#from an early age I was made aware I just. Do not pay attention to my surroundings
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I get very clumsy when I'm flustered.
Like in general I am not a graceful person but when I'm nervous or distracted by someone or something, suddenly I cannot function.
One time as I was talking to a friend/ potential crush, I tripped over a large curb and hit the ground so hard a nearby woman screamed like she'd just watched me die.
I've backed into tables, slipped in ways that I never thought were physically possible, and generally just seem so much more prone to disaster. I think I just don't have very keen reflexes so that much of my attention taken away from the environment is damn near hazardous.
I haven't broken a bone but if I ever fall in love that's probably what's gonna do it
#clumsy#crushes#social situations#flirting#does anyone else have this problem#from an early age I was made aware I just. Do not pay attention to my surroundings#and I've gotten better I think#but apparently it's still something that requires background attention#that is NOT available when I'm focused on a pretty/nice person
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Barracks Bunny
COLLAB WITH @ace-of-spadez GO FOLLOW!!!
POV: You're a barracks bunny and didn't think the Colonel knew.
König x bb!reader
CW: (Part 1) Age difference (König early 40's, reader mid 20's), sparring ig. (Part 2) Size difference, size kink, authority kink, breath play, overstimulation, choking, over-the-desk, public but also not public, multiple rounds, hair pulling, fingering, cunnilingus, headboard banging, creampie, biting, marking, etc.
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You were going on the third week in your new base. Kortac. It was mid afternoon and you were making your rounds. Your evenly paced steps created tiny clicks on the hard floor, ringing out in the relative silence. A shout could be heard every once in a while from every other training room, usually someone being berated and called a maggot. This place was no boot camp, but they strictly kept up with training to whip everyone into shape. You yourself could’ve used the extra cardio, but instead you’re on your way to put bullets in walls.
You turned a sharp corner and took only a few steps, your eyes rested on the shadow of a lonely recruit sitting solemnly by himself, with only the open broom closet across the hall to illuminate his face.. You made an abrupt stop and tilted your head slightly. Your voice cut sharply into the stale air, “Soldier, is there a reason you aren't at your station right now?”
The man’s head abruptly shoots up in your direction, eyeing you incredulously as he rises to his feet quickly straightening his posture. “What’s it to ya?” The corner of his mouth twitching into a smirk. The soldier takes a few steps closer coming into the light of the main room, showing a rather rugged man but also well-kept.
“Sarg was taking roll and sent me to seek out the stragglers.” You gave him a knowing look, already aware of the soldiers that were missing in training. You stood up straight and took a step back as the lone soldier finally entered the hall and stood over you with a strange glint in his eyes. You knew that look all too well, he wanted something. Although that ‘something’ was not clear, you had an inkling of what it was. As soon as that feeling appeared, it disappeared just as quick.
“How can you be certain that my name is on that list? I could outrank you for all your knowledge.” He grinned slyly as he folded his arms across his chest.
“Your name soldier.” You stood your ground as you looked at him, unmoving. As your conversation goes on, you’re both unaware of the new looming presence a few feet down the hall behind a cracked door.
He gave you a quick glance up and down, already aware of your position as a barracks bunny. One of his fellow companions had leaked that little detail the other night at meal time. “The name’s Marshall Matthers. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His voiced dripped sensually. “Although I may know you more than you think.” Matthers unfolded his gear clad arms and shrugged with a smile.
You shifted your weight onto one foot and crossed your arms, lifting a brow in question. You should be telling him to get back to training, as informed to do. “And what, Private Matthers, do you mean by that?” Taking a firm step forwards looking at him quizzically. A small squeak of a door could be heard by someone that was paying attention.
“It could mean whatever you want honey.” Matthers responded. You could tell what he was hinting at, his tone being more obvious than storm clouds in the sky.
A hint of a smirk crossed your lips as he spoke. You cocked an eyebrow up at him and you gathered your composure to stop yourself from telling him off. You go to speak when you notice the man’s face in front of you drain of any and all color. His eyes go wide and he immediately looks back to you, apologizes and practically sprints down the hall to his designated training room, suddenly more interested in being berated than teasing you more. Your brows furl in confusion, mouth frozen in position as the words died on your tongue.
A looming presence behind you sends chills up your spine and anxiety coursing through your veins. You take a step forward and slowly turn around, seeing a building of a man staring you down. Is this the nearly seven foot giant that has been whispered about around the base? Theres a lump in your throat as you try to swallow, mouth unbearably dry. You straighten your posture to the best of your abilities, putting a stern look on your face attempting to hide your uncertainty and uneven breath.
An uncomfortable silence falls between the two of you, unsure of what to say. You notice the man looking you up and down, almost sizing you up rather than checking you out. Clearing your throat with a quick, “ahem,” the mountains eyes snap to your face. “And your name soldier?” You try to hide the small waver in your voice, if it had been anyone else you’d think it would go unnoticed, but the man noticed immediately. His eyes crinkle lightly, as if he were smirking under the veil of a t-shirt with two eye holes cut into it.
“Colonel König, ma’am. And you?” he spoke lowly, thick austrian accent catching you off guard. His voice was smooth, slightly higher pitched than what you’d expect from a man of his build. Large broad shoulders, tall and wide stance, muscular arms crossed against his chest, clad in a bulletproof vest and enough gear to fill a tank. You found yourself spaced out, realizing you must have just been staring at him for a good five seconds before being quick to respond.
“My apologies Colonel, I was not made aware of who you are.” Standing about four feet apart, you and König stood, you clearly trying to remain professional while practically shrinking into yourself and him clearly enjoying having so much of an effect on you. “I was simply sent to collect any missing men for training. And now that I have, I will be on my way.” You nod and start to walk away when you hear him call from behind you.
“You don’t happen to be headed to training room C-16, do you?” The question stopped you in your tracks, how could he have known? I mean yes, he is the Colonel and should be aware of all the soldiers ranks and schedules. But the question remained, why would he be asking if he knew?
“That is correct Colonel. Is something the matter?” you ask over your soldier, hoping to avoid the uproar of anxiety you get from making eye contact with him.
“Oh not at all, I am to be assisting with training in your group today. Shall we walk there together?” He took two long strides towards you, bumping his elbow into your shoulder as he passed. Clearly not a request, but a statement. You attempt to keep up with his fast pace, walking in silence with the tower of a man next to you.
As the both of you neared the open training door, you slowed your pace slightly, as to enter behind him. His head peers back over his shoulder for a second before looking straight on. As you step into the full room, everyone's eyes seem to immediately land on the Colonel and then you, trailing in behind him. A few smirks and chuckles could be seen all around. You knew what they were thinking, seeing as your track record is quite widely known amongst the other men.
You walked to the side of the training room, feeling a few eyes still watching intently. König seemed to have realized the thoughts of the soldiers. He stopped in the center of the room, folding his hands behind his back, observing everyone. He knew of your midnight adventures, hearing about it from other soldiers personal conversations that he eavesdropped on. He decided to shut any ideas down before they could fully formulate. “Alright soldiers! Settle down and pay attention. No need to act like a bunch of idioten the moment one of your female comrades enters the room.”
All of their eyes snapped up and their postures straightened, everyone immediately resuming their work. You however were left standing in thought. Why would he feel the need to stand up for you like that? You two knew next to nothing about the other, much less have enough of a relationship to defend you like he just did. Was it purely just out of respect? Or did he have a underlying reason behind it, a different intent maybe? You’re snapped out of overthinking by a large hand waving in front of your face.
“Welcome back to reality soldier, afraid we lost you for a second there. Everything alright?” König asked calmly. You didn’t know how to respond so you simply just nodded and walked over to a bench to place your stuff down. Although you weren’t yet aware of who your training buddy would be quite yet, you still sat down and quietly began preparing yourself for sparring. Just as you were about get up to ask who you would be partnering with, you feel a tap on your shoulder.
“Looks as if you’ll be working with me today. I was told you are to work on sparring with enemies much larger than you in preparation for an upcoming mission.” Your heart jumps to your throat as you hear König continue. “I will be teaching you some strategies along with what not to do when up against an enemy twice the size of you, if the opportunity were to ever arise.” Frozen in place you begin to panic, how in the hell are you supposed to take down a man like him? He could easily snap you in half in seconds. You could already tell that today was going to be rough.
There was no doubt in your mind that your were strong, hell you would even be proud to announce that you were stronger and more agile than most of the men in the room currently. But König? That was where your confidence slightly faltered. Putting aside your worry, you confidently strided over to the mat, getting into sparring position with a determined look on your face. Across you stood the giant, now barren of his gear and equipment, t-shirt no longer over his face, instead wearing his baklava which he only wore during sparring.
He’s stood straight, hands clasped in front of him and facing the group of fellow soldiers. “May I have everyone’s attention!” He spoke up, instantaneously getting the eyes of all in the room in which he continued. “I will be providing a scenario in which it may be difficult to fight back, I will be showing different moves and maneuvers that you may need to use to your advantage.” All eyes were on you and König, your breathing uneven. Looking back to your sparring partner, you see him getting into position. Before you even have time to react, he has gotten beside you, splaying his arm across the entirety of your chest holding onto your opposite shoulder pushing back; sweeping his foot into the backs of your knees, you fold immediately.
You try to recover quickly, rolling over onto your stomach, attempting to push yourself up off the ground when he places his foot in the center of your back holding you down. He lectures the others on what you could have done in order to avoid this but it all goes in one ear and out the other as the air gets pushed out of your lungs. Finally, you get let back up as you gasp for oxygen, swiftly darting behind König to jump onto his back, locking your legs around his waist and putting him in a chokehold. Everyone looks shocked for an entirety of 2 seconds before you get flung over his shoulder, your back aching as you smash into the ground.
Your eyes opened as you groaned. The sight you are met with is the Colonel’s body looming over yours, looking down, his eyes looked like they were holding a satisfied grin behind them. He reaches his arm out, and you grip onto it, being yanked up quickly onto your feet with your head spinning slightly.
König faced the crowd of soldiers again, his voice cutting into them, “Okay. Now you have seen what not to do when facing a larger opponent. I’ll demonstrate again, but this time I will show what to do, ja?” His eyes looked around, seeing nodding heads as confirmation they were listening. He turned to you, holding his hands up, “Be in a standard defensive position, hands up, covering your stomach and head. The weakest spots.” He started to circle around you, so you moved opposite of him. He was speaking directly to you now, “Use your size to your advantage. You are smaller, so you can move quicker, and be harder to grab. Stay low to the ground, try to throw your opponent off balance.. Think on your feet. And never, ever second guess yourself.”
The second he completed his speech he darted towards you, and you drop like a bag of rocks in order to trip him. He stumbles but stays standing by which you grab his wrist and pull him over you, using the momentum of his rocking. He braces himself and somersaults forward to try and recover but as he goes to sit up, you lock onto him from behind. Your legs around his hips with your ankles crossed, locking his legs together as you wrap your arm around his neck and fall back. König tries to reach back and unlock the chokehold you have him in, when he realizes he can’t he starts to get even more harsh. Thrashing and attempting to retrieve airflow that he doesn’t think to pull your ankles apart, and finally he taps.
You release your hold on him with a triumphant smirk, hearing him gasp for air inflating your confidence ten-fold. Obviously you offered him a hand and asked if he was okay, that’s more important than beating the nearly seven foot giant, that not a single person would ever think to go into a one on one combat with willingly.
He stood with a lighthearted chuckle. He looked down and nodded his head in approval while replying, “Yes, I’m fine. That was good Corporal (L/n), I am more than mildly impressed with your efforts. And thank you for helping with my demonstration.” You stand straight with your head held high, eyes scanning the room, seeing the faces of the soldiers filled with a mix of nervous confusion and impressed anger. To think the only person to have the balls to attempt to take down the brick wall of an intimidating giant would be the one and only 5’6, 140 lb woman in the entire group.
“Alright soldiers, back to work. I want to see each and every one of you working hard. You have 2 hours.” König stated to everyone as he turns to refocus his attention on you. “Corporal (L/n), if you would please come with me, I would like to discuss the mission plans with you in my office.” You felt confused as to why he was asking about this when the mission isn’t for another couple months. However, swallowing down the confusion and putting on a blank face, you give him a curt nod and follow him out of the training room.
“I don’t mean to doubt your knowledge, Colonel, but if I’m not mistaken the mission isn’t until 4 months from now. How is it possible to have all of the information and suspects needed to start formulating plans on something we aren’t certain the future of?” The rhythmic pace of footsteps echoing in the empty barracks hallway. You and König walk side by side and the slow rising and falling of his chest helps to soothe the tension in the air.
To be continued...
I'm not totally sure when the second part will be out but take this for now...
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𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬
Tess Servopoulos x fem!reader
this is a combination of three concepts: no outbreak + Joel is readers father and Tess is his best friend (my take on the dbf thing) + road trip.
AO3
you can find part 2 here
authors note: this started out as just for fun but then it turned into the longest fic I’ve ever written and I ended up really liking it, so wanted to put it out there! I tried to keep it fun and light while also giving the characters depth and heart and I think it ended up being a good mix of the two. it brought me a lot of joy to spend time with this story, it is close to my heart now and I’m proud of it, so I hope you have a good time reading <3
warnings: minors dni. drinking, brief discussion of a strained mother relationship, smut. reader is in her early 20s and Tess is in her early/mid 40s, so obviously a large age gap
word count: 23k
when your father suggested to you that you should drive back home from college with Tess instead of paying for a flight, you thought please god no.
it wasn´t that you had anything against her, you´d never even been introduced, but after the stress of finals and packing up your dorm the last thing you wanted to do was to spend hours and hours trapped in a car with a stranger. the reason that you had never met her even though she was his best friend was that she moved to Boston ages ago and they mostly did their friendship long distance, Joel mostly visited her whenever you were at your grandparents or your mothers place for spring break or the summer. you were aware of her, you knew they were close and had a longstanding friendship, but you had yet to meet her for the first time. now that you weren´t a kid anymore he thought it could be fun, to connect you two, since you were both two of the most important people in his life.
he really tried to sell it to you when he heard a hesitant silence on the other end of the call, going on and on about the beautiful lush nature you could see on the drive, the adventurous nature of it all, the fact that Tess was a very chill person who wouldn´t be overbearing at all, and you could tell from his tone how enthusiastic he was about the idea of having his daughter and his best friend finally getting to know each other, so you masked your initial annoyance and agreed to it, telling yourself that if it was really that bad you could just pretend to fall asleep in the passenger seat for a few hours.
Tess had about the same reaction when he called her to suggest that she should take you with her on her drive down to Texas. she had a thing for road trips, especially during summer, the feeling of an open road with the windows down and hours of nobody to answer to, so she´d told him in advance that she would come by car to visit him, so when he realized that you´d be off school the same week she was planning to come, he thought perfect, Boston is very close to her college town. Tess had no good argument against taking you with her and she knew that she´d be in his good graces afterwards, so she thought fuck it, what´s the worst that could happen? she would come to remember this moment later and think if you only knew.
you could tell that Joel was kind of hoping that Tess might function as a sort of mother figure for you, since you and your mom were anything but close, but what he didn´t realize was that the kind of attention you wanted from women like her was not necessarily the maternal kind, at least not strictly, otherwise he might have thought twice about putting you in a confined space with his good looking friend.
Joel gave you her number and predictably she was not one for long or emotional responses, a short and unembellished “see you at 12.” was all you got from her, no “looking forward to meeting you”, no “see you then!”, which made you wonder whether that was just the way she texted or if she was also kind of reluctant about the whole thing. for some reason it made you feel better to know that she wasn´t the type to be overly excited, nothing would have grated on your nerves more than having to be chipper and talkative the whole drive. something about her being more on the reserved side seemed desirable to you as you made your way downstairs that morning, a little tired and hungover from the farewell party the night before, your head pounding for a moment as you stepped out into the sun.
it took you about five minutes until you reached the side of the road where you´d agreed to meet and the first thing you thought when you spotted her was thank god the car is big. the second thing was she looks much cooler than I expected. of course you´d seen pictures of her but they didn´t do her justice at all; Tess was leaning back against the passenger side door, her arms crossed, her black t-shirt and worn out jeans an effortless but flattering look for her, her stance giving off an air of confidence as the wind blew through her hair. for a moment there you were glad you´d actually bothered to get dressed in a real outfit and not just lounge wear. Tess´s mental image of you was also very different from the reality that she was confronted with, for a moment she didn´t even register that it was you as you came closer because for some reason she´d pictured you much younger, probably due to Joel´s habit of calling you his “babygirl”. the moment she saw you she realized that you were fully grown, not some little girl.
due to that slight confusion she only got up to move towards you once you were only a few feet away, giving her a friendly nod as you already felt sweat collecting at your hairline from the effort of carrying your bags. “hey” you said as you stood there, slightly self conscious as she pushed up her sunglasses to take a good look at you, waiting a second before she said “you´re late.” in a stern tone that took you off guard. you glanced down at your phone “yeah by two minutes...”, suppressing a laugh because you knew that it might not land well. Tess was never the best at first impressions and she realized that she might have come on too strong there, so she pointed at your luggage “here, let me take care of those, you go ahead and get in”, so you handed her everything you´d brought, except for the smaller bag that held your books, water, etc., smiling to yourself and shaking your head as you got into the car, thinking well, this is gonna be interesting.
you tried to find a casual way to sit as she got in on the other side and rested her hands on her thighs before turning to you.“so. here´s the plan” she started, before going on to lay out your next 30 hours or so, she kept it brief, telling you which states you´d have to pass through, including an overnight stay somewhere in Tennessee if she had calculated the amount of miles you could manage in a day right. you just nodded along, adding the occasional “sounds good”, not giving her any trouble, before she started the car. you tried to butter her up a little then “thank you for doing this by the way. I know you probably would´ve preferred to do it on your own so.. yeah I appreciate the ride, really, it beats having to get up at 3am to go to the airport”, she could tell that you were a little worried about being a nuisance so she softened her tone a little, “oh it´s fine, really, besides I think he also had to do some convincing to get you to agree to this huh?” you laughed then, “I mean, a little yeah.”. she looked good driving, competent, you suddenly felt relaxed as you got comfortable in the passenger seat, rolled the window down a little, and started chatting with her about the surface level stuff that strangers always had to get out of the way when trying to get to know each other.
she asked about college, about classes, how you lived, roommates all that, you asked her about her job, her apartment, what she does on weekends, but after a while you both felt the other one getting bored so it turned a little more personal, you asked her “so, remind me how did you and my dad meet again? I´m sure he´s told me before but I forgot”. she thought for a moment, you just looked at her from the side, enjoying the draft of the wind that was cooling you down in the midday heat, “well, I think it was the second year of college. oh yeah I remember now, we were both at this awful party, like truly not the crowd any of us would have usually hung with, and we ended up in the garden smoking while things were escalating inside. I think we were both just glad to meet a somewhat sane person we could sit in silence with for a moment so yeah, guess that was that, we hung out a lot after that”, you nodded, smiling at the idea of them around your age.
“well from what I´ve witnessed I think you´re a good friend to him. really helped him a lot when things were.. you know not great back then after the divorce and all that. maybe I benefitted too from that, him being more stable thanks to your support” she shook her head “okay you´re giving me too much credit there I think. but yeah I remember, it was a tough time. you were too young to remember much right?”, she seemed genuinely interested then, leaning over a little while glancing back and forth between the road and your face, “yeah I just remember bits and pieces. but you know, things got better for sure, seems like a distant memory now to be honest” she was glad to hear that, “yeah, from what I´ve heard you two did make a good duo” she´d heard endless praise from him, always calling you his angel to a point of her getting tired of it at times.
by that point of the drive you were already outside of city limits, on the highway, so for a few minutes you both sat there in silence until you tried to prop your legs up on the dashboard. she immediately shoved your knee to signal for you to take them down “oh no absolutely not”, “what? why??” you protested, “you would snap in fucking half if I made an abrupt stop right now with you sitting like that, and I plan on delivering you in once piece, so legs down, now”. reluctantly you put them down again, groaning a little, rubbing your temples yet again, you´d done this motion a few times before, and it dawned on her then what your issue was, “late night hm?” you didn´t laugh, “yes.” your tone indicating that you were regretting it, and Tess felt herself warming up to you then, knowing that you weren´t some sheltered miss perfect, but someone who would do something reckless like partying before two days of travel.
“you need an aspirin or something?” she said, a slightly condescending touch to it, which made you perk up and prove to her that you were doing just fine, “I´m good, thanks” you turned off the radio because the song was getting on your nerves, some awful pop tune you´d heard one too many times, “god I hate that fucking song.” you got an idea, “do you have an aux?”, she eyed you from the side, “well depends on what you´re gonna play”, you cocked your head, in a way that said really?, so she grinned and reached down to hand it to you, “here, let´s see what you got”. you took the challenge, scrolling through your playlists for a moment, “I think a road trip calls for some oldies, what do you want, something fun or something serious?” she thought of it, “I think fun is better, something upbeat would do you some good I think” teasing you a little, “right okay, I got it”, you put on one of your favorite songs from a 90s band, the one you always went for when you needed to feel energized and hopeful, you waited for her reaction to see if she knew the song, “you´ve never heard this one??” you said, a little incredulous, the first verse was still building up as she shook her head “no”. “damn, what were you doing in the late 90s?” she answered a little dramatically “jeez I don´t know, getting stoned, being stupid?”, you smiled, enjoying the feeling of messing with her, “well clearly, otherwise you wouldn´t have let this pass you by” , “how about you save the jokes and we just listen huh”, Tess said while pulling her sunglasses down to her nose again, so you stopped talking and turned up the volume, setting down the phone before rolling your window down all the way, the rush of air giving adding to the intense vibe of the song.
after a second you forgot about her and closed your eyes, getting into the familiar groove of the song, even better on loud car stereos, holding your arm out of the window and resting your head on your shoulder, feeling the wind between your fingers, moving your hand up and down in a wave like motion as you mouthed along to the lyrics you knew by heart. it was a moment of you fully losing all concept of time and space and it felt great, Tess tried to keep her eyes forward but she kept looking over at you, the sight was endearing to her, it looked straight out of a vintage photography book, all those shots of young people sticking their heads out of cars to feel a sense of freedom, of adventure, your lips forming the words she was hearing, the song much better than she expected, very close to the kind of stuff she´d put on. after a moment she forced herself to look away from you and the moment she realized that she had to muster up willpower to do it her whole body ran cold as she thought fuck. no, not her. she tried to recover but at her core she knew it was too late, something about you was getting to her, and it was getting worse by the second.
once the song was over you opened your eyes and sat upright in your seat again, looking at her, waiting for her to speak, she nodded in approval “yeah that was good”, “well I´ve got more where that came from” you announced while adding a few songs to a playlist, so the next hour or so you both mostly talked about music, she recognized one song you´d picked and told a story about a concert she´d been to where that exact one was also played, it made her feel good to see your eyes light up as she recalled the story, she liked being able to impress you with something and over the course of that hour you grew increasingly comfortable with each other, laughing more freely, making darker jokes, in general acting more the way you would with a friend. while a slower song was playing, you looked at her, not too obviously, and had a similar feeling to the one she´d had before; you caught yourself admiring the way her bare arms looked holding the steering wheel, her skin already slightly tan from the weeks of good weather before, the way her her hair fell down her shoulders, a few lighter strands shimmering whenever the sun hit them, you caught yourself anxiously checking how you looked in the side mirror and thought fuck. this is how I act when I am into someone. you tried to deny it for a moment but it was clear that you were starting to care what she thought of you, including your physique.
after a while she saw that you were battling fatigue and told you that you could rest if you wanted, so you did, using the sweater you had packed as a makeshift pillow squeezed between your shoulder and the window. for another hour or so she drove you two further into the country while you dozed off a few times but never really fell asleep, it was peaceful state to be in and she enjoyed the feeling of watching over you in a way, glancing over every now and then to make sure you still looked relaxed.
around 2pm you were startled out of your state of half sleep by the buzz of your phone and as you looked at with tired eyes you let out an audible “fuck no.. ughh”. Tess was amused by that reaction, “what? crazy ex or something?” you shook your head, not even cracking a smile at the joke because your heart was racing all of a sudden, “no I wish… it´s my mom.”. Tess had heard enough from Joel over the years to know that you and your mom weren´t exactly best friends, and for good reason. as his confidant she knew the whole story, that she´d left Joel for another man when you were around 4 to move to another state with him, that Joel got custody, which meant that you mostly saw her whenever you were off from school. she looked at you as you stared at the phone, deciding what to do, “you gonna answer or?”, you seemed panicked, “I don´t know”, “go on and answer, you can give me a sign if you wanna hang up and I will find a reason, okay?”, you gave her a look that said thank you as you picked up.
it wasn´t anything crazy, your mom was asking about your plans for the summer, if you´d come visit, how you were doing, but the way you were speaking was almost heartbreaking to Tess, it shocked her a little how your voice changed once you started talking to her, you sounded depressed almost, you spoke slower and with much less feeling, like you were putting up a mental barrier between yourself and her. thankfully the call only lasted a few minutes but it still left you feeling deflated as you put your phone down and sighed, Tess gave you a moment to relax before asking, “so, how are things with her?”, you shook your head, trying not to let it get to you, but the few times a month she called were always unnerving to you. “god I don´t know. it´s complicated”, Tess nodded, staring ahead, “I´m listening” something told her that it was a good idea to make you get it off your chest, so you tried to find a way to phrase it “it´s just.. when I was younger I stopped visiting her during summer when I was around 14 because she started accusing me of favoring dad, which is insane because of course I am closer to the parent I live with? so we kind of drifted apart, she never apologized or anything that went down and I was honestly fine with it just being dad and I. but then when I started college, all of a sudden she acted like nothing ever happened and tried to be all caring, asking me to come to her place more. but honestly, I don´t need all that anymore, I´m grown, I´m good without her. but I don´t know.. .” Tess took it in, “sounded to me like you really didn´t wanna take her up on that offer to visit in a few weeks”, you shook your head, “yeah I don´t wanna go, at all. but I guess I should”. Tess considered it, “I mean, you don´t have to. you can say no. after everything you went through, I think you don´t owe her shit”, that took you by surprise, it got to you, hearing someone put it that way, after being guilt tripped by your mom quite a few times over the years, “if you say so” you said, trying to internalize it, Tess nodded reassuringly as she stopped looking at the road for a moment and turned to you, “I am saying so, yes.”, a faint smile on your face then, which was relieving for her to see.
