mythology, we can assume he is not finished. These kills are two weeks apart. It’s been twelve days since the last body was found. We can only assume he’s currently hunting for his next victim. And when he finds one, he convinces her to go to a second location. It's once they leave the primary location that he attacks. In each case, the victim suffered a blow to the head, leaving a uniquely shaped gash in her forehead. This suggests that he strikes them with a distinct blunt object or even a ring that’s on his hand.”

“We need every man out on the streets,” Hotch states, his eyes hard as he scans the group of law enforcement gathered to receive the profile. “He stalks his victims in the city, often on the weekends when night life is busiest. He’s charming. He has no problem approaching women because he views himself as a deity and carries himself with the arrogance and confidence of one. He’s white, in his early to mid 30s, good looking, charming, and likely has a career that would’ve provided him with medical training.”

A female detective with short blonde hair sticks her pencil in the air. “How do we know that?”

“The incisions made on Regina’s body were clean, precise, and showed no signs of hesitation,” explains Rossi. “The M.E. also informed us that the hepatic artery was clamped off, meaning,” Rossi hesitates before continuing on, “meaning Regina Mansford was alive as her liver was being cut from her body.”

An uncomfortable murmuring breaks out. Hotch raises a hand, silencing them. Your mouth goes dry and you swallow, hoping your team doesn’t notice the way your eyes dilate when you look at him and the silent way in which he can command a room.

“This is why we need every available officer on the streets. Increase units in the downtown area. Have plain clothes officers on the streets. That’s where we’ll be. Thank you.” Hotch tucks his head and sweeps out of the bullpen, the rest of the team trailing after him into the conference room.

“Where do you want us?” asks Morgan as you shut the door to the conference room.

“Reid, I want you here working the geographical profile. See if there’s anything we missed that could bring us closer to a precise location where he’s kidnapping his victims. Rossi and JJ, I want you to go back to Sarah’s apartment and see if we missed anything that tells us where she was exactly on the night she was kidnapped. Derek and Emily take the north side of downtown.” He inclines his head toward you. “You and I will take the south side.”

His eyes linger on yours a moment longer than they ought to have. You dip your head and swiftly exit the room, jacket in hand as you prepare to brave not only the frigid Michigan cold but working one one-on-one with Hotch. This had been going on for months; subtle looks, brief touches where his fingers would slide over yours while passing off a case file…yet a part of you still wasn’t sure if it would ever go any further than that. You spend so much of your time with the team, it would be so easy to mistake one gesture for something that it wasn’t. Yet you knew that wasn’t true. You know behavior. You’re trained to recognize the subtlest of shifts in demeanor and body language and you know exactly what is going on.

You jump as someone pushes through the front door of the precinct. Emily’s gentle laugh disrupts your rumination. “Sorry,” she says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

She moves to stand closer to you as she zips her jacket. “The guys went to grab the cars.”

You nod and shove your hands in your pockets.

Emily arches a perfectly manicured brow. “What’s up?”

You school your expression and feign nonchalance. “Nothing, I just want to catch this guy before he hurts anyone else.”

Emily’s brow furrows and then straightens, a glimmer of knowing in her eye. “Something tells me there’s a different guy on your mind.”

Your heart skips a beat and you nearly choke on the crisp winter air. “What? I don’t—“ Your words falter as Derek and Hotch arrive, the SUVs humming to a gentle stop at the curb.

Emily eyes you, a sly smile curving one side of her red lips. “We’ll talk later.” She winks and steps forward to open the passenger side door, sliding inside and disappearing into the dark interior.

As you turn to move toward the SUV, Hotch is there, opening the door for you. The gesture surprises you, but it shouldn’t. He’d been doing little things like this for weeks now. You nod your head in thanks and as you turn your body to slide past him, his hand catches your hip. Your breath hitches in your throat as his fingers glide against the small of your back, guiding your movement into the vehicle.

His hard eyes meet yours as he shuts the door and you’re grateful for the shadows inside the car as you feel your face flush bright red. Hotch slides into the driver’s seat with ease. He shifts the car into gear and pulls onto the road, heading in the direction of downtown.

After a few minutes, you open your mouth to disrupt the silence, but his cell rings. Hotch answers and places it on speaker as JJ’s voice floats through the receiver, “Hotch, we think we’ve got something at Sarah Walters apartment.”

“What’s that?” you ask.

“There’s a sticky note in her trash can,” a garbled sound echoes through the speaker as she shifts the phone. The sound of paper crinkles as she reads, “Tony’s at 9, does that mean anything? Has Garcia come across a Tony in any of her research into the victims’ lives? Maybe an Anthony?”

An image of a neon sign flashes across your mind’s eye. “It’s a bar,” you say matter-of-factly.

“A bar?”

“I remember seeing the sign on our drive-in. It’s a bar on the south side of downtown. That could be where he’s meeting these women.”

“We’re only a few blocks away, we’ll head there now. Thank you, JJ.” He hangs up and slips the phone into his jacket pocket.

“How do you want to play this?” you ask.

“We go in, make observations, see if we can identify anyone that matches the profile.”

You smirk and a small laugh escapes your lips.

“Something funny?” Hotch asks, his voice low in his throat.

You purse your lips, pausing before you proceed. “If we go in looking like feds, we’ll scare this guy away.” You tilt your head, considering. “Well, one of us anyway.”

A slight twitch in his brow is the only indication your words have just barely gotten under his skin. “Touched a nerve, sir?”

As the traffic light ahead blinks red, he eases the car to a stop. He breathes out slowly, the amber glow of the stoplight reflecting in his eyes. In less than two heartbeats, he thrusts the car into park and with both hands clasps your face, drawing you in to kiss you with such fervor white spots dot your vision. It takes a moment to process the heat of his mouth on yours and the way his tongue slides between your lips, and before you can truly reciprocate the light turns green and he pulls back, his breathing ragged against your mouth as his forehead touches yours. “Be careful when and how you choose to call me sir.”

Before you can exhale, his eyes are on the road again and you’re driving deeper into downtown.

“Understood,” and then you add, almost imperceptibly, “sir.”

A small smile quirks at the corner of his lips, but he says nothing more as you approach your destination.

It's nearing 9:30pm when you pull up on the street parallel to Tony’s. People trickle in and out of the bar in groups of twos and threes; most are young, in their mid to late twenties.

“Right,” you say as you unbuckle your seatbelt and turn to exit the vehicle. “Stay here.”

“Excuse me?” Hotch asks, reaching over your lap and grabbing your wrist to stay your hand from popping the door open. Your breathing stills and he just barely turns his face toward yours. “Since when do you give me orders?”

Unsure where the confidence to challenge him comes from, you lean in near his ear. You swallow once before speaking. “I think you like taking them.” Feeling incredibly brazen, you nip at his ear once and as the unexpected gesture disarms him; flick your wrist out of his grasp and pop the door open. You slide out of the car and are immediately greeted by the frigid January air eliciting goosebumps up and down your arms. Extending an arm overhead to hang on to the frame of the SUV; you lean down into the cab of the vehicle. “I’ve got you right here,” you say as you tap the hidden earpiece. “Let me know if you see anyone from the outside that fits the profile.”

Hotch eyes you and there’s a fierceness in his gaze. You wonder if he’s thinking of how he’ll ultimately retaliate for your little role reversal now that he’s gone and upped the ante in this little game of cat and mouse. “See you soon,” you wink and slam the door shut.

As you approach the bar, you make sure your coat is buttoned in a way that hides your sidearm and credentials from sight. The bouncer doesn’t even pretend to ask for an ID as you approach and move through the front door with ease. As you cross through the threshold, your senses are assaulted by the smell of beer on tap, the sharp tang of liquor, grease, and an amalgamation of perfumes and colognes.

Immediately you begin scanning the room. You note the layout of the bar: three exits for patrons, the one you just came in through, one near the bathrooms for cigarette smokers, and an emergency exit on the far right wall near to the kitchen. There are three pool tables all of which are occupied as well as three dart boards along the far wall. Groups of friends engage one another and dates carry on without a hitch. You approach the bar, which is centered along the far wall. Stools line the high countertop and behind the bar, two women work to fulfill the never-ending drink orders. You approach the bar and slide into one of the empty seats, relaxing your shoulders as you do so, and order a rum and coke that you don’t plan on drinking.

After a moment the bartender drops a cocktail napkin in front of you and places the drink on top. You thank her and stir the contents of the drink with the swizzle stick popped inside.

“Is this seat taken?” an unfamiliar voice causes the hair on the back of your neck to prickle and you know immediately that it’s him.

Painting on a saccharine sweet smile, you turn toward the voice. A white man, standing at about 6’2”, is smiling down at you. The neon lights behind the bar reflect in his blue-gray eyes and his honey blonde hair falls in soft waves to his shoulders. “Please,” you say demurely and gesture toward the seat. You tell him your name and continue smiling.

“Ronan Carlson,” he introduces himself as he slides in beside you and adjusts the lapels on his leather jacket, a fake Rolex peeking out from his sleeve. He’s preening, you think to yourself. The bartender approaches from behind the bar and he smiles, the curve of his lips the opening act of his charming performance. “I’ll have what she’s having, thank you.” He pulls a roll of cash from the inner pocket of his jacket, flips through several bills, and pulls a $100 bill free before sliding it across the counter to her.

The bartender’s eyes widen in surprise and he winks at her. She nods her thanks and turns to make his drink.

“That was very kind of you,” I say, stirring my drink for the thirteenth time.

He shrugs and tips the baseball cap he’s wearing down over his eyes and you know it’s to obstruct the view the cameras have of him. “It’s only money, and I think I may have made her night.” He inclines his head toward the bartender whose head is bent close to the other woman’s. She’s smiling wide and shows her the $100 bill.

Internally, you roll your eyes hard, but externally you smile and look at him from beneath your lashes. “You must have a great job, what do you do for work?”

His hand flexes as he sets his drink down on the counter and you note the two chunky platinum rings he wears on his right hand. There are symbols etched into them offset by different colored stones, but you don’t want him to catch you staring as he answers, “I’m in business for myself these days,” he says with no further explanation. “Though I used to be in the military.”

You feign surprise, though you were hopeful he’d continue to divulge information. “The military, wow. Let me guess,” you pause and allow your eyes to slowly scan him from head to toe. You remember the profile. “Army…medic.”

“Reign it in,” you hear Hotchner’s voice through the earpiece. “Be mindful of how much you reveal to him. Don’t let him know you know more about him than he’s letting on.”

You watch him assess you and your read into him. One blonde brow creeps up toward his hairline and that wicked smile curves his lips again. “Excellent guess, how do you figure?”

Leaning on to your forearms, you push your drink aside and slide your hand over his and you don’t miss the way his fingers tense at your touch.

“It’s the hands,” you say coyly. “You look like you know how to handle yourself.” He relaxes under your touch and a heat ignites in his eyes that makes your stomach churn, but you don’t let it show on your face. “You look like you know how to handle a lot of things.”

He licks his lips and turns the ring on his finger. “Tell you what,” he says as he picks up his drink. He places the glass to his lips and downs its contents. “Why don’t we get out of here?” He looks down at you from beneath dark lashes. “And I’ll show you just how much I can handle.”

You stand up and flash him a grin. “Let me quickly freshen up and I’ll meet you out front.”

His lips quirk into a smirk, “I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

You smile as you slip away toward the bathroom. As you push through the crowd you inform Hotch that the unsub is on his way out.

“There’s a line growing out the door,” he answers over the earpiece. “Does the description match the profile?”

“To a T,” you answer as you push past a couple with their tongues in each other's mouths. The amount of patrons has increased dramatically over the last hour. The volume of the music makes it hard to hear through the earpiece. You push your way into the restroom and are surprised to find it empty. Fortunately, the outside noise is muffled. You begin to describe Ronan’s appearance and note the jacket and hat he’s wearing. “He’s wearing two oddly shaped rings,” you add. “I think it’s what’s caused the unusual injury to the victims’ faces.”

“I’ve got him. He’s cutting through the line toward the parking lot.” You hear the car door open and slam.

“Got it, I’ll be right there.”

“Good work,” Hotch says over the open line.

You smile to yourself as you unbutton your jacket, glad to be on the receiving end of his praise. For a split second you wonder what else you could be on the receiving end of if you continue to play this game with him. After the case, you remind yourself. Priorities. Priority number one is getting this sick bastard off the street, and he’s right here within your grasp. You shoulder the door as you reach for your gun, positioning your thumb over the rotating hood to dislodge your weapon from its holster.

Over the speakers, an employee is calling to celebrate someone’s birthday. The crowd is distracted and pushing toward the source of celebration. The bar erupts into an off key rendition of Happy Birthday but you don’t hear it as 30,000 volts of electricity course through your veins. Your muscles spasm and lock up as you fall forward. Pain radiates from your abdomen in waves that crash over you again and again. You try to tell your body what to do as strong arms catch you and pull you into a chest that smells like cigarette smoke, but your limbs don’t cooperate. You feel his nose root into your hair as his lips find your ear. “How’s that for capable?”

As he shoulders your weight and steers you out through the emergency exit you hear Hotch’s voice in your ear. “It’s not him!” There’s an edge of panic in his voice as he says your name. “Do you copy? It’s not him. He gave another man $500 to wear his hat and jacket into the parking lot. It’s not him. Do you have eyes on him?”

Dark spots the edges of your vision as he drags your dead body weight. You try to focus all of your ability on getting out any words that can signal to Hotchner what’s happening, any at all but your mouth feels like it’s filled with cotton.”

You hear the tinkling of keys and a door slide open. Pain rattles through your skull as he throws you into the back of whatever vehicle he’s operating. Pain slices through your wrists as zip ties slice through the skin there. Through tunnel vision you see him leering at you. He’s backlit by the streetlights.

As his fist flies toward you, you finally manage one word.

“Aaron.”

•

When you come to, the first thing you feel before the splitting pain in your head threatens to cleave your mind in two, is cold.

