#edit: the part two is already written (and was written before this one actually.... calling this the taylorswift!verse bc matty is so taylor | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

annasinterests · 9 months

Text

don't look at me like that unless you mean it

smiling, having fun ♫ feeling like a number one

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a/n: god dayum this took me so long to put out and i sincerely apologize friends!!! my family's been in town and i've been planning trips with my bf for the next couple of weeks so i've just been sooo busy. to make up for it, enjoy the longest chapter i've written yet :)) i legit had so much fun writing it but i also fussed w/ it a ton because i wanted to get it just how i envisioned it. nuff' ramblin' from me, love y'all, enjoy !

word count: 9.8k (i had over 10k written b4 editing but still omfg!)

pairings: joel miller x f!reader

warnings & tags: minors dni, cursing, joel/reader/tommy being cute, tommy being an instigator lowkey, mutual pining, joel and reader going on a lil 'date', sexual themes, mentions of alcohol/being drunk, honestly kinda self-indulgent esp on the music parts, angst RAAAAAAAAH — please tell me if i missed anything!

Friday. Thank God.

As the morning light painted the sky in soft hues, you opted to savor your coffee on the front porch with your feet kicked up on the deck railing, basking in the quiet before the day's festivities consumed the town.

The early hour granted you respite from the scorching sun, sparing you the discomfort of the sweltering heat that would undoubtedly arrive later. Dressed in a small tank top and shorts, you relished the cool breeze that gently brushed against your skin. Tilting your head back, you closed your eyes, allowing the sounds of chirping birds to serenade you and the warm rays envelop you in a soothing embrace.

You thought back to last night with Ellie, how much fun you had with her even though you passed out before the movie was even over. It was the perfect start to your two days of rest, and it prompted you to commit a rare act of self-care by pushing off your new workload until the new week started.

You always did something on your days off for Jackson, whether it was doing a few favors for neighbors or finding yourself in Maria’s office all day. Nothing ever to give yourself the time you deserved.

And maybe it was selfish– irresponsible, even– but you needed a real break, and when would you get that if not today? Tonight promised laughter, music, and camaraderie. All your problems and issues would still be there tomorrow anyway.

"Put some clothes on, would you?" You jerked your head forward to meet Tommy walking up with a grin on his face. You rolled your eyes.

"I'll put on more clothes when you shave off that disaster you call a mustache."

He put his hand over his chest that shook with laughter and took the vacant seat next to you. When you offered him coffee, he politely declined, chuckling when you insisted that you could add whiskey to it for him. "I actually came to ask a favor."

He watched as you peered down at the imaginary watch on your wrist before giving him a skeptical look. “Tommy, if you’re asking me to work, the answer is-”

“No! God, no.” You let out a thank fuck under your breath. “It’s for tonight.”

You raised your eyebrows as you drew a sip from your coffee. For tonight? He took your silence as a cue to continue.

"Joel tells me that you've got quite the music collection. I was wonderin' if I could borrow a couple of your tapes or CDs or whatever y'got?"

You thought about it for half a second, but pretended to be in deep contemplation. He grew antsy, attempting to seriously reason with you, and when you couldn't hold it together any longer, you hid your grin behind your mug as you watched him realize that you were fucking with him. You got up from your seat and signaled for him to follow you inside as you grabbed cassettes for his cause.

Joel had been in the kitchen pouring himself a cup from the pot you had already brewed. You peered around the corner to set your mug on the counter, flashing him a bright smile before quickly scurrying off, catching a glimpse of how his face dropped from a smile to confusion upon hearing more footsteps in the house. You giggled once you heard his groan, followed by 'Jesus, don't you know what time it is?'

You picked through your pile, grabbing tapes that you were certain would be winners. Once content with your selection, you brought them back to Tommy in the kitchen. His eyes and smile widened at the handful, carefully taking them into his possession. Joel, still clearly waking up, watched the interaction with a dull curiosity over the rim of his mug, flickering his gaze from you, to the cassettes, and lastly Tommy.

Your eyes lingered on the tapes, a small smile brought to your face at the pure nostalgia they held. You knew each track on each tape, word for word. You remembered when you heard them for the first time, what life had felt like, and when you found yourself listening to them the most. Normally, you'd feel hesitant to lend out your most prized possessions. They’d been with you ever since before outbreak day, and the one constant you had since the beginning that got you through your toughest times. But this was Tommy, and you didn’t have to think twice about whether or not you could trust him.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" You snapped out of your thinking to go and retrieve another part from your pile. You handed him a small deck of index cards binded together with twine in what was your own way of personally cataloging. "It's already in order, by cassette and song title, so you can figure out if there's something you don't wanna play.. or whatever you got planned." You lazily gestured.

The brothers exchanged a look before turning their attention to the cards. Joel set his coffee down and took the thin stack from Tommy, reading over it together as they glanced back and forth between the cardstock and the tapes. The corner of his mouth curled up as he skimmed over the songs, making it impossible for you not to smile either. You sheepishly looked down while rolling your feet from heel to toe with your hands behind your back, feeling like a kid showing their parents a piece of art they made at school.

"Had the world not gone to shit, you could’ve been a mean music curator.” Joel waved the cards between his thumb and forefinger, a suppressed laugh leaving your lips.

“Yeah.. damn, these bring back some good memories. Buncha’ old ones on here, some even way before our time.” Tommy motioned between himself and Joel.

The small smile on Joel’s face grew bigger, his face becoming more lively at a realization. “Y’know, ‘lotta these were popular bar songs. You were just shy of eighteen back then, weren’t you?”

Tommy quickly caught on to Joel’s train of thought, matching his grin. You stared at him with a subtle smirk, knowing that he knew he was right, and only asked to make it a point that he knew that. And in a way, you found it kind of.. hot? He was keenly aware of your timeline and able to make the connections that no one else really could. He didn’t have to do the mental math like Tommy probably was after he said it. You felt a surge of heat in your cheeks and on the tip of your ears as their gaze on you persisted, waiting for you to answer.

“.. I may or may not have snuck into them..”

Their voices overlapped with elation, to which you stuck up a middle finger for each Miller.

“Sounds like you were living on the edge,” Tommy peered down at Joel’s hand, “..of seventeen.”

Before you could open your mouth to scold Tommy for popping the corniest joke in all of the apocalypse, he and Joel fell into their own fit of laughter, bumping shoulders and elbowing one another. So proud and smug of their joint-effort to expose your rebellious years. But you found yourself grinning, not at the joke, but at them.

You shook your head, letting out a mix of a laugh and sigh, “Alright, you boys had your fun. Now Joel, why don’t you do your big brother duties and show Tommy the way out?”

He raised a brow at you, bringing his mug to his lips, “Must I remind you that it was you that brought him in here, not me?”

Tommy raised his hands up in defense as you glared at Joel, “Alright- I’ll see myself out.” He winked at you as he walked past, “Give you a break before ya’ gotta deal with me tonight.”

You and Joel walked him to the door, exchanging goodbyes until later this evening. Just before stepping out, Tommy suddenly turned over his shoulder to you. "Oh! Before I forget– Are you seein’ anybody?”

You froze at his question, your smile slacked and your eyes widened. The residual feeling of laughter in your chest subsided quickly as if it never existed in the first place. He held up his left hand, “Not for me, obviously.”

You rolled your eyes, then narrowing them at him. “Yeah, no shit. What, are you playing matchmaker for me?”

“Not for you, someone else.” A shit-eating grin appeared on his face. “So, are you?”

The short answer was no. You were too busy with leading your life in Jackson.. And being hopelessly in love with his brother.

“Uh– no. I’m not.”

Joel's gaze shifted towards you, your words evoking enough of a reaction out of him, to which Tommy caught and raised an eyebrow with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. They bounced between you and Joel as if he had caught a whiff of the unspoken agreement you two held. You felt your cheeks go hot again, knowing that your words hadn't gone unnoticed by either of them.

He bid a final farewell with an unconvincing nod that left you both standing in the foyer quietly, which was luckily cut short by Ellie coming through the back door, giving you both the perfect excuse to forget all about.. whatever that was.

She rubbed away the sleep in her eyes, murmuring a good morning to you and Joel as she made her way into the kitchen, both of you treading in after her. You inquired about the basics. How'd you sleep? Want me to make you something for breakfast? Do you want orange juice? What are your plans for the day? Joel watched as you engaged in conversation, admiration and warmth flaring in his chest as you seamlessly transitioned into your role as a caretaker.

You were receptive when she shared her plans for the day, further inquiring about smaller details of her schedule. He watched as Ellie became more animated the more she got to talk about her day ahead, especially as you encouraged her.

"What about you guys? Don't you both have off today?" Ellie faced in her chair so that she could clearly see you both.

You exchanged a glance with Joel before you both shrugged your shoulders. You hadn't realized that he had the day off as well, if you were being completely honest. As you thought about it, it occured to you that you hadn't gotten to figure that part out, since Tommy and all. When you confessed that you hadn’t planned anything for the day, Ellie’s eyes squinted in deep thought for a moment, then looked back at you both, “Why don’t you guys do something together?

You straightened up at her proposal, mildly thrown off, sharing another look with Joel before you both attempted to give a series of excuses, which just came out in a mess of jumbled, almost incoherent words.

“Oh, come on! You guys almost never do anything together.”

You folded your arms in defiance, but it came off more as a pout. “Yes, we do.”

“Sitting at home together doesn’t count.” You opened your mouth to disagree, but nothing came out. “Go out! Have a date or something.”

You nearly choked on your coffee as Joel sighed, speaking with caution, “Ellie–”

“Anyways! I’m off to Dina’s for the day.” She beamed and laughed in victory as she watched you two writhe in place. You could hear the smile in her voice as she left out the back door, “You kids have fun tonight, and make good decisions!”

God– first Tommy, now her. It couldn’t have been past nine yet.

You hand cradled your elbow, the other hand covering your eyes as your thumb and middle finger kneaded at your temples. Okay, maybe she was right. Maybe you and Joel didn’t spend proper ‘quality time’ together, but it just wasn’t something that either one of you were accustomed to. Before Jackson, the most you were able to be alone outside of your apartments were during smuggle runs, which was definitely not the type of recreational activity that she was referring to, and once you picked her up and finally settled here, your lives were centered around her and your respective jobs for the community.

Joel crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway that bordered the dining room, staring at the back door and then subsequently at you. You hadn’t noticed him looking, still hiding behind your hand to mask your embarrassment, and saw how his eyes raked over your figure, taking in how little clothes you were wearing. The black tank top was a deep cut halter that exposed your arms, chest, and just the littlest bit of midriff. Your shorts matched in color, the fabric just hovering over the higher part of your thighs with slits up the sides.

It was a good thing for him that you had your eyes covered. You weren’t able to see how his tongue poked over his bottom lip and his eyes that were drawn to your cleavage that was accentuated by your arms drawn together. Even with your fair share of scars, your skin looked so perfect and soft under the glow of sunlight through the window, so much that he could barely keep himself back from touching you, wanting to trace the contours of your arms with his fingers and hold your face in his palms again.

His heart thumped in his chest as he wondered what it would feel like to rub your legs against his under bed sheets. How it would feel to press his fingertips into the soft flesh of your hips–

“Joel?”

His head jerked up slightly as his eyes darted to yours. “What?”

Irked, you threw your hand away from your face in an exasperated manner, “Do you wanna come?

He stared dumbly at you, stuttering, “Do I- w-what?”

“To Lake Falwich! Weren’t you listening?” You threw him an incredulous look as he shook his head to himself, apparent to you that he in fact hadn’t listened to a damn word you said.

Lake Falwich was located off of Elk Creek, an area you and Joel switched off on patrolling. You’d found the place when you went off-path during your first summer patrol, deeming it as another little hidden gem of Jackson County. Over the years, you grew fond of it and made it a point to frequent it whenever beyond the walls, but you hadn’t been yet this season.

“Uh, yeah– Yes– Sure.”

You didn’t know what had gotten into him in the last few minutes, but you couldn’t deny that you enjoyed seeing him all flustered and not being able to keep eye contact with you. How the tables turned for once.

“I’ll be ready to head out in ten.” You began to head towards the stairs for your room, but stopped at his side and placed your hand on his shoulder, curling your fingers over the muscle, “Don’t keep me waiting.”

A grin adorned your face as you walked away, leaving Joel to hang onto the sensation that burned his skin where you touched him and force himself to calm down from the excitement growing in his pants. He hadn’t really known what he’d just gotten himself into with you, and you were pleasantly surprised at his answer as you half-expected him to come up with some reason to not go.

But one thing was clear to you both: It was definitely not a date.

Your hands draped near the straps of his pack by his hips as you rode out, brushing against his belt and jeans every so often. It wasn’t a difficult route by any means; fairly smooth and clear of any obstructions.

Being the passenger gave you the opportunity to be immersed by your surroundings rather than having to focus in front of you. You got to pay attention to the small things, like the rhythmic beat of the horse’s hooves against the ground and the scent of pine mingled with the earthy aroma of the forest. The trees towered above you, their branches forming a natural canopy that filtered the sunlight, casting dappled shadows on the trail. Every so often, the trees would give way to open meadows, where wildflowers swayed in the gentle breeze.

When you weren’t being captivated by nature, your attention was drawn back to Joel. The heat had caused his hair to curl at the nape of his neck that was slicked with sweat, seeping into the collar of his dark gray shirt that stretched across his shoulders and back with more splotches of sweat. Now and then, you’d get a glimpse of his profile when he scouted around. You felt like a teenager getting to hang out with her crush that she’d had since elementary school, your stomach doing flips just from the proximity alone.

The ride itself was filled with comfortable silence, punctuated by moments of look there and did you see that? with every passing mile. You could get used to this– having these little outings together.

You could hear the rushing water before you could see it, the sound of it growing louder and louder until it finally came into view. When the landscape presented itself before you, you felt a child-like thrill growing in your chest. The clear water shimmered with a vivid turquoise hue that seemed almost unreal, partnered with tall limestone walls that framed the lake. Smaller stone structures and boulders formed near the base of the waterfall, enticing you to explore and conquer their heights again like you’d done in the past. The vegetation extended all around the area, mosses and ferns clung to the rock walls in a tapestry of greenery. It all gave you a sense of simultaneous exhilaration and peace.

Eager to get to the water, you dismounted from the horse before Joel could hitch it, causing him to call out after you in protest and watch you with a careful eye as he got everything situated. You stood at the mouth of the lake with your boots kicked off when he joined you, slowly following suit.

“So.. What do you wanna do now?”

With the heat, there was only one thing to do.

“Jump in.” You pointed to a ledge that was a considerable height up. “From there.”

He met where your finger signaled, then back to you with a quizzical look. “Don’t you reckon that’s a bit high?”

You shrugged your shoulders and threw a smile over your shoulder as you walked away from him, earning a scoff and one of his typical disapproving head shakes. His eyes stayed on you as you made your way, widening when you started to peel off your clothes piece by piece.

First off was your tank top, slipping it effortlessly over your head, then the undoing of your belt and shimmying out of your jeans. You’d stripped down to only a sports bra and underwear, both of which happened to match, which was very much unplanned. Through each removal of clothing, Joel couldn’t help but have his eyes glued to you. He became restless, running his hands through his hair and turning around just to face back to you because he simply couldn’t keep his eyes off you. And when you looked back at him, you felt a little boost of confidence in seeing how he kept his attention on you.

You ascended the rocks, reaching your desired spot and standing proudly, waving your arms above your head at a miffed Joel. The air was filled with a refreshing mist, carrying the fragrance of damp earth and the invigorating energy of the cascading waterfall. The lake below you offered a new perspective on how high you really were, and for a second, you considered that Joel was maybe right.

But fuck it.

Your legs propelled you forward, curling up as you plummeted, and your shouts of joy drowned out by the thunderous roar of the falls. The water engulfed you, prickling your body with its cold touch. Submerged beneath the surface, you held onto the sensation of being weightless, listening to nothing but the ebb and flow of the currents and feeling them weave through your fingertips.

You emerged from the depths to the sun’s warmth on your face. When you refocused your vision, you saw that Joel was standing in the same spot as before, now with his arms crossed against his chest. You swam closer to the shoreline.

“Come on, water’s fine!” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a question, now get your ass in here, Miller!”

He rolled his eyes and huffed, shaking his head once more before pulling off his shirt by the collar and tossing it aside with his boots and pack, and despite being in the freezing water, you flooded with heat at the sight of him. You’d only seen him in small increments when tending his wounds, but now you could finally know what he looked like underneath those damned clothes.

Just as you suspected, his shoulders were strong with muscle, and the prominent veins in his hands and forearms traveled upwards through his biceps. His chest and abdomen were toned and had an even layer of hair, and you basically drooled at the definition of his hips and the trail of hair leading down that was secured by a belt. Beyond his attractive features, though, you saw his scars of survival. His torso littered with healed lesions, many of which you cared for, and a significant mark near his side that reflected the time of his near-death.

“Don’t splash me now, alright?” He stifled a laugh as he undid his belt, which took all your self-control to not watch his hands and think ungodly things. Once he stripped down to his boxer briefs, he stepped further into the lake, wincing at the coldness as he got deeper. When the water reached his thighs, he sucked in a sharp breath and hissed, “Shit- That’s cold.”

You were too busy gaping at how muscles tensed and contorted to make a stupid remark. He delved deeper into the lake until he fully submerged himself, surfacing quickly and shaking out his hair, which was doing things for you. In all the years you spent with him, you didn’t think that he could possibly get more attractive, nor did you think that you’d ever be like this right now, yet here you were.

In what was supposed to be a little fun getaway from all the stresses of the world, you found yourself seriously lusting for him in this moment, which was a stress all on its own. You were alone in a very much secluded area, only an article of clothing or two away from being naked, moreover. The very thought sent you over the edge, making you physically ache where you wanted him the most. How easy it’d be to just close the distance and get lost in him for hours.

The fact that you couldn’t do that, though, pained you viscerally. You couldn’t keep looking at him, or else you’d do something stupid, so you closed your eyes and spread your limbs out to drift on your back. You focused on your breathing, honing in on how your body bobbed with each inhale and exhale and letting the water guide you in any direction.

The next few hours were spent floating, challenging Joel to swimming races, and jumping off the rocks to see who could make the bigger splashes. You found yourselves in lots of banter and bickering, especially when you did a flip off of a ledge and Joel was very displeased that you could’ve hit your head. All you could feel was pure, unadulterated happiness. Together, you were having fun. Real fun. Enjoying each other’s company and nature’s playground.

A while after you returned to drifting on your backside, an unfamiliar sensation across your back and thighs caused you to flail and frantically look around. Sheer panic rose as you realized that you’d drifted off into the deeper end, and you tried to calmly but quickly thrust yourself back into shallow waters.

“Somethin’ got you scared?” Joel had been awfully calm with an arrogant grin on his face, and his laughter rung out clear in the air as he watched you go through the motions of panic, confusion, and finally disdain.

You feigned indignation. “Don’t be a dick.”

Once your feet touched the solid floor, you waded and found a spot to sit in the safety of the shallows, pulling your knees up and resting your arms on them. As Joel drew in to join you, you watched as the water lapped at his waist, drawing your attention to the band of his boxer briefs that seemed to hang dangerously low on his hips and how they clung to him in a way that’d have all the women in Jackson ready on their knees for him. His body swayed with a subtle rhythm and cadence that was uniquely his; full of purpose and so.. virile. You averted your gaze to the sediment of where you sat in an attempt to rid yourself of the thoughts you were having.

The clearness allowed you to examine its composition of pebbles and rocks of all kinds, and you picked up handfuls of them to admire their different qualities, quickly getting wrapped up in recognizing unique patterns and markings. Joel watched as you threw the ones you didn’t like further into the lake, like it was a process of elimination until you found the best one.

When you liked one, you wordlessly handed it to him without taking your attention away from the ones in front of you. There was a serene grace in your actions, as if you were entrusting him with something fragile and precious, and he took notice of the care in which you handled each stone. He’d give it a once over, his fingers gliding over the surface, before dropping it back into your hand. There was something about you doing this, yielding to human nature’s innocent curiosity, that made it so much more than just a seemingly mundane exchange to him.

Your eyes met his briefly, and you saw he was truly relaxed from how the hard lines of his face were softened. The sun shone on him in where you could really see the depths of his eyes; the green-gold that seeped into a lighter brown around his pupil, creating the most beautiful iris structure you’d ever seen. His skin held a perpetual tan with freckles all over his shoulders, a feature that you weren’t necessarily familiar with. Waves and curls formed near his ears and forehead as his hair dried, most of it disheveled and left you wanting to run your fingers through to tame it. Your eyes drifted to his body for a moment, overly cognizant of how much bigger he was compared to you. With a tinge of a smile, you turned back to your little stones, gently placing them back in the water in a decision to leave them where they belonged.

“As much as I’ve enjoyed this,” Joel’s voice filled the silence, “we should get goin’ soon. Promised Tommy I’d swing by to help set up a couple things.”

You hummed in acknowledgment. If there was one thing about Joel, it was that he always showed up for Tommy, no matter how big or small it was. Even if it was a five-minute task or a project that Tommy was entirely capable of doing on his own, Joel was always there. You had that in common with him, back when you had your brother.

As you were about to stand, Joel hovered over you with an extended hand. You clasped it with your own as you gained your balance, but when doing so, your eyes caught a glimpse of something slithering right under your feet. You yelped at the sight, tightening your grip around his hand, and he instinctively pulled you to him, wrapping a protective arm around your waist while acting as a shield between you and the potential danger. He scanned the water, catching on to what you saw: a plains garter snake.

At the sound of his chuckle, you braced yourself against his chest in confusion as his arms were still around you. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s not-” he loosened his hold, but his hands still splayed over your waist. “It’s harmless, nothin’ to worry about.”

“Oh.” You bowed your head forward in relief and slight embarrassment, and a faint smile played at his lips. Your hands were still on each other, almost as if you were trying to play it out as long as possible until either you pulled away or he did, which winded up being the former. You drew back to yourself, stepping backwards as he released you. “Thanks.”

You both retrieved your belongings and set up on a flat bed of rock to dry out, another comfortable silence enveloping you once again as you bathed in the warmth. With your arm slung over your eyes, you could only sense Joel’s presence beside you. You slid your arm up to peer at him, his eyes fixed on the lake. His legs were drawn towards his chest with his forearms on his knees, his chest rising and falling in calm breaths. There was a peacefulness in his expression, a sense of contentment that mirrored your own. You smiled before covering up again, but he caught you at the last second.

“What’re you thinkin’ about over there?”

You brushed off his question. “Who says I’m thinking?”

“If there’s one thing about you, it’s that you’re never not thinkin’.” You sat up at the accusatory words, arching your eyebrows in disbelief. “Go on now, don’t keep me in suspense.”

“I..” a grin spread on your face, “..was thinking about how much fun your shift must’ve been with Fitz yesterday.”

You giggled as he let out a groan, successfully diverting away from where the conversation was leading. “Oh, it was a fuckin’ shift alright– and I don’t wanna talk too much about work, but he shouldn’t be bothering you anymore.”

You faced him and leaned back on your hand, eyeing him, “Joel, what did you-”

“I took care of it.” He left no room for you to speak, his voice stern. He softened a moment after once he realized how it came out a little too sharp. He lowered his attention down to his hands, rubbing his thumb into his palm, “..Not s’pose to treat a woman the way he does, especially when it’s you.”

A moment came and went in where it looked like he regretted his words, fearing that he may have revealed too much, or maybe not enough. But what you felt was incomparable to anything you’d ever felt before, hearing him tell you– blatantly admit to you that he regarded you differently than other people, and that if someone crossed you, they were crossing him too. You always knew he had your six, but this was different than that.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was doin’ that? Or Tommy?”

Those dumb, beautiful eyes conveyed a genuine concern that immediately made you feel guilty for not saying something sooner when you very well could’ve. At the same time, you didn’t want to fuss or make a big deal out of it. It was better that it was you than someone else, like Joel. So you tolerated it, because you were still able to do your job even with an annoying fucking twat as your partner.

“I never took him seriously. I thought he’d just stop if I ignored it enough, but.. clearly not.” You gave a half-suppressed laugh, knowing how ridiculous and naive it sounded out loud. He sighed at your answer, making you fidget, “I know! I know. You’re right– it was stupid of me-”

“Sweetheart–” his hand on your leg and delicious southern drawl shut you right up, “nothin’ stupid about you tryin’ to keep the peace. Just.. let me know next time, okay?”

All you could do was nod, dumbfounded by this new, open protectiveness towards you. He knew better than anyone else how you could handle yourself, but he still couldn’t help but feel that it was his job to keep you safe and be your advocate when you weren’t your own.

Without another word, he rose and offered you a hand up, indicating that enough time had passed and you should get going if you were going to be on time for the party. You accepted the gesture again, but he held your hand longer this time as he guided you down the rocks so that you wouldn’t trip, a chivalrous act that also gave an excuse to linger on your skin.

A hot shower was what you needed to scrub the freshwater off your skin and out of your hair, also to give you some much needed relief from having to control yourself the whole time you were with him, but of course you did that after he left since you shared his bathroom.

The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting a golden glow over Jackson. The vibrant energy of the evening pulsed through the town, the streets alive with people as they made their way to the most popular establishment, laughter and music floating through the air. You’d gone through about four outfits before ultimately deciding on a ribbed henley tank, jeans, and sneakers

Just before running out the door, you checked yourself in the mirror to smooth any stray hairs away from your face. With a smile, you stepped out, falling in with your neighbors who’d been on their way over as well, engaging in conversation on the short walk there. There’d been a crowd gathered outside the Tipsy Bison, people mingling and sharing stories, some already on their second round of drinks.

Through the doors you were immediately greeted by a wave of warmth and liveliness. Your eyes danced around the bar, jumping from full booths and high tables, to the large alcohol selection behind the counter guarded by about three barkeeps if you were counting right. The air was filled with a thousand different scents, ranging from beer and cigarettes to perfume and aftershave. And lastly, the sounds which brought it all together, the clinking of glasses and hum of conversation, and of course, music. Your music that people were enjoying.

Searching the crowd, you spotted familiar faces and friends scattered throughout the place, engrossed in their own circles, but the one person you actively sought out was nowhere in sight. Your efforts slowed as you heard a picking of chords grow louder over the speakers, causing a wild smile to grow on your face.

♫

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone Turned on some music to start my day I lost myself in a familiar song

♫

“I closed my eyes and I slipped awaaay!” Tommy appeared at your side two shots in one hand and unopened beers between his fingers in the other, slinging the arm around your shoulder as he pushed the small glass into your hands.

Without hesitation, you threw the shot back with him, feeling the instant burn go down your throat. You both popped off the beer caps off a nearby counter, a party trick you’d gotten quite good at over the years, before rushing over to the middle of the floor to join the rest of the party and sing your hearts out to your first song of the night. You could barely hear yourself over the speakers and fellow singers, saving you from the embarrassment from being incredibly off-key. Your body reacted instantly to the music, finding the rhythm and constantly moving in accordance. That was the other thing about music, you felt most comfortable in your skin when you listened and danced to it, being able to fall in with whatever played. In between the verses, you hurried over to the bar to grab more shots and beers, slamming doubles back before pulling each other back to the floor.

You and Tommy locked arms and pressed back to back while holding up your bottles in a toast-fashion, switching off during the last chorus and refrain and holding out the longer notes.

♫

It’s more than a feeling (More than a feeling!)

When I hear that old song they used to play (More than a feeling!)

I begin dreaming (More than a feeling!) ...

♫

The alcohol was slowly but surely taking over, a key indicator being the warm, fuzzy buzzing that flourished throughout your body. You clung to Tommy’s shoulder and leaned towards his ear during a break between songs, “Tommy, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be!”

He looked at you with wide eyes and a grin, “I know right! Joel really helped pull it together before we opened the doors!”

You smiled at the compliment towards his brother, then furrowing your brows. “Where is he, anyway?”

You both looked around for a moment before Tommy steered you off to the side, yelling that it was too hard to see from the middle, and your efforts were put on pause again as you winded up near a large group of patrolmen that grabbed Tommy’s attention. He dragged you with him to socialize, though you mainly watched from the outskirts of the circle, smiling and nodding along where the conversations went as you didn’t have much to say or add.

When you went to drink from your bottle, you noticed the lightness of it and realized that you needed another, giving you the perfect excuse to slip away and look for him. You checked over your shoulders as you squeezed your way through to the bar to request your next drink, and it didn’t help that the room was dimly lit and was accompanied by flashing strobes.

The barkeep slid you a bottle across the counter and you swiftly popped it off, taking a swig before turning around right into somebody. An apology flew out of your mouth before you could even see who it was, their voice catching your attention and making you look at them.

“Hey, no worries! Both still got our drinks, yeah?”

Samson flashed you a grin, his hand light on your arm but enough to keep you steady. You raised your beer to him, his eyes flickered between it and you before raising his own and tapping the neck of your bottles together. You both took another swig.

As you got into conversation, you moved away from the bar towards the wall where there wasn’t much action going on. You talked about how nice the place had been transformed for the night and shared your favorite drinks, occasionally dropping a drunk-story from your youths. And the weird part? You found yourself genuinely enjoying his presence. With the way he kept eye-contact with you and made you feel like he was actually listening and comprehending the words falling out of your mouth, laughing and giving you verbal cues that he was following along, it made you see him in a way you hadn’t before.

You were.. enchanted. If it had been any other man, they’d dominate the conversation, going on about themselves the whole time and forcing you to listen. But with Samson, he treated you like an equal. He never cut you off or interjected to relate, waiting until you were entirely done or if you allowed him to weigh in between your thoughts.

“By the way–” he wiped his mouth of any residual beer, “I don’t want this to come off as weird, but you look incredible tonight. I don't think I’ve ever seen you dress in anything other than like, work clothes– and not that you look bad in that!” You giggled as he tripped over his words, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade. “What I’m trying to say is that I think you’re very beautiful, and I don’t want you to think I’m like Fitz.”

Your fingers brushed against his arm, furrowing your eyebrows at him for thinking such things, “Awh, Samson! You’re nothing like him, I hope you know that.”

He smiled down at his feet before back at you, “I know the other day you said that you and Joel weren’t a thing, and Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody– so I guess I’m just triple checking here– is there someone in the picture?”

So this was who Tommy was playing matchmaker for.

Your heart slowed and you fought to keep the innocent smile on your face. Was he approaching you at the bar when you bumped into him? Was he pretending to act like that just to segue into this? Several things ran through your mind as your eyes drifted away from his, and just when he was about to call you back to attention, the devil himself appeared: Tommy.

He swooped in around Samson’s shoulders, nursing a beer in hand. He held a smugness in his demeanor, surely you thought it was about the scene he’d set up until he spoke.

“Looks like you may have a roommate for the night.”

He jerked his hand behind him to a woman leaning against a pillar with Joel standing mere inches in front of her. He stood still with his hands to himself, but dropped his head closer to hers with a clear smile on his face. She beamed up at him with a look you knew all too well, not even attempting to conceal her attraction to him. She laughed too much for your liking while gripping his bicep, probably sneaking in some flirty comment with a double-meaning. Good fucking God.

You thought maybe you had a breakthrough at the lake, but this proved that you clearly didn’t, and you couldn’t believe you were stupid enough to think that what he said had any depth underneath it. Joel cared about you– this you knew. He cared in the same way he cared for Tommy and Ellie. But somewhere along the lines you’d gotten it confused with love, something he had for them, but maybe not you. Samson’s words replayed in your head in a painful reminder.

You said you and Joel weren’t a thing… Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody.. Is there someone in the picture?

Your eyes widened then narrowed, your jaw wiring shut as your chest began to heave. Tommy’s grin fell as he watched your features morph into something between resent and heartbreak, his eyes nervously peering from you, to Joel, to Samson as the alcohol took a momentary backseat.

He’d always sensed something between you and Joel after you settled in, though he knew that neither one of you would ever admit to your feelings for each other out of stubbornness. But he saw the way Joel looked at you after saying you didn’t have someone to call your own this morning, how his big brother almost looked offended by the truth of your answer. The reality was that Samson was interested in you, but Tommy had seen it as an opportunity to put pressure on the status between you both, and now he saw that it didn’t go in the direction of which he hoped and it was clearly affecting you.

“Oh, y’know he won’t take ‘er home! Never’s taken anyone. Not like that with him. Too chickenshit.” He tried his best to play off his earlier comment to put you at ease, but by the way the gap seemed to be closing between them only made the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head in full force.

You cleared your throat as you broke away, grabbing three shots off a nearby high table and handing them to the two men before you, needing to wash down the bitter taste in your mouth. “Oh, Tommy, you must’ve mistaken me for someone who cares. Who knows if I’ll even be going home tonight?”

Samson’s face lit up in surprise as you wiggled your brows at him and grabbed his hand to lead away while leaving Tommy open-mouthed as he saw right through your spite. Breathless curses left his mouth as he watched you disappear through the crowd, a frustration growing towards you and Joel for being so goddamn stupid about each other.

The barkeeps fed you two more shots and another beer. The alcohol was definitely hitting now. A few minutes ago, you were properly pissed off, wanting to storm up to Joel and give him a piece of your mind and telling the woman to go kick rocks, but now you were all over Samson, turning up the charm for him. It didn’t matter anymore if he just wanted to fuck, because maybe you’d just let him. He let out a chuckle and smiled, prompting you to tilt your head at him in question.

“The music tonight has been so fucking good,” he drank from the bottle, a smirk forming on your face, “I mean, when was the last time you heard this song?”

The bass riff and guitars let you know exactly what song had been playing, a long-time favorite of yours. You could’ve answered 'a couple months ago' to his question, but you took silent pride in knowing that he was another person impressed by your picks. He understood your cue as you turned your head to the middle of the room and back, placing his hand on the small of your back as you weaved through people. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder as he drew you closer to him by your waist, moving in sync to the beat.

♫

One of these nights One of these crazy old nights We're gonne find out pretty mama What turns on your lights ...

♫

If intimacy, yearning, and sex was a song, surely it’d be this one.

♫

Ooh.. someone to be kind to In between the dark and the light ...

♫

You sang out with your heart, pressing your body into Samson’s, but knowing the lyrics were about him. And deep down, you wanted him to hear it and think of you. Think of how you were the daughter of the devil himself and the angel in white, the woman he’s been looking for with a little of both and how she is in sight.

Around you were all couples reflecting exactly what you’d been doing, some doing more but your eyes didn’t linger on them long. You caught the faces of work friends and neighbors totally focused on their person as you swayed around, smiling at their fun. Eventually, the whole room sang along, an imperfect harmony to your ears that you couldn’t get tired of hearing tonight.

As the song winded down, Samson held you closer and craned his head down until your foreheads and noses were touching, still swaying to the guitar riffs. You took it a step further and pressed your mouth to his, your hand cupping his cheek and fingertips grazing his hair. You hadn’t expected anything out of it other than the feeling of your lips on someone else’s, but you didn’t pull away. You couldn’t. Your tongues found one another every other kiss, deepening as they went. His warmth kept you glued to him, and you found yourself taking a liking to his taste of alcohol and.. mint, maybe? Definitely something with an icy, refreshing hint.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been kissing, or kissing enough times that it was leading to straight-up making out, until you heard clear hoots and whistles during the switch between songs. When you pulled away, his lips were noticeably more plump compared to earlier, and the tingling sensation on yours let you know that they probably looked the same. You bit your bottom lip as you looked around at the ones cheering you on, the corners of your mouth curling up, but you broke out into a complete grin once you saw his face.

♫

Off with your head Dance til you're dead Heads will roll Heads will roll ...

♫

You’d almost tripped over your own two feet, discreetly looking over Samson’s shoulder from left to right to make sure you were seeing things right, and the excitement you felt when they were? Unmatched. And almost as if it’d been planned, the perfect song was playing.

If he’d been giving you or Samson a death-stare, you couldn’t tell, but either way, you loved seeing the scowl on his face. His fingers tightly curled around his beer that if he did it any tighter it’d break, the hard lines on his face prominent to you even this far away. You situated yourself to the side, giving him the perfect view as you brushed your nose against Samson’s, giving him your best doe eyes before melting into his mouth again, making sure that Joel could see the smile on your lips when you broke away and went back for more.

Your body winded up as the song progressed, building up to the drop and heavy riff. The strobe lights blinked quickly enough to cause a stroboscopic effect on everyone’s movement, perceiving them to move slower than they actually were. But when you looked back at Joel, he stayed completely still, his eyes locked on you between the several bodies that separated you from him. He looked so.. menacing.. that it made you shiver and throb. A wicked grin spread on your lips.

♫

Off, off with your head! Dance, dance til you're dead!

♫

Turning around, you pressed into Samson and grinded your backside into him. His hands were off you as quickly they were on you, frowning at the absence, you spun around and saw why: Tommy, again. You’d suspected something bad from the way his gaze fell back and forth between you both and he had a strong hand on his shoulder, but were eased when Samson held up a finger to you and smiled.

As much as you wanted to dance, you also wanted another drink, the empty bottle in your hand now warm from holding it for so long. Sliding shoulders through the floor, you looked between the bar and the bathroom, choosing to make the pitstop before continuing on. Pushing in the door, you were relieved there wasn’t a line, darting into an open stall to squat and do your business. As you finished, another body entered the bathroom in heels that clicked and echoed until they stopped in front of the sink, to what you imagined was a woman checking her makeup. When you got out, you saw their reflection in the mirror– indeed they’d been checking their face, but it’d also been the woman that’d been smitten with Joel. You paid no mind to her other than your initial glance, ignoring her presence and harshly scrubbing the soap on your hands.

“That older Miller’s somethin’, ain’t he?” Your hands froze under the running water. “I only got a taste earlier, but I bet he’s real good in bed.”

The fuck does she mean she got a taste earlier?

Your face must’ve been showing too much of a reaction based on the stupid fucking smile on hers and a snobbish laugh. Not even bothering to dry off your hands with paper towel, you rubbed them against your jeans and threw the door open to leave, storming up to the bar and impatiently tapping your fingers against the wood as you waited.

Fuck her, and fuck Joel. And you know what? Fuck Tommy, too. If he hadn’t brought it to your attention, maybe you wouldn’t have seen it. Then you wouldn’t have downed one too many drinks and legitimately considered sleeping with someone as rebound off hurt feelings, and then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be feeling like all kinds of fucked up right now. You blinked back the burning in your eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry over this right now.

The lights returned to their original dimness and calmed down on the strobes, allowing you to search around a bit easier for any of the three people you found yourself with most tonight, but had no luck. Samson and Tommy were out of sight, and you didn’t have the slightest idea of what he pulled Samson away for. As for Joel, he moved from the last spot you remembered him in, or was it over there? You shook your head. It didn’t take much contemplation to decide on going home, you had your fun, but it was over, and you were too far gone to spark it back up in any capacity.

