COC Day 27 ▪︎ Turn

“I know you can handle this, Baz. You’re a Pitch first and foremost. Everything else is a footnote.”

–Snow For Christmas, @rainbowrowell

Feeling marginally more human today. Thanks for all the well wishes!

*thinks about this and screams*

Simon frowns at me. “You’re still wearing your suit.” He reaches up and carefully starts to loosen my tie. He’s become very skilled at this over the last few months.

— “Snow for Christmas” from Scattered Showers by Rainbow Rowell

COC 2022 • Day 24 • Showers @carryon-countdown

ooooooh ok juicy sfc posts happening !! i rly honestly truly love to see it. here's my unasked for two cents, as someone who did find the story really hopeful. im posting this not to like, discourse or disagree or discount what im seeing, but to just maybe offer a different pov for ppl who might be trying to file this story away in a less devastating way.

i, of course, think baz deserves better than what he gets from his family. we all deserve to have families that love us unconditionally, and so many of us DONT have that -- including baz. that hurts !! i also think simon didn't deserve to lose his magic, and penny didn't deserve to take on the sole responsibility for keeping simon safe, and agatha didnt deserve to be shoved into every princess/damsel role ppl cast on her, etc etc. 

what i like so much abt this series is that ppl dont get what they deserve, but theyre still okay. its why i also love the end of awtwb -- simons LICH ER ALL Y crying lol. he got a whole mega-bucket of extra trauma dumped on his plate that he hasnt even started to process. but its still so clear that he's got the support he needs to live a good life alongside this terrible knowledge. the mage fucked him over even more than he knew, but he doesnt have to define himself by these terms anymore -- we've seen his growth in this regard.

bazs main arc in the series is about how he sees himself -- in crudely simple terms, he rly wants to be a Good Guy (you know, not a vampire, straight, a good pitch etc etc) but sees himself as cursed with that impossibility. this continues as his idealized Good Guy self develops over the course of the books into something that actually feels more achievable to him and is less reliant on the shit his family put on him growing up. 

the cool thing about snow for christmas is that -- just like when simon finds out abt the mage at the end of awtwb -- we get to see baz's new sense of self tested. we get to see what he's using to draw the lines of morality. and we get to see that while of course he still cares about what his family thinks, and it still causes him anxiety and trauma and all the shitty things that he doesnt deserve -- he has grown from that place where their value system can make him hate himself.

and moreso on the hope part -- the grimms value, above all, the ability to fit into the roles they think theyre supposed to hold. its bullshit, and they've both caused themselves problems and absolutely are fucking up their children. daphne fully had to be saved by a cult bc of it and shes still not over that mindset -- these ppl need therapy lol. so it's def sick n twisted that they're celebrating baz being able to hide better rather than celebrating who baz is, but is this not the utmost sign of love that they're capable of? baz gets to fit in better -- that's all they've ever wanted for him, whether we agree with that or not. baz seems to recognize the balance of this in the story. he narrates the rest of the dinner with a sort of dry, relieved, disbelieving tone. it’s like hes huffing a laugh, shaking his head, thinking, “did i really used to pin so much of myself on this stuff? how silly.” he is not distressed bc he understands his parents, and he has, again, divorced his sense of self from their expectations. so much so tht he says fuck it and gives simon the lil kissy at the end, because THIS is his new value system: he ALWAYS kisses simon goodbye!

so, is this a step forward for the grimms being more supportive parents? yeah, maybe not. maybe it never gets better than baz hiding his fangs at dinner and everyone doing the bare minimum to accept simon's role in baz’s life. that's not what baz and simon deserve. but it could be enough, because simon and baz have different ways that they measure their happiness by. they have each other and penny and shep and ruth and agatha and niamh and every other person they'll meet in the many, many years ahead of them whose opinions they can choose to make important to them, or reject. i love this for them! the true queer hope story imo. thats what i want for myself and for the people i love. 

to be clear: this story made me sob so hard i scared my cats. (im not rly a crier, they did not know what to do). i had to put it down in the middle because i couldnt see the page. any queer person who has Family Shit is bound to get whammied lol. but! i personally find comfort in the idea that we can coexist with people who are important to us but also very difficult to be around, even if its not totally what we deserve. its a very quiet, somber hope -- but that only makes it feel more real to me. 

sometimes a sweet holiday short story will straight up murder you and kill you. for fun.

