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misano17 · 1 year

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I’ve had this idea rattling around my head for a bit:

poly Eden little mermaid au.

Jun is the little mermaid.

(Long text post ahead)

Hiyori is his bestie and potential future boyfriend lmao. He’s also one of the sea witches attendants, so ehe.

Ibara is also one of the sea witches attendants.

Nagisa is the sea witch.

There is no prince.

So Jun really doesn’t want to be a mermaid, mfer met some gamer guys by the shore one day and decided he fucking hated being a fish man. Ya know, ostracized for associating with humans, infatuated with humans culture in a society that shuns it and also eats humans, not fun for Jun.

His only real friend under the water is Hiyori. Sad for Jun tbh, really sucks buddy.

Anyways Nagisa is getting kind of jealous of this Sazanami guy that’s hanging around his Tomoe. + Hiyori hears Jun’s plight and recommends that Jun gets help from the sea witch.

This combination will not end well for Jun.

So Jun goes to sea(haha) the witch.

(Nagisa and Ibara discuss their little evil scheme beforehand, without Hiyori cuz lying and keeping stuff from your partners is really cool guys I swear.)

Nagisa hides his form from Jun during their deal cuz it factors into his evil little scheme.

Anyways the deal is that Jun must find his true love in three months and get them to kiss him before his time is up, or he will turn to sea foam. Not looking good for a guy that plays league. True love for a gamer, haha, very funny Nagisa. It would have been more merciful to just rip his pancreas out and turn it into mince meat.

(Also no mermaid form for him during this time, once he surfaces he will lose his tail and his ability to breath underwater)

Jun surfaces by the beach house his gamer friends have been chilling in and calls out to them. Natsume, Sora, and Makoto are pretty fucking psyched to be able to let Jun play on a home console now instead of a handheld. (RIP to the Xbox they managed to drag onto that beach with 18 extension cords and a small television, it fucking rained about five minutes after and that bitch got fried)

Also Jun has one of those Barbie movie necklaces, it has like three pearls on it. The pearls are each a different color, one’s white, one’s light green, and the other is magenta. HUH I WONDER WHAT THOSE COLORS MEAN. Jun just thinks it’s an ugly necklace <//3 but when he tries to take it off it feels like lightning is shooting through his extremities and his nerves are being put in a tub of boiling water, so he leaves it on. His gamer friends think it’s a countdown cuz like “Oh, three months”. Natsume thinks otherwise.

Natsume is so fucking smart. Love him for that.

Anyways Jun doesn’t really know how to look for his soulmate or whatever so he just doesn’t <//3 he legit goes “Well, living up here with my real friends for three months is better than living down there miserable for the next seventy years, so I’d rather die here with you guys.” And his friends are understandably sad about this but they accept his words.

Hiyori, who was listening from the little porch next to the beach house cuz ehe, this house is on the goddamn water front, gets real fucking pissed, cuz like “excuse me, real friends?” And “Wait, did Jun just say he is going to die? That is not the deal Nagisa and I agreed to give him, I will not stand for this.”

So he calls out to Jun when his gamer friends leave the house for the day (The house is like their queer little man cave and summer hangout spot but it’s got a kitchen and a few bedrooms so they let Jun crash there.)

As soon as he has Jun alone he is fucking pouncing.

Mfer gives himself legs and struts right up to Jun, who is just trying to enjoy a nice dinner of, whatever it is that Sora left for him. (Hiyori is a sea witches attendant so he has a bit of magic, just enough to change his own form)

Anyways they have a talk and Hiyori really doesn’t get anywhere but they do agree to keep hanging out for Jun’s last three months even though Hiyori is super pissed about it.

After they hang out and Hiyori tries human foods and decides he fucking hates them they share a tender moment and Jun comes to a few realizations about where his soulmate might be but decides not to voice it, Hiyori goes back to the sea.

Nagisa is in for the verbal berating of his life. Holy fucking shit.

After Hiyori’s trounces Nagisa’s evil plan in the market place of ideas (He convinces no one, least of all Nagisa to stop his plan and instead spurs Nagisa on to send Ibara to drive a wedge between Hiyori and Jun)

So, this does not go and Nagisa intended.

First of all Ibara’s meddling doesn’t work.

Hiyori and Jun end up kissing after Jun shows Hiyori around the human town and Jun jokes that this is like a date, and Hiyori decides now would be a great time to see how kissing another man feels when there isn’t water between his lips. The green pearl starts glowing.

Jun is like, “wait, holy shit, does this mean I’m a full human now, I got my true loves kiss :):)”

So Hiyori uses his magic to check, and “Oh, uhm, you’re still a mermaid.”

“What?”

“The seal isn’t complete, you have more than one soulmate.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Jun is not pleased.

Ibara does not know all of this.

So Hiyori kind of sort of tricks him into thinking that Jun hasn’t received a kiss yet, and makes Ibara act rashly, cuz Hiyori knows that Ibara takes any information he is given and formulates plans off of it.

So Hiyori uses the fact that he seems possessive to make it seem like he’d be really upset if someone else kissed Jun or stole his first kiss.

Ibara ends up spending time with Jun to try and make the whole thing seem realistic cuz he’s gonna “Steal Jun from his true love and make him lose the deal”

Bitch catches feelings, Jun also catches feelings, two of the pearls are now glowing.

Jun has two boyfriends now, and so does Hiyori, and so does Ibara. Their communication is on point.

Anyways, Nagisa gets involved.

I’ll continue this more later, I’ve already got all of it in my head I just need to get other stuff done tonight.

#poly!eden #ensemble stars #jun sazanami #hiyori tomoe #nagisa ran #ibara saegusa #Little Mermaid Jun au

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365days365movies · 3 years

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February 14, 2021: Brokeback Mountain (2005) (Part 1)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Or Palentine’s, Galentine’s, Single Persons Appreciation Day, what have you!

Anyway, on this day where we (and the greeting card companies) celebrate love in all of its forms, I think it’s about time to diversify my movie choices a little bit. SO, for the next few days at least, we’re going to change it up, starting with a film that shook the 2005 public’s perceptions of love: Brokeback Mountain.

And who brings this movie to us? Same guy who gave us this:

And this:

And would give us this:

Ang Lee wasn’t originally meant to be the director of the film, as Gus van Sant was signed on to do it. You know, Good Will Hunting, Drugstore Cowboy, that one movie where Una Thurman plays the greatest hitchhiker in the world with giant thumbs, and eventually finds herself meeting multiple people, including Keanu Reeves, Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid), and a group of radicalesbians who like in the Great Plains, coexisting with a group of critically endangered whooping cranes to whom they;’ve fed peyote, while also opposing the intentions of an evil feminine hygiene product company that seeks to take over the land for their factories? YOU KNOW, THAT MOVIE?

It’s called Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, and I wasn’t even slightly exaggerating with that summary, I SWEAR.

Anyway, he couldn’t do it, and Joel Schumacher also passed on it eventually, so they asked Ang Lee if he’d do it. After CTHD and Hulk, dude was on his way to retire, but after he cried at the end of the script, he accepted the job. AND HISTORY WAS MADE

Before I get into it, I should probably frank about something. I’m a cissexual, heterosexual man in a straight relationship with my girlfriend. She says hi, by the way. Here she is, a massive Jake Gyllenhaal fan, getting ready to watch this movie for the first time with me:

Isn’t she lovely? Anyway, just thought I’d be totally transparent about that. Incidentally, I remember when this film came out, as well as the fervor around it. This was JUST as the gay marriage debate was EXPLODING into the public scene, so this was obviously quite the talking point at the time.

Anyway, shall we find out who’s not going to quit whom? SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Cowboys Ennis del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) are waiting outside of a trailer, with Ennis having just arrived on a truck that reminded me of Optimus Prime, and I’m sorry. They’ve been hired by Joe Aguirre (Randy Quaid) to look after a group of sheep and guide them over Brokeback Mountain, a fictional mountain in Wyoming.

The two finally introduce each other, with Ennis seeming considerably closed off as compared to the open Jack Twist. They head to a bar, where the two get to know each other a but better Jack’s an occasional shepherd, but highly involved in rodeos throughout the year. Ennis, meanwhile, is a regular ranchhand at his family’s farm.

Time for sheep-herding, as the two guide their flock of sheep on horseback, with soft country guitars playing in the background over all of it. And I gotta say, the music combined with the visuals is giving me this real sleepy ambience vibe that I 100% would watch specifically to fall asleep to. Which is not an insult by any means, by the way; it’s just super relaxing.

The two make camp with the sheep in a mountain valley, and now I want to go camping. I realize that it’s February, and I live in a place VERY non-conducive to camping, but GODDAMN this movie makes me want to go camping. In the wilderness, surrounded by bird calls and crisp mountain air, LET’S GO.

We find out that Ennis is engaged to be wed to a woman named Alma, while Jack is yearning to break free of needing to take jobs like this. And all the while, they’re eating beans, scaring away coyotes, and fending of REALLY REALLY FAT American black bears, who you could really easily scare away without too much difficulty. You ever stared at a bear while both of you were in the woods? I HAVE. And we BOTH took off from each other in opposite directions. They’re not the bravest of animals, black bears. Grizzlies, however, you don’t wanna fuck with.

Anyway, after they face off against that bear and lose their newly bought supplies, they go hunting the next day and take down an elk. Which is a LOT of venison, I tell you what! Oh, and I’m not a hunter, just to be clear, but elk are fuggin’ HUGE. Seriously, XL deer they are.

Anyway, time goes on after that, and they continue to make their way through the mountains. And they get to know each other more, sharing their rodeo experiences and family backgrounds. Ennis also opens up pretty considerably, a fact not missed by Jack. The two become friends.

My girlfriend asks an interesting question: if I had never heard of this movie in any capacity...would I have known the extent of the relationship of Ennis and Jack? And honestly...I’m legitimately not sure at this point. I think I would’ve just assumed that they’d stay close friends, but no further than that. Call that being raised in a society with heterosexual bias towards relationships, or call that me not being a natural shipper. Both are probably accurate, to be honest.

Anyway, it’s getting cold out, and Jack’s sleeping in the tent one night while Ennis is freezing his balls off outside. With Jack’s insistence, he goes inside the tent to sleep next to Jack. And then...

Oh. Well, OK. Again, though, still not sure that at this point I’d...oh wait...OH...OH.

youtube

OK. Think I’d be able to tell at this point what the movie’s about.

So, yeah, they have sex. It’s spontaneous, it’s wild, it’s heat of the moment passion...and it’s REAL awkward the next day, I tell you what. That next evening, Ennis and Jack both insist that they “ain’t queer,” and that this is “a one-shot thing they got goin’.”

Uh, boys? There’s some important evidence to the contrary that we should consider here. But, OK, it’s a different culture, this is super new to you both, I get it. I’m not one to talk on the coming out or discovery experience (again, straight cis dude over here), but I understand that there’s some inherent denial. But still, they continue their relationship as is, for the time being.

Which is not as private as they thought, as Joe Aguirre observes them chasing each other naked on the mountain from afar. Whoops. Well, it doesn’t matter as much, as they still have a job to do until summer ends. And that job continues. They encounter another herd of sheep that gets tangled up with theirs, snow falls on the mountain and they have to deal with that, etc.

Then one day, the two need to head out. Jack goes to fetch Ennis, who’s moping on a hillside about something. He does this play lasso thing, which seems cute...

...until it turns into a full on brawl right there on the hillside. OK. Well. Some heavy denial going on here, I think, especially on Ennis’ part. Which is somewhat understandable, given the culture, and the fact that Ennis is engaged. Oh, by the way, hello infidelity. GodDAMN IT. Escaped you for TWO MOVIES IN A ROW, and you’re back rearing your ugly head.

Anyway, the job is done soon, and Aguirre’s not exactly happy with them, as they’ve apparently lost some sheep and picked up some from the other herd’s flock accidentally. With a light rebuke from Aguirre, the two part ways with not much else said. Jack asks if Ennis will come back the next summer, and Ennis reminds him that he’s getting married that fall. But as Ennis leaves...

Huh. Interesting reaction, that. Well, in the next scene, Ennis gets married to Alma Beers (Michelle Williams), and they seem to have a very happy relationship. They have two daughters together in a pretty small amount of time. The next summer, Jack tries to get a job with Joe Aguirre once again, but is refused on account of his relationship with Ennis on the mountain...kind of.