You held your arms tight to your body as you embraced the cool air on the walk to Rancher Street, a fair distance from the Tipsy Bison. The lightness in your head caused you to stumble quite a bit, wishing that either your house was closer or that someone would’ve walked with you. Other times when you drank too much, though it didn’t happen very often, either Tommy or Joel were right there at your side to get you home safe, but you wanted to throw yourself in someone’s yard and pass the fuck out rather than be alone.

Stomping up the porch, you caught yourself on the doorknob last minute as you tripped, fumbling it open and pushing inside. You ungracefully dropped to your ass, tugging at the aglets of your laces in the dark until the knots came undone and kicked your shoes off. So focused on keeping yourself upright, you hadn’t noticed Joel staring at you while leaning against the entryway of the living room with his arms crossed.

“Wasn’t expecting you.” His tone was deep and flat. You scoffed as you got off the floor, face contorting as you mocked him.

“I live here, don’t I?”

“Alone, I meant.” You shook your head as you walked past him, but he grabbed your wrist and held you in place, feeling the heat of his glare on your back. “You gon’ tell me what the hell that was back there?”

You met his eyes over your shoulder. “That was me having a good time. Same as you with that lovely woman.”

“Bullshit.” He shot back. “That wasn’t the same.”

“Oh, please,” you scoffed while yanking your wrist back, turning into the kitchen and bracing yourself along the island, “s’hardly a difference.”

“Really?” He followed you, his frustration apparent in the way his jaw clenched. “‘Cause it sure looked like you were all over him tryin’ to prove somethin’.”

You pointed at yourself, “I don’t have anything to prove to anybody!” you snapped, the words coming out slow but loud, “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re jealous.”

His eyes darkened, slowly taking a step towards you, “I am not-”

“Then what the fuck is wrong?” You staggered around the island on the emphasis of the curse, throwing your hands up, “I didn’t do a damn thing, and you’re losing your fucking head!”

“You didn’t– Wow.” A wry laugh came out his mouth. He waved you off, his tone dripping with bitterness. “I ain’t gotta explain myself to you.”

“And neither do I!” You retorted in defiance, your arms grandly gesturing. Your cheeks were hot with anger now, more so than before. “I can do whatever the hell I want, Joel! I don’t need your fucking permission!”

He dragged a hand down his face, turning away from you before whipping around and meeting you at the end of the island, raising his voice at you. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re insufferable!” you seethed as you pushed his chest, his hands seizing your wrists, “Acting like you have some fucking claim over me when we’re not even together!”

The silence after your outburst was deafening.

His anger faltered as a flash of pain crossed his face, quickly making your own frustration subside. The hard lines on his face deepened, a slight frown and somberness settling upon it. His grip on your wrists remained firm, but there was a hint of vulnerability in his touch. You wanted to blame the alcohol for making you so mean, but it was really the floodgate of feelings that’d been repressed for far too long.

You huffed, “Joel, I-” he interrupted you by tearing his eyes away from yours and releasing your wrists.

The pang in your chest was unmistakable. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was the part where everything was supposed to come out, to confront the truth of your feelings, but instead he was backing away, retreating and shutting down that conversation before it could even begin. You said his name again, but he simply raised his hand and continued to walk out of the kitchen.

Fuck– No. No, no, no. Your dejection passed and your temper flared up again. No, he doesn’t get to just walk away.

“Joel!” You called out, your voice tinged with frustration and desperation, “Joel, stop!”

But he didn’t. He kept walking, putting more distance between you and fueling your determination. Your heart was pounding as you quickened your pace to catch up with him upstairs, his arm just out of reach before he slammed his door in your face. He didn’t respond when you pounded on the door and demanded for him to come out, your temper mixing between anger and hurt.

“Screw you, Joel! I’m so tired of this– whatever the fuck this is!” Your voice trembled, feeling a punch to the gut when you remembered an obnoxiously accurate point he’d made to you once before. “I-I fucked up– but people do things when they’re scared!”

Your eyes stung, and it hadn’t dawned on you yet that you were potentially jeopardizing everything by blabbering off, but you couldn’t stop now.

“I can’t- Fuck-” a ruined sigh forced itself out your lungs, your thoughts moving too fast for you to comprehend, “If you’re gonna break my heart, do it now, because I can’t-”

You didn’t know when he’d opened the door and stepped out, but you stopped your rambling as soon as you saw him. The silence fell heavy, the only sound being his boots stepping towards you until his chest was nearly touching yours and his breath fanned over your skin. Your eyes darted around his face, from his eyes, to his nose, lips, beard, and back to his eyes again. Just the slightest inch forward and you’d be touching him, the fact making you shiver and fiercely pulse between your thighs.

Your heart ached when you saw the raw emotion in his eyes– an amalgamation of sadness, yearning, lust, and tenderness– all things you grew to be familiar with when you found yourselves running in circles. You couldn’t stand the way his eyes flickered between yours and how his warm hands were slowly reaching up to cup your face. And how you could now feel his chest pressed against yours. And how his lips parted. And that fucking look on his face.

“Joel,” you quavered, “don’t..”

But he knew.

A soft, broken breath escaped you as it was all suddenly becoming too real, reaching the point of no return.

“Don’t look at me like that unless you mean it.”

His lips crashed into yours.

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller fic #tlou #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #annasmasterlist #annawrites

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floufli · 11 months

Text

Admit It

Chapter 2 : Consequences (5k)

Summary:

Before the whole "multiverse collapsing" thing, everything was going pretty smoothly for you. As Spider-woman, you saved people, beat up villains and lived an calm and uneventful civilian life. But everything seemed to have changed the moment one boy was bitten by some radioactive spider. Now, the villains you faced have become more active, and always seemed to disappear before you could deliver them to the police. One day, you manage to finally catch the trail of the ones that kept stealing your catches, only to be left to discover another facet of your life waiting for you.

Will this end well for you? You could only hope so. But you are perfectly okay with risking it all, after all, that "Miguel" got one hell of an ass to make up for it.

Tags:

Miguel o'hara x fem!reader, violence, 18+ MINOR NON FRIENDLY SO HOP HOP GET OUT OF HERE, future tags

Chap: (1)

MasterList

Don't copy to another site or I'm gonna be big mad >:C and don't feed to AI obviously

Author notes:

Doing this instead of doing exam stuff related. Tried do to 3k didn't work now take this 5k and the smutty bit . I wanted to put Miguel's POV but it would have been 7 or 8k so it'll be for next chap.

I'll probably edit it later bc there're parts I find weirdly written but anyways-

Why did I do that already? Ah! Yeah! I remember, to " not miss all the fun". Silly me... HOW IS THAT FUNNY???

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT !!" You screamed at the top of your lungs as you almost immediately regretted going through that damned portal. One second you were walking onto a nice- beautiful even, concrete floor, and the next you got yourself propelled into a way too colorful void that made your eyes hurt.

Why does everything they have must be so bright? Does it not make their head hurt, like, please??

But right as of now, you thought the colorfulness of this new environment to be one of your less important problems. At least for now.

You were more concerned as to where you were actually heading, a slight panic running through your body as you realized you had no control whatsoever over your direction or speed. You didn't mind not knowing where you were going to land, no problem, but you would prefer not to crash into a building- or even better the ground, at 100km/h.

Quickly asserting the situation, you tried to take as much information as you could. Looking around yourself, you could observe ass you traveled into what could be a sort of invisible tunnel, if an invisible tube could be called a tunnel, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of the tunnel but anyway. Although you could see some kind of geometrical forms that set the global shape of the way, like guides that allowed the tunnel to go the right way.

The feeling almost made you sick. Sure swinging around was something you now excelled in, but being moved around so much that you lost sense of up and down was now something you dread to experience again.

That's something I'll never get used to. You thought as your eyes tried to find something to anchor yourself before you could throw up your last meal.

Thanks to whoever designed this thing, the experience was quite short, even if quite extreme. In only mere seconds after your entry into the portal, you were back in the real world. And not this weird in-between dimension that threw your senses off.

As much as you were thrilled for the experience to be over, your eyes stung at the bright lighting at the end of the way. But you got no time to rest and recover properly your vision. The moment your body went through the blinding light, gravity suddenly seemed to reappear, pushing you down toward the ground. Acting by instinct at this point, you let your body react by itself as it reoriented itself so you would land carefully on your two feet, and not head first.

" Ah.." You sighed, appreciating the comforting weight of gravity. You raise to your full height, arms by your side, you let your eyes take as many details around you as they could, while your ears tried to assert if there were any threats nearby.

That's a pretty big elevator.

Your eyes were amazed by the sight you were met with. By just looking from side to side, you could see the breathtaking, future-like sight behind the thick protection glass. Incredible buildings stretched so far up into the deep blue sky that you almost could believe your own eyes. How was it even possible? That must be some kind of dimension that's set well into the future for it to be so technologically advanced.

The scenery was pure beauty, roads were spreading around each building like a gigantic snake, embracing each gap and swirling in the place. And unlike your world, those were set up in the sky, allowing an astonishing field of green to surround the whole city.

OH.MY. ARE THOSE FLYING CARS?!

It was still hard to tell from this distance, and knowing that the elevator was actually moving upwards, but you could swear those cars looked weird as fuck.

…Wait, they definitely were flying...there wasn't any road for them to be on ??!

Too caught up in your own excitement, you didn't notice the three people waiting with you while the elevator moved. Running towards one of the glass windows you almost pressed your face against it to better examine this completely new view. But you quickly dismissed the idea once you saw that the elevator was in fact just a platform and putting your face against the window would result in your face being squished down along the elevator's movement.

Wait that's weird... why is everything upside down?

It took you a good minute to realize that your entire vision was in fact upside-down and that your body was in fact dangling into the void, only kept from falling by your talons. Despite the fact that the spikes on your feet were considerably huge, it seems like you didn't notice them piercing into the platform's ground.

Thanks, weird spider instincts. You thought amused, it would have been quite embarrassing if you had landed just for you to fall down because you couldn't spot that the gravity was inverted.

Parting from the glass, you looked behind you. Three different pairs of eyes met your own. You almost let a laugh escape your lips when you saw the scene, stopping yourself last second, but unable to help the smile on your lips.

While the two other Spiderwomen- you guessed you could call them like that for now, were standing perfectly straight on their feet despite the gravity trying to pull them down, Vulture was dangling weirdly, only hold back by the firm grip of the youngest Spider. Seeing something falling upwards wasn't really common in your job, as you almost never let yourself be put in a taught enough situation that would force you to be left head down.

Vulture wasn't as pleased as you were on another note. His face was one of pure worry as he frequently stared at the girl holding his restrained body and then the abysmal void separating him from the bottom of the building. You could almost catch beads of sweat sliding profusely from his now pale face.

"Enjoying the view?" The woman asked with a smile of her own, all the while she was playing with something on her watch-like device. From her relaxed brows, everything was going as usual for her. This told you a lot about the situation as a whole; if they were really who they pretended to be, fellow Spider-Men from; different universes, then they could be many more than just these two and the “Miguel” from before.

“Yeah, flying cars are not really a thing at home. This view is really something to behold.” You stated breathily, even if you didn’t know them- not even their names you realized, you could let your guard down, you could feel it.

It had been so long since you felt this safe.

Not having to worry about enemies coming to stab you in the back, always looking out for people's betrayals, it really was refreshing to say the very least. A much-needed break indeed.

“Miguel’s dimension is surely more advanced than most of ours, that’s for sure!” The woman laughed as if amused by your almost pure reaction to the scenery. Just as she finished doing whatever she was doing with her watch, the elevator started to slow down, and you walked up to where they were currently standing- waiting to arrive at your destination.

But just as you were about to stand before them a sudden vague of pain came through you. The feeling, despite short-lived, left you breathless, contorting in pain, you lost your balance and almost fell to your knees. But weirdly you didn’t.

It was as if you were shredded into pieces, and while you tried to scream, you could hear the bugged sounds that came out of your mouth. You really felt like a scratched disc that kept coming back to one scene over and over.

Thankfully, it went away as quickly as it came. You were now crouched down just next to the older woman, who had lowered herself in the meantime you were out. Now extending her arms, presenting you with a sort of elastic bracelet.

“Shit! I’m so sorry girl, that completely slipped out of my mind. There put this one on, it will stop you from doing that again, I know it’s not the best feeling.” She said to you, expression full of remorse while you quickly put on the thing.

“ That’s for sure..” You breathed, “Shit, that fucking hurt ugh-” You straightened yourself while she stayed near in case you needed help, but in mere seconds you were back to full form.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry again, a lot of things to do at the same time and you weren’t on today’s agenda.” Just as she finished her sentence, the elevator came to a stop, it’s lack of a door allowing you to fully take in the view in front of you.

“But don’t worry, Lyla will give you a real Goober since Miguel asked her to, you should have it soon enough.”

You didn’t pay as much attention as you probably should have to her words, too focused on observing the impossible scene.

There were so many Spider-Men and Spider-Women everywhere.

But you didn’t get the chance to admire them more, the two women and their package were already well ahead of you, still in the elevator.

Oops, wait for meeee!!

You quickly took off towards them, but still, let ourself look around the bright alleys. They were covering almost every centimeter available, from the floor up to the ceiling, thanks to the Spider capacities they surely possessed too.

You jogged behind the two women, avoiding the Spiders that came in your way while saluting the ones that acknowledged you.

“Jessica, do you bring us a new one? Does Miguel knows about that one?” A voice came from your right, a Spider-Man, his suit a deep red and light blue. He seemed to have been talking with others, but your presence must have caught his attention.

How does he even know I’m new here? WE ALL LOOK THE SAME. HOW?

“YES AND YES PETER.” The woman, Jessica, answered without missing a beat, walking unfalteringly toward a gate a bit farther into the ‘main’ way.

The other spider let go almost immediately after her answer, going back to his previous discussion.

“Don’t worry, they are all pretty chill when you get to know them.” The young girl spoke while you continued to look around, catching your attention.

“Yeah, since we’re all Spiders from different dimensions I figured we must be the nice guys I guess. I shouldn’t be too worried about them trying something.” You nodded, and the youngster laughed softly at your response.

“I could even present you some, I’m sure you could get along just fine with Hobby.” She continued as you all entered a darker zone of the building, the atmosphere changing immediately. It even smelled different from the main hall.

The scent is different here but it feels off. Like there’s something behind it? You took a long inspiration. It’s not strong but I can definitely smell something.

It smells pretty good too. Like a subtle mix of pine and oak, just strong enough to pick on but not too overwhelming either.

Hell, it smells divine.

As if in a trance, you followed while they approached different cells-like containers, each filled with what you could recognize as a villain from your own dimension, except slightly different.

Jessica stopped before what looked like an inactivated cell, pushing some sort of code into a nearby panel while the girl approached and put down the Vulture right in the middle of the device that served as the cell’s base.

The moment he left her arms the cel activated, a bright purple hue commit to completely encapsulated him, leaving him unable to leave.

“ They wait here before we send them back to their own dimensions,” The girl said as she pulled down her mask, before pointing toward another room, behind some control panels. “ We got a supper-and-absolutely-not-scary giant spider robot that scans their DNA before sending them back. Super effective.”

“Totally humane and professional.” You completed as you began to see white appendages leaving a hole you didn’t notice in the ceiling, red yes soon following as the gigantic thing came out to work on the prisoner that was just scanned.

Yep! Not scary! Not scary at all!

Quickly, you turned around before you could witness anything more this spider thing was about to do, and chose to follow the two women, staying closer to the girl that seemed more eager to talk.

“I’m Gwen between, I’ve not been here for much longer than you don’t worry, only a month or so. So I know what it feels like at first.” She tried to reassure you, that was easy to tell. But you weren’t stressed, or at least not as much as you think you should have been.

It’s weird. Since I smelt the scent I feel almost at ease.

But there’s more to it, I can feel my entire body heating up.

…Don’t tell me they got some strange laboratory things going on in there and I’m the only one affected… That would be so embarrassing.

You could feel your face heating as you walked. You chatted calmly with the Girl after introducing yourself, and she seemed eager to talk to someone, but inside, you were screaming. It was beginning to be difficult to breathe with your mask, the scent becoming stronger and stronger as you approached a somber room with a sort of platform attached to a metallic arm that stretched into the darkness.

It’s dark enough here, I should be able to pull it off without dying from a headache.

Mimicking the actions of the girl, Gwen, from moments prior, you raised your hand to pull your mask off swiftly, a sigh of pure satisfaction leaving you as the cold air of the room hit your burning face.

I hope I'm not too red or I'll need to make something up.

Thankfully no one seemed to notice your very much cherry-colored face, possibly due to the low lighting of the room to begin with.

Get your hormones in check for fuck's sake.

"Everything's alright here?" Jessica asked as she could tell something was visibly bugging you from the frown on your face.

"Yeah, Yeah everything's good. Just trying to take in all the new info you know?" You answered quickly, but not without missing the curious face Gwen threw your way.

Your eyes went back to Jessica, she was next to the control panel now, and just as she had been doing all the way here, she taped some code on the display. But this time, a holographic figure appeared just next to her.

"Hey, Lyla!" The girl next to you greeted cheerfully the hologram. Wait, THEY HAVE ADVANCED AI TOO?

"Hi Gwen, what's up? Still, sticking with poor old Jess? Miggy still hasn't let you go alone on a mission?" The yellowish woman asked, her form teleporting just next to the girl in question.

"You already know the answer to that Lyla-" Gwen answered, defeated, "I'm ready, at this point I'm just waiting for SOMEONE to tell him that I'm ready too."

The glare she threw at Jessica couldn't be missed, even if you tried, her eyes full of expectations but only met with blank ones.

"Hey it's not my job to babysit, I will have plenty of work when this one will be there," She said while pressing her hand on her belly," If you're sooo ready just go and tell him you are. That shouldn't be difficult for someone as good as you." She finished, a wicked smile playing on her features, obviously teasing the girl.

The two continued their own playful arguing, you could only stand by and watch, at least until the AI- Lyla apparently finally noticed you.

"OH! YOU'RE THE NEWBY MIGGUEL SAID TO MAKE THE GIZMO FOR!" The hologram appeared right in your face, causing you to jump in surprise. She looked like a twenty-something years old woman, a short brunette, and she smiled at you friendly.

"Yeah, I guess that's me..." Everything was starting to become a bit too much for you, having enhanced senses had its pros and cons, and being easily overwhelmed was one of them, and the strange but pleasant scent that invaded your mind didn't help your body to calm down.

"Good, I'm sure you got your own Spidey things to do so we're gonna be brief." She said happily, moving around with way too much energy for such a little thing. "Take that first, it's way better than the daily pass you have right there."

A bracelet similar to the one you saw on the two women materialized in front of you, and you quickly reached out to catch it, not wanting it to break.

Pulling off the elastic bracelet from your right arm, you rapidly replaced it with its metallic counterpart. Up close, you could see the amount of detail and work that went into the item's conception, from the small display to the multiple buttons there and there.

"We'll teach you how to you it don't worry, it's not that hard when you know what to do." Lyla declared confidently, from her proud expression, she must have been the one designing the item.

"But first-" Jessica turned from Lyla to face you.

"-First we'll explain to you everything that has happened." Lyla cut off, earning an angry look from Jessica.

Finally. You thought. it's not like I came here for that in the first place but kinda.

Suddenly the whole room became pitch black, and a beam of white light rose from the middle of it, urging you to come closer. The beam began to take the form of a tree, and from there you could only listen as both Jessica and Lyla explained to you the story of this organization.

"These webs linked us all together," Jessica started, "And one year ago, a gap was left in it, allowing people from one dimension to enter another, those we call anomalies."

"And if we don't do anything, all the worlds could be destroyed."

Waving goodbye to your new colleagues, you stepped into the portal after making sure it was set to your dimension. The trip wasn't as bad as the first, since you were now expecting the whole floating part, but still, it will definitely need to be improved.

When you landed, you were surprised to see yourself in your flat, in the middle of your living room. Almost falling to your knees in relief for the day to FINALLY be over, you caught yourself last second, instead falling face-first into your sofa.

Your body was aching everywhere and you could already feel the headache in your temple, the distinct throbbing enough to let a painful whimper escape your lips.

Need to shower and put this off.

After inhaling heavily, to prepare yourself mentally for the pain to come, you finally rose to your two feet and headed to the bathroom. You took your sweet time undressing, delaying as much as you could the moment the cold air of the room would touch your sensitive skin.

Your flat was modest, and so was your bathroom, you didn't have a very big salary at your local job, and doing Spider-Woman exploit didn't pay shit. Free work all along and still some people got the nerve to hold it to you when you made the slightest mistake.

'Go on take the work' You had wanted to yell more than once. But deep down you knew no one would take your place if it meant going through what you did to have this kind of powers.

As you managed to get most of your suit off, you couldn't but notice the smell that came from off of it. The same as the one in that place in the HQ building. Miguel's 'office' would you had learned it to be. The memory of the man's face still vivid in your mind.

Poor guy, he really lost everything he had. And I can't imagine the amount of guilt he has accumulated over time from that.

And still despite your kind words you couldn't help your body's reaction the moment your eyes met the sculpted body of your new boss. At this moment you thanked every god and goddess you knew the name of to have made this room so dark. If you think you were feeling kind of hot before, then now you were burning from the inside out, everything felt ten times as what you were used to. Sounds, images, odors, everything was multiplied and allowed you to sense almost everything that was going on inside and outside the room.

But it was useless, as your eyes only seemed to see interest in this Miguel's divine complexion.

And damn if your suit didn't make your body heat up once more. Chills ran through your entire body, your talons and fangs starting to stretch despite the fact you didn't want them to. You desperately tried to control yourself, tried to let go of the fabric in your hands, but it seems your body wasn't cooperating. Instead, your hand rose the piece of fabric to your face, allowing you to smell the full fragrance still enclosed in its fibers.

"Shit-" You hissed, as one of your hands grabbed the edge of the sink, your legs were starting to give up on you. You didn't feel this aroused in- hell you've never been this turned on in your entire life and that's saying something about yourself right now. Why was it happening now? It wasn't nearly as bad when you were there, it should have calmed down and not worsened!

You could only let yourself fall on your knees in an attempt to calm yourself, maybe the coldness of the tiles would help? Well, it didn't. Now you could hear a cracking sound coming from above and below you, your talons and claws surely pushing the ceramic of the sink and the tiles to its limit.

As embarrassing as the whole thing was would feel yourself growing soaked, your entire core on fire, waiting for something you weren't sure only your fingers could provide. But your resolution to control yourself started to falter.

So while your nose was still buried deep into the fabric, mouth agape while you inhaled the divine sent, your other slowly caressed your body, starting by your neck, luckily your claws still retracted the moment they touched your skin. You tried to imagine how his body would feel below yours, how his fingers would feel against your skin, would they be rough or smooth? Oh- What you could do to this man at this instant.

Your hand was now on your breasts, your hand easily englobing the mound of flesh, playing with it just the way you liked, causing small moans to escape your drooling mouth. Your hips began to move with a mind of their own, swinging back and forth against nothing, the feeling at your core begging to be too much.

Leaving your other breast without giving it the same attention, you let your hand make its descent towards you screaming for attention vulva. You breathed heavily into your suit, both yours and his scent mixed making your mind go crazy.

"Fuck-Ah!" You jumped as your fingers first made contact with your aching clit, the simple touch almost enough to immediately send you over the edge. Your whole body was tensing now, waiting for something to release the unbearable tension.

Tentatively, your finger started to play around with your sensitive clit, sending powerful waves of pure pleasure through you that left your mind practically blank- except for the image of this beauty of a man panting below you.

Hips grinding on your hand, chasing for more, you allowed one finger to begin spreading your wet folds, sighting in relief when a new sort of pleasure overwhelmed your senses.

But still, it wasn't enough, you were fully moaning into your suit while three fingers worked hard on spreading you and your hips still grinded hard on your palm, trying to get as much stimulation as you could.

You had the picture perfectly painted in your head, mimicking your current depraved act, you would be riding that man until he'd beg you to stop, or until you were fully satisfied. He would look so good with tears in his eyes, you thought, the constant brows on his face as its appeal but god- what would give out to be the one making sure he was milked until there was nothing much he could give you.

You licked your dried lips at the thought, your tongue brushing slowly upon your bared fangs. You panted heavily, sensing your orgasm approach way faster than usual, the familiar tightness in your core becoming more and more unbearable, but promising a delightful end for all the torture it had been.

You curled on yourself when you grinded particularly hard on your clit, provoking a shockwave that made on fall on the floor of the bathroom. You must have been quite the sight, ass up in the air, hand pushing your suit in your face, all the while you now grinded with a desperate thrust into your hand.

Shit-shit-shit!!

Your entire frame tenses when your orgasm finally hit you full force, the hotness of your core spreading across every centimeter of skin, up until your face. Instinct taking over, you let yourself sink your teeth deep into the fabric still pushed in your face, and the moment your fangs sank in completely, you could feel your own venom ooze out of them.

"Ah AH-" You tried to muffle your sound but to no avail. Fingers still moving against and inside you, you tried to make the few waves of pleasure last as much as you could, even if it meant overstimulating you a tiny bit. After the last bit of pleasure eventually faded, you stayed immobile for a few more minutes, struggling to comprehend what exactly had just happened.

What. The. Fuck. Was. THAT?

Still slightly out of breath from your previous activity, you slowly rose back up, wincing at the feeling of your fingers leaving your leaking cunt. Sitting on your knees, you tried to assert the situation.

You looked intensely at your wet hand, your mind still not processing everything that just happened, as if it had been totally disconnected, leaving your body to be ruled solely by primary and animalistic instincts.

You stood up, not without faltering for an instant, where you incredible sense of equilibria when you needed it?

"Okay. Okay. That is just horny me, no need to think about it. It's just the Sider DND going berserk because of a pretty guy." Your reasoning was strong, at least you thought it to be, just enough to convince you would surely do the work. Looking up into the mirror about your sink, you stared at yourself, hand grabbing its edge with way too much force, causing your fingers to go white and a small crack to appear.

You looked absolutely disheveled, your already not very tidy hair now tangled in a messy patch of color. Your eyes were bloodshot red, your pupils still dilated, taking over most of your eyes, leaving no place for its original color to sip through. Along with you still, open mouth and bared fangs, your shoulder moving up and down in rapid breaths.

You looked monstrous, quite literally. If someone were to see you like this, it would be more than understandable if they suddenly took off running, fearing for their life. You seemed ready to attack anything that come your way, but you could help to find a certain charm to your current state. Sure you looked savage, but the good kind of savage.

Hell, you even though you looked pretty hot like that.

Turning on the sink you quickly rinsed off your hand, a sudden wave of fatigue shutting you down. You then took a quick shower to rinse off any residue of dirk of concrete from today's work, along with the last proofs of your own excitement.

In less than fifteen minutes you were out of the shower, patting yourself dry, and getting ready for bed after throwing your suit in the washing machine before the smell would get you to do this again-and it almost made you sad to know that the only piece of this sent would be gone. Leaving the bathroom after opening a window to evacuate the fog, you stepped into your leaving room for a quick dinner, nothing too fancy.

You took from the fridge some leftovers from this afternoon, some rice along with a small piece of marinated fish, which will be more than enough. You ate at your own pace, not bothered by the clock ticking, reminding you of today's day of work. When you finished, you took out your phone, making sure you didn't forget to activate your alarms.

You entered your bedroom languidly, the darkness of the room comforting you, and with eyes as sensitive as yours, seeing in the dark was included in the package. Putting your phone to charge and the watch thingy- a Gizmo you had learned, o the night table, you throw yourself into the smooth and soft sheets of your bed.

As you found a comfortable position to fall asleep, your mind went back to what today had taught you, memories of all the Spider-men and women invading your mind, and fatally- the image of this Miguel you didn't even know as you watched him lose everything he had.

What a shitty person I am for having this kind of thought toward that poor guy.

Your eyelids were now starting to feel heavy, and before you could react your eyes closed on their own accord, your conscience beginning to drift away.

Thought shutting down as you began to fall asleep you could help but come back to what you saw at the HQ, but this time without the guilty feeling, thanks to being half-asleep.

But he got that cake... Bigger than me.. that's for sure...

Tag list : (tell me if you want to be added/deleted)

@stany0url0calwh0res111 @mira-dystopiancore @smotheredinlighterfluid @vvitcxen @st4rrlighttt @mstozierr @maxi-ride @miguelsmainb @autismsupermusicalassassin @bluevenus19 @jenniferdixon05207 @candlewitch-cryptic @ahoeformyself @rxionv

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raysofcrosby · 2 years

Text

you are in love – m. tkachuk

warning(s): fluff, small angst, insinuation of smut ((barely)) and sadness<333

inspired by: you are in love by taylor swift w a lil twist<33

word count: 33,031

an: hi ya i’ve been MIA on the writing scene for a bit bc just a general plateau of inspiration but oh lookey here, what’s this??? a new fic??? buckle up besties bc i wrote this in literally four hours and crying about 80% of the time bc i was deep in my feels for over a day when i wrote it, so it’s not edited, probs wont even make any sense either but ya enjoy cool!!! also if it doesn't make any sense thats bc a lot of this was edited from what the original version was and i had to add a bunch of filler shit to make it a hockey fic vs just my personal way of letting my emotions out. so again, don't mind it, enjoy the fic, blah blah blah okay bye<333. ((an 2.0: p.s. i wrote this way before ratty's trade, but added it in the end so if the timeline doesn't add up don't attack pls bc like i said...tons of filler was added)) *italics indicate flashbacks*

You never realize how much stuff can fill a one bedroom apartment until the fifth trip to the store to buy more moving boxes because you seriously underestimated just how much you owned. That could arguably be one of the top three worst things when it comes to moving, tied with actually having to pack your stuff and shifting through what to keep and what to give away.

Luckily, Riley had all the time in the world seeing as she had no responsibilities aside from doing exactly what she was doing in this moment- packing up everything and anything she owned and managed to shove into her 744 square foot apartment she’d called home for the last two years. A mixture of memories brought from home and collected during her time here were all over the apartment, and now in a week's time, they needed to be shoved into multiple moving boxes labeled properly so she wouldn’t be going on a wild goose chase when it came to unpacking them again.

Unluckily, she was also the type of person who found herself easily distracted whenever she came across something that she’d either forgotten she’d owned altogether, or that she’d remember misplacing at one point in time and just never found. A coffee mug, and part gag gift that had “don’t speak” on it from her dad who always jokes that she’s unable and not willing to have a conversation before drinking at least half a cup of coffee– it was buried in the middle back of her cabinet with her other mugs. A swear word coloring book meant for her sister that had somehow slipped behind her bedside table. The journal her mom had gifted her her first Christmas into her masters courses when she’d mentioned how she thought about starting journaling every day as one of her New Year's resolutions.

Riley couldn’t remember the last time she had written in it, though she knew she’d kept the habit up for at least a minimum of the entirety of January, so she flipped open the journal, watching the blank pages brush by until she saw the black ink of the pen she’d always used to write in it. And in the top right corner, was the date of her last entry– March 11th.

She didn’t need to read the entry to remember what she’d written in it…but she was already here, with the journal wide open in her hands…what could it hurt to relive the memory she’d written down on that day?

“Hey, so Jacob and Bren have got pretty much everything packed up in the pod,” Claire said, walking into the now empty apartment and stopping by the bar of the kitchen island where Riley had been leaning. “Are you ready to lock it up or is there some stuff you still need to add?”

Riley looked up from the journal, shutting the hardcover journal– the front of it decorated in pink watercolor pastel and a small bouquet of yellow flowers with the phrase “through sun and rain, flowers bloom all the same” written in black cursive, the pink marking ribbon hanging outside of the lined pages instead of marking where she’d last left off like it was supposed to be.

“Um no, no,” she replied, glancing up from the journal and shaking her head as she placed the journal into the box on the counter next to her, folding the flaps properly and locking them in each other before sliding it off of the counter and holding it in her arms. “Just this box here, but I’ve got it.”

Claire nodded and turned to face what had previously been a homey living room, but was now just an empty room full of potential possibilities. “It feels weird to see this place empty again since I still remember Jacob and I helping you move in with Bren, mom and dad two years ago. I guess it’s a little sad too,” she looked at Riley, nudging her with her shoulder. “But I guess I’m proud of you for getting this job, though I will miss having you within instant bugging distance of me.”

“Gee, thanks,” Riley replied, stepping away from the counter. “Come on, let’s go put this in the pod so we can lock it up and call the company to pick it up soon.”

“Tell me that means we can get early dinner too, right? I’m absolutely starving.” Claire huffed, grabbing the keys to the apartment off of the counter and following behind Riley as they left the now empty place she once called home.

“We can,” Riley nodded, stopping just outside the door as she watched Claire lock the apartment door before they started moving down the hall and towards the elevator. “But I have one more thing I need to do before that.”

Claire’s eyebrows furrowed for only a split second before she pursed her lips and nodded. “That’s right, yeah we’ll totally make a stop before dinner. And then after that–”

“St. Louis,” Riley sighed, her thumbs rubbing against the cardboard in her hands as she nodded. “Yeah, bright and early, first flight out of here.”

“Then you’re Boston bound once Mom and Dad get their trips down memory lane in,” Claire smiled, looking down at her phone and typing.

For a moment as she followed behind Claire, she looked down at the box, seeing her own writing in black sharpie across one of the flabs– “Miscellaneous Junk – Riles’ room” “Did you write this on the box?”

Claire looked over her shoulder as the elevator doors opened and peered at the box, nodding her head. “Yeah, it’s just a bunch of junk from your desk isn’t it? Nothing really important is in there, just your knick knacks and stuff from your drawers.”

‘Nothing really important’ stung her harder than it probably should have because sure, she’d asked Claire to go through her desk and toss whatever was left into one box, but that was before she’d looked in and seen what was in it. Random stickers, concert lanyards, the gag gift of a gift box of glow in the dark condoms Janelle had given her– so many of the things in there fell under the junk title Claire had given the box…the ‘nothing really important’ category. But not that journal…nothing written on those lined pages was junk, everything in that journal mattered to Riley.

It took everything in her not to reach in and grab the journal from inside the box, but she didn’t want to gain her sister’s attention or want her interest to be piqued on what was within the hardcover gift. So instead, she just readjusted her grip onto the box and thought about all the ways she might be able to sneak it out without anyone noticing before they put the box into the pod, which would be shipped off to Boston, hopefully later tonight.

There were only 69 entries in that journal, there should’ve been at least 184, but the way she’d gotten swept up in life every day after March 11th, writing in that journal had slipped to the very back of her mind. But every moment of those 69 entries and the 114 days after that, all the way up to that moment on July 2nd that felt world ending, to today– July 4th…it all mattered.

DAY 12 – JANUARY 12TH, 2022 [ FIRST MEETING ]

“I have absolutely no right to be here right now,” Riley said, tugging on the top of the bodycon dress Claire had managed to squeeze her into for the night. One that was just one size too small but for some Godforsaken reason had seemed to fit her everywhere but her chest, which Claire called a blessing but she called a girl's gone wild moment waiting to happen.

“You have every right to be here,” she replied, keeping her steady pace as her heels clicked against the pavement while simultaneously digging through her small clutch for her lip gloss.

“In what dimension do I have the right to be crashing a girls night out–” Riley quickened her pace, the heels Claire also pressured her to shove her feet into for the night, almost matching her own as they clicked on the sidewalk. “Where all of the girls in question, except for me, have the same exact thing in common?”

“Which is?”

“You know exactly what it is,” she huffed, finally coming up beside her just as the two of them were met with the bouncer of the club, the bearded man who looked like he walked off of the front cover of a bodybuilding magazine, instantly waving them both through. “You’re literally all dating professional athletes…on the same team…teammates, Claire. That’s what you all have in common.”

Claire rolled her eyes, grabbing her hand as they both entered the crowded club floor and leading her in the direction of where most of her friends were. “I think you’re forgetting one thing, you also know someone here because you’re both in the same masters courses.”

“Fine, I have one thing in common with one person out of what? The twenty that are here?”

“And me, or have you all of a sudden forgotten that you’re a twin? Because if you’re still mad about me stealing your book fair money in elementary school, I think you need to see a therapist.”

Riley pulled her hand from hers, tugging up at the top of her dress again. “We’re not even twins. You’re eleven months older than me–”

“Basically making us twins,” Claire replied, pulling her forward as she came to a stop in front of a small set of stairs that led up to multiple booths. “Fourth one down, move it.”

“It’s a wonder how you ever won the friendliest in the entire class your senior year,” Riley said, sending a playful glare over her shoulder. “If only they knew the real you.”

“You’re my sister, you get both my nice side and my ‘if you take my favorite sweater out of my closet one more time without asking I’ll dump water on your head in the middle of the night to wake you up,’ side,” Claire smiled, keeping her hand on the small of Riley’s back and nuding her ahead. “Besides, you won best smile which is odd because you never smile, you old grouch.”

“Finally you two show up!” Meredith, Johnny Gaudreau’s wife, was the first one to spot them as Claire shoved Riley up to the booth where the familiar faces of the girls who were either married to or dating Flames players that Riley had gotten to know so far, were sitting in.

“Yeah, it took everything in me to convince Ri here to come out with us and to at least put a little effort into her appearance,” Claire said, greeting Meredith with a hug before moving along to greet the rest of the girls who were there.

“Ha ha, very funny, but some of us have school–”

“Oh not the school excuse,” Kelsey, the one girl out of all of them who Riley had one thing in common with, seeing they were both pursuing Masters Degrees at the University of Calgary in the Kinesiology program. “I know for a fact that we have nothing due over the weekend, not even until the end of next week. Take a break for once Riley, you’re mastering the classes, no pun intended.” She smiled, giving Riley a hug.

“See Ri?” Claire smiled over her shoulder before plopping down in a spot Meredith and Annica, who was dating Elias Lindholm, had made between them. “Now relax and have fun. You don’t even have to leave the comfort of this booth if you want.”

“Actually,” Riley replied, giving Claire a sarcastic smile. “I think I might just have some fun and wander down to the bar and get a drink.”

“I’ll come with you actually!” Kylie, who was dating Dillon Dube, chimed in, standing up from the seating.

“Me too!” Kelsey added, standing up. “Plus I wanted to tell you what Oscar’s reaction to that paper we had to turn in last week was. I swear his eyes popped out of his head when I asked him to proofread it.”

Riley laughed, walking back out of the booth as the two followed behind her. “Please, I barely understood what I wrote and I even have all the notes from class.”

The three of them maneuvered their way back down the small set of steps and then back into the crowd of the bar, Kelsey grabbing onto Riley’s hand and then presumably Kylie’s so the three wouldn’t lose one another in the crowd as Riley led them over towards the bar. Thanks to being invited along to some events by Claire, Riley knew most of the WAGs on the team, but the only one she was really on a super friendly basis with, was Kelsey. Kelsey who was born and raised in Calgary and had attended the University of Calgary for her undergraduate degree as well and had been dating Oscar for the last near two years.

