#ab how life is difficult and depressing for everyone and i gotta swallow it and like it cause she sacrificed her happiness and health for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nightswithkookmin · 2 years

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Oh God😵

Can we just pretend it didn't happen?

It's embarrassing as it is and I'm trying to put it behind me. No need to keep reminding me

I posted about buff Jimin and akekeed over it the day before that incident. I don't have a problem with buff skinny thicc flat Jimin💀

I got triggered that day that's all.

Clearly I'm sensitive about Jimin and anything related to his body issues. That's what happens when you over step your boundaries as a stan.

It happened. I'm over it.

I saw a bunch of tweets that day celebrating JM's 'new body' and the caption was 'buff Jimin is back.' That's what triggered me that day.

It was difficult seeing a bunch of people praise JM for a body he himself said really wasn't his style years ago.

He even said recently himself he wasn't trying to look buff or anything and I remember joking about how he would say that but will show up here with shoulders like the hulk. I wasn't wrong and I also didn't think too much of it.

And as I said, people push for him to buff up all the time as if his body type as it is is not normal or valid. Not every male has arms that can drill through rocks nor should they all. It don't make them any less male.

So seeing all these people celebrate his 'new' look, I couldn't bring myself to celebrate it with them. Some how it reminded me of when he was a younger man and was pushed to over sexualize and objectify himself and his body by exposing his abs on stage etc. At the time he had said he wasn't comfortable with that but swallowed it and did it anyway especially when he realized fans liked it.

So I was confused as to whether this time around he was being pushed to look this way by the company or advertisers they worked with or even that whole ban on effeminate men on TV in China- or that he was finally giving into the pressure to change his body by fans as he had been complaining for sometime that his body wasn't looking nice.

For a moment I thought he was relapsing or something and falling back into a dark place he's worked his way out of with regards to his body and I was disappointed.

But I've since learnt it is not my place.

We all have aspects of these people we've latched on to and to me it felt as if I was the one relapsing on old bad habits I'm ashamed to say out loud. Too much projection there I admit. It certainly didn't help that someone pointed out to me I was projecting. It made me think, wait a sec. It's all in my head? I've been reading him wrong all this time.

That's when i started spiralling.

Truth is, I'd feel really broken if I celebrated his new body like everyone else but then one day he comes out to say he wasn't in a good mental place and had ben pushed to do something like that because of XZ factors.

If that happens I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself.

I'll probably throw much more tantrums than I have in the past. I'M NOT PLAYING.👀

These are hard times and depressing times and we are all trying to deal with it the best way we can. And sometimes you are just in a a fragile state of mind and the least thing can be a trigger.

I still feel as if someone made an incision in my brain with a razor and i can feel the scar. So pathetic really when Jimin out there don't even know my name

Gotta love myself chilee and I gotta stop projecting. STOP PROJECTING GOLDY.

I'll try not to have such public mental breakdowns in the future. Jimin is not my relative and I shouldn't be this overly invested in his life. He is an adult. He will be fine. No need to worry.

I'm used to pouring out my thoughts out here I didn't realize just how bad and out of hand it had gotten.

Sorry

Can we please go back to being goofy crazy dorks. More shipping. Less ghetto shit

GOLDY

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