#freeze mode
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I stopped writing when I wasn’t in pain anymore. I didn’t have an itch at the back of my throat that only bleeding on paper could stop. My life seemed to flatline, no lows, but no highs. Just listening became normal. For a while I just listened to myself. I wrote what I could see, and forgot everything else. But then I stopped. Now I listen to everything else, silence least of all. The days where I stood still long enough to write my dreams down were months ago. I forgot. I am consumed and so I consume. There is no room for my own thoughts. The flatline shows no heartbeat. The buzzing noise is only heard in the silence.
#spilled thoughts#spilled ink#poem#poetry#self acceptance#self discovery#self love#nonduality#existentialism#lightworker#writblr#writerscreed#spiritual journey#mental health#writers block#freeze mode#consumerism#content
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i made an alarm of 30 mins to get off this app and basically to then hop into my tasks. and now 5 minutes until it goes off I looked at the time i have left because i got anxious about if i even set a timer in the first place.
how does one get a chill moment without immediately getting anxious, wtf.
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every time i see a shawn mendes type 😭
#my post#aesthetic attraction#aroace#hate myself y'all#freeze mode#i get so insecure#kill me#shawn mendes#this is your fault
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The worst part about being stuck in freeze mode is that the longer it lasts the more time is passing which makes the tasks you're trying to avoid even more urgent which only pays into your panic that keeps you in the freeze mode
#Life#Growing up is finding more words to describe your fucked up mind#mental health issues#mental illness#mental health#Freeze mode
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acceptance and commitment
//feeling so self-sabotage-y//
the past 4 days have been supremely unproductive. we had to deal with a stressful housing situation and my back pain had me wincing while doing anything but lying supine in bed. thankfully, both of these things got sorted out on Wednesday (i am so so grateful it's all settled down, especially our housing sitch). yesterday was supposed to be the day i get back on track but i made the horrible decision to weigh myself in the morning - and that triggered a landslide of self-hate and misery that had me non-functional for the rest of the day.
currently, it's Friday morning - a week has gone by and i've done nothing. i feel disgusted with myself, my body, my inability to compartmentalize and prioritize - the self-judgement is so strong, it's making me want to numb myself with instant gratification. i am not looking forward to my day, i don't want to do anything.
so here's some acceptance:
stress puts me in freeze mode.
guilting myself over things i haven't done, apprehension over my prolonging to-do list make me want to avoid these things even more.
i find it difficult to stay motivated and consistent after working hard for about a week. it gets exhausting to exercise, control my diet, and do chores - all squeezed into my study breaks. i get about an hour in a day to relax and do other things that i enjoy, and i think that might be the reason why i feel so crazy by the end of a productive week.
once a stressor is resolved, i need some mental health time to process things, clear my mind, and get back in the zone. writing, yoga and meditating are my favourite ways to process things.
academic success is the only time my parents expressed their appreciation for me through a childhood where i was unseen and felt unloved/unwanted for the most part.
my hyper-intense focus on how fat i am makes it hard for me to feel confident in my skin.
i eat more when i'm stressed. i eat more when i'm sad. i eat more when i'm happy and want to celebrate. i think about food often - i enjoy meal planning, i enjoy cooking. i love experimenting with new cuisines, trying out new restaurants, and eating at the really good ones. i'm a picky eater in the sense that i want to eat food that's skillfully cooked and tastes really good.
i'm often bored of the food i cook at home, or too tired to put a good tasting meal together for us. and since A can't cook, we end up eating out.
my mother in grained in me this dysfunctional system of food scarcity: she labelled foods and heavily restricted the bad ones. these restrictions only applied to us, while she herself would freely eat said "bad" foods from the hidden secret stash. she conditioned us into believing that eating out = stuffing yourself to the fullest (my brother would often throw up by the time we got to dessert at a buffet, and then continue to eat - and this was something my mother would laugh at) and this is a pattern i'm struggling so hard to break out of now - treating a restaurant meal like any other meal: one that is balanced and just enough to keep me energized and make me feel good after.
