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kendall-coded · 3 years

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Okay, I have a headcanon that Peter was friends with, or in love with Claudia and that's why he likes Stiles so much. I have to hear your one-sided Peter/Claudia headcanons.

THAT IS BASICALLY MY EXACT HEADCANON FJSKDJSKDJSK

basically, in my head, there is a parallel that exists between peter and derek where like. peter has always been second best to talia, even following the fire. to laura and derek, he was sort of this, i don’t want to say burden. but, it felt like what they lost of him did not hold a torch to their grief regarding the rest of the family. well, prior to the fire, i am thinking that he meets claudia, i’m thinking she is a preschool teacher or she works in the library or with children on some level - whatever. not super important. BUT peter loves her / admires her because she makes him feel like he doesn’t have to fight and compete for her attention. i imagine that she views peter as a person on his own, there is no “taliaandpeter” it’s just peter, y’know. and i think, with peter’s personality type, that would quickly become unhealthy for him, or cause him to develop somewhat of an off-putting obsession. he really values her, though, so he would never cause her harm. i believe that. i think he would be completely enamored by her, in an all-consuming way that isn’t good for anyone. i think claudia would set some clear boundaries and peter would tuck tail and run, because that’s what he does.

then, he has to grapple with being second best to the sheriff, reminiscent of the time he had to compete for attention alongside talia. and that sort of destructive behavior manifests itself within him … like, if everyone expects him to be bad then he will be bad ? go big or go home. i think most of his outward unforgivable behavior stems from internalized self loathing or feelings of guilt he can’t shake. he is a lot like derek, in that way. i think that would develop the connection he feels to derek because of derek’s dynamic with laura that i headcanon (where derek feels second best to laura).

i also headcanon that peter loved laura with his whole heart, since she was the first of talia’s children. like, he just loved her so intrinsically and connected with her in a way he’s never felt before, and he had to grapple with that since he still wanted to hold onto his resentment for talia, even though she was his alpha. this comes in handy later because we all know what peter does to laura in the show, i think he would be sort of power-hungry in that sense. where, after losing everything, he would be in that deranged headspace where he feels as though he deserved the alpha spark after everything he withstood, like it was owed to him. so, i think that would have stemmed from a deep-seated feeling of betrayal, likening talia to laura and derek to himself within his mind to redirect the blame.

i think that stiles looks a lot like claudia (same eyes, same nose, splattered in moles). i also envision that they talk the same, have the same humor and mannerisms. to a werewolf, maybe the two of them would even have a similar scent. to me, claudia would smell like sunshine and rain because they’re opposites and i feel like such a thing would be on-brand for her. and stiles as well. so, throwing stiles into the mix, i think peter would be sort of blindsided by that. because, in my mind, claudia died while he was in the coma, so he internalizes a feeling of guilt for not getting to say goodbye or confess his love or just. let her know he’s there. it would also add to the anger of laura getting the alpha spark, maybe peter thought it would have healed him faster, or maybe he fantasized that he could have saved claudia by giving her the bite. regardless, he feels a sense of obligation toward her, like he has to keep an eye out for (selener fjksdjksdjsk) stiles. it’s the least he could do, you know. and i feel like secretly he would watch out for the sheriff as well, because he knows she loved him and he can respect that and honor her feelings, even though peter sucks fjskdjskdjskajk

SORRY that is so much. and i feel like i didn’t even really say everything i wanted to. but, generally, that is how i feel about that LOLOL feel free to message me anytime to scream into the abyss about this

#reece rambles #asks #one-sided peter/claudia makes me feel #so many things #i could go on and on and on #claudia is the Quirky Girl #but not in a derogatory way #peter is insane and i think this dynamic would be a good character study opportunity #as well as a fun way to explore the nuances of obsession and how it can erode away at your life #sigh #anyway i will be quiet now fjskfjdksjak

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unfinished-projects-galore · 3 years

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Um, hi again lmao. I can’t believe I was able to finish the concept sketch in (nearly) one sitting haha

So this is what I have so far of my MC/ OC (I’m not really sure what I want to do with him, which is why I can’t decide lmao)

As you can see, based on the personality that I’m envisioning for this character, they’ll possibly be sorted into any of the following four dormitories. I’m not really sure what trait of his may be the most prevalent, however that is a problem I shall tackle in a few hours.

Depending on the faction they’ll be assigned in, I’ll ponder whether they should have amber/bright yellow eyes or bright green ones. Both colors serve as a great contrast to the character’s hair, but I hope it would the main colors of the uniforms too. So I shall be putting that on hold.

If you have an opinion on where I should sort them, regardless of personality as it’s implied that they can fit in the aforementioned dorms, feel free to comment or reblog with your dorm of choice in the tags…or not, I won’t tell you what to do

Oh yeah, if it helps, in the case that they do become an OC instead of…you know, the default Mc, they’d probably be some shitty Oracle lolol

Like, perhaps they can’t really tell the future just by thinking about it, but when they sit down to paint, sketch, write, or do anything related to them while not really having anything in mind, only then do clues of future events manifest(?) Practically prophetic or vague and distorted, so the clues still need to be analyzed critically in order to understand what it could allude to in the event’s entirety.

Think Neon from HxH lolol

Anyway, thank you for reading this far and/or deciding to take a look at my oc, I greatly appreciate it!!

#digital art #twisted wonderland #twst mc #twst #twst fanart #twst wonderland #twst oc #illustration #digital fanart #anime fanart

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morganaseren · 3 years

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OC Introduction

Tagged by: @illusivesoul Thanks! Sorry this took so long!

Tagging: @this-is-something-idk-what, @noeldressari, @alessandramortt, @theherowarden, @jellydishes As per usual, I can never figure out who has or hasn’t been tagged by this. No pressure if you don’t want to participate though! Below is the template you can use.

My answers will be under the Read More.