about fifteen minutes later you could feel yourself getting a little dizzy and tried to breathe through it but Tess noticed, you´d gotten suspiciously quiet “hey, you good?” she asked, resting her hand on your shoulder for a moment, which did soothe you a little, the feeling of her fingers on your skin, “yeah I just get a little car sick sometimes, but it´s fine”, “okay let´s stop at the next gas station and get something to drink, maybe move around a little to get your blood flowing again, alright?” you nodded, “okay”, a light squeeze on your arm from her before she let go of you, leaving your skin tingling where she´d made contact, you found yourself wishing you could ask her for a hug once you were out of the car and told yourself to get a grip already.
once she pulled into the parking lot of the gas station you moved to get out but she told you to wait, quickly walking around the car to open the door for you and offering a hand to help you up, an almost shy smile on your face as you let her do all that, “thanks” you said as you stood up next to her, straightening out your clothes and stretching your legs while looking around as she did too.“we really are in the middle of nowhere huh” you said as you looked at the fields around you that were only interrupted by a few small farms in the distance, “hm, looks like it” but both of you took some comfort in feeling like you were far away from your usual life, completely out of reach. “okay let´s go” she said, motioning for you to follow her. once you were inside you saw a bored looking girl around your age busy on her phone at the register and about a hundred different drinks to choose from in the fridges, as you both scanned the various labels you agreed that a classic coke was probably a good idea, so you reached in and grabbed two, “we´ll need some water too” she said as she walked away from you for a moment to get some while you briefly scanned the bars of chocolate and candy, debating whether you should get some but ultimately deciding against it.“here let me go check out, I´ll join you in a sec” she said pointing at a bench outside of the store, urging you to go get some fresh air and shake off the feeling of dizziness that was still somewhat messing with you.
you walked outside, taking in the air, a distinct smell of dry grass and dust, no noise at all except for the occasional car passing by. you sat down on the wooden bench and took some deep breaths as you felt your head getting clearer and your heartbeat becoming steadier again. once you heard the door slamming you perked up, watching Tess as she made her way over and flopped down next to you, handing you your coke, your water, and finally, dropping something in your lap that you couldn´t identify at first before picking it up: it was the exact brand of chocolate you had looked at before. apparently your eyes had lingered just long enough for her to see and as you looked down at the golden packaging you realized that she was admitting something to you in a way: the fact that she was paying close attention; someone else might have just written it off as a friendly gesture, but to you it seemed a little deeper than that, perhaps because you wanted it to be. you smiled at her sheepishly as she took a big sip of her coke, “thank you” you said, your tone all sweet, but she waved it off, not wanting any praise for it,“drink” she instructed, “and not just a sip, at least half that bottle, we need you fit again”, you nodded, taking the order, gulping down a good amount of the ice cold beverage, which did make you feel more energized immediately. for a second you both just sat there soaking up the sun, you weren´t facing her but your attention still went in her direction, the way she was sitting, relaxed and not afraid to take up space, the space between her jeans and shirt revealing a hint of her skin that made your cheeks feel hot, so you tried hard to look at other things, the perfect empty sky, the red truck that was passing by, the field across the road, anything but her, you knew by then how attentive she was, how little it would take to give yourself away.
after a while she leaned forward as she pointed into the distance, “look, those are horses I think, right?”, you squinted your eyes, “oh yeah that´s cool, it´s been ages since I´ve seen one. or ridden one for that matter. I kinda miss it sometimes.”. she turned her head and eyed you, saving the suggestive riding jokes she could´ve come up with in that moment, “you really are a Texas girl huh?” you smiled at her, “well, in that regard I guess. but other than that not so much..” she raised her eyebrows, “no?”, you shook your head, uncrossing your legs to sit more comfortably, blissfully unaware of her trying not to stare at your thighs, “no. I mean, do I strike you as the southern belle type?...” she looked you up and down, “hm, no guess not.” a grin from her then as she thought about how you definitely weren´t what she had expected. you were charming her without even trying hard and it was beyond whatever she had envisioned before, having fun was not what Tess had allowed herself to hope for when she agreed to take you with her, but there she was, a few hours into knowing you, already completely won over, the initial skepsis nowhere to be found.
for a second she completely forgot who your father was and felt the way she used to feel when she was hanging out with a girl she had a thing for, that slight buzz of adrenaline that tinged every interaction, the warmth in her chest, something passed between you for a moment, a silence that was a little too long and comfortable for it to mean nothing. you both could have stayed for longer but you still had a good few hours of driving ahead of you, so Tess clapped her hands together “alright, let´s go. you feel better right?”, you nodded emphatically as you stood up in unison with her, “yeah much better!”. she led the way and smiled to herself as she got back into the car, pretty certain at that point that you shared her feeling of this is much nicer than I expected.
once you were back on the road the energy shifted yet again, it was like there was an invisible barrier between you both that was breaking down by the minute, in some ways you were still feeling each other out, but in others you already felt like old friends, something was in the air, a sense of familiarity, even though neither of you had revealed anything too personal yet, there was an unspoken connection, the kind of thing that´s hard to put into words, a sense of I have a good guess who this person is deep down because I am similar.
as you were getting further South you came across some of the insane Christian billboards that were very familiar to you, huge banners you could read from far away that said things about the rapture and repenting, one particular one you saw that afternoon made you laugh, so Tess asked “what is it?”, you read it out loud for her “Heaven or Hell, which one will it be?”, a cheap graphic design of fire and clouds making it campy almost, Tess smiled, “wow, right to the point huh?”, you leaned over then, looking up at her with a challenging grin. “so, what will it be for you?”, she briefly glanced over at you, wondering if you were actually asking her or just fucking around, “well I highly doubt any god would let me into heaven so. I´ll burn I guess” a dry way of delivering it, no laugh to accompany it, which intrigued you then, “oh yeah? what makes you say that?”, she could tell you were daring her to tell you something juicy but she just shook her head, staring forward, “you really think I´ll just confess my sins to my friend´s daughter?”, you leaned back into your seat then, crossing your arms, sulking a little “oh come on, I am more than that. I can keep a secret you know” she nodded, not unaware of the slightly lascivious tone you used for that last part of your statement, “I bet you can. maybe ask me again after I´ve had a drink or two”, that sounded better to you, “alright, I will”.
she took her right hand off the steering wheel and turned to face you for a moment, reaching for the golden cross necklace that was dangling a few inches above your chest, taking the pendant between her fingers, the sudden unexpected intimacy of it making your face flush, “you´ll have an easier time getting in I suppose”, you had to recover for a second after she let go and drove with both hands again, “this is just for aesthetic purposes. I don´t think I am a good candidate for heaven either”, she didn´t buy it, “really? what have you done in your young years that is so unforgivable?”, you shrugged, imitating her previous answer, “you think I´ll just confess my sins to my father´s friend?”. touché she thought, “right, I´ll just have to use my imagination then”, her voice low enough as she said it to worsen the heat you´d already felt because of her, so you pulled down the window further and tried to cool down while she kept thinking about what you´d said, because for some reason she could tell that you weren´t bluffing, that there was a potential for danger in you. a sense of guilt washed over her as she thought of you like that, like a temptress of some sort, you weren´t doing anything wrong, it was her own issue that she couldn´t get her mind out of the gutter, she knew this, but it was hard, for so long Tess had spent her days in a dull haze of boredom and apathy, so any hint of euphoria and excitement pulled her closer like a moth to flame, and as much as she told herself that she´d get burned if she wasn´t careful, she couldn´t deny that part of her wanted the pain, the ache of doing something wrong. for a second, as she kept driving, the sign, your necklace, the imagery of transgression and possible punishment for it felt like an ominous warning from some higher power, like something was telling her you´re going into dangerous territory, you´re losing sight of what´s right. you´re gonna reach a point of no return if you go down this road.
thankfully there was enough scenery around to distract herself with, so for a while you both just watched the endless stretch of land that reached til the horizon until you agreed to find a place to stop and eat a proper meal, since it was already afternoon and you´d hardly eaten more than a few snacks here and there. you were in no place to be picky so you settled on a diner that had fairly enthusiastic reviews online and to your surprise the spot where it was located was beautiful, a few stores in the middle of nowhere surrounded by lush greenery, a white church and a few houses in the distance down the road. during the meal neither of you talked much because you were truly starved, sitting there across from each other in a cherry-colored booth, switching between devouring your food and downing multiple glasses of sweet tea, since the place was relying only on a small rusty fan to get some fresh air flowing. there was something deeply carnal about that moment, your tired and slightly overheated bodies getting a sudden rush of endorphins from the generously iced drinks and salty comfort food, the thick heavy air of the day hanging around you, you were both completely reduced to your senses and the moment almost had a dreamlike quality, something out of a film.
neither of you were particularly bothered about eating in a clean manner, so you caught glimpses of the other person wiping their mouth against the back of their bare arm and it was a sight you couldn´t help but enjoy, seeing each other uninhibited in a way, watching someone indulging in a meal like that was not entirely devoid of eroticism: your lips glistening from the oil, your tongues licking up the juice that was left on them, deep breaths after particularly large bites. after you were done you both just sat there for a moment, before grinning at each other “god I needed that…” you said, running your hands through your hair while exhaling,“yeah I could tell”, she teased, you shoved her arm then “um excuse me, you also didn´t hold back there, miss”, she suppressed a grin and leaned back, closing her eyes for a moment, soaking up the last few moments of doing nothing before continuing the drive.
she told you that you could go wait outside if you wanted, after she got you to quit offering to pay and pushed you towards the door as she went to get the bill, so you stepped outside and took a look around, your attention immediately caught by a patch of wildflowers nearby. once you knelt down to run your fingers through the grass, admiring them from up close, you felt compelled to pick a few, so you were too lost in thought to realize when Tess came outside and approached you. she stood behind you and watched for a moment, endeared by the sight of you carefully choosing certain kinds of flowers, eventually speaking up “well isn´t that just sweet”, a clear hint of irony in there, a smugness to her expression as you turned your neck to look up at her. “oh fuck off, you don´t like flowers?”, she was standing with her hands in her back pockets, almost cocky the way she was eyeing you, “sure I do, but maybe not enough to do all that”, you turned back around then to finish the little bouquet you´d started, “or maybe you just know that your knees would give in if you tried to crouch down like this for more than a minute”, you felt a light shove to your back then, her shoe giving you a push forward that almost made you lose balance, “no I think my knees work just fine”, she said as you shook your head but secretly enjoyed it. “might wanna add some yellow to that” she said as she got down next to you and ripped a few honey colored flowers and placed them in your open palm “can´t just be blue and purple”, you smiled at her then, both of you still kneeling, “didn´t think you´d be the one to have an opinion on color palettes” you remarked as she got up again, brushing some dirt off her pants,“well, there´s a lot you don´t know about me”, you got up too then, tying the flowers together with a few pieces of grass. “I know. it´s not easy getting information out of you”, you said as you both walked to the car again, a carefree nature to the way you were skipping down the street behind her, revived from the meal, she considered it “you´ve got a point, I´m not a very open person I guess”, you smiled, “well, we still have a day, we can work on that” she laughed, “so you´re trying to fix me now?”, you looked at her from across the car as you both stood in front of your sides of it, waiting a second before getting in,“no, just trying to figure you out”, an earnestness to that statement that made Tess feel uneasy, knowing that she was on thin ice, that you could catch a glimpse of something if you looked closely enough, but again, there was also the need to let you see it, to be reckless.
you decided to aim for two more hours of driving, which would mean that you´d reach the motel around 8, leaving you about 6 more hours to get through the next day. the sun had become less blinding by then, the light more golden, the shadows longer and it made everything around you look even more picturesque, you´d forgotten just how much you environment impacted you, after months of never leaving the city you could feel your body waking up again, desperately trying to soak up all the details, all the ways you were confronted with beauty you weren´t used to.
you tried to come up with ways to pass the remaining time, eventually settling on trying to read Tess´s birth chart for her after having to convince her for 15 minutes to give you her birth time because she was skeptical about what the website might say about her, so then you just sat there picking and choosing which parts of the analysis to tell her, mostly reading the flattering parts out loud, adjectives like “determined, strong willed, pragmatic”, purposely skipping over the part that called a particular placement indicative of her being a “passionate lover, sometimes to a fault, not afraid of breaking taboos”, but taking note of it, smiling to yourself. you could tell that she was just pretending to find it silly, her expression gave away that it was nice to have you entertaining her with something lighthearted, it was comforting to her, your voice, your attempts to get her to laugh, which worked most of the time. a few times she looked over at you, the way your face was glowing in the orange light, and got hit by such a violent wave of affection that she kept the amount of times she did it limited.
just as planned you, pulled into the parking lot of the motel around 8pm, both of you a little worn out and groggy, looking forward to the comfort of a bed. the first thing that you noticed was that the whole thing was painted a bright turquoise, it had faded a little over the years, an old timey charm to it, your best guess was that it had been built sometime in the 70s; there was a relatively large swimming pool in the middle of the court, a few plastic chairs outside of the floor level rooms, some guests sitting there smoking, a neon sign glowing in the setting sun, all of it more inviting than you´d expected, nothing fancy but a place that seemed ideal for one night.
on the way inside both you and Tess pointed out certain details about the place to each other and complained about your sore muscles, groaning from the weight of your bags until you reached the reception, putting them down on the floor for a second as a young worker with a bright toothpaste-ad-smile greeted you so enthusiastically that you both needed a moment to gather your thoughts. Tess leaned on the counter as he looked at the computer to see which rooms were available, apparently you´d lucked out and came at a time where at least five were vacant, he turned to look at you again, and asked “so, is a room with two singles fine?”, which confused both of you for a second as you thought why the fuck wouldn´t that be fine? that´s exactly what we´re looking for?.
but then it dawned on you: you absolutely did not look like mother and daughter. he was trying to signal to you that he wouldn´t mind if you wanted a room with a double bed instead, he was saying that he wouldn´t be shocked by you two being a couple. as you realized this you turned your head away for a moment, stifling a laugh, while Tess was gripped by a white hot panic and quickly told him “yes that´s perfect! thank you!”, in an uncharacteristically high pitched tone. it was hilarious to you but not to her, you watched her face as he slid the keys to your room over the reception counter and wished you a good night, telling you to come back if anything wasn´t to your liking, Tess just walked away without answering, so you gave him a very polite “thank you so much!”. you could hear Tess muttering “Jesus Christ.” under her breath as she led the way down the hallway, clearly still unsettled by the previous exchange , which contrasted your own reaction, the delicious thrill you got out of it, that a stranger didn´t think it impossible for you to belong together.
once Tess opened the door you both tentatively walked in, gauging the state of the room but there was nothing to complain about; the beds were both big enough to fit two, the sheets had quilted throw blankets over them with a rustic flower print, the walls were all wood paneled, the floor carpeted the same way it had been in the lobby, an old tv and an armchair pushed against the wall facing the beds, to others it might have looked like a room where people went to get killed in slasher flicks but you both liked the feeling of back transported back in time, the dusty smell, the muted color palette, it was more soothing to you than a brand new, sterile room.
“which one?” Tess asked, pointing at the beds, giving you a choice, so you picked the one next to the bathroom door, flinging yourself down onto it face first in a dramatic fashion, arms spread out, legs dangling over the edge, she smiled, setting down her stuff next to her bed, near the door that opened to a little terrace near the pool, since you were located on the ground floor. she pushed it open a little to let some fresh air in and got some clothes out of her bag, “I need a shower” she announced, “yeah me too. but you go first” you said, still laying there, the exhaustion of the day catching up with you.
as you heard the water of the shower turning on you tried your best not to imagine how she´d undressed, how she would look getting into the shower, how her eyes would close once the hot stream hit her face, you tried not to imagine how her back would look with water drops run down her spine, you tried not to imagine her whole body flushing from the heat, you tried but failed, so instead of just laying there you found ways to occupy your mind with other things: unpacking, taking your shoes off, taking a look outside the window, stepping onto the terrace for a moment, still, the sound of the shower kept forcing images into your mind that made you feel defenseless and exposed in your longing.
after about ten minutes Tess stepped out of the bathroom and found you sitting on your bed, scrolling on your phone, until you looked up and had to mask your feeling of awe, she looked even more attractive to you then than before; her hair had gotten a little damp and fell down her face in beautiful waves, her face looked youthful and glowy, she´d gotten dressed in shorts that were cut off right above the knee and a white tank top, since the heat had gotten more intense and humid the further south you´d traveled that day, and to make things worse the scent of her shower gel was streaming in through the bathroom door and it was an intoxicating mix of something creamy and musky, you breathed in deeply, feeling a tingling sensation all over your skin.
she caught something in your look even though you were subtle, but she let it go, interrupting your thoughts “so, what should we do once you´re done freshening up?” you considered it, putting your phone down as she also went to go sit on her bed, “we should get a drink” you decided, “I mean, there´s that bar right across the street and I doubt there´s much else to do around here”, she looked at you then, “I don´t know if your dad would love the idea of me buying you drinks”, you wanted her to forget about him, about the sense of responsibility that she felt weighing on her, so you were insistent, “well he isn´t here, is he?...” a distinct sense of urgency to the way you said it, she could tell you weren´t happy about her bringing him up, and she could take a wild guess as to why. Tess couldn´t really argue with your logic and besides she liked the idea of unwinding like that after driving all day so she nodded, “alright. one drink”, “two” you responded, a grin, she laughed then “so, we´re negotiating now, are we?”.
the shower woke you up and revived your spirits, you stepped out feeling ready to move around and talk again and as you walked back into the room Tess had thoughts that weren't dissimilar to the ones you´d had about her before, but she was better at hiding it, a brief look was all she allowed herself before she turned her attention back to collecting the keys and her wallet before waving you out of the door before her, forcing her gaze to remain cast to the floor until you weren´t in close proximity anymore, she knew looking at your neck from up close would have been a bad idea.
the sky had turned a muted light blue, sunset was approaching, and you could both feel the eyes of a few other guests who were hanging around by the pool following you as you made your way towards the street, you could tell that it wasn´t judgment but something like intrigue, both you and Tess realized that you made a rather striking duo, which gave you a boost of confidence, or maybe even cockiness, as you left the motel behind and approached your destination. the bar had a distinctly timeless look, it was the archetype of an american bar, a flag waving in the wind, about four different neon signs buzzing in the windows, the image of a blonde woman in leather gear on a bike spray painted onto one of the walls, lettering beneath that read “ride or die”, a few trucks and bikes parked nearby, a few metal trash cans and a bench near the back exit. “ever been to a place like this?” Tess asked as she held the door open for you, “no never” you said, “well, i´ve seen much worse, i think this should be fine” she mused as she followed you in.
the room was spacious, there were about ten booths in a row alongside the wall to your right, a bar and a line of chairs all the way down the counter in your direct line of sight, a few pool tables and something that looked like a jukebox further back, a few different sources of light including multiple red lamps that gave the room a slightly sleazy feel. “what are you drinking?” you asked as you both approached the bar where two couples were talking to the bartender who all seemed to know each other, “hm, I doubt we´ll have much of a menu to pick from” you nodded, “right. how about you order for us, I´ll have what you´re having i am not picky”, you didn´t feel like awkwardly standing there next to her while waiting to be served so you went to choose a table, settling on a booth towards the back of the room, and from where you were sitting you could see Tess talking to the bartender, he was around her age and very obviously took a liking to her, he laughed a lot while she was talking, almost an obnoxious amount, keeping his eyes on her as he poured the drinks, seemingly starved for some pleasant chatting, and you couldn´t really blame him for being easily charmed by her because you were in the same place.
after a few minutes she set two glasses down on the table and sat down opposite you, “okay, he was going on and on about how he makes the best old fashioned around, something about a special ingredient, so here you go”. you took one of the glasses and had a sip, nodding as you set it down again “not bad, but then again I am fairly easy to impress after the shit I´ve had to drink in college”, she smiled before drinking a good amount, “he liked you” you said while searching her face for a reaction, keeping your eyes on hers, but she didn´t seem to care much “well..good for him”, something about the way you´d said it made her suspect that you didn´t love the idea of other people hitting on her, which was an endearing thought, you getting a little possessive even though you hadn´t even spent a full day together.
you both enjoyed the sensation of the cool glasses in your hands, soaking up the atmosphere, a vaguely familiar song playing over the speakers, the faint smell of cigarettes and old leather seats that wasn´t entirely unpleasant, you could both imagine people who lived nearby spending their nights there after a hard day at work, letting go of whatever was going on outside, because it kind of applied to you too. as you traced the rim of the glass with your index finger, spaced out, you could feel all the stress from the months before trying to leave your body at once, a deep exhale as you realized how far away from everything you were all of a sudden. Tess was leaning her head on her hand, watching you intently, a smile forming as she could basically see the thoughts swirling around in your head, “wanna tell me what you´re thinking, or no?”, she was being gentle with it, trying to coax you out of your shell instead of demanding answers, you came back to the present moment then and met her eyes, debating whether or not to tell her, but it felt good to be offered a space to express your deeper feelings, so you took another sip before asking, “can I be honest for a second?”, she nodded, “you can also do it for more than a second”, putting her arms on the table then, sitting upright, signaling that you had her full attention. “alright, well. I usually don´t really like to talk about this stuff with people because they either panic or give me pity, but I have a sense you won´t, so if I am being real with you, the past few months weren´t great. the whole second semester honestly, it all felt.. empty in a way? if that´s the right word. I did my work and went to class and whatever but other than that I didn´t do much at all, just didn´t feel like it. last year a friend of mine who was a grade above me graduated and since then I´ve kind of just been.. floating I guess. nothing really excites me, and it sounds ungrateful maybe, but I wish there was more to my life. there is this constant feeling of “is this all?”. I don´t know if that makes sense but yeah.. I am kind of glad I´m on a break now, it was about time. today was honestly the first good day I´ve had in a while…”.
Tess was´t exactly shocked, it wasn´t anything too out of the ordinary, but still, she did feel affected by the idea of you struggling with your frustrations on your own, she could see the way you were holding yourself as you spoke about it, your shoulders hunched, your eyes less bright than before, your hands nervously fidgeting with the orange peel in your drink. she leaned back as she spoke, partly to fight off the urge to reach out and touch you, your hand, your cheek, “no I get that, that feeling of wishing things were more exciting. you know, this might be a good moment to mention that I was a student advisor for a while in my early 30s”, that caught you off guard, “really??” a hint of a smile on your face as you processed the information, the image of her talking to people your age about their issues flashing in your mind. she nodded, “hmm, by far not the worst job I had”, you leaned forward then, your hands folded, your head resting on them, “well, advise me then” you said, a slightly flirtatious undertone that didn´t escape her.
she thought for a second, “you know, I think what you said applies to about every other person your age. this might not be the encouragement you´re looking for but I think your 20s are kind of meant to be a shit show. mine sure as hell were, and I would honestly be more disturbed if you told me that everything´s perfect. I mean within reason of course, there are things that require intervention, but I doubt you´re the type to actually fall off, you´ll be fine trust me. you´re not the kind of person I´d have been worried about back then”, it worked. her honesty and lack of sentimentality about the whole thing made you feel much better than any bullshit “just change your mindset, just think positively! practice gratitude!” response ever could have. she was refreshingly calm, there was an ease about her that was comforting to be around, that was helping you relax, usually you felt like you had to shoulder everything on your own but around her it felt natural, to let yourself be more vulnerable for once.
“you´re good at this” you said, grinning as you felt your worries fading, the enthusiasm about being with her taking over again, and it pleased her, seeing her effect, she downed the rest of her drink and smiled after putting the glass down “I try”, a moment of silence before she added “but you´re okay right now, yeah?” making sure, and you wanted her to know that you were genuinely enjoying your time with her, so you quickly said “oh yeah, as I said today was really nice. I guess this would be a good time to say thank you, for doing all of this” Tess was still horrible at accepting praise “oh no need to thank me, you´re good company, the time flew by” the first explicit acknowledgement of her affection towards you, which made your face glow a little then.
“I can listen too by the way, anything you wanna get off your chest?”, you offered, watching her getting more comfortable, crossing one leg over the other, “I mean, not really, but ask away if there´s anything you´re dying to know” she answered, challenging you in a way, the ball was in your court, and for a moment you considered asking something innocuous, but you thought why not just take the chance and ask what I actually want to know, so you tried to sound as casual as possible as you asked “is there someone waiting for you back home?”. she didn´t expect you to get right to the point but she respected it in a way, that you weren´t wasting time with boring questions, “do you think I´d be using my vacation days to go visit your father if there was someone in my life?” you shrugged, “I don´t know”, she shook her head, “no, I mean bless him but my friendship has its limits” you smiled, the relief of her not being taken a little too visible in your expression, “okay. so what do you do in your free time then, if nobody´s around to keep you busy”.
