THANK YOU FOR THE FOOD

Pairing: Shoto Todoroki x Fem!reader

Rating: R/18+

Word count: 2892 K

Notes: This was supposed to be up on Tuesday but I didn’t finish it on time... But here it is! it took me a week and a half to finish it and had this idea for a year or so, so, yeah lol.

The smut scene was a looot harder to write that I imagine it. I didn’t want it too short but now I think it’s too much? 🤔 Ugh idont know but anyway happy birthday to my first 2-d crush baby Shoto. Let me know what you think please.

And sorry for the bad grammar and/or redaction... english is hard

Tags/warning: aged up characters, public sex, exhibitionism, Shoto being kinky and a horny shit and ignoring the authorities.

Summary: You and your boyfriend go out to dinner for his birthday and he can’t help but make a scene.

-----------------------------------------

You can see the soaring dark blue sky ceilings stood above you, shining diamonds falling from the most gorgeous and delicate chandeliers you’ve ever seen, towering windows overlook the district outside from the ninth floor building at the restaurant you two are. You drank a sip of the delicious white wine you order earlier as you watch in awe this magnificent place.

The atmosphere feels calm, luxurious; just hearing the murmurs of the people sitting close by, the click clack of the silverware, a soft piano sounding incredibly dreamy at the back of the room and the swift pass of the staff perfectly styled and dressed in an all-black suit, dancing gracefully around the place bringing the most avant-garde and delicious food you´d ever seen.

You’d needed months in anticipation to get a reservation; being the most new and famous Italian restaurant at Musutafu. But thanks to the Pro hero status of your boyfriend Shoto Todoroki, that could get arranged easily. Or at least that’s what he told you.

But nevermind you were exited to finally try all that delicious food your friends been telling you about. All the fresh pasta made exclusively on Tokyo but with that classic Italian taste. And what better than to try this with your favorite person on a special day. His 29 birthday.

A day before he had told you to don’t make any plans the next day because he had a surprise for the two of you, to wear your favorite gown and be ready at 9 pm to go out.

You turn to look at him sipping his wine, dragging your eyes down his throat to his shoulders, his biceps bulging underneath his white full suit with navy shirt and matching tie; sometimes you really can´t believe the beauty of this man.

‘’You´re gonna make me blush, love… if you keep looking at me like that’’. Says Shoto with a little playful smile and you know that he’s not blushing at all but giving you the same look with almost the double of intensity in his bright beautiful eyes.

You roll your eyes at that.

‘’Yeah right’’ you say with a soft giggle. You know him better than that. ´´You just look really good in that suit babe… I might drag you to the bathroom to...I don’t know, kiss… among other stuff’’. You say in the most flirtatious voice you could do and biting softly at your lip.

´´You shouldn’t say stuff like that, love, we´re in public’’ he says with a blank face and serious voice, ‘’you don’t want us to make a scene… right?’’ he ask with a slight rise of his brow.

‘’I’m not doing anything Sho, can’t I admire my boyfriend in his perfect white suit?’’ you said faking annoyance, pressing your hand softly on his thigh, arching your brow.

Humming he responds ‘’ Sure you can angel, just don´t tempt me to do things that I won’t be able to control’’ he says while getting closer next to you, putting his hand on your back to sliding it slowly to your low back just before he can dip his fingers in the low cut or your dress. ‘’Besides…’’ he continues: ‘’you look like a total vision in that dress, just like a perfect goddess, can’t wait to see it on the floor’’

He then closes the space left between you two and gives a soft kiss to the spot below your right ear and you can’t help but whimper in your seat.

You are interrupted by a cough close to you, at your back; when you both turn, there’s a married couple sitting in front of each other, looking at you two like you just made the worst action of your entire life. They both look like their around their mid-sixties. They look really up tight. Like they´re doing this out of pure obligation. They had a reprobatory look on their face.

You look at Shoto, frowning your brows on confusion

‘’They should mind their own business’’ he says kind of annoyed, sipping at his glass of wine.

‘’Well maybe we are doing a scene, we´re at this five Michelin star restaurant and maybe we are being inappropriate’’ you said slow and unsure, starting to get uncomfortable, feeling the eyes of the people on you two. That makes you look around, watch the people around you for the first time, at the tables surrounding you.

A few are looking your way, whispering at each other.                                

This is something that happens all the time. Being with Shoto Todoroki always gets attention. His beauty always makes heads turn around. Everybody knows him, or knows of him. That’s what his name and being with him comes with. Dating with one of the top three pro heroes. Is something that’s not at all enjoyable sometimes.  But is something you have to tolerate in order to get a date night with you. Or at least to get a date that doesn’t involve being in pj’s eating pizza and soba and watching movies at home.

And really sometimes Shoto doesn’t know how to be in public. He gets really playful and cheeky in a way that has your cheeks turning red and your eyes pleading for him to shut up and get you to leave early wherever you are to get home as fast as you can to be tangled in bed with him..

You sight, ignoring the people and looking at your boyfriend again.

‘’Hey... Sho?’’ Comes your voice timidly. ‘’This date was your idea… and you never told me what you wanted as a gift, so… what- ‘’ you started to say, revealing him that you hadn’t planned a gift for him, when he interrupted you.

‘’Don’t worry about that love, just being here with you and spending time together is more than enough’’ he said while grabbing your hand tenderly, pretty soft smile on his face. ‘’ Besides… you can pay me later’’ he finished his sentence kissing the back of your hand sensual and slow, with his eyes low and a weird malicious looking smirk that made you pause.

‘’Your plotting something, Todoroki’’ you said suspiciously, narrowing your eyes at him.

He just shrugs his shoulders while finishing his first glass of wine and is that moment when the waiter makes his awaited entrance bringing your food.

‘’Buon Appetito’’ says effusively after pouring the second glass of wine of the night to each of you. ‘’Let me know if you want anything else. Todoroki sir, Miss, excuse me.’’ And makes his leave to attend other tables.

You and Shoto look at each other with a little smile then, each grabbing the cutlery when he says: ‘’Hope that means this is gonna be good’’.

‘’Sho, honey, of course it’ll be just… look at it, it looks amazing’’ you said while looking at your pasta.

He laughs softly ´´ yeah it looks amazing’’ he says looking at you. ‘’Let’s try this out’’

 |||||

 When you got back from the bathroom dessert was waiting for you.

A strawberry tiramisu with two spoons.

You sit and grab immediately the spoon to try it out. Chewing, you took another bite of the sweet and give Shoto a bite for him to try it too. ‘’Really good hmm?’’ you said amazed at him. ‘’I think this was the best food that I had in a while’’

‘’Yeah I think it was good love’’ He shruggers. Like he just didn’t ate the same food as you.

‘’What are you talking about… You ok babe? You watch him curiously, moving a strand of his red hair softly to the side.

‘’Yeah just… craving something else’’ he grabs your hand while standing and pulling you with him. He caress all the way up from your wrist to your shoulder. Then slowly down the middle of your back until he’s squeezing your ass. You see the way his eyes watch you, like if he’s ready for you to protest, to stop him. You don’t. You see the way he’s eyes sparkle with that same mischief.

You press your palms in his pecks, feel the rock hard muscle underneath and grab at the neck of his shirt, see him intensely in the eyes ‘’can’t you wait to be home Sho?’’

He moves you around to press your back to the side of the table and then whispers in your ear with a low smug tone ‘’Don’t think so, love’’

You can feel the eyes of the entire restaurant on you two. The warmth of your cheeks is starting to grow. And you know that Shoto couldn’t care less about the place you both are right now.. You want to kiss him so bad, feel the softness of his lips, the wetness of his tongue. The taste of him. The fresh and lingering fragrance of his perfume invading your nose is slowly pulling you in. Your face is getting closer for him, giving in, ready for him.

‘’Close your eyes angel, don’t worry. Trust me.’’ He whispers.

And you do. Trust him.

You kiss like the world is going to fall apart. You open your mouth for him to pull you in. To forget the world and the people around you. One of his arms hugs your waist to keep you close and you feel the other pushing behind you. The noise of broken porcelain is loud on the floor but you can only focus on his hands grabbing at your thighs to sit you on the table.

You can feel him growing impatient, his hardness pressing between your legs. Your arms go around his neck to put him closer while he’s kissing and nipping at your neck. Then you hear a sound, a weird sound. Is something cracking? Or you think you hear it because you lost focus while Shoto starts to nip below your ear and can’t help to moan.

Shoto’s hands start to trail your legs causing goosebumps to appear, getting closer to your hot center, impatiently waiting for him. He starts to pull the skirt of your dress up, he trails one of his cold fingers up and down slowly  over your panties ‘’mmm Sho’’ you moan in his ear. ‘’You’re really wet angel, sure you didn’t wanted to make a scene?’’ he tugs your panties to the side and pushes his cold thumb inside. You jump in surprise while hiding your face in his neck.

‘’Its ok love, focus on me’’ after a few pumps his thumb leaves your core and you feel empty. You close your eyes and leave him to guide you, pushing your upper body to rest on the table while dragging your legs to the edge, and taking off your panties. He sits on a chair and hooks your legs around his shoulders. Next thing you feel is his wet tongue on your slit. He drags his tongue slowly collecting your juices to then stop at your clit and suck hard. You let a long moan to come out of your mouth while grabbing at the edge of the marble underneath you.

A pleased hum comes from his lips as he laps through your folds, tracing along and around your hole, letting your wetness and his spit to mix and fall to the table.

‘’Mmm yeah’’ Your breathless whispers falls in his ears, he smiles and moves his tongue to nip at your clit again. You pant and move your body more close to his face. A signal for him to know how good he’s making you feel. A slow slither around has your toes curling in your pointy heels, wanting to drop your legs to each side of his face but Shoto stopping them in place. You shiver when he blows smoothly cold air on your bundle of nerves. You bow off the table when his finger enters your core. He starts to draw in and out of you in a steady rhythm, your wetness allowing him to enter a second digit and go as deep as he can.

He starts to pick up the pace while also sucking on your clit, his eyes focusing on your face to watch you intently. He loves your face. He loves to make you feel this way.

He knows your close when you tense your legs and squeeze his head in between. ‘’Yeah cum on my face angel, come on’’ And that’s all the push you need to fall to the edge and let out a moan to the air.

He fucks you slowly with his fingers while kissing at your thigh.

You’re catching your breath while he stands in a hurry, pushing the chair with force to the floor and undoing his belt. Next thing his working on his belt, dragging down his slacks and boxers just enough for his hardness to get free.

‘’I need to feel you’’ He’s pressing his head on your entrance, out of breath, positioning your legs on his waist. He’s dragging the tip of his cock up and down your slit, collecting your liquid in his hardness and sees you pulsing around nothing, ‘’Love?’’ he asks whimpering.

You open your eyes to gaze at him. He’s waiting for you to respond, to give him the signal to continue.

‘’Yeah’’ you said pleading, ignoring all around you and focusing solely on the press of his head in you, the feeling of his long cock finally filling you up, his hands grabbing hard at the sides of your hips to ping you harder to the table and using you as leverage to pump in and out of you with a steady pace. Putting your hand above his for a way to down you to earth; you pulling him harder by the waist, needing to feel him close.

‘’You like that angel? You like to be fucked in front of this people?’’ he ask you with a deep malicious whisper, thrusting a bit harder at you, You can’t help the groan that comes out of your mouth at the thought of people seeing you get fucked by Shoto Todoroki, thrusting back to his waist to feel him hitting you deeper.

One of his hand comes to cup your cheek, kissing it sweetly and murmuring in your ear ‘’Yeah you like that, don’t you, angel? You’re squeezing me so hard, hmm’’ he’s panting now, and you can’t help the shaking of your legs, you’re getting close.

‘’Yes, right there, nnggh, Shoto, fuck me harder’’ comes your voice screaming. Your back is arching off the table when Shoto decides to take you by the waist and pull you flush against him while sitting in the other chair to sit you in his lap. You feel him even deeper now, hitting at that special spot. He’s bouncing you as fast and hard as he can and with a final bite to the side of your neck you feel yourself come undone, panting for air and creaming at his cock. He follows you after that with grunts and moans as he stills to fill you up with his seed.

It’s only when your breathing has calm down and you’re forehead to forehead when you shiver and realized the chilly air around you. Gone is the warm atmosphere, the piano sounds and the chatty people. You move your head to the side to only see a tall tick crystal wall of ice surrounding you. You gasp while returning your gaze at the man in front of you. ‘’Told you to don’t worry love’’ he’s grabbing your cheeks to close the distance and kiss you passionately. ‘’I love you’’ he says tenderly.

‘’You´re unbelievable’’ you said shocked. Thinking at what the cost of fixing this will be. What the press will say. ‘’Wha’’- he interrupts you. ‘’I already took care of that, love, trust me’’. He said with a tiny smile, standing and putting you on your feet on wobbly legs. You sight ‘’Love you too, Sho’’.

You’re trying to fix your make up while he’s fixing his pants when he snatches your underwear from your hands. ‘’SHOTO!’’ you complain, trying to take them from his grasp. ‘’I’ll keep this as a present’’. He said smugly while putting them in the pocket of his pants.

You really can’t believe him right know.

You pout at him while he laughs softly at your face, then you shiver; and taking off his coat to put them in your shoulders, he holds you ‘’Thank you for the food’’ he whispers and starts to drag you with one arm around you close to the wall, putting his left hand on it to start melting the ice.

You hide your face in his right side, grabbing hard at his coat in your arms, not wanting to catch anybody’s lingering glances. You only hear Shoto’s murmurs his thanks and goodnights to the waiters while letting him guide you down the elevator and to the exit. Next time you open your eyes is for you to sit in the car.

He’s sitting next to you on the driver’s seat, ignoring everybody’s gazes to look at you completely swiped, ‘’you ready to continue this at home, love?’’ he asks innocently.

You can only watch him in disbelief and say ‘’you’re unbelievable’’. He can only smile and put a hand on your thigh while driving you home.

SFW alphabet// Obi-Wan Kenobi x reader

Request: There isn’t one- this is pure self indulgence. 

Submitted by:​ MEEEE

Genre/fandom: Fluff/Star Wars

Warnings:  None.

Summary: SFW alphabet for Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Not my gif

A - Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Obi-Wan is pretty damn affectionate- when you both are alone. In public, it is often a different story. That’s not to say he doesn’t sweet talk you quietly when you’re out and about, but he rarely holds your hand when in places that the Jedi Order could see you. When you are alone though, either in his quarters, your Coruscant apartment or elsewhere out of sight, he is one of the most affectionate people you’ve ever met, giving you so many hugs and kisses it’s hard to count. One of his favourite things to do, during slower days, he’ll sit in his favourite chair whilst he reads, letting you sit in a nearby chair, your hands linking you both together.  B - Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend? Where does the friendship start?)

Quite simply, Obi-Wan is one of the nicest and fairest beings in the galaxy, and the very best friend should you put the effort in to get to know him- though, even if you don’t, he’s still extraordinarily kind hearted, and ever the gentleman.  The friendship would probably start when he’s assigned to protect you- and of course he politely introduces himself, and you’re drawn to his friendly and calming presence. 

C - Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He ADORES cuddles. All of them. In bed, in comfy chairs, standing up- anywhere, anyhow, so long as you aren’t discovered. Given half the chance, he would cuddle you to the end of time. He’s a big one for physical affection. A lot of his favourite moments with you are spent curled up together, talking about both everything and nothing, basking in each others company.  D - Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking, cleaning, ect?) Obi-Wan would love to settle down- and he was incredibly ready to leave the Jedi Order for you, but you told him to stay, at least for Anakin’s sake.  He is a marvelous cook- and you can’t convince me otherwise. You don’t go out for secret date nights, oh no, Obi-Wan cooks you a delicious home-made meal.  He’s also quite clean, doing all the chores around his quarters almost every day or when he gets the chance between training sessions, meetings and the missions.  E - Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) If he had to, he would try and let you down slowly. He would try not to make a show of it and explain calmly to you why he think it would be best for you to go your separate ways. It would break him inside, but he’d keep his composure until he was alone.   F - Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? Do they wanna get married?) He would like very much to get married to you 😊 you are his one and only living love, after all. He’d leave the Order for you, if you let him. Enough said, really. G - Gentle (How gentle are they both physically and emotionally?) Very gentle physically, very very gentle indeed. His touches are always so soft, as if he’s nervous that you’re only a dream, and if he’s too rough with you, you’ll suddenly poof out of existence. It’s quite sweet, actually.  H - Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it, and what are they like?) Like with cuddles, Obi is a pretty big hugger. His hugs are warm, and full of all the love he holds for you. You almost always catch his scent- the faint smell of spices, and it always calms you down, it’s soothing. His hands often find the small of your back and the back of your head, supporting you as well as keeping you close to him. I - I Love You (How fast do they say the “love” word?) Not particularly quickly- he tries to suppress his feelings at first, and it takes many weeks of being around you for him to even admit to himself that he liked you, not to mention how long it took for him to muster up the courage to admit his feelings for you.  Even after he admits his love for you, he usually only says the L word when he thinks it’s a special occasion- though he makes sure that you know he loves you in other ways.

J - Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What are they like when jealous?)

Obi-Wan doesn’t often get jealous- he understands the need for close friendships outside of your relationship. But there have been one or two instances where his emotions have gotten the better of him. When he’s jealous, he can get rather possessive. He doesn’t mean to- he truly doesn’t- but he’ll put his arm around your waist, pull you close to his side, whilst giving a very dark glare to send them a message. (He’ll try not to do this in front of Jedi, and has so far succeeded in that regard.)  K - Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) Obi-Wan’s kisses are often quite light and brief- as most of them are given in public. Kisses in private are much deeper, much more passionate, much longer. His favourite place to kiss you is the very tip of your nose, he doesn’t know why really, he just thinks it’s a very endearing place to kiss you. His favourite place to be kissed is just under his jaw, your lips just seem to press against his skin so nicely there.  L - Little Ones (How are they around kids?) Oh, Obi-Wan is a dream around children! He is a wonderful mentor to the younglings in the temple- a brilliant father figure for those who see him as such. Absolute father/husband material, I tell you.  M - Morning (What are mornings like with them?) They are sometimes few and far between, but... Imagine the most idyllic scene you can think of. Sunlight streaming through the window and lightly hitting your face, as the wonderful smell of breakfast hits your nose, rousing you from your slumber. There he stands, in his nightclothes with his back to you, as he cooks you a glorious breakfast. He turns to smile at you as you get up, moving over to quickly give you a morning kiss on the cheek.  That is a morning with Obi-Wan. N - Nights (How are nights spent with them?) Just as heavenly as the mornings. They’re quiet, more often than not, but they’re still wonderful. Though just as rare as the mornings, if not rarer, you both spend the first part of the evening watching the sun set, before dining together, and finally ending up in each others arms, talking nonsense till you both find  slumber.  O - Open (When do they open up about themselves?) Usually late at night, a month or so into your relationship. It’s not about what most people would consider ‘secrets’, but to Obi-Wan these things are incredibly personal. He talks to you about the bond he had with his master, and how he felt when he lost him, he talks about how proud he is of Anakin, all of it. It takes a few weeks and countless late nights, but you’re both all the closer to one another for it.  P - Patience (How easily angered are they?) Man’s a Jedi. The King of patience. He doesn’t often get angry.  When he does, though... Yikes. He loses it. Thankfully his rage is almost never directed towards you. 

Q - Quizzes (How much do they remember about you?) He remembers everything you tell him, down to the last detail. You mention something as a throwaway comment? I guarantee you he’ll be doing or purchasing something  to do with that little throwaway line. Every detail goes into his head and never leaves.  R - Remember (Favorite memory with you?) A time he found you entertaining the younglings whilst waiting for you. You seemed so happy, your eyes sparkling and full of life, glinting as you laughed. He leant against the wall, just watching you as you played with them, letting them embrace their childhood for a little bit longer. It is something he’ll often play it over and over again in his head when he’s watching you sleep. 

S - Security (How protective are they?) Obi-Wan knows you have to fight your own battles, and he does try his best to let you do that, offering guidance if you need it. However, when he knows you’re out of your depth- whatever that may be- he will step in and defend you in whatever way he needs to.  T - Try (How much effort do they put in?) He puts in so much effort for you, trying to prove himself to you even though you constantly remind him he doesn’t need to. He also finds it his constant quest to make it up to you for not spending more time with you when in the Order. You tell him not to do that too, but he never seems to listen.  U - Ugly (What are their bad habits?) Apologising too much. For not spending enough time with you, for being late when he isn’t.. Little things. Little, pesky things. It started off sweet at first, but quickly you found it to be a little bit of a problem.  V - Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Not really that concerned. He keeps himself clean of course, he has more than enough decency for that, but he’s not really that fussed. He’ll pay more attention to small things- like the style of his hair or how he wears his robe- if he wants to impress you, but he’s not exactly vain. W - Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Oh he would definitely feel incomplete without you. He misses you deeply when on missions- and even goes as far to use his holocom to contact you when far off and he can’t bear not hearing your voice anymore.  X - Xtra (Random HC) Obi-Wan is an absolutely divine cook. You want a meal that the canteens or cafeteria don’t do a good job on? Say no more, he shall provide for you. He’d cook practically anything for you, just to see you smile.  Y - Yuck (Things they don’t like either in general or a partner?) Obi-Wan isn’t particularly fussy when it comes to partners, however there is one thing that almost always has to be there. Manners. Otherwise, you may just have a few ettiquete lessons from Master Kenobi. Z - Zzz (Sleep habits)

Obi-Wan is usually a sound sleeper, and has a regular sleeping pattern. This pattern is only slightly taken off track when you sleep in the same bed as him, and he’ll spend at least half an hour running his hands through your hair as you sleep, admiring the blissful smile that crosses your lips. 

Miguel Galindo NSFW Alphabet

I have never done one of these before and all my dear friends have done the SVU boys, so I branched out a little doing Miguel Galindo cause he is just a god. So please be kind x

This is dedicated to @beccabarba​ we have both crushing pretty hard as of late. 

Warnings: Smut

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Miguel can go from calling you Puta and pulling at your hair slamming into you, to running a bubble bath, making you tea, rubbing your shoulders or holding you running his big warm long fingered hands up and down your back telling you how well you did and how much he loves you.

 B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Yours: His fingers and wrists. The way his long fingers brush across your skin sending shivers down your spine. The way they grab onto sheets of paper turning pages and the way they wrap around a glasses and your wrists pinning you down. His wrists are the most amazing things you have ever seen. You love wrapping your fingers around them, kissing down his arm starting there making him groan.

 His: Your lips. He loves how plump and full they are. Especially when you have his favourite shade of lip stick on, down on your knees with your lips wrapped round his long thick cock.      

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Miguel is all about marking his territory showing everyone that you’re his. That includes coming anywhere on your body, your chest, stomach or ass. The feel of his hot salty cum running over your skin while be grunts over you makes you moan loud every time at his invisible marks.  

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

If anyone was to know this about the cartel boss, he would never live it down, but sometimes- although not very often Miguel likes to be dominated. He likes after long days over the boarder once he is washed and fed for you to take over. He likes being pushed up against the wall, you kissing down his neck, undoing his shirt buttons, marking him, telling him what a good Papi he is to you and what you are going to do to him to make him groan your name.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

For a cartel boss he has hadn’t that much experience with too many other women, knowing most of them were gold diggers, but Miguel defiantly knows what he is doing with his cock, fingers and mouth most nights making you come multiple times.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

You on your knees in front of him or doggy style. He loves your lips wrapped around him but he also likes thrusting into you hard and fast from behind, either one hand pushing you down into the surfaces he is fucking you on or his fingers in your hair pulling you up so your body is flush with his bucking up into you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Miguel does love having a good laugh with that grin that melts ice. He chuckles to himself with funny things you say and loves when your telling him funny stories about your day. His favourite Saturday night is watching a comedy curled up with you on the couch both giggling.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Definitely. His well-groomed face says it all, although you do love when things are getting a little un-kept and it tickles your nose, it turns you on that little bit more.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Romance has never been an issue. Miguel will sweep you off your feet in more ways than one. Taking you out for romantic dinners a dress and shoeing arriving earlier in the day for you to wear for a date, sending flowers while his away and when you are out he always has a hand on your back, holds your hand or has his arm linked with yours. As much as you love when he gives it to you hard and rough, you also love when he takes his time with you whispering how much he loves you in your ear as he feels your inner walls flutter around him.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

When Miguel is home it’s not something he really has to do himself because you’re always there for him.  But when he is away sometimes days and weeks at a time, you always know what it means if he asks for a photo or a video calls comes through, which you are always more than happy to assist with.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

When you’re on your knees and he is throat deep, you humming around him when his pre-cum hits your tongue and you reach up to cup his balls squeezing them gently. It drives Miguel crazy making him come on the spot or he pulls you up and off him pushing you on the bed and ramming into you.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Of course in bed in your shared bedroom. But he loves quickies in the back of the car or bending you over his home office desk.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

When you walk into his office in a tight little dress showing off your curves, sitting on his lap running your fingers through his beard while you call him Papi or the way your run your pointer finger down his jaw line, batting your eye lashes and the way you purr his name.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

There really isn’t much that Miguel wouldn’t do, he is up for anything. But he takes your lead on everything and if you don’t like it you say the word, it stops and it’s never done again.

When it comes to you he has no turns offs, he wouldn’t have brought you into his life, into his bed if there were. But he doesn’t like when you question your beauty. To him you are the most beautiful women he has seen and it upsets him when you think other wise taking every chance he can to tell you how beautiful you are so you never forget it.  

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Miguel loves receiving there is no doubt, but he loves giving more. He knows how quickly he can make you come undone when he is between your thighs his beard running along your skin making you squirm, whimper and moan under him, screaming his name so loud making your throat burn.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Both is good. When Miguel knows he is going away for an extended time you both take your time so you can feel every inch of each other knowing you’re going to miss each other.

But other times rough and fast is what gets you both off the quickest before you have somewhere to be or he has an appointment coming to the house for a meeting.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Miguel does love a quickie. Sometimes you have both worked each other up that much whispering into each other’s ears that it doesn’t take long most often than not you both coming together or close together. But he does try for it not to happen too often so he can worship your body, the goddess that you are to him.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Experiments are also on the table at least once. Miguel knows your body and so he will take a risk to a certain point. He knows if you’re getting to your limit but he also knows when something is giving you pure bliss he will push you as far as he can, unless you say otherwise.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Stamina is never an issue, even after long work days and weeks. Miguel is always ready to go at a drop of a hat, sometimes after a long time away going two or three rounds a night making up for lost time, Miguel grateful not having to use his hand and can touch you, not see you over a screen.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Miguel loves toys he can control on you. Nothing turns him on more than when you’re dressed to the nines for an event talking to other partners of friends and business partners knowing that you have a vibrator in you that he put in there earlier that he is controlling from his phone. Only Miguel knows by your face, but you never show it to anyone else and he can’t wait to get you home to show you what a good girl you have been.  

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Miguel can be a real tease, whispering dirty things in your ear while smiling out into a crowded room and sending you dirty messages to fire you up. Saying dirty things in English and Spanish. He isn’t too unfair in the end always keeping to his word about what he is going to do to you once your home alone.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Miguel grunts and groans, sometimes really loud after being away, other times it’s just a whisper leaving his lips, but either drives you crazy.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Whether you’re in a simple pair of jeans and a top, dress pants and blouse, a sun dress or evening dress. Miguel loves watching when you peel your clothes off to see your bra and panties match your colour choice of clothing.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

His tailored suits don’t really leave much to the imagination, especially in his vest and shirt. But when he is in boxers and shirtless, you can’t help but run your eyes down his tanned skin, broad strong muscly shoulders, solid chest and deliciously shaped abs, his hair on his chest just enough running down to the dip of his hips. His solid legs and thighs inviting you for a ride.  

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Miguel has a high sex drive, sometimes he can’t even handle it when you walk through the house in your gym wear pushing you up against the wall or perching you on the back of the couch. Even after days away Miguel is hard walking through the door just at the thought of seeing you, carrying you upstairs laying you on the floor pushing your panties to the side or pulling you into the shower pushing you against the shower wall running his hands over your dripping wet body.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Miguel doesn’t usually fall asleep quickly. He likes to hold you as you drift off to sleep, watching as your face softens as you enter a deep slumber. Sometimes he lays awake for hours just holding you listening for concerning noises in the dark outside, ready at any moment if anyone were to try and harm you to get to him.  

Tags: @thatesqcrush​ @witches-unruly-heart​ @teamsladsandgents​ @lovebennycolonmiguelgalindo​ @amorestevens

baking with sugawara and hinata hcs

genre: fluff <3

a/n: i already did this with todo, so i figured i’d do it with these boys too <3 @babymilkawa me reusing my own ideas cause i don’t wanna find a prompt 😩 LMAOO

gn reader | warnings: none

sugawara

-made b r e a d with you

-the bread was cheesy and so so good but

-making it was so hard cuz suga is so bossy in the kitchen 😒

-HE WARNED YOU HE WAS BOSSY WHEN BAKING BUT YOU DIDN’T THINK HE’D BE THIS BOSSY DAMN

-although he did apologize with hugs and kisses once the bread was made so. worth it 😎

-he’d fling small dough scraps at your face whenever you were staring off into space like “gimme attention now >:)”

-if you accidentally bumped into the counter and yelped from surprise he’d still be so worried and run over to where you were “oh no are you hurt??” and then curse at the counter to make you giggle

- goes into full mom mode when he suspects you’ve been injured while cooking, he sets everything aside and makes you sit down while he checks for bruises and insists that you need to be more safe

-jams out to early 2000s rock with you

-spins you around the kitchen while the dough is rising and dips you in front of the oven

-you guys watch spongebob or whatever other cartoons are on whenever you’re waiting for the bread to rise/cook

-he can do a killer mr krabs impression .. no clue why he just can

-likes sneaking up behind you and snaking his hand around your waist whenever you’d be standing at the counter working on bread

-he suggested being a full time baker with you and you were like yes.

-best bread maker ever. the bread was so delicious that you both swore that you needed to make it again

-although it was probably his wayyy too strict baking rules he made you both carry out that were to thank 😒

hinata

-was his idea to make cookies

-mans promised his entire team a “cookie buffet” so .. you pretty much have to make like five different types of cookies now. 😑

-you guys decided on snickerdoodles, sugar cookies, choc chip, peanut butter cookies, and m&m cookies

-although you had only wanted to make snickerdoodles to give to people for the holidays, he insisted on making all five of the types for his damn teammates

-mans is so bad at baking them. you carried the whole ordeal tbh

-you were in charge of the actual cook times, the one time he was he burnt an entire batch of snickerdoodles

-he got a burnt cookie lazily tossed at him

-although it’s hard to be mad at him with how purely happy his smile is whenever you’d let him taste test the first cookie

-plays kidsbop to see how long it takes for you to notice

-YOU WERE SO IN THE ZONE YOU STARTED DANCING TO IT BEFORE REALIZING

-took you an entire batch of cookies

-yeah uh. you were in charge of the music after that, just because it was payback

-you played that indie rock type of music

-he would beat wooden spoons against the counter like he was a damn drummer

-HE ALMOST BROKE ONE OF THE SPOONS YOU WERE LIKE DUDE NO

-then he apologized with a hug and ajdhshjshd

-it was so sweet he gave you his puppy dog eyes and then was like “i’ll help you with the cookies even more!!”

-FUCK NAW STAY AWAY FROM THE COOKIES

-you eventually let him decorate the sugar cookies

-he drew a “shoyo <3 y/n” thing on one of them and made you eat it with him lady and the tramp style

-THEN HE SMUSHED IT ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND YOU GOT ICING ON YOUR NOSE

-he l i c k e d. i t. o f f.

-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH$:mKWKEJW28:!,!/$&JWDHSHWHUDIEKWNANJDIWISJEENBEBDB2&!;:!2&IWJDBHWJDNFNEKWKEJFH/8:$;828&2’nfnfngiowwknJWJDJSJWOOSKFNENEJWJJW[*|^]€]€!|~’wkowodiUEHDHWHWNS

taglist: @travelbythemoon

Happy New Year

Series rating: R  (AO3: E)

Warnings: polyamory, pegging, threesome, voyeurism, smut

Word count: 5k

Genre: Smut, romance

Female Reader x A.C.E Byeongkwan, Female Reader x A.C.E Sehyoon

beta-ed! Thanks so much to @Alexing1061

Masterlist | Chapter Index

Summary: You admit your crush on Sehyoon and after an apparent rejection, Sehyoon has to make a confession of his own.

If you don’t enjoy reading about relationships that involve more than two people, this story is not for you

Taglist: @Multistan-Net

You entered the restaurant and walked up to the waiter standing by a small, high desk.

“Welcome.”

“Hello, reservation for Kim SuA.”

He checked in his book and gestured for you to follow him. The big room was divided by short, ornamented walls making each table into its own little room, still open but also with some privacy. SuA was sitting at a table next to a big window, and next to her was her husband. SuA fit in perfectly with the restaurant. She was fancy and her pantsuit screamed management soon. Her husband, clearly older than her, wore a shirt and a sweater that made him look even older. A grandpa out with his niece. SuA waved when she saw you.

You took off your coat and sat down opposite them.

“Hey how have you?”

SuA smiled. You were not sure why she asked you here. She liked you or at least she pretended to like you. Sometimes she would come to your office and talk but it was always superficial, small talk. It made you wonder if there was something she wanted from you or use you to get something. If this was the case you had not found out yet.

“I am good. Thanks. How about you?”

“Same old, same old. Much work.”

She waved it off.

“Isn’t your boyfriend coming?”

“He will be here soon.”

A waiter appeared next to you and you ordered something to drink.You felt odd by yourself. Even though you had known her for sometime you were not close with SuA.

Thankfully she was good at talking for everyone else as well. Her husband on the other hand was very quiet. He seemed content just to watch his wife’s monologue.

Sehyoon arrived not much later.

“Hello I’m Kim Sehyoon, nice to meet you.”

He smiled but it was a bit reserved. When you had first met him, he had been much more shy, more like the Sehyoon that was greeting SuA and her husband. Somehow you had grown closer over time. Seeing him this guarded made the progress you had made in your relationship visible. He trusted you enough to show you his cute side, his sexy side but most importantly his vulnerable side. Stress at work had made him gain some weight that he was uncomfortable with and you could not stress enough that he always looked fantastic. Like today. The jeans he wore with the suit jacket and white shirt made the look more casual. His dark hair had gotten longer and he had parted it in the front. Absolutely stunning.

The waiter came and you all ordered food.

The conversation was mainly between you and SuA. She asked about your work and had some in depth questions.

When the food came the talking ceased and the digging in started. It was good although the portions were a bit small even for your taste. As the restaurant was so expansive, you did not want to order more. Maybe you could stop by a convenience store on the way home.

SuA eyed Sehyoon over the edge of her wine glass. He seemed to have noticed too and stared back.

“I was quite surprised when I saw you.”

SuA looked at him then at you. A smile spread on her face. It was unsettling.

“Why were you surprised?”

You did not have a good feeling about this. SuA looked like a hyena who was circling a wounded animal.

“Well I thought he would be the guy from the wedding.”

Sehyoon looked up from his plate and echoed:

“Wedding?”

SuA pulled out her phone and showed a photo. Your face was burning. The photo was of you and Byeongkwan. His arms were tightly wrapped around your waist, yours around his neck, your faces were so close, in kissing distance. It felt way too intimate.

“I mean this guy, who is he?”

What should I say? ‘Oh he is my boyfriend’s partner who I also sleep with’??

Sehni grabbed the phone and inspected the photo. SuA and her husband had expecting expressions on their faces as ithey got ready for a show.

“Are there more photos from the wedding? Can you send me this one?”

Sehyoon looked at SuA with sparkling eyes and she was taken aback.

“S-sure.”

“Awesome thank you.”

He beamed. Sehyoon had asked for photos from the wedding but the married couple had not released them yet. The photo on SuA’s phone had been taken by someone who was not the official photographer. It was not unusual for people to take photos of course but it put you in a difficult position.

“So, who is he?”

SuA‘s husband pressed. He had leaned forward. I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell them. You did not say anything and the silence weighed heavy on you. The mixture of voices from other tables made the lack of words more obvious. You really could not say “he is also my boyfriend”.

“My … friend.”

You felt bad the moment the words had left your mouth. My friend. You had publicly repudiated that Byeongkwan was your boyfriend.

“It was really nice of Byeongkwan to accompany you to the wedding.”

Sehyoon's smile was adorable but his tone clearly signaled that this topic was over. To your surprise the other two did not dare to ask about this again even though they were clearly still curious. The miserable expression on your face must have been enough for them. Sua pretended like nothing had happened but she seemed a bit disappointed. You skipped dessert and paid.

Outside cold wet air hit you in the face. The weather fit your mood perfectly. Miserable.

“Are you okay?”

The cold rain drummed on the umbrella as you and Sehyoon walked to his apartment.

“I don’t know.”

That answer did not satisfy him, you could tell by the way his lips were pressed together.

“I have to talk to Kwanie.”

Byeongkwan sat on the couch when you entered Sehni’s apartment, focused on his phone. You sat down next to him.

“Kwanie.”

He looked up, alarmed by your tone. You had heard it too. You had almost sounded like you were about to cry. If you were honest that was the case. He sat up straight.

“What happened?”

You hugged him and he pulled you onto his lap.

“I’m not sure.”

Sehyoon said behind you.

“I feel terrible. I’m so sorry.”

“Why? What happened?”

“They asked about you and I said nothing.”

His hands ran over your back and your chin rested on his shoulder. It was a terrible thing to deny him in front of others.

“I was afraid of what they would say if I said you were my boyfriend.”

“What?”

He pushed you away so he could look at you.

“Boyfriend? You have never called me that.”

Your face felt like it was on fire.

“I’m sorry I thought you felt that way too..”

You tried to stand up from his lap suddenly uncomfortable with the closeness. The way he said your name made you sit back, all soft, like it was something sweet.

“No, no! That’s not what I meant.”

He cupped your cheek and pressed a kiss full of reassurance on your lips.

“I was just surprised, that’s all.”

“We haven’t really talked about this so don’t feel bad.”

Sehni ran his hand up and down your back.

“I’m happy that you think of me as your boyfriend.”

You buried your face in his neck. He held you tight.

“I got you an early Christmas present.”

You turned around to find Byeongkwan standing in the kitchen with you. This evening you would go out to a fancy restaurant. All three of you. After the debacle with your colleague you needed a good time with your partners.

“A present?”

He handed you the box. It was wrapped in black paper. Hmm what is this? The present was not heavy but also not light. You had not asked for anything nor were you aware that there would be gift giving this year. At your parent’s house this was not a thing any more.

“Open it.”

I have a bad feeling about this.You opened the bow and removed the paper. The box inside immediately told you what was inside in big pink letters.

“Oh.”

It was as if lighting hit you. You felt hot all over. It was from a conversation that you had almost forgotten about.

“I thought you probably didn’t have one.”

It was true. You did indeed not have a strap on. A nervousness rose in your chest but also excitement.

“Thanks.”

He beamed and hugged you. In your ear he whispered:

“We can try it out later.”

You swallowed hard. He let go and took the box to the bedroom. An image came to your mind. Byeongkwan bent over, moaning while the dildo entered him. No,no, don’t think about it now. You fanned your face. This man will be the death of me.

The restaurant that Sehyoon had booked for the three of you was a familiar place. It was the one where he had asked you to be his girlfriend and where you had seen Byeongkwan for the first time. You entered one of the private rooms in the back. The walls were painted in traditional style depicting a peaceful mountain scene.

Last time you only had drinks but the food was delicious.

“This place feels a little bit like the places where the noble men go in period dramas.”

Sehyoon thought about what you had said.

“You mean like a gisaeng house?”

Byeongkwan seemed amused.

“No, I mean… I guess?You know, with the whole private rooms thing.”

Byeongkwan smirked and stood up.

“Sir, Lady, I will quench your thirst for entertainment tonight.”

Sehyoon giggled and you sat down next to him so Byeongkwan had the other side of the table to himself. He put on some music and laid his phone on the low table. In a graceful, fluid motion he raised his arms and like a wave he flowed to the ground. An arm snuck around your waist and you leaned into Sehyoon. He watched his boyfriend, transfixed by the delicate yet powerful movements. You were so captivated by the way Byeongkwan's body moved that you did not notice the waiter until the door was audibley closed shut. You and Sehyoon exchanged looks and laughed.

Byeongkwan was unaffected and continued his performance. With a split he showed off his flexibility and that of his pants. His hands grabbed the hem of his sweater and pulled it over his head.

“Wow, don’t start stripping!”

Your voice was a loud whisper. Your face was burning and prayed that no one would come in now.

“What if the waiter comes back?”

Sehyoon‘s statement was not there to support yours, that much was clear from the smile on his face. Byeongkwan eyed the door. It remained shut. In sync with his body waves he slowly pulled up his shirt as if it was swept up, and revealed a bit of his firm stomach.

“Kwanie!”

You hissed and he let go of the shirt. It slid back down, covering him again and not too soon the door slid open again and the waiter peeked inside. He set the drinks you had ordered on the table and left as fast as possible without running.

Sehyoon and you could not hold your laughter.

“How are you feeling?”

You pulled the zipper of your coat higher and hid inside the collar.

“Can’t wait to get home.”

The food had left you full and the drinks with a light buzz that would have faded by the time you reached Sehyoon‘s apartment.

“Are you tired?”

“Not really.”

“Then why the hurry?”

You looked at Byeongkwan.

“I wanna see the rest of your dance.”

For a moment he stared at you blankly. It was almost like you could see the gears turning in his head.

“OH.”

You giggled. Sehyoon did not say anything and you were not sure he had even heard. He watched the cars passing by as you walked along the street. You had one arm hooked around his arm and one around Byeongkwan‘s. Without actively thinking about it, your steps had synchronized. A smile crept onto your face.

The warm air in the subway made you so sleepy that you took a nap on Sehyoon‘s shoulder. It was just enough rest that by the time you arrived at the apartment you felt awake.

