Crossing Your Path
Peter meets a certain feline-themed burglar much earlier than canon and everything changes.
Peter was focused as he adjusted the strap on his shoulder bag. The last time he forgot to check that, it almost ended in his library books in the dumpster. Seeing as Harry was in Europe with his dad (which sounded amazing until the fact that's it's with Norman hit) and Gwen was off at science camp (which he could no longer afford to go to after the funeral expenses were paid), Peter needed all the forms of entertainment he could get. Specifically, cheap entertainment.
Thankfully, since it was summer, Aunt May didn't protest him going out all the time. She seemed to think it was good for both of them to find things to keep their minds off of. . .current events. Peter shook his head and stepped onto the ledge as the wind ruffled his t-shirt and jeans. If this wasn't in the evening, he wouldn't be taking this risk but his costume needed the wash. He had been using it so much it may as well start web-slinging on it's own. Not that he'd be doing that without his costume. Too risky even for him. A little light parkour from building to building should release some of the endless energy that the spider bite gave him.
He felt the air brush his face as he leapt off the side of one building and flipped gracefully to the next one. Building after building, his adrenaline began to pump as his mind entered a state of focused zen. As Peter landed on the next roof, he heard. . .clapping?
A low, but feminine voice rang out, "Well, someone is certainly light on their feet."
Peter whirled around to find. . .whoa. A very attractive girl was watching him with interested green eyes. She looked to be around his age, maybe a bit older, and with hair so blond it was white.
"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" She asked, regarding him with an amused look.
Realizing how rude it was to keep staring at someone, no matter their looks, Peter answered, "Ah, sorry! I just. . .didn't expect someone to be up here. Rooftops don't seem to be the 'in' place to be right now for most people."
She hummed at that, "Too true. But who says that most people know how to have fun? That is why you're up here, right? To have fun?"
"Uh, yeah, pretty much. All my close friends from school are out of town right now. One's in Europe and the other is in a science camp upstate. The only one that I think is still here in the city just graduated and is busy with college prep," he said, feeling a little more at ease.
The girl wrinkled her nose at that, "Ooof. So, you're roughing it alone for the entire summer from the sound of it. Sounds like dullsville to me. No wonder you're out here hopping rooftops. How long have you been doing this?"
"Since about May-June timeframe," he answered truthfully.
She raised her eyebrows disbelievingly, "Of this year? Get out. You must be spending ages up here to move like that already."
Peter nervously laughed, "Yeah, well, like I said, I've been stir-crazy all summer."
"Hmm. I do know a surefire way to alleviate boredom," she said stepping into his personal space, "Wanna hear it?"
He gulped, "Uhhhh, I'm guessing it's not Monopoly, is it?"
The girl laughed a little and shook her head, "A race, silly. See that building over there?"
He looked towards a distant flat-topped roof.
She smirked, "Winner picks the food and the loser buys. Sound fair?"
Peter's heart leapt a little. Was she asking him out? No, this is probably just a friendly outing since they just met. Either way, his stomach was already aching just at the mere thought of food due to his heightened metabolism. A determined grin began to work itself across his face.
"You're on! Hey-"
"You snooze, you lose!"
His new rival was already leaping onto the next building and Peter had to let out a small burst of speed to catch up. No need to overdo it yet.
Whoever she was, she was definitely in shape. Everything on the rooftops were avoided or leveraged with ease. Peter could win this, but he had to be careful not to look unnatural. Since she got a headstart, he can't look too good just yet. He already slipped up with being overly truthful once.
An idea came to him.
Peter removed the bag that was still around his shoulders as he finally allowed himself to make it to her position. He had to be careful to time this right or else risk the possibility of her tripping off of the roof. That'd be real responsible.
He slid the bag towards her feet as she began to reach the middle of the roof and watched as she tripped with a slight yelp. She glared as Peter ran past her and jumped onto the building being used as a finish line.
He turned towards her and grinned, "So, I'm game for either pizza or Chinese. That sound good to you?"
