#so help me god im a fucking mess
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Well getting stuck up on you a fucking year later was not the plan but here we are I guess
#am i childish for this#is this childish#sometimes i miss them#even tho we havent spoken in a year#IS THAT CHILDISH ????#so help me god im a fucking mess#dude like why do i hang on to people that cut me outta my life why whY#and then expect them to just out of the fuckin blue come back in contact#even tho#i reiterate#it has been over a year#since they talked to me#and like#i rarely think of them anymore#sometimes my brain is like o do u remember [insert name here] u miss them right dont u miss them#and I'm like#excuse me maaaaam but uhhh it has been a year and a half atp and alsooo they kinda abandoned me and broke my heart even tho i swear they#said they would never do that but so has like 90% of the people i met who ' promised ' they wouldnt leave and then up and left#2 months later#n im just like#okay okay i get it bro. its not a big deal. dont worry about it. its cool#and then i cry for like. 2 hours#i feel things far too fucking deeply i know 😔 its the autism and tbe#the fact that i find it so f u c k i n g bard#hard#to let people go#so#yeah
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they are so fucking obsessed and in love with each other im gonna throw up
#no im serious this short story was like an autopsy on my mind body and soul i was cut open i was gutted i was taken apart piece by piece#and then i was put back together again and now here i am so#god. im just#i was thinking abt this all day i was thinking abt this nonstop i was barely focused on anything else . i am so gone#the snow for christmas sickness#new sfc tag#bc this shit fucked me up just like i knew it would#i am a mess 😭😭😭😭😭#scattered showers spoilers#snow for christmas spoilers#snowbaz#simon snow#baz pitch#please send psychological help
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#got a cardio appt in the morning that's too early to sleep before and too late not to fuck up my schedule so that's going to be fun#and im worried about it#I'm only mildly worried about there being something wrong#but i am worried about getting on the 'furher testing' railroad because i have NO spare energy for more medical shit right now#im dealing with like 3 other specialists right now AND therapy and I don't have a car#and also i just can't do more than 2 appts a month AND deal with prescription bullshit and the inevitable clinic fuckups#just that much messes me up#i do not need more#god help me if something IS wrong because I absolutely do not have the spoons or the ability to deal with interventions#or god save me '''''lifestyle changes'''''' which they offer NO material support for but for which I need material support#ugh#i want to get this checked out but it had better be nothing just like last time#im also having one of those evenings where my hands are so unsteady i can't do fine work at all#but at least i got myself into the studio for a while even if i wound up doing something else
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EVIILLL (i love that) BUT do they still make out WAYYYY longer then needed even if they're broken up?
oh, Certainly, darling. ;)
here’s the reference post for context.
and actually, that whole music video scene/side plot lives so rent free in my head, that i…started writing it out as a little mini para? i just miss writing stuff and wanted to do something fun and dramatic and spicy with legit crazy amounts of emotional/sexual tension in it.
because…oooough my god, i just know jersey was annoying and extra as FUCK that whole time. which, while diabolical, is also a very bold move bc stan was not speaking to him, like, At All and had no intentions to but kyle, conversely was extremely desperate speak to him so…he saw his opportunity and he took it, baby!
my man was Working! It! every angle, throwing his head back, his jawline could cut glass, his hair was so luxurious i bet it smelled so good, his like billowy tunic thing was falling over his shoulder, which has so many freckles on it…all while he was winking and waving his pretty long ass fingers at stan, smiling evilly.
