Roman: What a spread I have today! What am I craving today? Strawberry?

Ruby: That's a yummy fruit!

Roman: It is! Or maybe I'm craving banana?

Jaune: (In a dress, Wearing makeup) Uuum...

Roman: But you know what they say about blackberries~?

Blake: Touch me and you die.

Roman: So cold~! (Walks over to Jaune) Mm, tell me, my little jungle girl, what's your name?

Jaune: Uh... M-My name is... Shield Girl?

Roman: ...I HAVE MADE MY DECISION!

Ruby: Yay!

Blake: Seriously?

Jaune: Oh! You don't want me! I'm a virgin!

Roman: Prepare my chambers!

Final Fantasy VII: Machinabridged Episode 6 Review

Originally posted on November 5th, 2015

The one where Cloud actually crossdresses.

So two weeks ago I talked about how Final Fantasy VII: Machinabridged has shown the extent by which Team Four Star has grown, especially in regards to their handling of representation of the queer community, and how Cloud’s crossdressing arc showcases the utmost respect they have for trans and gender nonconforming folks. And this episode is no different, with Cloud’s crossdressing only being seen as degrading by one character, and praised by the rest.

Now, if you’ve been following me for a while (or read my last review of FFVII:MA), you’ll recall that the first time Team Four Star had a character make fun of a masculine woman, I was very critical, pointing out that being demeaned is something that trans and masculine women are forced to deal with on a regular basis.

I also argued that in the context of the show, having the only masculine woman be treated this way during the only time she is asserting her proper gender feels more like the intent is to make fun of masculine and trans women in general, rather than being the bit of representation they likely intended.

With FFVII:MA, however, Takahata101 seems to be going out of his way to assert something different: namely that trans and masculine women’s genders are valid, and it is only reasonable to treat their gender as such.

With that in mind, Tifa making fun of Cloud for crossdressing works, because it matches the cruelty and emotional carelessness of her established character without being the only voice we hear speaking of Cloud’s crossdressing.

The Church of Brodin has been more than supportive, a group of Chip ‘n’ Dale dancers gladly gave Cloud panties, Giuseppe is more proud of Cloud than his own son, and Aerith has been nothing but supportive since the beginning. And to top that all off, not even Don Corneo rejects Cloud upon discovering his true gender; if anything, he seems more excited once he knows the truth.

None of that is to say that this episode is perfect, of course. It suffers from some pacing issues, which is par for the course when Team Four Star is dealing with slower and calmer material. In particular, the scene in the “sex dungeon” feels slow, and while the slowdown is necessary to develop character (and expand upon Aerith’s innocence and jealousy), it feels like a significant shift both from the rest of the episode and the series as a whole, in regards to both pacing and tone.

The tonal shift in that scene might pay off later, of course; it could easily be a sign of the kind of moments we can expect to see in the future, and if that’s the case, then it means Takahata101 is working to overcome Team Four Star’s weaknesses in slower storytelling.

Rating: 4/5

If you enjoyed this review, consider supporting me on Patreon.

Stray Observations

Cloud: “One drugs, please.”

Cloud: “Grapefruits and three bras.” *sigh* Rookie mistake, Cloud. Everyone knows for a quick and dirty breast form you use nylon socks filled with grain and tied shut.

Cloud: “You don’t want me. I’m a virgin!” Poor, sweet, little Cloud, unaware of predators love for innocent prey.

Before I close, I want to take a brief moment to talk about the importance of representation. To do this, I’m going to take a small tangent. Back when I published my review of Dragonball Z: Abridged Episode 15, not long after KaiserNeko decided to reblog it and spread it, I received a message whose sender I am making anonymous, and in it I was asked “who are you and what makes you think Team Four Star needs to pander to tumblr gender politics.”

Well, sender, the truth is, I am but a humble critic, and my personal reasons for wanting to see proper representation of gender nonconforming folk is not a sufficient reason for them to want to do better (well, it kinda is, but I’ll get to that). There is, however, a sufficiently compelling reason for them to do so, and that reason is respect.

By acknowledging criticism of their representation and working to better it in the future, Team Four Star shows that they have respect for their viewers that they may have misrepresented, and for the actual experiences that they must go through every day. “Tumblr gender politics” in general is based upon this same notion, and through efforts to raise awareness about what these people’s experiences are, they imply the need for respect of their person, and show the harm of disrespecting someone’s identity.

