Hi, I need some help if anyone has advice or something. Or even just a “that’s rough buddy”

Last night I had one of the worst breakdowns I’ve had in a long time bc I saw a commission of my abuser with stsc. She commissions artists just about every single day of herself with TF characters, so I always avoid the tumblr search tags. Even non-TF artists I feel wary of bc it doesn’t matter, if you’re an artist and your comms are open, she will buy from you and it’s always her self insert/OC. I never look up self shipping or transformers or anything like that in the tumblr search. I never interact with anything she’s a part of. But this time I was simply searching up something entirely unrelated in a browser, and she just - she showed up. She fucking showed up! All of this time I take to be so careful, to limit my tumblr experience drastically just to protect myself, and yet I still see her. I cannot believe how easy it is to find my abuser floating around online because she commissions people every single day. I wasn’t even on tumblr and I still managed to see her. It was just… Google images. No keywords that could have possibly led to me seeing that, but she showed up as one of the first results in the images and I just. had the worst reaction ever. Understandably

It was her pink OC, and very long story I won’t bother you with, my abuser’s pink OC is the reason why the color pink became a cptsd trigger for me in 2022, and I was really struggling with that shit when it was fresh. Obviously I got better with it because uh, I’m a Barbie blog now, but I still have my bad days with it and I’ve never been fully okay with pink. I never feel fully “safe” around it. Which sucks. But I was at the point where I could tolerate it. Well, until now 😭 ugh

Seeing my abuser was already a big shock, obviously horrible. Seeing my abuser be lovey and soft with stsc was also really horrible. But seeing the pink and immediately my brain saying “oh look it’s pink, that’s dangerous, but maybe it’s Barbie pi— ohhh nooo, that’s your abuser, she’s right there!!! That’s her!!! In the pink!!! I told you pink was a trigger!!! You’re in danger now you’re gonna die!!!” makes me feel like I’ve gone backwards in my healing process and I’m afraid that’s irreversible. I know healing isn’t linear and I know setbacks are normal, but this feels different. It was Barbie pink, like the hot magenta color you see on the album cover? I feel sick typing this jfc. My abuser is now associated with Barbie pink in my brain. I don’t know how to fix this. It used to be more of a milky pink that would bother me bc THAT is what her OC color used to be, but now apparently she’s? Barbie pink???? And a paranoid part of me believes she might have changed it on purpose just to fuck with me because she knows I see her commissions everywhere I go, because one of our last conversations we ever had was her saying she was fully aware how much her own s/i was a trigger for me. This is so much worse bc now every time I see Barbie Pink I’m not gonna think of Barbie! I’m thinking of the person who nearly fucking killed me multiple times!

I was doing soo much better with my pink trigger. I associated pink with how safe and loved Barbie and Ken make me feel. The hot magenta Barbie Pink made me feel the safest because that’s LITERALLY Barbie pink. I would still get tense seeing it but then I’d immediately say to myself “that’s Barbie pink. That’s Barbies color. Barbie would never let my abuser come near me, because she’s a girls girl, and she’s smart, she would not allow herself to be manipulated, she’d keep me safe” etc etc. and I would almost immediately be totally fine with looking at the color, my tense feeling would melt away most of the time. i was doing so much better but now it’s like this is ruining all of my progress. My abuser’s main color now is Barbie pink and I feel really sick.

I’m extremely shaken up over not just seeing my abuser again, in a commission no less (which she’d often use against me, so seeing TF commissions of any sort give me bad reactions, hence why I don’t even look at TF fanart whatsoever even if I wasn’t triggered by the actual franchise) but also seeing the very Thing that turned pink into a trigger in the first place. I feel very hopeless bc I miss stsc but seeing him be romantic in a commission with my abuser, on top of the trauma associated with him just in general because of said abuser, makes me feel so impossible to reach him. So not only do I feel hopeless and miss my starlight so fucking badly, as I do everyday, but now I feel worse with the color pink. I don’t want this to ruin Barbie for me. I don’t want to be scared of the very thing that was helping me heal this far.