The two of them, Kelsey and Riley, hadn’t made their Flames connection until Claire asked Riley if she would tag along with her to brunch with a few other girls, Claire also wanting Riley to ‘stop hiding in your room, you’re young, have fun!’ Kelsey was at brunch, recognized Riley from one of their lectures and the friendship just blossomed into study sessions, coffee trips and Kelsey also having Riley tag along to things.

“Unbelievable,” Kelsey laughed once the three of them managed to grab a space at the crowded bar. “All of the bars in the city and they go here? Knowing we were all coming out tonight?”

“What?” Kylie asked, looking at Riley for help but Riley just shrugged.

Kelsey sighed and rolled her eyes before nodding her head off to their left and then pointing. “All the way at the end of the bar.”

Riley and Kylie both looked over in the direction she was pointing, and instantly the two girls knew what and who she was talking about. There at the end of the bar and of course, all together in a big group, were a few players from the Flames. Riley could see Jacob and Dillon at the bar talking to the bartender and off behind him were Sean, Johnny, Oscar and they were sure more that weren’t in their view.

“If you guys tell me what you want, you’re more than welcome to go over there and chew their asses out a little bit,” Riley smiled, leaning against the bar.

“You don’t mind? Because like Kels said…there are so many bars here,” Kylie said, looking off at the boys.

“Not at all,” Riley replied, waving them off. “As long as you give Jacob a little hell from me for not telling my insane sister to leave me alone tonight.”

Kylie squeezed Riley’s arm as she brushed by and nodded. “We’ll be right back, don’t leave the bar without us so we don’t lose you.”

“And if any creeps sneak up, yell pterodactyl.” Kelsey noddeed, nodding her head. “It’ll scare them off.”

“Pterodactyl, got it,” Riley nodded, watching them walk away before turning back towards the bar and then shaking her head. “Pterodactyl? Where the hell did she get that from?”

The bartender walked over to her, nodding at her. “What can I get you?”

Riley opened her mouth to speak, only to realize that Kelsey and Kylie never told her what they wanted to drink…so she went with a classic. “Can I get three vodka cranberries?”

The bartender nodded and turned away to make the drinks, Riley flipped her phone over and grabbed her card from the card holder she insisted Claire let her borrow since she wasn’t carrying a purse and was stuffed into the dress.

“I hope all of those aren’t for you,” Riley heard someone say as the bartender placed two of the drinks down in front of her. “Cause that’s about three rounds I’ll miss out on buying you a drink.”

She looked to her left to see the familiar face of Matthew, one of Jacob’s teammates. A face that she’s seen obviously on ice for the games she’s attended since her sister started dating Jacob, but also at some of the team parties that Claire’s invited her to or made her tag along as her plus one. “That’s assuming I’d take your offer to let you buy me one, let alone three.”

“Ouch, tough crowd,” he replied, holding his right hand to his chest, right over his heart and rubbing against his gray t-shirt.

“Sorry,” Riley dramatically pouted as she shrugged. “Did I bruise your hockey player ego by turning down your horrible pick up line? Like seriously, does that even work?”

He moved away from the corner of the bar and came up beside her, resting his arms against it. “Who said it was a line? Maybe I was really looking forward to buying you a drink. Plus, maybe I was also sent over here to make sure no creeps are creepy towards you. You know the whole plus one, stay together thing.”

The bartender placed the last drink in front of her and Riley quickly handed over her card before looking at him with a shrug. “Looks like you failed your mission.” The bartender placed her card back down onto the bar in front of her, along with a receipt and a pen. Riley quickly scribbled her signature and a tip before sliding it across the bar and putting her card back into her phone and looking at Matthew. “Both missions actually, cause I just bought my own drink.”

Matthew rolled his eyes before looking at the bartender and nodding his head, holding up two fingers– Riley taking that as the opportunity to grab her drinks and head back towards the booth. “Hey!” She turned around to see Matthew leaning against the bar, nodding at her with a smile. “The night’s still young. That’s plenty of time for me to buy you that drink!”

“Not unless you find someone else to entertain your time and horrible pick up lines,” Riley smiled back, nodding her head for him to look behind him as a girl was just getting ready to tap him on the shoulder– her intentions for him very clear. “Just don’t use that buy you a drink one.” Riley winked and turned back towards where she was walking, carefully making her way back over to the booth where Claire and the rest of the girls were.

“Riles!” Claire cheered, holding up her empty shot glass before putting it back onto the table. “Where are Kels and Kylie?”

“You guys have some bar crashers!” Riley replied, placing the drinks that belonged to Kylie and Kelsey down onto the table, then covering them with one of the napkins that came wrapped around the cup. “Some of the guys are here and they went to go talk to them.”

“Ugh! All of the bars for a girls night out and they choose this one?” Meredith complained, rolling her eyes and finishing off her drink, then standing up. “I need another drink.”

Once she made her way out of the booth with another girl following behind, Claire took that opportunity to slide over next to Riley. “Get the sourpuss look off your face, have fun and relax, Ri!”

“I am, I’m having a ball! Lame pick up line, alcoholic drink and all!” Riley replied, leaning towards Claire so she could hear her.

“Pick up line? Who tried to pick you up?!” Claire smiled, practically beaming at the idea of Riley getting some sort of attention in the romance department. “Come up, point them out!”

“It was just one of Jacob’s teammates, it was nothing serious–”

Claire grabbed onto her arm, gripping it as her smile grew bigger. “Who! Who! You need to tell me who it was right now!”

Riley rolled her eyes, still able to see where Matthew was standing at the bar…the girl who Riley had told him about, standing next to him a little close and the two talking. She pointed out towards the bar and looked at Claire. “Him.”

She watched as Claire’s focus moved all across the bar before landing on where Riley had been pointing. Riley waited for a falter in her sister’s expression, but all stayed the same aside from Claire laughing and shaking her head. “Oh, Matthew? He’s harmless! A flirt, but a harmless one.”

“Clearly since he’s already moved on from wanting to buy me a drink and insisting on that he will,” Riley replied, turning her attention away from Matthew and the girl at the bar. “But how about we try not to shove any potential attractive male down my throat?”

“But that’s no–”

“You want me to let loose and have a good time?” Riley asked, sipping on the straw in her drink as Claire nodded. “Okay, then stop trying to pawn me off to any guy who shows a remote sense of interest.”

Claire rolled her eyes and sipped on a lighter drink that Riley knew was probably a margarita. “Did you at least think he was cute? Matthew?”

Riley sighed. “I’m not into that right now Claire, you know this. I’m not looking for–”

“A relationship, or love, or someone who will drag you out of the house on a Friday night so you can’t sit on your couch and watch One Tree Hill at night,” Claire replied, waving a hand at Riley and brushing her off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But appease me just this once…do you think he’s cute?”

Riley looked back over to the bar where she watched Matthew take two beers from the bartender before saying something to the girl and then turning around, leaving her at the bar and walking back towards the group of his teammates. “I mean…yeah, he’s cute–”

“Thank you,” Claire smiled, hugging her sister and then pulling away, clinking her cup against hers. “Now was that too hard?”

“I think I just felt a piece of my soul wither and fall off actually,” Riley smiled, taking another sip of her drink as she looked at her sister.

“Oh stop being an old hag,” Claire laughed, shoving her playfully. “You’re way too young and pretty to be so old and bitter.”

Riley laughed, shaking her head. “You do realize that made no sense, right?”

“What can I say?” Claire smiled, shrugging her shoulders as she took another sip of her drink. “The tequila’s strong.”

DAY 22 – JANUARY 22ND, 2022 [ FIRST "DATE ]

“For the love of everything that is good and holy, why the hell did you and Jacob think tonight would be a great idea for a double date?” Riley sighed, tugging the ends of her thin sweater sleeves over her hands and bunching the material in her fists before crossing her arms. “Hockey games end at an average of what? Ten o’clock? Assuming they don’t go into an overtime and a shootout.”

“Oh hush,” Claire replied, waving her off. “It was an additional half hour, it won’t kill you if you’re not in bed before midnight for one night. Besides, you’re 24 and in the prime of your youth. I think staying out for a night would do you some good.”

“Some of us have homework and class–”

“In two days, Riley. It’s a Saturday night, you have no responsibilities until Monday morning, so stop complaining.” Claire turned away from Riley, looking down towards the locker room door where Jacob and the rest of the players were set to come out of.

Technically, Claire was right. Riley didn’t have any responsibilities until Monday morning and that’s more in part to the fact that she didn’t even have any homework due, that was just something she blurted out the moment Claire asked her earlier in the day if she would come to the game tonight with her. It didn’t take much budging for Riley to say no, after all, she loved Jacob and having grown up in St. Louis, her family often went to Blues games– so she enjoyed the game as well. However, once they got to the arena and Claire spilled about how they would also be going on a double date as well, with Riley being the other participant in the other couple, the slight good mood she had came crumbling down.

Claire refused to tell her who she was being forced to go on a date with, other than it was someone that she knew of and they knew Riley would be the girl he was on a date with. Halfway through the game, only when Riley threatened to call herself an uber home did Claire tell her that the date was actually one of Jacob’s teammates– a teammate who had expressed interest to Jacob about Riley that night they were all out at the same bar, despite it being girls night. Jacob told Claire and apparently the two of them had talked for a few days, Claire even talking to the teammate before finally agreeing that she was willing to set Riley up on a double AND blind date.

Though she was of course more than willing to from the jump, just like she’s been trying to hook her up with any male she thought she was a great fit for ever since high school. And it was all the same– she’d buy into her plan, go on the date, either liking the guy or he would ruin any potential feelings within seconds by saying something super misogynistic or just overall not being her type and then she’d end the night saying bye and going home by herself.

It was actually quite a process and one that Riley's come to love, because sure, while having an occasional guy in her bed for an hour or two was nice, she was never one to want to actually share her bed. Claire says she has commitment issues, but Riley liked to think of it as not bothering to settle down for any amount of time if she knew the guy was just going to waste it.

Which of course, everytime their parents came to visit or they traveled home on Holidays, meant her love life was often the topic of discussion. But that’s what happens when Claire’s basically on her way to an engagement and Brendan, their younger brother, had finally managed to convince his long time best friend Evelyn to date him.

Riley was the black sheep her parents worried about, wondering whether or not they’d ever see her bring a boyfriend home for Christmas, walk down an aisle and eventually grace them with grandchildren.

“Look, there’s Jacob now,” Claire said, standing up straight from leaning against the wall and waving her hand up slightly in the air to catch his attention.

Riley looked up from the dull arena hall floor to see Claire’s boyfriend of a little over a year, Jacob Markstrom, walking over, half expecting to see whichever teammate the two of them decided to hook her up with for the night. Jacob was nice and their parents loved him from the moment they’d accidentally met him leaving Riley and Claire’s shared apartment when they had only been dating for four months. Riley told Claire she was going to the airport to pick up their parents and yet the moment they all walked up to the door, out came strolling the 6’6” goalie in all his Swedish and slightly hungover glory.

And much to Claire’s embarrassment and Riley’s amusement, their parents invited him out to lunch later that day and they fell in love with him. There isn’t a single text or phone call between their parents where they don’t ask how Jacob’s doing and seeing if he wanted to come over for the holiday or any other small, family event.

“Good game babe,” Claire smiled, immediately walking into the blonde’s arms and giving him a hug. “Proud of you for blocking those shots there in the shootout.”

“If only I could’ve blocked more in regulation, then we wouldn’t have needed an overtime or shootout.” Jacob replied, leaning down and kissing her, keeping his arm on the small of her. “But thank you älskling, I appreciate it.”

“Hey future brother-in-law, is there any way you could tell me who this mystery date of mine is?” Riley sighed, letting her arms drop as she stood up straight. “Claire Bear over here wouldn’t even give me a single hint aside from he’s one of your teammates.”

Jacob laughed, nodding his head and looking down at Claire. “I don’t know, I think I’ve been sworn to secrecy too. But he should’ve been right behind me,”

“I didn’t see him,” Claire shook her head, looking back behind them as more of the players started to file out in groups before looking back at Jacob. “He didn’t change his mind, did he?”

Jacob shook his head. “Not that I’m aware of, he was talking about it before the game and asking how the driving situation would work. I didn’t tell him–”

“You know what? No big deal,” Riley smiled, feeling relieved as she waved them off and dug into her purse to grab her phone. “You guys go ahead and go on the date and I’ll order myself an uber and go back to my–”

“Hey sorry I’m late, I was just giving Meredith the number of some party planner my mom knows out in Boston. I guess she wants to surprise Johnny with a party out there this summer for his birthday.”

Riley looked up from her purse to see the all too familiar face of Matthew Tkachuk, only this time he wasn’t wearing a t-shirt and some jeans like he’d been wearing at the bar. This time he was wearing a suit– a nice navy blue one at that– and had a black coat draped over his arm. Riley would be lying if she said he wasn’t cute in normal clothes, but she would be lying even more if she said seeing him dressed up in a suit made him even more attractive. She won’t even think about seeing him in full uniform, mostly because honestly, she spent the entire night barely paying attention to the game and trying to figure out who her mystery date was.

It turns out it was–

“Him?” She asked, looking at Claire. “He’s my date?”

“Uh,” Matthew chimed in, holding up a hand. “I’m kind of right here.”

Claire turned away from her and towards Matthew. “Sorry for my sister, Matt. Ri can be rude sometimes.”

Riley didn’t miss the sharp change in her tone when Claire had called her rude, and maybe she was. But it was her initial reaction and Claire knew about the bump in at the bar because Riley had told her. She’d even laughed about it– “oh Matthew? He’s harmless. A flirt, but a harmless one.”

And yet here Claire was, setting her sister up on a date with the “harmless flirt” she’d talked about only a little over a week ago.

“Sorry,” Riley replied, looking down at her purse again and bringing her phone out of it, checking the time. “Claire, can we get going? It’s getting kind of late.”

“Of course, let’s get going,” Jacob nodded, looking back at her sister before the two started to walk off, leaving just her and Matthew standing there.

“After you,” Matthew said, motioning for her to walk. Riley crossed her arms again close to her chest as she turned around to follow behind Jacob and Claire, Matthew walking beside her. “I’m sorry if you were expecting someone else.”

“What?”

Matthew nodded ahead of them towards Jacob and Claire. “You seemed like you were expecting someone else.”

Riley felt her cheeks begin to heat up as she adjusted her arms. “No, not at all. I mean, I–”

“You literally said ‘him’ and didn’t look pleased,” Matthew replied, his free hand in his pants pocket as he shrugged. “I’m not offended, I’m just apologizing if they told you something different. Jacob told me you knew.”

“I knew about the double date, and Claire only told me about it once we got to the arena and she knew I wouldn’t pay for an uber back to my apartment with the traffic.” Riley replied, looking ahead of them just as Jacob and Claire seemed to be hiding the fact they took a quick glance behind them. “So I’m sorry if I made you feel bad.”

Matthew laughed and the first thing Riley noticed was his smile. He hadn’t smiled at the bar, not a full one– just a smirky smile, which at the time she thought that maybe was his trick into getting girls to think he’d had feelings for them or was interested in them.

He has a really nice smile.

“Trust me, nothing you could say would make me feel bad,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Between the chirps between my brother and sister– hell, my parents too and then the stuff online, I’ve got some pretty thick skin.”

“Oh yeah, professional hockey player, I forgot,” Riley laughed softly, hugging her arms closer to her again as they caught up to Jacob and Claire and stepped into the garage within the Saddledome where players and employees of the team alike, parked.

“Okay so here’s the thing,” Claire said, clasping her hands together and looking up at Jacob before looking back at her and Matthew. “We forgot we promised to facetime into a call to Jacob’s family. His sister’s got some news to share and wanted everyone to be on a call.”

Riley’s jaw dropped as she stared at her sister, who conveniently was avoiding her gaze. “Claire–”

“But it’s still pretty early so you guys feel free to grab some coffee or a drink, hang out and get to know each other. Just because it’s not a double date, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a date,” Claire smiled, finally looking over in her direction only to be greeted with an ‘I know you had this planned all along’ look from her sister. “Matthew, I trust you to get my sister back to her apartment safely? Or you can just take her back to your place–”

“Claire!” Riley spoke through gritted teeth, blinking obviously at her sister who was already dragging Jacob away from them both.

“Text me in the morning! Have a good night!” Claire smiled, waving at the both of them as Jacob followed behind, he too lifted a large arm to wave his hand in the air.

Riley watched helplessly as they got into his car, turning around to face Matthew once she heard the sound of an engine start. “I am…so, so sorry for that.” She scoffed softly, shaking her head in disbelief. “Claire’s pretty straightforward, but I promise I had no idea she was going to do that. You really don’t have to feel obligated to take me home or anything.”

“It’s fine,” Matthew replied, shaking his head as he pulled his hand out of his pocket and holding onto his keys. “I can take you home if you want to go.”

She felt guilty, partly because she was so embarrassed to have been blatantly left there by her sister and the other half because she knew this isn’t what Matthew had signed up for at all. He was expecting a double date, a double date where the girl knew who she was going out with. He didn’t sign up for a surprise double date or to have said double date crash and then be left with possibly no date and to take his stranded date home.

“If it’s not too much?” Riley finally spoke, feeling uncomfortable with her own guilt. “I promise I don’t live too far away. I’m actually only about five minutes away from where Jacob and Claire live if you know it?”

“I know it,” he nodded, motioning again for her to start walking as he walked beside her. “Claire’s quite the host when it comes to team stuff. The Thanksgiving they held at their place this year was pretty fun. Though, you weren’t there I don’t think.”

“That’s right, I forgot she did that,” Riley nodded in reply. “I went home since I didn’t have any classes, but I remember her saying she and a few others were going to do something. But yeah, Claire’s quite the hostess. Life of the party even.”

“She’s something,” Matthew nodded, quickening his pace just a little before coming to a stop by a black Audi SUV and opening the passenger door. “I started the car once we entered the garage, so it should be warmer here.”

“Oh,” Riley was caught off guard. Despite the action itself being bottom of the barrel of what men were expected to do, Riley truly couldn’t remember the last time any date she had, had opened any door for her…not just a car door. “Thank you.”

Matthew just nodded in reply and waited for her to get into the car before he checked to make sure her feet or her purse weren’t hanging out so he could close the door. And though he could’ve taken his time to walk around, she watched him walk around the back of his car with a sort of urgency, not leaving her alone inside for long before he was opening the driver door and ducking into the car.

He fiddled with the radio for a bit before picking up an aux cord and offering it up to her. “You’re more than welcome to have the aux. I’m not all too picky with music.”

“Are you sure?” Riley asked, looking at him to see if she could spot any sign of him changing his mind.

“Absolutely, you can have it,” he said, handing the cord over.

Riley took it from his hand and plugged it into her phone, unlocking it and opening her music library. “Any requests?”

“Just whatever you want to play,” he said, looking away from her as he put his seatbelt on and then put his car into reverse.

She felt nervous sitting there in his car and she didn’t know if it was because she was sitting in the car of someone who was basically a stranger to her, or because of the kind of date setting. It took everything in her not to physically move in her seat to try to get the nerves out, so instead she just endlessly scrolled through her music library, not even picking a song.

“My family and I play this game when it comes to what songs to play, that way there’s not one person who’s picking all the songs,” she said, breaking the silence as she looked at him.

“What’s that?” He asked, sneaking a look at her before maintaining his focus on backing out of his parking spot to eventually straighten up and leave the garage.

“We each took turns picking a letter and a number. Whatever letter someone picks, you’ll scroll down to the number they picked and then that’s the song.”

“Okay, I got it,” Matthew nodded, looking at her as he pulled out of the garage. “B 163.”

Riley stared at him, blinking once or twice. “In what universe would you ever think I have 163 songs that start with the letter B?”

“I don’t know, I just went with a random mix,” he shrugged, looking at her. “So do you?”

“Maybe.” She knew she did. So she just bit back the smile that was trying to reveal her cards and looked back down at her phone, scrolling to the B’s and then starting to count.

Matthew pulled out into the street as she reached 90 and saw she was passing some pretty great songs, and made mental notes of what numbers they were…which was technically cheating, but her brother did it all the time.

158…right? Wait yeah 158…159….160….161….162….Oh no.

This could either go one of two ways– he could hear the song and enjoy it, or he could look at her like she was just a 12-year-old who never grew up and speed the entire way to drop her off at her own apartment, just so he could get her out of the car.

Wait? Isn’t that what she wanted?

Not wasting another moment, she took a deep breath and pressed the song, closing her eyes to prepare for whatever critique Matthew was going to hurl her way.

She looked at him from the corner of her eye as the piano started to play from the speakers, only giving him a second of instrumental before the vocals picked up and giving away just what song was playing.

“We’re soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach. If we’re tryin’, so we’re breaking free…”

“Is this High School Musical?” He smiled, looking at her as they pulled up to a stoplight.

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling sheepishly as she rubbed her arm. “My music library’s kind of all over the place and sometimes I like listening to the old Disney classics.”

He laughed, nodding his head as he reached out and turned the volume dial up just a little. “I remember watching this when it came out. I was always a hockey player, but that’s when I discovered that maybe I wasn’t exactly a basketball player.”

“Oh God, why can I see you dressed up as Troy Bolton for Halloween?” Riley laughed, looking at him.

Matthew’s face scrunched up as she shook his head. “Oh hell no, never. I was always a hockey player for Halloween, never the same one unless it was my Dad. But my brother and I switched each year on who got to be him.” He looked over at her with that same smirk from the bar. “But I do know the words to the song.”

“Go on then,” Riley smiled, motioning towards the radio. “Sing it.”

Matthew cleared his throat as he turned the music down just barely, as if the difference in volume would make a difference in whether or not she’d be able to hear him sing. “We’re soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach. If we’re tryin’, yeah we’re breaking free–”

“Okay, no, no,” Riley laughed, reaching out and turning the volume way down as Matthew laughed. “I’m sorry, but I can not have you butchering the musical stylings of Troy and Gabriella like that.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad of a singer!”

“Yeah, it’s cute that you try.”

The car rolled to a stop as the song continued to play quietly, Matthew tapping his fingers on the top of his steering wheel and chewing the inside of his cheek as he stared ahead at the red light, waiting for it to turn green. “I normally stay up a little bit after games because it takes me some time to wind down, and the coffee shop I usually go to is on the way to your apartment…” He looked at her, and even Riley wasn’t oblivious to the nerves written all over his face. “Would you want to stop and grab something to drink maybe?”

“I could go for a hot chocolate or something,” Riley nodded, looking at him.

“Okay, cool,” Matthew smiled, looking back towards the light as it turned green and kept driving.

It turns out that the coffee shop Matthew had mentioned, was only a few blocks up ahead from where they had been. They were closing soon and Matthew asked if she would be okay with staying in the car while he went to grab their drinks, just so she didn’t have to walk out into the cold January air. He stayed nearby, making sure she locked it once he had left and then Riley watched through the passenger window as he walked into the coffee shop with the same urgency as he had when he walked around his car.

She knew of Matthew only because of living in the city of Calgary who took their hockey very seriously. Plus, her sister was dating their goalie and Riley had tagged along to some events and nights out with the girlfriends and wives of players. Most importantly, his dad was treasured back home in her hometown of St. Louis, having played there during the years where she and her family had gone to games. But never in her entire life had she crossed paths with Matthew or his family– not until she moved to Calgary, not until Claire started dating Jacob, and most definitely not until last week at the bar or this moment right now sitting in his car, waiting for him to come back with their hot drinks.

Riley saw Matthew place money in a tip jar before turning back around with two drinks in hand. Once she saw he was at her door, she rolled the window down to take the drinks from him and placed them into the cupholder before unlocking the car so he could get back into the car.

“So I know I said I’d take you home, but can I show you something first?” He asked, picking up one of the drinks and handing it to her. “They’re both hot chocolate by the way, so you don’t have to take this one.”

“No it’s fine,” she replied, taking the cup. “And I mean…sure? I guess I’m not really all that tired right now.”

“Cool. I promise it’s not too far, it’s actually just around the corner,” he smiled, putting the car into park and peeling into the street before continuing to drive.

She sat in the passenger seat, sipping on her hot chocolate as Matthew continued the drive, eventually pulling into the parking garage of an apartment complex that Riley had considered moving into herself shortly before moving out of her and Claire’s shared apartment. They drove up to the second level before finally finding a spot, Matthew pulling into it and putting the car into park.

“It’s just a little bit of a walk, but not much, I promise,” Matt said, looking at her before opening his car door and getting out.

Riley followed suit, making sure she had her phone, purse and hot chocolate before closing the passenger door and walking towards the end of the car. “I actually considered moving here a year ago.”

“Really?” Matthew asked, standing by the trunk and waiting for her to be beside him before they started walking. “Too bad you didn’t. Maybe we could’ve been neighbors.”

Riley snorted, shaking her head as she took a long sip of her hot chocolate. “That’s doubtful. I don’t have NHL money.”

Matthew stopped just ahead of her and stood in her way, holding out his hand and motioning for her. “Here, put this on,” he held his coat out as he nodded at her drink in her hand. “I’ll hold your drink.”

“Oh, it’s really no–”

“I’ve at least got a long sleeve shirt and a jacket on to keep me warm, you’ve got…whatever kind of sweater that is.” He moved the winter coat again, “just take it, you’ll need it I promise.”

Instead of arguing with him, Riley just sighed and nodded and handed over her hot chocolate before taking the black winter coat he’d had draped over his arm at the arena, unfolding it and putting it on, buttoning only the middle button so it wouldn’t stay open. “There, I’m a little warmer now.”

“Good, because Claire would kill me if I let you freeze to death I’m sure.” He replied, handing her back her drink before nodding his head back. “Come on, I’ll take you to what I wanted to show you.”

“As long as I’m in my own bed by midnight and you’re not going to turn me into the next inspiration for a Criminal Minds episode when they come back with their reboot, then okay.”

She walked alongside him as he scanned a key fob to get into the building, once again Matthew holding the door open for her and allowing her to walk in first before following just behind her and nodding his head to his left. “The elevator right here.”

“So what’s this thing you want to show me?” She asked, waiting for him to close the door behind him.

“It’s a surprise,” he replied, making sure the door closed behind him before walking over and nodding at the elevator button. “You should feel special because I don’t show this spot to just anyone.” He looked at her with that same playful smirk.

Riley pressed the button, signaling for the elevator to come to the floor they were on and when the double doors opened, they both walked into the elevator, Matthew pressing the close doors button as well as the button at the top of them all that had only say T. As the elevator started to move, Riley leisurely sipped on her hot chocolate, Matthew doing the same as they waited for the elevator to come to a stop.

“I’m not sleeping with you,” she chimed, the words she meant to say earlier when he brought up going somewhere else instead of taking her right home, finally coming out. “I meant what I said about being back in my own bed by midnight.”

“Relax,” he laughed, rolling his eyes. “My mom raised me right, you know.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me you’ve never had a one night stand? Mr. makes a million dollars a year, basically the face of a franchise and NHL player?” Her voice dripped with sarcasm as she brought the cup back up to her lips.

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Matthew stepped towards the doors, holding his arm out in front of them and waving for her to walk through. “Actually I’m earning nine million this year,” he replied, tilting his head to the side as he took a sip of his hot chocolate and sighing. “And I’m hardly the face of a franchise, that’s Johnny. And no, I didn’t say that, just come on will you?”

She followed his directions, stepping off of the elevator and back out into the cold January air. “Where are we?” She asked, holding her hot chocolate closer to her chest as she heard the elevator doors close behind her.

“I found it when I moved in,” he said, nodding at her to follow him as he started to walk away from the elevator and down the wheelchair ramp. “The owner of the complex doesn’t advertise it when people check into living here, mainly because it has no standing on the rent.”

There were small posts that hung garden lights from around them, dimly lighting the space they were on. As Riley looked around, she noticed a different variety of lounge chairs– the kinds you could find in gardens, on front porches or even poolside. She could see off to their left, was what looked to be a small garden, though again the light that the garden lights hung around the seating area didn’t really show all that much. She could, however, see the fire pit that sat in the center of all of the chairs, letting her know that this must be some kind of hang out spot for the complex. Maybe if she had looked deeper into this complex when she was searching for a new apartment, she might’ve known about it.

“Over there’s a small community garden, I think there’s a few vegetables and spices, but really it’s only flowers. I asked the owner about it when I came up here one day after drunk pressing the wrong floor and he said he puts a place like this on all of his properties, in memory of his wife who died of breast cancer because she loved to garden.” Matthew walked away from the garden and just passed some of the chairs before coming to a stop on the other side of the rooftop, where there were no dim garden lights. “The whole terrace is supposed to be a kind of place where people can come out and relax, clear their minds, you know? But I’ve never seen anyone come up here.”

“Maybe because it’s cold,” Riley said, walking up next to him and leaning her arms against the ledge of the terrace.

Matthew rolled his eyes and rested his hot chocolate on the ledge. “You don’t say?”

“Just pointing out the obvious is all,” she smiled, taking another sip of her hot chocolate as she looked towards the other side of the terrace. “The idea of it is nice though, I like it. Plus the view,” she blew out a low whistle as she looked back out towards downtown Calgary. “It’s beautiful. I can only imagine what it looks like during the day.”

“I like it better at night,” Matthew replied, tapping his fingers against his cup as he shrugged. “It helps clear my mind a bit after games.”

“Only if you’re not going out with the boys, right?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Right,” he laughed, nodding his head as he took a sip of his hot chocolate and shrugged. “It kind of reminds me of looking out of the airplane window when you’re flying at night, you know? Seeing all the lights from the buildings in the city you’re flying over and how there’s a whole city of people who are living their lives individually. It makes you realize just how big the world is.”

Riley let a few moments of silence pass as she let her cooling down hot chocolate cup try to warm up her hands before she nodded and looked at him. “Wow…that was deep for a hockey player.”

He laughed and shook his head as he kept his eyes out towards the cityscape, opening his mouth to say something, only to pause and stand up straight from his leaning stature, pointing ahead of him. “Wait, look!”

Riley raised an eyebrow as she looked out over the city lights and out towards the far away, dark horizon. “What?”

“This is going to sound ridiculous, but I swear I saw a shooting star,” Matthew kept his gaze out ahead of him for a few more seconds before he let his hand drop and he looked at her. “Like…no bullshit it moved.”

“Orrrrr,” she dragged out, looking at him. “Maybe it was an airplane.”

“Moving that fast? Really?”

“You never know with guys like Elon Musk trying to build crazy shit and defy the inevitable every second of every day,” she replied, bringing her cup back up to her lips as she turned back towards the city.

Matthew let the silence settle between them, though she could still feel his gaze on her and his body being turned towards her as well. “You’re a lot different than your sister…”

“Says you and every other person who’s walked into our lives.” Riley shrugged, holding her cup with both hands. “Claire’s a lot more…hopeful, she likes to see the petter picture of options and I’m more–”

“Of a cynical bitch?” Riley almost choked on her sip of air, rather than hot chocolate seeing as she hadn’t tipped her cup far enough yet, and when she looked at Matthew, he was looking at her with wide eyes. “Sorry…are we not at that level of friendship yet?”

This time she laughed as she placed her cup down onto the ledge and nodded. “Actually, I was going to say the same thing.”

“So…why is that?” He asked, reaching out and gripping his fingers onto the concrete ledge as he leaned himself backwards, almost as if he was stretching his arms. “You guys are what? Only a little over a year apart?”

“You said you have a brother right?” She asked, as he nodded in reply. “Are you and your brother the same person?”

“Well…kind of?” He replied, shrugging. “But he can get a little more crazy than me. Plus he’s got that whole middle child thing going on, so he always needs to be the center of attention.”

“Hey, I’m a middle child,” Riley faked offense, reaching out and nudging his arm.

“You said it, not me.” Matthew smiled, tilting his head to the side. “But really…siblings having their individual personalities aside…you guys aren’t that far apart in age, so I guess I just figured you’d be a little bit alike, you know”

“I don’t know,” Riley took a deep breath and sighed as she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him. “Claire will say it’s because of my Junior year prom date standing me up and going to prom with his ex-girlfriend– why are you doing that?”

“Doing what?” He asked, trying to fight back the knowing smirk that was already present on his face.

“Smirking,” she said, turning her body towards him and waving at his face. “You’re smirking and nodding like you just figured something out.”

“More like figured you out,” he replied, pulling himself closer to the ledge before letting go of the concrete and bringing his arms into his chest as he rested them on the ledge and leaned against them. “And I don’t think you’re as cynical as you think or want people to think you are. I just think you’re scared.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know me.”

“No,” he replied, looking over at her. “But I’d like to…get to know you.”

Riley squinted as she held her arms closer to her and leaned against the ledge, almost copying him. “Why?”

“Well for one, I think it’s cool we’re from the same city–”

“Technically state, because you’re from boujee Chesterfield.”

“And second…I think you’re funny and I definitely liked how you were at the club.”

“Ohhhh,” Riley smiled, nodding at him. “So you liked how I didn’t fall for your little pick up routine, right? Let me guess…you like the challenge?”

Matthew didn’t smile or put that smirk on like she thought he would, like most men would the moment the challenge of picking up a woman was brought up. Instead he just stuck out his bottom lip partially and shrugged. “I don’t see you as a challenge because you’re a person…but you’ve piqued my interest and I’d like to get to know you better. Plus your sister’s dating my teammate so.”

Riley turned back towards him and leaned her left arm on the railing. “Well I hate to break it to you Matthew, but I really don’t see this happening. Relationships and I don’t really do well–”

“Oh? So you admit it?” He asked, raising both eyebrows as he turned towards her. “You want a relationship?”

“I– no, that’s not–” Riley huffed in frustration as soon as she saw him smile and then rolled her eyes in an effort to keep her own smile at bay. “Fine.”

“Fine what?”

“I’ll let you consider this our first date,” she replied, nodding at him before curling her upper lip slightly. “Though it’s not looking too good that you spent the first near two hours of our date smashing other guys into boards, plus the extra thirty minutes of waiting after…and not to mention you didn’t even give me a puck.”

Matthew laughed, a deep, belly laugh as he head leaned back just slightly before nodding and looking at her. “Okay, so I’ll have to make the second date better then. Don’t worry, I got it.”

“Wow. Already giving up on this one that you think it’s going to end badly? What? Afraid I’ll tell my sister how bad of a kisser you are when you try to kiss me tonight?”

That stupid smirk returned as he stood himself up straight and turned to her. Riley wanted to do nothing more than to kiss it off of his stupid lips and by the way he looked at her, he knew it too. “That’s the thing, I’m not kissing you tonight. Come on, let me take you home.”

“And why not?” Riley’s eyebrows furrowed as she grabbed her hot chocolate and followed behind him back towards the chairs. “Am I not kissable?”

He laughed again, finishing off his hot chocolate before tossing it into the trashcan, holding the slot open for her as she finished what remained of hers and tossed it in as well. “Oh no, you’re definitely kissable and I’m fighting every urge right now not to kiss you.” He led them up to the elevator and he pressed the button. “But my mom always taught me not to kiss on the first date.”

Riley hugged her arms closer to her, starting to feel the Calgary chill as the wind started to pick up. If she wasn’t so cold, she was sure that the shock of his statement would be frozen all over her face. Here he was, a 24-year-old bachelor living in a city that praised the ice he skated on. He’d had one night stands, he told her that, and yet she wouldn’t…couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact Matthew Tkachuk…didn’t kiss on the first date?

“I-well..that’s…” she paused, unsure of how to play off her shock despite her already failing so miserably to do so. “Sweet.”

Matthew smiled, nodding his head. “And if you let me take you home so you don’t freeze to death, I guarantee you’ll learn more about me on our second date…and maybe get a kiss at the end of that too.”

Riley scoffed, shaking her head and standing up straight as the elevator doors opened. “I’m not cold.”

“Say that to the shivering sound of your teeth when you were doubting my shooting star,” he reached out and rested his hand on the small of her back, nudging her into the warmth of the elevator first, keeping it there as he walked into the elevator himself, removing it once they were both inside of the elevator and he pressed the button of the floor they needed to go to and her back pressed against the elevator wall.

It didn’t matter though. She felt the warmth of his hand against her skin through both his jacket and her flimsy sweater the rest of the elevator ride, the car ride back to her apartment and when she was lying in her own bed.

At 11:59.

DAY 43 – FEBRUARY 12TH, 2022 [ IT'S OFFICIAL ]

How the hell did I get here?

That’s a question Riley found herself asking herself anytime that she woke up in Matthew’s apartment. Whether that was on his couch or in his bed, she always wondered. And the question wasn’t asked in a “I got too drunk last night how the hell did I get here” way, it was more of a “how the hell did I end up waking up in the apartment of a man, most of the time not hungover or after a wild night out– but instead after receiving the text of ‘just landed, not tired, feel like coming over to watch a movie?’” Kind of way.

Only a handful of times in the last three weeks has she found herself waking up in his apartment with her head throbbing, her mouth dry from drinking and the taste of her drunken meal lingering in her morning breath. The rest of the time she’s woken up from falling asleep on the couch watching a movie or a show one of his teammates or his friends from home or his siblings suggested he watched, waking up in his bed curled up beneath his heavy comforter with her head sharing the space with his on his all-time favorite pillow.

But no matter how she ended up at his apartment or the circumstances behind how she fell asleep and where, the two things that were consistent every single time, were her wearing one of his shirts and that she always woke up with his arms wrapped around her. Unless, like this morning, he somehow woke up before her and she was greeted to an empty bed. But the smell of food and the sound of running water and pans clinking echoing from behind his closed bedroom door told her exactly where he was and what he was doing.

Riley got out of bed, turning towards the mattress and making her side of the bed up and looking up to see that he had already done it, even though he’s always made a joke at how the first thing she does when she wakes up in the morning is make the bed– even if he’s still in it. She walked over to his dresser, opening the third drawer which she knew had his gym shorts in it and pulled out a black pair before closing the drawer and then putting the shorts on, rolling the waistband once before opening his bedroom door and walking out into his apartment, immediately seeing him standing in his kitchen by the stove, his back facing her.

She walked over, feeling the cool of the wooden floor beneath her feet as she made her way through both the living room and dining room and into the kitchen, the tile even colder. She came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and standing up on her toes to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Whatcha doing?”

“Well good morning sleeping beauty,” Matt laughed, looking at her and lifting his right arm up to let her move under it so she was resting against his side. “I didn’t think you’d be getting up for another hour.”

“Mm, I smelled breakfast,” she smiled, looking up at him and leaning up to kiss him before turning back and snuggling into his side. “Which I assume you’re making for yourself?”

“Ha ha, no,” he replied, rolling his eyes as he carefully switched the spatula from his right hand to his left and flipped the omelet. “I was actually going to surprise you with breakfast in bed. But seeing as you’re awake now, do you think you can go ahead and crack the eggs and scramble them for me so I can make mine once yours is done?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I kind of like the idea of breakfast in bed, sounds super romantic actually. Almost–” she paused as the word froze in her throat. Domesticated. ‘Almost domesticated’ is what she was going to say, but she couldn’t…wouldn’t, really.

