Well getting stuck up on you a fucking year later was not the plan but here we are I guess

Wanna put your friend in a lil terrarium just to see what wacky things she does stg 😂

i actually Cannot Stress the migraine she gives me every time we hang out. like without fail she'll always say or do something that ranges from mildly questionable or irritating but relatively Whatever to How Have You Survived This Long Without Burning Your House Down Boiling An Egg

sometimes i'm like well of course i picked the fandom blorbo to shove into my psyche keystone-like i'm not exactly original

and then sometimes i'm like. wait dooku doesn't remind everyone of their grandparents to a genuinely uncomfortable degree? are you sure?

Tbh i pity fans of bands/artists that arent local like what do you mean you havent gone to 5 of your fave band's concerts this year?? what is your life like

even tho i spend a lot of time thinking 'i dont pass, ill never pass, blabla' for a lot of reasons. i also look at my hairy ass legs and stomach and the hair growing on the side of my face (finally) and i think a possibly receding hairline (i do not want this lol), and i call a friend i havent spoken with in years (from high school! one of my only super long term friends but we dont often talk) and he's like "wow your voice really has changed!" and then im like wow testosterone really testostero.

So I have this story I want to share cause sometimes and opinion from a "stranger" can be more helpful. 😅

Basically, yesterday I received a message from an ex-colleague of mine (havent seen/talked to him in over 2 years). I had shared a funny real about "manifesting a sugar daddy" this year and he reacted to it and then asked if I find one to ask him where he can find a sugar mama, and I totally jumped on his joke and replied, however, I didnt expect for any further communication but man did he keep going. He kinda started flirting to which I started hyperventilating cause I havent spoken to him in years and it was all happening so damn fast..😵‍💫 He started complimenting me and saying I have what it takes to catch a guy's attention, that I cook well and its a full package deal (I have brought pancakes and brownie at work before and he has eaten it). And it was both flatering but also confusing. As you can tell he was making a move on me and was very clear with his intention for a hook up, cause he kept saying how he wouldnt turn me down if I asked and what not.

The crazy part comes here - he asked me how long has it been for me since the last time I had sex since I told him I dont do hook ups and I kinda lied and said that its been 5 years since I have been single for this long, but the thing is I actually still have my V card at age 25 ... 🫣 I have some experience, like I have went 2nd base with my ex (no blowjob tho) but still back then I didnt feel comfortable with him to go all the way so nothing ever really happened.

Dont get me wrong, Im not ashamed of being a virgin, but I am tired of the fear of admitting it to dudes, cause society has made it to be a bad thing when its not. Anyway, you can imagine how shocked he was at that and he even asked if at least I "help myself with the stress" and obviously I do, so there is that, but despite me saying I cant do one night stands because of this moral boundary he kinda kept going on how I should try it at least so that I dont regret it later in life and mentioned he wanted to "make me an offer". To that I said he is kinda late, cause well we dont even live in the same city anymore (I moved) and I also said that we can meet up for coffee but I cant give him what he wants from me. He was respectful of it, thank god, but my brain is my own villain. I now overthink shit and feel like I made a good and bad decision at once, cause horny me really wants to have sex and mind you I have always been sexually attracted to him. I had a crush on him for a month back in 2020 which was awoken because of a sex dream I had. I think he also had a crush on me later that year cause he kinda sorta asked me out to dinner during work but I thought it was a joke and reacted to it like a fucking loser (in my defense I was also on a call with a client /call center job). So we do have history, I also think we've always had this sexual energy and frustration but neither acted on it until well yesterday.

Moral me is saying I did the right choice, cause I want my first time to be with someone special and to mean sth, not be a hook up. Horny me is mad cause I was basically offered dick on a silver plate and said no ... 😩🙃

Sorry to drop this on you Cas, but I feel so comfortable sharing this with you 😅 I guess this blog is my safety place in so many aspects. ❤️

Also, how you doing, lovely? ❤️

for starters, his approach was kinda odd straight off the bat. don’t get me wrong, i’ve had conversations with people i haven’t talked to in awhile abt random shit and joked around with memes and whatnot, but the fact that you haven’t spoken in two years and he went into this conversation asking such personal questions rubs me the wrong way completely.

compliments are great, sometimes you cant go wrong with them and they do make you feel great, but the fact he was complimenting you just for a potential hookup is where it gets gross. there was…. no need, whatsoever. it shocks me how he was moving the conversation so fast lmao.