I don’t know how to fix this. I’m hoping I will eventually bounce back from this major trigger of seeing my abuser AND tf together, like this was a triple hit on me, had three major triggers in one image — I’m just hoping I’ll… move on?? And then maybe pink will go back to being tolerable again? But I’m scared it won’t. I’m scared I really cannot heal no matter what I try to do

Anyway idk what kind of advice I’m even asking for, maybe reassurance that it’s gonna be ok. Or something 😔 literally anything helps I don’t care WHAT it is, if anyone can spare something nice in my inbox or the replies, I will super appreciate it

this isn't related to romani people so hopefully it doesn't seem like i'm derailing (though i believe the same issue i'm about to discuss also applies to romani people in the thai language as well), but the post from earlier has reminded me of one thing which is the fact the common term for the inuit people in thai is the one which is a slur. this is a fact which has always stood out to me ever since i was younger; the english-thai google translation uses the same term for the thai translation, and even the scarce amount of sources which do use (a transliterated version of) the term "inuit" also tend to be like "the inuit people, also known as the [slur] people". the middle-school (primary-school? i don't remember if they also teach about the inuit people in primary school) thai curriculum itself even uses the slur last time i checked i believe

now afaik i don't think this is active discrimination on our [thai people's] part (feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) since nearly all of our knowledge on the inuit people is second-hand and most people who have only heard about them in thai don't even know the proper term, but like i said earlier, it has always been something which bothers me. i think discrimination "trickles down" in academia even if the person who is doing the learning is completely unaware of the fact and genuinely doesn't know better, so even from the perspective of an outsider i also believe language matters because someone who has never heard of something before suddenly being introduced to it by a certain term will continue to perpetuate the usage of said term because it's the only one they know.

hopefully this doesn't seem insensitive or tone-deaf of me? i wasn't quite sure how to phrase it. i understand that as someone who is aware of the proper term, i should be informing people of it while also telling them why the common term is bad, but i guess i just wanted to bring up the fact this is a thing that also. like. happens

I think what you're saying makes sense, yeah. Like if the shitty, discriminatory term is the only one that's used and popularized...people will use it. It doesn't matter how 'innocuous' the usage is - in fact, the more 'acceptable' the usage is the less people are likely to question it, because it's like ah, this reputable institution is using it. This game is using it. This piece of media is using it. Surely that means it's the right one, because so many people are using it!

So it's this horrible trickle-down effect, like you said, and people perpetuate that discrimination without ever questioning it because of how normalized it is. Changing the language we use to refer to specific people is important for that reason as well.

“you all gave up everything because of me”

“we made the right choice, Omega”

New OCs

(briefly, humans and supernatural beings have to team up for building better relations with each other and all the supernaturals can shapeshift and take on human appearances but also have their 'original form'.)

OK so I was GOING to draw fanart today - I had a fun idea and everything! But health anxiety (and anti-anxiety meds) wore me out so I kinda .... slogged through OCs as a treat to me. I am going to go to the doctor tomorrow so HOPEFULLY it's all okay.

Got something good for you. 

two very different kinds of siblings

We should bring back that thing some websites used to do where whenever you made a post you could also list a bunch of random details alongside it, like the mood you’re currently feeling while writing the post, what you’re eating, music you’re currently listening to, what device you’re writing the post on, some random emoji, your personal motto at the moment, etc. It’s like additional character lore 

i would love to be doing something productive right now but instead i am thinking about mark winters reptile biology

I wish I had a mom

i’m starting to learn i may never be free but

i have never cared about spoilers so much in my entire life until watching rgu. usually im okay with spoilers. the temptation to look this show up on tumblr/google/youtube is keeling me tho. i will not even look at the comments on the OST (which... is so good btw... the music)

Jurassic Bark ship where they’re all biological beings or whatever like. Roxy is a grey wolf, her fur coat is pretty thick. Yeah, it sheds for the summer but it’s still thick.

What I’m saying here is, Monty and Chica cuddling her at the same time and she’s just there literally melting because it’s the height of summer and she might actually be on fire. Will she move though? No. Absolutely not. Cuddles are more important than her bones melting into liquid.

why is. there so much blood.

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nearly broke down when I remembered I had these wips and couldn't find them amongst my many other wips. thought i lost them when my hard drive wiped itself cleaned :'D