“hm. I don´t know, there´s not much to boast of, I am honestly pretty boring. middle age will do that to you”, you laughed then, “oh come on, I don´t believe that! I think you just don´t wanna tell me anything. but then again, makes sense that you don´t have much personal drama going on, I doubt anyone would try to mess with you”, she squinted her eyes at you, “what´s that supposed to mean?”, “well, you give off a very strong don´t fuck with me vibe”, she laughed too then, “okay I´ll try to take that as a compliment”, “it was meant as one. I mean I benefited from it the whole day, didn´t worry once about some freak coming up to me because i knew you´d take care of it”, that did make her feel satisfied then, to know that you felt safe in her shadow, “good. but I guess it does also scare people off sometimes” you could read in her expression that she might sometimes wish that she was softer, more inviting, “not the right ones” you responded a little too quickly, weight to the words, a seriousness. she looked at you and something passed between you, about ten seconds of you just wordlessly sitting there, thinking similar things, unwilling to say any of them, but you didn´t have to, over the day you´d both gotten good at filling in the other´s silences, reading certain looks. the mix of it being rather late, both feeling a slight buzz from the drink, the dim warm light, the feeling of almost having broken down the barrier between you all the way, the intimacy of sitting there like that, it could have led to something then, if you hadn´t caught yourself staring at her way too softly and forced yourself to look somewhere else before it was too late, Tess clearing her throat and adjusting her hair to distract herself from what had just happened between you.
your gaze landed on the pool tables behind you, “do you know how to play?” you asked, changing the subject, “sure, I mean it´s been ages but I believe the muscle memory´s still there”.
“I´ve never played it”, she was a little stunned then “never?? damn what are young people doing these days”, you shrugged, “guess we are too busy vaping and being on our phones”, a dramatic delivery, she didn´t give you a laugh but a look that said okay, very funny. “I mean, you could try right now”, you were almost a little shy then, she could tell and it was amusing to her, “oh come on, it´s just a stick and some balls, I think you can manage'', so you agreed “okay sure, why not. you´ll look fucking perfect next to me, so good for you I guess”, she shook her head as you both abandoned your seats and walked over, “ever heard of having fun? this isn´t gonna be an exam sweetheart”, the pet name hanging in the air and forcing a bit of color to your cheeks as you went over to one of the empty tables with her, running your hands along the old wood, the green surface, taking a good look at it as Tess excused herself for a moment, going over to the bar and promptly returning with two shot glasses in her hand, a grin on her face as she handed it to you, a carefree youthfulness to her demeanor all of a sudden, “here, drink this, loosen up a little” so you did, washing down whatever it was that she´d ordered, the burn of it making you cough for a second “jesus”. “so” she said, handing you the poll, “show me how you think you should hold it, let´s see what we´re working with here”, you tried to conjure up the images of people you´d seen playing and tried your best to mimic the pose, leaning forward.
even though you weren´t looking directly at her, you could tell she was stifling a laugh, so you shot her a glare, “oh that´s very encouraging, I told you I´ve never done this”, she stepped closer then, visibly amused by your defensiveness, “well you could have been a natural but.. guess not”.
you were standing again by that point, “are you just gonna laugh at me or give me some actual tips?”, “right, okay, so that angle won´t work, it has to be lower and your hand has to be..” she knew that verbal instructions weren´t great, but she was trying her best to avoid the inevitable: going up and touching you to adjust your technique, since she knew how horrible of an idea it was to get that close to you, how hard it would be for her to keep the very small amount of restraint she had left in her intact, when sitting across from you had already made her feel insane. looking at you standing there, your skin glowing slightly pink from the light behind you, she knew that going over and getting in your personal space was about the last thing she should do, “the angle? what the fuck do you mean” you said, clearly confused, waiting for her to be more helpful, so after another moment of hesitation she thought fuck it. I´ll just do it quickly, I won´t linger.
“do what you just did” she instructed as she approached you, so you did, still unaware of how close she´d get, you thought she´d just stand there and tell you what to change but then you could feel her presence right behind you and before you knew it she was pressed against you. the moment she touched you, any coherent thought left your mind and you were left trying to process all the physical sensations: her long hair falling down your shoulder, her face near yours, her deep voice mere inches from your ear, the front of her calves brushing against the backside of yours, and worst of all: her hand, her fingers adjusting yours, gently moving them into the correct position. suddenly, the whole room was a void to you, nothing around you registered anymore, your entire being was completely wrapped up in her impact and all of it made it nearly impossible to process what was being said.
“like this, okay?” she said as she could feel the shift in your physique, the way you seemed frozen under her, seemingly afraid but she knew it wasn´t fear, so despite what she told herself, she drew it out, staying like that for a moment too long, breathing in your scent, feeling your arm against hers, the warmth that your bodies were exchanging. for a moment she couldn´t help but savor the feeling of having that effect on you, against her better judgment she let herself feel the thrill of leaning over you like that until she came back to her senses and realized what she was doing, how her mind had made the jump to other situations where she´d be behind you like that, so to your disappointment she eventually let go. “okay, other than that I think it should be fairly easy”, and it was, for a while you both took turns, immediately making fun of the other one if they had a bad shot, silently mouthing along to the lyrics of the songs that were playing over the speakers that you recognized, a slightly awkward silence when it was a particularly romantic one.
it was a nice and back and forth because both of you could feel the other´s charged gaze whenever it was your turn, you might or might not have done certain things on purpose, like bending your neck a certain way, biting your lip, pulling your shirt down so she would have a better view of your chest, if she dared to look, which to her own frustration she did, again and again, but you weren´t any better at self control, each time it was her turn you tried your best not to gawk her at her but she looked beautiful, her arms being the focus of the game was not ideal for keeping your pull towards her at bay.
just as you were getting done with your last shot of the game, a young waitress came by to set down a drink in front of you, before you could finish the sentence “um sorry, I didn´t-”. she pointed down the room “it´s from the table over there”. you looked to where she´d directed your gaze and saw a group of three guys that seemed to be in their late 20s smiling at you a little too enthusiastically. “oh god no..” you uttered as you realized that they´d bought you the drink. they weren´t being too creepy about it but you hated the idea of having been observed without your knowledge, and you really didn´t want anyone to interrupt what you and Tess had going on, so you asked her “oh god, do you think they were watching us the entire time?” as you gave them a mild smile and looked away again, moving closer to her instinctively, “well if anything they were watching you”, she said, a mix of protectiveness and pride bubbling up in her, the former because she could tell you didn´t enjoy the attention you were getting, the latter because she thought tough luck guys, she´s more into me, which shocked her for a second, her sudden feeling of she´s mine, the way it went against everything she´d told herself about remaining detached.
you got an idea then, “let´s leave” you said, as you reached for the drink that did look pretty good. without thinking twice you started guloing it down and when Tess realized you were trying to drink the whole thing at once she nudged you in the side “hey easy there”, but you were already finished by then, setting down the glass and exhaling in a slightly pained manner, she shook her head in disbelief, “are you trying to make yourself sick??” but you just smiled at her, a flicker of mischief in your eyes, and pulled her arm to make her follow you out, “I don´t feel like being watched any longer but didn´t wanna waste it, come”, so she let you drag her out, a smile on her face as she felt your fingers wrapped around her wrist.
by that time it had gotten dark and breeze that hit you as you stepped outside made you both sigh simultaneously, the parking lot was empty, it was just you and the intense atmosphere of a night out in the country and as you started walking you could feel the buzz of the drink you´d just downed getting to your head, so without asking first you steadied yourself against her, linking arms, feeling her slowing down her walk so you wouldn´t trip. after a while you realized just how comfortable you´d gotten with her, that you were acting the way you´d act with a close friend or a date, so once you´d crossed the street together you stepped away a little self consciously, but she didn´t mind, in fact, she almost reached for you to pull you back because she really enjoyed being held onto like that, but for what felt like the hundredth time that day she kept her hands to herself, clearly worn down from the constant effort of keeping suppressing her instincts, less and less willing to keep doing it. part of her was ready to just do what was wrong already. part of her was only waiting for it, the disaster, the point of no return.
as you saw the pool that had been lit up by then, the delicious icey color that made the water look inviting, you got an idea, “let´s cool down for a second, come on!” you urged her, “you wanna get in with your clothes on?...” she asked, wondering if she was understanding you right, but that wasn´t the plan, you weren´t in the mood to shower again, “no let´s just put our legs in for a moment”, your voice giving away that you were slightly tipsy as you walked over to the edge of the pool and sat down, submerging your legs in the water until it reached up to right under your knee, the smell of chlorine weirdly nostalgic, transporting you back to carefree summer days as a kid.
“yeah this is nice, come” you said, waving her over impatiently as she still stood a few feet away, watching you, but eventually she gave in and got down next to you, consciously leaving a space about the width of a hand between your thighs.
the air was finally bearable, still warm but not too humid, it was an idyllic moment, a deep silence you never could have experienced in the city, nobody around, the feeling of the gentle waves against your shins, it lent itself to introspection so for a moment you both just watched your legs as you moved them around a bit, accidentally touching underwater a few times but acting like nothing had happened. eventually you broke the silence, “kind of a shame that we´re gonna be home tomorrow already. I´m having fun”, of course Tess felt the same way but she wasn´t just gonna say that, not too fast, so after waiting for an answer that wouldn´t come you joked.“you know, now would be a good moment to tell me that you feel the same way”, which made her laugh, “I do, of course. this has been nice”, you turned to her then, “well that didn´t sound very enthusiastic, you can do better”, she smiled and turned to face you, “what do you want me to say, hm?” , you leaned closer then, a dramatic tone as you said “oh I don´t know, maybe that you´re obsessed with me, that you´re having the time of your life, that you wanna spend weeks and weeks with me, that I am the best traveling partner you´ve ever had”.
she couldn´t believe how bold you were being, fixing you with a questioning look, “okay you´re drunk, aren´t you?”, you shook your head, protesting, “no”, “okay got it, you want me to blow up your ego a little, huh?”, she tried her best to divert attention from the fact that your exaggerated remarks weren´t too far off from what she actually felt about you. you shrugged, “sure yeah”, clearly wanting something else from her, she shook her head, “you´re not what I expected at all”, “right, let me guess, my dad advertised me as his perfect little angel baby” she grinned then, realizing that you knew exactly how he talked in your absence, “sort of yeah”, “do you wish I was more like that?”, you asked, she cocked her head then, giving a look that said, of course not, “no. would´ve been pretty lame”, you were pleased by that answer and leaned back, your back against the stone floor with your legs still dangling in the water, “oh damn” you said, as you saw the dazzling night sky, the lack of light pollution making it a thousand times more visible than you were used to, “look!” you told her, pointing up, so she tiled her head, “oh wow, that´s fucking beautiful.”, Tess couldn´t remember the last time she´d bothered to look up at the night sky and it struck her then that the whole day you´d succeeded in making her wake up to the world around her again, Tess wasn´t used to sudden rushes of excitement and joy anymore, she´d given up on that a long time ago, but there you were, again, waking parts of her up that had been dormant for a while, a genuine warm smile on her face that others in her life very rarely got to see.
laying down you closed your eyes, stretching your arms out and feeling your chest rising and falling as you took slow deep breaths. Tess remained sitting upright, for a second she also closed her eyes, but then she glanced down at you, your peaceful expression, and thought if she was my girlfriend I´d lean down and kiss her right now, just to see her reaction, she could visualize it perfectly, an initial moment of surprise followed by you smiling against her lips, she knew she couldn´t do it, but she thought of another way to get your attention back, so after about a minute of drifting off into a state of deep relaxation you were startled out of it by the sudden feeling of water hitting your face, cold drops splattered all over your cheeks and forehead.
you opened your eyes and shot up while muttering “what the fuck??”, and the moment you laid eyes on Tess, her smug grin, you realized what had happened, “just making sure you´re not falling asleep there” she said, eyeing you, clearly amused by your reaction, so you got the sudden urge to do something to her too, thinking I´ll push her in, but she was too fast, she saw the thought forming, so the moment you lunged forward and tried to force her into the pool she grabbed your shoulders to push you back, which left you two in a struggle for power, one that she was clearly winning, her grip way too strong. you tried to muster up some force but you were clearly weaker than her, and something about it was thrilling, the proof of her strength, and it registered, she could tell that you took some sort of pleasure out of being handled like that, so neither of you let go, your faces barely a few inches apart as your fingers dug into the other person´s skin, you kept staring at each other and all of a sudden something like fear flickered through both of your eyes, because you felt it like electric currents, the rising tension between your bodies, the heat; she caught you looking back and forth between her lips and eyes, you saw her leaning forward a little and eventually you could feel each other´s breath as your touch slowly turned form forceful to gentle, your muscles not flexed anymore but you hands still where you´d grabbed each other. you almost pushed yourself to close the remaining distance then, you were so close, but then a door slammed shut nearby and abruptly shocked you both into letting go of each other, coughing nervously, adjusting your clothes, listening to the footsteps of the person who had just walked out until they were gone.
Tess was the first to get up, mumbling something along the lines of “yeah uh, it´s late let´s go inside”, while you kept sitting there for a beat longer, cursing the person who had walked out because you knew you wouldn´t just get a chance like that again, you could tell she was spooked, so if anything were to happen, you´d have to initiate it, you knew this and it frustrated you. once you walked inside the room you saw her rooting around in her back, neither of you knew how to continue after all that, so she took the easy way out, announcing “I´ll go get ready, brush my teeth get changed all that”, you just nodded, a quiet “okay” as she left you standing there.
the moment that Tess shut the door behind herself she leaned back against it and put her hands over her face, breathing out like she´d just run a marathon, her heart still beating out of her chest, she was near paranoia at that point, wondering whether the timing of you being interrupted right at that moment was some final warning from a higher power, giving her one last chance to stop, to control herself.
she knew she should have been grateful to get that chance, but she wasn´t, deep down she wished that things would have played out the way she wanted them to, the feeling of your breath against her lips was still burning on her skin and it was not going to stop until she´d feel it again, until she´d get to give you what you so clearly wanted from her. in an attempt to calm down she stepped towards the sink and splashed cold water on her face before changing into a loose tshirt and shorts with fabric thin enough to be bearable during summer nights. once she had nothing else to do in there she was dreading going back into the room because she had no idea what you´d do, what she´d do. it felt like she was walking into a trap: you and her in one room for the entire night.
while she was going through all that you were trying to busy yourself, turning on the bedside lamps, shutting the curtains, eventually just sitting down and pretending to be busy on your phone until she walked back in again. you knew that was your cue to do what she´d just done so you said “yeah I´ll get ready too”, leaving her some space. you were quicker than her in there and less panicked, if anything you were frustrated because you were still so worked up from the image of her almost leaning in to kiss you, the thrill of that anticipation, and it made you feel determined then, staring at yourself in the mirror as you thought to yourself you´re gonna have to do it because she won´t. go back out there and finish what you started. she wants you to. so after a while you mustered up a good amount of confidence before walking back out again.
what Tess did not realize was that she´d made a grave mistake by turning on the TV because with that she had given you the perfect excuse to sit down next to her, since her bed was the one directly facing it. if she´d just sat there reading a book or laying down, you would have had a much harder time finding a casual way to get close to her again, but the moment you saw that opening, you used it, walking over to her side of the room without even asking her if you could join her and sitting down on the right side of the bed, your back against the big pillow, your legs stretched out. she didn´t acknowledge it, she didn´t look at you or say anything, there was a clear effort on her part of acting chill but you could practically hear her blood rushing. sitting there, gauging the situation, you knew you´d have to be shameless because she wasn´t moving an inch, you´d have to break her, hit her weak spots, so in a first attempt to do that you moved your leg so it would touch hers, your knees making contact, she didn´t pull away but she also didn´t react, so you waited, your breath starting to get more shallow as you felt her skin against yours. Tess was frozen up because her mind was saying push her away, tell her to leave, make her go to her own bed but her instincts told her differently, so you went further, laying your hand on her leg, which sent a shock through her whole body and made her shake her head, finally speaking, her voice barely above a whisper, “we can´t…”, almost pleading with you then, which made you turn to her, waiting for her to look at you but she wouldn´t, so you stopped being subtle.
after a moment of mustering up all of your courage, you got up and moved on top of her in one swift motion, your legs on either side of hers then, straddling her, trapping her, Tess´s hands were gripping the sheets to keep herself from touching you as you got comfortable and put your hands on her shoulder, staring at her with a fire in your eyes while she shut hers from the overwhelming sensation. “we really shouldn´t be doing this..” she said but you shut her up by leaning close to her neck, breathing against her skin, “I won´t tell a soul, I promise, I swear on my life”, you could feel her shuddering under you, so you made it even worse, moving your hand to hold her cheek as you whispered to her, “please Tess. please..” drawing out the words, a neediness in your voice that hit her right at her core. begging was the thing that always got her to her knees, so her will was completely broken by then. the feeling of your weight on top of her, your bare legs pressed against hers, your scent that awoke a visceral hunger in her, your relentless pursuit, all of it was driving her completely insane and the decision was already made, she was just drawing out the last few seconds where she could consider herself guiltless. the moment she heard you whining the word “please” again, no part of her was hesitant anymore; she let go of the sheets and grabbed your face to pull you down into a kiss.
you both kept your lips pressed against each other for a moment, prolonging the intense thrill of that first contact, before pulling back and kissing again, and again, and again, an erratic nature to it, her hands in your hair by then, and the most freeing thing about the moment was that neither of you tried to conceal your violent desperation because you could tell you were together in the feeling, you didn´t even try to stay quiet, moaning into each other´s mouths whenever you separated for a second, the sounds lower and mure guttural whenever they were trapped inside of you, a constant shifting of you on top of her, your hands on her chest to steady yourself as she pulled your face close, the kissing turning slower and sloppier the more time passed; the moment you felt her tongue against yours you were a mess and she could tell, you were moving against her thigh, not aggressively but there was a clear rocking of your hips and it turned her on even more, to feel you using her as she felt your tongue in her mouth, an almost perverse nature to how you were going about it then, sucking each others lips, licking over each other´s mouths, while you felt only the thin fabric of your shorts separating the ache between your legs from the muscle of her leg, which you were using to create friction, but Tess couldn´t just stay under you, she craved more, so eventually she put her strength to good use, pushing you to the space next to her on the bed and pulling your top over your head, throwing it to the floor and immediately grabbing your tits after, staring down at you in awe as you moaned from the sensation, “you´re so fucking pretty..” her voice even lower than usual, getting you even mor worked up.
she bent down to kiss your neck as she grabbed your hands to keep them at your sides, your fingers interlaced as she savored the feeling and scent of your skin, you could feel it with every kiss, how much she wanted you, how she was keeping herself from biting your flesh because she wanted to taste you that badly, it was turning your sounds even more desperate, the burn of her kisses all over your neck and throat as she moved down and let go of your hands to squeeze one of your tits as she ran her tongue over the other one, your hands on her back then, moving under the shirt that she still had on, scratching her a little as your nails dug in with the effort to hold on as she had her way sucking on the heavenly soft skin of your chest, surely leaving a few marks, switching between kissing and licking, fully lost in a haze of pure lust by then, there was no shame, nothing holding her back from taking what she wanted, from giving what you needed, in that moment you felt more present in your body than ever before, every breath left you feeling more alive, you could feel each of her fingertips leaving a deep impact where they rested on your body, you felt warm all over, not the usual kind of warm but the kind that spreads from your core out into every part of you, a visceral warmth, it was a type of arousal you weren´t familiar with, and she could tell, she was also lost in her need but she was more experienced, so she knew she´d have to take care of you right, which she was doing, you were blissed out by the feeling of her on top of you, her unrestrained claiming of your body as you pulled her shirt up and begged “please, I wanna feel you”, which made her undress too then.
the moment she was topless you grabbed her face and pulled her down to feel her chest to chest, giving her a deep kiss as you felt her tits pressed against yours, a sensation that felt divine while making out, so for a moment you stayed like that, flush against each other as you continued the needy slow kissing from before, this is what it is supposed to feel like you thought because you knew you could do just that for hours and hours and still want more, you could feel her long hair falling down the sides of your face as you kissed and you loved that one feminine part of her, you´d admired her all day so in that moment it felt like a dream to get to feel her all over you like that, after a while she became impatient, she needed more, she wanted to please you as intensely as possible, so she moved down and helped you out of your shorts, leaving you exposed, her hands running over your thighs while admiring you, but before she could touch you the way she wanted to, you grabbed one of her hands and moved it to your face, your tongue running over her fingers before she went along with what you were doing and put her fingers in your mouth, your lips closing around them to suck on them, coating them in your spit, which was enough to almost make her black out then, her breathing all kinds of fucked up, interrupted by a moan, as you got lost in the sensation of having her in your mouth like that, a distinctly perverse feel to it that thrilled you both, “you´re a good girl, hm”, she breathed as you let go and made eye contact with her, which she held as she moved her hand between your legs to finally feel how wet you´d gotten, an involuntary “fuck..” as she felt your slick heat, you were soaked and she was getting off on it, the proof of your need for her.
at first she just moved her fingers between your aroused lips to savor the warm velvety feeling, the absolute mess that she was responsible for, a distinct whining sound from you as she did it, “you feel fucking perfect” she assured you, sensing that you needed more, she was careful then, watching your face closely as she moved up a bit, looking down at you as she pushed her middle and ring finger inside of you, a slight gasp from you, “okay?” she made sure, “yes, yes” you urged, a breathless tone, as you felt the initial burn subsiding, replaced by the pleasure of feeling her knuckle deep inside of you, she let you breathe through it for a moment before moving her fingers again, her free hand on the side of your face, which you leaned into as she fucked you the way she´d been dying to, the rythm slow and intense, a secure skilled nature to her movements, she knew what she was doing, she knew how to get you to lose yourself, fully, you felt an intense throbbing and pleasurable ache at your core, it spread through your whole body as you let out soft cries from the sensation, your hips moving up to meet her hand, she could have stared at you like that forever, the way your face twisted when she hit a certain spot, the control she had over your whole being in that moment, the needy whines that left your lips that made her unbearably soft for you, “you´re okay baby, I got you”, the baby slipped out, she usually never said it to hookups but you were different, she felt a deep affection for you, it made your lose your mind even more to hear her call you that while she was fucking you just right, her arm was strong so she wasn´t going to cramp up, a relentless pressure on the spot inside of you that was making you unravel, “fuck just like that don´t stop please” you uttered in a breathless tone, begging her to finish you off, your nails digging into her back as she leaned down and felt you struggling to kiss her back as she kept her fingers inside of you to angle them just right and push until you couldn´t handle it anymore, her own moans getting louder again as she felt your walls clenching around her fingers, your body exhausting itself with pleasure, “you´re close hm?” she cooed down at you, a weak nod as your head fell back against the pillow, your hair all messed up by that point, “you can cum sweetie, come on, show me how pretty you look”, her words were the final push you needed to surrender to the feeling that you were still trying to keep inside, but it was over, one more deliberate hard push from her fingers and you felt every single muscle inside of you tensing up, you´d had orgasms before but not like that, it was fully body, hot and close to a spiritual experience, your mind silenced by the intensity of your physical experience, she was completely in awe, staring at you, her free hand flat on your chest as she slowed down but didn´t stop yet, giving you a moment to ride out your high on her hand, eventually pulling her fingers out and hearing a whine as she did it, the sudden emptiness almost painful for a second. Tess left you a moment to breathe, to lay there, spent and flushed and still unable to think, savoring the aftershocks of the climax, the soreness that felt good, the little pains of sex that made it clear you´d had a good time.
after a minute she caressed you, your stomach, your hips, drawing patterns with her finger as she asked “I wanna taste you so bad.. can I?”, you still sounded shaky as you nodded and said, “yes, I´ll be a fucking mess though”, she grinned as she grabbed your thighs and pushed them apart to get between them, “good, it suits you”, so you braced yourself for a good amount of over stimulation as she started kissing your inner thighs, biting down as she got further up because she knew nobody would see the indents her teeth left except you, she could tell that you were still weak so she held your legs in place with a firm grip as she got her face where she wanted it, at first just pushing her lips up against your cunt to coat them in your juices, before using her tongue to lick it all up, a filthiness that she loved, a hum of pleasure as she held you in place and licked all over your core in broad sloppy strokes, “fuck Tess” you whined, because you could tell you were gonna cum again if she didn´t stop, you were still raw and sensitive from before so it didn´t take much, her fingers dug into your flesh to keep you from moving away from her face as you failed miserably at keeping quiet as she sucked on your clit and made you finish against her lips, not as hard as before but still intensely, you were emptied of any strength by then, slack against the sheets as she also tried to catch her breath, wiping her mouth before moving to the empty space next to you and laying down too.
for a moment it was perfect, she was still high on the feeling of you all over her, the echo of your sounds fresh in her mind, your taste still all over her lips, but as her heart rate slowed down and her thoughts became clearer again the reality of her situation came crashing over her; she looked at you, the proof of what she´d done written all over your naked body, your face, and felt like the walls were gonna close in on her, so she got up, giving your leg a pat as she said “uh I need to-” stopping for a moment to breathe properly “I´ve gotta get some fresh air, I´ll be back in a second”. Tess picked her shirt up from the floor, pulled it over her head and walked outside. you could guess why she was acting that way, what she was thinking, so you decided to give her some space before going after her.
as you laid there on your own, you knew you should have maybe felt a bit of remorse but you didn´t, at all, you smiled to yourself as you waited for you limbs to get less shaky and eventually got up, looking down at the red splotches that she´d left on your chest, on your thighs, tracing them with your finger before getting dressed and following her outside.
once you walked out the cool night air hit your face and you saw her sitting at the table right next to your door, occupying one of the two plastic chairs, so you quietly approached and sat down opposite her, eyeing her as her gaze remained cast to the floor, her fingers tapping on the table, a nervous habit. you observed her for a moment before asking, “hey, you okay?” in a gentle tone, she still didn´t meet your eyes as she answered, “yeah I don´t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I really shouldn´t have done that”, you could tell that she was genuinely beating herself up so you said, “well, I initiated so-” but she shook her head and looked up at you then, “still, I should know better. I am responsible here”, you titled your head then, “Tess you know we are both grown right? you did nothing wrong”, she kept looking at you, her tone lower then, “he´d fucking kill me for this.” she said, plainly, a hint of fear in there, you knew of course who the “he” in question was, and it pissed you off, “he doesn´t own me.”.
that surprised her, the seriousness and slight hint of anger with which you said that, it was not what she´d expected and you had more to say on the matter once you saw that you had her attention. “you know” you started, crossing your legs and leaning back, “I spent so much time of my life catering to other people´s needs, I went through some pretty horrible times without ever expecting much help or understanding, supporting others through their shit while I was also taking care of myself, so I think I deserve to go after what I want for once without crucifying myself for it. I have considered everyone else´s feelings often enough, I think it´s about time I look out for my own needs too. and I don´t wanna speak for you, but you also strike me as the type to deny yourself joy for some reason, some self-punishment thing maybe, I can tell because I have done that myself. so I mean this when I say it: we have nothing to feel bad for. this is our business, nobody else´s. and I for one wont apologize for being happy right now, because I am” she processed it, that impressive monolgue, your passionate plea for self determination, Tess cracked a smile then “damn. you´re pretty fucking wise” you shrugged, echoing what she´d said to you earlier, “I try” a pause then as she relaxed and felt the darker feelings leaving her system, replaced by the immense excitement she´d felt before, “you´re not a bad person and this doesn´t change that” you said, “okay?”, she nodded, trying to believe you which was made easier by your confidence, “okay.”.
