#first entry
Text
Title: A First Time for Everything
Pairing: sugar daddy!Carter Baizen x reader
Bingo Selections: Cafe AU; first time; sugar daddy
Summary: Carter is a regular at the cafe that you work at. One day, he offers you an opportunity that you have a hard time saying no to.
A/N: This is my first entry for the bingo slumber-party event that’s going on (@the-slumberparty)! I hope you enjoy it! Please note, nothing is beta read and I do not claim to be any kind of professional writer. All my mistakes are my own. Also, the gold glitter divider that you see was by @firefly-graphics.
Warnings: 18+ only, minors DNI!! Warnings would include: some angst, mild self-degradation; mild cursing; mentions of sugar daddy-sugar baby relationship; Carter Baizen (yes, he’s a warning!); mentions class/society differences; mild inappropriate thoughts; and I believe that’s everything. I apologize if I miss anything but you are responsible for what you read.
Wordcount: 3,596
The morning rush had been non-stop since you flicked on the open sign. Usually you could handle the craziness along with the rude, snooty customers but when two of your coworkers called at the last minute, it put you in a sour mood. Also, normally, you wouldn’t mind the handsome stranger taking up a spot at the counter for over an hour but with how busy the cafe had been this morning, it was kind of getting annoying. You were about to ask him to leave when the espresso machine started screeching at you and spewing steam.
“Dammit!” You muttered under your breath as you turned your attention to the machine instead of the man.
Just as you left, the brunette man looked up from his paper and smirked. He picked up his coffee mug and took a small drink of his coffee. A chuckle escaped him as he watched you manhandle the espresso machine.
“Something funny sir?” You snapped as you tried to get the espresso machine to work.
Before he could comment, another customer walked up and interrupted. “Excuse me, miss? I think my coffee was made wrong. There’s supposed to be three shots of espresso and I can tell there’s only one.”
You groaned quietly as the customer complained about their order. When you turned to face the upset woman, you were surprised when the older gentleman spoke up.
“That’s impossible.” You raised a brow as you watched the interaction. “Impossible because I’ve watched her make every order since I’ve gotten here. While making each order, she counts everything. It doesn’t matter whether it's pumps of syrup or spoonfuls of matcha powder, she counts it. She doesn’t think anyone notices but I do. So, there is no way possible that there is only one shot of espresso in your order. And, as you can tell, the espresso machine is currently out of order.”
Your jaw dropped as you listened to the man defend you to this rude lady. A disgruntled scoff came from the woman before she picked up her cup and retreated. It took a few moments for you to comprehend what just happened, you didn’t think anyone paid that much attention to you. Let alone someone who was so attractive. You blinked a few times before you walked over to the brunette.
“Ya know, you didn’t have to do that.” You felt your cheeks starting to heat up as he made eye contact with you.
“Don’t worry about it sweetheart. Some of these high society, Upper East Siders need to be knocked down a few notches. I enjoy doing it.” He then took a sip of his coffee.
“Well, thank you.” You tucked a piece of fallen hair behind your ear. You then introduce yourself properly and tell him your name.
“Oh, I know who you are sweetheart.” He gave a quick wink and just then his phone dinged. You swore that you both sighed in annoyance at the interruption of your conversation. Surely you just imagined his sigh.
“Sorry about that.” He said as he tucked his phone back into his pocket. “Looks like I’ve gotta head off. But here, take this,” He paused as he pulled out what looked like a business card. You looked down at the elegant, white card with crisp black lettering. “Call me, I would love to discuss a few things with you.”
Your face scrunched up in immediate confusion as you looked back up at the brunette. What on earth could he possibly want to discuss with you?
“Who do I ask for if I decide to call? There’s no name, it just says Baizen Industries.”
He smirked as he put a twenty dollar bill in the tip jar. “Ask for Carter Baizen.”
You watched as he effortlessly left the cafe, leaving you with butterflies in your stomach and your mind swirling with questions. Did that really just happen?
“Wow, I can’t believe this! No fuckin’ way! Carter Baizen wants you to call him?!”
You had just told your best friend and roommate, Zoey, about what happened today as the two of you sat down for dinner. “Okay, how do you know who this person is and I don’t?”
“Because you, my darling, are completely oblivious to what’s happening in the world.” She teased and you playfully rolled your eyes at her, even though it was true. You watched as she reached for her laptop and set aside her plate. She quickly typed on her keyboard and pulled up Baizen Industries on the internet. “This is what you’re dealing with.” She then turned her laptop towards you.
You couldn’t help but feel a little odd about looking Carter up but you were curious. From what you gathered from the website page, he was a rising titan in the oil industry and dealt with many areas within the oil industry. You still had a hard time believing that a man of his status wanted anything to do with you. You lived in Brooklyn whereas he lived on the Upper East Side and probably vacationed in Martha’s Vineyard. Wait, no, he was an oil guy, that didn’t sound right. You let out a heavy sigh as you continued to search the website page.