See, here’s the thing. Joe rebukes Jack for having their relationship on the mountain, leaving the dogs to babysit the sheep, rather than do the job they were hired for. And, uh...he’s not wrong, honestly. Yeah, OK, there’s definitely some homophobia laced in there, obviously, but they were hired to watch the sheep, and we only really saw them do that once or twice. So, yeah, sorry to say, but Joe’s not entirely unjustified in not rehiring Jack.

At a Fourth of July festival, Ennis brings his wife and daughters to see the fireworks, when a couple of bikers antagonize the crowd as a whole. This results in Ennis telling them to stop, and a fight takes place, with Ennis IMMEDIATELY taking out the two bikers, with little effort. Anger issues there, Ennis?

Jack returns to the rodeo, with new other options for money. He’s clearly also coming to terms with his own sexuality, as seen when he not so subtly hits on a cowboy at the bar. However, he also meets a young woman, a barrel racer named Lureen Newsome (Anne Hathaway), whom he seems to get along with fairly quickly at a rodeo. They dance together at the bar that night, and, uh...park.

And that, of course, leads to their eventual marriage and parentage as well. Looks like Lureen’s parents arent the biggest fans of Jack, though. Sure that’s going to lead to a healthy relationship down the road.

Been about 4 years since Brokeback Mountain, and this is punctuated by Jack paying a visit to Ennis’ place, which Ennis is told about by Alma. He seems...very anious, waiting nervously for a day to see him. But he finally arrives, and the two embrace happily. And then...

Oh, and Alma sees? Sure, sure, oh, and they go to a motel IMMEDIATELY? Oh, OK, OK, infidelity? Yuuuuuuupyupyupyupyupyup, halfway point? Yeah, sure, see you in Part 2. Geez.

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monsieur-hadrien · 4 years

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Quarantine Harry Potter Fanfiction *READING LIST*

I’ve spent the past months reading copious amounts of fanfiction and now my amount of AO3 bookmarks is absurd. I really need to share these because if I don’t I think I might implode. Drarry-centric but not all!

These are in no particular order nor is there a particular time frame that these were all posted. I have a little bit of everything in here just you wait.

On Punching Gods and Absentee Dads by Enigmaris

56 Chapters, 247k Words, Complete, no slash, T Rating

Marvel, Norse Mythology, Harry Potter Crossover

TW: Past Abandonment

Harry finds out that his dad is alive, has been the whole time. Instead of being overjoyed, Harry's disgusted. His dad left earth and abandoned his friends. Every painful thing he's ever gone through can be traced back to one man. Now Harry's got super strength he can't control and an almost unnecessary amount of magical power. His dad might be living it up with the Avengers now but not for long. With the help of his friends, Harry comes up with a plan for revenge. Get ready Avengers, Harry's out to punch a god.

We’re starting off strong with a Marvel crossover fanfic wow. Who knew that crossovers could be done tastefully as 2013 Wattpad kind of ruined it for us. However, this fic changed my mind! This fic is funny as fuck and is just a goodass time. I love a good multi-chapter fic (as you’ll soon see) and this one is a showstopper.

The Man Who Lived by sebastianL

42 Chapters, 254k Words, Complete, Draco/Harry, E Rating

TW: Major Character Death, Graphic Deptictions of Violence

Draco breaks a cup, and one thing leads to another. A story of redemption, tattoos, dreams, mistakes, green eyes, long conversations, and copious amounts of coffee.

With all of the Black Lives Matter protests happening right now, I think that this fic is super relevant. Draco has moved to New York City and is working as a receptionist at a tattoo shop and a mentor for inner city kids, but he accidentally gets forced to work out his differences with Harry, who at this point hates his guts. This fic is pretty serious, tackling themes of mental health, suicide, and police brutality. Every OC in this story is completely lovable and I cried my eyes out many times. When people ask me for a fic reccomendation this is the one I give people. Dare I say that this is my all-time favorite fic.

Warm Bodies by Betty_Hazel

Work in Progress, 37 Chapters as of 6/12/2020, 108k Words, Draco/Harry, E Rating

TW: D/s Dynamics, Graphic Porn, Dubious Relationship with Food

Draco Malfoy has spent his whole life wanting to go down on his knees for other men, and that's by far the least of the depraved things he fantasises about. He's wanted it all for so long that he's stopped believing that there might be someone out there who might be able to give it all to him; it comes as something of a surprise to find that maybe Harry Potter can, and that maybe Harry's looking for something too.

ALRIGHT MY PORN LOVERS THIS ONE IS FOR YOU! Don’t lie I know you’re horny. Somehow this fic is so fucking gorgeous and sweet yet so sinfully hot. It’s literally two boys who have never felt like their emotional needs have been satisfied learning to help and love each other like how much more wholesome does it get. I mean it’s all fine and wholesome until you get to the kinky sex which is WONDERFULLY WRITTEN MIGHT I ADD! I always say that if porn can make you feel something other than just horny, you’ve found a winner, and this story does just that.

Definitely check all the tags and I mean all the tags before you read this, but this is definitely one of my favorite porn with plot stories.

Running On Air by eleventy7

17 Chapters, 75k Words, Complete, Draco/Harry, T Rating

TW: No Archive Warnings

Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects.

Might I just say that classics are considered classics for a reason. This is one of those stories that has the vibe of high school summer after senior year where all you do is try to escape reality and figure out your place in the world. While the plot is wonderful and the characters are great, I think what shines the brightest from this story is the writing style. It’s so enchanting and poetic with the best one-liners that make your heart hurt. On my AO3 bookmark i captioned it, “This just ripped my soul in half and restitched it together again,” and I still stand by that.

Lokison (Series) and How To Train Your Godling (Series) by sifsshadowheart

Main Story (Lokison): 33 Chapters, 244k Words, Completed, Harry/Various Characters, E Rating

14 Spinoffs/ Sequel Stories, Completed, Harry/Various, Various Ratings

Norse Mythology, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Various Fandoms Crossover

TW: Major Character Death, Graphic Violence, Underage Sex, Spiralling Mental Health

James and Lily Potter had a secret, one which led to Thanatos saving young Harry from a dreary life with the Dursleys and changed the face of the Second British Wizarding War before it ever began.

This story feels much more like a 12 season television show than a two hour movie if you know what I mean. The plot is pretty slow going but the character development and interation makes it worth it. The story blends the lore and events of the HP and PJO to make a completely new story without making it feel like a goddamn recap. The reader follows Harry from when he’s young all the way into adulthood and it’s a fun time to watch him grow as a character and bond with his parental figures. Also some of the spinoffs are really wild and I never would have thought of the pairings but they just work somehow?? My personal favorite spinoff is the Pirates of Caribbean/Calypso and Leo arc like HELLO?! hot pirates. The total word count of the two series is 465k so beware it takes a hot second to chug through this one.

This Worship of an Extinct Fire by Lomonaaeren

Oneshot, 30k Words, Draco/Harry, M Rating

TW: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Emotional and Physical Abuse, Deppression

Unspeakable Draco Malfoy has planned for nearly six months how to take down Thomas Linwood, a man who has discovered the secret of converting wizard bodies to pure magic. He was prepared for anything--except the discovery of the missing Harry Potter in Linwood's compound.

This one, I don’t know how it’s not considered a classic. I’ve seen it floating around on drarry tumblr and wow is it good. I especially like the detailed magic system and mechanics that Draco is investigating. How the author managed to have so much detailed and gracefully planned out backstory in 30k words is beyond me. Also gentle Dracoo Malfoy is my favorite Draco Malfoy :) absolute angel mode.

Little Compton Street (One Rainy Night in Soho) by LLAP15 and Writcraft

Oneshot, 66k Words, Draco/Harry, Past Sirius/James, E Rating

TW: Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light D/s Dynamics, References to Cancer, References to HIV/AIDS

Draco is lonely, Harry hates the press and it won’t stop raining in London. Harry discovers a magical street that’s close to disappearing forever and Draco realises he’s one rainy night in Soho away from finding everything he’s been searching for.

This fic is, in every sense, a masterpiece. Especially for pride month, the story surrounding LGBTQIA+ activism, the AIDS Epidemic of the 80s, and the gentrification of historically queer communities is one that should be read by everyone. Every single place, OC, and historic event has real world ties and is historically accurate, making this fic even more enchanting. Everything about this fic is graceful and slow burning I can’t help but fall in love with it. I’ve only seen this fic once on HP tumblr, but I feel like it should be considered a classic as it is truly a moving piece. This fic is one of the biggest reasons why I became so enthralled with LGBT history and am writing a fic that takes place in a wizarding version of the AIDS epidemic.

Sensitive Touch by Raserwolf

45 Chapters, 194k Words, Complete, Draco/Harry, E Rating

TW: Racism and Racial Slurs, Homophobic Slurs, Ablism and Ablist Slurs, Rape and Sexual Assault, Sensory Overloads and Mental Breakdowns, Extreme Bullying and Hate Crime, Past Abuse, Anxiety Disorders, PTSD wow this is a long list

When Draco Malfoy encounters a struggling and frustrated Harry desperately trying to tie his shoes after a meltdown in the Great Hall, his curiosity regarding the incident leads him to seek the help of the two people closest to Harry: Ron and Hermione.

After even they are shocked to hear the extent of Harry's issues, though Hermione had her suspicions, he discovers more about the man than he ever thought he knew before.

As a Neurotypical, I found this fic to be absolutely wonderful. I don’t know much about the typical traits of those who are one the autism spectrum and how they affect their everyday lives, but from what I was reading in the comments from those who are on the spectrum or who have family who are, this fic was pretty accurate and realistic. Harry, who lives with aspergers, goes without a known diagnosis until 8th year and it’s just heightened by his PTSD and anxiety and ugh I just want to hug the boy. The story follows Harry and Draco and the rest of the 8th year gang through the year and has multiple arcs in which the wizarding world are just dumbass bitches who can’t fucking seem to accept people for who they are. Not only is Harry on the spectrum but he’s also Desi with a purpose and not just mentioned and forgotten which is wonderful. The boys go through a lot of trauma in the story but there’s also a lot of teeth-rotting fluff that I live for. This is one of the fics that I have read and reread because I love it so much.

This definitely is not my full list I have a ton more stories in my bookmarks if you are curious. I’ll probably post a part two to this just cause I have so much and read so often. These, however, are definitely the biggest highlights.

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thepoorperformer · 3 years

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So, what does it mean to perform? Does it solely involve me making a fool of myself onstage in hopes of inspiring laughs? Is it me butchering the lyrics of my favourite musical in the privacy of my own room? Perhaps now, right here, I am performing again writing this new piece. It feels very disconnected from my person, feels pretentious, yet it also seems to leak from my own core.

I recently had to tell my friends that I can not be around men this summer because they make me want to perform femininity. It has only dawned on me tonight that I have been performing long before Bugsy Malone. I wanted to be like the other girls so bad. I wanted boys to have crushes on me, I wanted to look dainty in cute getups. I wanted to be involved in juvenile dramas surrounding boys, just like every other girl my age. For that to happen, I had to look the part. Act the part. Jesus, probably the worst performance of the decade. Anyone can wear stage makeup, not everyone can necessarily bring it to life. There are not enough dresses in this godforsaken world that could ever make me feel that femininity I desperately craved. I was fat. I am fat. No damn boy was going to pick me up. Shit, I could pick him up. I would never tell this to little old me, though, bless her soul.

It is a little funny how being bigger automatically makes you non-human. Non-desirable. Just another pig in the farm probably headed for slaughter. Reading about other fat women feeling disconnected from their womanhood combined with my recent love for non-feminine pronouns...well. A lot just clicked. I am 20 now. I am done crucifying myself for my body, but I'm pretty certain the world isn't. Who gives a damn? Honestly. It is so tiring living and breathing dreams of thinness. It is unattainable, unsustainable. It is a journey, of course, but at least I no longer feel the loud longing of my fasting app. We must be one again, it screams from my phone. Fuck off. Almost 5 months of regular eating. Am I eating healthy? Hell no. But I'm eating and I haven't made a single fucking meme about starving myself so it's a win in my book.

