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iamloveandlightsworld · 2 years

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I had an okay day

The last month I've been talkative and not too down

But then like a switch

I feel like I'm being pulled under the water again

My mind is chanting stick a knife in your throat

You're disgusting

I hate looking myself in the mirror

I haven't been drinking water

So ofcourse my face looks like a monster

I haven't been moving ofcourse my body is disgusting

I don't have a personality ,I'm as bland as they come

I'm a fraud,an imposter

I'm a bad person who loses interest in people and then blame them for not caring enough

I'm pathetic because I expect people to care when I'm already pushing everyone away

Lately most shows I watch with mum there has been a suicide

And she'll comment something like Amejiua

And she has zero awareness that I am thinking and planning on how to die

There are so many people who have potential and are good people and have the will to live but they die

I wish I could give them my life

You might be wondering..ah..she was so weak and such a coward..did she expect us to read her mind...why didn't she ask for help...she knows we love her and we supported her

Maybe I'm wrong

I'm a lazy ass bitch who can't get off her ass and look for work

I've wasted everybody's time and money

Mum and dad must have spent a fortune on my education

But lil sad Gin...poor Gin...just take your meds and integrate into society and stop being so pathetic

You expect people to wake up and serve you

What a joke....can I just sleep and never wake up again

Why am I so resistant to God

People seem to have their lives together when they believe and trust in God

I don't really try to make an effort to get to know him

The being in charge of me

The being who supposedly loves me so much he brought me to existence to fulfill some type of purpose when I'm on earth....the one who will send my soul straight to an eternity of pain and misery

Gin...you think being this privileged is so miserable

Wait till you're in purgatory and burning in hell for an eternity

Why the fuck are you so resistant

I think it's because I'm exhausted

I don't want to be helped

Maybe I deserve an eternity for suffering

You're nothing but a waste of space

Taking up oxygen that someone else needs

Like I lie in bed and let mum slave herself with house chores

Like Fuck Gin....you could at least be helpful if you're going to lazy around in bed and eat free food and get free shelter and clothes and electricity and comfort

I mean why the fuck do you feel like you're suffering

What the fuck is wrong with me

JUST TAKE THE KNIFE AND PLUNGE IT IN YOUR HEART

YOU DESERVE A PAINFUL DEATH

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD SISTER

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD NIECE

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD GRANDCHILD

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD FRIEND

YOU ARE NOT A GOOD HUMAN

SO HURRY UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY

THE MORE YOU PRETEND PEOPLE NEED YOU

THE MORE IM HURTING THEM, NO ONE NEEDS YOU

I MEAN THEY WILL BE HURT AND BETRAYED BY MY SELFISHNESS 😂😂😂🤣SEE EVEN IN DEATH YOU ARE A MISERY TO EVERYONE‼️

YOUR COALS TO BURN YOU ALIVE FOR ETERNITY ARE ALREADY BEING LIT

I MEAN I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL

IM NOT EVIL

I DONT WANT TO BE ON LUCIFER'S OR GOD'S SIDE

I JUST DONT WANT TO BE ON ANYONE'S SIDE

I DONT WANT TO EXIST

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON AFTER ONE DIES...BUT CAN I JUST PLEASE DISSAPPEAR AND CEASE TO EXIST

LOOK AT YOU GIN

RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE LIKE A COWARD

AND ALSO TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM MY PUNISHMENT

I FEEL LIKE I CANT BREATHE

I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BEING SQUEEZED SO HARD

YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO HUMAN SOCIETY

YOU SEXUALITY

YOUR MINDSET

NO ONE NEEDS SUCH FILTH,DIRTY STAINS IN THEIR LIVES

I WAS HERE BUT I WAS NEVER HERE

YOU SAID HELLO ONCE OR TWICE

SO MY DEPARTURE FROM EXISTING SHOULDNT AFFECT YOU AT ALL

JUST ATTEND MY SENDING AWAY BTS THEMED "FUNERAL"...CRY A LITTLE...REMINISCE SOME OLD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES

FOR MY FAMILY...I AM EXTREMELY PROFOUNDLY SORRY TO MY FAMILY...I WISH I COULD ERASE MYSELF IN A NOT SO TRAUMATIC WAY..LIKE A PHYSICAL ILLNESS OR SOMETHING...THATS EASIER TO ACCEPT AND MOVE ON

BUT MAYBE LEARN FROM ME

IT MIGHT BE PAINFUL

BUT PLEASE GROW CLOSER AS A FAMILY

STAND TOGETHER AND LOVE THE HELL OUT OF ONE ANOTHER

To be completely transparent and honest,Bangtan are a very high reason why I never stick a knife in my throat esp Park Jimin...I keep telling myself to wait and see what they do next....they will never know they had someone who loved them so much that they were my life jackets,my beam of light...they will never know of my existence as an individual and that's okay...it's been a great journey with them...they made me see the beauty of life but unfortunately the darkness won....I CAN BREATHE TOTALLY FINE BUT I CANT BREATHE....MY LUNGS ARE BURNING..MY MIND IS SCREAMING....DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE WHY WONT YOU DIE YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT....🤮🤮🤮YOU DISGUST ME..NOTHING ABOUT YOU IS LOVEABLE...WELL YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE..THEY CANT HATE YOU...GOD STRIKE ME DOWN..IM AN EMBARRASSMENT AND A WASTE OF SPACE, A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND ERASE ME...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND JUST MAKE ME DISSAPPEAR NEVER TO EXIST AGAIN..PLEAS HAVE MERCY ON ME AND FORGIVE ME

PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND DONT CONDEMN ME TO AN ETERNITY OF PAIN AND SUFFERING

GIN.....WHAT IS RHHSSUEYEHKSKAUJDJKDJWJEJJEJEJJEJWJJRJDJJAKSJDIIE...IM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE

PLEASE DONT HATE ME

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

I don't own any of this photos credit to the original owners

#thoughts #negativeintrusivethoughts #self-deprecating #mental health #mentally drained #exhausted af #archive #late night thoughts

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dear-ao3 · 2 years

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attention friends, romans and countrymen alike.

i have a question.

first of all, no, i am not dead and left my blog to run off of queue for the rest of time. i am very much alive, just now at home because the semester ended and i had to make the terrible trek up through the damned state of delaware to my home, which took far longer than it should because a prime truck decided to not deliver things with its promised next day prime shipping (smh jeffery put your back into it). and since i am now at home i am slightly sad because i can no longer see brad whenever i wish, nay, i cant even text him whenever i wish because he is off galavanting in some european country or other having a glorious time leaving me alone by myself with my dog and my squishmallow, which has since been named dino de vito so thanks for whichever one of you sent that one in.

but anyway.

my mother has been trying and failing to convince me to crochet something for brad for the last few months (which is really a feat because she only found out at thanksgiving that we were dating) and i keep declining because 1. crocheting takes a lot of time an effort, 2. it costs money and 3. you should wait awhile before you make someone something because there is every possibility that they will hate you in a few months and burn all of your hard work into ashes along with the polaroid pictures that you took in a five guys.

now brad and i have been dating for like 3.5 months, which isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but we have lasted officially longer than taylor swift and jake gylanhaal did and considering she gave him a scarf when they had been dating for less time (yes i know they broke up and it was terrible and also the scarf is a metaphor for virginity and all of that and theres only supposed rumors that the scarf existed and she didnt make it it was one of hers anyway but the principle remains the same) i think that i can make brad a scarf.

now is this just to quell the pestering of my mother? perhaps. is this mostly because i miss my absolute himbo of a boyfriend and wont see him until january 27 because we have a stupidly obnoxiously long winter break? potentially. is winter break boredom getting to me? quite possibly. (seriously i have been home for less than 48 hours and have been covid tested 4 times in 4 days) in any case. i have decided that a scarf is in order.

will this cost me money? yes. but. i think that im getting paid one more time and also brad is a stubborn himbo with an unhealthy dose of toxic masculinity that manifests in him feeling the need to buy me literally everything ever (seriously one time he almost rejected the sandwich that i bought him as a thank you because he had spent far too much money on leggings that i didnt exactly need for me even tho it was literally 4.95) i think this would be nice. also we are planning to take a day trip into nyc when we get back to school and 1. it will be freezing and he has no cold tolerance and 2. he will once again insist on buying everything on said trip so the least i can do is make sure that he doesnt freeze.

i have a pattern for said scarf picked out. (and i also bought not one but two crochet hooks from michaels today but i had a coupon so it was fine. even though i haven't bought yarn yet but we will get to that.) it is very nice and i will not show a picture of it because i haven't purchased it yet off of etsy (yes that is right i am buying a pattern. i only every follow youtube tutorials or make something up but well i want it to look nice and this was a very pretty pattern. i must really love this man.)

but now. the question. the one that i said i needed to ask about 700 words ago.

is getting red yarn to make it from bad luck?

i only ask this because the scarf is red in the taylor swift song, all too well, which was referenced above, and she and joke gylanhaal broke up quite catastrophically after he stood her up on her 21st birthday, not that that will be an issue for brad and i as he will literally be in europe during my 21st birthday and would not be here regardless and also he would not have the scarf yet. but my mother thinks that he would look in "a nice cranberry red" or "a greenish blue." she is also outraged that he owns literally no colors and wants me to somehow fix that with this scarf.

these are the yarn colors that i have to choose from:

i personally like the red one more because he has a navy blue wool coat and i think that the red would look better with it and also he would think its funny that im giving him a red scarf because of his recent taylor swift obsession but i do not want to curse us so.

who has thoughts.

#not a tag #from saph #saphs himbo

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clementineesotsm · 3 years

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THE KING: ETERNAL MONARCH EP 6, My Appreciation and How It Made Me Feel

First appreciation of the beginning of episodes was the cinematography, the camera movements following PM getting out of car, and how they shoot 3 of them standing in front of KU building, they put a lot of effort and i appreciate that, aesthetic and necessary. I agree with what JTE said, Corea is a country you only see in fairy tale. I think they succeeded in making both country (Corea and Korea) have a different vibes. At least i can see the difference clearly. Traditional and Modern.

The scene inside the helicopter also my favorite, Gon and JTE PDA moment alongside with secretary Mo and JY facial expressions, i can feel them tough. Its probably the first time they saw their king do it. The backsound violin for this scene also not included in the official ost, i wonder why they robbed me like this 😅

Personally, i love kitchen a lot since i love to cook. Then here we got a chance to see the royal kitchen, and its pretty. All the plates, the knife, everything has Corea logo and how they show all of it in zoom in was incredible. Im amazed how comfortable and fancy it is. Gon is here to make meals for JTE but involved in a deep conversation because they speak not only what happen this day but about Lee Rim. The piano backsound that i loved fill the air in this scene, it definitely took me deeper into their conversation. Amazing.

JTE asked Gon to show her id because she needs to go home. I love JTE! No matter how glorious this world or this man in front of him, she need to go home. Fav JTE line “i cant beat that person anyway, whoever it is, that person must be from this world” im a bit mellow hearing it from her and seeing Gon facial expression. Fav Gon line “i have been carrying it around ever since you came here. I didnt show it to you because im afraid you will leave. But, you’ve already gone somewhere much further away than your world” i can hear Gon’s helpless voice here, and it breaks my heart.

JTE thinks its not make any sense that her ID exist in his world for 25 years. He told JTE how he get it and told her that his memory fading away but he feels that, that person will appear to him someday. “Because that person is either the beginning or the end of all this. It seems like a difficult question to solve, but there must be a simple and beautiful formula for it. And you are the answer i have been looking for” 👏🏼 im actually amaze on how KES make the line for Gon always related to his science guy background. Because that words of him about formula also said by Stephen Hawking which is also a science guy. And i think i also hear it in good will hunting. All science guy who knows physics or math must have this thinking. Loved the detail 💕

Just in time JTE about to go back to her world, a potential war with Japan. As Gon explain back in earlier episode, Corea has always in a brink of war with Japan. And its happening now. This war scene is actually shows how cool and good PM is at work. She is smart and brave to fight for the country, even with a room full of man that underestimated her. And actually she and Gon could make a power couple 😬 Gon is also a cool king though, i love his strategy here but im also as worried as Lady Noh on what danger could he got from involving directly in the war.

JTE ID is missing. Theres a thief in the palace. But Gon thinks about it differently, he thinks the thing that happens was meant to be and all set in motion 25 years ago. Im curious about it too. More homework for the audience 😎

I appreciate this camera movement of moment when JTE stand in front of Gon. The camera focus shot the King robe first then move the focus to Gon, as if they want to show us how JTE saw that this is one of his real responsibility as a King. That he is real.

Gon gave JTE the ID card of her that he has from 25 years ago. Gon promise to come back to her with honor. And this conversation was a bit farewell like and it still hurt

JTE “온다고?” (You said you will be back?)

Gon “기다려 줄 건가?” (Will you wait for me?)

JTE nods

JTE “또보자, 이곤” (lets meet again, Lee Gon)

Then Gon said “i thought my name was not supposed to be spoken, but i guess it was only supposed to be spoken by you”

This song “my love and i” is seriously sad. Give some sad premonition. Also imagine going back home while knowing that the person you care about was about to face danger in a war. I think this war was 1 of JTE turning point. She only can do 1 thing, wait. With no certainty whether Gon is really going to come back? Is he okay? Hows the war? . Not a single information she can get. She also describe herself as someone that never holding her phone as if she is waiting for someone. Until now 🥺 i kind of relate a lot with this feelings, it is the worst long distance someone could ever did. Thank god parallel world not real

I found the almost war with Japan scene is great though. Maybe because im not Korean, so i dont found any mistake here and also scene like this is not something related to real relation in real world. It was oftenly made in a fiction movie though. Just my opinion. This scene, the cinematography, the words, the dialogue and the messages conveyed well. I loved it. It is in line with the situation in Corea. Also i think 1 of the reason they choose this way to show Kings duty is also because their Kindom located in Busan and known as city near the sea, means they are the first protector of the sea. I also love the detail of statue yi sun sin as a symbol of power and they put it facing the sea. WOW.