Okay, so, I know the Carry On fandom has pretty much decided that Simon will become a baker or a construction worker (and then SFC confirmed that he works for a builder and is interested in the Air Force)

BUT

What about Simon as an Elementary Phys Ed teacher?? He’d get to be outside often and be active and playful and fun. He’d connect with the kids who are having a hard time and be their go-to person. And Baz would come be a special guest during the football unit and show off to all the kids.

I just think it could be nice, you know?

Here we are, another WIPsday and me with very little to show for myself... Thanks for tagging me @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @facewithoutheart and @forabeatofadrum, I love your shares as always.

I have been working on something musical with @moodandmist (who, by the way, is SO talented y'all) but that's been about the sum total of my creative progress since the new year began. Do you want to hear a weird disembodied clip of some rough backing vocals? Okay then, here you go:

Why don't you also have this WIP of some SFC art I drew on - *check's watch* - November 9th!?! I haven't coloured this yet, which is dumb, so I think I'll do that soon.

Tags!

@creepyspice @fatalfangirl @captain-aralias @artsyunderstudy @bookish-bogwitch @gekkoinapeartree @ivelovedhimthroughworse @whatevertheweather @wetheformidables @martsonmars @johnwgrey @technetiumai @sillyunicorn @letraspal @ileadacharmedlife @aristocratic-otter @otherworldsivelivedin @palimpsessed @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @nightimedreamersworld @ionlydrinkhotwater @whogaveyoupermission @erzbethluna @thewholelemon @raenestee @hushed-chorus @larkral @stitchy-queerista @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @shrekgogurt @ic3-que3n @onepintobean @confused-bi-queer

Carry On Countdown 2022 Day 1: The End

I couldn't let him leave without a kiss good-bye. I'd only regret it later.

@carryon-countdown

META TIME

Here's what I've been thinking so with the revelation that Baz came into his vampirism at eleven means he and Simon came into their monsterhood together, like both at eleven. Simon blew up that orphanage and Baz drained the family dog and these incidents might have been only weeks apart from each other. So I think when we look back at them as kids the crucible put them together, these two boys who are powerful and scared. And I feel like that recontextualizes some of their "antagonistic" relationship cause it sort of feels like there was an acknowledgement on both of their sides that they could mess with each other without destroying each other. These two absurdly powerful boys could buttheads all they want cause they are the only two strong enough to handle it, both in Simon and Baz POV they say when thinking about how they've gone at each other that they never believed they could ever destroy the other. And thinking of it that way, it makes sense that when Simon says after he lost his magic that we used to be equals, he was on some level, mourning being the one person strong enough to make Baz feel human like Baz did for him. But of course they both learn that there are other, better ways to do that but yeah I just think it's interesting that they went through this uncomfortable change together even if it sucks that they had to go through with it at all.

Looking at the wording when it’s brought up that Agatha and Simon got physical, it always picked my attention that it’s both vague as hell and never really defined in terms of “quantity.” “It was just going through the motions” could be the conclusion of a series of experiences or a single experience. “It was always going through the motions” would obviously refer to multiple instances. Same with “I’ve seen this before” vs “I have seen him like this so many times before.” (mild SFC spoilers are below the cut/marked as spoiler because I have SFC related thoughts) (the other things that happened in the story inspire my need not for analysis but for FICS. I’ll EAT those fics)

It occurs to me that this whole thing is treated more like a concept rather than something that’s concrete and defined. The closest it gets to defining the experience is during the hospital scene, where Simon has the instinct to cover himself from Agatha in a protective gesture (already raising alarm bells) while all his instincts are screaming for him to run (this is part of why it boggles my goddamn mind when it’s argued “horny boy was horny” in this case because “sex automatically means just good feelings/sensations” – the very thing the book questions – and boy is boy. look at this shit! my man was about to piss himself!! that’s when it’s first brought up! this shit ain’t right!) and Agatha feels strange. She expresses no desire – she felt responsibility here. On Simon’s side, the closest is that one paragraph that establishes the comparison through structure: he wasn’t in love, he wasn’t turned on. He didn’t want it. “This is what sex looked like for them,” it says there, but beyond that, it feels like it’s very purposely left for the reader to fill in the blanks (the right choice here I’d say). Hell, there might not even be more thought on this beyond what’s on the page. 