We celebrate birthdays like our old selves have been dragged into cold, damp graves. Little old me who wanted to be feminine like her straight size peers still lives within me. She's annoying as hell, but she deserves care, too. I still catch myself wanting to be small. I still look smaller in my daydreams. I have a flatter chest and smaller arms...you know how it goes. I guess she's also very angry. I'm angry with her. Why the hell was my hand not being held? Why was no one asking me to the movies? God, anything. I am still very sad about that particular experience of womanhood: to be desired. Loudly, proudly, with no shame or conditions. Just another girl in someone's eyes. Like, who's daydreaming about me?

This whole thing is a poison, honestly. I have someone currently interested in me and all I can think about is they only desire me because they have feelings for me. I am almost sure that is not true. Still, my desire to be desired without romantic attachments remains. I want a boy or a girl to see me, and all my 200+ goddamn pounds in the flesh, and think I'm hot. Just that. Jesus.

P.S. For an atheist, I sure use God and Jesus a lot. This isn't even a proper P.S.

Anyways, here's to my gender fluidity and queerness, and my beautiful fat body that I will now love in rebellion.

The Poor Performer

#dear diary #my body #trigger warning #eating disorder recovery #travel

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offical-dystopiantale · 5 years

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*Chapter 2: Talk to me..*

Ink: Age 16

Error: Age 17

Part 2

*If self harm, suicidal thoughts, verbal and physical abuse are triggers for you, please skip over the section I have marked out*

“Error!”

The skeleton looked up as his name was called, his eyes landing on Ink; who was running across their school’s front lawn to where the ebony monster sat

“Hey.”

Ink plopped down onto the grass beside him, huffing. “What are you doing out here? Aren’t Basketball tryouts going on right now?” A breeze blew past them, kicking up a few of the yellow and red leaves that littered the ground; Error shivered, but he much preferred the cold to the heat of the summer. Besides, in fall, no one looked at you weird for always wearing sweaters.

“Last I heard, yeah. In the gym.” He snorted, raising an eyebrow at his friend. “Why? You wanna join this year?”

“Oh gods no! I just… I figured you would tryout.”

“Why?”

The white skeleton picked up a fallen leaf, idly ripping it up into small bits. “You were on the team in grade 9, and last year… you were really good too. It looked like you had a lot of fun.”

Error pulled anxiously at the sleeves of his hoodie and avoided looking at Ink. It was true, he had really enjoyed playing on the team and his height definitely gave him an advantage that made him feel… powerful. Useful. Or it had, at least. Now he couldn’t find any motivation to try it again.

It doesn’t make him excited anymore. Nothing really did.

So what was the point?

“I just… don’t feel like doing it this year.”

Ink hummed, reaching out and taking Error’s hand. The larger skeleton stiffened. “I feel like you’re not telling me something…”

Error pulled his hand away, stuffing it into his pocket. Why did Ink have to care?!

“You can talk to me about anything, you know…”

“Ink…”

He looked up, meeting his friend’s gaze. Ink stared back at him, locking their eyes and not looking away for a second. “I really, really care about you Error… I’m here to help you… Is, um, is everything ok? At home and stuff?”

The bell rang, the sound all but piercing through the air. The taller of the two boys all but jumped up, grabbing his bag. “See you in fifth period.”

Ink called after him as he quickly walked away, cursing himself. He rubbed his arms nervously, his mind wandering to the scars underneath. How did Ink know?! He made sure to never bring up anything from his home life, made sure to never mention the secrets carved onto his ulna and radius.

Ink wasn’t supposed to know.

He wasn’t even supposed to suspect anything.

That was the whole fucking point!!

Error promised to protect him. He promised. If Ink knew what he’d done, what he thought.. it would hurt him. How the hell could he still says he’ll protect him if he’s the one who hurts him?!

Well, technically there was something he could do…

Error pushed the thought down. Now wasn’t the time for that.

He’d continue to deny anything his friend threw at him. He’d act the same as he has for the past two years. Ink didn’t really know. He was just worried. All Error had to do was squash that worry. As if it were a cockroach.

After all, he was fine.

Error sat down at his desk, pulling out his science papers, his eye lingering on his arm.

… He just needed for Ink to believe he was fine, whether or not that was true couldn’t matter less.

*****

“Are you doing anything for Halloween?”

Error glanced quickly at Ink who sat in the passenger side of the car. The white skeleton was staring out the window, his chin resting in his palm.

He looked relaxed.

Cute.

“Nah. Mom usually hands out the candy and dad does what he always does. You know neither of them really go out of their way to celebrate this sorta thing.”

Ink giggled, eyes shifting toward his friend as he cheeks gained colour. “So you’ve said, multiple times.” He sat back in the seat, arms crossed in front of him. “Anyways, my mom’s going out to a party on Halloween night, leaving little ol’ me to tend to handing the candy out all alone.” The small skeleton dramatically wiped at fake tears, faux pouting. Error snorted. “And I thought, maybe a certain someone could come over that night to help me. We could even watch horror movies and binge eat some snacks!”

The monster driving snorted again as Ink awaited his response. He knew the ebony skeleton would say yes; they always hung out on Halloween. When they were younger, Winter would take them out Trick-or-Treating together and the two boys would have a sleepover afterwards; where they’d giggle and eat way too much junk food. But, seeing as both of the monsters had outgrown their candy hunting days, they preferred to stay in and watch bad horror movies while eating chips and popcorn; with Error occasionally making a crude joke about the film they were watching or something else that had happened during the day.

“Isn’t it just a given that I’ll come over now?”

“I mean, yeah. But I didn’t want to assume anything.” Ink winked, giggles erupting from him as Error stuck his tongue out in response.

“We could totally play a prank on the kids as they show up. Give ‘em a little trick with their tre-“

Error stopped mid-sentence, his tongue becoming cement in his mouth. He was just pulling up to the sidewalk in front of their houses when his eyes had landed on his father, standing on the front steps of his home.

He was mad.

Actually, mad was an understatement. Cyber looked absolutely pissed.

Error swallowed hard, grip tightening on the steering wheel. What had happened to get his dad so mad? Nothing came to his mind when he tried to think of something he’d done: his room was pretty clean, his bed was bed made, the laundry put away. He hadn’t done anything wrong so what-

His mind skidded to a stop like a train that was pushed off the tracks and ending with a loud, fiery crash.

The pins.

The pins Ink had gotten him a year ago. He’d made sure to keep them tucked away so his dad wouldn’t see them, but this morning he had been in a rush trying to find where his extra pair of headphones had gone. He had pulled them out and left them on his desk. He had eventually found what he was looking for, but had forgotten to put those secret pins away (He had accidentally crushed his good pair of headphones the night prior, and had made a mental note to buy some new ones).

Now, if his father had been anyone else they wouldn’t have thought twice about seeing the pins. Or maybe they wouldn’t have cared. But this was Error’s father, the man who’d take any opportunity he saw to harass his son; be that verbally, or - on the rare occasion - physically.

“Is that your dad?”

“Yup.” His voice cracked and he cursed himself. He took a deep breath and blocked off his emotions to the best of his ability, isolating them from his voice.

“He looks mad… did something happen?”

“Dunno.” He turned the car off, undoing his seatbelt. “You should head home. I’ll call you later.” His voice sounded distant and hollow, even to himself.

Ink hesitated, looking his tall friend up and down, checking for any signs that he wasn’t ok. Once satisfied, he sighed and muttered a small ‘ok’ before leaving the car. Error exited after him, watching as the small monster walked solemnly to his home with Cyber glaring at him. Hatred boiled up in Error’s soul, Ink hadn’t done anything wrong. How dare his father look upon him with such hateful and condescending feelings.

With his back straightened, he strutted up to his father who had turned his angry gaze to his son. Error met his eyes with the same loathing stare.

Error looked remarkably like his father: they had the same dark bones with the rare red and yellow bone along their bodies, they both had the same blue markings under their eyes (though Error only had three strips while Cyber had five.) The only things different between the two monsters were their eyes - Errors were a bright red, with one yellow eyelight and the other yellow with a blue pupil; while his father’s eye sockets were black, like most skeletons, with yellow eyelights. The second difference was pretty obvious: their personalities. Cyber Sona was cruel and cold, someone who only really cared about himself. Someone who drank away his problems and solved conflicts with violence. And Error… well, he didn’t know how to describe himself, but he knew he wasn’t as bad as his dad.

… At least, that’s what he hoped.

As the seventeen year old walked up the steps, his father pushed open the door. “Get your ass in here now.” His voice was deep, like a rumble in the Earth. It sent a shiver down Error’s spine as he entered his home, skull hanging low.

Cyber slammed the door after both of them were in the house. Error’s mother was busying herself with cooking supper in the kitchen, completely ignoring what her husband was about to say to their son.

Error often wondered if his mom even cared or if she was in the same mindset as his father.

Either way, Error moved to stand on the other side of the kitchen table, closer to his mom. Considering she’s never hit him, maybe it was just natural for him to feel at least a tiny bit safer near her.

Cyber tossed the two pins, the rainbow and pan ones, onto the table. They skidded to a stop near the center; Error winced and looked down.

“What the fuck are these?”

Cyber’s voice sounded menacing, and Error shrank into his sweater, staring at his feet like a child who was caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

Cyber slammed his fist onto the table top, causing Error to flinch backwards. Mumbling, he answered, “They’re just pins…”

“‘Just pins’...” His father jabbed a finger at them. “They’re part of that goddamn queer group.” He crossed the table to stand in front of Error; they were nearly the same height, but Error was still a bit shorter than him. He wanted to scream at his father, tell him he wasn’t, and never will be ‘his’ son, that it doesn’t matter if he was gay or not. But he kept his mouth shut, the fear inside him extinguishing any confidence he had. “Do you really think you’re gay.”

His voice had suddenly changed, taking on a soft tone. Error hesitantly looked up to meet his father's eyes.

“I-“

~Trigger Warning~

He was suddenly grabbed by the front of his hoodie, his father pulling their faces close, expression becoming dark. “Are you really going to do that to your mother and I?!”

He let go of the fabric, pushing Error to the ground; he went without a fight, grunting as his body hit the hard floor.

Cyber knelt in front of him. “You’re already such a fucking disappointment and burden to us... and now you’re going to say you’re a f*ggot as well?!”

He grabbed Error’s wrist roughly. This time, the boy tried to pull away, yelping.

That yearned him a hard smack to his head. “What do you have to say for yourself, you piece of shit?!”

Rage filled Error as he looked up as his father. He didn’t do anything wrong. It didn’t make him any less of a person just because he could love another dude! He wanted to spit on him; tell him to go fuck himself. Cyber must have seen that spark of fight in Error’s eye sockets as he painfully yanked his son’s arm forward, causing him to call out in pain. The force of the pull caused Error’s sweater sleeve to get pushed up on his arm, his cuts coming into full view.

Panic surged through the monster as he tried desperately to get his arm away from his father.

Cyber only laughed.

“You’re a fucking pussy too? Can’t handle all of life’s problems can ya?” He leaned in close, a sick grin plastered on his face. Error wanted to cry, but refused to do so in front of this son of a bitch- “Grow up. Life isn’t going to change just because you feel a little bummed out kiddo.”

Error was trembling, Cyber finally let go of his arm and the younger monster pulled it close to him. His father burst into more laughter, making Error bristle. “Why don’t you just go kill yourself then, huh? It’d make life so much easier for all of us… besides, no one’s gonna love someone like you.”

A sob escaped Error, his father snorting. “Go to your fucking room.” He said, standing back up. When Error didn’t get up, his father repeated himself; this time yelling.

The ebony monster shakily got up and scurried off to his room like a wounded animal.

He broke out into sobs once the door was safely shut behind him, sinking to the floor just inside his room.

He hated, absolutely despised his father.

He sobbed harder. Why the hell did the words he said have to affect him so much?! He knew his father was an asshole who was full of horse shit.

But it still hurt. It still hurt so badly to know he wasn’t enough, that he’d never be ‘good enough’.

He fumbled to his desk drawer, yanking it open and pulling out a small razor blade.

He knew he could just conjure up a knife with his magic, it would probably be easier than keeping these blades around. But, in a way, Error likes the feel of the cold metal. It was sick and he knew it.