---

Fandom:

Role:

BASICS

Full Name:

Nickname(s):

Pronouns:

Sexuality:

Occupation and Titles:

Birthday & Age:

Physical description:

Clothing style:

BACKGROUND

COMBAT & SKILLS

Preferred fighting style:

Special skills:

RELATIONSHIPS

Family:

Love interest:

Best friends:

PERSONALITY

Positive traits:

Negative traits:

Likes:

Dislikes:

Fears:

Guilty Pleasure:

Hobbies:

Fandom: Dragon Age

Role: Inquisitor

BASICS

Full Name: Niamh (pronounced “Neev”) Cousland

Nickname(s): Neevy (from Sera), Brat (from Leliana lolol), Storm Pup (mostly from her late mother’s side of the family)

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Lesbian

Occupation and Titles: Niamh is the leader of the Inquisition forces and is also hailed as the Herald of Andraste. Although all her rights to the Cousland estate along with any titles associated with it were forfeited the moment her magic manifested, her ties to her family name are still recognized and vice versa--perhaps especially so now with her being Inquisitor. Thus, in accordance to an older tradition from her late mother’s family, she is also titled the Storm Wolf of Highever per her brother Teyrn Fergus Cousland.

Birthday & Age: Niamh was born on the 3rd of Cloudreach in 9:08 Dragon, so she’s 33 as of Inquisition and 36 as of the Trespasser DLC.

Physical description: She’s a woman of middling height (5′6″ or 168cm). Niamh’s hair is pitch-black, which settles asymmetrically around her face with a longer fringe covering one of her eyes--a pale, misty-grey hue. Physique-wise, she’s full of wiry muscle, especially along her arms, shoulders, and back--testament to years of heavy staffwork.

Clothing style: This is more dependent on what setting she finds herself in. Around Skyhold or in more official circumstances, she tends to garb herself in formal wear such as the one seen below.

When she’s out and about on missions, her attire consists more of cloth and leather as depicted in the screenshot above. As a native Fereldan, she has a tendency to favor fur in her overall field outfit, which is evident in the black Great Bear fur seen along the spaulders atop her shoulders. Then, as an occasional artist, her sketchbook is ever present, constantly hanging from her belt as she draws flora, fauna, and anything of interest in her travels to properly document later. Littered amongst the sketches are also occasional plans for whatever project she’d like to work on back at Skyhold.

Art and crafting is ever her way of relaxing.

Despite being an artist, her color palette in terms of clothing remains relatively simple even if the cut of them are always finely-tailored. She favors darker colors overall with white and varying shades of grey. Occasionally, a splash of color is thrown in every now and again for visual emphasis.

For instance, the red scarf you see on her is a gift from Bethany Hawke. ;3

BACKGROUND

Niamh is the youngest child of Bryce and Eleanor Cousland.

She was born beneath a violent storm that only settled as her newborn cries filled the world--a telltale sign perhaps of the destiny that would later be laid out before her.

She was taken away to Ferelden’s Circle when her magic manifested at the age of four. Niamh was the youngest to enter Kinloch Hold that year, and she was inconsolable for several months as she struggled to adapt to her new surroundings and the many strangers that were meant to be her new family of sorts.

Of all the mages present, she was closest to Jowan since he was only a year or two older than her, and the then young boy was responsible for drawing her out of her sullen shell--enough to where she could finally be comfortable with interacting with others after months of frightened silence. The two children did everything together and were otherwise inseparable. Unfortunately, their relationship would later become strained as they entered into adolescence, especially as Niamh grew into her magical abilities and surpassed him entirely in power, astounding the likes of First Enchanter Irving and Wynne--both whom became her respective mentors--with her command over the elements.

Niamh was able to successfully undertake the Harrowing at the age of seventeen, earning the right to be recognized as a full-fledged mage. She was never designated an Enchanter throughout her time in the Circle, for she had no personal apprentices of her own. The few new ones to arrive at the Tower were assigned to those who had passed the Harrowing before her, but she was content to help them and the Senior Enchanters however she could. Her kindness, patience, and calm diligence earned her easy friendships.

...or at least she thought so until some of her colleagues turned on her with Uldred’s coup following the onset of the Blight.

Caught between blood mages and Templars who believed she had a hand in Uldred’s machinations, she likely would have succumbed to either party eventually had her sister Saoirse--now a Grey Warden--not arrived to help cleanse the Tower of abominations and save First Enchanter Irving and the remaining Senior Enchanters.

For her efforts in saving them, Niamh was allowed to accompany her sister on her travels across Ferelden along with Wynne. She formed a fast friendship with Leliana early on, and it eventually led to heavy infatuation on Niamh’s end, but it stuttered to an abrupt halt when she realized her sister was also in love with the bard. Believing that she had nothing of worth to offer to Leliana as a mere mage, Niamh buried her feelings for the other woman, watching from afar as she fell for Saoirse.

Saoirse was as bold as all great heroes could ever hope to be, and so she was well-suited for Leliana, but it was Niamh who tempered much of her sister’s impulsiveness, especially when it came to matters of diplomacy.

---

"Can't we just--"

"No." Niamh just kept her gaze forward as they walked out of the Deep Roads, refusing to look at her sister.

"But it's a good idea!" Saoirse insisted earnestly.

"Saoirse, in no world where you throw the crown at the two candidates for Orzammar's throne and expect the least most concussed to be King can ever be considered a 'good idea,'" Niamh deadpanned.

---

Yet, for all her brilliance with tactics and matters of negotiation, Niamh was unable to convince Saoirse to allow Morrigan to use her Dark Ritual despite knowing it would have saved any of the Grey Wardens from being sacrificed. Worse, her sister made her promise not to tell Leliana of Saoirse’s own plans to slay the Archdemon in the final battle.

As expected, it resulted in Saoirse’s death.

Racked with guilt over never telling Leliana the truth of the matter, and believing she had been left the last of the Couslands--a mage that Thedas would have never recognized--she disappeared following the end of the Fifth Blight. Niamh placed herself in a self-imposed exile abroad for over a decade until news of a Conclave by Divine Justinia was brought to her attention. The Divine had hoped to bring together both sides of the Mage-Templar War and negotiate its end.

For Niamh, this led her to return to Ferelden. It was her last hope to see if the world could finally begin to change for the better.

Instead, she was given a far different destiny...

COMBAT & SKILLS

Preferred fighting style: She prefers keeping herself at range on the battlefield, for it allows her to better survey it. She sees everything like an intricate chess game, and she always tries to place herself and her team at the best advantage to overcome their opponents.

As a mage, Niamh incorporates a lot of staffwork in her fighting, especially when it comes to casting magic. However, when she was living abroad, she had to learn to adjust her fighting style altogether so that she would never be suspected of being a mage. As such, she taught herself to fight with spears and polearms, as they were still similar enough to normal staff-fighting that it wouldn’t require a completely new foundation with which to work from.