— and when kyle does the things he did to him as raven back to him, it’s so funny to me because stan had to be blackout drunk and try really hard to exert that level of sex appeal as the biggest boyfailure on planet earth, but jersey quite literally is just That Bitch, does not need to try at all, can do it ten times better and it’s one hundred times more effective on ravenstan —
who is probably in hair in makeup, gripping the table so hard, trying to be unbothered when he’s SO bothered, hot and otherwise, shaking so much the hair and makeup team are like “you need to stay still.”
like stay still???? STAY STILL??? bitch! could you stay still if literally your ex super best boyfriend and the hottest person on planet earth is trying to eye!fuck! you! during the shoot for YOUR MUSIC VIDEO??? which i know that was extra stressful bc it was stan’s music video so it was his concept so he designed his own hell and built it around kyle and wanting to see kyle do it, so he literally played himself, rip bestie.
a mess…a MEEESSS.
and after all that happens which, whEw! a lot was happening, it was Very Ungentlemanly And Depraved, there were a lot of hands…in places that polite young man’s hands should not be…but when they pulled off i Swear kyle was smirking lookin sooo smug and satisfied, absolutely shameless, abt to try and go in for another one like literally tucking stan’s hair behind his ear, like skating his nail down his jaw line slowly and stan was SEETHING. i mean mad mad MAD!!! and stan never gets mad. like he stormed the hell out of there slammed the door And Everything before screaming into his hands.
free ravenstan, stop the violence jersey!!! you know my man is a pacifist and can’t fight back. :/
p.s. pls note that ravenstan looks like a slutty punk rock crimson dawn virgin sacrifice version of victor van dort in corpse bride but like more red than blue bc of raven stans angst divorce hair…do we…do we see the vision? there’s a vision and in it stan looks extremely pretty, wide eyed, easily corrupted & biteable. <3
#oh my god literally this entire thing is a mess#like the fact that ravenstan probably had an extremely vivid sexually charged dream about this#was like hm what if i make it a music video and pretend like its beautiful artistry when i really just want to see kyle#dressed like a sexy sexy vampire and do bad things to me#LKHDLKHSHSLSKHS JAIIIILLLLL#but like then takes literally the fattest l on planet earth bc he literally built his own hell like he fucked up so badly#he did not think kyle was gonna show he thought he was gonna cancel like literally stan wanted to call in sick but its HIS MV???#and jimmy and kenny are like are you okay can you do this and hes like duh yeah ofc im a professional i dont even car--#literally walks into jERSEY and who just winks and says Watch Where Ya Flyin’ Angel ;) HDSLKS HE WANTED TO DIEEE#AAAA WATCH WHERE UR FLYING ANGEL IS SOOO SICK OF HIM LIKE I AM IN SHOCK I WOULD FALL TO MY KNEES#LIKE KYLE PLEASE STOP RIZZING HIM HES SO WEAK HE WAS BREATHING SO HEAVILY JIMMY WAS PATTING HIM ON THE BACK#WITH HIS CRUTCH LIKE THERE THERE BUDDY KSHDLKDS#amazing i...am gonna write it i want to laugh and cry#jersey kyle is too good at this like hes so powerful#they looked good i know they looked good anyways do we see the vision are we obsessed i want the copy of the mv#but like the xxx directors cut where stan and kyle makeout for like several minutes and knock everything over#thank you for coming to my ted talk#also i wrote this ask meme bc i was just talking to rp about it and i literally got so unhinged help akshdlksad
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one more thing thats been rotating around my head:
my school anime club hosts an anime con in the spring and i am genuinely so excited bc club members are staff amnd we are hsoting it! and i can host a panel!!!
#itd be my first anime con]#and also why part of the reason im trying to homemake a cosplay so i can have a cool one to wear#so many panel ideas are running around my head#i wanna make it bsd themed but im unsure how popular that would be#so i was thinking since im planning to go in dead apple fyodor cosplay#fyodor has that one line i really love “welcome to happy group counseling hour!! Im your host-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky”#and it sounds like hes introducing a game show (im not gonna force the panel goers into a counseling hour sobs dwdw)#SO my idea was anime themed game show w/ good prizes corresponding to the animes i picked the questions from#like itd INCLUDE bsd but it wouldnt be only about bsd is what im saying#therefor making it more appealing to the general con goers!!!#god its in may and im beginning to prepare for it now help me#of course i have a fuck ton of time to prepare but ive always liked to have my details in check long before the actual thing happens#i feel sorry for you and am deeply thankful if you read through my mess of thoughts#ily! /p :D#actually goodnight now its like 1:30am and id prefer to sleep earlier than i did last night <3#sodaramblestoomuch
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what is my family going to do about the dishes when i move out. like this is insane.