Tess realized then that she´d messed up by just leaving you there right after doing all that to you, she regretted it, that her conscience had gotten to her and that she´d missed out on the chance to hold you and lay there together, so she looked at you, endeared by the loving gaze you were watching her with and waved your over “come here” she said, smiling warmly, patting her lap, so you got up and walked over, hesitating a moment once you stood in front of her, so she pulled you down and wrapped her arms around your back to hold you in place, “you should know by now that I am strong enough to handle you”, you put your arms around her neck and smiled back at her, feeling her move one of her hands to your thigh, squeezing gently as you stared into each others eyes. “I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have left you there”, “oh it´s fine really, I can only think about what you did before that anyway” you said, running your fingers through her hair then and she looked all blissed out in that moment, she loved having you sitting on her, holding you close while you were being tender with her, “you´re so beautiful.” she said, an emotional tone, you could tell that she really meant it, so you leaned down to kiss her, a soft and romantic one, it was a dreamy moment, you were alone out there, an ideal temperature by that point, not cold but fresh, the sky still sparkling with stars, you both felt nothing but gratitude then, to be ending your day like that.
you laughed then as you pulled back from the kiss, “god. I like you so fucking much. I don´t know what´s happening to me” which made her blush, “yeah me neither. I think I was close to passing out when you got on top of me” it came back to her in that moment, “oh yeah?” you liked hearing her talking about how she´d felt in that moment, she grinned, her hand caressing your thigh as she spoke “yeah, you got me good.”, “well you did too. but you know that, I wasn´t being very subtle about it…” you said, recalling how utterly desperate you´d sounded all throughout the act, “no need to be embarrassed, you sound hot”, you were the one blushing then, “stop” you said, looking away from her for a moment, “oh don´t act shy now, I know you´re not”, she teased, and she was right, with her you weren´t. you rested your head on her shoulder for a moment as she kept her arms wrapped tightly around your waist, before you both felt your limbs going numb, “okay, we should probably get some sleep”, Tess said, so you both walked back inside, not giving a fuck at all if anyone had seen you doing all that out there.
once you were back inside she could see you stopping in front of her bed, eyeing it like you were about to get in, “no, come on, we already did enough” she said while giving your back a light shove to move you away, “I won´t do anything, I´ll just lay there and sleep!”, you insisted, all sweet and innocent sounding, “I don´t believe you for a second” she responded, so you sulked a little as you walked over to your own bed and pulled up the blanket to get in.
“okay, have it your way. but you´re missing out” you told her from across the room as she smiled to herself, “I´m sure I am”. you both got comfortable and turned to face each other, resting on your pillows, arms over the blankets because it was too warm otherwise, your expression almost sad then, “oh don´t look at me like that” she pleaded, knowing that it would be a horrible idea to give into your wish, to allow intimacy like sleeping next to each other, she was already way too attached. you kept thinking about how you were dying to be held by her again and it was visible all over your face, so after a moment of silence and her staring at you, unable to free herself of the urge to reach out, she couldn´t deny you any longer, “alright, get over here”, which she didn´t have to say twice; it took about one second for you to hurry over and crawl under the covers that she was holding up for you, gesturing for you to get in.
the moment you laid your head on her chest, she put her arm around your back to pull you closer, her other hand finding its way to your hair, gently running her fingers through it as you made a humming sound of pleasure, “better?”, she asked, a rhetorical question, “much better, and I know you agree” you said, a satisfied smile as you closed your eyes and relaxed into her. “can´t remember the last time I shared a bed with someone” you confessed, a moment of spontaneous honesty, “me neither” she felt like putting her cards on the table too, which was new, she´d hardly shared anything about her love life with you before but she wanted to make it clear that she was not used to it, being that close to someone. the moment was soft, quiet and sacred almost, after a long day of trying to figure each other out, trying to hold it all in, it was such a relief to have it all out in the open, laying there in each other´s arms, tired and content and aware that it was no small thing for either of you, to trust someone, to be vulnerable like that, after having gotten used to being on your own. your hand slid under her shirt and rested on her stomach as you both started getting drowsy and drifted off to sleep after you said a quiet “good night. sweet dreams” to each other.
later that night you separated in your sleep, sprawled out on either side of the bed, legs and arms only half covered by the blanket, a deep peaceful sleep, which Tess only woke up from once, immediately putting her hand on your arm to feel your presence next to her while falling back asleep again.
around 7 am Tess couldn´t sleep anymore because she usually got up around that time at home, so for a while she just laid there, enjoying the serenity of the early morning, the feeling of your body so close, until she became restless and quietly got up, careful not to wake you. she cracked the door open to let some fresh air in, stepping out to look at the cloudless sky, watching a few people smoking and drinking coffee outside of their rooms. around 7:30 she was dressed and sat down in the chair in the corner of the room to read but after rereading the same paragraph about three times because she wasn´t paying attention at all, she stopped lying to herself and did what she actually wanted to do: watching you sleep.
she sat there looking at you, your peaceful expression, the way your body was twisted up in the bedsheets, your leg that was fully visible over the blanket because your shorts had hiked up during the night, your face resting on your hand as you slept on your side. it looked angelic to her, like a painting that some lovestruck artist had drawn of their girl; the way some light feel through the curtains and hit certain parts of your skin, your hair, she was trying hard to memorize every detail because she had no idea if and when she´d see you like that again. it almost made her laugh to herself then, just how deeply romantic she still was after years of not experiencing much romance at all, it didn´t matter, it was still there, her devoted nature, her desire for something all consuming and life changing. for the right person Tess was willing to bleed and ache and do the objectively wrong thing if it meant seeing them happy, seeing them well loved and healed by her affection in some way, even if it was just for a short while. nothing in the world was more important to her than feeling like she was actively making someone´s life a little easer and lighter, so seeing you in her bed, looking like you´d just gotten the best sleep of your life, it made her feel like she hadn´t done anything too unforgivable after all.
around 9 am she knew she´d have to wake you up so you could get ready without being in a hurry, so she sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed a strand of hair out of your face, traced your nose with her index finger. when that didn´t wake you up, she shook your shoulder, gently, which finally made you stir and open your eyes, squinting them at first while you tried to recall where you were. “well hello sleeping beauty. you´re not a morning person, huh?” she said, smiling down at you as you came to your senses and shook your head, your voice slightly creaky as you said “no”, blindly reaching for her and placing your hand on her thigh as you closed your eyes again, “hey come on, no, you´ve gotta get up”, she said, touching your cheek, so you forced yourself awake, stretching your limbs out as you registered that she was already dressed and ready. “wait, how long have you been up?” you asked, propping yourself up on your elbows. “hm, like two hours?”, you looked at her then, “you should have woken me up”, “why? we don´t have to leave til like 10”, you smiled at her as you sat upright then, pulling her hand towards your legs which you´d moved onto her lap, “I wanna make use of all the time we have left together”, you could see a slight blush on her cheek then.
“just woke up and already flirting with me, huh?”, “yes, in fact I am. you look hot, I like this” you said, fingering the fabric of her button up shirt that she´d pushed up to her elbows, she didn´t say anything but stared at you in a way that made it clear that she enjoyed your shameless way of speaking to her, a contrast to all the subtext the day before, so she pulled you closer to kiss your cheek, feeling your arms around her waist as she did this, her lips moving to your neck for a second, getting a few soft sighs out of you that made her feel weak, like she should do more, but she pulled away just before a mark could form, taking in the satisfied look on your face before announcing, “okay, here´s the plan. we have to check out at 10:00, so I looked up places where we could get breakfast and I found this one that looks pretty good about 5 miles away. I think you could use some coffee hm?”. you nodded, moving your legs away from her and getting up from the bed, “yes sounds good, let me get ready, I´ll be quick”.
after getting dressed you sat down at the small wooden table that had a mirror standing on it to take care of your hair and apply some skincare to your face, you could feel her eyes on your backside as you did this and it felt nice, to have someone silently observing your little morning rituals, to be witnessed by someone who clearly had a loving gaze directed at you. once you were done you joined her on her bed, “we still have 20 minutes” she said and for a moment you both just laid there, your bags packed, your room clean, nothing left to do. after a moment of comfortable silence, it hit both of you at the same time: the fact that you had no idea when you´d be together in private like that again; there was no clear answer as to when you´d share a room or a bed again, when you´d be free to do whatever you wanted again, so as you both turned to face each other, still untouched by any stress or exhaustion that the day might bring, your skin still sweatless and fresh, you both felt the need to touch each other, to do something, to use the bit of remaining time.
you´d gotten very good very fast at reading each other´s expressions, so you knew she wanted you to when you reached over and slid your hand down her shorts, as she did the same thing to you, your arms touching where they crossed, both of you moving closer together to make it easier; it was very different from the night before, there was a slow sensuality to what you were doing, an intimacy that was pure in the sense that you just wanted to quickly make the other person feel good, no need to get undressed or make it a whole thing, a moment of desire that was comfortable and soft, relaxed positions while hearing the other person sigh and move their hips a little. you reached down each other´s underwear and started doing what you usually did when you masturbated, a laziness to it that lulled you into a state of arousal that was full body, intense but not violent or overwhelming. instinctively you started mirroring what she did, gentle movements at first, faint gasps from both of you, and it became a delicious game very quickly, to feel yourself growing hotter not just from the feeling of her fingers on you but the sounds that you were getting out of her, the sensations equally thrilling. Tess was obsessed with the way your lips parted, how head fell back, the way you needily pushed yourself against her hand, the way your sighs were slowly turning into moans, she could feel herself growing wetter just from that sight, it had been a while since someone had touched her like you were in that moment, so she was sensitive, an immediate throbbing sensation at her core the moment you increased the pressure of your fingers, matching the rhythm she was using on you then, a shared feeling of if i go harder, she´ll be louder, so you ended up pushing each other towards your orgasm at the same time, you didn´t even need to tell each other that you were about to finish because you could tell, your legs touching as you moved around more, finally tensing up as you came and felt the release tingling all over your body, a brief silence after you removed your hands from each other´s underwear and laid flat on your back, satisfied by the unexpected early morning action.
eventually she got up and made a waving motion with her hand to signal to you to the same “okay, we should get going, get your stuff”, which seemed very typically Tess, following up a moment of vulnerability with a return to her stern giving orders vibe, but you didn´t mind at all, it was hot to you, her duality, the fact that she was so sweet to you but also had no problem bossing you around when she wanted to. you could still feel the heat between your legs as you moved to collect your bags and followed her out, a glow to you that was unusual, normally you looked mildly annoyed at that hour while walking to class, so it was a great contrast, to start your day on such a high.
the drive to the breakfast spot only took about fifteen minutes, which was a relief because you were both starving and in need of caffeine. you walked in ahead of Tess and were met by an older woman working there who reminded you of the women you´d grown up around, a cheerful demeanor, a thick accent and the immediate use of words like “ladies” while addressing you both, even though you definitely weren´t too ladylike, especially not Tess. it was an intriguing thing for her to see you talking to the woman as she assigned you both a table, the way you immediately slipped into a different vocabulary, the way she treated you like a sweet daughter of hers even though you were strangers.
all Tess could think in that moment was if you only knew that she just jerked me off, a smugness to it, she liked that it wasn´t obvious at all to people what you were to each other, there was something undeniably sexy about being a secret thing.
after you sat down across from each other there was a moment of silence and it was distinctly different to the kind that had hung between you the day before, it was comfortable and warm instead of apprehensive and charged, the kind that signals to onlookers oh yeah they know each other well, no awkwardness at all. after you ordered a good amount of breakfast foods to share and sat there waiting, you asked, “so, how long are you staying again?”. “two weeks. and I am so fucking glad right now that I declined your dads offer to stay at your guys´s place” she said, leaning back and crossing her arms, “well I´m not.” you said, which made her laugh.
“where are you staying then?”, you inquired, “at a friends place, she and her husband are out of town for a while, I am house sitting in a way” you pondered that, “hm right. you should give me the address”, “should I? so you can do what, come over at night?”, you shrugged, “maybe, yes, I´ll say I am going to a friends house”, “hm, I´ll think about it”, she said, but you both knew she´d tell you of course.
“do you and dad have any plans?” you asked while keeping your hands busy with a paper napkin, absentmindedly ripping small pieces off. “kind of, we´ll go visit our college town one day I think, see how it´s holding up, visit old landmarks of our youth, all that sentimental stuff. other than that not much, guess we´ll see how it plays out. and you?” she said, leaning her head on her hand then, eyeing your curiously, “what about me?”. “you know, what are you gonna do with all your free time when we´re gone”, she asked, you thought about it, “god I don´t know. relax, sleep, go to this cafe I used to basically live in when I still lived at home. oh and I think my best friend from high school is coming back in a few days, so I guess we´ll hang out a bit”, that got her attention then, for some reason she imagined some beautiful prom queen type, luscious hair a bright smile, someone striking and charismatic, “best friend?” she probed, her tone low and a question hidden in there she wouldn´t explicitly ask, which you clocked of course and found charming, her inability to hide that she was the jealous type. “yes, best friend. she´s straight. besides, even if she wasn´t, not my type”, she relaxed a little because she could tell you weren´t lying, “right, a little too young for you, hm?” a cocky grin on her face as she said this, your sudden expression of shock giving away that she´d gotten you good with that one, you shook your head, “unbelievable..”, but you weren´t really offended, it felt good to be messed with.
once the coffee and food were spread out before you, you both stopped talking as you were busy deciding what to indulge in first, you went for the waffles, she went for the pancakes that were generously topped off with chocolate chips and strawberries, a stark contrast to her usual first meal of the day which she hardly ever put much effort into. the thick syrup you poured over the waffles was running down the sides of them and pooling up so you used your finger to clean the plate, licking it off without thinking twice, but after a moment you could tell that Tess had stopped eating and just sat there looking at you, your mouth, you pretended you didn´t notice and decided to fuck with her a little, drawing it out, making it pretty obscene, the way you ran your tongue over your index finger, repeating it once you got the rest of the excess syrup off the edge of your plate; Tess was not subtle with her staring because it stirred something in her, the sight of fingers in your mouth, out of nowhere you felt a pretty hard kick to your legs under the table which made you stop and say “ouch?? what the fuck?”.
“I could ask you the same thing, we´re in public, you´re being mean” she said, “mean?” you said, raising your eyebrows, “yes, you know I can´t do shit right now”, you smiled at her then, pretending you didn´t know what she meant, “and what is it that you wanna do so badly?”, her eyes were still fixed on you, “how about you keep eating instead of giving me hell, could you do that?”, pointing at your cutlery, “sure.” you said, acting all nonchalant, drinking some of the orange juice and grabbing a strawberry from her plate as her demeanor relaxed again, “god..” she uttered under her breath as she picked up her fork again.
“oh by the way, you know you won´t get around at least one dinner with him and me right? he´ll insist”, you said,“yeah I know. should be interesting… I´ll just pretend you have an identical twin sister who is sitting at the table with us instead of you”, you laughed then, “sure, whatever works for you”.
once you were done eating you sat there for a few more minutes, chatting, until you knew it was time to get back on the road. the hours that day predictably passed way faster than the day before, the way they always do when you´re starting to reach the peak of having fun and lose track of time. the first hour went by in a flash, the second was mostly spent telling stories about your lives that might amuse the other person, she of course had more years to choose from than you but you still found a good amount of stories from your adolescence that entertained her, neither of you had talked that much and that openly to someone in what felt like years, so you never ran out of things to say and never got bored, eager to connect and know more, even the seemingly irrelevant details about your lives.your bond seemed solid by that point, even though you´d only met the day before. two and a half hours into your drive the midday sun was beating down on the car and the open windows didn´t help much, so you decided to stop for gas and get some snacks and drinks, planning on a half hour break to cool off and regain some energy.
once you were inside the station, you pulled her towards the back where people could get slushies, at least 10 different flavors to choose from, which didn´t seem like a bad idea to you in that moment. “oh I haven´t had one of these in ages, let´s get some”, she looked at you as you both stood there, “sweetie you know this is literally just sugar and food coloring right? like this is a fucking nightmare for your body”, you rolled your eyes at her, “jesus Tess, I didn´t take you for a health freak”.
“I don´t think it´s a health freak thing to not wanna rot your teeth”, you shoved her in the side then, “oh come on, live a little, you know sometimes the nasty stuff hits the spot”, she grinned then which made you register double entendre there, “oh fuck off just come here and choose, it won´t kill you”, so she gave in “okay okay, let me see”. you took a cup and handed her one too, “we should mix flavors I think, I remember that being good. I´ll do cherry and coke I think, classic. you?”, “hmm, I´ll do blue raspberry and coke”.
after you walked back outside you sat down on the hood of her car, thankfully on your own, taking your first sips at the same time. “okay you´re right this does feel good” she admitted, immediately drinking more, savoring the feeling of the ice melting in her mouth, the sweetness giving her a rush while you just watched her, pleased with the sight of her all absorbed in the drink. after a moment of silence you asked, “wanna try mine?”, leaning over before she could answer, the distinct taste of artificial cherry transferred directly onto her tongue as you gave her a deep kiss, making sure she´d feel the residue of your drink, a quiet moan trapped in her throat as she felt your cold lips against hers, a distinctly youthful feel to it, using the excuse of tasting all the options as an excuse to kiss, to touch tongues, it was pure bliss for a moment, the warmth of the sun contrasted by the freezing drinks in your hands, your sloppy display of affection, the uninhibited nature of your desire for her, a sly grin on your face after you pulled back and licked your swollen lips clean, watching her use her hand to wipe hers while she shook her head and laughed to herself, her face flushed. “god what the fuck am I gonna do..” she said in an existential tone, looking over at you, the way you were using the straw to scoop some of the drink out, “like right now or..?” you joked, clearly understanding what she meant. “it´s gonna be such a nightmare to just leave in two weeks. I´m not built for casual at all, I can´t do all this and then just leave, that´s fucking insane.” you smiled at her, “yeah I know. about that, I kind of had an idea..” she was curious then, listening as you went on “you can say if this would be too much, but I could tell dad that I wanna go back to college a few weeks early, it wouldn´t be weird at all, a lot of people do it, and then I could.. you know. come visit. you could show me your city, your life” a bright expression on your face then as you imagined it. she eyed you, processing your proposal, “you´d do that, really? go behind his back and lie like that to come see me?” you shrugged, “absolutely yes”.
it surprised her that you were willing to do all that and made it sound like the most natural thing in the world, it made it clear to her that she might not be alone in her slightly obsessive mindset when it came to what you two had going on. “I should probably discourage you from doing all that, but who am I kidding, that sounds great.” she thought about it for a second before adding “you´re really just gonna take the risk of living with me for a while?”, you laughed then, “risk? is there something you wanna tell me, criminal record or..?”, Tess shook her head,“no, I mean, not that I am aware of, but you know. you have no idea how I live, how I act in my everyday life, it could be a let down” your expression softened then, you could tell that she wasn´t used to having people stay over. “I grew up with a chaotic single father, I think I can handle about any strange habit you could possibly think of. I bet you´ll have to kick me out in the end because I won´t wanna go back to the dorms” she smiled at you, “well, I´ll drive you back to college then, see how you guys live nowadays. do young people still do a lot of drugs?”, she asked, half joking, “not the crowd I run with. but maybe I should start. any suggestions?”, you were alluding to her past which surely included more than one experiment with recreational drug use “none, don't start, it´s not worth it. but you know, smoking´s fine, your dad would hate that I am saying this to you, but I think weed has a time and place” you nodded, “we should get high together sometime. see what happens”, she nudged your leg with hers, “well I think I know what would happen”, a grin on your face as she said this, “I´d hope so” you said, brushing your knee against hers as you both finished your drinks, getting rid of the cups once there was only a small layer of colorless ice left at the bottom.
you had about four hours of driving left, and after about one too many times of you distracting her by touching her, she took you up on your offer to take a break from driving and let you do it for the remaining distance. “I should have made you take over sooner, this is nice” she sighed, stretching out her legs and getting comfortable, doing the same shameless staring from the side that you´d previously done to her, which you didn´t mind at all.“you´re a better driver than I thought” she remarked, which made you turn to her for a second, “are you insinuating that you think young women are all bad drivers? pretty sexist Tess” you teased, not really meaning it, she smiled, “sure, you know me, huge misogynist”.
for a while then you just discussed the logistics of when and where you could see each other, which places in your hometown you might take her, when you might use the excuse of sleeping over at a friends place to spend the night at her place, and a few times Tess caught herself almost slipping back into the mindset of what the fuck am I doing here, but your words had stuck with her, she couldn´t remember the last time she´d felt that present and glad to be alive, so she thought of the sneaking around as something you just had to do, without building it up to be this huge moral issue.
she looked at you a few times that afternoon and thought about how you had no idea that you were strong in some ways that she wasn´t, that you were teaching her certain things without even trying, it was an unexpected thing in your dynamic, that you were giving each other things that you needed without even having to ask for them. she was giving you a stability and security you´d been missing all your life, so often you´d been around people who stressed you out or who couldn´t control their moods, who relied on you to keep the peace, and being with her brought you a deep sense of calm because she was so opposite that, so attuned to how you were feeling, so willing to be the shoulder to lean on, both physically and emotionally. you were giving her a lightness and lust for life that she had lost a while ago, she was so used to settling for the bare minimum and just letting the days pass her by, that your sense of freedom and your way of making the most out of any situation you were in, paying attention to details and indulging in pleasures no matter how insignificant or strange they might seem, it was waking her senses up again, her need for more, for passion and fire, you were helping her see that there was no point in denying herself joy when it presented itself, just out of the fear that it might not last forever.
around 5 pm you drove into your hometown and both of you suddenly quieted down, knowing that your road trip was reaching its finish line. you parked further down the street on purpose, you wanted privacy and no fear of being seen from the house for your last few moments in the car together, so once you pulled into a spot and turned off the ignition, you both sat there in a charged silence for a moment, a shared feeling of I don´t want this to be over yet.
eventually, you looked at each other and she took your hand, giving you a reassuring squeeze, “ready?”, she said, “no.” you answered, a sharpness to your tone that amused her, watching you as your gaze wandered down onto your lap, the sight of your fingers intertwined, and all of a sudden a violent wave of emotion crashed over you; you realized just how much that time with her had given you, how fulfilled you were, how happy and carefree you felt with her, after missing that feeling for so long. you couldn´t do anything about the fact that you were tearing up and she could tell, “are your crying?” she couldn´t help but smile because she knew they weren´t tears of pain, you turned to her, a little embarrassed about it, looking at her intensely, a gentle touch on your cheek to wipe the tears as she almost felt her eyes glistening too, words weren´t needed, the way you looked at each other said it all. a spontaneous willingness to be risky made you both lean in for a kiss, even though there was a slight chance some neighbor or acquaintance could have been walking down the street, you didn´t care one bit, holding each other´s faces with urgency before pulling away and laughing, realizing at the same time how dramatic you were being. you wiped your eyes and shook your head, “jesus look at me…”, she grinned, “look at us. we´re fucked, aren´t we?”, you smiled at her, nodding, “looks that way”. Tess took the reins and moved to open her door, “okay, come on, we need to go”.
as you walked down the street to your house you pointed out certain things to her, which house belonged to which crazy neighbor, where you´d once almost crashed your dad´s car right after getting your license, which tree you´d climbed when you were a kid.
as you walked up to your house you felt her tap you on the shoulder, “you forgot something” she said, snatching her sunglasses from your head which you´d used to push up your hair during the drive, she put them on, giving herself the comfort of not having to make immediate eye contact with Joel once he opened the door, urging you to take the lead. Tess stood a few feet behind you as you rang the bell and he opened the door, immediately pulling you into a tight embrace, almost crushing you, “my sweet girl, look at you. I swear you get more beautiful each time I see you”, the hug lasted longer than the casual kind because you hadn´t seen each other since Christmas, a slight feeling of self consciousness as he showered you with affection in front of her. eventually you separated and he looked at Tess, a warm expression as you walked past him to get inside and left them standing in there in doorway as she walked closer. Joel greeted her “well well, and who do we have here” gesturing for her to also give him a hug, which she did, “hey Miller, been a while”, “yeah, too damn long” he said, glad to see her in person again since the last time had been over two years ago.
he gave her pat on the shoulder, “I´ve gotta say, you look great” he told her, meaning it, “well, I´d say you do too, but you´ve aged quite a bit, my friend” she teased, which made him laugh, “ah there we go, just what I´ve been looking forward to, your unparalleled charm”. their immediate comfort around each other put her at ease, all the worries she´d had before about facing him after your time together, potential feelings of dread or guilt or terror faded away in an instant, replaced by a sense of excitement as she followed him inside.
you had dropped your bags off at the bottom of the stairs and were waiting for them in the kitchen. once they entered the room he immediately went over to the fridge, “you guys must be dying of thirst, what do you want?”, you and Tess both pointed out the refreshments you wanted and took a few sips after he handed them to you, waiting for him to talk. “be honest with me, did she give you any trouble?” he asked, clearly addressing Tess but you spoke up before she could answer “which one of us are you asking?” you said, which made him laugh, “well, I guess both of you”, Tess chimed in then, “nothing I couldn´t handle”, you added to that, “I mean, putting up with you for two decades was good practice for one day with me I think” you joked, smiling at him, and he was relieved to see that apparently you had gotten along really well, “okay I see, you two seem a few things in common, huh” he was alluding to you both making fun of him, but you and Tess thought, well, you are right about that on many levels.