“So, you want to see me dance again, huh?”

You nodded eagerly. One thing you had noticed in the time that you had been involved with your two partners, Byeongkwan loved to feel wanted. The more openly you showed the fact that you found him attractive the better. Sehyoon on the other hand, liked it when you pretend to be unaffected so he could seduce you. This was much harder because he was attractive. Hiding the fact of how much he turned you on in those situations was quite the task.

“How about you put on my gift and Sehni brings a chair to the bedroom.”

Sehyoon looked up from his phone. His mouth opened. When no sound came out he closed it again. Byeongkwan smiled evilly.

Sehyoon set the chair down in the corner of the room. It had been his wish to watch you and Byeongkwan have sex for some time, so now that It was about to happen, a gentle smile had appeared on his face.

You stood in front of the bed and stared at the box. You were not sure what to do with the strap on. Should you take off your clothes first? Leave something on. An arm wrapped around your waist and lips pressed a soft kiss to your neck.

“You okay?”

With Sehyoon holding you like this there was nothing in the world that scared you.

“Should I ... wear this over my clothes?”

“As you like but maybe taking the pants off would be a good idea.”

His hand slid down and opened the button of your jeans. You let him take the pants off. Sehyoon left kisses on your thighs and stomach.

“Should I help you with that?”

Byeongkwan had returned from the bathroom. He had changed clothes. The skin tight pants and loose white shirt were begging to come off.

Byeongkwan helped you put on the harness for the dildo.

Sehyoon sat down on the chair and his lap seemed like a good place to watch the show from. You sat down on his thighs and his arms held you in place securely.

Byeongkwan turned on the music and started to dance. Because there was no possibility of unexpected visitors now, he let all restrained go. There was a fine line between being sexy and being unintentionally funny but Byeongkwan did perfect.

Like a deja vu he made the same moves as at the restaurant earlier. The waves for his body swept the white shirt up and over his head. He threw it to the side. Now his dancing was even more captivating. You could see his firm muscles working under the skin. He gestured for you to stand up. Your mouth felt dry and your underwear did not. You left the comfort of Sehyoon’s lap.

Byeongkwan wrapped his arms around you. Suddenly you were pressed up against his hard body and your faces were close. You kissed him. This whole situation was exciting but also a bit overwhelming. Having both your partners in one room and about to have sex left your head spinning. Kissing Byeongkwan now grounded you again. It was familiar and safe.

“Did you like my dancing so far?”

You did not trust your voice and just nodded.

“Good.”

The kissing gave you time to breath. His dancing had worked you up a bit too much if you were honest. Byeongkwan is too good at this and I am too weak. If you had not been kissing him, you might have laughed at this though.

You ran your hands down his bare back and landed on his ass. So firm and round.

“You think you’re ready for that?”

His breath tickled your neck. The kissing and sucking made it hard for you to formulate a coherent thought.

Sitting on the bed brought Byeongkwan’s hips into focus. You opened the button on his tight pants. They hugged his thighs so nicely that you had to run your hands over them. An urge took over and you wrapped your arms around his hips. Your cheek rested on his stomach. He petted your hair. Despite the wetness between your legs a strange feeling of affection bubbled up. Byeongkwan waited for you.

“Kwanie.”

He ran his hands soothingly over your arms.

You kissed his abs. They were still as perfect as the first time you had seen them. The soft surface and hard underneath was still your favorite combination.

Byeongkwan’s pants and underwear found their way to the ground. He helped you with installing the dildo in the harness. It was an odd sight.

“I think if you come in from behind it’s the easiest.”

“Okay.”

You felt excited. He gave you a condom and sat down on bed. You pulled the latex over the dildo.

“Oh.”

Byeongkwan had shifted into a lying position that showed off his ass. Legs angled so you could see a gem. A plug.

“You like it?”

He smirked. How could someone who was about to get fucked be so smug? You ran your hands over his butt. It was wonderful. The plug had to go first. You grabbed it and pulled on it gingerly.

“You don’t have to be that careful. Pull slowly.”

This time you pulled with a bit more force and the plug actually moved. You pulled it out accompanied by a soft moan from Byeongkwan.

You grabbed the lube and spread some of it on the strap on. Now came the scary but also exciting part.

“Maybe it’s better if I just hold still and you … go at the speed you want?”

Byeongkwan looked over his shoulder and nodded. You aligned the dildo and he pushed against it slowly. The sigh that accompanied the movement was part pleasure, part pain.

“Kwanie, don’t hurt yourself.”

You rested your hand on his ass.

“It’s all good.”

He went as far as possible with the harness and rested his head and chest on the bed. His back was arched and he breathed audibly. You ran your hands over his body in what you hoped was a reassuring manner.

“You're doing so good. You took it all in.”

He moaned.

“Move.”

To emphasize his point he pushed back a little. Tentatively you pulled your hips back. The movement was so foreign and familiar at the same time. It was like a song you had heard often and now you heard it used as a sample in a new song. Byeongkwan had his eyes closed. You watched his face closely. There was nothing you wanted less than hurting him.

You pushed back in. There was noticeable resistance but his face remained relaxed. Encouraged by his content expression you began setting a pace. It was an odd experience to be at the other end of the literal stick. You felt powerful but also wary. Byeongkwan was in a vulnerable position and if you made a mistake he could get hurt.

“Are you okay?”

He had opened his eyes and looked at you over his shoulder.

“Yes…”

“Then can you go faster?”

“I will try.”

You felt clumsy trying to move your hips faster and somewhat regularly. Byeongkwan sighed a moan. The sound made your underwear wet. You closed your eyes and concentrated on the movement of your hips. Your hands held his hips and you drove into him faster.

Behind you the chair creaked. It was the first time since you had started that Sehyoon had made a noise. When you opened your eyes, he was standing next to the bed and Byeongkwan was looking up at him expectantly.

Sehyoon cupped his cheek. Byeongkwan had propped himself up and ran his hand over the very noticeable bulge in Sehyoon’s pants. Byeongkwan pulled down the pants and wrapped his lips around him.

“This is your fantasy now.”

Sehyoon sounded almost accusatory as he grabbed his boyfriend’s hair.

“You should help her a bit more. She will be sore tomorrow.”

That was probably true. Byeongkwan pushed back at you, whimpering around Sehyoon's hard penis. You tried to keep your pace but your muscles were already starting to ache from the unfamiliar movement. Byeongkwan pushed back faster and moaned. The sound went straight between your legs. He shuddered to a halt and let go of Sehyoon. You pulled out and Byeongkwan let himself fall onto the bed. He breathed heavily.

You wanted to be filled so badly now. The moans had you so riled up you did not know what to do with yourself.

“Sehyoon.”

“Don’t worry I will take care of you.”

He pulled his shirt off and pulled his pants down all the way. You did not know how to react to seeing him naked. He looked so good and you were desperate. You fumbled with the strap on but you had no patience left. Sehyoon pushed away your hands and helped you out of the strap on. The rest of your clothes landed on the ground.

He lay on top of you and his kisses drove you mad.

“Take me hard, please.”

Sehyoon just nodded. He slung your legs over his shoulders and entered you. You were so worked up already he entered with ease and you moaned. Finally, your neglected hole was filled. You clenched your inner muscles for even more pleasure. His pace was hard and fast. Exactly as ordered. The harsh contact of your hips that came with each of Sehyoon’s thrusts was perfect. You held your breath as the pleasure built and almost screamed when a wave of bliss rolled over you. After a few more thrusts Sehyoon collapsed on top of you and you kissed his cheek and shoulder.

After a quick shower all three of you fell into bed.

The city was bustling with people wanting to buy a last minute present as you made your way to Sehyoon’s apartment. All of you had taken the day off and you looked forward to spending time with them. Cheesy Christmas movies, take-out food and cuddling on the couch was everything you wanted from this holiday.

Last year you had spent it alone and would have never guessed that this year would be so different.

Sehyoon opened the door and you hugged him. He wore very comfy looking pants and a sweater. You buried your face in the soft fabric and let his warmth envelope you.

“It’s cold.”

Your voice was muffled by his sweater.

“We’ll get you warm.”

Sehyoon rubbed your back and laughed. His smile was the thing that warmed you the most.

“Kwanie is in the kitchen, can you make sure he doesn’t burn it down?”

You nodded and pecked his lips. Unfortunately you felt so good in his arms you did not want to let go and go to the kitchen. He chuckled as you hugged him tighter.

“Soon. You will get to hug me even more.”

“Can’t wait.”

Sehyoon began moving backwards and you followed inevitably. It was silly, the way he moved you in the direction of the kitchen without letting go. You both laughed and giggled as Byeongkwan turned around. He looked at you with an unchanged expression. The containers he had arranged on the counter were filled with food. He set the one he was holding down and came over. He hugged you from the other side and knocked the air out of you in the process.

“Too tight!!”

The embrace loosened but you could hear the pout in Byeongkwan‘s voice when he said:

“It’s so nice, when it’s tight.”

“That’s what she said.”

Sehyoon hollered at your retort and laughed. Byeongkwan let go and you turned around to hug and kiss him. It still felt a bit overwhelming when both, Byeongkwan and Sehyoon, were close to you. Your head was spinning a bit from all the happy juice your brain pumped out.

“Who made all of this?”

You inspected the food containers. Someone had made a lot of different side dishes that looked fantastic. You doubted that they were made by either Sehyoon or Byeongkwan.

“My parents and Sehyoon‘s parents send us food for Christmas.”

That explained a lot. Byeongkwan had said something about visiting his family. His family lived in the city but his parents would visit other family members over the holidays. They could see Byeongkwan whenever.

You changed into comfortable clothes and helped Byeongkwan arrange the side dishes on plates. They filled almost the entire coffee? table when you brought them over. Sehyoon had not bought a third chair yet, so you decided to eat on the couch. It was not the best but it worked. Sitting on the floor actually worked better than sitting on the couch. It felt more like being at a traditional restaurant.

You all sat down around the table but no one started eating.

“Last year I did not think that this year would be so different.”

You looked in the eyes of Sehyoon, then at Byeongkwan. Yes this was different. In one year you had gone from no boyfriend to two boyfriends and it was good.

“Thank you for being in my life.”

You had made it awkward but you grabbed your glass and said: “To us. I love you.”

Sehyoon smiled his shy smile while Byeongkwan beamed at you and raised his glass too.

“To us.”

“Your mom makes good food.”

It was true, the dishes Byeongkwan‘s mother had provided tasted amazing and you ate way too much. Your stomach hurt and if you did not have to move for a few hours, that would be optimal. Sehyoon cleared the table and you heaved yourself into the couch. He did it in his calm, carefree way. There was no hurry in his steps when he brought some plates to the kitchen. Byeongkwan sat down next to you. He rested his head on your lap and you combed his hair with your hand.

“How about we go to sleep?”

Sehyoon looked at the two of you on the brink of a food coma.

“I have to move for that. That a no no.”

You really did not feel like moving. Just staying put seemed like the best option now.

“Let’s watch something and go to bed after.”

Byeongkwan did not want to move either so he simply laid on Sehyoon‘s and your lap. About 20 minutes into the movie your eyelids felt extremely heavy. You could barely keep them open. I will just close them for a second.

A moment later you were gingerly picked up and you woke up from that.

“I wasn’t sleeping.”

Your voice sounded groggy even to your own ears. Sehyoon chuckled.

“You slept for the last 90 minutes, but it’s not good if you stay on the couch all night.”

You nodded and held onto him. He carried you to the bedroom Byeongkwan was lying in bed already, apparently still asleep. You helped Sehyoon to take off some of Byeongkwan‘s clothes. It was fascinating to see that he did not wake from this.

You laid down in the middle. Even though the heat in the middle was too much, you were the one who was least bothered by it. Sehyoon turned off the dim light on the nightstand.

You wrapped your arms around him and kissed his cheek. He turned and hugged you back. In his arms was still one of your favorite places to be. His lips found yours in the dark for a soft kiss.

“Good night.”

Epilogue

“So, what do you think?”

“This was the best one. The right amount of space, bit pricey, but still okay.”

Byeongkwan nodded, agreeing with your assessment.

“I like this one best. Until when do we have time to decide?”

Sehyoon blinked. He had contacted the landlords first so he should know.

“I think they said tomorrow, but if you have already made a decision, maybe it is better to tell them now.”

If they did not get this apartment, there were not that many other options. The ones you had looked at yesterday were either too small or much too expansive. Sehyoon and Byeongkwan both worked so they could afford a bigger apartment, but it had limits. Housing prices had risen dramatically and having two apartments but only using one was just not a good option.

“If we get this apartment, you can come by more often.”

Byeongkwan slung an arm around your shoulders and you reflexively leaned into him. They would indeed live much closer to your place and you had a feeling that he was right. The apartment would be in walking distance. It had a room that Byeongkwan would use as his room but it would have his old sleeping couch. If someone needed to stay there but not be cooked alive between the other two, there would be a good alternative now.

“We could go to work together.”

Sehyoon smiled more to himself and it was the cutest thing. You took his hand. A warm feeling spread in your chest. So the new year would start with moving and being closer to your two boyfriends, both physically and emotionally. You looked forward to all the good times that awaited you in this new part of your life.

It would be a good year.

A/N: This was the last chapter! I hope you liked it! Thanks to everyone who has given feedback on this! I would like to thank Alex again for reading my error riddled drafts and for always being my hype person! Thank you so much ;-;

Early Anniversary Presents (Loki Laufeyson x Irene Scarlett fic)

WARNINGS: Smut (18+ content! DO NOT read if you are underage!), oral sex (both female and male receiving), vaginal fingering, vaginal sex, unprotected sex (WRAP IT BEFORE U TAP IT KIDS-) just smut- and language

Summary: Irene and Loki have been married almost a year with tomorrow marking their 1st wedding anniversary. Irene, being the excited (and impatient-) goddess she is, manages to get Loki to celebrate early with her too!

A/N: So I honestly never thought I'd make another Loki x Irene fanfic XD But with some help from a very special lady (@shiningloki ) and 18 likes on my last fic, I thought why not? Anyways read the warnings and if u r 17 and under GET OUT-

Irene was drying the dishes after washing them while humming a Diveneian lullaby Diveneian mothers sang to their children. She and Loki got married almost a year ago and tomorrow would be their first year anniversary. The goddess was so excited, she got Loki an early present - a dog tag necklace with the tag saying "Best Hubby Ever". Irene had a matching one that said "Best Wifey Ever" too. Anyways, Irene was so busy drying the dishes, she didn't notice Loki coming up behind her.

"Hello my darling wife," Loki purred into Irene's ear. Irene squeaked as she threw a plastic plate at Loki. Luckily, Loki moved out of the way. Irene sighed as she grumbled "That is one of the things I will not get used to while we're married. Quit scaring me Loki! One of these days, I'm going to end up throwing a knife at your head." Loki only laughed at that as he then said "Alright now I have something for you. I was going to wait until tomorrow but considering I know my wife enough, I thought I'd give it to you early!" Irene smiled sweetly at her husband as she giggled.

"What is it?" she asked. Loki chuckled as he told his wife to turn around and close her eyes. Irene did this and after she closed her eyes, she felt something cold on her chest and neck. After a while, Loki told Irene "Alright. Open your eyes and look down darling." Irene did and gasped when she saw the beautiful necklace around her neck. The necklace was a silver chain and a beautiful diamond as the jewel.

"Oh Loki! It's so beautiful!" Irene gasped happily. She looked at Loki and hugged him. Loki chuckled as he hugged back.

"You're welcome, my pet," Loki replied. He let go of Irene as Irene grabbed the dog tag necklaces from out of her back pocket. She handed Loki his necklace as she said "This probably won't beat your gift to me but I got this idea from Steve and Bucky. 'Dog tags' as the Midgardians like to call them." Loki smirked as he replied with "Really? That's so sweet darling. But I think I prefer to see you with a collar than me." Irene blushed as she laughed as she snorted "Not that kind of dog tag hun!" The two shared a loving kiss.

"I have another present for you, my pet," Loki purred. Irene blushed as she asked "What is it master?"

"Why don't you go upstairs and see for yourself?" Loki chuckled darkly. Irene blushed as she went upstairs. She walked into the bedroom and gasped lightly as her heart skipped a beat. The room was dimly lit by candles (scented candles might I add!), the bed and flooring was covered in blue and green rose petals and the blue and gold satin curtains of the room were closed (which thank god-).

"Oh Loki! It's so romantic and dare I say even erotic!" Irene giggled. Loki smirked as he told Irene to look down at his pants. Irene did so and saw the tent in Loki's pants. Irene smiled as she kissed Loki passionately. Loki backed Irene up against the bed until the backs of her knees hit the edge on the bed. Irene moaned into the kiss which allowed Loki's tongue to slip into her mouth as they kissed. Irene broke the kiss as she got to a comfy position on the bed. She then looked into her husband's eyes. Loki's eyes were lust blown. As if he was like this all morning.

"Loki, have you been this hard all day?" Irene asked. Loki shook his head with a chuckle as he replied with "No. I became hard after I decorated the bedroom." Irene bit her lip as she purred "You want me to help with that?" Loki's breathing hitched.

"Get on your knees now," he commanded darkly. Irene did as she was told to and Loki undid his pants and his hard cock sprang out, pre-cum already leaking from the tip. Irene got the memo and licked the tip of Loki dick in which she earned a groan from the god in front of her. She then put his cock in her mouth and didn't stop till she was at the shaft. Loki growled a moan as his hand went to Irene's head.

"Fuck that's a good little pet," he growled. Irene kept sucking her husband's dick, becoming more and more wet by the second. She went faster and stroked what she couldn't reach. Loki kept groaning and moaning Irene's name. After a little while, Loki held Irene's head still as he came down her throat. Irene pulled Loki's dick out of her mouth with a string of saliva mixed with cum attached to her bottom lip and the tip of Loki's cock.

"That's a good girl," Loki sighed. Irene smiled at her husband. Loki then looked down at Irene as he purred "Now I think I need to return the favor." Irene stood up, took her clothes off and got onto the bed. Loki got in between Irene's legs and saw her inner thighs and cunt glistening with arousal making him chuckle darkly.

"My my, Lille Kanin," Loki purred, sliding two of his fingers up and down Irene's slit. "All this just from sucking my cock?" Irene nodded with a big blush on her face. Loki smirked and put his lips around Irene's clit, making Irene moan loudly. She then thread her hands into Loki's raven locks as his mouth worked magic on her clit. Loki then inserted his two fingers into his wife's cunt which made Irene tip over the edge and orgasm all over Loki's fingers and mouth. Loki pulled back, his chin and fingers glistening with Irene's juices. Irene panted and sighed as she calmed down from her high. Loki then took the rest of his clothes off and crawled over Irene and passionately kissed her. While they kissed, Loki guided his cock to Irene's cunt and put the tip in. Irene moaned into the kiss as Loki put his dick in her cunt. Loki broke the kiss and moved at a medium pace.

"Oh fuck!" Irene moaned. Loki went faster and started groaning.

"By the gods you're so tight. Fuck," Loki growled. Irene put her hands on Loki's back and when he hit her g-spot, she moaned loudly and scratched Loki's back and cursed loudly.

"That's it. Shout out to the heavens in both pleasure and pain. Tell everyone in this city who you belong to. Who you chose to marry. To spend your life with. And when you cum, make sure you scream out my name so every pathetic mortal in this building or city who you belong to," Loki growled in Irene's ear. Irene was close and Loki (being the ass he is-) reached his hand between his and Irene's sweaty bodies and rubbed her clit.

"Oh fuck!" Irene moaned out. Loki then tapped Irene's clit and that was all she needed to be pushed over the edge. She came around Loki's cock with her walls spasming as Loki kept pounding into her. He came inside her with a growl of Irene's name. The couple stayed still and panted as they calmed down from their highs. Irene smiled at Loki as she kissed him slowly. Loki kissed back, his kiss full of love and comfort. He pulled back softly after a bit and said "Happy early anniversary, darling."

"You too, my king," Irene replied sweetly.

-

The next day, Irene woke up at 8 AM and noticed Loki wasn't by her. She sat up and just as she did that, the bedroom door opened and Loki was standing there holding a tray. On it were fluffy pancakes with strawberry syrup drizzled on top, some blueberries in a bowl and some on the pancakes, a cup of orange juice and so heart shaped sunny side up eggs. Loki even got a small vase and put some blue roses in the vase. What was special about this was Loki made the breakfast the way Irene loves it and what's better it was a breakfast in bed style.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," Loki purred with a smile. He walked towards Irene and Irene took the tray and set it on her lap. "I made you breakfast."

"Thank you, Loki! That's so sweet! And you made it how I love it!" Irene cooed. She gave Loki a kiss on the cheek and smiled.

"Well, I thought of other things to get you for today and I thought of a few things including breakfast in bed! As much as I hate to admit it, Thor and Jane helped me think of it," Loki told Irene. Irene giggled as she took a bite of her pancakes. Irene smiled and said "Loki, these are delicious!" Loki smiled and kissed Irene's head as he said, with a full heartedly smile "Happy anniversary, darling. I love you."

to @rowsha from @pixiepaintt

title: pumpkin pasties and unspoken promises

rating: teen and up audiences

summary:

Benny wasn’t the biggest fan of pumpkin pasties. They were too sweet and too savory and the flavors all mashed into one nasty confection he could hardly call a treat. He'd avoided them ever since his first year.

But when a blonde-headed vampire asks him to try one, he can't bring himself to say no...

ao3 link: link

content:

Benny wasn’t the biggest fan of pumpkin pasties.

They were savory, filled with rich sage and toasted garlic, yet also sweetly crusted with browned sugar and butter. He wasn’t typically a picky eater; he would scarf down most of the Great Hall if it weren’t for those stingy elves (once, he’d snuck into the kitchen at night for pudding and woke up all of the teachers with his screams). But something about the pumpkin pasties made him wince. He wished they would just pick a flavor category and stick to it.

Rory loved them. Every Saturday morning, as the three boys walked to breakfast together, he’d ramble about how long the weekdays had been and how he would give anything for the pumpkin pasties to be available every morning. He usually raced to the hall to gather up all of the pasties from the Gryffindor table for himself; then he’d eventually feel bad and return a couple. Of course, he kept the majority for himself, but it was the thought that counted.

Benny, despite his disdain for the fickle pastries, would never outwardly show it because he was a good friend. His way of showing affection often coincided with insults, but he didn’t want to seriously hurt his friends. Even if Rory liked the grossest food known to warlock, he deserved at least some happiness.

Right now, he wasn’t happy. The two Gryffindor boys were stood outside Ethan’s dorm room at ten minutes past eight. By now, they should be in the Great Hall loading their plates full of the weekend delicacies but a certain someone was too concerned about his likability.

“Guys, do you think Sarah likes straight hair or gelled hair?” Ethan called from across the door.

“Dude, who cares, the pumpkin pasties are probably all gone by now,” Rory wailed, “I’m doomed to eat sticky pancakes and oily hashbrowns for life!”

Benny slung an arm around his shoulder, trying to suppress his laugh.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get some,” Benny promised, grinning.

Rory let out a pleased squeal– seriously, what kind of teenage boy squealed?– and turned to crush Benny in a hug. He was definitely the most physically affectionate of the group and Benny didn’t mind one bit. Except for the fact that he valued his life.

“Watch the bones,” Benny grimaced, “some of us are mortal.”

He was immediately released and prodded at, a bashful Rory checking for any damage. It wasn’t his fault; vampire strength was hard to control, especially as a newborn. He got excited easily and wanted to share his happiness with his friends, but it unfortunately sometimes ended in a broken bone or two. Fortunately, Benny was good at crafting excuses to get Madam Pomfrey to heal them.

“Sorry, Benny,” Rory softly amended with a pout when he was satisfied with his inspection. Something tender filled Benny’s chest, easy and comforting. It made him want to pull Rory back into a hug even if it meant broken ribs. It made him feel like he was safe. It made him feel like his smile would last forever.

“Yeah, uh, no problem,” he replied, trying to not let his giddiness show.

And, just like that, the moment was over. Rory gave him a big smile and turned back to the door, rapping on its poor creaky wood.

“Ethan, Benny said he’s going to get me pumpkin pasties! He’s my bestest best friend now!” Rory yelled.

A few of the Ravenclaws in the boys’ commons glanced over and frowned at the commotion, sighing when they saw Benny and Rory. They technically weren’t allowed in other houses’ dormitories, but they snuck in so much that no one cared to confront them anymore. Benny smiled weakly and half-heartedly waved.

“Not my fault I’m the only one with any chance with a girl!” Ethan yelled back, then paused, “Sorry! I’m just freaking out. Do you think Sarah would prefer a more floral or woodsy cologne? I was thinking about an earthy scent but that might be overwhelming for her vampire senses. Do you think Jesse wears expensive cologne? He probably does. Hey, Benny, do you have any more of that pheromone stuff?”

//

By the time they reached the Great Hall, most of the students were finishing breakfast. As soon as the doors opened, Rory was rushing to the Gryffindor table, oblivious to all of the students he knocked over to get there. Benny winced.

Ethan was still frozen in the entrance, staring at Sarah not-so-subtly. Benny nudged him and waved a hand in front of his flushed face. He was fairly sure that Ethan had pencilled in his eyebrows.

“Hello, earth to E,” he joked. Ethan blanched and frantically turned to Benny, eyes wide.

“Oh Merlin, I should have gone with the floral cologne!”

“Yeah, guess you’ve ruined your chance forever,” Benny dryly responded before laughing at Ethan’s petrified expression, “I’m kidding. Go get ‘em, tiger.” He winked and pushed Ethan toward the Ravenclaw table. He would go with him, as a wingman, but he’d rather not leave food-crazed Rory alone with the first-years.

  So as much as he wanted to valiantly shield Rory from all of the nasty looks and middle fingers being thrown his direction, he knew that Rory didn’t want conflict. He wanted comfort.

  As soon as Benny turned his attention back to the young vampire, he sighed. Rory was plucking all of the pasties from the table– even the ones on plates– and curling around them protectively. He had garnered more than a few glares from the rest of the house members. Rory spotted Benny and waved giddily, his mouth full and spirits high. Benny always admired him for that: he never seemed to care what strangers thought about him. He would wear the most outlandish clothes and talk about the most obscure things and just… deflected any mockery that came his way. At first, Benny had thought he was just oblivious to the sniggering and badgering, but when he tried to confront the bullies, Rory stopped him and told him that it didn’t matter. No one else’s opinion mattered– only his friends’.

  Benny walked over to the table and sat next to him, giving him a warm smile.

“You know, it’s not very swagalicious to steal food,” Benny chuckled, bumping shoulders with Rory as he sat down. Rory gasped, quickly swallowing his food.

  “R-Dawg has more swag than you’ll ever know,” Rory adamantly defended, scowling, “R-Dawg invented swag. Check it!”  He then began making various noises and swinging his hands in what Benny assumed to be beatboxing. This earned him even more glares.

  Benny rolled his eyes and started piling his plate up with food: cinnamon-buttered toast, black pudding, bacon, and a large heaping of sugar donuts. He was quite famished from his late-night DND campaign (and his subsequent adventure of sneaking Ethan back into the Ravenclaw dorms afterward).

  “We need to bring the Muse-A-Tronics back!” Rory whisper-yelled to him, eyes sparkling.

  “And lose the tiny bit of dignity I have left?” Benny whisper-yelled back.

  “Maybe it would make Erica finally notice you,” Rory quipped, looking back down at his plate in something akin to nervosity.

  “It would make all the primo babes notice me,” Benny boasted, puffing out his chest dramatically. Truthfully, he valued Erica more as a friend (and was pretty sure she wasn’t into men) but he didn’t want to admit it. His friends had teased him about it long enough that it felt wrong to confess– it felt wrong to even acknowledge himself. When he started thinking about romance, he started thinking about Rory, and then he started feeling guilt and– he preferred to not think about it.

  “Girls love that macho piano playing,” Rory affirmed, something pensive in his tone, almost hesitant. He picked at the crust of his toast.

  Benny frowned at his arbitrary dejection and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, bringing him in for a quick side-hug. There was a strong need arising in him to console Rory, a mixture of guilt and sympathy. He patted his shoulder and broke apart the contact, feeling foolish for something he didn’t know how to describe.

  “Don’t worry, MC MonsterBat will be a lady-killer for sure,” Benny said.

  “Who are we killing?” Ethan asked, sitting across from Benny and grabbing an orange.

  “Just women,” Benny shrugged, “Speaking of, how’d it go with Sarah?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  Ethan facepalmed and shook his head.

  “You don’t want to know,” he groaned.

  “Aw c’mon, I’m great at love advice!”

  “B, last time you tried to hit on a girl, you had your eyebrows singed off,” Ethan deadpanned.

“That fireworks spell was trickier than I thought!”

  “The time before that, you almost drowned.”

  “In my defense, the textbooks make mermaids seem really sweet.”

  Ethan just laughed and started peeling apart his orange. He found Benny’s outlandish flirting style amusing, but he had learned to keep a distance whenever it involved magic.

  Rory had been developing a frown throughout the conversation, glaring at his orange juice. He seemed to suddenly decide something and looked up, tugging on Benny’s shirt.

  “Benny, do you want to try one?” He asked hopefully.

  “One what?” Benny hesitantly responded.

  “A pumpkin pastie! AKA the most delicious thing in the world,” Rory cheerfully coaxed, picking up the biggest one he had and offering it reverently. He was so heartened and upbeat that Benny couldn’t bring himself to tell him no.

  The smile on Rory’s face was infectious, and soon Benny was grinning widely too. Rory could probably ask him to eat an earwax jelly bean and he’d agree to it– just because it was Rory. 

  “Uhh, sure, I’ll try a bite,” he said, not missing how Rory’s face lit up adorably or how he pulled him infinitesimally closer. He gently took the pumpkin pastie from Rory’s hands and bit into it without any hesitance.

  To be fair, he still didn’t like it. It had too many clashing flavors and the nutmeg was overpowering. But, when he saw the blush growing on Rory’s face and the way his eyes crinkled with joy, he found himself taking another bite, and another…

  “Do you like it?” Rory excitedly asked, biting into his own pastie and beaming.

  Benny nodded and finished it off, licking his fingers off (and if Rory’s eyes were caught on his lips, neither of them acknowledged it).

  “Yeah, it’s a very unique flavor,” he said. He didn’t want to lie; he was just stretching the truth.

  “You can admit it, it’s the best food in the world,” Rory stuck out his tongue. Benny just laughed and shook his head.

  “Oh, B, you should try the fruitcake next! You always refuse even though it’s my favorite,” Ethan interjected, glancing around the table and grabbing a slice to hold out.

  “No offense, but that is probably the nastiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’d rather face Moldy Voldy than dried figs and prunes trying to disguise themselves as a cake.” Benny fake gagged and scrunched his nose up. He had a rich sweet tooth and could say for certain that fruitcake was not included in that. It barely even counted as sweet.

  “But you just ate the pumpki– Oh. Oh, of course,” Ethan grinned and flickered his eyes between Benny and Rory, “I’m bloody dumb.”

  Rory quizzically looked up from his food and managed a “Hmhuh?” through a full mouth. Benny raised his eyebrows. He usually shared a brain cell with Ethan and could tell what the other was thinking, but he had no clue what was making Ethan laugh so much. He had long since made his hatred for dried fruit known.

  Ethan shook his head and smiled at both of them.

  “Nothing to be worried about. Did you guys want to head to the Quidditch field later?”

  //

  The next Saturday, Benny was the first one up.

“Rory, get up! It’s breakfast time!” He yelled, untangling himself from his sheets.

From the bed over, Rory groaned and hid his face in his pillow. He had spent the entire night getting “food” in the Forbidden Forest. Benny didn’t want to know any more than that.

There was an odd spike of excitement running through him; he just knew that he had to get to the Great Hall as soon as possible. He’d been looking forward to it the entire week, constantly thinking about the darned pumpkin pasties. Whenever he mentioned it, Ethan just gave him a wink.

“If you get up now, I’ll eat another pastie with you,” Benny added.

At that, Rory was standing up, fully awake.

“Really? You’d do that?”

Benny laughed and shrugged.

“Anything for you,” he said, immediately regretting it. That wasn’t a very bro-like thing to say. Rory didn’t seem to mind, though, brightly smiling at Benny and moving to get his robes out.

Benny opened his trunk as well, absentmindedly picking out his finest robes. It seemed like it was going to be a great morning.

//

The warm feeling in Benny’s chest didn’t dissipate. Truly, he knew what was causing it, but he wasn’t ready to face it yet; he wasn’t ready to face him. He felt like it could end any minute, and he couldn’t risk that.

He was a bit relieved when Ethan said he had to study for his midterms rather than go on the Hogsmeade trip. He didn’t want to leave his best friend alone on the weekend, but the prospect of going out with Rory was too exciting.

Hogwarts had just had its first snow, thinly carpeting the winter grass and stone paths in a soft reminder that winter was near. Hogsmeade was decorated in shiny red ribbons and glimmering icicles, sprinklings of mistletoe hanging from every signpost. The restaurants were particularly busy, drawing in onlookers with their warm stews and hot chocolates filling the chilly air with hearty aromas.

They had, as tradition, stopped by Honeydukes first to satisfy their cravings. Benny was sure to grab enough peppermint creams and sugar quills for Christmas; when in doubt, candy was the best gift option. Who would turn down Honeydukes?

They eventually ended up in the Three Broomsticks, properly cold and yearning for fish and chips. Benny had jumped right into his butterbeer, not caring at all how the froth gave him a mustache.

“I’ve died, I’ve died and reached heaven,” Benny bewailed, clinging onto his mug like it was the most precious thing in the world. Which it was.

Rory had the audacity to look offended. He had barely touched his drink, uncharacteristically distraught.

“You can’t die yet, dude, we haven’t beaten the Feudal Wars IV boss yet.”

Benny considered that for a second and then nodded approvingly.

“You’re right, yeah, I guess I have to hold on until then.”

“Can’t leave the Rorster hanging!”

“Of course not,” Benny chuckled, “You’d never be able to finish that round on your own.”

Rory flicked one of his chips at him, pouting. Benny sighed and gave him back a chip to equalize the transaction, squeezing Rory’s hand briefly as an apology.

“You have to admit though, I’m a god at the Feudal Wars series. I think I’m ranked twenty in the nation. Which, to be fair, there are only about a hundred players in Great Britain, but rankings in a multiplayer RPG are skewed anyway. I can’t wait until I’m back home so I can get back to–

“Benny.”

“What’s up?” He replied, taking a swig of his butterbeer and silently pretending that it was real alcohol to feel cooler. Rory hesitated and drummed his fingers on the wooden table.

“I… I know you don’t like pumpkin pasties.”

Benny froze, nearly choking on his drink.

“Dude, what? We’ve been eating them together every week,” he weakly rebutted. Rory rolled his eyes and smiled.

“I’m not a complete idiot,” Rory laughed, “I know you’ve hated them since first year.”

“But you–”

“I wanted to see if you would. Try one for me,” Rory said, leaning forward and resting his head on his palms. His fangs were ever-so-subtly peeking out.

“Oh.”6

Godric Gryffindor, he must have not been as smooth as he thought. What would Rory think of him now, lying about something so simple as a pastry? Normal friends don’t do that.

Benny lifted his head, mouth agape and ready to rush out an excuse, but– he was met with a blushing, embarrassed Rory. Who didn’t seem upset in the slightest.

“It’s cute,” he promised, reaching out for Benny’s hand and rubbing small circles on the back.

“I just– I didn’t want to make you sad, I’m sorry–” Benny stuttered, feeling exposed.

“Don’t apologize, B,” Rory insisted, “You know, to make it even, I’ll eat fruitcake for you.”

Benny furrowed his brows. It sounded almost like a confession– a reciprocation. Maybe they had both been hiding their attachment. Merlin, Ethan had probably stayed back at Hogwarts to make this happen. Well, not that Benny was complaining.

He squeezed Rory’s hand and smiled.

“That’s a bet.”

“Okay, tomorrow morning! I’ll prove it!” Rory asserted, biting his lip, “R-Money will prove his heart’s desire!”

“Moment ruined,” Benny teased fondly.

“Oh, do you prefer R-Dawg? Rorster? Ror-inator? R-Money? Batman? Ror–”

Benny pressed his thumb gently on his lips to quiet him.

“I just like Rory.”

//

By the time they left, the snow was sticking to the ground and the sun was peeking out. If they squinted, they could see Ethan cheering them on from his dorm window with two thumbs up. Damn seer abilities.

With Rory’s hand in his, cheeks red from more than just the cold, Benny took a moment to reconsider. Maybe he had liked the pumpkin pasties all along. He just hadn’t been able to appreciate their ambivalence– he hadn’t realized that if he had just let the flavors meld together, there didn’t need to be a schism.

He turned to Rory, giving him a chaste kiss on the forehead and running through the snow.

“Last one to the castle has to help Ethan get ready for his date tomorrow!”

A comprehensive review of my favourite k-pop releases of the first half of 2021:

January

(G)I-DLE – I burn

Title track: HWAA

Despite being released earlier in the year, I burn is still absolutely one of the most memorable albums of 2021 for me. I’ve followed (G)I-DLE since debut, but it was after Queendom and Lion era (and then Oh my god not long after) that I think they began to show their true potential, and this release is nothing short of a masterpiece. HWAA is the single I wasn’t expecting but I needed: everything from the icy but charged atmosphere, the haunting percussive vocals, Soyeon’s rap verse splitting the song in two, the simple but extremely effective choreography… It worked so well for me, and definitely made me fall even more in love with the group, and especially Minnie’s stunning vocals.

The rest of the album isn’t just a no skip – all the songs are genuinely so good and well thought out. Some are mellow and melancholic, and my personal favourites are definitely Moon (mainly because of Minnie’s vocals – I seriously need a solo album from her – but also Yuqi’s strong pre-chorus, slightly reminiscent of Senorita era). However Dahlia definitely takes the place as my favourite song on the album. Something about it is so sentimental, yet gives a feeling of strength and resilience. Minnie and Yuqi really left an impression through the whole album, and as always I can only applaud Soyeon’s immense talent in producing and songwriting; she’s really the backbone of (G)I-DLE.

Dreamcatcher – Dystopia: Road to Utopia

Title track: Odd Eye

Dreamcatcher delivers every single time and with Odd Eye once again they did not miss the mark. The song has everything I wanted: the trademark Dreamcatcher rock sound, beautiful vocals (Siyeon’s adlibs, anyone?), Dami’s unique rap verses and, of course, absolutely mind-blowing choreography. Dreamcatcher are truly insane to watch on stage, and I do think they all deserve more credit on all aspects – discography but also vocals, dancing and performing. SuA is my favourite female k-pop dancer, so you bet I have watched every single fancam of hers that is out there. It’s also incredible how everyone in the group is very strong in not just one area – main dancers can sing like main vocalists and vice versa. The album was, as expected, gorgeous. I feel like all b-sides deserve to be talked about because I loved every single one so much. Wind Blows has one of the most beautiful pre-choruses in their discography (also, if I didn’t mention it already, I was absolutely over the moon about having Handong back) and the hook is literally meant to bang your head to it. I LIVE. Poison Love is yet another example of how Dreamcatcher excel in whatever genre they decide to try; while their title tracks usually borrow a lot from rock music, their b-sides explore more synth pop, r&b and house or trap styles. Overall an extremely solid comeback, and I expected nothing else from them. They’re truly a different league.

Hyuna – I’m not cool

This was HYSTERICAL. This release was purely Hyuna in her truest, strange and always charismatic form: from the odd progression of the song to the extremely over the top aesthetic and wardrobe. I was obsessed from the start and still am. I cannot express how happy I am to see her thrive and back to making music she loves. Flower shower was kind of a letdown for me, but oh did this mini album make up for it. I wasn’t expecting such a difficult choreography from her, but Hyuna knows how to own a stage, and it really shows what a pro she is because she is always able to fill the whole place with or without back-up dancers. I feel like I’m not cool was more about telling a message – Hyuna’s flourishing and colorful identity – than it was about vocals or rap, and I really liked that. I also enjoyed the rest of the mini, although I think I’m in the minority who still prefers I’m not cool over Good girl.

Cherry Bullet – Cherry Rush

Title track: Love so sweet

This is going to be a quick, but well-deserved mention. I still don’t know too much about Cherry Bullet besides their previous title tracks, but Love so sweet was truly a breath of fresh air and one of my most replayed songs of the year. I think all cute concepts lovers are extremely grateful to them for this release, and they executed it perfectly from concept to performance.

February

Kang Daniel – Paranoia

Hearing this song for the first time was like getting a punch to the gut, and honestly I feel like I still haven’t entirely recovered. Before Paranoia I listened to Daniel pretty casually, knew some of his songs but not all of them, but this song sunk its claws in me and literally dragged me into the fandom so hey, I guess now I stan? Everything about it ticked every box. The music video was spectacular, and the song itself has an extremely haunting and dark feeling, also paired with truly gorgeous lyrics. I feel like it was a brave and personal release. It was different and raw and I could feel the deep and true emotion behind it, and relate to it as well. Still one of my absolute favourite songs of the year.

SHINee – Don’t Call Me

For some reason it feels like it’s simultaneously been ages since this release and yet also like it just dropped this morning. Just SHINee things, I guess? I was excited beyond belief to get a new full SHINee album after the boys’ much awaited return from the military, for reasons that go from musical to pure and simple affection. It was so good to see them come together again, perform on stage, talk about their music and style backstage. I think all SHAWOLs needed it – I definitely did. I know a lot of people weren’t very into DCM, but to be honest I loved it at first listen. I think SM delivered a beautiful and whimsical music video that went perfectly with SHINee’s trademark uniqueness. They’ve always been known to stray away from trends, try new and sometimes odd styles, and this is exactly what they did this time as well. Even though it was a very different track from their previous ones, it still had an unmistakable SHINee flavour to me. I was also obsessed with all of Key’s verses in the song for MONTHS. I feel like the album as a whole could have been a little more, as some tracks were played safe, but I do have to mention queen Body Rhythm, which is the sultry but classy SHINee style in a perfect 3.12 minutes of a song.