Bengali culture is very food centric - i think this is where my snobby palate and passion for food were nurtured, while also being the setting where my dysfunctional eating took root.
i've been a fat girl since i was a baby. all my life, there isn't a single moment when i wasn't fat - i often wonder if being big is natural to me. i am also a big boned 5' 7" girl (tall, by Indian standards).
my mother fat shamed me throughout - and continues to do so. she has also often stated that i'm unattractive - beliefs that have permeated in me.
i have also been made to feel unattractive and unwanted by people because of my fat. i have sometimes been the butt of fat girl jokes among my friends.
my childhood was a very dysfunctional one - something that therapy has been helping me come to terms with. in fact, until my therapist confirmed it, i wasn't even sure if it really was dysfunctional or if i was just being a drama queen.
amidst the lack of security in my childhood, food became one of my biggest sources of comfort. i have memories from a very young age of stealing food from my mother's "secret stash", especially when i was home alone. as i hit my teenage years, i began obsessively bingeing and purging at the first chance i could get. the guilt i feel over this i overwhelming.
food has a huge impact on me emotionally.
i have cycled in and out of restrictive diets in order to lose weight. the longest i've been able to stick to one is for about 15 months.
especially because i study medicine, the health repercussions of being overweight are a huge source of anxiety for me.
i actually truly love working out, curating healthy meals for myself and studying - my ability to do all of this heavily depends on my emotional state and energy levels. especially so because i have major all-or-nothing mentality - i want it all to go perfectly, down to the right time like a (not Indian) train schedule - and a small thing amiss makes me feel like a failure. then i hole up in freeze for the rest of the day.
i accept that i am all of this - and it isn't good or bad. it just is. i spend so much time trying to align with who i want to be, i forget to align with who i already am. i accept that, among all these beliefs, there are many that serve me and many that are ok to let go off. i accept that navigating through this will take time, there is so much to unlearn and learn. i accept that, at the end of this road or any road - there is no assured happiness to find. assured happiness and satisfaction with the self does not exist. no matter what i become, there will never be a future where i'm not striving to change something around me/in myself for the "better". and that's why - all these "goals" that i set for myself needn't feel so heavy and do-or-die. i accept that the burden of the future is one that i can take off my shoulders and set down. that doesn't mean giving up on my future all together - it means sailing, with no pressure, in the general direction of things that add meaning to my life.
with this acceptance, i commit to things that make me happy now:
studying, as much as i can, every day. i love the mental workout of studying and also can we take a moment to really appreciate what a magical science medicine is (': - studying also makes me happy now because it brings me closer to starting my MD, and i am so excited to be back in the hospital, furthering my journey as a doctor + researcher.
i know that focusing is hard after 2h - i can work with this and schedule my study hours such that i get a good break after this.
morning yoga and
meditating
both of these soothe my soul. they make me slow down and be present in each tiny passing second. they make me more observant and appreciative of the self and the world, more intentional with my choices and actions. they make my life richer, softer, more open and accepting, and deeply calm.
eat what is best for my body
i am attempting to do something that feels very scary to me: stop calorie counting *alarm bells go off in my head* hehe :'|
i don't think emphasizing on the numbers is serving me. i want my relationship with food to be centered around the nutrients in it, what it does for my body, how it makes me feel, being a conscious consumer, and exploring different cultures through cuisine.
this is going to be a learning curve - one where i am aware that i may gain weight - and as scary as that is, it's ok. i'll learn a lot, i'll figure out a system for myself through this, and i'll make sure my body is getting what makes her energetic, healthy and happy - because that really is all that food should be giving me.
workout for the joy it gives me to see my body getting stronger, faster and more flexible. for knowing that i'm taking care of my heart, my joints and muscles. for the ditzy of endorphins. and for the joy in the sheer act of movement.
i commit to my 75 soft, this time with 3 changes:
i don't have to start over if i break a streak. i just celebrate my longest streak.
i don't have to hit every goal every day. they're just a framework of things i'd like to get done each day
and the biggest, scariest of them all:
[] 1400 kcal eat nutrient-focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full
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t’s minus freakin 50 with the windchill right now!!! Like WTF!?! 🥶🥶🥶
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you know what is tiring? the fact that when i know something is happening that day that i cannot do anything before hand. I just have to stare at a wall or pace. what is worse is if it's something I don't want to do , I will actually try to start something just before I have to go so if no on reminds me I can pretend i got distracted or forgot.