“so, tell me, what did you guys get up to? how´d the road treat you, hm?” an expectant look on his face as you and Tess briefly locked eyes, “you go” she said, keeping herself busy with her drink as you tried to find a way to talk about what had happened, starting simple with things you´d seen on your drive, what you´d had to eat and drink, little funny moments that you knew would amuse him, people you´d observed at all the stops you´d made, and his face immediately lit up as he heard you talking with enthusiasm, a kind he hardly heard whenever you called from college, a sense of pride over the fact that his idea to get you two together had been a good one.
Tess was lucky that he was busy paying attention to you, because as she listened to you talk from across the counter, the look on her face was not the look of an acquaintance or a friend, it was the distinct look of a lover watching their beloved, the kind that stops people in their tracks on the street with the need to witness proof of just how deeply humans can be impacted by each other, how bright our eyes can shine when we are facing what we love, whom we love.
once it was her turn to talk, it was your turn to be the lovestruck fool, admiring her as she stood there, the memory of her hands on you giving you a warm feeling all over, and all you could think was:
thank god I didn´t say no to going on that trip her. thank god I listened when my heart told me to do the “wrong” thing. thank god we still have the majority of our time together ahead of us, even though it feels like we already spent a lifetime together.
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The attachment issue, Luminara and Anakin
So you know there is moment in clone wars where Barris and Ahsoka get buried under a ton of rocks and their teachers argue about how going rescuing her.
This moment I believe was made to show the problem when the attachment part of the code gets interpreted to it´s extreme conclusion imo.
Here Luminara talks to Anakin about his "attachment issues" that he needs to "let his apprentice go" obey the "will of the force" etc and you know, in normal circunstances, she would not be wrong about telling Anakin "letting go" of people who died some years or even days ago even if it definitely is insensitive and the last thing a grieving person would like to hear at that moment.
The problem here is that she is already talking about Barris and Ahsoka as if they were already dead mere minutes after being buried by rocks and in this particular case, not looking for them after a crash like that, could count as the reason WHY they died, in these cases time is essential to rescue as much people as you can because their oxigen could be cut or they could be crusched etc and I believe a Jedi Master like Luminara would be aware of this but she is too busy criticizing Anakin on his "attachment issues" instead of looking for both padawans with her jedi senses.
Anakin is so used of this happening of having this discussion with the Jedi Order, that he no longer argues with Luminara, he already had this same discussion with Obi-Wan hundreds of times so instead he barely pays her attention because HE IS TOO BUSY looking for Ahsoka to make sure she is still alive to RESCUE HER AND BARRIS but he also takes the time to comfort Luminara when she believes Barris is already dead.
For her part Barris is already getting ready to die almost as if it´s the WILL OF THE FORCE, it isn´t, this made me sad because she truly ressembled the clones who told Plo Koon about no one going looking for them because they are expendable, in Barris case it isn´t the will of the force, she is giving out way too early and is telling Ahsoka to do the same but they are Jedi, they are trained, they can try to scape or call their masters for help which is what Ahsoka does because that´s what Anakin teached her.
In the end Luminara IS HAPPY for getting her padawan back but she still believe she was 100 % right about giving anakin the attachment issue talk not considering the actual circunstances at all, Anakin is happy because Ahsoka and Barris are alive and Ahsoka is happy because she is alive and her master came for her just like he said he would in cases like this one.
But you know who ISN´T COMPLETELY HAPPY? Barris, she is grateful for being alive but she also expected, maybe, a little more worry from her master? who she loves as a mother?
I love how this goes unsaid because before this incident Barris was criticizing Anakin as well, about his "war mongering ways" and while she has not changed her oppinion about him she looks a little bit jealous of the kind of relationship Anakin and Ahsoka have, not because she wants Anakin to be her master, in fact Anakin and Barris are almost the same age but because she would like to have that kind of relationship with Luminara.
This is what I meant when I sa that while in theory the Jedi code is functional, in practice and in it´s interpretation it´s become unbalanced and it´s become a reason for the Jedi lose their balance as well because they have become so dettachted, they have become used to let their own or other people die way too early imo and this is part of why Anakin really could not agree with them, people should care for others, after all that´s what his Mom teached him "the biggest problem in the galaxy is that no one helps each other" right? and in this particular moment he is 100 % right and gets to rescue everybody, for his worry and compassion, those are some of his best qualities and as a jedi he put them in practice to honor his mother.
This also brings the question, does Anakin have attachment issues or he has a problem with the Jedi interpretation of attachment? some food for thought.
#anakin skywalker#meta: anakin#meta:ahsoka#ahsoka tano#luminara unduli#barris offee#star wars#Jedi Order Critical#the attachment issue
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FAKE BLUEPRINTS ( KAVEH )
summary ! even though he rarely goes, kaveh shows up at puspa cafe. this is the unassigned safe spot for his roommate who has a pretty good idea as to why kaveh’s around.
tags ! kaveh x fem reader, fluff, semi coffee shop au, alhaitham being a kaveh hater and kaveh being an alhaitham hater as they should be.
word count ! 1.7k
note: hi hi @scarletwritesshit i was your secret santa for the favonius library event !! i decided to write a kaveh fic for you. i hope you like it MWAH <3 🫶
What is he doing here? Alhaitham glared at Kaveh who had just entered Puspa Cafe. He set his book down on the table, keeping an arm on it so it would stay open. He watched as Kaveh went to an empty table and sat down. The table was at the other end of the room and nearest to the windows. So far, Kaveh hadn’t noticed him. Good, that’s the last thing he wanted.
Alhaitham started coming here for two reasons. One was to study without having his roommate bother him and two was to avoid him.
“Here you go.” You were bringing Alhaitham’s coffee he ordered. He looked away from Kaveh once you were in his eyesight. You held the handle of the cup and the small plate it was on. He asked for the coffee to be hot and the last thing you wanted to do was spill it all over him. Especially since he had his assignments out on the table.
“Thank you.” He said, moving some of the papers so you could place the cup down.
“What are you working on today?” You said, sitting across from Alhaitham. He handed you a sheet of paper that had writing all over it. You skimmed over the handwriting while he went back to his book. “Another language again?”
You were a student from the Akademiya as well and graduated a year ago. Much like Alhaitham, you enrolled at a young age and practically studied your entire life. After graduating, you decided to work at Puspa Cafe to relieve yourself from all the stress you’d gained over the years.
“This one is just for fun.” Alhaitham said before taking a sip of his coffee. You raised an eyebrow at him. His definition of fun was very different than you’d expect.
“(Y/N),” Enteka called out. When you looked over at her, she nodded her head towards Kaveh. Both you and Alhaitham looked in that direction. Once you saw the lonesome guest adjusting his items on the table, you shot up from your seat.
“Ah, hold on. I’ll be right back.” You said and quickly made your way over to the customer you’d missed.
“Take your time.” He mumbled, narrowing his eyes once again at Kaveh.
Alhaitham couldn’t hear the conversation, considering you were on the other side of the room, but he could tell what was being said by your mannerisms. You approached, greeting Kaveh and apologizing for not seeing him earlier. The blond dismissed it. He smiled, a lot more attentive than he usually was.
A few more minutes passed by. As far as Alhaitham is aware, you never met Kaveh while you were in the Akademiya. You might have asked him about the items he had on his table. One of those probably had a symbol relating to the Akademiya. That’s when it clicked.
Kaveh’s not here to study or to have a drink or to even relax after a day at the Akademiya. Alhaitham closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He exhaled loudly, losing his patience.
This idiot likes her. He said to himself.
You eventually left and began to help Enteka with the order. Kaveh was still in the dark about his roommate glaring from across the room.
Alhaitham closes his book and pays close attention as Kaveh does absolutely nothing with the papers on the table. He is pretending like he’s working on some assignment for his class. Drawing random lines and using random tools he brought for the fake blueprints.
When you return to his table, you have a similar cup that all guests received whenever they ordered coffee. You place it down, letting him know something else. All Alhaitham can gather is Kaveh nodding and reaching for his cup of coffee too early.
His hand knocked into the cup. Though, your hand was still lingering around so you assumed you were the one who knocked the cup over. He shot out of the booth while you stepped back. The drink spilled all over the fake blueprints. You were glad you carried a rag around with you for these exact moments.
“Oh, I apologize!” Kaveh said. “You didn’t get burned did you?” He leaned over your shoulder as you pushed the rag down on the table to gather the excess coffee. You’re more worried about the stained blueprints.
“No, I’m fine.” You smiled, showing your free hand. You were grateful you managed to pull back at the last second. “I’m very sorry. All your papers have coffee on them now.” You peeled back one of the blueprints from the table. Kaveh was getting all the sheets that thankfully didn’t get wet in the process.
“It’s alright. They weren’t that important anyway.” He said, shaking his head. “It’s really my fault. I should have waited until you put the cup down.” You gave him a dismissive wave and chuckled softly.
“Don’t worry. I’ll place a new order.” You smiled to let him know everything was fine. “If the papers weren’t that necessary, I’ll clean the mess up. In the meantime, please feel free to sit anywhere else and I’ll bring you your drink once it’s done.”
By now, Alhaitham had gone back to his book. He heard the wooden booth across from him creak. He glanced up from the page he was on to see Kaveh settling down. He was staring at you as you cleaned up the mess and then went to throw away the trash. Alhaitham shut his book, making Kaveh jump in his seat. His head whipped back to his roommate who never looked happy to see him.
“What are you doing?” Alhaitham asked, placing the book down on the table. He crossed his arms over his chest.
“You have to help me out.” Kaveh whispered. “I knocked the cup over and ruined everything.”
“No.”
“What do you mean no? How can you say no to someone in dire need?” Kaveh clicked his tongue, furrowing his eyebrows and crossing his arms in a similar gesture.
“I can’t say no to someone in need but I can say no to you.” Alhaitham said, organizing his papers. Since Kaveh thought it was a good idea to join him at the table, he’d go to Lambad’s Tavern and study there instead.
“Wait, please!” Kaveh begged. He held his hands together in a pleading manner. “I know you’re friends with her! I just need your help in asking her out on a date. Do this favor for me once and I’ll never ask for anything again.”
After a brief silence, Alhaitham let out a loud sigh.
“Fine.”
“Yes, thank you!” Kaveh exclaimed.
“There you are.” You said once you finally found where Kaveh had gone to sit. It was an odd choice since he chose to sit with Alhaitham instead of another table. “Here’s your drink again. I’m really sorry about that. Enteka said she’s not going to charge you anything.” Kaveh began reaching out to grab the new cup from your hands. You were a lot more careful this time to pass the cup.
“No, no. It was my fault.” He said, which it really was. Alhaitham rolled his eyes as his roommate continued rambling. “I was careless and—”
“Kaveh would like to ask you out on a date.” Alhaitham blurted out. The other gasped loudly. The cup clattered against the small plate underneath and his head whipped over to the grey haired male. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. You had become flustered at the sudden forwardness.
“That is— Don’t listen to him!” Kaveh set the cup down. His cheeks were beginning to turn red and pointed at Alhaitham in an accusatory way. “He’s simply making all that up!” He started to wave his hands around frantically. Alhaitham scoffed. He turned to look at you while Kaveh tried to cover up the statement.
“(Y/N), my roommate here is very shy—” Alhaitham said, motioning towards Kaveh.
“Alhaitham, stop it!” He said in return. Of course, he didn’t listen and continued to talk over him. Your eyes flicked from one to the other. You weren’t really sure of what was going on except for the fact that Kaveh might have some sort of crush on you.
“He came today to get the courage so he could ask you out on a date.” Alhaitham picked up his book along with his remaining materials and slipped out of the booth. He kept ignoring Kaveh insults which had a range in variety. They’d go from, ‘Would you shut up?’ to ‘You’re the most unreliable person in the entirety of Teyvat!’. “As you can see, he’s very interested in you. I say you can do better but I’m sure he’ll treat you well.”
“Can do better?! That’s low and you know it!” Kaveh slammed a fist on the table. His face had gone completely red from embarrassment. He placed a hand on his forehead to hide himself from you. If he’d known he would have gotten outed like this, he’d never ask Alhaitham for help.
“I did my part.” Alhaitham tucked his book underneath his arm. He stacked his papers together on the table to get them in a neat pile. “I let her know you’re interested and all you need to do is not come to Lambad’s Tavern.” He doesn’t say another word. He only gave you a knowing look and left the cafe. He didn’t even get a chance to enjoy his coffee.
You glance back at Kaveh. His head hangs, too embarrassed to look you in the eye. His whole plan had been ruined when he knocked his drink over but Alhaitham somehow managed to make things worse.
“That was mean of him to do that to you.” You spoke up and sat in the empty spot Alhaitham was once at. You glanced over at the door to see if any new customers were arriving. “Is he always like that with you?” Kaveh rubbed the back of his neck before clearing his throat.
“We have our moments. I simply didn’t expect him to do all… That.” He averted his eyes again. “Listen, you can ignore him. I understand he took things too far with what he said.”
“It’s fine. I know Alhaitham can be hard to deal with.” You said. You checked the area. There weren’t too many people in the cafe. The ones that did remain were guests you’d already attended to. Enteka is usually willing to let you go early around these times. “Well, if you’re not too busy at the moment. I’d like to go on that date with you.”
Kaveh’s spirits were lifted up. He raised his eyebrows, a soft pink hue covering his cheeks. Maybe he should say thank you to Alhaitham for once.
#@ 𝐘𝐘𝐔𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐒 ★ ⸻ 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐍 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐀𝐂𝐓#favoniuslibrary#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact x you#genshin impact fluff#genshin impact kaveh#genshin fluff#kaveh fluff#kaveh x reader#kaveh x you#genshin kaveh x reader#genshin kaveh
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Hii, I hope you're well and I wanted to ask a question about something more practical: I've read a couple of times that you shouldn't try to control or change your thoughts and also actions because our very fighting gives them life and that it's better to just observe and witness. But I also remember reading a post of yours that talked about how dropping habits (which kinda leads to your actions/thoughts changing) or clearing the subconscious is a way to let go of the ego and now I'm a bit unsure what I should do? I like the idea of dropping habits as a way to drop the ego but I worry that it's gonna get me more involved in it as well. Idk if this made sense lmao😭
Yes it makes sense, I know what you're asking (I had the same confusion once as well haha). The short answer is there is no right or wrong approach as the ones you mentioned are all valid but there are more appropriate and effective approaches for each of us, and that all depends on us personally - it's something you just have to figure out for yourself based on trial and error, also keeping in mind that the practices can be done for a bit and then dropped for something else later when it feels right to do so.
I suggest you read the answer in this ask on mind purification and also the linked articles if you feel called to.
Basically the purpose and goal of mind purification is to remove a lot of the mental junk (aka samskaras) that makes the mind noisy so it can be calm and quiet enough for one to abide in the Self. Sure, you can try jump straight to abiding in Self (such as witnessing) but most people will not be able to sustain this for very long (if at all) without taming the mind through spiritual practice first.
Paul Brunton calls mind purification the prepatory stage or the "long" path that is necessary for most people and the "short" path is where one basically abandons all effort to do with the mind (knowing that it cannot be completely purified as it is always creating new thoughts) and goes straight to abiding in Self (and there can also be phases where one is doing both simultaneously as a transition period). Being on the long path is what then makes the short path possible and easy. Trying to do the short path prematurely won't result in much (let me know if anyone wants more details on the short and long paths). Even the realized beings who realized themselves at an early age were only able to do so because of their previous incarnations which they spent on the long path (as Robert Adams has said before).
Here is some further explanation:
Whenever attention is taken away from objects and put back on itself (awareness), it will start dissolving the knot of ignorance. Usually, this is hard to do because our mental tendencies and habits make objectless awareness or the state of empty consciousness challenging to abide in and sustain. Paying attention to an object is so much easier than paying attention to no object at all!
That’s why aspirants generally start by practicing easier forms of meditation like breath-awareness, or even grosser forms of spirituality like dualistic bhakti rituals. All of these have the purpose of calming the mind and of purifying it so that it can sustain prolonged attention on an objectless awareness.
They talk about using meditation and physical rituals to calm and purify the mind however I personally found releasing to be most effective (of course it is going to vary from person to person).
Even Buddha and Lester Levenson did mind purification which made their enlightenment possible :) I recently discovered there's actual records of Buddha's discourses (part of the Pali Canon) that were preserved and translated. In this one, he talks about facing his fears and dreads until they were gone.
I considered thus: 'Whenever recluses or brahmins unpurified in verbal conduct, unpurified in mental conduct, unpurified in livelihood resort to remote jungle-thicket resting places in the forest, they evoke unwholesome fear and dread. But I am purified in livelihood
While I dwelt there, a wild animal would come up to me, or a peacock would knock off a branch, or the wind would rustle the leaves. I thought: 'What now if this is the fear and dread coming?' I thought: 'Why do I dwell always expecting fear and dread? What if I subdue that fear and dread while keeping the same posture that I am in when it comes upon me?'
"How would it be if in the dark of the month, with no moon, I were to enter the most strange and frightening places, near tombs and in the thick of the forest, that I might come to understand fear and terror. And doing so, a wild animal would approach or the wind rustle the leaves and I would think, 'Perhaps the fear and terror now comes.' And being resolved to dispel the hold of that fear and terror, I remained in whatever posture it arose, sitting or standing, walking or lying down. I did not change until I had faced that fear and terror in that very posture, until I was free of its hold upon me. And having this thought, I did so. By facing the fear and terror I became free." (summarised it a bit since the way they write is a bit repetitive)
If you look from Passage 27 of that linked sutta, he talks about the knowledge he gained directly from Self/Source/"That"/Brahman which was possible because of his purified mind "When my concentrated mind was thus purified, bright, unblemished, rid of imperfection, malleable, wieldy, steady, and attained to imperturbability, I directed it to knowledge of the recollection of past lives. This was the first true knowledge attained by me in the first watch of the night. Ignorance was banished and true knowledge arose, darkness was banished and light arose, as happens in one who abides diligent, ardent, and resolute." The other knowledge he gained in that same night: knowledge of the passing away and reappearance of beings, and knowledge of the destruction of the taints.
When I knew and saw thus, my mind was liberated from the taint of sensual desire, from the taint of being, and from the taint of ignorance. When it was liberated, there came the knowledge: 'It is liberated.' I directly knew: 'Birth is destroyed, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being.'
Reading the recount of Buddha's enlightenment reminded me so much of Lester Levenson's own self-realization and enlightenment (he didn't read these discourses either) because he also did releasing to purify his own mind by correcting his past and thoughts from non-love to love and then later on he did self-inquiry and meditation (read the excerpts from here and here) and he also talked of the insights he gained directly from Self as a result of his awakening.
Toward the end of my period of seeking, l one day saw that, my gosh! This whole thing is like a dream in my mind, just like a night dream! And it's a dream that never really was any more than a dream you had last night was. Was it a real thing, that dream you had last night? No. It was only in your mind. But of course until one awakens out of this everyday waking state, it seems real to one. The new reality was that I am, and that's all there is! That my beingness is the changeless essence of the universe, of course, I was punch-drunk, slap-happy, and in a state of euphoria. In this state the whole world looks perfect. Looking at my body, I also saw this body as part of that perfection. This instantly corrected all my ailments.
Lol this ended up being quite a long answer but I wanted to show why mind purification is important and necessary on this path using examples from people I'm confident were truly fully realized beings and went all the way. I don't agree with a lot of the current teachings which just say not to do anything, that there is nothing to do. If that were true, why do people even come to seek spirituality in the first place and want to turn away from the material life?
Of course you are already the Self! Of course there is nothing to accomplish from the perspective of the Absolute. Of course there is no goal because who you truly are is already enlightened. But do you feel that way? Are you entirely free from suffering, ever at peace, bliss and with genuine (nonintellectual) wisdom?
If you follow this type of Neo-Advaita teaching, from either the “nothing to do” or the “you are already enlightened” school, you will go nowhere. At best, you will stagnate in a tiny “peace-empty” feeling after doing 5 minutes of intellectual Self-inquiry, and then you’ll believe that you are enlightened, especially if the teacher or guru says “Yes, that is the Self! You have awakened!” Then you can become a guru too.
In all seriousness, the aforementioned is what’s trending nowadays. It may have its purpose in certain circumstances, but it is mostly deceiving and unhelpful. All genuine and truthful Gurus, such as the Buddha, Lahiri Mahasaya, and Ramana Maharshi preached the importance of spiritual practice.
So basically, dropping habits/limitations/ego and clearing the subconscious isn't getting more involved in it, it's part of being on the long path and purifying the mind! Eventually, even this practice is to be dropped so you can just easily abide in Self as the observer on the short path with a clear mind. Of course in the end it is all up to you. Your inner guidance will tell you what is right :)
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my gjhm hcs/prompts/scenario/drabbles 5️⃣🎶💘
more personal hcs i have! also in continuation/addition to my utahime hcs post 👍 this is just a mix of gjhm, utahime and some sprinkle of utashoko, sugushoko hcs if you stare hard enough..
i stand by the idea that these two started out as hot and cold frenemies during their time as students. so not exactly fluffy/shippy material here but i digress, it's fun to speculate what gjhm were like as annoying students getting on everyone's nerves.. i think those two would have been adorable, funny, and annoying 😂
also, i wrote this in mind that gojo is the one that fell first and fell hard for utahime. so almost everything here is just a perspective of someone crushing on their senpai LMAO. in my head, utahime doesn't start noticing gojo until they're both in their twenties. i feel those two would be a slow burn like a very angsty slow burn 🫠🫠🫠
note: i had to research more of the tokyo tech school, calculate the years, ages to try and be accurate as possible to the canon timeline. this long list starts at around 2005/2006 pre-HI arc. if gege doesn't state something explicitly, i feel it's free real estate to interpret and develop headcanons 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
young gojo and utahime formally met around late spring to early summer of 2005 and immediately had a rocky start. they met through shoko one afternoon after class. however, gojo has already known about utahime prior to this. while not paying attention to yaga's lecture. he noticed the senior singing to herself as she tended the campus community garden with the other upperclassmens/sorcerers. her soothing voice is what he notices first
gojo was awe struck by utahime at first glance and it's been bad for him since then. his senior who is 2-almost 3 years older, short, calm and too easy of a target to pick on is very much adorable when angy
bc of the nature of shoko and utahime's CT, they're often at the main campus ground together. they'll hang out in the infirmary or chilling somewhere nearby. post missions, the boys tend to visit the infirmary just to annoy them and get treatments/checkups even if they don't have a visible scratch
the gang made it a tradition to have dinner every sunday, every week as possible. it started with utashoko going to a potluck/bbq restaurant frequently until the boys learned about it and crashed it >_>. since then, they have dinner at campus where they all cook together. everyone has to pitch in. utahime likes to incorporate in-season crops to the cooking. gojo doesn't usually eat veggies but somehow can have seconds of songstress's hotpot
when on missions, utahime keeps a journal and a camera to document memories. gojo makes fun of her for it, but ends up enjoying it and helping her with the camera work, finding spots to take pics. he sometimes helps take pics too bc of his tall stature
the tokyo tech high campus is LOUD when gjhm are bickering. and they're always bickering! it doesn't matter who started it (it's gojo always), so those two end up getting scolded by yaga often
on days when utahime is paired with another sorcerer for support, the campus is quiet and gojo is sad :(. when he gets sent to missions, he doesn't get the same support. he's aware he's a special grade and don't need it but it's so boring to do it alone!
when utahime comes back from missions, she always brings back treats and souvenirs for everyone. yes, that includes her annoying junior who in return starts doing the same thing at his missions. she ends up bringing him sweets, like tons of sweets she thinks he'll like (he does). gojo started doing the same gesture but he tends to lie that he didn't bring anything for utahime--which she'll say she doesn't care. but by the time she returns to her room, she'll find a gift bag and a note placed on her desk from the same junior who likes to be dramatic about everything
since utahime is the top student at their campus and aces every exam they have. it's become a thing for her to lead their study sessions. she does her best to tutor and simplify things for them. gojo tends to be a distraction at first but tends to help her out on these sessions. they end up pass out next to each other with his uniform jacket placed on her as a blanket. the others often wake up early before those two and notes how peaceful they are
sugushoko definitely picks up on gojo's crush on utahime before gojo is even aware himself. they been quiet about it the whole time, just watching the disaster unfold. shoko brings up the idea of mentioning it to one of them at one point but geto wants to see how much longer until one of them realizes it or something funny happens
geto one day asks gojo who's his type. gojo's answer makes it so obvious he's describing utahime but he doesn't even know. geto teases him that he just described their senior. gojo just gives him an annoyed look and changes the subject
shoko just drops the information about gojo's crush to utahime out of the blue and utahime just gives her a disgusted look. "gojo just likes to be a brat." utahime goes into a long tangent about gojo. shoko notes the songstress definitely does not look at gojo like that except as an annoying junior and laughs to herself about it. poor gojo 🤭
utahime gets asked out a lot by upperclassmen and non-sorcerers. it definitely doesn't bother gojo! nope, not at all! but he makes it a goal to disturb whoever he sees talking to his senior when utahime should be studying or tutoring. their courtship is distracting the flow of education! utahime ends up apologizing for her junior's bratty actions
december 2005: gojo turns 16 and the new years are near. the trio decides to celebrate over break. everyone except utahime are present during this month. due to the songstress graduating in a few months, she's been occupied in missions back to back. it doesn't bother gojo that she's not present during his bday or the gang's winter break or for new years celebration. but he is annoyed he doesn't even get a simple text or email from her! what kind of senior is she not to acknowledge her junior's bday or greet a simple new years? he definitely does not miss her or wait for her message on his phone 💢🙄
what he doesn't expect is to find himself walking to campus in the crisp january weather after new years. he sees utahime sitting on one the benches. she stands up after noticing him and waves at him. gojo quickens his steps towards her, already planned out what snarky comment to say. what he doesn't expect is for her to suddenly reach out a big giftbag to him. gojo pauses and looks at her. "happy belated birthday and a happy new year, gojo"
utahime's gifts to him were handful of sweets, varying from different prefectures. there are mochi, chocolate, pastries, etc. one that stood out to him was a stuffed white cat keychain wearing some dark glasses. she states she saw it and thought it resembled him. she got matching ones for sugushoko as well and can't wait to give it give to them. gojo doesn't have a joke or anything in return to say and thanked her for the gifts. he doesn't end up using the keychain but places it in his desk inside his campus room. displaying it neatly next to his lamp and a picture of their friend group
gjhm rarely fights. sure, they get into arguments, bickering contests, loud banter--but fights are very rare. when they do fight, it's usually something that started from stubbornness, pettiness, even miscommunication. but they're both willing to apologize soon right after the heat of the moment ends. they don't like giving each other the cold shoulder
since gjhm are pretty young and are still inexperienced, i think them apologizing won't be so direct. they're both equally stubborn when it comes to each other and stumble with getting their thoughts across but they'll make it up halfway towards other means (likes small gifts, tea, nonchalant convos about it, etc)
#gojohime#gojo x utahime#gouta#i ran out of characters so i have to continue number 18 on the next post LMAO IM SORRY#i might as well write a fanfic of them bc holy these hcs are heading towards fanfic prompts#my posts
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Had a conversation with some friends recently about whether or not Zuko's redemption was inevitable, and am curious about your thoughts on it.