I’m unfortunately the kind of reader that can’t leave shit like this alone – if you throw me something that puts me off and makes no sense (at least on the surface) I’m going to find out why. And what I think makes the most sense for them it’s that there might have been some mechanical fooling around here and there. Some curiosity and experimentation while trying to perform “a regular straight teen relationship,” in a way that feels uncomfortable but that would get downplayed (or not thought about ever in Simon’s case, you would never think he has ever done shit by the way he thinks before Baz) And honestly, nothing would be more fitting for those two than never being able to get each other off. (I made the case for Simon getting off for the first time in that scene with Baz, without his magic and all that.)

This is the only way it makes sense when you consider that 1. Simon’s crazy magic is a hell of a thing repressing him. No way he can get off without also going off. Wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t feeling turned on though and/or let his mind wander (dissociation would make feeling shit pretty difficult) 2. No way in hell Simon’s issues with intimacy start with Baz. Sure, there are new things he’s dealing with in WS, he’s re-traumatized in some ways, he has never consciously dealt with sexual desire before and his feelings for Baz are too overwhelming (he has never wanted anyone but Baz, he says). But the  he kind of “issues” that makes dissociation during a sexual situation common are issues Simon already had while dating her. If anything, unwanted experiences with Agatha where he pressured himself to go though would accentuate that. Can’t be a coincidence that Baz and Simon talk about this before they’re able to have sex, or that Simon says it at the very moment Baz is feeling the most vulnerable (while drinking) (Simon’s at his most vulnerable too) (whole thing is about exposing shame). 

As for “going all the way,” I’d say it happened once and I quote @carryonsimoncarryonbaz “during Christmas break 7th year” (we’ve had so many convos sometimes I forget who said what haha). Simon says, as explanation (because he feels the need to explain) “we were together for a long time” – you don’t say that shit if you’re doing it a couple of months into the relationship, because how long you have been together wouldn’t be relevant in that case. 

Why do I say once? First of all, logistics. You gotta remember these people didn’t have an awful lot of free time, even less Simon. His schedule was packed as hell. The argument that it had to have happened at least a couple dozen times or something is wild as hell to me because when the hell are they finding that time? Where would they do it at Watford like, realistically? Gay sex would’ve been easier there! they wouldn’t have the drive or the motivation to work to make it happen in non-ideal places. A simple kiss wouldn’t be leading to shit spontaneously. They don’t see each other during the summer break (when Simon pretends she doesn’t exist). They were left alone at her house sometimes, but not all the goddamn time, and Helen was still there. I could maybe see the argument for “trying going all the way a second time to see if a sucky first time was just first time nerves” or something along those lines, but multiple times? All the way? For two people with no sexual attraction to each other? With barely any time to be alone together? It doesn’t add up. We love fantasy, but I’m not suspending my belief for this shit. 

Another reason (the biggest reason I’m arguing this) is that the vulnerability of sex brings up relationship problems, and those two together were, well. A Problem. It’s one thing to have a series of experiences with unwanted “fooling around” and related but going all the way? Man. This could easily be the thing that seriously pushes them to break apart. A thing that brings up a lot of negative emotions. Agatha wouldn’t be equipped to deal with Simon breaking down, and it would have come to that if it he pushed himself multiple times to go all the way when he didn’t want it (but felt like he had to). 

