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xxlovelynovaxx · 2 months

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Gods I hate lists like these.

First of all, they literally say in the notes their only issues with wicca outside of appropriation (which they acknowledge is not inherent to the practice and also list later) are it being the most mainstream form of "magic practice" and being "mostly ineffective" and "not real magic". Same with spell jars. Hunny, you're doing MAGIC, you have no leg to stand on with what's "real" or not, and I say this as someone who DOES believe in magic.

Second, they have reality shifting in the same category as actually bigoted and harmful things because it "encourages delusions" and "causes suicide". No, CULTLIKE practices that HAPPEN to use that might. Reality shifting is not INHERENTLY harmful.

Also, as a schizophrenic person who experiences delusions, shut the fuck up. Every religion that exists can feed into a psychotic person's delusions, especially when being pushed by charlatans. Not one is inherently so, even for SPECIFICALLY psychotic people. Not all delusions are even harmful. Like please, educate yourself before talking over psychotic people (even if you are one).

Changelings. Okay, that can potentially have weirdness, but again, not inherently harmful. Also didn't call out the person who said otherkin is also a delusion thing (which, even in cases of endelity, is what's known as a EULUSION, or a harmless and sometimes even helpful delusion that is fine and healthy to acknowledge, but in either case isn't bad).

Literally what do you mean by self-harm. If you're a fat liberationist you'll acknowledge that fasting is very nearly inherently a form of self-harm (not even counting for people with eating disorders, since most of these religions do have rules against participating in fasts if it'll be SIGNIFICANTLY harmful, but just fasting at ALL), but you'll STILL be a bigot towards MULTIPLE religions if you say people shouldn't fast religiously.

Visualization can be energy work. Magic's "efficacy" varies based on belief system and insisting that there are "wrong ways" of doing it makes it sound like you might in fact believe in "one right (set of) way(s)" for doing magic ("one right way" is bad but correspondences and wicca and visualization are all red flags that should prompt an instablock). Half of these things are utterly harmless and the other half are actual literal bigotry.

Here's a good block list for witchy stuff:

Appropriative assholes

Bigots and white supremacists, including ones who use the listed dogwhistles

People who tell you that certain types of magic are useless or wrong.

Anti-otherkin and its more recent sibling, anti-reality shifters.

People who condescendingly explain that a certain practice/s is "bad for mental health" and speak for all psychotic people, especially if not psychotic themselves.

In fact, anyone who uses phrases like "causes/encourages delusions". I've seen that enough in syscourse that THAT'S a red flag for someone who doesn't know what the shit they're saying about mental health OR spiritual practices.

People who take issue with you exercising your autonomy even in ways that harm yourself.

Anyone exhibiting red flags according to the BITE model, especially who is trying to isolate you from others.

Like, I actually agree with most of the things in red, except for reality shifting, blood magic stuff, and "self-harm" as a vague nebulous taboo (I do think encouraging healthy practice is good, but as someone who has literally self-harmed in general, this is not at all helpful in doing so, and as a disabled fat trans person, "self-harm" has been wielded against me too many times for me to trust anything that even ENCROACHES on threatening autonomy).

A couple others (godphoning and black/white magic) I don't know enough about to know if they're inherently harmful or just misused.

Anyway yeah. Don't get your info on witchcraft from random Tumblr users. Don't take me at my word either, do your research. That's the one thing I agree with the OP of that post on (they said people should research in the notes), but key difference here is I don't accuse everyone who disagrees with me of "endorsing [x] things" which aren't even harmful.

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chasingshhadows · 3 years

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No One has a Monopoly on Perspective

So I want to talk about something before I really start diving into season 2, because I think it will underline both the way that I approach meta and identity, but also make it clear that anything I may write about is my perspective and my perspective alone.

No one - no individual, specifically - has a monopoly on perspective.

I want to focus specifically on fandom and media, because that’s what I talk about, but I think a lot of this applies more broadly as well.

As a caveat, communities, especially target and minority communities, absolutely have a monopoly on the experiences of that community. As a whole, women have a monopoly on the women experience. Black folk have a monopoly on the Black experience and so on and so forth.

But within those communities, no individual has a monopoly on the _____ perspective. Identity communities are still diverse in experiences, beliefs, and perspectives - and that’s okay and normal and should be celebrated and respected. We cannot expect every bisexual to feel the same about bisexual representation. Same with Native people and Jewish people and disabled people and so on.

As an example, I know and follow multiple trans folks, particularly transmen, in fandom circles. And not a one feels the same about mpreg. Some are entirely ambivalent about it. Some find it refreshing and representative and joyous. And some find it horribly triggers their dysphoria.

The same diversity can be found within the Black community, the bisexual community, the polyam community, the disability community, the Native community, the aspec community - and all communities. Not every ____ character needs to be (or truly, can be) 100% relatable and identifiable to 100% of the _____ community because no community is homogenous; i.e not every Muslim person will relate to every Muslim character because not all Muslim people are the same.

The danger comes when the words of one individual are taken as the word of the whole community. It is just as dangerous for someone to say “this personally makes me uncomfortable as a ________ person, so it is anti-______” as it is for someone to say “my Black friend said it’s okay.” It is even more dangerous to say “I find this uncomfortable as a _______ person, so if you like it you’re a bad ______ OR you’re not really _______.”

I am a woman, and have disagreed with other women with different traumas than mine on how media portrays different women’s experiences. I am bisexual and have disagreed with other bisexuals on portrayals of bisexuals on television and whether it promotes a bad stereotype or is “inaccurate.” I am polyam and have disagreed with other polyam folks about situations of polyamory in media and whether it’s realistic or harmful to the characters portrayed. I’m atheist and poor and fat and have mental health disorders and I have disagreed with others in my community because my exact experiences have so entirely shaped my perspectives.

No one has a monopoly on perspective.

My perspective on those portrayals does not negate anyone else of the same identity. I can say “this didn’t feel like it represented me” while still leaving room for other folks to relate and identify with a character, scene, or relationship. I can say, “this conversation set off bad feelings or memories relating to how I’ve had to defend my identity” while recognizing that my kin may have just found it funny or harmless because while we may share an identity, we do not share a history. I can explain why a minority character is refreshing to see and find joy in seeing a piece of myself on screen, while allowing others to feel that the representation was lacking or imperfect.

We can all feel and experience these perspectives simultaneously. It is dangerous and counterproductive trying to decide which ‘take’ on a piece of rep is the “most correct”. You are not a bad bisexual if you enjoy seeing a bisexual character in an m/f relationship. Your Jewish identity can’t be taken away because your favorite character celebrated Christmas. You are not a bad Black person if you like Brooklyn 99. Your asexual identity is not negated if you enjoy smut. Your experiences and perspective are valid. What brings you joy and what causes you discomfort are valid.

But so are mine. So is theirs. So is his and hers and everyone’s.

So yes. Listen to the Black people in your life. Listen to the women. Listen to the trans people and disabled people. But remember that you are a person, too. You may be the asexual person in your life. You may be the Native person. And your voice in that community matters just as much as any other. And remember that the person posting a “take” on a scene you disagree with is a person. They could be the trans person in their life. And them getting something out of a piece of media that you didn’t - positive or negative - does not negate that validity (and vice versa).