Like, if Zuko had been never been banished, or if he had actually successfully returned with the avatar early into his banishment, would his kind heart still eventually force him to confront the evil in his nation?
Opinions from our discussion included "yes, even as a young child he was disturbed by the violence and cruelty he was surrounded with, so obviously he'd eventually do something about it" to "no, he idolized his father and would have eventually killed his own kindness to try to live up to expectations" to "he'd try to be a kind ruler when he inherited, but wouldn't ever see the problem with imperialism," and like half a dozen more.
All of these are possibilities, although it also depends on what changes from canon. Remember that the reason Zuko was banished was because he spoke up against the cruelty he saw around him, so it's hard to imagine a Zuko who would have never spoken up, even over love of his father. Zuko in canon didn't even realize he had spoken against his father because he was naive enough to think his father would agree with what he knew was the right thing to do. One of the differences between Zuko and Azula, I think, is that Azula is able to realize at a younger age that her father was a cruel person and to please him, she also had to be cruel. Zuko thinks his father is good, and so thinks he's defending his nation when he speaks out.
I think a Zuko who is able to ignore what he knows is right to please his father is older and more aware that what is happening is wrong, but more able to compartmentalize. Zuko when he goes back to Ozai in book three could have become this, but by that time I think he's already too far gone to truly go back to the FN.
The "trying to be a good imperialist" is something that I think the show addresses in book two when Zuko imagines himself as firelord without the scar, wavering between the dragon with Azula's voice encouraging him to ignore everything and the dragon with Iroh's voice warning him to pay attention to the danger. I think this is Zuko's own subconscious showing him a possible future where he tries to be a kind ruler working within the FN regime, but the dream ends in everything falling to ruin, showing Zuko's awareness that this would not be a good future. There's a parallel there with King Kuei being ignorant of the corruption in his own country.
I think though that when people talk about this they often ignore another future, because they forget that Zuko's conflict with Ozai isn't just about his good heart. I do think Ozai's resentment of Zuko is related, obviously Zuko's kindness is another sign to Ozai that he is weak. But it's also less about what Zuko does and more about how Ozai sees his children. Parents like that don't really see their children as people, just roles to fill for the parent's own fulfillment. Ozai chose Zuko as his scapegoat so I think whatever Zuko did would have been something Ozai saw fault in, even if Zuko tried his hardest to be the most ruthless version of himself he could be.
What I'm getting at is that if it wasn't the 41st regiment that caused Ozai to hurt Zuko it would have been something else, even if Zuko chose to ignore his conscience. It might have been his bending, it might have been literally anything that made Ozai decide to punish Zuko, because it's not about what Zuko did, it's about Ozai having a psychological need to control and humiliate and hurt Zuko. And a parent who does that once to a child is likely to do it again, and the first time was bad enough.
So like, the other possibility if Zuko never was banished and never defected is that Ozai actually kills him.
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( 2 / 2 )
"We've never... had a normal life to begin with." Megumi admits in retrospect, fully aware of his own life having been defined by the ten shadows since the early age of four. Yuuji, who's been defined a million different ways up until this point: Kenjaku's Inheritor, Vessel for Sukuna... his life hasn't been his own in months, perhaps years. Megumi could empathize.
"If I survived... I wouldn't know what to do with myself, Umi." Yuuji admits quietly, looking down and away from Megumi's intense gaze, finding a suitably empty spot to place his eyes. Even so, he doesn't escape for long, as Megumi moves and catches his attention all over again. (He always did that.)
"I have a suggestion for what you could do."
"...?"
"Live with me." Megumi offers the foreign suggestion gently, uncertain and unstable as he poses the answer to a question that has Yuuji's life hanging on it. He even take the time to hold Yuuji's face, to make sure he's paying attention, taking in what he's saying, brushing Yuuji's cheek with a thumb, making physical contact with the other boy's skin. As he does, Yuuji leans into the touch, looking at Megumi like he's quite possibly the only good thing still left in the world.
Truthfully, Yuuji's always been thinking of seconds into the future, never days, or god forbid he entertained the idea of living past his twentieth birthday. It's been a fight for survival for so long that his body and mind didn't know how to operate without the pressure, the pressing intensity. The idea of living without the constant threat of death, of maybe getting away from this life... unthinkable.
"Maybe life a normal life after all of this is over? We don't have to be sorcerers."
"...No? What would we be...?"
"Whatever we want."
Yuuji's eyes rest down on his white outfit, the burial kimono still very much tied in a dead man's design, indicative of his execution and his wishes to go through with it. As he stares, he entertains all of Megumi's words. It's true, he's scared to die. He's been scared to die since he faced the fingerbearer, since Sukuna saw and made fun of him for breaking down, he doesn't want to die. If Megumi's ideal world was possible... then he wanted to take the chance. If he could have those things, if they could settle, have a life together, then ... he had to take that chance with both hands.
Noting the neckline's burial position, Megumi takes both his hands and lifts the collar, wrapping it again in a proper design, one that designated Yuuji's position as a living, breathing person not on the edge of death. "... I like it better like this anyway."
Yuuji watches him rearrange the neckline, fully declaring him a member of the world of the living rather than a newly deceased member of hell. (Surely, that's where someone like him would be going, right?) There's a breath finally released, a kind of tilted smile, mixed between a sigh of exasperation and one of amusement. Yuuji's eyes draw up again, falling on Megumi's with a newly rekindled hope in them. Distant, perhaps, mere kindling to what had once been a blaze, but it was there.
"... I guess I'll just... follow you."
Yuuji's always followed Megumi. Followed him when he first ran into the school, when he was first introduced to curses, ran to find him plenty of times, but now ... he had a hold on Megumi. A firm one, one he wouldn't let go of at all. Not for anything. Not now.
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Demon Bride Ch19 More Curiouser Still
(DISCLAIMERS AND IMPORTANT INFO!!!: EVERYONE in this story is in their early 20s-30s! This story will contain mentions of past abuse and death! I'll be keeping it as SFW. Some backstories have been slightly altered for this particular story, and some characters cannonically dead or harmed is alive and well. I own nothing.
Credit to @flanelltees for the designs I based the demons off to look more demon-like with tails and pointed ears.
This story will be sfw, but there will be some blood, implied death, fighting, some gore mentioned, and a few other things that will be made aware by warnings. Pay attention to warnings at the top of any chapters just under the summery please.)
Once in the mountain villages it was a custom that once a year on the night of the new year's first moon, an unlucky young lady would be selected and left for the demons to become one of the unlucky few who married such a husband. In exchange for this offering the demons would protect the villages and leave the humans in peace. Until one day a powerful warrior drove the demons away freeing the humans of them. Now 2,000 years later, it's become a tradition that once a year, a new young lady would be picked and wait for her future husband to retrieve her from a shrine in the mountains. And now the lucky tradition would fall upon Y/n L/n. It would be her own turn to take on the tradition and not have to worry about demons. After all that part of the old tradition was just fake, made up by paranoid ancestors. Everyone knew demons didn't exist.
...Right
(WARNINGS!!!: None this chapter)
First Part Here:
Demon Bride Ch 1 Thus It Begins
(WARNINGS AND DISCLAIMERS!!! EVERYONE in this story is in their early 20s-30s! This story will contain mentions of past abuse and death! I'l
TUMBLR
Last Part Here:
Next Part Here:
First of all the Q and A answers. Thank you to EVERYONE who asked questions. Secondly the chapter will be under neath the answers. I'll be answering them all to the best of my ability without outright spoiling the story outright. I won't be listing anyone names or be saying who asked what, but rest assured your question will be here if you asked one since I copy pasted them all here. If there is more than one question next to one another then it's because the person asked more than one question. Now without further delay- Let's get into the answers and then the next chapter underneath them!
*can you give any kind of Idea when reader might meet hantengi or his sons?
Yes! Hantengi will be in this chapter and his sons will be later.
*do breathing styles exist here if not how are demons killed?
Yes and no. The Haishira still use breathing styles but in this au storybook it's to protect others not just necessarily on demons. Some demons can use breathing styles as well. Demons in this au can be killed by other demons, nichirin metal, wysteria, and certain things they're personally allergic too. They can also die from old age but they can live for a very, VERY long time
*How does death work in this book of yours?
The same way it works in the cannon manga.
*Does Mc have a heartbeat?
Yes she does.
*Is it possible that Tamayo/MC's demon ancestors are alive because demons can live hundreds of years?
Yes but who's to say how exactly closely related they are.
*so I wanna ask that was that warrior was yorichii?
Maybe.
*Are people like Gyokko going to be love interests?
No
*Have you watched season 3 of Kny?
Yes
NOW THE RESULTS OF THE VOTING POLL!!! It was a tough decision with many votes but the results have been counted and the major fight will be-
UZUI TENGEN'S UNNAMED BROTHER VS GYUTARO!!
Thank you to everyone for voting! Uzui TENGEN'S Unnamed Brother won at 18 votes while The Swamp Demon had 13 votes. It was a close win but at the end everyone wanted Uzi's brother.
HOWEVER!!!
IF you want to still see The Swamp Demon vs someone else then chose between these some fights I have in mind for a kidnapped reader. Would you all rather have-
A: The Swamp Demon Vs Douma
B: The Swamp Demon Vs Enmu
Or
C: The Swamp Demon Vs Kokushibo
I'll tally up the votes and decide which of the three I'll do next chapter. That is all the questions. Again thank you everyone for answering and if you continue below, you'll be able to read the next chapter. Make sure to heed the warning on top of all chapters.
*********************************************************
The sun outside was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen.
Or it would be if you could see it.
The forest was still dense with the tallest trees with the thickest trunks you'd ever seen. There was so many of them, and so close together that their branches and leaves wove together to shade most of the brush underneath as you both passed by. It made for a good place to hide during summer days when the heat became too bearable. At night however it was a scary place as you've experienced first hand. Many hiding places especially amongst the nightfall where not even the moonlight can reach them. It made a scowl be grimaced at the thought of the memories.
"Rotten pig arses."
"Stop moving about. It'll make it harder to carry you."
Your weight was shifted under two of her arms as she walked briskly I'm great strides, in a way that told anyone she was eager to get to where she was going. On her back she carried you, your arms switching between wrapped around her neck and gripping the fabric of her kimono from her back as she held you there with one pair of arms tightly gripping around your legs so you rode piggy back. You found the ride annoying as at any moment you could lose your grip and fall off from all the jostling and fast pace Eri had been making for the last hour. It had been exactly an hour since you asked Kyogai to let the both of you go and the both of you snuck away from the front entrance where you first entered in, and Eri had grabbed you and insisted on leaving right then and there. In fact it her her who insisted and was her idea to carry you on her back to get there faster...No. You weren't given a chance to say no-
"We'll be in trouble if we don't be back soon, and it'll be faster if I just carried you. And you're forgetting something. You're still recovering. The journey is too far for you to physically walk yourself without risk of injury again. I'll carry you to be safer and we may return at an earlier time."
And so you were hoisted onto her back before she began run-walking off in a direction that she seemed to have taken hundreds of times before by how precise she was navigating. Taking some Sharp turns around trees, and jumping over giant roots, and pushing through brush and bushes. It was surprisingly beautiful for a Forrest full of hidden demons. Blossoms were starting to bud and more green coming to be seen. It was almost sad you weren't out to experience this. You missed this. You missed going outside . Feeling the sun and wind softly touch your skin. Letting your eyes see the wonders of the world. Feeling the freedom running through your veins when your feet would walk around farther and farther away from the life you once had. Not that you complained too much about your old life. After all you were extremely lucky compared to other people.
You had a grandmother who was hard on you...a LOT, and who you were forced to care for...A LOT. But you did have at least some semblance of a family when others didn't. You had a house. A very old and damaged house that wouldn't last you for another year as the ceiling was falling in. But at least you had a place to call home. You had a bed. Granted it was so worn that there was literal holes to the floor and it didn't even keep you warm. But at least you could say you at least had a bed when others were forced to sleep on the bare ground. You even had some land. Granted you couldn't ever properly tend to it all with how busy you were but at least you could say you got to own your own land. You even had lots of money from all your hard work to show for it, even if you had to give it all away in the end for freedom. And then leave everything else behind in order to flee for your freedom.
You never regretted that decision to leave. It still felt like a heavy burden was lifted off your shoulders after a long trudge. There were some things you regretted. You regretted tricking Mitsuri. You regretted forcing Kanae into a marriage perhaps she wasn't ready for. You regretted possibly getting Genya into trouble. You regretted not listening to the old man's words to wait until morning before climbing the mountain further. You regretted running away from Kaigaku the first time. If you'd listen or just waited for Kaigaku to throw you out in the beginning then you probably wouldn't be here waiting so long to recover and continue on with life...If you ever had a chance in the future, you'd make it a trip to go back to your village and apologize for that. But not now. Not when you could be forced back into a unwanted marriage as revenge or something. You briefly wondered who might've been your newly arranged husband if you stayed. It wouldn't have been Sanemis or Genya since you did manage to pay back a debt and strunk that deal with your Elder. But you were still picked and would've been married to someone else if not the brothers. If could've been anyone from that young Rengoku warrior to just another young farmer in the village. Maybe it could've worked out? Maybe whoever you would've married if you stayed would've been in fact your soulmate and you would've fallen in love. Or maybe it would've been the worse man ever who would've demanded everything of you and be very violent. Or it could've been the most boring, annoying, spoiled man ever. Or a person who'd always love another and not even look your way for the rest of your lives. All of those were bad possibilities that you couldn't risk. Too risky. At least if you were free you'd be free to find someone in your own time.
If you even wanted to settle down that is.
You couldn't imagine yourself being forced to give up any and all freedom and decision making to someone you're supposed to love. Being forced to just stay home all day cleaning the house constantly and being forced to raise a whole bunch of children by yourself 95% of the time and being at his beck and call on top. Not to mention of he had terrible in-laws.
NONE OF THAT SOUNDED APPEALING AT ALL!!
You weren't even sure you wanted to be a mother. There was already so many children who were orphaned or came from bad homes who needed more help. Perhaps when you decided not to travel anymore, you'd open a children's home. That would be a good thing to do with your life. Taking in a child who might need help- You nearly fell over with a yelp as Eri took a sharp turn around a giant tree.
"Hey. T-Take it easy!," You yelped between sharp sways, your grip on her kimono becoming tighter. This was worse than riding a wild mule!
"We're almost there!," Eri exclaimed excitedly followed by a giddy smile. "I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and the universe blessing me!! I'm coming my love!!"
And there was Eri's usual self excitedly bouncing back to happiness. If you weren't holding on for dear life, you would've laughed happily at her reaction. Reminded you of Mitsuri in some ways only Eri wasn't as naive as Mitsuri had been and she listened to you. Most of the time. If you had to chose, you would've gladly called her your very first friend. Her happiness made her give off larger bounds before she was forcing herself past a series of bushes. Branch after branch, leaves after leaves smacked your face causing your eyes to close and you to yell out to Eri. To slow down. To take it easy. Of course she didn't and kept going on for another minute solid before you suddenly stopped. The suddenlness of it sent you smacking into Eri's back. Your head spun and you groaned out-
"We're here!!"
Purple eyes blinked and slowly things came back into focus, and you gaped at what you saw. It was a series of ponds alright. Three decently sized ponds in the middle of a small clearing in the vast forest. The one you stood in front of was around fourteen feet wide and so murky you couldn't tell how deep it was. Surrounding the edges of the ponds were many lilypads, and cattails, and many frogs croaked their greetings if they hadn't already jumped into the water frightened by Eri's sudden arrival. Rare sunlight gleamed through the small open space above them warming the water from the usual shade. It was kinda pretty you had to admit. But where was Eri's fiance-
"KOMOKI!!" You winced. A loud shrill yell piercing the air (and your eardrums) as Eri cupped her free hands cupped around her mouth as she happily yelled out. "KOMOKI MY DARLING!! MY LIVE!! MY BELOVED GROOM TO BE!! I'M HERE FOR YOU!!" Her loud voice echoed through the trees scaring frogs into the water and birds into the sky as it slowly faded away leaving you both standing there for a long moment before she hummed. "...I guess he didn't hear me."
''Oh I doubt that. I bet everyone in the world heard you." You winced a hand rubbing your poor ear. "I know I did."
"Oh.. Oops. Sorry. I guess my excitement got the better of me." With careful hands she slowly lowered your form until you both stood and you could finally have a rest from being carried. "I'm just overwhelmed by happiness to see him once again."
"Noted. So where is he?" Your eyes scanned over all the ponds. Not even a ripple was to be seen for Eri's efforts. Wasn't he supposed to be here,?
"Komoki sometimes can't hear me underwater. I'm sure he surface eventually like he always does however. " She giggled and clasp her hands to her cheeks love struck. "I can't wait for you to meet him. He's just the sweetest, most shy man I've ever met."
"He sounds terrific." You smiled. "How did you two meet?"
More giddy giggling making you chuckle yourself. ...not that either of you noticed the small bubbles from the other side of the big pond. "It was an accident really. You see there's some plants growing at the bottom of the pond that helps bring down fevers greatly. So one day I came here to try and get some myself instead of buying it all the time. But there was a problem." She sighed arms flopping to her sides. "I can't swim. So when I fell in I would've died by drowning."
"You obviously didn't."
"Exactly. Because Komoki pulled me out." She sighed dreamily. "He was so flustered when he saw I was a girl. Y'know he thought I was actually trying to take over his territory at first? He's not very strong so he's very shy, but he makes up for it by being there for me when my family wasn't and he proposed to me so they couldn't try to marry me off to someone else. *Sigh* He's so polite and handsome and so, so, SO CUTE."
The bubble trailing up from the water slowly got closer and closer.
"He sounds wonderful. I'd like to meet himself and see the man you talk about so much."You smiled. "So when's the wedding?"
"It's planned for next year after I finish my work contract for Lord Kyogai. I stop working next March and the wedding will be in April."
"That soon?"
The bubbles stopped a little aways from the two talking and a hand webbed crawled out from the depths to grab at the grassy ground.
"We're planning to elope to avoid my family's drama. Lord Kyogai knows this and as he's a Lord, has agreed to marry us.~ We even have this nice lake area we plan on moving too. It's got a great view, plenty of places to work, and far away from my horrid family."
"Not to mention that it'll be a great place to raise our children."
You squealed, bristling at the sudden deep man's voice that oozed from behind you. It made you jump and snap your head around, almost yelling at what you saw. IT WAS A MERMAN!! Or...what looked like a merman at first. He had the palest yellow skin you'd ever seen, with orange wet hair clinging to his face, his shoulders, his neck, his back, and everywhere else it reached. Frog like all black eyes stared at you from the edge of the water where webbed clawed hands gripped the grassy earth propping himself up halfway up the bank of the murky pond. The torso led down to what you could only say was a koi fish's body as colorful as the actual animal itself. The man continued to stare at you curiously tilting his head. The feeling didn't come off as dangerous but it was enough to put you on edge.
"A human? In these woods?," He asked confused. "Never thought I'd see one of you around here."
You didn't even get a chance to reply before a high pitch squeal made you both look over. "KOMOKI MY HEART STEALER!!"
The man instantly lit up in a surprised but equally bright smile. "M-My ..MY DARLING BRIDE TO BE!! MY ERI!"
You took a leap back as Eri became a blur to your eyes. One moment she was standing a few yards from you, the next she was on her knees with the man pulled up onto her lap. One pair of hands dipping the merman demon and the other pair grabbing his face as Eri's lips assaulted the love struck looking man with kiss after kiss after kiss until with a final long kiss to his lips she finally pulled away leaving him with a dopey grin.
"...N-Now..."He slowly reached his hands up to Eri's own cheeks. "T-Thats quite a welcome.~"
Eri giggled and hugged him closer not caring of she got wet. "Oooh!! I missed you so, so, so much!!"
"Not as much as I missed you. Everyday I wait to see if you we could come to visit me. I was starting to think maybe something bad had happened to my beloved."
Eri shook her head. "No. Not at all. I've just been distracted lately." She blinked.."Oh yes. That reminds me." She turned back to you and Komoki looked up from where she still held him within her lap. "Komoki, this is Madam Y/n. I've been assigned to care for her a few weeks. Y/n, this is my fiance. He's a demon of the waters."
Komoki smiled politely if a bit shyly at you. "Oh. Hello Miss. I apologize if I might've frightened you earlier but it's the only way I mange to scare off most others from my home. I'm not as physically strong as others are."
...You finally blinked before shaking your head and awkwardly smiling. "It's alright. I've gotten my fair share of surprises by now so it doesn't affect me much at all. But...I wasn't expecting someone as colorful as you to be living here."
"Well I was not certainly expecting a human at my door either. So that makes us even." He then looked back up to Eri with dopey loving eyes. "But back on topic. My Eri. I wasn't expecting to see you today. What has your life been since our last visit?"
"No. You tell me first?~"
"No you.~ I insist, my perfect lilypads of happiness.~"
She giggled happily. "Oh stoooop. If you're going to twist my arms about it...It all started after I saw you last May."
And then the two of them continued on to talk. Without you. Completely forgetting you were even there at all. Sigh. It didn't bother you and you chose not to let it bother you. After all the two hadn't seen each other in about a year so it was understandable that they had a lot to catch up on. So there you stood smiling to the side as Eri continued to talk. And talk...And talk. Literally about every tiny significant thing about what happened to her in great detail since they last saw one another with Komoki listening intently smiling like a love struck fool. ..Sigh. this would take a while. You proceeded to lean against a nearby tree listening to Eri ramble on about everything from how much she missed him to how wonderful of a boss Kyogai was to how much she missed him to what she ate- Did she mention she missed him? With a sigh you rolled your eyes and continued to watch them. And watch them. For what felt like half an hour now. This wasn't what you were expecting when you agreed to help Eri meet her fiance again. The more she jabbered the more you slowly began to space out looking over the waves on the water and nature around you. It really was calm, and beautiful. The perfect place to do some Fishing. It reminded you of that secret pond just outside your village. Being poor with a sick grandmother to care for and a debt to constantly work hard to pay back, made it quite hard to even buy a single chicken, so you ended up just fishing a lot in a small pond you kept to yourself and harvesting lots of the wild fruits and vegetables. Maybe it was a dull meal to eat over and over but at least it was a source of food you could rely on. .. Speaking of food. Loud rumbles from your body made your spaced out brain blink back to reality. What the- Another louder rumble came from your body. Oh right. You hadn't eaten anything yet since the both of you left in such a hurry neither of you had time to eat anything. Perhaps however fate decided to finally be kind to you because just as that moment crossed over your mind a giant splash sound made your head snap just, and purple eyes just caught the tail end of a fish tail slapping the surface of the water before disappearing leaving ripples in its wake. A fish. This pond was full of fish! It was perfect! But you wondered if Komoki would mind if you fished in one of his ponds.