Sunmi – TAIL

OH MY GOD. I was so unbelievably excited for this release and Miss Sunmi did not disappoint. She is and probably will always be my favourite female soloist in k-pop, but even though I enjoyed both pporappippam and Lalalay a lot, I felt like something was still missing there. I believe Sunmi needed some time, after leaving JYP, to find herself and her sound again, and to me that’s exactly what she did with Tail. She has her own brand of sexy, which somehow manages to be both subtle and very in your face. I loved the storyline of the song and music video, and Sunmi’s voice is just perfect for such a sensual and mysterious concept. The choreography was also not simply complex but also extremely clever, and a true example on how to use back-up dancers to an artist’s advantage. Rather than overshadowing Sunmi, which often happens with some soloists out of sheer number, they made her shine even brighter. A special mention here goes to the stylists: they kept the theme for every stage but somehow never made it boring. And overall, it’s Sunmi’s incredible stage presence that makes her songs really come to life on stage.

DEBUT

PIXY – Wings

This debut took me completely by surprise and had me OBSESSED. I replayed the song continuously for a whole week, watched the music video several times (which I usually don’t do) and oh my, that choreography. Wings is probably in my top 10 gg choreographies now, especially including the extremely haunting intro they performed on some stages. Overall I think it was a brave and interesting choice to go for a horror concept straight from debut, and I saw a lot of potential in the girls, especially as dancers and overall performers. While I didn’t personally like their next release, I’m still definitely keeping an eye on them because of this phenomenal debut.

March

WOODZ – SET

Title track: Feel Like

I fell for Woodz hard and fast. This song has that delicious dirty r&b sound that tickles me in all the right places, mixed with some more urban influences, and I feel like sultry soul is where Woodz truly excels. I had been keeping an eye on him because I had really enjoyed Love me harder, but I didn’t know if he was going to go in a more mainstream direction after that… and he did the complete opposite. He gave slow sensual vocals, an instrumental from the GODS, a beautiful retro and almost Wild West vibe and the wardrobe was on point. The other two songs in the mini were honestly just as good, moving in the direction of an even more contemporary r&b with a gorgeous taste of synthwave and dreamwave in Rebound.

DEBUT

Purple Kiss – INTO VIOLET

Title track: Ponzona

10/10 best debut of the year and I’m not accepting other opinions. I had high expectations for Mamamoo’s juniors and they SURPASSED THEM. Purple Kiss came out with a dark and mysterious concept and a song to match, and I feel like the group is extremely balanced, which is rare to see: vocals, rap and dance all have one or more members who absolutely excel in that skill, and it makes their performances beautiful and very professional, despite just being rookies. Like all 4th generation groups there is a definite focus on performance but, for once, I felt like this time the vocals didn’t have to take the backseat for the performance to shine, and I really appreciated it. I am especially interested in seeing how Swan will develop as a vocalist, since she’s so young but already so extremely talented; I am in love with how unique her vocal tone is. The title track stole the show from the rest of the album, which was also very good but could not compete with how incredible Ponzona was. Regardless, I feel like Purple Kiss immediately established their place in the industry with their debut, and I can’t wait to see more.

Baekhyun – Bambi

Ah, what a bittersweet goodbye. And yet what an absolutely flawless one at that. Baekhyun has been my favourite k-pop male vocalist probably since the first time I heard him sing, so yeah, it’s hard to think we won’t get any more new music from him for almost two years. Bambi was, after the incredible and well-deserved success of his previous releases, a gorgeous, sleek and mature level up into pure artistry. The instrumental is stripped down to the essential and yet for that very reason it hits much harder, and the song can’t help but follow Baekhyun’s voice wherever he wishes to take it. I loved hearing him showcase both his incredible upper AND lower register, and he probably had my favourite music video of the year – minimalistic, elegant, sexy. It made me think I would really like to see a collaboration between Baekhyun and Woodz someday in the future… anyone else? I also loved the album as a whole. Something I’ve noticed with Baekhyun is that every time, even delivering amazing title tracks, the rest of the album is always still just as beautiful. Maybe I’m just too in love with the man’s voice, but to me every single track on the album was memorable and beautiful in a way that felt a lot like longing.

April

ENHYPEN – Border: Carnival

Title track: Drunk-dazed

The day this album came out, ALL I DID was listen to it over and over. The sound in all of the songs follows a very interesting and coherent story progression, and besides visuals and choreography, the music was the most fascinating part of this release for me. From the intro it felt extremely atmospheric, which was helped by the narration, and the transition into the title track was seamless. I love that ENHYPEN have a very clear and unique concept and are going against the trend that we’re seeing from most 4th generation boy groups. Drunk-dazed was a continuation to Given-taken in storyline and music, but also an upgrade, and everyone has improved so much and so quickly it genuinely left me shocked. I was especially impressed by how much more refined and controlled Jake and Sunghoon’s vocals now sound, and delighted to see that not only Niki had more lines but they even gave him a small dance break. He’s always the highlight of ENHYPEN performances for me, and I do really believe he’s going to become one of the most legendary dancers in all of k-pop. The music video was my favourite of the year in a tie with Baekhyun’s Bambi: the cinematography was sleek and movie-like, Sunghoon’s acting beautiful and never overdone, and the imagery both haunting and gorgeous, mixing cold marble and blood in a way that reminded me a bit of the music video for BS&T. The album as a whole was also one of the most memorable releases of the year. Fever allowed ENHYPEN to perform a more sensual concept, still in a youthful way that felt appropriate for them, and all the choreography was beautifully intricate. I feel like it’s a general consensus that Heeseung shone the most in Fever performances; he always gives 1000% on stage and it’s genuinely captivating to watch. While Not For Sale is not my favourite sound for them and just in general, it’s still a fun song and makes it so that, while keeping stylistic coherence, the mini appeals to a very broad audience. Mixed Up became my new n.1 ENHYPEN b-side at first listen: something about it is so passionate and determined, and gives off the same exact vibe I get from the boys’ performances: youth, hard work, fierceness.

BIBI – Life Is a Bi…

Title track: BAD SAD AND MAD

SHE BROKE ME. This album made BIBI shoot up in my list of best soloists and she landed somewhere in my very sacred top five. She has an indie and r&b vibe paired with class and extreme relatability, and I could seriously listen to her sing forever; her tone is new and unexpected, not only in sound but also in storytelling. The songs on the album felt honest, raw, truthful. Unfiltered. Umm life, the first song on the album, is also probably my favourite. It hit me in a very personal way, and I feel like I’m not the only one who saw herself in the lyrics and overall feeling of it. With this album BIBI touched on a lot of difficult and often taboo topics, and the music video for the single (literally… BDSM) was both visually tongue in cheek and, lyrics wise, sad, poetic and rich with complex imagery. I loved seeing BIBI perform on stage and I watched all of her interviews too. There is something about her absolutely unbothered attitude on and off stage that fascinates me, and the way she performs shows how deeply she really feels her music. She put out an incredible album with tracks that were all thought provoking and well-thought out.

ITZY – GUESS WHO

Title track: In the morning

Okay, look. I know everyone is out there saying the lyrics were cringy or the sound didn’t fit ITZY or whatever else, but ITM and Sorry not sorry are still some of my most played k-pop tracks of the year so, say what you like but DAMN ARE ITZY’S SONGS CATCHY. To be quite honest I didn’t know what to expect after the disappointment that was for me Not Shy, but In the Morning not only delivered, it went beyond expectations in a way I couldn’t have imagined. ITZY managed to showcase all of their strengths and also their infectious charm and energy. Every performance was new and entertaining to watch; I love Lia’s vocals, Ryujin is the real definition of center and I was also captivated by Yuna’s energy and bubbliness, but also her professionalism at such a young age. Yeji stood out the most to me and proved that, at least in my opinion, she’s without a doubt the ace of ITZY in dance, vocals, rap and more. I wish JYP would give more spotlight to Chaereyeong’s dancing, however, as I feel she hasn’t been able to fully showcase her abilities yet. The choreography was extremely strong as usual and, unlike previously, I was finally able to enjoy some of ITZY’s b-sides, particularly Sorry not sorry, KIDDING ME and SHOOT!,all of which I loved. What ITZY ultimately brings to the table is an energy that’s impossible to resist and that I think no one else in 4th generation possesses.

May

Oh my girl – Dear OHMYGIRL

Title track: Dun Dun Dance

Someone get this song out of my head, please. Seriously. This release grabbed me and catapulted me in the world of Oh my girl and hey, I’m not complaining. I was desperately waiting for a fun, summery release that did not feel like it was a rehashed version of a 2020 song, and this was IT. The song came with a very tasteful, light and romantic album which contains some of my new favourite gg b-sides, like Who comes who knows or Swan. The performances were impossible to stop watching; the girls took a concept that is known to work and has been done so many times and still managed to give it a fresh and personal feel, and I loved all of it. The choreography fit so well with the song and the group’s image, and something I particularly loved was the styling (give me all the crochet tops please) and just overall how much fun it looked like they were having on stage. Thank you Oh My Girl for officially starting the summer of 2021!

SOLO DEBUT

YUQI – A Page

Title track: Bonnie&Clyde

I can’t stress just HOW ANGRY I still am that this wasn’t promoted in Korea and was barely performed even in China. Is Bonnie&Clyde the best song of 2021? Most likely. So someone explain to me why CUBE acted like Yuqi’s solo debut wasn’t the huge deal that it was (kind of like they’re doing with Soyeon now, to be honest). I frankly do not get their decision to not capitalize on it more, because they could have made a fortune with proper promotions but, moving on. TWO SONGS AND MY ENTIRE YEAR WAS MADE, MISS YUQI DID. THAT. I don’t sing, and I learned the lyrics to both songs. I’ve never played the piano before in my life, but you can bet your ass I spent 48 hours watching tutorials and now know how to flawlessly play Bonnie&Clyde on the keyboard. Yuqi has one of the most gorgeous voices in k-pop and just pop in general, and the potential all (G)I-DLE members have is INSANE. Her concept was strong, empowering and with hints of pain and, mostly, survival and resilience. I didn’t feel a choreography was necessary and I still think it’s pretty ridiculous how some people are so mad that Bonnie&Clyde, a song made to highlight Yuqi’s vocals, had a very simple dance performance. I cannot wait for the day we get a full album from Yuqi and we can see her perform on music shows.

Taemin – ADVICE

Genuinely, I do not want to talk about this album AT ALL. I have very complicated feelings about Taemin enlisting, what his artistry has meant to me through the years and the hell this man’s voice has got me through, and I still feel almost uneasy listening to this album. Restless. Advice was a risk for Taemin. He took a step away from his style both musically and in choreography, and it felt new and a little disconcerting, but deep down still extremely Taemin. It’s undeniable that Taemin includes in his art a strong element of, to put it simply, genderfuck; he represents both genders at once and also neither (I am in full support of recognizing “Taemin” as a new official gender identity :D) While the Move-Criminal-IDEA triad is still unshakable and probably impossible to top, Advice was something that, as a long-time fan, I needed. The album was as beautiful as I’ve come to expect from all of his releases (I believe I called Strings “slow, passionate sex” and I stand by that statement) and I have too many feelings I don’t quite want to figure out whenever SAD KIDS plays. As always, SHINee and Taemin’s music is more than just music or performance to me, and the reasons are many and complicated. All I really know is that Taemin’s voice manages to shake something very deep within my soul (throwback to when I first listened to IDEA and started full-on sobbing) and I am grateful to him for being the incredible artist he is.

EVERGLOW – Last Melody

Title track: FIRST

My girls!!! I am so proud!!! I feel like no one is giving EVERGLOW nearly enough credit for the growth they’ve done both as a group and as individuals. They started with BBC as an interesting but still somewhat lacking group, full of potential; having supported them since the very first day, I feel nothing but extreme pride as I watch their FIRST stages. They all look more confident and every single one of the girls absolutely owns the stage. I feel like finally Onda’s dancing was properly showcased (and I may have watched one too many fancams of hers because ?? Have you seen those shoulders??? *fans self*) and both Mia and Sihyeon’s vocals shone beautifully. They have grown up and become incredible performers, not just capable but extremely strong. In my opinion EVERGLOW have the most intricate and exhausting choreography amongst all girl groups as of right now, and this comeback they’ve shown they really are able to stand out in the midst of the industry oversaturation that is 4th gen. My only – but very real – complaint is: who the hell is writing their b-sides and why do they always sound so mediocre? I want to have a talk with the producer who thinks it’s ok to make C- songs just because they also delivered an A+ single. Also, EVERGLOW full album when?

TXT – The Chaos Chapter: FREEZE

Title track: 0X1=LOVESONG

HELLO??? WHAT WAS THIS?????!!!???????

Look, I didn’t even listen to TXT much before this; I just casually knew their title tracks and nothing more. Then they come back with emotional rock music, absolutely insane choreography and flawless live vocals??? OK GO OFF I GUESS????? (Can you tell I’m still in shock and absolutely not over it? You probably can)

This was most definitely the release that surprised me the most; I listened to the title track when it came out just to quickly check it out, to see if it was catchy and if I wanted to add it to my playlist, and then proceeded to listen to it about 50 more times before I moved to the rest of the album, and did the same with every other song (special mention to Dear Sputnik and Frost for literally being the best k-pop b-sides in history). I learned the dance down to every detail, marveled at Taehyun’s vocals, the hypnotizing way Yeonjun moves on stage and just overall their chemistry as a group and the impressive level of individual talent everyone in TXT has. It’s very rare to find groups where all members have such outstanding vocals, dance and performance, and I’ve been in a TXT loop since this release. Officially added to my stan list. What an incredible album.

June

B.I – WATERFALL

Title track: illa illa

This was… a lot. iKON was, back in the day, one of the main groups that got me into k-pop, and B.I’s departure from the group – if you can call it that – took part of the fandom with him, including myself. So, a lot of us set to waiting. I had trust B.I would eventually come back fully as a musician. He’s always been an inspiration to me and the snippets he let us see on Soundcloud before making his comeback reminded me how much his music is able to truly touch me. And then this album dropped.

B.I is without any doubt my favourite lyricist in all of k-pop, and it is even more impressive that he has been able to produce, write and arrange for his own group, other groups and now for himself as a soloist. Some of the lyrics in this album, especially for Waterfall and illa illa, keep staying with me through my days – I’ll keep building sandcastles even though I already know they’ll eventually come crashing down – and I was able to relate to him not only as a fellow artist but also, very deeply, as a person. This album felt personal to me and many others, and Hanbin did not hold back – he never does, but especially not this time. Waterfall opens the album true to its title: it pours out angry, tired, hurt, and it just keeps pouring. It speaks of wounds not yet healed and lays down the truth that, in life, some wounds do not ever truly heal after all. Following it is illa illa, which with the first few notes already introduces a few hopeful piano keys and B.I’s equally hopeful voice. It feels tentative, like seeing an end to the darkness but being so used to it that you can’t quite believe it. It feels like accepting and maybe, finally, moving on. The album goes from deep to playful to hip-hop heavy tracks and back to r&b, and I was also very happy to see B.I and Lee Hi collaborating again, as she’s also one of my favourite artists. I needed this ray of hope.

TWICE – Taste of Love

Title track: Alcohol-free

Was I skeptical when I first heard the title? Yes. Did I fall head over heels for this song as soon as I saw Twice first perform it? Also YES. This is this year’s summer song, period. The last one/two years have been years of discovery for Twice, of maturing, finding an updated but still authentic sound that fits them, and this album feels very much like Twice but also showcases their growth. Alcohol-free is the perfect title track, and I swear once I listen to it or even just think about it then I’m stuck singing SWEET MIMOSA PINA COLADA for the rest of my week. All the stages were phenomenal, and I swear I probably died and came back to life several times while watching Nayeon perform. I love how the song highlighted Tzuyu’s vocals better than most Twice title tracks, although I am still very tentative about Jeongyeon’s return. But at the end of the day, if she’s made the decision to come back then all we can do is support her and hope she keeps getting better. This era also gave us iconic Twice interviews and shows (who gave Momo the right to be so funny, seriously?) and overall felt almost like a new beginning, finally seeing the group as a whole for an official comeback again. I also think Taste of Love has some truly excellent b-sides that capture the summer feeling perfectly, without ever feeling repetitive or basic. I especially loved how catchy Scandal is with its whispered intro, the sensual and intimate feeling of Conversation and the perfectly captured naivety of young romance in First Love.

ONEWE – Planet Nine: Alter Ego

Title track: Rain To Be

I did not expect ONEWE to release my favourite k-rock album of 2021 and surpass even DAY6, but boy am I impressed. I feel like, given the chance, they could really take Korea by storm, and I really hope RBW starts to give them decent promotions and distribute their

budget a little better. This was just overall a gorgeous album with an incredible title track. It came out almost two weeks ago but I still play it several times a day because I absolutely can’t get over it. ONEWE’s take on rock is indie and very emotional; Rain To Be feels desperate in its passion, and the vocals are so soulful and honest the song manages to feel both exciting and heartbreaking. Also the bass. Just. THE BASS. It’s a beautiful album from start to finish, and I might or might not have cried a few times while listening to COSMOS. The music video managed to be epic while keeping an incredibly simple concept, and I loved the visual of them getting slowly submerged by water as the song reached further and further heights. I really hope at least one person reads this and gives ONEWE a chance and listens to their songs, because they’re relatively new to the scene but I feel like they already have left a very memorable impression on the k-rock music scene.

To conclude this review, here are my most played k-pop tracks of the year so far:

ONEWE – Rain To Be

ITZY – In The Morning

YUQI – Bonnie&Clyde

Jessi – What Type of X

B.I – WATERFALL

ITZY – Sorry Not Sorry

Baekhyun – Bambi

Key ft. Doyoung – COOL

Hyuna – I’m Not Cool

ENHYPEN – Drunk-dazed

WheeIn – NO THANKS

PURPLE KISS – Ponzona

WOODZ – Feel Like

Kang Daniel – PARANOIA

ATEEZ – Sunrise

Henry – Thinking of You

CLC – No

SEVENTEEN – Light a Flame

Stray Kids – My Universe

WONHO – Open Mind

Sunmi – TAIL

oh my god I fucking found it.

I wanted to find an easy way of reading Dante’s Inferno New Game Plus without having to boot up Frog Fractions 2 and go digging for it, so I opened up the game’s files and starting opening shit in notepad, and the first file I tried did indeed have it. All of it.

Some highlights:

‘You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.'

'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’

I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with noise And not the type of madness that I love.'

Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.'

'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.'

Dante’s Inferno featuring Randy Savage, below the break.