Sure, it’s already been almost three weeks since that failed blind double date, turned…sort of first date for her and Matthew and maybe by now, especially with as often as they talked and how much time they spent together between her classes and his schedule, including just how many times post game they tagged along to a late dinner with Claire and Jacob or another player and their significant other…they never had a talk about being official. A “what are we” conversation has definitely happened, Matthew first brought it up one month in, stating that he didn’t want to just be a hook-up, but also wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship yet and her stance was the same. The conversation ended with no solid answer, but they both decided to continue with…whatever this was anyway.

Because then, she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted. A relationship was…a possibility in the cards, but at that point in time it didn’t feel like she could truly open herself up to one, especially one with him. Yet here she was, almost two months later and the word ‘domesticated’ almost came out of her mouth to describe the very action Matthew was doing– making them breakfast.

And for the first time since high school, she wanted to be in a relationship. More importantly, she wanted to be in one with him…but she’d gone along with not wanting a relationship he brought up first, so maybe it would be best to just play along with whatever they were doing until Matthew changed his mind.

And hopefully he changed his mind.

“Riles?”

“Hm?” She asked, shaking her head slightly before looking up at him.

“The eggs?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” she nodded, unwrapping her arms from his waist and walking over to the fridge.

“Did I lose you there for a second?” He laughed, flipping the omelet again before picking up the pan and tilting it, letting the omelete slide onto the plate. “You kinda paused there.”

“Oh no, just…brain fart, you know?” She laughed, grabbing two more eggs from the fridge before closing it, walking behind him and to his left where the bowl he’d previously used was. “I was just going to say that it was almost enough to make me really like you is all.”

Matthew snorted, nodding his head as he sprayed the pan again with some pam. “So what does that mean? You only like me?”

Riley looked over her right shoulder with a playful smile and shrugged. “Eh.”

“Eh?” He mimicked, shaking his head. “Does this mean I can cancel our having no plans and go out and catch up with the rest of the guys out at the simulated golf course today?”

She immediately turned around, eyes wide as she shook her head. “Wait no, you said we could just stay in today and relax since we’re going to that big super bowl party tomorrow,” she started to pout as he walked over to her, taking the eggs from her hands. “We were supposed to start One Tree Hill today.”

Matthew cracked an egg and dropped it into the bowel before tossing the shell into the sink, shrugging as he pouted. “Eh.”

“Matthew–” Riley barely spoke before he looked at her with that stupid smirk that always made her stomach fill with butterflies. He was never going to cancel their day in, he was only messing with her. She nudged him away, taking the remaining egg back and cracking it into the bowl. “You suck.”

He leaned in and kissed her cheek while simultaneously taking the bowl from her and handing her the plate with her omelete on it. “Eat your breakfast, I’ve already got the bread in the toaster so all you’ll need to do it toast it and butter it.”

Riley walked over to the toaster, pushing down the slots and then left her plate in front of it before moving just a little way over and pulling herself up onto the counter. “So…”

She paused again as she stared at the back of him, adding the cheese and spinach into his omelete. Again, she was asking herself the same ‘how the hell did I get here?’ Question that she’s been asking herself for weeks now. How, in the actual hell, did she go from cynical, romance is gross, jokingly telling Claire and Jacob to at least warn her before they were going to kiss in her presence, never getting the big hype about rom-com movies…to this? To waking up in bed with Matthew in mornings after nights where sometimes all they did was lounge on the couch and watch a new Netflix suggestion? To knowing her way around his apartment like she did her own? She had products in his shower, his clothes were hers, she kept a pair of shoes over here, he had almond milk in the fridge for her and her favorite cereal mingled in with his own. To him making her breakfast and planning on greeting her in bed with it?

It almost felt surreal, her entire situation. How did it all happen so fast, practically In the blink of an eye– like all of the rom-com’s Claire loved to watch every weekend– and she never even noticed it?

“Sooo?” Matthew echoed, bringing her back into reality as he looked over his shoulder. “Care to finish that thought?”

“I was just going to ask if you were prepared to enjoy the amazing, legendary show of One Tree Hill? And also that you can’t watch it without me, because I need to see your reaction to the most pinnacle stuff.”

“Is it really that legendary if I’ve never heard of it?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked over at her.

Riley rolled her eyes as their pieces of toast popped up. “Considering your only interests in life when the show was on air was hockey and oh wait…hockey!” She nudged herself off of the counter and smiled at him. “I would be surprised if you have heard of it.”

“Hey, I like to think that interest in hockey paid off, hm?” He said, turning the stove off before placing his omelete onto his plate.

“All I know is that if you’re on the wrong Scott’s brother team, I don’t know if we can be friends,” she said, taking the lid off of the butter and starting to butter the pieces of toast.

“Ouch, first I’m demoted to like and now we might not be friends?” He playfully scoffed as she put the toast onto his plate and cut it. “I guess I better not mess this up huh?” He whispered into her ear before kissing her temple and then grabbing both of their plates just as she put her toast onto her own. “Now come on, we’ve got hill trees to watch.”

“Tree Hill!” She groaned, taking the butter and putting it into the fridge. “It’s called One Tree Hill!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, shooting her a smile over his shoulder. “Now come on, it’s time to start our day of relaxing.”

And they did. They had breakfast together, starting season one, episode one of One Tree Hill at 10:30 am…and almost twelve hours later and every bathroom break, pause to answer a question and door dash delivery in between…they were on season one, episode eighteen with five more episodes left of the first season.

For Riley, it was one of her personal favorite episodes– the Boy Toy charity auction episode– and despite Matthew thinking (and complaining) it was because of Nathan Scott walking out onto the stage and taking off his jacket to reveal ‘boy toy’ written across his very impressive abs– “I might not have a six pack but I’m better.” “He’s Nathan Scott…”– it was actually because of the growth Nathan shows and then the development of the lives of the other characters and the relationships.

Still…Nathan Scott shirtless also wasn’t that bad of a sight.

But right there on the couch was where they spent their entire day, lounging around in different positions unless it came to eating food, then they both sat up, but once they were done they went back down into whatever position they’d been lying in prior. And right now, the position they were lying in and had been lying in for the better half of the last two episodes since they finished dinner, had them both sharing the chaise of Matthew’s sectional sofa. Matthew was laying the full length of it, while Riley was too, except she had her head rested in his lap and her body curled up as she laid on her right side, her head resting on his right thigh where his hands had been alternating between playing with her hair or just simply running his fingers through it.

The fact that their entire day had been spent lounging around together and more specifically, that small action of him playing with her hair, wasn’t helping her brain to keep from focusing on the domestic dilemma they were in…or maybe it was just her, because Matthew looked like he had nothing going on except for everything in the moment. The dire need to know just what exactly their situation was, was bouncing around in her head so much, that she had completely missed the last five minutes of the episode, not realizing it until she felt him reach out with his right hand to grab the remote beside him.

‘What are we doing?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Um…watching the next episode of One Tree Hill?” He replied, looking confused as he paused the tv. “Unless you don’t want to?”

She felt her face heat up at the bluntness of her question without any context and Matthew must have been able to tell she was embarrassed about something, because he motioned for her to move closer to him as he sat himself up against the back of the couch. Riley felt like a puppy with its tail between its legs as she pushed herself up and carefully moved so not to lean too much against his lap, and ended up laying down between him and the arm of the couch.

“Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed?” He asked, nodding towards the tv. “Or did I completely misread your question?”

“I mean…I wasn’t really all that straightforward with what I meant,” she spoke nervously, her left hand resting on the material of his t-shirt and playing with the ripples in the fabric.

“I’m still not sure what we’re talking about here…” He replied, his eyebrows furrowing as he rolled the remote in his hand.

Riley took a deep breath and exhaled, pushing herself up onto her right hand as she leaned back against the arm rest. “I know…we talked about how this isn’t really an exclusive hook-up situation, but you also don’t know if you want a relationship right now and I don’t know. I have products in your bathroom, I keep an extra pair of shoes here, you’ve got some stuff at my place.”

She looked up from her twiddling hands and sighed, shrugging her shoulders. “I guess I just want to know what we are, because Claire’s got a big mouth and no doubt has told them something or referred to you as my boyfriend and I just really need to know what to tell my parents and well…everyone else when they ask…I guess?”

Matthew just stared at her and every passing second felt like it was dragging on and the longer he stayed silent, the more embarrassed she felt and wanted to play it off as if she was just sleep talking- though she knew that he wouldn’t believe it for a second.

“Okay,” he cleared his throat, readjusting his posture as he tried to turn his body more towards her. “I mean…I was going to wait till after Valentine’s Day to ask if you wanted to make it more official, because I know you hate Valentine’s Day–”

“I don’t hate Valentine’s Day,” Riley scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I just think it can be super cheesy sometimes, plus the whole,” she waved her hand aimlessly, “going all out on one day of the year and putting half-assed effort into a relationship the other 364 days is dumb.”

Matthew held back a smile as he looked at her. “Wanna date?”

Her face deadpanned as she looked at the now beaming Matthew, her heart racing within her chest. “Really? You ask like that?”

“Just kidding, but I’m also dead serious,” he replied, dropping the remote in his lap as he held onto one of her hands. “I’ve been really enjoying…whatever this has been the last two months, and I know I said I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a relationship…but I’m pretty sure now that I do. So do you want to change this,” he motioned between them with his free hand before resting his left arm back over the back of the couch. “Into us dating…officially?”

Now Riley was the one who sat there staring at him, only her mouth was slightly opened and the word, though she was dying to say it, sat there frozen on the tip of her tongue. “Riles? Now would uh…be a good time to answer?”

“Yeah?” She finally replied, before nodding her head as an unsure look crossed his face. “Yes, I mean yes.”

Matthew smiled and leaned in, pressing her against the arm of the couch as he kissed her before pulling back and looking at her. “I was going to do this the whole romantic way, you know? Flowers, chocolates, take you out to a nice dinner and I know you’re not a big fan of it, but will you also be my Valentine?”

Riley playfully scoffed as she rolled her eyes, leaning forward and pressing her nose against his. “If I must.” She kissed him again before pulling away and then patting his thigh. “Now back to One Tree Hill, we’ve got four more episodes and then we’ve finished season one.”

“Four?” He sighed, leaning his head back as she crawled back between his legs, laying back to where she was before. “We’re sleeping on the couch tonight aren’t we?”

She looked back at him with a smile and shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time. Besides, we have no plans until the afternoon, we’ll get some sleep.”

Matthew picked the remote back up and started the next episode before resting it back down onto the couch beside him. He reached forward, tugging on the blanket that she was using and making sure she was covered up enough before she felt him sink back down into the couch. Riley tried hard not to let the butterflies she was feeling in her stomach turn into her own self feeling antsy as she laid there thinking about the reactions of Claire and the rest of the WAGs tomorrow when they found out that Matthew and she had finally decided to date. And then she couldn’t stop her mind from spiraling about her parents, other friends, would things change between them or would the relaxing hangouts feel like more needed to be happening? All of this was so new to her. The last time she had a “boyfriend” was in seventh grade– and who really counted those? That wasn’t this– this was so different, this was–

And as if he knew she was starting to spiral inside of her own head, Matthew started to play with her hair again, alternating between running his fingers through her hair or rubbing her hair back and out of her forehead. Soon, the worried thoughts about what their current relationship would, should or could turn into and she felt her body relax into the couch and into Matthew as she watched the show on the tv in front of them. And when her body relaxed, her eyes did too and she found it hard to keep them open long enough to retain what was actually taking place.

She’d seen One Tree Hill all the way through multiple times, so she knew all about what happened in this episode. But it was the thought of experiencing it for the first time with Matthew that kept making her open her eyes despite the time in between getting longer and longer each time. But when she felt Matthew tug the blanket up just over her shoulders, brush the hair away from her face and lean down and kiss her temple, before sitting back up. She half expected him to pause the show and switch it to something else since she knew he wasn’t really all that tired.

Yet the last thing she remembered hearing was Nathan telling Haley he fell in love with her, meaning he had stuck with watching the episode even after he knew she’d stopped paying attention. And she could’ve sworn she heard the all too familiar opening of Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be” right before she really fell asleep, and the feeling of Matthew’s fingers still playing in her hair.

Calming the rapidness of the butterflies in her stomach’s wings…to nothing but a small flutter, leaving her feeling all warm inside.

DAY 69 – MARCH 10TH, 2022 [ ARGUMENTS AND LATE NIGHT APOLOGIES ]

In both aspects, it would be right to say that just like their relationship, things were picking up fast in their day to day lives. For Riley, the end of her final semester of college was only two some months away and she found her days filled with coffee, power naps, study sessions with her classmates or Kelsey, papers and of course, Calgary Flames home games. For Matthew, the end of the season was approaching fast and it was he and everyone of his teammate’s mission to make it into the postseason after missing out the year before. This year felt like maybe they could do it, find the redemption from the 2020 bubble playoffs where they imploded.

Yet despite the chaos going on in their lives, everything in regards to their relationship felt almost too good to be true. Riley found herself staying over at Matthew’s apartment more often than her own, and on the nights when she would leave campus late and was too tired to make the drive to his, he’d drive over to hers and stay with her. They’d cook dinner together or order take-out, talk about their days and listen as the other vented about whatever it was that was on their mind or bothering them, then they’d either watch tv and fall asleep on the couch or go find some sort of solace in a bedroom.

Tonight was going to be the same as the last two weeks as well. Riley would go to class while Matthew went to morning skate, he’d go through his daily routine while she stayed on campus for other classes and hiding away in the library to try her best to knock out her homework and get a little more of her paper down. Then she’d meet up with Claire and Kelsey at Claire’s apartment and then they’d go to Saddledome for the game. It felt like any other night, really– but Matthew was stressing, despite Riley telling him that he didn’t need to.

“We’re playing Tampa, Riles. Everyone expects them to win because they’re back to back cup champs. It’s a big game.” Was what he said anytime over the phone or in text that she told him he just needed to relax and play his game.

Kelsey had left the library an hour earlier than planned so she could go home and have a dinner with Oscar before he left for the arena. While Riley stayed back in the reserved study room, stressing over her paper when she got an email from her professor that was sent to their entire class talking about how they needed to make an office appointment with her to present a second rough draft of their oral presentation.

The most important presentation of her life that she absolutely needed to pass in order to pass her Capstone and achieve her degree.

She probably should have left then. Followed the advice that she’d been giving Matthew for the last few hours and gone to her apartment to relax. Instead, she stayed in the study room and tried to balance her focus between her paper and her presentation. Her focus was by no means balanced evenly between the two, considering she spent a nice fifteen minute break in between crying over the stress before diving back into her notes and trying to wrap up her paper…and then the yawns came, which was maybe another time she should’ve decided to go home and rest before the game.

But she did was she always did whenever she found herself getting tired while studying. She set a short alarm to wake her up in ten minutes, the perfect power nap, and then she’d finish whatever she could before she’d leave for her apartment to get dressed and then meet up with Kelsey and Claire.

Except…that’s not how it happened. Instead of waking up ten minutes later, she woke up almost two hours later to her phone vibrating against the table and her face. She fully woke up the moment the call ended, practically jumping out of her seat when she saw the time and all of the notifications that she had from Matt, Claire and Kelsey. And then she saw the time.

The game had started 30 minutes ago.

She quickly collected all of her stuff and left the study room, rushing through the library while simultaneously ordering her uber to the arena, hoping that she’d get there with time to spare. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wait long for an uber before she was on her way to the stadium, digging through her purse for the family lanyard and ticket Matt had given her when she came home for lunch. And after begging the arena staff to let her bring her backpack in and she was willing to drop it off with security just as long as they’d let her bring it in– she was allowed to do it, but it took quite the convincing with the security managers.

By the time she reached the seats where she saw Claire, Kelsey and a few of the other WAGs sitting, she was out of breath, felt extremely disheveled and probably looked like she was crazy.

“Where the hell have you been?” Claire asked, her tone holding

“I fell asleep in the study room, I’m sorry,” Riley replied, moving by Kelsey and sitting down between the two of them. “I just got here–”

“You missed the first two periods, but they’re getting ready to start the third so there’s still some game for you to watch.” Kelsey added, nodding towards the ice.

“How’s he doing?” Riley asked, looking at them both before looking up at the score. “And we’re winning three to one, so that’s great!”

“He’s had a few shots on goal, but other than that he got an assist on Johnny’s second goal,” Claire replied, as the arena lights started to dim. “So good, but I’m sure it’s not what he wants to be doing.”

Riley sat there and paid as best attention to the remainder of the game that she could, hoping that Matthew hadn’t noticed her lack of attendance earlier in the game and that if he did, by some slim chance then maybe he’d notice she was here now. Johnny scored another goal late in the third, getting himself a hat trick and giving the Flames an four to one lead, resulting in a Flames win the moment time ran out of the buzzer signaling the end of the game went off. She stayed with the group of women as they left their seats to make their way down to meet up with the boys. Kelsey stayed with her as she met up with one of the supervisors who had her backpack and grabbed it before finally making her way down beneath the stadium, making it just in time before any of the players made their way out of the locker room.

Jacob and Matthew both didn’t do any post-game media, so it wasn’t that long of a wait for them to come out of the locker room showered and dressed back in their suits. Despite the big win against the back-to-back Stanley Cup Champions, Matthew seemed a little more down than he usually was after a win and Riley couldn’t help but think maybe it was because he somehow knew she was late to the game, even after she promised that she would be there. She tried not to dwell too much on that thought, because she knew it was an accident but also because she didn’t want the situation to turn into something bigger just when things seemed to be going so well.

Oscar got stuck doing media, so Kelsey gave them the go ahead to leave without her since she would be waiting. The four of them walked together, making their way to the parking garage where eventually, they said their goodbyes to each other and got into their separate cars. The drive home was quiet, but Matthew, like every other time they rode in a car together, had his right hand rested on her thigh, which was the only thing keeping Riley from thinking that the car ride was quiet due to him being upset. It’d been a long day and they were both tired.

Once they reached Matthew’s apartment complex, the two of them made their way to his apartment, side by side but not hand in hand, still in silence. But over anything, at least the physical distance between them wasn’t great. Every once in a while, their shoulders would brush against each other– and it was weird that Riley was finding some sort of comfort in that since everything inside of her was telling her that clearly there was some tension that wasn’t due to the silence. Matthew stood in front of his apartment door, unlocking it and then walking in, Riley following in behind him and closing the door.

She was paying attention to what he was doing for the reason that if she was wrong, then she would take the jump and ask him if everything was okay. Because Matthew had a similar routine every time they came back to his apartment after a game. He’d hang his keys up on the wall, then walk past the kitchen and place his jacket onto the kitchen table before taking his shoes off and then walking into his room to change over. Only the moment that he tossed his keys onto the bar counter and continued to walk into his room, she knew obviously something was wrong.

Riley let some space settle between them before she followed behind him into his bedroom, staying by the door as he tossed his jacket into the hamper he often took to get dry cleaned and started undressing before walking into his closet.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, walking further into the room and standing in front of his closet where he had taken off his shoes and was taking off his suit pants.

“Everything’s fine,” he replied, draping his belt onto a hanger and stepping out of his pants, bending down to grab them.

“Are you sure?” Riley asked, crossing her arms and furrowing her eyebrows as he took off his shirt and socks, carrying the clothes and walking out of the closet before dropping them into the respective hampers– dry cleaning and normal laundry.

“Yep,” he said, walking back by her again and going back into his closet, tugging on one of the dresser drawers. “Why?”

“You just seem off…I guess,” she replied, leaning against the closet opening.

“Nope, I’m fine,” he replied, shutting the dresser drawer and changing out of his briefs, putting on a new pair before looking at the clothes in front of him. “Everything is perfectly fine.”

It was one thing for her own brain to try and nag her about being late to his game and make her feel bad, but it was a whole nother thing for it to be Matthew to do the same. Clearly he was upset about something and was being sarcastic now that she was asking for it. And instead of arguing about it, Riley just wanted to say her piece and move on.

“If you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong then that’s fine, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic with your answers.” She replied, turning away from his closet and walking out of his room and over to the kitchen table, placing her backpack down onto it and starting to unpack so she could get some more work done.

She plugged her laptop charger into the wall and sat down in her chair, just as she heard Matthew come walking out of his room, zipping up his pair of jeans, stopping by the kitchen table and looking at her and laughing dryly. “Of course you’re doing more homework.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, turning in her chair. Matthew rolled his eyes, but not before he shook his head as if to brush her off. “No, don’t just shake your head and ignore me. What’s that supposed to mean Matthew, hm?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like it means, Riley,” he said, motioning towards her. “These last two weeks you’ve either had your face buried in your computer, in a textbook or in a pillow passed out because you’re too tired to do anything.”

Riley felt taken aback as she sat there on the kitchen table chair, crossing her arms. “What am I supposed to do, Matthew? Ignore my responsibilities and write halfass papers and homework that I have to do in order to get my degree?”

“No, but you can take a break every once in a while,” he replied, walking back into his room and leaving the conversation. “All you care about is writing papers or studying for tests or getting a perfect grade on your homework assignments.”

“I’m sorry for caring about my grades, but I spent a lot of money to get both of my degrees so I’m not going to do a halfass job on my assignments.” Riley stood up out of her chair and walked after him, seeing him grabbing a fresh pair of socks from the dresser his tv was standing on. “Not all of us have rich parents who could easily pay for our tuition. Some of us have to work for what we want.”

Matthew shook his head again and scoffed. “You’re not getting it, Riley.”

“What am I not getting then? Please, actually give me an answer instead of some sarcastic smart ass response and tell me what you’re problem is?”

“My problem is you knew how stressed I was about this game and how much it would mean to me for you to be there and you didn’t show up until the third period.”

“I–” Riley stared at him, blinking. “How did–”

“Claire texted Jacob when you called her and said you were on your way. Said that you fell asleep in the library.” He shook his head as he brushed by her and back out of the bedroom. “You work yourself down to the bone, Riley and I get it, you want to graduate top of your class and stuff, but tonight was important and I really wanted you there.”

“It was an accident, Matthew…” she spoke, following behind him and crossing her arms, hugging them tight against her. “I was only supposed to take a quick nap–”

“You could’ve left when Kelsey did. I know you guys were studying together because Oscar said that she had left and came home so they could have dinner together.” He cut her off, putting on a pair of sneakers, tying his shoes before standing back up and looking at her. “She made it to the game on time because she probably knew it was important to him.”

Part of her couldn’t believe that they were arguing about something so small. The other part understood that he was upset on her missing most of his game…but it was an accident. He should be understanding of that, because she could’ve just gone straight home and told him she couldn't’ make it to his game. But she still tried to go and she begged with the stadium security to let her bring her bag in so she didn’t have to go back home to drop it off and come back, only to miss even more of the game.

She still tried.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, Matthew. It was an accident,” she replied, standing there with her arms crossed. “And I still showed up. I could’ve gone straight home but I showed up because I knew you wanted me to be there and it was an accident. I didn’t purposely miss your game.”

“No, but you didn’t come and eat dinner with me either. You could have, but you didn’t,” he said, looking at her. “Do you realize how much time we’ve actually spent together in the last two weeks? Time where you weren’t on your computer or asleep at the table because you fell asleep working on homework? Maybe a day or two and that’s pushing it.”

It felt like they were going in circles, whatever it was that they were arguing about. She spoke, he spoke, she spoke again– round and round and no solution in sight. It was frustrating beyond belief, but she’d never been in this sort of situation before– fighting with someone she was dating, because she’d never had a relationship before…he was her first real one– so how the hell was it supposed to be handled? Did she let him complain and that was it? Just apologize and assume it was fine? Argue back and let her know that she didn’t do it intentionally? Every option that went through her mind, didn’t have a clear solution.

Which is why she ended up just arguing back with him, which probably wasn’t the best idea.

“I’m sorry for wanting to focus on the education I’m paying for, Matthew. I get that your hockey game was important for you, but you’ve got like twenty freaking more to make up for the one I missed. You’ve got more games and another season after this, I have this semester and then I get my degree. Of course it’s going to take my attention away, because it means a lot to me–”

“Oh, it means a lot to you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “So what am I? Chopped liver?”

This time Riley was the one to laugh in disbelief, shaking her head as she brought her hands to her temples. “I can’t even deal with you right now. Do you even hear yourself? What do you want me to do, huh? Apologize? Because I am, I’m sorry I missed two periods of your game because I overslept in my nap after stressing about my paper and my capstone oral presentation to get a degree that means everything to me and my future. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you get your assist on Johnny’s goal or God forbid, shove someone into a board. But I had a bigger priority and at least I still tried to go, I even had to beg the damn security supervisors to hold my bag so they would let me in and I wouldn’t miss your entire game.” She exhaled heavily, looking back at the blue eyed blonde. “So no, you’re not chopped liver, but right now you’re being a jerk and I don’t know if I want to be around if you’re going to keep acting like one.”

He stood there in his spot looking at her for a few seconds more before walking back into his room and coming back out a few seconds later, now with a jacket on over his t-shirt. He walked over to the bar counter and grabbed his keys, his back still to her.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going out to celebrate with some of the guys,” he said, keeping his back to her. “I wouldn’t want to bother you anymore while you do your work or make you hang around while I’m being a jerk.”

“That’s not–” she huffed, following after him as he headed towards the door. “That’s not what I–” Riley could barely get the words out before he was out the door, shutting it and locking it behind him and leaving her alone in his apartment. “Meant.”

Riley stared at his apartment door, hoping that he would come right back through it because he forgot something, because maybe then that could be another chance for them to settle their misunderstanding and not be angry at each other. But she couldn’t hear lingering footsteps on the other side of the door, nor was there any sign that someone was attempting to even unlock and open the door. She walked back over to the kitchen table, picking her phone up and unlocking it, calling Claire and bringing the phone to her ear.

“Hey Ri, what’s up?” She asked, music in the background.

“What are you doing tonight?” Riley asked, leaning against the wall, keeping her arms close to her.

“I’m going out with Jacob and the guys, we’re downtown at the bar!” She replied, slightly yelling into the phone a little bit. “Are you and Matt coming out?”

“No, well I mean, yeah,” Riley sighed, rubbing her forehead as she looked at her computer sitting there waiting for her to start working again. “He is, he just left. I…I’m tired so I’m just gonna crash here at his place.”

A few seconds passed and for a moment, Riley thought that maybe Claire hadn’t heard her. “You okay?” Big mistake number two tonight. Claire knew her well enough to be able to see through her lies even on a phone call.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Riley nodded, turning off the kitchen light and walking into Matthew’s bedroom. “Be safe tonight, have fun and I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, if you’re sure. Love you.”

“Love you too,” she replied, hanging up the call and then shutting the bedroom door behind her.

Today had been long and with that fight– their first ever– with Matthew, Riley found herself way too tired to sit down at the kitchen table and try to write her paper or go over her Capstone presentation. She grabbed some of the clothes that she had here before choosing one of his shirts from his year in the OHL with the London Knights as a top and made her way into the bathroom to take a shower. It was the best time to just let the stress and exhaustion wash away with the hot water and the soap. She contemplated sending Matt an ‘I’m sorry’ text, despite the fact that she had already apologized. She also contemplated calling Claire back and telling her that she had lied to her when she said she was fine, wanting to get her big sister's advice on how to deal with the situation since Claire was an expert in all things relationship.

But she did neither. Instead, after she got out of the shower, she brushed her hair and her teeth, got dressed and climbed into Matthew’s bed, turning his tv on and finding the Lifetime app she’d downloaded, clicking on Dance Moms and watching the old episodes until she found herself falling asleep.

Riley didn’t know how much time had passed or how long she’d been asleep, but she knew for a fact that she had been asleep because the cool chill from the room sweeping underneath the raised comforter and the movement of someone settling into the bed beside her had definitely woken her up. She grabbed onto the top of the comforter, tugging it back up above her shoulders as she rolled onto her left side and groaned at the disturbance.

“Riles,” Matthew whispered, placing a hand on her waist and rubbing the area softly. “Riles, are you awake?”

“No,” she mumbled, snuggling herself down into the mattress. “I’m sleeping.”

She heard him sigh as she felt him shift closer to her, the pillow she had her head resting on dipping down and then his hand moving up onto her right arm. “Can you wake up please? I want to talk…we need to talk.”

The thump of her heart against her chest when she heard those words was enough to wake her up enough for her heavy eyelids to start blinking. She reached out for her phone on the nightstand and tapped the screen to see the time. “Matthew, it’s 1:58 in the morning…this can’t wait for a few hours?”

“Actually no, it can’t,” he replied, rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “Please, Riles?”

Riley took a deep breath and exhaled, preparing herself for whatever this ‘we need to talk’ conversation was going to be and rolled over onto her otherside, coming face to face with Matthew. “You’re home early.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t really having the best time,” he replied, keeping himself propped up onto his left elbow as he placed his hand back on her waist, keeping it there. “The guys kept ordering shots but I don’t know…I just didn’t feel like drinking.”

“You didn’t drink at all?” She asked, shocked.

Matthew sucked in his bottom lip as he shook his head. “Nope, I just kept having the bartender give me cups of water. I wasn’t in the mood to get drunk and celebrate, you know?”

Riley pouted, resting both of her hands beneath her pillow. “What? Are you going to say I ruined your celebration too?”

He chuckled softly, nodding his head. “I deserve that, I was a dick to you earlier and you didn’t deserve it. I know you still tried to make it to my game and I understand the pressure you’re under right now and it wasn’t fair of me to come for you like that about school.”

Still tired, Riley kept blinking and trying to comprehend what Matthew was saying. “Where’s this all coming from?”

Matthew looked at her, a nervous look on his face as he licked his lips and exhaled, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and looking at her. “I love you.” He must have seen the shocked look on her face even in the dim lighting from his tv screen because she could see his adam’s apple bob up and down with a nervous swallow. “I talked to Claire…well, more like she yelled at me–”

“I’m confused,” Riley said, starting to sit herself up.

“No, no, keep laying down,” he said, nudging her back down onto her side. “Claire asked me if you were really tired and I told her everything that happened and…well for one she chewed me a new one.”

“She tends to do that when she’s mad,” Riley nodded, keeping her focus on him.

“But she was right to do it, Riles, because she made me realize how what I said was unfair. I would have realized that by tomorrow or something…but she made me realize it sooner and then we got to talking about how this has been your dream since you were in middle school and you’ve been working your ass off ever since. And then she started doing that whole like therapist thing she does where she asks how you really feel–”

Riley laughed, tilting her head to the side. “She does that too. Pisses Brendan off more than anything.”

Matthew laughed softly. “Yeah, but uh…it works because she’s really good at it and she helped me realize that it wasn’t you being caught up in school or missing the first two periods of my game tonight that upset me, you know? It was me being so worked up about my performance and the game and then just…”

“Matt?” She asked, reaching out and resting her hand on his left bicep, squeezing it lightly and gaining his attention. “Breathe.”

He nodded, and took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m not mad about you almost missing my game, Riles. I’m a little upset you’re pushing yourself so hard on this school thing, but I understand that now, you know? But besides that, I’ve just…kind of been beating myself up inside about how I feel about you because…well…” He gulped again, looking at her. “I love you, Riles. I really do and it freaks me out because it’s only been a month and I didn’t want to scare you away or anything but I do. I love you and I’m tired of beating myself up about it and I told Claire that and she told me I needed to stop being an idiot and to come home and tell you, not her…so here I am. Stone cold sober and you don’t have to say it back, I’m not saying it to pressure you or anything but…well…yeah.”

Riley didn’t know how to reply. She’d only met Matthew officially for the first time in January. Sure, they’d been at events together, but that moment in the bar was the first time the two ever exchanged words. Then weeks after that night, they were on a set up blind date. Not too long after that, they were dating and now here he was, lying next to her in his bed and telling her that he loved her. Never in her life had she had someone who wasn’t a friend or family, tell her that they loved her. Sure, she’d had guys tell her that they liked her, but they never got to this point– this was uncharted territory.

Was familial love and relationship love the same? She knew she loved her parents and her siblings and her best friends, she recognized that feeling of love. But would it be any different for Matthew? She knew that she cared so much about him, just the same as she did her family and friends. But obviously, there was a difference and there were different ways that she cared for him than she did them. It was almost instinct for her to come over to his apartment instead of her own at the end of her day. She knew how he took his coffee and how he ate the same thing before every game. She knew where he liked to go on his days off if he wasn’t staying in bed. Whenever she felt anxious, just his touch alone could bring her at ease. Even just looking at him made her day so much bright. So does she love Matthew? Is that what all of these things that seemed to happen so fast in the last few months meant? Is that why she was absolutely terrified the first time that those three words slipped between his lips?

Yet when she looked at Matthew, that terrified feeling faded into the back, only leaving her thumping heartbeat in her chest in its wake and the temptation of saying those three words stuck on her lips. Her lips that were slowly turning up into a smile as she felt her cheeks heat up and her hand moved from his bicep up to his cheek, brushing her thumb against his beard.

“I love you too.”

DAY 108 – APRIL 18TH, 2022 [ SPONTANEOUS VACATION ]

“I can’t believe that you’ve been here for two years and you’ve never been to Banff,” Matthew laughed, shaking his head as they moved up in the line, each with a coffee from the starbucks in hand.

“I’ve always been busy,” Riley shrugged, taking a small sip of the hot coffee. “Besides, Claire was adjusting to her job and didn’t have a lot of vacation time between settling in on the weekends. Then she met Jacob and I was not third wheeling with those two.”

“Still,” he said, shaking his head. “Banff was one of the first things I did when I moved here. My mom and I came here and it’s one of my favorite places to go.”

“Oh?” Riley asked, raising her eyebrow. “Is this where you take all of your dates too?”

Matthew rolled his eyes as he bumped into her. “No, I don’t take all of my dates here, you dork. But, it’s so peaceful, you know? Just all of the nature…when you live in the city, especially back home in St. Louis, you just kind of forget about how beautiful it can be.”

“Touching,” she sighed, resting her hand over her heart. “That was so beautiful, I’m going to quote you on that for my instagram caption.”

He threw an arm over her shoulder and pulled her into his side, keeping her trapped. “You’re such a brat sometimes, you’re lucky I love you.”

“Mhhm,” she agreed, looking up at him as she stood on her tippy toes and kissed his lips softly. “So lucky.”

In an extremely rare occurrence, the Flames had the day off. A previously scheduled game was now going to be rescheduled due to an amount of covid cases on their opponents team, leaving them with no enough players to play. Meaning that Matthew and the Flames didn’t have to travel until tomorrow morning, when they’d fly to Nashville. Matthew came home from what was supposed to be him leaving for Chicago and woke her up, telling her they’d just had a quick practice and that he was free for the rest of the day and that she should get dressed because he wanted to take her somewhere fun.

Somewhere fun turned into grabbing breakfast from Tim Hortons and then Matthew driving the hour and a half from Calgary to Banff, the two of them listening to music and picking the other’s karaoke song, every so often doing a duet. It was a nice break from homework and stress, her one day off of classes where she was planning on sleeping the entire day away– she was actually being swept off to some of the prettiest mountains in Alberta, their first trip together as a couple.

Having been here plenty of times before, Riley let Matthew take the reins on what they would do. They grabbed another coffee at the Starbucks inside the building that was at the base of the mountain before getting onto the Gondola. She was mesmerized by the sights of the snow covered ground and trees as they rode up the mountain. Never before had she seen such an amazing, jaw dropping sight and begrudgingly, she told Matthew that he was right. It was a beautiful view and one that she had been so easily to forget had existed because of how she spent a majority of her time in the city in a classroom and with her face in a computer.

They walked hand in hand down the boardwalk, stopping every so often to take pictures or to just take in the sights. Matthew had gotten stopped every so often by other people who were enjoying the view, talking to him about the season and the team and asking for a picture. Riley wasn’t bothered by it one bit and she offered to take the picture for them if they wanted. It was nice seeing Matthew in his element. He was such a people person and so outgoing and talkative, but she also knew very well that shy and quiet side of him when it was just the two of them in the apartment and lounging on the couch watching netflix.

By the time they made it to Sanson’s peak, Riley could feel her face start to go numb from the cold and she was fully curled up into Matthew’s side as they looked out at the view. Snow was actively falling and yet she couldn’t take her focus off of the stretch of peaceful and beautiful nature in front of them. It was magical, like she was standing in the middle of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies her mom recorded for all of them to watch when they were together on Christmas break.

“It’s beautiful, Matthew,” she said, looking up at him as her head was resting against his chest. “Thank you for bringing us here.”

“Of course,” he said, kissing the top of her Flames beanie of his that she’d taken to wear. “Beautiful views for a beautiful girl.”

Riley laughed, shaking her head as she nudged him. “You’re so cheesy.”

“Jacob said the same thing when he saw that picture of us from the Super Bowl party taped up in my locker,” he smiled, shrugging. “And then I called him out for the same thing because I know he’s got a picture of him and Claire in there somewhere.”

“You have a picture of us in your locker?” She asked, blinking slowly. “Really?”

Matthew nodded. “I’ve got pictures of my parents and my grandparents and siblings too…all of the people that I love and who mean the world to me.”

“You’re such a cheeseball,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her face against his chest, reveling in the feeling of his arm around her as she looked out at the winter scene.

She always teased her mom and Claire for loving those Hallmark Christmas movies so much. There was something so ridiculous about the same storyline in different movies. Boy meets girl, girl ignores boy, some weird coincidence brings them together and they find that they’ve got a lot more in common than they thought and then the feelings start and everything seems so full of happiness and love. Then, the big climax of the movie, something goes wrong, but in the end it all works out. Every movie was so different, but also so similar. It was magical, romantic and now that she had Matthew…part of her understood why they loved those movies so much or why Claire seemed to always put herself all into her relationships.

Because here, right now with Matthew holding onto her as she stared out at the mountains and the trees with the snow falling around them, Riley had never felt more at peace than she did in this very moment.

DAY 150 – MAY 30TH, 2022 [ A MOST IMPORTANT DAY ]

She’d been here before– sitting in a stuffy auditorium surrounded by hundreds of students, wearing a not so comfortable robe and shifting every so often in her chair to make sure that her butt didn’t fall asleep while she listened to the speakers talk. She had her bachelor’s degree, so she knew how a graduation ceremony would go and how long it could take, but right now everything felt so different.

Her gown wasn’t so different than the one she wore when she got her bachelor’s degree, aside from the velvet that lined the master hood. Her cap was the exact same, though this time instead of it being decorated with a nod towards her next journey to the University of Calgary like her cap had been when she received her master’s, this one was decorated with light blue scrapbook paper that covered the black of the cap, sticky flowers on the two side corners and in the middle, in white painted letters (thanks to Claire), was a quote from One Tree Hill, many she had scoured over what to pick, but one that Matthew was found.