As predicted, with good strategy. Corea won.

While the war and stuff happens in Corea, JTE is back with her daily activity as a detective and to an unsolved yet Lee Sang Do’s case, but with a new habit, waiting. I love how she was looking at the fence and hoping. Speaking of hope, JTE is a person full of hope and optimistic. Symbolize with her believes that a seed will grow in the space between 1 and 0 which is obviously impossible since there were no air, light and wind there. Gon try to tell her fact but she just go with her faith that this thing will work. If we never try, we never know. Which what makes me loving her character even more.

And she also plant the seed in a pot. Also having faith that is will grow beautifully. She said “i know you’re from a different world, but you should sprout. Your friends are in a much harsher place now” this line itself speaks on how much JTE worried for Gon and drives her crazy because she only could wait

I appreciate JTE that still working just fine eventhough she still pretty much thinking about Gon. As we saw her having a flashback of Gon in the middle of solving LSD case. So actually that night they have further conversation after the kiss. Gon asking her about what he is trying to prove with the kiss, the fact that he dated before or the fact that he is dating now. Gon helps JTE answer that he is in dating right now 🤓 because Instead of answering Gon question JTE prefer to ask Gon to open his shirt 🙃 flustered Gon being shocked is the cutest. JTE ask about the scar he has on his shoulder but cant really saw it now, because its awkward to open Gon shirt just like that and also no lighting strikes.

One of my fav line from this conversation is when Gon said “its more difficult to cross this line, than it is to cross the universe”

To be continue

#the king eternal monarch #tkem #kim go eun #lee min ho #woo do hwan #jung eun chae #kim kyung nam #lee jung jin #kim eun sook

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fuckingfinwions · 3 years

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it's pretty fucking rich of curufin to call the servants perverts for doing what he/his family forced them to do! omg! also i love the detail that sometimes fingon is just like 'suffer bitch' and doesn't stop curufin from getting his own self in trouble. i wonder what celebrimbor thinks about all the tension between the three of them--he must be terrified, poor bby. also i love the detail that maedhros believes in thematic/ironic punishment. i imagine he does it a lot to curufin esp when hes str

*stressed abt ruling the noldor and whatnot. i wonder if he ever directly tells curufin that if he actually put any effort into it that he *might* be the best sex slave/concubine? just to have more 'competition' btwn him and fingon? (and maybe its just a ploy, hes much fonder of fingon just for actually just getting on with it and not being so annoying). also maglor and his elaborate shows. maglor sounds insufferable. is he rlly perfectionistic and dramatic with his directions/ideas/visions? ver

*very particular and demanding? i can also see some really dark domestic humor with like, maedhros being like 'tf are my sex slaves' and it turns out they're all tied up in rlly weird ways running through 'rehearsal' for the 50th time that night or sthg and maglor is like 'oh damn its morning? i hadnt noticed' and ends up having a very very weird party a few weeks later full of avant-garde noncon horror that his pretentious artsy friends who all applaud his 'vision'. also i had wondered, if maed

*maedhros ever feels like he needs to punish nolo or fingon but in a more 'ironic' way, does he do it by forcing them to punish or touch eac other? like if fingon winces or flinches at jsut the wrong moment or something 'oh if i'm so disgusting then i'm sure you'd prefer him to rim you' and nolo is ofc desperate to fix the situation with his son hurt as little as possible. cant imagine curufin wouldnt be very upset too if celebrimbor is brought into his own punishments. cant see that ending well

Celebrimbor is rather terrified by the whole situation, but luckily, all of the other Servants are interested in keeping him safe. Curufin of course wants to protect his son. Nolo doesn't want this to be happening to anyone, and Celebrimbor is the only one he's currently able to make things less terrible for. Fingon thinks that Curufin deserves everything he gets, but Celebrimbor is innocent; and also that Curufin is probably bad at caring for people in general and a bad father. Curufin's defiance, coming at the same time when Fingon learns just how much his own father sacrificed for him and his siblings, just cements that belief.

In practice, this works out to Fingon teaching Celebrimbor a lot about both how to navigate life as a servant and just general socialization. Celebrimbor is torn between trusting Fingon's advice, because Fingon is acting like an older sibling/uncle and Celebrimbor misses that type of connection; and doing his best to stay far far away from Fingon, because Fingon hates his dad and might use him as a proxy, and also look what just happened with Celebrimbor's uncles.

(Also, I think just before he comes of age, Celebrimbor is going to decide he wants his first kiss to be with someone who is NOT Maedhros or Maglor. He might find one of the normal servants' teenage kids, or he might kiss Nolo, as the least scary option. Maedhros is unlikely to notice, and wouldn't be too upset as long is it didn't go any farther - there'd be a punishment along the lines of wearing a stimulating plug and a cage for a day.)

I like the idea of Maedhros encouraging competition, but I think he'd go for it sightly differently. "You always thought you were so special. So smart, could've been a genius at anything you chose, the only reason you didn't make a marvelous invention was because all the easy breakthroughs had just been discovered. But now I see you're mostly an idiot. You perhaps have a little natural talent at forgework, but with different birth could have spent your whole life making nails and horse shoes and never thought of anything greater. You can imitate if someone has already shown you the steps, but you have no creativity of your own. Nor can you figure out how to apply your skills to a new area, instead guessing blindly and patternlessly. Poor Inke, can't even suck a cock without someone smarter telling him how to do so."

Maedhros purposely avoided directly mentioning Feanor. That tends to just make Curufin more defiant, reminded of his pride and that he ought to be a prince. Also, Maedhros is not sure Feanor would actually approve of his actions, and Feanor's potential anger on his return is a bit of a mood killer. Being immortal, Feanor never felt a need to discuss in detail what would happen if he died and Maedhros took the throne. Maedhros is confident he's following Feanor's example, but some instructions might have been nice.

Curufin is now going to try and be the best lover Maedhros has ever had, purely out of spite.

Yes, dark comedy where Maedhros wants Fingon to ride him, but he's too exhausted from practicing double pirouettes where he jumps and lands with his cock an inch away from a spiked post. Maglor says it symbolizes the short distance between despair and desire. Curufin then fucks him using a strap on that he's wearing backwards (symbolizing fear of intimacy) while Nolo does the splits and fingers himself (symbolizing the loss of community in modern society).

Maedhros just thinks that, as king, there ought to be someone with enough energy to get him off the way he likes. Maglor says he's an artist, you can't expect him to make a masterpiece without using all the instruments. Maedhros is privately thinking maybe he should have made Caranthir crown prince, then he'd only be down two at once as Caranthir pretended to be a sadist rather than a masochist, or maybe one of the Ambarussa.

I think Maedhros ends making Nolo officially allowed to refuse sexual orders from Maglor it's been going on for longer than five hours. Also, despite Maglor's protest of artistry, if it involves nudity or genitalia it counts as sex. Nolo isn't Maedhros's favorite, but he's pretty enough, and both Curufin and Fingon would totally take advantage of the out.

Maedhros makes Nolo and Fingon punish each other sometimes, by making them be the one to inflict pain. But he doesn't use sex with each other as a punishment. They''re just so hot, he wants to watch them touch each other multiple nights a week, and he's not the type to make up new rules as an excuse for punishments. And the point of a punishment is that it's something the person involved dislikes, true, but it's also supposed to be something that they can avoid, so that you actually change their behavior. Maedhros likes ordering Nolo to kiss Fingon, and kiss a line down his body, stopping to caress every inch of him as if he's the most beautiful thing in the world. No one believes that Maedhros would stop ordering it if Fingon didn't disobey, so it doesn't work well as a deterrent.

Re: Celebrimbor being brought into Curufin's punishments, I had an idea for "power play" which I didn't end up using. Maedhros is trying to get Curufin to behave, and Curufin is being stubborn, and also insulting Maedhros. So Maedhros beats Curufin with a crop, then ties him to Maedhros's bed.

Maedhros sets oil and a very large set of anal beads on the bed. Then he draws the bed curtains.

"I'm going to have my dinner here by the fire tonight. Celebrimbor is going to bring it to me, and wait on me throughout. When I've finished eating, I'll check on you. If you have all the beads inside you and your cock hard, I'll send Celebrimbor away for the evening while I play with you. If not, I pull back the curtains, and he gets to sit by and watch you. Do you understand?"

Curufin nodded. "Are you going to gag me?"

"Why would I do that? I don't mind if your son overhears you moaning."

#fucking finwions answers #timeline branch: maedhros gets the concubines #servant nolofinweans au #basically Fingon thinks about ethics in terms of justice while Nolo thinks in terms of inviolable rights #it's more complicated than that and fingon wouldn't rape the feanorians if he was suddenly on the throne #because though they'd deserve it; inflicting uneccessary pain is Evil #but it's a fact of Fingon's life as it is that someone is going to be raped and better Curufin than Fingon or someone random off the street

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happikattwuzheere · 4 years

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the one where gansey befriends a deer: the au

hey remember that time ronan dreamed up a deer that was described with language suspiciously similar to how adam’s described, because i sure do!!! anyway

OK.

ok. so. this au’s actually evolved a lot since its initial already-pretty-fleshed-out inception one sleepless night, so me talking about it’s gonna be more than one post, but here’s the first one well actually the second technically yesterday’s warmup doodles were also from this au but i didnt talk about it at all so

and I’m gonna start with more or less the same pitch I gave to a couple people on discord

SO. starting out: it’s standard fantasy times, vaguely medieval but no specific time period because I don’t care enough to be digging into that quite frankly, but it is somewhere in England where this is happening. Story starts with just Gansey, Ronan, and Noah. Fey are very real and known entities and there’s been a conflict in England between the fey and humans, if not in the whole country then at least in the lands that the Ganseys are the lords of but probably the whole island tbh, and Gansey’s not inherited the lands yet but he’s going to and wants to maybe find a peaceful resolution to the conflict. It’s not open warfare by any means but it’s been a big problem.

To the effect of solving that, he heads to some little village that I haven’t named but it’s right next to a known fey forest called Cabeswater. This village has avoided being stomped by the local fey because, despite witches not being particularly liked by the nobility of the time, there’s a big old coven (the psychics of Fox Way, essentially) situated right by this village that’s kept things in check. Gansey’s made his excuses to his parents about why he’s officially going there but really he wants to talk to the witches and get a better grasp of the conflict from the people actually dealing with it. He and Ronan set out from home together, pick up Noah along the way--who is not a ghost in this AU, he’s a fey who owes Gansey a life debt, that’s a whole other post and THIS post is mostly about gansey and adam--but anyway they get to this village and NOBODY gives gansey the time of day.

the witches don’t let him into their house because they don’t like the nobility right back thanks and the next time he tries to visit Cabeswater won’t even let him get to the coven’s dwelling, the one witch’s daughter who regularly stops by the village for supplies and to check if anyone needs anything has a big argument with him the first time he talks to her so that’s going nowhere, and, well, the villagers are polite, but they clearly don’t take him seriously. He’s just the lordling playing at things and potentially meddling in their business to them.

So he starts hanging out just barely within Cabeswater, even though he knows that’s not wise, because he finds this perfect spot by a stream, and he’ll sit out there and think and work on the journal he keeps of all his thoughts and plans, and one day while he’s there has a straight up Disney princess experience when a deer stops by the stream and seems incredibly unafraid of him. he cherishes the experience but accepts that it probably won’t happen again.

and then it does. several times. gansey’s losing his mind. this deer??? apparently likes listening to him info dump?? it’s very therapeutic and also very magical and he’s amazed

a few times in, he names the deer “Pryderi” after a character from a welsh legend, because “such a handsome creature deserves a princely name,” [[muffled blue laughing and whispering “princely” in the distance]], and he tells ronan and noah about this experience but ronan doesn’t believe him at ALL.

one time after gansey’s particularly upset at how bad his attempts at getting along with the villagers, Pryderi actually lets Gansey touch him for the first time and gansey cannot shut up about it to ronan who’s finally like “i think you’re bullshitting me about this deer thing. im coming with you next time” and gansey’s like “well he’s a deer he might not show up if a stranger’s around and he doesn’t come every time i go down there anyway” and ronan’s like “this sounds like a lot of excuses, dick, you’re not making me believe you any more with this” and gansey’s like “>8\”

but pryderi does show up, and gansey is delighted, and ronan stares really hard at him and then goes

and gansey’s like what? nooo. but ronan keeps arguing it for the duration of the visit and the deer actually starts to look annoyed and at the end ganseys like ok maybe but i doubt it. and then hes like “well since you are a fey apparently (/sarcasm) i ought to say farewell with respect” and bows very mockingly and then the deer makes direct eye contact with ronan and bows back and gansey loses his shit

gansey continues meeting up with pryderi but even while his infodumping still happens it does so now with the knowledge that He Does Actually Understand What Im Saying, he may be a fey but he seems like a friendly one and hey that’s way more than gansey thought he would get out here, and also this deer is his friend now thanks,

he, ronan, and noah (who’s amused by Pryderi but keeps his main thoughts to himself for now) make some excursions into cabeswater, but the thing is noah’s not really native to england, he’s from the european mainland, again i’ll get to it in another post sometime, but. he can sort of help navigate cabeswater but not all THAT well so they get lost a couple times, and every time it does happen pryderi shows up and helps guide them out. there’s some very funny moments of a very jealous ronan getting into weird conflict w/ a very smug deer

anyWAY one day there’s like a festival, everyone’s drunk because its the middle ages and there’s not really a drinking age, gansey’s making another effort to make friends with anyone, and this one guy about his own age is like “ok look here i’ll teach you the folk dance everyone’s doing ok?” and gansey spends the night dancing w/ a handsome stranger, yes he will recognize the irony in the morning, but for now it goes. well badly because they’re both drunk but it’s fun, and then the guy says “ah, fuck it, i’ll finish teaching you next time we see each other” and gansey’s like “thats a little forward but ok!” and the guy (adam. its adam) panics and leaves while gansey’s back is turned and gansey doesn’t remember that last snippet of conversation the next day nor can he quite recall the stranger’s face. ronan does, because he was watching and not sure which of the two he was jealous of, but neither of them has any idea who the guy actually was.

and then like, 3 days later, gansey falls asleep at the spot he usually hangs out in in cabeswater and wakes up in the early evening just in time to hear people yelling and for Pryderi to burst into view with an arrow in his flank. he collapses in a bush. gansey snaps into “protect friend” mode and gets the hunters off his trail by being all “oh a strange buck? i saw it pass that way over there friend!” and then when they’re gone he comes back and is all “alright pryderi they’re gone, let me just--” except pryderi’s not a deer anymore. it’s a boy.