I N F E R N O N E W  G A M E  P L U S >By Dante Alighieri !CANTO I. Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost. Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say What was this forest savage, rough, and stern, Which in the very thought renews the fear. So bitter is it, death is little more; But of the good to treat, which there I found, Speak will I of the other things I saw there. 10/I cannot well repeat how there I entered, So full was I of slumber at the moment In which I had abandoned the true way. But after I had reached a mountain's foot, At that point where the valley terminated, Which had with consternation pierced my heart, Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders, Vested already with that planet's rays Which leadeth others right by every road. Then was the fear a little quieted 20/That in my heart's lake had endured throughout The night, which I had passed so piteously. And even as he, who, with distressful breath, Forth issued from the sea upon the shore, Turns to the water perilous and gazes; So did my soul, that still was fleeing onward, Turn itself back to re-behold the pass Which never yet a living person left. After my weary body I had rested, The way resumed I on the desert slope, 30/So that the firm foot ever was the lower. And lo! almost where the ascent began, A panther light and swift exceedingly, Which with a spotted skin was covered o'er! And never moved she from before my face, Nay, rather did impede so much my way, That many times I to return had turned. The time was the beginning of the morning, And up the sun was mounting with those stars That with him were, what time the Love Divine 40/At first in motion set those beauteous things; So were to me occasion of good hope, The variegated skin of that wild beast, The hour of time, and the delicious season; But not so much, that did not give me fear A lion's aspect which appeared to me. He seemed as if against me he were coming With head uplifted, and with ravenous hunger, So that it seemed the air was afraid of him; And a she-wolf, that with all hungerings 50/Seemed to be laden in her meagreness, And many folk has caused to live forlorn! She brought upon me so much heaviness, With the affright that from her aspect came, That I the hope relinquished of the height. And as he is who willingly acquires, And the time comes that causes him to lose, Who weeps in all his thoughts and is despondent, E'en such made me that beast withouten peace, Which, coming on against me by degrees 60/Thrust me back thither where the sun is silent. While I was rushing downward to the lowland, Before mine eyes did one present himself, Who seemed from long-continued silence hoarse. When I beheld him in the desert vast, 'Have pity on me,' unto him I cried, 'Whiche'er thou art, or shade or real man!' He answered me: A man;  a macho man I am, And both my parents were of Ohio, And American by country both of them. 70/'Randy Poffo' was I born, though it was late, And lived at Columbus under the good Eisenhower, During the time of the war in Vietnam. An athlete was I, and I batted in the minors those red birds of Saint Louis, Cardinals, Before the Macho Man took to combat. But brother, why are you going back to such annoyance? Why aren't you heading up to heaven instead, Where all the good people always go?' 'Now, art thou that Macho Man and that fighter 80/To whom there is no limit but the sky?' I made response to him with bashful forehead. 'O, of the other wrestlers honour and light, Avail me the long study and great love That have impelled me to explore thy technique! Thou art my master, and my author thou, Thou art alone the one from whom I took The beautiful style that has done honour to me. Behold the beast, for which I have turned back; Do thou protect me from her, famous Sage, 90/For she doth make my veins and pulses tremble.' 'You should head to somewhere less grody,' Responded he, when he beheld me weeping, 'Unlike me, you cannot afford to look ridiculous; Because this beast, at which you are raging, Doesn't ever let anybody past her, She'll mess you up something wicked; She, like me, is a tower of power She is funky like a monkey and hungry too, And after food is hungrier than before. 100/Let me tell you something buddy, She may be strong but compared to her I'm stronger! She better watch out because I'm coming for her. You cannot hide or run from the Nacho Man, My arm is long and my eyes see into space; There is no nation that is not the Nacho Nation; Of all the world I am the savior, Pedal to the metal!  Everybody knows it! Oh yeah, let me tell you what I'll do; Through every city shall I will hunt her down, 110/Until I have driven her back to Hell, Where some weaksauce demon let her loose. I know what's best and what is MACHO! Follow me buddy, and I will be your guide, We're going to have a real adventure. You're going to see some pretty gnarly stuff Some ancient ghosts and boogums that go woo, Maybe you'll be sad if you're a wuss; You'll also see some pretty happy folks They're happy mostly because I visit them, 120/Everybody treasures a visit from the Nacho; If you want to go to heaven afterwords, To meet your ladyfriend or whatever; That's where we'll part ways I guess; Because that rightious dude who rules heaven, Has tasked me with bringing macho madness To those less fortunate, so I remain. Heaven is the most macho city of all; And until all are macho I must wait; This is my holy task, a righteous one.' 130/And I to him: 'Sir, I thee entreat, By that same God whom thou didst never know, So that I may escape this woe and worse, Thou wouldst conduct me there where thou hast said, That I may see the portal of Saint Peter, And those thou makest so disconsolate.' Then he moved on, and I behind him followed. !CANTO II. Day was departing, and the embrowned air Released the animals that are on earth From their fatigues; and I the only one Made myself ready to sustain the war, Both of the way and likewise of the woe, Which memory that errs not shall retrace. O Muses, O high genius, now assist me! O memory, that didst write down what I saw, Here thy nobility shall be manifest! 10/And I began: 'Poet, who guidest me, Regard my manhood, if it be sufficient, Ere to the arduous pass thou dost confide me. Thou sayest, that of Silvius the parent, While yet corruptible, unto the world Immortal went, and was there bodily. But if the adversary of all evil Was courteous, thinking of the high effect That issue would from him, and who, and what, To men of intellect unmeet it seems not; 20/For he was of great Rome, and of her empire In the empyreal heaven as father chosen; The which and what, wishing to speak the truth, Were stablished as the holy place, wherein Sits the successor of the greatest Peter. Upon this journey, whence thou givest him vaunt, Things did he hear, which the occasion were Both of his victory and the papal mantle. Thither went afterwards the Chosen Vessel, To bring back comfort thence unto that Faith, 30/Which of salvation's way is the beginning. But I, why thither come, or who concedes it? I not Aeneas am, I am not Paul, Nor I, nor others, think me worthy of it. Therefore, if I resign myself to come, I fear the coming may be ill-advised; Thou'rt wise, and knowest better than I speak.' And as he is, who unwills what he willed, And by new thoughts doth his intention change, So that from his design he quite withdraws, 40/Such I became, upon that dark hillside, Because, in thinking, I consumed the emprise, Which was so very prompt in the beginning. 'If the Macho Man catches your drift,' Replied that shade of the Champion, 'You're a giant coward baby whiner, And your lameness drags you down awful fierce, It makes you shake like a sad puppydog, Like some sort of weird lame animal thing. Nevertheless stick with the Macho Man 50/And I'll tell you why I'm here right now And why a champ like me would help you. I was pumping iron at the gym one day, When a hot lady ghost came up to me I cannot refuse a pretty lady. She had these killer eyes like wow; And her voice really revved my engine, Here's the madness that she spoke: 'O spirit courteous of Mantua, Of whom the fame still in the world endures, 60/And shall endure, long-lasting as the world; A friend of mine, and not the friend of fortune, Upon the desert slope is so impeded Upon his way, that he has turned through terror, And may, I fear, already be so lost, That I too late have risen to his succour, From that which I have heard of him in Heaven. Bestir thee now, and with thy speech ornate, And with what needful is for his release, Assist him so, that I may be consoled. 70/Beatrice am I, who do bid thee go; I come from there, where I would fain return; Love moved me, which compelleth me to speak. When I shall be in presence of my Lord, Full often will I praise thee unto him.' Then paused she, and thereafter I began: Beatrice, you're super hot I cannot resist. I'll do whatever you say. Nobody else in heaven is as rad as you. I'll happily do whatever you want 80/It's a pleasure to please a lady like you Consider your every desire fulfilled But could you do the Macho one favor It's a lot of work you've asked me to do, So if you could snap into a Slim Jim that'd be rad.' 'Since thou wouldst fain so inwardly discern, Briefly will I relate,' she answered me, 'Why I am not afraid to enter here. Of those things only should one be afraid Which have the power of doing others harm; 90/Of the rest, no; because they are not fearful. God in his mercy such created me That misery of yours attains me not, Nor any flame assails me of this burning. A gentle Lady is in Heaven, who grieves At this impediment, to which I send thee, So that stern judgment there above is broken. In her entreaty she besought Lucia, And said, 'Thy faithful one now stands in need Of thee, and unto thee I recommend him.' 100/Lucia, foe of all that cruel is, Hastened away, and came unto the place Where I was sitting with the ancient Rachel. 'Beatrice' said she, 'the true praise of God, Why succourest thou not him, who loved thee so, For thee he issued from the vulgar herd? Dost thou not hear the pity of his plaint? Dost thou not see the death that combats him Beside that flood, where ocean has no vaunt?' Never were persons in the world so swift 110/To work their weal and to escape their woe, As I, after such words as these were uttered, Came hither downward from my blessed seat, Confiding in thy dignified discourse, Which honours thee, and those who've listened to it.' After she said all that stuff, She was crying, my pecs left her in awe; So I left before I could further blow her mind; And so I found you like she wanted; I totally rocked that wild monster, 120/That was blocking your climb up the mountain. So why is it you're being so lame? What is holding back your Macho Spirit? Why aren't you as cool as I am? Given that three hot chicks are waiting They're in Heaven right now watching the clock, You can trust my word on that my friend.' Even as the flowerets, by nocturnal chill, Bowed down and closed, when the sun whitens them, Uplift themselves all open on their stems; 130/Such I became with my exhausted strength, And such good courage to my heart there coursed, That I began, like an intrepid person: 'O she compassionate, who succoured me, And courteous thou, who hast obeyed so soon The words of truth which she addressed to thee! Thou hast my heart so with desire disposed To the adventure, with these words of thine, That to my first intent I have returned. Now go, for one sole will is in us both, 140/Thou Leader, and thou Lord, and Master thou.' Thus said I to him; and when he had moved, I entered on the deep and savage way. !CANTO III. Through me the way is to the city dolent; Through me the way is to eternal dole; Through me the way among the people lost. Justice incited my sublime Creator; Created me divine Omnipotence, The highest Wisdom and the primal Love. Before me there were no created things, Only eterne, and I eternal last. All hope abandon, ye who enter in!' 10/These words in sombre colour I beheld Written upon the summit of a gate; Whence I: 'Their sense is, Master, hard to me!' And he to me, as one experienced: 'Just don't be suspicious, lil' macho, If you're scared then you'll never make it. We're coming up to a lame-ass place Full of bummed-out sad people Who honestly are not the smartest.' And after he had laid his hand on mine 20/With joyful mien, whence I was comforted, He led me in among the secret things. There sighs, complaints, and ululations loud Resounded through the air without a star, Whence I, at the beginning, wept thereat. Languages diverse, horrible dialects, Accents of anger, words of agony, And voices high and hoarse, with sound of hands, Made up a tumult that goes whirling on For ever in that air for ever black, 30/Even as the sand doth, when the whirlwind breathes. And I, who had my head with horror bound, Said:'Master, what is this which now I hear? What folk is this, which seems by pain so vanquished?' And he to me: 'The way they whine And complain about being in pain Teminds them that they're in pain.  It's weird. They're basically just Angels who were selfish I dunno, they didn't go for God or Satan Mostly they just cared about themselves. 40/They got kicked out of heaven But Hell sure as hell won't take them, So really they're like angel hobos.' And I: 'O Master, what so grievous is To these, that maketh them lament so sore?' He answered: 'Alright, well in a nutshell. They can't evr hope to die, Their life as is ain't funky enough, So they just envy everybody else. They have no reputation at all; 50/Good folks and bad both hate them. So gawk if you want, but lets keep rolling.' And I, who looked again, beheld a banner, Which, whirling round, ran on so rapidly, That of all pause it seemed to me indignant; And after it there came so long a train Of people, that I ne'er would have believed That ever Death so many had undone. When some among them I had recognised. I looked, and I beheld the shade of him 60/Who made through cowardice the great refusal. Forthwith I comprehended, and was certain, That this the sect was of the caitiff wretches Hateful to God and to his enemies. These miscreants, who never were alive, Were naked, and were stung exceedingly By gadflies and by hornets that were there. These did their faces irrigate with blood, Which, with their tears commingled, at their feet By the disgusting worms was gathered up. 70/And when to gazing farther I betook me. People I saw on a great river's bank; Whence said I: ' Master, now vouchsafe to me, That I may know who these are, and what law Makes them appear so ready to pass over, As I discern athwart the dusky light.' And he to me: 'Jesus Christ dude You ask so many, TOO many questions Once we get to the river you'll see.' Then with mine eyes ashamed and downward cast, 80/Fearing my words might irksome be to him, From speech refrained I till we reached the river. And lo! towards us coming in a boat An old man, hoary with the hair of eld, Crying: ' Woe unto you, ye souls depraved Hope nevermore to look upon the heavens; I come to lead you to the other shore, To the eternal shades in heat and frost. And thou, that yonder standest, living soul, Withdraw thee from these people, who are dead- 90/But when he saw that I did not withdraw, He said:'By other ways, by other ports Thou to the shore shalt come, not here, for,passage; A lighter vessel needs must carry thee.' And unto him the Guide:'Vex thee not, Charon; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and farther question not.' There at were quieted the fleecy cheeks Of him the ferryman of the livid fen, Who round about his eyes had wheels of flame. 100/But all those souls who weary were and naked Their colour changed and gnashed their teeth together, As soon as they had heard those cruel words. God they blasphemed and their progenitors, The human race, the place, the time, the seed Of their engendering and of their birth! Thereafter all together they drew back, Bitterly weeping, to the accursed shore, Which waiteth every man who fears not God. Charon the demon, with the eyes of glede, 110/Beckoning to them, collects them all together, Beats with his oar whoever lags behind. As in the autumn-time the leaves fall off, First one and then another, till the branch Unto the earth surrenders all its spoils; In similar wise the evil seed of Adam Throw themselves from that margin one by one, At signals, as a bird unto its lure. So they depart across the dusky wave, And ere upon the other side they land, 120/Again on this side a new troop assembles. 'My son,'the courteous Master said to me, 'All those who perish in the wrath of God Here meet together out of every land; And ready are they to pass o'er the river, Because celestial Justice spurs them on, So that their fear is turned into desire. This way there never passes a good soul; And hence if Charon doth complain of thee Well mayst thou know now what his speech imports.' 130/This being finished, all the dusk champaign Trembled so violently, that of that terror The recollection bathes me still with sweat. The land of tears gave forth a blast of wind, And fulminated a vermilion light, 'Which overmastered in me every sense, And as a man whom sleep hath seized I fell. !CANTO IV. Broke the deep lethargy within my head A heavy thunder, so that I upstarted, Like to a person who by force is wakened; And round about I moved my rested eyes, Uprisen erect, and steadfastly I gazed, To recognise the place wherein I was. True is it, that upon the verge I found me Of the abysmal valley dolorous, That gathers thunder of infinite ululations. 10/Obscure, profound it was, and nebulous, So that by fixing on its depths my sight Nothing whatever I discerned therein. 'We're in space, and space is the place,' Began the Champ, pallid utterly; 'The madness is running wild, and so shall you.' And I, who of his colour was aware, Said: 'How shall I come, if thou art afraid, Who'rt wont to be a comfort to my fears?' And he to me: 'Let me tell you now a man 20/of my position can afford to look ridiculous at any time. Now let's go, follow the Nacho Man.' Thus he went in, and thus he made me enter The foremost circle that surrounds the abyss. There, as it seemed to me from listening, Were lamentations none, but only sighs, That tremble made the everlasting air. And this arose from sorrow without torment, Which the crowds had, that many were and great, 30/Of infants and of women and of men. To me the Master good: 'Why don't you ask Who these dead dudes you're looking at are? Let me tell you about these chumps, They didn't do anything really wrong, But they could not snap into a Slim Jim Because the Slim Jim had not yet been discovered; And if they were before Sim Jims, In the right manner they adored not jerkey; They never knew the breakfast of champions. 40/As a result, they can't go to heaven, I am here as well, mostly to mock them For I did not share my Slim Jims.' Great grief seized on my heart when this I heard, Because some people of much worthiness I knew, who in that Limbo were suspended. 'Tell me, my Master, tell me, thou my Lord,' Began I, with desire of being certain Of that Faith which o'ercometh every error, 'Came any one by his own merit hence, 50/Or by another's, who was blessed thereafter?' And he, who understood my covert speech, Replied: 'When I first got here, When from the sky a long-haired dude appeared, Almost as glorious as the Nacho Man himself. He grabbed some Bible dudes, I  think they were Abe and Abel and Noah's Ark but not Noah, I think Moses was there too?  It was rad. There were a bunch of others but honestly I can't be bothered to remember right now 60/It really isn't important Past, present, future, It's the best there is. Ohhhh yeah. And then that guy left and never came back.’ We ceased not to advance because he spake, But still were passing onward through the forest, The forest, say I, of thick-crowded ghosts. Not very far as yet our way had gone This side the summit, when I saw a fire That overcame a hemisphere of darkness. 70/We were a little distant from it still, But not so far that I in part discerned not That honourable people held that place. 'O thou who honourest every art and science, Who may these be, which such great honour have, That from the fashion of the rest it parts them?' And he to me: 'The honourable name, That sounds of them above there in thy life, Wins grace in Heaven, that so advances them.' In the mean time a voice was heard by me: 80/'All honour be to the pre-eminent Poet; His shade returns again, that was departed.' After the voice had ceased and quiet was, Four mighty shades I saw approaching us; Semblance had they nor sorrowful nor glad. To say to me began my gracious Champion: 'This is a Dude named Dante, and you know me, The one for whom the sky is the limit. That one is Andre, Wrestler sovereign; Next to him is Bubba Rogers, the satirist; 90/The third is Roddy, and the last is Albano. I knew these guys when I was alive We fought and laughed and ate delicious nachos, And now we chill for all eternity' Thus I beheld assemble the fair school Of that lord of the song pre-eminent, Who o'er the others like an eagle soars. When they together had discoursed somewhat, They turned to me with signs of salutation, And on beholding this, my Master smiled; 100/And more of honour still, much more, they did me, In that they made me one of their own band; So that the sixth was I, 'mid so much wit. Thus we went on as far as to the light, Things saying 'tis becoming to keep silent, As was the saying of them where I was. We came unto a noble castle's foot, Seven times encompassed with lofty walls, Defended round by a fair rivulet; This we passed over even as firm ground; 110/Through portals seven I entered with these Sages; We came into a meadow of fresh verdure. People were there with solemn eyes and slow, Of great authority in their countenance; They spake but seldom, and with gentle voices. Thus we withdrew ourselves upon one side Into an opening luminous and lofty, So that they all of them were visible. There opposite, upon the green enamel, Were pointed out to me the mighty spirits, 120/Whom to have seen I feel myself exalted. I saw Sid Vicious with companions many, 'Mongst whom I knew both Nash and Wright, Rodman in armour with gerfalcon eyes; I saw Miss Madness and Madusa On the other side, and saw Bret Hart, Who with Pillman his buddy sat; I saw that The Butcher who drove Sting forth, And many others who I did not know, And saw alone, apart, The Repo Man. 130/When I had lifted up my brows a little, The Master I beheld of those who know, Sit with his slamtastic family. All gaze upon him, and all do him honour. There I beheld both Doink and Crush, Who nearer him before the others stand; Diesel, who puts the world on chance, Bart Gunn, Shawn Michaels, and Lex Luger, Razor Ramon, Mr. Perfect, and Albano; Of qualities I saw the good collector, 140/The Valiant Brothers; and Steele saw I, Bobo Brazil and Ladd, and The Famous Moolah, Snuka, Arnold Skaaland, and Rodz, Kowalski, Patterson, and Morales, Gorilla Monsoon, who the worst announcer made. I cannot all of them pourtray in full, Because so drives me onward the long theme, That many times the word comes short of fact. The sixfold company in two divides; Another way my sapient Guide conducts me 150/Forth from the quiet to the air that trembles; And to a place I come where nothing shines. !CANTO V. Thus I descended out of the first circle Down to the second, that less space begirds, And so much greater dole, that goads to wailing. There standeth Minos horribly, and snarls; Examines the transgressions at the entrance; Judges, and sends according as he girds him. I say, that when the spirit evil-born Cometh before him, wholly it confesses; And this discriminator of transgressions 10/Seeth what place in Hell is meet for it; Girds himself with his tail as many times As grades he wishes it should be thrust down. Always before him many of them stand; They go by turns each one unto the judgment; They speak, and hear, and then are downward hurled. 'O thou, that to this dolorous hostelry Comest,' said Minos to me, when he saw me, Leaving the practice of so great an office, 'Look how thou enterest, and in whom thou trustest; 20/Let not the portal's amplitude deceive thee.' And unto him my Guide: 'Why criest thou too? Do not impede his journey fate-ordained; It is so willed there where is power to do That which is willed; and ask no further question.' And now begin the dolesome notes to grow Audible unto me; now am I come There where much lamentation strikes upon me. I came into a place mute of all light, Which bellows as the sea does in a tempest, 30/If by opposing winds 't is combated. The infernal hurricane that never rests Hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine; Whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. When they arrive before the precipice, There are the shrieks, the plaints, and the laments, There they blaspheme the puissance divine. I understood that unto such a torment The carnal malefactors were condemned, Who reason subjugate to appetite. 40/And as the wings of starlings bear them on In the cold season in large band and full, So doth that blast the spirits maledict; It hither, thither, downward, upward, drives them; No hope doth comfort them for evermore, Not of repose, but even of lesser pain. And as the cranes go chanting forth their lays, Making in air a long line of themselves, So saw I coming, uttering lamentations, Shadows borne onward by the aforesaid stress. 50/Whereupon said I: 'Master, who are those People, whom the black air so castigates?' 'Eh, you wouldn't know them really, They were not macho or rad,' then said he unto me, 'That lady was a real piece of work. She liked the men if you know what I mean She made all sex legal all the time, That way she could have all she liked. Her name is Semiramis, of Assyria And I'd like to _Syria_ her _Ass_ one day; 60/She was married to Ninus, a macho fellow. Over there is one you may know, She's hardcore, strapped asps to her tits; aka Cleopatra the voluptuous.' Helen I saw, for whom so many ruthless Seasons revolved; and saw the great Achilles, Who at the last hour combated with Love. Paris I saw, Tristan; and more than a thousand Shades did he name and point out with his finger, Whom Love had separated from our life. 70/After that I had listened to my Teacher, Naming the dames of eld and cavaliers, Pity prevailed, and I was nigh bewildered. And I began: 'O Poet, willingly Speak would I to those two, who go together, And seem upon the wind to be so light.' And, he to me: 'Cool your jets bro You can speak to them soon enough, soon enough They'll come to us looking for love.' Soon as the wind in our direction sways them, 80/My voice uplift I: 'O ye weary souls! Come speak to us, if no one interdicts it.' As turtle-doves, called onward by desire, With open and steady wings to the sweet nest Fly through the air by their volition borne, So came they from the band where Dido is, Approaching us athwart the air malign, So strong was the affectionate appeal. 'O living creature gracious and benignant, Who visiting goest through the purple air 90/Us, who have stained the world incarnadine, If were the King of the Universe our friend, We would pray unto him to give thee peace, Since thou hast pity on our woe perverse. Of what it pleases thee to hear and speak, That will we hear, and we will speak to you, While silent is the wind, as it is now. Sitteth the city, wherein I was born, Upon the sea-shore where the Po descends To rest in peace with all his retinue. 100/Love, that on gentle heart doth swiftly seize, Seized this man for the person beautiful That was ta'en from me, and still the mode offends me. Love, that exempts no one beloved from loving, Seized me with pleasure of this man so strongly, That, as thou seest, it doth not yet desert me; Love has conducted us unto one death; Caina waiteth him who quenched our life!' These words were borne along from them to us. As soon as I had heard those souls tormented, 110/I bowed my face, and so long held it down Until the Poet said to me: 'Whaddaya think?' When I made answer, I began: 'Alas! How many pleasant thoughts, how much desire, Conducted these unto the dolorous pass!' Then unto them I turned me, and I spake, And I began: 'Thine agonies, Francesca, Sad and compassionate to weeping make me. But tell me, at the time of those sweet sighs, By what and in what manner Love conceded, 120/That you should know your dubious desires?' And she to me: 'There is no greater sorrow Than to be mindful of the happy time In misery, and that thy Teacher knows. But, if to recognise the earliest root Of love in us thou hast so great desire, I will do even as he who weeps and speaks. One day we reading were for our delight Of Launcelot, how Love did him enthral. Alone we were and without any fear. 130/Full many a time our eyes together drew That reading, and drove the colour from our faces; But one point only was it that o'ercame us. When as we read of the much-longed-for smile Being by such a noble lover kissed, This one, who ne'er from me shall be divided, Kissed me upon the mouth all palpitating. Galeotto was the book and he who wrote it. That day no farther did we read therein.' And all the while one spirit uttered this, 140/The other one did weep so, that, for pity, I swooned away as if I had been dying, And fell, even as a dead body falls. !CANTO VI. At the return of consciousness, that closed Before the pity of those two relations, Which utterly with sadness had confused me, New torments I behold, and new tormented Around me, whichsoever way I move, And whichsoever way I turn, and gaze. In the third circle am I of the rain Eternal, maledict, and cold, and heavy; Its law and quality are never new. 10/Huge hail, and water sombre-hued, and snow, Athwart the tenebrous air pour down amain; Noisome the earth is, that receiveth this. Cerberus, monster cruel and uncouth, With his three gullets like a dog is barking Over the people that are there submerged. Red eyes he has, and unctuous beard and black, And belly large, and armed with claws his hands; He rends the spirits, flays, and quarters them. Howl the rain maketh them like unto dogs; 20/One side they make a shelter for the other; Oft turn themselves the wretched reprobates. When Cerberus perceived us, the great worm! His mouths he opened, and displayed his tusks; Not a limb had he that was motionless. And my Conductor, with his spans extended, Took of the earth, and with his fists well filled, He threw it into those rapacious gullets. Such as that dog is, who by barking craves, And quiet grows soon as his food he gnaws, 30/For to devour it he but thinks and struggles, The like became those muzzles filth-begrimed Of Cerberus the demon, who so thunders Over the souls that they would fain be deaf. We passed across the shadows, which subdues The heavy rain-storm, and we placed our feet Upon their vanity that person seems. They all were lying prone upon the earth, Excepting one, who sat upright as soon As he beheld us passing on before him. 40/'O thou that art conducted through this Hell,' He said to me, 'recall me, if thou canst; Thyself wast made before I was unmade.' And I to him: 'The anguish which thou hast Perhaps doth draw thee out of my remembrance, So that it seems not I have ever seen thee. But tell me who thou art, that in so doleful A place art put, and in such punishment, If some are greater, none is so displeasing.' And he to me: 'Thy city, which is full 50/Of envy so that now the sack runs over, Held me within it in the life serene. You citizens were wont to call me Ciacco; For the pernicious sin of gluttony I, as thou seest, am battered by this rain. And I, sad soul, am not the only one, For all these suffer the like penalty For the like sin;' and word no more spake he. I answered him: 'Ciacco, thy wretchedness Weighs on me so that it to weep invites me; 60/But tell me, if thou knowest, to what shall come The citizens of the divided city; If any there be just; and the occasion Tell me why so much discord has assailed it.' And he to me: 'They, after long contention, Will come to bloodshed; and the rustic party Will drive the other out with much offence. Then afterwards behoves it this one fall Within three suns, and rise again the other By force of him who now is on the coast. 70/High will it hold its forehead a long while, Keeping the other under heavy burdens, Howe'er it weeps thereat and is indignant. The just are two, and are not understood there; Envy and Arrogance and Avarice Are the three sparks that have all hearts enkindled.' Here ended he his tearful utterance; And I to him: 'I wish thee still to teach me, And make a gift to me of further speech. Farinata and Tegghiaio, once so worthy, 80/Jacopo Rusticucci, Arrigo, and Mosca, And others who on good deeds set their thoughts, Say where they are, and cause that I may know them; For great desire constraineth me to learn If Heaven doth sweeten them, or Hell envenom.' And he: 'They are among the blacker souls; A different sin downweighs them to the bottom; If thou so far descendest, thou canst see them. But when thou art again in the sweet world, I pray thee to the mind of others bring me; 90/No more I tell thee and no more I answer.' Then his straightforward eyes he turned askance, Eyed me a little, and then bowed his head; He fell therewith prone like the other blind. And the Guide said to me: 'He ain't getting up, Though apparently the bible says something about the end of days, so maybe then, I was never really much of a scholar, but I think it mentioned the dead rising, Or maybe that was just in Ghostbusters.' 100/So we passed onward o'er the filthy mixture Of shadows and of rain with footsteps slow, Touching a little on the future life. Wherefore I said: 'Master, these torments here, Will they increase after the mighty sentence, Or lesser be, or will they be as burning?' And he to me: 'Man do I look like a prohpet? Whatever is gonig to happen is going to happen, And I have no way of knowing which is which. These folks are trapped here forever 110/They can't get into heaven, so who cares? It's harsh, but that's how the chips fall.' Round in a circle by that road we went, Speaking much more, which I do not repeat; We came unto the point where the descent is; There we found Plutus the great enemy. !CANTO VII. 'Pape Satan, Pape Satan, Aleppe!' Thus Plutus with his clucking voice began; And that benignant Sage, who all things knew, Said, to encourage me: 'Don't wig out, We are too macho for this jive turkey, He can't stop us entering the danger zone.' Then he turned round unto that bloated lip, And said: 'Shut up you freakshow; Why not eat yourself for a change? 10/We got a divine purpose, higher than Nachos; The big man upstairs sent us so beat it, We're soaring eagles, you are a slithering snake.' Even as the sails inflated by the wind Involved together fall when snaps the mast, So fell the cruel monster to the earth. Thus we descended into the fourth chasm, Gaining still farther on the dolesome shore Which all the woe of the universe insacks. Justice of God, ah! who heaps up so many 20/New toils and sufferings as I beheld? And why doth our transgression waste us so? As doth the billow there upon Charybdis, That breaks itself on that which it encounters, So here the folk must dance their roundelay. Here saw I people, more than elsewhere, many, On one side and the other, with great howls, Rolling weights forward by main force of chest. They clashed together, and then at that point Each one turned backward, rolling retrograde, 30/Crying, 'Why keepest?' and, 'Why squanderest thou?' Thus they returned along the lurid circle On either hand unto the opposite point, Shouting their shameful metre evermore. Then each, when he arrived there, wheeled about Through his half-circle to another joust; And I, who had my heart pierced as it were, Exclaimed: 'My Master, now declare to me What people these are, and if all were clerks, These shaven crowns upon the left of us.' 40/And he to me: 'I'll be frank with you dog, These were the dudes who loved money And let's be clear, I love money too. But these guys loved money too much, And like, not so much in a kinky way either, But instead they would hurt people to get money. You might see some churchy folks here Maybe even a pope or two, and learn: Even a priest can be a huge dick.' And I: 'My Master, among such as these 50/I ought forsooth to recognise some few, Who were infected with these maladies.' And he to me: 'I dunno man, it's sort of dark; And their dim view of compassion while alive Makes their forms sort of blurry.  It's weird. So now they're stuck here forever; Or until Electronic Arts publishes Dante's Inferno And they get some cameos in World 4. I really have no sympathy, neither should you, They took from others so now their souls are taken; 60/There's not much else to say on that matter. Let me ask you a question buddy, What do you do with your money? Your wealth? Are you stingy with it, or do you help others? Just remember these guys, or maybe Jacob Marley, Yeah that's right, I know some Dickens Even literature can be Macho at times.' 'Master,' I said to him, 'now tell me also What is this Fortune which thou speakest of, That has the world's goods so within its clutches?' 70/And he to me: 'Look idiot, Are you not listening or just being dense? Let me tell you from the beginning, then. God made everything, obviously, He made the sky, and the sun, and the stars, He made the Macho Man and tasty Nachos, And distributed these Nachos to all creation; Like a generous dude at a soup kitchen Where instead of soup they serve Nachos, But then people wanted MORE NACHOS, 80/And would fight over their cheesy goodness, Warm globes dripping from chips. So people would fight wars over these things And that is greed, my macho-in-training, I was trying to be poetical, it's a metaphor. And you can't fight greed, because it's nature; Greed controls the government and church Money is what drives corruption. But hey, this is super depressing; Did you like films by a guy named Herzog? 90/I just the other day watched one. I'm not one in general for art flicks, They're just not my speed, but let me say, I learned an astounding amount about rubber. Also, are you hot?  It's pretty hot; I get that this is part of the eternal torment thing But you'd think that greed's domain would be cooler. Like, coins are made of metal, and cool to touch; But now I'm rambling, let us press forward I... I just was getting a little bored.' 100/We crossed the circle to the other bank, Near to a fount that boils, and pours itself Along a gully that runs out of it. The water was more sombre far than perse; And we, in company with the dusky waves, Made entrance downward by a path uncouth. A marsh it makes, which has the name of Styx, This tristful brooklet, when it has descended Down to the foot of the malign gray shores. And I, who stood intent upon beholding, 110/Saw people mud-besprent in that lagoon, All of them naked and with angry look. They smote each other not alone with hands, But with the head and with the breast and feet, Tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth. Said the good Master: 'What you're looking at Is those folks who were consumed with anger; REAL anger, not like we pretend in the ring Their anger is so blazing hot that even now It makes the very water down there bubble. 120/They writhe and spin and boil themselves. In this jacuzzi, they whine about their lot They can't take the heat, and unfortunately, They are not allowed to get out of the kitchen; So they sing a sad song. I don't know all the words, but it boils down to, 'Boy it's hot and we are sad, so sad, so sad.'' Thus we went circling round the filthy fen A great arc 'twixt the dry bank and the swamp, With eyes turned unto those who gorge the mire; 130/Unto the foot of a tower we came at last. !CANTO VIII. I say, continuing, that long before We to the foot of that high tower had come, Our eyes went upward to the summit of it, By reason of two flamelets we saw placed there, And from afar another answer them, So far, that hardly could the eye attain it. And, to the sea of all discernment turned, I said: 'What sayeth this, and what respondeth That other fire? and who are they that made it?' 10/And he to me: 'If you look out over the waves I figure you'll see what's going on If the view is clear, in any case.' Cord never shot an arrow from itself That sped away athwart the air so swift, As I beheld a very little boat Come o'er the water tow'rds us at that moment, Under the guidance of a single pilot, Who shouted, 'Now art thou arrived, fell soul?' 'Phlegyas, Phlegyas, thou criest out in vain 20/For this once,' said my Lord; 'thou shalt not have us Longer than in the passing of the slough.' As he who listens to some great deceit That has been done to him, and then resents it, Such became Phlegyas, in his gathered wrath. My Guide descended down into the boat, And then he made me enter after him, And only when I entered seemed it laden. Soon as the Guide and I were in the boat, The antique prow goes on its way, dividing 30/More of the water than 'tis wont with others. While we were running through the dead canal, Uprose in front of me one full of mire, And said, 'Who 'rt thou that comest ere the hour?' And I to him: 'Although I come, I stay not; But who art thou that hast become so squalid?' 'Thou seest that I am one who weeps,' he answered. And I to him: 'With weeping and with wailing, Thou spirit maledict, do thou remain; For thee I know, though thou art all defiled.' 40/Then stretched he both his hands unto the boat; Whereat my wary Master thrust him back, Saying, 'You stay in your place or I will end you.' Thereafter with his arms he clasped my neck; He kissed my face, and said: 'Disdainful soul, Blessed be she who bore thee in her bosom. That was an arrogant person in the world; Goodness is none, that decks his memory; So likewise here his shade is furious. How many are esteemed great kings up there, 50/Who here shall be like unto swine in mire, Leaving behind them horrible dispraises!' And I: 'My Master, much should I be pleased, If I could see him soused into this broth, Before we issue forth out of the lake.' And he to me: 'Just be patient man, We'll get there soon enough, you're like a child; Asking 'are we there yet' from the backseat.' A little after that, I saw such havoc Made of him by the people of the mire, 60/That still I praise and thank my God for it. They all were shouting, 'At Philippo Argenti!' And that exasperate spirit Florentine Turned round upon himself with his own teeth. We left him there, and more of him I tell not; But on mine ears there smote a lamentation, Whence forward I intent unbar mine eyes. And the good Master said: 'See that place? Dis city here is called Dis, get me? The people who live there are not macho.' 70/And I: 'Its mosques already, Master, clearly Within there in the valley I discern Vermilion, as if issuing from the fire They were.'  And he to me: 'You're in Hell, And given that Hell is both full of and on fire, That red stuff you see is... fire, idiot.' Then we arrived within the moats profound, That circumvallate that disconsolate city; The walls appeared to me to be of iron. Not without making first a circuit wide, 80/We came unto a place where loud the pilot Cried out to us, 'Debark, here is the entrance.' More than a thousand at the gates I saw Out of the Heavens rained down, who angrily Were saying, 'Who is this that without death Goes through the kingdom of the people dead?' And my sagacious Master made a sign Of wishing secretly to speak with them. A little then they quelled their great disdain, And said: 'Come thou alone, and he begone 90/Who has so boldly entered these dominions. Let him return alone by his mad road; Try, if he can; for thou shalt here remain, Who hast escorted him through such dark regions.' Think, Reader, if I was discomforted At utterance of the accursed words; For never to return here I believed. 'O my dear Guide, who more than seven times Hast rendered me security, and drawn me From imminent peril that before me stood, 100/Do not desert me,' said I, 'thus undone; And if the going farther be denied us, Let us retrace our steps together swiftly.' And that Lord, who had led me thitherward, Said unto me: 'Don't worry, I got you. God sent us so they can't refuse us. So just sit tight, watch the Macho Magic, Take a load off those barking dogs; I won't abandon you even if you're annoying.' So onward goes and there abandons me 110/My Father sweet, and I remain in doubt, For No and Yes within my head contend. I could not hear what he proposed to them; But with them there he did not linger long, Ere each within in rivalry ran back. They closed the portals, those our adversaries, On my Lord's breast, who had remained without And turned to me with footsteps far between. His eyes cast down, his forehead shorn had he Of all its boldness, and he said, with sighs, 120/'Who is it that has refused to let us in?' And unto me: 'I'm really angry now, But don't worry, I can still handle this, Their defenses are basically worthless. They're just acting tough, but it's no use; There's more than one way to skin a cat, And more than one way to enter into Dis. Look around for a stick, or maybe a bomb; We're going to knock these walls down, And march over the corpses of these demons, 130/That is how the city shall be opened.' !CANTO IX. That hue which cowardice brought out on me, Beholding my Conductor backward turn, Sooner repressed within him his new colour. He stopped attentive, like a man who listens, Because the eye could not conduct him far Through the black air, and through the heavy fog. 'We probably should win this fight,' Began he; 'or else, uh. . . Let's just not think about that!' 10/Well I perceived, as soon as the beginning He covered up with what came afterward, That they were words quite different from the first; But none the less his saying gave me fear, Because I carried out the broken phrase, Perhaps to a worse meaning than he had. 'Into this bottom of the doleful conch Doth any e'er descend from the first grade, Which for its pain has only hope cut off?' This question put I; and he answered me: 20/'Nobody really comes this way, So honestly it's really hard to say. A while back I was summoned here By some shitty wizard named Eric, Who necromancy'd me against my will. Though I hadn't been dead for very long, He sent me on a bogus quest for nachos, literal nachos, not some catchphrase joke; Down there into the lowest circle of all, The furthest from heaven you can get. 30/Anyway, that's where we're going. The swamp that we're in now, Is entirely surrounding the city, Remember, the one we can't get into.' And more he said, but not in mind I have it; Because mine eye had altogether drawn me Tow'rds the high tower with the red-flaming summit, Where in a moment saw I swift uprisen The three infernal Furies stained with blood, Who had the limbs of women and their mien, 40/And with the greenest hydras were begirt; Small serpents and cerastes were their tresses, Wherewith their horrid temples were entwined. And he who well the handmaids of the Queen Of everlasting lamentation knew, Said unto me: 'Check out those bird-ladies. On the left is one named Ozzy; On the right we have one named Flea; And in the middle Slash;' and then was silent. Each one her breast was rending with her nails; 50/They beat them with their palms, and cried so loud, That I for dread pressed close unto the Poet. 'Medusa come, so we to stone will change him!' All shouted looking down; 'in evil hour Avenged we not on Theseus his assault!' 'Oh yeah, you know about Medusa right? Just close your eyes, bumble around blindly, Because if you see her it's game over, man.' Thus said the Master; and he turned me round Himself, and trusted not unto my hands 60/So far as not to blind me with his own. O ye who have undistempered intellects, Observe the doctrine that conceals itself Beneath the veil of the mysterious verses! And now there came across the turbid waves The clangour of a sound with terror fraught, Because of which both of the margins trembled; Not otherwise it was than of a wind Impetuous on account of adverse heats, That smites the forest, and, without restraint, 70/The branches rends, beats down, and bears away; Right onward, laden with dust, it goes superb, And puts to flight the wild beasts and the shepherds. Mine eyes he loosed, and said: 'Yo, look over there that foamy bit down the river can you see? Over there where it's super smokey.' Even as the frogs before the hostile serpent Across the water scatter all abroad, Until each one is huddled in the earth. More than a thousand ruined souls I saw, 80/Thus fleeing from before one who on foot Was passing o'er the Styx with soles unwet. From off his face he fanned that unctuous air, Waving his left hand oft in front of him, And only with that anguish seemed he weary. Well I perceived one sent from Heaven was he, And to the Master turned; and he made sign That I should quiet stand, and bow before him. Ah! how disdainful he appeared to me! He reached the gate, and with a little rod 90/He opened it, for there was no resistance. 'Hey all you hated people who couldn't get into heaven!' Thus he began upon the horrid threshold; 'What makes you act so arrogant? Don't you know you should be humble, Isn't bad behavior what placed you here? Don't you ever learn that being bad is bad? You know that struggling is pointless right? It's literally impossible to escape from Hell, So why not chill, shoot some hoops or something?' 100/Then he returned along the miry road, And spake no word to us, but had the look Of one whom other care constrains and goads Than that of him who in his presence is; And we our feet directed tow'rds the city, After those holy words all confident. Within we entered without any contest; And I, who inclination had to see What the condition such a fortress holds, Soon as I was within, cast round mine eye, 110/And see on every hand an ample plain, Full of distress and torment terrible. Even as at Arles, where stagnant grows the Rhone, Even as at Pola near to the Quarnaro, That shuts in Italy and bathes its borders, The sepulchres make all the place uneven; So likewise did they there on every side, Saving that there the manner was more bitter; For flames between the sepulchres were scattered, By which they so intensely heated were, 120/That iron more so asks not any art. All of their coverings uplifted were, And from them issued forth such dire laments, Sooth seemed they of the wretched and tormented. And I: 'My Master, what are all those people Who, having sepulture within those tombs, Make themselves audible by doleful sighs?' And he to me: 'Those are the Heresiarchs, And their disciples, dressed in pink. A bunch more are napping in the crypts. 130/A lot of folks here spent their time sleeping; It's awfully hot and it helps to pass the time.' And when he to the right had turned, we passed Between the torments and high parapets. !CANTO X. Now onward goes, along a narrow path Between the torments and the city wall, My Master, and I follow at his back. 'O power supreme, that through these impious circles Turnest me,' I began, 'as pleases thee, Speak to me, and my longings satisfy; The people who are lying in these tombs, Might they be seen? already are uplifted The covers all, and no one keepeth guard.' 10/And he to me: 'Everything will close. Remember the Book of Revelations? The dead are going to rise someday. The seas will churn, and turn to blood Like some heavy metal album cover, There's a dragon too, it's awesome; But as for your question right now, You'll see the answer soon enough, And wish you hadn't asked at all.' And I: 'Good Leader, I but keep concealed 20/From thee my heart, that I may speak the less, Nor only now hast thou thereto disposed me.' 'Buddy, we went through a flaming city. You made it through alive, no mean feat. So chill a bit, and see what is coming up. I can tell by the way that you talk That you and I share a fatherland, and maybe I've razzed you a bit too much.' Upon a sudden issued forth this sound From out one of the tombs; wherefore I pressed, 30/Fearing, a little nearer to my Leader. And unto me he said: 'What are you doing? Look over there at Farinata the zombie; Sticking out from the waist up.' I had already fixed mine eyes on his, And he uprose erect with breast and front E'en as if Hell he had in great despite. And with courageous hands and prompt my Leader Thrust me between the sepulchres towards him, Exclaiming, 'Go talk to him dude!' 40/As soon as I was at the foot of his tomb Somewhat he eyed me, and, as if disdainful, Then asked of me, 'Who were thine ancestors?' I, who desirous of obeying was, Concealed it not, but all revealed to him; Whereat he raised his brows a little upward. Then said he: 'Fiercely adverse have they been To me, and to my fathers, and my party; So that two several times I scattered them.' 'If they were banished, they returned on all sides,' 50/I answered him, 'the first time and the second; But yours have not acquired that art aright.' Then there uprose upon the sight, uncovered Down to the chin, a shadow at his side; I think that he had risen on his knees. Round me he gazed, as if solicitude He had to see if some one else were with me, But after his suspicion was all spent, Weeping, he said to me: 'If through this blind Prison thou goest by loftiness of genius, 60/Where is my son? and why is he not with thee?' And I to him: 'I come not of myself; He who is waiting yonder leads me here, Whom in disdain perhaps your Guido had.' His language and the mode of punishment Already unto me had read his name; On that account my answer was so full. Up starting suddenly, he cried out: 'How Saidst thou,--he had?  Is he not still alive? Does not the sweet light strike upon his eyes?' 70/When he became aware of some delay, Which I before my answer made, supine He fell again, and forth appeared no more. But the other, magnanimous, at whose desire I had remained, did not his aspect change, Neither his neck he moved, nor bent his side. 'And if,' continuing his first discourse, 'They have that art,' he said, 'not learned aright, That more tormenteth me, than doth this bed. But fifty times shall not rekindled be 80/The countenance of the Lady who reigns here, Ere thou shalt know how heavy is that art; And as thou wouldst to the sweet world return, Say why that people is so pitiless Against my race in each one of its laws?' Whence I to him: 'The slaughter and great carnage Which have with crimson stained the Arbia, cause Such orisons in our temple to be made.' After his head he with a sigh had shaken, 'There I was not alone,' he said, 'nor surely 90/Without a cause had with the others moved. But there I was alone, where every one Consented to the laying waste of Florence, He who defended her with open face.' 'Ah! so hereafter may your seed repose,' I him entreated, 'solve for me that knot, Which has entangled my conceptions here. It seems that you can see, if I hear rightly, Beforehand whatsoe'er time brings with it, And in the present have another mode.' 100/'We see, like those who have imperfect sight, The things,' he said, 'that distant are from us; So much still shines on us the Sovereign Ruler. When they draw near, or are, is wholly vain Our intellect, and if none brings it to us, Not anything know we of your human state. Hence thou canst understand, that wholly dead Will be our knowledge from the moment when The portal of the future shall be closed.' Then I, as if compunctious for my fault, 110/Said: 'Now, then, you will tell that fallen one, That still his son is with the living joined. And if just now, in answering, I was dumb, Tell him I did it because I was thinking Already of the error you have solved me.' And now my Master was recalling me, Wherefore more eagerly I prayed the spirit That he would tell me who was with him there. He said: 'With more than a thousand here I lie; Within here is the second Frederick, 120/And the Cardinal, and of the rest I speak not.' Thereon he hid himself; and I towards The ancient poet turned my steps, reflecting Upon that saying, which seemed hostile to me. He moved along; and afterward thus going, He said to me, 'Why are you confused?' And I in his inquiry satisfied him. 'Let your experience here help you, against yourself,' that Sage commanded me, 'And now listen up;' and he raised his finger. 130/'When we finally reach your hot mama That lady so fine that the angels swoon, From her you'll learn all about your own life.' Unto the left hand then he turned his feet; We left the wall, and went towards the middle, Along a path that strikes into a valley, Which even up there unpleasant made its stench. !CANTO XI. Upon the margin of a lofty bank Which great rocks broken in a circle made, We came upon a still more cruel throng; And there, by reason of the horrible Excess of stench the deep abyss throws out, We drew ourselves aside behind the cover Of a great tomb, whereon I saw a writing, Which said: 'Pope Anastasius I hold, Whom out of the right way Photinus drew.' 10/'Now's the time to take it slow, It's not very macho, but so it goes Otherwise we may fall and look silly.' The Master thus; and unto him I said, 'Some compensation find, that the time pass not Idly;' and he: 'You really know nothing. Check out these rocks here, they're gnarly,' Began he then to say, 'inside are three small circles, Sort of like the circles that we're leaving now. They're full of damned souls of course; 20/And soon enough you'll see for youself, And hear their super annoying LAME-O whining. They've done basically every bad thing, You name it and they've done it probably, They lie and cheat and steal and sing. The ones up here in particular are the liars, Only humans lie so God hates liars the most, It's one of the least macho things you can do. The first circle was the violent of course; But lots of creatures can hit a dude, 30/Heck even I, the Nacho Man, have done so. And God himself uses force on stuff, Smiting a particularly sinful tree, Hurling a lightning bolt and a crab. You can die by violence, or kill, Or do all sorts of gnarly things to a guy Ruin, and arson, and straight-up punching; Homicide, patricide, fratricide, and so forth, Marauders, and freebooters, everything, They're all condemned to one circle or another. 40/Heck you can even inflict violence on yourself In more ways than one if you know what I mean And that might get you punished as well Basically never lay a hand on anybody Without their consent, or permission, Otherwise maybe you'll burn forever. Violence can even be done to God, Saying rude stuff about him, calling names, Littering or messing up nature. In fact, by some measure it can be said 50/Literally any action is violent to somebody, But liars do violence with words alone. That is why those who commit fraud, Those who decieve and hoodwink others, Are probably folks you should not trust. They have cut themselves off from the macho, Nature abhors their cunning ways. The second circle is similar of course, Hypocrisy, flattery, and sweet wizards, Falsification, theft, and puppyhaters, 60/Panders, and barrators, and the like filth. They've forgotten things to love in life, Nature's bounty, a plate of nachos, All good things from which rad feelings flow. But it is in this circle, the smallest part Of the Universe, where Dis is located, That the betrayers and backstabbers are.' And I: 'My Master, clear enough proceeds Thy reasoning, and full well distinguishes This cavern and the people who possess it. 70/But tell me, those within the fat lagoon, Whom the wind drives, and whom the rain doth beat, And who encounter with such bitter tongues, Wherefore are they inside of the red city Not punished, if God has them in his wrath, And if he has not, wherefore in such fashion?' And unto me he said: 'Come on bro, Why do you keep asking these things? Were you not listening to me at all? Don't you have any memory whatsoever 80/Of all the unethical things that exist and which heaven itself hold as uncool?-- Incontinence, and Malice, and insane Bestiality? and how Incontinence Makes you smell bad, and makes a big mess? If you think about it for a second, And remember who are trapped in this place Those doing penance for their misdeeds, Surely you'll understand why they're apart Why their sentences are slightly less painful 90/How Justice has seen to show a bit of mercy.' 'Praise the sun!  For it shines upon those, Whom you claim to be confused by, no doubt Having not even bothered to look behind us! Once more a little backward turn thee,' said I, 'There where thou sayest that usury offends Goodness divine, and disengage the knot.' 'Think about it,' he said, 'Use your head, Consider the ways in which one might sin, And how Nature might deal with you, 100/There are a few types of sins; Did you ever have physics in school, And looking through a lame-o textbook, Determine that everything you knew Was total bogus, entirely worthless; Such that you just dropped the class? Try and stir up that feeling Only think about, I dunno, Eden, The sort of sins that were commited; And whether or not blame is assigned, 110/Or maybe like, read Paradise Lost? It's written a few centuries after you die. Anyway, we don't have all day, We don't need to move slowly anymore, So let's pick up the pace a bit, yes? Let's do a sweet trick off this crag here.' !CANTO XII. The place where to descend the bank we came Was alpine, and from what was there, moreover, Of such a kind that every eye would shun it. Such as that ruin is which in the flank Smote, on this side of Trent, the Adige, Either by earthquake or by failing stay, For from the mountain's top, from which it moved, Unto the plain the cliff is shattered so, Some path 'twould give to him who was above; 10/Even such was the descent of that ravine, And on the border of the broken chasm The infamy of Crete was stretched along, Who was conceived in the fictitious cow; And when he us beheld, he bit himself, Even as one whom anger racks within. My Sage towards him shouted: 'Is it possible That you think the Duke of Athens is here, Who killed you right good long ago? Get your ugly self out of here, loser. 20/Else I say something rude about your sister And then I'll point and laugh at you.' As is that bull who breaks loose at the moment In which he has received the mortal blow, Who cannot walk, but staggers here and there, The Minotaur beheld I do the like; And he, the wary, cried: 'Run to the passage; While he wroth, 'tis well thou shouldst descend.' Thus down we took our way o'er that discharge Of stones, which oftentimes did move themselves 30/Beneath my feet, from the unwonted burden. Thoughtful I went; and he said: 'You're thinking About how I totally owned that stupid bullman And how he ran crying before my machoness. Let me tell you this: the last time I came through this part of Hell, This bit hadn't collapsed yet. And I saw the minotaur dressed up nicely Leaving his day job in Dis, coming home Ready to spend the evening with his family, 40/And I thought maybe he's just like us Just doing his day job being an evil demon And comes home to a loving household at night But then I realize no that's stupid; He's a crazy bullman with doofy cow horns And basically nothing makes that not awful. Anyway, look at that sweet river down there, It's a river of blood! Super macho! The folks swimming in it hurt other people.' O blind cupidity, O wrath insane, 50/That spurs us onward so in our short life, And in the eternal then so badly steeps us! I saw an ample moat bent like a bow, As one which all the plain encompasses, Conformable to what my Guide had said. And between this and the embankment's foot Centaurs in file were running, armed with arrows, As in the world they used the chase to follow. Beholding us descend, each one stood still, And from the squadron three detached themselves, 60/With bows and arrows in advance selected; And from afar one cried: 'Unto what torment Come ye, who down the hillside are descending? Tell us from there; if not, I draw the bow.' My Master said: 'We ain't telling you nothin' We talk to Chrion and nobody but him. Cry about if if you can't handle it.' Then touched he me, and said: 'That guy is Nessus, Who died for the lovely Dejanira, And took some really gnarly revenge. 70/And over there through the blood-mist, You can see Chiron; who trained Achilles And Pholus who is known for his bad temper. Thousands of demons stand around the river Any time a soul tries to escape the blood They plug him full of arrows! Ka-pow! Wham!' Near we approached unto those monsters fleet; Chiron an arrow took, and with the notch Backward upon his jaws he put his beard. After he had uncovered his great mouth, 80/He said to his companions: 'Are you ware That he behind moveth whate'er he touches? Thus are not wont to do the feet of dead men.' And my good Guide, who now was at his breast, Where the two natures are together joined, Replied: 'He's alive, it is true And it is my job to take him through Hell. This is no pleasure cruise let me tell you. We're on a mission from God, as it were, I've got this task direct rom upstairs; 90/So we're just going to keep on rolling. But while I have your attention, let me ask Given the macho nature of our mission, And the fact that we have to get through, Could you lend us one of your centaurs, Who can let us ride on his back; This guy isn't a ghost and can't float.' Upon his right breast Chiron wheeled about, And said to Nessus: 'Turn and do thou guide them, And warn aside, if other band may meet you.' 100/We with our faithful escort onward moved Along the brink of the vermilion boiling, Wherein the boiled were uttering loud laments. People I saw within up to the eyebrows, And the great Centaur said: 'Tyrants are these, Who dealt in bloodshed and in pillaging. Here they lament their pitiless mischiefs; here Is Alexander, and fierce Dionysius Who upon Sicily brought dolorous years. That forehead there which has the hair so black 110/Is Azzolin; and the other who is blond, Obizzo is of Esti, who, in truth, Up in the world was by his stepson slain.' Then turned I to the Poet; and he said, 'I have no idea what any of that meant.' A little farther on the Centaur stopped Above a folk, who far down as the throat Seemed from that boiling stream to issue forth. A shade he showed us on one side alone, Saying: 'He cleft asunder in God's bosom 120/The heart that still upon the Thames is honoured.' Then people saw I, who from out the river Lifted their heads and also all the chest; And many among these I recognised. Thus ever more and more grew shallower That blood, so that the feet alone it covered; And there across the moat our passage was. 