#purrs#i understand that because im not contributing as much financially to the house + am not home most of the day doing dishes every night is a#fair reasonable way to expect me to contribute. but also i come home every day fucking exhausted and basically have to clean an entire day’s#worth of dishes (not allowed to leave them out to dry either i have to both wash and dry) for 5 people + put away all the food and#appliances + wipe down all the counters. like i clean up 5 peoples mess completely by myself. and it’s a lot and i constantly go to bed at#lkke 1:30-2am or later because im stuck doing dishes. my mom and siblings cook but they almost always do it together so it’s 3 ppl and then#i do this by myself and sometimes my dad helps me but he’s working all the time and all of his money is going to all of us so it’s fair that#he doesn’t have to help but. god. i have to be at work at 9 every day it’s not enough sleep and i am constantly late and so so so tired.#its 1:19am and i still have 2 sink fuls of dishes to do at least + have to put away all the food etc and it’s 1:19am. my body is screaming#at me to sleep but i am not allowed to leave it less than spotless. awesome#delete later#anyways yeah what i was saying initially is like.. what are they going to do when i move out and they can’t just leave the mess to me at the#end of the night. someone’s gonna have to stay up just as late to clean it all. lol#it takes me at least an hour every night to do all of this
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4 + 5 + 8 + 40 + 34 and I) G) F) for Cyrus Becker my beloved 🧡
afternoon idle!! oh my god questions galore *cracks knuckles* cyrus get your ass over here youre up
4. How easy is it to earn their trust?
Very difficult, and at the same time easier than youd think. he definitely doesnt entertain everybody, but hes not unreasonable. hell hear you out if you give him enough reason to (or if he thinks its beneficial to get to know you. do you see why he gets attached to people hes supposed to be manipulating so often). ortega and mortum required him to establish a relationship, which is how they got so close to eachother so quickly. herald got by because cyrus thought hed be a useful contact in the rangers. chen couldve earned his trust a long time ago, they had to work with eachother a lot back when he still ran with the rangers, but chen squandered it on his suspicions and its been too long for cyrus to have any interest in patching up their relationship. argent has largely flown under his radar, she hasnt piqued his interest more than the passing curiosity of why she wanted the regenerator.
5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?
the default is mistrust. sorry yall, hes not taking any more chances than necessary. hes a telepath, he knows all too well what secrets other people hide, and hes not interested in giving people a chance to prove his suspicions wrong. but after hes grown to trust somebody? its... embarrassing how difficult it is to lose it. even though his trust is much shakier nowadays, you still need to have fucked up Majorly to get him back to mistrusting you. if you somehow manage to do that,,, uhhhh. what do you want on your tombstone? (ig its technically its possible to not die and even earn that trust back??? ortega managed, but thats ortega and hes statistically more likely to kill you or ruin your life. depends on how badly you fucked up. id say theres a good 5% chance youll survive the experience without the need for intense psychotherapy)
8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child
listen. follow orders. be exactly who we need you to be. cyrus was a deeply rebellious regene, but he wasnt stupid about it. hed go against the mission in secret, and just enough that nobody wouldve been able to trace any problems back to him. that doesnt mean he was never caught, but he was too competent of a regene to be scrapped, which saved him multiple times before. those few times did cause handlers to keep a closer eye on him though, just in case. handlers would usually keep a harder grip on cyrus, hold him to stricter standards. it contributed a lot to his own self talk. SPEAKING OF WHICH:
40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?
you must imagine me holding him and looking lovingly into his eyes while i dump a gallon of insecurity and perfectionism on him. hes a proud man, he thinks hes better than what other people are capable of, but that arguably makes things worse when he does make a mistake. he of all people shouldnt be like this. add the puppetmaster scar on him and its a hefty load of 'i need to make sure every single step of my plan goes exactly right Or Else." the worst thing about him is that a lot of the petty flaws he thinks apply to him arent correct. AND HE CANT EVEN NAME HIS ACTUAL FLAWS. cyrus you are so smart and walking around with zero self awareness, its the best. please consider stepping into acid.