“Hey, no, don’t do that.” Zoey said as she pulled the laptop away and closed it.
You instantly let out a huff and started to pick at your food. “Do what?”
Zoey narrowed her gaze at you before she softened it. “You’re a total catch! Don’t let stupid society and its so-called rules get to you! If you want to call him, you should! Who knows, it could be the best damn thing to ever happen to you!”
You playfully shook your head and rolled your eyes. “Can I at least have a couple of days to think about it?” You gave Zoey your best puppy dog eyes and pout.
The two of you stare at each other for a moment before Zoey breaks first.
“Alright, fine! But if you don’t, then I’m gonna do it for you!” Zoey smirked, but you knew she wasn’t teasing.
A few days passed and you still had not called Carter. You had formed a pro-con list in your mind about this whole situation, which you still could not wrap your mind around. Surely it was some kind of trick? The cafe was buzzing and as you went to use the espresso machine, you were surprised that it didn’t combust on you. You started to examine the machine and wondered who fixed it, you wanted to thank that person. Heck, you could kiss that person right now.
“You’re welcome.”
Carter.
You slowly turned to face the man who was now in his usual seat at the counter. “You fixed it?”
Carter ticked his head after he took a drink of his coffee. “Well, had it replaced. You know, you never called.”
A smile spread across your face. “Yeah, I was doing some thinking. I was gonna call you tonight.”
“How about you meet me for dinner tonight instead?”
How was he such a smooth talker? Just his little smirk alone was making you go weak at the knees.
“Eight o’clock, The Artemis.” Carter said, it was almost more of an order more than anything.
A part of you was impressed and made you want to say yes immediately. “What if I don’t show up?”
Carter then stood up, placing a ridiculous large tip on the counter. “You will sweetheart.”
“How are you so sure?” You asked before he left.
You could see the twinkle in his eyes as he stared at you.
“Your curiosity.”
Later that night, you found yourself staring at your reflection in the floor length mirror that you had in your room. Zoey had loaned you an elegant, yet simple black dress which hugged your curves and accentuated your best features perfectly. Zoey also helped with your hair and makeup, keeping it all very simple and classic. Eight o’clock was approaching and your stomach was in knots. You couldn’t help but second guess your decision on everything. From you actually deciding to go to this dinner, to the outfit, to-
“Will you come out all ready?! You look gorgeous!” Zoey called out from behind your closed door. “Besides, you’re gonna be late!”
You took a deep breath before you finally left your bedroom. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes! He’d be stupid to not be interested in you. You’re a goddess and you’re completely worth it!” Zoey encouraged you before she wrapped you into a hug.
You didn’t know what you would do without Zoey, she was always the best hype girl and knew exactly what to say to get you out of your thoughts. Just then, a knock came from the apartment door and the two of you separated. Confusion washed over you both as another knock sounded from the door. You went to answer the door to find an older man standing there in a black suit.
“Can we help you?” You asked, arching a brow as you did.
“Did Carter send a car?” Zoey whispered in awe.
“Yes ma’am, Mr. Baizen sent a car for you. He didn’t think it was right for you to have to take a cab.” The man confirmed.
You and Zoey looked at each other and you did your best to conceal your excitement. “Alright, let me just grab a few things and then I’m ready.”
When you got to the restaurant, the car slowly came to a stop. Your heart started to race as you waited for the driver to open the door, you couldn’t help but wonder if you were about to make a huge fool out of yourself. As the driver opened the door and offered you a hand to help you out of the car, you took a deep breath before you accepted his hand and climbed out of the vehicle. You gave the driver a small smile as you straightened up and adjusted your dress.
“Thank you, sir.”
“It’s no problem, miss. I’ll be back as soon as your dinner with Mr. Baizen is over.” The gentleman informed you, before he briskly walked back over to the driver side of the car.
After a moment, you turned to face the restaurant. The Artemis was a high end, five-star restaurant and a place you could never afford on your own. The building itself was exquisite, brick with greenhouse windows that were floor to ceiling. In reality, it was just a little hole in the wall joint that looked like it belonged in a fairytale. When you walked inside, your jaw dropped at how beautiful it was. There was greenery everywhere along with fairlights all over the place, it gave the place a very intimate setting. It was surprisingly spacious for being such a small restaurant, tables evenly spread throughout and in the far back corner was a small bar. As you took in every detail of the restaurant, you noticed how quiet the place was, with very few other customers that mingled around. Then you spotted Carter.
Butterflies started to flutter like crazy in your stomach. He was wearing an all black suit which matched well against his sun-kissed skin. His hair was neatly combed back but still had a little fluffiness in the front. You could tell that it had been a few days since he had last shaved last but you actually didn’t mind the stubble. A thought popped into your head and you instantly shook it away, you shouldn’t have those kinds of thoughts. You barely know the man. Carter stood up when you reached the table and he pulled the chair out for you.
“Wow, you look absolutely beautiful.” Carter complimented as you sat down.