'Even as thou here upon this side beholdest The boiling stream, that aye diminishes,' The Centaur said, 'I wish thee to believe 130/That on this other more and more declines Its bed, until it reunites itself Where it behoveth tyranny to groan. Justice divine, upon this side, is goading That Attila, who was a scourge on earth, And Pyrrhus, and Sextus; and for ever milks The tears which with the boiling it unseals In Rinier da Corneto and Rinier Pazzo, Who made upon the highways so much war.' Then back he turned, and passed again the ford. !CANTO XIII. Not yet had Nessus reached the other side, When we had put ourselves within a wood, That was not marked by any path whatever. Not foliage green, but of a dusky colour, Not branches smooth, but gnarled and intertangled, Not apple-trees were there, but thorns with poison. Such tangled thickets have not, nor so dense, Those savage wild beasts, that in hatred hold 'Twixt Cecina and Corneto the tilled places. 10/There do the hideous Harpies make their nests, Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades, With sad announcement of impending doom; Broad wings have they, and necks and faces human, And feet with claws, and their great bellies fledged; They make laments upon the wondrous trees. And the good Master: 'Before we go further, I want to let you know we're in the second round,' Thus he began to say, 'and will be, until We get to the Beach of Gross Sand Crud; 20/As we go, look to your sides and you'll see The proof, if you doubt my macho words.' I heard on all sides lamentations uttered, And person none beheld I who might make them, Whence, utterly bewildered, I stood still. I think he thought that I perhaps might think So many voices issued through those trunks From people who concealed themselves from us; Therefore the Master said: 'Why not break off A little bit of a tree to satisfy yourself? 30/Plants don't feel pain, right?  Probably.' Then stretched I forth my hand a little forward, And plucked a branchlet off from a great thorn; And the trunk cried, 'Why dost thou mangle me?' After it had become embrowned with blood, It recommenced its cry: 'Why dost thou rend me? Hast thou no spirit of pity whatsoever? Men once we were, and now are changed to trees; Indeed, thy hand should be more pitiful, Even if the souls of serpents we had been.' 40/As out of a green brand, that is on fire At one of the ends, and from the other drips And hisses with the wind that is escaping; So from that splinter issued forth together Both words and blood; whereat I let the tip Fall, and stood like a man who is afraid. 'Oh man, you fell for it, what a dope!' My Sage made answer, 'Hey tree buddy, This joker has no idea where he is, And so I decided to prank him at your expense; 50/Sorry 'bout that, but it was SO MACHO! Why don't you tell him who you are? That way when he leaves for the living world, Maybe he can tell your ex-wife or something That he saw you here, and she'll laugh.' And the trunk said: 'So thy sweet words allure me, I cannot silent be; and you be vexed not, That I a little to discourse am tempted. I am the one who both keys had in keeping Of Frederick's heart, and turned them to and fro 60/So softly in unlocking and in locking, That from his secrets most men I withheld; Fidelity I bore the glorious office So great, I lost thereby my sleep and pulses. The courtesan who never from the dwelling Of Caesar turned aside her strumpet eyes, Death universal and the vice of courts, Inflamed against me all the other minds, And they, inflamed, did so inflame Augustus, That my glad honours turned to dismal mournings. 70/My spirit, in disdainful exultation, Thinking by dying to escape disdain, Made me unjust against myself, the just. I, by the roots unwonted of this wood, Do swear to you that never broke I faith Unto my lord, who was so worthy of honour; And to the world if one of you return, Let him my memory comfort, which is lying Still prostrate from the blow that envy dealt it.' Waited awhile, and then: 'If you want to know more,' 80/The Poet said to me, 'don't waste time, We don't have all day so ask him now.' Whence I to him: 'Do thou again inquire Concerning what thou thinks't will satisfy me; For I cannot, such pity is in my heart.' Therefore he recommenced: 'So may the man Do for thee freely what thy speech implores, Spirit incarcerate, again be pleased To tell us in what way the soul is bound Within these knots; and tell us, if thou canst, 90/If any from such members e'er is freed.' Then blew the trunk amain, and afterward The wind was into such a voice converted: 'With brevity shall be replied to you. When the exasperated soul abandons The body whence it rent itself away, Minos consigns it to the seventh abyss. It falls into the forest, and no part Is chosen for it; but where Fortune hurls it, There like a grain of spelt it germinates. 100/It springs a sapling, and a forest tree; The Harpies, feeding then upon its leaves, Do pain create, and for the pain an outlet. Like others for our spoils shall we return; But not that any one may them revest, For 'tis not just to have what one casts off. Here we shall drag them, and along the dismal Forest our bodies shall suspended be, Each to the thorn of his molested shade.' We were attentive still unto the trunk, 110/Thinking that more it yet might wish to tell us, When by a tumult we were overtaken, In the same way as he is who perceives The boar and chase approaching to his stand, Who hears the crashing of the beasts and branches; And two behold! upon our left-hand side, Naked and scratched, fleeing so furiously, That of the forest, every fan they broke. He who was in advance: 'Now help, Death, help!' And the other one, who seemed to lag too much, 120/Was shouting: 'Lano, were not so alert Those legs of thine at joustings of the Toppo!' And then, perchance because his breath was failing, He grouped himself together with a bush. Behind them was the forest full of black She-mastiffs, ravenous, and swift of foot As greyhounds, who are issuing from the chain. On him who had crouched down they set their teeth, And him they lacerated piece by piece, Thereafter bore away those aching members. 130/Thereat my Escort took me by the hand, And led me to the bush, that all in vain Was weeping from its bloody lacerations. 'O Jacopo,' it said, 'of Sant' Andrea, What helped it thee of me to make a screen? What blame have I in thy nefarious life?' When near him had the Master stayed his steps, He said: 'Hey Bush Buddy, tell us a story What was your life like?  We're curious.' And he to us: 'O souls, that hither come 140/To look upon the shameful massacre That has so rent away from me my leaves, Gather them up beneath the dismal bush; I of that city was which to the Baptist Changed its first patron, wherefore he for this Forever with his art will make it sad. And were it not that on the pass of Arno Some glimpses of him are remaining still, Those citizens, who afterwards rebuilt it Upon the ashes left by Attila, 150/In vain had caused their labour to be done. Of my own house I made myself a gibbet.' !CANTO XIV. Because the charity of my native place Constrained me, gathered I the scattered leaves, And gave them back to him, who now was hoarse. Then came we to the confine, where disparted The second round is from the third, and where A horrible form of Justice is beheld. Clearly to manifest these novel things, I say that we arrived upon a plain, Which from its bed rejecteth every plant; 10/The dolorous forest is a garland to it All round about, as the sad moat to that; There close upon the edge we stayed our feet. The soil was of an arid and thick sand, Not of another fashion made than that Which by the feet of Cato once was pressed. Vengeance of God, O how much oughtest thou By each one to be dreaded, who doth read That which was manifest unto mine eyes! Of naked souls beheld I many herds, 20/Who all were weeping very miserably, And over them seemed set a law diverse. Supine upon the ground some folk were lying; And some were sitting all drawn up together, And others went about continually. Those who were going round were far the more, And those were less who lay down to their torment, But had their tongues more loosed to lamentation. O'er all the sand-waste, with a gradual fall, Were raining down dilated flakes of fire, 30/As of the snow on Alp without a wind. As Alexander, in those torrid parts Of India, beheld upon his host Flames fall unbroken till they reached the ground. Whence he provided with his phalanxes To trample down the soil, because the vapour Better extinguished was while it was single; Thus was descending the eternal heat, Whereby the sand was set on fire, like tinder Beneath the steel, for doubling of the dole. 40/Without repose forever was the dance Of miserable hands, now there, now here, Shaking away from off them the fresh gleeds. 'Master,' began I, 'thou who overcomest All things except the demons dire, that issued Against us at the entrance of the gate, Who is that mighty one who seems to heed not The fire, and lieth lowering and disdainful, So that the rain seems not to ripen him?' And he himself, who had become aware 50/That I was questioning my Guide about him, Cried: 'Such as I was living, am I, dead. If Jove should weary out his smith, from whom He seized in anger the sharp thunderbolt, Wherewith upon the last day I was smitten, And if he wearied out by turns the others In Mongibello at the swarthy forge, Vociferating, 'Help, good Vulcan, help!' Even as he did there at the fight of Phlegra, And shot his bolts at me with all his might, 60/He would not have thereby a joyous vengeance.' Then did my Leader speak with such great force, That I had never heard him speak so loud: 'Yo Capaneus, aren't you aware that Your arrogance increases your punishment;? The only thing making you miserable, Is yourself.  Chill out bro!' Then he turned round to me with better lip, Saying: 'This un-macho rage man here Was one of seven kings who beseged Thebes 70/And also he seems to hate God for some reason; The only reason he's here is his doing If he calmed down he could walk on out. Now follow me, but step lightly here Don't let your feet touch the grody sand, Stay close to the woods, understand?' Speaking no word, we came to where there gushes Forth from the wood a little rivulet, Whose redness makes my hair still stand on end. As from the Bulicame springs the brooklet, 80/The sinful women later share among them, So downward through the sand it went its way. The bottom of it, and both sloping banks, Were made of stone, and the margins at the side; Whence I perceived that there the passage was. 'Out of everything we've seen so far Since we began this hellish vacation Has been pretty gnarly, you'll agree But feast your eyes on this fire-water Nothing is as rad as this here river, 90/With the flames dancing on the surface.' These words were of my Leader; whence I prayed him That he would give me largess of the food, For which he had given me largess of desire. 'Back on Earth there is this island,' Said he thereafterward, 'It's called Crete, And the king there kept his world boring. On Crete there's this huge old mountain There are streams and forests and nature stuff. Nobody lives there, but it's pretty okay. 100/The Greeks believed that a goddess gave birth And hid her son on that island, which I guess Makes sense because babies are loud and all. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this It doesn't have very much to do with the river, But it somehow seemed like the right thing. Say, did you know that some guy back on Earth, Made a video game where I'm a dragon? It's awesome!  I can breath fire and fly. Did you bring any food with you at all? 110/Ghosts can't really eat you understand, But it's been so long since I snapped Into a Slim Jim that I kinda was hoping Maybe you had one in your pocket somewhere, And could just pass it through me a bit So that I can absorb some of the essence. That's how ghosts eat, like this you see; Watch 1995's 'Casper', it's in there. Anyway, this river flows down through Hell. Eventually it will go to the very bottom 120/But you'll see where, we're going there.' And I to him: 'If so the present runnel Doth take its rise in this way from our world, Why only on this verge appears it to us?' And he to me: 'You know that Hell is circular, We've come a long way but not long enough, There's still a long way yet to go, We haven't made it quite to the end yet. So if you've been surprised by the sights, Let me say: You ain't seen nothing yet.' 130/And I again: 'Master, where shall be found Lethe and Phlegethon, for of one thou'rt silent, And sayest the other of this rain is made?' 'I said nothing of the sort, you buffoon!' Replied he; 'but to answer your question, If you look at the water you might know. See the water there? That's the Lethe, Sometimes the souls of the punished bathe And forget why they're here.  It sucks.' Then said he: 'Alright that's enough for now 140/Tourism time is over, we have a schedule; Let's go this way, follow me across, I want to get out of this stupid forest.' !CANTO XV. Now bears us onward one of the hard margins, And so the brooklet's mist o'ershadows it, From fire it saves the water and the dikes. Even as the Flemings, 'twixt Cadsand and Bruges, Fearing the flood that tow'rds them hurls itself, Their bulwarks build to put the sea to flight; And as the Paduans along the Brenta, To guard their villas and their villages, Or ever Chiarentana feel the heat; 10/In such similitude had those been made, Albeit not so lofty nor so thick, Whoever he might be, the master made them. Now were we from the forest so remote, I could not have discovered where it was, Even if backward I had turned myself, When we a company of souls encountered, Who came beside the dike, and every one Gazed at us, as at evening we are wont To eye each other under a new moon, 20/And so towards us sharpened they their brows As an old tailor at the needle's eye. Thus scrutinised by such a family, By some one I was recognised, who seized My garment's hem, and cried out, 'What a marvel!' And I, when he stretched forth his arm to me, On his baked aspect fastened so mine eyes, That the scorched countenance prevented not His recognition by my intellect; And bowing down my face unto his own, 30/I made reply, 'Are you here, Ser Brunetto?' And he: 'May't not displease thee, O my son, If a brief space with thee Brunetto Latini Backward return and let the trail go on.' I said to him: 'With all my power I ask it; And if you wish me to sit down with you, I will, if he please, for I go with him.' 'O son,' he said, 'whoever of this herd A moment stops, lies then a hundred years, Nor fans himself when smiteth him the fire. 40/Therefore go on; I at thy skirts will come, And afterward will I rejoin my band, Which goes lamenting its eternal doom.' I did not dare to go down from the road Level to walk with him; but my head bowed I held as one who goeth reverently. And he began: 'What fortune or what fate Before the last day leadeth thee down here? And who is this that showeth thee the way?' 'Up there above us in the life serene,' 50/I answered him, 'I lost me in a valley, Or ever yet my age had been completed. But yestermorn I turned my back upon it; This one appeared to me, returning thither, And homeward leadeth me along this road.' And he to me: 'If thou thy star do follow, Thou canst not fail thee of a glorious port, If well I judged in the life beautiful. And if I had not died so prematurely, Seeing Heaven thus benignant unto thee, 60/I would have given thee comfort in the work. But that ungrateful and malignant people, Which of old time from Fesole descended, And smacks still of the mountain and the granite, Will make itself, for thy good deeds, thy foe; And it is right; for among crabbed sorbs It ill befits the sweet fig to bear fruit. Old rumour in the world proclaims them blind; A people avaricious, envious, proud; Take heed that of their customs thou do cleanse thee. 70/Thy fortune so much honour doth reserve thee, One party and the other shall be hungry For thee; but far from goat shall be the grass. Their litter let the beasts of Fesole Make of themselves, nor let them touch the plant, If any still upon their dunghill rise, In which may yet revive the consecrated Seed of those Romans, who remained there when The nest of such great malice it became.' 'If my entreaty wholly were fulfilled,' 80/Replied I to him, 'not yet would you be In banishment from human nature placed; For in my mind is fixed, and touches now My heart the dear and good paternal image Of you, when in the world from hour to hour You taught me how a man becomes eternal; And how much I am grateful, while I live Behoves that in my language be discerned. What you narrate of my career I write, And keep it to be glossed with other text 90/By a Lady who can do it, if I reach her. This much will I have manifest to you; Provided that my conscience do not chide me, For whatsoever Fortune I am ready. Such handsel is not new unto mine ears; Therefore let Fortune turn her wheel around As it may please her, and the churl his mattock.' My Master thereupon on his right cheek Did backward turn himself, and looked at me; Then said: 'Man, what a downer!' 100/Nor speaking less on that account, I go With Ser Brunetto, and I ask who are His most known and most eminent companions. And he to me: 'To know of some is well; Of others it were laudable to be silent, For short would be the time for so much speech. Know them in sum, that all of them were clerks, And men of letters great and of great fame, In the world tainted with the selfsame sin. Priscian goes yonder with that wretched crowd, 110/And Francis of Accorso; and thou hadst seen there If thou hadst had a hankering for such scurf, That one, who by the Servant of the Servants From Arno was transferred to Bacchiglione, Where he has left his sin-excited nerves. More would I say, but coming and discoursing Can be no longer; for that I behold New smoke uprising yonder from the sand. A people comes with whom I may not be; Commended unto thee be my Tesoro, 120/In which I still live, and no more I ask.' Then he turned round, and seemed to be of those Who at Verona run for the Green Mantle Across the plain; and seemed to be among them The one who wins, and not the one who loses. !CANTO XVI. Now was I where was heard the reverberation Of water falling into the next round, Like to that humming which the beehives make, When shadows three together started forth, Running, from out a company that passed Beneath the rain of the sharp martyrdom. Towards us came they, and each one cried out: 'Stop, thou; for by thy garb to us thou seemest To be some one of our depraved city.' 10/Ah me! what wounds I saw upon their limbs, Recent and ancient by the flames burnt in! It pains me still but to remember it. Unto their cries my Teacher paused attentive; He turned his face towards me, and 'Now wait,' He said; 'We need to be nice to these guys. If it weren't for the fact that we're in Hell Which is inherently a bad place to be I'd say that they're swell dudes really.' As soon as we stood still, they recommenced 20/The old refrain, and when they overtook us, Formed of themselves a wheel, all three of them. As champions stripped and oiled are wont to do, Watching for their advantage and their hold, Before they come to blows and thrusts between them, Thus, wheeling round, did every one his visage Direct to me, so that in opposite wise His neck and feet continual journey made. And, 'If the misery of this soft place Bring in disdain ourselves and our entreaties,' 30/Began one, 'and our aspect black and blistered, Let the renown of us thy mind incline To tell us who thou art, who thus securely Thy living feet dost move along through Hell. He in whose footprints thou dost see me treading, Naked and skinless though he now may go, Was of a greater rank than thou dost think; He was the grandson of the good Gualdrada; His name was Guidoguerra, and in life Much did he with his wisdom and his sword. 40/The other, who close by me treads the sand, Tegghiaio Aldobrandi is, whose fame Above there in the world should welcome be. And I, who with them on the cross am placed, Jacopo Rusticucci was; and truly My savage wife, more than aught else, doth harm me.' Could I have been protected from the fire, Below I should have thrown myself among them, And think the Teacher would have suffered it; But as I should have burned and baked myself, 50/My terror overmastered my good will, Which made me greedy of embracing them. Then I began: 'Sorrow and not disdain Did your condition fix within me so, That tardily it wholly is stripped off, As soon as this my Lord said unto me Words, on account of which I thought within me That people such as you are were approaching. I of your city am; and evermore Your labours and your honourable names 60/I with affection have retraced and heard. I leave the gall, and go for the sweet fruits Promised to me by the veracious Leader; But to the centre first I needs must plunge.' 'So may the soul for a long while conduct Those limbs of thine,' did he make answer then, 'And so may thy renown shine after thee, Valour and courtesy, say if they dwell Within our city, as they used to do, Or if they wholly have gone out of it; 70/For Guglielmo Borsier, who is in torment With us of late, and goes there with his comrades, Doth greatly mortify us with his words.' 'The new inhabitants and the sudden gains, Pride and extravagance have in thee engendered, Florence, so that thou weep'st thereat already!' In this wise I exclaimed with face uplifted; And the three, taking that for my reply, Looked at each other, as one looks at truth. 'If other times so little it doth cost thee,' 80/Replied they all, 'to satisfy another, Happy art thou, thus speaking at thy will! Therefore, if thou escape from these dark places, And come to rebehold the beauteous stars, When it shall pleasure thee to say, 'I was,' See that thou speak of us unto the people.' Then they broke up the wheel, and in their flight It seemed as if their agile legs were wings. Not an Amen could possibly be said So rapidly as they had disappeared; 90/Wherefore the Master deemed best to depart. I followed him, and little had we gone, Before the sound of water was so near us, That speaking we should hardly have been heard. Even as that stream which holdeth its own course The first from Monte Veso tow'rds the East, Upon the left-hand slope of Apennine, Which is above called Acquacheta, ere It down descendeth into its low bed, And at Forli is vacant of that name, 100/Reverberates there above San Benedetto From Alps, by falling at a single leap, Where for a thousand there were room enough; Thus downward from a bank precipitate, We found resounding that dark-tinted water, So that it soon the ear would have offended. I had a cord around about me girt, And therewithal I whilom had designed To take the panther with the painted skin. After I this had all from me unloosed, 110/As my Conductor had commanded me, I reached it to him, gathered up and coiled, Whereat he turned himself to the right side, And at a little distance from the verge, He cast it down into that deep abyss. 'It must needs be some novelty respond,' I said within myself, 'to the new signal The Master with his eye is following so.' Ah me! how very cautious men should be With those who not alone behold the act, 120/But with their wisdom look into the thoughts! He said to me: 'Soon what I'm waiting for Will show up here, and your curiosity Might be satisfied, for a while.' Aye to that truth which has the face of falsehood, A man should close his lips as far as may be, Because without his fault it causes shame; But here I cannot; and, Reader, by the notes Of this my Comedy to thee I swear, So may they not be void of lasting favour, 130/Athwart that dense and darksome atmosphere I saw a figure swimming upward come, Marvellous unto every steadfast heart, Even as he returns who goeth down Sometimes to clear an anchor, which has grappled Reef, or aught else that in the sea is hidden, Who upward stretches, and draws in his feet. !CANTO XVII. 'Look at that super macho monster down there! He shatters mountains and breaks city walls! Check out his power, and be awed!' Thus unto me my Guide began to say, And beckoned him that he should come to shore, Near to the confine of the trodden marble; And that uncleanly image of deceit Came up and thrust ashore its head and bust, But on the border did not drag its tail. 10/The face was as the face of a just man, Its semblance outwardly was so benign, And of a serpent all the trunk beside. Two paws it had, hairy unto the armpits; The back, and breast, and both the sides it had Depicted o'er with nooses and with shields. With colours more, groundwork or broidery Never in cloth did Tartars make nor Turks, Nor were such tissues by Arachne laid. As sometimes wherries lie upon the shore, 20/That part are in the water, part on land; And as among the guzzling Germans there, The beaver plants himself to wage his war; So that vile monster lay upon the border, Which is of stone, and shutteth in the sand. His tail was wholly quivering in the void, Contorting upwards the envenomed fork, That in the guise of scorpion armed its point. The Guide said: 'We should avoid it. Despite my macho strength and nacho power 30/He is one dude that I don't want to fight.' We therefore on the right side descended, And made ten steps upon the outer verge, Completely to avoid the sand and flame; And after we are come to him, I see A little farther off upon the sand A people sitting near the hollow place. Then said to me the Master: 'It'll improve Your experience of Hell immensely, If you go ask them what their deal is. 40/This is not space, but for them, it's the place; While you do that I'm going to sunbathe, In this Sahara that is Macho Madness.' Thus farther still upon the outermost Head of that seventh circle all alone I went, where sat the melancholy folk. Out of their eyes was gushing forth their woe; This way, that way, they helped them with their hands Now from the flames and now from the hot soil. Not otherwise in summer do the dogs, 50/Now with the foot, now with the muzzle, when By fleas, or flies, or gadflies, they are bitten. When I had turned mine eyes upon the faces Of some, on whom the dolorous fire is falling, Not one of them I knew; but I perceived That from the neck of each there hung a pouch, Which certain colour had, and certain blazon; And thereupon it seems their eyes are feeding. And as I gazing round me come among them, Upon a yellow pouch I azure saw 60/That had the face and posture of a lion. Proceeding then the current of my sight, Another of them saw I, red as blood, Display a goose more white than butter is. And one, who with an azure sow and gravid Emblazoned had his little pouch of white, Said unto me: 'What dost thou in this moat? Now get thee gone; and since thou'rt still alive, Know that a neighbour of mine, Vitaliano, Will have his seat here on my left-hand side. 70/A Paduan am I with these Florentines; Full many a time they thunder in mine ears, Exclaiming, 'Come the sovereign cavalier, He who shall bring the satchel with three goats;'' Then twisted he his mouth, and forth he thrust His tongue, like to an ox that licks its nose. And fearing lest my longer stay might vex Him who had warned me not to tarry long, Backward I turned me from those weary souls. I found my Guide, who had already mounted 80/Upon the back of that wild animal, And said to me: 'Now don't be a wuss. It's time to descend some stairs, get hype! You ride up front and me in back, So that you don't get hurt by the tail.' Such as he is who has so near the ague Of quartan that his nails are blue already, And trembles all, but looking at the shade; Even such became I at those proffered words; But shame in me his menaces produced, 90/Which maketh servant strong before good master. I seated me upon those monstrous shoulders; I wished to say, and yet the voice came not As I believed, 'Take heed that thou embrace me.' But he, who other times had rescued me In other peril, soon as I had mounted, Within his arms encircled and sustained me, And said: 'Giddyup hoss! Go forth; It's not every day you carry the Macho Man; Think of the story you can tell your friends.' 100/Even as the little vessel shoves from shore, Backward, still backward, so he thence withdrew; And when he wholly felt himself afloat, There where his breast had been he turned his tail, And that extended like an eel he moved, And with his paws drew to himself the air. A greater fear I do not think there was What time abandoned Phaeton the reins, Whereby the heavens, as still appears, were scorched; Nor when the wretched Icarus his flanks 110/Felt stripped of feathers by the melting wax, His father crying, 'An ill way thou takest!' Than was my own, when I perceived myself On all sides in the air, and saw extinguished The sight of everything but of the monster. Onward he goeth, swimming slowly, slowly; Wheels and descends, but I perceive it only By wind upon my face and from below. I heard already on the right the whirlpool Making a horrible crashing under us; 120/Whence I thrust out my head with eyes cast downward. Then was I still more fearful of the abyss; Because I fires beheld, and heard laments, Whereat I, trembling, all the closer cling. I saw then, for before I had not seen it, The turning and descending, by great horrors That were approaching upon divers sides. As falcon who has long been on the wing, Who, without seeing either lure or bird, Maketh the falconer say, 'Ah me, thou stoopest,' 130/Descendeth weary, whence he started swiftly, Thorough a hundred circles, and alights Far from his master, sullen and disdainful; Even thus did Geryon place us on the bottom, Close to the bases of the rough-hewn rock, And being disencumbered of our persons, He sped away as arrow from the string. !CANTO XVIII. There is a place in Hell called Malebolge, Wholly of stone and of an iron colour, As is the circle that around it turns. Right in the middle of the field malign There yawns a well exceeding wide and deep, Of which its place the structure will recount. Round, then, is that enclosure which remains Between the well and foot of the high, hard bank, And has distinct in valleys ten its bottom. 10/As where for the protection of the walls Many and many moats surround the castles, The part in which they are a figure forms, Just such an image those presented there; And as about such strongholds from their gates Unto the outer bank are little bridges, So from the precipice's base did crags Project, which intersected dikes and moats, Unto the well that truncates and collects them. Within this place, down shaken from the back 20/Of Geryon, we found us; and the Poet Held to the left, and I moved on behind. Upon my right hand I beheld new anguish, New torments, and new wielders of the lash, Wherewith the foremost Bolgia was replete. Down at the bottom were the sinners naked; This side the middle came they facing us, Beyond it, with us, but with greater steps; Even as the Romans, for the mighty host, The year of Jubilee, upon the bridge, 30/Have chosen a mode to pass the people over; For all upon one side towards the Castle Their faces have, and go unto St. Peter's; On the other side they go towards the Mountain. This side and that, along the livid stone Beheld I horned demons with great scourges, Who cruelly were beating them behind. Ah me! how they did make them lift their legs At the first blows! and sooth not any one The second waited for, nor for the third. 40/While I was going on, mine eyes by one Encountered were; and straight I said: 'Already With sight of this one I am not unfed.' Therefore I stayed my feet to make him out, And with me the sweet Guide came to a stand, And to my going somewhat back assented; And he, the scourged one, thought to hide himself, Lowering his face, but little it availed him; For said I: 'Thou that castest down thine eyes, If false are not the features which thou bearest, 50/Thou art Venedico Caccianimico; But what doth bring thee to such pungent sauces?' And he to me: 'Unwillingly I tell it; But forces me thine utterance distinct, Which makes me recollect the ancient world. I was the one who the fair Ghisola Induced to grant the wishes of the Marquis, Howe'er the shameless story may be told. Not the sole Bolognese am I who weeps here; Nay, rather is this place so full of them, 60/That not so many tongues to-day are taught 'Twixt Reno and Savena to say 'sipa;' And if thereof thou wishest pledge or proof, Bring to thy mind our avaricious heart.' While speaking in this manner, with his scourge A demon smote him, and said: 'Get thee gone Pander, there are no women here for coin.' I joined myself again unto mine Escort; Thereafterward with footsteps few we came To where a crag projected from the bank. 70/This very easily did we ascend, And turning to the right along its ridge, From those eternal circles we departed. When we were there, where it is hollowed out Beneath, to give a passage to the scourged, The Guide said: 'Wait and look at them, Those unhip cats who are born evil, Those whom we have not seen as of yet, Because they've been following us.' From the old bridge we looked upon the train 80/Which tow'rds us came upon the other border, And which the scourges in like manner smite. And the good Master, without my inquiring, Said to me: 'Look at the tall one there, Despite his pain he's standing up tall; See how macho he remains in its face! That's Jason, whom you've heard of maybe? He did some pretty despicable stuff. I honestly never read Greek myths So I'm sort of in the dark about this. 90/You'll have to do the reading yourself. Instead, why don't you go bother him? Ask him about his wife and kids, And if he ever was a liar to them. I do know he had a cool boat called the Argo; I heard he went searching for some mutton, But then discovered gold was inedible. Seems like you could learn a lot from him; About how to be a jerk to women and kids You know, if you weren't already.' 100/We were already where the narrow path Crosses athwart the second dike, and forms Of that a buttress for another arch. Thence we heard people, who are making moan In the next Bolgia, snorting with their muzzles, And with their palms beating upon themselves The margins were incrusted with a mould By exhalation from below, that sticks there, And with the eyes and nostrils wages war. The bottom is so deep, no place suffices 110/To give us sight of it, without ascending The arch's back, where most the crag impends. Thither we came, and thence down in the moat I saw a people smothered in a filth That out of human privies seemed to flow; And whilst below there with mine eye I search, I saw one with his head so foul with ordure, It was not clear if he were clerk or layman. He screamed to me: 'Wherefore art thou so eager To look at me more than the other foul ones?' 120/And I to him: 'Because, if I remember, I have already seen thee with dry hair, And thou'rt Alessio Interminei of Lucca; Therefore I eye thee more than all the others.' And he thereon, belabouring his pumpkin: 'The flatteries have submerged me here below, Wherewith my tongue was never surfeited.' Then said to me the Guide: 'See that thou thrust Thy visage somewhat farther in advance, That with thine eyes thou well the face attain 130/Of that uncleanly and dishevelled drab, Who there doth scratch herself with filthy nails, And crouches now, and now on foot is standing. Thais the harlot is it, who replied Unto her paramour, when he said, 'Have I Great gratitude from thee?'--'Nay, marvellous;' And herewith let our sight be satisfied.' !CANTO XIX. O Simon Magus, O forlorn disciples, Ye who the things of God, which ought to be The brides of holiness, rapaciously For silver and for gold do prostitute, Now it behoves for you the trumpet sound, Because in this third Bolgia ye abide. We had already on the following tomb Ascended to that portion of the crag Which o'er the middle of the moat hangs plumb. 10/Wisdom supreme, O how great art thou showest In heaven, in earth, and in the evil world, And with what justice doth thy power distribute! I saw upon the sides and on the bottom The livid stone with perforations filled, All of one size, and every one was round. To me less ample seemed they not, nor greater Than those that in my beautiful Saint John Are fashioned for the place of the baptisers, And one of which, not many years ago, 20/I broke for some one, who was drowning in it; Be this a seal all men to undeceive. Out of the mouth of each one there protruded The feet of a transgressor, and the legs Up to the calf, the rest within remained. In all of them the soles were both on fire; Wherefore the joints so violently quivered, They would have snapped asunder withes and bands. Even as the flame of unctuous things is wont To move upon the outer surface only, 30/So likewise was it there from heel to point. 'Master, who is that one who writhes himself, More than his other comrades quivering,' I said, 'and whom a redder flame is sucking?' And he to me: 'If you follow me a little bit, Down this bank to where that cat is sitting, He will tell you himself his sorry story.' And I: 'What pleases thee, to me is pleasing; Thou art my Lord, and knowest that I depart not From thy desire, and knowest what is not spoken.' 40/Straightway upon the fourth dike we arrived; We turned, and on the left-hand side descended Down to the bottom full of holes and narrow. And the good Master yet from off his haunch Deposed me not, till to the hole he brought me Of him who so lamented with his shanks. 'Whoe'er thou art, that standest upside down, O doleful soul, implanted like a stake,' To say began I, 'if thou canst, speak out.' I stood even as the friar who is confessing 50/The false assassin, who, when he is fixed, Recalls him, so that death may be delayed. And he cried out: 'Dost thou stand there already, Dost thou stand there already, Boniface? By many years the record lied to me. Art thou so early satiate with that wealth, For which thou didst not fear to take by fraud The beautiful Lady, and then work her woe?' Such I became, as people are who stand, Not comprehending what is answered them, 60/As if bemocked, and know not how to answer. Then said Macho Man: 'Quick-like, tell him 'That's not me, I'm a different guy!'' And I replied as was imposed on me. Whereat the spirit writhed with both his feet, Then, sighing, with a voice of lamentation Said to me: 'Then what wantest thou of me? If who I am thou carest so much to know, That thou on that account hast crossed the bank, Know that I vested was with the great mantle; 70/And truly was I son of the She-bear, So eager to advance the cubs, that wealth Above, and here myself, I pocketed. Beneath my head the others are dragged down Who have preceded me in simony, Flattened along the fissure of the rock. Below there I shall likewise fall, whenever That one shall come who I believed thou wast, What time the sudden question I proposed. But longer I my feet already toast, 80/And here have been in this way upside down, Than he will planted stay with reddened feet; For after him shall come of fouler deed From tow'rds the west a Pastor without law, Such as befits to cover him and me. New Jason will he be, of whom we read In Maccabees; and as his king was pliant, So he who governs France shall be to this one.' I do not know if I were here too bold, That him I answered only in this metre: 90/'I pray thee tell me now how great a treasure Our Lord demanded of Saint Peter first, Before he put the keys into his keeping? Truly he nothing asked but 'Follow me.' Nor Peter nor the rest asked of Matthias Silver or gold, when he by lot was chosen Unto the place the guilty soul had lost. Therefore stay here, for thou art justly punished, And keep safe guard o'er the ill-gotten money, Which caused thee to be valiant against Charles. 100/And were it not that still forbids it me The reverence for the keys superlative Thou hadst in keeping in the gladsome life, I would make use of words more grievous still; Because your avarice afflicts the world, Trampling the good and lifting the depraved. The Evangelist you Pastors had in mind, When she who sitteth upon many waters To fornicate with kings by him was seen; The same who with the seven heads was born, 110/And power and strength from the ten horns received, So long as virtue to her spouse was pleasing. Ye have made yourselves a god of gold and silver; And from the idolater how differ ye, Save that he one, and ye a hundred worship? Ah, Constantine! of how much ill was mother, Not thy conversion, but that marriage dower Which the first wealthy Father took from thee!' And while I sang to him such notes as these, Either that anger or that conscience stung him, 120/He struggled violently with both his feet. I think in sooth that it my Leader pleased, With such contented lip he listened ever Unto the sound of the true words expressed. Therefore with both his arms he took me up, And when he had me all upon his breast, Remounted by the way where he descended. Nor did he tire to have me clasped to him; But bore me to the summit of the arch Which from the fourth dike to the fifth is passage. 130/There tenderly he laid his burden down, Tenderly on the crag uneven and steep, That would have been hard passage for the goats: Thence was unveiled to me another valley. !CANTO XX. Of a new pain behoves me to make verses And give material to the twentieth canto Of the first song, which is of the submerged. I was already thoroughly disposed To peer down into the uncovered depth, Which bathed itself with tears of agony; And people saw I through the circular valley, Silent and weeping, coming at the pace Which in this world the Litanies assume. 10/As lower down my sight descended on them, Wondrously each one seemed to be distorted From chin to the beginning of the chest; For tow'rds the reins the countenance was turned, And backward it behoved them to advance, As to look forward had been taken from them. Perchance indeed by violence of palsy Some one has been thus wholly turned awry; But I ne'er saw it, nor believe it can be. As God may let thee, Reader, gather fruit 20/From this thy reading, think now for thyself How I could ever keep my face unmoistened, When our own image near me I beheld Distorted so, the weeping of the eyes Along the fissure bathed the hinder parts. Truly I wept, leaning upon a peak Of the hard crag, so that my Escort said To me: 'What are you crying for? Are you tired?  Is it your bedtime? It's been a big day for you I know. 30/You must be tired and not even know it. Let me tell you a bedtime story then To pass the time while we stride forward; Our macho hair swirling in the breeze. Once upon a time there was a warrior Sarnath was his name, from Monqurt He was a true knight, macho even as me. When he was young he traveled far Seeking the best challengers and champions Besting them all in one-on-one rumbles. 40/Eventually he came to the land of the Church, That great cathedral of Amour Lardo, Where the Cellulite Pope held his court. Sarnath did not know about religion In his land there was no church at all, And of course this world was not our own. This Nacho Man of old was truly wowed, The music of the priests blew him away And the pontiff himself was noble and kind. For a long time he lived at the court 50/Aiding young paladins in their training Serving as armsmaster for the holy army. Until finally he took oaths himself, Not those to be a clergyman, oh no, But to serve as the shield of the church. At this time an evil nation to the north, Wicked and envious of the church's wealth; Invaded and tried to stamp out the faith. It was Sarnath who held the line, Alongside his four most promising pupils, 60/Who ever after bore the title 'Hounds'. Their names are famous today They were Gleeok and Ragnasaurth Ilthor and strongest of all Thorgan. With their master they stemmed the tide, These five alone against a legion of foes Sheer numbers could not overcome their might. Yet as the battle appeared to be won, A single arrow struck Sarnath in the thigh Fast-acting poison turned his blood cold. 70/Gasping for air in his final minutes, Sarnath passed his title on to Thorgan, Appointing him leader of the Church's army. Thus ended the story of the hero Sarnath And where his spirit went I cannot say, In that world things aren't as simple. If you don't understand this story, Don't sweat it, I'm just killing time. It's actually not that great a story. And sorry if my speech has become formal 80/During the telling of this particular tale, I'm just trying to relate it I heard it. Some guy named Pablo told it to me When we were lifting at the gym last week, And I guess it has kind of stuck with me. Anyway, hopefully this happy tale Has gotten you to stop crying, or at least made you fall asleep; Either way it's the same to me, after all, We're going to have to keep going eventually 90/Unlike you I have all the time in the world. Say, have I ever tell you the cheese joke? You know, the one with the goat and the spoon? Where they end up at the sanitation plant? Well it's too long to tell now, There aren't many lines left in this Canto, But remind me in Canto XXXIV, it's great. A real knee-slapper let me tell you, The sort of joke you'll tell your grandkids Years from now as you munch on a Slim Jim. 100/And I: 'My Master, thy discourses are To me so certain, and so take my faith, That unto me the rest would be spent coals. But tell me of the people who are passing, If any one note-worthy thou beholdest, For only unto that my mind reverts.' Then said he to me: 'Normally I'd tell you But I've just spent a lot of time talking And even ghosts get sore throats, you know. I know that here there's like six more stanzas 110/And that if I stuck on-script I'd give them all But honestly I'm just not feeling it right now. So I'm going to take matters into my own hands My MACHO hands; my NACHO hands, as they were. And end this particular canto early. I hope you don't hold it against me, The next one is more interesting anyway So let's just hurry along to it shall we? Thus spake he to me, and we walked the while. !CANTO XXI. From bridge to bridge thus, speaking other things Of which my Comedy cares not to sing, We came along, and held the summit, when We halted to behold another fissure Of Malebolge and other vain laments; And I beheld it marvellously dark. As in the Arsenal of the Venetians Boils in the winter the tenacious pitch To smear their unsound vessels o'er again, 10/For sail they cannot; and instead thereof One makes his vessel new, and one recaulks The ribs of that which many a voyage has made; One hammers at the prow, one at the stern, This one makes oars, and that one cordage twists, Another mends the mainsail and the mizzen; Thus, not by fire, but by the art divine, Was boiling down below there a dense pitch Which upon every side the bank belimed. I saw it, but I did not see within it 20/Aught but the bubbles that the boiling raised, And all swell up and resubside compressed. The while below there fixedly I gazed, My Leader, crying out: 'Watch out!' Drew me unto himself from where I stood. Then I turned round, as one who is impatient To see what it behoves him to escape, And whom a sudden terror doth unman, Who, while he looks, delays not his departure; And I beheld behind us a black devil, 30/Running along upon the crag, approach. Ah, how ferocious was he in his aspect! And how he seemed to me in action ruthless, With open wings and light upon his feet! His shoulders, which sharp-pointed were and high, A sinner did encumber with both haunches, And he held clutched the sinews of the feet. From off our bridge, he said: 'O Malebranche, Behold one of the elders of Saint Zita; Plunge him beneath, for I return for others 40/Unto that town, which is well furnished with them. All there are barrators, except Bonturo; No into Yes for money there is changed.' He hurled him down, and over the hard crag Turned round, and never was a mastiff loosened In so much hurry to pursue a thief. The other sank, and rose again face downward; But the demons, under cover of the bridge, Cried: 'Here the Santo Volto has no place! Here swims one otherwise than in the Serchio; 50/Therefore, if for our gaffs thou wishest not, Do not uplift thyself above the pitch.' They seized him then with more than a hundred rakes; They said: 'It here behoves thee to dance covered, That, if thou canst, thou secretly mayest pilfer.' Not otherwise the cooks their scullions make Immerse into the middle of the caldron The meat with hooks, so that it may not float. Said the good Master to me: 'You gotta hide, So duck down behind this rock face 60/And they will not be able to see you; Don't worry about what happesn to me, None may withstand the Macho Man unleashed, I've handled these demons many times.' Then he passed on beyond the bridge's head, And as upon the sixth bank he arrived, Need was for him to have a steadfast front. With the same fury, and the same uproar, As dogs leap out upon a mendicant, Who on a sudden begs, where'er he stops, 70/They issued from beneath the little bridge, And turned against him all their grappling-irons; But he cried out: 'Step back idiots! Do you remember what happened last time, When I was strolling through on vacation, And you tried to grab me and paid the price?' They all cried out: 'Let Malacoda go;' Whereat one started, and the rest stood still, And he came to him, saying: 'What avails it?' 'How now, Malacoda? Up for another round? 80/I hope your tail is healed.' my Master said, 'There's a reason your name is evil tail, But what evil can you do if it breaks again? Why not let me pass, and spare your body Unless you're crusing for a bruising.' Then was his arrogance so humbled in him, That he let fall his grapnel at his feet, And to the others said: 'Now strike him not.' And unto me my Guide: 'O thou, who sittest Among the splinters of the bridge crouched down, 90/Securely now return to me again.' Wherefore I started and came swiftly to him; And all the devils forward thrust themselves, So that I feared they would not keep their compact. And thus beheld I once afraid the soldiers Who issued under safeguard from Caprona, Seeing themselves among so many foes. Close did I press myself with all my person Beside my Leader, and turned not mine eyes From off their countenance, which was not good. 100/They lowered their rakes, and 'Wilt thou have me hit him,' They said to one another, 'on the rump?' And answered: 'Yes; see that thou nick him with it.' But the same demon who was holding parley With my Conductor turned him very quickly, And said: 'Be quiet, be quiet, Scarmiglione;' Then said to us: 'You can no farther go Forward upon this crag, because is lying All shattered, at the bottom, the sixth arch. And if it still doth please you to go onward, 110/Pursue your way along upon this rock; Near is another crag that yields a path. Yesterday, five hours later than this hour, One thousand and two hundred sixty-six Years were complete, that here the way was broken. I send in that direction some of mine To see if any one doth air himself; Go ye with them; for they will not be vicious. Step forward, Alichino and Calcabrina,' Began he to cry out, 'and thou, Cagnazzo; 120/And Barbariccia, do thou guide the ten. Come forward, Libicocco and Draghignazzo, And tusked Ciriatto and Graffiacane, And Farfarello and mad Rubicante; Search ye all round about the boiling pitch; Let these be safe as far as the next crag, That all unbroken passes o'er the dens.' 'O me! what is it, Master, that I see? Pray let us go,' I said, 'without an escort, If thou knowest how, since for myself I ask none. 130/If thou art as observant as thy wont is, Dost thou not see that they do gnash their teeth, And with their brows are threatening woe to us?' And he to me: 'There's no need to fear now; They just want to regain their lost pride, Gnashing their teeth to shore up their image.' Along the left-hand dike they wheeled about; But first had each one thrust his tongue between His teeth towards their leader for a signal; And he had made a trumpet of his rump. !CANTO XXII. I have erewhile seen horsemen moving camp, Begin the storming, and their muster make, And sometimes starting off for their escape; Vaunt-couriers have I seen upon your land, O Aretines, and foragers go forth, Tournaments stricken, and the joustings run, Sometimes with trumpets and sometimes with bells, With kettle-drums, and signals of the castles, And with our own, and with outlandish things, 10/But never yet with bagpipe so uncouth Did I see horsemen move, nor infantry, Nor ship by any sign of land or star. We went upon our way with the ten demons; Ah, savage company! but in the church With saints, and in the tavern with the gluttons! Ever upon the pitch was my intent, To see the whole condition of that Bolgia, And of the people who therein were burned. Even as the dolphins, when they make a sign 20/To mariners by arching of the back, That they should counsel take to save their vessel, Thus sometimes, to alleviate his pain, One of the sinners would display his back, And in less time conceal it than it lightens. As on the brink of water in a ditch The frogs stand only with their muzzles out, So that they hide their feet and other bulk, So upon every side the sinners stood; But ever as Barbariccia near them came, 30/Thus underneath the boiling they withdrew. I saw, and still my heart doth shudder at it, One waiting thus, even as it comes to pass One frog remains, and down another dives; And Graffiacan, who most confronted him, Grappled him by his tresses smeared with pitch, And drew him up, so that he seemed an otter. I knew, before, the names of all of them, So had I noted them when they were chosen, And when they called each other, listened how. 40/'O Rubicante, see that thou do lay Thy claws upon him, so that thou mayst flay him,' Cried all together the accursed ones. And I: 'My Master, see to it, if thou canst, That thou mayst know who is the luckless wight, Thus come into his adversaries' hands.' Near to the side of him my Leader drew, Asked of him whence he was; and he replied: 'I in the kingdom of Navarre was born; My mother placed me servant to a lord, 50/For she had borne me to a ribald knave, Destroyer of himself and of his things. Then I domestic was of good King Thibault; I set me there to practise barratry, For which I pay the reckoning in this heat.' And Ciriatto, from whose mouth projected, On either side, a tusk, as in a boar, Caused him to feel how one of them could rip. Among malicious cats the mouse had come; But Barbariccia clasped him in his arms, 60/And said: 'Stand ye aside, while I enfork him.' And to my Master he turned round his head; 'Ask him again,' he said, 'and just maybe You've noticed I always tell you that.' The Guide: 'Now tell us of the others here; Are there any who are worthing hearing about? Best gnarly story?'  And he: 'I separated Lately from one who was a neighbour to it; Would that I still were covered up with him, For I should fear not either claw nor hook!' 70/And Libicocco: 'We have borne too much;' And with his grapnel seized him by the arm, So that, by rending, he tore off a tendon. Eke Draghignazzo wished to pounce upon him Down at the legs; whence their Decurion Turned round and round about with evil look. When they again somewhat were pacified, Of him, who still was looking at his wound, Demanded my Conductor without stay: 'Wow who was that guy?  I don't know him. 80/Also you might want to get that looked at.' And he replied: 'It was the Friar Gomita, He of Gallura, vessel of all fraud, Who had the enemies of his Lord in hand, And dealt so with them each exults thereat; Money he took, and let them smoothly off, As he says; and in other offices A barrator was he, not mean but sovereign. Foregathers with him one Don Michael Zanche Of Logodoro; and of Sardinia 90/To gossip never do their tongues feel tired. O me! see that one, how he grinds his teeth; Still farther would I speak, but am afraid Lest he to scratch my itch be making ready.' And the grand Provost, turned to Farfarello, Who rolled his eyes about as if to strike, Said: 'Stand aside there, thou malicious bird.' 'If you desire either to see or hear,' The terror-stricken recommenced thereon, 'Tuscans or Lombards, I will make them come. 100/But let the Malebranche cease a little, So that these may not their revenges fear, And I, down sitting in this very place, For one that I am will make seven come, When I shall whistle, as our custom is To do whenever one of us comes out.' Cagnazzo at these words his muzzle lifted, Shaking his head, and said: 'Just hear the trick Which he has thought of, down to throw himself!' Whence he, who snares in great abundance had, 110/Responded: 'I by far too cunning am, When I procure for mine a greater sadness.' Alichin held not in, but running counter Unto the rest, said to him: 'If thou dive, I will not follow thee upon the gallop, But I will beat my wings above the pitch; The height be left, and be the bank a shield To see if thou alone dost countervail us.' O thou who readest, thou shalt hear new sport! Each to the other side his eyes averted; 120/He first, who most reluctant was to do it. The Navarrese selected well his time; Planted his feet on land, and in a moment Leaped, and released himself from their design. Whereat each one was suddenly stung with shame, But he most who was cause of the defeat; Therefore he moved, and cried: 'Thou art o'ertakern.' But little it availed, for wings could not Outstrip the fear; the other one went under, And, flying, upward he his breast directed; 130/Not otherwise the duck upon a sudden Dives under, when the falcon is approaching, And upward he returneth cross and weary. Infuriate at the mockery, Calcabrina Flying behind him followed close, desirous The other should escape, to have a quarrel. And when the barrator had disappeared, He turned his talons upon his companion, And grappled with him right above the moat. But sooth the other was a doughty sparhawk 140/To clapperclaw him well; and both of them Fell in the middle of the boiling pond. A sudden intercessor was the heat; But ne'ertheless of rising there was naught, To such degree they had their wings belimed. Lamenting with the others, Barbariccia Made four of them fly to the other side With all their gaffs, and very speedily This side and that they to their posts descended; They stretched their hooks towards the pitch-ensnared, 150/Who were already baked within the crust, And in this manner busied did we leave them. !CANTO XXIII. Silent, alone, and without company We went, the one in front, the other after, As go the Minor Friars along their way. Upon the fable of Aesop was directed My thought, by reason of the present quarrel, Where he has spoken of the frog and mouse; For 'mo' and 'issa' are not more alike Than this one is to that, if well we couple End and beginning with a steadfast mind. 10/And even as one thought from another springs, So afterward from that was born another, Which the first fear within me double made. Thus did I ponder: 'These on our account Are laughed to scorn, with injury and scoff So great, that much I think it must annoy them. If anger be engrafted on ill-will, They will come after us more merciless Than dog upon the leveret which he seizes,' I felt my hair stand all on end already 20/With terror, and stood backwardly intent, When said I: 'Master, if thou hidest not Thyself and me forthwith, of Malebranche I am in dread; we have them now behind us; I so imagine them, I already feel them.' And he: 'Sometimes when I hear you speak, I have no idea what you're saying at all And so I imagine it's a hilarious joke. Now, for example, you just said gibberish, Which I interpreted as a very funny bit 30/About a rooster and a tractor-trailer. Let's take this downward slope here Step lively, macho men don't lose balance, Nothing shall catch us on this path.' Not yet he finished rendering such opinion, When I beheld them come with outstretched wings, Not far remote, with will to seize upon us. My Leader on a sudden seized me up, Even as a mother who by noise is wakened, And close beside her sees the enkindled flames, 40/Who takes her son, and flies, and does not stop, Having more care of him than of herself, So that she clothes her only with a shift; And downward from the top of the hard bank Supine he gave him to the pendent rock, That one side of the other Bolgia walls. Ne'er ran so swiftly water through a sluice To turn the wheel of any land-built mill, When nearest to the paddles it approaches, As did my Master down along that border, 50/Bearing me with him on his breast away, As his own son, and not as a companion. Hardly the bed of the ravine below His feet had reached, ere they had reached the hill Right over us; but he was not afraid; For the high Providence, which had ordained To place them ministers of the fifth moat, The power of thence departing took from all. A painted people there below we found, Who went about with footsteps very slow, 60/Weeping and in their semblance tired and vanquished. They had on mantles with the hoods low down Before their eyes, and fashioned of the cut That in Cologne they for the monks are made. Without, they gilded are so that it dazzles; But inwardly all leaden and so heavy That Frederick used to put them on of straw. O everlastingly fatiguing mantle! Again we turned us, still to the left hand Along with them, intent on their sad plaint; 70/But owing to the weight, that weary folk Came on so tardily, that we were new In company at each motion of the haunch. Whence I unto my Leader: 'See thou find Some one who may by deed or name be known, And thus in going move thine eye about.' And one, who understood the Tuscan speech, Cried to us from behind: 'Stay ye your feet, Ye, who so run athwart the dusky air! Perhaps thou'lt have from me what thou demandest.' 80/Whereat the Leader turned him, and said: 'Wait, And walk towards this weird duck slowly.' I stopped, and two beheld I show great haste Of spirit, in their faces, to be with me; But the burden and the narrow way delayed them. When they came up, long with an eye askance They scanned me without uttering a word. Then to each other turned, and said together: 'He by the action of his throat seems living; And if they dead are, by what privilege 90/Go they uncovered by the heavy stole?' Then said to me: 'Tuscan, who to the college Of miserable hypocrites art come, Do not disdain to tell us who thou art.' And I to them: 'Born was I, and grew up In the great town on the fair river of Arno, And with the body am I've always had. But who are ye, in whom there trickles down Along your cheeks such grief as I behold? And what pain is upon you, that so sparkles?' 100/And one replied to me: 'These orange cloaks Are made of lead so heavy, that the weights Cause in this way their balances to creak. Frati Gaudenti were we, and Bolognese; I Catalano, and he Loderingo Named, and together taken by thy city, As the wont is to take one man alone, For maintenance of its peace; and we were such That still it is apparent round Gardingo.' 'O Friars,' began I, 'your iniquitous. . .' 110/But said no more; for to mine eyes there rushed One crucified with three stakes on the ground. When me he saw, he writhed himself all over, Blowing into his beard with suspirations; And the Friar Catalan, who noticed this, Said to me: 'This transfixed one, whom thou seest, Counselled the Pharisees that it was meet To put one man to torture for the people. Crosswise and naked is he on the path, As thou perceivest; and he needs must feel, 120/Whoever passes, first how much he weighs; And in like mode his father-in-law is punished Within this moat, and the others of the council, Which for the Jews was a malignant seed.' And thereupon I saw the Macho Man marvel O'er him who was extended on the cross So vilely in eternal banishment. Then he directed to the Friar this voice: 'We're not lost, but if we were, Would you tell us if we were going wrong? 