Communities do not need to be homogenized or watered down to be valid and palatable to outsiders. They don’t need to agree on everything.

Many communities do have their “Golden Truths” about what is negative representation or what is -ist/-phobic, often based upon historic and generational microaggressions against the community as a whole. But whether or not a specific character, scene, conversation, relationship etc, is identifiable and representative of an experience within a community is entirely individual. And I think we’d all do well to remember that a bit more, especially as diversity in media has ballooned in recent years, and will likely only continue to do so (which I hope we can all agree can only be a good thing in the long run!).

#*mine #i just have a lot of feelings #wanted to kinda lay the foundation for some metas i wanna poke at #and get this out of my head and onto my blog cuz i've been ruminating on it a while #i tried to keep it pretty generic but some of the examples are defo related to the rnm fandom #i thankfully missed out of the drama but so much of it seemed to tie back to this type of disagreement #fandom #perspective #representation #roswell new mexico #teen wolf #this is also #im still on my bullshit #chasing rambles

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naamahdarling · 4 years

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Tell! Us! more! Abt! Your! Gf! ( if u dont mind that is) It makes me all warm inside🥰

Oh my god. Bear. Bear is amazing.

I know people are always like "oh my partner is so funny and smart!" and like, you gotta understand that is indubitably true because of course it is. And she's also just cute as heck. But let me explain to you that she is kind. Kind like stealing a sick and starving kitten off someone's porch, kind like always having money for the guys on the highway off-ramps, kind like I come out of the studio and find her crying because a horse dies on her 911 People Are Dying show, kind like treating every human being with whom she interacts with kindness and respect and compassion, kind like I didn't know could all be in the same person. I'm not describing it very well. It's profound.

I was raised in a dysfunctional family and then went straight to a difficult relationship, and while none of those people ever meant me ill, and all loved me dearly, I still had never been on the receiving end of kindness in this way.

I honestly spent the first 4 years of my relationship with her taking it in. Like something so big you can't really understand it. Like looking at the night from a dark sky site when you don't know the names of the stars, and think maybe even if you did know some you couldn't find them because there are so many. So you just stare at the sky and feel its presence and you're like "Wow, that's real, and I am somehow real, and looking at it, and I don't understand it but I know I love it and I never want to look away."

So you just lie there eating Twizzlers and hoping the park patrol doesn't come throw you out because curfew was like 3 hours ago and wondering idly if you'll have chigger bites in the morning but not caring enough to see if your socks are pulled up. You just lie there and take it in.

And after a while of going out there and dodging park rangers you learn some stars, you get a grip on the shape of it. Maybe you learn about the Orion nebula where stars are born, or about how Vega used to be the polestar, not Polaris. But you never stop being amazed by it.

She is like that. Not just her kindness but her whole constellation.

I love the shit out of her, it is absolutely wild. Didn't know I could feel this way. And man, how I used to hate romance.

I don't know if I care for it still, actually, but I love it with her, because she loves it. So I say romantic things and I do romantic things and it feels RIGHT and I treat her like an equal and a friend but also like the most precious gift in the world, like something you cannot believe someone trusted you with, because that's what she is.

I am an atheist. An a-the-ist. And she has come [this close] to changing my mind because touching her feels like Grace. But I know that the universe made her out of the same stardust as me, like super-randomly, and the miracle that we should meet is bigger than anything I read about in the Bible, so I don't know if God really enters into it. Like, there have been sooo many sacred kings, but she's the only one of her. Ever. Isn't that absolutely crazy? Isn't that the most unlikely thing you have EVER heard?

I'm not fucking around, I love her to death. I love her so much that if someone harassed us on the street for being just incandescently queer, I would just walk away from that juicy fight because she hates conflict and would probably be upset and maybe scared and I wouldn't want to leave her alone. I think about it a lot, I picture it. We get in our sensible Honda and drive away and get Dairy Queen. She didn't tame me or anything. I evolved like a fucking Pokemon, and the world be willing, someday I will evolve into someone as good as she is.

I cannot emphasize enough: I didn't think I would ever get to have this. I have multiple mental health diagnoses and am disabled. I will never have a job or work. I'm a divorcee. I'm queer. I'm fat and have bad skin. I don't cook. I make fucking awful jokes all the time. I didn't expect to find anyone, let alone...like...HER. I had no hope. But I got it. Because love is real, and by god it may take its time coming but when it does it's fundamentally life altering and almost incomprehensibly beautiful.

I could seriously talk about it for hours. I WILL if you ask me or let me. I am quiet about it mostly (barring the last few days) but it's a significant part of my life, and with all of this shit going on, it's kind of highlighted how much I NEED to be with her forever.

#relationship stuff #by me

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teababe27 · 3 years

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Notes From the 2020 Myanimelist.net Challenges - Part 2: Manga

Time for Part 2 of the Thoughts on the Challenge posts; this one talking about the manga side.

A lot of the executive dysfunction and side effects of the chemo kinda took away my desire to read sometimes. As such, I didn’t get as far into the challenge as I had hoped, only getting about halfway through the required amount I had chosen for myself. There were even a few manga I was reading for the challenge that I have unfortunately not yet finished (Billy Bat, Battle Angel Alita, Meteor Methuselah), so I reluctantly won’t be including them on here. However, I did still read and finish some decent manga and some pretty good ones, too.

Like the anime post, I will mention some honorable mentions/one I had thoughts on, followed by my favorites that I read for the challenge this year.

Let’s do this.

Honorable Mentions/Other Notables:

Scumbag Loser (aka Saiteihen no Otoko) - completed for the task “Read a manga series you can finish in one day”

Masahiko is a fat, perverted loser who has a smell fetish and thinks everyone is beneath him. He takes solace in the fact that he’s not the Class Loser. However, when the Class Loser gets a girlfriend, Masahiko becomes the new Class Loser. Desperate to get out of this position, he lies and says he has a girlfriend: his childhood friend Haruka, who transfers to his class the next day. But there’s a problem that only Masahiko knows: Haruka died several years before.

This wins Worst of the Challenge, but I didn’t hate it entirely. Masahiko is not a good person, which is usually a negative in my book. This manga basically goes from 0 to 100 real fast. It takes a couple unexpected turns and I couldn’t help but wonder how the problem would be stopped. Ends on a bit of a downer.

Dragon Head - completed for the task “Read a manga that started serialization in the 90s”

While on a school field trip, the train carrying the students crashes after a natural disaster. Teru is the only survivor in his class. While trying to find a way out, he finds two other survivors, Ako and Nobuo. The three survivors try to escape while dealing with lack of food and light, earthquakes, cults, and the freaking apocalypse happening outside.

This manga was quite the ride. Creepy and scary at times. The artwork was really good, definitely adding to the atmosphere. I liked the characters. The story did kinda drag a bit in the middle and I felt the ending was kinda rushed and stopped inconclusively, but I liked this one.

Omukae Desu - completed for the task “Read a manga that started publishing the same month and year as one of your listed favorites” (Azumanga Daioh, in this case)

Madoka is a college student who has the power to see lost souls, kinda like the Ghost Whisperer. He is recruited by Nabeshima (the guy in the bunny suit on the manga cover) to work for the GSG, an organization that helps transport wandering souls to the afterlife. In order to help, Madoka often lets the souls briefly take over his body to do various things that they always wanted to do before passing on.

