Me: Hello God.
God: Hello...
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I'd rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you're not a puzzle.
Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?
God: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to take any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking!
God: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving.
What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back. The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are being put in place. Relax. Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down. Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you. Let them fall. Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that, what will I have left?
God: Only the best pieces of yourself.
Me: I'm afraid to change.
God: I keep telling you: YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming, Who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear. Let those things fall off you. I love you! Don't change! Become! Don't change! Become! Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yes. Let it be like this.
Me: So... I'm not broken?
God: No, but you're breaking the darkness, like dawn. It's a new day. Become!! Become who you really are!!"
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I’ve been avoiding writing because it will make my feelings too permanent and too real.
But the longer I hold back and cap, the stronger the feelings get. They intensify.
I cried today. From reading an old text. Triggered.
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Because my family & friends say I’m too nonchalant and don’t express my emotions... I’m trying to find healthy ways to balance out.
The reality is I hate confrontation and I ALWAYS say things too blunt to where it comes off mean and cold, therefore, I say nothing so things don’t escalate.
But, I think starting my responses in this way will help me to pinpoint my feelings and navigate to my point in a civilized manner.
Because I just ghosted my mom’s text and screened 3 of her calls because she did something I didn’t like and was joking about it.
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I didn’t take a break... I broke.
broke my heart, broke my soul. don’t cry for me though.
if you don’t break nothing down, there’s no room to grow.
Big Sean
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stuck
How do you adjust or respond to giving up on someone after years because of their lack of commitment and lack of matching actions to their words...
But....
You miss them. You miss the way they made you laugh so genuinely and whole heartedly. You miss how they could sense, from states away, when you were down and having a rough day. You miss their hugs even though you hate hugs!
How do you cope?
Do you reach out and make amends? Or do you keep pushing forward and constantly think about the many memories you’ve shared together? Always being reminded of them by the smallest thing as a song, or an emoji.
How do I cope?
How do I allow my heart to heal when my heart is still attached to them almost a year later?
Am I crazy? Or am I giving our souls time to elevate in order to find each other again?
I legit need some outside feedback cause my friends are too biased 🤣
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