#enough negativity now.
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I guess I should clarify something after talking to some people, but putting it on this blog for reasons.
So I know a few things I do on here are a bit...odd? Be it how I follow people, interact, send or in many cases don’t send stuff, or my rping style, or even why my muse is the way he is, or my activity habit. So let me just explain a bit and get it out of the way, not being forced to do this, just that sometimes people don’t get the right idea for why I do things.
Following people: I usually NEVER follow people first, on ANY of my blogs. Simply because I am not sure if my muse is wanted or not, or myself for that matter. Some people prefer being followed by certain muses or fandoms, so to not cross their comfort I usually don’t follow first. Sure I may follow back if they followed me, if I am comfortable or interested enough and its a character I can see myself rping with, yeah...
Interact: Simply put, I am a people pleasure, I want make everyone proud and happy and all that...but last few years on tumblr and FF14, etc, I was used and abused in so many ways then I care to admit, making me VERY paranoid and uneasy around others, doesn’t help I am naturally shy, and not one to care for a lot of attention, so sorry for not reaching out first usually... Usually interact more with friends and people I talk to in ways that I can be comfortable to reach out to them, ic or ooc, but I sadly can’t do this with everyone and every day... so sorry...
Sending stuff: Pretty much above reasons, fact that Idk if people would want a meme from me so I just don’t send one unless asked or told I can in person, I just don’t want to annoy or make people feel required to answer. And I get super nervous if its appropriate to send, so usually only do this if confident enough and or comfortable with the person.
Rping style: Thing is, I am rarely on, fact is I was gone a lot the last few years trying please people on FF14 to point that was all I did. Got so bad and blew up in my face so hard I was so scared to come back here, afraid they bring the drama here, and they did in a sense, but not as much. So I am rusty from being gone a lot do to drama and health reasons. Also I am dyslexic, both reading and speaking, my grammar sucks, due to these things and being so rusty with rping, I know my writing can be unreadable, making it hard for people want to continue, and usually write with people comfortable with my writing or asking me for understanding, luckily my best friend and rp partner can read my stuff very well so least I got that going.
My muse: He is actually pretty mellow and quiet and not so much of a sore thumb guy, but he wants to be because it’s important for him be out there for people at times. I am usually very secluded and quiet myself, Angelic helps me cope and be more happy and carefree and relaxed from writing him. He is a very complete character that pretends be very simple because people can handle simple and straightforwardness, though he may not seem so forward in speaking. Lol. He is a prized muse I wrote for over ten years in all kinds of fandoms, he used to be very popular in a lot of them, now, most people moved on, and as for myself and my breaks, well... He is just a muse I want be one day, a lot of things I have experienced and seen I put in him, quite proud of it, he’s far from perfect, but doesn’t stop him from trying be the best he can, I look up to him for that.
Activity: I have health issues...what more...I am still recovering from years of abuse... To be quick, I am a mentor in FF14, all my classes are 90 (ALL CLASSES), I have over ten accounts, I am used to helping one to six or more people in things. I rarely ate or slept, hell I missed a lot in the game due to being told to speed through or else... fun... Being the people pleasure I am, I tried everything, crafting and gathering and helping with story to savage content to helping with rooms and clothes and rping and you name it, probably did it. My like was consumed by FF14, more so by people I wanted to please and be proud of me...It was...bad...didn’t eat or sleep really... mind none stop focus on wanting help and be useful and wanted...it...was...BAD...so bad I had friend demand and plea to take breaks and rest and stop doing any FF14 for a week or more... Yeah... It blew up in my face, severely, three times specifically... Luckily majority left my life, still tries stir drama with me... but whatever... Hence why I was gone a lot here as well because some used to rp with me...I am a lot better, but I have a lot of health issues still (always will be), and just...yeah...recovering... so that’s why I am so sparse, some great days and some good days and weeks or even months I am gone, lol. That’s me. I don’t tend to promote my blogs now because honestly, I am tired... And I just...well...I want people naturally come to me because they are interested in me and my muses, be it Angelic or some other...may mention muses on other blogs and here but yeah...Idk... I used to be very popular on a lot fandoms and now I just want to rest after everything. LOL... Look at me being a old retired person mentality. Hahahaha! But yeah, just..hah... Yeah...