The next question you might ask, then, is why I personally care so much about this notion of respect, and specifically how it relates to the treatment of trans and gender nonconforming women. And the answer, reader, is pretty damn simple: I’m a trans woman.

(about Bellos)

Eda: I'mma kill 'em.

King: Let's do it.

Luz: Guys, can you keep your murder boners in your pants, please?

Eda: You can't tell my murder boner what to do, Luz.

King: We are erect with rage.

help im losing sleep over cait sith and reeve again. theyre trying so hard TTATT

Kind of a dream kind of not I had it either yesterday or the day before but the pizza ghosts from the 2012 series of TMNT they basically tried to threaten the rise boys but their response was hey we can eat you guys and that’s what they proceed to do. Then my mind referencing TFS basically went

Raph: We learned that Ghosts are delicious (burps)

Ghost essence: Waaaaahhhhhhh!

This also worked on Pizzasaurus just before

Hal: Wait…you're putting an eight year old in charge of this place?

Bleez: Don’t worry, she’ll be safe. I gave her a gun.

Hal: Oh my God. That’s like, the complete opposite of safe.

Alisand’r: Don’t worry, Hal, it’s loaded. We’re not idiots.

Hal: A long time ago you guys pushed your morality out the side of a car on a busy street, didn’t you?

Alisand’r: Stop being a pussy and come blow up private property with us.

Hal: See! You’re saying that so casually!

"Shinra's New Boss" - Kaeojay 2022

A conclusion that I came to recently.

For those who don't get the joke, Michael Kovach plays Angel Dust in the Hazbin Hotel pilot, N from Murder Drones, Jax from The Amazing Digital Circus, and Rocky Rickaby from Lackadaisy. Meanwhile, Takahata101 is best known as Nappa, Super Kami Guru, Cell, Bardock, Dende and tons of other characters in Dragon Ball Z Abridged, Alucard in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Crump and Dartz in Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series, and Red XIII in Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged.

Sephiroth & Ganondorf, two video game villains who got big in the 90s and left legacies that endured for the rest of their franchises, and for whatever reason, I associate both of them with this time of year.

They’ve made many appearances in different games (and one movie in Sephiroth’s case), so I went and graded them all to rank them on a Top 13 list, which I’m laying out here. Ranked from best to worst.

SEPHIROTH

1. Final Fantasy VII (1997): 10/10. A super compelling, powerful, terrifying, and unforgettable bad ass villain, never to be topped. 2. Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core (2007). 9/10. The hardest any other official FFVII work went to nail Sephiroth as a character, though he is sadly still saddled with lots of baggage whether it be backstory with two dull angel wing friends or a shit rendition of One Winged Angel! 3. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005). 8/10. For what his role is, he plays it very well, and he actually manages to be legit intimidating again. But it’s literally all he’s there for - he has to fight Cloud and get his ass killed by him AGAIN purely out of obligation. 4. Dissidia: Final Fantasy series. 8/10. Again works very well for what he is. Once you've accepted that this is not the OG Sephiroth, he's actually really cool as his own character on his own merits. 5. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. 8/10. A glorious return to form for Sephiroth after...certain other incidents earlier on in 2020. 6. Mobius Final Fantasy. 7/10. He just does the generic and typical Sephiroth shtick but hey, at least he does it with some nice style!