The “it happened during Christmas 7th year” timeline it’s consistent with Simon remembering Agatha becoming more emotionally detached and irritated after the break, and it has Agatha running after Baz (as in, she has “tried it all” with Simon and it didn’t work, so time to look for a spark elsewhere). This is already telling you that she was reaching her breaking point and getting ready to break up, and it’s also consistent with the negative emotions that going through the motions sex can cause, negative emotions that also manifest in Simon when he talks about it (and outside of his head it’s the only time this gets approached, with Baz present to help him process it; never once alone in his head) Also, it always stood out to me when Agatha is breaking up with Simon, he tries to hold her hand and she jumps away from his contact. Simon brushes it away with “I moved too fast and scared her” but it feels like there’s something deeper going on there. He’s not fucking flash, it’s not... normal to be jumpy like that.

SPOILERS START HERE

In SFC Simon brings up touch. He’s like “I never liked to touch Agatha in front of her parents because I didn’t want to remind them we were stuff together.” Again the vagueness. Obvious assumptions aside (because Simon challenges such assumptions during his conversation with Baz with “sex is not confirmation of attraction” and “is it good that it happened?”). Going to the movies is doing stuff together. Doing stuff together can be “let’s figure out how tongue kissing works.” It can be literally what Agatha describes in awtwb: sitting so close together while watching TV Simon is sweating all over her, while he puts his arm around her. It’s already a thing he wouldn’t be comfortable doing in front of her parents. 

“I wanted her parents to trust me,” Simon dated Agatha in survival mode. Even being together is survival. When he tells her “I love you,” his thinking mirror battle strategies rather than emotions. Here, he shows an awareness of expectations for boys like him. He didn’t want her parents thinking he can’t be trusted to be in their house when they weren’t around because he would be “a horny boy trying to get his way with their daughter” or some shit. He was aware of such expectations, and he performed with Agatha because that’s what he’s supposed to want, isn’t it? This is what happens in relationships, what leads to a future and a family and fitting it. This is what you do if you don’t want to be left behind, isn’t it? But at the same time, he didn’t want these expectations to leave him with nowhere to go. It’s a lot, and he was on alert. 

And with the way it’s phrased, it’s all in Simon’s head. He doesn’t say the parents did shit that cause him to adjust his behavior, it was coming from him. Because he just didn’t like to touch Agatha, period. Not as a boyfriend. He’s not like “I had to restrain myself” in front of her parents, he simply didn’t like it. So he put internal blocks here. Simon’s priority in that paragraph is parental acceptance. It’s getting the adults to trust him. And it makes sense that he expresses it like this, without much examination, because this is only 6 months after awtbw. It took him more than a year after they broke up to process in real time with Baz that he was never into Agatha, it makes sense he hasn’t dedicated any more time to this. And this thought occurred to him because of a situation with parents that triggered it. It also occurs to me: between this and Simon’s initial reaction when Baz asks, it seems like Simon considers "getting physical” with Agatha as something no one has to know, as in, this is something that’s embarrassing or shameful. And Simon is not at all a reserved “i just don’t like PDA” kind of guy – he was rubbing his cock on Baz in a library! A public space! Simon worries about “being gay” outside for a while, but when he’s working through this and they’re finally progressing, Baz notes he seems to get off on public displays of affection! So to dislike being public with Agatha, a straight relationship that is accepted by everyone and their mothers, it’s indicative of just disliking touching Agatha.

In contrast, what holds Simon back from touching Baz is external (a potentially hostile environment, where the parents are visibly “miserable” because of his presence). When Simon and Baz go to have dinner with Baz's parents, it’s the one (1) time Simon truly and fully enters survival mode in their relationship, and he notes “these adults are not going to trust me even if we’re sitting like we’re leaving room for Jesus.” It’s the complete opposite to the situation with Agatha, where Simon wanted parental approval, where she wasn’t the priority at all, and he didn’t like touching her, anyway. Here, Baz is Simon’s priority. Here, Simon has to restrain himself from touching Baz, and it makes him miserable, even though it’s only been a couple of hours at most. Here, Baz touch is linked to sustenance (breakfast). Touching Baz is as vital to Simon as eating. It makes him giddy. Not touching him it’s like torture. We get none of that “I don’t like PDA in front of parents/other people” he touches him and calls him babe in front of everyone with God As His Witness. He has 0 issues here. He doesn’t give a fuck. 

