#fucking impossible ofc
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one of my very stupid and very specific little issues (that I don't know if other multilingual people experience) is that sometimes, I can only think of a word that feels perfect for what I want to say, in a language that isn't the one in which i'm currently writing. and it's almost never a word for which I just don't have a translation, or it's not like one of those "untranslatable" expressions/cultural phenomena/whatever, they're just... words. that have a vibe their equivalent in another language doesn't have the same exact way I want it.
like right now, I'm trying to write something in English. I'm trying to describe a character saying something quietly, and tenderly, but my brain is being very helpful by supplying me with only the Spanish phrase "al oído". Which has the perfect feel to it: it's soft, it's round, it essentially means "to the ear" or "by the hearing", and to say something al oído is... kind of to whisper in confidence so softly, that it can barely be heard. The words are more breath than sound, and you're saying it in private, for that specific person's hearing only. But that's just so many words, compared to saying that he whispered his agreement al oído.
or I want to say that someone is "szabadkozik", which is Hungarian for... kind of to make flustered excuses? Not really in a way that's reluctant necessarily, but it is to... kind of faff, and play at reluctance in a manner that may be slightly embarrassed, or just politely playing at embarrassment, being coy? And I could circumscribe it like that, I could say that he's excusing himself coyly or something, but my brain just keeps going "no, that's wrong, he's szabadkozik, you should say that". It's frustrating.
I kind of want to write a piece where I just... let myself code switch as many times as I want to. Just to see what it feels like to let my brain do its thing without trying to contain it. It would be fucking incomprehensible.
#squirrel speaks#and i know this sounds pretentious. i do.#i really do#this is a very specific and very MINOR problem to have#but sometimes someone doesn't whisper something they susurrar#or they're saying something al oído#or sometimes they're not impish or mischievous or conspiratory but hamiskás and cinkos#or not awkward but félszeg#or not destitute but nincstelen; so lacking that they don't even have the concept of nothing#oh NOBODY is fucking understanding me right now lol#it MEANS the same but doesn't FEEL the same do you GET me#.... i had this idea once for an art piece type of a book#which is just a novel but certain chapters and paragraphs are simply written in different languages#and unless you speak the exact same mix the author does or the authors do; there are just parts of it that you don't understand#and it'd not be published in translation anywhere either- people would need to go to forums and stuff#and translate passages amongst themselves; piece the meaning together as a community#it'd be a nice project#fucking impossible ofc#but it would be nice
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btw please block me if you feel the need to gatekeep the queer community. cishet aspecs ARE valid and they ARE queer. the "they don't experience discrimination" argument is possibly the most stupid thing i have ever heard because aspecs experience insane levels discrimination and people are extremely dismissive of them. we our more than our suffering. our community is not yours to gatekeep it isn't fair to invalidate people's queer identities just because you can't fit them in your stupid little box of specific labels.
#like cmon guys its 2024 stop gatekeeping the community we are trying to make people feel SAFE but people are feeling the exact opposite#also like people are perfectly okay (as they should be ofc) with complicated gender identities but when someone's sexuality is complicated?#when someone's sexuality doesnt fit into a specific label or their idea of what queerness 'is'??#people brush it under the rug and dismiss it because its 'uncomfortable' but fuck that actually people can be as complicated as they want#as someone currently questioning whether im aspec this debate is killing me why do people make it so impossible to just let people live#luc posts#queer#aspec#aromantic#asexual#aroace#lgbtq#luc rants
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the latter part of the latest tsv remind anyone else of the premise of that one eskew episode