“Thank you. Are you sure about this place?” You asked as you looked around again.
Carter glanced around as well but shortly after a smile formed on his face. “Don’t worry about it sweetheart, tonight is all about you. Order whatever you like.”
Just then, a waiter walked over and offered some champagne before he started to fill our glasses. “I hope you enjoy it, it’s one of our bests.”
The waiter gave a slight nod before he walked away. You took a sip of the champagne and you couldn’t agree more with him.
“Do you like it?” Carter asked as he smiled from across the table.
Your eyes lit up as you set the slim flute down. “Very much.”
“Good, only the best for you.” Carter smiled as he raised his glass a little bit towards you before he took a sip of his own champagne.
A comfortable silence washed over the both of you as you looked over the menus. Everything sounded delicious and you did your best to control your facial features at each price next to each meal. You know he said not to worry and to order whatever you like but you still couldn’t help looking at the more inexpensive options. When the wait returned, you were still looking at the menu and had not made a decision.
“If I may, tonight I would recommend the Chef’s choice. It’s a fantastic option, if I do say so myself.” The waiter suggested with a smile.
“Sounds perfect.” Carter agreed and before you could protest, your menu was being taken away from you and the waiter was walking away from the table.
You couldn’t help but glance around the restaurant, a wave of nervousness suddenly washed over you. As you looked around, Carter found himself staring at you, anyone else that he would’ve asked here tonight probably would be taking every last advantage of him right now. But you were different, he could tell. When your eyes landed on Carter again, you felt your cheeks begin to heat up. To help calm your nerves, you reached for your champagne glass and took a rather large sip. Carter let out a small chuckle before he took a sip from his own glass. After a brief moment of silence, you finally decided to speak up again and ask the question you had been dying to know the answer too.
“So, why did you ask me here tonight?”
A smirk curled up onto the corner of his lips. “Is it so hard to believe that I find you attractive and just want to get to know you better?”
“Yes.” You deadpanned.
“And why is that?” Carter sat back in his chair as he crossed his arms.
“Because I’m mid-class Brooklyn and you’re high-society, Upper East Side. Oh, not to mention one of the world’s top oil guys right now.” You leaned back a little bit when the waiter brought out the first course. You smiled up at the waiter and thanked him.
Carter uncrossed his arms as he placed his napkin on his lap. “Believe it or not, I’m actually not that shallow.”
“Then why? You said that you had a few things you wanted to discuss with me?” You arched a brow before you took a few bites of the first course.
Whatever you just ate was absolutely delicious and simply melted in your mouth. You ate a few more bites before the conversation continued.
“I’m gonna be completely transparent here with you then because there’s obviously no tricking you. I asked you here tonight because I think you’d be perfect for my needs.” Carter started to explain, he then took a sip of his champagne.
‘For his needs,’? You thought and your mind started to wonder what he meant by that. Did he think you were some sort of call girl?
“For your needs?” You inquired, causing you to put down your fork.
“Yes. Let’s just say, I have a few functions that are coming up and I need someone at my side. I think you’d be perfect. You see, I’m trying to rebrand as being a family man, and well some of these companies that I work with aren’t too thrilled that I don’t have a woman by my side.” Carter answered before he wiped his mouth with his napkin.
“You keep saying that but you don’t even know me. I’m not some ditzy, floozy or arm candy that can be shown off.” You felt yourself getting a bit upset, you should’ve known that this was going to happen.
“Of course not but I do know that you’re behind on some loans and that one day you would like to open and own your own cafe.” Carter pointed out and you wanted nothing more than for the earth to swallow you whole right now.
“I see you’ve done your homework.” You mumbled as you bowed your head and looked down at your lap.
“Of course, I had to know who I was going to get myself involved with, sweetheart. This is why I wanted to have dinner and talk. I think we could really help each other out, if you’re open to it.”
All you could do was stare at him when you lifted your head back up. A mixture of shock and disbelief on your face. Was this really happening? Just then, your main course arrived and your first course was being taken away. When you felt like you had somewhat comprehended what was being offered, you finally spoke up.
“Let me get this straight, and please correct me if I’m wrong. If I were to say yes, would this be some kind of sugar daddy-sugar baby relationship?”
Carter chuckled as a smirk returned to his perfect, plump lips. “Well, I was thinking more along the lines of me being a benefactor, but if that’s the way that you wanna phrase it, then yes.”
You took a deep breath before you decided to take a few bites of food. A million thoughts roamed in your mind as you ate. After a few moments, you took a long drink of your champagne before wiping your mouth with your napkin.
“If I were to say yes, how would this work? Like, would there be some kind of NDA or some kind of contract that I would have to sign?” You watched as Carter straightened up and arched a brow.
“Well, if you say yes, then yes, I would write up a contract. I would let you go over it and only if you agreed to the terms then we would both sign it. Look, I understand that you probably have a thousand questions and are probably rightfully skeptical of me, but we’re not gonna figure this out in one night. So, how about tonight, we treat this as if it were a normal date and you can have a few days to think about this?” Carter tilted his head as he waited for you to answer.
