sometimes i think abt how ppl would say shit to me when i was younger abt how we do things a certain way bc we don’t wanna end up crippled and like. bitch i literally was crippled. am crippled. just bc it is hidden does not mean it doesn’t exist so stop telling me that i’m doing something to avoid something i literally cannot avoid and also stop telling other kids that being crippled is such a bad thing and oh for the love of satan stop telling kids who are already disabled that it is such a bad thing!!! it is just my life!!! and i may not love it but i don’t need you telling me how bad it is!! that is a decision i can and will make all on my own.

I really hate having diabetes and having to rely on medical equipment that doesn’t even work half the time and wasting insulin because of it

I am very much scared of my future.

I am very much scared of how my diabetes will go.

I know I shouldn't. it's stupid to be scared of something so changing as my health. but I can't help but be scared. I can't help but wonder how I'm gonna be, even if there's no actual way to know it now.

idk who needs to hear this but diabetics can have sugar. they can have as much sugar as they want as long as they take the appropriate amount of insulin. the only reason diabetics are ever told to lower their sugar intake is to reduce the amount of insulin they use. and almost every sugar free alternative sweetener is either a literal carcinogen or insanely expensive. not to mention the fact that sugar is naturally occurring in every. single. thing. you. eat.

The worst thing about having a chronic pain that isn't visible to others is feeling like your whining when you say, "i'm in pain right now."

i don't ever want the pain in my knees to be categorized as the same kind of complaint as "i don't want to go to work" or "its monday." I say "my knees and joints are hurting" every day because 1. my knees and joints do hurt everyday, and it fucking sucks and 2. i want to be heard by the pepole around me saying that i'm in pain so i can never be gaslit by myself, my family, or my doctor that i'm "not in enough pain".

but when i say "i'm in a lot of pain right now" and then continue to live my life (becuse i can't sit around all day, as much as i want to) pepole assume that i'm okay enough, so therfore it's not that bad. "i'm in a lot of pain" becomes just another mundane complaint.

the thing is; my pain tollerance is HIGH. i don't talk about it much on here, But i'm a type one diabetic and i have been that way since i was SIX YEARS OLD. i've been sticking myself with needles, pricking my fingers to draw blood, dealing with insulin and medical supplies since i was six. i know my body better than most 18 year olds do, so when i say that recently i've been a 9 on the 1-10 pain scale evry day for the past couple of months I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

When i say "my joints hurt", i mean that i can FEEL bones grinding and clicking against one another. When i say "i've been sitting for too long and now my hips are fucked" i mean that walking becomes diffucuclt for me and sometimes i have to hobble down the school halways like how my grandmother walks. when i say "my knees are in pain" i mean that it feels like a liquid hot, searing pain in my joints that feels like a poker melting my skin off. WHEN I SAY I'M IN PAIN, IT'S NOT A MUNDANITY, ITS EXCUTRIATING AND I WISH I WOULD BE TAKEN SEROUISLY.

I cant stand for a 10 minute conversation, my knees would buckle. I might need a bench in my shower, becuse for the past few weeks i've been sitting in my shower floor to shampoo and conditon my hair. I can't sit criss-cross anymore or it will fuck up my entire day. I've resorted to taking a bathroom break in every single class every day so i can stand up becuse if i sit for longer than 30 minutes in one of those school desks every joint in my lower back and spine and legs starts screaming at me. i only feel comfortable laying down, fully stretched out, on my back. If i sleep wrong, i'm in pain from the molment i wake up.

ITS NOT A FUCKING COMPLAINT OR EXCUSE WHEN I SAY I'M IN PAIN. ITS MY LIFE.

can't stand that every time another country is trending it always has something to do with israel. every time i see a country or tbh anything that isn't fandom trending i'm scared the goyim™ have found a way yet again to tie it into i/p. i've had to block so many tags dammit why do they make EVERYTHING about us.

Trigger warning: death mention

Diabetes is much scarier when you also have anxiety.

Hypoglycemia/hyperglycemia episodes are much worse, I fear for my life, feel like I'm about to die. It's such a scary experience.

I'm basically fighting for my life everyday.

(I'm still alive and kicking, no worries. Just venting over here.)

"everyone can be a vegan!!!" just say you don't understand the dietary needs of someone with diabetes and go.

I love playing a fun lil game with my blood sugar called ‘how low can you drop until the room starts spinning and colors start making sound?’

exhausted health update because I have to rant somewhere lol

So we're ending day 12 of my mysterious right-sided numbness. It's moved from just my torso all the way down my right leg to my toes, so now I'm just hobbling around half numb rip. And now the torso numbness feels like im being vacuum sealed or something, just a horrible tightness and lack that makes it impossible to ignore. Went to the ER the other night and had 2 panic attacks within the span of the several hours I was there, got my bloodwork redone and a cat scan which all came back with a big Nothing on them. They told me I needed an MRI but that I'd have to go through my Primary Care and after I told them my primary wouldnt see me until May they referred me to a new primary not in my network so that's been a dead end rip. So far everyone is pointing at my horrific anxiety as the cause but not one doctor has actually offered me help for the anxiety despite me having the active panic attacks in the office lol. My Primary wont see me for several months despite the severity of my current condition and none of the mental health programs I've reached out to will get back to me so for now I'm just. Existing in this anxiety Ouroboros where my anxiety causes my numbness which causes anxiety which causes numbness. I'm trying stupid home remedies to try and minimize the active anxiety attacks but so far we've just been circling around alternating Holy Basil, Benadryl and literally just drinking Rum and going to sleep, which sure all help my anxiety a little maybe but also make it almost impossible for me to function normally during the day. This is making art difficult so commissions are going slow which is obviously making me more anxious lol. I also am home alone most of the week managing the household, which is made more difficult since right now the numbness in my foot/leg makes it dangerous for me to drive and difficult for me to get around my house to do daily tasks. Idk man I'm just tired as all hell and I seem to vacillate wildly between full anxiety breakdowns and depressive/dissociative episodes. At any rate during the week I'll just be constantly calling and harassing every doctor/therapist I can get a number for trying to find someone who will be able to either address my anxiety directly or can at least get me into an MRI to rule out MS or anything else that ISNT anxiety. I'm going to become the bane of the medical profession for a while. Wish me luck!