He slid the blade along his wrist, another sob leaving him as a bead of blood slowly flowed out.

Usually when things got this bad it only took him three or five cuts to fully push the sadness away, to bring him into a state of cold numbness.

Five cuts came and passed.

As he got to ten, he was shaking roughly, letting the small razor slip from his fingers. A new wave of tears came crashing down on him, his hands coming up and gripping the side of his skull.

He was disgusting. All of this made him revolting.

Unlovable.

A disappointment.

If Ink knew… god, if he knew, he’d see Error as he really was: a grotesque shell of a monster, undeserving of any of the care he’d been given.

A light came on across from him. His head whipped upwards, soul dropping to his feet. His door, which he still sat in front of, was directly in front of his window; a perfect viewing point for anyone to see him if they looked from the house next door.

Exactly as Ink was now.

There was a look of shock on his face, then horror as Error jumped to his feet, stumbling to the blinds and shutting them hastily.

He’d seen the blood, Error knew he had.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck-

His phone began buzzing in his pocket; he pulled it out (if he hadn’t been so distressed, he probably would have taken time to be surprised the screen wasn’t cracked after his father’s little ‘display’). Ink was calling, of course it was him, who else would it be? But that confirmed that he’d seen what Error had done.

The skeleton pressed the red button, putting an end to the buzzing.

Ink knew.

Error flopped onto his bed. He’d tried so hard to keep this from Ink, and he still failed.

Ink probably hated him now. He had no reason to care anymore, he’s seen what Error was really like.

“Why don’t you just go kill yourself, huh?”

Error knew how to sneak out of his window, he’d done it before. But to do that, he’d have to see Ink.

His phone buzzed again.

Fuck it.

He pulled open the gray blinds. Ink’s room was dark.

Error wondered briefly where he went as he opened the window and hopped onto the small ledge below it. Next, he carefully edged to the side, dropping down onto the ground.

He still had the car keys and he had a good place in mind where he wouldn’t be found.

Well, hopefully he wouldn’t be found.

~End of Trigger Warning~

*****

Ink was scared. He’d never seen Error act so skittish.

He’d never seen his eyes so full of tears.

… and the blood…

His soul ached painfully in his chest as he tried, again, to call his friend.

Voicemail...again.

He was pacing in the living room, anxiously biting the tips of his fingers. He knew that Error had been hiding something from him. The way he suddenly started wearing only long sleeves; how he never wanted Ink to come inside his home; and, then today, when he said he was going to stop playing basketball.

But Ink never pressed him to share what was bothering him.

He never did.

His mind was brought back to Error’s arms. There was so much blood… what had caused him to do it? Why hadn’t he come to Ink for help?

If he was cutting… how long had he been doing it? How long has it been a secret?

Was he suicidal? The thought of losing his best friend brought a heart wrenching pain to his soul.

“Ink, sweetie, are you alright?” It was his mom, standing at the entrance to the kitchen. Should Ink tell her why he was so worried? She was a nurse, so maybe she’d know what to do; but at the same time, Error obviously didn’t want anyone to know…

“I’m just worried about Error, he’s not answering any of my calls-“

The sound of a car starting and driving away came from outside caught Ink’s attention.

… Error had their car keys.

Rushing to the front window of his house, he peeked out. Sure enough, the car he shared with his friend was gone.

Shit.

“Ink, what’s going on?”

“I need to borrow your car.”

“Excuse me?” Her hands were on her hips, and the short monster sweated nervously. Seeing her son’s anxious expression, she continued: “Honey, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”

Ink took a deep breath. He loved his mother to death and knew she meant well, but now was not the time! Who knew what Error would do out there all alone?!

“Mom-“

“This isn’t negotiable.”

He clenched his fist. He wasn’t an angry monster, if anything, he was typically very calm. But right now…

“What’s going on is my best friend might kill himself!!” His voice cracked and it came to his attention that he was very close to tears.

Winter stared at Ink in shock, her mouth agape. “S-so I need to borrow the car so..” He took a shaky breath, his eyes welling with tears.

“Where do you think he’s gone? I’ll drive you there.”

“Mom, no, I’ll gone alone.”

Winter was already at the door, pulling on some shoes. “You’re head isn’t clear. Neither you or Error should be driving when you’re so upset.”

“H-he’ll freak out if you’re there too, he’s already so upset I-”

“I’ll just drop you off and then leave. You will call me if you need a ride back.” She opened the door. “Now come on, we need to hurry.”

*****

Error took a deep breath and leaned against the oak tree on the hill, his breath forming a small cloud in front of his face. He’d come out here because he figured it would be a good place to do… what had to be done. But once he had arrived and seen the tree, and the stars, it had made him think of Ink almost immediately.

He was probably mad at Error.

He was probably worried out of his mind.

“I really, really care about you Error…”

The skeleton grumbled, wrapping his aching arms around himself. He knew he couldn’t do it. Even if he really wanted to, even if he knew not many people would care.

Ink would care.

Another sob escaped him. He was tired of crying at this point. He craved that numb feeling he hated so much. He was scared and tired.

He didn’t want to be alone anymore, but where else could he go? Neither of his parents would comfort him. If anything, his father would just tell him to go off himself again. He supposed he could finally return Ink’s calls… did he really want to answer his friend’s questions though?

… No, he didn’t want to. Shame lay heavily on his shoulders. How would he explain how he felt to Ink? How could he?

“Error?!” The ebony skeleton shot upwards, stumbling as he stood and instinctively hiding his arms behind his back. He’d taken off his sweater earlier, and hadn’t thought to grab it before leaving. Ink stood near the bottom of the hill. When’d he get here?! Error hadn’t heard a car pull up-

Error’s eyes caught on Ink’s mother’s car driving away. Well, that explained how he got here at least. But how had he known this was the place Error would run off to?

He supposed it was pretty obvious; this was their spot, after all.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Ink’s voice was loud and his clenched fists were trembling. His large eyes were full of tears, causing a pang of guilt to course through Error’s soul.

“I-Ink, I’m-”

“You’re a fucking idiot is what you are!” Ink was walking quickly to were his friend stood and, despite his height, Error couldn’t help but feel intimidated. In all the time he’d known him, he’d never seen Ink so upset. He couldn’t even think of a time where he’d ever heard Ink swear before beyond a small ‘shit’ here and there.

Ink stopped when he stood in front of Error. He was still shaking and tears flowed out of his eyes. The taller monster wanted to stop the tears; he wanted to stop his friend from hurting.

Most of all, he wanted to stop those god awful tears.

“I knew there was something wrong! You suddenly became more.., quiet, and-and you started only wearing long sleeves and- ”

“You only wear things that cover your arms too…” Error’s voice sounded scratchy from all his crying; so he kept it low, looking to the ground. Besides, if he looked into his friend’s eyes, he knew he’d just break down again.

“Yeah, I do. Because I'm hiding something, error!” Ink sniffed, wiping at his tears. “Why.. why wouldn’t you tell me about this?”

The softness in his voice convinced Error to look up; Ink’s eye lights were so full - full of worry, of anger… of sadness. The ebony skeleton felt himself tear up as well.

“I… I didn’t want to hurt you… I promised I’d protect you and i-if you knew you’d be sad and I-” He whimpered, his arms moving from behind him to wrap around his cold and tired body. The tears he’d be holding fell from his eye sockets once again.

“Error… “ Ink reached out for his friend, but flinched when he got a good look at his arms, at the scars. “Oh Error… how long… how long have you hidden this?” The monster didn’t answer, sobbing harder. He stumbled forward, pulling Inks into a hug. Ink didn’t fight it, instead he wrapped his smaller arms around Error, rubbing his lower back as he bawled.

Ink was warm in Error’s arms, like he belonged there. And Error would be lying to himself if he said it didn’t feel good to be comforted.

“Y-years.” He finally mumbled, holding his smaller friend tightly as he trembled. “My dad.. I… “

Ink pulled away slightly, looking up at him. “Let’s sit down, Ok? You’re going to tell me everything.”

Error was too exhausted to fight Ink on this right now, so he just nodded, pulling away and sitting down in front of the tree. The smaller monster didn’t follow him, instead he hesitated. “There’s a first aid kit in the car, i’m going to grab it, ok.”

“Why?”

Ink pointed a finger at him. “We can’t just leave those like that. They should be cleaned and bandaged.”

It didn’t take Ink long to grab the first aid supplies and soon he was sitting next to Error, asking him gently to show his arms.

“Can.. Can you tell me why you did this?”

Error hesitated before he let it all pour out of him; it was like a damn breaking.

He told him about how his father had treated him poorly since he was a kid. How his father would sometimes take a swat at him. About how his image of himself had been going down for years.

He also talked about the numbness.

Ink was quiet as Error vented, listening intently and tending to his cuts.

When he finally finished, Ink finally spoke up. “Your father… is abusive.”

“I guess you could call him that.”

“There’s no ‘guess’ about it… shouldn’t we call the police? They can help or-”

“No”

“Error, come on, this is serious.”

“We’re not calling the police. I’ll be moving out in a year anyways…”

“You almost killed yourself because of him!” Error flinched and Ink signed. “I’m sorry, I’m just… I want you to be safe.”

The ebony skeleton didn’t answer, just looked away. He was feeling better after telling Ink everything. As if a giant weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Though he wanted to hold Ink again.

“I… I don’t want to deal with the cops.”

“... You need to get professional help, at the very least.”

“Isn’t therapy like, really expensive?”

Ink shrugged. “I was thinking more along the lines of talking to the counselor at school.” Error grimaced at the thought. He could barely tell Ink all this, and now he wanted him to spill his guts to a random stranger at school? “Oh, she’s not that bad. She’s actually really nice.. I’ve talked to her a few times. She’d be able to help you deal with all this.”

“I told you, isn’t that enough?”

“No. I’m just… another person, Error. I don’t know how to handle depression, or how to learn healthy coping mechanisms. That’s why there are professionals.” Seeing his friend’s uncomfortable expression, he added, “I can come with you, too. So you’re not alone.”

Error sighed … The thought of getting better, of feeling better than this, was very appealing.

He wanted to get better.

For Ink.

… for himself.

He wanted to be better.

“Ok. We can go see her on Monday.”

Ink smiled gently, patting Error’s knee.

“Hey… I have an idea.” He pulled the locket he always wore around his neck over his head. It was round, light pink at the bottom, fading onto a light purple at the top. The skeleton took the larger monsters hand with his own, opening it. He placed the small necklace into Error’s hand. “You can have this.”

“W-what? No, you always wear this thing, you love it!”

“Exactly. This way, whenever you’re feeling like you're alone, you can just look at this and it’ll remind you that you’re not alone! That I’ll always be here for you.”

Error looked down at Ink’s locket. He honestly had no idea what picture was in it. He popped it open, inside was a picture of the two boys from last winter. They were standing by the large christmas tree that was set up in the city’s center every year. Ink had a scarf wrapped around his neck and chin, a warm cup of tea from the nearby coffee shop in his gloved hands. Error was beside him, drinking from his own mug - his had been full of coffee; something the smaller of the two found too bitter to drink.

Error could still remember that day clearly. Winter had suggested driving the two boys to the center of Blightview since the ice rink had just opened for the next few months and, after Ink’s persistent begging, Error had agreed. He had absolutely no idea how to skate though and the evening was spent with him trying his best to stay upright, and his friend fighting back giggles as he tried to help. Once Error had gotten annoyed with constantly falling on his ass, Ink suggested they go get something to drink. They walked around the tree and other displays for a while and, when they weren't paying attention, Ink’s mother had taken multiple pictures of them: like the one that now sat in the locket.

Error smiled at the memory, closing the locket and putting in on. “... thanks, Ink. For.. all of this.”

Ink hummed. “You said you didn’t tell me because you promised to ‘protect me’?”

The ebony skeleton nodded.

“Protecting me, and keeping me in the dark are two different things Error… I get you’re protective, but that should just apply to bullies and shit. This… you can’t help how you feel, and what you’re going through… no one should have to do that alone, you know? And I’m your friend - your best friend. You should be able to come to me for help… knowing this kinda thing isn’t going to scare me away, or hurt me.”

Error sighed, shivering. He really should have brought his hoodie. “I’m sorry. I was scared of how you’d react. Before all this happened, dad said some crap about it and… yeah.”