Your head turned to them. "Hey, guys." You hand pointed at the second small pond to the left where you saw the fish. "I'm going to catch some breakfast for us! It's still early I'm the morning."
Eri didn't say a word but Komoki briefly glanced at you, nodded, and then went back to fawning over everything Eri had said. You took that as a yes! So with a smile on your face, you pushed back up from against the tree you were currently sitting on and walked on over slowly towards the pond that you previously pointed out to them. Of course Eri and Komoki didn't give you a second glance but maybe that was for the better. You didn't want to disturb their moment and it'd give you some time to have to yourself without having someone looking over your shoulder or following behind you. You'd enjoy the peace and quiet for once without hearing Kaigaku's voice or Kyogai's worries or the servants ' doing their jobs. Just you, nature, and Eri jabbering on in the background. The grass made soft noises under your boots as you walked over to the second of the three ponds and glanced down to the water. It was too murky to see your reflection but it wasn't as murky as the first pond, enough to reveal the many delicious shadows of wild fish swimming underneath the surface. Perfect. Now you just had a different problem. What were you going to fish with? You had no fishing pole, no rope, and no string either. No hooks and no bait.
... Perhaps you could find a sharp stick to stab them with like a spear?
That was an idea. And a stick would be near the trees. A quick scan over the few trees near the edge of the small clearing revealed nothing you could use. There was a few sticks that looked sturdy enough but they weren't long enough for your purpose. Perhaps there was some just a little away from the tree line? You boldly took a few steps near the tree line to peek around at the ground around the farther roots. Perhaps a bigger stick would be hidden amongst the bushes hidden under all those leaves. Your hand gently grabbed a fistful of branches and leaves, the soft greens brushing against your skin as it just moved an inch-
"aaaaaaaaahhhhh-!!!!"
A gasp escaped your throat. Your body receiving a shock of electricity from the vibrations of a sound so high pitched one would blame it on the wind. It was so fast and short as well. Sounding like it both stopped and started all in one second, not even loud enough to get any real attention. So there you stood, blinking a moment holding the bushes branches, before you shook your head.
"Did you hear that?!," You called with a quick glance over your shoulder. Eri seemed to be describing that annoyed her as Komoki nodded in understanding, both ignoring you or didn't notice you had said anything at all. "..I guess it was just my imagination then." You just shrugged it off and went back to pulling the shrub back. ...which lead to another bush in the way. Sigh
"AAAAAAHHHHH- NO!! NO!! NOT ME!!"
Your eyes and head snapped up. There it was again! That high pitched, small voice. You could barely hear it above a whisper and if you hadn't been paying attention it would've just passed over you. It's sounded not close but not far away as well. Made you wonder. Was it really someone or your imagination?
"MONSTER CHILD!! NO!! HELP ME!! HELP ME!!"
"ERI! SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLE!" They didn't hear you. "ERI?!" Still nothing.
It made you give off a growl of frustration and half a mind to just throw a bucket of water at the two demons. How love struck could someone be to ignore everything around them?! Another scream sounded out and you turned your head. Now anyone else could've seen this as a trap but there was something...off about this situation to you. And you were about to find out what it was. What if it was someone in trouble? What if someone was hurt or lost? They could need help badly. Eri and Komoki didn't even notice that your body disappeared through the bushes with a rustle of leaves being your only good bye to them. The bushes were bigger than you, being nearly as Tall as Kyogai was and very wide with branches sprouting everywhere. For every branch your arm moved over, two would smack some part of your body as you made your way through them all following the small screams and shouts.
"MONSTER CHILD!! EVIL CHILD!! NOTHING LIKE MINE!! YOU ARE NO ANGEL!!"
They wee starting to get louder now, and you thought you heard what sounded like tiny footsteps thudding around from somewhere in front of you before they suddenly stopped and you heard a...giggle?
"AAAYYYEEEIIII!! N-NO! NO! *SOB* I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE SUCH A TERRIBLE PUNISHMENT!!"
FINALLY you managed to forcibly push the bush out of the way to reveal a less cluttered version of the forest and paused at what you saw. A small pale figure was standing there in the middle of a small cluster of flowers with a strange red dot pattern on his face with a weak smile. The small screaming continued from the figures small hands which held another man the size of a doll who sobbed and sobbed.
"NOT MY FAULT!! PUT MMMMMEEEE DOOOOOWWWNNN!!"
....It was a child. A spider child?! Holding a smaller... screaming demon the size of a doll?? You blinked. And blinked again. Before shaking you head and blinking again at the sight.
What the what?!
"NO! DOWN! DOWN!! PUT ME DDDDOOOOWWNN!!!," the smaller demon wailed still followed by a sob.
The small boy, who couldn't have been older than eleven, just giggled more before curiously turning the smaller man this way and that to examine him more...before turning him upside down with a squeal from the man.
?!
"Hey! Don't do that!" The little boy jumped with a yelp and spun wide eyed to you, and froze. Oh boy. Guess there wasn't any going back now. With a frown you stepped out from the bush and in front of him. "Don't do that. You'll hurt him!!"
"PUT ME DOWN!! PUT ME DOWN!!"
By now the small demon was covering his face and sobbing almost uncontrollably as still held upside down by the child who blinked surprised at you. ...Come to think of it, what WAS a child doing out here all by themselves? Your purple eyes scanned around but saw no other adult here besides the sobbing tiny man. Where was this boys parents?...Unless..You looked back to him. Was the woman you saw with all those children his mother? They were definitely related from how similar they looked. Pale white, red dot patterns- The only difference was that his eyes were a red and green in color instead of the light grey eyes you've seen all the other spider demons have. Did he get left behind?
With a concerned look, you furrowed your brow looking back to the poor boy standing there, before you knelt down to be eye level with the young boy. "Hey there. Sorry for scaring you. But I was right when I said it's not very nice to hold someone like that." You held out your hand to him. "Can I have him?"
...The boy pouted and held the poor man away from you. Ah shoot. This wasn't going to be easy was it? Sigh. Taking a closer look at them however you noticed some things. The tiny man was actually old. If you had to guess, he looked at least to be in his seventies or early eighties which concerned you more with how much jostling the little boy was doing to him. He could hurt him. And the poor didn't look too good himself. He looked dirty, like he hadn't been taking care of himself too well, and the clothes he was wearing was worn, stained, and torn in quite a few places. Was he in a fight? Either way he didn't look good. Reminded of you when you were a kid and came home from working hard and being very hungry...Hmm. Hungry. That gave you an idea.
"Are you hungry?" He immediately perked up. So that was in fact a yes, you were surprised he could understand you considering his family couldn't. "How about we make a trade? You give me that-" You gestured to the still sobbing tiny man. "-and I'll make you something to eat. There's a pond full of fish just through those bushes and it wouldn't be too hard to make you a fire and cook you some. How about it? It certainly would be better than holding someone screaming to high heavens. He certainly won't be able to give you anything."
"YES!! PLEASE OUT ME DOWN!!"
The boy continued to stare at you, then to the tiny man in thought....before just holding him out to you. "I'm hungry."
You were taken aback from the two words he spoke perfectly in your language before holding out your hands and just having the tinier old man dropped into your palms. You'd worry about the language barrier later, right now you were a little more concerned about the sobbing old man cowering against your palms. In a minute you stood back up, just in case the kid changed his mind about giving up his new toy, you wanted to keep him out of his reach. Then you finally looked at him. He was indeed old, with greyish brown skin, reddish eyes, two horns jutting out of his forehead, straggly black hair, and a giant goose egg on his forehead right behind his horns. Did the child cause this bump? You hoped not. The frail looking man curled into himself sobbing into his hand. On his body was a reddish grey robe that covered most of his body.
You felt instantly sorry for this poor man. It must've been terrifying being manhandled by someone bigger than you especially with how old and frail his tinier body must've been. Which was why you tried not to jostle him too much and held him out a bit to make him feel less crowded. Poor man.
"Um...Are you alright, Sir?"
"Not my f-f-fauuuuuullllttt. *SOB* It wasn't my fault. He made me go around and around," he sniffled between sobs. Poor man. He must've been terrified.
"Of course it wasn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself," you spoke calmly to him which made him instantly stop with a sniffle. "I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Don't feel bad."
...You watched as he slowly lowered his hands just enough to peek his eyes. "Y-You...*sniff* ..You believe me?"
"Of course I do. It wasn't your fault, Sir. It could've happened to anyone."
"Y-You think I'm i-i-inoccent?" He slowly turned his body to you now in question, and you could barely make out tiny tears running down his face.
"I do. But it's over now so don't be alarmed." You smiled. "I'm not going to hurt you. Everything will be just fine."
He stared at you in disbelief for a long moment before sniffing again. "M-Monster child. Monster CHILD! His fault for this!"
"I'm sure he didn't mean to. He's just a young boy." You turned to the boy who tilted his head and blinked. "Aren't you going to apologize to this poor man?"
The boy shrugged. "Sorry."
Didn't sound like he meant it but it was better than nothing you supposed. "See? Everything's alright now. You shouldn't worry yourself anymore about him."
"Monster child! He is nothing like my sons!"
Oh. So he was a father as well? You didn't see any children around here who looked like this tiny monster so these two demons you found couldn't have been related. "Well don't concern yourself about him anymore. I'll be taking him from here. Would you like me to put you down?"
"YES!!"
You immediately complied. Carefully kneeling down and touching your heads to the ground, watching as the tiny demon scrambled off your palm and stood in the grass below. Why he couldn't have been much bigger than a mouse. "There you go. Are you alright? You're not hurt are you?"
He choked on a sob. "Understanding. Kind girl. No one h-has ever believed me before. *Sniff* You're the first one to believe me."
You only smiled. Well he really wasn't wrong was he? It wasn't his fault the little boy decided to throw him around like a toy, so why wouldn't you believe him? "Well it's simply because it's not your fault. That's the simple truth. But are you alright? I wouldn't want you hurt."
"For now, for now. Such a kind girl, concerned for me when no one else has." He mumbled more to himself than actually talk to you. "I feel compelled to thank you."
"Oh no. You don't have to really. I'm just glad you're not hurt any."
"Kind girl. Humble girl. I have five sons. My four eldest are just your age." He half hummed in thought half whimpered. "Only they have ever believed me. So kind to me my sons."
"They sound like Wonderful men to care so much for their father."
He looked to you. "You like them? My four oldest are your age."
"Oh...I wouldn't know. I've never met them before but I'm sure they're very nice."
"Kind girl. One such as you should live a good life."
You nodded in agreement. "Yes. Everyone should live a good life, so should you."
"Such a wonderful girl. So kind." He rubbed his chin. "....You, Kind Girl. Has anyone placed a claim on you?"
That question made you confused. Has anyone ever claimed you? What did he mean by that? You weren't anyone's servant. "No. I'm afraid not."
He hummed again. "...A kind girl shouldn't ever worry about anything and I am quite taken by your kindness towards me."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I'm not planning on becoming someone's servant. I'm already dealing with a lot of things, I wouldn't be a good worker."
He hummed again. "No one's claimed her..." He then nodded. "Then I would like to offer you a proposal. Many l-like to try and stake claims but my sons hate all who are violent towards me. You are different. They would gladly agree if it meant to repay kindness."
"Oh. That sounds very nice-"
Before you could say 'but I don't need any money or gifts' you all were interrupted by a very loud yell.
"Y/N!?" The tiny man squealed in fright as your head snapped up-
"Oof!" You nearly fell over from the sudden tackle to your side as the young boy leaped behind you. The sound of crunching branches and rustling leaves were quickly making their way to towards you all.
"Y/N WHERE ARE YOU?!" Not a second later the bush moved violently and none other than Eri came tripping out of it looking furious. "There you are?!" She scowled at you . "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! What were you thinking running off like that?! Don't you know someone might've snatched you up?!" She froze as you stood up and all four eyes went to the little boy hiding behind you, all four eyes widened, before pointing. "And who is that?!"
"He's lost. And hungry. I found him wondering around with-" You looked down and paused. The tiny man was gone. "... Where'd he go?"
"Where'd who go?" Eri crossed her arms as you looked around the grass but there wasn't any sign of the small elderly man.
"A man the size of my hand. He was just here...He must've ran off when he heard you coming."
"Uh.. Aren't you forgetting something? What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Oh yes. The fish."
Eri's jaw dropped dumbfounded as you ignored her, reached around to grab the little boy's hand, and lead him past her back towards the ponds. "Wha-... No! Get back here and apologize to me! Y/n!"
Komoki was swimming bobbing in the waters surface, but he seemed very surprised when you walked back through the bushes holding hands with s skittish little boy and an angry Eri right you. You didn't pay her any mind, just asking Komoki to give you some fish to cook for the little boy. The merman demon seemed confused about what to do... but eventually disappeared under the surface while you got to work gathering the many small sticks and pulling off branches from nearby bushes before putting them all together and rubbing two firm sticks together, blowing on them every so while before a small enough fire was made. Not enough to keep anyone warm but it was big enough to cook some food. Which happened to be five fish given to you by Komoki later. Both Eri and the young boy looked on in envy as the fish was stabbed into sticks and placed over the fire to cook.
"I'm hungry." A small tug was given to your kimono and in return you patted his head making his eyes go wide.
"I know but you have to be patient. It takes a bit for them to cook fully."
"Can't I just eat it now. I feel very weak."
"It'll taste better once it's fully cooked, and eating raw fish isn't very good for your stomach."
He pouted but didn't argue further. You let the fish cook for a good few minutes until you flipped them over to cook the other side until the fish was a brown on all sides and safe to be taken off the sticks. The small boy immediately grabbed two and started to gobble them down like he hadn't eaten in weeks (guess he was hungry), Eri took one, and you tried to give one to Komoki but he declined so that one was also taken by the small boy who are it pretty fast. His hunger was something that you and Eri exchanged looks over.
"Is it normal for a demon child to eat this much?"
" None of the other children we had ate this much. He must've been half starved for a long time."
Another tug on your kimono caught your attention as the little boy looked at you. "I'm still hungry."....You handed over your uneaten fish and he immediately grabbed it.
"I don't think I asked before. What's your name?"
"Rui," he answered before just biting into his fourth fish.
"My name is Y/n and this is Eri and her fiance Komoki." He still didn't look when you gestured to the other demons. "May I ask what you were doing all alone?"
"I fled from my home all alone after my family left me behind." Everyone paused. "I tracked their scents somewhere in this forest but I got lost. Everyone here likes to push me around except for that tiny man. He didn't want to help me or give me food."
You both looked at each other . This was...a surprise. You weren't entirely sure about this situation but you couldn't just leave a little boy out here all alone. And you told Eri there was a tiny man!!
"Well.. They're not here in the Forrest anymore but I know someone who could probably help you. He doesn't live too far from here and there's lots of food and shelter. Come with us and I'm sure he can help you."
"I would like more food."
That was a yes then. Eri however gained a horrified look. "Oh my gods!" She yelled before turning up to the sky. "It's already almost noon! We've been here all morning! What if Lord Kyogai knows we're here? We have to head back right away!"
"Now?" Come to think of it you all had been out here for a while and it would be best to get Rui to shelter as soon as possible. On top of getting back before Kyogai noticed. You nodded. "Yes. We should head back now before Kyogai notices or worse Kaigaku." You'd never hear the end of it from that loudmouth.
"Good bye my lovely lotus flower.~"
"Fair well my beloved bride.~"
You groaned. This would be a while.
Exactly two hours later, you all arrived back at the Tsuzumi Mansion with Eri carrying you on her back again and carrying Rui under another one of her arms. The extra weight had slowed the trip back quite a bit as she couldn't go very fast with both you and a child being carried by her. You both must've been heavy to her but she insisted on carrying you back to avoid anymore injuries. You not wanting to argue and head back just went with it. There wasn't anyone outside the mansion when you both arrived which made you both give off some relief the closer you all got. You were sure that Kyogai was still in his study writing away, and you'd be able to slip in no problem. How you were going to explain Rui was gonna be tricky though.
"Do you think anyone's noticed we were gone?"
You waved Eri off. "No. They probably just believe we're in the garden again. We're fine."
BUM!!
In an instant the sliding door leading into the mansion SLAMMED opened and standing in the doorway was a lumbering figure.
"AND WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?!"
#demon slayer#enmu#enmu x reader#gyutaro#gyutaro x reader#kokushibo x reader#kokushibo#hantengu#kaigaku#daki#hantengu clones x reader#hantengu clones#hantengu x reader#Rui#akaza#akaza x reader#kamanue x reader#kamanue#kaigaku x reader#karaku x reader#karaku#urogi#sekido#aizetsu#zohakuten#sekido x reader#aizetsu x reader#urogi x reader#kyogai#kyogai x reader
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Can I ask for some of your headcanons about Lady Bellaston?👉🏼👈🏼
Yes you absolutely can! I have so many, but I can’t say I remember them all right now. Most of these are very backstory-oriented, and not so much canon related. So here are a few:
(Under the cut, since I’m going to add a TW for abuse, miscarriage, and mentions of death)
Her first name is Clarissa (ask me about my reasonings connected to Samuel Richardson’s novel Clarissa!), and her father often called her Clary when she was a child.
Neither of her parents were very affectionate when she was young. She got the most affection from her governess and nanny, and even then it wasn’t much. To her parents she was really just an object to be pawned off to the highest bidder. I got the idea that she really hadn’t had a lot of affection in her life until Tom when her hugs her in his room, and she looks so shocked. The poor woman has literally never been hugged before.
She grew up (obviously) in a very wealthy family. But not just wealthy. Her family were part of the mid level aristocracy (her father was an Earl), and she married an Earl as well.
She despised the fact that her role in society was mainly to keep quiet and do as she was told. I imagine her to have a bit of Madame de Merteuil (Les Liaisons Dangereuses) in her. Like Merteuil, she used this undesirable role to help her learn more about people and their secrets.
Her father died shortly before her entrance into society at 18. Being the only child, she inherited her father’s fortune, though couldn’t inherit his land (patriarchal society and all). And despite the lack of affection she got from her parents, her father always had a rather large soft spot for her, and knew from a young age that his daughter was capable of being his heiress.
She endured the multitude of parties her mother held after her father’s death, practicing the mask she would wear in society, and paying attention to everything people didn’t want her to hear. She became a virtuoso of deceit: on the surface, she was sweet, innocent…simply a woman who didn’t know better. But underneath…oh, underneath she was learning to be so much more.
When her mother started to push for her to get married by the end of her first season, obviously she attracted the men who were in search of a fortune to match their title. The man she ended up married to by the end of the season, the late Lord Geoffrey Bellaston, was an Earl with a dwindling fortune due to gambling and many other unwise transactions, and her inheritance was very attractive to him. He was, much to her displeasure, nearly thirty years her senior.
Her marriage, unfortunately and maybe not surprisingly (from what we know in canon), was not at all a happy one. She spent ten years of her life being completely controlled by a man, practically treated like a child, and unfortunately, abused when he was unable to control his temper. Despite the ten years they were married, Clarissa never gave her husband an heir. That wasn’t to say she had never been pregnant…she had just never carried to term. Luckily, Clarissa didn’t have to endure longer than ten years of her torturous marriage, as her idiot of a husband managed to get himself killed in a duel.
(TW: miscarriage/early infant death and abuse) The last miscarriage she had was fairly late term, and due to her husband’s drunken and abusive behaviour one night not long before he died. The baby was born pre-term, only surviving a day.
She mourned her husband when he died, of course, as society expected her to. But only outwardly. Inwardly, she was celebrating the return of her freedom, of her control over her life and her finances; she swore she would never let a man control her again. So instead, she made she sure was always in control of the relationship. She gained a reputation over the years: while she was the most popular society lady in London, people were discreetly aware of her trysts. Of the younger men she “kept” as her stallions, men she paid for their services. Though it never became a scandal; that is what wealth and social standing are for, are they not? To keep illicit affairs tightly under wraps?
I hope you like these, anon! Unfortunately not many of them are very happy, as I felt like her backstory was probably on the less happy side, considering some of the hints we get when she speaks of her family.
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✧ SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK (LEE KNOW)
→ dancer!lee know xdancer!f.reader
→ word count: 2.4k
→ when dancing is all you know, it becomes your great passion. studying at the apollo school of arts is like a dream come true. in one of your accomplishments, you have to work with one of the greatest talents called lee minho and accept that maybe feelings are confusing and abstract like slow dancing alone in the dark.
→ warnings: lots of angst in this one lol
CHAPTER THREE — (masterlist)
playlist: you don't go to parties anymore, 5sos.
Minho didn't mind being the prime focus. He was always clear about what he wanted from an early age and his ambitions never got in the way of him. Everyone recognized him and he didn't care. He was there for a reason.
It’d be the first day of being an instructor for Ms. Oh and he was self-reliant about it. While preparing the stereo for the beginning of the class, before the teacher arrived, he watched the room’s motion.
And something caught his attention. A new person. Talking to you.
He knew well who his classmates were, and Mingi wasn't one of them. Then Minho was baffled not knowing why he was with you, talking absently while pulling the dark blue strands back. He didn't realize he was pulling the cord until the stereo unplugged, causing a loud thud to echo through the room.
“Why are you staring at Mingi like you want to kill him?” Jisung suddenly appears, stretching his arms and pulling them by the elbow.
"You're seeing things."
"I think not. Did something happen that I'm not aware of?”
"No." Minho finished fixing all the appliances and raised his eyebrows. "You’re nosy."
“And you never tell me anything. Unfair. I’m your best friend.”
"Yeah. You're." They both pause and Jisung narrowed his eyes. Minho grins. "Unfortunately."
"I'll kill you."
And then Jisung pushed his best friend, trying to mount his back and making Minho laugh.
Mrs. Oh arrived in moments and the class started. The instructors helped the students who had more difficulty in some lessons, like breathing properly or getting some choreography positions that the teacher passed as a test. Most of them were doing well on the exercises, but sometimes someone would lose focus or balance, requiring help from one of the three.
Yeji smiled shyly at Minho as he helped her by holding her arms. It was the second time she had tripped over her own feet and that made him go to help her.
"Sorry, I'm a little lost today," Yeji mutters embarrassingly, feeling Minho's firm fingers around her wrist.
He just stammers something Yeji can barely hear. He's looking at you. Mingi and you. And the way he's shining at you like you've known each other for ages. And it infuriates him, he can't say why, but it infuriates him deeply.
"Everything’s fine?" Yeji asks as she tries to catch Minho's eye.
"Yes, everything is great. Just keep your balance, all right?”
He walks away from Yeji and walks back to the other side of the room, repeating the same movement as the other students, but his eyes betray him and he finds himself looking at you and Mingi now and then, just to see if your closeness continues and he tries to ignore the way Mingi looks at you, or the way his hands hold yours when he tries to steady himself, but deep down, he can't.
Fuck all this. He can barely understand why there's a soreness in the pit of his stomach that creeps up to his core like a tremor.
So the class goes by almost too fast and when everyone leaves, there are only three students left: the instructors. Chaeryeong offers to get the three of you some snacks and you accept an iced coffee and Minho too.
There’s a makeshift table used by Ms. Oh, so the three of you get together for your first meeting. You sit across from Minho, who’s tirelessly typing something into his computer.
“So, I was thinking” you start, clasping hands on the table. “We should think about a concept for our presentation.”
You wait patiently for a response, but Minho looks nonchalantly while not paying you any attention. You frown, leaning your body forward. “Are you listening to me?”
He sighs tiredly. You feel uneasy, as if you were a thorn in his side. “What do you want?”
You raise your brows. “I just said it but I guess you’re too busy to listen.”
“Thank God! You noticed I’m actually busy, congrats.” Minho doesn't even bother to glance at you. That comment made you drift away.
“What's up with that attitude?” He made it. He managed to annoy you deeply.
“What attitude?” He looks at you, briefly. “I just said I’m busy.”
“No, you did not.” You add through clenched teeth. “I don’t get you. First, you show up at my dorm saying you’d like to team up and when I try to cooperate you just treat me like shit?”
He closes his laptop with a swat, finally peeking at you. Somehow you find it so bothersome to pay attention as his eyes sail roughly through your face. It’s ridiculous how dainty he is, like a fucking Adonis or some shit like that, and it’s absurd that he can look this good when he’s being a total asshole.
“Sorry to disappoint you, but not everyone’s lusting over you, giving you all the attention. Some of us are just busy, y’know?”
You were stumped. Your blood turns into thin ice. What was going on?
“Uh-Is everything okay?” Chaeryeong’s voice fills the place in a lovely innocent tone. You look at her discomfiting. Whatever Minho was going through, you didn’t want to be part of it. You weren't going to let him treat you like this, all shitty and everything.
“Yeah. I-Um, actually, I have to finish some assignments for tomorrow. I’ll just email you my notes, ok?” You didn’t even worry about waiting for an answer, even though it wasn’t fair to Chaeryeong who doesn’t have shit to do about Minho’s shitty attitude.
You haven’t any assignment to do, but you couldn't bear to be in the same room with Minho for any five minutes, so you need an excuse. You did send Chaeryeong your notes for the meeting and you wrote an apology in the footnotes, hoping she wouldn’t think you were unprofessional.
Campus was dead silent at this time. Most of the students were having class at the moment, so there were a few people who wandered across the green premises. You felt weary. Like if you had run an intense marathon and it had drained all your energy.
Unfortunately, you couldn't focus on anything more than what happened earlier. How did he expect you to team up with him if he had this kind of attitude toward you? It was so out of the blue that you couldn’t even react properly. You knew he was mellow and austere, but you didn’t know that passive-aggressive shit about him.
But how could you? You were not friends with him.
You gasp while typing on your phone. One word was all it took for Yunjin to drop whatever she was doing to come to you. You typed in caps lock METEORITE. The code between the two of you when something wasn’t right and the antidote was to stick together.