#I like when romance and/or the family purport to be a happy perfect conclusion but theres something glaringly hollow about it yknow#this episode and the allegra stuff go in kind of opposite directions with hope and unreality ofc. perpendiculars rather than parallels mayb#tsv#the silt verses#op#looking through the transcripts again made me realize dev calls him sebastian instead of seb here.. fucked up!#also it's called a hotel in the stage directions until the very end when C & H get into the car it's 'motel'. significant?#I just like how many angles to the ambiguity there might be. like obviously are they actually still in the rapture and bliss. but also it's#impossible to know what the killing of hope and the new absence of the presence in the motel would have altered if they didnt know it was#there the whole time. seb didnt know he was a priest ..#anyway the eskew transcript for ep 22 is slightly different than what he says in audio and im sad bc I like the audio more. ah well
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logging on to say riize mini album ate 🫡
#siren shaking ass in a firetruck by nct127 manner -> impossible shaking ass cutie sweetily in a shinee adjacent manner -> 9 days BOUNCING#off the walls throwing it in a circle -> honestly floating around on clouds with the FAT fucking bassline. separating soul from body ->#one kiss sparkle effect and sweetheart manner reminds me of ‘let us bad bitches have zico and move on with your shinee ass life’ and ofc#we’re on the side of shinee ass life as if you even need to ask. moving on with my riize ass life <3#anyway!!! back 2 work
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kaiser is in such a terrible state of mind that even the other players are like girl 😭
#bllk#bllk spoilers#bllk manga#//spoilers for the leaks in tags#this is genuinely so interesting to me idk but something abt seeing kaiser so mentally anguished and frustrated that he MISSES AN OPEN SHOT#like this is not a question of his skill no that mf can absolutely make that shot with focus and enough practice#but hes too blindsided by his own frustration and desperation that he fucks himself over#its not even abt isagi anymore i swear this man is having a war with his own ideals bc according to him hes supposed to BEAT THE IMPOSSIBLE#ofc hed shoot for a shot that he has never pulled off before. bc this entire thing is abt him pushing his limitations#but ofc that didnt work and now kaiser is near damn losing his mind#i wonder whats going through noa's head bc yeah kaiser is the most skilled player on the team by far#but whats the point on keeping him on the field if hes too emotionally high to focus or even think logically#like...
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i hate how the cheapest and most filling lunch item i can get at work is the fried deli food. less than $3 to keep me fed for the entire day vs $7-8 sandwich or $6-8 salad
#i only do it once a week but what do i do for the rest of it? $10 total lunch because i get an energy drink too. fucking hell#im so like. not having money. i dont have money to do shit but hey my brother#is opening a bank account today and isnt expected to pay household expenses#and while i knew this would happen it doesnt change the fact that im so fucking resentful about it#and he only has a part time job or whatever but he can use all the money he makes. and doesnt have to use it all on the family#and ofc he's using it more for school expenses whatever but if he doesnt have it? i have to pay anyways??#i have! no savings! and i cant save! because we need all of it!!#im tearing my hair out e_e#mara's shit#sorry for ranting#also i cant 'make my lunch and take it in' bc adhd makes it Literally Impossible
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Oh yeah that’s right other oni characters exist uhhhh Ashkan and Nails Jumpscare
#keese draws#oxygen not included#dylan nails winslow#ashkan seyer ali#the scientists ofc not the dupes#ashkan is my specialist lil boy even if he has literally no dialogue <3#well ok technically he Might but there’s no evidence that he’s any of the unnamed speakers#most of the unnamed speakers in the logs are biologists and while he likely does work with biologists he seems to primarily work in robotics#although considering banhi and how closely she’s been able to work with bubbles it’s not imposs#ible that he could have worked on one of the bioengineering projects#nails is also a bit tricky to pin down because they seem to be a bioengineer but in their personal log they seem to not rly work with any#organisms directly so maybe they’re more akin to a technician idk#but yeah I adore nails their log is like one of my absolute favorites I Adore it#I was going to draw nikola and ellie too but then I remembered that they’re blond and I hate them <3#no no I regrettably adore them I just lost motivation lol#yknow I really wish we had any proper ashkan characterization but we really don’t despite him being mentioned quite a bit by oni standards#unfortunately we only get second hand mentions of him and nothing straight from his mouth#we know jean fucked him over a bit by accident and we know some of his work but that’s abt it#speaking of jean I also adore them I should draw them sometime