(Adam. its adam. the deer is adam.)

gansey takes him home, gets the arrow out, noah’s like “i mean he’s not a fey, i dont know what turning into a deer is about but if he were fey the iron in that arrow would already have him dead. he might be partially fey but so little that he’s human in the ways that really matter”, over the next couple days they figure out that pryderi is in fact from the village and is a young man named adam parrish who’s been labelled a changeling and is assumed dead since he was yknow shot, gansey decides for now its probably best to keep him that way, but adam’s not getting better--apparently even having had the arrow in him as briefly as he did has poisoned him, he’s desperately ill and on the third day is finally like “get persephone” so gansey tries again (he’s tried several times over these days, they’d worked out that to have survived this long he must have someone else with a small degree of fey blood teaching him the ropes and the most likely suspects are the witches, but he’s hoping adam specifically asking him to will grant him permission enough to go in) and runs into a very frantic blue en route who as soon as he makes it clear he’s got adam is like “move your ass over on that horse im climbing on too”

they get persephone, who turns into a fox rather than a deer, she saves adam, everythings cool except adam’s pissy now because he cant go back to the village and he has to give up on the attempts he had in the works to get out of town by working his way out and he takes it out on gansey who doesnt deserve it because this friendship is a mess, he’ll feel bad and take it back eventually but thats yet more posts ANYWAY YEAH theres our starting point

(also worth noting: due to cabeswater being Right There, p much everyone in this village actually has a small degree of fey blood, adam just won the genetic lottery)

tl;dr adam’s a fey-blooded witch’s apprentice and he’s been the deer the whole time and thats the start of this au ty for coming to this ramble

#longpost #trc #the raven cycle #lolsketch #gonna make separate posts w/ just the art in a sec #anyway i love this au with all of my heart its extremely self indulgent #deer boy au #because thats what ive been shorthanding it to

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the209social · 4 years

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2020

5:59pm 11.03.2020

Anson Seabra “Thats Us” on repeat

I have gone through my share of trials and tribulations over the years, yet if you would have told me that in 2020 i was going to lose close friendships, get my heart stepped on, have a breakdown and go through a scary health situation, i would have told you that you were crazy. There are no words that could have prepared me for the events that have happened to me in the last couple of months. To be honest they even shock me as i sit here thinking of them. Im in a state of disbelief, i sit here numb to the feelings that flow through me and all the events that have occurred.

Back in May my closest friend of over 15 years decided to stop talking to me. Basically i got ghosted by the one friend that i loved and cherished the most. Sophia was the one person that had been there through all the times i cried, laughed and felt depressed. I felt like i had lost a small portion of myself. Such a cowardly way to end a friendship if you ask me. No explanation as to why i wasn’t worth a conversation as to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and i was falling but just couldn’t seem to hit the ground. As time moved forward and i heard nothing from this so called friend i came to the realization that our friendship was really over. I can’t say that i took the time to cry because somewhere deep down in me i had hope that we could pick up where we left off. When people would ask me about her i simply smiled with pain deep in my soul and just told people that we didn’t talk anymore. One thing that i never did was talk ill about her. I don’t hold any grudges over her. I have nothing but good things to say about her because she held my hand through some of my darkest moments in life. For that i will always be thankful. I just wish she could have been upfront with me and given me a reason as to why she felt that our friendship was no longer worth continuing. Maybe i did do something to trigger these horrific events, but i will never know because words were never spoken to mend the situation. So i can’t sit here and pretend that im sorry because i don’t know the reasons why it all ended. With time i learned to stop wanting answers and as the months continued without a sign of slowing down i became contempt with the idea of not getting answers and i lost interest in fixing this broken friendship. Sophia has become nothing more than a memory of a beautiful time that has come and past. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but that’s it. I no longer desire to rekindle a friendship who held no value for me.

Around the same time that i was being ghosted by my friend i was beginning to fall in love for Luis, a guy that i saw potential in as a human being. For the first time in a long time i was feeling something again. If you follow my tumblr you’ll know that the last time i felt anything for a guy was for Romeo. It felt good to be liberated in a way from those feeling i had for him. It was a new beginning for me that i didn’t know how to go about it. I was tired of hiding my feeling but i was scared to tell Luis because he and i had formed a strong friendship. In the beginning of the year I literally bent over backwards for him and helped him through probably one of the toughest situations he had ever been through in his life. I thought he would take my actions and everything i did for him into consideration if i told him how i felt for him. I was tired of living in fear of expressing my feelings so i wrote him a long email telling him how i felt and how special he was to me. To be honest i had a tinny bit of hope that he would take a chance on me. I truly thought that he would see the potential in me and how willing i was to go the extra mile for him because i saw greatness in him even on his worse days. I thought that he would see that i was put in his path for a reason. Deep in my soul i wondered if Luis would see that i was one of the few people that encouraged him to become a better version of himself. Sadly it would not be meant to be. He never said he didn't love me in return, he simply said he wanted to stay friends. I thought we could have been something great together. I tried not to make things awkward between us because i was grown up enough to understand that i could still love Luis, even if it meant only being his friend. So there i was suppressing feeling for someone again. Oh yeah, and Sophia at one point had warned me that as soon as Luis was comfortable and not worried about the situation he was going through, he would set me aside because he knew how much i loved him and i would always be there regardless. Little did i know that those words would stick with me like an afterthought in the back of my head. So as time went by Luis, the man i had such a strong friendship with, and that knew i had feelings for him, started to text and call me less and less. There were nights where i wished he would call to just hang out and watch a movie and bake cookies like we use to do. I would watch his social media stories and i would see him hanging out with people that didn’t give two fucks about him. It actually made me feel worthless because i cared for his future and his well being but there is only so much you can do. As my feelings grew more and more for him i began to notice that i was the one that was always reaching out to him to hang out, to talk or simply text. I saw how he lost interest in my company so i made a decision that i knew would hurt me at first but that with time i would heal. I decided that i would no longer view his stories on social media, the less i knew about Luis the better. Also i decided that i would no longer reach out to him. I was not going to make the same mistakes i did with Romeo by giving him feelings and time he didn’t want or deserved. I came to the conclusion that Luis could care less and that i needed to be on the same page and be okay with it. So i stopped calling and texting him. It was my turn for him to miss me. Weeks would go by, even a full month before i would get a text from him just to say “hi, how are are you doing?” That was pretty much the most we really talked. It always felt like he was texting me out of boredom. I can’t lie. I truly yearned to hear from Luis at first, but as time went by i began to occupy my mind in other areas of my life that needed my attention. Areas that i had put on the back burner to please others or simply because i was busy giving so much love away that i forgot to also love myself. So i started to miss him less and less. But every so often i would come across his name in my phone or a picture and all those feelings i was working so hard to avoid would try rushing back. I learned to cry it out at night and let it go. So in the end my friendship with Luis has also dwindled into little moments full of amazing memories. Do i still love him? I would be lying if i said i don’t have feelings for him anymore. I care for him a lot and there are still nights that i stay up not being able to sleep because he’s on the back of my mind, but is it love? I think it was love at one point, but he showed me his true colors and how unimportant i am in his life. All i have for him now is good wishes. I hope he finds that happiness i know he is desperately looking for and that he learns from his mistakes to become that amazing man i know he will be one day. I hope he finds someone that is willing to love him as much as i did and is willing to ride through the sunny days as well as through his storms like i was. He actually told me recently that he met someone. I have to admit that it felt like being stabbed, not in my heart but in my soul. It hurt me to my very core and i felt a bit of jealous that this complete stranger that hadn’t put in any work or feelings into him, could simply come along and make him feel like she’s worth it and i wasn’t. But i realized that i cant force him to love me no matter what i do for him, the effort i put in or the feelings i show him. At the end of the day i want those that i love to also find a love of their own even if its not with me. As he was telling me about this girl he met i sat there looking into his eyes hoping he would not see the brokeness in mine. I smiled through my pain and his words that had shattered me inside and i wished him luck on his new relationship. That’s real love. For now, i’m okay with calling him a friend even though i wish it could have been more, but i rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

As my feelings for Luis were dwindling i began to fall into an area of sadness that i had never experienced before. In that sadness i found solace in my memories of Romeo. At first he would pop up when i felt the most sad. I would remember times where we had laughed or just shared something special. Maybe a party we both went too or a car ride where we sang at the top of our lungs to music we both liked. It was little things that came to mind. My mind would take me back to the long conversations that we shared about life in my room and in our cars, where we talked all night about hopes and dreams until the sun came up. I did not miss Romeo in a romantic way because i was still dealing with my feeling for Luis, but the more Luis ignored me the more space Romeo began to take in my mind. The more time went by i began to stop thinking of Luis at night and i began to think of Romeo. I must be clear that i missed Romeo as a person and as a friend. It got to the point where i thought about Romeo so much that i went onto his social media. There i saw a video of him singing a song that i would always request from him to sing when he would play his guitar at parties. I sat there hearing him sing this song with so much emotion that it brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I had forgotten how easily i got lost in his eyes. I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t it work out between us? Why doesn't it ever work out with the person i give all my love too?” Without thinking i double-taped his video. I could have taken it back, but i wanted him to know that i saw it and that i liked it. I wanted him to know that i did not harbor any hate towards him. Yes he did break me in ways that no man had ever done before, but time had made me grow and i had learned to forgive and let go. The more time that went by the more i called Romeo with my thoughts. I honestly believe that when you manifest what you desire to the universe it grants it to you, but it’s up to us to make something of the opportunity or it will simply slip away. With that being said during this time i had my routine of going to the park and jogging and walking with a great friend of mine. One summer day as i was walking around the park from a distance i saw a man by himself bouncing a soccer ball around and i immediately knew that was Romeo. I could spot him in a crowd of a million people. I can still remember his mannerisms and the way he moved and walked. I saw him several other times after that for about two weeks but i never took the initiative to walk up to him and attempt to talk things out. The want was there, i was just afraid of the outcome. I feel like he probably wanted me to take the initiative and speak to him first, why else would he come to the park again and again knowing that’s where i worked-out. Sadly when i finally worked up the courage to talk to him he stopped coming to the park and i never saw him come back. Things have to be done in the moment. I feel like the universe was giving me a big sign to mend things between us but i threw away the opportunity. Then i started jogging at the levee so i will never know if he ever went back. Still i couldn’t stop thinking that we could mend things and start fresh, begin a new friendship. One day that i felt extra sad i sat on my bed and began to compose a letter for him. I wrote from the deepest parts of my broken soul and i literally cried the whole time i wrote. I didn’t know if he had the same number so i decided to send it through DM on IG. He never opened or read it. I guess i thought that his friendship would bring me comfort, simply because it had once before and i was in need of someone that could calm my soul and bring me peace. I knew that he was one of the only persons that could make me feel at peace. I mean i couldn’t run to my friend Luis that i had feeling for because he was too busy living his life and not including me. I mean not even a call or text to hang out. The weeks went by and my hopes began to die that Romeo would actually open my letter and at least write “fuck you” in return. I had this stupid hope that we could be friends and start all over. Who knows what it would have led to but at least we would have had a fresh start, leaving the past behind us. I guess i’m a dreamer and i wish a little too hard. If it didn’t happen it’s for a reason and with all the things that had happened to me up to that point i learned to simply let go. After weeks of waiting for him to read my DM i finally grew tired and i simply went into the DM and took my message back and deleted it. Once again i had to move on from something new. I promised myself that i would never reach out to him every again and i would never go onto his social media, and i’ve kept my promise since that day.

As life attempted to teach me self value i had another friendship that i didn’t know was hanging from a thread. My friend Mimi’s birthday was coming up and the whole month i kept asking her what her plans were. She was one of my closest friends. I loved and still love Mimi with my whole entire soul, but there are actions in life that speak louder than words. My friend had initially told me that she wanted to go to Tahoe for her birthday. I asked her to tell me with time so that i could save up for the trip. I was excited to be able to spend her big day with her. She was important to me and she knows this. As the month came to a close she told me she had no plans and that at the most she would have something small at her house. When her birthday weekend came i reached for my phone to ask her what were the plans since she hadn’t told me anything. As i opened my phone, for some strange reason it took me straight to Facebook and a video popped up. It was my friends turning up for her birthday and at first i didn’t think anything of it. I initially thought that she was celebrating at another’s friends house. In my head i thought, “hey i’ll just hit her up and i’ll get an invite.” As the video continued i notice that it was not our friends house that she was at. I also noticed that Sophia was there. I checked to see if the location had been tagged on the video and it had. They were all in Tahoe celebrating. I had been left out. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was tired of being hurt by the people i loved the most. I turned off my phone and i felt this deep hurt in chest and knot in my throat. I was tired of holding so much in and i simply let it out and cried. I tried to reason as to why i was left out. I attempted to come up with scenarios as to why my very close friend would exclude me from celebrating her big day with her knowing that i was constantly telling her what the plan was for her birthday. So i came to the conclusion that she must of not known about it. Obviously her big day was planned by someone who didn’t want me there and i accepted that. What i could not understand was how did Mimi not find in her heart to text me and say, “hey i know you wanted to celebrate my bday with me but i didn't know about this surprise and i’m sorry you didn't get an invite.” Would i still have been hurt, yes. Would i have understood, yes. Yet that didn’t happen and i stayed hurt. When the day of her actual birthday came i could not bring myself to wish Mimi a happy birthday. Not because i was being petty or to prove a point but because i still felt so hurt and i knew that my birthday wishes would not have been sincere. I honestly thought she would reach out and we would talk it out. I really never thought she would stop talking to me. Sitting here and writing about this memory i cant help but cry. This one hurt a little different. After all the other things that i have gone through i started to just learn to let go. So i took the time to grieve and cry it out and i simply just let go. I don’t doubt she has people in her ear telling her that reaching out to me is not worth it. To be honest if it was that easy to throw me to the side and not care about me, i rather she never reach out. This just makes me think twice about who really is my friend. Im tired of always being the one to beg for friends and i’m tired of being the one to fix relationships. Im sorry if you feel like i’m not putting any effort into the situation, but i want to feel loved too. i want to see if i’m worth fighting for just as much as i would of been willing to fight for any of the people i have written about today. Am i worth it?