34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?
hohohohoho. well. the first step is to get him to feel guilty in the first place. traditionally immoral actions arent going to get to him, obviously. the thing that springs up guilt for him most often is themmys death. he has. a Lot of survivors guilt about that. especially because hes convinced himself he couldve done something and *gestures to the ask above*. guilt will haunt him for life if it doesnt get resolved in a healthy way, but hes gotten good at burying his emotions a long time ago. even when he feels like that, he reserves a specific time to think about it, otherwise itll impede on his plans in the long run. that designated time is. usually when hes supposed to be sleeping. his sleep schedule is just a little bit messed.
I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?
oh dude i Love putting cyrus in aus. its so fun to poke him with a stick and see what happens. the first one i put him in was a band au, it helped me figure out how he would interact with herald. basically cyrus was a masked guitarist (for backstory reasons) for a band daniel happened to be a fan of, except the two of them managed to meet at just regular old work, with cyrus not realizing daniel was a fan and daniel not realizing cyrus was from one of his favourite bands. it led to fun, mlb-esque shenanigans between the two lmfao. the second one i put him in was the becker siblings au, which i still have thoughts and emotionsTM about. that au let me indulge in the 'cyrus is an older sibling' headcanon and i will forever be in debt to it for the amount of protective cyrus i got. third and current au im obsessing over is a 'cyrus survives hb' scenario, where ortega managed to stop him before he jumped out the window. i am getting! so much ortega x cyrus content out of that au! and so much survivors guilt cyrus. cyrus 'using' ortega to forget about heartbreak my beloveddddd. he also says 'i love you' to ortega in this au and canon ortega is SO jealous. also x2, hes an alcohol vice step in this au. heartbreak hit hard and the tequila hits different.
aaaand i still like his canon version better. its just so very much him. out of every step ive got, hes the one i get to stay closest to how i envision based on the choices the game offers. plus he caught me completely by surprise suckerpunching me with an obsession over him and i cant Not respect that.
G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?
not sure whether this means on a character creation level or as a person, but ill answer for 'as a person' because im overall pretty satisfied with how he turned out! but like. god what is there to not be bothered about. my manipulative little shit of a son. ig the trait that frustrates me the most is his self destructive tendencies. like. Sir. are you at all aware of the fact that people care for you and want you safe? and that you can respond to that concern with something other than "i can use this", "sucks to be them", or, "no theyre not"? sir. sir answer the question. hes so empathetic and also literally a telepath but somehow cant compute genuine concern at him. as frustrating as it is though, i cannot deny that it is deeply funny to watch him fumble so badly.
F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?
normal. the ones where people look at me and think "wow, that is a person who is having (a) regular thought(s) about their character! very cool!" you will never see a person who is more normal about their guy than i am (i am grabbing him by the teeth and shaking him like a dog with a very strong kill instinct).
truly though, thinking of him gets me buzzing. hes like a puzzle, i keep breaking him apart and putting him back together again to see how everything works. i have this thing where ill often think about showing character analysis to the characters themeselves, just to see how they would react, and i undeniably do this the most with cyrus. i want to explain step by step (hah) why he is the way that he is now, like the whole timeline is plotted inside my head and its so!!!!! i am!!!!! chewing on him!!!!!
questions from here!