“Just… talk to me next time, deal?”

“Deal.”

“Now!” Ink stood suddenly. “Let’s head home. You can stay with mom and me tonight, because there’s no way you’re going ‘home’ after all this!”

Error chuckled, standing up as well, albeit a bit slower. “Thanks… is Winter going to ask about...uh.”

“She’s going to want to know you’re ok, but mom won’t push you to share what you told me. Don’t worry. Oh! And give me the keys.” He outstretched his hand. “I’m driving.”

Error snorted, pulling said keys out of his pocket and tossing them to his friend. As they walked back down the hill, the tall monster suddenly reached out and took Ink’s small hand into his larger one. Ink nearly tripped from surprise, his face becoming hot.

“Thanks again Ink… it… you mean a lot to me.”

Ink smiled, squeezing his friend’s hand gently. “Anytime, Glitchy.”

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cockasinthebird · 4 years

Note

1,14, 25!

Hi dear!!

1. What’s your sexual orientation? Queer AF bb, wannabe enigma, unidentifiable, I ain’t here to abet no standards!

14. How would you spend a million dollars? See, I’m not American!! So 1 Million dollars is 6.6 Million Danish Kroner! Which is still a goddamn shitload, and I’ve ALWAYS said I’d give 1 million to my mom, and 1 million to my dad, and I’m keeping that promise! That leaves me with 4 million, and I’d find a nice and affordable small apartment by the harbour in my town, spend money on getting a drivers license, my dream car (Fiat 500), leave some money for shopping, invest a bit, and then the rest would go to charity And specifically I would donate to The Bail Project if I got that 1 million dollars right here and now, because BLM and the fight ain’t over

25. Describe your perfect Friday night First of all I would have a partner who gets along well with my best friend, then we’d all get a slightly bit buzzed, not enough to be drunk but enough to have fun and be comfortable, we’d watch horror movies all night, laugh and scream, order pizza and eat junk food and ice cream, play some Wii sports and drink some more And then when it’s time to go home, me and my love would walk hand in hand to my apartment on a cool summer night, it’s probably around 4am and the birds are already singing, and we’d sleep most of Saturday away

And times would be good

#Anonymous #Answered #thank you!!!!#Oh but I am a sappy motherfucker who just wants love #I'm not every lonely or lonesome but #it would be nice to have someone #but it's been 6 years and I am thriving on my own #writing day and night #so life ain't bad now #just a tad bit touch starved ya'll #but who ain't huh!!!

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honeysucklepink · 5 years

Text

To the person who responded to my fic “Category Is...” with the following:

“there aint no white bitches up in ballroom, not now, not ever and especially not tomorrow bitch.”

I read your comment and I have to admit, it shook me up a bit. But I wanted to address this issue. First, upfront: I am a bi/pan non-binary gal, in a cishet-appearing marriage, and I am from Mississippi. So, cis-appearing white privilege AND from the Most Racist State on Earth? Yep, I’m already at a disadvantage even attempting to write in this culture. But give me a minute.

I am Generation X. I grew up with MTV and AIDS, Madonna’s “Vogue” and RuPaul’s “Supermodel of the World.” I was fortunate to live in a unique college town, with a school district that didn’t run away from integration like most of the counties surrounding us did (look up “segregation academies” for an eye-opener), and an art house theatre hangout for us misfit kids. There I watched movies by John Waters and Spike Lee, Lynch and Tarantino. I wore fishnets to Rocky Horror at midnight and a lace bustier to Truth or Dare. I had crushes on all of Madonna’s backup dancers...ALL of them. So I knew I was different. It took me years, YEARS to come to terms that I wasn’t straight, and more to realize the binary was bullshit. I am HYPER aware of issues related to race, representation, and privilege. I educated myself. I was lucky to find the parts of social media that weren’t run by 4chan. I followed women of color...black, Latina, Native. I followed queer people, trans people. I listened, and I amplified their voices the best I could...and can. It’s an ongoing thing.

I also read last week that a trans woman of color nearly got thrown out of Stonewall...fucking STONEWALL, for speaking out and protesting the commercialization and gentrification of Pride. I read an Atlantic headline (I refused to give it the clicks) saying that “hey the fight is over we won,” and I’m like “HUH?” When queer people can still get fired, refused housing, when trans women of color get murdered every fucking day? Trans women of color started the goddamn movement! Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera threw the first bricks. The Houses of LaBeija, Xtravaganza, Aviance are legendary in ballroom. I know this.

So why did I put a white kid in a house? It came down to the prompt first of all, and the character the second. I don’t know if you found my fic because you were looking for Pose fic and stumbled across this, but I should explain my primary fandom is Glee, particularly Kurt and Blaine (“Klaine”). Both are produced by Ryan Murphy. I love Pose so much, so when we had a Klaine fic gift exchange last summer I got sent the Pose prompt. Trust me my immediate thought was “how am I gonna put Kurt’s pale butt in this world?” Kurt is not only white, he is blindingly so...for fuck’s sake one of his canon nicknames in high school was “Porcelain” (a canon fact I decided to carry over). He is also, as his dad Burt Hummel would say “REALLY gay...sings like Diana Ross and dresses like he owns a magic chocolate factory.” But I couldn’t put him in Stan’s corporate world; Kurt would never fit in there. And the white cismale gay world is hardly depicted in Pose.

The other option was yes, putting him in the ballroom world, and in a house. So I did, and took painstaking care to a) do all the research I could, and b) find a way to justify why he would be there. And it came down to House of Abundance. When I saw Kurt, I saw him as one of Elektra’s children; cold, aloof, poised, fierce. Someone with theatricality, but who could cut you with a glance. Someone who has had to put up walls for protection, but when the walls come down there is a warm heart. But someone who knows that even in the ballroom world he is an anomaly, an outsider. Someone who has to constantly prove that he belongs...somewhere. Other houses point out his white privilege; Elektra uses it to her advantage. And in the current canon season of Pose, Elektra has started a new house and added a white queen, who says herself when invited “ain’t no white queens in ballroom.”

Which brings us to Blaine...which is a touchy subject in the Glee fandom in case you didn’t know. Darren Criss is half-Filipino. It was never confirmed whether he was “white” on the show. Some wrote him as white (and they were accused of “whitewashing” Blaine). Others wrote him as Pinoy, because the actor is. Criss himself has said he knows he is “white-passing,” and Murphy has never confirmed one way or the other. I wrote him as Pinoy, partly to be sure there wasn’t another white kid in ballroom, but also because of the dad angle, and I honestly was a little inspired by another Ryan Murphy role...Modesto Cunanan, Andrew’s father, in Assassination of Gianni Versace.

Ultimately however, it comes down to this; Glee and Pose are both fictional worlds. Pose is more rooted in a historical, legitimate culture, but the story is still an AU, an “alternate universe.” Would Kurt ever be in a house in real life? I don’t know. But I write Kurt and Blaine fic. I was asked to put them in the Pose world, and I did the best I could. I have educated and reeducated myself on sexuality, gender, ballroom, the lives of all who live on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. And I know I will die never having learned everything or even coming close to erasing my privilege. I can only invite you to read the entire story that I put my heart into, and the care I took with canon characters like Blanca and Pray. If you read this far, thank you for listening.

ETA: then I realized you don’t have an account, you are most likely a troll (as a friend said most “megaaatrons” she sees in social media are white girls), and your comment contained abuse, so I reported it as spam. But this I’m leaving up, cause I worked hard on it.

#ao3 #archive of our own #representation #category is #why do I respond to trolls?#they aren't worth the oxygen

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karmanticmoved · 5 years

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1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

#asks #long post #friends

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yeswevegotavideo · 5 years

Text

Hi, my name’s (basically) Mercury

So @thegrandwilde asked me a question about my internet name, and I realized I’ve never actually explained the entire story of my name in context. Then I realized that, with context, it was an extremely long story, so I thought, “Why not make a whole post about it?”

It is a long post. I don’t know if it’s an interesting post. It’s interesting to me, at any rate.

If you’re curious, or if you have any interest in etymology, especially the etymology of names, and of the reasons people name themselves, then read on, because I’m about to give a comprehensive account of why I’ve been Mercury on the internet for so long that, for quite a while now, I’ve honestly thought of it as my “real” name in a lot of ways.

So, I was a goth in 8th grade, a grunge-goth really. I was in 8th grade in '95/'96 so like...I basically didn't have a choice in being FUCKING OBSESSED with grunge and alternative rock in general. And I was really into Courtney Love’s whole aesthetic at the time, so I sometimes did your standard, Riot Grrrl-style babydoll dresses with combat boots look, but also like, cut the hem off of my black hamper bag and wore it over a black slip and called it a skirt because fuck you, society, that’s why.

But the main reason I was a goth in 8th grade, is because in 8th grade, I had an enormous crush on Tara.

Tara was a goth girl who made friends with me just before summer break between 7th & 8th grade. We spent the summer hanging out, and she was kind, and friendly, and beautiful, and very protective of her friends (and especially of me) and within a month, I had a gargantuan crush on her.

I had known I was bi since I was 11, when I basically came out to my mom (who, despite being kinda’ the worst in a lot of ways, was extremely liberal, and very accepting of my and my brother’s queerness, and of the gay community as a whole. Seriously, my mom was so liberal that my form of teenage political rebellion was being a centrist. God I’m glad I grew out of that shit. Anyway). But Western culture being what it was/is, I had little-to-no understanding of how to talk to, flirt with, or otherwise romantically interact with, girls I liked. That had not changed by 8th grade (honestly, in the ways that count, it has not changed, period). So I spent all of 8th grade pining over Tara, and Tara was the de-facto leader of the rocker girl clique (in the Sacramento suburbs in the 90s, you were either a “rocker” or a “rapper", and rockers did not associate with rappers and vice-versa, because the capital of California, one of the most (and for a few years running, THE most) diverse and integrated cities in the United States, was, and is, a racist, conservative hellscape, and I had way too much internalized racism to even look at rap music so...), and I was in her favor and under her protection. (Looking back, I’m fairly sure Tara had a crush on me too, so it really was your standard wlw standing around confusedly pining for each other in silence sort of situation.)

Which is why, when I came to school after missing a day, and she informed me that, “we all picked nicknames yesterday and there’s only two left, you can either be Mercury or Star,” I was not offended by her providing me with a list of approved nicknames that had been essentially picked clean already. I was, in fact, rather honored that I got to be one of the people who got a nickname at all. I associated Star with the character from the movie The Lost Boys, who I (rather misogynistically, I think now) found to be incredibly irritating.

So I chose Mercury.

That’s not the end of the story. That’s the beginning of the story. So like, buckle up lol.

So to rewind a bit, in 7th grade, I discovered Paganism.

I was ostensibly raised atheist, but with an understanding that my spiritual beliefs were my own goddamn business and my parents weren’t going to make that kind of a decision for me (again, SUPER LIBERAL parents. To be clear, also SUPER ABUSIVE parents, but like, SUPER LIBERAL about it. Which like, growing up being taught that emotional expression is valid and anti-authoritarianism is cool, but also being punished for being a person with independent thoughts and emotions is...a whole other story. ANYWAY).

I tried on Christianity for like, half a second, went to church with friends a couple of times, and 7-8 year old me was immediately like, “this is fuckin’ stupid, why did God kill Jesus, he’s God, he’s fucking omnipotent, he could just choose to forgive everybody at like, any time, nobody had to die, what a dick” and decided it wasn’t for me.

But I feel an inherent need for spirituality in-general, a kinship to it. When I played in the mud as a child, I was 100% one of the little girls mixing mud & grass & mint leaves with hose water and “making potions”. For hours.

And when I met a girl in 7th grade whose entire family was Wiccan, I was fascinated. So, it being 1994, I picked up a couple Silver Ravenwolf books and some Scott Cunningham and got to studying. (I know. I KNOW!!! I was 12, there was barely an Internet, it’s hyper-cringy, I get it, don’t judge me.)

The Wiccanism didn’t stick, but the Paganism sure did. (My “official” spiritual descriptor is, “Eclectic, non-denominational kitchen witch”. I worship no gods, but am happy to work with those who don’t require sustained devotion, and I’m pretty into fae lore. There’s also a bunch of personal spiritual belief stuff involving conceptual quantum and molecular physics, like, String Theory and the Multiverse Theory, and anthropological concepts about the power of language and story in human development involved, too. And I’m also very much a skeptic, it’s complicated. “I am vast. I contain multitudes.")