She huffed, obviously a little annoyed, "You really do learn fast, don't you?"
"Well, you do know how to push a guy past his limits. Seriously, though, that was fun. The most fun I've had in ages. Really."
He held out a hand towards her and sheepishly rubbed his neck.
"Sorry if you got hurt by my move earlier. Since we didn't bother introductions earlier, I'm Peter. What's your name?"
The girl arched a brow but eventually shook the hand offered.
". . .Felicia. And I don't suppose you'll decide to pay for the food this time anyways to make up for it?"
Peter smiled apologetically, "Oh, I'll be sure to do that next time. See, I kinda don't have money on me right now. Didn't think I'd need any up here."
"Wonderful," Felicia sighed though her glare lessened a little, "Well, Peter, it just so happens you're in luck. I happen to have quite a bit of cash on me right now. Enough for two and then some. But don't think you're getting out of a rematch of our race. Same place, same time next week."
"Yes, ma'am," Peter saluted her playfully, "Private Peter will arrive as scheduled."
She snorted as they began to make their way to ground level, "Anyone ever tell you how corny you are?"
Somehow, it didn't sound as biting as it could have been. That was a first.
"All the time."
(It was only after Peter was halfway home that night that he remembered that his bag was still back on that roof.)
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The 13th Annual(??) L.A.O.K. Awards
The Lazy Sack-of-Shit Award
Me
For, in the second time in the history of the awards, posting this list after the completion of the following awards year. Wow, the first two-time winner of the Lazy Sack-of-Shit Award. This is so unexpected, I uh- I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: tardiness, is not something you can do all on your own. I'd like to thank my two-year-old daughter Rosie, for needing and deserving constant attention, a brain disorder called adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and the engineers at Reddit, Instagram, and YouTube for creating systems of crippling dopamine feedback loops, without which, I might never be tardy.
Now I know you've all been opening this site every morning and hitting refresh to see when these would finally be posted, so without further ado...
The most dangerous thing about the Layokies…is that you may grow to love them too much. [This is a reference to Avatar: The Way of Water. Remember that movie? It grossed $684 million domestically.] The people (3) have spoken, and the Layokies, even if massively delayed, must go on. [At the time of writing this, I was a month or two behind, but then instead of finishing and posting it, I just…didn’t. But here we are a year later, and I do want to post my 2023 Layokies (also massively delayed), but it seems weird to do that without first posting the 2022 Layokies, so hey let’s blaze through this thing and you can find out what I thought about some movies from over two years ago.]
I love celebrating movies, so it’s kind of a bummer to me that this year felt like Dullsville, U.S.A. But I’ve said that previously, then reread years later and thought, ‘what was I thinking, these movies were great!’ So here’s to the perspective you get when time passes. What’s that called? Retrospecticus or something.
I’ll also note that, as listed in last year’s post [a.k.a. two-years-ago’s post], I had a baby, which, as predicted, severely limited my in-theater viewing. I also moved to Pasadena, which meant those films I did see in the theater were relegated to the AMC Santa Anita. You know my thoughts about AMCs (and pretty much all megaplex chains), but even AMC Century City has the big IMAX seats. AMC Santa Anita’s IMAX is in just like, a normal theater?? I just saw The Super Mario Bros. Movie in this exact theater and it was SO. QUIET. But that’s a Layokies for another year [which is actually this year. Also this has since been remedied, and now they have one with the big seats and all, and I recently saw Dune: Part Two there, and it looked and sounded great so woohoo.]