You studied Carter for a moment as you thought about what he just said. After a moment, you took a deep breath and tried to relax. “Alright, let’s do that, treat it like an actual date.”
“Gladly.” Carter beamed at you from across the table and you could see the twinkle in his eyes.
By the time you got home, Zoey was already asleep on the couch and you couldn’t help but smile. You walked over to her and covered her up with a blanket and shut the T.V. off. You didn’t bother to wake her up, you could tell her everything later the next day. As you got ready for bed, you couldn’t stop thinking about Carter or the fact that he was pretty much offering to be your sugar daddy.
Almost a week passed before Carter popped back into the cafe. You were a bit surprised to see him as you came out of the back, you had started to wonder if he had changed his mind. A small smile crept onto your lips as you watched him for a few moments before going over to talk to him.
“You know, I tried to call but was told that you weren’t available.” You said as casually as possible.
Carter swallowed his coffee before answering. “Yeah, sorry about that sweetheart. We had an emergency at one of our Texas plants and had to take care of a few things. Hope you didn’t miss me too much, sweetheart.”
There are those damn butterflies.
“Maybe a little bit.”
You watched as a small smile formed on Carter’s lips. “So, have you thought about my offer?”
Just then a loud crash came from the back of the cafe. You groaned as the sound of dishes shattering ruined your moment with Carter.
“I have thought about it. And well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”
“Can I take that as a yes then?” It was adorable the way Carter perked up.
“Yes.” You smiled back at him.
“Great! I’ll get a contract written up and set up a time for us to meet.”
Another loud crash came from the back as Carter was standing up from his seat. Carter placed yet another ridiculous tip on the counter before he turned to leave. You watched as he left the cafe, getting a little hypnotized by the sway of his hips. A groan escaped you once more as you heard your name being called for from the back. As you made your way to the back, you couldn’t help but wonder what the future was about to hold now that it seems you have gotten yourself a sugar daddy.
#navy and roo's sleepover#slumber party game#bingo event#first entry#sugar daddy au#cafe au#sugar daddy!carter baizen#carter baizen x reader#sugar daddy!carter baizen x reader#carter baizen#carter baizen one shot#carter baizen fandom#sebastian stan characters#sebastian stan#sebastian stan fandom#carter baizen moodboard#carter baizen x female reader#chasingmarvel original work#chasingmarvel moodboards#courtney writes#courtney creates#gossip girl au#gossip girl fanfiction#gossip girl fandom
97 notes
·
View notes
Link
I’m creating a series on AO3 that will primarily focus on Pauline. The first entry with our songstress mayor is now posted.
#pauline#mario#princess peach#mario fanfiction#series revolving around pauline#first entry#more to come in the future
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
finally getting around to this blog.
Hey. This blog was supposed to start almost an entire year ago. About 349 days ago, but I never got around to writing anything. There was - and is - so much going on, and most of the time I would rather just rest than opening a Tumblr tab and start writing.
Well, consider this my first entry.
Last week, I took my finals for my first term in senior high school. I have to say I know I could have done better - it was just a matter of fitting reviewing in everything else that week. Let me tell you, that week was JAM PACKED. Performance tasks left and right, having to coordinate with groupmates, deadlines, and just general living.
There’s also the fact that the tests themselves weren’t exactly true to what we were taught during the quarter. Honestly, as long as my exam score doesn’t dip below 30, I’m fine with it. It isn’t the best mindset, but I’ve sort of fast-tracked the stages of grief at this point. Straight to acceptance.
On the other hand, the last few days were entirely just chill. I maybe left my apartment only twice or so. There were still some things to do - but even then, it was only really polishing up and printing and finalizing. I got a lot of work done in terms of cleaning my apartment. Usually, after class and on weekends, I would be entirely too beat up to properly clean up after myself. Obviously, there’s still a ton of things to clean up if I want to call my apartment immaculate, but I organized my desk, cleaned out my fridge, finally washed my rugs, and even rearranged my desk setup!
I spent a lot of time catching up on much needed sleep. I try to make it a habit to sleep early even when there’s no class, but staying up late do be inevitable sometimes, especially as a high school junior!
I just have to go to school for two more days (only two!!!) before term break begins and I’ll be free until mid-February, when the second term starts. I hope you’ll be there to welcome it with me!
Best,
Daph
10 notes
·
View notes
Photo
Dreams and Wishes
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
maybe this is the beginning of my carrie bradshaw era,
hi to everyone,
cande, kndusuaj, spicy here.
siempre creí saber todo lo que quería hacer todo el tiempo, bueno hoy ya no. pensé que una funny idea iba a ser flashear que soy carrie bradshaw y poder poner el palabras lo que tenga ganas.
una especie de diario intimo sin ser intimo ni un diario, porque viste como soy yo /ahr
en fin, nada bienvenides.
hope i enjoy actually.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
New Phone
Didn't the joke go: "Who dis?"