This manga was actually pretty adorable at times. Lighthearted and fun. Characters are kinda hit-and-miss, though their interactions are very amusing. I liked it.

Deathtopia - completed for the task “Read a manga that got cancelled/axed”

Kou Fujimura is an average guy. One day, he gets into an accident and is severely injured, leaving him blind and on the brink of death. He gets surgery and survives, but he now has psychic abilities and can see weird monsters. A mysterious woman appears, and she recruits him to help her and her fellow hot assassins who work for the police department. He helps the ladies take out the aforementioned weird monsters called Cheaters, people who come back from the dead with special abilities and blend in with normal people.

I liked the story/concept a lot. Kinda gave me Parasyte vibes at times. A little bit too fanservice-y at times. Very good in the beginning, but took a lot of lapses in logic (pointed out in the scanlations I read) near the end, and the ending felt rushed, though I can blame that on the manga being prematurely cancelled. I still recommend this one, as the story is interesting and the action is good.

The!! Beach Stars - completed for the task “Read a manga with a symbol in the title”

The sequel to the manga Beach Stars that I read for last year’s challenge.

Iruka and the rest of the team are back, getting ready for and competing in the Madonna Cup. Iruka’s goal is still the same: to beat the local volleyball champ Sanae Kayakawa.

Everything I liked about the prequel is here. The action/sports scenes are great, and the camaraderie between the ladies is cool, too. Though it is disappointing that this sequel is only 12 or 13 chapters, as some things could have used more buildup and fleshing out, especially the final match. Still a fun read, though.

Favorites from the Challenge:

Watashitachi no Shiawase na Jikan (aka Our Happy Time) - completed for the task “Read a featured manga” (Article: https://myanimelist.net/featured/1561/11_Epic_Manga_That_Deserve_to_Be_Adapted_into_Anime)

Juri is a former pianist who has gone down a dark path after a traumatic event in her life. She has grown to hate her mother, who was once a famous pianist herself. Juri has since attempted suicide multiple times. Yuu is a convict on death row charged with murder, and he has tried to kill himself as well. When Juri’s aunt Monica, a nun, invites her to visit Yuu, their lives both change forever.

This manga makes me think of how a friend told me they recently saw the movie Collateral Beauty for the first time. They said it was melodramatic, but they cried and enjoyed the movie all the same. This pretty much sums up how I felt about this manga.

This one honestly made me tear up a bit, as melodramatic as it was. A little dark, but I was still invested in the characters and the situations. The art is really good, too. It’s one volume, so it doesn’t take that long to read.

Kingyosou - completed for the task “Read a manga that includes a character with a disability”

One day, a girl, Asuka, falls in love with a boy, Manami, after hearing him play the taiko drums at a school festival. Manami is deaf, however, and has closed his heart to love. Asuka and Manami get to know each other and face various obstacles in their relationship, both relating and not relating to Manami’s deafness.

I thought this manga was really sweet. I also liked that there was deaf representation here, though I can’t really speak on how accurate it is because I’m not deaf myself. You don’t see many manga where the characters have disabilities. The relationship felt a little more realistic in this one because it took some time (as proportional as time can take in a 2-volume manga) for Manami and Asuka to get into the relationship. Another manga that was short, sweet, and to the point, at only 2 volumes.

Babel - completed for the task “Read a manga that appears when putting in your username in the Myanimelist search bar”

Kouta is a hotel waiter dissatisfied with his job serving rich clientele on New Year’s Eve at the Babel Hotel. On New Year’s Day, a worldwide terrorist attack occurs, with bombs going off everywhere. Kouta then meets someone who gives him the ability to go back in time. Kouta has to use this ability to stop the terrorist attack from happening and pretty much causing WW3.

I liked this manga a lot. A lot of unexpected plot twists. A fascinating mystery, keeps you hooked. I’ve always found time travel plots to be interesting as well.

Bloom Into You (aka Yagate Kimi ni Naru) - completed for the task “Read a Shounen Ai or Shoujo Ai manga” (tagged Shoujo Ai)

Yuu is a new high school freshman who loves romance manga and wants to experience a love story of her own. But when a classmate confesses his feelings to her, Yuu finds she feels nothing. Yuu sees the student council president, Nanami, turning down a love confession herself. Yuu joins the student council and she and Nanami become friends. Nanami soon confesses her feelings for Yuu, and Yuu is confused.

This one is tied with the next entry in this post for Best of the Challenge.

I loved this manga. So sweet and adorable. Made me tear up at times. Great, well-written character development. Doesn’t rely on bad/problematic tropes like certain other yuri I’ve read and watched recently. I loved watching this complex and realistic relationship between Yuu and Nanami develop. Some of Yuu’s feelings are pretty relatable. Read this one if you’re looking for a great yuri manga.

Inside Mari (aka Boku wa Mari no Naka) - completed for the task “Read a Psychological or Thriller manga” (tagged Psychological)

Isao Komori is a shut-in who spends his time after dropping out of college fapping, playing video games, and visiting a local convenience store every night to see a high school girl named Mari, who he admires from afar. One day, Isao finds that he is in Mari’s body! Isao-as-Mari continues to live her life and tries to find out how to switch back.

I know I mentioned this earlier, but I’ll be giving Best of the Challenge to both Bloom Into You and Inside Mari. I honestly couldn’t decide between the two, as they are from two different subgenres and two different styles. Kinda like how I couldn’t decide between Hereditary and Into the Spiderverse as my favorite movie of 2018 because they were so different form each other that I couldn’t really compare them.

This manga threw me for a loop multiple times. A subversion and deconstruction of the usual body-swap plots. A darker take on one, if you will. A couple of interesting plot twists, and the manga often takes a different direction than you expect, especially about halfway through the manga, where it switches to different characters’ points of view.

Highly recommended, though not for everyone.

#manga #myanimelist #myanimelist.net #scumbag loser #saiteihen no otoko #dragon head #omukae desu #deathtopia #the!! beach stars #the beach stars #Watashitachi no Shiawase na Jikan #kingyosou #babel #bloom into you #yagate kimi ni naru #inside mari #boku wa mari no naka #thoughts of the day

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genderhawk · 4 years

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Tag I’m It

I got tagged by @livqueer

1. Nickname: Alexx

2. Zodiac sign: Pieces

3. Hogwarts House: Slytherin, but the way it could have been in the hands of a better person and a better writer

4. Height: 5′6 unless I’m dysphoric then I grow two inches and if you say otherwise I’ll sneak into your kitchen at night and switch your salt for sugar and your sugar for fake sugar

5. Last thing I googled: I googled “french word for masked ball“ because I wasn’t sure how to spell it and spell check sucks and I’m still not sure

6. Favorite artists: I am going to follow Liv’s lead here and name not just musical artists....

Music: Mother Mother, My Chemical Romance, and Lizzo Language arts: Maya Angelou, every youtube slam poet even “bad” ones bc that takes guts, me Other/multi: @cranesofibycus for GIF work OMG and also the CR cast and crew