Because the new style of fighting required her to be within relatively close quarters of her enemies, she learned to try and limit the time of the engagement with them as much as possible with quick, brutal strikes. That methodology happens regardless of how many opponents there are. A quick takedown means a much quicker escape after all. As a runaway apostate, she couldn’t risk leaving a trail of bodies behind her wherever she went.

Special skills: Niamh is specialized in all the elemental houses of magic although she favors lightning the most. During her time with the Inquisition, she also specialized in necromancy--much to the surprise of many.

RELATIONSHIPS

Family: Of the renowned Couslands, only she and her older brother Fergus remain, but despite their years apart(she honestly didn’t know that he survived the Battle of Ostagar until she returned to Ferelden in 9:41), they remain loving and supportive as always toward one another. Of her late mother’s family, the Mac Eanraigs, she gets along well with them, especially her Aunt Eithne (who will be making her first official appearance in chapter 24 of OtSttCA).

Love interest: Leliana (although they won’t be an official couple until close to chapter 30 or so)

Best friends: Dorian, Sera, and Cole. She views the three of them like younger siblings, which was an admittedly odd feeling for her at first, given that she’s the youngest of her own siblings.

Of her other companions, she is also closest to Vivienne although Niamh sees her more like a fond, maternal figure than a best friend. She greatly respects how the older woman was able to take her status as a mage and turn it into a position of power within the Orlesian Imperial Court, especially when so very little of it was ever afforded to their people. When it comes to the mage allies she gathered from Redcliffe, she trusts Vivienne’s judgment in overseeing them along with the Knight-Enchanters Niamh requested of her back in chapter 13, especially since Niamh travels so much between missions. Then, when it comes to just about anything regarding Orlais, she goes to Vivienne as much as Leliana or Josephine, mostly wanting the insight of a mage in regards to the culture and politics seen there.

Then, of her War Council, Leliana and Josephine are her absolute favorites. Niamh and Leliana have so much history between them that it’s impossible to separate themselves from one another, and she appreciates Josephine’s sweet nature as well as her diplomatic acumen.

PERSONALITY

Positive traits: Her adaptability. There’s an almost... chameleon-like nature to Niamh at times. As such, she can acclimate herself to whatever her environment asks of her and find a way to thrive in spite of it all. She’s also quite intelligent. Ever the eternal student, she constantly looks to expand her wealth of knowledge. Had she not been born a mage, she likely would have done well as a scholar in the world of Thedas. Niamh is also benevolent, always seeking to place more kindness into the world rather than contributing to the bad already within it.

Negative traits: After years of being taught rather toxic, religious doctrine from the Chantry in regards to mages, Niamh has rather low self-esteem, especially when it comes to the subject of love. She doesn’t believe herself worthy of Leliana for instance. As brilliant as she is, her mind can be rather restless at times. This can lead to overthinking outside of any tactical or official setting, which tends to feed back on her latent anxiety as a leader. Then, having spent a decade constantly on the move, she’s not used to staying still for long periods of time, which lends itself to some trouble, especially if she’s injured. She is quite literally the worst patient ever. :P

Likes: Storms, the ocean, mabari, tea, strategy games, sweets, books, art

Dislikes: The Chantry, Templars, discriminatory behavior, incivility,

Fears: The Rite of Tranquility, outright failure as a leader

Guilty Pleasure: Niamh has the most terrible sweet tooth. If given half the chance, she’d get her entire day’s sustenance through sweets alone. She actually does like fashion; she just couldn’t allow herself to indulge in it since her nomadic lifestyle before joining the Inquisition didn’t permit such luxury. She’d happily window-shop the entire day away if given the opportunity.

Hobbies: Sketching, painting, crafting, reading, chess

#OC introduction #Niamh Cousland #...i really do ramble a lot don't i? lol #Niamh FAQ

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stvpidinlove · 3 years

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[ JESSICA VU, SHE/HER, CIS WOMAN ] — [ PRIMROSE “PRIM” TRAN ] is a child of [ MELINOE ] with the power of [ MEDIUMSHIP ] . they were born in [ 2000 ] and have been in nemean lion since [ 2015 ] . with the change, they [ ARE TRAINING IN ] the [ HERO ] role which makes sense since they’re usually [ DRAWING PORTRAITS & MAKING CANDLES ] . if you’d like to meet them try the [ SUN ] building .

yes...here i am again...!

BASICS

hometown: evanston, il

eye color: hazel

hair color: brown

height: 5′5

sexuality: bisexual

birthday: september 5, 2000 ( virgo )

BIO

prim’s parents met in college, at georgetown university. it was a long and arduous journey for both of them, though in very different ways. her father came from money in vietnam, but he moved to the states for college and didn’t speak much english, he only read it well enough to meet the requirements for foreign admittance (plus, he was exceptionally intelligent). meanwhile, prim’s mother was the daughter of immigrants who had always wanted more for their daughter. they were thrilled when she managed to get all the grants and scholarships necessary to attend, since they never could have afforded to send her to such a prestigious school otherwise.

naturally, prim’s mother was granted work study and she got a job in the main office, which is how the two met. they first bonded over a shared language and she was often tasked with helping him, and eventually she offered to help him with his college transition outside of the office.

and when i say prim’s parents...i mean the people who raised her. these two would fall in love in college, but neither admitted it aloud, out of fear of ruining the close friendship they’d forged.

after graduation, they both stayed in the dc area, but they didn’t talk as regularly. at some point, prim’s father met a darkly enchanting woman at the opera, of all places. in the grand theater of the kennedy center, their eyes met from across the expansive room, and prim’s father would go on to explain it to his daughter as “spellbound at first sight.” because it wasn’t love, it never became love, something he knew even before she became pregnant with his firstborn child. it felt nothing like the safety and warmth he’d felt with his college love who he’d never properly dated.

once melinoe was gone, prim’s father became a single parent in his late-twenties, a responsibility which he took on with care and composure. after his own experiences in the united states, he wanted to give his daughter a name that would be unique and beautiful but familiar to americans, so he chose primrose after the plant common to the dc area. his own parents back home were horrified by their single son fathering a child, though when they finally met their granddaughter face to face, they couldn’t help falling in love with her innocent face.

he reconnected with prim’s eventual stepmother when his daughter was five years old, and they got the second chance that few people ever do. they were married less than a year later, which was still a long time coming.