So much was happening in my life and i had so many feelings that i just didn’t know how to deal with them that i began to pick up old habits. I began to go out a lot and get plastered drunk to cope with the feelings of losing close friends. I would get drunk and flirt with guys i would meet at the club, then leave with them and hook up with these idiots i found cute at the moment. The alcohol was a way to numb the sadness i felt for losing friends and leaving with other guys was just a way to numb my feelings i felt for Luis. The drinking made me forget, even if it was for a moment. To top it off the day came when i had to get a surgery that i had been planning with my doctor for over a year. I told very few people about it. I usually put everything up on social media but this time i decided i would keep this to myself. There were risks going in and i knew that it was a delicate surgery. The week before my surgery i asked Luis to hang out and he responded by saying “Yeah ill definitely visit you before the 15th ill text you or call when i’m free lately everyone’s been needed my help.” It’s funny that every time his social media came up he was out on the boat or bike riding or hanging out with other friends. He was so “busy.” He’s the only person that i reached out to and asked to see before my surgery. Luis never made the time to come see me. That made me feel so worthless. Sophia’s words began to haunt me, “as soon as the situation that he was going through passes or gets better he’s going to set you aside.” Sophia was right, but when you like someone you put up with a lot of shit, but there is always a breaking point. The day of the surgery came. Even Mimi text me to say good luck. I responded with a thank you and i told her i loved her, she never wrote back. To be honest somewhere deep down i kinda hoped to close my eyes and never open them again. I just wanted to stop feeling everything at once. I went into the operating room asking the universe to just send me onto my next life. I laid there on the operating room table staring at the large lights that they use to operate. The doctor asked if i was ready, i just gave a sad smile, took a deep breath and closed my eyes hoping not to open them again. My surgery was suppose to take 2-3 hours. I ended up having to have two surgeries, had breathing problems while under anesthesia and i was in surgery for 10 hours. I woke up and opened my eyes, i felt no pain just some major soreness. Things felt different within me. I was wheeled to my room and my stuff was brought to me. My phone was full of messages and missed calls from actual friends that remembered i had surgery that day and they were worried as to why i wasn’t returning their text and calls. That night i decided that i would never again in my life let anyone control so much of my emotions. I promised myself to only love as much as i was loved and to only input into a relationship and friendship as much as the other person put in. I promised to make changes in myself and to slowly begin to let go of all the “friendships” that i felt did not add to my growth. It was time to match the energy others gave to me.

My recovery was faster than i expected. I had lots of soreness but no pain. The first week i needed a walker to get around. the second week i got stronger and i had my catheter taken out. On Thursday it will be three weeks since my surgery and i’m able to get out of bed myself and walk around with more ease. I can see myself healing so fast. Maybe its my new outlook on life and i cant wait to get out into the world and work on the new me. I want to build the few friendships that i have left and make them strong. I want to meet new people that want to live life and not spend it at house parties, bars and clubs. Don’t get me wrong those activities are fun but they should not be weekly thing. As for love, I don’t ever want to experience it again. I want to finish school, travel more even if it’s on my own and start having children and give them all my love.

Throughout these last months i know that i have gone through a lot, but there were also people in my life that made it bearable. I want to take the time to thank those few friends that kept checking in on me and invited me to be part of their special moments or simply call me to hang out and just talk. You all made life a bit more easy and for that i will always be thankful. It also made me realize what true friendship looks like. I love you all.

11:30pm

#2020 #Memories #life #heartbreak #losses #love story #memoir #stay strong #nothing is forever #hard times #new beginnings #new blog #gay blog #gay #lgbtq blog #life moves on

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ladyboltontoyou · 5 years

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Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 3

Ask: OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE READER IS A GIRL FROM A GOOD FAMILY, SHES WITH ARTHUR FOR A WHILE NOW, THE PARENTS WANT TO MEET HIM. THEY’RE HAVING FAMILY DINNER AND THE COWBOY MAN JUST CANT KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF UNDER THE TABLE oh my god if your request are open and you would write that i would probably, most likely die...oh btw i love the “farmer’s daughter” story OH MY GOD MAYBE THIS COULD BE THE NEXT PART AAAAAAAAH SHIT! okay okay i’m sorry i just got excited! love your writing, have a great day!

Warnings: Cursing, probably. Slightly public sex, ya get fingered at dinner ok?

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: YEEHAW MY FELLOW SLUTS! ENJOY! Also, idk what they called panties back then so I just went with panties, ok?

Two months later and you had fallen completely in love with the man. You both had told yourselves you wouldn’t let it get that far but it was nearly impossible. Every time you would see each other he had something to give you, be it a new drawing of yourself, wildflowers he had found out in the woods, or some suspiciously expensive jewelry that he wouldn’t talk about.

He hadn’t planned on any of it, really, but multiple times a day he would see something that reminded him of you and he just knew he had to take it. Even the jewelry he had stolen from the folks who were unlucky enough to start a fight with him.

After a while of successfully sneaking around the day came you’d both been expecting. Your father caught him.

It wasn’t in the way you’d thought it would happen, thankfully. He didn’t walk in on the two of you or catch Arthur climbing up to your room or sneaking out of it. It was more subtle and less suspicious. The two of you, like the fools you were, were out in broad daylight at the stables on your property. You would go out there regularly to spend time with your horse so you knew your parents wouldn’t question you being down there.

You should have known being that comfortable sneaking around was just asking to be caught. And sure enough, you were.

“(Y/N)? Who is this?”

You fucking twitched. When you turned around you saw your father standing behind you with a look of concern on his face and one of the stable boys watching the whole thing go down. You had given him some money earlier to keep his mouth shut and he sure was getting more than he asked for.

“Howdy mister!” Arthur waved and stepped past you. “Remember me? I stopped by here a while back to ask for some directions.”

Your father squinted and reluctantly shook his hand. Suddenly realization spread across his features as it all clicked. “Oh! Yes!” He laughed and clapped Arthur’s shoulder. “How have you been? Ever find your way?”

“Sure did, thanks to you. I was in town and was asking around, looking to buy some good horses, and a few folks told me you were the man to talk to.” You looked at Arthur with parted lips, in shock at how good of a liar he was. He turned a potential disaster into the most casual and normal interaction without the slightest effort. It was kind of scary.

Your father laughed and nodded, crossing his arms proudly. “You’ve come to the right place, follow me.”

Arthur tossed you a wink and you had to smile then, dumbfounded by how smoothly the whole thing went.

***

After your father had whisked Arthur away to the expensive section of your stables you went back home. Your mother was preparing dinner along with one of the ranch hands, which surprised you. When you questioned why he was there she explained he was making his mother’s famous gumbo, your mother insisted upon it after she had sent some over to your family.

When dinner rolled around your father made it back just in time, a surprise guest at his heels.

“Jane, you remember this man, don’t you? He was the fellow on the white horse who asked for directions to-”

“Of course I do!” She wiped her hands with a kitchen rag, walking into the main room where the two men stood.

You stood up from the kitchen table to watch the whole thing play out, locking eyes with Arthur who just shrugged.

“He came down today to buy a horse from us!” Your father said as he closed the front door behind them. “And to congratulate him on his purchase I’ve invited him to stay for dinner.”

Your mother smiled happily, it wasn’t often you had visitors that weren’t your families prude friends or relatives. “Good! We’re having gumbo tonight, Thomas is cooking his mother’s very own recipe.”

“Oh!” Your father raised his brows. “The one she sent over yesterday?”

“That’s the one.”

“Brilliant! I loved that.”

The two of them talked for a while before Thomas announced the soup was done and your mother went back into the kitchen to help him serve. Your father excused himself to wash up, telling you and his guest to have a seat in the dining room.

You sat down next to Arthur and gave him a look.

“What?” When he finally noticed you looking at him he furrowed his brows.

“How did you manage that?”

“Manage what?”

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “Come on. You’re the best liar I’ve ever met.”

Arthur shrugged, taking the glass of water that Thomas set down in front of him.

“You must not of met a lot of people then.”

“All right, then. Keep your secrets.”

He chuckled and set the glass back down on the table after taking a few generous sips. “Before we almost got ourselves killed, I was going to give you somethin’.” Another gift? He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. “Don’t let anyone see that.” He added with a whisper since Thomas had walked in with the rest of the drinks.

You smiled at him and slowly unfolded the paper in your lap under the table. Once you had it done you squinted before realizing it was upside down. You flipped it the right way and your face was suddenly burning. Your breath caught in your throat as you took it all in, quickly folding it back up when your mother walked into the room carrying the giant pot of soup.

The urge to punch him was strong. Why did he have to give that to you then? Why couldn’t he wait? You slipped the paper in the front pocket of your dress and cleared your throat.

Arthur chuckled and took another sip of water, smiling sweetly at your mother as she started filling everyone's bowls. “Thank you, ma’am.”

It was impossible to get the image out of your head. It was a drawing of you, completely naked, lying on your stomach with your head resting on your folded arms, your legs kicked up and locked at the ankles. You were looking directly into the viewer’s eyes with a wicked smirk on your face, some of your hair in your face. Once again you looked utterly magnificent, your body drawn in a way that accentuated every part of you perfectly. If it wasn’t a drawing of you, you probably would have gotten off to it. You probably would anyway, knowing Arthur was the one who drew it.

“What horse did you end up buying, Mr…”

“Arthur. The young brown mustang, think your husband called him Taro.”

Your mother nodded and sat down at the opposite end of the table when she was finally done serving. You wished she would let you help with dinner but she was firm in her belief, not allowing you or your father to help her in the slightest.

It was another ten minutes before your father finally joined you, taking his seat beside his wife. “Please excuse me, got carried away with my hair again.” He laughed and eagerly started eating. Your mother shared a laugh with him, chiding him lightly about how vain he was.

Most of dinner was fine, you all talked about the usual dinner subjects such as work, the weather, and town gossip. You barely paid attention though, the image of you drawn naked was stuck in your mind, along with the idea of Arthur drawing it. You wondered if he had done it in the heat of a lust filled moment or if it was just something normal to him.

What finally snapped you out of your thoughts was the feeling of a hand on your knee. You brushed it off at first, it seemed innocent enough, he had done it plenty of times before when the two of you laid together. It wasn’t inherently sexual.

But then he moved his hand lower, brushing his fingers against the hem of your dress. You looked at him with a subtle glance but he refused to acknowledge you at all.

Crossing your legs you tried to get him to stop but that didn’t deter the cowboy at all. He pulled your dress up just enough to slip his hand under the fabric, then let the hem fall back down over his arm. You wanted to curse him out but you held your tongue and tried to act as natural as possible, taking another spoonful of soup into your mouth.

“So, Arthur, you never told us what you do for a living.” Your father said after sending one of the kitchen maids to bring out a bottle of wine.

His hand traveled up to your thighs, his fingers gently rubbing circles over your skin. “Oh, well, it’s nothin’ excitin’. I work for a man collecting debts from people. Good money.”

“Oh!” Your father acted impressed, shrugging and exchanging a look with your mother.

“If that isn’t exciting, I wonder what is to you!” Your mother laughed and so did your father.

‘Maybe fingering your daughter five feet away from you.’ You thought as you shifted in your seat, thankful for how high the table was. If it was any lower surely they would see that the lower half of his arm was extended towards you.

Slowly, extremely slowly, his hand continued it’s journey upwards. You forced yourself to keep a straight face, even when you felt the tips of his fingers brush against your panties. ‘No problem,’ you told yourself, feeling him pull the fabric aside so he could touch you better. ‘No big deal.’

Arthur rubbed slow circles into your clit with a firm amount of pressure, but not quick or firm enough to get you anywhere fast. And he knew it, too. He ate his second bowl of soup just as normally as he did the first, showing no signs of the fact that his fingers were about to be stuffed inside of you.

You liked to think you looked just as calm as he did. You had finished your soup and were waiting for everyone else to so your mother could bring out dessert, and then you could finally leave the table. If only Arthur would hurry up and finish his meal.

The small talk carried on and left almost no silence which worked to your advantage. If they were quiet they probably would hear how fast your breathing had gotten, especially when Arthur pushed that first finger inside of you. You had to practically bite through your tongue to keep the moan silenced.

“(Y/N), you’re quiet, for once. Are you sick?” Your father joked and everyone laughed, including Arthur. That bastard.

“I’m fine, just like listening to you all talk.” You said quickly, surprised at how even and calm your voice sounded. Almost as if you weren’t being finger fucked.

That seemed to satisfy them enough and they carried on with conversation.

Normally at dinner, you rarely drank any wine, since you were never able to just have one glass. It always led to two, or sometimes even three, and you would end up passed out on your bed hours before you usually would. But tonight you happily drank, finishing the second glass right as Arthur had two fingers curling inside of you.

As hard as you tried not to let yourself orgasm you could feel it approaching rapidly. Arthur could too, noting how your chest rose and fell and how you were twitching around his fingers. He slowed down momentarily, allowing you to catch your breath, before he was right back at it, quicker than before. He had a hard-on of his own but with his belt and gun holster in the way, no one would have the slightest idea, even if they looked right at his crotch. Lucky him.