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ive been wanting to draw but got stuck on picking the reference so i went fuck it we ball and drew the most horribly anatomically inaccurate person but yk what? this was so freeing
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misclicked on the fuckin grocery order and now i have 8lbs of berries
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i dont think people realize how painful it is to constantly live in survival mode. like fight/flight/freeze/etc. is reserved for when you're close to fucking dying. people weren't made to live entire lives in that state. can you imagine the damage that does?
#softspoonie#disabled#disability#ptsd#cptsd#survival mode#fight or flight#fight flight or freeze#trauma#trauma survivor#traumatized#post traumatic stress disorder#trauma response#trauma survival
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THAT pause. THAT smile. Thrawn in essence.
#our grand admiral entering freeze frame mode#you can actually see his brain considering all possible developments in at least the next 10 years of star wars#all depending on whether or not he sends more than two squads#look at him! he barely breaths!#lars mikkelsen is a monster#he's so perfect#absolute perfection#thrawn#grand admiral thrawn#lars mikkelsen#ahsoka#star wars
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posting here to hold myself accountable: i am going to make it to the beach today to look for seaglass so i can finish making my candle holder
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6l99d freak
#homestuck#cronus ampora#kankri vantas#cronkri#cronus x kankri#trickster mode#art tag#hear me out cronus may be a flirt but he has never in his life had someone reciprocate so he just freezes up and does not know what to do#and also also hear me out#kankri is a freak a creep a weirdo#he doesn't belong here
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I’m just begging you: Don’t make us go there again.
#oscar isaac#moon knight#marc spector#moonknightedit#chrissie gifs#tw: trauma#tw: child abuse#It still blows my mind how the people involved in this show seemed to have a better understanding of trauma#than most professional therapists do#It's so heartbreaking to see how you can literally see Marc being stuck in his freeze reaction#While Steven moves around and explores#Marc's feet are rooted to the spot#He doesn't get a word out and he is clearly struggling to breathe#He can't even move his body towards the threat (i.e. his mother banging against the door) so he mostly just moves his eyes#Until the door bursts open and Marc's flight mode is activated#There is so much evidence that talking about your trauma again and again does nothing to integrate it and heal from it#And Harrow is such a text book example of so called health care professionals that force their patients to be re-traumatized again and again#Marc literally shows Steven how he suffered the most horrible and painful injuries to his soul#And it neither helps him to integrate his trauma nor to balance the scales#The healing process only starts when he allows himself to start learning to be accepted and taken care of by Steven#I am sorry I just love him so much 🥺
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I LOVE YOU……
#SORRY. ok#literally I always play AS him when I play tropical freeze#like I don’t play the original mode I always play funky mode. so in my defense there’s a lot of Dialoge from him I haven’t seen in game 😢😢😢#I havent Seen this one before….. I lvoe you…….#ok I’m crazy we get it#txt#gush tag! 💌#🦍🏄♂️🌊
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Just finished another class on how to not put my foot in my mouth and it's soooo validating to know people have to learn these skills like anything else. I've signed up for uhhh I think this is like my 3rd or 4th? And experts on how to not sound like a dick will school me and 30 other professionals on how to not sound like a dick. Wiiiiiiild how much there is to learn on the intricacies of communication :O
#Creepy chatter#Professionally I've been trained on the SCARF model a lot but this is the first they linked neuroscience :o#We discussed how to avoid accidentally triggering fight/flight/freeze by limiting perceived social threats#Which is sooo neat bc I've had a similar discussion w my therapist and both said essentially the same thing#Your brain DOES experience social threat/injury just like a physical threat/injury. Right down to a pain sensation.#Just like lol...being aware of that can make navigating conversations a little more understandable tbh#In F/F/F mode your brain literally does not use its logic center. We have entered unga bunga survival instincts.#Idk I have been enjoying this type of learning. Very psychology based w a focus on improving relationships :)
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