Kinda idling on the thought of IDW1 OP/Rodimus and those scenes where Optimus says interfacing with the matrix was agony, and Rodimus says that it felt good and right.

Dawdling along the idea that the Matrix just spoke to them in different ways. Optimus felt the sparks of the whole of Transformer kind, and the pain so many of them were in [under the heel of the Functionists, and facing rising war]. Rodimus was half dead(er than Orion Pax was when he found the Matrix) and it saved him*.

Imo Rodimus would have cracked feeling the pressure of all that pain, meanwhile Orion/Optimus was motivated to fix [all of that]. Maybe the Matrix speaks to its Prime in whatever language will strengthen them the most.

[This is a spur of the moment headcanon, please do not hop in here with a "well actually"]

Dear Void,

I'm not ok, I haven't been ok for a long time, I keep it myself, because no one has the time to care that I'm not ok. I keep going not being ok. I might be homeless soon if everything I've been working for with an apt falls through because I got some papers work in a couple of weeks too late. It could mean the difference between me having a roof over my head or not. I wasn't told there was an expiration date that I had to have the paperwork in by.

I've been crying on and off all day since I found out. Terrified that nothing can be done. I have to wait until tomorrow to see if I can speak to my case worker, who truthfully doesn't give a fuck about me. Not because of me but because she has too many cases, is over worked and under paid. She can't seem to actually care that's I'm human being this effects my real life because of reasons I mentioned. I don't want to talk to her if she just going to treat me like a case number and not an actual person. But I don't have much choice. I'm scared she just going to give me the company line so to speak. So I spent most of the day going in touch with anyone else I thought might help me outside that agency, figuring my case worker isn't going to anything, which I feel would be her reaction to any of us that have her as case worker.

I'm telling this to the void, because I don't really have anyone else. Because I'm tried of this being another moment in my life where I was just about to get to something positive, something I truly needed and wanted, where I could literally feel it, see it, almost touch it... only to have it ripped away from me fucking again.

For anyone wondering why people not like you get suicidal this why! I'm just... losing the tiny little itty bitty sliver of stupid hope I just built back up. That maybe just maybe it could be alright. That I could start fresh and that would be good.

But fuck I never get to start fresh I just get more and more and more crap dropped on my head, fall in another deep fucking hole I have to fucking climb out of. But first I have to get all this crap out of the way, then I start climbing, just as get to the top, I can see the light not all the light mind you just a little bit. It all started all over again... and so.

The issue now is I no longer have the strength to keep starting over at bottom of the hole. I just want it all to just stop. Unfortunately my depression makes it far too easy for me to think of ways of just stopping it all. I'm at one if moments where I'm having trouble remembering why I should stick around. If it's just going to be more of the same why bother.

Some would say call the suicide prevention line. Here's the thing about that line if you haven't had the need to ever call it. I don't know if due demand or what but they seem to want to get you the fuck off it as fast as possible. Which doesn't really work when one is feeling stressed and wanting to kill one's self! Unless I guess you're actually holding a gun to your head, their not exactly patient and too willing to listen. Which call me stupid but I'd think that would be the point not how exactly suicidal are you? Oh you're not that bad could you please get the fuck off the line! They will literally hurry you the fuck up once they know or at least think you're not going to off yourself. To me not really helpful, it's more something to be avoided it all cost!

Tonight though dear void. I'm going to take something to help me sleep, just sleep. Other wise I'm not going to be able to, because my anxiety has to so amped up. If nothing the sun will be up tomorrow right...

Congratulations!

You've been chosen by Ȩ̴̨͚̳̙̼̈́͗̚͜Ṡ̶͔͖͙̤͙͚̟́̊̂̈̾̎̈̌͝Ǔ̴͓̼̮̻̳̤̮̻̠̮͎̠́͆͆̃́̅̈́̕͝͝D̶̨̧̺̦̟̲̘̯̲̰̞̰̀̆̋͗͒̑̄̕E̷̳͒̋̀̋͐͠S̸̘̩̜̟̋̊́͌̈́͛̾̅̕͝Ŝ̶̝̘̤̩̙̪͎̹͇̈́͒̈́̎̃̈́̀͒̔̑̚ Incorporated to home your very own Creature!