7. Itadaki Street. 7/10. It's Sephiroth, along with Golbez, Gilgamesh, and Kefka, living in a mundane town and playing party games with Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest characters. That is hilarious! 8. Kingdom Hearts (2002). 6/10. A great bonus boss with a great look, but not much of a true villain since he’s playing by the rules, and both "One Winged Angel" and his voice... have sounded better. 9. Ehrgeiz: God Bless The Ring (1998). 5/10. A guest fighter who nowadays looks young and foolish compared to what we later got in the Dissidia games and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate! 10. Kingdom Hearts II (2005). 4/10. He straight up did not need to be in this game if THIS was the material (and to clarify, I’d much prefer he be in the game since hearing Donald and Goofy say his name should not be passed up!) 11. Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020). 3/10. Why is he in THIS game in any point of it before the finale? Why couple such cool visuals with such bad writing!? Why was Tyler Hochlin's delivery so wooden?!? 12. Before Crisis & Last Order: Final Fantasy VII (2004). 2/10. Worst Sephiroth ever, he looks and acts like a pansy ass bitch! 13. World of Final Fantasy & Kingdom Hearts UX (2015/16) 1/10, total cameo appearances, doesn't even get to say a single thing! (Side Note: Shout out to Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged Series. Sephiroth is prone to many parody versions of him, so how is it that this abridged parody series somehow produced a PERFECTLY accurate replication of the horror of OG Sephiroth who is also the most dark, twisted, and reprehensibly evil take on the character ever seen in anything FFVII-related? It just boggles the mind, I tell you!) GANON 1. Hyrule Warriors series. 10/10. Best looking, best characterized, and most formidable and powerful take on Ganon to date. 2. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (1998). 10/10. All things considered, he was just the perfect villain in this game. 3. Super Smash Bros. series. 9/10. Not always one of the best combatants but certainly never bad and always badass to use. 4. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (2002) 8/10. Whenever he's actually on-screen, he's great. Shame we didn't get all that much of him compared to his showing in Ocarina of Time. 5. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006). 7/10. He’s mostly Zant's master who is unseen for most of the game until hijacking him as the final boss at the very end. But he’s a damn good final boss. 6. The Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past (1992). 7/10. He’s mostly Agahnim's master who is unseen for most of the game until he's the final boss at the very end, but again, he’s a damn good final boss. 7. The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure (2004). 6/10. A less effective Hijacking By Ganon to be the final boss at the very end. His backstory isn’t very remarkable and his design looks kinda dumb. 8. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages & Seasons (2001). 5/10. His designs are great but one of them didn't even get used and for the big final boss battle, he's reduced to a mindless, dumb beast! 9. The Legend of Zelda (1986) & The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (2017). 4/10. In both of these games Ganon is just incredibly underwhelming, and in the latter it's not even Ganondorf anymore!

10. BS Legend Of Zelda & Cadence of Hyrule. 4/10. These games are non-canon to the main series timelines and it really shows in Ganon. In the former they took that evil caped pig shilouette Zelda II’s Game Over screen too literally, and in the latter he’s a major Adaptational Wimp who seems almost more like a parody of Ganon!

11. The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds (2013). 3/10. Yuga, the Lorule counterpart to Ganon, is an excellent villain, but his whole thing relies on Ganon being made a chump to get hijacked by him! 12. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (1993). 2/10. He was just a nightmare, so grab your fuzzy TEDDY BEAR! 13. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (1987). 1/10, GAME OVER, RETURN OF GANON. That's literally it.

(Side Note: OK, to address the elephant pig in the room, the Ganon from the ever notorious Zelda CDI games would get a 0/10 for not just non-canonical status and lack of faithfulness, but being just atrocious in general. Atrocious design, atrocious animation, atrocious dialogue, atrocious fights and defeats, literally the only thing he has going for him is Mark Berry’s surprisingly dedicated voice acting!)

As one wise voice that only you can hear once said, "All depends on your perspective"...

"Am I dead?" from FF7: Machinabridged ep. 4

1 | 2 | 3.1 | 3.2

Horde Prime is nothing if not accommodating.

Will the remake of FF VII affect the Jaune Strife au?

Imma be real with all y'all...

I have NEVER played a Final Fantasy, remake or otherwise. I have the chance to play the "original" on a ps1 emulator I bought a while ago (Kind of like the Ataria plug and plays).

The only "legitimate" resource I have to go off of is TFS Machinabridged and my best guess from the wikis.

So, I don't know how different the games are from each other, let alone from the movies that I never saw, either.

I'll try my best to make this crossover AU feel as in character as I can, but I can't make any promises.

I hope you're all enjoying what I've made so far.

Final Fantasy VII: Machinabridged Episode 5 Review

Originally posted on October 22nd, 2015

Cloud prepares to dress as a woman, and nobody seems to mind.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, it is likely that you’ll recall that in my review of Dragonball Z: Abridged Episode 15, I criticized Team Four Star for their handling of a character meant to represent trans and masculine women, who after having her gender revealed was subject to many demeaning jokes that sent the message of the inadequacy of women who don’t conform to traditional expectations of femininity (a critique that I still hold to).