So yeah there you have a general idea of things. I won’t mention stuff like this usually if at all, as I try keep most things privet these days unless they are pertinent to the muse or something important enough, but yeah. Anyway back to rping.
#ooc#tw: mental health#tw: eating disorder#tw: mental illness#tw: abuse#enough negativity now.#going try and have some fun.
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STAND UP JAPAN NEGATIVE PEOPLE
#ghost trick#cabanela#ok spoiler tags now sorruy#cabayomi#yomiel#<- i feel like thisnisnt very inherently shippy so im brave enough to tag it normally LOLS!#SONG IS positive vs negative by wanopo (joyous emoji#times goomy has redrawn this song with a pairing: 2#wonderful japanese comment from twitter: kirakira ojisan and tsun tsun tongari#(has an aneurysm at tongari mention#mext we’re gonna be calling this guy Needle Noggin….#ok idk why im rambling here of all places#goomyart
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bay!donnie x female reader, angst/hurt/comfort; technically nsfw but this is not a spicy fic
ah fuck. cws: negative thoughts? negative self-image? I... think that's all?
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Truthfully, you should've seen this coming. Work has been hard lately. You've been feeling a little down and a lot stressed out for a while now. Tired all the time. That negative voice in your head speaking up more frequently, other people's words cutting a little deeper than usual. Amplifying the negative and brushing past the positive, letting things get to you even though you know sometimes your brain is a lying asshole.
So, really. You should've known. You should've said something. Something about how sensitive you're feeling. How normally you love a good mixture of degradation and praise but right now you really, really need him to stick with praise. You should've said something.
But you didn't.
The tears come suddenly. The dull ache in your chest sharpens, like a shard of glass, wedging itself between your ribs and pressing in further with every inhale. You feel like you're not getting any oxygen at all, your lungs seizing as your breaths quicken. You can't- you can't breathe.
Just a stupid fucktoy, Donnie had called you. And normally you love that. Normally that's perfect - you've come to the sound of those words plenty of times before. But now…
Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. A stupid fucktoy. That's all you're good for, isn't it? You can't do anything right except be used. But, oh, you can't even do that right, can you? Because now you're crying, and he's stopped using you. He's stopped, and you're truly useless now, and you're so so fucking stupid.
He calls your name. Takes the gag out of your mouth. Gently wipes at the tears streaming down your cheeks and asks if he's hurt you. If he went too fast, if you weren't fully prepared. If you want him to stop.
You can't speak, but you shake your head.
“Dove, what is it? What's wrong?”
Nothing. Everything. You. It's just you, you're what's wrong. You're wrong and useless and stupid, and you can't breathe.
“Hey, hey, you're okay. It's okay, here, come here, it's okay.”
He's holding you. Cradling you to his chest as you sob like the pathetic thing that you are. When the soft cuffs that held your hands behind you are released, you can't help but cling to him and bury your face in his neck. The sounds you're making are so ugly, so whiny, and you- you hate yourself. Fuck, you're pathetic. He's murmuring sweet words, brushing a hand up and down your back, trying to soothe you. He’s kind, and gentle, and you…
You don't deserve it.
Donnie is confused. You can tell he is, and you want to explain but at the same time you don't. It doesn't really matter, though. You wouldn't be able to make yourself speak even if you did want to. Everything is too much right now, and you still can't breathe, and you're starting to feel sick to your stomach.
Stupid. Why are you so goddamn stupid?
You cry. And cry. And cry. Muscles stiff, face swollen, you're miserable and exhausted and fucking mortified. Donnie was feeling good. He was enjoying himself, and you ruined it with your tears. Ruined it. Stupid girl, you ruin everything.