#herald is a lucky bastard#he messed up twice in a row (asking cyrus about his sidestep days+picking him up without consent) but asking for help training saved him#cyrus was straight up being sadistic about it he just wanted to fw herald after those two times and saw training as an opportunity#it wasnt supposed to lead somewhere#anathema vision wouldve fucked him and his guilty ass Up. good thing cyrus is a bastard and abandoned argentine before they crashed 🫶#and because i have an excuse to talk about them again heres some things that ive been thinking about lately:#1. it is So fucking funny to me that all three of them are trans afabs in some way#scientists at the farm in charge of the becker sibling batch: wow look at these three new girl regenes!#cyrus (trans man)/fawn (nb)/river (trans man): . well-#2. brother-madds buckley. just the whole thing. im going to start screaming and punching the floor here#3. WHO WAS THE HG SIBLING THE ORTEGAS SAW IN THE PHOTO. was it just somebody that looked enough like the three to assume it was a sibling#or did it happen to look exactly like one of the siblings. or did they find three photos with siblings that looked like each? I NEED ANSWER#cyrus' is very emotionally intelligent towards everybody but himself#when it comes to himself hes wearing a blindfold and earplugs and pretending nothings wrong#the whole time i was answering that last ask i was thinking about my post talking about how many posts of his were in my queue#god bless that man he never leaves my brain#thank you again for the ask idle :DD#cyrus becker#sidestep#fhr#pulp answers#ask game
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comic planning/roughs on the clock at work 👍 ok. this one's still a few posts out though
#god i really do just need to get a tablet or. something#some way to draw digitally on the go bc my laptop is um#at least 200% less portable than your typical old clunky laptop. its a whole ordeal#and as u can see tradish scribbles are barely usable#though i guess it would help if i ever remembered to grab something besides a shite pen at work lmao <-hates pen forever#mad bc i think this one is kind of mid+redundant for what i'd intended it to do bc of how some of the previous ones shifted#but i still gotta draw it bc one of the later ones uses it. buh#when i said these werent chronological or connected btw i lied#though only VERY VERY LOOSELY so. enough to bother *me* if i don't do them in order#but not enough that's really going to be noticeable to anyone else. they're each still intended 99% as standalone.#the arc is very minor but its there. for me. for anyone else it probably just amounts to a couple easter egg references/ consistencies#by the by the pizzaposts before this arent part of the series.#one small quickie thing and one i would...really like to get done sooner rather than later bc i need it out of my system#former's like 70% sketched im just waffling on execution#latter is uh...theres a lot there but it's harder to work on And harder tell how close to done it is.#unrelated its funny how i Always forget brick until i start putting anything down and then its like oh god yeah i can do bg Jokes with him#funny in the sense that one of my webcomic protag oc's is a...spatially similar deal as him [little kid with a big bear companion]#and i ALWAYS forget the bear when im scripting it. until i start messing with the layout and its like fuck theres a bear.#i have to do things with this now. fortunately thus far it hasn't been too hard to adapt#much rambling tonight goodbye. i haev to go block all these damn bots
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‼️‼️ tw for suicidal ideation + vent in tags
#holy fuck my life is going well why am i suicidal again#like i just. wow! i want to die!#im just overcome with this horrible depression and i have no energy for anything#i feel so cold and i cant get warm#i dont even know what to do about it because everyone i trust is so far away from me#like should i try and see my therapist again? would it help?#i just hate talking to her because i have this weird need to be polite and not bother anyone with my bullshit#shes so nice but i just. have this weird brain i guess#the worst part is that the dumbest fucking thing tipped me over today too#and i have physics homework to finish. and a math test coming up that will make or break my grade.#and i just have *no energy* for anything. like im physically active and i eat well and fucking doing everything right but for some reason i.#just cant seem to work properly.#god what is wrong with me i hate everything about this situation and myself#i just dont wanna be alive any more fucking please#like im not gonna do it but damn. if not for my partner id probably go drown myself or something right now#sorry this is so depressing and long winded im such a mess#vent#delete later
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🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯
#i gotta plan and make to do lists so fucking hard ive only got two months#im getting so excited about studying?! 😭#i think now that finals are close enough i can see the path clear#its like that rumi quote the closer im to things the better i see how far im from them or something#i think i messed up second internals and i do not want to be casual anymore#i do not have time to be sad about if im getting involved in petty hostel shenanigans i want to study#idc if i end up scoring less that the girl who only studies night before and end up scoring more than everyone somehow im doing this for my#future#please god help me be focused and motivated please#im glad i skipped classes to spend these 9 days at home even if i can't go home for another four months and have to cry my brains out#ig ill be okay#ive lost all my hobbies and interests and all i can think about rn is jobs and internships so i think thats what i can do#study#if not the best at least consistent#okay maybe ill listen to ttpd#but STUDDDYYYYYY
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Blood drooling from my mouth I neeeeeeeeed to get back into making music i neeeed to i do i need to. I fucking. Foaming at the mouth frothing at the mouth i haven't played an instrument in so long.