7. Song stuck in my head: Fresh by Artist v Poet

8. Followers: 524, mostly spam or inactive I guess but it’s interesting considering how FEW blogs I folow...

9. Following: 144, most of them the collected blogs of like 20 people I know, then a solid 50+ are concept blogs not personal

10. Do you get asks?: Sometimes? But not enough I live for attention y’all and I’m starving

11. Amount of Sleep: too much and not enough, every night

12. Lucky number: 9

13. What are you wearing rn: Purple dress

14. Dream Job: I do not dream of work but I do love creative jobs that generate some kind of entertainment, I’m thinking voice acting might be good, bc I’m not going to stop getting tattoos everywhere and I’m fat/disabled/GNC/etc so film would be harder. I love to perform tho

15. Instruments: I can sing, and I’m ok with drums of multiple styles. Folk and a drumkit primarily

16. Languages: I speak English well, and I can understand and make basic needs understood in Spanish, French, and ASL

17. Favorite Song: It’s Alright by Mother Mother

18. Random fact: Life is not random, patterns ar known

19. Aesthetic: Yeah. My aesthetic is gay but make it stimmy

20. Dream Trip: Drive up the CA coast, slowly, over 2-3 days instead of all at once, and camp along the way. Then a while in the bay area with friends and doing cool things. The train then, as far as I can on one train in the sleeper car. I’m with many friends but we’re dreaming so we all get our own sleeper room all in the same car (all the rooms are just my friends)... More camping and driving.... We either camp or stay in nice hotels, nothing cheap. And then at the end? Teleport home bc fuck flying

I tag anyone who wants to do this

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the-sappho-of-lesbos · 5 years

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This probably isn’t going to be phrased very well but honestly I just need to get it out of system. Because I honestly have no idea what’s the right way to feel about this situation

Because of my mum’s MS she has a lot of trouble focusing when you talk to her for a longish period of time. She’ll usually end up zoning out and just not responding to you. She’ll go and do something else. I understand that and I don’t get upset at her for it because I know she has no control over it. BUT I also think in general my mum just doesn’t like to listen to people. I know when my grandma was still alive and came over to talk my mum would just look away at the television and nod along to what my grandma said, and when I asked her if it was because of her MS she said no, she just gets bored of what my grandma was saying. And she would do it a lot. I know I’ve had breakdowns in front of my mum and when I’m sitting there, balling my eyes out, it gets to a point where she will just start eating and looking at the television as I’m sittting there crying. She says it’s her MS but I just don’t think that’s the case all the time. But if it is, I start to feel like I’m a bad person for getting frustrated at her. I remember there was one time when I was in a very low point and I had literally no one to talk to because my psychologist at the time had recently dropped me I somewhat snapped and just said while crying “look at me when I’m talking to you! Stop ignoring me! I look at you when you talk to me, stop being rude and look at me!!” but I don’t think she got it. I’ve brought it up her multiple times but every time she just brushes it aside to her MS or says that’s she just getting old (she isn’t old). I want to be sympathetic, I really do, and for the most part I think I am, but it just really hurts.

A couple days ago I was sitting in the dining room balling my eyes out and crying everywhere because I was so lonely and was convinced I wasn’t going to find love. I just wanted someone to talk to. But she literally was walking away to her room with her food as I was crying to her. It hurt so much that she didn’t even look at me. I had to walk to her room to get her to look at me. She just ignored me. And I know she heard to me because she responded to something I said while crying. I just can’t take it anymore. I feel so ignored in this house. I love my family so much, I truly do, and I don’t need their attention 24/7, but I constantly feel like I’m being pushed aside. I’m used when it’s convenient to back up an argument or be used as an emotional dumpster or a mediator, but when I’m sad, when I’m crying, she just ignores me. I know there are parts where she can’t help it, I understand that, but I truly don’t think her MS is affecting her all the time like that. But even if it is, I shouldn’t be a bad guy for feeling neglected because of it. Being ignored while you are crying right in front of your own mother is hard to deal with. She can also be so judgmental of my mental illnesses. I had a bit of a freak out before I left the house the other day and so I did my routine of walking in and out of her room and asking about my body and hair. I get it, it’s annoying. Trust me I know. I hate that I do it too. But she got so angry at me saying she shouldn’t have to repeat herself and I need to stop asking stupid questions because I’m “skinny and not fat” so I need to stop asking about my weight. I GET that it’s frustrating for her. I do. It’s hard for me too. But I’ve never once made a comment like that about her mental illnesses or her disability. I’ve never once made her feel annoying because of it. I’m the only one in my family who walks at her pace. I comfort her when she feels like a burden. I was there for her panic attacks. I was there for her depression and thoughts of killing herself and never once did I get cross at for it. But she still gets angry at me for my illnesses, even though I do a very good job of keeping them to myself. My main issue is just asking her questions about my body. I’m always offering to help her. I’m always telling her how amazing and strong she is. I’m always there to listen when she vents and gets upset. I let her tell the same stories over and ove again and do my best to be supportive but she can’t do the same for me.

Talking to her doesn’t do anything either. Because I’ve told her how it makes me feel. I’ve explained to her that she wouldn’t like it if I just went and said nasty things about her MS to her and all she could reply with was “well do it then” SHE DIDNT GET IT!! She doesn’t seem to understand how much it all hurts me. Her brushing me aside, her ignoring me when I cry, or looking away from me when I’m sad, her yelling at me for my illnesses. I’ve explained it to her nicely and calmly, I’ve explained it to her more intensely and firmly. Nothing sinks in with her. She can just be so childish sometimes and I just feel trapped. I’m not good as it is with talking to people when I really need it. She just makes me feel so much worse about it all. And I hate it. And I hate that I feel like I’m not even allowed to be angry about because she brushes it all up to her MS even though I highly doubt that because she has admitted me when she does the exact same thing to other people it’s because she doesn’t want to listen. MS doesn’t make you physically keep walking away while your daughter is crying in the dining room saying she has no hope of finding anyone to love her. That’s just walking away. But still I feel like I’m not actually allowed to complain about it

#tw #tw mental breakdown #tw ed #tw ocd #personal #just not feeling it today honestly #people wonder why im so mousy ans quiet #probably because i lost my voice years ago #i used to be a loud child #but i think i just leanrt what i say doenst matter anyway #my thoughts and wants and opions are always ignored #so whats the point in talking

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kapanbenernya · 6 years

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Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide 2 -- Extreme Rat Extermination Service

So not long ago, my friend told me about another game on steam that he wanted me to check out. The game in question was Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide 2. He said it’s some kind of four player co-op game like Left 4 Dead 2. Actually he needn’t explain the game to me because I actually owned Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide, the game that came before this one. I remembered buying it years ago and unable to actually play it until years later because my PC and my internet could not support the game. Actually now that I think about it, I still never get to really play it because nobody is still interested in the game. You know what? Let’s forget everything I said about it and refocus on Vermin 2.

Yeah, I’m just gonna call it Vermin 2, the full game’s name is too fucking long

In Vermin 2, you are some guy/elf/dwarf living in some Victorian Era London type of world fighting giant rats and buff white dudes. This very basic and very unrepresentative description of the world and the lore of the game might just net me an invitation to the chopping block by the Warhammer fanboys, but I don’t care. Look, it’s a Warhammer lore okay, so cheat-sheet's probably there’s a god or some gods with their respective cults and war happens, hopefully involving hammers. Here’s what I can gather from the prologue: a rat guy and some lovechild between a viking and an orc wants to open a portal to somewhere not good, and our heroes must stop them.