“Are we ready for dessert?” Your mother's voice scared you out of your wits and you jumped.

“Yes!” You laughed to draw attention away from the fact that you almost spilled your wine.

She left along with the kitchen maid, directing her to get together new sets of dishes.

His fingers curled quicker as he sipped on his wine, keeping his eyes anywhere but your father or you. Your father kept up the small talk, allowing you to give yourself the time to focus on having a discreet and quiet orgasm.

You slowed your breathing as you felt it coming, gripping Arthur’s arm under the table with your left hand as you curled your other hand into a fist around your dress. He looked down at you for a split second, savoring the sight of you as best as he could before he forced himself to look away as to not look suspicious. He gave you a few more deep pumps before you came. The heat and tingles exploded, rippling from your clit and inside your body to your entire form. You bit your lip and looked down, sinking your nails into the skin of his arm. The waves of pleasure that coursed through your body were enough to make anyone scream but you kept your mouth shut and posture still.

When it finally finished you sat back in your seat, running a hand through your hair as you sighed, wiping the sweat off your forehead when your father wasn't looking. Arthur smirked at you and you threw him the angriest glare you could, but you couldn’t keep it for long. When he chuckled you broke out into a smile and you had to look away so you didn’t laugh.

“Here it is!” Your mother said proudly as she carried the pecan pie into the dining room. “Took me all day!”

Arthur made a show of looking impressed and your father praised your mother's cooking to no end, telling her that she was the best cook in the whole west. She smiled proudly and served everyone's plates. Thank god you had already came and Arthur’s hand was back where it belonged.

“I’m going to make you regret that.” You whispered to Arthur as your mother talked about how hard it was to find enough pecans.

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x reader smut #arthur morgan imagines #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption x reader #red dead redemption smut #red dead redemption x reader smut #red dead redemption 2 imagines #red dead redemption 2 x reader #request #ask #myfanfic #farmersdaughter

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pinkbutterfly84 · 4 years

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Scorpion Season 1

I have watched Scorpion several times and thought I would post about each episode, favourite moments, quotes, thoughts questions I have!

This will be heavily quintis based as I love their relationship ❤

Not done this before so here goes.........

1.01 - one of the best pilot episodes I've seen was hooked from the start. Loved seeing the relationships from the beginning Happy and Toby had chemistry from the start

Sneaky cameo from the real Walter o'Brian, caring Paige, OCD Sylvester, Cocky Toby, Insensitive Walter and Snarky Happy

Question: is that how Eddie runs or does he run like that as Toby always makes me laugh?

Favourite scene - server scene with Happy and Toby it showed Toby's unique profiling skills

Favourite quote Happy " I hate you" Toby "no you dont"

1.02 - start to see the characters back stories Toby with his gambling, Walter and Megan, Happy being abandoned and remembering it and Cabe and the loss of his daughter

Happy seemed jealous of Toby keeping current with his ex fiancee

Toby bites his nails when he is nervous or worried you see it for the first time in this episode

Favourite scene - happy and toby in the truck talking about love

You see Happy sharing personal details with Toby starting to show the depth of their friendship

Favorite quote - Toby "Earl knows his way around a hoagie"

I love that Sly gives his pay cheque away money isn't everything

Loved meeting Megan bought out a softer side of Walter

Wished Toby was at the BBQ instead of gambling think he realised it was ok to move on from Amy

1.03 - meeting Merrick for the first time who doesn't like Scorpion

Happy assaulting a Marine is hilarious

Happy feeling up Toby to take money is a good insight into their future

Happy and Toby reading together is so cute

Favourite quote - "be determined to have a great day and you will"

"Mensa please there are pornstars in mensa"

Favourite scene - end scene Scorpion is a family like a Cyclone

1.04 - Walters interpersonal skills in this episode are seriously lacking from how he speaks to Toby to his flippant dismissal of the card dealer

The way Walter speaks to Toby is out of line gambling is a risk one Walter wanted Toby to take how is it his fault he lost the money. Walter said some hurtful things to Toby it must of hurt to hear them from his supposed best friend

First sign of Toby's attraction to Happy when he makes a comment about having worse views when following her in the vents

Favourite scene - Happy and Toby zip lining to the casino showed happy's skills she made it look so easy and the start of Tony saying 'oh my........'

Favourite quote - "I'm like a blind man at a peep show what's the point"

1.05 - I love this episode get to be introduced to Mark Collins and see Happy truly angry and Toby starting to understand how to help her

Favourite quote- "if this nuclear powerplant doesn't melt down the team might"

Favourite scene- the end scene with the look between Toby and Happy

To me this episode is the starting point of Quintis from the note passed between them to Toby defending Happy to Collins to 'that look' between them at the end. I think that look is when Happy starts thinking of Toby as other than a friend

Question - do you think Happy kept the note? I like to think she has a keepsake section of a toolbox and things like the note goes in there

1.06 - I like how this episode switches between the physic evaluations and the story. It shows how the team all rely on Walter and how much respect they have for him

I feel like Walter uses his lack of emotions as an excuse for his actions

Quick cameo from Hetty from ncis - the dress on Paige looked amazing

This episode also sees the start of Tony's obsession with Happy dressing up

First introduced to super fun guy Sly's love for the action hero is a great character arc

Favourite quote-"you cant make an omelette without breaking a few eggs" or "just starting to see the scope of what's to be done"

Favourite scene-Toby getting crushed by wine bottles gets me everytime

1.07 - The team meets Drew, Ralph's dad the first of several interlopers into the team

Toby's keen perception skills pick up Happys feelings on not knowing her dad. Happy shreds Toby's finding but obviously regrets it and puts it back together

Seeing how much the guys care about Ralph and the impact of Drew coming back is really sweet

Favourite scene- Toby listening to 'Brandy' and singing in the car. Downloaded this song myself love that this show opened my eyes to new music

Favourite quote- "I'm gonna slap it like ot owes me money" or "I'm so turned on" or "serious as a pink freen and dont call me Shirly, BAM that's how you do it Cabe"

1.08 - why does Toby seem so excited to go into a crime scene?

Toby working up the courage to ask out Happy is a very 'normal' fear it puts him out of his comfort zone

Toby in a suit looking fit!

Question - how do you think Happys date went? I like to think she calls Toby after as it went so bad that they meet and go for pie or something

Favourite scene- Paige singing Kat has a really beautiful voice

Favourite quote- Paige"so him jumping the fence" Toby "he's meditating"

1.09 - this episode gives you a back story to Cabes character and his strong family values

Walter has a surprising EQ moment giving cabe the letters Rebecca wrote

Favourite scene- there wasn't one scene in this episode that stood out for me but Robert Patrick's acting definitely was the best of the episode

Favourite quote- "dear lord thank you for this gift"

Walter seems alot more in tune with his emotions and understanding other his relationship with cabe grew during this episode

1.10- probably my favourite episode of season 2

Loved seeing Megan and Sly interact and there friendship develop

Happy must be starting to feel safe around Toby to fall asleep on his shoulder and let her guard down

Walter doesn't know how to process peoples emotions of grief

The end Happy and Toby scene shows Happy needs time and in her way asks Toby not to give up

Favourite quote- ' I'm Happy' ' and I'm dying but you don't see me telling everyone'

Favourite scene- Happy and Toby on the rocks where Toby is sorting Happy's ankle. Toby is being truthful about his feeling and Happy is not sure how to react so they default to there defense mechanisms of wise cracks and putting up a shield

1.11 - I hate to love this episode any episode where Sly is hurt shouldn't be such a good episode but seeing how each member of the team deal with his injuries gives a real insight to their characters

I would of really of liked to see Toby tending to Sly at the scene he always deals with these emergency situations well

Love Megan...... just saying

I like how Toby walks to Happys truck like being by her possessions soothes him

In so many episodes Toby supports Happy and provides comfort in his own way but on this episode Happy is there for Toby when he is struggling to process the events

More scenes with Toby in his underwear please 🔥

Favourite quote- 'I'm taking a minute' ' we dont have a minute' 'I'm taking one any way'

Favourite scene- the end scene where the team are reading comics around Sly bed

1.12 - there are not many episodes where I actually like Walter but this is one of them what he does to save the boy is amazing and shows he doed have feelings

One of the few if only episide I dont like Sly when a kids life is at risk his insecurities should take 2nd place

Love Christmas episodes even with Black sabbath

Does anyone notice Toby putting his hand on Happy's shoulder in the cave to comfort her

Happy always listens to Toby may not seem it at the time but you later find out she has like going to see her father

I wonder if Toby and Happy spend Christmas day together I would like to think they meet and grab a meal at Kavalskis or have a take away

Toby watching Happy leave the hotel room he knows exactly where she is going I often eat h the background scenes more then the main ones

Favourite quote- ' I watch you work sometimes' 'thank you for making this creepy'

Favourite scene- Ralphs present and where Paige gives out her Christmas ornament gifts so many funny quips

1.13 - 1 step forward 2 steps back with Walter this episode shows his naivety with Ralph

Happys face when Toby said he was going to use the van as a make out hut with a lucky lady is it a jealous face or a will that lucky lady be me face??

I love seeing behaviourist Toby just as much as the daft funny one

El Gaupo loves this Sly is hilarious

Favourite quote- 'your no good with your hands, your a spiller'

'I'm rocking so much adrenaline right now my blood is basically redbull'

Favourite scene- this is actually a deleted scene from the dvd out takes happy teaching tobyvto break into a safe and Toby showing her digital surgery shows them wanting to understand each other more

1.14 - love how the genius cannot fathom the text message could be a genuine love messsge

Another jealous moment from Happy the look on her face when Toby ask if the lady owns a catsuit very amusing

Walter looks so uncomfortable talking to Fatima even with Paige in his ear he is clueless

Toby and Happy both looking like they have made an effort in their looks in this episode perhaps for each other??

Question anyone notice how Happy and Toby always stand next to each other or offer yo work together??

Favourite quote- 'did they rush Mozart when he wrote a sonet'

Favourite scene- happy scaling the building 'because she's Happy freaking Quinn'

1.15 - Walter has very selfish view on Ralph potentially moving to Portland he thinks he is the only one who can help Ralph

Toby's skills shine in this episode his facial expressions are hilarious but he manages to stay serious to deal with the situation

Favourite scene- another episode I dont really have a favourite scene it's an ok episode not much Quintis storyline

Favourite quote- 'it's cold hard metal yet so delicate and beatiful' - anyone else thinks Toby is talking about Happy not what she has made

'Andrew' 'its drew actually' 'and Drew is short for what exactly Michael'

1.16- this is a turning point episode for quintis Happy realises Toby is truly interested in exploring something more with her and Toby realises Happy values their friendship and just needs time....... like half a day till the end of the episode lol

Love Paige's outfit would love to be able to pull that off

Favourite quote- 'love can be misspelled and messy it just needs to be given a chance'

Favourite scene- the almost kiss obviously- Happy finally letting her guard down reaching out to hold Toby's hand and almost kissing

I like to think Happy and Toby went out for drinks after - not a date but maybe to talk or Toby to talk and Happy to sit stoically

1.17 - the is a lovely Melvester episode it really shows the love develping between them and the last scene dancing us lovely

I find Walter particularly arrogant in this episode wanting to prove something

Toby's eyes following Happy as she walks up the plane small looks and actions between them hint at a developing relationship

Anyone notice how close Happy stands to Toby when he is sat on the counter they are definitely touching she may even be leaning on him

Toby is so worried about Happy he literally stands by the door waiting for her to come back

Favourite quote- 'a very embarrassed person I just got kidnapped by 4th grader'

'I'm dangling a human being by a bed sheet that is my status'

Favourite scene- where the team are waiting to see if the kid does runner everyone doubting Toby and his skills only to be proven he was right and profiled the kid accurately

I'm actually changing my mind the scene between Walter and Sly is really moving and shows how much they love each other

I always like to think what would happen with the characters after and between episodes at this point I think Happy and Toby would be spending alot of time together after the trips grabbing a beer and pizza getting to know each other away from scorpion

1.18 - an ok episode introduces ferret bueller the team pet

Happy's face when Toby stops the doctor from injecting Walter obviously likes tough Toby making a stand

Favourite quote- 'are we judging people on their past resumes as you were a departmental Santa to help pay for college'

Favourite scene- the kiss...... comes as a shock to us and Toby, he us clearly surprised doesn't know what to do with his hands. If you listen carefully you can hear toby hum in the kiss clearly enjoying it. Happy also doesn't want it spoiling by Toby's analysis hence telling him to shut up

1.19 - Toby leaves his hat behind doesn't want yo loose the present Happy bought him

Happy annoyed at Toby for trying to protect her she has been independent for so long having someone care enough to risk his life unsettles her and she doesn't know how to deal with it

First time Toby really admits how he feels even though he gets an extinguisher in his face Hapy knows what he is trying to say

Song at the end by the old 97's another great song not heard until watching this series

Favourite quote- I'm the gambling expert we be dating

Favourite scene- the last scene with Happy and Toby on the roof they dont even look where the paper plane goes they are going on a date!!

1.20 - oh dear poor Happy poor Toby what an idiot!

Toby being nervous is so cute but poor guy sleeping through his date bad move

I think that Happy wasn't quite in the right place to start dating Toby what he did was stupid but not unforgivable I think she wanted an excuse and she was too scared to get involved and risk getting hurt or risk their friendship and this gave her the perfect excuse to stop it before it went any further

Even when she is mad at him she still wants the closeness by standing next to him and he is the one assisting her on the bus

The fact Happy still calls him Doc 'her name for him' shows she still cares her anger is a defense mechanism because she finally opened herself up and she got hurt something she didnt think Toby would ever do even though it wast intentional

Favourite scene - Toby talking to happy in the bus opening up about his past and his insecurities

Favourite quote- probability theroy dictates you cannot predict the future with absolute certainty but this is an exception there is zero chance she will accept your appology

1.21 - not overly keen on this episode Walter was extreme in his reaction to Cabes secret especially considering his big secret!