And around Freshman year, while still figuring stuff out, I came upon the concept of having a magickal name. A secret name that one shares only with the gods or spirits when doing magickal work. And I already had Mercury, a name which was granted and then almost immediately forgotten, because we were 13 and had no fucking attention spans, and Tara moved away, and most of us didn’t even talk to each other anymore and...the name was, therefore, kinda’ perfect.

So I chose it for my ritual work. And then I noticed some weird coincidences. Like, I had a pagan calendar that listed stuff like moon phases and planetary motion, and it associated different planets with different days of the week. And the planet Mercury was associated with Wednesday, which has been my favorite day of the week for most of my life (oh wait, do you...not have a favorite day of the week? Is that just me? Anyway). And when I was in maybe 5th grade, I read this book that was pretty stupid and I didn’t even really enjoy, and I don’t even remember the title of, but it repeatedly used a symbol for “the mark of the devil” in its dumb ghost mystery or whatever, and as much as I disliked the book, I was instantly attracted to the symbol. It looked like this: ☿ I would draw it on things all the time, it was one of my go-to doodles. Guess what the alchemical symbol for Mercury turned out to be?

So in 1999, when I got a computer that came with an Earthlink subscription, and I was really, truly introduced to the Internet for the first time (and not just like, AOL), there was really only one online handle I could see myself using. After all, I was anonymous, it wasn’t “really” telling people my magickal name if they didn’t know who I was, right? (And honestly, by that point I’d kind-of left that concept behind.) So I used Mercury. And whenever that was already taken, I’d use a combination of those nickname choices from 8th grade: Mercury Star, or Mercurystar. And that eventually evolved into Mercury Starlight. And that’s me! :D

It became my fanfic pseudonym (like almost immediately, because I discovered fanfic in the year 2000 and never looked back), and then on message boards or in forums, people would just, like, call me that. And over time, I really started to like it.

I’ve never liked or felt particularly connected to my given, IRL name. And I actually have a bunch of identity and dissociation issues tied up in it (whole other story, yet again), so like, sometimes hearing people use it makes me really fucking uncomfortable. Like, that’s not really a strong enough word for it. Like, I’ve honestly sometimes wondered if name dysphoria is a thing, like similar to gender dysphoria but like, for your name. I mean, though we most frequently associate the two, dysphoria isn’t actually unique to gender identity. It’s a somewhat generic psychological concept, actually. And names are pretty innately tied to identity and sense of self, and having a name that feels so incongruous with who I am that sometimes when people use it I literally feel physically ill, or depressed, or panicky, or get like, instantly turned off if somebody uses it during sex, like...honestly, that certainly sounds like a type of dysphoria to me. I don’t know.

But every single time somebody online calls me Mercury, I just...I absolutely love it. I light up. I feel seen. It’s...it’s just my fucking name, now, man.

Buuut, I don’t really have the guts to legally change it IRL. Not yet, anyway. We’ll see what the future holds. I don’t know, I think about even just casually asking friends to call me Mercury and just...cringe right the fuck up. It’s scary. What if people think it’s stupid? That I’m being silly? Lose respect for me? I know people change their names all the time, but like, that’s them. But for me? Scaaaary.

Anyway, that’s the story, and if you made it all the way to the end, like, thank you for listening?

#personal #my name #that was a really long way to say 'because a friend gave it to me and it stuck'

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somebody-already-took-this-url · 5 years

Text

I have something to share with you, and I would really appreciate it if you'd listen. I recently (like, very very recently) forced myself out of over a decade of self denial about my sexuality. And I know y'all don't care, but it's really important to me that I get this all out there, and if you read this whole thing you'll understand why.

Okay, so for the past ten years I've been telling myself and everyone else that I'm bisexual. But the truth is I'm not, I'm actually 100% lesbian. But. I don't know, I guess I was so ashamed of my truth that I needed to pretend to be something I'm not. So for the past decade, while calling myself bisexual, I dated and fucked around with several people, all dudes (hello, that bitch heteronormative-societal-pressure is calling) and well, not a single instance of those relationships was ever satisfying, sexually or emotionally. I remember when I was, what 10? 11? And watched Once Upon a Time for the first time. Seeing Lana Parrilla as Regina Mills - that was the moment I recognized that I was interested in girls. And I'd like to blame some external source for why I decided that must mean I'm bisexual and not gay... but in reality I think it had more to do with my own fear, my own insecurities.

After being thrust into the knowledge that I liked women, I spent a few months trying out labels (bi, pan, etc) but never really let myself consider lesbian as an option. Because up until that point, it had always been a given that I liked guys, you know? Like, straight is the default setting for sexuality (which, don't even get me started) and even though my family is and always has been very accepting and liberal minded, straight was still what they believed me to be as I had never indicated differently.

But now I was armed with my queer self knowledge, right? And the summer before high school I actually did come out to my best female friend at the time as a lesbian, and she was all "that's cool whatever" and part of me felt like I needed, I don't know, more acknowledgment? It was really difficult for me to come out to her, really difficult to even let myself say that I was a lesbian, and she basically didn't give a fuck. Which, don't get me wrong - I don't blame her for at all. We were 13 yrs old ffs! But it made me feel like maybe I was wrong, and I wasn't actually gay. Put on top of that all the adults in my life telling me that I couldn't possibly know who I was, that I was still growing up and therefore everything about me would change...and yeah, I began to doubt myself. Began to doubt if I knew myself at all, I was like "I'm 13, I used to hate bananas and now I like them...how can I know for sure I'm even gay?"

Anyways, so I'd just come out to my bff but then high school started - and I'm not sure if y'all know this but high school in 2012 was extremely heteronormative. My school wasn't anti gay or anything, but there's a lot of unconscious pressure from your peers to be in relationships, and when you're one of what, three gay people? you kinda can't be in a relationship ya know? So me, who was already questioning my self knowledge, decided that I must be bisexual instead of gay. And I dated like 3 people just in my first year lmao (all dudes of course).

Well, at the end of grade nine some really bad shit happened to me. Someone older than me who I trusted and considered a friend decided it would be cool to drug me and then try to get me to have sex with them in the "secret hallway" at our school. ANYWAYS not the point!!! The point is that after that, I labelled myself asexual and basically swore off sex forever.

The thing was, I kept on developing crushes on the girls in my classes. And every time that happened, I would force myself to ignore it and then I would go and flirt with some guy instead, because I might have been interested in both but who wants to be that one weird girl who flirts with girls that don't want to be flirted with? I certainly didn't. But guys we're always so easy, idk, they were all pretty desperate back then. Lmao that sounds harsh but I stg it's true. 15/16 yr old boys are like a whole nother level of thirsty.

I continued to develop crushes on girls, and have meaningless relationships with guys. I even briefly had a flirtationship with a girl in grade 10 (I went to a different high school for like a semester) which lasted a whole week lol. And then in 11th grade I had a relationship with my best friend at the time, who was a guy I'd been really good friends with since 5th grade. And it was both super easy and super hard, if that makes sense? I knew him well and we were really comfortable with each other - but I was also a lesbian pretending to be bisexual, so every time we did anything remotely sexual it was like totally ew.

We tried to have sex, but my vagina was like "ahaha bitch you thought" so that never happened. I actually tried to have sex two other times with two other guys after that, and each time my vagina was not having it. It was an instance of my body knowing me better than my mind, but I didn't want to listen.

Then this past fall, I decided to go out with this guy I worked with. It had been uh, wow, 2 years since my last relationship, and tbh even though I wasn't interested in dating him at all I felt like it might as well happen. Basically that John Mulaney joke about how adult life is already so goddamn weird. Also, after being single for that long my fam was getting pretty annoying with all the "when are you going to get a bf" shit so yeah, basically I caved to the pressure and went out with this guy Richard.

We went on maybe four dates, and it was so incredibly underwhelming that after not seeing or hearing from him for a month after the job ended, he called me and I was like "Richard who?"

Guys. I had legit forgotten about him. Completely, like he'd been erased from my mind, that was how insignificant he was. But it made me start to wonder; how can this guy, who I'd tried to have sex with, be so meaningless to me? Why am I so indifferent?

I sat down with myself, and took the time to have a long look at the parts of me I'd always kept hidden away. I came to the realization that I wasn't bisexual, that I'd never been bisexual, and that I am actually gay as fuck. Part of this realization was me letting myself rediscover my super gay love for Lily Tomlin. She is one of my fav actresses and her movie All Of Me was my favourite film for half my life. But because I was so busy forcing myself to be Not Gay™, I'd made myself ignore her, and a lot of other female actresses and celebrities who I adore in exchange for male celebrities.

But even after I made the realization that I'm gay and not bi, a part of my brain was like "but what if you're not tho". There was still a big part of me that was trying to force me back into denial, force me into hiding from myself. A part of me thought "if I'm gay, wouldn't someone have noticed? Wouldn't my family have known?" In hindsight it was actually super obvious, but I guess I did a good job of hiding it from myself and everyone around me.

It took me three weeks to actually say the words "I'm a lesbian" out loud to somebody other than myself, and when I did it was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done. My sister was really amazing about it though, and I'm so grateful to her for that. And after telling her, after forcing myself to say it to another human being, the part of my brain that was trying to get me to lie to myself got a little smaller.

When I told my mom a few days later, it was slightly easier to say out loud, and when I changed my bios on my social media (which I'd been avoiding like the plague) my need for self denial shrunk again. But it's still there, in a corner of my mind. The little voice of self doubt, trying to convince me that I'm wrong, that I can't be gay, that I should keep hiding.

That's why I needed to tell y'all this. Because the more people I tell, the more times I say it out loud, the more I make it known - the smaller that voice gets. The less power it holds over me. The more real the truth, my truth, becomes.

My name is Mara, I am 20 years old and I am a lesbian. Now you know my truth.

#mara speaks #my truth #coming out #lesbian #personal #please be gentle #this was really hard for me to write okay #but i needed to say it #and i need to keep saying it #and tbh im finally ready to admit this to y'all #its so freeing to be able to write this and not care what people think

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queenofquiet17 · 5 years

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I was tagged by @homosociallyyours to make a top 10 songs by women playlist. Which honestly, narrowing it down to 10 is the hardest thing in the world, and there’s no way I’m even going to try to start ranking them. So here’s a sampling of songs that mean a lot to me/I have in heavy rotation.

“Fugitive” by Indigo Girls: Swamp Ophelia is one of my favorite albums of all time, but this song made me feel like I was being broken open in the best way. I was just starting to make the realization that I’m a lesbian (which was super fun in my conservative hometown, thanks), and the opening lines of this song just hit me so hard because it felt like me (”I’m harboring a fugitive/A defector of a kind/And she lives in my soul/And drinks of my wine/And I’d give my last breath/To keep us alive”). This summer, when they released their live album with the University of Colorado Symphony Orchestra, I got to their version of “Fugitive” and just started weeping because it felt like I was being broken open all over again. I still haven’t been able to hear this version without crying a little bit.

“Down by the Water” by Megan Mullally and Supreme Music Program: Megan Mullally is responsible for basically 90% of my taste in music, thanks to her brilliant covers making me want to seek out the original artists. This song was definitely responsible for opening the door to my love of PJ Harvey. But I remember seeing Megan and SMP in concert at the Kennedy Center when I was 15, and they played this (it wouldn’t be released for another two years), and it felt like a goddamn REVELATION. It still feels like a revelation, even after constantly playing it for over a decade.

“A Place Called Home” by PJ Harvey: Speaking of PJ Harvey, I picked up the To Bring You My Love and Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea albums not too long after hearing Megan cover her and completely fell in love. Her music just felt like such a genius calculated frenzy to me, and I couldn’t get enough. I just love the urgency in the music of “A Place Called Home” so much.

“Put It Out for Good” by Amy Ray: I first heard the Prom album when I was right in the middle of high school--and right in the middle of accepting the fact that I’m definitely not straight--and it just made me feel so seen, and it made me feel like I could survive this because this album was proof that other people survived this. This song in particular made me want to feed my spark and let it burn for good. (I don’t know why I couldn’t find the studio version of this on YouTube? That’s criminal)

“Your Love” by The Butchies: God, I love The Butchies so much. And aside from Megan Mullally, this was one of the first times I heard a queer cover song, so this one has always had my heart. And I just love the way they slowed the song down, I feel like it fits the lyrics so much better.