“So for now I say goodbye to this chapter of my life and I look forward to what comes next.”

A cap that was decorated with Kelsey and Claire sitting at the kitchen table in Matthew’s apartment, Jacob, Oscar and Matthew sitting in the living room and drinking beer, relaxing and sulking slightly at the way their season had ended only four days earlier. And like she had been feeling the weeks leading up to graduation, Riley sat there feeling a sort of mourning for the community she’d be leaving behind once she went back home to St. Louis once she graduated– scared of leaving behind her friends and the unknown of her future.

It was a feeling she’d tried to hide that she was experiencing it, but one that Matthew had called her out on many times and she’d expressed to him her doubts and fears and overall worries…which is why he suggested that quote, and how easily it fit in along with all of the times he’d talked her off the edge of fear.

And while that feeling had been hanging over her the moment she woke up that morning in her own apartment, having had a sleepover with Kelsey so the two could get ready together before heading off to campus to prepare for the ceremony, once she heard them announce her name, hometown and degree and crossed the stage, the cheers of her friends and family and classmates echoing in her ears….she felt hopeful. All she could think about was meeting up with her family afterwards, seeing the smiles on their faces. She looked forward to playfully teasing her parents about wanting to take so many pictures. Sure, she’d experienced this all too familiar feeling before…only this time, there was a big difference.

She’d be greeting Matthew as well.

When the ceremony came to an end and the cheers and applause of her peers, their friends and families and faculty alike bounced off of the auditorium walls, Riley was one of the first students to make a beeline for where they were instructed to pick up their actual paper diplomas from tables set off to the side. She was fourth in line at her respective last name table, assuming the other three students were sat right on the aisle of their rows and her phone was going off, presumably her family group chat texting her on where they would meet her once she made her way outside.

With diploma in hand (well, in the leather diploma folder), Riley maneuvered her way through the crowds of students and guests who were still filed into the auditorium, eager to get outside to meet up with everyone. Her eyes were squinting the moment she stepped outside into the summer day, the cap that was still on her head providing no shade for her eyes, leaving her to shield them from the hot sun using her free hand as she tried to see if she could spot anyone familiar.

“Riles!” She heard Matthew call out, yet she didn’t see him as she looked around. “Riles, over here!” His voice was a little louder now, allowing her to figure out what direction it was at least coming from. She looked to her right to see Matthew waving his left hand in the air and walking over to her with a smile on his face. Immediately she noticed that he was wearing her favorite shirt of his– the lavender dress shirt– coupled with gray slacks and the YSL belt she jokingly teased him for wearing all of the time.

Riley walked in his direction, quickening her pace the closer she got before she reached him and jumped in his arms, wrapping her own around his neck and pressing her face into the side of his neck as he wrapped his left arm around her, supporting her. “Did they ditch you? I thought you were supposed to sit with Claire, Jacob and my parents?”

Matthew placed her back down onto the ground, keeping his left hand at the small of her back as he leaned down and kissed her before standing back up. “Well, when Oscar and I finally got a parking spot, Claire said some lady threw a huge fit about them saving two seats, so we ended up sitting on a whole different side of the auditorium with Kelsey’s family.”

“I’m surprised Claire didn’t throw her down the steps.”

“She sounded like she was a few seconds away from doing that when we were on the phone, but I told her it was fine and that I’d meet up with them,” he held out the bouquet of white daisies and deep pink, along with red roses and smiled. “These are for you. I know you don’t really like roses, but my mom lectured me about how I couldn’t not get my girlfriend roses on such a big day.”

“They’re beautiful, Matt,” Riley took a small whiff of the fresh flowers and looked back at him with a smile. “Thank you, and I’ll be sure to tell your mom thank you as well.”

“Please, because I’m 90 percent sure my dad stopped her from lecturing me about how roses aren’t just roses and all of the colors have different meanings…it was a lot,” he took a deep breath as he rested his hands on his hips and sighed, shaking his head. “But enough about that, let’s go find everyone!”

Riley held his hand as the two of them made their way over to the meeting spot that her family had agreed on beforehand– about halfway between the parking lot and the auditorium– and she couldn’t stop thinking about how this was going to be the moment where Matthew would meet her parents for the first time. A bad case of food poisoning mixed in with traveling had kept them from meeting Matthew when they flew in the day before what would be the last game of the Flames season. Then with end of season stuff, exit media and the chaos of upcoming graduation– there was just never a free time for them to meet.

Until now, and now, she was absolutely petrified of them meeting. She wasn’t all that sure why, because she’d seen her parents meet Jacob and both of Claire’s high school boyfriends, not to mention Brendan’s girlfriend. She knew her mom would be just as welcoming and heartfelt as Chantal was when Riley had met her and she knew that her dad would immediately play the tough guy, only to melt seconds later. She knew it, she’s seen it– and yet she was more nervous about Matthew meeting her parents than she had been about potentially tripping on stage when she walked across it.

She snuck a look at Matthew from the corner of her eye who was talking about how he and Oscar had spent all morning making sure the catering was confirmed to be delivered to Kelsey’s parents house since they were hosting the party and how he had no idea how his mom ever planned an entire party or why she enjoyed planning them so much because he was stressed only because of food that he wasn’t even in charge of cooking. She felt her nerves waver away as she zoned in on how he was swinging their conjoined hands at a comfortable pace and had his other hand snug in his pant pocket, walking with total confidence and grace that just seemed to be so infectious that it was somehow washing over her.

“Riley Anne Thompson you little genius!” Claire yelled, easily gaining their attention. She was standing straight ahead of them just a few feet away and waving her hands in the air. “Get your butts over here!”

Matthew chuckled and Riley looked up at him with a pout. “Stop it right now.”

“I just think it’s funny, you know? Your initials spell rat and everyone thinks I am one,” he squeezed her hand supportively. “Almost makes it seem like it was meant to be, hm?”

Once they got close enough, Matthew let go of Riley’s hand and nodded at her to hand him her diploma and flowers so she could hug her family. She wasted no time greeting each of her parents with a hug before moving onto her brother and then both Claire and Jacob. When the congratulations and the hugs were done, she turned around with a nervous smile and walked the small distance where Matthew had been standing and stood beside him with a proud smile.

“Mom, Dad, this is Matthew, my boyfriend” she smiled, looking away from Matthew and over to her parents. “Matthew, my mom and dad.”

“Otherwise known as Elizabeth and Michael,” her mom smiled, breaking the distance and greeting Matthew with a hug. “And we’ve heard a ton about you from Claire and Riley both. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, ma’am,” Matthew replied, hugging her before turning his attention to Riley’s dad as her mom pulled away from the hug, extending his hand out towards her dad. “And you too as well, sir.”

Riley swallowed the knot in her throat as she looked at her Dad, who, as predicted, was pulling his tough guy act with the squinty eyes and stone faced demeanor. She told Matthew not to be so polite and nervous, because she knew her Dad would see it coming from a mile away– and there they were…the slight awkward tension. She watched as her dad looked at Matthew’s hand and then back up at him before cracking a smile and reaching out to shake his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Matthew,” her dad said, adding another pure father moment by patting Matthew’s shoulder as well. “I’m glad to see that someone was finally able to break down those walls of Riley’s. I was starting to think that thing was going to surpass the great wall of China–”

“Michael!”

“Well, you survived the meeting,” Claire whispered, resting her chin on Riley’s shoulder and trying not to stifle a laugh. “Now all you’ve got to do is survive the party.”

“It’ll be fine,” Riley replied, shrugging as she looked back at Matthew who was now making small talk with their dad and brother. “I think they love him already.”

And things were fine, totally and beyond fine. Once they caught up with Kelsey, Oscar and her family, both groups made their way back to Kelsey’s parents home only a short distance away and from the moment they pulled up to the house and as the time ticked on, the party was in full swing. Riley got a front row seat to seeing her dad and Matthew talk about who knew what, but anytime she snuck a glimpse she felt her heart swell and she couldn’t help but smile and wonder if this feeling was what he meant by when he told her how much he loved seeing her get along with his mom and sister the first time they met and she sat with them at one of his games.

She sat back in enjoyment as she watched Matthew entertain some of Kelsey’s nieces and nephews with various yard games– limbo being the one where he dramatically fell to the ground to make all of the kids giggle because “you’re so bad at this! Look, it’s not that hard!” Or when he and Oscar gave a joint “proud boyfriend” speech after the proud parents had. How he and Jacob both accepted Bredan’s challenge of eating their wings the fastest, then proceeding to win and down her water when the heat got too much. Then getting her a refill, of course.

The drinks were flowing and as the sun started to set and everyone continued to have a good time, Riley was talking to Kelsey about their next steps. Kelsey had managed to get a job with a junior hockey team as a physical trainer in Calgary, following that she passed her certification and that she was also considering getting her PhD as well, though she wasn’t all too certain about that yet. She was excited for her friend to hear about all of the set plans that she had now that they had graduated, but Riley would be lying if she said she didn’t feel totally unprepared. Sure, she looked into jobs and applied. Some were here in Calgary, others were back home in St. Louis, but she’d yet to hear back from any of them. But she wouldn’t let that get in the way of how proud and happy she was for Kelsey. Especially since earlier before graduation when she saw her mentor, they had a conversation and her mentor said she would help look around for jobs she might be interested in.

Riley took a small sip from her beer bottle and was about to reply to Kelsey’s question about if she and Matthew had any summer plans when she saw the man of the hour himself come walking over from the back porch, smiling at her and making a ‘come here’ motion with his right hand as he held his beer in his left.

“It seems that I’ve been summoned by the needy boyfriend, so I’ll be right back,” she smiled, putting her beer down into the cup holder of her lawn chair and standing up, meeting him halfway as they stood by the bonfire. “Yes?”

Matthew held out his hand and nodded at it. “Grab my hand,” he brought his bottle up to his lips as he took another sip, watching and waiting for her to grab his hand.

“Why? What’s the trick?” She asked, hesitantly reaching her hand out.

He huffed, letting his smile fall as he looked at her. “Just grab it.” Riley placed her hand on his, eyeing him suspiciously as he just smiled and held her hand before pulling her closer and wrapping his left arm around her waist, looking down at her. “Gotcha, now you’ve gotta dance with me.”

“Matthew,” Riley whined, leaning her head back as she pouted. “You know I don’t like slow dancing.”

“Yeah, but I also know that you like slow dancing when it’s with me,” he smiled, nodding at her. “Now would it kill you to act like you love me and put your other hand on me?”

Riley smiled, shrugging. “It might.”

“You’re a brat.”

“Where do you think I learned it from?” Riley replied, rolling her eyes as she rested her right hand on his arm.

“Claire,” he replied, the two of them laughing soon after before letting it fade out as they both just swayed back and forth. “Oh look, I started a trend!”

Riley looked around them and saw that Oscar had grabbed Kelsey to dance, the same with Jacob and Claire and the parents. She shook her head, looking back at him. “Maybe everyone just got tired of standing around.”

“Orrrrr,” he smiled, stepping back and twirling her unsuspectingly. “They think we’re a cute couple and it’s super romantic and they too want to be cute and romantic.”

Riley just laughed as he brought her back into him, fanning his hand out against her back. “Okay, whatever you say.”

The two of them swayed there, Riley feeling herself start to relax against Matthew’s chest and starting to focus on the sound of his heartbeat echoing inside of his chest. “So are you going to tell me what had you so upset?” Matthew spoke quietly just so they could hear.

“Hm?” She asked, keeping her eyes closed as she zoned back in. “I wasn’t upset.”

“You looked upset while talking to Kelsey. That’s why I came off of the porch and swept you off your feet with my incredible dance moves.” He leaned himself back to look at her and tilted his head to the side slightly. “So?”

Riley opened her eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled, shrugging her shoulders. “We were talking about what we were going to do now that we were done with school and she was telling me about all the stuff she’s got set in stone and planned and I don’t know…I just felt,” she paused, shaking her head. “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

“No it’s not,” he replied, looking at her. “Your feelings aren’t dumb, Riles.”

“It’ll just make me sound like I’m jealous that she’s got all these plans set in stone, and maybe part of me is because I’ve applied to five jobs and haven’t heard a single whisper of news. But I’m not jealous, not really…I’m proud of her and happy for her because she’s my friend.”

“But you wish you had some sort of plan set in stone?”

“Exactly,” she mumbled, pouting slightly as she looked over to where Kelsey and Oscar were at. “But more than anything I’m happy for her, you know?”

“You’ll hear back soon, Riles. I just know it,” Matthew said, pulling her closer to him again. “And they’ll be lucky to have you.”

Riley rolled her eyes again in a playful manner as she tried to fight back her smile. “You have to say that, you’re–”

Matthew leaned in quickly, pressing his mouth against hers and cutting her words off with a kiss, pulling back just barely before kissing her two more times, smiling more into each one before he pulled back completely, a smile on his face as he rested his forehead against hers and looked into her eyes. “Anyone would be lucky to have you work for them, Riles. And I’m not just saying that because I’m your boyfriend. I mean it. You’re a catch, got it?”

Riley smiled, nodding her head. “Go it.”

“Good,” he replied, kissing her forehead before Riley moved her head down to his chest again and he held her close once more. “It’ll all work out, Riles. Everything you want in your life…it’ll all work out. I just know it.”

She smiled as she snuggled her head further against him, taking in the smell of his cologne and closing her eyes. She could picture it so easily– her working in her dream field, coming home from a day at work to their shared apartment, more vacations in Banff, matching playoff jackets with her sister and Kelsey…a life with Matthew at home in St. Louis and in their seasonal home in Calgary. She had been filled with so much self doubt just minutes earlier, but with Matthew’s assurance, she believed it could come true.

DAY 184 – JULY 4TH [ CURRENT DAY ]

“Ri?” Claire said, her voice sounding distant. “Riley!”

“Huh, what?” Riley asked, zoning back out of her thoughts as she looked at her sister who had finally stopped shaking her shoulder.

“I said we’re here.”

Riley looked out of her back passenger window to see the all too familiar apartment building. The knot that was in her stomach was now extending up to her throat as she stared at the building that Jacob was pulled up in front of, unable to get her brain to tell her hand to reach for her door handle to open the door and let herself out.

“You don’t have to do this right now, Ri,” Claire spoke softly, resting a hand on top of hers and giving it a light squeeze. “Jacob can always do it.”

“Yeah Riley,” Jacob spoke from the driver's seat, nodding his head as he turned slightly to look at her. “I can just drop it off for you when we go back to the apartment after dinner. I’ll drop you guys off and then come back here.”

The offer was enticing and for a moment, Riley considered taking it. But only for a moment, because it wasn’t just dropping it off that she needed to do, there was something else she needed to go if she was going to survive the rest of her summer and the months that followed.

She cleared her throat, shaking her head and exhaled. “No, that’s okay I–” she turned away from the window and looked at Claire, Jacob and Brendan. “I can do it.”

Brendan looked at Claire before looking back at Riley. “Are you—“

“Yes, Brendann…I’m sure.” She pulled on her door handle and opened the door, making sure she had her purse before she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car and stepping out into the sidewalk. “I’ll be right back and please…just stay here?”

They nodded and she shut the door behind her, turning back around and staring up at the apartment building she’d been to so many times. It was hard to believe that this would be the last time that she walked through those double doors and greet the receptionist behind the counter with a smile. If she remembered correctly, Shannon would be working today. She’d come to know all of the people who worked behind the desks' names, even from the few months she’d been around. They almost became like good friends to her, so it was weird that this would also possibly be the last time she ever saw any of them again.

Nervously, she pulled on the door handle and walked into the lobby of the apartment building, seeing that no one was standing behind the desk which she was extremely grateful for since that meant no awkward conversation was needed. She quickly walked across the lobby and towards the elevators, pressing the up arrow and sighing in relief when the doors opened immediately. She walked into the elevator, shutting the door behind her and holding the key fob against the scanner that allowed the elevator to move up to the residential floors before pressing number ten. The elevator moved slowly and she crossed her arms, hugging them to her chest as she leaned against the corner thinking about the last time she’d been in this building.

Two days ago in fact, and part of her didn’t want to come back here so soon but she knew that she was leaving Calgary tomorrow morning and while she could do what she was doing simply by mail…she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It seemed so impersonal, which things had never been.

Matthew’s family had come up to Calgary to take in some of the summer sights since the season was over. Riley loved his family and how down to earth they all were. She especially loved seeing the natural chirping and playful teasing between Matthew, his brother and their dad. His brother, Brady, had brought along his girlfriend and it was a short vacation in Calgary before everyone was headed off to Greece for their annual family vacation. A vacation that Riley would be joining, and one she was hesitant to when Matthew had originally invited her along because it was a family vacation and they’d only started dating. But he had said that he was going to ask her anyway after checking with his parents, but his parents beat him to the punch when his mom had asked publicly in the family group chat if he was going to bring her along.

Riley did insist on paying for her part in the trip, but both of his parents refused to accept her part, and she bargained to at least pay for her plane ticket— which she did. They were all out to dinner when Riley had stepped out because she’d gotten a missed call from her mentor. So she excused herself from the table and went outside of the restaurant to listen to the voicemail her mentor had left behind and when she was done listening to it— she stood there in disbelief.

The job her mentor had her apply for, one that Riley thought there was no chance in the world that she could get…well, she got it. Her mentor had called her to tell her that their contact with the hospital said that she had been chosen as one of the two other applicants to be hired to fill the pediatric occupational therapist positions they had available and thought she would pass the word on before they had sent her the official email, which she would get the next morning.

It was hard to explain how excited she was about the news. It’d been a little over a month since she’d graduated College and had yet to hear back from any of the jobs she applied to and yet there she was— getting her first piece of good news from the job she never thought she’d get hired on for. And then the nerves set in— Boston. She’d obviously have to move away from St. Louis and away from Calgary. And as she made her way back to dinner, she determined that she was too nervous to share the good news with everyone at the table. Because while announcing that she got a job was good news, announcing that she would be moving states away from her boyfriend didn’t seem like it would go over as well.

So…she saved the conversation for that night as her and Matthew were getting ready to go to bed. She had settled for the night before he did, he was still walking around his room and getting stuff ready for both his move back down to St. Louis for the summer, but also making sure he had whatever stuff he’d be packing for the trip to Greece later on. By the time he got into bed, he closed his eyes and just laid there, exhaling before opening his eyes and looking at her.

“What?” He asked, head and upper back leaning against his headboard.

“Hm?” She replied, zoning back in on him. “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but you’re staring at me.” He laughed, resting his hands on his stomach and interlocking his fingers. “I know I’m hot, but try not to get your drool all over my pillow, hm?”

Riley rolled her eyes and laughed. “I’ll try not to.”

He smiled softly, lolling his head to the side and looking at her. “But really Riles, what’s up? You’ve seemed…off all night, since we got to and left dinner, actually.”

She rested her own hands on top of the comforter, twiddling with her thumbs as she thought about what she was going to say. Her immediate thought was to just tell him that she was tired, because tonight had been so, so good and fun and relaxing, she didn’t want her announcement to make it all crash down. But she knew that wouldn’t be fair to him for her to tell him any other time than now, because after all…she didn’t know when it was that she’d need to move to Boston.

“Remember the group of jobs that my mentor had me apply for? And I told you there was one that was way out of my league and I didn’t think I’d get it, but she had me apply anyway?” Riley spoke, looking at her hands.

“Yeah, did you hear back from any of them?” He sounded so nonchalant and the fact that he wouldn’t see this coming was enough for the familiar feeling of prickling tears to start to form in her eyes.

“I did, right before dinner. She called and uh, well…I got the job that I didn’t think I’d get,” she said, swallowing the knot in her throat as she looked at him. “The one in Boston…I–I got it.”

He sat himself up, a big smile on his face. “What? Riles, that's awesome!” He reached over and draped his arm over her shoulders, tugging her into him as he hugged her, pulling back and looking at her again. “I’m so proud of you, this is great! Why didn’t you say anything at dinner? That’s something to celebrate!”

Riley just stared at him, not wanting to say the words. The silence spoke what she couldn’t say and like a movie, she watched the realization dawn on him and if hearing him be so excited for her and proud of her wasn’t enough to make the burning feeling of tears in her eyes stronger, it was seeing his proud, beaming smile start to fade. Back when she had applied for jobs, most of which were either in St. Louis or Calgary, they had a conversation about what they were going to do with their relationship. Matthew had done long distance before and in his eyes, it was just something that never worked out, even if both parties tried their best to make it work.

St. Louis was one thing, but Boston was another. He lived in St. Louis three to four months out of the year. If she stayed there, things could have been easier, just like they would have been easier if she got a job in Calgary. But Boston? Sure, he had family there, but they only visited once or twice a year, many times in the summer. The summer was his time to relax at home with his friends and family, catch up on what he missed while he was in Calgary for the previous eight to nine months. It wasn’t realistic to ask of him to sacrifice any time at home, to spend his summer with her in Boston so they could have time together too.

The thought of the end had been in her mind the moment what Boston really meant had sunken in as she had walked back to their dinner table earlier.

This, her and Matthew, the last five to six months– it was done.

“Say something,” she whispered, feeling her bottom lip tremble as the tears blurred her vision. “Please?”

“Do you know when you have to be there?” He asked, clearing his throat as he tried to wipe away any sign of disappointment that she’d already seen.

Riley shook her head, sitting herself up fully and sitting criss cross applesauce, keeping her hands rested in her lap. “No, I’ll probably find out tomorrow because that’s when I’m supposed to get the official email.”

“Well, we can hold off for a few months until you have to move, right?” He nodded, clearing his throat again before taking a deep breath and exhaling, placing his left hand on top of her hands. “Unless that’s something you don’t want to do? What do you want to do, Riles?”

Oh, he must’ve seen her reaction to that suggestion. It wasn’t a bad one, but it wasn’t an eager nod…it was more of a frown, like she knew it wasn’t going to work. “I don’t know,” she spoke softly, holding onto his hand as she looked at him. “Any chance your whole view on long distance relationships changed?”

The shake of his head was subtle, but enough to send her heart plummeting in her chest. There was no holding back the tears that had been filling her eyes from falling down her face as the reality sank in. How was this the way everything was going to end? Why were these cards handled? What kind of being running the universe would put them on the other’s path and then split them to go down separate ways just when everything was going great? Neither of them wanted to end their relationship, but there was no way that would work out for them if they chose to stay in it? The hopelessness of it all felt like it was pulling her down and she was clawing at the surface for small gasps of air so she could make it through this unscathed.

“I–” he paused, clearing his throat as he kept his focus on their hands, an intense focus that Riley recognized as his attempt not to cry. He kept that same focus the first time they watched Dear John together, because she’d never seen it.

She bawled like a baby, he came close to, but was trying very, very hard not to.

“I don’t want you to not be excited about this,” he spoke slowly and clearly, trying to keep his voice clear from emotion. “Because this is big Riles, this is what you’ve been working for. And I know that right now, this…this sucks, but this is what you want to do, you know? This job…this is it.”

Riley sniffled as she reached up with her left hand and wiped away the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t want to– this,” she sniffled again, shaking her head. “I don’t want this to e-end, but Matt–”

“I know,” he said, breaking his concentration on her hands and looking at her, tears in his eyes. “But I would be doing you a huge disservice if I let this continue on, because Riles…I don’t want it to end either, but I’d rather it end where we both still love each other than rather we try to stick it out and we end up hating each other because the distance doesn’t work.”

Tears continued to roll down her face as her mouth trembled. Matthew reached up with his left hand and wiped her cheeks before keeping his hand against her cheek. “I can’t even imagine a life where I don’t think you’re the greatest person in the world.”

She leaned herself over into his arms, curling up against his chest and letting him wrap his arms around her as he held her while she cried. The sobs were quiet, as she didn’t want to wake up Taryn, who was sleeping on the couch just outside of his bedroom door, but they were heavy sobs escaping from the depths of her chest she hadn’t even known existed. Sobs that were shaking her body as they exited her mouth and vibrated against his chest where she had her face pressed into his shirt. Matthew just held her, resting his cheek on top of her head and rubbing her back, letting her cry as he tried not to let her know he was crying too. But she could hear the difference in his breathing and feel the deep vibrations in his chest from him trying his best to hold in his own, small sobs.

Once they both calmed down, she pulled herself out of his arms and wiped her eyes with her hands, sniffling and looking at him. Only the moment he made eye contact with her, the waterworks were working again. “It’s just a right person wrong time, thing Riles. We’ll figure it out,” he said, reaching out and tucking hair behind her ear. “These things always work out, you’ve read enough of those books of yours to know this.”

“I love you,” she sniffled, wiping at her eyes as the tears kept falling.

Matthew smiled softly, leaning in and holding his right hand at the back of her head as he kissed her forehead. “I love you too, Riles.” He rested his forehead against hers before kissing it again and then pulling back with teary eyes and his dimpled smile. “Does this mean Taryn and I are about to fifth and sixth wheel our parents and Brady and Emma’s Greece vacation?”

Riley laughed, sniffling again as she nodded. “Probably. I don’t think…I mean, Greece it wouldn’t–”

“Relax, Riles…I understand,” he nodded, his smile falling into a smaller one. “But hey, just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still try to be friends, right?”

God, hearing the word friends was so heart crushing, even if she’d known this possibility was in the running. “Does that even work?” She asked, wiping her nose. “In the movies it alway goes wrong–”

“Well, we wouldn’t try to be friends right away, because that definitely wouldn’t work,” he said, shaking his head. “But…maybe we can try to take a break for a bit from talking to each other? A month or two? Then we can try to talk on a friendly, non-romantic, I want to rip off your clothes and jump your bones, basis?”

This time Riley laughed a genuine laugh. The stomach cramping, butterflies laugh only Matthew could make her do. “You’re a dork,” she smiled, nudging him as she settled down and took a deep breath, exhaling. “But yeah…I guess we can try that. There’s no harm right? And it should be easy. We became friends before dating–”

“Well, technically I tried to make friends with you at the bar and you shut me down.”

“You were flirting with me from the start, don’t even try it,” she smiled, pointing at him before letting her hand rest back into her laugh with a sniffle. “But really, Matthew…I want to try it. Because this,” she motioned between them. “This friendship and relationship felt really special, and I don’t want to lose that.”

“It’s a deal then,” Matthew smiled, extending out his hand for her to shake. “A month with no contact whatsoever, and then we’ll come back and try to be friends, right?”

Riley looked at his hand, realizing that if she shook it, it would seal the deal on her relationship with Matthew ending. But she meant what she said, this was special and she didn’t want to lose it. So she grabbed his hand and shook it, nodding her head. “It’s a deal.”

“Great,” he smiled softly, still shaking her head.

“Great,” she replied, feeling him squeeze her hand before he let it go. She took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling the dried tears on her face and the congestion in her nose from sniffling. “I need a shower, I feel all…gross.”

Matthew tossed his blankets to the side, nodding his head. “I’ll set you out a towel and start it for you. You can toss your stuff in the hamper and–”

“Can you wash my hair for me?” She asked, getting out of bed and following him into the bathroom. “Just one last time, please? We don’t have to do anything, but–”

“Of course, Riles,” he nodded, smiling as he opened the shower door and reached in, turning the water on. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

The ding of the elevator brought Riley out of her thoughts and she looked up to see the red 10 signaled on the screen, meaning she’d finally reached the floor where Matthew’s apartment was. She stepped off of the elevator and dug into her purse to find her copy of his apartment key, grasping the red rubber spiral keychain that the key was on in her hand hard enough to where she could feel it leaving an imprint in her palm. She felt herself start to slow down as she reached his apartment, her feet feeling heavy and her heartbeat slowing in pace until she found herself face to face with his door.

She knew he wasn’t home, Jacob himself said that Matthew was out with his parents doing some sightseeing until later tonight. They’d be flying out the day after tomorrow, when Riley would already be back home in St. Louis. She was thankful that they weren’t all flying out the same day. It was awkward enough yesterday morning after she’d left before breakfast and Matthew was left to tell Taryn and then his parents, Brady and Emma alone about why she had gone and how their relationship was no more and she’d no longer be in attendance on their family vacation. She really didn’t need to have a run in on the same flight either.

Riley pulled the key out of her purse, unlocking the door and opening it. She paused in place, listening in for any sound of life within the apartment, just in case the plans had changed, but she was greeted with silence. In relief, Riley walked into the apartment and shut the door behind her, turning back to face the open apartment and standing in place. Matthew had given her some time yesterday afternoon to come by with Claire and grab the stuff she had here, so she knew nothing of hers was here– but it still felt like home.

There wasn’t a single space in this apartment that she could look at and now have some sort of memory or picture a moment that she and Matthew had shared. She slowly walked further into the apartment, bypassing the bar counter and the kitchen table where she had opted to leave what she came to leave, there. But instead, she made her way to his bedroom, not wanting it to be so public whenever it was that he came across it. At least here, he would have some privacy.

She walked over to his bed and placed her copy of his apartment key down onto the blue comforter, reaching back into her purse and pulling out an envelope with his name on it. Inside of it was a letter that she’d written to him. It talked a lot about how she was thankful that he’d come into her life and that she was sorry for ignoring him that night at the bar. It brushed over the memories that they made and how much fun she’d had in the few short months, even describing how those months felt like a lifetime in the best possible way. She had signed off with a ‘see you in a month, I promise I won’t ignore you this time when you try to be my friend’ and a smiley face followed by a simple signature of her name, ‘Riley.’ But at the very bottom of the letter was a separate sign off. A p.s. note that she felt, despite their attempts to be friends, she felt was needed.

“P.S. Thank you for showing me how I deserved to be loved. Just know that you will always be the first guy I’ve ever genuinely and rightfully loved. Love Always, Riles.”

She pulled one last thing out of her purse, the copy of ‘Dear John’ that she had bought after he made her watch the movie. As someone who almost always preferred to read the book first before watching any tv or movie adaptation, Matthew insisted that she forgo the whole process and just watch the movie with him. Little did he know, she was already ordering it off of Amazon and read it in one sitting once it arrived at her apartment. On the cover, she left a sticky note with a simple message of “now read the book, i promise it’s just as good :)” followed by a bunch of page numbers, but only two of which were highlighted, simply because they were two of her now favorite quotes that just seemed oh so fitting for their situation, ironic too since it was one of his favorite movies.

“In our time together, you claimed a special place in my heart, a place that I will carry with me forever and that no one can replace” and “Our story has three parts; a beginning, a middle and an end. And while that’s how all stories play out, I still can’t believe ours didn’t last forever.”

Cheesy? Sure, but she knew that he would find some appreciation for it. Once she made sure that he would be able to find them, she took a deep break and looked around the room one last time. This was where everything had come to an end, in this very room. Where she cried and cried until she fell asleep on her last night here in his arms. It should hurt her heart being in this room, but just like stepping foot into his apartment…it felt like home. A warm, fuzzy feeling was inside of her chest, trying its best to cover up the ache and the heaviness she’d been feeling nonstop since later Saturday night. She closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath before opening them and exhaling, taking the first step to walk out of his room and not letting herself stop and slow down to take in the apartment one last time, because then she knew she would have the hardest time trying to leave.

When she opened the door, she turned the small lock on the inside doorknob so the door would lock behind her and she paused in place. It was hard trying to convince herself not to take one last look, but she caved in, wanting to say goodbye even just in her mind to a place that’d become a safe place for her. She only allowed herself a few moments before she walked out of the apartment and shut the door behind her, making sure that it was locked. Then, she booked it like hell to the elevator, never taking another look, not even when she got into the elevator, forcing herself to stand in front of the buttons as she pressed the lobby button, her lack of having the key fob keeping her from going onto any other floor, even though she wasn’t going to.

The moment the elevator doors opened on the lobby, she kept her focus straight ahead where she could still see Jacob’s car parked out front. She bypassed the still empty receptionist desk and quickened her pace, feeling her heart race in her chest as she pushed open the door and walked out into the summer heat, the sunlight hitting her face and making her squint her eyes. Her chest was rising and falling fast as if she was suffocating with the memory she was leaving behind as she left the apartment one last time. And once she stood outside, she was able to take a deep breath, feeling her chest fully expand and deflate as she exhaled.

“Hey Ri, you good?” Brendan asked, his window rolled down as he now sat in her seat.

“Yeah,” she nodded, taking a deep breath and exhaling again before turning back and looking over her shoulder at the apartment building, her eyes instantly going to where the tenth floor would be. “I think I will be.”

DAY 203 – JULY 22ND, 2022 [ TRICKED RECONCILIATION ]

“I already told you earlier” Riley said, looking at Claire and Brendan as she laid her book down onto her stomach. “I don’t want to go and you can’t make me. I’m literally 24-years-old.”

Brendan snorted, leaning in her doorway. “I told you she wouldn’t go, I don’t know why you bothered trying to–”

Claire turned around to face their younger brother, pointing at him. “Go wait in the living room, we’ll be right out.”

“Fine,” Brendan held his hands up in defense as he stood up straight and turned around and walked down the hall and eventually down the stairs and out of view, leaving just Riley and Claire there in Riley’s room.

Claire double checked to make sure he was out of sight before she closed the bedroom door behind her and then made her way over to Riley’s closet. “You’re wasting your time, Claire–”

“No, you’re wasting your time,” Claire replied, opening her closet doors and skimming through the clothes. “I know you’re still upset about the way things ended with Matthew but you leave for Boston in a month and a half and you haven’t done anything besides lay in bed and read your books since you got home from Calgary.”

“I’m not upset about Matthew,” Riley said, resting her book down and staring at Claire. “I mean sure, it’s not all sunshine and daisies, but I’ve accepted that life isn’t fair and the situation overall sucks but there’s nothing that I can do about it. I did my crying, I’ve accepted it and now I’m just going to wait until it’s time to leave for Boston and enjoy my favorite things while I do.” She picked her book back up and turned the page. “Now get your nose out of my closet and go to that party.”

“Ri, I love you a lot. You’re my sister and my best friend, we’ve spent our entire lives together. We grew up together and we know each other better than anyone else in this world. So I don’t know why you think you can pull this ‘I’m fine’ bullshit over on me. Because if anyone knows you’re not fine, it’s me.” She grabbed an off the shoulder shirt and tossed it at Riley’s feet, a pair of jeans following after and then she closed the closet and walked over to her dresser, grabbing a strapless bra and adding that onto the pile. “So get up, get dressed and meet Brendan and I out in the living room in ten minutes or so help me God, I will drag you out of bed and to the party looking exactly like this, by your hair.”

Riley sat there as she watched Claire open the bedroom door and walk through it, shutting it behind her once more. On one hand, she knew Claire was right. Her time here at home was dwindling down fast and before she knew it, she’d be in her new apartment in Boston, alone. But on the other hand, she just wanted to spend her time, especially at night, doing the things she enjoyed. Things that filled her time and preoccupied her mind from drifting off onto wondering what Matthew was doing or how their vacation to Greece went. If he was back home now or if he went off on another trip with friends.

She bookmarked her page and set the book off to the side before tossing her blankets off and getting out of bed. Grabbing the clothes Claire had set out, Riley changed over to the jeans and shirt, getting dressed into real clothes that weren’t sweatpants and a t-shirt for the first time all day. She took the time to get herself ready and looking like she hadn’t just spent so many hours locked away in her room, lying in bed and reading a book before she left her room, seeing Claire and Brendan sitting there, both looking surprised.

“Well damn, you actually did it,” he said, looking at Claire and uncrossing his arms. “Well, let’s get going, yeah?”

He walked towards the front door, Riley standing there as Claire came up beside her and draping her arm over her shoulders with a smile. “You’ll have fun tonight, Ri, I promise.”

Maybe Riley’s idea of fun and Claire’s idea of fun were close, but not the same. Sure, it was nice to see some of her friends from high school and some of Claire and Brednan’s friends too at the house of one of Riley’s friends. Their city was large, but small. Everyone here had a sixth degree relationship with someone else.

And that's something Riley should’ve remembered when she saw Matthew standing inside talking to one of her and Claire’s friends from high school. At first, she had to convince herself that it wasn’t actually him, she was just imagining it. But when he leaned his head back and laughed, she felt something squeeze around her heart, because she’d know that dimpled smile anywhere. She stopped herself from going inside to grab herself a soda, instead walking around the backyard to try and find Claire or Brendan to tell them that Matthew was here and she wanted to go home.

Yet somehow, they were nowhere to be found and she was left to figure it out herself. She texted their sibling group chat, sending an ‘SOS, need to talk’ message before sitting herself down on the edge of the pool and rolling her pant legs up as high as she could before dipping her feet into the cool water. It was only a little over a week away before their one month of not seeing each other or talking was to come to an end. Then they could try to be friends again, but the feeling inside of her chest and her racing heart was telling her that a month wasn’t enough.

That maybe they would need more time, or God forbid, not be able to be friends at all.

“Hey…” She felt her pulse in her throat as she looked up to see Matthew standing there to her left, his hands buried deep into his shorts pockets.

“Hey,” she replied, smiling softly as she motioned for him to take a seat. “You can sit…if you want.”

She watched as he hesitated for a moment before nodding and taking his hands out of his pockets and sitting himself down next to her, taking his flip flops off and placing them down next to her before putting his feet into the pool. They sat there in silence for a few moments, the party in the background filling the silence between them.

“How was the trip to Greece?” She asked, breaking the silence and swallowing the knot in her throat. “I saw the pictures…but how was it?”

“Good, it was good, a lot of fun,” he nodded, holding his bud light in his hand. “It would’ve been a lot more fun with you there, but you know…it was still a good time. How have you been?”

“Good,” she nodded, looking at him and shrugging. “Just a lot of shifting through stuff. My mom’s trying to get rid of half of my things, I think she’s planning on turning my bedroom into a craft room or something.”

“Mom’s tried that with Brady’s room a couple of times,” he laughed softly. “Said we’ve shared a room before, we can share one again.”

“You might not have to worry about that longer though, I saw he and Emma got engaged. I wanted to text him and congratulate him, but…you know.”

“Yeah, it’s about time too. I swear they’re practically married though,” he laughed, taking a sip of his beer. “I’ll tell them you said congratulations though.”

“Thanks,” she nodded, playing with her hands in her lap and kicking her feet in the water.

Matthew finished his drink and cleared his throat, looking at the can and then at her. “Would you want to come with me to get a refill? So we can keep catching up and I won't lose you in the crowd?”

Something inside of her told her maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but it was greatly overshadowed by the feeling of missing him for the last twenty days. “Yeah, okay,” she smiled and nodded her head.

Matthew stood himself up and reached his hand out to help her stand up too. He held her hand for a few seconds longer even after she was standing up, but then he let go and the two of them made their way into the house. Over the music they talked about what they’d been up to since they last saw each other. Matthew had gone into more detail about the Greece vacation, the sights they saw, the food and drink, renting a boat for a day and how clear the water had been. He told her that she would’ve loved it and she agreed, she would have. She told him that she wished she would’ve gone.