Your mouth is dry, but as you move to lick your lips you realize you can’t because there’s a gag in your mouth. You try to move your hands, but they’re bound too. Zip ties cut into each wrist, securing them at your sides on the legs of a wooden chair. When you try to shift the chair, you learn that it’s bolted to the floor and your legs are spread open; zip ties at your knees and ankles keep them apart. Except for your bra and underwear, you’re naked. He undressed you. You feel the wound from the stun gun before you glance down at your stomach and see the two bloody pinpricks in your abdomen. You feel your heart rate increase as panic begins to set in. Do not panic , you tell yourself as you take a steadying breath. The minute you start to panic, you’re dead. You close your eyes and piece together the last dredges of your memory.

Tony’s. Sitting at the bar. The unsub. Ronan. Hotch was in pursuit. And then there was just pain.

Hotch.

The pain in your skull is overwhelming and you’re not sure if you can feel the earpiece anymore.

“Hotch,” you attempt to say through the gag. “Hotch, do you read me?”

You close your eyes as hot tears brim along your lash line when there’s no response. The signal is out of range or the unsub found the earpiece and removed it.

A door creaks open on squeaky hinges and your eyes dart toward the source of the sound. Ronan walks through the door with a sick smile on his face. As he saunters toward you, he rolls the sleeves of his flannel up to his elbows. Without looking away from you, his arm drops to his side and he scoops a folding metal chair with one hand, carrying it with him as he edges closer to you.

You flinch as he cracks the chair down in front of you, forcing it open. He chuckles as he takes a seat. His eyes skirt the length of your body and you wish any limb were free to deliver a blow to his smug face.

He reaches into his back pocket and withdraws your badge. He flips it open and holds it up to your face, the way his eyes flit between you and your credentials makes your lip curl.

“An FBI agent,” he says slowly. He slaps your credentials shut against his denim-clad thighs. “Hot damn!” he shouts and whoops. He throws your badge to the wayside and it clatters against the cement floor. “I’m going to take my time with you.”

It could’ve been hours. It could’ve been minutes. The torture is unrelenting and the pain is unending. Your chest heaves as you brace yourself for the next surge of electricity. Ronan, if that’s even his real name, twists the knob on the amplifier and taps the jumper cable clamps in his hands together. He smiles when he hears the buzz of electricity between them. As he presses them into your thighs, you cry out in pain as the shockwaves paralyze your body and mind and the pain overwhelms you.

“YES!” he roars as he pulls them away from you. He’d taken his flannel off, but now he peels off his t-shirt, balls it up, and uses it to wipe the sweat off of his face.

With the voltage no longer coursing through your veins, you slump forward, chest heaving as your scrambled brain fights to stay alert.

He drops the cables and clasps your face in his hand, forcing your chin up to meet his wild eyes. “You just don’t quit, do you? You're special.” He strokes your cheeks with his thumbs as if he cherishes what he’s doing to you. “You are worthy of a god.”

When you come to Ronan is watching you. He’s leaning forward, elbows on his knees, chin resting on his clasped hands.

“She wakes,” he muses.

You glare at him and his brow pinches. He purses his lips together like he’s been stung, but his eyes are alight with amusement.

“You,” he says, gesturing up and down your body, “look beautiful.”

You don’t need to look down to know the number of bloodied burn wounds spanning the lengths of your legs. If you couldn’t keep track of any other thought, the count was all that kept you grounded. There were ten. Five on each leg. Your wrists and ankles bled from the way you’d pulled against them with every shock he delivered.

He reaches forward and this time you don’t flinch. He hooks two fingers into the gag and pulls it down over your chin, his fingers trailing your lips as he does so.

“Here,” he says, bringing a bottle of water to your lips. “Drink.”

You clamp your lips shut and turn your face away. He laughs and shakes his head. “Come on now, don’t refuse me. That’s not how you show gratitude when a god shows you mercy.”

You muster as much hatred into your stare as you focus your attention back on him. “Mercy?” you hiss, and your voice is hoarse from screaming against the gag. It hurts to speak. You pull against your restraints. “This is what you call mercy?”

“I’m only testing you to see if you’re worthy,” he says by way of explanation. "You've lasted longer than the others."

“Worthy of what?” you ask, but you already know the answer.

“To be my Hera.”

“How is what you’re doing to me, what you did to those other women, going to help you find her?”

“They weren’t worthy,” he answered. “They couldn’t take my power like you could, my lightning. They were false. They needed to be punished.”

He leans in, his lips close enough to yours that you can feel his smoky breath on your skin. “But you, you deserve to be rewarded.” Your skin bristles at his words. His lips find your jawline and you grimace as he drags them up the side of your face. When he pulls away, dried blood flakes onto his skin.

“Don’t be afraid,” he soothes as he smoothes your sweat-drenched hair away from your face. “You’ll enjoy it.”

Unable to suffer any more of his poisonous bullshit, you rear your head back and slam it forward. Pain explodes behind your forehead, but it’s worth it to hear the satisfying crunch of his nose breaking. He roars in pain and clutches his bleeding nose. White light blinds you as he backhands you and curses your name. His ring splits the skin of your cheek open. The force of the blow causes you to bite your lip and you feel your teeth cut into the chapped skin there. You spit blood at him, angering him further.

“You are false!” he screams, spittle flying from his mouth as he shoves the gag back into your mouth. “You are not her!” He moves to pick up the jumper cables, twisting the knob of the amplifier all the way up causing the bulbs overhead to flicker. You know this is it. If he touches you with those, it will kill you.

Bracing yourself for the killing blow, you go to the grave knowing you did not give in to this bastard.

It never lands.

Instead, three shots ring out and he’s falling to the floor dead at your feet. As the unsub’s body falls, Hotchner’s frame comes into view and a choked sob escapes your lips. He holsters his weapon and runs to you. Emily and Morgan are right behind him. Morgan passes Hotch a Swiss Army knife from his pocket and he makes quick work of the zip ties binding you to the chair. From the corner of your eye, you see Emily turn off the amplifier and check Ronan’s pulse.

Unable to hold yourself up, you fall forward into his ready arms, letting yours fall over his shoulders. Hotch drops to his knee to support your weight. “You’re okay,” he says as he pulls the gag free from your mouth and you sob into his chest. He smooths your hair back from your face, his eyes assessing the damage done to you. Blood stains his shirt, your blood.

“Morgan, your jacket.” Hotch orders.

Without hesitation, Morgan unfastens his bulletproof vest and unzips his jacket. He passes it to Hotch who drapes it around your shoulders in an attempt to preserve some of your modesty.

“I need a medic!” he shouts before directing his attention back to you.

Your eyes waver as you try to keep them open. You lock in on the depths of his warm brown eyes. “You’re going to be fine,” he says but his voice sounds far away.

“He wanted someone to be his Hera,” you say weakly.

“Don’t worry about that right now,” Hotch soothes.

You swallow and it hurts your throat to do so. Your lips crack open, “You found me.”

Hotch cradles your head against his chest. “Of course I did.”

You wince as the sound of a gurney crashes into the room, the metal wheels squealing as it draws near. Your head swims as you’re swept into the air and laid out on its cushiony bed. A light shines in your eyes and voices are overlapping. Blindly, you use what strength you have left to drop your hand off the side. Unable to focus your attention on where he is, you know he’ll hear you. “Don’t leave me.”

And as you lose consciousness, you feel his hand slip into yours.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

•

A steady beeping fills your ears as you slowly come to. Your eyes feel bruised and you don’t think you have it in you to open them, but you feel something around your wrists and bolt upright. Pain crashes over you in a wave. It was a dream. You’re still bound in that basement. The beeping increases, growing louder and faster. Someone says your name and you feel hands on your shoulders. You try to swing your fist and are surprised when your arm follows through and makes contact with flesh. Did you break through the zip ties? You hear your name again, clearer this time. A man. He’s asking you to stop, to relax.

“It’s me,” he repeats and says your name again. “You’re safe. You’re in the hospital.” He says your name again. “It’s me, it’s Aaron.”

You stop fighting and blink hard. Hotchner’s stern face comes into view, except there’s concern wavering in the depths of his brown eyes. His brow softens as you relax. A small smile turns the corners of his lips. “Hey there,” he says. A nurse rushes into the room and he raises a hand, “We’re fine, here. Thank you.”

The nurse looks at you and you nod. She looks unsure about leaving but ultimately relents. “I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake.”

Aaron cups the back of your head in one of his hands and gently begins to lower you back down onto the pillows behind you. You allow him to guide you and feel the tension ease from your muscles as your back sinks into the surprisingly plush hospital pillow.

As the adrenaline wears off, you’re finally able to take stock of your injuries as the pain quickly makes itself known. You feel your pulse beating in your skull, pounding at your temples, eyebrow, and cheekbone. With shaky fingers, you touch the places where you remember the unsub striking you. You feel a thick bandage taped over your right eyebrow and steri-strips over your cheek. Your lip is swollen from where you bit it.

Bandages encircle your wrists and there’s an IV stuck in your hand. You’ve been dressed in a hospital gown and the sheets are drawn up to your waist covering the burn wounds. You don't have to see them to know how bad they look. The pain is telling enough.

“Is he dead?” you ask, lowering your hand back down to the bed.

Hotch’s lips form a tight line. “Yes.”

You blink back tears as that information sinks in. “Good,” you whisper in a choked voice. You blink and allow your head to loll to the side. A colorful bouquet of roses and carnations dotted with plastic ladybugs and butterflies sits in a clear vase on the side table.

You smile, “Garcia?”

Hotch smiles in turn. “It was tough to convince her to go home and get some sleep, but I promised her I wouldn’t leave you alone. Even then, it was still a hard-fought battle.”

You chuckle and wince as the movement irritates your injuries.

Hotch telegraphs his next move, and you know it’s to avoid startling you. He cups his hand over your uninjured cheek and strokes the skin there with his thumb.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he says, and his voice sounds tired and pained. “I should’ve gone inside with you.”

“Hotch, don’t.” You reach up and wrap your fingers around his wrist. “Don’t do that to yourself. He didn’t know I was with the FBI until after he took me. If you’d been there, he might’ve pegged us as law enforcement and taken off. He might still be out there and we’d be finding another dead woman in a matter of days. You know I’m right.”

Hotch closes his eyes and heaves a heavy sigh. “I could hear you.”

“What?” you whisper. You try to sit up and wince as the movement stings the wounds in your legs and abdomen. Hotch stands and helps adjust the pillows behind your back before sitting back down in the chair at your bedside.

“Not for very long. He drove out of range, but I heard him speaking to you. I heard the blows land. I heard your head smack against the floor when he threw you in the van.” He stops and shakes his head. “I felt so helpless. I was afraid. I couldn’t get to you, just like,” his voice catches in his throat. “just like I couldn’t get to Haley.”

Your heart breaks for him as he speaks. You reach for his hand and take it, squeezing it. “Aaron, you did get to me. You saved my life.”

He clears his throat and swallows. “Yes, but we were almost too late.”

“But you weren’t,” you state, your tone firm. “Aaron, look at me.”

He hesitates and inhales deeply before lifting his gaze to yours. The corners of his eyes soften as he meets yours and you smile. You gently tug his hand, “Come here.”

Hotch glances toward the door and then back at you, “The doctor—“

“Isn’t going to do shit,” you finish. “I’m the one that endured hours of torture. Pretty sure I’m allowed some close comfort.”

He lets out a shallow laugh. “Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Standing, he shrugs out of his suit jacket and drapes it over the back of the chair. With one hand he loosens his tie until he’s able to pull it up and over his head. He tosses it onto the chair and circumnavigates the bed, assessing the best way to join you on the small mattress.

You groan as you slide over. Hotch reaches out to stop you but you silence him with a pointed look. “Mind the IV,” you say as you pat the space beside you.

Hotch acquiesces, using the tips of his fingers to raise the IV drip enough for him to slide into bed beside you. He slips an arm around you and drops the feed. It falls across his torso. The feel of his arm around you is comforting, like a security blanket, like safety. You relax into him, and rest your head on his chest. His lips brush against your bandaged brow.

“Not quite how I imagined we’d first be sharing a bed,” you joke softly as you nuzzle in deeper against the wide plane of his chest.

You feel him smile against your hair. “Only you could joke at a time like this.”

“If I can’t laugh at what’s happened, I’ll never be able to close my eyes at night.”

“Well, if that’s the case.” He rubs the bare skin of your arm in small circles. “I’ll be there until you can.”

You turn your head to look at him then, your heart full. This is happening. His eyes are on yours and you push yourself toward him ever so slightly. He closes the small gap between you and presses his lips to yours. It wasn’t hungry and primal like the kiss in the car. There would be plenty of time for that later. This kiss was light, tender…healing.

“Sir, I’m sorry. I tried to go home, I really did but as soon as I got there I—” Garcia’s voice abruptly cuts off. You look up and her initial look of surprise turns to one of abject joy.

You feel your cheeks flush as Emily and Morgan appear in the doorway behind her. Morgan’s eyes widen and Emily’s brow arches as a smile curves her lips.

“I, uh, brought backup.” Penelope giggles. She remembers she’s holding something. “And cookies! I couldn’t sleep, so I baked. I figured I could bribe you into going home and getting some sleep.” Her words leave her mouth at a mile a minute. “I thought you’d fight me on it, so I brought some muscle.” She gestures with a tilt of her head. “They’re the muscle.”

Morgan exhales and points a finger at you and Hotch. “Can someone explain to me what’s going on here?”

Emily elbows him and he drops his arm. She takes the tray from Garcia and walks it over to the side table where she places it next to the flowers. She winks at you as she turns back to Garcia and Morgan. “It’s about time,” she says.

Penelope laughs as she hooks her arm in Emily’s. “What's it been? Two, three months?”

Morgan guffaws. “Months?”

Penelope pats his face with a ring-adorned hand. “My sweet oblivious profiler. Come on, hot stuff.” She takes him by the hand and leads him from the room. Emily shakes her head and laughs. “Men.”

“Safe to say the team knows.”

Hotch releases a breathy laugh and kisses your forehead again. “I know what will be the first thing on the agenda at tomorrow’s debriefing.”