Happy is still annoyed at Toby yet she walks over and keeps standing close to him when in the garage

Anyone notice how their actions start to mimic each other - both standing hands in Jean pockets it's like they are in sync with each other

Favourite scene- watching this episode makes me realise there is no favourite scene but it is a great backstory to the next episode

Favourite quote- 'lying billionaire says what'

1.22 - poor Walter doesn't deal with abandonment or trust issues very well

Toby is amazing saving Walter's life without actually touching him

Happy offering for Toby to come babysit with her, she's thawing towards Toby friendship is getting back on track

Favourite quote- 'that dont have the brain power of me with a hangover and him when hes sleeping'

Favourite scene- I love this whole episode keeps you gripped to the edge of your seat

Recap on Season 1

Favourite Episode - there are several which make my top episodes the episode in Bosnia, Love Boat but I think 1.19 is my favourite high action surrounded by fire with so.e lovely Quintis moments

Favorite Scene - Quintis first kiss a moment which had been building fir several episodes

A great first season building all the characters back stories this is my best season for Paige she is still genuine I feel as seasons go on she looses who she was.

I love the Megan and Sky story 2 damaged persons one physically one emotionally finding love

Walter I cant gel with the character I know he is the leas but I find him condensing and arrogant (I'm sorry not a popular opinion I'm sure)

Quintis- this season is all about building their backstory to their relationship they are both emotionally damaged by their pasts. They start as work colleagues and friends, grow to best friends who learn to share and rely on each other and stronger feelings develop.

Toby realises his feelings first and is more open and honest about them, Happy is slower on the uptake and reluctant to be a thing more then friends as she doesn't want to risk what they have. Eventually she gives in to her feelings that kiss and arrange a date. Things dont go well and she quickly retreats back to Angry Happy. After such a close ckmall with Walter I think she realises life is too short and seemingly forgives Toby asking him to babysit with her..... what happens then is left to our imaginations - I like to think they go back to the garage Toby needs someone with him that night to prevent him gambling and Happy knows this. He struggles saving his best friends life not being able to physically help. I think they talk like old friends Toby doesn't push it as he knows the time isnt quite right and they have a night if beer, pizza and chat

Let's see what Season 2 brings .............

#toby curtis #happy x toby #team scorpion #scorpionedit #toby x happy #eddie kaye thomas #jadyn wong #cbs scorpion #SaveScorpion #happy quinn #quintis

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langst-wins · 5 years

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the last thing i'm gonna say about voltron, unintentional queerbaiting, and major s8 plotholes, and then imma shut up and let y'all be free from my long bitch ass s8 posts so we can get back to regularly scheduled klance fanfics & fanarts

yes, they queerbaited us with shiro as rep. not in the sense that he wasn't queer but in the sense that they hyped us up for his relationship with adam, made us think we were gonna see an adashi reunion, and we ended up getting like 90 seconds top of LGBT content over the entire series.

no, I highly doubt they did it intentionally. yes, they did admit they fucked up and apologized several times. yes, I appreciate the apology and I understand that they're human beings and people make mistakes and overlook things sometimes. like they said, they never meant to make anyone feel baited. they really thought they were going to get a good response. lauren called voltron a "learning experience" in the open letter to the fandom after s7. I think she meant learning experience in general ofc but I think she also meant they've learned how to and how not to do LGBT rep in a show.

but I will absolutely be taking any promises of LGBT rep from lm and jds with a grain of salt. i will absolutely be watching their future works from afar and not getting myself too invested until the series ends and I can watch it as a whole while knowing what to expect.

I dont think they MEANT harm but y'all...they fucked up. they know it, and they apologized. it shows maturity that they apologized in that open letter after s7 and at the final nycc panel, and again, I appreciate that.

but I would rather they have not said anything about LGBT rep, ever, and just let gay shiro be a nice surprise. then, the minimal rep we received would have been wonderful and a nice warm surprise instead of a huge disappointment. it was only a disappointment because it didn't live up to the hype they made for it. and I know the hype was partially due to marketing they had no control over, but it was absolutely partially them, too.

they didn't promise LGBT content in LoK and canon korrassami ended up being a nice surprise even though it was minimal. that was how they SHOULD have done shiro's sexuality if they knew it was going to be a small thing. I would rather they have kept their lips zipped about LGBT, not announced gay shiro ahead of time, and just it be what it was when seasons 7 and 8 came out.

again, I dont think the bait was intentional, but it was bait all the same.

you are not crazy or too sensitive if your feelings are hurt/you feel baited by this show. you are not a shitty person if you just dont trust them right now. dont let people tell you otherwise. it's okay to take a step back from their work and wait to see how their next show plays out before you get involved.

i really do love voltron, even though s8 was confusing af, seasons 1-7 were LIT. I enjoy bits and pieces of s8 but mostly it was a let down. not only because of rep, just because a lot of things didn't make sense to me and a lot of the problem solving just felt way too convenient.

like I feel like every conflict in the plot was resolved way too easily and/or in ways that didnt make sense. and I feel like most of the characters' futures in the credits didnt really match up to those characters personalities. specifically lance, hunk, and keith.

lance staying on earth with his family, spreading allura's message to carry on her legacy? makes perfect sense, valid af. lance becoming a farmer? not so much. I feel like he would have been better suited as teaching classes as a pilot instructor at the garrison or smth similar. altean lance still gave me whiplash and left me confused af but he looks so damn 👌👌👀👀🙌🙌😭 with his cute ass altean marks that I'm just gonna let that one go for the sake of aesthetic.

hunk becoming a chef? not ooc necessarily but I feel like he would have been better suited as a diplomat. y'know. ambassador to earth sort of thing.

keith aiding in recovery efforts and being a humanitarian (...alien-itarian...? idk). okay let's be real we all knew this edgy boi has a soft ass heart. I think hes just mature enough now to let his walls come down and not be afraid of caring ig. which is sweet and nice and all. but I feel like he wouldnt...JUST be doing that. like he would still want the battle and the adrenaline and the badass mf fight sequences. that's kinda his Thing.

shiro marrying a rando? I would have preferred adam to not die and them end up getting back together once shiro returned to earth. i just feel like there was no reason to kill off adam? shiro has already suffered so much, what was the point? but i'm not gonna hate on curtis bc we dont know jackshit about him and for all we know he could be a bombass dude. shiro looked happy tho and it's better than him being forever alone so I can hesitantly accept that ig. but on one condition and one condition only: their ship name must be shirts. if their ship name is not shirts then I dont want it

allura's death was pointless. i havent seen anyone disagree with this one so far. her life was full of suffering and then she died. like can we all just agree she was done dirty and it was entirely unnecessary.

dont come @ me with "you just dont like s8 bc your ship wasnt canon"

that's not it at all.

they could have made this season so amazing and still not have made klance canon. they could have left me disappointed in no klance but still happy because the finale made my heart go dynamite BOOM. I could have ended the last episode with no canon klance and still been smiling because the plot was bitchin' and the characters were all alive and happy.

but they didnt, so I wasnt. it just...wasnt a good season. it had good aspects, yes, but as a whole? meh.

season 8 was poorly handled. it really was. it had so much potential to end with EVERY character having a positive ending and still have an actual satisfying conclusion to the war. I know they wanted to show how heavy and serious and heartbreaking the war actually was, but you can make an emotional, heavy finale without killing off a main character and leaving her main character love interest lonely and grieving. like im sorry killing allura and leaving lance sad and lonely was not necessary at all to the plot it just flat out wasnt. they did those characters dirty and they did allurance shippers even dirtier.

allurancers cheered seeing their ship canon then had it ripped out from under them and my heart honestly grieves worse for my allurance and allura stan fam than my klance fam. they did y'all so wrong and i'm sorry it had to go down like that.

sheith shippers got fucked over when all that development and relationship and growth culminated into basically nothing in the final season. like as a broganes stan even i was taken aback by the sudden radio silence between them so I cant imagine how let down actual sheith shippers feel.

us adashi shippers? obvious. adam's death was not necessary. and dont tell me it was to show the heaviness and realness of death in war because vld does NOT have a track record of dead characters staying dead. they could have at least gave us some mild development with shirts (lmfao im so sorry but shirts) and let us see more of curtis as a character. like...literally just two 60 second scenes would have been nice. they could have easily fit that in.

us klancers got fucked over by unnecessary parallels to canon ships. they could have made it a cute platonic friendship in s8 and let us enjoy it and proceed to enjoy fanon klance without all those blatant parallels to shay/hunk that just left us confused. and the parallels in earlier seasons. like why did you have to make so many parallels to romantic moments and romantic tropes if it was platonic. why did you have to go and do that. what was the point.

s8 could have ended in such a way that shippers of every ship in the fandom were satisfied with the finale because their faves were treated right and the plot was fire. it had so much potential in the first half and could have been so damn good.

it wasnt though. the entire thing was so confusing and nothing about it felt like vld. It feels like a spin off or a reboot. I dont like s8 as a whole and I doubt I ever will. it might grow on me in time but I'll never fully like it, y'know. everything about it felt so tilted and off and just wrong.

but it really just be like that sometimes ig.

#i wont be responding to comments on this #feel free to send an ask w your thoughts #but no promise i'll answer it #klance #voltron #sheith #allurance #adashi #vld

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extremelynormalblog · 5 years

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Q/El dancers AU

@goseaward asked for: “Quentin/Eliot as dancers, Q has always thought he's straight then Eliot...”

(”Three scenes!” I told myself, and then.... This. Obviously AU - Q is NOT a dancer by any means. Explicit!)

Now also on AO3!

“Jesus, Alice, I’ve been hanging out in dressing rooms with naked guys since I was, um, 7 years old. You don’t think I would know by now?”

Q takes a deep drag of his cigarette, jumping from one foot to the other lightly to try and keep his muscles warm despite the cold air on the rooftop.

“That’s actually a very common misconception,” Alice says, because of course she does. She doesn’t seem cold at all, bundled up as she is in her giant coat and scarf. “But sexuality is fluid, Q. Just because you were never attracted to guys before doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to guys now. Or, like, to one guy, I suppose.”

He sighs. Alice waves the smoke away from her with a disapproving frown.

Q stubs out his cigarette onto the wall and puts the unsmoked half back into the pack. Their break is probably almost over, they have to get back down to the studio. “I just feel way too old to be having a sexuality crisis,” he mutters.

“Well, first of all, no you’re not,” she counters. “And second, it doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can be like, a sexuality awakening, or just, I don’t know, an exception. It doesn’t have to-- This could just be a good thing, a new thing, if you stop being such a Q about it.”

“Hey!” he exclaims, but her eyes are fond when he looks up at her. Fuck, Q loves Alice, he really does, but he wishes she weren’t always so right about everything.

“See you at the bar, Q!” Eliot calls as he leaves, Margo tucked under his arm. It isn’t a question - it doesn’t need to be a question, because of course Q will be there, just like he’s been there after every single rehearsal since the beginning of this crazy project that’s brought both their companies together.

It makes no sense, on paper. A contemporary dance/puppetry/theatre company and a ballet company in the same show, that’s just not how you do things. (What you do is, you take the classically trained ballet dancers, the Eliots and the Margos of the world, and you teach them how to do the other stuff, the stuff that regular people have been training their whole lives for, and then they do it perfectly because life’s unfair like that.)

But apparently Mayakovski had insisted, and Fogg must have seen the potential, and they were right - it’s becoming clearer and clearer with every new rehearsal that it does work.

It’s hard not to see the parallels with Quentin’s own situation.

Eliot had taken to him instantly, for some reason Q couldn’t fathom - Eliot, who was clearly the king of his group, who was tall and lean and handsome and naturally graceful and everything that Q wasn’t despite working so hard at it; Eliot, who made Q feel, more than ever, like he was out of place and didn’t quite belong.

But when they moved together, it just made sense, in a way that took so much effort when Q was partnered with someone else, even Alice, who he’d been working with for years and years now.

And Eliot, who’d seemed so haughty and unapproachable at first, had opened up to Q like it was nothing. He’d shared his own struggles and offered up his advice and his praise, and Q had drunk it all in, and one day he’d been looking at Eliot’s red, sweaty face across the studio, and Eliot had caught his eyes and smiled at him instantly and waved across the room, like he was so happy to see Q looking at him, and Q had smiled back before he could even tell he was doing it and he’d felt so pleased and bright and warm and like he wanted to-- Ooh.

“So, are finally you going to talk to him?” Alice asks, making Q jump.

“I don’t know, Alice,” Q says. “What if I’m reading this all wrong?” He doesn’t think he could keep dancing with Eliot every day if he put himself out there and Eliot shot him down.

“Oh, Quentin,” she says. “How can someone so smart be so wrong so much of the time.”

Yeah, my point exactly, Q wants to say, but then she’s grabbing his arm and pulling him out the door in the direction of the bar.

“Wait, Eliot, before we-- I don’t know if I’m-- I mean, I’ve never--,” Q stutters out, much, much later, against Eliot’s lips. He’d drunk enough that he’d had the balls to ask Eliot up, and then to kiss him, soft and awkward, and Eliot had looked at him with surprise and delight and kissed him back, steady and sure.

Now they’ve been kissing so long that he’s sobered up, and his mouth feels swollen, raw, and the skin all around it tingles from Eliot’s stubble. It feels fucking amazing. Q would like nothing more than to shut off his brain and keep being kissed by Eliot like this, possibly forever, but.

“That’s okay,” Eliot says. His hands run through Q’s hair again, nails raking against his scalp, making him shiver all over. He’s pressed up against Q, caging him in against the wall of Q’s tiny apartment. Q has to stand in relevé to reach him properly. He will probably regret it tomorrow when his calves cramp up, but right now...

“It’s just... All this time I thought I was straight,” Q’s confesses.

Eliot takes a step back. His mouth looks swollen, too. He’s breathing hard. Good, Q thinks.