thinking (and rewatching..) inside job again and i dont think rand is that bad of a father? i mean, he made a lot of mistakes and he doesn’t even feel bad ab it, even tho he traumatized reagan and a lot, but he was never absent. he acts like he cared ab reagan’s career just bc it could help his career, but that’s not true. he pushes her to be the best all the time and it’s bad, but he genuinely cares ab her so much. and the whole ‘creating crises to force her to hang out w him’ thing is fucked up, but it’s cute that he just wants to hang out w her that bad. most fathers literally don’t care enough ab their kids to do any of that. most fathers don’t even know their kids as much as he knows her. maybe my standards are just insanely low, probably, but he’s a better parent than 90% of the parents i know

So I went to the doctor last week and got told I have diabetes, then spent a week in hospital to try get my blood sugar levels back to normal, only to get out of hospital and have my bloodsugar immediately go crazy again... like what do you mean I'm doing the maths just like they told me, taking the insulin in the doses I talked about with my doctor, only to end up super low or super high after eating??? It was all working fine before they let me out but as soon as I do more than laying in bed all day it isn't fine anymore??? Also having to prick my finger all the time to measure and also being super anxious when not measuring cause what if the levels go wheee again in those 3 hours im not measuring??? I know it will all be fine and that I will learn to live with it but I just can't wait until I get my sensor and being able to check my levels all the time to see when and why they go crazy so I can fix my insulin doses accordingly... thankfully my sensor is already approved and I got the message it will arrive on Friday before Easter because this situation of being fine before eating and then being too low or too high a few hours later without warning is making me so nervous and scared. Going to the doctor because I lost a bunch of kilos and was always thirsty just to get told I have developed an autoimmune disease and was close to fainting into a coma is wild. I wasn't expecting that at all and it feels like my life got turned upside down and while I am glad that it is "just" diabetes (cause I am aware it could have been something much worse) and I am accepting it and working on that, the fact it doesn't go like I'm calculating the second I left the hospital makes me so nervous about it all, feeling like I'm doing everything wrong the second im on my own

why the fuck non-diabetic people are buying sensors to "monitor their sugar levels". what the fuck are you monitoring. WHY THE FUCK are you doing buying things that costs LOTS OF MONEY to some people when you do not fucking need it?

"oops my blood sugar went to 199 haha that's high! must say goodbye to this food 😜" YOU SHOULDN'T CARE CUZ YOUR BODY KNOWS HOW TO CONTROL THESE THINGS. EST WHATEVER. YOUR BODY IS A-OK. IT IS NOT AN ISSUE FOR YOU.

STOP USING THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO FUCKING LIVE IF YOU DO NOT NEED THAT.

fatphobia under the guise of "concern" for one's health is still shitty, regardless of "good" intentions.

I'm so tired of being brave.

I'm so tired of putting on a face so that my pain isn't hurtful to others. I rember being six, sitting in a hospital room, smiling instead of crying becuse i didn't want my mom, or my grandparents, or my little sister who was only five at the time, to be sad. i was staring down a lifelong incurable inconvenience and smiling because i didn't know how hard it was gonna be.

and ever since then, i've been labeled "the brave little girl."

i'm so tired. I'm so sick of smiling. I'm so sick of telling everyone around me that i'm going to be okay. i'm so sick of pretending that diabeties and unknown pains aren't wearing me down. i'm so sick of pleasantries, of saying "i'm doing great!", of the presure not to bring down the mood. i'm so sick of college essays where i've claimed i'm perservering. I'm so sick of pressure to assure everyone else in the room while sitting in the hospital bed.

and it's not their fault tiny six year old me was repressing my true feelings and putting other people first. It's not their fault that they assume i'm naturally brave, naturally staring into a lifelong ailment and smiling down the barrel. i did that.

But i did that as a kid.

adult me is more tired. adult me is more honest. adult me understands that while i do not want others to be sad, their sadness about my circumstances is their problem to deal with and overcome. adult me knows that it's okay to be in pain, and their feelings on the matter is not my fault. if they are sad, it is not my fault.

i am a lot diffrent than the six year old "brave little girl" in the hospital bed. (for one, i'm not a girl, but gender issues aside for this post.) I am not little anymore, i don't have the energy to smile through the pain, and i am tired of being called "brave." it is no longer a complement, to me, to be called brave.

Because i wasn't ever brave. I wasn't facing my fears, I was just hiding how afraid i was because little me was a martar who believed the biggest form of love was hidden pain. I know NOW how unhelpful that is, and if nobody ever calls me brave again, i'll be happy.

Tomorrow I have to do some blood analysis... I'm terrified of needles. Wish me luck