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#Don't mind me I just need to vent real quick#Ignore this post by all means#Just feeling anxious af right now#Have barely been able to sleep the last two weeks#Plus I'm feeling even more I'll than usual and it just won't pass#Might be down to lack of sleep ofc#Or stress#Cuz I'm basically stressed 24/7 for no reason#Eitherway my gut keeps telling me something is seriously wrong#Like I'm seriously ill#But ofc I can't tell whether that's just anxiety#My doctor just gives me a shrug whenever I show up there#And getting a therapist in this economy is almost impossible#They don't even put you on waiting lists anymore cuz they're just too long#I wouldn't even know which type of therapy to go for anymore#Cuz my diagnoses are a giant cluster fuck and I don't know what to tackle first#It's just a tad bit overwhelming at times#Sorry#Needed to let this out somewhere real quick#Illness tw#Mental illness tw#nonsims#saviorhide
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can i complain about my life again promise you all won't hate me
#(i know everyone already does most likely so i'll do it and just feel bad about it but)#it's not that i don't love my family and i'm not happy to go back home to have dinner w them and all but#god after like 3 hours i'm already exhausted#i feel bad about it but they're just SO exhausting and this house is SO suffocating#i did it i left i did it. why do i still feel trapped#quite literally can't even stomach watching football rn bc i just wanna sit in the dark under my blanket and fucking. idk. cry maybe#and it makes it all so much worse that it's so painfully obvious my mum is tired and probably sad and surely fed up w my father (and my#brother to a lesser extent)#every time i come home i just wanna say sorry. sorry i left you. sorry you're alone. you're not alone but you're alone against the world#and she dismisses my worrying bc ofc she does and i do the same with her worries we've played this dance all our lives#it's just. how do you let someone worry about you when you both know there's nothing you can do to make it better#when you both know the source of the misery and exhaustion is inescapable#god i wish it was. like. i wish this was a movie. where people actually help you in these situations. where there isn't that BIG big big#obstacle that feels wrong to even call an obstacle but it will always forever make it impossible to do anything about the problem#i wish the people who said they'd help gave even half a shit and actually did (it was their fucking job)#going from sad to angry to hopeless to exhausted every 4 seconds i'm so#the thing is i'm not gonna stop coming back home you know? i'm not i can't#i don't even want to#but i wish it wasn't so fucking soul crushing every time bc i don't wanna keep having tiring tiring weeks#and then go back home on weekends and feel the opposite of rested#ok. i should shut up. sorry. i really don't know why i'm even alive atm#delete later#i never remember to delete these (when i remember to tag them in the first place)
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i just remembered that theory going around on tiktok for a while about how the ✨christian myth✨ of adam and eve CAME FROM nordic myths and everyone was like "OMG NO WAY THATS CRAZY I CANT BELIEVE THEY DONT TEACH US THIS IN SCHOOL"
and now i'm annoyed all over again. i don't think common sense is very common.
#the CHRISTIAN MYTH.......#the amount of ppl that just do not comprehend that the tanakh is older than christianity is actually insane to me#like yes.... christianity came long after the norse gods. judaism did not. shut up for the love of fuck#like ah yes this ancient semitic culture with direct ties to older semitic religions where they got those myths#for SURE stole the idea of important apples from the white people thousands of miles away from them#kill yourself.#IT WASNT EVEN AN APPLE IN HEBREW IT'S JUST A COMMON IMAGERY THAT CAME PRIMARILY OUT OF CHRISTIANITY#AND SPECIFICALLY *THAT* MAY HAVE BEEN DUE TO CONTACT W NORDIC RELIGION#i just. not to rant i'm so sorry but it's so impossibly ignorant and the dude showed up on my fyp again and i got mad all over again#and ofc he's showing up w more stupid ass theories
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I think one of my fav fics had Jason like loving his mom deeply right- but also had him being like , that was not a good place for a child and she made some mistakes but she loved me and I love her ,
Cause like that’s what growing up is.. seeing your parents as humans ya? (Plus it paralleled his relationship with Bruce and stuff v good)
YES! EXACTLY!! everyday I'm.begging dc stans to understand imperfect parents shouldn't equate bad parents.