Narrative Film
Everything Everywhere All at Once
TÁR
Thirteen Lives
Top Gun: Maverick
Women Talking
Boy this is a real bummer. FOUR out of my five favorite movies were nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, and maybe that’s why I never posted this edition of the Layokies. What fun is talking about movies without also being contrarian? Typically there’ll be some movie I see in the middle of the summer that wows me, which absolutely no one else cares about, talks about, or even watches. That movie never came, because Everything Everywhere All at Once was already being talked about as one of the best movies of all time a week into its release, so much so that it felt like you were some weird guzmo if you gave it 3.5 stars on Letterboxed instead of 5, where it currently sits as the 25th highest-rated narrative film of all time [but actually currently at #103; whoops just checked again: #118]. I was more in the latter camp, and we all know the rest. Even the “irrelevant” Academy agreed. Okay then, let’s look to my second-favorite movie of the year, a drama about women who sit around debating in a barn for 90 minutes. Ah, that’s more like it, who would want to watch that? Except…another Best Picture nomination. This is really annoying! You have to scroll all the way down– [and here my commentary from early 2023 broke off. Scroll all the way down for what?! We shall never know. While I had slotted everything in for awards, all prose after this point was composed on or after February 3, 2024, so I’ll do my best to remember.]
And the Layokie goes to…
Everything Everywhere All at Once
“EEAAO” as they call it, was truly a great film, and it was cool and weird to see it garner such recognition. The last time my own pick won Best Picture was 12 Years a Slave, which of course it did. The momentum behind this one, however, I still can’t understand. Looking back, it still feels like it should have been normie repellant. I can only guess that the efforts made by the Academy in the decade-long wake of #OscarsSoWhite is actually changing the demographics as intended, not just for race, but age and all other types of diversity.
Honorable Mentions
Avatar: The Way of Water
Bones and All
The Menu
Pearl
The Whale
Documentary Film
Bitterbrush
Cow
Claydream
A House Made of Splinters
Navalny
You might have heard of A House Made of Splinters (which is devastating btw—the only other movie to put me in literal racking sobs beside Benjamin Button [and wouldn’tcha know they’re both about child abandonment?]) and Navalny from their Oscar nominations (and Navalny’s win)[RIP], but the other three on my list weren’t even shortlisted, and they were all incredible. Bitterbrush follows two cowgirls as they work the sprawling ranges of the American West and wax poetic on a number of subjects. Its incredible vistas are paired with an amazing classical score and soundtrack. Claydream is the story of how the animator behind classic works like the California Raisins eventually had his studio hostilely taken over by Phil Knight’s son (which if you don’t know who that is and what the studio became, is very worth not spoiling). I’m an animation fan, but this was still a gripping story of a generally unknown American master which is both worth your time, and worthy of a Moneyball-style narrative adaptation. Lastly Cow…well let’s just say if you enjoyed Gunda, give this one a watch you sick bastard.
And the Layokie goes to…
Bitterbrush
Naturally, the best doc of the year wasn’t even shortlisted. A trend we may see continue in 2023…? However, you can watch Bitterbrush now on Hulu, and I suggest you do.
Honorable Mentions
All That Breathes
Bad Axe
Children of the Mist
Nothing Lasts Forever
The Territory
Actress
Mia Goth - Pearl
Cate Blanchette - TÁR
Michelle Yeoh - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Aubrey Plaza - Emily the Criminal
Leslie Manville - Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris
Okay this would have been a pretty cool category at the time, highlighting unsung performances by Mia Goth, Aubrey Plaza, and Leslie Manville. Here are three movies worth seeking out just for their leads (Okay, you probably won’t miss anything not seeing Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris, but for Pearl and Emily the Criminal, I sincerely mean this. Aubrey Plaza has serious chops.) And if you’re not a horror fan, please know that Pearl is so much more, and you’ll miss absolutely nothing by not watching X first (or at all [unless you are a Kid Cudi stan like me]).
And the Layokie goes to…
Cate Blanchette - TÁR
Another tossup, but the Layokie way seems to be, when in doubt, give it to Cate Blanchette. Unlike one dear reader, I’ve only seen TÁR once, but perhaps because the character is so commanding and desperate for attention, so is the performance.