She found you in the nearest cafe. You ordered two choco chip frappuccinos because it was her favorite and you needed something sweet to make up for Minho’s bitterness. Yunjin was all in pink, in a cute dress, and her strawberry hair was loose in cute waves like a barbie doll.
“What happened?” She sat in front of you. “I was doing my nails but I ran the fastest I could.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. Was something with Ms. Oh?”
“Actually, it was Minho.” Yunjin's motion ghosts in the air, the straw almost going to her nostrils. She widens her eyes and then takes a long sip of her coffee.
Then it took you almost ten minutes to explain everything that happened and Yunjin gave you her best support, saying she didn’t know Minho was like that. She hangs out with him more times than you, because of Changbin, etc. It was fine, you just needed some kind of stimulus not to believe you were overreacting.
You were not. Minho was being a bitch.
“You know what? Changbin just told me about this Pool Party next week and you’re coming with me.”
“I have nothing to wear.”
She looks at you with that grin with genius potential. “Maybe I have something in mind.”
The week passed quickly. Classes were great, and you're doing good with the instruction thing but you were late in preparation for the final presentation and that was on Minho.
He didn't speak to you at all. Every time you walked into the room, he dodged every second of it. Chaeryeong didn't say a thing but of course, she noted something was off. You just admitted you had to do your presentation by yourself, without him, because he was being a dick as usual.
So, Saturday came in like a breeze in the summer. Yunjin set up a nice black swimsuit for you to wear. She chose a strawberry-pink one for her, just to match her essence. The party was taking place at somebody’s house, but you knew that somebody was friends with the seven — Changbin, Felix, Hyunjin, Bangchan, Jisung, Jisung, Seungmin, and Minho.
You had everything you needed when you came. It was a hot day so everyone was already at the pool. You found Felix and Seungmin in the kitchen. Felix was slashing oranges and limes to make some booze, you guessed.
“Hey, stranger.” Felix grins when his eyes land on you. “Take this. It tastes sweet?”
You take a sip from whatever he was doing before. It was refreshing and sweet with a little bit of alcohol. “It’s perfect.”
“Told you, no more limes.” Felix points at Seungmin, who serves himself a cup of that drink.
You step out, feeling a little odd cause you only knew some people at this party. Some guys were playing with Nerfs in the pool and you were sure you had a glimpse of Jisung shooting water at Hyunjin. Yunjin was with her lovely boy — almost boyfriend. They were on so many dates that they should just be together at this point.
But she seemed happy and that was all.
You joined them, sitting on the rim of the pool. Felix hands you another glass.
That day was already nice, spattering water on Yunjin and Seungmin with Nerfs. Teaming up with Jisung just to see who swims faster. Eating Felix’s brownies and drinking a lot of that sweet orange drink he made.
Changbin had the brilliant idea to do the chicken fight. First, it'd be you and Yunjin. She climbed onto her lover’s shoulders while you climbed on Bangchan’s. You tried your best not to fall, he was slippery and you didn't have a place to hold except his header — which you wouldn't do.
And you were winning because you have more stability in your arms than her. You could see her slipping through Changbin’s shoulders but something caught your eye. Minho and Yeji.
You should've focused only on Yunjin. You shouldn't have glanced up at him. His damp blonde hair. His open black shirt and his sinewy body. He peeked at you and you only had time to mumble a fuck before your body slammed into the water.
Bangchan helped you, asking if you were okay over and over. You were. One minute ago. Before Minho.
It was childish, you had to admit it. How he was able to change your mood with just one look. You're still angry with him and that was all. He just surprised you, that's what tried to convince yourself.
You got out of the pool just to drink a little more.
Fuck Minho. You wouldn't let him ruin your day.
You were so comfortable before, you ain't even realized he wasn't here.
Two drinks turned into three and then four.
You're tipsy and happy. Yeonjun’s house — you discovered later that it was his place— was empty. Rosé and peach colored the sky and somehow the music was louder. You found yourself craving one of Felix’s brownies so you went to the kitchen to grab some.
And your heart skipped a beat when you found Minho there. He was ignoring you still and that was a bummer. You could sense the alcohol touring through your system and every thought was a missed heartbeat.
He looked at you, his raised eyebrow like he was challenging you. But you knew better and you wouldn't let him treat you like shit again.
“You good?” His voice is calm, kinda treacherous though.
You open the fridge and then look at him over your shoulder. “Talking to me?”
“There’s just us here.” He shrugs.
“Why wouldn't I be good? I'm great.” You snort.
You feel it when he gets closer. He rests his arms on the fridge door. “You look drunk.”
You peer at him. “And?”
“You should have some water.” He points at the bottle inside the fridge.
There was a hesitation that Minho wasn't expecting. You gathered all boldness hidden in your body to dart him in the eyes. “I don't need you to tell me what to do.”
And it was no shock when he didn't feel offended. He tongue his cheek, looking down at you “Yeah?”
“Why do you care if I need fucking water? Wasn't you who said I was an attention sucker?”
“I owe you an apology.” His soft talk makes you sigh. “I shouldn’t have snapped like that. It was a bad day. I’m sorry.”
At the end, you knew you could let this go. You didn’t hate him, you just wanted to be treated right, like a person at least. Minho looked sincere and you could tell by his eyes that he meant it. It could probably be the alcohol too — you’d definitely ignore that.
“You really didn’t mean that, tho?”
He furrowed his brows. “No. Never.”
That was different. The way he was looking at you, like you were friends — close friends. And the sweetener in his tone, you were unsure. He said nothing, his locks falling through his forehead and his greek nose was so close you could almost scent the citric cologne.
You were close.
Too close.
“I should go back. I guess.” You were so bewildered. Alcohol or not, you felt spell blinded.
Before you leave, he points again at the fridge. “You forgot your water.”
“Yeah. Thanks.” You nod, tenderly beaming.
You set off the kitchen just to discern seconds after that you didn’t go there for water. Minho said you needed water. You were so disconcerted you didn’t even realize. It was him.
On your way back Yunjin was frowning at you. But you could understand the “is everything okay?” in her eyes. You nodded.
That’s because you didn’t have the chance to see what Yunjin saw. The gentle smug look on Minho's face when he followed you to the pool. The shyly yet fond smile crooked his lips while he had his head down.
Yunjin was confused.
But it was all about you. Because of you.
taglist: @taeriffic @ughyoobi
a/n: hi! if you want to be tagged in this one just let me know and i appreciate comments a lot, they're always welcome and motivates me a lot to write more.
#lee know scenarios#lee know series#lee minho x y/n#lee know#lee know stray kids#lee know imagines#slow dancing in the dark fic#lee minho drabbles#lee know x reader#lee know x you#lee know x y/n#lee know x female reader#lee minho x reader#lee minho x you#skz minho#skz fanfic#lee know fanfics#lee know smut#kpop smut#lee minho smut
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(volume 2, page 41)
Botan having a canonically unknown age and birthday has much potential for plot ideas and headcanons.... I know most people read her as being middle-school-aged, but honestly I read her as being a grown (superantural) woman playing pretend at being a kid bc it's fun and people pay less attention to a kid than to an adult. (Coming to mind, Atsuko wearing Keiko's uniform which was sold to her by Yusuke in the epilogue chapters.) Also makes for funny hijinks for if someone figures out her deal!
Personally I think she's at her funniest if thought of as being in her actual thirties and in denial abt it. Like she died and became a ferrygirl instead of doing the normal thing and reincarnating (or.........? [1]). Either way, by the time we meet her in the canon narrative start, she's in her 30s. She's older than Atsuko and once made aware of it she Hates It! [2]
Okay but canon evidence for Botan being at least 20 years old:
Shizuru: the one who came up with the idea for the drinking in the first place. Immediately red-faced. Immediately seems a little bit drunk.
Botan: is chugging. And for several seconds more than Shizuru is, halts to admire it (like she's pleasantly surprised about the taste), and gets right back to it.
In the Dark Tournament, there's the evening after the fight with team Rokuyukai [ep 33: "A Day in Waiting"]: Botan and Shizuru drink alcohol while Keiko drinks juice. Shizuru is 17-18 during the course of the series, having turned 18 by the time of the Dark Tournament in the manga [volume 12, chapter 108, page 143] and is in her early twenties in the anime (likely aged up bc of the legal drinking age being 20, and because someone wanted to extend the scene a little and have it end on a funny note) [episode 63, 13 minutes in]. She mentions as much in the Toguro-Yusuke fight, in the latter half and a little before Toguro gets inspiration on how to make Yusuke fight him better.
There is the possibility that she's a minor and pretending not to be, but 1) I don't think Shizuru's intuition would fail her like that, and 2) I don't believe either of them would encourage underage drinking, least of all in front of Keiko.
Follow-up Questions!
[1] .... did she accumulate some sins somehow...? What kind has she committed, was Botan like a serial offender?? ...or.. is it a similar deal to Yusuke's, "we saved you somehow, you owe us your labour"...? or... did she go to ferrygirl university and spend 10 years to her studies [1-b]
[1-b] What is the real-world equivalent to a ferry-girl education and job? An end-of-life nurse? A loan shark? An accountant office worker? (later) A COMPETITVE ROWER (the oar)????
[2] I think it's funny if she hates it, and it adds a sense of baggage Yusuke has towards adults and authority figures if she is one (he just can't escape it!!) and I especially think it's funny if she's figuratively losing hair from the stress of helping Yusuke out wo telling him everything (the spirit beast egg eating him if he's "being bad"). Her being in her 30s and in denial abt it just feels like a natural part of that progresion. But I could see her embrace her age too? "Glomping you :3" is very Botan, I just personally like to put her through the comical wringers.
#botan#yyh#yyh botan#shizuru#i really appreciate the 100% maji “girls secret party” battle event for including the thing about shizuru liking squid#its such a small detail and yet! it was taken note of <3 bonus knowledge#long post
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In honour of the final season of the HBO His Dark Materials series, let me present what I believe my daemon would have been if I’d been born in Lyra’s world: the Eurasian Lynx.
Rejoice, the adorable, fluffy meow-meow in the pictures above is me!
✨ Lynxes ✨ are:
Independent/Autonomous: Lynx kittens become fully self-sufficient at nine months, at which point they separate from their mother and siblings and go on to lead mostly solitary adult lives (the exception being mating season). They are considered symbols of autonomy, strength and self-reliance. *If this isn’t the story of my life lol 😅 Despite being very close to my family, my life diverged substantially from theirs from age 18 onwards, culminating in my now being in a completely different country. This separation, combined with my experiences as a Third-Culture-Kid, meant I learned to rely on my wits and independent judgment fairly early on. Incidentally, this has had the additional effect of making me somewhat unpredictable. Since I don’t really look to convention for guidance (who’s convention? Yours? Mine? Those held by the country I was born in? The one I grew up in? The one I’m in now? All of the above?), you can’t really be sure how I’ll react or what I’ll do unless you know me very well.
Determined/Perseverant/Goal-Orientated/Opportunistic: The Lynx is an ambush hunter who doggedly stalks its prey until the opportune moment to strike presents itself. *This not only describes the manner in which I’ve pursued my academic degrees but also the manner in which I approach life and decision-making in general. I’m always ~a l w a y s~ playing the long game (this has probably been accentuated by my immigrant status, which has made it necessary for me to know what’s going to happen six months in advance for visa purposes).
Discreet/Stealthy/Tactful: For Lynx to be successful ambush hunters, they must be stealthy enough to go unnoticed by their prey, often over long stretches of time. These cats are, therefore, famous for their discreet and tactful approach. They’re also known to hunt primarily at dawn and dusk, during the “quiet” hours. *I’m acutely context-conscious and am skilled at adapting what I reveal about myself to ensure I fly under the radar when needed (again, this is probably due to being a Third Culture Kid). I don’t fight battles I can’t win. I’m highly diplomatic. If you see me at a semi-formal dinner, you can be sure whatever I’m saying is the second or third corrected version of the first thought that came into my head. I edit in real-time.
Clear-Sighted/Perceptive/Insightful: Lynx are known for their clear night vision, impeccable sense of smell, and overall keen senses. *Although I was always intelligent, I don’t think I was born as perceptive as I am now. Two things have sharpened my insight down to a razor edge: my philosophy degrees and my abuse-induced hyper-vigilance (yay me). I am both keenly aware of micro-expressions, especially aggressive ones, and highly skilled (via years of academic training) at dissecting the various layers/hidden influences/unspoken implications of a given interaction/statement/situation. When I look at anything (and I’m actually paying attention), it's like looking through a time-warped kaleidoscope: I simultaneously observe the original image and all the resulting fractals. At this point, I do this reflexively, which can be annoying, because sometimes I don’t want my mind to analyze the movie I’m watching; I just want to lay back and enjoy it. That said, this skill has helped me accurately read and dodge perilous conversations with higher-ups, so it's not without its benefits.
Formidable/Intimidating: Like all “big cats”, Lynx are ferocious predators and inspire caution in those who encounter them. *This is one of my most perplexing traits because I see myself as highly approachable. Nonetheless, my friends and family have described me in these terms, and it hasn’t escaped my notice that people seem slightly intimidated by me (maybe it’s because of the observant thing?) I compensate for this by making myself as bubbly and soft as possible when being introduced to someone new (who isn’t a threat to me, of course, lol. Otherwise, I lean right into the terrifying).
Affectionate/Playful: Lynx can be very playful and affectionate, just like house cats. *And who am I, if not the very spirit of affection and fun? In fact, the main reason I’m leaving academia is that it’s stopped being a source of curiosity and excitement. I don’t like having to perform dull scholarly aloofness all the time. I want ✨ dilated ✨ cat-pupils ✨ time. ✨ I am happiest when I can infect a lecture hall with a sense of jittery wonder. “If the revolt of Prometheus against the Olympic Gods doomed him to eternal torment, then so much worse for Olympus, down with the view of perfection which can be purchased only at the price of putting chains on the free independent will, the unbridled imagination, the wild wind of inspiration which goeth where it listeth.” (Isaiah Berlin, The Crooked Timber Of Humanity.)
Cute AF, But It’s Giving Ice Age: Lynx have large paws and longer hind legs, which gives them a slightly prehistoric and lop-sided appearance. *I don’t quite know how to say this, but I’ve always felt a bit... large? Not in size, in a sense that means I need to be gentle with other people lest I accidentally hurt them or scare them? In the sense that I have to be aware of my strength, my claws, so as not to wound them. In the sense that I have to be aware of the intensity, the wilderness, of my passions, my ecstasies, so as not to burn them. And curbing these intensities, tempering them, has made me feel a bit clumsy? A bit like I have longer hind legs and paws a bit too large for my body? A bit like a creature outside of time?
Anyway, if you want to play, I’m tagging anyone who wants to participate to share their daemon and characteristics! <3
#tagging anyone who wants to play#his dark materials#hdm#hbo series#hdm hbo#the northern lights#the subtle knife#the amber spyglass#daemon#Lyra silvertongue#lyra belacqua#lord asriel#I love marisa coulter#personal#daemon quiz#hdm daemon#daemons#bbc his dark materials#bbc hdm
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hii i was wondering, do you have any more info you could share about estelle? i don't think i've seen anyone make xiii ocs and i can tell you've put a lot of thought and love into her so now i'm really curious to learn more lol esp how she and her relationship with snow/serah develops through everything that happens in the xiii saga (esp in xiii-2, poor girl must have been going Through It 😭) - i understand if you don't want to type out a big wall of text though, just whatever you feel comfortable w/sharing!
OMG I would LOVE to overshare about Estelle! I actually have an entire canon list in my drafts that I haven't posted yet, since the bottom half is pretty bare.
Just to establish some basic info on the changes I made re:XIII-trilogy canon:
XIII: Serah is the seventh party member. Aside from Serah’s inclusion, the events during XIII stay, largely, the same. Lightning and Serah are separated early-on.
XIII-2: Follows the events of XIII-2 closely. Estelle is an antagonist, working with Caius* to find a way to keep Serah from dying.
*working together in the sense they both want to stop her from succeeding. Estelle is aware of Caius’ end goal, but has no intention of intervening.
LR: Follows the events of LR closely. Estelle, officially, leads Snow’s guards; however, she’s been leaving more and more, desperate to find out a way to fulfill his Focus.
Post-LR: Serah is busy wrapping up her final year at university. Snow, Estelle, as well as the NORA gang, live together in a quiet beachside town.
–
Some general summary about Estelle:
Estelle has trouble forming meaningful bonds. She finds it hard to take an interest in others and tends to act in an antagonistic way. She is afraid of vulnerability, and thus often acts independently.
Estelle tends to view relationships in a transactional way. Most of her adult relationships fall under this category (coworkers, failed romantic relationships she pursued out of loneliness, peers she considers acquaintances at best).
Her main paradigms are Medic, Synergist, and Commando. You can read more about her battle stats here.
She is a Cocoon l'Cie.
–
Background:
Early age: Estelle is one of many children raised by the Church of Gabriel* located in Palumpolum. She's very shy and has trouble making friends. One of the youth volunteers–a 15 year-old girl named Thea–notices and pays a lot of attention to her.
Estelle, who is 6 years old at this point, latches on. She later considers Thea to be her sister and role model.
*Gabriel is a fal'Cie who is linked to conception, pregnancies, births–essentially, its main function is to ensure Cocoon's population continues to grow and it also acts as a massive database that logs every single birth on Cocoon. A church is built in its name, because why wouldn't the Sanctum use religion to build their own image and take advantage of humanity's belief in the greater unknown? Gabriel is depicted as a kind mother who loves humans.
15 years old: Estelle enrolls into a program to become a part of the church's guard*, hoping to work alongside/under Thea eventually. However, that are rumors of traitors among the guard...
*like the other military groups, they're tasked with protecting Cocoon against Pulse invasion. However, higher members are tasked with exposing and taking out suspected anti-Sanctum rebel groups; as well as, cover-ups.
Thea works under one of the top members; both of whom are later revealed to have conspired with anti-Sanctum groups. On paper, they're both KIA.
One day, Estelle is brought into questioning–nothing official: a small room with someone she considered like-family as well. Given her close relationship with Thea–who has often brought her along to meetings when young–she, unwittingly, ends up giving away the location of their hideout.
After learning the truth, Estelle is confused, feels betrayed (both by the person she told and by Thea's actions), and feels immensely guilty.
The next few years, she continues to train under the program and rises through the ranks; however, her faith is fractured as she learns more about the corruption within the church and the Sanctum.
(Gonna end this part here, because I could actually go on forever.)
–
Her relationship with Snow and Serah (and, really, the others) in XIII:
Early-game, when the group is separated, she ends up being paired with Serah. At this point, Serah still show some hesitation–which pisses Estelle off and causes her to lash out at (she sees a lot of her own fears and weaknesses mirrored in her). Their early dynamic involves a lot of Serah wanting to prove Estelle wrong.
Estelle hates Snow's idealism and, from her POV, blind belief in others. She wants to tear him down so badly. She's, especially, antagonistic towards him.
On Gran Pulse: she ends up leaving the group from a mix of being burnt-out, feeling hopeless, and a massive inferiority from being unable to share in their camaraderie. Of course, she gets herself into trouble by picking a fight with some massive beast to prove something she doesn't need to prove. Thankfully, they find her before she dies (hahahaha).
She loses the emblem she took from Thea's old uniform (she wore it instead of her own issued emblem and often messed with it). She's so depressed and quiet (hahaha).
Vanille notices that she keeps reaching for the spot the emblem used to be. And because Snow can't keep to his own business–he's determined to find it.
When they do find it–it was a long back trek and hours of digging through mud–Estelle is so, genuinely, surprised and touched that she bursts into tears (she needed a good cry for, like, five years). This is when she starts opening up.
Since Estelle is still awful and awkward (she's trying really hard NOT to be an asshole); she approaches Snow and Serah the most (partly out of familiarity; mostly because she feels guilty for how she acted).
Eventually, she starts getting... comfortable and often follows one or both of them around (she's clingy hahahaha).
At the end, she "confesses" in a "let's keep being good friends" (LOL) sort of way, but more heartfelt and awkward.
Gap between XIII > XIII-2:
Estelle chose to help settle New Bodhum. She tries hard to be proactive and helpful, but ends up just... hanging around Snow and Serah again. It's... endearing?
After spending, like, a year together, Estelle just. Realizes she's crushing hard and this is a Disaster. And it's obvious when she realizes, because she starts acting like a jerk again.
Her confession was... it was embarrassing.
XIII-2:
At this point, they're dating for... two years? Estelle's tied a lot of her identity to their relationship, so she is attached to both of them in an unhealthy way. It's not exactly a problem, because they're all still young and haven't recognized the red flags yet (lol).
Estelle has a dream of Serah dying... it's realistic and terrifying and fills her with this massive sense of dread and she just can't lose anyone again. When Snow suggests finding Lightning, she is pissed. She lets him leave unhappily (and when they meet again, she is so fucking angry that he got branded again).
When she learns Serah really IS dying... god, she almost loses it. She accepts to aid Caius in stopping Serah and Noel. Her paradox ending is trapping Serah in a dream-like state.
They have one last date on her request.
When Serah dies, Estelle is truly heartbroken. And thus starts her obsession with keeping Snow alive in LR.
XIII-2 > LR:
Estelle spends many years blaming Lightning for Serah's death.
LR:
Estelle spends five centuries driving herself and Snow mad, trying to find a way to "fulfill" his Focus. She gets worse as times goes by and often leaves for long and longer periods of time.
Eventually, it hits a point where she realizes she's only making Snow miserable and adding to his stress (and contributing to a faster death). So, she leaves. No, she doesn't tell him; she writes a letter (and he does not read it).
Despite leaving, Estelle still continues her pointless hunt. It's only when she meets Lightning that she finally accepts that she can't save Snow and she begs Lightning to save him.
They do reunite, however, and choose to spend their last few days being together and remembering Serah. Happy ending, I guess?
Post-LR:
Lots of therapy. Estelle is learning to be okay with being alone and finding ways to enjoy herself that doesn't revolve around her relationships.
They don't get back together immediately. Though Snow and Serah still care and are open to the idea, it's hard to just... pretend what happened didn't happen. Their first few months is spent learning and being comfortable again.
And that's about it so far!
#j answers#snstse canon#oc posting#this is SO long LOL#this isn't even main canon–there's two#main canon goes after XIII and explores the after and is very less focused on making snow and estelle unhappy and more on domestic fluff#anyways i'm going to frame this ask in my mind thaaaaanks!
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People Danger is Real
The rat race starts young now! And it’s easy to get caught up in it. As a parent of college-bound teens, I live the frenzy that often results from students (and parents) thinking that the rest of their lives are dictated by their college acceptance letters. High-achieving teens aim, at the very minimum, to maintain GPAs above 4.0, aim for spectacular SAT scores, and outshine each other in extracurricular endeavors. When you see everyone else going above and beyond, it’s easy to spread yourself too thin and out of balance. But there is life beyond college admission and lots of other important choices to be made. (As a reminder: your life will probably be fine even if you don’t get into your top choice colleges.)
How much time do you spend evaluating which person you should befriend, date, or marry? Our choices in people are more important than students’ school choices! On the heels of women’s Day, I challenge us to notice the difference in efforts we spend on college counseling, career development to social-emotional skill building, and spend some more time discussing relationship health and boundary setting with our teens, especially young women. They grew up watching Disney movies, reading fairy tales about Prince Charming, or witnessing dysfunctional marriages. It’s often difficult to discern who is actually good for you. Strong social emotional skills like self-awareness, conflict resolution, and impulse control are important preventative measures to avoid trauma. More importantly, we need to start having these important conversations early and often and parent our kids beyond their GPAs.
The path to adulthood is littered with potholes. The average age of children joining gangs is 13. Twelve million Americans are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by a romantic partner every year, and 1 in 3 women will experience such abuse in their lifetime (1 in 4 for males.) The #1 cause of death in pregnant women and mothers who recently delivered is homicide by their spouse or partner.
People danger starts younger than we expect. 33% of teens experience dating violence but won’t tell anyone–perhaps related to the fact that 81% of parents believe teen dating violence isn’t an issue. 61% of teen sexting go coerced into it. The elderly and disabled are 70% more likely to be abused.
What do these statistics mean to you? To me, they tell me that the problem is prevalent and there aren’t enough effective proactive measures taken to prevent these traumas. Prioritizing behavioral health by building social emotional skills is essential because abusers are often charming People danger is not as easy to recognize. Some abuse leaves bruises and scars. But the abuses that don’t manifest outwardly are just as destructive, if not more. In fact, emotional abuse triggers PTSD symptoms in women more than physical abuse. Trauma physically changes the brain and affects learning, emotional regulation, memory, and every part of people’s lives.
Some lessons are important enough for us to repeat to ensure mastery. We hold on to children’s hands for years, teaching them how to watch the lights and check for cars because the consequences can be deadly. Don’t let go of your hands yet! Crossing into adulthood, choosing partners, and watching out for toxic relationships require just as much attention as we are paying to academic or career achievements.
Everyone needs a strong dose of social emotional skills to carry you far. And you’re going to need those skills to be second nature to count on them in times of trouble. Our team works to cultivate a solid sense of self and personal boundaries so that people know what they are comfortable with, and practice asserting their boundaries with others. We help people invest time in relationships where there is mutual respect, understanding, and clear communication. Whether or not people danger is real, a lot can be gained by surrounding yourself with people who will support and bring the best out of you. These relationships form the support team that can carry you through challenging times.
If you’re currently in an abusive relationship, do not hesitate to seek professional support or call 800-799-7233.
Check out the full blog post at : https://www.curajoy.org/people-danger/
#mental health#youth#growing up#therapy#school#stress#stress tips#blog#curajoy posts#psychology#emotional health#mental health support
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