•

6 weeks. It had been 6 weeks since you’d pressed the elevator button that would bring you back to the office. The weight of your gun feels right where it sits upon your hip, your gait more familiar to you now than when it wasn’t holstered to your side. You nervously adjust the grip on your go bag. You’d packed and repacked it the night before.

This morning as you were getting out of the shower, you stared at yourself in the mirror. Your cheek had healed nicely though the skin on your brow that had been split by the unsub’s ring had scarred, severing the tail end of your eyebrow from the rest of it. The ligature marks around your wrists and ankles had healed and the skin was smooth once more. The stun gun had scarred your abdomen, but all that remained were two purple pinpricks of scar tissue no bigger than the size of an infant’s thumbnail.

Your legs are a different story. The front of your thighs are an array of mottled scar tissue. One burn had gone so deep that they’d needed to graft skin from your calf to salvage it. The wounds no longer hurt physically, but you’d woken up from nightmares on more than one occasion.

You were never alone though. Garcia worked remotely on secure laptops with VPNs as often as she was able. Rossi brought you home-cooked Italian at least twice a week and talked with you over numerous glasses of red wine. Reid brought black-and-white foreign existentialist films that you didn’t understand, but his enthusiasm as he watched made you happy all the same. Emily and Morgan brought coffee and donuts as often as they could and Hotch…if he wasn’t at the office or visiting Jack, he was with you. On several occasions, he brought Jack. Jack would sit on the bed beside you, playing with his toys, narrating the adventures of his action figures as Aaron stood in the doorway, smiling. At night, when you had woken in a cold sweat, Aaron was there with a washcloth to wipe it away. When the bandages had stuck to your burn wounds and it felt like your skin was being peeled apart, he got your pain medicine and helped change the dressings, holding you until the pain had passed.

You blink as the elevator dings, signaling you’ve reached your destination. You take a deep breath and smooth down the front of your blouse as the door opens wide. Everything looks the same, yet everything feels like it's changed as you approach the desk you occupy perpendicular to Emily’s. A smile crosses your lips as you see the Welcome Bac k card on your desk. Two vases of flowers sit behind the card. One is almost exactly like the one from the hospital so you know it’s from Garcia. The other, a bouquet of purple tulips, has a note attached to it. You open the note and read it.

Glad to have you back. Things haven’t been the same around here without you. -AH

Hotch. You should’ve known. You smile and tuck the note into your purse.

“Hey, hey, look who’s finally decided to get her ass back to work.” Morgan’s charming laugh is followed by Emily chastising him.

“Ignore him,” she says as she places a steaming mug of coffee on your desk.

“You’re a godsend,” you say by way of thanks and take a long drink. Two sugars, no milk, just the way you like. “Wow, Emily, that’s perfect. I needed this.”

“How come you don’t remember how I take my coffee?” Morgan asks pointedly.

She shrugs, “Chicks before dicks, Derek.”

You sputter and choke on your coffee.

“Look,” he says as he pats you on the back. “Her first day back and you’re gonna kill her.”

At that moment JJ passes by with a file in hand. She raises it in the air and gestures to the conference room. “We got a case.” She smiles at you warmly. “It’s good to have you back.”

Together, you, Morgan, and Emily enter the conference room where Reid, Hotch, and Rossi have already gathered. Once you’re all sat, JJ begins presenting the case. You review current victims and why the Sacramento Police Department has invited you onto the case

“Sacramento PD is expecting us this afternoon. We’ve got a long flight ahead of us. Wheels up in thirty, understood?”

A chorus of ‘yes sirs’ echo throughout the room. As the team gathers their belongings and moves to leave, you wait for Hotch to catch your eye. You wink at him before mouthing, “Yes, sir.”

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yangkitties · 12 days

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bros before hoes ✰ chapter 09: dance dance

wc: 0.7k

Waiting for Sunghoon, you quickly set up the cameras for your behind the scenes vlog. You were excited to practice with him again, having had so much fun the last time.

Through out the one month you’ve been MCs, you like to think you’ve gotten a lot closer. Especially after the day you practiced 7th sense together.

It was so easy to be around Sunghoon, his naturally charming and slightly awkward personality matching yours perfectly. He always knew exactly what to say, whether he was reassuring you or cheering you up. The highlight of your weeks was when you went to MC with him, always having the time of your life with his silly jokes and witty improvisations.

You’re reviewing the choreography for the dance as Sunghoon walks in, excitedly waving at you. You wave back to him, signalling him to come over to the camera.

You both stand awkwardly in front of the camera, looking at each other before you burst out giggling. You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself.

It was all in vain, because when you make eye contact with him again, the both of you breaking out into peals of laughter.

‘Today we’re gonna be practicing ‘woman on the beach’!!’ Your bright smile covers half the frame, your hands filling the rest as you excitedly continue to ramble about the stage.

‘I might be excited, but I don’t think Sunghoon is…’ You tilt the camera to capture Sunghoon, who looks like he’s going through the entire range of human emotion in the span of 3 seconds. He sighs, whining as he comes closer to you.

‘Why did they have to pick such a cute concept.’ He pouts unconsciously, frowning at the stage instructions in his hand. ‘I’m SO bad at cute concepts!’

‘Awww, no you aren’t! But… is this reminding you of Chamber 5? Another concept out of your comfort zone.’ You smirk as you tease him lightly, giggling at the way his ears go red.

‘PLEASE! Don’t remind me of that torture!!!’ He shudders, trying to shake away the bad memories.

‘Hmm I don’t think cute concepts should be that hard for you, considering you were the cutest in Hey Tayo!’ You continue to tease him, enjoying the way he squirms.

‘Oh my god, come on, let’s just get to practicing, PLEASE!’ He drags you away from the camera, your laughter following his footsteps.

You begin practicing, and slowly you start to slip into the zone. Although it’s a cute and lighthearted concept, you can’t help but treat it with incredible amounts of seriousness, focusing on every bit of advice the choreographer gives you.

Practice seems to go on for hours, but it’s so much more bearable with Sunghoon’s pearly smile and adorable whining.

After about 2 hours, your bones feel like jelly and your face hurts from smiling. Just as you strike the ending pose for the performance, you hear the door open.

You turn around to see Tsuki, smiling ear to ear. She waves at you, patiently waiting for the choreographer to announce your break.

‘Sunghoon, this is your chance!! Go to talk to her!’ You push him lightly and he stumbles, his limbs suddenly burdened with awkwardness as he tentatively approaches Tsuki.

Your legs and hands may hurt from the hours of practice, but nothing hurts more than the tightening of your chest as you see Sunghoon talking to Tsuki, or at least trying to talk to her.

He awkwardly tries to make conversation with her, smiling every so often. You see Tsuki smiling back at him, nodding her head quizzically. Her lips curl into a small smile as he continues to ramble, eyes earnest as she listens to every word he says.

They look good together, complimenting each other in ways you didn’t think could be possible. And Sunghoon looks happy, and you know this is what he wants, she is who he wants. At the end of the day, it’s her, and not you.

You walk away, not ready to face that pain yet. You sit in the furthest corner of the room, waiting for everything to be over.

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synopsis > with the help of fukutomi tsuki, park y/n finally gains the courage to face their long time crush, the one and only, park sunghoon. park sunghoon thinks it's love at first sight when he sees her. paired up as the new mcs of music bank, shenanigans ensue when y/n learns about sunghoon's crush...

note: this chap was supposed to be released WAY earlier but we ball :P hope you guys enjoy the angst 🥰

©️ yangkitties 2024 do not copy, plagiarise, or repost

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sleepychailatte-blog · 3 months

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When I was in school, there seem to be a camp of two types of girls when it came to literary choices. You had the Twilight/vampire romance girlies and the Hunger Games/dystopian gals, and you would have thought these two groups were the two families from Romeo and Juliet. Yours truly was part of the Hunger Games camp, and middle-school me was obsessed. I’m talking book and movie premieres, Team Peeta shirts from Hot Topic, wearing a mocking jay pin publicly, the whole gambit. God forbid if you read Twilight, that poorly written, low-brow, dumb, vampire romance. We were the readers of dystopian fiction, which was superior because it made you FEEL things about capitalism, broken societies, being true to yourself, etc. etc. etc.

It’s been over a decade since 2008. To all my Twilight girlies, I would like to offer you my most sincere apologies. I should not have judged you so harshly.

Recently I watched Twilight for the very first time as an adult. A friend of mine came over for a painting/movie night, and Twilight was our featured film. I knew the memes, I knew roughly what the plot was, but I wasn’t ready for the experience that was to come.

So without further ado, I’d like to offer my thoughts and review on the 2008 masterpiece, Twilight. If you aren’t familiar with the Twilight story, go read a quick synopsis and then come back.

🌘So, did you like it?

I had an absolute blast watching this movie. Would I say it’s a good movie? Probably not. Did it age well? Nope. But it was delightfully cringey, as you had to suspend all believe of realism. You couldn’t take this movie too seriously, because this movie took ITSELF way too seriously. It’s like they cranked the drama/teen angst meter up to 100 and everything seems so life-or-death…even though the main characters, Bella and Edward, are 17 year old juniors (ok so Edward actually isn’t 17 because he’s an old vampire but you get what I’m saying). It was very much that kind of relationship where “they can’t even bear to be apart or they will DIE” oh no how tragic (I think we now call that co-dependency).

When I was 17, I sure as heck didn’t know what love was. But again, this story is based in absolute fantasy, not realism, and that’s the fun part. Oh to be swept off your feet by a mysterious, handsome, brooding vampire that you met in your biology class!

🌓Favorite part of the film?

The script for this movie is pretty bad, I’m not gonna lie, and that’s part of the charm. It’s so bad, that it’s kinda good. Here’s some of my favorite quotes:

“You better hold on tight, spider monkey." -Edward to Bella because he can jump really high and run really fast. I about peed my pants from laughing when Edward said this.

“This is the skin of a killer, Bella." -Edward to Bella because vampire skin *literally sparkles* in direct sunlight. Again, almost peed my pants.

I will say that I love Edward’s family, the Cullens, as a whole. This vampire family tries to cook a regular meal for Bella, Edward’s human girlfriend, and oh my heart. Vampires don’t cook because they don’t eat normal food; the Cullen family had never used the kitchen in their house. The fact that they would go out of their way and attempt to do something so foreign to them in order to make the human girlfriend feel comfortable? Um, wow that’s actually really sweet.

Also, shout out to Bella‘s dad, Charlie for actually trying to connect with his daughter. Bella and Charlie have a bit of an awkward and tense relationship but this doesn’t stop Charlie from trying to be a good dad. I will say that one of my other favorite scenes was when Bella asked her dad if he wanted to meet her boyfriend Edward… while he was cleaning his shotgun. When he said, “sure, send (your boyfriend) in” and loudly snapped his shotgun shut, I about lost it. What a dad move! A national treasure.

🌒Would you watch it again?

Under the right circumstances. I would need either anesthesia or a large sangria. If I ever showed this film to my children, it would be for a study of what not to do in a relationship. If your significant other says “I can’t live without you” when you’re 17…that’s some big creepy co-decency energy.

🌑Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Um Team Charlie all the way. Hands down the best and most sane character in this whole film. We love to see a dad do his best and love his daughter…even when she starts dating a super weird pale dude.

🌘Conclusion

Watching this film made me think about guilty pleasures. We all have them, and they all look different at unique stages of our life. One of my favorite guilty pleasures is watching Judge Judy. My 70 year-old grandmother used to watch the Bachelor. For a friend of mine, it’s those cheesy Hallmark Channel movies. Others enjoy vampire romance novels. Are these things high-quality and sophisticated? No. Are they of good taste? Meh. But they are meant to be enjoyed, and that’s the whole point.

Twilight is the same way. Is it good? Not really. But that doesn’t matter, because it’s a cringey/angsty teen fantasy that’s meant to be enjoyed.

You can be both a Twilight girlie and a Hunger Games gal, and still have a pretty darn good time 🖤

#twilight saga #twilight meme #edward cullen #bella swan #movie review #twilight movies #spider monkey

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dreaminginthedeepsouth · 4 days

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When I speak with Anne Lamott, she is in a “hotel-motel” in Ypsilanti, Michigan, halfway through a cross-country book tour, flaunting sparkly pink nails. The manicure was part of a coping strategy initiated in response to a bad review – “seriously the worst review” of her life, said Lamott. No matter that Somehow: Thoughts on Love, her 20th book, is cresting the New York Times’ bestseller list – a dig by a prominent critic can still capsize her day.

But this is Anne Lamott, known for her preternatural ability to uncover grace in all her trials, from the trivial to the existentially unmooring. Lamott has found Christ-like qualities in a colicky baby, self-love in the abyss of addiction, and even ways to shepherd her own neuroses when they arrive at the writing desk like damaged relatives “with their weird coppery breath”.

In this latest book, which reads as a collection of parables, themes of love and grace are often interchangeable. Lamott recalls, for instance, a friend who found a small frog in the shower, which she picked up and carried to its rightful place in the grass outside. The frog, panicking en route to safety, was insensible to the murmured comforts of its carrier. “I think this is one of the best examples of how love operates when we are most afraid and doomed,” writes Lamott, “carrying us to a safer place while we pound against cupped hands.”

The idea that we can entrust ourselves to such tender devotion – no matter how ill-fated our lives might seem – is a central thesis of Somehow. Through anecdotes about marriage, illness, best intentions, and penance for a misfired transphobic tweet in 2015, Lamott presents love variously as a vessel, a shelter, a meditation – and “our only hope”.

And now, in the face of a bad review, Lamott is trying to exercise the wisdom she extols. She’s leaning on her loved ones back home in Marin county, and drawing strength from the outpouring on social media, where fans remind her to shake it off. “And then they said really horrible things about the reviewer and the review. And that, of course, was the best thing of all.”

I spoke with Lamott over Zoom. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Your book launched last month and the next day you celebrated your 70th birthday. Does that number carry any particular significance for you?

Anne Lamott: It certainly sounds old. When I was younger, I really loved drugs and alcohol, and I didn’t think I’d see 18. And then I didn’t think I’d see 21. Then I didn’t think I’d see 30.