“Q. Are you enjoying this?” Eliot asks, eyes intent, voice kind.

Q nods. ‘Enjoying’ feels like an understatement.

“Do you want to stop?”

Q shakes his head frantically. “Fuck, no, please.”

Eliot’s eyes darken at that, and he steps back into Q’s space. He leans down a little, brushes his lips against Q’s ear.

“How are you feeling? Are you hard?”

Another shiver runs down Q’s spine. Fuck, he is so hard, it feels a little like he might come before Eliot ever actually touches him. He wraps his arms around Eliot’s torso and cants his hips forward, pushing his cock into Eliot’s thigh, trying to show him what he can’t tell him.

“Oh yeah you are, aren’t you,” Eliot whispers. “You are so hard for me, baby, and I’m going to make you feel so fucking good. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.”

Q whimpers at that, a high, needy sound he’s never heard himself make before.

“Fuck, Q, listen to yourself,” Eliot says, and then he’s kissing him again, engulfing Q into his arms, taking him over, pushing his leg between Q’s thighs and almost lifting him off of the ground, and Q wants nothing more than to let Eliot lift him up, to surrender to him, to let Eliot kiss him and touch him and hold him and give him all the things Q never even knew he wanted, before Eliot.

“Are you sure,” Eliot asks, a little while later, when they’re both naked on top of Q’s covers. “It’s okay if this is more than you signed up for.”

“Shut up, I’m sure,” Q says, even though somewhere in his brain, a voice is still screaming “If you do this you can never call yourself straight again!”

It’s a very small part, though, and it’s sounding further and further away with each second that he’s looking at Eliot’s dick and fucking salivating.

“You don’t have anything to prov-- Oh, okay, alright, fuck!”

Eliot stops making sentences then, when Q puts his mouth on him - on Eliot’s dick, and fuck, this is it, Q’s got a dick in his mouth and he’s fucking-- he’s loving it, because it’s making Eliot sound like this, raw and uncontrolled and real, like Q doing this is stripping all his carefully cultivated layers, like maybe Q is making Eliot feel as out of control as Eliot’s made him feel, ever since the first time he opened his mouth and said Q’s name.

He tries to fit as much as he can into his mouth but it’s not that easy; Eliot’s fucking big. Q knew it intellectually (you don’t dance with someone for weeks without finding this kind of thing out) but now he knows it, he’s learning it with his hands and his lips and his tongue.

“Don’t try to--” Eliot starts, and Q lets him go and, feeling bold, says: “Yeah, teach me how to suck you, El.”

Eliot groans. His dick jerks, leaving a wet trail on his stomach.

“I knew you were going to fucking kill me,” he says. “Okay, come on then.”

He talks Q through it, and it’s the hottest thing Q’s ever experienced – Eliot’s voice, low and rough, getting breathier and breathier as he guides Q step by step – “Use your saliva, make it wet,” and “Move your hand, tighter, yeah, like that, oh god, just like that, keep doing that,” and Q shuts his brain off and follows along, blissfully, listening to the music of Eliot’s voice and just moving, just like dancing, until Eliot suddenly tenses and says “Oh god, don’t, don’t, you’ll make me come,” and Q does it anyway, pushes down with his finger right there, and Eliot’s whole body jerks, uncoordinated and graceless for the first time, and he shoots right into Q’s mouth with a long moan.

“Mmpf,” Q says, vaguely panicked. He thought he wanted to swallow when Eliot came but now he’s not so sure.

Eliot is there in a flash, though, hand extended in front of Q’s mouth, laughing a little. “I know right? Spit it out, it’s okay,” and Q does gratefully, his face burning. Eliot looks around for a second and then wipes off his hand onto his discarded tshirt with a shrug.

“You okay?” he checks.

Q nods fervently. “Fuck, yeah. That was, uh. Fucking amazing, El. Thank you.” He can taste Eliot with each word he says. Licking his lips makes him shiver.

Eliot shakes his head incredulously. “You’re incredible,” he says. “Come here, this was supposed to be about you and I haven’t even done anything for you yet.”

‘You have,’ Q wants to say, but Eliot is pulling Q across his lap, and Q goes eagerly, straddling Eliot’s legs. He bends down to kiss him, and Eliot surges up to meet him, putting one hand around Q’s neck and the other on Q’s dick – oh yeah, he’s still hard, he’d almost forgotten about it, he’d been so focused on Eliot – and he strokes him hard and fast and just right, and it takes no time at all for Q to come, spraying Eliot’s chest, rocking and whining through it, making Eliot fall backwards onto the bed when he collapses against him, spent and breathless and fucking ecstatic.

“So,” Eliot says a while later, as he’s tracing idle patterns up and down Q’s arm. Q’s lying with his head on Eliot’s chest, their legs intertwined. They should really be asleep – Mayakovski and Fogg will tear them new ones if they can’t keep up tomorrow – but Q’s brain is fighting sleep even as his eyes are closing inexorably. He doesn’t want this to end.

“Hm?”

“You still worried you’re straight?” It sounds light, like it could be a joke, but Q knows it’s not from the careful way Eliot’s still touching him.

He thinks about it.

“I don’t feel any different,” he says truthfully.

Eliot hums.

“Maybe I was never really straight,” he sighs. “Or maybe Alice is right and it just doesn’t matter.”

He shuffles against Eliot, drawing the sheet up over them both and settling into a more comfortable position. He can feel himself losing the fight against sleep. He hopes Eliot’s set an alarm. He hopes Eliot wants to do this again.

“Alice the wise,” Eliot murmurs, and Q nods, and then he’s gone.

#queliot fic #the magicians #i made this #meme fill #goseaward #quentin x eliot #one day my ficlets will stay short #also one day i will stop writing dancing AUs #but clearly not this day #though this is only a dancing AU in the loosest of terms #anyway enjoy :D

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parkaiur · 5 years

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Final Thoughts on YGTB/The Lineup

... well let’s just jump right into it shall we?

ok.. this show was a waste of time and a waste of all my fucking emotions. the only reason i put up with YG’s bullshit is because I thought team a+jihoon would debut, but yg is too fucking stupid to do that so : )

anyways, let’s get into the reason why this show is trash :)

first of all, the emotional trauma all the boys have been put through?

there are 28 trainees, they all thought that the debut group was going to be 5 members... imagine how stressful and scary that must be for all of them. once they split from their respective teams, they were all heartbroken they were being split from their friends? seriously... what was yg doing breaking such strong teamwork in ALL the teams...

the reason why ikon was, and is, so popular is because of their strong teamwork. people are connected to the bond between the members and it shows when people have been through a lot together

moving on, there are literally 13&14 year old kids in this show... like c’mon, what i was worrying about at 14 was if my friends had the same lunch as me.. :/ and on top of the trainee life, they’re forced to be split from all their friends... these poor dudes

AND THE EDITING, OH GOSH THE EDITING

for the ENTIRE show, YG depicted team a as the “bad guys”. first from when yoonbin and yeongue lost the 2:2 battle. so many people got upset, saying that it was a popularity battle when in reality, they had the smallest gap out of all the teams... hah .

they also edited out byounggon’s rap in the Im Not Sorry performance which caused ppl to think that only Seunghun controlled that stage, when in reality, both of them chewed up the stage.

im not even going to mention how initially Yoonbin x Keita’s rap battle was edited out before they were hella popular cuz yg is a fucking snake and there are SO many examples as to which this happened so i’ll only name a few

next, THE FINAL GOING CRAZY PERFORMANCE. the focus was SO obviously on Jaehyuk when Hyunsuk started to rap ... like cameraman... the rapper was Hyunsuk, not Jaehyuk... pls ... also, when jihoon was singing, the cameraman panned to junghwan... i think im starting to predict something : )

anyways, Doyoung and Jihoon were both edited out of their FINAL PERFORMANCE ON THIS SHOW??? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Doyoung choreographed that dance YET his solo in Earned It was edited out?? and Jihoon was just edited out completely??? i thought we would FINALLY get to hear both of their stunning vocals and ... nothing .... it’s obvious only yg’s favorites gets aired

now, mentioning all of team a+jihoon being mistreated, i kept up with this fucking show because i thought yg was just trying to rile up fans and would debut them later.... I WAS WRONG.

all silver boys can either write songs, produce music, and choreograph... yet he chose some members that cant... im not saying that Haruto and Junghwan are untalented, when I think they’re very good at what they do, but theyre just so young and have so much more room to grow. YG chose these members because of their potential .. but he refused to debut boys who already have honed their potential ... wtf

YG obviously only used Silver Boys as a way to gain popularity for this show, and it’s not sitting well with me. tons of fans have been waiting s o l o n g for these boys to debut, especially last year in the Stray Kids survival show and Mixnine. they had fans who were dedicated and saw their talent, and were waiting for them (i am one myself). and when YGTB was released, it seemed like the perfect show because it had all my favorite boys ! (ok most im looking at you jeonwoong, raesung, and noa)

but then yg turns around and pulls this ... this on us...

seriously come at me for saying this cuz im going to delete my account soon :/

ALSO ive seen so many posts telling Silver Boys stans to like calm down ?? and to not hate on the members... let me get this straight, IM NOT HATING ON THEM. Simply saying someone is too young and inexperienced to debut is NOT hate.

Also, yg expected this happen. he knew junghwan (and even haruto) would get hate and backlash and he debuted them anyways... seriously if that isnt the definition of cruel. he just wants to stir up the public and honestly idk if it’s going to work this time since so many people are upset. yg SAW the online voting which, if you didn’t know, had 300K votes for the Silver Boys, yet he still didn’t choose to debut them... wow

if yg’s target was younger fans... he got them. but im just saying this now, all yg groups have older, more mature fans, and what i’ve seen from this fandom is not that. yg just lost a veteran yg stan but he doesnt care does he now

also , dont console SB fans when you’re just trying to defend your faves. and when i say console, dont say “omg just support the group! you have to stan forever or else you’re fake>:(” like... NO. you actually dont have to stan a group you dont like ??? i have freedom ?? LMAO

plus raesung coming to the final show made all of us VERY emotional and we wanted a happy ending for our boys, and we didnt get one. which obviously crushed us, so just,,, back off for a moment and dont try to make us feel worse about what’s happening right now

anyways, yg basically debuted a group with visuals (as of right now) and it’s making me sick. i didnt think he was taking the visuals things seriously but seeing this lineup? he obviously was. and no, im not saying that visuals dont have talent just to be clear. im just saying that there are people who are “not visuals” who are just as talented.

my predictions for the next three members? It’s Yoonbin or Hyunsuk, Mashiho, and Jaehyuk. why? they’re all yg’s favorites and are visuals.

im not in the mood for discussion just come in my inbox if you’re going to talk about Silver Boys or about how nice your day was cuz i need to either distract myself or mourn ;-;

also the immense guilt that silver boys stans feel right now is uncontrollable... we tried so hard for so long yet our efforts have fallen through... and not only do we have a bond towards our boys, but we have a bond with each other. Us Silver Boy stans have also been through a lot together and when you solo stans were running around, we were getting shit done. we fight for the SB boys and we fight for each other, dont think we are going to stop now <3

#yg treasure box #ygtb #unpopular opinions #also can u just imagine the songs they'll have to sing?#theyll have to be pg because of junghwan and haruto #and im not even talking abt songs abt sex #but like more emotional and deep songs #im srsly... what the fuck #i rly wanted silver boys and then team j to debut for the japan market...#also my thoughts are quite messy as ive been crying all day so cut me some slack

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kaileynel4-blog · 6 years

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You are all lucky SOB’s!!!

Alrighty, let’s dive right into the issue of my blog....my title is incorrect!!! Yes, this whole time I have had a title I did not mean to have. I mean, it doesn’t really make sense?!? Happiness is contagious, just like a sneeze??? So remember when I wrote my first blog post? The one where I deleted my entry 3 times?!?! So I think that is where my problem all started! I was so frustrated with the fact that I stupidly deleted my blog, that I stupidly wrote the wrong title!? I am not sure where the sneeze part came into play but I meant to say YAWN!! Yawns are contagious, not SNEEZES! Sweet jesus I’m an oblivious idiot sometimes. I think I am just gonna drop the sneeze part and just go with Happiness is Contagious. Sorry for all the confusion and head scratches along the way...I will say one thing though, it sure would have been nice if one of you told me!!! Just said “hey kailey, your title doesn’t make sense...sneezes aren’t contagious...” I blame 20% of this title mistake on you guys!

Anyways, the past few weeks have been a bit more challenging for me and continually learning the ups and downs of living abroad. I have been in Thailand for 5 months now and can’t believe it! Some days it feels like I’ve been gone forever and others like I just left last week. The amount of thinking through my emotions and listening to that little voice in my head, is much more than I anticipated. I am not much of an emotional person...I am not saying that I am heartless person or that I dont have emotions, I just don’t outwardly express them as much as others. So having to deal with these random thoughts and emotions is not my favorite thing to do. There are many ways to cope with your mental state of craziness. Currently, mine is exercise and coffee. Yes, coffee. I try to do some sort of physical activity everyday. It helps with all my anxiousness that I tend to have...sometimes I swear my attention span is like a 5 year olds. The “squirrel” situation happens to me more often than it should :) Coffee...oh the sweet sweet smell of good coffee. Drinking an iced cappuccino helps calm me and has become a comfort thing for me. It is a reminder of home but also brings back all the wonderful times I have had drinking coffee with my favorite people! I feel a sense of normalcy is brought to my not so normal life. I love the adventure that I am on but realized that it’s okay to want a bit of normalcy and miss some comforts of back home. In the beginning, I wouldn’t let myself think about all the things I missed cause I thought it would be harder but then I realized that I am lucky to miss people from home. I am one lucky lady to be living in a place that not many others have experienced. I am lucky to be surrounded by constant support and love. And I am lucky to have dogs all around me and help improve the lives of elephants in SE Asia! Now this is the part where you get to reflect...what makes you feel lucky?? What are the moments in your life where you have just thought “damn, I am one lucky bastard!” How do you cope with your crazy thoughts and emotions? One thing that i am learning along this journey, is to reflect and be grateful everyday that I am alive. If you are still reading my blogs (thank you Mom) I hope the one thing that you have taken away from them is to be grateful. The crappy situation you may think you are in could always be worse and sometimes you just need to remind yourself how fuckin lucky you are to be alive! Here is a photo of me loving life with two of coworkers, Fang and Roger! We were with the volunteers as they walked the elephants to the river!