Honorable Mentions
Viola Davis - The Woman King
Carey Mulligan - She Said
Tilda Swinton - Three Thousand Years of Longing
Actor
Tom Cruise - Top Gun: Maverick
Brendan Fraser - The Whale
Idris Elba - Three Thousand Years of Longing
Park Hae-il - Decision to Leave
Ralph Fiennes - The Menu
And the Layokie goes to…
Brendan Fraser - The Whale
Let me tell ya, the people were maaad that Austin Butler didn’t win best actor for Elvis last year. For whatever reason, members of the public call and email the Academy every year to provide their opinions on who and what should and shouldn’t have won (I got a call six months into 2020 to tell me how shameful it was that Parasite won Best Picture, not because it was a bad movie, but because there were so many American movies worthy of attention. I asked her if she had seen Parasite. She hadn’t.), but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen such a strong reaction to someone not winning more than Austin Butler. But the Academy got it right, in my opinion. Brendan Fraser played this role with simultaneous sadness and pathos and optimism. It was really remarkable. Typically, the strong performances I’m drawn to, and which generally receive recognition, project outwards. Brendan Fraser’s character in The Whale, perhaps appropriately, seems instead to draw everyone and everything else into himself.
Honorable Mentions
Ram Charan - RRR
Felix Kammerer - All Quiet on the Western Front
Viggo Mortensen - Thirteen Lives (because why the hell not)
Supporting Actor
Colin Farrell - The Batman
Barry Keoghan - The Banshees of Inisherin
Mark Rylance - Bones and All
Ke Huy Quan - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Miles Teller - Top Gun: Maverick
And the Layokie goes to…
Colin Farrell - The Batman
Colin Farrell is showing up a lot in this edition of the Layokies, but nothing was more impressive than his complete transformation into the Penguin. I watched this a couple times, and if I was into conspiracy theories, I still might not believe it was him. Also shoutout to one of my boys, now three-time Layokie-nominee Barry Keoghan. Where y’all been? We done been hyping Barry Keoghan over here since 2017.
Honorable Mentions
Christopher Abbot - On the Count of Three
Christian Bale - Thor: Love and Thunder
Paul Dano - The Batman (Did you know he had to pull out of The Power of the Dog for this role? Ouch.)
Paul Dano - The Fabelmans
Colin Farrell - Thirteen Lives
Nicholas Hoult - The Menu
Aaron Taylor Johnson - Bullet Train
Ben Whishaw - Women Talking
Supporting Actress
Nicole Beharie - Breaking
Angela Basset - Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (thought this before everyone else said it)
Jessie Buckley - Women Talking
Claire Foy - Women Talking
Hong Chau - The Menu
Another actor getting nominated for the wrong role, Hong Chau was hilarious in The Menu. I watched that once and still think of her line delivery every time I eat a “tortilla.” But it was basically the whole cast of Women Talking that stole it this year, and this could have gone to anyone one them. (Three years too early for that casting Oscar!)
And the Layokie goes to…
Jessie Buckley - Women Talking
Honorable Mention
Dolly De Leon - Triangle of Sadness
Stephanie Hsu - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Rooney Mara - Women Talking
Best Director
Edward Berger - All Quiet on the Western Front
Daniels - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Todd Field - TÁR
Ron Howard - Thirteen Lives
Joseph Kosinski - Top Gun: Maverick
And the Layokie goes to…
Joseph Kosinski - Top Gun: Maverick
Absolutely incredible that both this and Spiderhead were directed by the same person. If you have no idea what Spiderhead is, it’s a Netflix movie that came out the same year about a guy who goes to an island prison where they test potions on you and Chris Hemsworth is the head potion-making guy and also he’s evil, which is supposed to be a big reveal but is obvious from the beginning. Anyway it was super forgettable and got dumped to the recesses of the algorithm in about a week, while Top Gun: Maverick is indelible and single-handedly saved movies after the pandemic. The second time I watched this, I paid attention to all the little things: driving shots, dialogue shots. It hits such a sweet spot between invisible and obvious style. No big surprise, however, as Tron: Legacy and Oblivion are also supremely well-directed action movies.