“What About the Moonlight” (UK version) by Cher: First thing’s first: the UK version of this song is infinitely superior to the US version, and I will never understand why they remixed some of the songs from the It’s a Man’s World album for the American release. But this song helped me through a lot. When I had to move back to my hometown for a little bit after making a really fantastic life for myself in NYC, I wrote the lyrics to the bridge down and put them someplace I could always look at them when I needed a boost to remind me that I would get back to where I wanted to be eventually (”Nobody said it would be easy/To take a fall and stand/Just wrap your arms tight around me/And we’ll stumble together until we learn to dance”).

“Green (You Can’t Touch Me)” by Amanda Kravat: Maybe it’s partly because of its placement in the movie Fall, but this song wrecks me more than most songs do, and I love the way it wrecks me. Sad songs give me life.

“Ashes” by Celine Dion: One of the more recent entries into my ever-expanding list. But I was at a low point when this song came out, and the lyrics gut punched me to the point where I got “Let beauty come out of ashes” tattooed on my forearm. Another one of those songs that came along when I needed it the most.

“The Voyager” by Jenny Lewis: This album was probably my favorite of 2014. I could not stop playing it. She just blows me away every time I listen to her, and this song is just so brilliant. “If you want to get to heaven, get out of this world” is one of my favorite lyrics ever.

“Not Alone” by Patty Griffin: In the fall of 2008, I had just moved to NYC from a small-ish town in Pennsylvania for college, I didn’t know anyone in my new home, and I was seriously second guessing my ability to do this. One day, I wandered into Virgin Megastore (RIP) and picked up Patty Griffin’s Living with Ghosts on a whim. It QUICKLY became my soundtrack to walking around the city, and the fact that it’s just her and her guitar made me feel like if she could make something brilliant like that on her own, maybe I could do the new city thing on my own. “Not Alone” is my favorite off of the album, and just makes a lot of memories come flooding back.

Anyone want to play along? @disgruntledkittenface @crinkle-eyed-boo @a-brighter-yellow @uhohmorshedios @fuckingparty

#m'music #badass women #top 10 songs #this could have easily been like 1000 songs long

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pinkletterday · 6 years

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Legends 4x3

Okay so after the fucking Flash kicked my heart in the nuts and left me to die last week, my soul needs an ice pack to numb the pain. Not in the mood for bullshit, folks.

I mean in no mood for wank. This show is some top-shelf bullshit.

Already bracing for Americans trying to speak English. I'm not excusing any of the British Empire's atrocities but every time an American tries to imitate an English accent, I feel kinda sorry for them.

What the fuck is that voice. DOLORES UMBRIDGE IS THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Ah, the Crown Jewels. Or as we of the former Raj like to call them, Loot.

...

...I see they've started pumping the Beebo-grade crack through the writer's room air vents early this season.

I have no love for the House of Windsor but the Dolores Umbridge shaking her bum at me is giving me conflicting feelings.

Guys. You are way overestimating the importance of the monarchy on UK politics. For one, Scotland and Ireland have been trying to get rid of that dog leash for years, it would stopper the largest welfare drain on the British tax payers and force them to find a better tourist attraction than a houseful of barmy inbreds who get paid to wave at idiots.

It is possible I have some feelings about the British Monarchy. I'm sorry, Americans. I understand you sacrificed one of your own to them recently.

Nate and Ray watch Patrick Swayze movies together. Good to know good to know.

So Zari's sacred totem is now a sacred FitBit? Eh, why not.

RED ALERT SARA LANCE IS IN A TANK TOP WOMAN ALL STATIONS!!

I don't understand why these are supposed to be bad guys. LEAVE THE SMELL ALONE.

Gerard Way is evil?

Jesus fuck how does Caity Lotz work the Roxette hair so damn well???

Oh don't look like that Sara. "So the Legends walk into a bar" is now a historical punchline. Let the one who cast the first beer bottle stand in judgement - no wait that was you.

Lolololol work it Ray work it! Brandon Routh is the most adorable comedy gold mine.

Goddamn I did not know there would be this much UST between Mick and John Con.

You know it's bad when MICK RORY is concerned for the team's survival.

Gary stop being so embarrassingly heterosexual.

Blawks. Blawks.

BLAWKS.

OKAY MY EMBARRASSMENT SYMPATHY SQUICK CAN'T TAKE THIS I'M MUTING TILL ITS OVER.

Look so far I am 100% behind the punks. Not only are they gorgeous and revolutionary and anti-kyriarchy, that Indian girl can also get it anytime anywhere arré shawash meri jaan ok this devolved somewhat.

You want people to Rage Against The Corgis?

RAY STOP TRYING TO TALK BRITISH MY EARS TRY TO CRAWL BACK INSIDE MY SKULL EVERY TIME YOU DO.

"The pooch seems to have fallen in with a bad crowd" Loooool

YO NO HEALTH AND HYGIENE IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO THE PUNK MOVEMENT. DISCO IS NOT THE ONLY ONE PRO-STAYING ALIVE. THERE IS NO GLORY IN SEPSIS.

Mate, it's Liverpool. We could drop you in 1423 and you'd still somehow find Liverpool like due fucking North.

Is he hitting on Dr. Who's next companion?

!!!!! MUM!!!!!!

Yes Zari we all have regrets now.

I don't care about Nate and Amaya I need more Constangreen deets!

But oh way to twist that knife dude, damn Gary.

I see the CGI department are going to town with the extra two dollars in their budget.

"DECLAN IS CUTE" RAY PALMER IS OFFICIALLY QUEER THIS IS CANON NOT A DRILL ALL SHIPS ARE GO

Corgi mohawk. Of course it is. OF COURSE.

There's a FAILSAFE? Does Barry Allen know?

So I guess the grandfather paradox is officially off the table? No?

Ok but what if you kicked a bucket out under a ladder or something that would precipitate a chain reaction that killed one of your ancestors? Would you still find yourself flat on your back in an unfun way, no buckets harmed?

I will say, as far as self-loathing goes, that's a pretty inventive way of committing suicide. But then who among us has not wanted to punch our Dads in the nuts so hard we would never be born? Show of hands!

Okay then. I guess its just me and you, Constantine. Awks.

Your past is coming for you? It would have to catch up to your lungs, your liver and Mick Rory, mate.

RETURN OF THE DISCO OUTFITS I AM SCREAMING YESSSSSS LORDDDD

Okay! Listen, Disco was a black music movement that was an expression of African rebellion against capitalism and white supremacy until it was demonized and then co-opted by white people like everything fucking else black people has ever come up with including yeeting. Why do you white punks think you're better than them?

I never associate Abba with Disco, despite all the sequins. Now Boney M. Donna Summer. Bee Gees. Fucking Prince. I love Abba man, but they don't rate within the genre.

Not being Irish isn't a past, bruv. It's a lack of one. A literal dodged bullet in the 1970s. Fuck off.

Oh my Lord stay forever my beautiful Brown Girl In The Ring.

I love Maisie but this South Asian representation is giving me feelings. I'm going to show up for every kind of diversity but I miss seeing my own people on my screen so much, y'all.

LOL mixtapes.

I hadn't realized Ray and Amaya were close at all. Did they ever have a partnered episode?

I thought the team's moral compass was Ray.

This whole "having to go hard to feel my own shape" thing is seriously relatable to my neurodivergent ass.

"Squad save the queen" Sara you aren't even trying.

I think there is some truth to the discontent rising from the Avalance faction that Sara is somewhat lacking in weight and complexity thus far. Give my captain her due, writers.

Oh woooow Ray Palmer is showing some TEETH.

To be fair, I too get that excited about lunch.

Gar-bear. *pained look*

Of course the one plant Gary managed to pick up would turn out to be friggin' Audrey II.

Nate in hot pursuit after a rogue potted plant, livin' his best life.

Aw man. Bad bitch!Ray was actually Charlie. That makes sense, I guess. *grumbles*

MAISIE!!! WITH HER REAL HAIR AND ACCENT!!! HI MAISIE WE MISSED YOU!

Sigh. Goodbye beautiful brown goddess. I hope you come back.

Lmaoooo Ray what the fuck is that face??

Lmao I love how the rest of the office is just clacking away peacefully in the background. Bust up with a man-eating Venus Sandwich-Trap in cubicle 17? Okay well, send a memo to HR.

Aww Nate. Oh no. You poor sod.

Hey Sara you wanna give a guy a heads-up on something that is very definitely gonna end up in a colossal heartbroken clusterfuck? No? Okay.

Ah finally. Some lesbian nookie...that is off-screen.

Ava: "how do you herd cats?"

Sara: "you don't."

And we’re done. An uneven episode and a distinct lack of Gerard Way or actual Disco but it got the job done!

#legends of tomorrow spoilers #legends of tomorrow #liveblog

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monkey-network · 6 years

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Good Stuff’s Best of 2017

WARNING: I’d like to thank everybody who was here for me when times were low. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Cartoons; the one thing that I will continuously watch until I go blind. 2017 was an emotional handful and an exhausting trudge, can’t deny that, and I’m counting down the best cartoons/animations I’ve seen and loved this year in no particular order. Only two rules, no sneak previews of future projects (sorry to Unikitty and Hideo Kojima). Here we go....

10. HANAZUKI: FULL OF TREASURES

This was a sleeper hit tbh. The fact all the episodes were free on Youtube blew my mind, but having a well structured story with a lovely cold space color palette, actually relatable characters, and a sinister undertones below its tender, colorful charm to be as a nice headliner to when Friendship is Magic came back in spring. It was an inviting start for the year, and with the guy behind Motorcity and Superjail taking the helm and having two more seasons being produced, Hanazuki is something I find is in good hands come 2018.

9. LITTLE WITCH ACADEMIA

Four long years. I waited FOUR long goddamn years...and fuck me was it worth it. A spectacle is what I can call Little Witch Academia. Almost every episode dazzled me with its stage made bravado and confidence that always made me say, “Okay. Let’s make it til’ the next week”. Even when things got serious, LWA knew how to have fun and make the most of its concept. There is a sense of predictability sometimes, but the series would still throw you some good curve balls to never lose your interest. What did lose my interest was Netflix’s sorry excuse of a dub. The movies: fine. But Netflix, try that again, with any other anime, and I will rip your nuts off.

8. Now I might be cheating here since it’s not a cartoon, but shit it might as well have been

CUPHEAD

The effort that went into this is phenomenal, beyond the many other games of the year no doubt. While not everything is animated, I could tell they were cutting corners in some areas, the frame BY frame animated enemies, bosses, and effects made this one of the most visually colorful and alive games to date, next to Mario Odyssey. Not only was this game a frustrating yet joyous romp to start and finish, but the music and art flawlessly channeled the essence of a time where the word “cartoon” was only starting to make good progress. My favorite character would have to be Satan King Dice, whom is an animated homage to great musician and composer Cab Calloway. His stache, his clothing, even his Cheshire grin captured the cool, jazzy vibe Calloway always provided in his performances. He and his fight was the highlight of Cuphead for me and I hope this game, if a sequel isn’t possible, is well remembered for its unexpected excellence in how a video game can look.

7. CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS/L-EGGO BATMAN

Faithful is what I can describe these two. Captain Underpants was just an awesome book to elementary schooler me, but to see a well animated, well written movie about a dude in his underwear was nothing short of a simple yet powerful masterpiece. As for Batman, this is one of the three truest DC and Batman movies around this time, and it has a gay undertone with Batman and the Joker’s relationship (how can you not pull that off, Suicide Squad?). While not a big fan of lego myself, The Lego Movie put my faith WB making another one equally as good, and they did not disappoint. It’s a shame it got snubbed at the Golden Globes, it deserves the award more than the Boss Baby. Plus it had a Superman that didn’t bore me while having a terrible CGI lip job that’s only made worse by his two way dick nose....

Justice League costed 300,000,000 dollars.............