soon thereafter, prim’s stepmother got pregnant, and prim became a big sister to three rambunctious triplet boys. she remembers when it was just her and her father, but she can’t imagine life without her mom and brothers, who she’s particularly close to.

the only thing that stood in the way was the fact that she’s always felt different, and her father was somewhat secretive when she was a child, but by the time her powers manifested at the age of twelve, she knew why she was seeing people that others weren’t. it’s impossible to describe the feeling of playing alone in her room with polly pockets and suddenly having another girl join in. in this way, prim was rarely alone, but often felt isolated. it was like having imaginary friends with real stories and families and a whole history.

it was difficult and scary at first, but prim learned to take it in stride. she really liked hearing their stories, looking at obituaries that featured black and white photos of ghosts she knew from when they were bearing much younger faces she hardly recognized. she tried not to think too hard about the ghosts her own age, she just did her best to be there for them, because if she was seeing them, it must be for a reason, right?

her power was never something she wanted to control better, she liked acting as a conduit for those who happen to pass through her life, but she wasn’t much good at fighting off monsters and needed to come to nl for her own safety. despite her lack of fighting skills, she so deeply wanted to help people, so when the time came she decided to pursue the hero track.

RANDOM FACTS

prim totally can summon ghosts of her own volition...mostly. it takes a lot of effort and full on seance vibes right now, but she’s still learning! she prefers it when the spirits reach out to her, because that’s a whole lot easier and more exciting.

she actually kind of loves her powers, even when it gets heavy. most of the time ghosts just want the company or they don’t even know they’re dead, so she tries to be their friend and listen to their stories.

she often draws portraits of the ghosts she meets, particularly the ones she can’t get out of her head, who linger for days or weeks or months on end.

because ghosts are temporary, she tries not to get too attached, and it’s also a good thing because not all ghosts are that pleasant to be around and she doesn’t have a lot of luck with getting them to go away.

prim does have a decent collection of crystals and some tarot cards (and a crystal ball that is purely decorative). one of the only ways she’s learned to summon spirits is by using crystals to set her intentions, though it’s still pretty hit or miss.

super open and honest, esp about her powers! def doesn’t believe in using them for ~evil (like pranks or similar things lolol)

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS

someone desperately longing to speak to a dead loved one (or a not-so-loved one?)

someone who feels guilty about the death of another and the deceased reaches out to prim to help them convince the living person that the death wasn’t their fault???!

a flirtationship that prim doesn’t take too seriously because she’s friendly and can never tell when someone actually likes her. whether your char is on the same page or not is up to you!

someone Intrigued by her because she’s so upbeat and cheerful even though she’s constantly seeing dead people

ur char is convinced a ghost is haunting them and prim is like i promise u are not being haunted <3

someone who IS being haunted and doesn’t know it hehe

#as always i wrote this in the dead of night so if u see typos no u don't <3 #nlintro #𝙵𝙸𝙻𝙴𝙳 𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙴𝚁 ( 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒐 ) * prim #i just want to have more chars than vee

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theaspers · 4 years

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Uh hi, would it be cool if I asked you to elaborate your feelings on Lucifer? He may not be my favorite, but I love seeing people talk about him and his actions/feelings/etc

thank you for sending this ask! i’m sorry i went on such a long rant ahaha but this is only mostly based on lesson 6 alone bc if i were to talk about everything, it would probably be too long. still, i hope you enjoy this even if you disagree with what i say.

i want to preface this with saying that i haven’t read a lot of the devilgram stories in which i know there are a lot of background stories/character developments. so i can’t fully say that this is all based on in-game facts but rather a mix of that and a few conjectures i make from what i’ve read in the canon story line (plus maybe too much empathy on my side lol).

first and foremost, let’s point out the obvious - lucifer is the avatar of pride. i think a lot of his actions reflects that or, perhaps even more aptly, a lot of his actions stem from that. the pride he has i don’t believe is wrongly had. from what the rest of the characters have said, in the celestial realm, lucifer was heavily revered and incredibly admired. he commanded respect. he was beautiful. i think there’s an intense sense of pride and worth that comes with being put on such a pedestal. you have to also remember that he has not lost that even if he has fallen from grace. even by diavolo’s side, as his number 2 so to speak, he’s given an equal amount (if not more) of reverence.

but what is pride? in most cases (that being the more negative perspective), it is described as the most serious, most deadly of the seven sins. borrowing from the deadly sins wikipedia page, pride is often seen as dangerously corrupt selfishness, the putting of one’s own desires, urges, wants and whims before the welfare of other people.

and based on that definition alone, i really don’t see lucifer as being incredibly prideful. with lucifer, i’ve always understood it as being the other way around. he places a lot of importance on diavolo and his loyalty to him and sometimes it’s to the point of overexertion and overextension of himself. but, i think a lot of that actually is rooted in how important his brothers are to him.

anyone can see just how much how he cares about them, i think, but that often doesn’t translate well into his words (bc his pride aha), especially when he’s in front of his brothers.

(side note: for me, one of the more memorable instances of when he does say something is that part in the storyline when he, mammon, levi and satan were transported into that game and he got real angry at in-game cerberus and threatened to do terrifying things to cerberus if even a finger was laid on satan lol).

rather, i think he much prefers showing them he cares through his actions but most of the time, that’s just seen as him being overbearing, overprotective and suffocating which is fair. i think this screencap sums up how he feels about his brothers quite well, especially to mc who is essentially an outsider to him early on in the game:

he respects their freedom to do as they wish but if anything ever threatens the peace he has tried to create for all of them, of course, he’s going to do something about it.

i think in the end, for him, it boils down to power, control and facing the consequences of your own actions.

lucifer had been powerless. he had lost the war that he waged, had dragged his siblings down with him in the process, had lost his beloved sister because of it. he’d been powerless, again, when she was dying and he couldn’t do anything to save her. he had to depend on someone else, had to swallow up his pride and pledge his loyalty to this person.

that’s why he works so hard, i think, to keep himself and his brothers in line because he is indebted to diavolo, because this is him showing his gratitude to diavolo for essentially saving him and his brothers, because he can’t afford to lose this life too. i think that’s why he does things that might seem dumb sometimes - because he’s afraid even another toe slightly out of line could mean another grave loss, one that he may not be able to recover from.