Oh well, at least I can quickly type out my thoughts here. Much faster than writing on book if I'm otherwise occupied...
(Though I can't save this in my bookcase so I'll need to rewrite everything on the books once I have time.)
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Introduction to Tropical Marine Ecosystems
Below the ocean’s surface lies a breathtakingly beautiful world of unique biodiversity unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. As promised, our adventure kick-starts with start exploring the mesmerizing world of tropical marine ecosystems — discovering what’s so special about them, why they matter, and the amazing wildlife that creates this incredible environment.
What Are Tropical Marine Ecosystems?
Tropical marine ecosystems (TMEs) harbour high levels of species richness across various habitat types including coral reefs, mangroves, sea-grasses and algae meadows (Hansen 2003). Collectively, they service the needs of billions of people worldwide, including but not limited to coastal defense, fishery provisioning, recreation and tourism as well as carbon sequestration (Moberg and Folke 1999; Barbier et al. 2011). Most people associate a tropical marine environment as having turquoise waters rich in various species of colorful fish, intricate corals, a wide variety of marine life.
Biodiversity is crucial for global ecology
Tropical marine ecosystems (TMEs) play an important role in global ecology for several reasons:
Biodiversity Hotspots: TMEs are highly biodiverse — among the most biodiverse on Earth. In total, it's believed that coral reefs harbour roughly 25% of all known marine species — even though they take up just under 1% of the seafloor (Coral Reef Alliance, n.d.)
Oxygen production: Photosynthetic organisms such as phytoplankton and seagrass provide the majority of the oxygen present on Earth in tropical waters, dubbing the ocean as the "lungs of the Earth." (Morsink 2017).
Carbon storage: As natural carbon sinks, coral reefs and mangroves help in mitigating the effects of climate change by capturing and storing carbon dioxide (CO₂) in ecosystems (Alongi 2014).
Economic importance: These ecosystems support the lives of millions of people as a source of income from fishing, tourism, and provides coastal defense services, thus benefitting regional, national and world economies alike (Moberg and Folke 1999; Barbier et al. 2011).
Unique Features and Characteristics
Tropical marine ecosystems (TMEs) boast a range of unique features that set them apart from other marine environments:
Coral Reefs: The most recognized symbol, coral reefs are constructed from the bottom up by microscopic coral polyps over millennia. These creatures make complex and varied underwater scenes, commonly called “the rainforest of the sea” (Swart 2013).
Mangroves: Mangroves are common along coast in tropical latitudes, providing important nurseries for fish and buffers against erosion and tropical storms (Koh et al. 2018).
Seagrass Meadows: They are submerged grasslands that serve as habitats for marine creatures (Cullen-Unsworth et al. 2018). NGOs (nongovernmental organizations) have called on governments, companies and individuals to protect the world’s seagrass beds.
Tropical Marine Biodiversity: Inside these areas lies an incredible variety of marine species from colorful fishes in the reefs and corals, to majestic sea turtles and gentle sharks.
Keep an eye out for the next article 😉 we’re going to dive into the fascinating world of coral reefs & how they contribute to the marine ecosystem. If you're interested in knowing more, I've included a list of reference below:
Reference:
Alongi, DM 2014, 'Carbon cycling and storage in mangrove forests', Annual Review of Marine Science, vol. 6, no. 1, pp. 195 - 219.
Barbier, EB, Hacker, SD, Kennedy, C, Koch, EW, Stier, AC & Silliman, BR 2011, 'The value of estuarine and coastal ecosystem services', Ecological Monographs, vol. 81, no. 2, pp. 169 - 193.
Coral Reef Alliance n.d., Biodiversity, Coral Reef Alliance, viewed 29 September 2023, <https://coral.org/en/coral-reefs-101/why-care-about-reefs/biodiversity/>.
Cullen-Unsworth, LC, Jones, BL, Lilley, R and Unsworth, RKF 2018, Secret gardens under the sea: what are seagrass meadows and why are they important?, Frontiers for Young Minds, viewed 29 September 2023, <https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2018.00002>.
Hansen, LJ 2003, 'Increasing the resistance and resilience of tropical marine ecosystems to climate change' In: Buying time: a user’s manual for building resistance and resilience to climate change in natural systems. Washington: WWF, p. 157–176.
Koh, HL, Teh, SY, Kh'Ng, XY and Raja Barizan Sulaiman 2018, 'Mangrove forests: protection against and resilience to coastal disturbances', Journal of Tropical Forest Science, vol. 30, no. 5, pp. 446 - 460.
Moberg, F & Folke, C 1999, 'Ecological goods and services of coral reef ecosystems', Ecological Economics, vol. 29, no. 2, pp. 215 - 233.
Morsink, K 2017, With every breath you take, thank the ocean, Smithsonian, viewed 29 September 2023, <https://ocean.si.edu/ocean-life/plankton/every-breath-you-take-thank-ocean>.