One of their mutual friends, which turned out to be one of her friends from high school’s brother, who was a friend of Matt’s, tried to get them to join in on some drinking game which had everyone already playing, giggling and laughing as they watched two people trying to down their drinks faster than the other. But Matthew just grabbed her hand and led her away from the group so they’d stop trying to lure them in. When they finally stopped walking, they found themselves in one of the few quiet rooms in the house– a room that looked like it was a guest room.

Riley would be lying if she said that her heart wasn’t racing and her body temperature wasn’t rising at the mere fact that she was alone in a bedroom with Matthew for the first time in months. But like he always did, he was able to bring her at ease but just…talking. They talked about her move to Boston, how she found an apartment and was set to move in in late August, early September. How she had started to talk to the two other co-workers she was hired on the same job announcement with and that they seemed like really nice people. He told her again, just how happy he was and proud he was of her for getting the job and that he knew she’d do great things.

It felt like no time between them had passed at all and they were both sitting on the bed, laughing and talking like they hadn’t broken up and were doing a horrible job at trying to be friends– when the tension that they had was still so heavy and clear, that it was hard not to notice. So maybe that’s why after the laughter had simmered down, she leaned in and kissed him before quickly pulling back, ready to apologize.

And maybe that’s why, instead of letting her apologize and agreeing that it wasn’t the best idea, Matthew cupped her face and leaned back in, kissing her back.

They both knew that what they were doing wasn’t the best idea. This would set them back again on their journey to being friends. With each layer of clothing that was removed, it was another chip away at the shield she had put up to protect her heart and herself after their break up. She would once again have that aching, open wound she’d need to nurse back to health once it was all said and done.

For right now though, she didn’t care. Because all she’s wanted since that night in his apartment, was to have one more night or day or hour or minute to be in his arms. To kiss him again. And now that she was here, in this moment and getting what her heart had been wishing for the last three weeks…she never wanted it to end.

But it had to, and when they laid there together after it was all over– just like before, it felt like nothing had changed. He had his arm draped over her and she was curled into his side and laying her head on his chest. ‘This is how it’s supposed to be, right here…just us.’ She thought and kept repeating that thought in her head, even as there was that aching feeling in her chest that knew it wasn’t going to last.

Riley wasn’t sure of how long they laid there for, not long enough for the party to be over because they could still here the muffled sounds of music and the guests from the other side of the locked door. But long enough to where she knew that if they didn’t leave the room now, their lack of presence would be noted by those who knew of their relationship. So she was the first one who made the move to get up out of bed and start to get dressed, Matthew following soon after her as they didn’t speak. And suddenly she found herself regretting her choice to get dressed, because laying there in silence was so much better than getting dressed in silence.

“Oh…” he said, picking up her shirt which had soaked up the remainder of his beer that had been spilled at some point while they were undressing. “You can’t wear this, it reeks of beer. Here,” he took off his shirt, an old London Knights one she’d worn time and time before as a pajama shirt. “You can wear mine.”

“Thanks,” she said, putting on his shirt and then taking her beer soaked shirt from him balling it up and shoving it in her purse.

“Riles…” God she missed hearing him call her that, it was her favorite thing in the world she’d come to find. But right now, she wished he was calling her anything else. “I…maybe we just got a little too ahead of ourselves with this…trying to be friends, you know?”

She could feel the tears burn in her eyes as she choked them back, trying not to let the knot in her throat stop her from taking deep controlled breaths. “Mhhm.”

“It’s just…it’s too soon and then this,” he shook his head, exhaling. “I don’t regret this at all, Riles. Because I love you, I do. But I don’t, I’m not sure if I can be your friend and love you at the same time.”

Riley just nodded again, making the first move towards the door as he followed behind. “I get it, I do.”

“So maybe,” he took another deep breath and exhaled, putting his hands in his pockets again. “Maybe, it’s going to take a lot longer…and maybe we shouldn’t–”

“Matthew, please,” she said, shaking her head. “You don’t need to say it, I understand what you’re saying, I promise. Thank you for everything, and I don’t regret this either and I love you.” She felt the knot in her throat choke her for a second before she cleared it and nodded, turning away from him. “I think I’m just going to go home.”

He nodded, and reached around her, unlocking the door and opening it before stepping aside and letting her leave the room. She heard the door close behind her soon after, probably to let himself wait a bit before he left the room as to avoid any speculation, though that was going to be hard considering he was left shirtless and she was wearing his shirt. She made her way outside after not seeing Claire or Brendan anywhere in the living room and kitchen, eventually catching sight of Brendan standing off by the jacuzzi. She walked over as fast as her feet would take her, clutching her purse and her shirt against her and fighting like hell to keep the tears from falling.

“Hey Ri,” Brendan smiled, his smile falling once she got closer. “What’s wrong?”

“I want to go home,” she spoke softly, Brendan ushering her off to the side and away from friends so they could speak privately. “Matthew’s here a-and I just want to go home.”

“Of course he’s here,” he said, looking confused. “Didn’t Claire tell you he was going to be here?”

She looked at him, confused and taken aback when she felt a pair of arms around her shoulders and someone resting their chin on her shoulder. “Hi little sister, are you having fun?” Claire smiled, letting her arms fall to the side when Riley stepped out of them. “What’s wrong?”

“You knew he was going to be here?” Riley asked, her bottom lip trembling.

Claire’s smile falling into a frown told Riley everything that she needed to know. “Wow,” she huffed, shaking her head. “Out of everyone, I thought that you would understand how it would make me feel to see him again. I told– I cried to you about everything and you…” she stopped, sniffling and shaking her head again. “I’m going home.”

“I’ll drop you off and come back,” Brendan said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder before looking at Claire and walking with Riley as they left the poolside area of the backyard and through a backyard fence.

When they made it to the front of the house, Brendan dug into his pockets to grab the keys and as they made their way to the car, Riley spotted Matthew getting into the backseat of what she presumed to be an uber. And soon she realized, as she watched the uber slowly drive away…that this was how life was going to be from now on. No more Matthew. And just like the uber had drifted off into the distance and out of view, he too would eventually fade from her thoughts.

And the peace he brought would go along with him.

DAY 244 – SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2022 [ A PEACEFUL REALIZATION ] *EPILOGUE*

“Well Riley, I have to say that your apartment looks quite nice,” her dad smiled, taking a look around the living room and the furniture they’d set up to make the 800 square foot apartment feel a little more homey.

“Thanks, Dad,” she laughed, sitting on one of the bar stools at her counter. “But I meant it when I said you guys can’t stay here tonight. You’ve stayed here the last two nights helping me set up, but now it’s time for me to spend my first night alone in my apartment.”

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Brendan teased, resting his hands on her shoulders.

In the 41 days since that night when she’d last seen Matthew…a lot had changed. For the first two weeks, she and Claire were at odds. It didn’t help that Claire had also gone off to Sweden to visit Jacob’s family for a week, but when she came back, she had apologized to Riley for what she had done. Telling her that her reasoning was that she knew how much she’d missed Matthew and she knew that Matthew had missed her too– and that maybe, if they’d gotten back together that they would be able to see a new solution through.

All she wanted was for her sister to feel better again, she wanted the best for her little sister and though she went about it the wrong way, she was still sorry for doing it and hiding Matthew’s attendance at the party from her. She spent the rest of August spending at much time with her family in between packing and sending emails to work to set up and confirm her first day and what she’d need to bring.

She was nervous to be moving from home, but at the same time she was excited. This was something she had worked for her entire life and she was finally on the journey to reaching it. It was something new and unknown, but that adventure made it nerve wracking…and thanks to Matthew, she’d learned that sometimes, those nerves when you’re about to do something for the first time…were just excitement hiding in the wings.

Her family and Jacob had tagged along to help her drive to Boston at the end of August and have spent the last three days with her, helping her unpack and set up her apartment. Tomorrow afternoon, they’d be flying back home and she’d be in the city of Boston all alone. But tonight, tonight was going to be her first night in her apartment alone– and she was both looking forward to it and hating it at the same time.

“Okay, so we’ll go get in the car so we can go to dinner,” Claire said, as their parents and Brendnan made their way to the front door. “Do you mind waiting for Jacob when he comes out of the bathroom?”

“Not at all, we’ll be right down there,” Riley smiled, waving them off as she spun herself on her barstool.

Shortly after, Jacob came walking out of the bathroom, looking around confused. “Did they leave us?”

“They’re just in the car,” Riley said, hopping off the stool. “But since I’ve got you here, I thought I’d ask…how the convo with our parents go?”

He smiled, nodding his head as they left her apartment. “Really good, they loved the ring. Said that Claire would love it too.”

“I told you she would,” Riley smiled, bumping into him as she looked her apartment behind them. “You sure you’re ready to be a part of the family? I mean…have you met us?”

“I have and you guys are great,” he laughed, bumping her back.

A little bit after their trip to Sweden, Jacob had facetimed Riley asking if he could get her opinion on something. And when she answered, he showed that he was at a jewelry store in Sweden, where he was staying with family a little longer and said that he was wanting to pick out an engagement ring for Claire, but wanted a little insight onto which she might like. She helped him pick it out and when he came into St. Louis the night before they drove up to Boston, he sat their parents down and asked for their permission to marry Claire.

Things had been so hectic that Riley hadn’t been able to get Jacob alone long enough to ask him how it had all gone, but now that they had a little bit of time, she took full advantage of it.

“Is the plan still the same?”

“Mhhm,” Jacob nodded, a fond smile on his face. “I’m going to take her to Lake Louise when we get back to Calgary, just where we went on our first date and then I’m going to ask her. Hopefully she says yes.”

“She’ll definitely say yes,” Riley smiled, nodding her head. “She really loves you.”

“Thanks, Riley, that means a lot,” he replied, the elevator doors opening into the lobby and them walking out. “And I know you guys had a bit of a falling out, but she loves you a lot and never meant to hurt your feelings. You know her, she just…wants everyone to be happy and puts it on herself to make sure they are.”

Riley nodded, sucking in her lips at the mention of their falling out. She felt nervous, but she knew that the nagging feeling wouldn’t go away until she asked, because she knew that the two of them were still in touch. “So…do you know how he’s doing? I haven’t really kept up with the hockey stuff because…you know.”

“He’s good,” Jacob replied, hesitating himself as he took a deep breath and Riley knew he was unsure if he wanted to answer. “He’s excited about going to Florida–”

“FLORIDA?” She asked, eyes wide. “What? Since when?”

“Um…maybe end of July? Right around the time you and Claire had your falling out. He got traded to the Panthers.”

Riley remembered him mentioning about how he and his agent were in talks with the Flames about his contract, but he seemed so hesitant to talk about it and not in the mood too, like something was bothering him and she knew she didn’t want to push further about it so she didn’t. She had no idea that days later he’d be traded.

“Wow, that’s…big,” she said, crossing her arms. “Is he Captain?”

“No, but I don’t doubt he’ll work his way up to it…you know Chucky. He’s really excited to be down there since he’s got an old teammate who plays for them. I think it’ll be a good change for him.”

Riley nodded, not continuing the conversation as they walked out of the apartment building and found her parents rental car, getting inside.

She tried not to let the news be forefront in her brain for the rest of dinner. This was her last night with her family and she wanted to soak up every second of it, especially since she knew that in just short of a week, Claire and Jacob would be back in Calgary and engaged. She knew she was going to miss having them just right there in the same room and knew she’d have to adjust to them being a phone call away instead. She was successful in turning her focus towards them, and by the end of dinner when they dropped her off at her apartment building, her stomach was hurting from laughing so hard.

It was the first time she’d laughed that hard since her break up with Matthew.

There was no fighting from keeping him out of her mind as she made her way into the elevator and the heavy metal slowly climbed the stories to her apartment floor– floor number ten, go figure. But she held it off until she was in the safety of her own apartment, letting the emotions flow out of her as she leaned against the door and sighed.

The silence was loud as she moved through her new apartment, trying to adjust to the layout. She walked over to her keurig, filling it up and placing a mug onto it to make herself something hot to drink. While she waited, she walked back to her room and got undressed, switching over into some pajama pants and an all too-familiar shirt that she’d tried to give back before she left, but allowed herself to keep it since it had been in her possession for weeks, and she knew for a fact that if she even tried to return it, she’d be told to keep it.

It had slowly turned into her favorite shirt the way that the cotton had been washed and dried so many times that the green and white in the Knights logo had started to crack and the material was soft against her skin.

She put on her slippers and walked back out of her room, over to the kitchen where she could see the steam rising from her Banff souvenir mug. Picking it up, she walked back out of the kitchen and over to her balcony door, sliding it open before walking out into the cool night air and shutting the door just barely behind her. She sat down in her chair, taking in the sight of the city lights all around her and the sounds of the traffic and people walking below brought her ease.

Riley brought out her phone, unlocking it and opening her instagram app. Typing in his username, she brought up Matthew’s profile and allowed herself to scroll through his pictures. The last time she’d seen it, it was before their meet up at the party when he’d posted pictures of the Greece trip. Matthew wasn’t one for posting on social media too much, so in that time, he’d only posted four things. One was a tribute video to his time in Calgary, another was a picture of him sitting at a press conference with the Florida Panthers logo behind him, wearing a polo and his dimpled smile. Another was a photo montage of what looked like a boys golfing trip, which Riley laughed at because of course. And his most recent, just a few weeks prior, was an action shot of him in the white and red panthers uniform. It was a far stretch from his red with Calgary…but it fit him well.

Out of habit, she found herself looking up at the sky, seeing the stars that the city lights hadn’t managed to outshine and when she blinked…for a split second…she thought she saw a shooting star.

As the thought passed, she smiled to herself and took a sip of her hot chocolate, looking at the mug once she was finished and leaned further back into her chair. Shortly after their run in at the party, she unfollowed him on instagram as a way to try and cleanse him from her life. A way to make the transition easier for her. But what Riley had discovered was that this was how life was going to be from now on. Sure, there was no more Matthew in her day to day life, no more random texts or facetime calls or phone calls, not even an instagram comment or a snapchat. But there was no cleansing him out of her life.

He left a big mark on her and in her life. He was the first boy she had ever loved and who loved her back, who taught her what it felt like to be loved. He was special, important. She could never push him out of her life. So while he was here for just a short while and gone in a flash, just like a shooting star…he was always going to be there in her memories.

And one day, she’d have to come to terms with that, but for now…it was just nice to think back and smile on the memories anytime a little piece of him popped up in her daily life.

He was everywhere and that was okay, because he had loved her and she loved him too and one could never easily forget it.

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charlie-lec-stories · 6 months

Text

Dirty Little Secret - Part 4: Forgiveness // CL16

Pairing: Charles Leclerc / Original Female Character

Series Summary: Charles' wife went to The Other Side and came back, but her past did too.

Chapter Summary: Charles follows his wife and Max to the woods in Roosteren, where they wish to finally find Maud.

Series Warnings: Death, descriptions of CPR and a car crash, sexual comments and implied sexual acts, mentions of blood, mentions of suicide and depression.

Author’s Note: This is a special I decided to write inspired by Halloween and the Qatar GP, it's five parts long. It's the first time I write something for this page instead of editing thing I have written before, I hope you guys like it. Rate: +16 (descriptions of medical procedures).

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"No, this is nuts". Max said, shaking his head furiously. "We're not going, we promised it was the last time!"

"Don't you get it?! She's asking for out help!". Y/N yelled back at Max moving her hands around to bring more emphasis into her comment. Charles was just sitting on the couch, trying to process everything. His wife had just told him that she spent a decade traveling back home with her best friend to camp in the woods and look for the body of a childhood friend. And now she wanted to do it again because she had been seeing... The ghost of that friend? Was that what she said? The ghost?... what the actual fuck. He couldn't help but prefer the option of her cheating on him with Max, is sounded less crazy. "We gave up, Max! We gave up on her and now she wants us to keep looking! We know that she's there, everyone used to go there. If something happened, she obviously ran there! We just need to keep looking".

"You're hallucinating, Y/N! You're probably suffering from late brain damage!". Max was just about to explode and Charles could see it. "We need to take you to the doctor! You're not making any sense. You know that going back madness".

"Charles believes me!". She defended, and her husband snapped his head towards her with an almost neck-breaking force, his eyes wide open. "Don't you, babe?"

"Uhmm...". His silence and hesitation were divorce-worthy, he could see the pain in his wife's eyes and he didn't have the heart to call her crazy. "Yeah, uhmm, of course". Max pulled off his own hair, exasperatedly. "I believe you, mon amour".

"For fuck's sake, Leclerc! You're such a-". Max cut himself off before he could say something actually offensive. "She's hurt, Charles. And even if she wasn't, I can't go and help her!". He then added a lot calmer and pointed at his legs, still weak from the accident.

"I'll go with you and help you search". Charles knew that it was a terrible idea, but he had already said that he believed Y/N and he couldn't back down. Together in sickness and health, right?

"It's too dangerous. It took us our whole lives to get to know our way through there enough for us to be safe". Max shook his head. "We're not taking you there, Charles".

"I'm not a kid, Max". Charles retorted offended. "I can go with you and be careful, you two have been walking around those woods since you were teenagers. I can do it as an adult".

"I know that we agreed on stopping". Y/N said sounding a lot more like her old self. "I know that we said we'd stop because it hurts you, because you need to move on, Max". Max was crying again. He couldn't do this all over again. He needed to stop. "But you know I'm not hallucinating. You know that what I see is real. She's calling me back there. She's calling US, Max, and we need to answer ".

There were perks in Max owning a private jet, one of those was flying from one place to the other without bringing too much attention to themselves. Max had even learned how to fly it and had his license that allowed him to go wherever he wanted. However, Max choose to get a pilot this time, there was a lot of planning they needed to do and they couldn't risk it getting recorded on the black box. It was ilegal to camp on those woods, it wasn't the first time that someone had disappeared on Roosteren and the police didn't want the kids of the town lurking around in the dark. Max and Y/N paid a large amount of money to bribe the Chief of Police each year and make him look the other way. They were probably paying doble to bring Charles in with them, but they didn't care, they'd spend the money they had to. The plan was simple, yet, it required their absolute focus on each part to secure a win. Woods are usually just plants, insects and the lonely furry predator you can find, they had guns for that, still, these woods weren't normal woods, they had a certain... effect, on people, that's why Max and Y/N went for just four days and on summer break, there was something different on summer, something less dark around, as the days were longer and the nights shorter. Still, nighttime kept as terrifying as the rest of the seasons, they both had tested their limits over the years, how much they could endure, how much they could take before breaking. Four nights, that was their limit, and that wasn't a big help to their search, five days and four nights are not enough to look for someone, it's too little time to cover so much land. Nights were off the table when it came to searching, the nights were reserved to survival and survival only, the main point of them was making it to the next morning.

"You need to follow every order we give you, no matter what, Charles. This is important". Max told him, the deep tone and the frown on his face showing how serious he was. "Specially at night".

"You can't trust yourself out there at night". Y/N added.

"What's so bad about the nights?". Charles was starting to ask himself how come he could have been so in the dark about so many things for years.

"Those woods... They do things to you". Max looked at his lap, as if the mere memory of what place did to him was too much to bear with.

"That's why you always come back so sad and shaken up, no?". It kind of angered him, that Y/N never told him any of that.

"Yeah". She could feel his anger, but she didn't have the guts to talk about it now. She knew she fucked up, that she kept the love of her life in the dark because of pure and terrible shame. Charles deserved better than to be lied to.

They arrived at Amsterdam at 2 in the morning and traveling to Roosteren would take them two hours, driving at a legal speed. They weren't walking into the woods at 4 AM, ready to be totally consumed by it, so they booked some rooms and spent the night in Amsterdam. Max got his own room, retiring to it instantly, on the other hand, Charles and Y/N waited some more to go to bed. There was this tension, so many lies and so many secrets. Charles needed to know more, he needed to feel like she trusted him, because if she couldn't, then he couldn't trust her back. They drank some whisky in the bar of the hotel, sitting in a dark corner, trying to avoid curious eyes. He watched her down her glass like it was water and it brought him back to an old memory, one created not too far from there, in Belgium.

It was his rookie year in F1, and she was there to support him, but she wasn't letting him know that so easily. They had hooked up a few times before but they never have brought up the talk about feelings. It was hard for Charles, getting close, it didn't matter how much he liked her, he had trouble letting her in. She was as cold on the outside, like an iceberg, and if it was hard for Charles with easy-going girls, getting along with this one was even harder. The race went terrible, he DNFd and Max got a podium, which made things difficult between them. He was sitting in a bar, abusing of the privilege of not being so famous yet, drinking his weight in whisky, behind his trainer's back. She spotted him instantly, her red hair loose and her eyes bright as she entered the bar. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her when he caught the swing of her hips as she waltzed towards his table. She sat down without saying a word and they drank together, until they couldn't take it anymore. He had the confession on the tip of his tongue, he was just a little push away from telling her how much he loved her, but there was still this fear, this distance he couldn't walk. "What is it, Charles?", she asked him, with rosy cheeks and a big smile, talking for the first time since she sat at the table. "Nothing", he shied away, avoiding her eyes. "You know, you can trust me any secret you have. I won't tell", she teased him with a smirk and he couldn't help but mimic the action. "It's too big of a secret, you'd ran away the moment I tell you", that picked her interest. "What if I told you a secret of mine first? To build some trust". She ran her hand up his arm, her touch ghosting his skin and he could feel all of his nerve-ends on fire. "Okay, Cherie, tell me". That earned him a giggle from her and with her lips close to his ear, she let out her secret. "Today I was rooting for you, and even though you DNFd, I still feel like a winner when you look at me". She paused, not missing on the hitch in his breath, before continuing, she licked her lips. "So c'mon, Charlie, if you still think you can't tell me your secret... try me". He turned around, his heart pounding inside his chest and he finally met her gaze. With a full heart and new found courage, he kissed her like he had meant for a long time to do so. Spilling his secret wasn't the only thing he did that night.

"Are you guys ready?". Max asked at the other side of the room's door.

"Yeah, we'll be out in a minute". Y/N yelled back the response. They had barely slept and it was the first time in years that they both shared a bed without touching at all, like even the smallest of caresses could just break them down instantly. "Do you have everything, love?"

"Yes". He was the one being monosyllabic now. But it was alright, she felt like she deserved it.

"Morning". She greeted Max once they were out of the room and towards the rented car Max got while they were still getting ready. Her best friend gave her a small smile, looking back and forth between her and her husband, who was a few meters away, paying for the room. She tried to reassure him. "It's okay".

"You need to fix this, Y/N". Max told her and she looked at him curiously. "I know I wasn't his biggest fan before, but I like the guy now, okay?". She scoffed. "I mean it, don't loose him, not like this". She looked down. "You fix this, whatever it takes, Bunny".

The drive was tense but short and even shorter was their encounter with the Chief of Police, who robbed them 500.000 euros to let them camp in the woods. They didn't hesitate and paid the money without complaining. At the car, they pulled out the map and looked for the best route to get to the points the haven't searched yet. There wasn't much land that they needed to cover, the only reason Max and Y/N stopped was because everything had become too much for them to bear. The last time they went there, a few months back, the last night was so tough on them that they promised they wouldn't go back. There was still hope though, that they could find Maud in that little part of land that was left untouched. Charles seemed to get everything in pretty quickly, he was a smart guy and it didn't take him long before he was even putting out ideas and suggesting paths on the map. They were going to camp in the center of the land they were searching and their tent would stay there for the whole five days, it was not just for them to have some kind of base to go back to, but also a geographical reference for them, so they wouldn't get lost. Every distance they walked was previously measured from their camp, they would walk and check a quadrant of 10 meters each day, which meant that every day they would walk 10 meters further away from their confort zone. The 50-meters distance they'd reach by day 5 was the most dangerous, because they'd be more tired and worn out by then, making it harder to get back to the camp if they needed. Charles knew that he had to try and sleep as good as possible if he wanted to be ready for that.

"Remember, we're on October now, we have to get back to the camp at 6 PM at most". Y/N reminded them. "Everything after that would be dangerous".

"Charles, I just want to make sure you remember everything". Max started and the monegasque looked up from the map to meet his gaze. Max wanted him to repeat the night plan again. "Please, just one more time".

"I take a leak before dinner, eat, wrap up everything, get in the tent and never get out until sunrise". Charles chanted for the tenth time.

"Never get out before sunrise, no matter what you hear, no matter what you see". Y/N added. "Promise me".

"I promise".

Charles had never, ever in his life, pictured himself looking for a dead body. Ever. But there he was, moving dirt around, trying to see if he could find anything that proved to be a grave. Max and Y/N gave him a compass, a map, a pen, water, food, a gun and a book of plants to help him search the ground. He had learned that there were some plant that fed on decaying tissue and he could use the book to see if any of those plants grew on his quadrant. Max was doing what he could, considering that his legs were still in pretty bad shape, Charles wondered if he needed help. On the other hand, he was kind of glad that he could be away from Y/N the whole day, he was still angry and didn't want to say something that he would regret later. The time alone could help him cool down. He searched and searched, stopping only to eat and drink twice. Searching wasn't that demanding physically, but the attention to detail he needed to decide if he could move from one place to another was exhausting. He felt the pressure, what if he decided that there was nothing in that square meter and he made a mistake? What if his mistake meant they'd never find Maud? It was a lot of pressure, so he made sure, completely sure, that there was nothing there before he moved on. Though the day, once in a while he saw his wife in the distance, they weren't that far away on that first day. She meticulously checked every plant and carefully removed the dirt to check underneath it. He felt his chest heavy, he wanted nothing more than to go to her and hug her, he could see she was hurting, but the pain he felt because of her lies kept him away. He rather focused on his own task. At 6 PM, he walked back to the camp.

"Do you want more?". Max asked Charles, extending his arm to hand him another sealed can of tuna salad. They had stoked themselves with a wide variety of canned foods to eat for over a week, making sure to over-stoke themselves in case something happened. Even if Max hated tuna, he ate it like it was the best food he had ever had. It was like in those woods, they were so deep into their survival mood that nothing superficial mattered anymore.

"No, thanks, mate". Charles refused. "I don't want to eat too much and then wake up feeling all heavy and tired"

"Yeah, I get it". The Dutchman paused and looked away, unsure if he should ask, but his best friend was using a tree as her personal bathroom and it was his only chance alone with Charles to ask. "How are things between you two?"

"Well...". Max felt terrible for asking when he saw the flash of pain in Charles' eyes. "I guess we have a lot to talk about when we get back home". Max just hummed.

"I'm all done". Y/N informed them and sat back down between them. Max looked at her sternly, he didn't like that she went there alone after dinner. "I'm sorry, but I really had to go again".

"Let's just go to sleep". Max said retiring to the tent. Charles and Y/N didn't move, looking at anything but each other. The tent wasn't big and they couldn't just sleep with Max in the middle. After a moment of silence, Charles sighed and got up, walking straight to the tent and not looking back.

All she hoped for was forgiveness, haunted by the ghosts of all of her regrets, it seemed like the thing she wanted the most was the only one she couldn't get.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

So... another part here! I hope you guys like this Halloween special. I love writing horror, suspense and sci-fic, so I'll probably start including some of my stories in the future.

#charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc imagines

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lulu2992 · 11 months

Note

Hey ! First thanks for this blog, it's full of really great posts :) And second, I saw you gave advices to fanfics writers for John and Jacob but I didn't see anything about Joseph, I believe I'm not the only one to think The Father is the hardest to write ! Any tips, advices or anything else ? Thanks a lot and continue this wonderful work !

Hi! And thank you :D

I suppose you’ve played the game and already know Joseph’s story, but as I did in my previous posts, I’m going to give you (and anyone reading this who might not be familiar with the Far Cry 5 universe) a few links and resources:

The Book of Joseph: an official but rare book that seems mostly canonical. Its real-life author is unknown, but it’s written from the Father’s point of view and provides details about his life before Hope County. Contrary to popular belief, though, this is not Eden’s Gate’s sacred book; that’s The Word of Joseph and we can’t read it (except one page; see below).

Joseph’s sermons: the “first” one, “Soul Search”, the one about “the elite”, and “The Truth”. The latter is him reading the only page from The Word of Joseph we can find in the game. There’s also this one for Jacob’s Armory, and this, supposed to be broadcasted in the Heralds’ bunkers when the Collapse has arrived.

His only radio call.

The message he left for John at Seed Ranch.

His lines during the final fight against him.

His Arcade lines: Part 1 & Part 2.

His scars and tattoos.

I wrote a summary of what other characters say about him (masterpost here), but the cultists and Resistance/civilians’ comments can be listened to here and here. And chances are they’re not relevant anymore, but you can listen to his deleted lines here and read even more here.

The Far Cry 5 lore is all over the place if you want to take all the content they’ve ever released into account, but there’s also:

The song “Now He’s Our Father” (choir version here and reinterpretation here)

The two live-action trailers, The Sermon & The Baptism

The novel Far Cry: Absolution (not legally available for free)

The short film Inside Eden’s Gate (and, as a bonus, the long version of one of the scenes)

The comic Far Cry: Rite of Passage #3 (not legally available for free)

The game has an official sequel, Far Cry New Dawn... but it’s not really canon to me because of the retcons. And I have to talk about it because it exists, but there’s also the Far Cry 6 DLC, Collapse. It takes place in Joseph’s mind, and you would think that would make it the most reliable source of information regarding his psyche, but it was developed by a new team and there are many discrepancies between it and Far Cry 5, so I would personally advise against using it as a reference... Finally, this isn’t only true for Joseph, but take everything you see on the Far Cry Wiki with a grain of salt, especially unsourced information that makes you go, “oh, I didn’t know that”; that’s very suspicious :’)

In the Far Cry 5: Official Collector’s Edition Guide by Prima Games, the game’s Lead Writer, Drew Holmes, said the following about Joseph:

What we really focused on was creating an enemy that truly believed in his mission—that only he could protect humanity during the end of days. We wanted to create a villain who had pure intentions but who was so consumed by his own madness that he could not see his own evil. He views himself as Noah—but everyone else sees him as a madman. (...) Joseph Seed is a villain we haven’t seen before in Far Cry. Yes, he’s magnetic and crazy...but there’s also an honesty to him that makes him compelling. He believes he has purpose. He’s not crazy for crazy’s sake—he has a very clear message that he’s trying to impart on the Player—and hopefully makes you stop and think whether or not he’s actually right.

He talked about him in other interviews, such as this one.

Joseph was co-created and has always been played by the same actor (except once), Greg Bryk, whose opinion on the character is always worth reading/listening to. Here’s a selection of videos, some of them also featuring Drew Holmes and Dan Hay (Executive Producer/Creative Director/Writer):

Cult of Personality (UbiBlog)

Meet Greg Bryk Joseph Seed Actor

Interview - Greg Bryk and Drew Holmes (Gaming Trend)

Greg Bryk (Joseph "The Father" Seed in Far Cry 5) - Game On Expo 2018

FORGED ep10 - W/ Guest Greg Bryk

SacAnime Summer 2018 Greg Bryk Far Cry 5 Panel

Joseph Seed "The Father" aka Greg Bryk talks FAR CRY 5 & FAR CRY NEW DAWN

How Far Cry’s Iconic Villains Were Created (IGN Inside Stories)

Fans also asked him questions on Instagram and I compiled his answers here (and here). In the latest live stream, he said Far Cry 5 had been “an amazing chapter in [his] life” but that Joseph’s story was “finished”, implying he didn’t feel like playing him anymore...

Finally, it’s not really informative, just fun, but there’s this.

Now, my analysis and interpretation! Despite the fact Joseph is an antagonist in Far Cry 5, I wouldn’t really call him “evil” or describe him as a villain because he’s (weirdly) well-intentioned. His followers undeniably do awful things for him and his siblings, but even though he’s a cult leader, he’s neither hypocritical nor a liar, and his primary goal isn’t to take advantage of people. Joseph heard a Voice he believes is God’s and It entrusted him with a mission. Although who that Voice belongs to is up to interpretation, it’s clear to me It’s not a figment of his imagination; It’s real, and It’s powerful. Joseph has unwavering faith in It and will obey It, whatever It asks him to do, even the worst, because he’s extremely devoted and convinced he’s only doing what’s right. He genuinely believes the Collapse is coming and that he’s the prophet chosen to save as many “souls” as he can (at least 3,000) from it to march them to Eden’s Gate, which is why he started his Project.

I said he was well-intentioned but, as the saying goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, and I think Joseph embodies this proverb perfectly. The fact he’s convinced his actions are righteous is precisely what makes him dangerous and almost unstoppable. He won’t let anything or anyone prevent him from fulfilling his destiny and get in the way of his divine purpose, even if it means people have to die. To Joseph, this is “God’s will” and those non-believers will perish when the Collapse comes anyway... The people his Family saves might fight or not want to join them now, but he thinks that in the end, when they finally understand he was right, they will be grateful. As the Father, he feels he knows what’s best for his Children.

I believe the Voice showed him several versions of the future and that Joseph isn’t sure which one(s) will come to pass. He may know his siblings are likely to die and not see the New Eden, but he hopes they will live because he truly loves them. As for the Deputy, they’re the person destined to trigger the Collapse, so they’re special to him and he doesn’t want his followers to kill them. That said, he also hopes he can make them join his Family so everyone can be safe in “The Garden” the Voice promised.

I think Joseph hasn’t really moved on from the loss of his wife and is still, in some way, in love with her. That doesn’t mean he could never love someone else, but in the game, he’s not quite there yet. That may seem paradoxical, and he’s still convinced he did the right thing, but I also believe his daughter’s death was a tragedy to him because evidence suggests he loved her more than he loved himself. Joseph is a man of strong convictions… and contradictions.

He’s usually calm and collected but can still feel and express extreme emotions in some cases. When he speaks, it’s like he’s naturally solemn and charismatic, which is probably why so many people follow him. Again, the fact he doesn’t lie to them and sincerely believes in his message is probably the reason others started to believe in him in return.

Because of what he went through in his life, it appears Joseph is always desperately trying to build a family and surround himself with loved ones. Sadly, he also seems doomed to always lose them, one way or another… His commitment to the Voice is absolute, and serving God is what keeps him going. In the end, he’s certain everything he’s endured and sacrificed will be worth it. Unfortunately, while he always aims to do “what’s right”, the tragedy of Joseph is that he usually ends up inadvertently making things worse, for him or the people he loves. His faith is his reason for living, but it’s also, too often, the main reason for his suffering.

#also hey are you one of my compatriots?#I don’t know how to explain this but you ‘sound’ french in your message haha #far cry 5 #joseph seed #greg bryk #drew holmes #dan hay #still genuinely wondering if it was the DLC that made greg go from ‘I’d love to play him again’ to ‘nah I’m done’#and I still have no idea why the live-action trailers were deleted from the official ubi channels #or where joseph’s big scars come from #far cry 5 spoilers #mentally preparing myself in case someone requests faith :’)#these posts literally take hours to write #every time I end up answering the ask several days later

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blueberrypancakesworld · 1 year

Note

Hi ! I read your Charlie Walker NSFW alphabet and was wondering if there was any chance you would write one for Robbie Mercer? I totally understand if not bc practically nobody has written for him but I figured I would ask. Thank you sm!

NSFW - Alphabet - Robbie Mercer

Info : Thank you dear anon for the request it was definitely fun to write. Maybe i'll do more for him we'll see. Have fun reading :)

warning : +18, Minors don't interact, it's getting steamy under the cut

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A = Aftercare ( how they are after sex)

°For Robbie there was no such thing as aftercare at first or besides a word of praise he just seemed to go back to his computer and edit his videos.

°But don't worry, with a little time and patience he actually stays with you afterwards, pulls you into his arms and even plays with your hair a little. But before you know it, he's either filming again and talking about himself or you. Or he's chatting you up with his latest viewer numbers.

══════════════════════

B = Bodypart (their favourite body part about them and you)

°Robbie always thought he was pretty, with his gorgeous eyes, wispy hair, etc. His favourite body part is his mouth. Not only that he can tell his audience everything that's going on, what's new and comment on everything. He can also kiss you, something he is more than happy to do. He can feel your soft lips on his, kiss along your body and make you happy.

°Your body, on the other hand, is the sexiest thing he gives. He often called you his supermodel and he likes everything about you. But if he had to choose, it was your eyes. It's not for nothing that they are the window to the soul. For Robbie this was true when he felt your sweet gaze on him, or when you looked into the camera he always had on his head to film everything. Even to your pleading excited look when tears of excitement came into your eyes. He loved the looks you gave him.

══════════════════════

C= Cum (anything to do with cum)

°Robbie likes to come inside you and enjoy the feeling of you closing around him. But he prefers to come on your body.

°How his cum spreads over your body, runs down your skin and he brushes it away with his fingers to spread it further. Before he takes it all in with his camera, there's nothing prettier to see you macked by him like this.

°,,Fuck...look at you...my own pretty model".

══════════════════════

D = Dirty Secret (self-explanatory, a dirty secret of them)

°Something that went through his head the first time he used the camera to film the two of you. Was a role play. Or how would it go? A cop and a prostitute, a dominatrix and her slave. Or the secret relationship of the princess and her bodyguard. Roobie had so many ideas of what he would try.

°Being tied up or rather being tied up something he would realise he liked was actually a coincidence. Something you happened to make for a horror film. And he realised that he liked it more than he did. So why not try it in bed?

══════════════════════

E = Experience (how experienced are they? Do they know what you're doing?)

°Like his friend Charlie, Robbie is still a virgin, maybe he's already had his first kiss. And he's had his hand on some girls' breasts or in some guys' trousers.

°But Robbie is as much a quick learner as he is a big fan of cameras and his livestreams. It only took him a few times to know what to do to get the right sounds out of you. Something he is very proud of almost bragging about.

══════════════════════

F = Favourite position (without saying you know what it's about)

°Lotus = A position you tried together and he couldn't seem to let go. To feel you so close, your warm skin, your body, how your breasts pressed against his. He could grasp you. See exactly what you felt. But most importantly, he could look into your eyes the whole time. Watching the lust reflected in your eyes. He loved the position, he saw everything that your love brought out in you.

°Missonar position = the classic position but again, he could look at you best. Feel you, search and find your gaze. Seeing your breasts move, the sweetest words flowing from your lips as he thrust into you. But your words of praise would perhaps even elicit a whimper or two, make him feel the excitement even more.

══════════════════════

G = Goofy (are their more serious at the moment? are they funny? etc.)

°I wouldn't say funny, it would be more of a challenge to take away his camera or convince him not to make comments about how you two are sleeping together. But be sure that there will be one or two bad pick-up lines or embarrassing attempts at dirty talk. At least there's bound to be a laugh, whether it's good or bad.

°,,If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting heads?"

══════════════════════

H = Hair (how shaved are they? Does the stem match the apple? ect.)

°He does shave the question is when does he have time. All the streaming and recording and editing takes time. But if it would bother his partner then he would also look for the time. Or if you look down, I'd say he definitely has a happy trail that's a little darker than his hair colour.