Then I got sober when I was 32 – almost 38 years ago – and I thought, oh, I’ve reached the mountaintop. Then I had a kid and felt this urgency to try to stay alive, which I hadn’t felt for a long time. Then I saw 50.

But I loved my 60s. I felt at the height of my mental and spiritual and psychological wellness. As you get older, you just start throwing this stupid stuff off your airplane that kept you flying so low for so long. You just think, I don’t have the time. I don’t care any more. I don’t care what my butt looks like.

By my age, you’ve seen so many people die, many of them younger. And so you get serious about understanding we’re all on borrowed time, and that you’ve got to make a decision about how you’re going to live this one short, precious life.

How does that realization change the stakes when it comes to love?

Over the years, I have picked some really terrible but charming and well-known men. Sometimes attractive and sometimes not. Sometimes they were just good company and the world loved them. But I always secretly knew that if they were a woman, they wouldn’t be my best girlfriend. They wouldn’t even be a close girlfriend.

And then when I was 62 I met this guy, Neal Allen. And just after one coffee with him, I realized that if he were a woman, he would be my best girlfriend. That’s the value I held out for and that’s what I encourage people who still long to find a soulmate to hold out for: it should be a person who you want to talk to for the rest of your life. A person whose commitment is to kindness and who has read every single book you’ve ever read and loved and vice versa.

In December, you wrote in the Washington Post about the slow descent of “the creaking elevators of age”. Apart from death, what awaits you at the end of your ride?

I imagine I will be surrounded by my husband and son and two friends. And they will have called hospice because we all do now. And the hospice is the calvary. They will come in with their syringes full of morphine, so I know I won’t have any pain and I won’t have any fear.

View image in fullscreenLamott in Berkeley, 1997. Photograph: Darryl Bush/Getty Images

There is so much money and attention being spent on longevity these days, which, I think, entails a certain denial of death. I was chatting a while back with people who work in end-of-life care, and their view was that our fear of death detracts from our ability to live a good life.

There’s an American way of forward thrust: you must always be moving and you must be moving higher in terms of recognition or acclaim or stature. I developed that toxic self-consciousness. It kept me from being here, breathing it all in and observing with a small degree of amusement and wonder and tenderness, because I was so fixated on what I looked like and how I was coming across and how I was doing.

The forward thrust has to do with the fear of death, because if you keep moving very quickly, then you’re going to outrun the abyss. The abyss isn’t going to open at your feet and swallow you up. But everything I’ve learned that’s of any importance, I’ve learned because the abyss opened up and swallowed me. Christians call it the dark night of the soul; an alcoholic will call it a bottom. And when you hit that bottom and you have to be in it for a little while, boy, you find out who you really are.

Your parents were atheists. How did you come to Christianity?

Well, it was really an accident, believe me. I’d always studied God and different religious traditions and believed that there was something that heard me if I said hello quietly in the middle of the night. But I avoided Christianity like the plague. I feel about Christians the way everybody feels about Christians. I love what Gandhi said, that he loved Christ, but it was Christians he had a problem with, and that’s totally how I feel about it.

And then at the end of my drinking, there was this flea market near this tiny house where I was living. And I’d go over there because when you’re really hungover you want greasy food and strong coffee. And I could hear music wafting out of this ramshackle, cruddy looking church with a Charlie Brown Christmas tree outside of it. It was the music of the Weavers and Joan Baez and Pete Seeger that my parents had been very fond of. So I just started going over there because I loved the music.

For me, one definition of grace is just running out of any more good ideas. So I get my greasy food and my strong coffee. I was bulimic at the time. I was hungover every single day, and I just went and sat down, and they didn’t hassle me. They didn’t try to get me to join them or to figure out anything or to take Bibles. They just got me water. They could see I was a really sad, damaged person.

I always left before the sermon because it was just too ridiculous for words. And then one day I didn’t, and I experienced saying to Jesus, kind of bitterly: “OK, fine, you can come in.” And I just tried that out, and it was really sweet.

What role did that new faith play in your sobriety?

I converted a year before I got sober. So I had a kind of gap year at church, where I was very smelly and weird and arrogant all at the same time. I had terrible self-esteem because of the way I was living and then I was very arrogant because I’ve been raised to think that the Lamotts were better and more educated.

I stayed there for a year and then I got sober. Church did not get me sober, but my deterioration did and I finally had no place to go. I would have died, I think. And so I just gave recovery a shot.

You mentioned that you married your now husband Neal in your 60s. You’ve had your share of loves and opportunities – what made you ready for Neal to enter your life?

I was raised in the 1950s and early 1960s to understand that women take care of everybody else and that your value comes from being a flight attendant to everybody in the world. I also have a really warm and open heart and I like to take care of people, but my life force was entirely spent on my son and his little baby and the baby’s mother and everybody around me. I was depleted.

And one day, my older brother, who’s a fundamentalist Christian, was staying with me and I said, “I’m just so isolated. I just am so empty right now. I’m all used up.” And he said some sort of happy Christian horseshit. I adore him, but it was like a bumper sticker and I was just furious.

I got in the car and started driving and crying and pounding the steering wheel and telling my son and grandson and the baby mama and my parents and my brothers how much I hated and resented that they sucked me dry and how sad I was.

Later, I came back to town and I called my mentor of 38 years, Horrible Bonnie (she’s horrible because I can’t get her to not love me). And I said, “I’m nobody’s priority.” And she said, “Oh, Annie, this is what we paid for.” She said, “You’re not anybody’s priority because you’re not your own. You’re going to need to take a few months off to have to have a love affair with yourself. You’re going to start with getting the overpriced tamales at the health food store and some flowers. And you’re going to have to do that every day.”

And I was like, no, no, it’s too California. I’m not going to do that. But when all else fails, follow instructions. So I did it. And about three months later, I met Neal. There’s a site called OurTime that’s an offshoot of Match for older people. I met him and we had coffee and we’ve never been apart.

You’ve talked about your own experience with addiction, and you’ve been sober now for almost 38 years. But you also watched your son go through his own battles with addiction. What happened during that time?

Oh, God, it was so awful. He’s got almost 14 years clean and sober now, by the grace of God, but at about age 14, he started to get drunk and stoned a lot of the time. He got into meth and anything he could get his hands on and it was just terrifying.

And I did what you do if you’re a mother. I tried everything. I sent him off to the highest peak of the Allegheny mountains for three months, and then to an organic tofu farm. And when he came home he was dealing the next day. He got his girlfriend pregnant at 19, and they had the baby, and he just got worse and worse.

Nothing I tried worked. Eventually, I left him in jail. The bail bondsman said, “Oh, my God, Ms Lamott, you’re the first mother in my 20 year history as a bail bondsman who left her child in jail.” And, you know, I’m not positive he’d still be alive if I hadn’t.

And then I said, “You can’t come over. You can’t be on the property wasted.” And he stomped off. I didn’t know when we’d ever talk again. But then about 10 days later, he called to say that he had a week clean and sober.

I imagine so many families in similar positions of watching their loved ones suffer would not be able to make those 10 days. They would capitulate to wanting to help. If you were to offer advice to those of us who are watching loved ones suffer, what would you say?

I would say that help is the sunny side of control.

There are these little acronyms in the recovery movement, and one of them is the five M’s: We try to manage others. We martyr ourselves, we manipulate them, and we mother them and the entire world. And the fifth one is so awful: we monitor them, like I’m an android or something, where I can monitor people’s behavior and the number of drinks they’re having or whether I can smell pot on them.

I just learned to release him. Horrible Bonnie taught me this tool, which was to close my eyes and picture the person there and to push them away into the arms of their own destiny.

I had to make peace with the fact that maybe I would lose [my son]. It wasn’t anything but a nightmare. Either he would die driving drunk, or he’d commit suicide or he’d overdose. And I just had to release him.

Somehow is your 20th book. At this point, is there anything that you feel you still urgently need to say?

Not really. I wrote every single thing I know about writing, motherhood, grandmotherhood, mercy, faith, hope.

My dream is not to publish any more. I hate publishing. I hate book tours. I’m exhausted. I’m a homebody. I like to be on the couch with the dog and the New Yorker or People magazine – either one will do.

[ In the US, you can call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.org, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email [email protected] or [email protected]. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org]

#Anne Lamott #Interview #recovery #addiction #quotes

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ash-and-books · 3 days

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Rating: 3/5

Book Blurb: From the��New York Times bestselling author of The Atlas Six (under the pen name Olivie Blake) comes Twelfth Knight, a YA romantic comedy and coming-of-age story about taking up space in the world and learning what it means to let others in.

*This luxe hardcover edition will include endpaper art by Little Chmura, a foil case stamp, and designed printed edges.*

Viola Reyes is annoyed.

Her painstakingly crafted tabletop game campaign was shot down, her best friend is suggesting she try being more “likable,” and her school's star running back Jack Orsino is the most lackadaisical Student Body President she’s ever seen, which makes her job as VP that much harder. Vi’s favorite escape from the world is the MMORPG Twelfth Knight, but online spaces aren’t exactly kind to girls like her—girls who are extremely competent and have the swagger to prove it. So Vi creates a masculine alter ego, choosing to play as a knight named Cesario to create a safe haven for herself.

But when a football injury leads Jack Orsino to the world of Twelfth Knight, Vi is alarmed to discover their online alter egos—Cesario and Duke Orsino—are surprisingly well-matched.

As the long nights of game-play turn into discussions about life and love, Vi and Jack soon realize they’ve become more than just weapon-wielding characters in an online game. But Vi has been concealing her true identity from Jack, and Jack might just be falling for her offline…

Review: A Twelfth Night modern day retelling set in high school following a girl who is known for being the unlikable Vice President and the school's star running back/Student Body president who find themselves bonding over a online game... but under different identities. Viola Reyes is known as a "bitch", she isn't everyone's cup of tea and most people dislike her. She is the vice president for the student body and is tired of having to do all the work of the President who just doesnt seem to care at all. The only real comfort Viola has is the online game, Twelfth Knight, in which she can be herself albeit by taking up a guy character and being treated with respect and understanding... something she doesn't get in her regular life. Jack Orsino is the star running back for the football team and the Student Body President. He's charming, popular and likable... except he gets into an accident and gets a football injury which leads him to begin playing in the world of Twelfth Knight. Jack's life is turned upside down when he is injured as his girlfriend dumped him, his football team doesn't seem to need him, and now he's trying to figure out what he's going to do next if he doesn't have football. Jack begins to befriend another player in Twelfth Knight while also striking a deal with Vi, if she helps him get his ex-gf back by talking to her, he'll do his duties and take over the dance duties he was mean to but she was made to do. The more time they spend together the more they begin to fall for each other... yet Viola is hiding the fact that she has become Jack's friend on Twelfth Knight and she's afraid that if she reveals the truth he'll hate her. I was initially super excited for this, as a huge fan of the classic Shakespeare story and a lover of modern adaptations, this was giving me "She's the Man" vibes and I couldn't wait. I liked Viola and honestly her friendship with Olivia was the real shining aspect of the book for me. They were so sweet together and I really had hopes this could have been a sapphic romance but I also appreciate the female friendship. Jack on the other hand... he's alright. He just didn't feel like he had a lot of character and his relationship with Vi was meh at best for me. I wanted to like this book but it felt a bit too long and it felt I just didn't see the romance or chemistry between Vi and Jack. Overall, if you'd like to read a modern spin on Twelfth Night, I'd say give it a go anyways because it's a unique twist on the classic story.

*Thanks Netgalley and Tor Publishing Group | Tor Teen for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

#book review #bookish #book #twelfth knight

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nothwell · 8 months

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Thanks to Elaine for this thoughtful review of Fiorenzo!

Fiorenzo, by Sebastian Nothwell ★★★★★

Fiorenzo is an epic adventure in an alternative historical world where a Duke is charmed by a young courtesan with a strong spirit. The world-building was incredible, from the realistic portrayals of historical Italian life, to the additions of alternative-world elements, such as the Duke's being descended from dragons, the evolution of unique anatomy, and the fact there are women as Dukes and Princes.

Our two main characters are enchanting and each have a dark past and past betrayals to overcome.

A duel has left Enzo with facial scars and a fierce reputation as the Dueling Duke of Drakehaven. He uses a bauta mask when out in public to hide the scars on his face.

Fiore is a courtesan from the Kingfisher, working as a freelance agent of sorts. His life has been a long streak of bad luck – an orphan sent to the conservatorio because of his singing voice, trained to become an opera singer until a trauma made him run away. After some years, he became Fiore a courtesan and has been one ever since.

Together, they make an intriguing couple. Enzo, who has forsaken all hope of affection or compassion unless he's hidden behind a mask, and Fiore who is a free spirit with a jaded outlook on life. They come together purely by accident, but choose to remain together. The tenderness, heat and deep emotional affection displayed between them is profound and beautifully woven into every passage.

While the book has a slightly lyrical, literary style it works perfectly for the historical background and the nature of the characters. There are some amusing uses of metaphor, such as the constant use of sword and nautical themes in intimate situations. The writing is steeped in detail, both ancient and artistic, that it's impossible not to be instantly drawn into the world Nothwell is weaving, from the language use to the architecture and how the words paint a picture of time and location so clearly.

The story starts beautifully slow with Enzo and Fiore meeting, progressing through their tentative relationship at a pace that fits the budding romance and gives us time to see the bond growing between them. Then, at around the halfway mark, I think I held me breath for an entire 10%, because things suddenly took a turn that left no doubt that everything was about to change. Yet, the chemistry between Fiore and Enzo never wavered, becoming stronger for the adversity they faced. Regardless of who was at risk, the other was there to comfort, protect and care for them.

I loved how tentative Fiore was to believe and trust in Enzo, despite his flirtations and obvious affection. It spoke of how deeply he'd been betrayed and hurt in the past, making it hard for him to trust anyone and how aware he is of his own position in society. Alternatively, Enzo has the luxury of not caring about his position and exceeding people's expectations of him to do whatever he wishes. Even when Fiore is injured, Enzo does everything in his power to keep him safe and well, using all that position and authority that he never cared for, to make sure Fiore is safe. Having undergone surgery without anaesthesia myself, I felt Fiore's pain. Though he was clearly terrified – having a fear of chiurgeons/surgeons – Enzo never judged him for that, instead respecting his choices and never telling him to feel any different or forcing him to face his fears. He takes care of Fiore with such tenderness that it made me want to cry, especially when Fiore was mentally and emotionally scraped raw.