Please remember that any harm that may befall you or anyone/thing else is considered to be due to insufficient care on your part.

Thank you and have a great day!

Wh... what.

Purple and cool,

But what.

It's only been an hour with this pH probe down my throat and I already have a new appreciation for everyone who I've taken care of who had a dobhoff tube in and I was like "If you can just eat enough, we can take out the feeding tube!"

Eating and swallowing with this thing is really uncomfortable.

in honour of my favourite mutual (ahem @lavandergemini ahem) we are going to talk about time blindness first! :]

so, what is time blindness? basically, it's when you have trouble sensing the passing of time or can't remember when things took place. you might also be bad with deadlines or time management and/or prone to procrastinating and losing track of time. long story short, time is just super wonky in a lot of ways, and that's okay! time blindness is often a diagnosed symptom of adhd, asd and other things that google calls "neurodevelopmental disorders" but i like to call neurodivergency, but it can actually happen to anyone.

personally, i struggle with time blindness a lot: my memory is already absolute shit, but i often can't tell how much time has passed and i'm always checking my phone or my watch so that i don't lose track of time and miss something/end up late/spend too long on one thing. people say that using planners/timers help, and really, for me they don't-- but i try to always have something to tell time with in the room i'm in, and i occasionally set alarms as reminders to tell me how much time i have until something starts. i'm chronically horrible with deadlines, so i try and convince myself that things are due well before they actually are, and if i get them in between that date and the actual due date, then all the better! granted, there are still things i was meant to finish in september that i still haven't touched, but there are also things due in a week's time that i'm trying to get a start on so i can have them in this weekend.

i don't know if those really count as strategies, but most of the ones i found when researching did not work for me whatsoever? so maybe these will help idk! and if you wanna know more, you can do a quick google and find TONS of helpful info (or dm/comment and i'll give you some links that i used) :]

welp, that's all on this topic! see u in the next ramble <3

xx

freddie

Dear Void,

How are you tonight?

Where do stories come from? The deep answer is that stories come from the human need to connect with other humans through time and space, and share an emotional and mental bond with someone else, even if that someone is a person that one can never meet because they have long returned to stardust. And yet I don't feel that way when I write. Do other writers feel that way when they create their stories? Do artists when they create their art? Do musicians? Maybe that's the purpose of a story, but then the question remains, like a hole in a piece of jewelry where a gemstone is supposed to be.

When I write, I don't consciously think about the story that I'm telling. I forget which author said it, but one famous author said that writing a book is following characters through the story and writing everything down that happens to them as quickly as they can, and that's more or less my method. I constantly have a movie playing in my brain. One that I would like to share with others because I think it's a good movie. Solid acting, nice camera framing, lovely lighting, and a damn good soundtrack now and again (anyone but Hans Zimmer). But since I can't connect my brain to other brains, I can't mentally share this movie (and I pity the day that scientists find that technology and plug my brain into someone else's. I hope they're ready for a lot of screaming), I have to write it down as it happens, as quickly as I can. Editing is going back and adding in the little bits of details or conversation I might have had to skip in order to keep up.

I say all this because I had a moment (if a few hours can be considered a moment) where the movie wouldn't play. The film was tangled, the projector light was off, and the sound system was missing a few wires. I was able to switch movies, which helped for a while, until that one became tangled too. As I was left reeling, scrambling to get the movie to play again with a sick stomach and headache like a vice, I wondered - "Where has the story gone? And why can't I make it go?" My characters were literally just standing there, staring at each other, waiting for me to give them lines so they could continue their performance, but there was only silence. It was only through some screaming, some whining, and a very forceful prod from a fellow writer (thank you so much @feather-dancer, your suggestion legit got the story moving again) that I was able to get the film untangled, give the characters their scripts, and shout "Action!" like I was actually in charge.