that’s where his controlling nature comes from too, i think. he’s had very little in the way of control before. he couldn’t save himself, his brothers or his sister, had no control over his own fate, had no control over anything, really, so this manifests in him wanting to control everything around him instead. in 6-6 (duty bound), he says this:

and i think this is a nice look into how he had been at one point. he had no choice. he couldn’t have what he wanted. no choice, no control. so now he has to make sure everything goes the way he wants because if it doesn’t, who knows what will happen to him but even more so to his brothers?

it’s not like he’s doing all of this because he wants to but, rather, because he thinks he has to. though i suppose over the years, he might have developed something similar to a want for it. sometimes, i think he finds too much pleasure in ‘punishing’ his brothers but maybe that’s bc it’s the only way he knows to bond with them lol. but yeah, above all, i believe a lot of the things (though not everything) he does is with his brothers’ wellbeing in mind.

all of this i think is nicely summed up by, interestingly enough, diavolo himself in 6-12 (who’s the liar here?):

isn’t it interesting that diavolo brings it up? isn’t it? i think so 👀

and lastly, facing the consequences of one’s own actions. he had done things that he is, at this moment, still feeling the repercussions of. i think it’s something along the lines of your actions have consequences and this had been my consequence and i don’t want this to happen to you. that’s probably partly why he does what he does.

another interesting thing to note: he’s prideful enough that sometimes, i think, he doesn’t see his wrongdoings. but other times, he recognises his errors and does try to rectify it (although this one in particular was a lousy apology imo lolol u tried to kill me and u want to make it up by taking me out for a meal? the audacity.)

but anyways, i think that’s all about i want to say here. this answer got wayyy too long lol. these are all, of course, just my opinion and may even be like biased and pulled out of my ass lol. maybe i’m giving him way too much credit lolol who knows? you’re free to disagree with me and completely write me off. i’m not about to tell people who you should like or dislike, and i’m not going to tell you that all his actions are justified either. i just want to try and frame his character in a way that may help people understand him better hehe. but yeah. that’s it. thank you for this ask again!!

#sorry i talked too much sakjdjas #obey me #obey me swd #obey me lucifer #i hate that the read more puts everything under the cut boooo

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strawberriestyles · 5 years

Text

Part 5: Ghost Grave

(BANNER BY THE GODDESS HERSELF @adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy)

Harry X Reader (AU)

In which you try to resolve the case of a fraternity’s haunting in a single night.

Read previous parts here.

Word count: 2.6k

Author’s note: Here’s the end!! I think it’s probably the most satisfying conclusion I’ve written to date but you let me know lolol. Please enjoy!

There’s no way to tell how long you’ve been sitting here, dirt caking your hands and staining your fingernails. It could be minutes or hours. The pain in your leg is still thick and pulsing but you have yet to look past your skirt, terrified that you might find bone protruding from flesh. Instead, you sob with your eyes directed toward the concrete ceiling.

The fallen flashlight rests just beside one of your hands, beam illuminating the body which lays crumpled mere feet from you in this pit, this unmarked grave. It is only visible in your periphery.

Your thoughts have slowed, stalled, unable to venture any further back than the memory of your fall. But now your mind races to catch up, to connect the string of individual memories into something coherent. Of course you drew a solid conclusion at the very moment you first saw the skeleton in this room, but you have only now been able to process the truth of your situation.

Harry’s name leaves your lips before you’ve fully formed the idea of him. But nothing answers, only the very distant thump of music. You could almost convince yourself that the bass is all in your head.

“Harry,” you whisper again. The light beside you flickers and you can finally force yourself to lower your gaze, but still you see nothing new. “Please."

“Y/N, I didn’ know.”

The voice is so sudden and strange and close that you shift away from it. Your leg screams in protest and you let out a breathy shriek.

“Don’ move.”

You turn your head in the direction of the words, which sound garbled and thin, nothing more than a movement of air. Harry stands there beside you in the pit, his eyes unblinking and his body stock-still. But neither of these visuals is what unnerves you. It’s the transparency of him, the wispy form through which you can see the very solid skeleton—the very empty shell of what he once was.

You stare through him, see through him, and neither of you speaks for some time.

“Harry, when did you die?” Your voice is hoarse, thick, more real than anything else that surrounds you, or so it feels. Your eyes focus on the blurred outline of him and he stares back at you.

“Halloween of 1986.” He bends down as he speaks until his face is mere inches from yours. This close, you can see dirt smeared along his cheek. He looks just how you remember seeing him throughout the rest of the house, just dirtier and…less. “What year is it?”

“2019.”

There’s a sound like a shocked sigh and you can feel air pass over the edges of your face. It makes you shiver, and suddenly the cold that you’ve felt at random points throughout the night intensifies. Your arms curl around your abdomen. Your stomach is churning. This man in front of you, this ghost, is almost boyish in his confusion. And you are cold to the very center of your being.

“Why did you bring me down here? To find you?”

He shakes his head quickly. “No. I didn’ know. I thought—” He cuts himself off and shakes his head once more. “I didn’ remember any of it. Not until we got in here. Not until I saw my body—or my bones, I guess.” He scoffs. "Love, I didn’ know I was dead.”

You feel like you really could be sick. You almost wish he’d led you here purposely. This way is so much more tragic.

“What happened?”

Harry sighs. “No one was home and I was about to leave for a party. I just—I came downstairs because the power went out and then I found that space in the wall and…I fell. The same way you did."

You try to picture Harry—this man that you’ve known for only a single night but who feels so familiar already—stumbling through the dark alone, falling and suffering here where you currently sit. The fear and pain and loneliness he must have felt. “How long were you here for?”

“I died right away. Must’ve hit my head. Or broken my neck. One or the other.”

It’s a relief, somehow. You ache to touch him, to comfort him or yourself, you’re unsure.

“What even is this place?”

“I dunno. And I doubt the landlord actually knows it’s here. He would’ve said somethin’. Would’ve at least checked when I went missin’.” Harry sighs. “Y/N, ‘m sorry.”

“What?”

“I didn’ mean to drop yeh. ’S just—I was holdin’ on to yeh one second and then I couldn’ hold on to anythin’.”

“How does that even work? You’ve been touching me all night. I—“ Blood rushes to your face as you remember the time you spent in his bedroom. Well, what was once his bedroom. And the hoodie you’ve stolen from a closet that no longer belongs to him. “I could feel you touching me.”