130/We're heading down this slope and it seems good, And the nacho man needs no directions, No map, but still, you'd let us know, right?' Then he made answer: 'Nearer than thou hopest There is a rock, that forth from the great circle Proceeds, and crosses all the cruel valleys, Save that at this 'tis broken, and does not bridge it; You will be able to mount up the ruin, That sidelong slopes and at the bottom rises.' The Leader stood awhile with head held high; 140/Then said: 'That guy's breath is the worst I think he ate too many salt and vinegar chips.' And the Friar: 'Many of the Devil's vices Once heard I at Bologna, and among them, That he's a liar and the father of lies.' Thereat my Leader with great strides went on, Somewhat disturbed with anger in his looks; Whence from the heavy-laden I departed After the prints of his beloved feet. !CANTO XXIV. In that part of the youthful year wherein The Sun his locks beneath Aquarius tempers, And now the nights draw near to half the day, What time the hoar-frost copies on the ground The outward semblance of her sister white, But little lasts the temper of her pen, The husbandman, whose forage faileth him, Rises, and looks, and seeth the champaign All gleaming white, whereat he beats his flank, 10/Returns in doors, and up and down laments, Like a poor wretch, who knows not what to do; Then he returns and hope revives again, Seeing the world has changed its countenance In little time, and takes his shepherd's crook, And forth the little lambs to pasture drives. Thus did the Master fill me with alarm, When I beheld his forehead so disturbed, And to the ailment came as soon the plaster. For as we came unto the ruined bridge, 20/The Leader turned to me with that sweet look Which at the mountain's foot I first beheld. His arms he opened, after some advisement Within himself elected, looking first Well at the ruin, and laid hold of me. And even as he who acts and meditates, For aye it seems that he provides beforehand, So upward lifting me towards the summit Of a huge rock, he scanned another crag, Saying: 'We've got to climb up there, 30/You first, see if it can hold our weight.' This was no way for one clothed with a cloak; For hardly we, he light, and I pushed upward, Were able to ascend from jag to jag. And had it not been, that upon that precinct Shorter was the ascent than on the other, He I know not, but I had been dead beat. But because Malebolge tow'rds the mouth Of the profoundest well is all inclining, The structure of each valley doth import 40/That one bank rises and the other sinks. Still we arrived at length upon the point Wherefrom the last stone breaks itself asunder. The breath was from my lungs so milked away, When I was up, that I could go no farther, Nay, I sat down upon my first arrival. 'Don't you fade on me now, pretty boy.' My Master said; 'Don't you know that Rest and relaxation makes you soft? As the kids say today, do you even lift? 50/You need to pump iron and run miles, Build your body up to a MACHO state. So get up off of the ground, slacker! Raise your spirits, act tough! Don't be a spineless slug, man! You're going to have to climb more stairs; This is just the beginning, let me tell you; If you hear me, then you'll prepare yourself.' Then I uprose, showing myself provided Better with breath than I did feel myself, 60/And said: 'Go on, for I am strong and bold.' Upward we took our way along the crag, Which jagged was, and narrow, and difficult, And more precipitous far than that before. Speaking I went, not to appear exhausted; Whereat a voice from the next moat came forth, Not well adapted to articulate words. I know not what it said, though o'er the back I now was of the arch that passes there; But he seemed moved to anger who was speaking. 70/I was bent downward, but my living eyes Could not attain the bottom, for the dark; Wherefore I: 'Master, see that thou arrive At the next round, and let us descend the wall; For as from hence I hear and understand not, So I look down and nothing I distinguish.' 'Don't talk,' he said, 'for a while, Seriously.  You fill the air with nose And not the type of madness that I love.' We from the bridge descended at its head, 80/Where it connects itself with the eighth bank, And then was manifest to me the Bolgia; And I beheld therein a terrible throng Of serpents, and of such a monstrous kind, That the remembrance still congeals my blood Let Libya boast no longer with her sand; For if Chelydri, Jaculi, and Phareae She breeds, with Cenchri and with Amphisbaena, Neither so many plagues nor so malignant E'er showed she with all Ethiopia, 90/Nor with whatever on the Red Sea is! Among this cruel and most dismal throng People were running naked and affrighted. Without the hope of hole or heliotrope. They had their hands with serpents bound behind them; These riveted upon their reins the tail And head, and were in front of them entwined. And lo! at one who was upon our side There darted forth a serpent, which transfixed him There where the neck is knotted to the shoulders. 100/Nor 'O' so quickly e'er, nor 'I' was written, As he took fire, and burned; and ashes wholly Behoved it that in falling he became. And when he on the ground was thus destroyed, The ashes drew together, and of themselves Into himself they instantly returned. Even thus by the great sages 'tis confessed The phoenix dies, and then is born again, When it approaches its five-hundredth year; On herb or grain it feeds not in its life, 110/But only on tears of incense and amomum, And nard and myrrh are its last winding-sheet. And as he is who falls, and knows not how, By force of demons who to earth down drag him, Or other oppilation that binds man, When he arises and around him looks, Wholly bewildered by the mighty anguish Which he has suffered, and in looking sighs; Such was that sinner after he had risen. Justice of God! O how severe it is, 120/That blows like these in vengeance poureth down! The Guide thereafter asked him who he was; Whence he replied: 'I rained from Tuscany A short time since into this cruel gorge. A bestial life, and not a human, pleased me, Even as the mule I was; I'm Vanni Fucci, Beast, and Pistoia was my worthy den.' And I unto the Guide: 'Tell him to stir not, And ask what crime has thrust him here below, For once a man of blood and wrath I saw him.' 130/And the sinner, who had heard, dissembled not, But unto me directed mind and face, And with a melancholy shame was painted. Then said: 'It pains me more that thou hast caught me Amid this misery where thou seest me, Than when I from the other life was taken. What thou demandest I cannot deny; So low am I put down because I robbed The sacristy of the fair ornaments, And falsely once 'twas laid upon another; 140/But that thou mayst not such a sight enjoy, If thou shalt e'er be out of the dark places, Thine ears to my announcement ope and hear: Pistoia first of Neri groweth meagre; Then Florence doth renew her men and manners; Mars draws a vapour up from Val di Magra, Which is with turbid clouds enveloped round, And with impetuous and bitter tempest Over Campo Picen shall be the battle; When it shall suddenly rend the mist asunder, 150/So that each Bianco shall thereby be smitten. And this I've said that it may give thee pain.' !CANTO XXV. At the conclusion of his words, the thief Lifted his hands aloft with both the figs, Crying: 'Take that, God, for at thee I aim them.' From that time forth the serpents were my friends; For one entwined itself about his neck As if it said: 'I will not thou speak more;' And round his arms another, and rebound him, Clinching itself together so in front, That with them he could not a motion make. 10/Pistoia, ah, Pistoia! why resolve not To burn thyself to ashes and so perish, Since in ill-doing thou thy seed excellest? Through all the sombre circles of this Hell, Spirit I saw not against God so proud, Not he who fell at Thebes down from the walls! He fled away, and spake no further word; And I beheld a Centaur full of rage Come crying out: 'Where is, where is the scoffer?' I do not think Maremma has so many 20/Serpents as he had all along his back, As far as where our countenance begins. Upon the shoulders, just behind the nape, With wings wide open was a dragon lying, And he sets fire to all that he encounters. My Master said: 'That guy is Cacus. It's said that when he was alive He created a lake of blood. METAL! He and his brothers are all here together Because they were thieves and brigands, 30/They stole some cows or sheep or something; They messed with the wrong guy it seems, Hercules beat them to death with a mace, It was pretty gnarly if I may say so.' While he was speaking thus, he had passed by, And spirits three had underneath us come, Of which nor I aware was, nor my Leader, Until what time they shouted: 'Who are you?' On which account our story made a halt, And then we were intent on them alone. 40/I did not know them; but it came to pass, As it is wont to happen by some chance, That one to name the other was compelled, Exclaiming: 'Where can Cianfa have remained?' Whence I, so that the Leader might attend, Upward from chin to nose my finger laid. If thou art, Reader, slow now to believe What I shall say, it will no marvel be, For I who saw it hardly can admit it. As I was holding raised on them my brows, 50/Behold! a serpent with six feet darts forth In front of one, and fastens wholly on him. With middle feet it bound him round the paunch, And with the forward ones his arms it seized; Then thrust its teeth through one cheek and the other; The hindermost it stretched upon his thighs, And put its tail through in between the two, And up behind along the reins outspread it. Ivy was never fastened by its barbs Unto a tree so, as this horrible reptile 60/Upon the other's limbs entwined its own. Then they stuck close, as if of heated wax They had been made, and intermixed their colour; Nor one nor other seemed now what he was; E'en as proceedeth on before the flame Upward along the paper a brown colour, Which is not black as yet, and the white dies. The other two looked on, and each of them Cried out: 'O me, Agnello, how thou changest! Behold, thou now art neither two nor one.' 70/Already the two heads had one become, When there appeared to us two figures mingled Into one face, wherein the two were lost. Of the four lists were fashioned the two arms, The thighs and legs, the belly and the chest Members became that never yet were seen. Every original aspect there was cancelled; Two and yet none did the perverted image Appear, and such departed with slow pace. Even as a lizard, under the great scourge 80/Of days canicular, exchanging hedge, Lightning appeareth if the road it cross; Thus did appear, coming towards the bellies Of the two others, a small fiery serpent, Livid and black as is a peppercorn. And in that part whereat is first received Our aliment, it one of them transfixed; Then downward fell in front of him extended. The one transfixed looked at it, but said naught; Nay, rather with feet motionless he yawned, 90/Just as if sleep or fever had assailed him. He at the serpent gazed, and it at him; One through the wound, the other through the mouth Smoked violently, and the smoke commingled. Henceforth be silent Lucan, where he mentions Wretched Sabellus and Nassidius, And wait to hear what now shall be shot forth. Be silent Ovid, of Cadmus and Arethusa; For if him to a snake, her to fountain, Converts he fabling, that I grudge him not; 100/Because two natures never front to front Has he transmuted, so that both the forms To interchange their matter ready were. Together they responded in such wise, That to a fork the serpent cleft his tail, And eke the wounded drew his feet together. The legs together with the thighs themselves Adhered so, that in little time the juncture No sign whatever made that was apparent. He with the cloven tail assumed the figure 110/The other one was losing, and his skin Became elastic, and the other's hard. I saw the arms draw inward at the armpits, And both feet of the reptile, that were short, Lengthen as much as those contracted were. Thereafter the hind feet, together twisted, Became the member that a man conceals, And of his own the wretch had two created. While both of them the exhalation veils With a new colour, and engenders hair 120/On one of them and depilates the other, The one uprose and down the other fell, Though turning not away their impious lamps, Underneath which each one his muzzle changed. He who was standing drew it tow'rds the temples, And from excess of matter, which came thither, Issued the ears from out the hollow cheeks; What did not backward run and was retained Of that excess made to the face a nose, And the lips thickened far as was befitting. 130/He who lay prostrate thrusts his muzzle forward, And backward draws the ears into his head, In the same manner as the snail its horns; And so the tongue, which was entire and apt For speech before, is cleft, and the bi-forked In the other closes up, and the smoke ceases. The soul, which to a reptile had been changed, Along the valley hissing takes to flight, And after him the other speaking sputters. Then did he turn upon him his new shoulders, 140/And said to the other: 'I'll have Buoso run, Crawling as I have done, along this road.' In this way I beheld the seventh ballast Shift and reshift, and here be my excuse The novelty, if aught my pen transgress. And notwithstanding that mine eyes might be Somewhat bewildered, and my mind dismayed, They could not flee away so secretly But that I plainly saw Puccio Sciancato; And he it was who sole of three companions, 150/Which came in the beginning, was not changed; The other was he whom thou, Gaville, weepest. !CANTO XXVI. Rejoice, O Florence, since thou art so great, That over sea and land thou beatest thy wings, And throughout Hell thy name is spread abroad! Among the thieves five citizens of thine Like these I found, whence shame comes unto me, And thou thereby to no great honour risest. But if when morn is near our dreams are true, Feel shalt thou in a little time from now What Prato, if none other, craves for thee. 10/And if it now were, it were not too soon; Would that it were, seeing it needs must be, For 'twill aggrieve me more the more I age. We went our way, and up along the stairs The bourns had made us to descend before, Remounted my Conductor and drew me. And following the solitary path Among the rocks and ridges of the crag, The foot without the hand sped not at all. Then sorrowed I, and sorrow now again, 20/When I direct my mind to what I saw, And more my genius curb than I am wont, That it may run not unless virtue guide it; So that if some good star, or better thing, Have given me good, I may myself not grudge it. As many as the hind (who on the hill Rests at the time when he who lights the world His countenance keeps least concealed from us, While as the fly gives place unto the gnat) Seeth the glow-worms down along the valley, 30/Perchance there where he ploughs and makes his vintage; With flames as manifold resplendent all Was the eighth Bolgia, as I grew aware As soon as I was where the depth appeared. And such as he who with the bears avenged him Beheld Elijah's chariot at departing, What time the steeds to heaven erect uprose, For with his eye he could not follow it So as to see aught else than flame alone, Even as a little cloud ascending upward, 40/Thus each along the gorge of the intrenchment Was moving; for not one reveals the theft, And every flame a sinner steals away. I stood upon the bridge uprisen to see, So that, if I had seized not on a rock, Down had I fallen without being pushed. And the Leader, who beheld me so attent, Exclaimed: 'They're all in the fire there; They bathe in the fire even though it burns.' 'My Master,' I replied, 'by hearing thee 50/I am more sure; but I surmised already It might be so, and already wished to ask thee Who is within that fire, which comes so cleft At top, it seems uprising from the pyre Where was Eteocles with his brother placed.' He answered me: 'Some pretty famous guys: Ulysses and Diomed, the Greek heroes You probably read about them in high school. It turns out that making the Trojan Horse Was weirdly interpreted as a sort of lie 60/And so they get to burn in Hell. Oops. I suspect this plot point has to do With the fact that Dante was Italian, So he felt bad about Troy getting sacked.' 'If they within those sparks possess the power To speak,' I said, 'thee, Master, much I pray, And re-pray, that the prayer be worth a thousand, That thou make no denial of awaiting Until the horned flame shall hither come; Thou seest that with desire I lean towards it.' 70/And he to me: 'Hey, now you're getting it, Good on you kid, that's the spirit now; But hold your tongue for one macho minute. Let me talk for a bit, because I think I know What you want to hear about, and why that is. I've been around long enough to guess.' When now the flame had come unto that point, Where to my Leader it seemed time and place, After this fashion did I hear him speak: 'Wubba wubba, magical fire!  Tell me! 80/I, the Macho Man, demand of you! Reveal your secrets!  Tell us stories! Wumbo wumbo, magical fire!  Tell me! If you don't help me out right now I will dump water on you! Beware!' Then of the antique flame the greater horn, Murmuring, began to wave itself about Even as a flame doth which the wind fatigues. Thereafterward, the summit to and fro Moving as if it were the tongue that spake, 90/It uttered forth a voice, and said: 'When I From Circe had departed, who concealed me More than a year there near unto Gaeta, Or ever yet Aeneas named it so, Nor fondness for my son, nor reverence For my old father, nor the due affection Which joyous should have made Penelope, Could overcome within me the desire I had to be experienced of the world, And of the vice and virtue of mankind; 100/But I put forth on the high open sea With one sole ship, and that small company By which I never had deserted been. Both of the shores I saw as far as Spain, Far as Morocco, and the isle of Sardes, And the others which that sea bathes round about. I and my company were old and slow When at that narrow passage we arrived Where Hercules his landmarks set as signals, That man no farther onward should adventure. 110/On the right hand behind me left I Seville, And on the other already had left Ceuta. 'O brothers, who amid a hundred thousand Perils,' I said, 'have come unto the West, To this so inconsiderable vigil Which is remaining of your senses still Be ye unwilling to deny the knowledge, Following the sun, of the unpeopled world. Consider ye the seed from which ye sprang; Ye were not made to live like unto brutes, 120/But for pursuit of virtue and of knowledge.' So eager did I render my companions, With this brief exhortation, for the voyage, That then I hardly could have held them back. And having turned our stern unto the morning, We of the oars made wings for our mad flight, Evermore gaining on the larboard side. Already all the stars of the other pole The night beheld, and ours so very low It did not rise above the ocean floor. 130/Five times rekindled and as many quenched Had been the splendour underneath the moon, Since we had entered into the deep pass, When there appeared to us a mountain, dim From distance, and it seemed to me so high As I had never any one beheld. Joyful were we, and soon it turned to weeping; For out of the new land a whirlwind rose, And smote upon the fore part of the ship. Three times it made her whirl with all the waters, 140/At the fourth time it made the stern uplift, And the prow downward go, as pleased Another, Until the sea above us closed again.' !CANTO XXVII. Already was the flame erect and quiet, To speak no more, and now departed from us With the permission of the gentle Poet; When yet another, which behind it came, Caused us to turn our eyes upon its top By a confused sound that issued from it. As the Sicilian bull (that bellowed first With the lament of him, and that was right, Who with his file had modulated it) 10/Bellowed so with the voice of the afflicted, That, notwithstanding it was made of brass, Still it appeared with agony transfixed; Thus, by not having any way or issue At first from out the fire, to its own language Converted were the melancholy words. But afterwards, when they had gathered way Up through the point, giving it that vibration The tongue had given them in their passage out, We heard it said: 'O thou, at whom I aim 20/My voice, and who but now wast speaking Lombard, Saying, 'Now go thy way, no more I urge thee,' Because I come perchance a little late, To stay and speak with me let it not irk thee; Thou seest it irks not me, and I am burning. If thou but lately into this blind world Hast fallen down from that sweet Latian land, Wherefrom I bring the whole of my transgression, Say, if the Romagnuols have peace or war, For I was from the mountains there between 30/Urbino and the yoke whence Tiber bursts.' I still was downward bent and listening, When my Conductor touched me on the side, Saying: 'This one is Italian like you.' And I, who had beforehand my reply In readiness, forthwith began to speak: 'O soul, that down below there art concealed, Romagna thine is not and never has been Without war in the bosom of its tyrants; But open war I none have left there now. 40/Ravenna stands as it long years has stood; The Eagle of Polenta there is brooding, So that she covers Cervia with her vans. The city which once made the long resistance, And of the French a sanguinary heap, Beneath the Green Paws finds itself again; Verrucchio's ancient Mastiff and the new, Who made such bad disposal of Montagna, Where they are wont make wimbles of their teeth. The cities of Lamone and Santerno 50/Governs the Lioncel of the white lair, Who changes sides 'twixt summer-time and winter; And that of which the Savio bathes the flank, Even as it lies between the plain and mountain, Lives between tyranny and a free state. Now I entreat thee tell us who thou art; Be not more stubborn than the rest have been, So may thy name hold front there in the world.' After the fire a little more had roared In its own fashion, the sharp point it moved 60/This way and that, and then gave forth such breath: 'If I believed that my reply were made To one who to the world would e'er return, This flame without more flickering would stand still; But inasmuch as never from this depth Did any one return, if I hear true, Without the fear of infamy I answer, I was a man of arms, then Cordelier, Believing thus begirt to make amends; And truly my belief had been fulfilled 70/But for the High Priest, whom may ill betide, Who put me back into my former sins; And how and wherefore I will have thee hear. While I was still the form of bone and pulp My mother gave to me, the deeds I did Were not those of a lion, but a fox. The machinations and the covert ways I knew them all, and practised so their craft, That to the ends of earth the sound went forth. When now unto that portion of mine age 80/I saw myself arrived, when each one ought To lower the sails, and coil away the ropes, That which before had pleased me then displeased me; And penitent and confessing I surrendered, Ah woe is me! and it would have bestead me; The Leader of the modern Pharisees Having a war near unto Lateran, And not with Saracens nor with the Jews, For each one of his enemies was Christian, And none of them had been to conquer Acre, 90/Nor merchandising in the Sultan's land, Nor the high office, nor the sacred orders, In him regarded, nor in me that cord Which used to make those girt with it more meagre; But even as Constantine sought out Sylvester To cure his leprosy, within Soracte, So this one sought me out as an adept To cure him of the fever of his pride. Counsel he asked of me, and I was silent, Because his words appeared inebriate. 100/And then he said: 'Be not thy heart afraid; Henceforth I thee absolve; and thou instruct me How to raze Palestrina to the ground. Heaven have I power to lock and to unlock, As thou dost know; therefore the keys are two, The which my predecessor held not dear.' Then urged me on his weighty arguments There, where my silence was the worst advice; And said I: 'Father, since thou washest me Of that sin into which I now must fall, 110/The promise long with the fulfilment short Will make thee triumph in thy lofty seat.' Francis came afterward, when I was dead, For me; but one of the black Cherubim Said to him: 'Take him not; do me no wrong; He must come down among my servitors, Because he gave the fraudulent advice From which time forth I have been at his hair; For who repents not cannot be absolved, Nor can one both repent and will at once, 120/Because of the contradiction which consents not.' O miserable me! how I did shudder When he seized on me, saying: 'Peradventure Thou didst not think that I was a logician!' He bore me unto Minos, who entwined Eight times his tail about his stubborn back, And after he had bitten it in great rage, Said: 'Of the thievish fire a culprit this;' Wherefore, here where thou seest, am I lost, And vested thus in going I bemoan me.' 130/When it had thus completed its recital, The flame departed uttering lamentations, Writhing and flapping its sharp-pointed horn. Onward we passed, both I and my Conductor, Up o'er the crag above another arch, Which the moat covers, where is paid the fee By those who, sowing discord, win their burden. !CANTO XXVIII. Who ever could, e'en with untrammelled words, Tell of the blood and of the wounds in full Which now I saw, by many times narrating? Each tongue would for a certainty fall short By reason of our speech and memory, That have small room to comprehend so much. If were again assembled all the people Which formerly upon the fateful land Of Puglia were lamenting for their blood 10/Shed by the Romans and the lingering war That of the rings made such illustrious spoils, As Livy has recorded, who errs not, With those who felt the agony of blows By making counterstand to Robert Guiscard, And all the rest, whose bones are gathered still At Ceperano, where a renegade Was each Apulian, and at Tagliacozzo, Where without arms the old Alardo conquered, And one his limb transpierced, and one lopped off, 20/Should show, it would be nothing to compare With the disgusting mode of the ninth Bolgia. A cask by losing centre-piece or cant Was never shattered so, as I saw one Rent from the chin to where one breaketh wind. Between his legs were hanging down his entrails; His heart was visible, and the dismal sack That maketh excrement of what is eaten. While I was all absorbed in seeing him, He looked at me, and opened with his hands 30/His bosom, saying: 'See now how I rend me; How mutilated, see, is Mahomet; In front of me doth Ali weeping go, Cleft in the face from forelock unto chin; And all the others whom thou here beholdest, Disseminators of scandal and of schism While living were, and therefore are cleft thus. A devil is behind here, who doth cleave us Thus cruelly, unto the falchion's edge Putting again each one of all this ream, 40/When we have gone around the doleful road; By reason that our wounds are closed again Ere any one in front of him repass. But who art thou, that musest on the crag, Perchance to postpone going to the pain That is adjudged upon thine accusations?' 'He's not dead yet, and he's not a sinner,' My Master made reply, 'here for punishment; He's just here for the sightseeing. I, on the other hand, am dead, his guide. 50/I'm showing him the ropes of the place; Because God asked me to do this favor.' More than a hundred were there when they heard him, Who in the moat stood still to look at me, Through wonderment oblivious of their torture. 'Now say to Fra Dolcino, then, to arm him, Thou, who perhaps wilt shortly see the sun, If soon he wish not here to follow me, So with provisions, that no stress of snow May give the victory to the Novarese, 60/Which otherwise to gain would not be easy.' After one foot to go away he lifted, This word did Mahomet say unto me, Then to depart upon the ground he stretched it. Another one, who had his throat pierced through, And nose cut off close underneath the brows, And had no longer but a single ear, Staying to look in wonder with the others, Before the others did his gullet open, Which outwardly was red in every part, 70/And said: 'O thou, whom guilt doth not condemn, And whom I once saw up in Latian land, Unless too great similitude deceive me, Call to remembrance Pier da Medicina, If e'er thou see again the lovely plain That from Vercelli slopes to Marcabo, And make it known to the best two of Fano, To Messer Guido and Angiolello likewise, That if foreseeing here be not in vain, Cast over from their vessel shall they be, 80/And drowned near unto the Cattolica, By the betrayal of a tyrant fell. Between the isles of Cyprus and Majorca Neptune ne'er yet beheld so great a crime, Neither of pirates nor Argolic people. That traitor, who sees only with one eye, And holds the land, which some one here with me Would fain be fasting from the vision of, Will make them come unto a parley with him; Then will do so, that to Focara's wind 90/They will not stand in need of vow or prayer.' And I to him: 'Show to me and declare, If thou wouldst have me bear up news of thee, Who is this person of the bitter vision.' Then did he lay his hand upon the jaw Of one of his companions, and his mouth Oped, crying: 'This is he, and he speaks not. This one, being banished, every doubt submerged In Caesar by affirming the forearmed Always with detriment allowed delay.' 100/O how bewildered unto me appeared, With tongue asunder in his windpipe slit, Curio, who in speaking was so bold! And one, who both his hands dissevered had, The stumps uplifting through the murky air, So that the blood made horrible his face, Cried out: 'Thou shalt remember Mosca also, Who said, alas! 'A thing done has an end!' Which was an ill seed for the Tuscan people.' 'And death unto thy race,' thereto I added; 110/Whence he, accumulating woe on woe, Departed, like a person sad and crazed. But I remained to look upon the crowd; And saw a thing which I should be afraid, Without some further proof, even to recount, If it were not that conscience reassures me, That good companion which emboldens man Beneath the hauberk of its feeling pure. I truly saw, and still I seem to see it, A trunk without a head walk in like manner 120/As walked the others of the mournful herd. And by the hair it held the head dissevered, Hung from the hand in fashion of a lantern, And that upon us gazed and said: 'O me!' It of itself made to itself a lamp, And they were two in one, and one in two; How that can be, He knows who so ordains it. When it was come close to the bridge's foot, It lifted high its arm with all the head, To bring more closely unto us its words, 130/Which were: 'Behold now the sore penalty, Thou, who dost breathing go the dead beholding; Behold if any be as great as this. And so that thou may carry news of me, Know that Bertram de Born am I, the same Who gave to the Young King the evil comfort. I made the father and the son rebellious; Achitophel not more with Absalom And David did with his accursed goadings. Because I parted persons so united, 140/Parted do I now bear my brain, alas! From its beginning, which is in this trunk. Thus is observed in me the counterpoise.' !CANTO XXIX. The many people and the divers wounds These eyes of mine had so inebriated, That they were wishful to stand still and weep; But said Randius: 'What are you still looking at? What is there possibly of interest Down in the writhing ghost-men? You never stared like this before now; We still have a long road to walk, Twenty-two miles yet to go! Hurry! 10/It's already past midnright! See the moon? We have only a short amount of time left, So come on buckaroo, we gotta jet.' 'If thou hadst,' I made answer thereupon, 'Attended to the cause for which I looked, Perhaps a longer stay thou wouldst have pardoned.' Meanwhile my Guide departed, and behind him I went, already making my reply, And superadding: 'In that cavern where I held mine eyes with such attention fixed, 20/I think a spirit of my blood laments The sin which down below there costs so much.' Then said the Master: 'Don't think about it. Keep your eyes on the prize and move on; He isn't going anywhere, and you are; That is one of the advantages of being alive, You get to go to other places than this one And don't have to be stuck in one location. Just think of the places you could go! Albania, Morocco, Thailand, Space. Space! 30/You could go to Space!  Space is the place.' 'O my Conductor, his own violent death, Which is not yet avenged for him,' I said, 'By any who is sharer in the shame, Made him disdainful; whence he went away, As I imagine, without speaking to me, And thereby made me pity him the more.' Thus did we speak as far as the first place Upon the crag, which the next valley shows Down to the bottom, if there were more light. 40/When we were now right over the last cloister Of Malebolge, so that its lay-brothers Could manifest themselves unto our sight, Divers lamentings pierced me through and through, Which with compassion had their arrows barbed, Whereat mine ears I covered with my hands. What pain would be, if from the hospitals Of Valdichiana, 'twixt July and September, And of Maremma and Sardinia All the diseases in one moat were gathered, 50/Such was it here, and such a stench came from it As from putrescent limbs is wont to issue. We had descended on the furthest bank From the long crag, upon the left hand still, And then more vivid was my power of sight Down tow'rds the bottom, where the ministress Of the high Lord, Justice infallible, Punishes forgers, which she here records. I do not think a sadder sight to see Was in Aegina the whole people sick, 60/(When was the air so full of pestilence, The animals, down to the little worm, All fell, and afterwards the ancient people, According as the poets have affirmed, Were from the seed of ants restored again,) Than was it to behold through that dark valley The spirits languishing in divers heaps. This on the belly, that upon the back One of the other lay, and others crawling Shifted themselves along the dismal road. 70/We step by step went onward without speech, Gazing upon and listening to the sick Who had not strength enough to lift their bodies. I saw two sitting leaned against each other, As leans in heating platter against platter, From head to foot bespotted o'er with scabs; And never saw I plied a currycomb By stable-boy for whom his master waits, Or him who keeps awake unwillingly, As every one was plying fast the bite 80/Of nails upon himself, for the great rage Of itching which no other succour had. And the nails downward with them dragged the scab, In fashion as a knife the scales of bream, Or any other fish that has them largest. 'Hey you!  Yeah, yous with the fingers,' Began my Leader unto one of them, 'The finger-guys who pinch sometimes, Are any of you Italians by chance? My buddy here likes talking to Italians, 90/Not that he's racist or anything.' 'Latians are we, whom thou so wasted seest, Both of us here,' one weeping made reply; 'But who art thou, that questionest about us?' And said the Guide: 'I am the Macho Man! With boldness I leap from cliff to cliff, And I intend to show Hell to this guy.' Then broken was their mutual support, And trembling each one turned himself to me, With others who had heard him by rebound. 100/Wholly to me did the good Master gather, Saying: 'Now you can talk to them.' And I began, since he would have it so: 'So may your memory not steal away In the first world from out the minds of men, But so may it survive 'neath many suns, Say to me who ye are, and of what people; Let not your foul and loathsome punishment Make you afraid to show yourselves to me.' 'I of Arezzo was,' one made reply, 110/'And Albert of Siena had me burned; But what I died for does not bring me here. 'Tis true I said to him, speaking in jest, That I could rise by flight into the air, And he who had conceit, but little wit, Would have me show to him the art; and only Because no Daedalus I made him, made me Be burned by one who held him as his son. But unto the last Bolgia of the ten, For alchemy, which in the world I practised, 120/Minos, who cannot err, has me condemned.' And to the Poet said I: 'Now was ever So vain a people as the Sienese? Not for a certainty the French by far.' Whereat the other leper, who had heard me, Replied unto my speech: 'Taking out Stricca, Who knew the art of moderate expenses, And Niccolo, who the luxurious use Of cloves discovered earliest of all Within that garden where such seed takes root; 130/And taking out the band, among whom squandered Caccia d'Ascian his vineyards and vast woods, And where his wit the Abbagliato proffered! But, that thou know who thus doth second thee Against the Sienese, make sharp thine eye Tow'rds me, so that my face well answer thee, And thou shalt see I am Capocchio's shade, Who metals falsified by alchemy; Thou must remember, if I well descry thee, How I a skilful ape of nature was.' !CANTO XXX. 'Twas at the time when Juno was enraged, For Semele, against the Theban blood, As she already more than once had shown, So reft of reason Athamas became, That, seeing his own wife with children twain Walking encumbered upon either hand, He cried: 'Spread out the nets, that I may take The lioness and her whelps upon the passage;' And then extended his unpitying claws, 10/Seizing the first, who had the name Learchus, And whirled him round, and dashed him on a rock; And she, with the other burthen, drowned herself;-- And at the time when fortune downward hurled The Trojan's arrogance, that all things dared, So that the king was with his kingdom crushed, Hecuba sad, disconsolate, and captive, When lifeless she beheld Polyxena, And of her Polydorus on the shore Of ocean was the dolorous one aware, 20/Out of her senses like a dog she barked, So much the anguish had her mind distorted; But not of Thebes the furies nor the Trojan Were ever seen in any one so cruel In goading beasts, and much more human members, As I beheld two shadows pale and naked, Who, biting, in the manner ran along That a boar does, when from the sty turned loose. One to Capocchio came, and by the nape Seized with its teeth his neck, so that in dragging 30/It made his belly grate the solid bottom. And the Aretine, who trembling had remained, Said to me: 'That mad sprite is Gianni Schicchi, And raving goes thus harrying other people.' 'O,' said I to him, 'so may not the other Set teeth on thee, let it not weary thee To tell us who it is, ere it dart hence.' And he to me: 'That is the ancient ghost Of the nefarious Myrrha, who became Beyond all rightful love her father's lover. 40/She came to sin with him after this manner, By counterfeiting of another's form; As he who goeth yonder undertook, That he might gain the lady of the herd, To counterfeit in himself Buoso Donati, Making a will and giving it due form.' And after the two maniacs had passed On whom I held mine eye, I turned it back To look upon the other evil-born. I saw one made in fashion of a lute, 50/If he had only had the groin cut off Just at the point at which a man is forked. The heavy dropsy, that so disproportions The limbs with humours, which it ill concocts, That the face corresponds not to the belly, Compelled him so to hold his lips apart As does the hectic, who because of thirst One tow'rds the chin, the other upward turns. 'O ye, who without any torment are, And why I know not, in the world of woe,' 60/He said to us, 'behold, and be attentive Unto the misery of Master Adam; I had while living much of what I wished, And now, alas! a drop of water crave. The rivulets, that from the verdant hills Of Cassentin descend down into Arno, Making their channels to be cold and moist, Ever before me stand, and not in vain; For far more doth their image dry me up Than the disease which strips my face of flesh. 70/The rigid justice that chastises me Draweth occasion from the place in which I sinned, to put the more my sighs in flight. There is Romena, where I counterfeited The currency imprinted with the Baptist, For which I left my body burned above. But if I here could see the tristful soul Of Guido, or Alessandro, or their brother, For Branda's fount I would not give the sight. One is within already, if the raving 80/Shades that are going round about speak truth; But what avails it me, whose limbs are tied? If I were only still so light, that in A hundred years I could advance one inch, I had already started on the way, Seeking him out among this squalid folk, Although the circuit be eleven miles, And be not less than half a mile across. For them am I in such a family; They did induce me into coining florins, 90/Which had three carats of impurity.' And I to him: 'Who are the two poor wretches That smoke like unto a wet hand in winter, Lying there close upon thy right-hand confines?' 'I found them here,' replied he, 'when I rained Into this chasm, and since they have not turned, Nor do I think they will for evermore. One the false woman is who accused Joseph, The other the false Sinon, Greek of Troy; From acute fever they send forth such reek.' 100/And one of them, who felt himself annoyed At being, peradventure, named so darkly, Smote with the fist upon his hardened paunch. It gave a sound, as if it were a drum; And Master Adam smote him in the face, With arm that did not seem to be less hard, Saying to him: 'Although be taken from me All motion, for my limbs that heavy are, I have an arm unfettered for such need.' Whereat he answer made: 'When thou didst go 110/Unto the fire, thou hadst it not so ready: But hadst it so and more when thou wast coining.' The dropsical: 'Thou sayest true in that; But thou wast not so true a witness there, Where thou wast questioned of the truth at Troy.' 'If I spake false, thou falsifiedst the coin,' Said Sinon; 'and for one fault I am here, And thou for more than any other demon.' 'Remember, perjurer, about the horse,' He made reply who had the swollen belly, 120/'And rueful be it thee the whole world knows it.' 'Rueful to thee the thirst be wherewith cracks Thy tongue,' the Greek said, 'and the putrid water That hedges so thy paunch before thine eyes.' Then the false-coiner: 'So is gaping wide Thy mouth for speaking evil, as 'tis wont; Because if I have thirst, and humour stuff me Thou hast the burning and the head that aches, And to lick up the mirror of Narcissus Thou wouldst not want words many to invite thee.' 130/In listening to them was I wholly fixed, When said the Master to me: 'Just look, Don't speak, or I'll get mad at you.' When him I heard in anger speak to me, I turned me round towards him with such shame That still it eddies through my memory. And as he is who dreams of his own harm, Who dreaming wishes it may be a dream, So that he craves what is, as if it were not; Such I became, not having power to speak, 140/For to excuse myself I wished, and still Excused myself, and did not think I did it. 'People have felt less bad over worse sins,' The Master said, 'than you have committed; So don't beat yourself up about it, Remember that the Macho Man is beside you, And that while we are together all is well Take this knowledge and with it be secure; And in the future ignore boring gossipheads.' !CANTO XXXI. One and the selfsame tongue first wounded me, So that it tinged the one cheek and the other, And then held out to me the medicine; Thus do I hear that once Achilles' spear, His and his father's, used to be the cause First of a sad and then a gracious boon. We turned our backs upon the wretched valley, Upon the bank that girds it round about, Going across it without any speech. 10/There it was less than night, and less than day, So that my sight went little in advance; But I could hear the blare of a loud horn, So loud it would have made each thunder faint, Which, counter to it following its way, Mine eyes directed wholly to one place. After the dolorous discomfiture When Charlemagne the holy emprise lost, So terribly Orlando sounded not. Short while my head turned thitherward I held 20/When many lofty towers I seemed to see, Whereat I: 'Master, say, what town is this?' And he to me: 'You're looking far ahead Into what is deep and black darkness, I think you don't know what you see. When we get there you will find out, How wrong you are about what you see; So I'll say yet again: keep moving.' Then tenderly he took me by the hand, And said: 'Before we go any further, 30/To prep you for what is coming up, I'm going to tell you right now what to expect, Those things are giants yo, not towers. They're huge.  Don't mess with them.' As, when the fog is vanishing away, Little by little doth the sight refigure Whate'er the mist that crowds the air conceals, So, piercing through the dense and darksome air, More and more near approaching tow'rd the verge, My error fled, and fear came over me; 40/Because as on its circular parapets Montereggione crowns itself with towers, E'en thus the margin which surrounds the well With one half of their bodies turreted The horrible giants, whom Jove menaces E'en now from out the heavens when he thunders. And I of one already saw the face, Shoulders, and breast, and great part of the belly, And down along his sides both of the arms. Certainly Nature, when she left the making 50/Of animals like these, did well indeed, By taking such executors from Mars; And if of elephants and whales she doth not Repent her, whosoever looketh subtly More just and more discreet will hold her for it; For where the argument of intellect Is added unto evil will and power, No rampart can the people make against it. His face appeared to me as long and large As is at Rome the pine-cone of Saint Peter's, 60/And in proportion were the other bones; So that the margin, which an apron was Down from the middle, showed so much of him Above it, that to reach up to his hair Three Frieslanders in vain had vaunted them; For I beheld thirty great palms of him Down from the place where man his mantle buckles. 'Raphael mai amech izabi almi,' Began to clamour the ferocious mouth, To which were not befitting sweeter psalms. 70/And unto him my Guide: 'Idiot soul, Get away from us and blow your horn, Whenever you are feeling out of sorts. It's hanging around your neck, you fool I know you're too stupid to remember this, But if you look down you'll surely find it.' Then said to me: 'This guy is The Worst; His name is Nimrod and he lives up to it. He barely is able to understand words. Don't bother talking to him, it's pointless; 80/He will probably just get mad and confused That's what always happens. I would know.' Therefore a longer journey did we make, Turned to the left, and a crossbow-shot oft We found another far more fierce and large. In binding him, who might the master be I cannot say; but he had pinioned close Behind the right arm, and in front the other, With chains, that held him so begirt about From the neck down, that on the part uncovered 90/It wound itself as far as the fifth gyre. 'This cocky fellow decided to pick a fight And pit his own strength against Jupiter,' My Leader said, 'the God, not the planet. Ephialtes is his name; and he was strong. But not strong enough to defeat Zeus; So now he's chained here like a sucker.' And I to him: 'If possible, I should wish That of the measureless Briareus These eyes of mine might have experience.' 100/Whence he replied: 'You'll get to see Antaeus He's close by and free to speak with us, Lucky for him he never was chained up. Further past him is the one you mentioned, He is bound, much like Ephialtes here, Except Briareus is way more fearsome.' There never was an earthquake of such might That it could shake a tower so violently, As Ephialtes suddenly shook himself. Then was I more afraid of death than ever, 110/For nothing more was needful than the fear, If I had not beheld the manacles. Then we proceeded farther in advance, And to Antaeus came, who, full five ells Without the head, forth issued from the cavern. 'Hey Antaeus buddy, long time no see! How's it going down here?  Still sucky? That's a shame. Look, this here is Dante. I'm guiding his sorry rear through Hell, And we need a little bit of help from you. 120/Do you think you could lend us a hand? It would take us a long time of traveling Whereas if you could grap and pick us up, We could make some really excellent time. Don't forget that you owe me Antaeus, I never collected on last month's poker game; And if you do this for us I'll call us square. Plus there's something in it for you as well; This guy is alive; when he goes back to Earth, He'll totally tell everybody how cool you are.' 130/So said the Master; and in haste the other His hands extended and took up my Guide,-- Hands whose great pressure Hercules once felt. Virgilius, when he felt himself embraced, Said unto me: 'Come on buddy, grab my hand;' Then of himself and me one bundle made. As seems the Carisenda, to behold Beneath the leaning side, when goes a cloud Above it so that opposite it hangs; Such did Antaeus seem to me, who stood 140/Watching to see him stoop, and then it was I could have wished to go some other way. But lightly in the abyss, which swallows up Judas with Lucifer, he put us down; Nor thus bowed downward made he there delay, But, as a mast does in a ship, uprose. !CANTO XXXII. If I had rhymes both rough and stridulous, As were appropriate to the dismal hole Down upon which thrust all the other rocks, I would press out the juice of my conception More fully; but because I have them not, Not without fear I bring myself to speak; For 'tis no enterprise to take in jest, To sketch the bottom of all the universe, Nor for a tongue that cries Mamma and Babbo. 10/But may those Ladies help this verse of mine, Who helped Amphion in enclosing Thebes, That from the fact the word be not diverse. O rabble ill-begotten above all, Who're in the place to speak of which is hard, 'Twere better ye had here been sheep or goats! When we were down within the darksome well, Beneath the giant's feet, but lower far, And I was scanning still the lofty wall, I heard it said to me: 'Look how thou steppest! 20/Take heed thou do not trample with thy feet The heads of the tired, miserable brothers!' Whereat I turned me round, and saw before me And underfoot a lake, that from the frost The semblance had of glass, and not of water. So thick a veil ne'er made upon its current In winter-time Danube in Austria, Nor there beneath the frigid sky the Don, As there was here; so that if Tambernich Had fallen upon it, or Pietrapana, 30/E'en at the edge 'twould not have given a creak. And as to croak the frog doth place himself With muzzle out of water,--when is dreaming Of gleaning oftentimes the peasant-girl,-- Livid, as far down as where shame appears, Were the disconsolate shades within the ice, Setting their teeth unto the note of storks. Each one his countenance held downward bent; From mouth the cold, from eyes the doleful heart Among them witness of itself procures. 40/When round about me somewhat I had looked, I downward turned me, and saw two so close, The hair upon their heads together mingled. 'Ye who so strain your breasts together, tell me,' I said, 'who are you;' and they bent their necks, And when to me their faces they had lifted, Their eyes, which first were only moist within, Gushed o'er the eyelids, and the frost congealed The tears between, and locked them up again. Clamp never bound together wood with wood 50/So strongly; whereat they, like two he-goats, Butted together, so much wrath o'ercame them. And one, who had by reason of the cold Lost both his ears, still with his visage downward, Said: 'Why dost thou so mirror thyself in us? If thou desire to know who these two are, The valley whence Bisenzio descends Belonged to them and to their father Albert. They from one body came, and all Caina Thou shalt search through, and shalt not find a shade 60/More worthy to be fixed in gelatine; Not he in whom were broken breast and shadow At one and the same blow by Arthur's hand; Focaccia not; not he who me encumbers So with his head I see no farther forward, And bore the name of Sassol Mascheroni; Well knowest thou who he was, if thou art Tuscan. And that thou put me not to further speech, Know that I Camicion de' Pazzi was, And wait Carlino to exonerate me.' 70/Then I beheld a thousand faces, made Purple with cold; whence o'er me comes a shudder, And evermore will come, at frozen ponds. And while we were advancing tow'rds the middle, Where everything of weight unites together, And I was shivering in the eternal shade, Whether 'twere will, or destiny, or chance, I know not; but in walking 'mong the heads I struck my foot hard in the face of one. Weeping he growled: 'Why dost thou trample me? 80/Unless thou comest to increase the vengeance of Montaperti, why dost thou molest me?' And I: 'My Master, now wait here for me, That I through him may issue from a doubt; Then thou mayst hurry me, as thou shalt wish.' The Leader stopped; and to that one I said Who was blaspheming vehemently still: 'Who art thou, that thus reprehendest others?' 'Now who art thou, that goest through Antenora Smiting,' replied he, 'other people's cheeks, 90/So that, if thou wert living, 'twere too much?' 'Living I am, and dear to thee it may be,' Was my response, 'if thou demandest fame, That 'mid the other notes thy name I place.' And he to me: 'For the reverse I long; Take thyself hence, and give me no more trouble; For ill thou knowest to flatter in this hollow.' Then by the scalp behind I seized upon him, And said: 'It must needs be thou name thyself, Or not a hair remain upon thee here.' 100/Whence he to me: 'Though thou strip off my hair, I will not tell thee who I am, nor show thee, If on my head a thousand times thou fall.' I had his hair in hand already twisted, And more than one shock of it had pulled out, He barking, with his eyes held firmly down, When cried another: 'What doth ail thee, Bocca? Is't not enough to clatter with thy jaws, But thou must bark? what devil touches thee?' 'Now,' said I, 'I care not to have thee speak, 110/Accursed traitor; for unto thy shame I will report of thee veracious news.' 'Begone,' replied he, 'and tell what thou wilt, But be not silent, if thou issue hence, Of him who had just now his tongue so prompt; He weepeth here the silver of the French; 'I saw,' thus canst thou phrase it, 'him of Duera There where the sinners stand out in the cold.' If thou shouldst questioned be who else was there, Thou hast beside thee him of Beccaria, 120/Of whom the gorget Florence slit asunder; Gianni del Soldanier, I think, may be Yonder with Ganellon, and Tebaldello Who oped Faenza when the people slep.' Already we had gone away from him, When I beheld two frozen in one hole, So that one head a hood was to the other; And even as bread through hunger is devoured, The uppermost on the other set his teeth, There where the brain is to the nape united. 130/Not in another fashion Tydeus gnawed The temples of Menalippus in disdain, Than that one did the skull and the other things. 'O thou, who showest by such bestial sign Thy hatred against him whom thou art eating, Tell me the wherefore,' said I, 'with this compact, That if thou rightfully of him complain, In knowing who ye are, and his transgression, I in the world above repay thee for it, If that wherewith I speak be not dried up.' !CANTO XXXIII. His mouth uplifted from his grim repast, That sinner, wiping it upon the hair Of the same head that he behind had wasted. Then he began: 'Thou wilt that I renew The desperate grief, which wrings my heart already To think of only, ere I speak of it; But if my words be seed that may bear fruit Of infamy to the traitor whom I gnaw, Speaking and weeping shalt thou see together. 10/I know not who thou art, nor by what mode Thou hast come down here; but a Florentine Thou seemest to me truly, when I hear thee. Thou hast to know I was Count Ugolino, And this one was Ruggieri the Archbishop; Now I will tell thee why I am such a neighbour. That, by effect of his malicious thoughts, Trusting in him I was made prisoner, And after put to death, I need not say; But ne'ertheless what thou canst not have heard, 20/That is to say, how cruel was my death, Hear shalt thou, and shalt know if he has wronged me. A narrow perforation in the mew, Which bears because of me the title of Famine, And in which others still must be locked up, Had shown me through its opening many moons Already, when I dreamed the evil dream Which of the future rent for me the veil. This one appeared to me as lord and master, Hunting the wolf and whelps upon the mountain 30/For which the Pisans cannot Lucca see. With sleuth-hounds gaunt, and eager, and well trained, Gualandi with Sismondi and Lanfianchi He had sent out before him to the front. After brief course seemed unto me forespent The father and the sons, and with sharp tushes It seemed to me I saw their flanks ripped open. When I before the morrow was awake, Moaning amid their sleep I heard my sons Who with me were, and asking after bread. 40/Cruel indeed art thou, if yet thou grieve not, Thinking of what my heart foreboded me, And weep'st thou not, what art thou wont to weep at? They were awake now, and the hour drew nigh At which our food used to be brought to us, And through his dream was each one apprehensive; And I heard locking up the under door Of the horrible tower; whereat without a word I gazed into the faces of my sons. I wept not, I within so turned to stone; 50/They wept; and darling little Anselm mine Said: 'Thou dost gaze so, father, what doth ail thee?' Still not a tear I shed, nor answer made All of that day, nor yet the night thereafter, Until another sun rose on the world. As now a little glimmer made its way Into the dolorous prison, and I saw Upon four faces my own very aspect, Both of my hands in agony I bit; And, thinking that I did it from desire 60/Of eating, on a sudden they uprose, And said they: 'Father, much less pain 'twill give us If thou do eat of us; thyself didst clothe us With this poor flesh, and do thou strip it off.' I calmed me then, not to make them more sad. That day we all were silent, and the next. Ah! obdurate earth, wherefore didst thou not open? When we had come unto the fourth day, Gaddo Threw himself down outstretched before my feet, Saying, 'My father, why dost thou not help me?' 70/And there he died; and, as thou seest me, I saw the three fall, one by one, between The fifth day and the sixth; whence I betook me, Already blind, to groping over each, And three days called them after they were dead; Then hunger did what sorrow could not do.' When he had said this, with his eyes distorted, The wretched skull resumed he with his teeth, Which, as a dog's, upon the bone were strong. Ah! Pisa, thou opprobrium of the people 80/Of the fair land there where the 'Si' doth sound, Since slow to punish thee thy neighbours are, Let the Capraia and Gorgona move, And make a hedge across the mouth of Arno That every person in thee it may drown! For if Count Ugolino had the fame Of having in thy castles thee betrayed, Thou shouldst not on such cross have put his sons. Guiltless of any crime, thou modern Thebes! Their youth made Uguccione and Brigata, 90/And the other two my song doth name above! We passed still farther onward, where the ice Another people ruggedly enswathes, Not downward turned, but all of them reversed. Weeping itself there does not let them weep, And grief that finds a barrier in the eyes Turns itself inward to increase the anguish; Because the earliest tears a cluster form, And, in the manner of a crystal visor, Fill all the cup beneath the eyebrow full. 100/And notwithstanding that, as in a callus, Because of cold all sensibility Its station had abandoned in my face, Still it appeared to me I felt some wind; Whence I: 'My Master, who sets this in motion? Is not below here every vapour quenched?' Whence he to me: 'Very soon you'll know. You will see with your own eyes the answer, And know the source of the frigid winds.' And one of the wretches of the frozen crust 110/Cried out to us: 'O souls so merciless That the last post is given unto you, Lift from mine eyes the rigid veils, that I May vent the sorrow which impregns my heart A little, e'er the weeping recongeal.' Whence I to him: 'If thou wouldst have me help thee Say who thou wast; and if I free thee not, May I go to the bottom of the ice.' Then he replied: 'I am Friar Alberigo; He am I of the fruit of the bad garden, 120/Who here a date am getting for my fig.' 'O,' said I to him, 'now art thou, too, dead?' And he to me: 'How may my body fare Up in the world, no knowledge I possess. Such an advantage has this Ptolomaea, That oftentimes the soul descendeth here Sooner than Atropos in motion sets it. And, that thou mayest more willingly remove From off my countenance these glassy tears, Know that as soon as any soul betrays 130/As I have done, his body by a demon Is taken from him, who thereafter rules it, Until his time has wholly been revolved. Itself down rushes into such a cistern; And still perchance above appears the body Of yonder shade, that winters here behind me. This thou shouldst know, if thou hast just come down; It is Ser Branca d' Oria, and many years Have passed away since he was thus locked up.' 'I think,' said I to him, 'thou dost deceive me; 140/For Branca d' Oria is not dead as yet, And eats, and drinks, and sleeps, and puts on clothes.' 'In moat above,' said he, 'of Malebranche, There where is boiling the tenacious pitch, As yet had Michel Zanche not arrived, When this one left a devil in his stead In his own body and one near of kin, Who made together with him the betrayal. But hitherward stretch out thy hand forthwith, Open mine eyes;'--and open them I did not, 150/And to be rude to him was courtesy. Ah, Genoese! ye men at variance With every virtue, full of every vice Wherefore are ye not scattered from the world? For with the vilest spirit of Romagna I found of you one such, who for his deeds In soul already in Cocytus bathes, And still above in body seems alive! !CANTO XXXIV. 'Now we are in the pit of Hell, Now look at what lies at the core,' My Master said, 'if you can see him.' As, when there breathes a heavy fog, or when Our hemisphere is darkening into night, Appears far off a mill the wind is turning, Methought that such a building then I saw; And, for the wind, I drew myself behind My Guide, because there was no other shelter. 10/Now was I, and with fear in verse I put it, There where the shades were wholly covered up, And glimmered through like unto straws in glass. Some prone are lying, others stand erect, This with the head, and that one with the soles; Another, bow-like, face to feet inverts. When in advance so far we had proceeded, That it my Master pleased to show to me The creature who once had the beauteous semblance, He from before me moved and made me stop, 20/Saying: 'Look upon the core of Hell, And summon your most Macho of spirits!' How frozen I became and powerless then, Ask it not, Reader, for I write it not, Because all language would be insufficient. I did not die, and I alive remained not; Think for thyself now, hast thou aught of wit, What I became, being of both deprived. The Emperor of the kingdom dolorous From his mid-breast forth issued from the ice; 30/And better with a giant I compare Than do the giants with those arms of his; Consider now how great must be that whole, Which unto such a part conforms itself. Were he as fair once, as he now is foul, And lifted up his brow against his Maker, Well may proceed from him all tribulation. O, what a marvel it appeared to me, When I beheld three faces on his head! The one in front, and that vermilion was; 40/Two were the others, that were joined with this Above the middle part of either shoulder, And they were joined together at the crest; And the right-hand one seemed 'twixt white and yellow; The left was such to look upon as those Who come from where the Nile falls valley-ward. Underneath each came forth two mighty wings, Such as befitting were so great a bird; Sails of the sea I never saw so large. No feathers had they, but as of a bat 50/Their fashion was; and he was waving them, So that three winds proceeded forth therefrom. Thereby Cocytus wholly was congealed. With six eyes did he weep, and down three chins Trickled the tear-drops and the bloody drivel. At every mouth he with his teeth was crunching A sinner, in the manner of a brake, So that he three of them tormented thus. To him in front the biting was as naught Unto the clawing, for sometimes the spine 60/Utterly stripped of all the skin remained. 'That soul up there which has the greatest pain,' The Master said, 'is Judas Iscariot; You cna probably figure out why. If you look a little lower in the mouth, You can see a fellow hanging; that's Brutus. The way he writhes shows he must be in pain. The third one there is Cassius. See him? But the night is almost over now, yes? We need to press on. You've seen it all.' 70/As seemed him good, I clasped him round the neck, And he the vantage seized of time and place, And when the wings were opened wide apart, He laid fast hold upon the shaggy sides; From fell to fell descended downward then Between the thick hair and the frozen crust. When we were come to where the thigh revolves Exactly on the thickness of the haunch, The Guide, with labour and with hard-drawn breath, Turned round his head where he had had his legs, 80/And grappled to the hair, as one who mounts, So that to Hell I thought we were returning. 'Hold on tight and make sure not to slip,' The Master said, panting as one fatigued, 'We are leaving the center of evil behind.' Then through the opening of a rock he issued, And down upon the margin seated me; Then tow'rds me he outstretched his wary step. I lifted up mine eyes and thought to see Lucifer in the same way I had left him; 90/And I beheld him upward hold his legs. And if I then became disquieted, Let stolid people think who do not see What the point is beyond which I had passed. 'Rise up,' the Master said, 'on your feet; The way is long, and the road is hard, And the sun is now rising in the sky.' It was not any palace corridor There where we were, but dungeon natural, With floor uneven and unease of light. 100/'Ere from the abyss I tear myself away, My Master,' said I when I had arisen, 'To draw me from an error speak a little; Where is the ice? and how is this one fixed Thus upside down? and how in such short time From eve to morn has the sun made his transit?' And he to me: 'A wizard did it.' A place there is below, from Beelzebub As far receding as the tomb extends, Which not by sight is known, but by the sound 110/Of a small rivulet, that there descendeth Through chasm within the stone, which it has gnawed With course that winds about and slightly falls. The Guide and I into that hidden road Now entered, to return to the bright world; And without care of having any rest We mounted up, he first and I the second, Till I beheld through a round aperture Some of the beauteous things that Heaven doth bear; Thence we came forth to rebehold the stars.