You try to apologize. It comes out garbled, but somehow he understands.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dove. You've done nothing wrong.” Donnie presses a kiss to your hair, still running a hand up and down your back. Soothing, kind, gentle, he's everything. And you don't deserve him.
Time passes. Sobs turn into sniffles, which start to come farther and farther apart. When you finally go completely quiet, he's still murmuring sweet words into your hair.
You feel sick. Tense. Nauseous and shaky and gross. Inside and out, you feel wrong. Hollowed out, scraped clean of everything except this ache in your chest that won't go away.
Stupid. So fucking stupid.
Donnie moves, still cradling you close with one arm as he leans forward and reaches for something. A blanket is draped over you. You hadn't even realized how cold you were, but the relief is instant. Your muscles start to fully relax, and you find yourself melting into his hold even further.
He presses another kiss into your hair. “What happened, my love?”
You swallow thickly, glad that your face is hidden in his neck. You don't want to tell him. It feels so- so stupid. For you to have reacted like that. For you to be so affected by nothing. You open your mouth, but nothing comes out. Nothing, nothing, that's all you are. Nothing.
“I'm going to list some things. Just shake your head or nod for me, okay?”
After a moment, you nod against his neck.
“Did I go too fast?”
You shake your head.
“Did I hurt you?”
You hesitate for a moment, then shake your head. There's a stretch of silence where you swear you can hear him thinking, analyzing your hesitation.
“Was it what I said?”
You should nod, but you can't make yourself do it. There's a thick, heavy anxiety there, keeping you from confirming even though you're not sure why. Donnie understands anyway, because of course he does. He's perfect, and kind, and smart, and you're just so-
His arms tighten around you. He doesn't say that you should've told him you were feeling down. He doesn't say that you should know better, that you should know that he doesn't mean it and that it was just part of the fantasy. He doesn't say any of that, because he understands. He understands, as he always does, that what you need is for him to keep murmuring kind words into your hair. To keep gently caressing your skin, holding you like you're something precious. To combat the venomous thoughts that are holding you hostage.
He understands.
It's okay, Dove. You're okay. Everything is alright. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, okay? You're not stupid. You're not whatever mean things your head is saying right now. You're perfect, and I love you so much. I love you so much, Dove. You're perfect just as you are, okay? My pretty girl. Right here with me, where you belong. You're so good, sweetheart, so good. I've got you.
His words are like a balm on your soul, and you drink them up greedily. Holding onto him like he's a lifeline - because he is. He is.
The tears come back. You can't help the ugly keens, the way your body shakes. Through it all, he holds you close and soothes you inside and out in the way only he can.
Not stupid, Dove. Smart. Kind. Brave and capable and good. You're so good, and I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you-
You'll never understand how he does this - how he makes that feeling of wrong wrong wrong fade away. But he does. The sharp tangle in your chest is unraveling, and you're finally able to breathe and actually feel like you're getting oxygen. You're so grateful, and you're so fucking lucky, and you love him so much. By the time you start to drift, with his soft voice echoing in your ears, both you and the keratin you're resting against are warm.
Later, when you wake, fully soothed and capable of speech once again, there will be more to talk about. But for now, Donnie holds you. Soothing you with his voice, his hands, his everything. And you finally, finally let yourself rest.
#turtlecleric scrolls#bay!donnie#i just know i'm going to find typos in this later and be pissed off#people on the tag list i'm uh. i'm really sorry but i don't feel confident enough in this to tag anyone#i think i'm a little too fragile for tagging people right now because i'll amplify the “negative” if... hm. anyway#i know it's stupid and you literally asked to be tagged but i just don't want to bother or annoy people and i can't push past that right no#idk#sorry
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new jash twitter photo :0
[photo for ones who do not have the app]
#cant believe bro is flexing the he's going into 2024 before most of us smh/j#also i love the lil smiley#just a :)#jokes aside this has been a wild year for me both positively & negatively but these songs have help so so much on both ends#an I'm glad dudes having fun still makin em#cant believe he blinked for the photo tho like wow. NO effort into this[/j ofc]#this is how i compliment people okay#if im confident enough to “insult” you that means i think you're a neat swell person :}#chonny jash#moss post#im far into the tags now so like#again i mean this in the MOST aroace way possible but man he's so pretty dude#also gender envious a bit#bro is very pretty & i wanna look that pretty#okay im shush now but#wild year for me & music is very helpful for mental stuff#i say this knowing his minecraft sheesh cover exists but like#it was a very emotional piece okay ❤/j
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Do you think you’ll ever do art commissions?