Honorable Mentions
Park Chan-wook - Decision to Leave
Ruben Östlund - Triangle of Sadness
Maria Schrader - She Said
Ti West - Pearl
Original Screenplay
Park Chan-wook & Chung Seo-kyung - Decision to Leave
Daniels - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Seth Reiss & Will Tracy - The Menu
Todd Field - TÁR
Ruben Östlund - Triangle of Sadness
And the Layokie goes to…
Daniels - Everything Everywhere All at Once
Pretty sure these guys went to the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon school of screenwriting, as this movie has everything: action, sci-fi, romance, about four different levels of family drama, and plays on all our deepest emotions: acceptance, ambition, self-worth, existentialism.
Honorable Mentions
John Patton Ford - Emily the Criminal
William Nicholson & Don MacPherson - Thirteen Lives
Adapted Screenplay
Samuel D. Hunter - The Whale
David Kajganich - Bones and All
Rebecca Lenkiewicz - She Said
Sarah Polley - Women Talking
Ti West & Mia Goth - Pearl
I don’t know why, but after listening to the audiobooks for She Said and Catch and Kill, I wholly expected She Said to come in and ham it up big time. But where lesser filmmakers would have attempted to erect a monument to the #metoo movement, She Said played it totally straight. It was more akin to Spotlight than any other film I could think of, and as worthy of praise. It’s too bad the subject matter was already 1,000 times bigger than the movie, because I think the film audience missed out on a real gem here.
And the Layokie goes to…
Sarah Polley - Women Talking
That said, there’s another movie about women talking I liked even better, Women Talking. I’m still stunned this was nominated for Best Picture. In what world? It’s currently on Prime, so if you haven’t seen it, add it to your list. It’s also the perfect companion to any movie that receives my wife’s most common film criticism: “It was just a bunch of men talking.” (Think: any war movie.)
Honorable Mentions
Like five different guys - Top Gun: Maverick
Now onto the fun stuff:
The Something Award
Prey
The Nothing Award
Amsterdam
Worst ADR in the History of Movies
Hustle
Okay I can’t find this clip online, but it is so egregious, I think it’s worth the effort. Go on Netflix and start watching Hustle starring Adam Sandler at the 17:00 mark. Note how echoey the office is, then give it until Ben Foster’s line “You find me that missing piece, and you’ll be right back on the bench coaching.” I’ve watched this clip probably 25 times, and I absolutely love it. For me, it’s impossible not to picture him in a little sound booth reading that line with headphones on.
Now I’m guessing if any of you did go and watch this, you might be thinking, yeah okay, so what? And already knowing what’s coming and watching it in this manner, maybe it is a so what. But to watch as many movies as I do, and to have heard as much bad ADR as one would, and then to have Ben Foster reach out and smack you in the face with this poorly done a line of ADR…ah, it’s like a holy grail of lazy/rushed/bad filmmaking. It’s like up there with the Batman & Robin reverse shot. Let’s just say it was probably some studio executive’s fault.
Weeird Doubles
Burning down rural Irish houses - The Banshees of Inisherin, The Wonder
Doing donkeys dirty (oh baby a triple!) - EO, Triangle of Sadness, The Banshees of Inisherin
Boring documentaries slowly zooming in on a few pixels - Three Minutes: A Lengthening, Riotsville, U.S.A.
Fatties who just gotta stuff their face with candy - The Whale, Piggy
Best Song
Naatu Naatu (of course) - RRR
Take it from someone who literally Naatu Naatu’d so hard that he fell over (but was Naatu Naatu-ing as a joke, but falling over wasn’t part of the joke, even though that’s exactly what happened the movie).
Also, The Whale Rap from Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers. (You can take this one from someone who as a kid did many freestyle raps with friends on the Windows sound recorder, and this is about how it usually went.)
The Michelle Williams Loves Getting Divorced Award
The Fabelmans
I love Michelle Williams and I wish her and her characters all the best, but why is she always divorcing good men who love her?? Don’t make the vow then!