Ruggie x Sky - How Pretty

Because I’m a sucker for festival dates, after all T_T

Sky let out a dejected sigh as she walked through the festival stalls. Everywhere she looked were couples, friend groups, or families, all having fun: yet here she was, ruminating as she hung her head low. Night Raven College was celebrating one of its anniversaries, and truly, she couldn’t even remember what that celebration was for. But what she knew is that she messed up, big, big time.

--

“Oi, Sky- you sure about this? That box’s kinda heavy, isn’t it?” Ace looked dubious as he saw Sky pick up a box full of paint tins.

“Ace, what do you take me for? Carrying such a small box will be a piece of cake for me.”

She regretted those words as soon as they left her mouth. What was even in that box? Sky was told it was only 'a few’ paint tins meant to help the art club design posters, but the box was a lot heavier than she had thought. Nevertheless, her pride wouldn’t let her admit that she couldn’t carry it- so off she went, legs wobbling. But seriously- why was that box so big? She couldn’t even see the ground, and-

“Wah- Sky, careful!”

“Huh?”

As soon as she heard Ace’s voice, Sky looked up- only to feel herself lose balance on the slippery ground. Her brain couldn’t process what had happened- but in the span of a few seconds, she landed on the ground, the box’s content shattered on the floor, and saw... someone drenched in paint?

“Sky, you oka-” Ace rushed over before stopping. “Who- WAH? Dorm Leader Riddle???”

“R-Rosehearts-senpai?” Sky’s eyes widened as she heard Ace pronounce his name. But her classmate was right- right in front of her was Riddle, completely drenched in green paint.

“.....”

Riddle stood there for a second, seemingly processing what just happened. Ace and Sky, frozen in fear, waited for him to explode- but to their surprise, Riddle just sighed and wiped some paint off his face. His eyes seemed to say, not surprised.... as he spoke to Sky:

“Sky, I think it’s better if you don’t handle the manual work- as a matter of fact, I think it’s better if you walk around the festival for now.”

--

Sky felt tears prickle her eyes as she recalled the events. Ah, seriously, how could she embarrass herself that badly? Ace tried to cheer her up, “Do you not realise how lucky you are?? It would have been off with your head for me!!”, but even her friend’s attempts at recomforting her felt futile as she remembered the expression on Riddle’s face.

It’s not like I was expecting anything from you, anyway. It was the exact expression everyone always looked at her with. Especially him. It felt that as time passed, the distance between them was growing further and further- she was trying her best, but no matter what she did, things always ended up going south. Would she always remain the little black duck of the family? Lost in her thoughts, Sky did not notice the silhouette behind her, until she felt a hand on her shoulder-

“Kyaaah!! what-” Sky jumped, startled, until she recognised the owner of the hand. “Ruggie?? You scared me!”

“I could say the same thing, y’know! What’s up with ya? I tried callin’ you, but you just wouldn’t pick up. What are ya doin’ all alone?”

“Ruggie....”

“Huh? Why are you crying? Wait, wait, explain-”

--

“... So that’s what happened, huh.”

“Ugh... Seriously, so embarrassing... I wanna hide in a hole....” Sky sighed, sitting on a bench, a little further from the festival.

“But aren’t ya happy? That he didn’t get mad, I mean?”

“Of course not!! If he doesn’t get upset, that means he was totally expecting it!!” Sky eyes teared up again. “I tried so hard to build a reputation, but now it feels like everyone knows how useless I am, that they don’t even have expectations for me anymore....”

Ruggie looked at the young girl next to him. Slowly, he reached his hand to pat her head, looking away as she started sobbing. The laughter and lights from the festival in the distance seemed almost cruel as Sky struggled to catch her breath. Why do things never go as planned?

“... Ain’t that better, though?”

“Huh?” Surprised, her tears stopped as she peered over at Ruggie.

“The fact that people know how you truly are, y’know. Doesn’t it feel better, to not have to keep up a front and whatnot?”

“But-”

“No one’s perfect, y’know. Not Jamil, not me- not even Vil-san, or Malleus-san. Everyone goes through hardships ‘n’stuff. Ain’t that normal?” At the mention of Jamil’s name, Sky’s face fell. “We all go through trials, and that’s what life’s all about, doesn’t it? Doesn’t come with a guide book or anythin’.” His eyes met Sky’s. “What just happened, wasn’t that because ya didn’t ask for help? It’s rich comin’ from me, but y’know, asking for help isn’t a bad thing. No one’s gonna judge you for that, m’kay?”

Sky let out a small hum as she diverted her attention back to the stall. The lights seemed even stronger reflected in her teary eyes, and Ruggie was almost enchanted by the sight. Shaking his head, he snapped out of it, and stood up. Startled, Sky looked at him with a surprised expression as Ruggie extended his hand to her.

“Now, what d’ya say about us visiting the festival? Might as well, right? Shishishi ~”

--

“Waaah, Ruggie, you’re amazing!!!”

Sky marvelled over Ruggie’s goldfish scooping skills, as the young hyena managed to catch another 3 goldfishes at once. The Octavinelle student responsible for the stand seemed to grow more and more uneasy as his goldfish stock began to shrivel. Seriously, how is that guy so good at this...?

“Heh, that’s nothin’ for me, y’know ~” Ruggie’s ears wiggled, obviously delighted by the praise. “In my hometown, we often go fishin’, and stuff.”

“Fishing? But... not for goldfishes, right?” Sky looked caught off-guard. Eating goldfishes...? Seeing her expression, Ruggie could not resist teasing her.

“Shishishi, of course we did. Goldfishes are delicious, y’know? Want me to cook them for you later?”

“H-huh? No!!!! You shouldn’t eat goldfishes!! Look how adorable they are!!!” Instinctively, Sky protectively held her goldfish to her chest. Ruggie couldn’t help but laugh at her innocence.

“Shishishi, you believe me way too easily ~” but Sky’s expression remained full of suspicion. “... Oi, what d’ya take me for... Why would I eat goldfishes, there’s barely any nutrients in them, y’know.”

“.. Pff... Hahaha... Ruggie, you’re seriously so weird.” It was Ruggie’s turn to get caught off-guard. Sky finally looked like she was back to normal, and he couldn’t help but slightly blush at her smiling face.

“.. Ah, that’s right. Wanna go to another stand?” He tried changing the subject, looking away to hide his rosy cheeks.

“Ah- I completely forgot about it!” Sky jerked up, startling Ruggie in the process. “Ignihyde are doing a carabine stand- I heard Mayu sewed cute plushies as prizes, I wanna go!!”

--

“Aaah ~ that was fun....” Sky sighed as she sat on a bench near to another stall.

“Sure was. Didn’t know those Ignihyde guys designed a whole zombie-style shootin’ game... Kinda felt off with the whole festival theme, but it was fun ~” Ruggie leaned back on the bench, stretching as he drank a can of fresh coke.

“Ah... We walked for so long, I’m super thirsty now...”

“Mh? Wanna drink mine?”

“Huh?” Sky blushed as her eyes widened. “N-No way! That’s basically an indirect kiss!!!”

“An indirect ki-” Ruggie looked caught off guard, before switching to a grin, scooting closer to Sky. “Shishishi, if that’s the first thing ya thought about, must’ve been on yer mind, hasn’t it? ~”

“W-??? No, of course not!!!” Sky got up, as red as a tomato. “I-I’ll go get my own, you stay here!!!”

“Want me to-”

“No!!!! I don’t need you to come!!! You stay here!!!”

The young girl stormed off, ears flaming as Ruggie let out a small laughter. Man, was he glad to finally see her acting like her usual self again. Jamil’s Overblot really affected her, after all: for a few weeks, she barely smiled, sighing and looking dejected whenever she was alone. Ruggie had been seriously worried about her- she really took her vice dorm head’s ob personally, and had avoided all social interactions for a while. But a month after, it finally seemed like she was regaining hope. Aah ~ how troublesome... But I’m glad. He thought, watching over Sky as she pondered over which drink to buy.

“- Hey, isn’t that Gray-senpai lil’ sis?”

“Ah, Sky Cymatilis, right? Yeah, heard about her.”

“She’s kinda cute, isn’t she? Man, they’re really do look alike.”

“Nah, leave it, wouldn’t bother. They’re like night and day.”

Ruggie snapped out of his thoughts as he overheard two RSA students walk past. Were they talking about Sky? Little sister? Sky never really talked about her family, but Ruggie remembered overhearing Sky and Ace complain about older siblings. What that ‘Gray-senpai’ her older brother? And what was that last comment about?

“Alright, I’m back!!!”

“Ah, Sky, welcome back. What did ya get?”

“This cool drink from the Mostro Lounge stall, they had so many flavours!”

“I see, I see ~” Ruggie sipped on his drink absentmindedly, before turning to the girl next to him. “... Hey, Sky. Got any siblings?”

“H-huh? S-siblings?” Sky expression looked like she had just swallowed salt. “A-ah.. Well... I do... K-kinda... An older brother...”

Ruggie hummed a small ah, I see, as he finished his drink. Sky’s reaction told him what he wanted- that it was a sensitive subject all right, so he chose not to pry about it further. She’d tell him about it in due time, probably. On the other hand, Sky seemed preoccupied as she twirled the drink in her hand. Siblings, huh.... After a few minutes of silence, Ruggie plopped a hand on her head.

“Wanna go see fireworks? They should be startin’ soon. I know a perfect spot for that ~”

--

“Waaah, this place is so nice!”

“Heh, of course ~ Savanclaw’s the best place for firework viewin’.”

“Seems like a lot ofstudents thought the same, huh. It’s fuller than I expected.” Sky leaned back on the rock Ruggie chose, considerably higher than the rest. “But it’s a lot comfier than I thought, and we’re going to get such a great view of the fireworks!!”

“Shishishi  ~ Got that right.” Ruggie smiled, turning his head as soon as he heard a loud BANG! “Oh, they’re startin’.”

The two young students remained in silence for a while, in awe of the fireworks. Crowley made sure that NRC’s festival would be more impressive than RSA’s, all the way down to the colours of the fireworks- the green and blue-ish colours filled the night sky, reminiscent of auroras.

“Wow.... The colours are amazing... It really feels like I’m in another country right now....”

“Yeah, they really went all-out with that one, huh.”

The show went on for a few minutes, occasionally accompanied by a bunch of “Ooh”s and “Aah”s as the fireworks depicted the face of the great seven, as well as Crowley’s own mask- which brought a few laughter from the crowd. As a rain of spark came on during the finale, everyone cheered, raising their hands to the sky, entranced by the sight.

“Wow, that is so pretty...” Sky marvelled.

“Yeah, you’re right about that.” But Ruggie hadn’t been watching the fireworks. How could he? All his attention was devoted to watching Sky’s dewy eyes, illuminated by the large-flowered fireworks.

“.... How pretty.”

Undertales of Friendship: Derp-TEMMIE-Nation

Temmie was crying in the rainy streets of Ponyville. What had just happened was absolutely horrible. The laughter, the teasing, the harsh words, it was too much for one Temmie to bear. Worse, her super deluxe ultra rare super delicious Temmie Flakes were now mushy in the mud, the catlike monster crying and shivering.

"Hey... you okay?" A kind voice said behind her. Temmie turned, and saw a sight that made her go wide eyed with uber cute happiness. The grey pegasus before her was about average size, gently flapping her wings, with seven bubbles for her flank tatoo, as Temmie called it. But the cuteness came from those eyes, one looking up, the other down, making her look so huggabale combined with thta Frisky Fun smile.

She called it that because it reminded her of Uber cute and snuggly hoooooooooooooman Frisk, such a CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!

But, she remembered what happened, and sobbed again. "Tem.... sad, so 1 lik Teme, cuz Teme tak werd."

The pony sat beside Temmie, offering her an umbrella, making the Temmie blink happily. "I know what you mean. Ponies pick on me all the time because of my derpiness. They even call me Derpy. My full name is actually Dizty Do Derpy Hooves."

Temmie smiled widely from ear to ear. Literally. "Derp e? Such a cuuuuute nam! I'm Temmie!" Temmie hopped closer. "Derp not allergic to Tem, r u?"

Derpy smiled, hugging Temmie. "Nah, Just clumsy. Ask Twilight. I once dropped a piano on her." She tilted her head a bit. "Followed by a hay cart. Followed by an anvil."

Tem went wide eyed, anime style. "OWWWWWWOWOWOW! Dat mus hut!"

"It did. But she forgave me. And now I even can fly pretty good thanks to Rainbow Dash teaching me to adapt how I fly to my vision." She pointed a hoof at her crossed eyes. "For a long time ponies thought I was retarded.... but these were just messing up my vision, making me clumsy. Some ponies still tease me about it, and I am not as bright as many others...but..."

Before she said another word, a rather annoying, nasaly voice was heard. "Oh isn't THIS rich! Looks like the Temfem found a fweeeeend." The two groaned as they saw a monster shaped like a ufo, with two eyes on the sides, a big ugly nose, and a small, mocking smile under an M shaped mustache.

Jerry.

And with him were several of the local bullies, a group of ponies who basically caused trouble for everyone. During the date bidding not long ago, they made a point of making obscene cat calls to Rainbow Dash, and shortly after the monsters came they were some of the first to rail against Muffet, saying she wanted to turn everyone into flies with her evil pastries, and eat them.

Admittedly that was partially true, but she only did that to parasprites because they were both delicious and cuddly.

"Wow, retards really DO attract."

"Man, you see her eyes?"

"I bet she can't even see us!"

"And I heard yesterday she tried to deliver the princesses's mail to Big Macintosh!"

"Big Mac? I heard she almost started a war by delivering a sex note to Queen Chrysalis!"

Temmie growled, and with one paw that got VERY long, successfully slapping every last one of them, only too late realizing her mistake.

"OOOOOOOOOO... I've been temmied! Now I am gonna have... Hoives!"

Temmie began to sob, bolting. Derpy snorted and growled at the laughing bullies. "You all oughta be ashamed of yourselves!"

Jerry snickered. "You oughta be ashamed of those eyes! I mean, are you looking up or down? Oh wait, it's BOTH!"

Derpy gritted her teeth. With a mighty whinney, she charged Jerry, knocking him down. The two were brawling as Twilight and several guards, including Papyrus, broke it up.

The look on the faces of the guards meant there would be a lot of trouble.

***

"And after what Jerry said, I didn't know what else to do hon! WHat kind of monster is that monster? He is such a.....a....."

"Monster?" Doctor Whooves said, working on his steam powered inventions while he and Derpy talked. The two had married some time before, despite obvious differences (Or perhaps because of them). Now they lived in a quaint cottage in Ponyville, where Derpy spent a lot of time baking muffins to go with the money she maid as a professional mailmare, while the Doctor worked as both a medical practitioner and a fringe scientist.

"Yeah, monster." Derpy whimpered some. "I hate Jerry."

The Doctor peeked out from under his latest work, the Steamy Dreamy 3000, meant to use a gentle steaming mist to help ponies sleep when it is too cold. "Dear, that is still no reason for assult and battery. And Jerry wound up with those bits with you paying out the nose because he had his gang as witnesses. He played you like he tried to play Temmie."

"Ohmygosh! Temmie! I forgot all about her... poor thing, she is so cute and kiind, and those creeps had no right to-"

"Dear." The Doc came over to her and nuzzled. "Think about this logically. Temmie is a very unlogical creature. Now if I were her, where would be the last place I would wanna go after being insulted?"

Derpy pondered, thinking mostly of muffins. Sweet, delicious muffins, with fresh raisins in them, and that home grown oatmeal from Sweet Apple Acres...

"Ummm.... the bakery?"

The Doc hmmmed. "Unlikely.... out of the way....very unusual..... yes, I do believe you are right love!"

Derpy blushed. "Well... I'l be honest, I was kinda asking if we could go there, all this made me kinda hungry." She made a little shy blush, the Doctor chuckling.

"Why not. I need a break and you need a pick me up. Then we can figure out what to do about Temmie."

Derpy hmmmed. "Maybe she is like me? Maybe she just needs to find what she is good at. Something that is just her?"

The two nodded, waking out of the home, humming a gentle tune (Ironically to the music of Temmie Village)

What talent does a Temmie have? What skill, does a temmie show? What job, can a Temmie do? I admit, I really just don't know. Can they sing? Dance? Love? Romance? Run? Play? Sleep all day? Do they cook? Cuddle? Solve puzzles? Do they laugh? Sing? Do anything? Sew? Sell? Ask? Tell? Kiss? Hug? Comfort? Bug? I'll tell you... It's all of the above! What power, does a Tem possess? What things, does a Temmie need? What hope, does a Temmie have? What is, their eternal creed. Can they sing? Dance? Love? Romance? Run? Play? Sleep all day? Do they cook? Cuddle? Solve puzzles? Do they laugh? Sing? Do anything? Sew? Sell? Ask? Tell? Kiss? Hug? Comfort? Bug? I'll tell you... It's all of the above! That's what a temmie does! Just like me and you! That's who  and what a temmie is! And I assure you, it is all true! Tem...Tem Tem... Tem Tem...Tem Tem... "TEM!"Derpy said in shock as she walked in. As she had guessed, unintentionally, there was Temmie, trying to hide in Muffet's Spider Batter, several spiders tryng not to laugh at the cuteness. Muffet herself had her four arms crossed.

"Look, I have no orders for a Temmie Cake...yet." Muffet added under her breath. "And I highly doubt the Cakes, speaking of which, will approve of you hiding in my cake batter."

"Tem not lik even az foob. Tem worth 0."

Derpy approached. "That's not true! You're just different is all, and different means you have different ways, like me."

Muffet nodded. "Derpy is right. You remember what I was like when I first came here, how I was ridiculed because I used spiders in my pastries?"

Nearby, a pair of changeling girls were being tickled inside and out by said spiders. "Yeah, then you found out what we think of them, you doll!" One said, the other smiling and nodding.

"Or Huey! The monster kid with no arms? No one is making fun of him now!"

At the school, Diamond Tiara smiled as the high jumping Huey retrieved her crown from a tree after a crow took it, earning a kiss from the formerly snotty pony and cheers from the other kids.

"Or TWILIGHT?!" Muffet pointed out.

Temmie blinked in surprise. "Huh?"

Derpy nodded. "Yeah, before she became a princess a lot of people made fun of her bookworm nature. But now? Now she is the princess!"

Tem huddle din the batter. "But.... tem knot lik dat...."

Muffet petted the battered Temie with sprinkles. "Yes you are. You're friendly and kind, and everyone who needs a hug can count on you for one. You're the best friend anyone could ask for, and you make everyone laugh!"

Derpy nodded.

Temmie smiled a little. "But.... wha bot Jerr?"

Muffet growled. "JERRY. Now he is someone who IS worthless. No wonder all the good monsters ditch him. He not only has no friends, he does his best to alienate them."

Derpy was confused somewhat. "But why?"

Muffet sighed. "Bullies are often self hating. But if you ask me, Jerry is a rare breed, deary. He bullies just because that is who he is. He hates friendship and hates others, he'd rather be alone yet loves to annoy others, it is like my spider doughnuts are to those changelings in his mind."

Derpy growled. "Man, even Discord has friends, how can Jerry go out of his way to ruin friendship and be happy about it?"

Muffet leaned close to the two. "Because he is... well... JERRY."

***

As the duo of Derpy and Temmie left the bakery, they saw Jerry waiting there, bulies beside him. He snickered some as he watched the two walk out.

"Well well, the cross eyed mule and the low eyed pike return! I wonder if they have any.... derptemmination?! *Snicker*

Ok, that's it. Buck this, I'm done.

"Huh?"

Everyone... let's ditch this guy. He is so annoying and wrong and even I as the writer am sick of him.

Temmie smiled. "Dat goooooo idee! Tem flakes any 1?"

Derpy smiled. "Maybe we can try some Temmie Flake muffins?"

Temmie was so excited she literrally lept 100 feet in the air with her paws still on the ground... and stayed at that height. "OOOOOO! Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom! Lezzgo!" She said, wlaking with her new long l-

"HELLLLOOOOOOOO?! I wasn't done insulting them!"

*The entire story ditches Jerry. The world is better for it. After all, who likes a bully?*

...

...

...

...Back at Derpy's house, Derpy and Temmie worked on the TemMuffins, Temmie unintenionally believing that SHE was supposed to go in one and not the flakes, resulting in a couple dozen little fruity smelling Tem Muffins, and one giant one with Temmie in the middle, breathing out actual balls of happiness that smiled as they floated by.

"Tem lik muffen. Muffen so warm!"

Derpy smiled, playfully nomming a bite. "And tasty too!"

Everyone laughed, especialy Temmie, because she was with friends who loved her, and when you had that, then who cared what anyone else thought?"

"Cuz afta all.... Tem happy is best Tem!"

TEMMIEND!

...

...

...

...JERRY: Where did everyone go? Oh come on guys! Where is everyone! Hello? Hellllllllllllllooooooooooo? *Snort* Fine,. this story is dumb anyway*

Jerry walked away. Thank goodness.

Classic Jerry.

The oeuvre of pinkgrapefruit

So an anon asked for a fic rec of the marvelous pinkgrapefruit and being the extra person I am I decided to do this, ‘cause my baby Charlotte deserves the world, and being honest, how am I supposed to pick just one?

e l e v e n  series: Season 11 as one shots. It’s beautiful and perfect and the ‘I can’t wait for us.’ still makes me want to cry. 

interlude series: 5 times + 1 time prompts (my heart was stolen every time) 

coughing up petals series: hanahaki disease or as Pink says in one of the tags ‘flowery crap’. the most beautiful thing, I seriously can’t explain how much I love this.  “...he just wants to remember what it felt like to be so in love that you couldn’t breathe.”

baby (you're like lightning in a bottle): Jose meets B’s mom!!! yes I have the biggest smile on my face and it’s because of this story. 

colour theory: THIS IS ART. It is breathtaking and I want to be buried with it!!! All the references?! my mind can’t wrap around the fact a person can write this good and convey so much with so little. “It would be quitting smoking for someone, only to take it back up again because I don't know how to live without it, even when I've learned how to live without you.”

summertime sadness: A fic inspired by a Lana del Rey song, titled after another Lana song? YES PLS. I have screamed my love for this one time and time again AND I WILL NEVER STOP, cause 1. it made me cry, for real, and 2. every time I hear Carmen my mind goes to this story. B&V are touring and having unhealthy habits to cope with their break up. Angst galore. 

trainwreck:  baby lesbians fake dating!!!! just the cutest teenagers b & v who met at a dance competition. 

say it soft (and it's almost like praying): first I love yous. How can someone steal my heart with just over 1k words???? a WHOLE journey. 

sunny (yesterday my life was full of grey): the fluffliest fluff. Just our boys being happy, which means I’m happy and you probably would be too. 

ice cream. : LESBIANS HAVING BABIES . Oh I remember how we begged Charlotte to write branjie with kids cause our hearts needed the fluff and oh boy did she deliver <3 cutest thing ever. 

delicious: do you love pancakes? do you love branjie? do you love smart metaphors? you’ll love this!

if we have each other universe:  Vanjie adopts babies. And all the queens help her raise them. No I’m not crying I just got something in my eye ok. 

the broken hearts club. : this one right here. this is my favorite work. maybe cause it hits too close to home, maybe cause it’s so beautiful in that real but shitty kinda way that life usually is, but oh dear I cried A LOT and it was so cathartic and I hated it but I love it, proceed with caution, this may break your heart. pure angst. 

summer lovin':  lesbian love island AU.I have never watched Love Island and I don’t plan to but this is FUN and cute and I’m so invested in it. 