#jay talkin#ok so see the situation is i am not good at any instrument but i play guitar and bass (and keyboard sometimes) and drums#i have issues with my arm that on top of affecting my ability to draw also severelly impact my ability to play#and i also live with people one of whom works in the room directly below me so im so paranoid about making noise#i cant be loud i cant be disruptive but jesus christ i need to play more often#im not going to get GOOD if i dont PLAY#yeah id have to fix my bass and ahit but. UGH I JUST WANT TO PLAY#WHATS THE POINT OF OWNING AN ELECTRIC GUITAR AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND AN ELECTROACOUSTIC BASS IF NOT TO PLAY THEM#i did have an electric drumkit and my dads old 80's synth but ppl all but stole them back away from me so lol. lmao#whatever. i still have my guitars. even if ppl do take them sometimes#ugh really what i need to do is figure out if i can route my guitars through my pc rather than an amp so i can record and mess w that in fl#god. fucking biting my own arms off i wish i lived elsewhere#for more reasons than just the freedom to make music and have ppl not take my shit. but yknow. itd also help that#everybody prayer circle for jay transitioning and moving out in under thirty more years ok. its a longshot but heres hoping#anyway. music. its good. i want to make dramatic weird goth metal.
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I actually had the worst day I’ve had in awhile now but i survived it
#barely#im learning to lean on the people that care about me#i even cried on my mom tonight and i hate crying in front of people 😭😭#and it’s always been hard for me in general to talk to my mom especially but I’m learning to trust her and grow from our past#all that cheese and mushy shiz yeah yeah#work was insane tn and i was not prepared at all#i almost had a meltdown too but i kept it together and that’s when I called my co worker and she saved my ass#and my other coworker was trying to help me too that was off and was literally gonna leave her house to help me 🥺🥺🥺#it was just so bad fr#and my hours switching has been a twist for me too which happened to be a factor of today#but I made shit work but it still also was a mess at the same time lmao#it was a crazy ass day and I’m just glad it’s over now#a lot of good things happened today but the bad was bad#im just glad I didn’t hold in my feelings and was also not too prideful to ask for help#im drinkin my wine and hittin my pen bc fuck the cold I’ll just be a vape god for now#that was kinda cringe but I’m drunk so don’t take me seriously besides the parts of this that are my feelings 🤣#also got a card from one of my coworkers and my boss with a Starbucks gift card 🫶🏼 I was so surprised#that mfer wrote ‘crazy lady’ on the envelope 🙃🙃🤣🤣#funniest guy I know right there lmao#we have too much fun and he only works like once a week bc he’s like 40 or 50 something with a million different jobs bc he’s the crazy one#today was a roller coaster basically 🤣🤣 but i did the shit and somehow managed to keep shit together#im just ready for the holidays to be over so work can not be super busy anymore#but i am excited for the holidays it’s gonna be amazing i think 🫶🏼 not gonna be hung up on fake love this time and will be able to enjoy it#fully#for the first time in too long#last Christmas was so bad it makes me sick thinking about it#fuck that guy so much#just realizing this was amazing wow#so hype to have a clear and free mind this holiday without our ‘relationship’ looming over me#proud of me for multiple things rn 🥹
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Does Jiro has ghost like abilities (possession, ability to levitate things, etc etc) or does she just live in Shiro's head?