══════════════════════

I = Intimacy (how are they at the moment the romantic aspect)

°Even though Robbie doesn't always have time and he takes his work very seriously. So every time he spends time with you, he tells you that he loves you and how much you mean to him.

°So a few kisses as you walk by, holding hands while editing or just being together on the livestream. But most of all he loves it when you sit on his lap, he has his webcam connected to the computer and you answer questions together while he kisses you every now and then. Especially cuddling is something that is very important for him. Relaxing and just feeling you against him, how he holds you or you hold him.

°,,You are the best thing that has ever happened to me".

══════════════════════

J = Jack off (mastubation headcanon)

°The free time he had before you two got together was actually spent on his own pleasure. It helped him to get rid of all the stress and get some relief.

°But Robbie wouldn't be Robbie if he didn't have at least one folder full of homemade videos of you watching them when you're not with him and he wants to enjoy himself. The collection is almost his pride and joy - at least that's what he whispers to you whenever he wants to tease you.

══════════════════════

Kink = (one or more of the kinks)

°Praise kink = He quickly felt his heart beat faster and he felt himself getting more and more excited when you told him how good he was for you. When he made love to you, when you made a movie or just because. It turned him on incredibly to know that he triggered something like that in another person. That someone was proud of him and praised him for who he was. Believe me, if you keep this up, you will truly have him kneeling before you begging for more.

°,,I'll be good ah-promise"

°Roleplay = As already said in his dirty secret, roleplaying would more than fascinate him. When he finally dares to tell you and you agree with him, fascinated, there is no stopping him. Besides self-written scenarios and bought or sewn costumes, Roobie is completely absorbed in his role. He doesn't care if he is the dominant or the submissive part. As soon as the red glowing light of the camera shines, he falls completely into his role. And believe me, he knows what he's doing once he's inside.

══════════════════════

L = Location (favourite place to do it)

°Apart from the bedroom, which in his case is the most crowded with his computer, DVDs and CDs and posters, it is sometimes a bit difficult to keep track of everything. But his bed is always turned up and extra soft so it's your favourite place anyway.

°A more public place is the old barn where the Stabathon took place. Throw a film on the screen, maybe even a porno of one of your own works and use any free space you can get. There is definitely enough space to sleep together all night.

══════════════════════

M = Motivation (what turns them on)

°Playful teasing = Whether it's just a few hints, a wink or a whisper. Maybe even a video you send him. He'll take you home sooner than you thought he could. Or move into one of the empty requisition rooms and do a quick number. If you pin him against the wall, the bed or the couch, it is similar to tying him up. Robbie will give himself to you unconditionally, that's for sure.

°,,A little more and I'm all yours"

°You = You are his main source of inspiration, his muse for his films and his sex symbol come true. Like I said, he doesn't call you his supermodel or goddess for nothing, even if it's cliché. Above all, he would almost take you by surprise if you made him a homemade video. His gestures of praise don't stop at kisses and words. He's made it his mission to have you all night.

°,,Oh fuck...did I ever tell you ah-what you do to me?"

══════════════════════

N = No (something they wouldn't do, dismissing)

°Public = Something you wouldn't expect since he's in front of the camera all the time is that he would object to actually being intimate in public. The camera has always given him a certain security because the lens was still like a wall. But he didn't like anything about it in public. Like he wouldn't have a private affair, wirckloich.

°Pain = Robbie could also never hit you, use a knife or hurt you in any way. A light slap or a light squeeze in role play would be okay, but anything beyond that, no.

══════════════════════

O = Oral (preference whether giving or receiving, skill, ect.)

°Robbie respected getting on his knees in front of you. Not something because he wouldn't do it don't get him wrong he would have knelt down in front of you anytime. But he was afraid he wasn't good enough for you if he was honest. He knew it was somehow irrational but this fear definitely had a grip on him. But don't worry, his partner will help him learn. And in no time he will know exactly what to do to make your legs tremble, to get your fingers in his hair and to make you say the sweetest and yet most shameful words.

°,,You are...so good for me my pretty girls"

°When you spoil Robbie it's usually while he's actually in a livestream or working on something and editing videos. Be sure to kneel on a pillow and run your fingers up his legs and slightly open his crotch. Either you would tease him for minutes, feeling his muscles tense and relax. His breathing would become more silent and his fingers would caress your head from time to time. Or you would turn him into a pleading and whining something begging you to end it. Your choice and his pleasure.

°,,Keep up the good work...ah and we'll do a...live show".

══════════════════════

P = speed (are they fast and hard? slow and sensitive? etc.)

°Robbie would always be a little stormy maybe shcon rather exuberant. Once you end up in bed he can't get enough of you. However, despite his speed, his thrusts are rather gentle and perhaps a little uncoordinated when he loses himself in you. But despite this, your pleasure is still in the first place, so it's only over when you come and he comes afterwards. After all, he is a gentleman and what would he be if he couldn't bring his girlfriend to orgasm.

══════════════════════

Q = Quickie (your opinion on quickies, how often etc)

°Yes, Robbie would definitely risk a quickie, especially if it was from a livestream and you both had to come down. Or before a presentation who knows maybe that's why you were late for the Stabathon because you still had to fix your dress and get the taste of cum out of your mouth but who knows?

°So often, however, neither of you would have to be in the mood and for Robbie, a familiar environment and nothing where you have to rush off more than you intended. But otherwise nothing stands in the way of a quick fuck.

══════════════════════

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

°As already mentioned he would definitely risk something. As long as it wouldn't cause any collective damage if you both got caught, like in the classroom where anyone, anyone could get in.

°Otherwise, yes, I can definitely see that he has a side of him that loves to try out the thrill. Well, besides the fact that there's a murder running around, why not be the teenage fucking couple that might die. Robbie would probably use this as an excuse for the next porn shoot too, just between you and me.

══════════════════════

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go? how long can they last?)

°Like Charlie, Robbie Mercer is far from a top athlete, but his strength and stamina are quite sufficient for several laps. Maybe he needs a little break after a few too fast orgasms and too much teasing but that doesn't stop him from using his mouth instead of his cock.

°As mentioned before you would know exactly how to use your tongue, mouth and fingers to make him come quickly and maybe slightly. As he tearfully begs and pleads for it. But he would be lying if he didn't enjoy it.

°,,Please go on-ah just like that".

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T = Toys (do they have toys? do they use them? on the partner or themself?)

°Camera = A camera like this is not strictly speaking a sex toy. But as already mentioned the camera is a part of his life. So as mentioned before, once you're both comfotable with it, there's never a night when it's not on and pointed at you while you're making love. And believe me, besides some amateur porn, there are countless more video ideas he has. Himself masturbating as you direct him, or the other way around. There are no limits to his imagination.

°Rope = As I said before, him in a tied position would be heaven for him. I think that in the beginning he only has a rope from the hardware store. But once his partner has learned shibari. There is no situation where he doesn't search the internet for new instructions that you could try together. Once around his upper body he stands up. His legs are tied together and the rope gives just enough friction to make his cock hard he is already on the floor. He wants to try everything.

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U = Unfair (how they love to tease)

°Robbie knows how to tease you. He knows you're only too happy to indulge in your teasing. So why not a message in the middle of class, a suggestive gesture at recess. Or an announcement with a secret word at the film club. He loves to razz you because then he can either take the lead when he catches you with red cheeks and wet panties, or get a little rebuke from you.

°,,I knew it would work...it's that simple."

°But the way he can tease, so can you. And even if he seems to be calm in front of the camera, as soon as it's off and you touch him lightly or even whisper something to him, his pretty eyes immediately go to you. Almost pleading if you were serious about doing a number with him.

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V = Volume (how loud are they, what noises do they make, etc.)

°If you tease him it will be more of a whiny plea with lots of please please and loving names he gives you. But damn it, Robbie knows how to use his submissive side to get you what he needs.

°If he's supposed to be the top part, he has no shame in keeping his volume down. Even behind a closed door you will hear his moans and gasps. But especially his loud cries of how good you feel. He seems to want to tell the whole world.

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W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

°With your consent he would venture into the likes of PornHub and create an account for your videos and have more fun scrolling through the comments and enjoying the praising comments not only on his video but also on his body and yours. With each comment, his satisfied grin seemed to widen. And his ideas for new videos grew.

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X = X-ray (let's look under the clothes)

°Underneath the slightly darker happy trail I'd say he was about 14cm/5,5 in long and so wide he could almost reach around and grab it, your fingers weren't touching but it was something he used to tease you. He has clearly visible veins that go down a little from his V-line.

°Robbie knew you liked his cock, otherwise you wouldn't have sat on his lap, gone under his desk or made videos of him so often.

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Y = Yearning (how high is the sex drive?)

°A middle one you and his work with streaming are two things. But in his free time and having you with him, just a little touch on his cock would be enough to make him half hard. Which is why he sometimes waits for you to come to him just so he can press you against him again. Which of course didn't stop him from pleasuring himself with your homemade videos until you came to him and caught him more than once.

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Z = Zzz (how fast do they fall asleep afterwards)

°Robbie is a walking energy drink. Even after sex he will still have more than enough energy to talk to you for hours. Only when he's had alcohol, he's surprisingly quick to sleep, especially in a perfect deep sleep. Sometimes you think you can hear him still mumbling something to himself.

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#x reader #fem reader #fluff #male x female #scream headcanons #scream 4 #scream movie #robbie mercer #robbie mercer scream #robbie mercer x reader #smut alphabet #kiss #comfort #smut

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notkeepittogether · 8 months

Text

Talking about Making Space

i dubbed this a concept album when i made it, but i think i misunderstood the definition at the time. i’d written a handful of songs during the year, which i had intended to release as an EP or an album, but most of the demos i had remained unfinished, even by december.

all of these songs are about my time in san francisco, over my birthday & also the christmas period in 2021. the plan was to go for my birthday, meet up with my friends, and have a silly time together. you may remember the great resurgence of covid cases that occurred in november/december of that year, which definitely plays a part in this. but keep in mind i had booked my flight in june.

admittedly, it was a stupid idea to plan a meetup with internet friends you made during lockdown, only a matter of months after said lockdown measures had been slightly relaxed. it was june and i’d figured things would be much better with the rate that things seemed to be improving and opening back up again. i had managed to avoid catching the dreaded illness up until that point, and i’d confidently gone in to take my fit-to-fly covid test two days before. but the night before my flight, my mum took a test of her own amidst coming down with what seemed to be a heavy cold, and when she called for me up the stairs with a panicked voice, i knew exactly what she was going to tell me.

i was faced with a tough decision. i hadn’t yet received the results of my fit-to-fly test but i realised i was potentially about to receive what i deemed would be earth-shattering news. i went to my dad’s place to spend the night and hopefully avoid catching the virus (if i hadn’t caught it already), mere hours before my flight. i told my friends that there was a chance i wouldn’t be able to make it, but even if my test was negative, there was still a chance that i had caught it and was still in the incubation stages.

we decided as a group that if the test was negative, it was probably better to just risk it and go anyway, rather than waste all the money i had already spent on getting there and staying there. so when the test came back negative, i went.

as you can probably guess from all this buildup, two days into the trip i developed my first covid symptom, and two days after that, i tested positive. i wasn’t the only one, though. we hadn’t thought in depth about what would happen if we weren’t able to get the negative tests we needed to get home. we had to extend the trip to accommodate for the ten day isolation period and to also let enough time pass by that we could produce negative tests again. this meant having to relocate to a smaller airbnb where we’d stay for christmas. what ensued during this period of isolation was what you might expect from four ill, stir-crazy, homesick people who had to spend christmas in a place with one bedroom in it. i won’t go into detail about what exactly happened, though - that’s what the album is for.

the album is the aftermath. the impact of this trip was still fresh in my mind and on my body as i had flown home on december 29th with seemingly worse symptoms than i’d had when i was actually sick with the virus. a delayed reaction (and probably a result of not sleeping for 36 hours on the journey home) with my lungs has flared up my asthma at the worst it had ever been. i was basically bedridden for the two weeks following my arrival home. i was feeling a lot of things, too. i had so many regrets - things i hadn’t said or done while with the people i was convinced i’d probably never see again, things i had said or done that i felt i had no control over at the time while my brain was at mercy to sickness and discomfort, making the decision to go while knowing the risks and bringing everyone down with me.

EDIT: we were also drunk for a lot of the time. i think that’s worth mentioning.

now, almost two years later, i don’t regret anything. (well, maybe some things.)

1. Making Space

this one’s very blatant in its lyricism. we, or at least i, was going completely stir crazy in this airbnb that had one bedroom in it. i was hating myself pretty intensely both during and after all of this had happened. i was rejecting the affection of all of my friends.

2. The Art of Texting

the year preceding this trip hadn’t been easy. i found myself seeking comfort in my friends who were willing to let me completely lean on them, so long as i let them do the same with me. this resulted in some unhealthy codependency that, despite the implications, i still look back on somewhat positively. how do you convey your deepest feelings to someone when all you can do is text or call them? (miscommunicate).

3. Understand (All the Best)

i came home feeling like i was broken. i had strong feelings, but they felt like the wrong feelings, and i regretted not letting myself get fully comfortable around the only people i’d ever been comfortable with.

4. Dunes

i believe it was on boxing day that i had finally had enough of being indoors. a friend and i went on a long walk down a nearby beach, at night, where we shared airpods (until they died) and listened to music out of a phone speaker (until it died) while walking up and down and climbing some of the sand dunes that had formed. it was the most peaceful i felt the entire time i was there.

the image for the album art was taken on this walk.

5. Are We Alright?

mainly focused on the aftermath of this trip - i had a lot i needed to fix once i got home. guilt was not enough. i was unthinkably cold. i had to wear gloves in my room.

6. New Year

written about the year of 2021 as a whole, and what i went through with my friends. i used this song as a general outlet for my deep desire to repair a friendship that i’d fucked up. i think it helped.

7. Bad at Talking

every single friendship i had was in a state of disrepair after this trip. i wasn’t entirely sure what everyone thought of me after meeting me in person for the first time and then immediately seeing me at my worst.

8. Late Again

i was feeling inadequate as a long distance friend, and also inadequate to fulfil life’s basic expectations of me. i wish i remembered the exact intentions i had as i was writing this. but the stuff about missing my train and being thirty minutes late to class actually happened.

9. Twin Beds

on my last night in san francisco, my friend and i shared a twin hotel room. it was the first time in a week that i had my own bed to sleep on. he floated the idea of sharing a bed and i thought it was both funny and outrageous.

i flew home the next morning, but two of my friends were hit with an endless stream of complications. one had such extreme delays due to weather that he missed his layover and had to spend an extra night away from home. the other found out that canada’s covid policies were different to that of the us and uk. they had to spend an extra two weeks(?) in san francisco, by themselves. i felt bad about how relieved i was to be at home while they still had not made it. part of me, now, wished i had stayed.

10. All the Best / Goodnight

reading these lyrics back, i’m transported back into the toxic mindset i was stuck in for a while after i returned home. i was struggling with a lot of self hatred, for a whole plethora of reasons, and i spent a lot of time wishing nobody knew me or thought of me at all now that i was painfully aware that people knew me and were thinking of me.

i still write songs about this experience today. i need to stop, but honestly it somewhat shaped me into the person i am now, unlocking desires and urges i didn’t know i had.

#talking #keep it together #making space

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inkwolvesandcoffee · 2 years

Text

Ink & Rum Raisins (Alfie Solomons x Reader, Modern AU)

(Credits for the images in the moodboard go to their respective owners. The absolutely gnarly Anubis is by @/dugagau (IG))

Genre: Romance, Humour, Modern AU

Pairing: Tattoo Artist!Alfie Solomons x Dutch Fem!Reader

Word Count: 12.3K

Warnings: a lot of swearing, Alfie being a gentleman, size kink, unrequited crush/love/lust (or is it? Also, I’m sorry, but the reader, like me, has a thing for older men), allusion to smoking/vaping, allusion to past violence

Summary: Prequel to Mokum Part 1.

Alfie

There was once a little dove, yeah, who found herself in a shithole of a place called Birmingham. Little brave thing that she was, she flew over the wolves living in it, looking for the one she had business with. Now, this wolf, right, was already an older chap, greying and with a bloody bad leg. He was, no, is the King of Camden. Anyways, the little dove found him and the wolf and her agreed upon a contract, according to which he provided his services. He soon found himself rather charmed by her, perhaps because he reminded her of days gone or because she awakened something in him, a reminder of a fantasy he hadn’t dare to fancy in a long time. And that’s why he coaxed the little thing into a deal.

Because he’s a selfish, in her words, bastard.

Caught between vice and virtue, unsure which of the two she is.

Y/N

I had heard the stories about the eccentric Alfie Solomons, owner of King of Camden Ink in London. However, when he announced he’d fulfill a guestspot at Shelby Tattoo Company in Birmingham, there was no way I could pass up the rare opportunity to be tattooed by one of the biggest (though infamous) names in the industry and get myself one of his gnarly yet gorgeous pieces.

In hindsight, if I had to do anything differently, I would have picked any other spot on my body but my thigh, simply to save myself from transforming into a bumbling fool. However, I would happily relive the whole experience even though it was quite... turbulent, to say the least. And, I’ll be honest, Alfie’s a bit of a bastard. Nevertheless, I’d do it all over again.

I wonder if butterflies see the potential danger in roses. The thorns, I imagine, could rip their wings if they come too close. Fancy could be their downfall. Then again, they never live long, do they?

Author’s Note: Oh my days, it’s at last, the first segment in the behemoth this Alfie Solomons romance has become. This particular story started out as a one-shot, but gradually grew longer and longer up to the point I now have at least enough of a story to write a novella.

Bloody hell, anyways, I made the reader Dutch because I’ve never seen anyone do that before (mind, I’m willfully ignoring the Dutch fanfiction I’ve come across because it was... not good, and that’s putting it politely) and since I’m Dutch myself and this tale is based upon actual events and conversations, I thought, ‘‘Well, why the hell not?’’

Also, this is the first thing I’ve written and edited since my thesis, so if it sounds rather formal or even academic in places, it might be because of that. I’ve yet to get accustomed to writing fiction again.

But, without further ado, kick back, relax, and enjoy the story.

Monster Masterlist / TH Masterlist

Having jolts of electricity shooting throughout your body and making your hands a bit jittery while your stomach seems to tie itself into a permanent knot is only natural when something exciting is about to happen. And as long as there is coffee nearby, the nerves can be fairly contained. In my personal opinion, that is.

However, when getting tattooed it’s better to not drink coffee before the appointment and let your emotions run wild. Now, I can only confirm for the former it helps the tattooing process because you do not want to start bleeding more than might be the case in a non-caffeinated scenario. The latter, on the other hand, is perhaps worse than a caffeine overdose. What also does not help my current case is entrusting part of my body to a man, regardless of his talent.

Another unhelpful detail is that I am about to go to a shop where practically only men work. Although, if I’m lucky, the two resident female artists have an appointment today too. We don’t have to have a conversation, interact at all, but it would make the environment more pleasant if I’m not the sole feminine presence.

Then again, I suppose I brought this down on myself. When I saw that Alfie Solomons would have a guest spot at Shelby Tattoo Company, I knew I had to get an appointment somehow. A holiday to Birmingham and getting a tattoo by a brilliant artist? Two birds with one stone, count me in.

Alfie has become somewhat of a celebrity in the tattoo community thanks to his art, inspired by various religions around the globe, specifically focusing on its monsters, demons, and other animal symbolism. The designs are gnarly yet awe-inspiring, the blacks stark and each element easily discernible despite the dark ink. For this specific guest spot he noted he’d only do flash and wanna-dos. Fortunately for the both of us, I’m obsessed enough with ancient Egypt to dedicate a part of my skin to the god of its Underworld and the dead.

The skin of my right thigh, to be precise.

And that’s where the problem lies.

For my other tattoos, I went to a women-run tattoo studio because I’m more comfortable with having a woman tattoo me. That is, of course, not to say all male tattoo artists aren’t to be trusted, because there are genuine sweethearts out there, and that women can’t be predators or walking red flags themselves. I, myself, have simply heard one too many tales of a woman being mistreated by a male tattoo artist to entrust them with the intimacy that comes with getting a tattoo.

Quite a contradiction, innit, considering the fact I’m about to let Alfie, a bear of a man, tattoo my thigh? Let’s call it a leap of faith, spurred on by incredible talent no one else possesses.

A sacrifice of principles in the name of art.

Sounds rather poetic when I put it like that. Better than ‘I want new ink and that Anubis looks fucking awesome. I want it. I’m gonna get it. Don’t care if I’m gonna have to travel.’

Yes, a sacrifice for art. We’ll keep it at that.

The bus stops on Victoria Street, a small straightforward walk away from Shelby Tattoo Company in Small Heath. Red brick worker’s houses line the wide cobblestone street, the occasional old storefront among them hinting at what the edifice was used as in days past. Stone steps inlaid in a patch of grass lead up to the main street, an older couple descending them. The woman holds firmly onto her husband, her arm looped in his. He, in turn, clutches the railing for dear life. Nonetheless, it’s a sweet sight, an affirmation Love and Romance still exist.

‘‘The destination is on your right. Shelby Tattoo Company.’’

I turn off the navigation and tuck my phone into the back pocket of my jeans. For a second I remain unmoving, merely looking at the handle of the door.

Breathe in… breathe out. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be okay. Alright, let’s go!

The mental prep has done little to still the tremble in my fingers, but my racing mind becomes eerily clear when I push the front door open.

The single step across the threshold must have been noisy or his hearing is like a bat’s because my entrance rouses the bulking figure in the corner of the shop. He’s clad in a white shirt and jeans, his long brown hair tousled and haphazardly slicked back as best as possible.

The man spins around on his stool, the movement languid and wary. A brief silence settles in, a moment in which we look at each other quizzically. In fact, it might even be safe to say we’re trying to estimate each other, guessing at how much danger hangs in the air.

“Can I help you, miss?” he asks, a note of caution in his Cockney accent as he strokes his beard.

“I- I have an appointment. W- With Mr Solomons,” I stammer, feeling like a child caught red-handed trying to steal a cookie.

And that immediately shows how much of an actual threat I am

“Ah, Y/N! Shalom!” Alfie rises to his feet and swaggers over, precariously balancing his weight to hide his limp as best as possible. His broad shoulders block out the light as he comes to a halt, a polite distance between us. I tilt my head to look up, mentally cursing my genes for making me a head shorter than him and myself for the flutters of a butterfly storm in my stomach, caused by the height difference. “Welcome.”

He tilts his head and huffs, strangely amused. “I see you’re wearing new pants.”

“How- How’d you know they’re new?”

This is already getting sus. Maybe I should turn tail and run.

“I follow you on Instagram,” he says matter-of-fact and shrugs. “I saw you had a new Story, one about buying pants to get tattooed in.”

“You,” I point at him and then at me, still not registering his words, “follow me? On Instagram?”

“I do,” Alfie casually confirms. “If you don’t believe it, go see for yourself.”

He gestures for me to grab my phone. “Go on, check.”

My face pales when the follow button turns a light blue and states follow back.

Oh God, he’s seen my Stories. Seen my cat Stories. All the bullshit I posted.

Alfie leans in, the light providing extra definition to his toned arms, crossed firmly over his chest. “I don’t think you looked like shit. Those jeans look good on you.” The glee of being proven right melts into a curious pondering. “Boyfriend jeans, was it? Yeah… They look good on you.”

What does he mean by that? Is he flirting? Or is he being himself? I mean, I’ve heard he’s a bit eccentric, but what do I do?

Apparently nothing, because my feet are rooted to the spot, my mind erupted into pure chaos with not a single coherent thought thinking of walking out the door. So I remain where I am, still like a statue.

Until Alfie claps his hands. “Right! I won’t lie and say I’m not ecstatic about you picking the Anubis design.”

He turns around and walks to his station to grab something. After a quick search, he returns with two pieces of paper and his tablet. An expression like water has been poured over him to wake him from a dream passes over his face. A funny contrast with the warm gesture towards the worn leather sofa.“Where are my manners? Please, sit down. Tea? Coffee?”

“Ah, no, thanks. I’ve already had two cups of coffee and I don’t want to turn into a bouncy ball.”

“Water, then?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I printed the design in two sizes, the original and a smaller one. I think both will work fine, but I’ll leave the decision up to you. Also, I’d like my clients to fill in a form. It’s kind of a dossier, right, only accessible to me of course. It’s due to the new regulations on ink, you know how fond the authorities are of control and paperwork, and to document which ones I used in case you get a reaction. It’s also nice to know, in general, I have your consent to place the tattoo. All you need to do is put your signature on the line at the bottom.” He puts the pieces of paper on the coffee table and carefully hands the tablet and stylus over.

I look over the form, fill in the missing details, and sign the form. In the meanwhile, Alfie pours a glass of water, judging by the sound of an opening and closing fridge from a bottle rather than the tap.

“Piece of lemon?”

“Pardon?”

“Lemon? Would you like a slice in your water?’’ he patiently repeats, adding playfully, ‘‘It’s wonderfully refreshing.”

“My, what luxury!” I exclaim in a terrible imitation of a posh accent.

“I only want the best for my clients,” he says, though it’s unclear whether he’s serious or playing along. All the same, with a bit of a show, he grabs a cutting board, a knife, and a lemon from the net sitting in the corner of the counter. Sonorously, he hums along with the jazz song that plays over the speaker as he slices the fruit and adds two slices of it to the glass of water.

After washing his hands, he holds out the glass like a butler would. “Here you are, madam.”

“Thank you,” I say, cheeks warm. “Let’s trade. Here’s your tablet back.”

“What’s your email?” he asks after looking over the form. “I’ll send a copy to you. It’s always good to have a backup of important documents like this, innit?”

A brief flash of confusion passes over his face when I tell him the part of my email which contains my last name. Unable to suppress a giggle, I resort to spelling it out to not subject him any further to the difficulties of the Dutch language.

“Hold on, slow down.’’ He mumbles the letters to himself, the stylus making soft tick tick tick sounds. ‘‘Alright, carry on.’’

The last bit is evidently easier to keep up with. Everything noted, he turns the screen to me for a final check. ‘‘That correct?’’

I nod in confirmation

‘‘Alright. Now let me just… there. Sent.’’ The furrow in his brow smoothes out now the paperwork is done. Alfie puts the tablet on the coffee table, sits down and leans back in the chair across from me, thick fingers entwined. ‘‘So that’s how you pronounce your last name?”

‘‘Yep, but I do admit I anglicised it. In Dutch it sounds like this.’’ With a little mental effort, I temporarily suppress the innate tendency to use English. An effort well-spent since it earns me the joy of the look of utter befuddlement anyone who is not acquainted with my native tongue gets once they hear it.

“Okay, now, see, I did not expect such a last name after hearing you talk.”

I tilt my head, puzzled. “How’d you mean?”

“Your accent and last name don’t add up. Unless you’re married, but you’re not, are you?”

I shift in my seat, uncomfortable with the mention of marriage. “Where’d you think I’m from?”

“Either Dublin and Belfast, but now I’m leaning more towards the latter.” A mischievous though well-meaning grin tugs at the corners of his lips. “You have a tendency to go down with your intonation and your speech almost has a slight underlying growl like they have in the north. Do you have family there?”

“None. I have no ties to Ireland aside from my travels.”

“Do you mean Ireland as one country or do you make the distinction between the north and south?”

It’s the Republic and the north, but I’ll let it slide.

“Are you asking my opinion on the border?” I ask, a wary tone in my voice.

“I think I already have my answer.” Like a pleased cat, he entwines his fingers only to individually crack them a moment later. “Anyways, let’s not talk about politics. It’s all the same, toffs unable to agree on what they think is a matter of the common people like you and me but is essentially a bureaucratic quarrel that’s nothing to do with the public whatsoever. Sharks eat fish smaller than themselves to survive. Big fucks small always.”

He clears his throat and leans forward. “Have you decided yet?”

“Well…” I start, overwhelmed with thoughts of the various outcomes and permanency of the matter.

Before I can make an attempt at a proper answer, Alfie picks up on my indecisiveness. “If you want, you can try both. We’ll tape both sizes to your leg and you can tell me which size you prefer.”

“Sounds good,’’ I say, letting out a small sigh of relief. ‘‘First, though, let me put my shorts on. Where’s the restroom?”

He points to somewhere behind me. “Behind the door with the chrysanthemums.”

I stand up, grab the pants from my backpack, and slip into the restroom. It only takes a minute or two to change, but nevertheless I find myself unable to go back out into the studio right away.

I bought these especially for today. Shit, he saw that Story too, didn’t he? And what if other men walk in, be it clients or tattoo artists? What will their first thought be?

A gentle knock on the door violently jolts me back into reality. On the other side, a familiar baritone voice calls out, concern evident in the simple question. “Y/N, you alright?”

“Yeah,” I answer, opening the door a crack and slipping through it, “I’m fine.”

Alfie takes me in, gaze unwavering and expression unreadable. His body also shows no hints eluding to his train of thought. The peculiar investigation ends with a low hum.

What was that? Does- Can he read me like an open book? Is that what he just did?

Without knowing whether he did and hesitant to ask, I let the matter rest.

We move over to the large mirror covering the wall nearby his station. The tattoo artist makes a brief detour to his station to put on a pair of black latex gloves before sauntering over to kneel down. For a second I wonder what it would be like to cup his cheek, how his beard would feel against my palm as I’d turn his face to make him look up at me.

Part of the fantasy comes true, because he lifts his head. “May I?”

More than a second passes before I register what he means. Then I notice his hands a few centimetres from my thigh, ready to place the first design, the one with the original size. Instead of an answer, too afraid of what might come out of my mouth, I swallow and nod.

With precision, he sticks the piece of paper to my skin, smoothing it out to display its full potential. Smiling proudly, showing his slightly crooked teeth, Alfie rises to his feet and puts his hands on his hips. “What do you think? We could also mirror the design, but that would make Anubis face your…” he vaguely gestures, struggling to find the words that are polite enough. Evidently, he can’t find them, settling for “you know.”

I model the design, twisting my leg this way and that, all the while trying to ignore Alfie standing with his arms crossed in the background. However, there is only so long I can close him out so eventually I search for and meet his eyes via the mirror, furiously trying to hide my nerves under only a half-feigned expression of exhilaration. “Let’s do it.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want to try the other size?”

I turn around, forcing myself to maintain his gaze. “I’m a fairly small person, so I think the size is just right.”

“No mirroring?”

“Nah, let’s keep it classy.”

The low chuckle rising from the depths of his throat ignites a pleasant warmth that spreads throughout my body. “If the lady says so. I’ll get everything ready, so sit back with a snack or, if you want, there’s plenty of time to go outside for a smoke.”

“I don’t smoke, so I’ll go with the former,” I say as I plop down on the worn leather couch.

“That’s likely the better option of the two. Nicotine and tobacco are vices, ones I’m only too guilty of indulging in. Although, I’ve recently switched to vaping. Less stank, less laundry, better for the environment and clients.”

“I don’t mind the smell of cigarettes too much, but I do admit I prefer the smoke of vaping above that of regular smoking. Sometimes it smells quite good, actually. Kinda sweet.”

“Depends on the cartridge. See, like whiskey, yeah, the flavour is dependent on the environment, the way it is brewed. I prefer rum myself, though.”

“I’ve never tried it.”

Alfie turns away from the printer busily cranking out the stencil. “You never had rum?”

I shake my head. “I generally don’t drink, but if I do, I tend to stick to my favourites. Licor quarenta y très, amaretto, limoncello, Guinness, whiskey.”

“Irish or Scottish?”

“Generally Irish.”

“Of bloody course,” he chuckles. “My family has a rum distillery, based near London, but we sell the stuff throughout the country in shops run by family members, of course. There’s one in Birmingham, so if you tell them I sent you, I’ll make sure there’s a bottle ready for you. Free of charge, of course, because it’s the least I can do to save you from that sin.”

“The sin of not knowing the taste of rum?”

“Exactly! When are you leaving England?”

“Tomorrow. And, unfortunately, I only have hand luggage, so there is no way I could take the bottle with me.”

“Hm, that’s too short notice…”

“We can make good on this later? I mean, this isn’t the last time I’ll be in England.” I cross and uncross my legs, feeling rather self-conscious. “Or we could meet at a convention? I don’t know whether you’ll be attending one in Holland any time soon, but-’’

“I’ll be attending the Amsterdam Tattoo Festival in September,” he interrupts me, fortunately saving me from having to finish a sentence I don’t know how to continue. “We could meet then, if you’d like? Or are you planning to go to the London Tattoo Show?”

“Unfortunately, I have to skip that one since I don’t think my bank account will allow it. Especially considering I’m planning to quit my job soon and do some travelling around Scotland and Northern Ireland for about a month, which won’t be cheap.” He mumbles something under his breath in response, the words bleeding into each other to form an incoherent mess. However, the disagreeing tone is a hint that he disapproves of something, whatever it might be. “But I’m planning to go to Amsterdam too, so, could we- we could-’’

Stop being such a coward. Just ask already, for God’s sake!

“I’d like that,” Alfie cuts in as if he’s read my mind. Stencil in hand, he turns back to me, his features soft. “Gives me plenty of time to make good on my promise.”

We return to his station, a polite distance between us. Alfie sits down on the stool and grabs a disposable razor, which he puts down again with a hint of slight surprise after inspecting my leg. “Already shaven, eh?”

I run a hand through my hair while my stomach quivers. “Yeah. I thought it would be polite. Also, I can’t stand my legs being hairy. My arms neither.”

“I wish more people had that mentality. Then again, humans tend to be selfish creatures,’’ he grumbles while pulling on a new pair of gloves.

“Are there really that many clients who don’t shave?”

“More than you think, darling, but it makes me all the more appreciative of clients like you.”

The ‘darling’ means nothing. Stop being a fucking idiot and don’t get your hopes up. He literally just confirmed you’re just a customer, a source of income.

“Right, before we start, would you like to use numbing cream? We could also use nutmeg oil, if you’d like.”

“Nutmeg oil?”

“It’s completely vegan and helps relieve the pain,’’ Alfie explains. ‘‘It has quite a strong scent, though, so I hope you’re not faint of heart. Or, rather, have a sensitive nose.”

For a moment, I contemplate the options, weighing past experiences against each other. Thus far, line work has never been a problem and blackwork hasn’t been either. “D’you know what? Let’s go without.”

“Tough as nails,” he says with a hint of awe and appreciation. “You’re full of surprises, in’t ya?”

“Am I?”

“So far, yes. A young Dutch woman with a misleading Irish accent wants a gnarly scowling Anubis on her thigh whereas her other tattoos are colourful and less gnarly. One can only speculate regarding her story.” He grabs a big pot with the image of a geisha and red lettering on it, unscrews the lid, and scoops out a dollop of the stuff within to put on the side of his gloved hand. “This is Dragon’s Blood. It helps calm the skin and closes pores. It can be used as aftercare too.”

He screws the lid on again and puts the pot back in place. “May I?”

I stare at him blankly. “What do you mean?”

“May I touch your thigh and prep the skin?” he clarifies, his slightly crooked teeth showing.

“Oh, right, right! Yes, of course,” I answer, stumbling over the words and barely refraining from breaking out into a ramble.

Alfie picks up some of the balm with his fingers and leans in to work it into the skin. At first he tries to do it without support, but quickly finds himself struggling a bit. “Is it okay if I place my hand on the back of your thigh?” he asks, looking up with sincere greyish blue eyes. “It’s easier to work it in if there’s a bit of resistance and support.”

Wow, he has really pretty eyes. But then again, even a rose has thorns.

“Y- Yeah, sure.”

“Are you agreeing because you want to or because you’re feeling intimidated?”

The question catches me off-guard, its thoughtfulness rendering me speechless.

“Y/N,” Alfie sighs, “I have no ill intentions. I’m a man of honour, one who believes a woman should be treated with the utmost respect. So let me ask you again and I want you to look me in the eye, yeah, as you give me an honest answer. Is it okay if I place my hand on the back of your thigh?”

“Yes,” I answer, steady. “Yes, it is.”

He grunts in acknowledgment before placing the palm of his other hand on my skin too.

Though light in touch, the supporting grip nevertheless feels sturdy and the warmth seeping through the latex of his gloves secure. I can vaguely hear myself hum at the thought of holding his hand as we walk through Amsterdam in summer, the temperature still high enough to feel hot and clammy but with the unmistakable first signs of autumn setting in. Halfway through the month, it will become colder, especially at night if you keep the windows open. Then, to have a grip like that on your body, your skin warmed by the friction as the whiskers of a coarse yet soft beard worship it, and a baritone voice in your ear that occasionally falters with pleasure…

The sensation of cold liquid on my skin snaps me out of my reverie. I snap my head down to see where it comes from, only to discover I apparently zoned out and Alfie has cracked on to the stencil stuff.

“Try to relax your leg,” he gently coaxes while trying to apply the stencil.

I take a deep breath and do as he says, forcing my muscles to lose their tension. Although it doesn’t feel like I’m loosening up, I’m apparently doing something right enough to earn myself an oddly prideful whispered “attagirl”. Fortunately, Alfie is blissfully unaware of the fact I heard him and the storm of butterflies the compliment unleashes in my stomach. Nor does he seem to catch on to how badly the pressure of his hands, finally having found the right placement, makes my mind short circuit.

“Go take a look in the mirror,” he says after meticulously peeling the stencil off.

Even the mere outline of the Egyptian god of death looks menacing. Anubis bares his fangs as sharp as daggers, viciously snarling at the viewer. ‘‘Don’t come near me. Don’t even dare to speak to me lest you want me to feed your heart to Ammit’’ he seems to warn.

It’s absolutely, drop-dead gorgeous.

‘‘Let’s do it!’’ A skip in my step, I walk back to the massage table, which Alfie has covered with an electric blanket. It has heated to a pleasant temperature, not too low yet not high enough to break out into a sweat. Perhaps the best way to describe it is to say it makes you feel all warm and toasty.

‘‘Well, if the lady truly is ready, then who am I to deny her ink any longer?’’ Alfie says, barely able to suppress his amusement. Nevertheless, it shows in the theatrical attitude in which he continues. ‘‘Before we begin, my lady, may this old chap indeed have the ‘onour of tattooing you?’’

‘‘Yes, indeed you may, mister Solomons.’’

‘‘Marvellous.’’

The bell by the door tinkles as a long-faced, clean shaven young man, in his early to mid-twenties, walks into the studio. His casual step gives away he’s one of the resident artists, lost in thought as he hangs his jacket next to mine on the coat rack. He throws the hood of his black hoodie back to reveal muzzled short brown hair the colour of milk chocolate and runs his hand through it, tousling the locks even further.

“Why are you so early?” Alfie throws a look over his shoulder at the newcomer.

The question seems to catch the other man off-guard, the pensive expression on his boyish face fading into surprise. “I have an appointment, half sleeve, Japanese style. It’s going to be a koi pond.”

