#self parenting
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honestly, optimal version of being a parent would be traveling back in time to adopt my past self and raise me as my own
#scout's brain#self parenting#mental health#trans#childhood trauma#abuse survivor#time travel#y'know what this would actually be really cute as a scifi short story
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me rn bc i’m moving away tomorrow from my home state that i have lived in for all 21 years and no longer letting family get inside my head with doubts lol.
#black girl tumblr#positive mindset#reality shifting#raesworld1#life path#life journey#self healing#self parenting#shift your mindset#reprogramyourmind#relatable#meme#spirituality#spiritual development#personal development#self impowerment
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de-catastrophizing
breathe in, breathe out
body
i want to step back and accept: i am 88 kilos at this moment, i have fat rolls that i try to conceal. i do not fit into the conventional standards of beauty. BUT i'm blessed to have a strong and healthy body - it's a real privilege, and i am so grateful for it. and i'm beautiful! i have lots of clothes i feel pretty in - and feeling it myself, irrespective of what anyone else says, is precious.
also, my best friend ♡ T-T is my favourite person in the whole world
i do have some goals for my body - these are majorly rooted in vanity - and that's okay. it's Dora Milaje looking out for me, protecting me from years of being fat shamed by my mother and society. this is why losing weight makes me feel more confident - and that's okay. my weight loss goals are also rooted in nurturing it so it can do the best of all the magic it is capable of. i want to lose fat to
have a healthy metabolism,
balanced hormones,
and healthy skin and nails.
keep my joints healthy
reduce the risk of CVDs
i want to lift heavy, jump, run, climb, be flexible.
i am not my ideal self now - but i am on my journey to it. it feels like it'll never end, on some days it's the hardest thing i do, i fail more often than i'm comfortable with - and it's ok. this is my character arc - and what's a good character arc without some struggle? besides, life is bigger than calories in-calories out, of course it's a struggle.
things i can do to support myself through this struggle:
stay kind when things don't go as planned
make the tough choices easier to make
plan ahead
look deeper, understand more of what drives me and what breaks me
have a little talk with myself before jumping on the indulgence train: be mindful, check in with my emotions, negotiate alternatives that are better for me
show up every day - can't be my best self every day, but i can be more like my best self
academics
//tummy flip
my anxiety is inversely proportional to the no. of days left to the exam. this means, freezing through the day and panic attacks at night.
to support myself through this, i can
make space for things that calm me down: meditating, staying mindful through little activities like doing the dishes and cooking, walks, working out, sleeping well, avoiding parent-interaction
prioritise studying: this means letting other people know that i don't have time for some things, making conscious decisions about how i spend my time, showing up at my study table and sitting through the first 20m even when it seems impossible
set concrete goals, track progress, actively monitor emotions
eliminate distractions: when studying, focus only on that.
no scrolling during study breaks: breaks aren't to load up more information on the brain, but to step back and relax. like really relax - stretch, walk, drink water, snack, gaze out the window, pet my babies
consume less than 2 hours of media per day: like, seriously! i know how much of a game changer this is
tap into how much i enjoy studying
75 soft reval - to make it align with changing life season. i want to ease off the stress too, because the next 56 days are already super stressful for me. i'm going to cut down on the no. of goals i set out for myself.
body
[] yoga every morning x20m: outdoors if i'm up early
movement first thing in the morning is the goal here. to save on time, i'm going to do yoga (my walks end up taking an hour). morning sun, or even just watching the sun come up makes me feel really good, so i want to practice outdoors.
to make this choice easier, i'll keep my mat and water bottle ready to go by my door the previous night.
[] midday wxo
summer is here - the afternoons are unbearably hot and it's v hard to focus while i'm a sweltering mess. i want to capitalise on evening study hours, so i'm reserving 11 am to 3 pm for working out, chores and cooking. this is also why i'm cutting down yoga to 20m - to make more of the cooler mornings.
can switch up here, like maybe go for a walk in the morning and yoga in the evening.