And his horny reactions to Baz helping him with his clothes is worlds apart from how uncomfortable he was with even the idea sex in CO or even in part of WS in his head, when he’s telling you Baz is the only person he has ever wanted “like this.” (Simon can’t even think the word sex, it’s memory Baz who says it.) If you consider Simon’s expertize with undoing Baz’s tie here, and the way Simon was regularly jumping Baz and thinking about his cock around him in awtwb, it all paints the picture of a Simon who has become “sexually liberated” in a way he never has before. He’s having sex regularly with his boyfriend and you bet your ass he fucking wants it. You bet he’s prioritizing it and making the time for it. Godbless.  

Six Sentence Sunday

Thank you for the tags, friends @martsonmars and @palimpsessed ❤️ love your work!

Tagging: @cutestkilla @bookish-bogwitch @artsyunderstudy @facewithoutheart @ivelovedhimthroughworse @hushed-chorus @larkral @captain-aralias @whogaveyoupermission @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @ionlydrinkhotwater @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @confused-bi-queer

Doing this early today. I've had a more or less productive week, so you get two snippets, both from Christmas stories (I'm already in the vibe lol)

First, for the next chapter of A Charity Case:

“I literally have no magic,” Snow says with a forced little laugh. Like he thinks I'm the one who's being idiotic. 

“What about those giant bloody wings?” I mock-whisper, leaning over the table. Snow mirrors me, leaning even further forward. Our foreheads almost touch. “Or are they false? Just for show?” 

He snorts in my face. I scowl. 

“They're real,” he says. “But they don't count.” 

“How so?” 

Snow shakes his head. “They're just like scars… or a souvenir. A reminder of something I don't have… something I am not anymore.” 

I have to sit back and laugh, then. The image is fucking tragic. I imagine Simon Snow wearing a shirt that says “I saved the World of Mages and all I got was this ridiculously stunning pair of wings,” and it makes my chest ache uncomfortably, so I laugh instead. 

-

Second snippet is a post-Snow for Christmas explicit fic, so... It goes under the cut lol (beware of spoilers)

This angle is terrible. My wings are getting in the way, and I'm not sure Baz can see anything.

It's hard to support myself and pull off my pants while holding the phone, all at the same time, so I just let it fall onto bed while I get rid of my clothes. I can see Baz's face up close, eyes intense and fixed on the screen.

I check the image from my own camera, then grin, pointing it at my torso. “Like what you see?”

Baz Mmms as I tweak one of my nipples between my fingers. “Very much. I believe I asked for cake, though.”

Hoping to post this tomorrow for the cake prompt of COC!

COC Day 07 ▪︎ Veil

Mom-kiss delivery!

in the spirit of the seasons: holiday snowbaz memes

Snow for Christmas wrecked my whole brain and I haven’t been able to work on my NaNoWriMo since. Instead, I’ve written two cursed fics that should be burned and savored in that order. Such is life.

Thanks for the tags yesterday. I’m working on reblogs but I missed SSS yesterday because I Could Not Handle my life so here are six sentences from a SFC follow-up, under the break for spoilers (???).

We said our goodbyes yesterday.

A sharp, jolting handshake from my father. A lingering hug from Daphne.

An enthusiastic puppy pile from the children.

I’d even gotten a tentative ankle lick from their new dog; it felt like benediction.

All things considered this trip couldn’t have gone better.

So why then do I feel two shades shy of a complete meltdown?

Is this basically autobiographical to encompass everything I felt yesterday leaving House Witches behind? MAYBE. Well, at least until the end.

Tagging @ileadacharmedlife @skeedelvee @bookish-bogwitch @moodandmist and @(siswitch) that’s my version of tagging her even though she’s not on Tumblr lol. Thanks for being amazing and perfect and ugh I don’t even like thinking about it; it makes me too sad and happy. Sappy. Huh. Do you think that’s where that word comes from?

(I’m a mess lol can you tell?)

they are so fucking obsessed and in love with each other im gonna throw up

i am completely normal about snowbaz always kissing each other goodbye. so normal.