This past week I had mixed emotions about life...I was feeling homesick and i think in large part due to the fact that my sister and Jacque were visiting and had just left. Words cant begin to describe how amazing it was to have my sister and Jacque come visit me. It is a pretty special thing to be able to share my Thailand home with the one person that I have always looked up to and admired. Being able to show my sister the loving community i live in, the efforts that Bamboo is doing to improve the lives of the elephants and show her why I love working here. I hope that she now has a better sense of what i am doing and understands a bit more as to why I moved here! After my sister and Jacque left, I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for a couple days. I was questioning why the fuck I am here, what do i want to get out of working in Thailand and really how much i missed home. As i worked through these emotions, i realized that I chose to do this. this decision was all me. I reached out to Bamboo to see if they had a job opening, I applied and I got the job. I didn’t care what people thought about me moving aboard cause I knew that I wanted to do it and that was all that mattered. I hope that from here on out I will be bold with my decisions, chase after my dreams, continue to spread happiness (even if its not contagious like a sneeze haha) remember how amazing life is when you are living it up, and always encourage those around you to be the best version of themselves.

The level of shits given lately is 0 for me. I am used to the weird Thailand things and know that i just need to accept it and move on. For example, there is a gecko that lives in my room. He poops in the same spot in my room and I cant seem to get him out! Normally, people would freak out about this and maybe even call a terminator. I dont think there is a such thing in Thailand so I just pray every night that I dont wake up with him on my face. In the village, the water goes out during the middle of the day. I have also had to accept this and just do a bucket shower or remain extremely smelly for a few more hours. I realized when my sister was visiting that my level of actual cleanliness is suffering a bit. I just dont really care that i brush my teeth from water that has been sitting in a bucket for who knows how long, or that the dishes we use to eat with everyday sit outside to dry with all the bugs and critters that could potentially crawl on them, or that i swim in a elephant poo infested river twice a week cause i am not gonna pass up swimming with them. I used to refuse to sleep on floors and never really liked camping in tents unless i had a pad. I have slept on the floor with a small thai pad for 5 months now. Some days i would love to have a tempurpedic mattress but for the most part I have done pretty good considering how high maintenance i was about sleeping on the floor. I have survived brushing my teeth in questionable water for 5 months and as long as I brush them i am pretty pleased with myself. There are just some things in life that aren’t worth the energy of worrying about. Accepting this is the hardest part but something I am learning. Thailand so far has taught me to be tougher and a little smellier. We live a pretty cushy and priviladge life in America and it is good to strip yourself of these privileges every once in awhile to really see what your boundaries are. When Jacque and my sister were here, the one thing that Jacque said she realized almost immediately was that she will never complain about water her beautiful plants again. We saw a woman carrying two big buckets of water on the end of a stick and was going to water her crops. We dont have to worry about watering our plants cause all we have to do is turn the hose on and stand there. We also have house plants for our pure enjoyment and dont rely on them to make a living. Appreciation is a huge thing for me and i appreciate every delicious cup of coffee i get, i appreciate all the meals that are cooked for me, I appreciate when my thai coworkers pick me up so i dont have to walk, I appreciate the dark chocolate that my mom sent me, I appreciate the smell of clean laundry and i appreciate most of all the people in my life. So the next time you complain about having to water your plants, drive your nice car to the grocery store, having to take your dog for a walk, or complain about your bed being too small, remember just how fucking lucky we are to have these things in our lives. Some people wont ever have the luxury of having these things so please just be grateful and appreciative of all that you have!

Here is a photo of our staff/family dinners in the village! I LOVE SPICY THAI FOOD!!!!

Here is one last thing before i go...I have fallen in love.......with a dog at the village. Her name is Kao (pronounced like cow) and she is the sweetest dog. I have talked about her before. She is the dog that had 4 litters of puppies and I paid for her to get spayed so she doesn’t have to have any more puppies! Anyways, I want to adopt kao and bring her back home to America to live a spoiled and privileged puppy life. The problem i have run into is that I dont know exactly when I will be coming home for good and need someone to help foster/adopt her. If you are interested in helping me get her to america please let me know! I am looking for someone to temporarily take care of her until i come home. Now i must warn you, if you want to foster her, please dont fall in love with her. She is my dog and I will want her back! It is going to be hard for you cause she is an amazing pup but we can work out a situation where you can still see her. Maybe even puppy sit! Okay, I’m getting off topic here....If anyone would like to help me out with this amazing and sweet dog please let me know! It is a long process to adopt a dog from Thailand so it would take a little while but i would love to get it started. Here are a couple photos of her to make you feel a little guilty and possible persuade you to help out ;) also, if you cant adopt but want to help out financially let me know!

As always i am sending lots of hugs and kisses to those back home. I am grateful everyday that I am alive and happy and I hope that you are too!

Cheers to summer livin and see you all in a month!! If anyone wants to have a slumber party and drink wine when i am home, i am most definitely down for that!

Love you all :)

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celestialvexation · 6 years

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Opia

for @meradorm because i wanted to and i love tolerate you. enjoy uvu~!

“Excuse me? Is everything alright?” You blinked out of your daze, staring up to meet with brown eyes of an android that held an inquisitive shine in them ( Is he doing an internal scan of yourself? A subtle check upon your features to determine the emotion at hand? ). A quick glance at the LED chip showed a loading yellow, confirming your assumption. “Yeah,” you easily answered, brushing off his concerns with a slow exhale. “I mean, as anyone who found the body of a recent murder could be...” You smiled crookedly, a rather piss poor attempt to elicit humor, however dark it was. The lack of reaction regarding it only made it awkward so you cleared your throat, fighting back an embarrassing flush of your face. How goddamn humiliating. “So, you got any clues on who done it or...?”

“We have reason to believe that the deviant has returned to the scene of the crime not too long ago,” he replied as smoothly as marble, the words sounding easy on the tongue. “The body's position has been disturbed at some point, possibly to rid of any additional evidence of its identity or some other reason. We are now asking for any potential witnesses for any odd sights or strange behavior from others.” As he spoke, you couldn’t help but be transfixed by his ever so constant gaze into your eyes.

The strangest aspect concerning it is that it didn’t necessarily feel...uncomfortable as you would expect when someone is staring directly at you. It wasn’t exactly leering though you would think that he is merely attempting to detect any abnormal behavior such as deceit or signs of discomfort. Perhaps it’s part of the training all detectives and law enforcement must go through to accomplish a task but still... You can’t help the feeling of added effort within it. Strange. You’ve never enjoyed the very obvious attempt from others trying to assume details of yourself, trying to expose something that not even you know of and it often elicits an emotion that’s bordering between anger and humiliation. “Right...” you hummed out, finally tearing your gaze away to stare at the police surrounding the scene before them. Okay, this should be easy since you obviously had no hand in the crime itself and it would be understandable in being shaken at the whole thing. And thankfully, that all came into play as this android -- RK800 is the supposed serial number but you didn’t think in regarding him as that -- questioned you, mostly shaking your head at the basic questions such as “Have you noticed any android activity that seems unusual to you?” or “Have you seen anyone, be they human or android, behaving oddly?” At first, he didn’t appear all that disappointed with the lack of leads but you did catch a glimmer of something in those dark brown eyes. They appeared too...bright -- as in being aware of something that he isn’t quite used to. “Very well. It may not be much but every little clue is helpful,” he announced, posture straight and alert. You can’t help but admire how committed he is; of course, you expect all androids to be as such, especially regarding this line of work. However, thoughts of unknown origins began to surface. You started to wonder just how he is when he isn’t...this. When he is relaxed for once and within a serene environment that provided a break from not only the frustrating dead ends of crimes but also the hostile greetings from others. ‘Is his skin soft as those eyes then?’ you thought, dazed once again as your mind wandered off the path of decency and into one of-- “--if that’s fine with you?” A curse tumbled out as you rubbed at your face, lifting your gaze up with a sigh. “What? Sorry, I didn’t catch that,” you mumbled almost in embarrassment. Luckily, the android didn’t appear bothered by your disregarding of attention though his head did cant to the side ( ‘Ah, like a damn puppy,’ you thought to yourself for a split second ). “I asked if it’s alright if we are to meet again for another interview? You seem shaken by the events at hand so it would be beneficial if you acquired rest to lower your stress so you may be in a better state of mind.” ...Holy shit, how did you miss all that? Did you seriously blanked out for that long? “Yeah, that’s fine. I’m a bit disoriented today, anyway. Been a long day and all...” He nodded in acknowledgement, his head turning to a much older man who was calling for him. “Connor, c’mon! Gotta head back to the station for now!” Connor... So that was his name. It sounded...right, to you. Connor turned back to you with a nod in farewell, repeating his offer in a similar statement before leaving to leave with the other gentleman. You observed him walking away with the man, watching how the android move rather fluidly yet casual. Warmth started to spread from your chest but you hardly consider it as anything...affectionate or tender. It was more of anticipation and it was beginning to take your breath away.

The next day came quickly and before you knew it, you found yourself staring at Connor, who has arrived at your humble abode for a second interview. You knew beforehand that he is arriving but for him to be alone... You expected some other police officer or even the lieutenant himself. “I apologize for this inconvenience,” he started, eyes staring intently in yours. “But I believed that you will be more at ease if you are in a familiar and comfortable environment, such as your home. Furthermore, with the hostility towards androids and the station overall rambunctious, it’s only fitting that we are to do the interview here.” You had to blink at the rather smart conclusions, thinking that he is right since you aren’t used to the social world and if things do escalate during the interview, the android will have no choice but to leave regardless since he is a guest here and he would have to abide to the host’s wishes. Bringing him over to the living room, you gestured for the seat across from yours, to which Connor sit himself down in the same straight posture as he would be standing. Body at a complete 90 degrees, he settled his hands along his lap as he stared at you. Struggling to keep your inhibitions at bay, you listened to him as best you could but the words soon began to distort. It wasn’t necessarily static but it was as though Connor is slowly becoming muffled. “...Are you alright?” he voiced, your senses picking up what you assumed is concern. “You appear ill. Have you been eating and drinking normally lately?” Even though he is capable of scanning you for any ailments, it felt as though he doesn’t do so unless it is absolutely necessary or with consent. The thought of that had you flushed at the cheeks and this time, it wasn’t out of embarrassment. “Uh... No. I mean, yes, I’ve been eating well. It’s just that...” God, how do you even say that it is this damn android that is occupying and distracting your mind? How can you reveal thoughts that seem rather indecent and slightly unsettling? Connor had raised a brow at you but you only glanced at him then stood up, rushing to the kitchen. Yes, a glass of water is most appreciated here. You hastily took a glass from the cabinet, filling it with cold water then downing half the glass. The cool liquid felt good traveling down your throat, the glass lowered to the counter as you let out a soft sigh. You were so preoccupied with your thoughts that you didn’t hear Connor until-- “Are you certain you do not acquire anything?” You jumped, turning to find him surprisingly close to you. He’s leaning his body over, attempting to catch anything upon your features that may be out of place. You inhaled slowly, unable to bring your eyes away from the brown gaze. Connor laid a hand along the kitchen counter, you turning fully towards him in time for that hand to reach up and take hold of you chin. You froze. The skin met with yours is... Well, it’s surprisingly normal! It didn’t feel cold or like porcelain as it would with a doll. Instead, the skin felt...just like yours. Soft, warm, and having a gentleness that proved that Connor is taking your health into consideration even if you are merely an eyewitness to the aftermath of a murder. Your tongue came out to wet at dry lips, watching as Connor noticed then paying direct attention to you. “Your body temperature has risen but not to an alarming or worrying level,” Connor noted, turning your head this way and that. You stared deeply into his eyes and up close, you’ve noticed just how vivid the irises were. It wasn’t a dull brown as you would expect from a robot that is to simply solve cases and have a composed, calculated head. They have an energy, a dynamic to them that is similar to everyone else’s you’ve known. It is so...human, as cliche as you thought of it. Connor had leaned forward at some point, you feeling unraveled at how intense his gaze was. Silence rang between you both, the only sounds were the humming of the air conditioner and the drumming beat of your heart. “Your heart...” he murmured, thumb suddenly going up close to your bottom lip. The very organ is quickening in beat but you didn’t seem to notice. Swiftly glancing down at his own lips then back up, Connor searched for something before he smiled... Oh, that smile. It was small but incredibly beatific that it took your breath away. You’ve never would have expected an android to smile so genuinely like that... ...but with Connor, with his soft features that demonstrated a buried benevolence and warmth, it had you come undone, especially with how his eyes followed with crinkling, sympathetic lines. It wasn’t as if he’s incredibly delicate or fragile; there is a mellow serenity to him but you can tell that there is a calm imperturbability that can unnerve even the most hardened soul. You suddenly felt exposed as though he managed to open a heavy door with no help from a key or any other means. It should have angered you; you were vulnerable in the presence of an android who can obtain so much information just by a glance and can utilize it to their advantage, if need be. Just as you wanted to pull the other in to cocoon yourself in that warmth, Connor pulled away and collected his composure by fixing at his tie, smile gone but there is a rather airy mood to him. "If you are currently well,” he started casually as though you two haven’t shared a moment together. “We can continue with the interview.” It didn’t bother you as much that he would be so committed in the investigation. It only had your lips quirking up, filling the glass up again as you hummed, “Yes, of course. Ask away, detective.”

#asdlfa i've done the thing!#there is no smut but..... >w>#jaunty writes a thing

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