when i created this au, i thought the best option would be for her to be unable to interact with the physical world in any way(including possesion), beacuse i really wanted to lean into her isolation and how it affects her....... and while thats something i still want to emphasise here, lately ive been toying with the idea of jiro being able to impact the physical world somehow(though it still being fairly limited). i think letting her have some control could have a lot of potential! buuuut i also have no idea what abilities i want her to have lol
For now i think im not gonna give her any telekinetic abilities, bc i feel like it would be giving her too much power......... if she could throw shit, shed go APESHIT with it. it would made things too easy for her. i'm sorry babygirl but i'm NOT giving you the possibilty to throw knives and other sharp objects, i dont trust you to not kill someone:/
i really like the idea of her being able to temporarily posses her old body in certain circumstances tho- maybe when shiros uncouncious?? or like when hes is very tired or heavily injured she can kind of 'squeeze through' and take control back for a few minutes???? idk. i think this could be a very cool ability to give her- it cant be frequently used but can also be very helpful, and also theres so much potential for ✨shenanigans✨here>:) oh god i could put these fuckers in so many Situations with this..........
uhhh. so basically i think all of her influence on the physical world are through shiro. shes here bc of her connection to her old body, and thus its the only way for her to interact with anyone besides him- and shes NOT HAPPY about this(neither is shiro).
#ask#thank you for this ask!! it made me think more in depth about jiros abilities and come up with this so thanks<33333#if you have any ideas pls share them with me cause im still not really 100% set on everything lol#also im making a new tag for this au ->#two distasters au#bc. theres two of them.. and theyre both Mentally Unwell#also im gonna use this ask as an excuse to ramble about jiros motivation and character a bit-#okay. so i feel like the most importrant things about jiro are her tunnel vision and self-rightiousness#she gets really focused on one thing at a time and then fixates on it so much that she doesnt see how her behavior affects others#so when she gets evicted from her own body her first reaction isnt 'oh god this is such a messed up and dehumanizing thing to do to your#friend. what the FUCK guys'#its instead 'oh COME ON how am i supposed to be the black paladin without a physical body??? what the FUCK guys'#and bc deep down she KNOWS that if she ever stopped and thought about her situation for like 5 seconds shed just fuckin BREAK. so. she#doesnt do that.#and bc her self worth hinges on being the black paladin#she is really protective of tha title and tries her hardest to make sure shiro knows just how much better at paladin-ing she is than him#and that he wouldnt be able to keep the role without her help#she doesnt have any sense of personhood besides her job and so she clings to it desperately#the same applies to her gender#when jiro gets a new body(did i mention that???? i feel like i forgot to mention that. whoopsie???) he#(sometimes im gonna use he/him for jiro for when im showing things from a certain characters perspective cause thats what pronouns#she was using at the time)(if thats not okay i can stop tho) was trying very hard to pretend that hes just Shiro No. 2 and nothing more#to kinda 'make things easier for everyone' and bc he could FEEL the gender crisis approaching and was just. dead set on ignoring it and#hoping those feelings would go away(spoiler- they very much didnt. it just made things so so much Worse)#so anyway. basically jiro is a person obsesed with being Good Enough and respected but also lacks the experience patience and foresight#wnich results in her ignoring everyone and everything else to focus on doing her job Correctly#does this makes sense?? im still figuring shit out with her but thats what ive got rn
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hey
dont talk shit about other peoples tattoos or ridicule them for getting whatever on their bodies just cause they wanted to. not your body, not your decision or place to comment
thats all
#my mom was basically staring at mine today. i told her yeah its still there. she actually voiced her displeasure for it like???#im sorry i got something meaningful on me that you dont get. i dont ask you to get it im asking you to respect my decision#thankfully my sister (who has multiple tattoos all over that my mom never complains about) backed me up#but god. dont do this. to anyone ever but especially to a family member or a close friend#..especially after i just this week pulled through because of it exists on me so liiiiiike. that was nice#i dont wanna dwell on this but i need to get this out of my head as i feel so gross having to endure that today after the past few weeks#the unsupportive mental health talk (unrelated to this or me) didnt help#i fucking loathe this family sometimes jfc#im gonna try to calm down i just feel very rattled and quite frankly angry at all of this ugh#night is an absolute mess on main