him asking abt the last time you’ve had sex is so…. eh. ew. sorry. it is. like, he doesn’t need to know this!!! at all!!! and it’s completely ok to be a virgin at whatever age. society shouldn’t shame people who are, it’s so silly. it has nothing to do with them. you shouldn’t be afraid of admitting it either, but of course that’s easier said than done. but trust me when i say that people (men, in your case) actually don’t give a shit abt whether you’re a virgin or not. you may think they do due to how society treats it, but they do not care. before i lost my virginity and was talking to this guy i liked, i had to admit that i was a virgin because i was scared of our relationship going further and that he might expect something from me. and he just looked at me like 🤨 and went “that’s ok? idc, it doesn’t bother me”. they don’t care! i promise! and if they do, they can go fuck themselves

“help yourself with the stress” what are these questions he’s asking😐 im so baffled rn. truly. this is unbelievable. and hold on….. tf does he mean abt “you might regret it later in life”??? what??? not experiencing a one-night stand??? tf??? why would he think you might regret something like that when you’ve made it perfectly clear you’re not into stuff like that🤨 crazy fucking behaviour.

personally, i think you made a good decision. because even though that turned on, horny side of you is wanting to have sex, that’s not exactly the real you, yk? you, normally, just wants to wait for that special someone that you connect with and that’s completely ok. you can wait for as long as you please. you control it. nobody else, please remember that.

and don’t feel sorry abt dropping this on me. i’m happy i can be some sort of safe space. you, and anyone else who is comfortable, can always come to me and vent/rant. i truly don’t mind. i’m all ears🖤

and i’m ok!!! i’ve been in my head recently and overthinking my own stuff and putting myself in bad moods but that’s my fault completely😭 i’m hoping that this new therapist i’m getting will be of help because when i get comfortable, they’re gonna hear some shit😭😭

So sleepy tired so snoozy honk shoo time but thinking of ppl whos lives r forever gonna b entangled in mine even tho we barely even make eye contact when we see each other anymore, or if we havent heard from the other in years, or if we can only ever have about 4 message long "catch up" text conversations every 6 months or so, or if we make plans weeks in advance that we both end up forgetting, and slowly drift apart. But like. Still these r ppl that r just fuckin parts of me now. The person i sat with at the local park after both recently figuring out gender and picking out names for each other, and how we havent spoken in like 2 years but their name is still the same one i suggested, and how i do use a different name now that they knew me by, but i still walk by the bridge going over the train tracks and think of them, and think of them everytime i walk into a corner store with a whole aisle of energy drinks, or think of them everytime i pass the laundromat, or think of them everytime i go up the street that shared their name or go the street they lived on that shared mine. And like. Or like, the person i fuckin grew up alongside, to only drift apart after about a decade of being joint at the hip, but still waving when we see each other in the park, asking how each others pets are, and making general small talk. And how i see her in every friend i make, just in small ways, because she was my first friend and its almost like i just find people who remind me of her. Or how theres an entire kind of flower that just always makes me smile because its her name, even if she never liked them all too much. Or the ppl who r constantly coming in and out of my life, and who we both know can never be what we were before, because everything was seemingly so perfect and now we can barely stay friends instead of acquaintances for more than a month, but summer golden hour always feels like them, even if i was the only one who loved it. And just. Idk man. People who r like. Definitely gone now. But also r just. Not. If i was more poetic, i could write smth abt this. But instead i can just say like. Shit man. Nostalgias a bitch but also its like. Its who We are bc like w/o nostalgia who tf am i. I miss the past bc its a part of me but id never go back because then id be someone else and i like being me even if i suck sometimes. If i didnt suck those ppl may not have been as impactful n shit. Ok. Rlly gotta sleep. Bc im seeing a friend tmrw if she pulls thru w plans. I doubt they will tho bc they r the least reliable in that way butttt. Whatever. Either way tmrw im gonnaaaaa fuckingggg chill dudeee. Gnight

floor im typing at the speed of light here between classes but lemme tell you last year I was followed by a mutual in law who straight up had a whole svss ship tag and when I realized I blocked them but a mutual was still reblogging from them so I ended up sbing THAT person even tho I probably could have reached out but we had never spoken before so it felt awkward and it was driving me up a wall to see this person around I'd be like wtf what's wrong with you anyway turns out the svss person hadn't even read the book and just thought the ship art was nice so. scream. put me through a lot of grief for nothing. but I still have them blocked because for a while seeing theur url pissed me off so bad. and like who makes a ship tag for an mxtx work without actually knowing what goes on between the characters. who makes a ship tag period without knowing the characters. who does that. I wouldn't say I hate them but ugh. also that bitch winepresswrath for reblogging jc/ljy smut and saying that some forms of incest don't matter or something? hate them gotta go bye