[] 1400 kcal/day x6/week
sad to see my raw veg/fruit goal go - i put it in to make myself come up with more ways to consume them, and i think i've established a good enough menu to tap into for now. i'll incorporate these into my meals, and maybe bring this goal back later when i have the headspace for it.
mind
[] meditate once/d
[] study 6h/d x6d + 4h on break day = 40h/w
well, that's down to 5 goals from the 10 i was going for earlier! i have some ground rules like
prioritize getting 7h of sleep but if i do sleep late, wake up before 6.30 am irrespective of what i went to bed (sounds inhuman but this is honestly best for me: a day or 2 of less sleep can be made up for with afternoon naps and i really do function best when i wake up early)
have social time once/week
do not consume media for more than 2h per day: includes little things like not using my phone until i'm done with morning yoga, not scrolling in between study sessions and not using my phone to deal with a freeze mode T-T
goddd, if not for 75 days, i really hope to see this through for the 56 days to my exam at least. //stress surge// ok, i've got this. everything is ok, i am enough and i am capable of way more than my stressed out self feels rn. i'm not doing anything i don't want to - all of these things are exactly what i want for myself, and it's just my surface brain that's feeling so apprehensive and stressed. once i get into it, it's all going to be fine amazing because let's be honest ok: i love eating healthy and putting thought into my food, i love working out, i fkn love yoga and how good it makes my body feel, i love the deep stillness of meditation, and studying is that exact perfect blend of challenge+something i'm good at that gets me flowing.
lots of love to me teehee and every person out there life-ing ♡ ☆
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When it comes to parenting the inner child, you will make mistakes. That doesn't mean you are a bad self parent.
Your perfectionism with parenting the inner child to such a high regard and getting upset at yourself for not achieving that goal or not having the right info how to parent yourself is what makes you feel like you are crap at parenting the inner child.
You should feel like your inner child deserves the best self parenting that you may not have gotten. That's great, but I'm not sure it'll be that useful to attack yourself for mistakes in the process of learning how to do that.
You are just highly sensitive towards your inner child's needs. That's not a bad thing. Just don't let mistakes eat at you or make you feel like giving up or self sabotaging. You'll have another chance to improve at. Take breaks as needed. Then come back to it.
#spiritual#spirituality#innerchildhealing#innerchild#self parenting#healing#shadowwork#shadow work#mentalhealth#mental health education
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I asked myself this question last night: what do you need to be emotionally ready to sleep? Last night the answer was to journal the key insights I have had over the weekend.
In order to get a full night's sleep, I should be going to bed, to sleep, a couple hours earlier than I usually want to. There's a meme that says the Japanese have a word that means revenge bedtime procrastination. I remember reading that it most often happens when someone hasn't gotten any time for themselves or time to do something they want to do (as opposed to all the things they have to do all day.)
Since I started working a job where I need to be up at 6:30am, this has been a very real part of my life. I work all day, grab a snack, do whatever social thing I need to do in the evening, and when I'm home at 9:30, I am really tired. But I am not able to just hustle to bed and sleep. I need to unwind and play a game or do some social media time. Heck, I am even now procrastinating bed as I write this.
So last night, I asked myself this question. The answer, then, was some journaling. Tonight, I did some writing and talked to a family member who lives far away. Both were great chances for me to settle into my mind, heart, and body.
I'm looking forward to seeing how my exploration of this question goes.
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I first played Emily Short's interactive fiction piece Galatea on November 10, 2008, when I was 15. I'm now 30 and I can't get it out of my head.
Galatea is a modern retelling of the story of the sculptor Pygmalion and his statue Galatea, where the recently animated Galatea has been sold to an art museum that decides to enter her into an exhibit for robotic art pieces.
In this adaptation, you (the player character) are an art critic encountering Galatea in the exhibit. Pygmalion is absent: one of the first things you are told, if you examine the placard the museum put in front of Galatea, is that (The artist has since committed suicide.)
What happens next is up to you - at least, if you can prod the cynical art critic protagonist to do it, or extend the right sympathies or torments to Galatea through the critic's mouth. Her stakes are far higher than yours - your words help define who and what she is, and what will become of her next.
Though absent, her artist is the giant looming over the interaction. Galatea cannot ignore his weight and the weight of his absence - he is nearly her entire life up until now. She tells you about how tormented he was, and where he found his small pleasures.
It's hard in my life not to look at myself through the eyes of the critic, but I can't help but wonder whether I relate to Galatea or Pygmalion more. Maybe we're each a little of both.
Since coming out as trans, I wonder sometimes: did Pygmalion kill himself in some desperate, dark ploy to create her? To become her? Merely to leave behind some sign he was here, a successor he hoped he could cut free of his own burdens to live a different life?
I've wanted all of those things at one point or another.
#galatea#emily short#interactive fiction#transgender#self discovery#art criticism#self parenting#personal#this is a review but this is also a personal post. i'm not sure which this is primarily.
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It’s still jarring when I catch myself expressing a mannerism I picked up from my ex who used to be my FP. Moments like those are when I realize how much work there still needs to be done.
How much of me was really me when I was with him? When I broke up with him an entire part of me felt ripped away. It felt like I lost all my limbs and I had to piece everything back together from scratch. When I say I was devastated: It felt like a pain which word I cannot find to describe it fully yet. Having an FP for that long was probably one of the worst things in my life.