Warriors from the northern region with horned helmets? Wonder where the inspiration came from

Our heroes are a ragtag band of five people which includes a soldier with kickass facial hair, a religious nutter, a fire witch, a scottish elf-woman, and discount Gimli. The gang was formed in the events of the first game which I have absolutely no idea how it happened because I didn’t play it, and I have no intention of checking the lore. I mean have you SEEN the lore? If you can be bothered to check, it’s actually rich and ornate, with multiple race and languages. That’s why I will never touch it without a 10-foot barge pole; I still aspire to have a decent sex life someday.

But I’m getting sidetracked, so here’s how the number of heroes will affect the gameplay

The hero you choose will define your play-style. Or to be more exact, the play-style you prefer will mostly dictate which hero you will find enjoyable. You wanna be a quick whoosh whoosh DPS? Go for the elf. You wanna be a stone-wall tank? Go check out the shield-bearing duo: the soldier and the dwarf. You wanna be kinda useful and kinda useless at the same time? Go for the character that looks like he’s from Bloodborne. Interested in being the prick that fills everyone’s screen with bullshit? The fire witch’s your lady, matey. But that’s not all the depth that comes from choosing a hero. You got 3 class for each hero, each offers different passive buffs and hero skill. Don’t think you can try them all instantly though, the game’s gonna make you work for it. You will have to unlock the classes by leveling up with the first class already unlocked from the get-go.

I mean if they didn’t do that, I’d be able to make a joke about being in a classless society etc etc.

After you’ve chosen how highly you are ranked above the local commoner, in comes the weapons. Your main bread and butter is the melee weapon. Of course there’s the good old stereotype on the weapon variety: fast but weak, strong but slow, and medium but medium. The only ones that are a bit different than the rest are the weapons that’s paired with shields, which allows you to block more incoming attacks from enemies before getting your guard broken. Okay, let’s see the variety of shield weapons available: fast but weak, strong but-oh bother, it’s just the fucking same. Mind you, these weapons are not shared among heroes, for each weapon are exclusive to one hero and one hero only. So don’t think you can cheat the game by giving the whoosh whoosh elf a goddamn mace and shield.

But as the old adage goes: “man cannot survive on bread, rats, and buff dudes alone”, so here comes some tasty peanut butter spread to save us from blandness in the form of ranged weapons. As with the melee weapons there are also varieties of different types of ranged weapon for each hero and class, and also like melee weapons, exclusive to each hero. Now, don’t expect to me explain the uniqueness of each weapon type and/or combinations, because that shit’s up to you to try and decide which one’s up your alley.

With those weapons explained, care for a little test drive on rats and buff dudes?

Believe me when I say there are a lot of enemy variations in this game. First off, there’s two factions of enemies going hand in hand to knock the living shit out of your party: the Skaven and the Chaos Army. Although for simplicity matters, I preferred calling them rats and buff dudes respectively, simply because that’s what they are. To start, you’ve got the mob enemies. They’re weak, plentiful, bland, and makes up for 90% of the enemy. And then there’s the elite enemies. They are enemies that have different behavior and approach towards your party. There are ones that disables a player, the ones that punishes loners and drags them away from the party, area denial, the big tanky mini-boss, and so on. These elite enemies are unique in design and therefore can be easily distinguished from the mob by audio cues and vision, especially after the in-game characters shouted callouts before the enemy can even be seen anywhere in this plane of existence. But the one thing I find curious is that design-wise and gameplay-wise, I find that the elite rat enemies are more interesting than the elite buff dudes. I mean you got the sneaky rat and the hooker rat that makes you stick together, the gas rat and fire rat that pushes you away from a beloved choke point, and gatling rat that’s 100% bullshit. But the elite buff dudes are just variations of even buffer dudes that charge in blindly with the mob with roughly the same results or fat dudes with magic hurricanes that’s just here to fuck your shit up, fam.

I gotta admit, still hilarious when it happens to everyone except you

Well, what else can I say about the game?

It’s your standard co-op four player PvE combat goddammit, what else do you wanna know? You grab your friends, choose your weapons, pick a map, and slay some rats. Simple, true and tried ever since the old age of beat em’ up games to the crowned exemplar of the 4 player co-op FPS genre: the Left 4 Dead series. But as of writing the previous sentence, why do I suddenly think that If I was given a choice to play Left 4 Dead or Vermin 2, I'd prefer Left 4 Dead? I mean they were basically the same: traverse map towards the objective, enemy mobs spawning at the worst possible timing, and stupid stupid teammates that just gotta fuck shit up right before the level exit. After taking my time to reflect on both games, I think I kinda know why. I think it’s because some of Vermin 2′s elements is pretty fucking shit.

You see, the enjoyment of the game doesn’t stem from the gameplay alone.It’s also affected by the amount of bullshit you gotta go through to actually experience the gameplay. And with vermin 2, the bullshit comes from having to struggle with the bad netcode. My playtime was 23 hours, and I’m quite sure the amount of time I spent waiting for my friend to be able to connect to my lobby is about a third of that. No joke, you know the worst record? 30 minutes. And even after the four of us can connect, it’s everybody’s guess whether or not we’re still gonna be a four man party after the level or someone’s gonna get dropped from the lobby for no particular reason. And what happens when someone or everyone got dropped? That’s right! Restart the fucking lobby!

And by restart the fucking lobby, I mean more gambling whether or not the fucking thing’s gonna connect again.

Another lesser complaint I got is the weapon power system. Unlike L4D which just plops you the same weapon on every campaign, in Vermin 2 you gotta find your own weapons via lootbox that you get by completing campaigns or challenges. Thing is, the weapon power you can get from the lootbox is capped based on the difficulty that you play. So get this, you start out with bad default weapons which will result in you getting beaten to mulch which motivates you to get better and better weapons until you hit the cap. What’s next? You have to move on to the harder difficulty with your capped weapons, which will result in you getting mulched again. So there you go, trapped in a cycle of mulch-ification towards better weapons. The small number of maps available didn’t help either. Only 13 maps in total, compared to 12 maps in L4D and L4D2.

13 is less than 12? This guy’s off his rockers

Yeah, yeah, dodgy mathematics aside, do remember that every map from L4D is divided into 4/5 segments each. That adds up into around 48/60 maps total, and I needn’t elaborate further to show you that 48 is bigger than 13. That’s not taking into account the numbers of custom maps readily available. Yeah, who’s the brainlet now, bozo? And I swear, the quick play is deliberately messing with my party. Somehow we always end up on the map where we gotta pop some pimples in a cave. If not that, the one where we gotta connect the lines on some temple. I swear to God, small map pool or not, this is ridiculous. It’s like this map tosses off the map RNG every once in a while so it gets chosen.

Now, if you’re a smarter person, you’d have followed the dotted lines all by yourself and successfully deducted the 20 car pile-up all these problems caused. But since unlike me and my big smarty brain, you didn’t know that 13 is less than 12, I fucking doubt it. Here let me explain to you and your slowy slowy boo boo brain.

visual pun, ladies and gentlemen

That’s right, 13 maps, 4 difficulty, and there you go on the mulch-ification cycle. Hope you don’t get bored of running the same levels again and again before reaching the higher difficulty. I know I sure did.