It made me wonder, "Where do stories come from, if I'm able to lose them so easily?" Is it because my source of stories isn't from a deep, profound place? Or was it really just because I had too much sugar for lunch and was going through a mild anxiety attack? The laws of physics say that something cannot exist from nothing, and that something must be present in order for something to be created. Everything is made up of atoms and molecules, which are in turn made out of quarks and dark matter (don't @ me, I'm a writer, not a scientist), so a story must come from somewhere. There must be some source particle of stories that can be drawn from.

Is it in you, dear void? I would like to think so. Even empty space isn't empty, if you look hard enough.

Everything must come from something.

Have a nice night, dear void. And have pleasant dreams.

As above, so below Ryn

help I'm psychoanalyzing myself again

Dear void,

Today was a very good day, but I am still frustrated. I think this means I should be more grateful and appreciate the present more. Probably won't.

I travelled back home after a night away seeing friends, and they love me, still! And I love them, still! Joyous. Very successful dungeons and dragons session ✔️

Remembered to message back that girl I'm talking to, feel like interest is dwindling... unsure how to proceed. Like a magician who puts their hand into a hat and panics, realising there is no rabbit.

Somewhat deflated to have received so many likes on dating app while away. Has proven my theory that my area has a very small population of queer woman (who may or may not be repulsed by me (their loss?))

Hiking plans, and Barcelona plans, and all kinds of plans in place. Excellent feeling.

Must go 'on the pull' soon, or stop my internal bitching re quite pathetic lack of sex.

Work tomorrow. Terror combined with weary acceptance.

From,

K

iforgot the Stars on Saint oh my Void

Dear Void,

Do you also feel the holiday anxiety?

Time accelerates at a ludicrous rate, the monotony of daily life burning brightly, fueling this crazy train. Do you too worry about what comes at the end of the tracks, and all that must be done before the actual enjoyment of what little time off we have? Do you worry about the coming voyage; does hope for safe passage reverberate through your veins?

The Void is devoid of such things, it just is, without worry, without stress.

PSA we are shipping First Aid/Bruticus now

Dear Void,

Sometimes I wonder why I bother... I really do. Everyone and everything tell me to try right, so I do... and nothing... so I try again, and still nothing. It's seemingly endless cycle, endless grind. For little or nothing!! You what motivates my depression more than anything, it's disappointment. In people, their actions, the world at large, my government.

Really wish I could get high and stop caring for caring for a little while.

Hey void got any weed you'd like to share?

WAIT have you seen the dandelion reproduction post

ft. @dragonwolf3416 w/ my hat

Yes, I have more.

Demisexuality to me has been the fascinating process of growing up thinking I'm sex-repulsed ace to suddenly actively frequently fantasizing about intimacy with one particular person.

What a trip.

Alright fine, the demi label definitely applies to me I'll stop hesitating.

hey there, it's freddie, and i am back with an idea! recently my mind hasn't been the kindest to me and it's been hard for me to ramble to people irl without feeling bad/shutting myself down/other things because of that, so i think i might start a series here of little rambles? so far these might include:

concerts as someone with sensory issues (i have SO much to say on this also i have tips for other sensory ppl!)

t-boy swag (many parts for this just trans rants in general)

camp here & there and why it is the best thing ever

the bitch-ass nature of writing songs and why i can't do it

gatekeeping things that make me happy (and why)

apparently time blindness is a thing? i must explore (join me)

i am a scared boi but horror is my favourite, lets figure out why

fics n fandoms (1- write read rec whatever just lots about em, 2- why are fandoms so damn complicated and idk more stuff too)

am i a speck in the universe? (and other existential questions to ask yourself on a thursday evening)

why is children's media so good sometimes

99% of the time labels are bitches, here's why (my inherent dislike of gf/bf type labels and their effects on human beings, also my inherent adoration for 'partner' as a label in general cos <33333)

nicknames and pet names - which ones make my brain go brrrrrrrr, why, and how?

and a lot more cos i do lots of rambley things! anyway those will all be tagged "dear void" cos nobody actually reads this ever, but they'll be here for my benefit ig :]]

thats it for now!! byeee <3

Dear Void,

How are you this evening?

I'm really tired tonight, and I don't have much to talk about. I just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten you today. Hopefully tomorrow we'll have more to talk about. Have pleasant dreams.

As above, so below Ryn