With all that said I’m now almost 1 year completely rid of him and living my life so much more truthful to myself. All the comfort I found in him I’m finding in myself as a form of grounding. Even something as simple as watching a series by myself while drinking a bubbly drink. I’m creating ways of comforting myself that sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. My baby self really deserves a good parent that is always there to care for baby.
#actually bpd#bpd#bgc#bpd thoughts#living with bpd#quiet borderline#actually borderline#bpd shit#quiet bpd#self parenting
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i see great potential in this meme format
#childhood trauma#healing#generational healing#meme#funi#mine hehe#attachment#attachment trauma#self parenting#anxious attachment
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If I were my own parent, my efforts would extend far and beyond the usual just so she could be happy and feel loved.
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Treating my little frantic heart like a wailing animal on the way to the vet
“yes I know bby, it’s fine, soon we’re there. Yeah it’s scary, I knoww. All is going to be fine *hands treat*”
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CONSENT, PEOPLE. CONSENT. IT'S A THING. LEARN TO ACCEPT A "NO". LEARN TO SAY "NO". CONSENT👏🏾 CONSENT👏🏾 and (I cannot stress this enough) CONSENT.👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
BOUNDARIES ARE A GOOD AND HEALTHY THING. LET PEOPLE TELL YOU NO AND DON'T DEMAND AN EXPLANATION BC SOMETIMES IT'S NONE 👏🏾 OF YOUR 👏🏾 BEESWAX👏🏾.
This goes for employers, spouses and partners, friends, parents, family, me, you, and a dog named Boo, everyone. Pleasssseee. Hear me out:
Consent.
#i love you all#stay safe#stay healthy#boundaries#consent#consent is key#ptsd#shadow work#healing#inner child#reparenting#self parenting#disabled#chronic illness#chronically ill#chronic pain#chronic disability#chronically fatigued#fibromyalgia#undiagnosed chronic pain#undiagnosed chronic illness#melody morningdew#mental health matters#mentalheathawareness#actually mentally ill#mentally disordered#mental illness#mental health#anxitey#depression
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acceptance and commitment
//feeling so self-sabotage-y//
the past 4 days have been supremely unproductive. we had to deal with a stressful housing situation and my back pain had me wincing while doing anything but lying supine in bed. thankfully, both of these things got sorted out on Wednesday (i am so so grateful it's all settled down, especially our housing sitch). yesterday was supposed to be the day i get back on track but i made the horrible decision to weigh myself in the morning - and that triggered a landslide of self-hate and misery that had me non-functional for the rest of the day.
currently, it's Friday morning - a week has gone by and i've done nothing. i feel disgusted with myself, my body, my inability to compartmentalize and prioritize - the self-judgement is so strong, it's making me want to numb myself with instant gratification. i am not looking forward to my day, i don't want to do anything.
so here's some acceptance:
stress puts me in freeze mode.
guilting myself over things i haven't done, apprehension over my prolonging to-do list make me want to avoid these things even more.
i find it difficult to stay motivated and consistent after working hard for about a week. it gets exhausting to exercise, control my diet, and do chores - all squeezed into my study breaks. i get about an hour in a day to relax and do other things that i enjoy, and i think that might be the reason why i feel so crazy by the end of a productive week.
once a stressor is resolved, i need some mental health time to process things, clear my mind, and get back in the zone. writing, yoga and meditating are my favourite ways to process things.
academic success is the only time my parents expressed their appreciation for me through a childhood where i was unseen and felt unloved/unwanted for the most part.
my hyper-intense focus on how fat i am makes it hard for me to feel confident in my skin.
i eat more when i'm stressed. i eat more when i'm sad. i eat more when i'm happy and want to celebrate. i think about food often - i enjoy meal planning, i enjoy cooking. i love experimenting with new cuisines, trying out new restaurants, and eating at the really good ones. i'm a picky eater in the sense that i want to eat food that's skillfully cooked and tastes really good.
i'm often bored of the food i cook at home, or too tired to put a good tasting meal together for us. and since A can't cook, we end up eating out.
my mother in grained in me this dysfunctional system of food scarcity: she labelled foods and heavily restricted the bad ones. these restrictions only applied to us, while she herself would freely eat said "bad" foods from the hidden secret stash. she conditioned us into believing that eating out = stuffing yourself to the fullest (my brother would often throw up by the time we got to dessert at a buffet, and then continue to eat - and this was something my mother would laugh at) and this is a pattern i'm struggling so hard to break out of now - treating a restaurant meal like any other meal: one that is balanced and just enough to keep me energized and make me feel good after.