When it comes to secondary characters, I loved Fiore's artist friend Artemesia, the loyal hound Vittorio, and Enzo's sister Giovanna and her family. I wasn't fond of Lucrezia, and I don't think I was supposed to be, but I would have liked to see a little more of his mother at the end.

OVERALL

Fiorenzo is an incredibly emotive, captivating story of two people who should never have found themselves together but who fit so perfectly that there's no denying what a perfect match they make. No matter the trials or troubles they face, they've faced them together and lead the reader on an enchanting journey through danger, ecstasy and pain to come out the other side stronger and more in love than ever. Nothwell has already secured a place on my physical bookshelf with his last book, but this book shows me I need to make more space because I can see many more of his books gracing my shelf into the future.

Favourite Quote

“What would you do with me when I'm old and flabby and wrinkled?” Enzo smiled. “With any luck, I shall likewise become old and flabby and wrinked by then, and we would make a well-matched set.” Another wistful smile graced Fiore's perfect lips. “Perhaps.””

“Even with the mask on, Enzo had felt more seen by Fiore than he had by anyone since he'd first donned it.”

FIORENZO is a queer fantasy-of-manners romance featuring secret identities, hurt/comfort, and a happily-ever-after. Coming out September 30th – preorder today!

Amazon • Apple Books • Barnes & Noble • Kobo • Smashwords

#sebastian nothwell #mm romance #mlm romance #gay romance #historical romance #queer romance #queer fantasy #fantasy romance #romantasy #fantasy of manners #mannerpunk #fiorenzo #kind words

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jgroffdaily · 7 months

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Merrily We Roll Along review summary Part 2

Robert Hofler, The Wrap

‘Merrily We Roll Along’ Broadway Review: Daniel Radcliffe and Jonathan Groff Lead a Riveting Revival

The troubled Stephen Sondheim musical finally finds its perfect cast

Watching the show on Broadway, I found myself concentrating less on Mendez and Radcliffe’s back-to-back screeds and drawn more to Groff, who almost singlehandedly, and in a very quiet way, makes this revival drive forward while going backward on all eight cylinders. He plays off the over-the-top performances of his two costars — who bring a sly Oliver-and-Hardy chemistry to the stage, Radcliffe being Stan to Mendez’s Ollie. Mendez entertains us with her nasty one-liners and Radcliffe stops the show with his powerful, yet nuanced rendition of “Franklin Shepard, Inc.”

Charley and Mary are telling us in no uncertain terms that Franklin is a major sell-out, but Groff doesn’t play him as a jerk. Instead, he makes the character the quiet eye of the hurricane of resentment (justified or not) swirling around him. For the first time ever, I actually felt the need to protect the guy from his two best friends. After all, there are much, much worse things in life than ending up a successful Hollywood producer of shlock movies. Franklin never sexually harasses anyone, uses the wrong pronoun or votes Republican. By today’s standards, he’d be a pillar of virtue in the film community.

Groff’s portrayal of this unsympathetic character (until well into the second act) recalls the equally inspired casting of Jim Parsons as the bitchy Michael in the first Broadway production of “The Boys in the Band.” Groff and Parsons’ innate likeability gives each actor more than a few minutes of stage time to take an audience by the hand and lead us on their respective character’s journey.

Given a choice to see a show called “Musical Husbands” and “Take a Left,” I’d buy a ticket to “Musical Husbands.” Better yet, I recommend getting a ticket to see this wonderful “Merrily” revival and buy another the following week to enjoy it even more the second time.

Patrick Ryan, USA Today

More than 40 years after notoriously flopping on Broadway, “Merrily We Roll Along” is back with a splendid and shattering revival at the Hudson Theatre starring Jonathan Groff, Lindsay Mendez and Daniel Radcliffe.

Groff, who last appeared on Broadway in the original cast of “Hamilton,” has never been better than he is here, imbuing a tricky character with tearful sincerity and charm.

"It's our time, breathe it in," Frank sings at the end of the show, as he readies to take on the world with Charley and Mary by his side. The same could be said of "Merrily," which four decades later, finally feels right on time.

David Gordon, What’s On Stage

Sitting comfortably in the Hudson Theatre, this Merrily is one of those transcendent productions I’ll look back on fondly forever.

Radcliffe’s Charley is adorably filled with nervous energy, and he continues to blow the roof off the joint with “Franklin Shepard, Inc.”. Groff beautifully grounds Frank in the reality of a man who has gotten everything he wanted, only to realise that the most important things in his life have completely disappeared. Mendez lives and breathes every single emotional beat to its fullest potential, making a meal out of Furth’s sardonic quips. Watching them sing “Old Friends” transported me to a plane of musical-comedy heaven which I have not visited in a long time, and their idealistic “Our Time” is a genuine tearjerker.

Friedman’s production is a theatrical miracle, finding the heart at the center of this story of dreams, regrets, and good things going, going, gone. Somewhere, its creators are bursting with pride to see their vision fully realised, at long last.

Steven Siskin, NY Stage Review

If Mendez and Radcliffe were already perfect downtown—or perhaps even on the first day in the rehearsal room—Jonathan Groff’s Franklin Shephard has taken a different path. To say the role is difficult is an understatement; like Robert (a.k.a. Bobby baby) in the Sondheim-Furth Company, Franklin is trapped. He stands in the precise center of a crowd that his character dominates, unable to break through his walled-off personality to relate to anyone, imploring somebody—anybody—to “make me aware of being alive.” Groff brought an intriguing element to his performance last winter, not shying away from displaying a Franklin who was cold, cruel, and unlikable. He has now found a way to add a core of desperate sadness and a sense of loss, which makes him the most effective Franklin of the half-dozen I’ve seen.

The show plays like wildfire, ignited from that first blast of overture from that band. It’s a win-win, or perhaps a win-win-win-win. A win for Merrily, yes; a win for Radcliffe, Mendez, and Goff; and a win mostly for Maria Friedman, who created this production with significant success back in 2012 and—in three or four steps along the way—has continued to add layers of sheen so that it no longer plays like an excellent production of a troubled musical but an excellent show all around.

Melissa Rose Bernardo, NY Stage Review

Thankfully, Friedman has found three actors whose charm and genuine connection overrides their characters’ most unpalatable qualities. And since the NYTW production, their performances have only deepened. Groff (Spring Awakening, Hamilton) is perfection as the successful but hollow composer-turned-corporation Frank

#jonathan groff #merrily we roll along #reviews #daniel radcliffe #lindsay mendez #maria friedman

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serenasoutherlyns · 8 months

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passionately, i'd say

chapter 2 of my woman!jack au. ao3 rewrite of s5e10 house counsel.

“We would’ve been more comfortable in Aruba,” Jack says.

“You prosecutors don’t have the time for frivolous travel like we do. It’s too bad such a great mind is wasted on this office. Third in the class,” Paul volleys right back with a nod to Claire. “But I’ve never lost a case on account of my 2.5, have I. And what do they say, the C students end up kicking the A students in the ass? That’s probably not it, oh well Jackie, I can’t wait to do it anyway.”

“We have Furini on tape,” says Claire. The case is a slam dunk.

“Another A student?” says Paul. He’s smug.

“Law review too,” Claire says, trying not to seem too defensive. “But you don’t have to be to see where this is going.”

Jack leans back a little in her chair and pushes her hair behind her ears, tousling it ever so slightly. Claire likes Jack’s hair a lot. She likes the shine, how soft it is to touch, how it smells like coconut and honey. She does dye it, Jack confirmed one day, looking in the bathroom mirror. She had to get her roots redone. Claire likes her faint crows feet and smile lines, too. She presses play on the cassette. “Mr. Parks is all taken care of, Vin. Bada bing, bada boom.” “Good job, John.” “I think the meaning is obvious,” Jack says.

“Sure it is,” says Paul. “They were talking about Miss America. Look Jackie, I hate to burst your bubble but this case is gonna go the way of all flesh.”

“Because you’re the defense counsel?” Jack says, playfully incredulous.

Paul grins and cocks his head to the side. “Motion to suppress. That tape will never be heard by a jury. Oh, and Anna sends her love. She wants you to come over sometime.”

“Tell her we’ll all go to Aruba this weekend.”

“Sounds wonderful. See you in chambers, Jackie, Miss-”

“Kincaid,” Jack says.

“Miss Kincaid. She seems like a good one,” he says on his way out.

“Jackie?” Claire says when the door closes.

“Yeah, well. Old nicknames die hard.”

“You two seem close,” Claire says, not even trying to hide her annoyance. He wasn’t her typical type. Jack generally has little patience for macho posturing. For dick measuring contests. She does usually win those, however.

“Exes,” she says. “Two years and we never did anything but argue and try to beat each other at pool.”

“Two years,” Claire says. “I didn’t know you had that in you.”

“I didn’t,” Jack says, her voice matter-of-fact. “Ask Carolyn Waters.” Claire thinks she would not have gotten along with 23-year-old Jack. ---

“It’s about the battle, Claire, not the prize,” Jack says.

“You would agree with me if it was anybody else,” is her response. “You’re acting like defending a mob boss is some sort of noble cause.”

“It’s all a part of the game,” she says. Jack can really piss Claire off. Something about Paul Kopell brings out her cynical, egotistical side.

“Last I heard, it was about justice,” Claire says.

“Justice is a story we tell to make ourselves feel better, not something we can reasonably seek. Effective prosecutors should do their best to let it be the byproduct.”

“Of what?” Claire says, knowing that Jack was about to say;

“Of winning, plain, simple, and as often as possible.”

“I’m not in this to score points,” Claire says.

“Well you better change that, Claire, or you’ll never sleep again,” Jack says with that charming, fond, smile. It’s hard to stay mad at her when she looks at her that way. Claire does her best imitation of a frown.

“Adam, we have the tape on Furini. If we’re lucky, he won’t want to spend the rest of his life in prison.”

“Good,” says Adam in that tired but sure tone of his.

---

“I meant what I said, about winning,” Jack says, and takes another sip of scotch.

“Do we really have to talk about work?” Claire responds. She’s had about enough of the case today, and Jack will not let this go. She insists on winning her over.

“What else is there to talk about?” She says, and she has a point. It’s not like they do much else.

“You could ask me about lunch with my mom,” she says after thinking for a second.

“How was lunch with your mother, Claire,” Jack says, mock-interested (because she can guess how it was). She leans into her space Claire leans in too, matching her challenge.

“Awkward and unpleasant,” she says. Claire takes a sip of her pinot noir and rests her her chin on her hand. “She wouldn’t stop going on about my biological clock.” Jack lets out a bright scoff.

“You’ve got some time on that one,” she says.

“I’m in no rush,” Claire says, and brings her bottom lip between her teeth. She touches Jack’s calf with her own. Jack places her hand on her knee.

“I’d hope not,” says Jack. “Cause, I’d be of no help.”

“Thank God.” Jack raises her glass to that.

“Anyway,” she says, “if you get too focused, you’ll drive yourself insane.” Claire goes to respond, to say something pithy, but Jack doesn’t let her. “I’m being serious, Claire.” Claire opens her mouth and closes it. She lowers her head and picks it back up. She puts her hand on the back of her neck.

“I know,” Claire says. “I can feel it happening.”

“So stop,” Jack says. “Don’t beat yourself up if you lose a motion, hell, if you lose a case. Move on, and do your best to win. But if everything is about justice, and you don’t get it, you’ll--”

“Make myself miserable, I know.”

“Good,” says Jack. “You’re getting it.” She touches her shoulder affectionately. Claire sips her wine.

---

“Your friend plays the game by a different set of rules,” Claire says. She’s standing, leaning over the table. She’s been pacing the room, trying to come up with a way to reindict and coming up empty. Paul Kopell is certainly a smart guy. “He and I are not playing the same game anymore, Claire,” Jack says from the couch. She is sitting back, sunk into the leather, her heels are on the floor and her legs are tucked under her. She’s been staring off into the distance for ten minutes, thinking about what, Claire can’t say. This revelation concerns her, she wonders what Jack is about to get into.

“Is that disappointment, or the sound of your ego deflating?”

“It’s contempt,” Jack responds. “He’s reprehensible. First day of law school, ‘What’s the cornerstone of the adversarial process?’” She rises from the couch.

“I don’t need the socratic attitude,” Claire says. Jack walks up close to her, comfortable. The top of her blouse is unbuttoned and Claire’s eyes linger at her collarbone as she tilts her chin up to face her.

“Just answer the question, Claire.”

“Two independent counsel, arguing points of fact and points of law before an impartial judge and jury,” she responds reluctantly.

“Right,” Jack says. “The operative word being ‘independent.’ Paul crossed a line.”

“He didn’t do anything illegal, Jack. He listened to Dasso brag. You heard the tape.” Claire rests her hands on the desk behind her. Jack stands across the room from her with her arms crossed, anger apparent on her face-- she’s even a little red. Her hands are balled into fists.

“He facilitated the operation of a criminal enterprise.” Jack is enraged. That must be why she hadn’t said a word for so long. “How do you think he knew Lempert’s spending habits?”

“Maybe they had cappuccino together,” Claire says. She can’t help the it. Jack is reaching at best but there was no telling her anything when she got like this.

“The juror questionnaires,” Jack says, realizing mid-speech. “How much do you owe, how much do you make. He knew exactly what he was doing in voir dire, he asked the questions that would find him the person most likely to take a bribe. I can’t believe this,” she says.

“I’m not sure I do,” says Claire. Half of her is trying to spare Jack the pain that finding out something like this is true would cause her. “Paul Kopell goes the extra mile, every time. I just didn’t expect him to drive the car into a wall.”

The clerk leads them to it. Claire sees the devastation in Jack’s eyes, the pain of betrayal. It’s heartbreaking. In the cab back to the courthouse, she takes her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. Jack sighs and squeezes back.