Previous examples include Take This Waltz and Blue Valentine (okay “good” might be a stretch on the latter, and I actually remember thinking they would get back together at the end anyway, though I will not be watching it again since that seems not to be how every other single person read that movie).
Finally Got the Thor Movie Poster Right
Thor: Love and Thunder
Best Scenes
After Yang - Opening credits
Barbarian - Calculating the square footage
The Batman - The car chase
Bitterbrush - Saddling the horse
Bones and All - Maren visits her mom
Children of the Mist - The final kidnapping
Everything Everywhere All at Once - Rocks with subtitles
Navalny - The phone interview
Nope - Aliens in the stables
Pearl - Pearl’s dinner confession
Top Gun: Maverick - Boy you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a fantastic scene in this one, but if I had to pick one…no, literally sitting here thinking, and I can’t decide. All so damn good. Buzzing the security checkpoint; Great Balls of Fire; any time Jon Hamm yells or gives a stank face; Maverick/Iceman reunion; dogfight football; Maverick doing the solo training run; the actual climactic run; and the hug at the end.
Triangle of Sadness - The food poisoning (a sequence really)
RRR - Naatu Naatu (again, undeniable)
Here’s where I usually link to the A.V. Club’s annual list of best scenes. Sadly, they stopped producing it starting the 2022 awards year.
The 3rd Annual Oklahoma Connections Award
Pretty sure one of the girls in Bitterbrush moves to Oklahoma at the end of it or something. Otherwise not a banner year for Oklahoma mentions, except…
The 2nd Annual Shawnee Honors
Two years, two shoutsout for my hometown of Shawnee, OK:
2022 - Babylon: Brad Pitt gets told off for pretending to be Italian when he is actually from Shawnee. (And Brad Pitt actually was born in Shawnee. YouTubers doing the Lord’s work.)
2021 - Stillwater: Matt Damon did some work down in Shawnee (mispronounced Shawny instead of Shaw-NEE; shameful, Matt!)
Good in Everything Award
Colin Farrell - After Yang, The Banshees of Inisherin, The Batman, Thirteen Lives
Tilda Swinton - Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio, The Eternal Daughter, Three Thousand Years of Longing
Destigmatizing Fatness Award
The Whale (in some ways but also mostly not)
Three Thousand Years of Longing (in some ways but also mostly not)
Piggy (in some ways but also really mostly not)
Worst Movies
Mad God
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
Lightyear
Luck
Deep Water
White Noise
Hocus Pocus 2
Halloween Ends
Ambulance
Scream (2022)
Best Visuals
Avatar: The Way of Water
The Bad Guys
Bitterbrush
EO
Everything Everywhere All at Once
Fire of Love
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish
Three Thousand Years of Longing 😎
Movie That Deserves Discussion
The Northman
I am usually so down for folklore, medieval period pieces, and a bunch of crazy shit happening, but for me, this was a big miss. Already discussed in my Letterboxd review.
Best Title
Our Father
This was a (pretty poorly made) documentary about a religious fanatic and sick-in-the-head fertility doctor who fraudulently used his own sperm to impregnate over 100 women. So, Our Father. I’ve always been a sucker for a double meaning, but damn.
Worst Title
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
Remember the megahit Knives Out? Well now there’s a sequel; it’s called Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery. It is the sequel to Knives Out.
Worst Line
“That’s a great time hack! Thank you kindly” -One of the witches in Hocus Pocus 2, not 10 seconds after struggling to pronounce the word lotion (“loh-shun, lohh-shuun”), you know, because they’re from the past and don’t know modern terms, like lotion.
Worst Restraint for the Criminally Insane
The shackle around the Riddler’s neck that was so large he could have just lifted it over his dern head
Where Were the Bones??
Bones and All
Many LOLs
Everything Everywhere All at Once
The Menu
RRR
(not too many LOLs this year)
Absent on Purpose
Aftersun
Causeway
Elvis
Living
Still Haven���t Seen
I don’t remember
One cheeseburger to go. And a gift bag. Thank you for dining at Hawthorn.
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