Bengali culture is very food centric - i think this is where my snobby palate and passion for food were nurtured, while also being the setting where my dysfunctional eating took root.
i've been a fat girl since i was a baby. all my life, there isn't a single moment when i wasn't fat - i often wonder if being big is natural to me. i am also a big boned 5' 7" girl (tall, by Indian standards).
my mother fat shamed me throughout - and continues to do so. she has also often stated that i'm unattractive - beliefs that have permeated in me.
i have also been made to feel unattractive and unwanted by people because of my fat. i have sometimes been the butt of fat girl jokes among my friends.
my childhood was a very dysfunctional one - something that therapy has been helping me come to terms with. in fact, until my therapist confirmed it, i wasn't even sure if it really was dysfunctional or if i was just being a drama queen.
amidst the lack of security in my childhood, food became one of my biggest sources of comfort. i have memories from a very young age of stealing food from my mother's "secret stash", especially when i was home alone. as i hit my teenage years, i began obsessively bingeing and purging at the first chance i could get. the guilt i feel over this i overwhelming.
food has a huge impact on me emotionally.
i have cycled in and out of restrictive diets in order to lose weight. the longest i've been able to stick to one is for about 15 months.
especially because i study medicine, the health repercussions of being overweight are a huge source of anxiety for me.
i actually truly love working out, curating healthy meals for myself and studying - my ability to do all of this heavily depends on my emotional state and energy levels. especially so because i have major all-or-nothing mentality - i want it all to go perfectly, down to the right time like a (not Indian) train schedule - and a small thing amiss makes me feel like a failure. then i hole up in freeze for the rest of the day.
i accept that i am all of this - and it isn't good or bad. it just is. i spend so much time trying to align with who i want to be, i forget to align with who i already am. i accept that, among all these beliefs, there are many that serve me and many that are ok to let go off. i accept that navigating through this will take time, there is so much to unlearn and learn. i accept that, at the end of this road or any road - there is no assured happiness to find. assured happiness and satisfaction with the self does not exist. no matter what i become, there will never be a future where i'm not striving to change something around me/in myself for the "better". and that's why - all these "goals" that i set for myself needn't feel so heavy and do-or-die. i accept that the burden of the future is one that i can take off my shoulders and set down. that doesn't mean giving up on my future all together - it means sailing, with no pressure, in the general direction of things that add meaning to my life.
with this acceptance, i commit to things that make me happy now:
studying, as much as i can, every day. i love the mental workout of studying and also can we take a moment to really appreciate what a magical science medicine is (': - studying also makes me happy now because it brings me closer to starting my MD, and i am so excited to be back in the hospital, furthering my journey as a doctor + researcher.
i know that focusing is hard after 2h - i can work with this and schedule my study hours such that i get a good break after this.
morning yoga and
meditating
both of these soothe my soul. they make me slow down and be present in each tiny passing second. they make me more observant and appreciative of the self and the world, more intentional with my choices and actions. they make my life richer, softer, more open and accepting, and deeply calm.
eat what is best for my body
i am attempting to do something that feels very scary to me: stop calorie counting *alarm bells go off in my head* hehe :'|
i don't think emphasizing on the numbers is serving me. i want my relationship with food to be centered around the nutrients in it, what it does for my body, how it makes me feel, being a conscious consumer, and exploring different cultures through cuisine.
this is going to be a learning curve - one where i am aware that i may gain weight - and as scary as that is, it's ok. i'll learn a lot, i'll figure out a system for myself through this, and i'll make sure my body is getting what makes her energetic, healthy and happy - because that really is all that food should be giving me.
workout for the joy it gives me to see my body getting stronger, faster and more flexible. for knowing that i'm taking care of my heart, my joints and muscles. for the ditzy of endorphins. and for the joy in the sheer act of movement.
i commit to my 75 soft, this time with 3 changes:
i don't have to start over if i break a streak. i just celebrate my longest streak.
i don't have to hit every goal every day. they're just a framework of things i'd like to get done each day
and the biggest, scariest of them all:
[] 1400 kcal eat nutrient-focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full
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fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.
#fatima aamer bilal#i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time#i mother it the absence of her#poetry#literature#poeticstories#art#book quotations#poetry collection#web weaving#words words words#writings#yearning#longing#parent issues#bts#self deprecation#taylor swift#franz kafka#sylvia plath#lana del rey#mahmoud darwish#jane austen#dark academia#dark poetry#pheobe bridgers#mitski#lit#abandoment issues#fantasy
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No one ever tells you about the fact that the more you try to be kind to yourself, self parent, emotionally regulate, the less you can "fit in" to previous spaces.