---

“Twenty-five years ago, Paul stayed up until 3:00am with me teaching me the rule against perpetuities,” Jack says.

“Smart has nothing to do with honest,” Adam replies. “What are you gonna do?”

“Burn him at the stake,” says Jack. She looks tired.

“Even if we can implicate Kopell, it’s only an E felony.”

“No,” says Jack, determination and rage in her voice. “It’s an A felony. Conspiracy to commit murder. Paul picked Lempert’s name.” Jack is taking things to far, Claire thinks, or she’s going to. She thinks about asking her, if this were any other attorney, would she do something like this?

She thinks better of it, but tries to sway her anyway. “You don’t think he knew they were going to kill Lempert?”

“It doesn’t matter. He set the chain of events in motion. Do you want to convict Dasso?” Claire and Adam nod. “Paul can give him to us.”

---

“You son of a bitch,” says who must be Paul’s wife.

“Anna, calm down. You could’ve called, Jack, you have my number,” Paul says, bursting with anger, spitting the words out.

“I’m sorry, it fell out of my rolodex,” says Jack. The room feels like it’s going to light on fire.

“Are you happy, Jackie?” Paul says bitterly.

“Happy yes, I’m so happy to discover one of my closest friends is a felon.”

Paul actually laughs. “Even if Dasso bribed the clerk, what the hell has that got to do with me?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid, Paul.”

Anna looks Claire straight in the eyes as if to say how could you. “This is really getting your juices going, isn’t it,” she says.

“Anna, if you can’t let me proceed, you’d better step outside.” Paul gestures to Claire. Jack makes a stop motion to her, and though she wasn’t going to leave anyway, she appreciates the show of respect.

“Paul, you can put an end to this, right now,” says Jack. “Give us Dasso.”

“Give you Dasso, who the hell do you think I am? You know what, Jackie, you can’t even carry my briefcase, you never could.” Jack shows how hurt she is: her eyes dart to the side, where Claire is standing. She can see Jack starting to lose her composure, like she’s going to cry, or like she’s going to hit Kopell. “I’m gonna get this bullshit charge dismissed and then write you a civil suit that will have your great-grandchildren answering motions.”

Paul storms out and Anna is close behind him. When the door closes, Jack sinks into the couch. Claire sees one tear roll down her cheek. She goes to take her hand, but Jack pulls it away.

“I’m going to go get a cup of coffee,” Claire says. “Want anything?”

“I’m good,” Jack says. She looks out the window.”

---

“I don’t need your sarcasm right now, Claire,” Jack says as they walk back to the office. It’s fair. Claire could stand to be a little kinder.

“Look, Jack,” Claire says as she takes her arm. “Don’t you think this is getting out of hand?” Jack stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk and turns to face her.

“Do you want to convict Dasso?” Jack asks.

“Of course I do.”

“Well I’m fresh out of ideas,” she says. “This is the only way I can see of doing it.”

Claire looks at her and sighs. Jack is right. Her argument against Kopell is sound. But she hates seeing Jack so distraught, so hurt. They haven’t had a moment to themselves since the arrest.

“Alright,” Claire says, takes Jack’s arm again, and walks them down the street.

---

“He’s a murderer,” Paul says. “He’s my client. I don’t judge him. I defend him. It’s what I do.”

“You don’t have to climb into bed with him,” says Jack. “That’s where you’re wrong. I have to get into his bed. I have to think like him. I have to attend his grandchildren’s christenings, I have to eat his mother’s cooking. It’s the only way I can defend him with any kind of passion. How can you not see that, Jackie?”

Claire can see Jack start to bristle at the nickname where she hadn’t before. It was like watching two angry dogs bark at each other.

“That’s your only agenda?” Jack says, disbelieving.

“Hell no,” says Paul. “I do it because I like it. I do it because it’s fun. I climbed macho mountain and it feels damn good.” Jack grips the table tightly. Claire is disgusted. Jack must be too. He really isn’t Jack’s type, after all.

“We’re offering you a way out,” Claire says. Paul looks at her like she’s nothing. Jack bites her cheek.

“Maybe you should hear him out, Paul,” Anna says.

“Absolutely not,” Paul says, stretching the first word out to five syllables. “Don’t you see, Anna? He called this meeting, that means his case is weak. This is a game of chicken. And you just blinked. See you at trial.”

---

They convict him.

The foreperson stands and delivers a “guilty” verdict. There is no celebration, no after-work drinks, no congratulation from Adam. Nobody is happy.

“That sounded like more than a game,” Claire says as the elevator door opens.

“You better take the next elevator,” Jack says. “I wouldn’t be very good company.”

#law & order #jack mccoy #sficx #claire/jack #kincoy #claire kincaid

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alexsfictionaddiction · 9 months

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Review: Bookshops and Bonedust by Travis Baldree

I have recently discovered the marvellous world of cosy fantasy and Travis Baldree's books are everywhere amongst the community. I know that he is a self-published success story and I'm delighted that his unique stories have been picked up by traditional publishers and presented within these beautiful covers. I adored Legends and Lattes right before diving into this prequel, which is also actually a stand alone, so you can definitely enjoy either book by itself. I had high hopes for Bookshops and Bonedust and it really didn't disappoint!

After sustaining an injury that leaves her unable to continue hunting a necromancer with the Rackem Ravens, orc Viv finds herself recovering in the sleepy town of Murk. She has no idea how she can possibly fill the long days ahead of her in this place until she wanders into a bookshop called Thistleburr. Run by a well-mannered but sweary rattkin called Fern and her pet gryphet Potroast, Thistleburr isn't exactly where Viv planned on spending her time but it may just prove to be the new adventure that she needs.

Thistleburr contains far more books than Fern has possibly ever sold and it really is a book lover's dream. Despite the fact it's in disarray when Viv arrives, it still has a gorgeous, cosy charm to it. I felt immediately transported yet wonderfully comfortable every time I spent time in it and I'd really love a bookshop just like it of my own -despite the struggles!

Viv wasn't a reader before Fern and Thistleburr entered her life and it was really magical to watch a non-reader get lost in a book. This is something that I would really love to inspire in people and the fact that Viv is introduced to a world of books that she didn't know she loved is truly special. The whole novel has this fantastic sentiment that bookshops and booksellers have the power to open up opportunities and imaginations, which is exactly the kind of cosy vibe that I think readers crave.

Fern is a great character and she made me laugh several times with her ability to swear and smile in the same sentence. She has an amazing talent for recommending books and she clearly plays a much more important role in Murk than she realises. I would really love Fern to get her own novel, so if for some crazy reason Travis Baldree is reading this -please write that down!

Viv has a very cute albeit brief romance with a dwarf baker called Maylee. Viv spends much of the time being completely unaware of Maylee's feelings towards her and when they do confess, it's fraught with bittersweet fragility because Viv is just passing through the town. This romance didn't need to be included but it added an element of cute to the cosy and I thoroughly appreciated it -even if it was a bit sad!

There is necromancy involved and I adored how this came about through Satchel. He became a thoroughly loveable character with a seemingly interesting history and I think I wanted a bit more about his past. He is clearly a reader!

Bookshops and Bonedust is a magical, bookish world in itself with some unforgettable characters. There is also humour, beautiful friendships and plenty of cuteness to get lost in, as well as some smatterings of darkness (what would you expect when a bored orc is the protagonist?). Anyone who loves books and the culture of sharing them will love it!

Bookshops and Bonedust by Travis Baldree will be published by Tor, an imprint of Pan Macmillan, on 9th November 2023.

#bookshops and bonedust #travis baldree #cosy fantasy #fantasy #book review #review #books #bookworm

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hellcatinnc · 2 months

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Sympathy Kiss Review

Spoilers Included...

So all in all this is one of my favorite otome games now right up there with Code Realize, Amnesia, and Piofiore. I love the age ranges are all the way from 19 to 45 thats a big difference but each character brings a different feel to it. Also the music and art work is great too. There is a guy for everyone in this game and its funny but I never played them in order yet nothing was spoiled so honestly I will say its a soft follow route nothing more. I played Nori, Saotome, Kobase, Usui, Yoffy, Rokuro, Higa, Minato. All the guys are so mixed like there is no straight tsundere or kuudere or just dominant men each of these guys have a little bit of it all in them. Also the fact its the first otome game that has had kids in it and single fathers I was floored. We need more of those men too. Know there isn't anything explicit but you will see them in the bed with the idea you know sex was involved some talk but nothing over the top definitely more mature than alot out there. Below is my guys I love in order from the one I love to the worst.

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Rokuro Yoshioka

This man from the beginning did peak my interest because he looked like the prince charming type and I'm not normally into blonde haired guys but figured what the hell. He was one of my last 3 to play but oh my god the best one of them all for me. So anyone who knows me knows I don't always like the good guy but the guy who will find a person worth fighting for and he will love her so much he would burn the world for her at any cost whether good or bad. Well this guy is that guy, you would never guess it when you first meet him and honestly as the first part of the story you would still question what I'm saying is true. He is a gentleman from the start opens doors for a woman, kisses hands, and honors a woman's space to not push himself on them. Like one point in the very beginning he offers you a ride home and he has to help you with the seat belt he doesn't jsut do what most men would do and reach across you but he asks you if its ok if he touches you to fix it then when he does he is very delicate and not trying to reach or touch places to make you uncomfortable.

He shows interest in you and even tells you some reason he is pulled to you and wants to get to know you better. He is very upfront and asks you out and its sweet at first until half the time you hear him talk about the love of his life being his childhood sweetheart. He tells you the story how he met her when he was staying with his uncle, he was alone and this little girl comes up and comforts him. They play together every day after she calls him her prince and her his princess. She teaches him at the age of 9 that even princes cry too. When the summer ended he had to go back home but made a sweet promise to the little girl that he would find her again one day, however he had searched and searched and never could find her. Granted the only thing I felt was weird here was either he never heard the MC's first name or he never knew her last one or it should have been easy with someone with money to find anyone.

However skipping past that he is so sweet and endearing about it all and says she changed his whole life and he wanted to be a prince because of her. It was funny because in the prologue as the mc you mention how he looks like a prince. Anyways he tells you as he goes along going on dates with you tells you he likes you alot, even on his side he talks about how much he really likes you and is starting to fall. One night your out walking and he is talking bout his first love and a park near by so you walk there together. Soon as you walk in the park you remember a little boy you used to play with and tell him about the memories you have and when you face him his eyes look like they are going to cry. He tells you he is that little boy and you both realize you were both each others first love. It is such a sweet lost love story and you think now they will be happy but oh no it is not that simple at all.

He battles his birth right of being rich and the son of a big business owner who had already arranged a marriage for him. You deal with the drama of that girl trying to destroy you the more he fights against them the worse it comes on you. He asks you to wait and trust him behind the scenes he is trying to get his father and the girls family to understand at any cost. They even go as far as locking him in his house and taking his phone so he can't reach you. Your whole team at your office is supporting your relationship they do everything they can to get ya'll together with all thats going on around you. Saotome us hilarious when he knocks little miss bitch fiancé down and tells her he don't give a shit who she is fiancé too he wasn't talking to anyone but Roku. No matter what he goes out of his way to reach out to you and constantly let you know your the only one for him and he refuses to ever be with anyone else.

Its funny the more you get to know him you realize there is a good chance this man fell for you as a kid and never moved past that. I say that because he says to stop girls from hitting on him and him having to date people when they heard he was in an arranged marriage he let it go so he didn't have to worry even though he didn't want that girl either. He has been waiting his whole life to give you his everything and obviously even his v-card. That being said the constant feel of butterflies even as a person playing this game I could feel them the way he was so dedicated to his lover. Even with time apart he always wanted you he always comes back to you. He was willing to be disowned if need be if it meant he could be with you. He is a gentleman up to a end. He is the guy though that will grab you and confess his love and kiss you with the most passion you will ever know. He is the guy that when he makes love to you that you will feel every emotion at the extreme level he does, and when he kisses you he will take your breath away.

He is a mixture of a modern day romance with a fairy tale one that meets lost love. Honestly I loved every minute of it well when bitch face fiancé wont in it that is. She is that girl you want to beat the shit out of. That being said he constantly tells her he don't want her she is just deaf. The way the endings are seem close because one he goes to America but brings you with him, or he stays and works at a job hours away but still wants to talk and see you as much as possible then after 2 years he comes home to you for good then the last best ending he takes you to that original playground he met you on gets down on one day and asks you to be his princess forever then tells you he loves you and asks you to marry him. The one adult scene with him you get is so passionate and sweet that its not all about the act but the intimacy and the love that goes into it. I don't know to not feel so engulfed in this story I hated to see it end.

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Yoji Kobase

Ok this man is everything I could have asked for in this game. He is daddy like can be strict and stern yet also sweet and gentle. Then that passionate side is there and he would just as soon tear you clothes off than to do without your touch. His story is sad but also sweet. Watching him fall in love was a treat and falling for him was even better. I had seen him on the other routes I had done and saw right off the bat he wasn't some hard ass tsundere that you had to pick apart to get him to show his emotions he actually was a caring man inside work he was strict so people were more scared of him. I never saw one thing scary though like he was not one of my guys I cared about going into it but after seeing him on other routes I looked forward to doing his route. Then getting the chance to and I swear even down to this mans moans, sighs, and breathes he takes in his kisses will drive you crazy if you have a headset on.

Not only that but this mans steaminess starts early and really never stops he is insatiable he just can't get enough. I swear the way he says I love you akari makes me want to change my name to akari cause fuck the way he says will make you melt. Parts of his story had me in tears closer to the end and other times smiling from ear to ear. His blushes drive me nuts like I swear I thought the other guys blushing was hot but I think its because he is this strong man, dominant then when you compliment him or put him in predicaments he isn't in control and he becomes a blushing mess. I say he is a daddy type but the more caring and gentle daddy dom if anything however I never knew one that got embarrassed before. To me he is like dominant, geeky guy, daddy, sexy all wrapped into one man. His was the fastest route which is weird because I swear it felt like the longest because the story was so engaging I could not stop playing it.