“Right,” Alfie scoffs. “I hate koi fish. Can’t stand drawing them, right, because it’s always the same composition, the same old story.”

“Is that really your reason?” the other asks as he approaches and comes to a halt a step away from where I’m lying. A whiff of fresh cologne hits my nose, mixed with the indescribable smell of rain.

“Nah, mate. I don’t really have a ‘reason’. Simply hate the fuckers. I prefer things that have a bit more life to them, a higher intellect that prevents them from smacking their lips like eternal gluttons. Gluttony is a sin, you know.” Alfie perks up as if he’s remembered something and shifts his attention back to me. “Right, this here is Michael, a show-off.”

So that’s Michael Gray. Strange, I thought he’d be older and more… tough, rough-looking, instead of a lad I could easily cross paths with at the bookshop. In fact, wait, didn’t I see him at Waterstones yesterday?

“Just because you don’t do Japanese-’’ Michael starts, but Alfie cuts him off.

“And a bloody pacifist.”

“I saw your work on Instagram.” To delay or, rather, hopefully stop a fight from breaking out between the two, I speak up before the two can continue catfighting. “It’s really cool. I’ve started warming up to the Japanese style because of your designs.”

Cheeks flushed, he rubs the back of his neck. “Thank you. You know, if you ever have an idea, send it my way.”

Alfie rolls his eyes, which earns him a venomous glare from Michael. “This is how you hold a proper conversation instead of being a cunt.”

“You see, the problem, right, is that so many people have said I am a cunt I don’t fucking care. Because they were all hypocrites, yeah. So, Michael, who’s the real one here, eh?”

My gaze flits from one man to the other while I tense up, ready to jump off the table and run for the hills if the situation worsens. And it’s likely it will because each man seems more than ready to lash out at the other.

Although I don’t think he’ll notice, I shake my head at Michael. Among the two, he is the most approachable and likely to listen at the minute, so I mentally cross my heart and pray he notices my silent plea to stop fighting. Although it’s Alfie who started it, I wager Michael is mature enough to walk away. At least for now. Afterwards, both men are free to tear each other to pieces.

Fortunately, he sees me. Lips pulled into a straight line, Michael skulks off to his own station, glowering.

Thank God.

I take a couple of deep breaths to calm my racing heartbeat. That was a close call, too close.

“Bad blood?” I ask, trying to sound nonchalant. ‘‘I don’t mean to pry.’’

“Ah, the boy’s just cross ‘cause Tommy and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. Chap adores him. A little too much, if you ask me, but someone’s got to be the good little soldier, right?” Alfie checks the set-up once more to ensure everything is in place. Now that the threat of imminent conflict has proven false, he, too, relaxes. The tenseness in his muscles fades, his body loosening up. His shoulders lower and he unclenches his jaw, releasing the strain on it.

The last remnant of sharp biting sarcasm has evaporated when he turns back to me, gloved hands in his lap. “Comfy?”

“Incredibly so. I could curl up and take a snooze.”

“That would make my job easier.” He picks up the wireless tattoo machine from the tray, eyes still trained on me, watching out for any withdrawal of consent. “May I?”

I nod, allowing him to touch and stretch the skin. “Okay, let’s first do a line, yeah, to see how it feels. Ready?”

“Yep.” Sheepishly, I give him a thumbs-up.

Alfie shakes his head, chuckles and murmurs something under his breath before he sets to work.

Every time you get new ink you tend to think you can still remember the feeling of being tattooed and instantly adjust. However, the opposite is true, at least for me. At first, it’s an unpleasant nagging sensation like someone is dragging a sharp-edged though blunt object to and fro over your skin. This only lasts for a few seconds and then gradually fades to an oddly therapeutic feeling that is near impossible to describe. Yes, I’m being poked by multiple needles constantly yet it doesn’t hurt. I wouldn’t say it’s enlightening, but it is calmingly enough to stop the on-going flow of various thoughts which consist of everything at the same time. Tattooing brings order in the chaos and is the best therapy out there.

“How’s that?” Alfie asks.

“Good. Well, I mean, it’s like my cat has its claws in my thigh and by this time, I’m used to that.” I let out a sheepish giggle, only to mentally slap myself in the face for being awkward.

“What’s its name?”

“I have two, actually. One is called Saul and the other Solomon. Not really names you’d expect for a cat, but they’re big.” I try to indicate the size of them with my hands, my heart skipping a beat as he takes a second to pay attention. “Big lads.”

“Solomon was a prophet according to the Talmud, a man of great wisdom and power. Now, Saul was the first king of Israel. Great man, too, who knew that he who lives by the sword, dies by it. I suppose Anubis knew this too, weighing hearts and deciding who gets to go on a boat trip to the underworld or eaten alive. Well, as alive as a spirit can be.”

“Unfortunately, the boys haven’t a sliver of wisdom between them, unless it concerns the knowledge of being charming enough to earn themselves a treat. However, they’re bloody powerful if the need to cuddle strikes. They’ll literally attempt to take me hostage, regardless of what I’m doing at that very moment. But on a different note, it sounds like you know a lot about religion.”

“I tried theology in university, but that didn’t get me far. Doesn’t help I had a couple fights with some Italian kids, Catholics, who saw themselves above a Jew. The last one that saw me kicked out was perhaps my most brutal.” For a second he seems to continue the story, but thinks better of it at the last minute. Instead, a low grunt rises from his throat. “Yeah, definitely the most brutal, that one was.”

Though he tries to move past the topic, I’m not quite ready to let it go. Being a curious cat isn’t particularly a good thing to be when it comes to people because it can go both ways once they realise you’re after a piece of their story. Nevertheless, my curiosity is peaked and therefore I can't help myself. “I’m glad the fights in the classroom remained at heated debates. But, um, and I don’t mean to pry, but how did that fight go? The final one, I mean.”

If I don’t get an answer, it’s fine. I won’t push. Nevertheless, I eagerly hold out hope to get the story out of the enigmatic mister Solomons.

Alfie.

Don’t blush! Take a sip of water, cool down. My God, is even his name now getting me hot under the collar?

He pauses and sits up. A tentative smile builds on his lips as his brows furrow.

“Only if you want to, of course.”

“Do you really wanna know? Ladies should be spared the violence of the world.” The lines in his face deepen, the expression changing to a frowning grimace.

“It can’t get any worse than Jack the Ripper.” He blinks a few times, letting my comment sink in. In the meanwhile, I bite my lip, desperate to find a way to redeem myself. “What? Am I weird for being intrigued by the case? I am, aren’t I? You know what, don’t mind me. Guess I’m being rather silly.”

“No, you’re not. I’m simply surprised the little lady harbours a fascination with the obscene,” he answers, his tone devoid of any form of judgement.

“Don’t get a lot of those clients?”

“None who admit it outright.”

“Well, here I am.”

“So you are.” His eyes are fully focused as he gazes at me, which does about as little to lower my racing pulse as the comment that follows. “I wonder what else goes on in that head of yours.”

“It’s chaos, to be honest. I don’t think you actually wanna know. Anyways, the fight.”

“Right,” he murmurs, his eyes still trained on me and trying to imagine what goes on in my head. Needles cleaned and dipped in ink again, he returns to work and tells the story. “I once carried out my own personal form of stigmata on an Italian. I pushed his face up against a trench and shoved a six-inch nail up his fucking-’’ the snarl on his lips vanishes as he throws me an apologetic look. “Sorry, I shouldn’t swear in the company of a lady.”

“I don’t mind. You’re literally saying this to someone who has the mouth of a sailor.”

The remark is a small comfort to him. Alfie visibly relaxes, his posture loses most of its tension and his jaw slackens. “Right, I shoved a six-inch nail up his nose and I hammered it ‘ome with a duckboard.” The corners of his mouth curl into a sly grin. “It was fucking biblical.”

“Fucking hell, yeah, okay, now I’m really glad I only have had to deal with debates. Jesus.” I shake my head, caught between believing the story and finding it too far-fetched. “Why, though?”

“He had it coming. Little fucker was harassing girls of the nearby Jewish community. They mightn’t been part of mine, but it’s never right to mistreat a woman. So, one day, I caught him doing it again and made sure he’d be a wiser man for it.”

“Did you get caught?”

“I got arrested for ‘grievous bodily harm’, but didn’t go to jail considering I was still a young chap. And, to be honest, from a well-connected family.”

“How old were you?”

“Eighteen.”

“Dang.”

“I’m not as violent as I used to be. It’s all behind me now,” he blurts out, pausing again while the words rush to fill a non-existent gap between us. “No more fights, gangs, or firms. Starting tattooing was me turning a new leaf.”

I don’t know what to say, unable to think of anything appropriate while also trying to figure out his intentions. So I merely stare at him, blankly.

His eyes flit from me to the ink pots and back to me, likely feeling equally as awkward.

Neither of us initiates further conversation, me partially because I’m starting to doze off. That is, until Alfie stops and throws me a look. “I’m almost done with the linework. You’re still okay?”

“Yeah, no pain at all,” I say, a slight taper in my voice and half asleep. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good,” he replies, a little unsteady as well. “Let’s finish it and ‘ave a little break, yeah?”

“Sounds good to me.”

“It’s good to have something to occupy yourself with outside work.” Alfie saunters over to where I’m sitting on the worn leather couch and puts a plate on the coffee table. On it, golden brown raisin buns are stacked in a charming little heap. “Want one?”

“Wait, you made these?” I put my phone away, conscious to neither cross my legs or rest my arms on my thighs as I lean in. My friends will have to wait a little longer on a tattoo update.

“I did,’’ he says, sitting down where he sat earlier today. ‘‘Learned the baking trade from me mum who learned it from her mother, my babushka.”

“You have Russian heritage?”

“I do. My mother fled to England during the Holocaust. My old man was running a distillery and was willing to take her in. In a sense, they saved each other. She got him off the drink… for a time, and kept the books. He taught her English and gave her a ‘ome.” He leans back in his chair, fingers entwined. “Yeah, funny that, how such horror can bring souls together.’’

“Did they survive the war? Like, no interference from the Nazis or fascists?” I stiffen when it hits me how intrusive the question is. Badly concealing my panic, I hastily add. ‘‘You don’t- You’ve already told me so much, so, uhm, you- you don’t have to tell me anything else.’’

“They did,” he nods sagely, ignoring my anxious outburst. “Though I’m glad they don’t have to deal with current affairs.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nah, don’t be. They’ve been dead for a while, died in their sleep, two months between them. Regardless of the war and England’s policy towards anyone that isn’t one of them, they’ve lived a good life. It was simply their time to go.” He rests his elbows on his knees and leans forward. “What about you?”

“How’d you mean?”

“How’s your family?”

“Not particularly close. I try to avoid father’s side of the family at all costs because they’re these posh- toffs, I think you call them in English. Though, that’s more my father’s sister. His brother is an alcoholic and divorcee with a midlife crisis that’s bigger than my father’s. On mother’s side of the family, I’m only close with my aunt and grandpa. With my mum I try to connect at times, but it’s more like friendly co-existence.”

“Any siblings?”

“A younger sister. Not particularly close with her either.” I shake my head and take a sip of water. “But I don’t mind. I’ve learned how to be a lone wolf and accepted being one. Working, studying, and travelling help with that too. They’re likely the only things preventing me from going insane.”

“Insanity is a gift only given to few. The greatest minds were lonely even in company, the greatest visionaries those that had seen the world by themselves.” Our eyes lock, the strange but tender sentiment in his adding to the sweet comfort of his conclusion. “I think we’re both mad.”

Alfie nods to the plate with buns. “The raisins have been soaked in rum, family recipe. Try one.”

“Are they poisoned, Solomons?” Michael remarks across the room. Judging by the venom in his tone, he hasn’t moved past the conflict earlier.

They’re really gonna cut each other once I’ve left, aren’t they?

“Unlike you, kid, I actually provide service. People have bonded over food for centuries and God gave me the brilliant idea, yeah, to make these buns to share.”

“You never share food. Not with me, at least.”

“That’s because I don’t want a bond of any sort with you, mate.“ He picks up the plate and holds it out to me. “But I’ll always be glad to share with a peer.’’

“Thank you,” I say, though I can’t prevent myself from saying his name, “Alfie.”

Smiling brightly, he leans back in his chair. “My pleasure. But what is it that kills the time for you?”

“Believe it or not, but I sew,” I say while nibbling on the sweet bun.

“An affinity with needles, eh?”

Unable to suppress it, I give into the uncharacteristic urge to giggle. “You could put it like that, yeah.”

“It’s rather broad, though, ‘sewing’, innit? What am I to envision?”

“I make plushies, really bloody adorable ones.” I grab my phone and look up a picture of my latest project: a whale shark made with white, very fuzzy teddy and Delft Blue-printed cotton. “Don’t tell me that isn’t cute.”

I turn the screen to Alfie. The eager confidence doesn’t last because the tingle travelling through my chest, which seems to be weighed down by a heavy stone, ends in a chill down my spine. With bated breath, I nevertheless wait for a sign of his approval.

What the fuck am I doing? He’s a grown man. What would he care for a stuffed animal?

An ache starts at the back of my throat at the thought that follows.

I did post that picture on an Insta Story. Did he see it, though? What if he did? No, he did, didn’t he? I’m repeating myself. Why am I repeating myself? He’s had enough of a look.

However, as I make to put my phone away again, Alfie speaks up. “It’s well-made, especially for an early attempt at the craft. You can see it’s made with passion.”

Fuck, he definitely saw my sewing shenanigans on Insta.

“You already saw that picture, didn’t you?” I respond, mildly sarcastic regardless of his kindness.

“Well, we already established we follow each other and I like to get to know my clients as best as possible. So, yeah… yeah, I did.”

Gaze averted to the floor, I shut the screen off and continue to stare at my shoes, feeling like a stupid lovesick teenager.

“But it’s indeed adorable. You’ve got a knack for the trade.” His features soften when I raise my head, though there’s a hint of mischief in the raised eyebrow. “You’re no seamstress, though. Or are you?”

“If you want, I could mend your clothes,” I blurt out, the words spilling forth before I can give them a second thought. “Oh Lord, I- I didn’t mean- I’m so sorry, I should’ve-’’

Alfie’s hearty laugh cuts through my poor attempt to try and justify my idiotic bravery. “Fucking ‘ell. I had a feeling you’re not the type to beat around the bush, but that was more forward than I thought you’d be.”

“Please ignore what I said.” I stuff the last of the bun into my mouth, lest it should blabber any more nonsense, and wave a dismissive hand.

Only to nearly choke at his response.

“Why? I like it, this honesty. Now, see, Tommy, yeah, he likes to beat around the bush and it’s absolutely doing my nut in. I’ve told him before I’ll shoot him if he doesn’t hurry up and quit his little games. Man really needs to learn how to directly make his point, saves both parties involved a lot of trouble. But not you.” His tone turns pensive, the words clear yet strange. “Curious, that. How a little dove flies over the wolves.”

I remain quiet, because no reaction I come up with seems adequate to respond to his reverie. So we let an oddly comfortable silence settle in, lined with the addicting sweetness of rum raisins.

“These are really bloody good,” I say after a while, pointing at the plate on the coffee table. ‘‘We have buns like this back home too. We call them ‘krentenbollen’, which would roughly translate to ‘currant buns’.’’

‘‘Say that again.’’

‘‘What, ‘krentebollen’?’’ Evidently I hit the nail on its head, judging by Alfie struggling to imitate my pronunciation, silently mouthing the syllables. “Kren.”

“Kren.”

“No, no, ‘ren’. A pronounced, not rolled ‘r’ and short and sharp ‘e’. Like in ‘cigarette’, the final ‘e’ sound. Kren.”

“Kren,” he echoes.

“Ten. ‘En’ is pronounced with a schwa.”

“Ten.”

“Bol. With a clear ‘l’.”

“Bol.”

“Len. Again, a clear ‘l’ and a schwa.”

“Len.’’ Having been given an example of how to pronounce each syllable, Alfie tries out the word again, brow furrowed in concentration. ‘‘Kren. Ten. Bol. Len.”

A warm fuzzy feeling spreads throughout my body while watching him sincerely make an effort to mimic the Dutch sounds despite the struggle it proves to be. However, I do have to give him credit for his attempt because, despite his slightly wonky pronunciation, it’s better than some others I’ve heard.

‘‘Kren- Krentenbollen.’’

“‘Ey, there ya go!” I clap my hands, smiling in satisfaction. ‘‘That was really good!’’

“Dutch is a funny language. Very strange and harsh.”

“Apparently, it’s the scientifically proven hardest language to learn. I’ll be honest, even the Dutch sometimes don’t know how to speak it. The grammar is whack too, sometimes. Doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe you can teach me some more next time we meet.” His eyes go from the buns to me, beaming. “I’ll bring you some more krentenbollen.”

‘‘Nah, these are better. In fact, I think I prefer these. Much more exclusive, an English delicacy.’’

Can I get any more lame? What kind of comment was that?

“Help yourself, but be quick about it because we need to get back to work. You’ve been sitting like a rock and I don’t want your adrenaline to run out just yet.”

“I’ll leave it for later then.”

He rises from his seat, throwing an imposing shadow over me as his shoulders block the light. “Before we resume, do you want anything? You still got enough water?”

“I’m good to go, though I wouldn’t say no to another glass.”

“One round of Solomons Lemon Water, coming right up.”

As before, Alfie puts care into the simple act of cutting a lemon and adding a slice of it to plain water. And with the grace of a gentleman, he holds it out to me. “A glass of water for the little lady. It’s on the house.”

Whilst the comment is in jest, a funny thought sets my cheeks ablaze. “Th- Thanks.”

What the fuck was that stutter? By Jaysus, pull yourself together! He’s only joking, playing around. It means nothing. Nothing! Besides, he likely has a wife, good-looking and charming as he is.

Glass in hand, I follow Alfie back to the table and clamber back onto the cosy electric blanket while he completes the last preparations to continue the session.

“Comfy?” he asks once I’ve settled in.

“Extremely.”

“Good.” He restarts his tablet, the screen lighting up with Anubis’s snarling face. A new pair of gloves on, he grabs the black pot with red lettering and scoops up a blob of Dragon’s Blood with his pinky before he sets it back in place.

“May I?” Alfie asks, hands a few centimetres from my skin.

I nod, giving him the permission to resume working.

Except, he doesn’t.

He pushes his stool back slightly and purses his lips. “Y/N, I need you to relax, yeah. Tense muscles aren’t particularly tattoo friendly. If I start working now, it’s like tattooing a stone and needles, right, don’t do well with hard surfaces.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, inhaling and exhaling deeply in hopes of unravelling the tightness in my chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. What’s on your mind? Something funny?”

“Ah, it’s fine. No worries.”

Don’t mind me. I’m being silly, interpreting things the wrong way. Besides, I’m likely half your age. Unsuitable, undesirable for a man like you.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” My breath tapers, which I hope he doesn’t pick up on. Then again, Alfie has proven to be a very perceptive man thus far. Nonetheless, a girl can hope. ‘‘I’m okay.’’

Please believe that. At least this once.

He lets out a low displeased grunt, blueish grey eyes dark with lingering worry. “If you say so.” He averts his gaze to the unfinished snarling Anubis, the sternness in his voice blurring into resignation. “Can I?”

I hum in response, giving him the sign he still has my consent.

And to keep up appearances a little longer.

Because when you’re crushing hard on someone you can’t have, it’s okay not to be okay.

It’s not unusual for other tattoo artists to pop by their colleagues to see what they’re working on. Normally I wouldn’t mind it, proud to be a canvas for someone else’s art. Nonetheless, this time, I wish it was someone else other than the resident Japanese style artist sauntering over. Anyone would do.

Tommy, who came in around two to do a touch-up.

Finn, who’s the youngest in the team and does geometric designs.

Even Arthur, who Alfie immediately sent away when he felt me tense, genuinely afraid of Cerberus personified, would be better.

Unfortunately, it’s Michael, which means the two might break out into a fight soon. It’s only a matter of time.

“Wow, that looks gnarly.” Maintaining a polite distance, Michael leans in to inspect the fearsome god of the afterlife.

“Oi, don’t you have your own client to look after?” Alfie asks, the first ripples of irritation already noticeable in his voice.

“She’s too busy taking pictures and whatever else she’s doing on her phone.” Michael points over his shoulder at his client and shrugs. I turn my head, doubting how bad the girl’s company can be. She is indeed absorbed in her phone, posing like most girls on Instagram and making all the familiar facial expressions. To keep things polite, let’s say that a tattoo isn’t what she came here for.

I scoff. ‘‘I see she’s one of those.’’

‘‘That’s one way to put it,’’ Michael sighs, but his expression brightens as he changes the topic. “What made you get Anubis?”

“Give the lady some space, treacle. You’re not yet drooling over her like some lovesick puppy. We’re trying to create a bloody masterpiece here, right, and art, yeah, art needs effort, focus, and attention.” A grimace treks over Alfie’s face, foreboding like a black cloud forms the prelude to a storm. “None of which I can muster with you around, mate. So off you go.” He waves a dismissive hand. “Go on, fuck off.”

“The fuck’s your problem, Alfie?” Michael raises his voice.

Oh Lord, here we go.

“My problem?” Fortunately, Alfie turns the machine off and puts it to the side because getting tattooed amidst a fight is the last thing you’d want. Unless you’re a lunatic. “My problem right now, mate, is that I have a massive disturbance in my work environment which prevents me from providing Y/N with splendid service and proper care.”

“‘Proper care?’” the other man echoes, raising an eyebrow. “Now that’s an awfully ambiguous statement, even for you. Proper care… Is that why you didn’t go on your usual vape break?”

“Don’t twist my words, kid. It should be an honour for a tattoo artist that someone is willing to wear their art on their skin. Y/N is doing me that honour so of course I wanna treat her right.”

“Alfie Solomons, the King of Camden,’’ Michael sneers. ‘‘The Jewish gentleman from Margate.”

“It’s never a bad idea to be a gentleman, kid. Hasn’t your mother taught you how to treat women properly? Then again,” a mean gleam lights up stormy grey eyes, “she did abandon you, didn’t she?”

Michael is positively fuming by now, looking red in the face and fists shaking with an eagerness to throw the first punch.

“Lads! That’s enough!” I bark, propping myself up on my elbows. “Alfie, that’s a fucking low blow and you know it.”

“How do you know it is?”

Is he fucking serious?

“Look at him!” Lips pulled back into a snarl not unlike Anubis’s, I point at Michael. “Obviously that fucking hurt.”

“So the little dove flew down, still not afraid. Although, her wings waver ever so slightly, don’t they?”

I gaze blankly at Alfie, puzzled by the comment, but quickly return to raging. “Shouldn’t you apologise or something? Or is that something men don’t do to each other?”

“Y/N,” I hear Michael mumble next to me, a tone of surprise in his voice.

“Fucking apologise or I’m out, tattoo finished or not.” I look him up and down, barely able to suppress the urge to spit in his face. “I thought I booked a professional, not some… some fucking bastard.”

“I’m a bastard?” he scoffs.

“People who attack others by using their personal lives? Yeah, that’s one of the definitions of ‘bastard’ for me.”

Both men are quiet, startled by my interference. They exchange glances, neither of them helping the other with their confusion. However, Alfie tries to solve his by making an effort to make amends. For the time being, that is.

“Right,” he begins, struggling to sound genuine. “My sincerest apologies, kid.”

“A little more honest,” I grumble.

“I shouldn’t have brought up your mother, kid. Clearly it’s still an open wound and you don’t need salt in it.”

Wouldn’t have phrased it that way, but whatever, it’s Alfie Solomons.

I shift my attention to Michael. “Please accept his apology, at least for now. I don’t want any more fights during my therapy session. You can rip each other to shreds after I’m gone, okay?”

A careful smile tugs on the corners of Michael’s lips. “Then I will, if only to not completely ruin your ink therapy. Seriously, though, Alfie’s not the only one who should apologise. So, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for my behaviour. A client should never be put in the crossfire of a dispute which doesn’t concern them. Can you accept mine?”

“Afraid of me ripping you to shreds?”

“Uhm, maybe?’’ He rubs the back of his neck, cheeks rosy. ‘‘You do get kinda fearsome when you get angry.”

“The thick Irish accent doesn’t help, either,” Alfie chimes in. “If someone’s accent deepens, especially if it’s Irish, you better run.”

“How can you possibly be afraid of me? I’m a head shorter than you. I think you can easily have me.” I search Alfie’s expression for signs he’s lying yet end up empty-handed. The second thereafter, however, a surge of heat spreads through my body as the possible implications of my comment run through my mind. Unconsciously, I rub my wrists while trying to get comfortable again on the rather hot blanket. Or does it merely feel like that because I’m a mess? “Take me on, I mean. Have me is… ehm… It’d be easy to overpower, no, ehm, win? Win against me!”

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Michael says, hardly containing his amusement. Then he turns around and returns to his station. Along the way, he stops to explain the situation to the girl, who miraculously has managed to put her phone away for a second and show worry like a normal human being.

“I really need to learn to shut the fuck up,” I groan as I lie down again, a bit calmer. “Please forget everything I said.”

“Including your tantrum?” Alfie asks, a lopsided smirk on his lips.

“Just remember the apology part. Maybe the bastard one too.”

“If the lady so wishes.” His hands hover over my thigh, the machine still turned off in his left. “Can I?”

I nod, unwavering in my willingness to give him my consent. Perhaps others would have left, but I choose to remain because of the shallow reason he’s at least good to me.

Even if he’s not for me.

Funny thing, innit, Love?

A silence broken up by the whirring of needles settles in. The only other noise in the studio comes from the Bluetooth speaker, continuously playing jazz tunes. It’s the first time to hear the music genre in a tattoo studio since everywhere I’ve been before they seem to prefer hard rock and soft metal. I wonder whether it has contributed to their reputation as ‘the gentlemen of the Birmingham tattoo industry’ or it is simply because the oldest of the Shelbys are at work today.

“Y/N?” Alfie wipes off the excess ink and dips his needle in one of the little pots besides him.

“Hm?” I turn my head to face him.

“I’m sorry.” Though lacklustre compared to the apology to Michael, the words are sombre with pure remorse and don’t need reiterating.

“No more fighting, alright?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Hey, by the way, what did he mean with you skipping your Vape-’’

“Tell me more about your cats,” Alfie suddenly demands, tone harsh and his gaze not straying from his project.

“Wha-’’

“Your cats,’’ he repeats, losing his temper. ‘‘Tell me about them.”

What’s gotten into him? Did I do something?

“Uhm, well,” I haphazardly begin, unsure what to tell him. “They are absolute cuddle bugs. They’ll literally go to any length to make me stop whatever I’m doing and give them attention.”

Don’t panic. Don’t cry. Be brave, just like before. He won’t hurt me… I hope.

Alfie closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh, forcing himself to calm down. “Men are jealous creatures, especially when a woman is involved.’’

“Was that also the case with the Italian?”

“No, that was a matter of common decency.”

“The situation just now?”

He lets out a sonorous noncommittal sound, holding the middle between a disagreeing grunt and acknowledging hum. There is no way to know for sure nor is there a chance to ask because he changes the topic, clearly wanting to let the matter rest. “You’re still doing fine?”

“Is there a chance I can get another glass of Solomons Lemon Water?” I ask carefully, the hairs on the back of my neck still raised.

Alfie looks up, eyes warm and a soft smile forming beneath his bushy whiskers. “Always, darling.”

Amidst a storm of butterflies is a prematurely broken heart.

The remainder of the session remains calm, the conversations between us few. In fact, the only time he speaks up is to comment on how astounding it is I’m like a rock whereas people getting tattooed in the same spot might be having a hell of a tougher time. I merely shrug in response and blame it on my high pain tolerance.

Strange, how much more one can bear physically than mentally.

Although the fight earlier hasn’t affected the amiability between us, we both unanimously agree to settle for the comfortable silence we seem to create together. Occasionally, he sonorously hums along to a song when not glancing up to look for any signs of discomfort. Each time, I give him a drowsy lazy smile, still as tranquil as the minute before.

“Alright,” Alfie turns off the machine and claps his hands. “You’ve got Anubis looking over you from now on.”

I let out an involuntary yawn, quickly clasping my hand over my mouth to hide. “I’m so sorry. I was literally on the verge of taking a nap.”

“That’s better than fainting,” he chuckles.

“Does that happen a lot?”

“More than you think, darling.” A piece of paper towel in one hand and a blob of foam in the other, Alfie patiently waits for me to give him the green light.

Which I, again for the same vain reason, do. However, this time it’s bittersweet because it means it’s almost time to go, to let the long moment of pure relaxation and fun come to an end.

To say goodbye to yet another man I find myself fascinated by despite better judgement.

His touch is light as he applies the foam on the tattooed skin, his movement slow as he wipes it off with the paper towel.

“Now that’s gnarly, innit?” Alfie beams while disposing of the used towel and his gloves.

“It is,” I agree, bending my leg to get a proper look at the piece. “And I fucking love it.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” He gets up, walks around the table to my right side and holds out his hand. “Can we take a picture for Instagram? If the lady wants to, of course.”

“Of course, Mr Solomons.” He grows still, unmoving like a statue, while an indecipherable expression flashes over his face. I swallow hard, but my mouth remains dry. “Did- Did I say something wrong?”

He clears his throat. “No, not at all. Forgive this old soul. You get tired faster with age.”

“You still look fairly young to me.” I place my hand in his big open palm, the skin rough and calloused. His warm thick fingers easily envelop mine.

Stop dreaming.

“Just wait until you’re in your forties.”

“Hey, I’m twenty-three and already complaining about my back. My colleague and I wager we’ll be needing a walker by the time we’re thirty.”

Alfie lets out a hearty laugh. “Fucking ‘ell, lets hope not.”

We come to a halt in front of a brick wall, surrounded by tall lights. “Now, you stand there, in front of it, and I’ll make sure we get pictures nice enough to put in a frame.”

I lean against the cold bricks as he takes care of the set-up, shooing Finn and Michael out of the way and throwing a warning glance at Arthur even though he’s sitting with his back to us, immersed in designing. The only one allowed to come close is Tommy, whose beautiful icy blue eyes meet mine.

Awkwardly, I shift my weight from one leg to the other only to right myself and clasp my hands behind my back. It does nothing to help escape his scrutinising gaze. If anything, it has only worsened how self-conscious I feel.

What kind of stance is this? Fuck, I’m wearing shorts.

“That’s a nice piece of art, Alfie.” I try my best to resist the urge to flinch as the studio’s owner approaches to admire the piece up close, crouching down a polite distance away from me.

“Yeah, it is, innit?” Alfie agrees, switching on the lights. “Now, if you don’t mind, you’re in the shot, mate.”

Without another word, Tommy gets to his feet and throws me one last pondering look before setting off to his station.

In the meanwhile, Alfie has lumbered over and crouched down in front of the lights, phone in hand. “Ready?”

“Yep.”

He takes a few shots, gives out a few instructions, and beckons me over to check them afterwards. Slowly he flicks through the images, his thumb slowly swiping over the screen. Had it been any other person, I would have paid attention and helped with deciding which picture looks the best regardless of minor differences. However, the musky scent of oud wood mixed with dark vanilla and the proximity of his large warm body, makes it hard to concentrate on anything but the man next to me.

“… one?”

“Hm? Sorry, what?” As if woken up out of a dream, I blink and look quizzically at the man next to me.

“I asked which photo you think is best,” Alfie calmly explains.

“Oh, uhm, well, the first one? I think that one was already good. Fine. You know what I mean.”

He’s in his forties, maybe twice your age. There’s no chance whatsoever. Don’t be such a bumbling idiot and pull yourself together.

“I’ll send them all to you later so you can look through them again.’’

“You really don’t have to-’’ I begin to protest, but find myself cut off by his determination.

“It’s no trouble. We created a bloody masterpiece, didn’t we?” Alfie’s face lights up. “So I’ll let you do the honours of picking the best representation of what we’ve accomplished.”

“Th- Thank you.”

Our eyes meet for a moment, a few seconds in which he takes me in for a reason I can’t fathom. Nor do I get a chance to think about what it might be since he quickly moves back to the topic of business. “Let’s wrap up your leg, eh?”

We return to his station, where he cuts off two pieces of Second Skin. He carefully layers them onto the tattoo after being granted his silent request for permission to touch me. An image of him grabbing my thigh and placing it over his hip while we’re in the sheets flashes by when he applies pressure to ensure the derma foil properly sticks to the skin.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Gods damn it, what the hell’s wrong with ye?

“Y/N, you alright? You’re looking rather red in the face, darling.”

“Yeah!’’ I blurt out, sounding annoying and loud to my own ears. ‘‘Yeah, I’m fine. Let me, ahm, let me just put my pants back on and we’ll- I’ll- yeah… be right back.”

I hasten to the sofa, grab my jeans out of my backpack and rush into the restroom. Carefully, I wriggle out of my shorts and into the loose-fitting jeans, only to recall his comment about the fit.

Was he imagining me wearing one of his jeans? Nah, he’s a professional, he wouldn’t do that.

My vivid imagination, on the other hand, thinks it’s perfectly fine to conjure up yet another intimate image of Alfie’s defined inked arms firmly wrapped around me, a slow but proud smile on his lips, nose buried in the crook of my neck, and me indeed wearing his jeans.

Snap. Out. Of it!

The mirage fades like sand blown away by the wind. I take a few deep breaths to ground myself and step back into the studio.

Alfie’s sitting in the chair opposite the sofa. As soon as I step out of the restroom, he turns in his seat, eyes futilely searching for mine. It surely isn’t the first time it’s happened he’s had a client fawning over him, considering his looks. Nonetheless, I refuse to acknowledge nor allow myself to show him how he affects me. So, still avoiding his gaze, I plop down across from him on the sofa, tuck the shorts back into my bag and fish out my wallet.

Fully focused on the notes in it, I lean in. “So, how much do I owe you?”

As a response, thick fingers firmly wrap around my wrist. I flinch at the contact, caught between surprise and alarm since he hasn’t touched me today without asking. Certainly not as forcefully as now.

A fact he acknowledges when he explains himself, retracting his hand. “I know I haven’t asked permission, but I wanted you to look at me and ask if you’re alright. You were in there for a bit.”

“I’m okay, Alfie.”

“Something tells me you’re not, darling.” He tilts his head, brows furrowed whilst he strokes his beard. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“I don’t think it’s appropriate. This topic, at least.”

Especially since I’ve only known you for a day.

“You don’t have to if you don’t fancy it.” The deep sigh he lets out through his nose, however, betrays his disappointment.

“I’d rather not tell. But don’t worry, I’m fine. Not sick or anything. My mind’s just… I guess you could say I was gone with the fairies for a bit.”

“Fortunately, they didn’t whisk you away entirely. I don’t fancy myself a man capable of going to the Otherworld.” Although he tries to be humorous, his smile is wistful. “Doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t try.”

“It’s difficult to come back, once you’ve set foot in Tír na nÓg. Anyways, let’s crack on. What do I owe you again?”

‘‘You don’t have to pay me.’’

‘‘You’re pulling my leg.’’ His expression doesn’t change, remaining warm yet stoic. ‘‘You’re serious?’’

‘‘I am. See it as compensation for having to deal with a hot-headed bastard.’’

‘‘Thank you, but this isn’t right. Like it or not, but I’ll still pay you.’’

“Despite the fight?”

“Despite the fight. So, how much?”

He names his price and I count out the notes. ‘‘Wait, that’s not…’’

‘‘Let me give you a discount if you don’t accept a full restitution.’’

‘‘Alright, fine,’’ I sigh, knowing protest will be futile, and continue to count. “Oh, and here’s another twenty. For the splendid service and, well,” I let out a shy giggle, “proper care.”

He hums and leans forward to collect the money. “In that case, thank you very much, my fair lady.”

My fair lady… my… his.

Though my mind is a million miles away, the rest of my body stiffens in reaction to the pet name. He notices, a note of concern in his question. “Was that too much?”

I wave a frantic dismissive hand. “No! No, not at all. Don’t mind me.”

It’ll pass, this feeling. Butterflies never live long.

Rubbing his lower lip, he mumbles something under his breath. The only words I can make out are “flustered” and “cute”, which doesn’t help with my mood whatsoever.

Neither does the mischief underlining his normally polite suggestion. “Want another round of Solomons Lemon Water before you go?”

“I’m good. Yeah, I’m- I- I should go.”

I get up and prepare to leave. Alfie rises to his feet too, falling into pace as we move towards the door. On the way, I grab my jacket off of the coat rack, putting my arm through one sleeve, but clumsily grabbing into nothing in an effort to put my other arm through the other sleeve.

A struggle quickly ended by two sturdy palms which help me ease into it. “There you go.”

“Thanks.” I turn away towards the door, ready to go before I make an even greater fool of myself. Then again, my feet won’t move, refusing to budge the slightest inch. “Such a gentleman, aren’t you?”

“A Jewish gentleman from Margate,” he merrily quips. But the amusement doesn’t last, fading into an indecipherable expression which seems equally as hesitant to end things here alongside something hidden. “Normally, yeah, I meet up with clients for pictures once the tattoo is healed. So let’s make it a date. Appointment,” he quickly corrects himself as a grimace flashes over his face. “An appointment, yeah, right, make an appointment when your leg has healed.”

“I think it will have to be by the time you come to Amsterdam.”

His brow furrows and he purses his lips, displeased. “I don’t think the convention will provide good pictures. The lighting isn’t that great and there’s all these people walking around.’’ The deep lines in his forehead smoothen out, a devilish smile gradually forming. ‘‘But I’ve booked an extended stay so, considering I’m not familiar with the city, we could meet up and you show me around? Unless you think you won’t be able to handle two days with a bastard like me.”

Don’t squeal. Stay calm. Don’t mess up at the last second. Calm and collected.

And unusually bold, apparently. Without wavering, I make a suggestion of my own. “Will you show me around Margate if and when I’m in England again?”

He chuckles. “Fucking ‘ell, negotiating, are we? I thought Tommy was the only one fond of that.” He scrunches his nose as someone else comes to mind. “And that numpty.”

“Hey, be nice. Michael’s a good guy.”

Alfie grumbles something under his breath, not shy to let on he’s annoyed by me siding with his colleague. Then, like he did before, he forces himself to repress the dangerous mixture of irritation and anger bubbling inside. “Tell you what, yeah, you show up in Amsterdam with your leg properly taken care of and I’ll show you around Margate. I’ll even pick you up from the airport.”

“It seems we have a deal,” I extend my hand, “Mr Solomons.”

Instead of a handshake, his warm big palm envelops my fingers and he lifts them to his lips. His beard feels ticklish against my skin, the whiskers rough yet oddly soft at the same time. “So we do, Miss L/N.”

Alfie holds the door open, plush lips curled into a knowing smile, and I step out onto the street.

A king’s promise in my pocket.

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