^^
im not really sure. art commissions would let me work at my own pace and make money on the side, but im worried of things thatll get in the way
firstly im more used to drawing for myself. ive drawn other ppls characters and fanart, but those are on my own whims and pace and i dont have to negotiate things with anyone. drawing for someone else can be helpful since i work best with instructions, but im not very keen on doing things im not interested in and i might be hard to work with
i also avoid using online payments when i can, so im apprehensive around making online transactions. etransfer policies arent very kind to artists and theres also the risk of disclosing my personal information
given the industry im going into, im aware that im gonna have to figure out how to tackle these sooner or later, and maybe then ill be confident enough to manage commissions. but right now its fuzzy
#this isnt even scratching the surface but these are my main concerns. the other thing is adhd so i have shit work ethic#and a whole slew of negative personality traits that i wont get into but for now its kinda in the air unless smth forces me#im grateful to chipper and bow who've been kind and patient enough to help me by answering my questions and walking me thru#their own processes so i do feel like i can go into it knowing something. there are also some resources online ive found that#give me somewhere to start but the personal risks right now arent smth i can overlook#last summer i was super pumped and committed to trying to get something started but the more i learned the more worried i got#yapping#txt#doodles#sona#puppysona#new sona(???) tentative... im dogy#ask
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shoutout to that time i had a dream that larry was cheating on alison with adam only to knock him up on accident and adam never saying a word about it so they could keep the status quo (he didnt want to lose lawrence)
#chainshipping#saw#how do i say this haunts me without the negative connotation#because i think on it fondly actually#and i am feeling brave enough to share this right now on here and not on twitter actually#because tumblr feels safer even though i did get called a faggot for the first time in my life here#whereas on twitter i have been recognized by a scooby doo writer and the da vinki brothers#anyway. what was the point i was making
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With each episode of secret invasion, I'm reminded of the fact that none of these Disney + shows can come close to what Agents of Shield had.
#back when shows actually took the time to develop characters enough for me to care about them#and back when something like a large scale infiltration and corruption in a tv show wasn't boring af#all those mcu fans that hated on aos in the first season because it had “corny jokes” how's your mcu now?#aos#agents of shield#agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.#mcu#marvel#secret invasion negativity#secret invasion spoilers#layl.text
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my favorite part of doom patrol is the way larry is always on some random side quest/not affected by what's happening to the main group
like in 4x05 where everyone else is getting deaged but larry is too busy getting a boyfriend/finding keeg
or how he's the only one who wasn't swallowed by ezekiel in 1x15
or how he was the only one not on vacation in 3x02 (which lead to him being the only one to survive) because he was too busy having weird alien sex with the negative spirit
i feel like this is exemplified by that scene in 1x14 where they meet danny for the first time and larry's like "oh yeah me and vic already met them. they're chill, we did karaoke. oh did i not tell you guys about that? we need to talk more lol"
#like its just funny to me#i wasnt in this fandom when s3 came out so i dont know if larry and the spirit having sex is like consensus or not#but its definitely implied#also on a related note i feel like we dont talk about the negative spirit impregnating larry enough cause what was that#ANYWAY normal tags now lol#doom patrol#dc#negative man#larry trainor#also#spoilers#milowing
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My therapist and I have determined I have what I'm gonna call James Brain
It's basically a moral OCD subsection where it feels like every "bad" action is just as bad as any other "bad" action. Something like snapping when you're hangry feels like it's the same as robbing that person at gunpoint. It's based on the verse that's usually interpreted as all sins being equal:
"For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." James 2:10
#If you or a loved one is suffering from James Brain you may be entitled to financial compensation#Basically have a compulsive need to self correct#I no longer have to repent but my brain still wants SOMETHING to fill that void so now it's self correction#so it's a weird moral compulsion to make sure I perfect myself after a situation with a negative reaction from me or others#my therapist is helping me learn to pick and choose what's important and what's not#cause not everything matters all that much and I can say that#but I can't *believe* it enough yet to implement it#I'm slowly but surely getting there#I've even started playing fortnite more#also I'm stuck at walmart waiting for a scooter pain and agony on planet earth#ex christian#religious trauma
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I wanted to give the live action atla a fair shot but good god it’s such a slog to get through and I’ve only watched the first 2 episodes. The characters feel like set pieces and not living breathing people, they talk in sweeping general statements and platitudes. It feels like there is no heart which is such a bummer. They are trying to speed rush the connections which just doesn’t work there is a reason you need 18-22 episodes to tell a character driven story, 8 is simply not enough.