In Brief

After all the spanking I gave the game in the last paragraphs, it’s still fun, and it’s still a good alternative for L4D. Especially more so if you like L4D, but you’d like it more if it was melee-focused, class-based, grindy, and all-around dodgier. It’s kind of a shame really, because I can see that this game had potential to be better, but in the end it just got tossed aside with the remark “like L4D, but made by somewhat incompetent spods”. All because while the core gameplay is very much fun and functional, the elements that support it ends up being a hindrance, not unlike a brake on a car that could go off randomly. This game kinda proves that you can make a gold bar shaped like the world’s sexiest pair of titties, but bury it in deep enough bullshit and people are going to stop giving a shit, mainly because you already had shit deep enough to fertilize the Sahara desert.

P.S.

I am very much aware that the connection problem might stem from me and my friends’ own internet connection, but I did rule it out because L4D works like magic in comparison, and this proves that SOMETHING had to be wrong with the game to cause all the connectivity problems.

27/8/2018

#Vermintide 2 #vermintide #steam #pc games

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therainroguefanfiction · 4 years

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༄ Remember » original

Genre: Dark, Angst ☁

Word Count: 3,376 ☁

Pairing: None ☁

World: Original ☁

Author’s Note: I wrote this from the bottom of my heart and it was very emotional for me to write. I got things off my chest that I had been holding onto for years. This piece is emotional and dark, and literally has a piece of my soul embedded into it.

WARNING: This piece contains the following: death (human and animal), depression, anxiety, talks of wanting to die, talk of self-harm and religion.

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For the past couple of hours, you’ve been feeling sick to your stomach without knowing why. Now it was clear to you that your body had been sensing what was to come. Your internet had been shut off and you were now struggling with your anxiety. Panic attacks were beyond your front door, banging and threatening to tear it right off its hinges. The internet had acted as chains covering the door to prevent it from breaking down, but without the chains there, the wood was beginning to splinter. You could feel it rising within you – the panic, the overwhelming fear. You just wanted to cry, but anger soon consumed you.

This didn’t have to happen. Your disability check was almost eight hundred bucks a month, while the internet was two hundred. Your mom held your card and you had trusted her to use that money to pay bills. Before she took the card over, you paid both the electric and internet on the first of every month. It left you broke, but at least it was paid. She only had to pay on the house each month – granted, her measly checks also had to buy pet food, toiletries, and food, and the house payment had been royally screwed by your late grandmother who refinanced more times than she should have.

The house was in foreclosure and you were being forced to pay five thousand dollars plus lawyer fees to stop it. She had gotten an attorney, but he was charging six hundred a month, which she could have paid but chose not to. The electric is high and behind. The internet is high and behind. The house is in foreclosure and someone kept coming to the door trying to serve you a twenty-day notice. You were royally fucked.

This was your fault. You never should have trusted her with your card. You knew better than to trust her with money – she’s always been bad with it. Last month alone she spent almost one hundred and fifty dollars on clothes because she ‘promised’ the girl and said the girl was holding the items for her. You should have said no. God, why the fuck didn’t you say no?

A sob passed your lips as your eyes burned with tears. You just wanted to scream at her, tear her down for what she hadn’t done, but you would feel guilty waking her up knowing she has to work.

YouTube was no longer playing in the background, leaving behind a silence that wrapped around your throat. You felt like you couldn’t breathe like hands were restricting your airflow. Your stomach churned and lurched, wanting to empty its contents.

You knew how your mom would handle the situation. She’d call them and make promises she couldn’t keep, giving them the sob story about how her mom had died and how she was in a car accident and how her disabled daughter has to have the internet. It was all true, but she couldn’t keep trying to guilt them into giving her more chances. They were a business, not a charity. It was only two weeks into the month and you didn’t get your check until the first. You couldn’t pay them.

What were you supposed to do? You wanted to scream, to punch the wall, but you remained silent, sobbing into your pillow without making a sound. Because you were a good child and didn’t want to disturb your sleeping mother.

You didn’t ask to be born, to be brought into such a cruel and unforgiving existence. Maybe you weren’t even meant to live in the first place.

When you were an infant, you had gotten pneumonia and stopped breathing. Perhaps you should have died that day, but fate is cruel. Your grandfather saved your life, but for what?

You have no fond memories of your life.

You remember at age ten when you found out your ‘parents’, the ones you loved and trusted, weren’t even your parents. They were your grandparents. How did you find out? Your mother, who you believed to be your sister, kept trying to convince you that she was, in fact, your birth mother. You remember it clearly, sitting in the backroom, sobbing, refusing to believe her words. And then the truth was dropped on you, but it was covered in lies.

She was an unfit mother, they said.

They had stolen you from her, she said.

There was the strict Christian upbringing where your grandparents drilled it into your brain from a young age. You were remember being terrified to breathe lest you offend the magical man in the sky. Every day you lived in fear, scared that if you said or did something wrong, you would burn in hell for all eternity for your sins.

Then there were the school years. You never fit in, no matter how much you changed yourself. With the skaters, you couldn’t skate to save your life. With the A+ students, your grades were average. With the asthmatic kids, your asthma didn’t bother you. With the troublemakers, you stole from the teacher’s desk to impress them. You never found your place. You never found friends. You were still very much alone.

You remember growing up with one of three older brothers. They shared the same mother, but they had a father while you did not. You know nothing about your father, and he doesn’t even know you exist. Despite begging, your mother insists that she doesn’t remember his name or where to find him. The only thing she told you is that he was crazy, threatening to cut himself if she left. You never believed that she didn’t know anything.

This brother, you idolized him. You wanted to be just like him, but he was a thug. His pants sagged down despite wearing a belt. He broke the law multiple times, got into fights, got arrested, smoked weed. He was your big brother, and you followed his lead. You remember being with him and his friend in Wal-Mart and agreeing to steal. They stole lighters for their cigarettes and blunts, you stole gel pens because you were a child that liked to write. You didn’t get caught, but you felt guilty and have never forgiven yourself.

He was more than just a bad influence, he was a destroyer. A monster that made you feel small and unwanted. How many times did he call you fat and useless? How many times did he say you were going to grow up to be a piece of shit? You were just a fatass with no future. You didn’t deserve to live, and he made sure you knew that. He had a horrible temper, often throwing and breaking things, or putting his fists and feet through the wall. He only got violent with you twice. The first time he shoved you down into the bricks, scraping the skin off your hand. The second he threw a glass of tea in your face because he didn’t like what you had to say. It wasn’t long before that adoration turned into pure, raw hatred. One that still burns inside you to this day.

You remember in sixth grade one day in particular. Because of your struggles with math, you were placed in a class meant to help you understand the subject better. The only thing you remember is how hairy the teacher’s arms were and how much she hated you for a reason you did not understand. There was a girl in that class, one you desperately wanted to befriend. She asked you to skip class and, being the desperate little attention seeker you were, you agreed. The teacher saw you both heading to class, only to turn away and walk in the opposite direction. Perhaps that’s why she hated you.