#ofc i know Catherine made mistakes but for me it's so disheartening to think abt bc I KNOW its so rooted into apathy for drug addicts#you can absolutely feel pain for jason due to his environment while understanding catherine:#a) did not have the resources nor the help to do something abt it due to the corruption in gotham making it impossible for poverty striken#neighbours to better itself. b) she died before she COULD#not to mention the outside influences jason CANONICALLY hated more than any drug. you can also acknowledge all the good sacrifices and love#and effort she made for him. trying to give him something in a system where they're NOTHING.#catherine was jason's batman before bruce#and in addition to that-- im kinda tired with dc stans rejecting any parental figure thats not cutter cookie perfect#you wont fucking get that in dc#asks
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carsitter
#shattered my phone screen now every photo has shards of refracted light over my face#will finally be chopping off my hair in a few days after such a long spell of being too messed up and depressed to take care of it#hasn't been this long since i was a kid#it's so scraggly#my body dysmorphia makes it next to impossible to register what i look like these days though#which is why i'm scared to post these but i'm doing it anyway fuck it#i was deer in the headlightsing in that second pic idc if my eyes look offputting and lopsided it's part of my charm.#“and now i'm aaalllll alooone in carsit land my only home”#funny thing about what i was wearing here is the jacket is what i've always referred to as my crash jacket bc it looks so much like the#one james wears except his is a dark brown and has buttons#and then ofc my shirt reminds me of the deep blue pajamas he wears in the airport hospital. etc. i was ballarded out#but then you've got the stargate(esque) glasses and things start getting mixed up#anyway i can't really see myself might delete if i feel too scared about looking like animated roadkill....................................#self#00
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I wish I could convince my family to get a puppy. I need companionship and having a puppy to take care of would be so good for me.
#Eli Speaks#i downloaded and then immediately uninstalled petfinder#i cant do this to myself#cause i know its not gonna happen#a) it's really expensive#and b) my parents (esp my mom) are p adamant about not getting another pet after losing maddie#i know it could me so much good#but ofc i cant really do anything that'll be beneficial to my mental health and life...#like i said yesterday#i just want a friend#and i know my parents would love it if we got a puppy#but convincing them would be an uphill battle#esp since i plan on moving back to ny#cause id want to be responsible for this dog#but moving 1000+ miles with a dog (and finding a place that allows dogs) is gonna be a whole thing#it's not impossible#but it def makes things harder#why is anything that can make me even a little happy so fucking hard
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The way I'm sending my doctor into some kind of medical knowledge crisis is almost hilarious. She is so absolutely torn because her medical knowledge says 'it's impossible for you to have gallstones' while her medical knowledge is also telling her this patient has every single symptom of having developed gallstones.
She tells me 'you have no risk factors and can't have gallstones, however I'm now having to send you for scans to check your gallbladder' and the absolute torn look in her eyes as she questions everything she knows makes me feel powerful.
I must commend her though because anytime I rock up to a doctors office and they think its impossible for me to have something it takes years for them to do anything about it. I met this woman once, she barely touched my abdomen before having a medical knowledge crisis and ran every test she could to rule out gallstones, ended up ruling out every single other option she had and went well you can't have gallstones but you need the scans for them.
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Asks for the Random Character Asks
Marigold: 12, 13, 15
(for this ask game)
12. Crack headcanon
The reason she has so many flowers in her mane is because she fucked up with a transmutation early on and rooted them in there and her mentor Didn't Help At All so now they're just stuck in there as a permanent part of her body.
15. Worst thing they've ever done
As previously mentioned, "worst thing they've ever done" is ridiculously hard to define and extremely subjective at best. For Marigold specifically, it's even harder to define than most. She... doesn't do really things directly, after all.
She's a catalyst, and though she acts to make the situation immediately worse, she generally has little interference beyond that. She's an observer, not a direct actor, she's an alchemist, not a poison-brewer - part of what makes her so difficult to pin down and immune to consequence is that unless it's to gather test subjects for raw field data, she's almost certainly just... not acting directly. There's a medium. An in-between. A client, somewhere along the line, asking for her charms.
Though the "what they would think of when asked the question" question might work under normal circumstances, Marigold is an exception to the rule - as previously mentioned, she would not personally consider any of her actions to be immoral. She's done things that weren't amazing, of course, but it's not like she'd consider herself a bad person - just someone with professional pride. You wouldn't expect her to offer a subpar product to a customer, would you?
Beyond that, there's the issue of pinning down a single individual case. Marigold isn't a... "one and done" kind of villain, she gains the sort of status she has from low-profile but consistent evils. She doesn't do anything obvious, she doesn't do anything that can be pinned on her - people disappear, and monsters turn up after, and if they're especially valuable or they survive the period it takes for the transmutation to settle in their bones, she'll trap them somewhere to harvest for more transmutation-fuelling parts later.