Swart, PK 2013, 'Coral reefs: canaries of the sea, rainforests of the oceans', Nature Education Knowledge, vol. 4, no. 3, p. 5.
#first entry#mangroves#coral reef#tropical marine ecosystems#marine#ecosystems#ecology#seagrass#science#happyfriday
1 note
·
View note
Text
Yesterday, I left
this is probably not what a first entry should look like - and I find this in itself kind of weird, keeping an online diary and whatnot, and i really have no reason to start, but i think this'll be easier than writing in down on a piece of paper and make me feel less like i'm sat rotting.
But yesterday I left, it doesn't feel as empty as i thought it would and i don't think it'll be as horrible as i made it out to be. I think he'll have the hardest to accpet this and thats mainly due to the little contact we keep. It's weird to be this attatched to a person i've never touched or seen in front of me.
He asked me something, yesterday, that stuck with me; how long before you forget someones voice?
I feel bad to admit this but i want his to fade swiftly from my memory, for this to just be another quick winded collition - for it to end. But he sticks and he stays and i know it has barely been any time but i feel like my world is cracking just a little without him.
Yesterday is the last time i'll hear his voice. Yeserday, I left.
#online diary#first entry#leaving an unhealthy relationship where you relied a little too much on the other person for comfort#but they need you in order to function so you feel heartless for doing so#new to tumblr#new to blogging
1 note
·
View note
Text
hello! im quite late to the whole tumblr thing but hi! just thought id write down my journey through college and mental health. here, i will post my poems, how my day went, and little things here and there. follow if you please, id really appreciate it :)
-lavender he/him
1 note
·
View note
Text
Yesterday I took my first shot of Ozempic. Doc gave it to me since my one rx for Farxiga was no longer covered by my insurance, and without it, it's $17K for 30 pills. Like, WHAT??? Anyway, I know Ozempic is all the rage regarding weight loss, and yes this would be a very welcome side effect, but I am taking it to try and control my sugars.
The shot didn't hurt at all, and I gave it to myself in my thigh. It's once a week on the same day. It did cause some major nausea though. I couldn't eat my $30 dinner and my dog ended up eating it instead. The same dog, Loki, is now behind me making little yipping noises in his sleep. Must be dreaming about that dinner he had.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Dear Namjoon,
This is my first entry here. The hardest part is always the start but I cannot delay this anymore. I hope this journal will last as long as I will.
Today, I stayed in bed until around 2 in the afternoon. The wind was howling outside and when I opened the blinds I was surprised to see that the patio was dry. I thought surely, with the way the rain fell these past few days, that today would be the same. The weeping willow’s branches are shaking and the leaves are flying, and the only bird I can hear is a seagull laughing.
A friend made a video listing 12 reasons to start a diary. I haven’t touched mine since 2012… How crazy is that? The first reason he listed was : so that you can write when you feel down.
I can relate, because the number of pages I used in my diary increased significantly during high school, when I was at my lowest. But I abandoned writing when I started university, because I was too busy living.
0 notes
Text
Happy Birthday
It feels wrong writing this as my first entry, but really who cares.
Todays his birthday and I thought it was yesterday and texted him at 11:30pm but he didn’t see it until midnight. “Is today your birthday or did I make that up?” “It is. How did you know?” Him being sarcastic because of the birthday feature on snapchat. I didn’t read it until 11am the next day when I was already sitting at my desk. I always take a day to read his messages, him doing it to me back, always upsetting me but I deserve it for doing the childish act. Me, barely 22; him barely 24. Both of us cancers, it shows. I always get nervous texting him, its like I freeze and suddenly don’t have any good responses and I always ask myself why and the honest answer is that I have no experience, he is all the experience. It wasn’t like this at first, when we first matched I was smart and witty with my responses but as time went on I lost it. I don’t know why. We never went out, never progressed further than me sending a tit pic, him always wanting to send a dick pic but me always turning it down. Why? I have not even a clue. I may be one of the horniest people, but I wouldn’t let a guy as cute as him send me a dick pic. It’s not like I was a virgin and I’d never seen one or touched myself. Honestly, we wouldn’t have even progressed to anywhere if he hadn’t shown up to my job my very first week at my first job. That was what made me believe in fate. I don’t believe that we’ll ever see each other again or go past stupid flirting every seven months, but I do believe that we were meant to cross paths. It’s just impossible for him to have known where I’d work and if it wasn’t for me being so paranoid and anxious and looking at every person who walked through the door I wouldn’t have even known he was there. Not only that’s, but for his dad to be a client of my new boss? It was one of those things that would only happen in the movies.