It was only one day, one class that you had skipped because you wanted to please that girl, but the teacher called your grandma down to the school and told her that you had skipped a week’s worth of her class. A lie, but who would believe a troubled child over a teacher?

You dropped out of school in sixth grade, the worst decision of your life. You didn’t understand why you just knew that you wanted to get away from people and the way they made you feel. You wanted to learn, however, and your grandmother tried to homeschool you. The problem? Against your pleas, she spent hundreds of dollars on a Christian based education. Every textbook, no matter the subject, forced god and his word down your throat. You remember that bookstore clearly. The clean atmosphere, the saintly workers and everything covered in crosses. You hated it, and naturally, you learned nothing. Your grandmother never hesitated to throw it in your face how much she had spent on trying to educate you. She was the master at making you feel guilty.

Despite wishing to die every day, cutting yourself and listening to music that screamed and shouted lyrics of pain and suffering in your ears, you made it to adulthood, still very much alone. You managed to get your first job, but only because your mother worked there. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was your job. Your first step to being a normal human being.

It was at a grocery store, working as a bagger. It was nothing personal, but your manager hated you. You were the only female bagger because he believed the job was too tough for girls, but he couldn’t put you on the cash register because you couldn’t handle money.

Your job was simple – smile and put the groceries in the bag. It was not simple for you, suffering from agoraphobia and a panic disorder, undiagnosed at the time. Whenever you would have to face another human being, your mind would blank and your hands would shake. Because of that, you purposely spent most of your time outside getting carts. It was hard with the sun blazing down on you. It would always be in the eighty to one hundred degree range with a humidity percentage of forty to sixty. It was brutal, especially since you had been doing nothing with your life since sixth grade, but it was better than dealing with other human beings, even if it was in the air-conditioned store.

When you weren’t outside, you were in the bathroom crying your eyes out, frantically texting your mom that you couldn’t handle it. You got into trouble on more than one occasion for spending too much time in the bathroom, but it was better than breaking down at the front of the store. The thing you remember most revolved around your manager. You were bagging for someone that had a cart nearly overflowing with groceries, doing your best to remain calm as you tried to match the cashier’s fast pace. The manager was standing off to the side by the door, talking with an old friend. Someone had dropped a paper cup outside and it had blown up to the door. Rather than bending down to pick up the cup that was less than a foot away, he made you stop bagging for the customer and pick the cup up because he was too good to bend his ass over and pick it up himself.

You don’t remember if you got let go or if you quit after that. You just remember no longer working there.

A few months pass of you lazing around, putting in applications and feeling like a free-loading waste of space. Finally, you got a bite. This time it was a well-known clothing store, not your first choice but a job was a job. You were hired and trained as a cashier.

It was your very first day, your very first customer and you completely froze up. You had been through training, but none of it had stuck and you had no idea what you were doing. It felt like a five-year-old giving a lecture on Neuroscience.

As soon as the customer left, you walked away and had a breakdown. You started to sob, approaching your manager and apologizing like your life depended on it. You couldn’t do it, but she felt sorry for you. She gave you a second chance, this time on the pricing team. You enjoyed this so much, despite sometimes being caught by customers. You did your best to stay in the back, going out of your way when customers were nearby, and you had many breakdowns in the bathroom. Still, you enjoyed what you did, and the discounts were worth the pain.

But nothing lasts forever. The holiday season ended and hours were cut. Your new manager, the one that ran the pricing team, promised to do her best to give you hours, but she wasn’t fond of you, having scolded you many times during your stay. Your hours slowly dwindled until they hit zero, and then you got a letter in the mail saying you had been let go.

Months passed and you were finally diagnosed with agoraphobia, depression, and an anxiety/panic disorder. With the help of your doctor and former therapist, you were put on disability. It made you feel like you really had become the piece of shit your brother had predicted. You couldn’t work. You had no education. You had no friends. You couldn’t even bring yourself to leave the house without having a panic attack.

Your life began to spiral farther and farther down. Your depression and anxiety worsened and your will to live was slowly starting to crumble away. Every day was a fight with your grandmother, who had become cruel in her old age. This was partly due to illness and being in pain every day, but it didn’t make it easier to live with. More than anything, you saw yourself reflected in her actions and words, and that terrified you.

She was in and out of the hospital for various reasons. She had cancer and had to go through chemotherapy. She had lost her will to live, so she didn’t take care of herself, rarely eating. She survived on bags of potato chips and popcorn, tea, water, and coffee. During one of her hospital stays, her nurse gave her too much medicine and she became comatose. When the medicine was out of her system, she had contracted pneumonia and was rushed to ICU. She stayed there for a few weeks, but her condition only worsened.

Her heart stopped and the nurse pronounced her dead, turning off the machines. Seconds later, with a deep and strangled gasp of air, her heart started again. She did this several times, dying and then returning with a loud cry. It was painful to watch. She was suffering and you just wanted her to let go, but you felt like an asshole for wanting her to die. The tears you had been struggling with for hours were starting to fall. You had to compose yourself, so you grabbed the razor blade from your bag and left for the bathroom. The second you left the room, she passed away, but you were too busy slicing into your arm to stop the tears.

The woman who raised you was gone, and suddenly all you could think about was all the times you fought. How many times had you told each other how much you hated one another? How many times had you screamed and yelled? She had done so much for you, but you were a spoiled brat that had taken it all for granted. And now she was dead. You never got to apologize. You never got to say you loved her.

You didn’t get a chance to mourn. Your mom was a wreck. She had always been strong and stubborn, nothing bothered her, but this event broke her. You couldn’t cry, you couldn’t complain. You had to be strong for her. You were all she had, and she made sure you knew that.

A few months passed and your puppy got sick. He was a miniature pinscher and Chihuahua mix that you had adopted from an old co-worker at the grocery store. You remember it clearly. Your hands had gravitated towards him, and once you picked him up, you didn’t let him go. He was yours, and you loved him dearly. This was a big deal because you hated dogs. Yet this little pup had captured your heart. You loved him dearly, and he was the best dog you had ever met, but one day, he started to act strangely. He felt bad and he just wanted your attention, pawing at your leg for you to pick him up. But you only cared about your game and ignored him, telling him to go away. Another regret you have to live with. His last memory before his mind slipped away was of his owner that he trusted and loved shooing him away when he needed you the most.

A few days later, his mind was gone. He was an empty shell, body on autopilot. His body was still alive, but he was already dead. And you were faced with the decision to try and save him, a process that would be painful, expensive, and only had a fifty percent chance to work, or end his suffering and put him down. You chose to put him down, but you couldn’t go through with it, slamming your fist on the counter. It felt wrong making that decision, but it felt just as wrong letting him suffer. You couldn’t do it.

You had been there with Tiger, your grandmother’s cat when she was put to sleep. You petted her and held her as they injected her with the drugs. You had been there when Kenny, your grandmother’s dog, had to be put down. They wouldn’t let you stay for it, but you were there telling him it would be okay and that you loved him. You had stayed with your grandmother, watching her die and come back multiple times. But you couldn’t be there for him. You had to beg your mom not to leave him alone while you sat outside crying your eyes out, contemplating jumping out in front of the cars speeding by on the road next to you.