I should clarify that that user was into mdzs/tgcf so like. they knew the kind of stuff that's in those books even if they hadn't read svss. and the ship art was for the main couple not the side guys

i................ holy shit sdfhdsj i really dont get people who post about ships or read fanfiction when they havent even read/watched the source material it's INSANE to me. that said i did read fanfiction for something i hadn't watched ONCE but it was recommended to me by a friend who said the fic in question felt more like a novel because it was an AU and so far removed from the source material. i ended up watching the source material like a month later anyways lol but like...... to do that completely uncritically and post about it on your tumblr???? knowing the kind of shit mxtx is capable of writing? girl.

also did not know about that other person, blocked them immediately ewww

ive been having a lot of thoughts recently...

i had this group of friends from middle school to end of freshman year. we had a falling out at the end of freshmen year and i havent really spoken with them since, aside from a few months the following year, and theres one i really want to reach out to. they never did anything personal to hurt me, and while i do remember not getting along with them a couple of times, they only seemingly stopped being my friend along when everyone else did. there was one that i did reach out to, but they never responded. i do wish they and i were still friends, and i acknowledge i wasnt the best friend to them, but i recognize that there may have been things i may not remember that i did to harm them in some way. or maybe they were on the fence and just left when everyone else did. (this is a different person than the first paragraph) im fine with them not responding, i just...wish things had been different i suppose

i dont want to reach out to the second one again because i dont want to bother them (tho i did send it i think 3 years ago now so maybe they feel a little different? not gonna take that chance tho.) I kinda want to reach out to the first one because when i reconnected with them for a time the next year, they actually really welcomed me back. even tho it didnt last, im thankful for that.

i had these two people in particular blocked for some time. the first one i just unblocked a few days ago, and the other one i unblocked when i sent them the message. there are a few others in that group i wont unblock, but this isnt about them.

i also randomly developed a crush on one of my online friends i met thru some irl friends, but thats since faded (thankfully.)

course now im worried one of them will find this and share it to them but this is the first time ive gone in depth anywhere online about it, and its tumblr so really is the one person whos on here going to find this post? probably not.

i feel that i may be very paranoid and i think they think of me as often as i think of them, which when it all went down was constant, but has since shifted to like a week every 6 months where i really want to reconcile with these two people.

plus most of this happened almost 6 years ago so like idk. hopefully none of them will find it, and if they somehow do...god i hope theyre nice.

Random recent thoughts + Storytime

I think im obsessed with ceaser salad even tho we havent spoken since that one time. Ive seen him around college soooo often (somtimes even multiple times in a day) but i havent spoken to him and he hasnt spoken to me. Ive honestly been avoiding him. But there was this one time, when i was waiting for my friend who was talking to some people she knew, when he came up to talk to those same people and we made eye contact. It was honestly so intense so i just looked awayb quickly, it was honestly just very "strong"(?). Like i honestly dont know how to decribe it, it was the first time hed looked into my eyes since that one time and it was ok.. a lot. Ive been actively avoiding him since (but also lowkey seeking his attention lol?). Im pretty sure he has this asian girlfriend but im not so sure. I saw him today tho, i totally forgot that he has a diamond pirecing in his one ear (i think its his left ear?). honestly hes not typically my type at all but he just gets more handsome every time i see him, and something inside of me just hurts. I almost wish id just taken the bus that day, instead of walking side-by-side with him. I just need to stop being obssesed. Its not healthy but i do wonder if he found me beautiful that first time we met, and if he still does. I can bet so much money that hes not into black girls tho.

Im really scared of failing. Failing exams, failing my potential, failing myself. I need to do well on these CAPs but i ahvent even started seriously studying for them and theyre a little over a week away. I dont want to let myself down but i just dont know what to do.

STORYTIME:

Ahhh ive totally forgotten to tell you this, but a few weeks ago (maybe 2) this drunk man hit on me while I was walking back from the library with my friend after "studying" (I wasnt productive). He started off the interaction by singing "my love life is so boring" while holding two green bottles of alcohol (not sure if thats something he made up or if its an acual song) to which I replied with "same" (in a singsong manner because duuuh). He asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him "no" and he then went on to say that he could be my boyfriend. I just laughed a little and told him I was 17 but he quickly interjected and said "Im 19, its only a 2 year difference" (this man looked 20-21). He touched my back, twice. And idk.. the physical touching was kind of nice but obvously he was a stranger. I think im honestly just touch starved. Anyway continuing on with the story. I think he asked where I was going because I told him I was going home. The last thing I remember happening was him asking if he could come with me, me saying no, and then being dragged away by my friend. So theres that. Another cute little main character moment.

ps. my hisotory teacher wrote that my research notes were "fantastic!!"

All my love, until next time!