#atla netflix#netflix avatar the last airbender#atla spoilers#negativity#so much telling not nearly enough showing the characters are bland and dull and lesser#adaptations should add to the source material not change the fundamentals of the story come on now#and like I’m not a purist but when the original is pretty damn near perfect it’s not hard to find ways to enhance the story
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Since we're talking about Grandfather Spider can we Girls please just take one single moment of the day to remember and think about his, "I am beyond angry with you, but I could never hate you." quote to Grandmother Raven please. Please. Please can we do that? I will become sick as fuck if someone doesn't acknowledge this with me
#that was one of the most powerful fucking things ive ever personally read#can we please applaud the emotional maturity and intelligence on spider's part here please. to be able to tell and admit the difference-#-between feelings of anger and resentment and flat out hate#there's like not even really a word spider could find that could sum up all his negative feelings other than 'anger'. its not just anger-#-its so much more than that. but its not hate. he doesn't hate her and never has hated her#also the acknowledgement that things (at that point in time) between them are still Not Okay#like. they're not fighting any longer. they recognized their harmful actions but those feelings still havent gone away theyre still hurt#i think the ending to their arc was very decent because it still gave them room to grow in peace#they're not okay RIGHT NOW but with enough work maybe they will be. it will take years and years and years but maybe it will be okay.#“hey look im not all that comfortable with you yet but i recognize your regret and willingness to work on us so i can do the same for you”-#-hey what if i died right now. what if i died from that right fucking now.#wizard101#wiz101#w101#text posts#grandfather spider
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#bleachers#gone now#hate that you know me#bleachers lyrics#blue#sky#some days i wish that i wasn't myself no luck#negative#not enough#self
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i'd rather be friendless than to constantly have my boundaries disrespected
#i am so frustrated and annoyed rn#at the beginning of this year my ex best friend reached out to me and i cautiously let her back into my life#things were going great but now she turned a harmless topic into a full blown discussion even though i told her multiple times that i no..#.. longer want to discuss this matter but she kept going & then accusing me of continuing the discussion as well#and tbh i really should've stopped engaging with her messages much sooner but it's so annoying when someone sends you lots of messages with#their opinion although i mentioned several times that i want to drop the topic & then i'm just expected to shut up lol#she didn't respect my wish to move and made a huge fuss about nothing#i stopped replying to her since yesterday bc i really had enough & i should've just left her on read much sooner#but her messages were truly annoying me#her last message now says that we often have different opinions & she thinks she's more optimistic than me & that makes it hard for her to..#talk to me..... i was so dumbfounded when i read that this morning#our initial conversation was about whether a song is more pop or rnb....... & she twisted that into me being negative lmao#she was so obsessed with being right that she couldn't drop the topic even though i told her how exhausting the convo was for me#and like it's such an irrelevant topic... imagine being that obsessed with always being right 😭#idc anymore i'd rather be a negative bitch than someone who disrespects others' boundaries <3#i thought she changed for the better but she's so self-righteous opinionated & stubborn it's awful#i calmly told her that her behavior is bothering me & we easily could've just moved on but she kept going on and on#and she herself admitted that it's one of her flaws that she always has to be right & she's being petty & yet she didn't stop 🤡#even writing all this down feels so silly to me bc the initial topic was sooooo trivial#am i supposed to feel sorry for thinking a song was rnb rather than pop???? like go touch some grass please#she even sent me a screenshot of the wikipedia page of the song to prove that it's rnb & it literally said synth pop & rnb lol#but i wasn't even mad about that her not respecting my wish to drop the topic & move on even though i said it multiple times really pissed..