This story felt like the most real yet also more romantic comedy as well. I say this cause I know I have watched movies with office romances, they get stuck in the elevator together, they almost drop a box and need help from behind, they need to move in together because apartment is being fixed, Walking in with her in a towel, I mean the list goes on these are just some of the things that happens in his one route but yet it blends so well together it doesn't feel forced and I love that. I really felt like I was part of his story and that my own choices made a difference. I did it blind at first and answered how I would and it went towards the love route. Now going back through to cover all routes for the CG the love ending is sweet and sexy I mean like really fucking hot. The best ending he plans to propose but because it never got to that and you never saw it I swear there needs to be a fan disc I need to see this man down on one knee.

I love his loyalty to the people he loves as well like he would take a bullet for someone or in this case go under for a hit and run he didn't do. If I had to compare him to another game character that I have played honestly he does have alot of Dante Falzone's qualities as far as dominant, loyal, family is everything, blushes when things are out of his control or is complimented alot, he thinks lower of himself but wants to help others he loves, he is ahead of a company where Dante is head of the mafia both having a big title, they both propose in the main route and both not taking their job lightly. I think he is alot more sexual than Dante however based on times as well Dante is more of a gentleman so guess if I had to say Dante and Gilbert together would make more sense to be his personality in some ways that is.

Oh my god his pin stripe suit let me touch upon that please. So I have a thing about men in trench coats, fedora's and pinstripe outfits and this man wears a suit so well and sexy in it. They show him a few times in other clothing which I mean he looks good in anything but the suit..... damn damn damn this man is smoking hot to me. I didn't even care if he was my 3rd route I needed me some Yoji and now I can go to bed satisfied for the night I finished his route. His CG pictures annoy me a bit because I feel like the person who drew the game wasn't the ones that did his CG pictures. I say that because if you take Nori he is hot in his CG pics but also out where I feel like some of Yoji's pictures didn't give you have the sex appeal you could have gotten. Either way this is my boy sweet, sexy, and down right passionate as hell.

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Nori Tainaka

So first off besides him looking hot I wasn't sure how I would like him cause his voice wasn't as deep as I like in most of the voice actors I follow as well as the moment I realized he was like a lost puppy needing a home I almost quit. The only reason is cause Variable Barricade put a nasty flavor in my mouth about the puppy type guy with Nayato who never really grew on me and annoyed me all the time. However here is the different Nayato was like a puppy hyperactive that needed overly amount of attention and would scratch your leg when you walked through the door every day. He was your good/bad dog however Nori is that sweet lab like puppy you bring in that just wants to be snuggled and loved. He wants to protect you and be needed and wanted by you. I felt like if you have played Variable Barricade take Shion and Nayato and put them together because the easiness of this guy and how he treats you after a long day of work reminded me more of Shion. He will make you breakfast, pour your bath, take care of you when your sick, dries you off and snuggles you when you get rained on, even gives you a bubble bath him washing your hair and so on.

To me he is such a cinnamon roll I can't imagine anyone hating this man. Like in the beginning he tries to come off manipulative just to get you to let him stay with you by telling you has amnesia and such, but trust me you and the mc see through that a mile away and still trust to just have him there because he needs it. As time goes on its not just him that needed that comfort but you find you need it too. I love he gets blushy when you give him compliments and I mean you only can make him blush and he is adorable when he does. I will say that you do find out he was not only a lost puppy when you found him but an abused one at that. In time he eventually apologizes for lying to you and lets you into his past. I love that at one point you have a fight with him and he leaves and Kobase takes him in like a big brother until he can get you two to talk. I never saw that coming from Kobase when you first meet him but it was sweet.

So I guess it fits still for me he is another sad boy and thats where I seem to flock first never fails. You can have alot of fun with him though he likes to have game night and he is pretty competitive. Also don't think he is always your good boy puppy because he has a mischievous side to him only you bring out. Oh and damn when he is turned on or wants to turn you on his voice gets deeper which sounds hot as hell then. This character to me wasn't just a puppy not that one thing I loved that he had a dream as a chef and only you make him feel valued enough to do it again. That being said if you go to the love route he wants you to go with him, move with him so he can open a restaurant with you by his side. The work route he still goes to a restaurant to work but you are in a long distance relationship however he refuses to give you up. Then I need to make it clear there is a third way which is supposed to be the best ending which I disliked because he goes out on his own leaving your place to get his own life even though he wants to be with you in the future just not right now how in the world is this the best ending I will gladly take the love ending.

He is the first love interest I have ever came across though that randomly starts talking about wanting kids one day and not just kids in general but he includes you in that dream. You two haven't even talked about what you are to each other or said I love you and he already had his sights on making you his wife one day. Granted this was technically months together by then but he knew what he wanted. He doesn't yell and he is definitely more submissive than confrontational however I think in the bedroom he would be anything a woman wants anything to make his woman happy. He is the first to tell you he loves you however I think you can see where he went from just an obedient dog to where he started actually caring for you and it was beautiful to see. I think that he doesn't get the recognition he deserves because he really is a good love interest in my book. He was my first play through that I did blindly and ended up with him but I'm glad I did also I never saw any reason not to play him first some say spoilers but most his story 99% is just about him.

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Mitsuki Saotome

So this guy first look I found him very attractive and looked forward to starting his route. However after doing the prologue I felt he came off more annoying than I hoped. As I dug in deep to his route I still found a lot I was hoping to have in him as a partner that I felt lacked. I found myself drawn to his friend Esaka more than him. His route was predictable like I knew the person talking shit was Esaka before he even knew yet it was almost like common sense then I felt they both lacked the common sense between him and the MC. I kept pushing through though to see if it got better. I will say even though I liked Esaka to the very end and still want to see him as a love interest, eventually Saotome got better for me. After he realized he had feelings for the mc was alot better. Before not only was he annoying but also kind of a jerk.

After he lets her in you get to see the adorable blushy boy that I love in him. He is too cute when he pouts and blushes, I really wish there had been more of them but it was decent. I just didn't like it took getting to the 3rd almost 4th episode before it really started to grab my attention with him. The love route was sweet and he wants to take you with him across the ocean for a job offer. Unlike Nori who was only going towns over Saotome wants you to uproot your life and country to leave with him. I'm not sure I liked the love ending much for that reason and the work ending was just you get a promotion to a different department yet yall still date and such. The best ending of this one was best for sure like it was super sweet. He takes you to meet his parents and talks about how he doesn't want to love anyone but you. He even turns down that job over seas because he feels whats right for him is to be loyal to his company and to you as his partner.

This showed the most mature side to him I think and that is what I was looking for. I played blind but had to use walk through to get this route cause I ended up with love route first. I will say though his passionate time with you his sighs, moans, and breaths are steamy he caught my attention fast. I mean it never fully goes into it but damn the noises is enough to make any woman to stop and listen. Definitely use a headset with his route so you can enjoy that part of his time. I really do like him I just felt like he was not the best in my book but I do still think people will enjoy him in the end. Just expect not being able to connect with him right away. If I had to compare him to someone it would probably be lover pretend Yukito Sena and Kazuma Kamikubo I say both because some of his cuteness and best friend feel is more like Kazuma but Yukito is a free spirit that doesn't care what people think as much so to me I feel like he is a mixture of the two and more towards Kazuma because of the blushy side to him but when he is naughty thats the Yukito type personality coming out.

How he was as a friend in other routes won me over alot more with him. Like in his route he was kind of a jerk in the beginning however in other routes as your friend he will do anything for you he thinks of you like family him and Kobase both are protective of you. This is what knocked him up higher on my list of love interests I like.

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Kohei Minato

This one was hard because to me Minato and Higa are tied for me because I love how both interact with children Minato with his siblings and Higa with his son. I will say Minato is sexy as hell and you see it in his route too however there is good and bad things for me with him. First sexy voice, check, naughty boy, check... His story is sad but also more bittersweet. You find he has been ripping off the company he works for as a spy for someone from his past because he has black mailed him into getting money to take care of his mother and brother and sister since his father walked out. Its respectable that he would do anything for the people he loves, it was what I love most about this character.

I feel like his route is just slow to get into it like there is 6 episode chapters yet doesn't really get in depth to the relationship til end of the 3rd one into the 4th. I feel like I just had a hard time really knowing him until farther in and when you do you find he is a flirt not just a kuudere here. Funny thing is I thought he was going to be a tsundere but I feel like definitely more of a kuudere attitude. He shows no emotion but once he does he shows it alot.

He is sweet how in best ending he tells you your his sunshine the light of his life and he loves your always and forever. This is one of the sweetest things and the grab kiss that he and you are in tears in. His route is up and down hot and cold and it gives me whiplash its worth playing just know his sex side and that one happy ending is his best quality.

His sex appeal is over the top he is the only one that tells you he will make you scream until you go hoarse then when he has done that to you he feeds you water by mouth. Like this is a hsdgkjvg moment for sure. Anyways he is seductive he will lick your finger when you prick it with blood, he is dominant and a dirty boy in it all. This is what got him so far up on my list it was a saving thing however I didn't care for some of his words. Like he doesn't talk about spoiling his woman but wants his woman to spoil him. When you try to pat his head or just be cute he takes it from 0-100 in seconds and ready to take it to having sex. Its the pushiness I don't care for at times. I mean if your going to be dominant be that all the time not sweet some moments, wishy washy in others then dominant and possessive in anther way. He also has huge jealousy issues possessive is hot but he doesn't even want you to go anywhere even around guys that he isn't involved in.

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Secret Route #2 Tsukihiko Higa

Ok I wasn't sure what to think of this dude because you barely see him in other routes but not even 10 minutes in you find out he is a single father and widower and my heart strings were instantly pulled. Anyways you see how it unfolds of growing close to his son who is 5 years old that you stand up for on the playground. That starts the constant meetups with his son and play dates then Higa starts falling for you cause yall are doing things that families do. Its so sweet that he keeps his wife's picture on a dresser so his son Hinato can talk to his mom any time he wants to. I really was hoping so much for this story because how often do you get a older man and a man who is a single father in otome games I loved the idea and hope to see this again.

However even with this I felt like if it had just been about him and his son and you work together would have been great but then they make him a past idol. He supposedly was this big singer who just stopped and quit one day got married and had a kid and now one of his fans is stalking him and cussing him out for ruining everything with him leaving and she even blurts out in front of his son he should have never been born. It was harsh but Higa is a good daddy he was right there for his son and not one time did I feel like he wasn't a good father. I feel like he got the shit end of the deal as a character though I mean shit ever other man gets lucky in the bedroom most you get with Higa is on the love route. He tells you when he gets home one night with his arms around you while you cook and says you should get married soon before you bring a fourth member into the house and has a mischievous look so you know he wants to make babies then they ruin it Hinato runs in yells the food is burning.

Thats it total cock block and you never get to see more than him kiss her a few times. I feel like only reason he couldn't be higher on my list is because they made his story short, they didn't put alot of effort into the work route, the best end was ok but I felt the love route was best. Dude should have gotten laid though come on he loses his wife, works his ass off for his son, has to deal with a stalker fan from the past, has to look for his son trying to run away due to that bitch and yet he can't get laid shame on them. I might just have to put something together so this man has some happy ending in intimacy I mean he strikes me as a snuggler. Anyways he grows on you fast if you have a sweet spot for single fathers. Just hope if there is a fan video they give him more and better continuance like I want to see making babies with him in the fan disc if there ever is one.

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Secret Route #1 - Yofy

So I thought he was cute the first time I saw a picture of him however I had just played Mineo's route in Collar x Malice and the voice actor is the same and normally he is yelling in CxM so wasn't sure if I could deal with it but as Yofy he is not like that at all. He is a shy gaming guy who is a programmer. However once he likes you this boy is yandere through and through. I normally hate yandere and I'm still not gonna say its my cup a tea but to see the shy gamer boy turn into a very dominant man in some sexy art FFS it made it hard to think straight. Romance wise I love the possessiveness but this man drugs you, stalks you and scares you, bites you, forces you to kiss him, and accuses you of lying. Like that would be so hard to forgive I see so many think he is most peoples favorite I just can't.

He is adorable and sweet and he made me smile so much until he started doing the shit he did. Like to me it was plain creepy in some points but you can tell he has some mental issue setbacks from his childhood. Its almost like you date him he feels like there is no room for anyone else in your life. He is that toxic boyfriend you would have. The scene where he grabs you and kisses you and he bites you after you bite him bloody kiss some reason is fucking hot. Then his dominance comes in when you tell him you love him and want to be with him. He is 19 and you can tell it his mindset is not that of an adult or a person in their mid 20s on out. He has alot of growing up to do.

He does try to do better in the best ending he really does try actually all the routes if you love him he will try to be better for you. However I don't know sometimes he reminds me of Toma in amnesia talking about locking you away however Toma was to protect you Yofy id to keep others from wanting you. Possessiveness in a man is hot but I feel like only in his sexual side of him is it hot because when he is just running around being a blushy guy he just comes off as a creepy stalker. Only reason it is over Shuya Usui for me is because least he wants to be with you and there is a instant chemistry and he didn't care about age unlike Usui did even though you still have age on Yofy too. Overall on like a scale of 1-10 I would say Yofy is a 6 for me. Definitely better guys and I'm still irritated he was a route but Esaka isn't.

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Shuya Usui

I played several routes before not being able to wait anymore and jumped into playing his route. He seemed so gentle and caring even in one route he brings you in after someone tries to attack you and a few other routes he cares for you so its not hard to see how he would be an amazing partner and lover. That is until you actually play his route. He was much older than the rest at age 45 now me being a older woman never saw a issue and even though they were 20 years apart they were both adults and you can't help who you love however thats not how he saw it. As soon as he realized you were even the bit interested in him he starts comparing you to reminding him of his sister and then later says that he is more like your dad. He continues to treat you like your a child and family pushing your heart and needs away. In his side of things you see he wants you and loves you but refuses to let down the fact he is much older than you and you deserve better.