“Could yeh?”

“Yes, I—”

Suddenly, you’re not so sure. Could it all have been in your head? Surely not. No, even when you weren’t looking, he pulled you away from the falling attic ladder and tweaked your shoulder. He broke the rungs of a ladder all on his own. He was solid beneath your fingers, if only a little slippery. It just doesn’t seem possible when he’s here in front of you in a flickering form. You reach your hand forward and it slides through him with little more than a chill. He blinks slowly.

“Can you feel that?”

“Yes,” Harry answers, shifting toward you like he’s chasing your touch.

Perhaps it wasn’t all in your head, but maybe it was a joint effort. A manifestation of your imagination and Harry’s obliviousness to his own death. After all, he only faded after he’d seen his empty body.

“Yeh need to get out of here, love. Can tell yeh’re tryin’ not to look at it, but your leg isn’t in great shape. No one’s gonna find yeh down here. And I don’ think they’ll be able to hear you either.”

He’s right, you’re sure. But the mere thought of trying to get up makes your head spin. Pain still lances needle-sharp through your leg, up from your ankle to your kneecap and back down.

“I don’t think I can.”

“Yeh have to. Now, get up.”

Harry stands again. He watches you expectantly, and despite your reluctance, you press your back into the wall of the pit. The edge from which you fell is above you but it looks incredibly far away. You close your eyes and hold your breath as you press upward. Although you put all of your weight on your good leg, you have to grit your teeth against the jolting agony of your injured limb as your heel drags across the ground. It’s close to unbearable, but you power through. When you’re upright, you tilt your head back and your heart plummets.

“I can’t reach that,” you whisper.

“You need to try,” Harry insists.

With a huff, you spin yourself around. The force of your movement twists your leg so roughly that you cry aloud. Harry is at your side, his hands extended toward you but missing the pressure that his touch should carry. His face is drawn and creased, so human, so life-like. And you reach your fingers up the wall and there are still too many feet between you and the lip of that floor.

“Are yeh okay?”

“No.” You let out a pathetic sob, lower your hands, and lean your forehead to rest against the back of one. Tears leak down your cheeks and leave your face feeling stiff and sticky. “Harry, I need you to help me.”

“How?”

“I’m not gonna be able to pull myself out of here.”

Harry shakes his head. “I can’ lift yeh. I can’ even touch yeh.”

“I know, I know. I need you to tell someone I’m down here.”

“Y/N.” Harry tilts his head like he pities you. That’s not right. He’s the dead one. You’re still alive. You still have a chance, but it depends on him. “No one else can see me.”

“What?”

“I felt like I was drawn to you when yeh got here tonight. Like—like yeh were open somehow. And I didn’ know why, but I guess we know now.”

“Please, Harry. I need you to try.”

“Love, I was just up there tryin’. The whole time yeh’ve been sittin’ here. I was upstairs and I couldn’ get a single person to acknowledge me.”

Your head spins all over again and you sink down to the ground, screaming as you jostle your bad leg. Your eyes finally catch sight of your injury and although there’s no visible bone, the limb is angled strangely. The contents of your stomach threaten to empty but you swallow against rising bile. You yell for help as an overwhelming anxiety, a helplessness overtakes you.

“I’m going to die down here with you,” you choke out between sobs. Harry only watches from above, his lips pressed tightly together, eyebrows drawn low. He waits until you’ve cried yourself out, until you’ve calmed yourself back to the silent, contemplative state you sat in while he was upstairs. Then he crouches down in front of you.

“Yeh’re not gonna die, love. We’re gonna figure somethin’ out, okay? Yeh’re gonna be fine.”

You look into his softened face, contrasted by the determined look in his eyes and the set of his jaw, and you can almost believe him. But the hopelessness of your predicament is overpowering. You let your head rest back against the wall.

“Stop it.” Harry’s hand slides up your wrist, and it shocks you like a bit of static before the sensation fades into nothing again. “I can’ touch yeh and I can’ talk to anyone else, but there’s gotta be somethin’ I can do to help. Think, love. Yeh’re smart enough for this.”

Your cheek lolls onto your shoulder. You let his determination stir your own and you begin to think back through the events of the night. All of the times you felt cold or uncomfortable, the slamming attic door. The darkness of that attic and this basement. The complete loss of power not once but twice tonight, and the flickering of the flashlight bulb when Harry reappeared here beside you.

“The electricity.”

“What?”

You stare down at the light and nod. “You need to short the power again.”

“What?”

“Harry, it’s been you all night. You’re the ghost who’s been causing the power outages. You just need to do it once more so that someone comes downstairs.”

He shakes his head regretfully. “I didn’ do any of that on purpose. It just happened. I didn’ even think it was me doin’ it, love.”

“Well, you know now, and I need you to try. Really hard. Please, Harry.”

He’s frowning, but there’s a look of desperation on his face that you’re sure mirrors your own.

“Please,” you whisper again.

Harry closes his eyes, sighing, threading his fingers together. His face screws up like he’s trying to concentrate, but it’s only a few seconds before he mumbles, “I have no clue what ‘m supposed to be doin’.”

Your head tips forward and you grunt as a muscle in your broken leg twitches.

“Okay, okay,” Harry says as your fist at your hair. He closes his eyes again and this time he stills completely, He stops breathing the air he doesn’t need and ceases the disconcerting flickering at the edges of his form. The flashlight shorts for a quick moment before blinking back to life. Then you’re immersed in darkness again. Your head spins, thoughts circling down a drain, and you hear your name in Harry’s garbled voice before you lose consciousness.

***

When you awake, you can hear voices, distant and urgent and muffled. Dead, you think. I’m dead. An entire army of earth-bound ghosts is parading around you and you’re dead.

“Y/N, you awake?”

When your eyes open, it’s dark as night. There is no flashlight, but you can feel a presence by your shoulder. And then a touch, soft, but very real.

“Harry?”

“Yeah, ’s me.”

“I’m dead.” It’s not a question. If you can feel him, you must be, and somehow the thought doesn’t make you as upset as you thought it might.

He chuckles. “After all that work? No, yeh’re not dead, love.”

“What?”

“There are paramedics here. They’re tryin’ to figure out how to get yeh outta here because your leg is broken. And the bigger guys can’ fit through the gap but the women wouldn’ be able to lift yeh out alone.”