“That was from yesterday. Happy birthday shawty” “Thanks sweetheart.” Something so simple but still had me react like a little girl who just found out her crush liked her. There was nothing behind that text though. When you put us together we don’t go together at all, im not even his type and I really didn’t know if he was mine. Maybe he was so just a boy who gave me random attention, and I was a stupid insecure girl. He knew how to get me though, and from the looks of his following list he had a type that he practiced on. All the girls looked like the same version of each other, were beautiful, and had good things going from them. I’m a plus sized girl who didnt think she was as insecure as she actually was, tragic, rolling my eyes at myself. When I turned 22 only a couple days before him, I had a realization that maybe I was getting too old for this. We weren’t anything but acquaintances and if I was him id be tired of it too. He was too nice though and I can tell at his core he’s a good person. That’s just me coming to you as a cancer, though.
Left him on read. What do you say after that? Simple, nothing. Even if I found something to reply it would’ve been too late as I had already spent twenty minutes freaking out over being called sweetheart. Never thought I’d let something like that effect me. That’s what happens when you’ve barely ever had a male interaction. I went crazy but remembered what I looked like and stopped and started putting myself down like a loser. I know my place, and realistically this guy would never actually be into me, maybe not even sleep with me. I’m just a girl in this big scary world with no idea what i’m doing or how to feel even after 22 long years. When will I figure it all out? When will I stop hating myself? Maybe never from what I’ve heard, which is even scarier, but alas I continue living. Should I have wished for that when I blew out the candles this year? Would it come true if I worked hard enough for it or would I write another birthday entry next year asking the same questions? I simply don’t know.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Hallo ich bin Jonathan und heir werde ich über meinen Tag schreiben. Ich möchte jeden Tag schreiben aber vielleicht geht das nicht. Wir werden sehen.
29/3/2023
Heute war mein erster Tag zurück in der Schule fahren. Ich wollte nicht fahren weil ich bin noch ein bisschen krank und hatte eine Kopfschmerzen. PE geht sehr gut und ich machte eine squat aus 45kg. In Psychologie hatten wir eine Prüfung und omg war ich nicht bereit. Ich wusste nichts. Sie hatte fragen über das Gehirn und ich weiß jetzt kein davon.
0 notes
Text
Just saying hi since I've had this Tumblr for a while now and done nothing with it.
Life is borrning and lonely, I have no friends, my only friend abandoned me during the pandemic, that was fun🥺
I spend my time at home on the couch watching YouTube, Netflix & movies/TV shows I've downloaded while playing all sorts of games on my phone/Fire just to distract myself from the constant pain and discomfort I'm constantly feel, if I don't I don't think I'd be in as stable mood as I've had for the past 12 years or so. It helped IMENSELY when I got my first hip replacement in August 2013. My hip was almost completely stuck going a little inward as it was bone to bone, I had to take up to and over 29 painkillers Morphine, Voltaren, and other strong painkillers a day just to be able to wipe myself after going to the freaking bathroom. After the operation life was totally altered in a good way. It took me a while to recover from the over 1.3 liter blood loss, I had to have 5 or 6 units of blood before my blood pressure got into acceptable range, it went down to 42/29, that's death range and I was a happy camper who wanted to stand up, I had to wait 4+ hours until they gave in and let me stand up but only if they could surround me on every side to catch me if I collapsed because my blood pressure was still dangerously low with the lower rate being around 40, I don't remember the upper number. I did up and to everyone's sick I didn't even get a little dizzy. I put my weight partly on my leg and realized it felt weird, my legs were really uneven, it had been made 3cm longer in the operation. At first I didn't care because the pain was gone, only the surgical pain was there and it didn't really bother me. Heck I walked up steps on the 2nd day😁
After the operation everyone saw an instant change in my face, my demeanor and how I talked and expressed myself. After that I haven't stepped inside a psych ward (hadn't since 2010) and I didn't see any therapists besides physical therapists. I've been in physical therapy since 2014/15 and there is no end in sight, I will write about that later.
One thing that I found a little depressing during the pandemic was that people were going crazy because they couldn't do everything they wanted to do but I thrived because that was my norm🫤 I can count on both hands how many times I interacted with my closest relatives in 11 months. I liked not having to make excuses to not visit relatives, I'm not anti social by any means, I'm a mixture of an introvert and extrovert, but the introvert in me became so exaggerated during the pandemic that I still prefer being alone than with other people, hopefully that will change, my physical health plays the biggest role in me not wanting to leave my apartment, more on that later.
1 note
·
View note
Text
January 4, 2023
Hello tumblr! This is the start of my (hopefully) daily journals as a record of my happenings and emotional processing. This was suggested to me by one of my friends, and instead of putting it off to do in a physical journal when I felt "good enough" to, I am making this tumblr blog/project about it. Continue reading if you would like to follow me on this healing journey :)
Jan 4, 2023 - First entry // CW: breakup
To catch everyone up, here are some background details: my partner of a year and a half broke up with me right after Christmas and before New Year on the 29th of December. They and I have been doing our best to learn how to affectively be friends with each other because a friendship wasn't something we'd had with each other until this point. We became romantically involved too soon after meeting each other that there was no time to develop that friendship prior to a romance, and once we started dating, the romantic relationship we had already formed took our focus away from building a friendship until the near end of our relationship.