His story is so angsty no matter how many times you try to get through to him he finds ways to not be interested or act like it or even cold at times. He saves your life in the alley because a drunk guy tries to touch you he becomes your prince charming and its not hard to start falling for him then and you see why your character did and the rest of his route is about him healing from where he got injured in his wrist when it happened. You help him at the bar as well as come to help him even clean his own house. Finally you have a point when you make a move on him in his own apartment and even though deep down he wants you he acts like he doesn't yet lets you kiss on him and all anyways. Then tells you for this one night he will do anything you want and thats it. It was sad because earlier in the night you had ate dinner together and even helped him wash his hair in a steamy bathroom scene. Here he was telling you in a cold detached voice he will do anything you want but never again.

This burned my ass it was even worse the next day after all it happened and you were naked in his bed he tells you to forget it every happened. He spent his time making you feel like you took advantage of him, like you forced yourself on him, and that he only gave in because you wouldn't stop he even admits he did that to you on his thoughts, thats pretty fucked if you ask me. It was bad enough that it took almost the last chapter for you to get love in this I mean you get one date and he never sleeps with her again or they sure don't mention it if so. The episodes were the shortest most took me about 8 hours to finish this one in all endings only 4. The best ending sucks because you break apart he goes one way business in his life and you go another then 4 years later you decide to be with each other and you go to him. Then the work ending is worth cause you break up never to see each other again. The love ending at least he chooses to stay there with you instead of taking over his family's inn and you leave your job to be with him working the bar. It was by far the sweetest.

You get moments where he will blush from time to time yet weirdly enough he doesn't fit the part like I don't know he seems overly mature to be a blusher. His love for cats is cute and he even jokes about petting her as his kitten which could have at least been a interesting way to go. You hear his sad story of losing his sister and his dad on deaths door. I don't know there is just too much angst that when you finally get a happy ending it doesn't feel like one. You feel empty and loss of connection because you have seen all your character has gone through, how many times he pushed her away, was cold to her, and acted like she was a child. I mean even when he sleeps with her he was detached and cold she even says it in the dialogue, for someone who loved her and wanted to be with her like that like he says later its funny after the way he was not even really there in the midst of one of the most intimate things. I just can't with this guy. As far as comparison I don't even know if I have met any character that irritated me this much so I can't say.

#sympathy kiss #otome #gaming #Shuya Usui #Tsukihiko Higa #Yofy #Kohei Minato #Mitsuki Saotome #Nori Tainaka #Yoji Kobase #Rokuro Yoshioka #reviews #review

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notebook91286 · 10 months

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Under Skin by KillerQueen86

Author's Notes: With the rewatch I got the to write about these two again and that led to this little thing (I already have more in the works), it's just a little thing that popped into my head and I had to write it because it tormented me.

Story to be placed after episode 2x09 Queen of Heart.

English is not my language, so sorry if there are any translation errors.

I hope you like it, I look forward to your reviews.

Disclaimer: OUAT and all of its characters are not owned by me (otherwise it would have been an HBO product), all rights belong to their rightful owners, mine is just for fun.

They had eaten their fill, Granny had brought out her lasagna, Emma had really enjoyed it, and she had missed all of that, she had missed her little boy who after eating two portions of lasagna had collapsed in her arms, David arrived to rescue of her and had taken Henry in his arms, so they decided to go home, MaryMargaret had agreed with Ruby and Granny for the following evening and celebrate properly.

She really didn't care, she had silently followed Mary Margaret next to David holding Henry, could she really get used to all of that? She'd only stayed in Storybrooke for Henry, her didn't care about anyone else, or so she believed, spending time with her mother (yes, she still had to get used to all of that) had helped her deal with the burden that had accompanied her whole life: the abandonment of his parents.

The four reached the loft, apparently David had settled there with Henry after their disappearance, the man himself without saying anything took the boy upstairs, what had been Emma's room, perhaps now her had to consider the chance to find a home of his own. Henry needed his own space, and David and Mary Margaret needed their own space and time to recover, but that her could deal with later.

“I think I will collapse as soon as I touch my comfortable bed” the brunette said catching her attention, the two looked at each other and smiled, she too had definitely missed her bed and the comforts of Storybrooke.

"I'll give myself a quick wash so I'll leave the bathroom all for you" she said disappearing where the bathroom was, at the same time David went down the stairs, smiled at her and felt a little uncomfortable, they hadn't spent much time together, or for at least since he had gotten back his memories and the knowledge that she was his daughter.

“So how did you fare in our old world,” he said quietly leaning against the kitchen counter in front of her, giving her the peninsula space where she chooses to sit, secretly appreciating that David kept some form of distance.

“Terrifying” she admitted with a small smile, she saw him smile in amusement, her watch him carefully as he told her some old world stuff, and she realized how different he was from David Nolan, James or Charming as his mother liked to call him, he was a self-confident man, a leader.

Keep reading: A03 (eng)

EFP (ita)

#once upon a time #ouat #ouat a03 #captain swan #cs fanfiction #cs fanfic #cs ao3

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ceciffeinated · 2 years

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non-stop. | ꒰ daisuke kambe ╲ short story ꒱

⪩ ☁︎．pairing: daisuke × cherloque (oc). ⪩ ☁︎．scenario: in the dead of the night in 221b baker street, london; in their shared apartment for eight months, give or take. ⪩ ☁︎．warning: none; completely sfw; heavy, heavy fluff. ⪩ ☁︎．note (i): if you sensed any hamilton references, you could tell where i have been; this had been in my drafts for literally three days then episode four dropped-

⠀⠀her is a host unto herself. as long as she can hold a case file, and a pen and paper, she's a damn threat.

⠀⠀to herself.

⠀⠀she works non-stop; writing day and night, studying day and night, going after the villains day and night with every opportunity she saw. however, even if she's not neck deep in her investigatory works, she'll pop by in charities and social events not (just) to boost her popularity, but also to boost her presence among the citizens of england or of britain, in general.

⠀⠀her strenuous work ethics was the one that brought her to her knees and humble herself to follow the doctor's orders: to rest regularly, to eat regularly, to relax more than usual, to work less than usual — basic simple self-care that she seldom does to her own self.

⠀⠀daisuke noticed that already.

⠀⠀and it's getting on his nerves. strangely.

⠀⠀he has been with haru kato for more than two years, and yet, he was only being nerved by a petite englishwoman who took up a lot after her own father.

⠀⠀he knew it ran in the blood — the frigid blood of a holmes kin that knew no boundaries in the profession of consultant detective.

⠀⠀it seemed so foreign to him still - the duality of cherloque amelie soleil holmes.

⠀⠀at one profile, she seemed to show the facade of a flirty and flighty adler - charming robin who knew how to spread her wings and fly in the skies filled with attractive parasites and pests of the british society. she just had a way with words that could be wither seductive, persuasive, and alluring. she also seemed to have an upper hand in every conversation where she's included. she leaves no stray comment and always made sure her words are pointed and sharp in any educated topic. a true mark as the daughter of a dominatrix.

⠀⠀on the other profile... she's just as controlled, restrained, and unexpressive as a holmes. this kind of a cher conveyed the most inhumane face of all, most especially when a case keeps on pulling her to be involved. there's not time for rest, eating, or leisure. most of her time were always spent sitting on the chair, in front of her father's worn desk; flipping the pages of multiple case files; reviewing similar scenarios that and differentiating multiple changes that could have affected the current motion of the recent crime. she seeked no comfort nor encouragement but only immense silence and centered focus on the task at hand. a true symbol as the kin of a renowned criminologist.

⠀⠀her duality - despite their fellowship for the past eight months - still fazed daisuke. but he never had the heart to voice it out. he's never the type to express himself in a way that could make people think he's an inferior to a certain woman's little world.

⠀⠀a world that seemed to be non-stop.

⠀⠀it was in the middle of a dead night, but the two individuals in 221b baker street were still awake - the other one was diligently working in the living room/study, the other one was looking from the doorframe of the guest bedroom. neither one could sleep not could approach each other.

⠀⠀the former was untoucable; the latter was hesitating for once in his life.

⠀⠀suddenly... there was a vibration in his pajama pocket. daisuke quickly shuffled his back and retrieved his phone, seeing it's a call from mourgane, cher's cousin and the current president of england's top most security association for criminologists.

⠀⠀❛ good evening, ❜ daisuke greeted. ❛ is there something the matter? ❜

⠀⠀❛ an associate passed by the apartment an hour ago, and when he passed by it again three minutes earlier, he informed me that the lights seemed not to go out. may i boldly assume that cher is still awake? ❜

⠀⠀❛ yes. ❜ daisuke couldn't tell a lie. it was the truth, after all. was there something he missed with the habit?

⠀⠀mourgane sighed on the other line. it was a heavy, distressed one as if she was asking if the toddler was being naughty and she was. mourgane said, ❛ please tell her to go to bed right this instant. i could tell this had been going for a few days behind your back. ❜

⠀⠀daisuke remained quiet. now that the cousin gave him direct orders, it seemed he really needed to step up and bring it upon himself to put cher to bed.

⠀⠀❛ is it really my responsibility? ❜ but, of course, he's not just gonna do that directly. after all, it's her own life, not his.

⠀⠀❛ your partner is your responsibility, mr kambe, ❜ mourgane retaliated coolly. ❛ cher, no matter was trait she's possessing at the very moment, is at your disposal. whatever reason we may have, you have the ball in your court and cher, per our agreement for the sake of the japanese partnership and personal relationship gain, have no choice but to follow you. ❜ she exhaled as if she was proud of her declaration. ❛ are we clear on that? ❜

⠀⠀ ❛ ... ❜

⠀⠀❛ mr kambe. ❜

⠀⠀❛ yes. ❜

⠀⠀mourgane chuckled. she added, ❛ you don't need to be afraid of cher. she may be flighty and feisty ... easily aggravated ... and snappy. but, at some point, she actually needed someone to remind her that she's not inhumane. i am relying on you. ❜ there was a distant knocking heard on the other line. ❛ i have a late night visitor and i will leave my cousin in your capable hands. ❜

⠀⠀daisuke nodded slowly. like before he said, "yes."

⠀⠀❛ a little note of warning, ❜ mourgane piped up. "do not give her narcotics. you will pay with your life if you do."

⠀⠀the line went dead.

⠀⠀and daisuke could still hear the prominent flipping of pages.

⠀⠀he cannot believe he was thrusted in this situation. but his actions seemed to have their own consequences and he needed suffer for them.

⠀⠀he padded out of the guest bedroom and went in the living room vicinity where cher was working diligently as ever.

⠀⠀❛ cher, ❜ daisuke said. ❛ go back to bed. ❜

⠀⠀cher seemed to turn the other cheek, pretending not to hear him. her fingers... they were holding the pen as if her life depended on it. she kept on writing, scribbling, scrawling, jotting down whatever thoughts that raced down in her mind - mostly messy scenarios that were squelching inside her overworked brain.

⠀⠀she's writing non-stop. she's reading non-stop. she's working non-stop.

⠀⠀"cherloque." daisuke tried again. "i said go back-"

⠀⠀"i heard what you said and i don't want to," cher suddenly snapped, blowing him off in the same language (with slight informality).

⠀⠀daisuke began to wonder how the hell jordan was able to put up with this act with almost every night of her life in 221b baker street.

⠀⠀'but direct orders from miss holmes mourgane cannot be winged,' daisuke thought, reaffirming himself.

⠀⠀daisuke, decidedly, took 10 paces forward and stood beside cher's chair. he clasped one hand on her shoulder and, once again, addressed her, saying (with his learned english accent), ❛ love. ❜

⠀⠀it was as if by magic cher suddenly stopped writing, her hand frozen suddenly into place, her body stiffening.

⠀⠀daisuke leaned down to her body's height and whispered, "go back to bed. now."

⠀⠀cher didn't say anything. but she did shook her head slowly in response.

⠀⠀'it's either i'm responsible for you or your cousin and my department will responsible for my execution,' daisuke thought, slightly irritated. 'i value my life.'

⠀⠀❛ you're coming to bed right now. ❜

⠀⠀daisuke looped one arm below her knees, the other supporting her back; carrying her in a bridal style. cher exclaimed, dropping her pen on the desk. cher was suprised she's suddenly lifted like that without any warning. her face suddenly blossomed a full shade of pink as her arms instinctively wounded themselves around daisuke's neck. her hair flounced up, but because she put it in a really, really, really loose ponytail, it suddenly let loose by itself and her hair brown hair cascaded down.

⠀⠀❛ w-wait! daisuke! ❜

⠀⠀❛ no. direct orders from your cousin. ❜

⠀⠀❛ she can't tell you what to do! ❜

⠀⠀❛ well, she reminded me you are at my disposal. ❜ daisuke looked at her directly with firmness in his gaze, as if scrutinizing her. ❛ love. ❜

⠀⠀cher hunched her shoulders as she crossed her arms, slightly pouting. a total childish move that opposed her holmes ethics.

⠀⠀she suddenly turned kind of cute.

⠀⠀❛ daisuke... ❜

⠀⠀was she actually whining? he couldn't be sure.

⠀⠀❛ my room is in the other way. ❜

⠀⠀her complaint was turned away, just like how she turned her other cheek earlier, because he entered in the guest bedroom where he was residing. without sharing another word, he plopped cher down in the middle of the bed and immediately tucked her in. he didn't give her any chance to speak her mind.

⠀⠀the night continued on and in the wee morning... someone entered the apartment.

⠀⠀❛ there. ❜ after tucking her in, daisuke followed suit, lying down next to her but not close enough for skin contact. ❛ now sleep. ❜

⠀⠀it was erebos. he turned to the direction of cher's bedroom. it was vacant.

⠀⠀he took the other way and entered the japanese police's room.

⠀⠀and there he was - spooning the spent englishwoman in his arms. it was as if he was keeping her warm as possible or keeping her in her damn place, knowing how the night went.

⠀⠀❛ i'll be out here, ❜ erebos whispered and exited, making himself feel at home in the living room. "goddamn it, haru, you're right. but we're dealing with idiots in denial, not with detectives in love."

⪩ ☁︎．note (ii): republished for archiving purposes; heavy wip; under semi-hiatus.

#fkbu #fugou keiji balance unlimited #daisuke kambe #daisuke kambe x oc #daisuke kambe x reader #daisuke kanbe #daisuke kanbe x oc #daisuke kanbe x reader #daisuke x reader

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