That, of course, could be considered a "worst" - but it's still not one single thing you can point to. It's dozens and dozens of things, spread out over years of activity, people who mysteriously vanish off the streets and never turn up again. There is no single monolith of evil that can be pointed to, because Marigold isn't the kind of evil that does big gestures like that. Just... a slow, steady flow of charms into hands that do harm with them, combined with a slow, steady flow of people who leave their homes and don't come back.
...if we had to choose it would probably be something along the lines of experimenting on prisoners provided via negotiations with criminal factions and then bargaining with the factions those prisoners were taken from to sell them back already transmuted into monstrous forms and entirely incapable of resuming their previous lives. She got paid by both sides for it, both for developing specified new strains of transmutative on the prisoners and for returning them to their original faction. The client didn't specify what to do with them after they'd served their purpose, after all.
13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done
Well! This one's very nearly a Story.
A fun fact about charms: they're not always perfectly consistent, especially if you're making new ones. That's why you test them before applying them to paying customers. That's why you take a constant flow of people unlikely to be missed for experiments. That's why you do experiments in the first place. If something goes wrong, then you need to know what to fix it, and if an unexpected variable throws the experiment-
Well. It could go very, very wrong, or very, very right. But you never turn your back on the experiment. You never assume you know what will happen next until it's good and tested, you never assume things will work out until you're 100% sure, you never assume that nothing can possible go wrong - Marigold knows this, of course, and she acts accordingly. Lab safety is a priority, not an afterthought. When the things you're working with might kill you if it breaks containment, you never leave things up to chance. It's simple safety precautions. Nothing ever up to chance. Nothing ever allowed to fail. And if anything were to fail - well, you being on-hand gives the best possible chance of getting things back under control.
And then, of course, someone comes calling at the door. You're too early into the experiment to excuse watching it as a delay, of course, and you know they know you're home - you mentioned you'd be home just the other day, after all. Reputation is valuable, and the monitoring built into the cage will work just as well, won't it? It might need a few more trials, but you can't really afford to be rude, and you especially can't afford them coming to find you - these parts of your lab are blocked off to guests for a reason, and you can't simply disappear a guest to your house.
Surely, it won't do any harm to leave it for just a few minutes. Surely, it'll mean nothing to leave the transmutation to finish unattended. You return back downstairs not more than five minutes after you left, ready to finish what you started.
The cage is open.
#asks#ask games#ocs#marigold#we speak#she survived ofc but it was very dumb and she nearly died doing it#debatably you could also say “dealing with known moth traffickers” was her dumbest move#or “dealing with people known to stab people in the back”#or a great deal of her criminal dealings actually#but like. this works better because the rarity of her craft means she actually has a decent protective buffer#simply in the fact that she's the only person who can do the job she's doing and it's impossible to Just Replace Her#and has enough connections that she can afford to be dealing-to-all-parties neutral because killing her would piss off Everyone Else#it pays to be the only supplier of a limited resource and it Especially pays when its an artisan thing and can't be competently reproduced#it takes years of apprenticeship to make a charmsmith and even that won't guarantee the same specialty#marigold herself couldn't make her old mentor's works if she tried simply because inanimate transmutation doesn't click with her#and her former apprentice's area of specialty with medical charmcraft doesn't overlap much with either of them#anyways. very normal moth. she is morally grounded and normal.#every time we say anything about marigold assume it can be summed up with “yea its fucked up”#shes very. fine
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girly.....my classmates sometimes....
#organizing the expo w a classmate n girlypop#me saying that maybe just seeing if theres stuff that is impossible to expose in the way the person wants is good to figure out beforehand#so the artist mifht still have time to change it up#n she goes 'yea ofc but something that happens in the space should happen in the space :)'#GIRL I DONT WANNA FIGHT DURING THE TWO MEASILY DAYS WE HAVE STFU LETS USE OUR POWER N FUCKING TELL PEOPLE TO GO SMALLER WHILE#THEY STILL HAVE TIME TO CHANGE ITTTT#one message in this gc and I'm already annoyed looking forward to the remainder of this organizational process#kyle.txt
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