Moving forward this last week has been very difficult for me. It was a week ago tonight that our relationship really started to feel like it was coming to an ending with them telling me that they weren't sure if they wanted to break up or not. The morning and few days after this, even following the breakup (a week ago tomorrow), I felt hopeful of finding them again at some point, like this was not an ending or new beginning but instead a pause or breath between the two of us, like I could look forward to the potential of us getting back together sometime in the far future when the time was right. After all, they did tell me that we were the right people at the wrong time, so surely, the universe would show me when the right time is.
This was until yesterday and the night before last. I had asked for and done what felt like dozens of readings on this situation in various contexts and perspectives. Through oracle, tarot, and runes, I was continuously told that I needed to move on and let go; this was nothing I was surprised about and already knew, though it hadn't fully set in emotionally. Yesterday, a mutual friend of my ex and I told me that I should give up hope, and that giving up hope entirely would be the best and only way for me to continue healing. From there, my hope felt lost.
My ex and I had talked occasionally the last few days of the potential of us getting back together romantically in the future. They told me that it would be a favorable outcome for them, while reminding me that nothing is ever guaranteed. They've always been extremely real and honest with me, even when the honesty may be painful. I'll always admire them for that.
Today I expressed to them that I had a difficult time believing that they did love and miss me as a partner, and that they actually would like to get back together with me. They explained that they couldn't say that they wanted to get back together with me platonically, which is why they couldn't be vulnerable about that with me yet. In the moment I didn't understand. I thought, "How could you want to be back together with me romantically if you get to the point where you are able to say this platonically?" They explained to me when I expressed my confusion and lack of understanding, and I now have mental clarity of what they meant.
Today they also are going out with someone they met on a dating app. They told me that they were looking for company right now, and not intentionally looking for anything more. I believe them, even though my pain in the moment made it hard to be confident in that belief. Having had the chance to sit and process has made this all make more sense to me as they had explained it. It would be hard for them to find something else romantic so soon after their first real romance, and it would be even harder for them to actively look for that. They will not stop loving me anytime soon, despite how difficult I can be to love. They loved me for a year and a half, so truly and deeply, and that isn't something that will go away in a short week or even month.
I told a friend about this. They didn't understand how this could be helpful to me and that was frustrating. I tried to get them to understand that this transparency and brutal honesty is something that is genuinely helping me process and work through my own emotions, in addition to helping me gain confidence in my new friendship with my ex-partner. They ended the conversation with me and went to bed and I contacted another friend to express my frustrations.
I am currently on the phone with them, sitting without talking as I write this post. Their company is providing me comfort and mental clarity as I write this. I love this friend very dearly and would not be dealing with everything as well as I have been without their support.
There is still time left in the night. I hope that my ex has the energy to call me later and talk about their night, because I do genuinely want to hear about it, though I realize the potential for some details may cause me momentary discomfort or pain. I've enjoyed my phone calls with them as our relationship has transitioned from something romantic to a new friendship where the two of us are figuring things out again but also for the first time together. Genuine, lengthy phone conversations are something I never got much of when the two of us were the most romantically involved.
I may update later in the night if anything else of substance follows. If not, I will post another entry tomorrow about whatever progresses. I'm expecting tomorrow to be a lonely day for me, with no work and a great potential to be stuck inside due to current unfortunate whether happenings.
Thank you to whoever has read along with me this far. Thank you to myself for being gentle and creating a space for release. I deserve care and gentleness and god dammit, I will create that for myself.
Goodnight, take care; I am sending you love.
0 notes
Text
Hello World
It's Kith.
Man, the first entry to a blog alway feels quite serious, like presenting a court with one's purpose of writing -- of being!
Or maybe I'm just not used to expressing myself as I am, plainly and truly. So that's why I've started this blog! To make space for myself in this weird world, and set my thoughts free to flit through the cloud for at least some more years to come.
I was raised on the internet and spent much of my growing years lurking the sea of digital content -- scrolling, liking, eyes drinking up the sight of millions of candy colored pixels. This ritual crystallized itself over a decade. Today I sit in front of my laptop to catch the vibes of the world as delivered through a network, like a mushroom awaiting a parcel of nutrients sent through the mycelium. Hours can pass each day just performing this ritual, and I walk away thoughts abuzz with (questionable) assumptions of what other people are thinking.
But Alas! The time has come for me to stretch my legs and answer my heart's calling to explore more of the world! The actual, physical, material world that is. No thanks, Zuck! I won't be needing those Meta clothes for my Meta-me!
I'm going on an adventure! One that will take me far away from the warm embrace of my childhood bedroom. One that spans seas, lands, and cultures, if we can. We'll go inside, outside, upside, and roundabout for as long till my legs are gone.
And that is what I'll log on this b-log :)
clouds on film by Kith
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
ferris-eris
世の中 の関節 は外れえていまった...
ventpagesblog-blog
Untitled
aeniqmata
An Enigma Made Real.
tinkachu000
Lo-fi nap time