#me off though.... like girl just let it go it's not that deep!!!#but apparently i'm negative & pessimistic for having a different opinion than her 🤷🏼♀️#like imagine starting a fight over smth SO IRRELEVANT but i'm the negative one sure lmao#okay i just needed to get this off my chest bc i don't have anyone to talk to about this & it's just ridiculous to me#☁️
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“isn’t it obvious when something shouldn’t be reblogged?” no, this is the autism website. turn your damn reblogs off.
#it was bad enough when people would just not tag shit and expect you to know#there’s a literal toggle for it now. use it.#i’m not psychic. and everything is relatable to me. and i don’t understand really why anyone would post something they don’t want reblogged#this is tumblr#that’s what we do#tumblr culture#negative#tumblr#hellsite (derogatory)
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redrew an old piece of @demilypyro bc. it was Old and it Bothered Me that it was Old but tbh i kind of like the energy of the old one better which is, sadly, always the chance you take with redraws. sometimes its just hard to capture the original charm of a drawing and you end up with something you like less even if your technical skill has improved. this entire spiel has nothing to do with the actual piece but its here now. anyways. demily maid dress ive done it again i need to draw demily in something else before this becomes my Thing.
if you enjoy my work, please consider commissioning me!
#art#digital art#graphic art#vtuber#demilypyro#fanart#peterofthedrakes#if you want to see more redraws you too can continually dig up old pieces i originally did as a joke#until i get bothered enough by people seeing my old art that i just straight up redraw it#this isnt negative btw i feel like i have to say that i love reblogs theyre so appreciated i love that people like my older art so much#but also. sometimes. it Bothers Me when im like#no but i can do better now you should look at my new stuff :(
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really wish people would read blog rules more, it makes running blogs like this very low reward and you feel like a machine if people aren't commenting and aren't even abiding by one of the, honestly, very few and politely phrased rules i even have
#then i'm left trying not to respond like a bitch when the rules are there in the first place so i don't have to have negative interactions#with the people who come to this blog#like keeping it 100 you write for yourself but you write for ENGAGEMENT and COMMUNITY#and these days in fandom there really is no community#for any fandom across the board#people see something and move on#that's bad enough at killing fandoms#but the fact that a creator can have really only one super hard rule and it gets disregarded every day#day in and day out! and i really mean it this rule gets broken in my inbox DAILY man!#i write for a lot of small fandoms or smaller characters i love the characters i'm happy to do it#but i have an adult job. college. friends. family. my own original creative projects#and even if i don't respond to the asks where people are blatantly violating /again/#one of my FEW rules#it's exhausting to even see it !!!#it makes me not feel like a person#who cares what the girl behind the screen asked me not to do? right?? but i'm about done#i'm only at my breaking point because i've had this blog now for what three or four years??#and no matter how i phrase the rule people break it#no matter how many reminder posts#it's exhausting because it's an every day daily thing#idk maybe i'll feel better abt it in the morning but i'm getting exhausted tbh#exhausted as in this blog might be going BYE BYE i wont delete i think you'd have it up until tumblr goes away but i am getting pissed off#TRULY pissed off bc it's been years of me asking cmon now
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