If you could trade your life for your grandmother’s, you would do it in a heartbeat.

You know one day soon you’ll have to witness the death of your precious cat. She was your first pet and the last living link to your grandmother, as she is the one who picked her out for you and named her. When you were a teenager, going through so much shit, you had a severe anger problem. You hated how little control you had, so when your cat wouldn’t listen, you got angry and spanked her harder than you should have. You were downright abusive to that cat, something you regret every single day. How can she still love you after so much abuse? You don’t understand, but you’re so thankful. These days, you treat her like a goddamn queen, but you know she’s old and can’t live forever. This thought hurts you deeply – that cat has been your rock, your support ever since you were a teenager. She’s always been there, silently listening to you and offering her love and affection, even when you didn’t deserve it. She is your heart, and you know you’re going to lose it when she goes. You might not recover from it.

You’re curling up into yourself now, nose running as your tired eyes are sore from your tears. Your mother had woken up and you had confronted her about the internet. She called and was told it was an outage, that the service had not been interrupted, and she made sure to sprinkle in some guilt for snapping at her.

She didn’t even notice your tears. It’s easier that way because she doesn’t know when to quit.

Your eyes grow heavy and you struggled to keep them open. You’re physically exhausted and mentally drained. The sweet embrace of darkness calls to you and you give in, allowing yourself to drift off into dreamless darkness.

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regular-lord-reckoner · 7 years

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i wanna rant about something completely unrelated, but something that’s been on my mind lately and i think i need to just...write it out and move on

for reference, it’s an article i read about planet fitness and how supposedly it’s a shit place to work out, so let’s talk about it

so, initially i was trying to look up the different machines at planet fitness ‘cause that’s where i go and i was thinking about just making a post or something about my workouts and using those as reference and in my search i ran across this article

now, as best as i can tell it was from some website for dudes who are all about like...bodybuilding and testosterone and shit so...already we’re off on a bad foot, but i figured let’s hear them out

i guess if i had to sum it up the ultimate point was “planet fitness sucks because it’s not designed to cater to bodybuilders”

and supposedly it doesn’t actually encourage fitness at all, it’s just a gym for lazy people who don’t actually want to change

so...okay, that’s a slap in the face

and look, the article had some valid points like...planet fitness does push this idea that they’re not like regular gyms and they don’t believe in “gymtimidation” and so they discourage wearing things that are more aligned with how bodybuilders dress and yeah, that is pretty stupid to me, but at the same time...I’ve been going for over a year and I have literally never once seen someone get reprimanded or thrown out for dressing a certain way

It’s a dumb thing they have on the wall in the locker rooms, but I’ve never actually seen it enforced because literally every article of clothing that’s listed I’ve seen on multiple occasions and no one’s ever done anything about it because nobody actually cares/gets paid enough to do something about it and ultimately it doesn’t matter. and maybe that’s just my local planet fitness, maybe other locations are more strict about it and if so, again, that’s really stupid but if you don’t like it you’re more than welcome to take your money elsewhere (and should if you feel like you’re being persecuted)

The only thing they really seem to enforce is like...please don’t throw the weights (which this article had an issue with as well I guess ‘cause you don’t feel like a man completing a hard work out unless you’re allowed to throw equipment around) and the whole no judgement thing. I’ve heard about people getting kicked out/having their memberships revoked for targeting/harassing trans people in locker rooms and stuff like that so I say right on

the article also tries to bring up the point that the front desk has tootsie rolls in little buckets and that one day a month there’s free pizza and on another day there’s free bagels

this ties in to the fact that while they have trainers, they don’t have nutritionists and so ergo planet fitness doesn’t actually want you to get healthy/can’t really call itself a fitness center, blah blah blah

and like...look, to a certain degree i get it. it does seem counter intuitive to be working out and suddenly there’s pizza or bagels or every time you come in there’s some candy up front

but i feel like i’d rather have that than a place that openly and actively promotes what’s essentially pro-eating disorder logic which is that you’re never, ever, EVER supposed to eat anything unhealthy, even if it’s one fucking day out of a month because that’ll ruin EVERYTHING and clearly you don’t want to be healthy, you just wanna be FAT and FAT IS AWFUL, WHY EVEN COME TO THE GYM IF YOU’RE JUST GONNA BE FAT, FATTY

and it’s not like it’s mandatory eating either like...you think people on diets never encounter foods they want to eat outside of the gym? that’s part of the point like...if you’re actually committed to it then it shouldn’t matter where that food is, you’re not going to have it.

not that i’ve completely overhauled my eating or anything like that, but honestly it’s not up to a nutritionist or a gym to make sure i do that, it’s up to me. you can still find a nutritionist if you like, it just won’t be associated with planet fitness, but like...that person can give you all the good advice and knowledge they have, it’s still ultimately up to you to make those choices. and in the entire time i’ve been going to planet fitness i’ve never once taken part in the free food because i just...don’t want to. if i’m gonna have pizza, i’ll save it for a special occasion like a weekend or hanging out with friends, something like that, but just being at the gym? nah, i’m trying to work out, but i also don’t judge anyone who does get a slice or two because i know that it’s possible to still be healthy and on occasion and in moderation have something that’s “~bad for you~”

the article’s other point (the one that really irked me) was that the facility isn’t really conducive to bodybuilding and that if you REALLY wanna see results, you should go elsewhere

like...dude? my dude? not everyone who works out is trying to gain muscle. not everyone who works out is trying to slim down.

virtually every health professional everywhere recommends at least 30 minutes of activity a day that’ll get your heart rate elevated and if someone just wants to get on a treadmill and do a little bit like...they’re still doing something good for themselves.

even if they leave and immediately light up a cigarette and go to mcdonald’s like...it’s still better than them doing that and having not bothered to exercised at all.

not to mention like...people who are older and people who have disabilities absolutely 10000% deserve a place to be able to engage in fitness, even if you don’t see it as ultimately all that productive.

for some people it’s all they can do to just...get down to the gym and put in a little bit of work and then go home. and i get it, a lot of self-identified fitness nuts think that everyone should be on that healthy lifestyle grind 24/7, no excuses and I’m not saying they’re completely misguided but like...goddamn if that doesn’t put blinders on their perception and make them forget about the fact that everyone isn’t equally capable and it has nothing to do with weakness or lack of fitness, just...sometimes people are older or have disabilities completely unrelated to what they eat/how they exercise. it’s a thing, please accept it

a person’s participation in healthy activities doesn’t have to yield visible results in order for it to be a worthwhile endeavor like...seriously just go fuck yourself

obviously yeah, if your goal is to get fucking RIPPED AS SHIT maybe planet fitness isn’t for you but at the same time like...i know actual bodybuilders that go there and seem to like it so ???

like, i was in the locker room one day and couldn’t help but overhear two ladies talking and one of them actually competes in bodybuilding competitions and yet...here she is, at the same gym as me able to get a good work out in, imagine that!!!

i dunno. ultimately you have a choice in wherever you wanna work out, literally no one is forcing anyone to go to planet fitness and it just struck me as incredibly shitty that this dude who’s apparently obsessed with body image can’t fathom other reasons why people would want to work out if they’re not going to bother trying to get muscular and fit.

#planet fitness #fitness #body image

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