5/26/2023

Pics look like shit today especially the legs but i dont care. I feel like hell cause im tryna move on from my ex by being physically intimate with someone but i feel physically ill about it. I feel like im doing something morally incorrect even tho im not. This isnt even like a technicality case im not doing anything wrong n i havent spoken to my ex in years. I dont wanna bd intimate with them but its the only thing me and my best friend can think that i havent tried. We aren’t hooking up for another couple weeks but even the thought of it makes me feel gross. Ive gotta try something though cause I’m on the verge on just killing myself and getting it over with. Last night my mom sent me a Facebook memory of me and my ex and it actually ripped my gut open. I can’t believe i can be so affected by anyone. I wish i could talk to her.

nonono it wasnt ur fault niya at all dont think that. HE was the 22 year old scumbag who decided to go after someone 5 years yougner than him. the pandemic was hard on everybody, idk one person that wasn;t mentally affected by it even in a small way and the fact he decided to get you at a vulnerable moment is disgusting. you were manipulated and its not your fault at all. dont think that its making me sad

that guy is old enough to know what he was doing. even if it wasnt for the pandemic, what 22 year old wants to talk to a 17 year old?! even if they want to be friends, what do YOU as a grown man have in common with a 17 year old TEEN.

im just happy you didn't sleep with him honestly you did the right thing. may i ask what happened exactly? if you dont want to get into detail thats fine.

stop ur gna make me cry 😭😭😭😭and yh the pandemic was so depressing like just thinking abt it rn is gna make me sad

and idm talking abt it im not gonna go into vague detail tho cuz i barely remember stuff from 2020 but when we first met he was just like coming onto me really strong i could tell. like he was touching my shoulders a lot and playing with my hair (which i hated bc im not a fucking animal) but he would like compliment me all the time which i liked because i rarely got compliments. that was before i got close to him

so when we got closer he was more touchy like whenever he scooted past me to get things he would make sure he was always touching my waist or something, he would always lean down to whisper stuff in my ear and then he would always hug me goodbye after my shift

then he invited me to his house and i accepted, why ? i dont know but i went and then we kissed but i chickened out before things could we could have sex because i was intimated sorta but i told him that i was a virgin and wasn't ready to lose it yet and he said it was okay which is shocking me today because most men are virgin hunters nowadays

but im glad he left it alone but after that night i guess he ghosted me because i havent spoken to him since then

and we didnt return back to work anyway so i never saw him again because they never called us back in so i guess we all got fired so yay happy ending 😁

had a nightmare where i had a bf i never broke up with at the end of high school who proceeded to act like he had claim over me despite us not having spoken in years bc “we never broke up” and im like. wtf. i dont even know when ur bday is. we havent spoken in four years. my friend “set us up” and u just atarted calling me ur gf despite us never going out. we’ve never even kissed.

bitch avoided the subject tho of whether he’d seen other girls 🙄 even in my dreams im doomed to shitty relationships w shitty men

ON THAT TOPIC literally joe exists for that dlc so we can have happy fun times st/reet f/ighter content in res gme, his storyline makes no gd sense bc, on one hand i being from a mixed race family, i did go three years not speaking to them at all. the italian/japanese side of my fam refuse to awknowledge me bc im part hispanic, i havent spoken to them since 2004, i wasnt even 10 years old when they stopped talking to me and i still understood why bc its the same reason my japanese grandmother tried to kill me— the hispanic side, tho, even tho they wont talk to you for years, rheybstill expect shit sent to them every year even as they tell you how shitty and horrible you are and to never be gay or you’ll be disowned (lol too late)

so on one hand, id understand it if they hated each other, but like??? joe loved his fucking niece (idk abt lucas he didnt mention him or margurite at all.. in fact joe only gave a fuck abt zoe fiven he was all too willing to murdwr what was left of jack) but he lived. next. door. yeah they had a whole ass swamp between them but like??? he could BOAT to their house??? bitch ely didnt speak to the family he apparently loved in THREE YEARS, had all these articles and shit pointing out suspicious shit (tbf i dont rhink he read any of them… i dont think he reads anything he didnt write himself) those mold monsters werent spreading yet, i dont fucking lnow, i guess eveline somehow kept it from spreading that far out (i find it doubtful that she would have mia trick ethan into coming out to have a new dad, but not trick joe into showing up for a new uncle tbh) like???

but also, he was the LITERAL PLAYER CHAR in EoZ, and then??? when shes transferred to new orleans he??? just stopped existing???? theres no mention of him???? I HAVE QUESTIONS

beyond hilarity what the fuck even was that dlc its so funny but it makes no sense lMAO

i am having the best birthday in my recent memory and it's nice actually