Like, you move into the place where you've dated yourself, balanced feminine and masculine, become your own black cat & golden retriever friend... the more you need people who honor their aspects. A conundrum.
#like not in judgemental way#I've been fancy and poor#i can't be your black cat person#i can't emotionally cope with a box anymore#i can't abandon parts of myself to make ppl feel better#blah blah text post#text post#self improvement#self care#witch#spiritual#self parenting#self bestie
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How to never be embarrassed again.
I just embarrassed myself for the fourth time this week but luckily it's Thursday. Or not so luckily. Depending on how you think about it. But I wanted to share my take on embarrassment and how I've been dealing with it.
First I look at the facts.
First off, when has being embarrassed ever come with any consequences? I think many of us believe that there will be some kind of follow up to this embarrassing situation. Almost no one is going to come up to you and try to make you feel bed or remind you of an embarrassing thing that you did. And if by the off chance, they do. Then they're the one's embarrassing themselves.
Second off, how many embarrassing situations do you remember that are not your own? Not many, I'm guessing. And how many of those events do you think of often or have an opinion on? So we can learn two things from this. One, people don't remember other people's embarrassing moments. And two, people aren't likely to have any kind of opinion on it if they do remember.
Then, I try to understand what's going on internally.
First, embarrassment is a part of life. It just is. Everyone is going to have an embarrassing story or something that they'd rather not have experienced. But the good news is, you can learn how to absorb that feeling and process it quicker. And over time, it'll hurt and hinder you much less.
Second, why does it matter what someone else thinks? Why do I care if they are impressed or not? Or if they thing I'm strange or not? That's a little bit silly considering we'll probably never interact again or they'll never make me feel embarrassed for what i did.
Third, I try to learn to accept all parts of myself and of the situation. Okay it happened and I can't undo it. But you know what? Those people probably won't remember. They are most likely not so cruel and mean as to gossip about me behind my back or bring it up to me. They probably didn't even perceive it as embarrassing, it's just a thing that happened in their proximity. All I can really do is live in the moment and move on from it. There will most likely not be consequences or aftermath (that I can see). If they talk about me behind my back or think negatively about me, that is none of my business. So let's move on, you know?
It's also important to note that I am trying to solidify how I see myself and learn to consistently see myself in a positive light. So when or if, someone else's projection of me arises. Especially in an embarrassing situation, I can still know who I am and my sense of self isn't warped by what they think.
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Damn I really managed to swim out of the void just now. I woke up with a massive gaping hole in my body and I stared out the window for like half an hour in bed trying to convince myself it’s worth it to get up and be alive.
I told myself: well u need to shower. That’s one thing u need to do.
And then I said: well wat abt the rest of the day? I need groceries, I don’t kno wat food to make. Making food feels impossible and I literally don’t care. I don’t even want to play sims which is concerning. I don’t care abt my projects and I can’t b normal , I’m too obsessive and sensitive and...,
Rational mind jumps in(aka parent) : okay yes that’s a lot to process, it’s overwhelming for sure. That’s like 100 topics of pain and discomfort. So let’s focus on one thing. The shower. Can u get up to go to the shower?
Emotional mind (aka baby): I guess so but that’s a lot. I have to get wet and dry again and I’m comfortable here right now with my blankets.
Parent: are u sure ur comfortable? Bc u seem like ur in emotional discomfort. The shower is hard to do but I kno u can do it. I kno in 1 hour if ur still laying here without moving u will sink further into the void.
Baby: I don’t want to sink in the void I really really don’t want to. It already hurts floating on the void I don’t want to sink.
Parent: okay then let’s go shower. I’ll hold ur hand, if u need to cry in the shower that’s ok. If u need to take longer than usual that’s ok. Even if u only get wet that’s better than laying in bed all day paralyzed.
And with that internal conversation I made it to the shower. And I had the energy to ask my friend to go grocery shopping together later today. And I grounded up coffee beans to make my coffee. And now I’m wrapping up this post to go drink my coffee.
Now these internal dialogues don’t always “work”. As in, the baby can throw a tantrum and it takes more patience as the parent to care for the baby. Or sometimes the parent is just too tired and overwhelmed as well and snaps by accident. The parent can b very mean sometimes but then is always very remorseful. But today was a good, patient, nurturing, caring conversation between parent and baby.
I’m proud of myself.
#actually bpd#bgc#bpd#bpd thoughts#living with bpd#quiet borderline#actually borderline#bpd shit#quiet bpd#self parenting
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