Your mind spins and Harry’s knuckles brush at your cheek. “How are you doing that?”

“I dunno. Just want to really bad. Tha’s how I got the power out. Think it was me that made yeh pass out though, love. ‘M sorry. Was like I needed more energy and yeh just kinda…gave it to me.”

“So, someone came downstairs?”

“Yeah.” You can hear the smile in Harry’s voice. And the sound is so strong, like he was never a diminished version of himself. “And then I threw the flashlight at him.”

“You what?”

“Well, yeh weren’ conscious, and I wasn’ about to just let him turn the power on and go back upstairs. So, I flung it at the little gap and it rolled into the other room. He couldn’ fit in here, but he called the police.”

“Harry,” you begin, shifting toward him. Your leg twists and you let out a guttural scream.

“Hello?” someone shouts from the main basement. “Miss, we’re coming to get you!”

“Look, we don’ have a lot of time before they get in here and if yeh’re just talkin’ to open air, they’re gonna think yeh’ve gone mad.”

“Or that I’m in shock,” you argue.

“Yeh probably are.”

“Shut up.”

Harry’s fingers whisper along your jaw once more before his touch falls away. “Thank you,” he says.

“For what?”

“For finding my body.”

“I didn’t—”

“You did, even if you didn’t mean to, even I didn’t mean for you too.” He sighs, and it sounds exaggerated, especially when you realize that he doesn’t need the air that he's moving. “Will you tell my family?”

There’s a thick silence that falls between you, and in it, you hold your breath. “Tell them what?”

“That I didn’ just run away. That I wasn’ murdered. That I didn’ suffer. They probably have no idea what happened to me. Maybe they didn’ even have a funeral. I dunno. Maybe they’ve all died, but I feel like I would know, right?”

You swallow, though your throat’s dry. Harry lays a palm over the back of your hand.

“Please? Just let them know?”

“Of course I will, Harry.”

Then his lips are pressed to your forehead, light and feathery as cotton, and you can feel him smile against your skin. “Oh,” he mumbles, “and I think yeh’ll do just fine as a paranormal investigator, love. Think yeh picked the right major after all.”

When he pulls away, you can feel him stand up, feel him drifting, somehow. “You’re leaving,” you observe, and your voice is more desperate than you expected. “Where are you going?"

There’s shuffling in the crevice that leads to this place as first responders attempt to reach you. Metal scrapes against the concrete walls and people in the basement are still shouting at each other. But you can hear Harry’s voice over all of the din as he says, “The only place I can go. On.” And then he’s gone.

The End

#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry styles imagine #harry styles writing #harry styles angst #see through

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thirstyfortom · 6 years

Text

Idk about “an act” thing, but I had an idea for this and got carried away LOL. Hope you like this! ^^

Third time’s a charm

This date is taking an unexpected turn. Also not the best one, to be honest.

You and Yoosung had been on two dates before, and they were fantastic, you went to the movies, took a stroll in the park and bought books, so when he asked you out again, you were as tingly as him when you said yes.

So now that it’s getting weird, you feel even worse, because you have no idea when things stopped making sense… is it your fault? Something you said? Something you did? Or is it because this is the third date? Yoosung watches and reads romcom, so of course he would be imagining the third date to end with only one possible closure… and considering how blushy he gets just by kissing and holding hands, it’s understandable that he is spiralling out with the possibility of… you… and him… going a little further than just kissing and holding hands.

But this is a little too much even for him… He’s not being himself at all! At first, it was pretty funny, he suggested that you guys should go clubbing. You were surprised, but it did sound fun, so you agreed, though you were curious about his choice.

“My friends from college say this club is very lit, so I think we should try it.” Okay…

You guys waited on the line for a couple of hours, it was getting a little chilly, and you noticed his ears getting red due to the cold.

“Are you okay? You look cold…” you leaned against him and brought your hands to cover his ears, but he pried your hands away.

“I-I’m fine, MC. I actually can handle cold very well, you know?” you just nod as he smiles in reassurance. Well, if he says so…

Then you guys managed to get inside the club, and you dragged him to the dance floor, holding his hand and making sure he was close. The lights, the smoke, the people bumping and grinding… all of this is overwhelming for you, just imagine to someone who has their depth sense still a little compromised due to the loss in their sight…

“I’m not a good dancer, MC…”

“Me neither, so why don’t we just…” you grab his hands, placing them on your hips “...follow the beat?”

“Oh… oh yeah! That sounds very cool, then I can…” he shakes his head suddenly, clearing his throat and shrugging. “I guess that’s fine.”

Was he really having fun? He seemed so aloof and uncomfortable, he’s not even smiling as much as he did in your previous dates… were you doing something wrong?

Then came the breaking point: a tipsy girl bumped on you, it was accidental, but it was hard enough for you to lose your balance and she noticed.

“Oh sorry, hon, but you should really look at where you’re going…”

“Hum… I was just here dancing with my boyfriend, you’re the one who showed up out of nowhere…”

“Whaaat? Are you saying I’m the one to blame?” she started sniffing. Was she… crying? Crying over something so silly? Both you and Yoosung frowned in confusion.

“Babe, what’s wrong? What happened?” a guy showed up. Huge arms, the biggest you’ve ever seen and if they wouldn’t drive attention enough already, he also had tattoos on his biceps, it was impossible to look away.

The girl kept sobbing in an exaggerated way, she was drunk, she was emotional, and she was definitely making a scene based entirely on nothing.

“Babe, they… they’re just so mean…” she hugged the inked guy, who glared at you and Yoosung.

“Hey, what the hell did you do to her?”

“We didn’t do anything! We were just-” Yoosung held your shoulder and stepped himself in front of you, as if he was protecting you. From what?

“Don’t even think about yelling at her.”

“Yeah? Or else…?” the guy crossed his arms in a threatening way, his muscles bulging to a point it made you gulp.

“Yoosung, just let it go…” you plead, holding his forearm.

“No, this guy is being rude at you and I can’t let this happen! No one talks to you like that, this-”

“They are drunk and it was just a bump, don’t mind them and let’s get out of here, please?”

“Get out!? But MC, our date-”

“Can continue somewhere else. Please let it go.” your voice was firm as you were bossing him, but you were actually begging. The last thing you wanted was him getting hurt or, worse, hurting someone and having to go to the police station.