6. DANGER & EGGS

To me, this series felt like one of the few steps forward the world took to make the LGBT+ community feel more welcome and inspired in public outlets; a small step, but progressive none the less. It is a colorful and lively action comedy, a first to be created by a transgender person, where you can see a non-binary character, a pride fest, diverse background characters of orientation and ethnicity, and it feels like they are a part of the world and not footnotes that states that you should respect queer, bi, ace, and so on based on a say so. It’s a show don’t tell type of series and it brightened my summer before I had to remind myself that college exists and is expecting me.

5. TANGLED: THE SERIES

*ring ring* “Hello?” Ye, Disney? How fucking dare you?

My hype for this was undoubtful. I love Tangled the movie, I consider it one of my favorite 2010 disney flics beside Wreck it Ralph and Moana. And when the art style was up for a preview for this (?), I just sat and waited until it finally premiered and damn. I never stopped loving it, but it is until episode 16 where the series starts to hit high note after high note with the direction it’s going for the story. The fact that this all takes place not long after the movie makes the thought where Eugene and Rapunzel finally get married feels all the more earned. It’s working its way to a happily ever after, I adore this show, and this makes me appreciate Frozen a bit more for how far that’s fallen in the world after its one year of fame. Seriously, Gigantic had to get chopped, but Olaf can still live? Give me a break, Disney.

“Sir, I understand your enthusiasm....but this is Domino’s.” Then I will have the 5.99 large with Salchicha and pepperoncini with a liter sprite on delivery.

4. MADE IN ABYSS

This was so beautiful, so awesome, and much better than...

I wasted my life and I cannot say that I will ever reclaim that time proactively again the Anime

Made in Abyss is like Hunter x Hunter except Gon’s more booksmart and Kilua’s a timid robot. The bond between Riko and Reg was a fucking dynamic and heartfelt where Riko’s helps build Reg up and Reg kept Riko and himself safe with his bodily arsenal. That and this series has the best world building where they not only give the low down on almost everything about the titular abyss, but the atmospheric environments and the designs of the inhabiting creatures made this a unique world to want to explore myself. It knew what to show, and knew what to share. When things got serious, I actually tensed up at the thought of shit truly going down; they knew how to soften the terror while maniacally instill fear in us for the safety of the traveling kids. I want to recommend this link to an awesome breakdown of how great Made in Abyss was. However, as it seems that a season two has gone down the abyss as well, and I’m afraid it can’t come back up.

3. LET’S BE HEROES!!

Is it safe to call this the M.U.G.E.N. of cartoons? Just an all up mashup of stuff I love in a Saturday morning? Campy, action, and laid back, this is something I can be sober or grab some kush and I would be enjoy the show just the same. They even have references you might not have ever heard of, but might like the search. OK KO’s a popcorn cartoon, it’s not for everybody, but it established itself well into the modern CN era when Adventure Time finally has to move on.

2. SAMURAI JACK

Getting this out of the way: episode 6 toiled the final season of Samurai Jack for me. Not gonna go into detail, but if that episode was remade, I would have been more satisfied looking back. However, that does not stop me from saying this is how a revival should be, this is how a reboot should work, THIS is how you can bring nostalgia back. Samurai Jack was great back then, but this season, wrapping up the loose plight of our boy trying to get back to the past and defeat the demon Aku, was satisfactory to many fans. Even those who’ve never heard or remember Jack could just enjoy this as a dynamic mini-series; it gives you context of what happened before without having to recap the original plot of it. For non fans, it’s mostly about an ageless samurai, longing to return to his own time, stuck in the future for over 50 years to the point of losing his honor and his mind. It’s a binge worthy 10 episode season, originally intended to be a movie, and aside from polar opinionated finale, this made Samurai Jack feel great to love again.

1. TRUE AND THE RAINBOW KINGDOM

This is a personal choice from me because 2017 was an honest to god terrible year for me; nothing but turmoil, season to season, and the struggle to cope with that despair in a way I felt actually could help. However, this small series here boosted my spirits because even with it being a show for little kids that I originally wanted to watch as a joke, the competent, enthusiastic spirit it had just moved me in a way that cartoons that I love for eons could only try to do on a whim. It’s not the best made cartoon, it’s not something I sincerely recommend to you all, but it helped me realize that the best thing about life is finding and seeking things that don’t just distract you from the hard and testing times reality puts on you, but gives you a moment of honest bliss and happiness that can influence your outlook on looking forward to better things because things like this, cartoons like this, CAN make you feel better.

*sniff* Which is why, the actual cartoon of the year....

1. is STEVEN U., BABY!

Just kidding, guys! You will NEVER win, Steven!

TEEN TITANS GO! WINS IT AGAIN, BABYYYY! ONCE AGAIN BABY (i don’t even like it no more...), YOUR NEW FAVORITE SHOW (i don’t even fucking like it no...) RISES TO THE TO-

But Steven Universe in Space, though. That’s when it’ll be great again.

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thecinephale · 6 years

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Magic Mike XXL: Masculinity Worth Appreciating

I saw the first Magic Mike with my sister the summer before I left for college. I remember this day the way I remember just about everyday I’ve spent alone with my sister. I remember the day we spent visiting her favorite “spots” right before I started high school. I remember when we got into a hip NYC club because she looked like her even though I looked like me. I remember the difficult lunch we had my first visit back after coming out as trans. I spent most of my life with my sister, usually our parents were there or nearby. But once she learned to drive, the days alone, I remember all of those. This day, in June, in 2012, we were seeing Magic Mike.

There were two men in the theatre, sheepish looking boyfriends whose body language and facial expressions tried to make clear that they were just being good sports. Otherwise it was all women, ages ranging, ready to express their sexuality in public, an experience rarely allowed. My sister commented several times how weird it was to be seeing this with her little brother. I deflected with discussion about Steven Soderbergh and his varied filmography, abuzz with the comfort and confusion I’d always feel when in majority-women spaces.

The movie was fine. Soderbergh knows how to shoot and edit, Channing Tatum knows how to dance, and Matthew McConaughey knows how to chew scenery. But in making two films about the sex industry, Soderbergh failed to understand the difference between what men and women audiences are regularly given. It’s subversive to send a bunch of horny guys into The Girlfriend Experience wanting to see Sasha Grey fuck and then giving them a cold film about economics. But doing the same to a bunch of horny women wanting to see Channing and the gang is just… disappointing.

Still there were enough abs to keep the audience relatively happy, and I left the theatre with the excited feeling that I’d gotten away with something. The same feeling I always had when I’d hang out with my sister and her friends, the same feeling I’d have any time I managed to be around groups of girls, conversations, car rides, karaoke rooms. While I never felt fully relaxed, I did feel more comfortable. It was as much about being near women as it was about being away from men.

***

We talk a lot about trans women’s relationship towards femininity. Every corny movie with a trans femme youth has her trying on makeup, heels, painting her nails. My experience was certainly filled with a lifelong admiration towards girls and women that fluctuated between envy and lust, admiration and resentment. I obsessively loved women and then turned on them when I felt dissatisfied. I convinced myself that relationships needed to be romantic, because I confused the deep desire to consume their bodies, their fashion, their entire being as a sexual impulse rather than one of imitation. I ruined so many friendships this way.

But what we talk about less is how much of my life was spent with masculinity, immersed in it, confused by it, desperate to understand how to embody it. I know some trans women have clarity from a young age that they are girls and it’s just a matter of others accepting it. But that was not my experience. My discomfort with boyhood and attraction to girlhood never seemed like something I could embrace. Instead I felt a pressure and desire to adjust those attractions, to be a boy and then a man to the best of my ability.

I’m fortunate to have a father who is sensitive and kind. I’m also fortunate to have a father who coached my baseball and soccer teams throughout most of my childhood. Sports became something that was undeniably masculine but that I also loved. I may have watched my sister’s dance classes with envy, but I also found genuine pleasure in being on the field, being physical and focused and competitive. It helped that my dad always prioritized sportsmanship, team spirit, and fun over winning. The league recognized this and rewarded him with the absolute worst players they could find. Our team of misfits may have frustrated me at times, but it also allowed me to think of sports as an exercise in empathy rather than a terrifying world of standards and punishments. I wonder now how many other boys on those teams were queer. I know at least one.

My positive experience with sports allowed me to navigate my early childhood fairly unscathed. I was bullied incessantly by other boys (and even some other girls) probably picking up on something about me. And my “crushes” (as I’d wrongly call them) on girls were intense to the point of all-consuming obsession. But my immense discomfort towards masculinity didn’t really start until middle school, until puberty.

I couldn’t figure out what masculinity even was. I knew certain expectations placed on me and felt like they were all terrible. I was supposed to objectify women. That was the most obvious. The grosser I could get when talking about the girls I “liked” the more I’d be accepted. I was also supposed to be aggressive. Physically. I was not supposed to cry. Or show any emotion. It wasn’t enough that I liked sports. I was supposed to only like sports. If someone was my friend that meant they made fun of me in front of our other friends and the proper response was to make fun of them back. Or hit them.

Some of this is just middle school. But a lot of it carried over into high school and beyond. My new friends cared more about theatre than sports, but if you’ve ever watched two 17-year-old boys fight over who gets what part in Julius Caesar you’d realize it’s all the same. *** The summer before I came out, the greatest sequel of all time graced our movie screens: Magic Mike XXL.

This masterpiece of masculinity is a modern-day Old Hollywood musical. Blah blah La La Land blah blah. Go watch On the Town and it becomes clear those musicals are about 1) hot guys, 2) tight pants, 3) great dancing. XXL is pure, sex-positive joy from beginning to end. It abandons the thematic and narrative overwroughtness of the original and makes a new statement: Celebrating female sexuality and non-toxic masculinity is what’s truly radical.

As a lesbian, I’ll leave discussions of the former to others (now that The Toast is gone I’m not sure where Roxane Gay’s review went, it’s really worth hunting down). But as a trans woman, who spent my whole life trying to understand masculinity, this movie was a goddamn revelation. The way the men celebrate women is lovely and sexy and new, but the way they celebrate each other is what really stood out to me.

The men in Magic Mike XXL are masculine. They embody so many of those basic, oversimplified middle school traits I listed above. And yet. It looks good on them. They’re physical, they rag on each other, they trade crude remarks about women. But they also support each other. They discuss their goals and varied interests. They talk out conflicts. Their discussion of women is crude but not objectifying. And they’re comfortable enough in their sexuality and gender to participate in a drag show. Watching XXL, I didn’t feel any closer to masculinity, but for the first time I found it something worth aspiring to. Social pressure was no longer the only thing pushing me towards it, and, as a result, it soon became clear I was never meant to achieve it.

Since coming out, I’ve had the good fortune of befriending some trans men and non-binary individuals who align with certain elements of masculinity and manhood. In these people I tend to see this same sort of Magic Mike XXL version of masculinity. I see it in my dad. I see it in a few cis male friends. I spent my life hating masculinity, but now I see its potential.

***

Last week I went to Thirst Aid Kit’s screening of Magic Mike XXL at the Alamo Drafthouse. Thirst Aid Kit is a podcast hosted by Bim Adewunmi and Nichole Perkins and is really a must-listen if you’re a person who enjoys lusting after men (and if you aren’t it’s still a good time). They provided fake money to throw at the screen and bingo cards with squares like “Mike grabs his crotch.” Cocktails were served throughout and we were encouraged to hoot, wallop, and moan as we saw fit.

It’s been about six years since I sat in that regular movie theatre with my sister cherishing what felt like girl time. And here I was, again in a majority-women space, watching Channing Tatum grind. This time I felt comfortable, and also, finally, relaxed.

As a trans person, I’ve been forced to examine my gender, to wrestle with masculinity and femininity and ultimately decide what elements of both appeal to me and who I personally am. In a time when cis men are feeling increasingly confused about their place in the world, I wonder what might happen if they also had to ponder their identity. I wonder what might happen if they had to reconsider their own definitions of masculinity. I wonder what an all cis straight male screening of Magic Mike XXL might look like and what it might achieve.

Some need to thirst. Others need to learn. This movie does it all. <3

#Magic Mike #Magic Mike XXL #masculinity #toxic masculinity #femininity #trans #transgender #LGBTQIA #Channing Tatum #Steven Soderbergh #Thirst Aid Kit #Alamo Drafthouse #Bim Adewunmi #Nichole Perkins

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