And then, you might recall that KaiserNeko, one of the lead writers and editors for DBZA, reblogged my review of that episode, apologizing and explaining that they had mishandled the representation of women like Dodoria unintentionally, and their focus was solely on keeping the situation in character.

I bring this up now because Final Fantasy VII: Machinabridged Episode 5 does an excellent job at showing just how much Team Four Star has grown as writers since the release of DBZA Episode 15, wiping away any concerns I had about how they would handle this part of the story.

See, Final Fantasy VII contains, as an incredibly important part of its plot, a sequence where Cloud must cross-dress and pose as a woman in order to rescue Tifa, and I was worried that the over-the-top caricatures present throughout most of this series would carry over into their handling of the cross-dressing sequence, which could easily lead to harmful jokes at the expense of trans and gender-nonconforming people.

Takahata101 nails it from the very beginning though, and this happens in part due to the presence of Aerith, whose unbridled optimism and supportiveness has her leading Cloud gleefully through the transition process, where someone like Tifa or Barrett would have immediately rejected the idea.

It’s also incredibly meaningful that Cloud is the one to suggest that he cross-dress; while he makes the comment that he could do so off-handedly, it still suggests that posing as the other gender isn’t outside of his comfort zone, and the ease with which Aerith convinces him to go for it provides more evidence for this, and it is finally fully proven that Cloud desires this when he justifies cross-dressing in the terms of how much better than Tifa he would look while he saved her.

It’s also important to note the positive reactions of Giuseppe and the Church of Brodin to Cloud’s desire. Giuseppe has great dresses all around, but as soon as he realizes that it will be Cloud’s first dress, he abandons the rest of his work in order to make the best dress of his life just for him.

Similarly, the Church of Brodin are planning on forcing Cloud into a masculine challenge of strength to obtain a wig, but when they find out that he wants the wig for the sake of (in Aerith’s words) “becoming a woman,” they give it to him without the contest, claiming that it is not their place to question or challenge his lifestyle choice.

It’s interesting as well that the wig, which normally might be seen as an object denoting femininity, has been adopted by a church of ripped, masculine dudes as a symbol of their god’s masculinity, which is a fairly clever inversion of expectations.

Finally, when the members of the Church of Brodin give Cloud the wig, and Squaticles says that no one has the right to discriminate against another person’s lifestyle, Cloud says that he feels that context is needed. Now, I’m just a girl running a film criticism blog and mostly writing about abridged series, but I can’t help but wonder if, just perhaps, that’s a nod to my criticism of DBZA Episode 15. Maybe I’m being a bit presumptive here, but it would actually be pretty amazing if that were the case, as I’d have a definitive example of my writing having an effect on the world, and who doesn’t want that?

Rating: 5/5

If you enjoyed this review, consider supporting me on Patreon.

Stray Observations

I do feel I should add a brief addendum pointing out that crossdressing and being a trans or masculine woman are not the same, but the handling of gender non-conformity in this episode is still excellent.

Cloud: “Aerith, it would appear to me that Tifa has been kidnapped by a Mafia leader with the intention to give her the sex.” Aerith: “Oh no, she can’t do that ‘til she’s married!”

“Am I, the owner of my own store, sure that I have anything else besides drugs? Noooo, I’m pretty sure.”

I will only accept Machinabridged Rufus's voice as canon don't @ me

Shshdhshdhd not only did Machinabringed Rufus have the best voice, he delivered the best line in the entire series:

(in TFS’s FF7 Machinabridged Berret’s voice) “Bahamut, Bahamut Zero, Bahamut SIN, Bahamut Hearts, Bahamut Hearts 1.5 Bahamut Hearts: Chain of Memories, Bahamut Hearts 2...” Messy attempt at Sora and Kairi Bahamuts. Sora’s is based off of the Ultima Weapons in all the KH games while Kairi is based off of Oathkeeper and Destiny’s Embrace. (too lazy to draw wings)

Donnie: So they offered you coffee and you just turned them down?!

April: It was the Foot clan!

Donnie: IT WAS COFFEE!

Leo: So any update on Mikey?

Mikey: I CAN SMELL THE COSSSSSMOOOOOOS!!

Raph: Yeah no he’s still high as hell