(treat me nice) never let me go: Pretty Woman Lesbian AU. Do I need to say more? That movie is SO branjie, it’s one of the most romantic movies of all time, and it’s Vanessa’s favorite. Charlotte captures the vibe perfectly while giving you poetry and there’s nothing else I could ask for. 

g r a p e f r u i t: if you like poetry (and even if not!) give this a chance, charlotte style is breathtaking and powerful. 

If you enjoyed any of these go and leave her some love: @pink-grapefruit-cafe 💞

[TRANSLATION] VOGUE KOREA Magazine April 2019 issue x JUS2

190319 Vogue Korea JUS2 April ‘19 photoshoot & interview 

Translated by defdaily & doobseedoda

JUS2 is a unit of two members who were in charge of intensity in GOT7. This is a chemistry created when JB and Yugyeom, who love R&B in common, were absorbed in creative activities. Their hybridization was completed in a "minimal" state, which is neither strong nor soft. The mini album contains a story called six senses. Starting with the word Focus on Me, Drunk on You, Touch, Senses, Love Talk, and Long Black. It doesn't mean much nowadays to classify music into genres, but there are emotions of Deep House, Slow Jam and R&B in JUS2's music.

The unit's name was bound to be JUS2. It's only JB and Yugyeom, and it's a stage that can only be presented. "Actually, JUS2 means that it's both a performance and a song. We danced, sang, wrote and composed, and did everything." JUS2 is an example of a completely new creation without losing the members' identity in the group and reveal their talents and tastes.

Q. We are curious about the similarities and differences between you two.

JB: Our personalities are similar but our lifestyles are different. I really don't believe in blood type personalities but we're both type A and there is definitely a timid side to us. When you see us in reality we don't seem that timid. To sum it up, we're both timid and not timid at the same time (laugh). Both of us are considerate so we match well in some aspects. Yugyeom is all about 'let's live life having fun'.

Yugyeom: I don't put too much meaning behind the word 'happiness' and I'm a person who often feels happiness (doing little things).

JB: I like enjoying everyday life but I have a compulsion to not let my thoughts and mind slip alway so I tend to think a lot. There is music that we both like and there's also a point where (our styles) meet. I like strong/fast paced music and I also like calm smooth music, I like all kinds of music. Yugyeom likes the strong turn up kind of music and tends to lean towards the strong music.

Q. If GOT7's energy is bright and fresh, what would JUS2’s energy be?

Yugyeom: Jus2 would be having control and restraining yourself. If GOT7's energy is 'attacking' then JUS2’s energy is more like 'holding yourself back'.

JB: If GOT7 were the shooting star ice cream then JUS2 would be the Vanilla ice cream. Soft and smooth. Personally I like JJ Project's album the most. The story and track order contained all of what I wanted to say/include so it's the album I'm most proud of. After that is JUS2’s album which I'm highly satisfied with. Although there is no overall storyline, the theme of sensation was unraveled.

Q. You wrote and composed 'Focus On Me', if you could tell us about the collaboration process.

Yugyeom: We listen to the track and figure out whether to decide the theme first or make the melody first. The theme of FOCUS came up while writing the melody for Focus On Me and that's how it was settled. If anyone can think of a melody while listening to MR, they record it. "This part seems okay" then JB hyung sings it and I try singing it then we keep matching parts.

JB: At the start when I was working on the song and writing the chorus 'focus on me' stuck to me as matching. Since everyone else liked it we decided on it as the theme and wrote the lyrics. The first and second verse were written separately then the lyrics were put together.

Q. In what moments does inspiration tend to come to you?

JB: When I sense if a song's mood is a certain way, I think about what happened in the past or whať's happening now or what I've seen in movies and books. If I get inspiration first then I write it down in my notebook or phone. There are times when I turn songs on and look over what I have written down from the past. And sometimes the lyrics match what you want.

Q. What kind of lyrics do you think are good lyrics?

Yugyeom: the way you listen and the way you write is different. I'm the type to play a melody when I'm trying to write lyrics then I see what matches well in terms of pronunciation. JB hyung pays more attention to the lyrics so lyrics I could never think of came up (from JB). I would be into something else and hyung would come up with lyrics like ”Today you'll raise the white flag".

Q. What is a point you appreciate about each other's dancing?

JB: Yugyeom's dancing line is very clean cut. When he stretches out, the lines are really pretty and it also gives off a modern dance feel. He is the best at peculiar moves with his long legs. On the other hand my dance has more roughness.

Yugyeom: what's funny is, I realised this after watching the music video, that I dance with all my fingers out (?) together whereas hyung is the opposite

JB: (his fingers out together?) Yugyeom really likes this.

Yugyeom: That's what my favorite American dancer always did. It has become a habit.

Q. Yugyeom is always wearing black skinny pants in his Instagram dance videos, is it like a uniform?

JB: Not only when he dances, he just doesn't wear other pants in general. Yugyeom has lots of the same pants (laugh). He likes black skinny pants so much that he wears them even during practice. And he has stage shoes, which are more comfortable than sneakers, so he always wears them during practice too.

JB: For me I need the pants width to be big a little. And I always need to have sneakers on. Yugyeom likes skinny style while I'm the type to like a flimsy style.

Q. Things you talked about the most while preparing for JUS2.

JB: It was 'How should we organise/format the album”. Since it's our first time doing a minimal sound, we wondered if it would go well and we worried a lot about the album. We had lots of public relation meetings too (laugh). Looking back, it was fun. Feels like I've been travelling abroad for a few months. To be honest, I haven't been able to travel abroad much but whenever I travel even for a short time I feel really excited, but rather than an amusement park kind of fun I would feel a calm kind of fun. To paraphrase that, it's similar to the feeling.

Yugyeom: It was really fun. Seeing hyung almost everyday, we also talked a lot. I also liked the times where we would go grab a drink after finishing writing songs. Since JUS2 participated in songwriting and also outfits and choreography so it has lots of meaning. The teasers were also captured freely with a film camera while listening to music. Many new unique attempts were made in the preparation process.

Q. Feels like you have expanded a lot musically. Is there something you do to keep growing?

JB: When I see people I respect or people who are doing well think I should have more thoughts of ’Why is this all I can do'. That's how it works. I think. “Let's have a lot of experiences that will touch me, both indirectly and directly” When I have a chance, I go to exhibitions and think about the agony of the artists. I also wonder how I can use the SNS, which is so full of things, for my development. l once wondered how l could use so much SNS for my development. I take note of places and exhibitions recommended by people, I thought it would be good to get ideas from impressive artwork or videos.

Q. You've been a part of GOT7 for more than 6 years but this is your first time working together with just the two of you. Is there something new you learnt?

Yugyeom: There is no such thing. If I really try to find one, I thought hyung only ate Korean food but he actually likes eating even cream, curry and udon now.

JB: I feel like I've gotten influenced by the other members. I thought my preference for Korean food would never change but I've come to an acceptance point. Last time when we went to Paris, Bambam wanted to try snails. I rejected saying I could never eat snails but it was actually more delicious than I expected. That's the case, I have even eaten snails.

Q. If you were to pick the happiest moment in your day?

JB: When I clean the cats' dung. I see with my eyes that I can do something for someone else. I feel joy seeing the cats in a good shape/image. When I see the bin full of their dung, pride overcomes me as l know (they) have become cleaner.

Yugyeom: I'm the type who likes having lots of schedules but there are times when I become tired physically. I consult with my company and decide on a day off, and the moment I step foot into my house I feel really happy. A break once in a while could be so sweet. I'm happy when I can sleep late after working on songs all night.

Q: Is there anything you've discovered or thought about differently recently?

JB: On the way home after producing yesterday, the taxi driver took a wrong turn and we ended up at Yeouido. Looking out at the buildings through the window, this thought came to me. Within those buildings, people may be fighting or happy but the buildings seen from within the taxi only just look beautiful. I thought maybe the world looks more beautiful if you see it from a distance instead of up close. I thought we too might need some distance in our life as well.

Q: Is there anything you've discovered or thought about differently recently?

Yugyeom: I have always thought this but recently there's something that I've felt more strongly.I must really love music a lot (laughs). I would go crazy if I don't listen to it. If lI'm not listening to music, it feels like I have to and l'd keep thinking about the music I want to listen to. I've been producing songs lately and they've been very healing to me. Listening to and making good music in itself is a source of healing to me. So l realised once again. Ah, I must really love music.

Q. Do you feel the stress of writing while listening to music you like?

Yugyeom: not at all. I've never had such thoughts. There's a song I'm into lately. I really like Travis Scott's Can't Say' so l keep listening to it and watching the music video.

Q. JUS2 will have a world tour in April. GOT7 also proved themselves through a world tour too. What is the meaning behind world tours.

JB: It is like the result of one's efforts. Something that tells me how hard I've tried. An album allows me to witness the response to my agony/thoughts and a world tour allows me to experience that response.

Q. JB you've been uploading mixtapes on music sites for a few years now. How did this experience influence JUS2 work?

JB: I think it made me want to try doing what I really like. In fact, when you make music and keep storing them and going back to edit them, that way you won't have any results. Even if I get a beating (get punished) let's just show them!' that kind of mindset. The fans liked it but people around me reacted coolly. They said I put too much strength in it. I'm also considering different formats. Using the name Def. I wanted to differentiate between me who is in public and me who likes hip-hop R&B. Def. means the best with a full stop after it, ending it with the best. I wanted to convey the meaning that it's only over after I do my absolute best. Moving forward, of course l'll work hard doing the things I'm doing but I really want to show the image of me doing the things I like.

Q. What you want to achieve through JUS2.

JB: Music site ranking was not our goal. "Leť's show a fun and cool different colour”, let's show a completely different image from GOT7 were our goals. Actually even now I'm satisfied. As much as the album was well made, I like it/feel good.

Translated by: defdaily and doobseedoda

Day 3 – Fire / Happiness

Ship: Flame/Takeru

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! Vrains

Word Count: 1.8k

Tags:  Fluff, Interspecies Relationship, Pre-Canon, Pre-Slash

  Life was all about the little pleasures. That was Takeru’s more optimistic philosophy. He had some other ones, but they tended to be dour and pessimistic but when he could bring himself out of that gloomy headspace, he had to agree. Life was all about the little pleasures.

  He was pretty sure that Flame agreed.

  Observing Flame was fun, Takeru decided. He had never interacted so closely with the human world before so it was, and Takeru wants to be forgiven for this since he has no doubt in his mind that Flame would get very indignant and huffy over this comparison, but it was like watching a kitten interact with its new home for the first time. He was full of life, no matter what airs of sophistication that he put on. He was quick on the uptake but strangely clumsy about it; nearly tripping over himself as he investigated what little technology that Takeru kept around and trying to stay out of sight from Takeru’s grandparents. Takeru was certain that if his Oba-chan or Oji-chan saw Flame, they would have a heart attack and then another one after it was explained what Flame was.

  Takeru couldn’t really wrap his mind around it. Sci-fi had never been his genre and it seemed that old adage that reality was stranger than fiction really did ring true. He would never have envisioned in a million years that artificial intelligence with free will would ever come to exist. He certainly didn’t think that he would have had a hand in helping it as Flame was one such impossibility and he was based off how Takeru had duelled in those six months in captivity.

  It made him shiver. And shiver again but for a different reason. Flame made a good case for himself. Flame might have been created from the worst torture imaginable but his relationship, one on one, with Takeru didn’t have to be contingent on that. They could find a new way. That’s what Flame wanted with bright and sparkling eyes. And now, that’s what Takeru wanted. He wanted a new future and he was more than willing to let Flame spur him onto such a wild ride. It was better than wasting away in his room with nothing but his thoughts and anger.

  “I’m gonna miss this place but I think this is a good time to reinvent myself.” Takeru said as he filled out the application for Den City High School’s entrance exam.

  Flame nodded. “Good, I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Like, Kiku’s always bugging me that I’m gonna get into trouble one day and that business with that Ryu fella and his gang is a pretty close shave for it, all things considered.” Takeru said and then laughed embarrassedly.

  Not really, he thought. After all, he had been scrapes physically far worse: him against tens of other blokes of varying ages and physiques. But, emotionally, that had been something else. It had been beyond terrifying. So, Takeru was glad that Flame had been there.

  He put his pen down and stretched out his back. Flame looked up at him and there was a glow of pride emanating off him. Takeru returned it with a smile.

  “When I finish this part of my essay,” Takeru began, “let’s go get ice-cream. I know a nice little place down by my favourite pier. Lemme take you there.”

  Flame’s whole body perked up at the mere suggestion of ice-cream. Ice-cream was not something that they had in the Cyberse World. After all, they didn’t need to consume food like humans did. They could subsist purely off light and off the data of the world. Eating was an option which was, admittedly, seen as hedonistic as only the Dark Ignis really talked about human food outside of its cultural context. So, admittedly, Flame was curious to taste it since ice-cream in particular had caught his attention as he was a creature which burned hot rather than blistered freezingly cold. He found the invention of ice-cream novel and charming.

  “Yes, that sounds good.” Flame replied.

  “Excellent. Well, just a few more sentences…” Takeru said.

  Flame’s supervision turned eager as he sank into Takeru’s Duel Disc, not wanting him to feel pressured. So far, Flame thought he had done remarkably well for himself. From the parts that Takeru had read aloud to him or asked for advice over, Flame thought everything was quite deft but well written. Of course, it helped that Flame was here, and Flame thought he had plenty of good ideas for Takeru to utilise.

  Half an hour or so passed and Takeru then exclaimed, brightly, that he was finished. Editing be damned, that could be done later. They were burning sunlight at this point so Takeru got up and grabbed his wallet. He strapped his Duel Disc to his wrist and Flame’s eyeball appeared on the surface, more ecstatic than he wanted to make out.

  Takeru bade his grandparents farewell and was out the door before either of them could protest his mid-afternoon snack of choice; something he neglected to mention in his haste. He hit the streets as swiftly as he could, revelling in how his blood was pumping as he did so. He ran past a line of trees and followed the road into town. From there, he slowed down a little bit, but he liked how sweaty and hot that he was. Holing up in his room writing an essay wasn’t his style.

  He and Flame passed a few shops as they made their way to the pier which was basically on the other side of town from Takeru’s grandparents’ house. He didn’t mind though. It was a small town and he was plenty fit. He just hoped that he didn’t run into Kiku or any of his classmates. He wasn’t ready to break the news to them just yet; he wanted to get accepted into Den City High School first. He was worried that Kiku would, with good intentions in her heart, try to convince him to stay and he was worried that the others, without such good intentions, would make him feel bad for leaving; implying he was too stupid or rash to live by himself in the big smoke.

  Takeru hadn’t told Flame that yet. He didn’t want Flame to worry about him and the rough relations that he had with too many of the kids in this town.

  “What flavour of ice-cream do you want?” Takeru asked; he was squinting off into the distance and was pretty sure he could see the pink roof of the place that he wanted to take Flame to.

  Flame hummed to himself; his eyeball squishing in on itself in great thought. Takeru could have laughed. He could easily imagine Flame’s little habit of putting his hands on his face when he was in deep thinking because of that little bit of movement atop his wrist.

  “I hear good things about chocolate.” Flame said. “But I am familiar with fruit so there is a comfort in familiarity as well.”

  Takeru laughed.

  “Pardon?” Flame said.

  “Who says “I am familiar with fruit”? It’s just weird.” Takeru explained. “Never mind, I’ll pick for us.”

  “I trust your choice then.” Flame said.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll pick a good one.” Takeru snickered.

  He drew in closer to the building and came inside. The air conditioner over the door blasted them but only Takeru bore brunt of it. He smiled at the cashier and as he was the only one inside, standing, there was a family of four in a booth and a young couple at a table, he was allowed to order.

  “Can I get one waffle cone with vanilla soft serve with strawberries on top and can I get one waffle cone with two scoops; one chocolate and the other honeycomb, please?” he asked.

  Flame smiled to himself, risking being seen but as Takeru paid the cashier, he doubted that he was. Still, it smelt nice to be up close with all the different ice-cream flavours. Flame was certain that he could identify the different flavours despite never having smelt them before. Though, it didn’t really matter, they all smelt delicious to him.

  “Thank you muchly.” Takeru said as he took the two cones that he had ordered.

  He nodded and was then off. With one step outside, he was blasted with the smell of the sea breeze. He smiled to himself and wandered closer to the edge. He drifted along past and found a spot in which he and Flame could interact freely. He rested, partially, atop a wooden barrier which was clustered with barnacles.

  “Flame?” he prompted.

  “Thank you for the treat.” Flame said.

  “I hope you like them. That two-scoop cone was a little pricier than I thought it would be.” Takeru pouted.

  “I appreciate it.” Flame said.

  Takeru held up the cones a little higher. “Well?”

  “I would like to try vanilla first; it is the staple flavour, correct?” Flame said.

  “Yep.” Takeru said.

  He blinked. He was interested in seeing how Flame was going to eat the ice-cream. He assumed that he was going to smear it on his face and then be done with it, not unlike a toddler but Takeru was very quickly proven wrong. His tiny companion transformed into a much larger – and scarier – companion with tentacles and a bulbous head and teeth.

  Takeru screamed, genuinely, as Flame licked at the ice-cream. He reared back and his sole eye blinked. He stared, dumbfounded, at Takeru.

  “Is something the matter, Takeru?” Flame asked, running his tongue over his lips. “I did inform you that I, as an Ignis, have other forms. This is one of them; I would show you the other one, but it is too blinding for the human eye to withstand. But, don’t worry, there are no humans around to witness this. We are completely alone.”

  “R-Right.” Takeru stuttered.

  Flame leaned in and had a taste test of the other ice-cream that Takeru was very stiffly holding onto.

  “Hm, I think I like this honeycomb flavour best, but I can understand the appeal of vanilla and chocolate, too.” Flame said.

  “G-Glad to hear it.” Takeru murmured as Flame reverted to his normal self.

  Takeru stared down at his companion once more. He could feel prickles on his skin in response to that. Flame stared up at him with a friendly demeanour.

  “Thank you for the ice-cream, Takeru. I enjoyed it. I recommend you finish them both up, though. You wouldn’t want them to melt.” Flame advised him.

  “No problem.” Takeru said. “But, at the very least, eat the strawberry slices off the vanilla cone.” He flushed and averted his gaze from Flame. “I think strawberries suit you…”

  “How so?” Flame asked, making a face.

  Takeru hummed. He thought of the cute little crest upon Flame’s head. The plume reminded him of the leafage a strawberry possessed. He shrugged.

  “It just does.” he said, fondly.

  “I shall take your word on it then.” Flame said and he slipped into his more monstrous form again and his tongue raked up the strawberries.

  This time, Takeru wasn’t scared. In fact, he was endeared to it. Noting that made Flame happy but noticing the flavour of the strawberries made him happier. They were sweet. He thought strawberries suited Takeru, too.

Mr. Randall’s 1st Favor Quest

Transcript begins:

Eliza (E): Magda, we have guests.

Magda (M): Huh?

E: The Mr. Randall from Rayorka...

E: Err... How can he forget to inform us in advance? You haven’t combed your hair today?

M: It doesn’t matter~ I think Mr. Randall wouldn’t mind it~ He said last time that I’m a beauty even if I don’t have jewelry~

E: No! I won’t allow! He can wait for a while!

M: Oh...

E: Magda, you have to remember... Most of the lines that men tell can’t be taken serious, because it doesn’t reflect their real thoughts.

M: Hmm... I will have to keep that in mind.

E: So... Dress up with this headgear to impress our guest.

Cut to living room

M: Sorry for keeping your waiting (sp) for such a long time, Mr. Randall.

Randall (R) (shocked): ...

R: Miss Magda... You look amazing... the dazzling brillance, the soft moves, are you really a mortal being?

M: ... (He starts again!)

M: Mr. Randall... Why are you paying us a visit today?

R (shocked): ...

M: ...Mr. Randall?

R: ...Ah! I’m sorry. I was too fascinated by you that I didn’t hear.

M: ...

R: Cough. In fact, I come today to ask you to do me a favor.

R: I’d like to invite Miss Magda to be my guide and show me around Finsel.

M: Want me to be your guide? But... Why me?

R: Although I’m new here, I’ve stayed for a short time. During this period, I’m busy dealing with all kinds of people from the social circle. It’s so tiresome.

R: I believe there must be some place more interesting in Finsel, where I won’t be surrounded by perfume, fancy dresses, suspicion and schemes.

R: And you, Miss Magda. As far as I know, you are a special noble lady who has a large number of civilian friends.

R: So it would be an honor to have you be my guide!

M: Mr. Randall, where did you hear these rumors about me...

R: Ah? The rumors... Rebecca told me a lot~

M: ...I see.

M: (It seems this gentleman and Rebecca know each other very well.)

M: (Maybe I can know a lot about Randall from her next time.)

R: Miss Magda?

M: Huh? Well, okay. It is also my honor to be the guide of Mr. Randall.

R: That’s great~~

R: So where do we start today?

M: Hmm, let’s start from the nobility area.

AT SLUMS

M: Mr. Randall, here is... the slums of Finsel. Please watch your steps.

Randall: Ah... I don’t think there is such a place in the Amber city.

M: I have the same feeling when I came here for the first time.

R: Is there always a corner where has no light?

Hosta (H): This young man looks new to Finsel?

R: This beautiful lady~

H: Save your flattery, young man~ Seems like you are rich, do you want to have fun in my shop?

R: Yes, exactly!

H (surprised): .....what?

R (happy): The glance you throw makes your charm bloom in an instant! The seemingly random stance puts a special emphasis on what you are most proud of! What’s more, since the first second we met, your eyesight has scanned me from head to toe. Though I know you are assessing me I still can’t help feeling at ease and enjoying your...

H: ...

H: Magda

M: ...Yes!

H: What’s going on with the man you brought here?

M: I... I don’t know?

H: Uh... you must have had a hard time.

H: The strange men that the aristocratic lady has to deal with might not be less than those who come to our club...

M: Ah? Ah?

AT THE CHURCH 

R: Is this the Sky Goddess Church in Finsel?

R: Although it only has a small piece land in the city, it makes people feel calm.

M: Because the mainstream belief in Finsel is still ��The Saint” so there are not so many people who follows (sp) the Sky Goddess...

R: I’ve heard about this. As a Rayorca people (sp) who’s relatively lacking of religious knowledge, I really want to ask you a question. Do you think there is any difference between different (it is cut off here)

Options: Same or Different 

M: I don’t think there is much difference...

M: Belief is how people find emotional satisfaction.

R: Although this is not a particularly new statement, it is still great to hear it from a noble lady like you!

M: Ahh...? Is that so?

R: Hahahaha~~~ Ok, let’s go to the next place.

AT THE GATE

R: No matter how many times you look at it, the streets and buildings of the aristocratic district of Finsel always make me feel magnificent.

R: Ah, is your foot still hurting?

M: Huh? My feet?

R (dismayed): Uh... it seems you have not opened the small gift that I sent you earlier...

M: ....Oh! I am sorry! I really forgot it!

R: No need to apologize, my little lady. Anyway, that thing is just gift (sp). I really hope it can free your feet from the pain of high heels.

M: According to the description of Mr. Randall, it seems to have amazing effect (sp). What on earth is it?

R: It is the insole.

M: Huh?

R: Different from the previous insoles, it is a perfect insole that embodies the latest technology of Rayorca, the product created to protect the ladies’ tender feet!

M: (Mr. Randall suddenly gets excited!)

R: If possible, I want all the noble ladies to try this insole!

R: However, according to my previous communication with the aristocracy of Finsel, it may not be easy.

M: Ah? What does it mean...?

R: Many people feel that shoes and insoles are very private things, and even think it’s rude to accept gifts related to the feet from others- for example, me.

R: What’s more the insole doesn’t sound ‘elegant’ at all, isn’t it? (sp)

M: I don’t think so...

R: So Miss Magda, you are a very special noble lady~~~~

M: But you are right. The aristocrats of Finsel are (supposed to be areN’T?) good at accepting new things. Even the merchants wife could surpass them on that.

R: The key element is luxury, rare, and boosting their identity!

R: Sorry, I suddenly got excited. However, this is the job of a market researcher.

R: Understand the needs of customers. You have to understand what they are in need of, sometimes they don’t even realize that they need it.

R: Come on, Miss, Magda, where is the next location?

M: Next place, how about going to church?

M: Phew... here’s the market of Finsel, Mr. Randall.

Randall: Quite a bustling commercial street, there is no room for expansion along the street. I really like this bustling atmosphere. It makes me feel full of energy.

R (happy): Oh, by the way, thank you for accompanying me for so long!

R: Please wait a moment here~

M: Ah? He went across the street to the opposite side?

Civilian Man: Fresh juice! Bubble juive of Rayorca! Let the cool juice quench your thrist!

R: Excuse me~ Please give me two bubble juice!

C: Okay!

M: Mr. Randall ran back again...

R: Miss Magda~ Here you are. I didn’t expect to find the Rayorca-style bubble juice here. How amazing!

M: Ah, thank you~

M: (He even handed me the bubble juice with a handkerchief. Is he worrying about staining my gloves? Mr Randall seems to be very considerate.)

M: (Although mother asked me not to try the street drink, for she thinks it doesn’t fit in with my noble identity.)

M: (It’s so delicious!)

M: In other words, what does Mr. Randall’s company do?

R (happy): Hmm... the major goal of our company is making women live in a comfortable and free way.

R: Specifically, it is a company that designs and sells female products.

M: That is to say... Mr. Randall came to Finsel on behalf of the company?

R: You can also understand it that way. If we we describe it like a battlefield I am like a scout.

R: There are many things that need to be done.

R: ...? At the other end of the street?

M: What happened?

R: Miss Magda! Come here!

R: A carriage rushes towards us?!

Coachman: Watch out!

Civ Woman: Ah---!

M: The carriage crashes into a girl and she falls onto the ground!

Boy: What’s going on with this carriage! It’s too dangerous!

Noble C: I don’t know! The horse suddenly went out of control~1

Girl: What a jokes! You’ve knocked people down!

Woman: My dress...

M: Ah... it has torn a hole in her dress.

R: ...

M: Ah? Mr. Randall goes over there.

R: Lady, are you okay?

Woman (sad): I... I am fine... I can walk.

R: Wait a moment... I can’t let you leave in this way.

M: (Mr. Randall took off his coat? Covering the girls dress that was worn out because of the accident.)

Woman (smiling): Young Master, you-

R: You’d better go see a doctor.

Woman (sad): This jacket looks very expensive! I can’t... I can’t afford to pay for it if it is stained!

R: ...Ugh.

R: Listen. I don’t think it has any problems for you to wear a broken skirt. I am doing this just to protect you against ill-disposed eyes. Do you understand?

R: In my opinion, this is the most important role of this jacket at this moment and it has nothing to do with its value.

Woman: ... Young master... you... what are you...

M: Ah, the girl ran away with a limp.

R: ...

R: Did I do something wrong?

M: ...She’s just startled.

R (shocked): Startled?

M: In fact, I was a little scared too, I thought you were going to rush out to intercept the carriage.

M: Good thing the carriage stopped on its own...

R (blushing): Ah... If it didn’t stop on its own I would indeed do that. In this regard, as long as it’s something related to women, my body will react before my mind.

R(blushing): ...I’ve already been criticized a lot for it in Rayorca.

M: Hahahaha~ I think it’s cute~

Randall (shocked): Ah?

M: Really even though in the beginning I thought Mr. Randall was just saying it for show.

M: Now it seems to me that you sincerely feel that all girls deserve to be praised and protected.

R (shocked): ...

M: But if it’s truly like that then is Mr. Randall the greatest love, or heartless playboy...

R (dismayed): Actually, I myself don’t know. I came to Finsel because I wanted to find the answer to this question.

R: But no matter what happens, it is a pleasure to tour with you, Miss Magda.

M: This is my pleasure too~

QUEST END

M: Phew, how tiring... I spent the entire day walking around Finsel. Right, I haven’t opened the present that Mr. Randall gave me before. Eh? The material of this show cushion is so strange... It’s soft and kneadable! How amazing!

E: Magda, what are you doing?

Madga: Ah, Mother~ Look at this~ If you place it in your shoes your feet won’t hurt anymore~

E (surprise): What is this?

M: Mr. Randall gave this to me. He said it was for liberating my feet.

E: Is he the gentleman whom you accompanied for the entire day today... The Rayorcan market inspector?

M: Yes, it’s him. He always has a lot of strange little presents, and is very good to girls. Today in the market, he even--

E: Magda.

M: Ah?

E: ...This thing can really stop your feet from hurting?

M: Yes... That is what Mr. Randall said.

E (disappointed): Sigh...

M: Mother, don’t worry. Even if my feet don’t hurt anymore I won’t forget that I’m dancing on the edge of a knife.

E: ... Sigh, my good daughter.

Homecoming - chapter 11

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10]

AO3 link

Five years earlier

The sound of light chatter and background music washed over him, and Ogilvy listened with half an ear, sipping at the glass of wine he had taken from a footman.  He was tucked by a marble pillar, watching as the ladies and gentleman wandered past, laughing and chattering about the usual inanities. There would be dancing soon, and he was almost looking forward to being spared from conversation with the other guests.  A multitude of lamps sent out a warm light, making diamonds sparkle and eyes gleam and reflecting off the facets of crystal glasses carried on trays by immaculate servants. Lady Ella Deville had always enjoyed parties, and her large London home made an excellent venue in which to host them.

He watched from the sidelines as she drifted past, tall and pale and slender, patting arms and stroking egos and entertaining her guests with wicked jokes and her surprisingly deep laugh.  Lady Ella was an excellent hostess, and always made sure to invite him. Even if he was a terrible guest. He had scanned the crowd upon entering, as he always did, but the familiar feeling of disappointment had quickly settled on him like a dark cloud.  The milling crowd was made up of ladies and gentlemen, artists and writers, thinkers and philosophers, with a few self-made industrialists such as himself, all gossiping and flirting and drinking too much.  Belle was not among the guests.

In his heart he knew that he hadn't really expected her to be there, but Doc insisted that there was always hope, and so he tried to attend as many social occasions as he could, in case the Fates decided to smile on him for a change.  The failure to find her was a cause of great anguish for both he and Doc, but it weighed heavier on him, haunting his dreams, stealing his rest with its heavy sense of loss, of hopelessness.  He would turn fifty in a few days, with no sign of her, not even a hint of her whereabouts. They had searched in Britain and on the continent, and even journeyed to the Americas in the vain hope of finding her.  He had paid eyes and ears in dozens of countries, all reporting back to him at the merest hint of a noblewoman with blue eyes and chestnut hair. All for nothing. It was as though she had fallen off the face of the earth, and after six lifetimes of searching, he was desperately afraid that they would never be reunited.

He tried to tell himself not to lose faith, but every passing year wove another layer into the heavy cloak of despair that wrapped around him.  The arrival of Alice four years earlier had helped to lift his spirits, had given him something to concentrate on other than his own misery, but he was well aware that she would grow up and leave eventually.  She would find her special someone, and while he wished her to be happy, he dreaded the day that she would go, leaving he and Doc to their too-quiet house and their endless grief.

“Darling, do stop glaring at the guests as though they owe you money.”

Lady Ella’s drawling voice pulled him out of the swamp of self-pity he was wallowing in, and she sashayed nearer, cream silk dress glittering with a multitude of tiny beads, feathery white plumes bobbing atop her perfectly-styled blonde hair.  Ropes of diamonds glittered around her neck, and she snapped shut her silk fan and flapped a gloved hand at him.

“Go!  Have fun!  Talk to someone other than your dear old Professor for a change!”

“I’ll pass, thank you,” he said.  “Besides, I’m - ah - enjoying the music.”

“No you’re not,” she said flatly.

“Fine, I’m not,” he grumbled.  “Who tuned that cello anyway? It sounds as though he’s playing it with his feet.”

Ella pretended to look affronted, tossing her head a little.

“I have no idea why I bother inviting you to these things,” she huffed.  “You always lurk in the corners as though you’d rather be somewhere else.  Why do you even come?”

“One never knows when there’ll be someone new in town,” he said, taking a sip of his wine, and she rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Please tell me you’re finally on the lookout for a wife after all these years,” she said.  “I can give you some recommendations, if you like. I hear all the gossip and probably know far more dark and delicious secrets than is good for me.  I daresay one of my many acquaintances would suit you.”

“I doubt I have the requisite lineage,” he said dryly, and she sniffed, waving a hand.

“Oh, that’s overrated,” she said dismissively. “Take it from someone who married a lord and regrets it constantly.”

“You were already a lady, and your family was as old as your husband’s,” he said.  “I have neither title nor family to sweeten the deal.”

“Money bridges many social divides, I find,” she said, with a grin.  “And you have plenty of that, darling. There has to be more than one who’d be willing to take you, miserable as you are.”

“Well, thank you for that ringing endorsement, but I don’t need any help in finding a wife.”

“Think about it,” she pressed.  “I’m sure young Alice would be pleased to have a mother figure in her life. There are things a father can’t teach a daughter, you know.”

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged.  “But nothing that a governess can’t teach her.”

“Assuming you can find one that suits,” she said slyly, and he grunted.

“Yes, alright, so the last one was a bloody disaster,” he grumbled.  “I’m well aware. No doubt I’ll find one that doesn’t try to crush her spirit and that Alice doesn’t hate.  Eventually.”

“Oh, the one I took on a few months ago has been wonderful,” she said.  “Far too young and pretty to be teaching, in my opinion.  No doubt she’ll run off and get married at some point, but for the moment she seems happy enough with her books.”

“Really?”  He took a sip of his wine.  “What’s her name? Perhaps I can entice her to our house to teach Alice.”

She slapped his arm playfully with her fan.

“Don’t you dare try to poach my governess!” she scolded.  “Besides, she’s safely tucked out of the way at Furton Grange.  If you’re a good boy and socialise, I may bring her to town when Aurora comes out.  You can have her then.”

“I’m sure she’ll be delighted,” he remarked dryly.

“And don’t think you can change the subject and that I’ll forget about getting you a wife!” she added, jabbing him with her fan and making him wince.  “I won’t have one of my favourite guests moping around the place! Bad for the atmosphere.”

“I thank you for your concern, but I don’t need your help,” he said.

“I beg to differ.”

“No doubt, but I stand by it,” he said.  “I assure you, when I see the right woman, I’ll know.”

“Oh, so you do like women, then?” she said, with a grin.  “I was beginning to think you were a Decadent.  And if you are, you can certainly tell me, you’re among friends in this house.”

He grinned at that.

“No, I’m just - very particular.”

“Well, if you change your mind, you have all my knowledge of polite society at your disposal,” she assured him.  “Tales of scandalous impropriety and whispers of looming financial ruin are only a hastily-written letter away.”

His grin widened.

“Rest assured that if I ever decide to show an interest in the degeneracy of the upper classes, you would be the first person I’d ask.”

“Impertinent!”

She tapped his arm with her fan, smirking, and he chuckled.  Ella let out a dramatic sigh, rolling her eyes.

“Very well,” she drawled.  “I’ll leave you to your lurking.  Do at least try to have a good time.”

"I promise."

She wandered off with a sway of her hips, calling out to another guest, and Ogilvy smiled as he watched her go, raising his glass to take a sip of wine. Ella slipped into the crowd, feathers bobbing as she went, and he let out a sigh, closing his eyes and letting the warmth of the room wash over him. Perhaps it was time to go home.

“A long time, since last we met.”

A woman’s accented voice made him start, eyes flicking open as he glanced around, and it was as though a cold hand clutched his heart and tugged at him, dragging him swiftly back through time, through countless centuries. With startling clarity, he remembered the fateful day when he had stood by the fire pit of a tribe that was not his own, and had made the choice that was to change his fate and lead him to this moment, bowed down with the weight of ceaseless searching and endless grief.  The woman before him looked exactly as she had then, black eyes weighing and measuring, the light in them too old, too knowing for her smooth cheeks. She was taller then he, and slender, the red gown she wore bright against olive skin. Shining black hair was twisted up on her head, and long gold earrings hung from her lobes, tiny diamonds catching the light from the candles.  Ogilvy felt his jaw tighten, and he nodded stiffly, in recognition.

“Seer.”

He was almost surprised that he had spoken, the word falling from his lips in barely more than a whisper, scattering in the air like dust.  Her full mouth curved in a smile.

“You look older, Spinner.”

“Time tends to have that effect,” he said, his voice cool.  “Except on you, it seems. Strange.”

Her smile widened.

“Time plays tricks.”

“Indeed,” he said quietly.  “Cruel tricks.”

Her eyes scanned the room, as though searching for someone, and he wondered why she was there.  He doubted it was for him. Not for the first time, he wondered what she was.

“I’m delighted to make your acquaintance,” he said, for the benefit of a passing gentleman, who eyed them briefly.  “I’m afraid I didn’t catch the name, my Lady.”

Her lips curled upwards, white teeth gleaming, and she dipped a graceful curtsy.

“You may call me Persephone,” she said.  Ogilvy’s eyebrows twitched.

“Really?” he said dryly, taking a sip of his drink.  “And here I thought that in the winter months you walked a different plain to the rest of us mere mortals.”

“Is that what you are?” she asked, raising a slim brow.  “A mere mortal? Somehow I doubt that.”

She spoke the words softly, enunciating the description he had used, r’s rolling off her tongue.  It was almost as though she was mocking him, and his mouth flattened.

“Death leaves its mark on me as much as any man,” he said, and she pursed her lips.

“Yes,” she whispered, taking a step forward, and pressing a swift hand to his heart.  “Here especially.”

Ogilvy flinched, stepping back from her, and she let her arms fall to her sides, a tiny, sad smile making her eyes gleam.

“Your bond was broken,” she said.  “Not completely, but enough. I told the Scholar I could not change that. She wanted to remember you nonetheless. Knowing the pain it would cause. You chose well, Spinner.”

He felt his mouth drop open, his eyes widen.

“You saw her?” he whispered.  “Where? When?”

Her mouth twisted, as though she was vexed at having mentioned it, and one hand flicked, a dismissive gesture, casting away something useless.

“Oh, in another life, another time,” she sighed, and he felt his body sag in disappointment.

“So, not this life,” he said wearily.  “But - but she knew you? She knew - about us?  How?”

“She had to,” said the Seer.  “She needed the knowledge, to prepare her future self.  To send a message through time, and save us all from the darkness to come.”

“What darkness?” he said sharply, and she smiled.

“A problem for a future life, I think.”

Ogilvy scowled, but let it go.  Deal with the issue at hand, man.

“Then - she had the stone?” he asked.  “No, no, that can’t be. She would need our stones too, mine and Doc’s.  Hers alone would not work. How did she—”

“She needed the knowledge,” repeated the Seer.  “And so I gave it to her.”

He took a step forward, his brows lowering as he caught her meaning.

“You - you restored her memories?” he said, his voice a low growl.  “I know the pain that causes, the agony of knowing the other is out in the world and not being able to find them.  You did that to her?”

“I gave her a choice,” she said sharply, dark eyes flashing.  “Just as you did, aeons ago. She chose what little of you she could have.  She will always choose you.  Would you have her choose another?”

He shook his head, sighing, and gazed down at the rippling surface of his wine, as though it would give him comfort.

“I would have her be happy,” he whispered.  “Six lifetimes I’ve searched for her, Seer, and all in vain.  Six lives of pain and loss and misery. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all the one I love most.”

The Seer huffed a little, fingers plucking at her skirts.

“It was necessary,” she said, more quietly.  “I took no joy from the cruelty of it, I assure you.”

“No,” he said coolly.  “I daresay emotion isn’t your strong point.”

“Emotion can be a powerful thing,” she said, ignoring the barb.  “But it can also make one reckless. You may rest assured I have no intention of being so. There is too much at stake. You have your own challenges to face, but I must think of the fates of all.”

“Your schemes are no concern of mine,” he said, his voice stiff.  “Is there a reason you sought me out, or is this a chance meeting?”

She smiled.

“For us, nothing happens by chance,” she said.  “I sense your despair, your weariness. I wished to give you some comfort.  What little there is of it.”

He took a step towards her, his heart thudding, hope and fear kindling in his chest.

“Tell me I will find her in this life,” he whispered, and she shook her head.

“She will find you.”

Hope flared, a burst of heat, making his heart pound.

“Truly?” he whispered.  “She’ll find us? She’ll come home?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

She smiled briefly, but there was a hint of pity in her eyes that made his heart clench.

“I cannot say,” she admitted.  “The board is set. The pieces are not yet in play.”

“A fitting analogy,” he said bitterly.  “We are pawns, after all. Set up to be sacrificed as the gods see fit.”

“The gods do not control everything,” she said sharply.  “And nor do I See everything. Your Scholar will find you.  Take comfort in that, at least.”

“It could be twenty years from now,” he said, with some asperity.

“Perhaps.”  She shrugged delicately.  “Do you grow tired of waiting for her?”

“That’s not what I meant,” he said sharply.  “When she’s back with us and in my arms I will thank the gods for it, but please tell me she’ll come home soon!”

“I cannot say,” she repeated.  “But she will find you.”

She nodded to him, taking a step back and turning away.

“Wait!” he said urgently.  “The stone! Will she have it?”

The Seer paused with her back to him, her shoulders stiff.

“She had the stone when last we met,” she said, her voice carefully neutral.

“And now?”

“I do not See her with the stone,” she said, after a pause.  “But who can say?”

He sighed in frustration.

“Then do you know where it is?”

“No,” she said, and glanced back over her shoulder.  “But you are tenacious, are you not? Perhaps you will find it.  Good luck, Spinner.”

She glided away, skirts rustling as her hips swayed, and he threw back his wine, feeling it burn his throat as it went down.  She'll come back to us.  She'll come home.  One way or another, she'll come home.