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in a real big This Isnt Fair kind of mood rn
#like. its not fair that whenever i have a medical problem i still have to come to work#its not fair that im the one left alone during major sales#and that im the one who has to clean up the catastrophic messes that causes#im just so tired and everything hurts so bad but i have to stay late because no one filled the tinter#cause god forbid anyone but me do it#and so i had to fill it in the middle of a shitton of orders#and since the shelves are too high for me to reach lol the tint fucking fell and splattered everywhefe#and theres still a line wondering why im not making their paint and im covered head to toe in tint#thats not gonna wash out#im just gonna look like this for a few cays#and its like maybe if i had some help#since i told them that the last hour of the last sale day is gonna be absurdly busy#but noo nooo ill be fine on my own#i e never wanted to kill myself so bad on the sales floor lmaooooo#anyway im fine ill be fine im just heated as fuck rn
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ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHH the freshman wants to TRADE CARS for the weekend.... how do i politely say i would literally kill myself and everyone in a 10 mile radius if i had to let someone other than my mom, dad, and brother drive my car
#girl you are NOT getting access to my 98k mile 2017 grey subaru outback with smart cruise and lane detection and heated seats#and my stickers on the hatchback and the bluetooth audio and automaticly-changing night mode rearview mirror#and the comfy driver's seat in EXACTLY the position i want it in and the shifter knob that perfectly fits in my hand#like when my aunt drove my car last summer it basically solidified that i will never let anyone touch my car ever again#(she put a fucking TACO on TOP OF THE DASHBOARD and moved my fucking steering wheel!!!!!!!!)#my car was literally the only place i felt safe all of 2021 and 2022 im not letting some random fucking person TAKE her from me#i did not have a PANIC ATTACK leaving her at the mechanic for 2 DAYS for some fucking freshman to USE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!#like i know i can be territorial but boy my car is all the territory i ever need. i could live out of my car if needed.#what if she fucking crashes it. shes been in soooo many accidents (i have heard all about them.)#dude if this were in person i wouldve fucking hissed and ran away i dont let people touch my fucking car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I drove 4 hours back to school at 11pm so that i wouldnt have to have my friend drive my fucking car!!!!#like genuinely i need to find a way to say no i cannot and will not let you use my car now or ever.#i dont care what her reasons are. her boyfriend could be fucking dying and i still wouldnt.#she wants to take my car to minnesota for a WEEKEND and i would not be there ???? NOOOOOO#sorry oh my god i just have to scream and cry a little so i can try to be normal in my response#gonna ask the parents for help i think bc they know im neurotic about my car#like very genuinely im very upset right now. i reread the text and her car is having issues so she wants to TRADE CARS#without even asking if im doing anything that would need a car this weekend (ummmm i fucking work on saturday and sunday is grocery day)#like sorry thats too big of a favor especially after the fucking snail debacle.... how do i know she wont CRASH MY FUCKING CAR ?#or even just like mess with the settings. like im fucking anxious at the IDEA of her being in MY drivers seat DRIVING MY CAR !!!!!#also it smells like cow shit real bad in there. does she REALLY want to drive to fucking minnesota in a cow shit car?#i need to chill i have work soon but like holy shit this has me acting up#i guess since i dont have any real stressors any more my body is like we need LEVEL 10 EMERGENCY STRESS RIGHT NOW#if this were the school year i'd have 3 benadryl inside me right now#like genuinely if this had been in person i probably wouldve been nasty like that is MY car i did not spend thousands of dollars on her#to let someone NOT on the insurance policy drive her!!!!#god okay back to totk until my parents text me back#diary post
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