And after that, you were ready to call a cab and take him to your place for you guys to chill and cuddle, but Yoosung had different plans…

So now here you are, sitting on a chair of an ink studio as he flips through the pages of a tattoo booksource. And now you know where it went wrong: the buff guy throwing a fit for his drunken girlfriend.

“It’s pretty cool how these places stay open late at night, huh?” he comments, and you just nod.

He felt like backing away because you asked was not the right thing to do as a man, not like that man in the club, add that on top of this being the third date and you can understand how pressured he’s feeling. Your boyfriend is worried he’s not manly enough… and the tattoo will be the proof that he’s not a coward, that he takes risks and that he’s as man as that guy.

Your poor boyfriend… if only he knew you think he’s the strongest man you’ve ever seen, if only he knew you wouldn’t care even if he wasn’t, because he’s great no matter what. If only he knew he doesn’t have to mark his skin and go through this pain just to prove a lame point…

“I could do a dragon! In LOLOL, there was a dragon that looked like this, what do you think?”

“Yoosung…”

“Or maybe a snake on my back… or a lizard…”

“Yoosung?”

“Yes?”

“You really don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

“Huh? But I want to, I’ve been thinking about it… for a while, yeah, I think a change would make me look cool and edgy…”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah, of course, MC! Why… why are you asking me that?”

“I just don’t want you doing something you can regret later…”

“Oh… oh, are you worried I might be afraid of needles? Don’t worry, I-”

“I know you’re not afraid of needles, Yoosung, you’re studying to be a doctor, you handle needles in your internship, I’m not thinking about you being afraid or incapable or… I don’t see you as a scared little boy, Yoosung!” whew… you said it…

“Then… why did you want to get out of the club? I could have fought with the guy, it would be hard to win, but… I would put a good fight, MC…” he looks down, his voice is low and deep in a way you’ve only heard on that time he had just came back from Mint Eye’s headquarters and called you from the hospital…

“I know that, honey. But what’s the point in hurting or getting hurt over something so silly? What’s the point of getting something permanent in your skin just to prove a point to someone we’ll probably never see again?”

“I don’t want to get a tattoo because of the guy, I want to… impress you…” he blushes hard, like you haven’t seen him do the entire night.

“M-me?”

“Y-yeah! I… I just wanted a reminder that I can be strong and defend you, like that guy was doing for his girlfriend. I… want to be someone that protects you.”

Your heart flutters. Yoosung Kim can be so extra even in the way he manifests his insecurities. Insecurities that, if you could, you would rip them off of him.

You make him look at you, cupping his cheek, you lean closer and kiss his left eye, making him flinch as he gasps.

“We already have a reminder of how you protect me, Yoosung. I wish there wasn’t, but it’s here and everytime I look at it, it takes me back to that party where you gave a speech and… kissed me, and ever since then I’m never afraid because I have you to rely on. So… will you rely on me and talk to me before putting on an act to impress me? Will you believe me when I say you’re great exactly like you are?”

His face is on fire, it almost looks like he will burst out to tears at any moment, but all he does is smile. A pure, sunshine smile that lights up the entire room.

And he kisses you. A passionate and sweet kiss onle him is able to pull off so naturally.

“Uhm… did you choose the design for you tattoo, man?” a guy stands next to the door, not even fazed by the PDA, but quite bothered by it.

“”No, not really, I think… I need a few more days to decide, thank you anyways.” and you guys leave the ink studio

***

You guys ended the night at your place, eating junk food and cuddling in the couch.

“So… MC, I was thinking… this was our third date, right?”

“Yep…”

“Yes, uhm… so… I was thinking… can we redo our third date? I… I had a different idea for it, but ended up going with one of my classmates’ suggestion to go to the club, so… can we try again?”

You laugh, nuzzling in his chest.

“Sure. Say the date and I’ll be there.”

“G-good. Thank you for accepting it.”

“It’s my pleasure, just give me some time, okay? I want to do a little surprise for you as well…”

“A surprise?”

“Yeah, you know… tattoos might not be your thing, but I don’t know, maybe it could be mine, so… I was thinking of getting one.”

“R-really? Well, that’s good, I guess. What do you plan to get?”

“I don’t know yet, but I can tell you this: I want to have it in a place of my body only you are allowed to see.”

Yoosung stiffs in the couch, chuckling nervously as you press your body against him, seeking for more warmth.

“That’s… that’s something to discuss after our third date.”

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger mini-fics #mystic messenger scenarios #mystic messenger headcanons #mystic messenger writing #yoosung kim #yoosung x mc #yoosung x reader #mystic messenger fics #mystic messenger one-shots

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sigmastolen · 6 years

Text

ent 2.18 “the crossing”

okay i get that they’re protecting their crew and themselves from dying helplessly in some kind of non-corporeal fever dream while hostile-ish aliens possess their bodies but wow, archer just murdered hundreds of life forms by blowing up their failing ship and neither t’pol nor phlox made even a cursory argument against it? nobody even considered trying to help them make repairs instead of killing them all?

also: if they “can’t survive in space” how did they go to and fro between enterprise and their ship after they spat enterprise out? surely that trip takes longer than it did for the 20-odd crew members to “die” just long enough to drive away the creatures but not long enough to require phlox to actively resuscitate them. (also wow, did dominic keating ever go off the rails this episode and especially that death scene lolol, director david livingston what were you on? actually all of livingston’s episodes except perhaps 2.14 “stigma” have been way over the top, yikes, ent. this episode’s extreme close-ups are also notable.)

also also, things i just don’t get: why physical ship even matters to non-corporeal beings who can pass through matter (like hulls and bulkheads and ev suits and human flesh); how they don’t show up on sensors when they are visible phenomena; why everyone kept shooting at and running away from the non-corporeal beings who can pass through bulkheads; how nobody noticed possessed!tucker lurking for like five whole minutes; why berman, braga, and bormanis felt it was necessary for possessed!reed to be a walking sexual harassment lawsuit (oh right, because they’re gross creeps, that one i already knew)

i do quite like the subtle implication that phlox (or maybe just billingsley) hates the ev suits, with how he didn’t close the faceplate until the last minute and then opened it again immediately, and the way he handled the phase pistol with possessed!sato makes me believe he was a combat medic. i also like that, for t’pol, an extremely traumatic alien encounter manifests as tears and a single sob. (i love t’pol in this episode. i just love t’pol always. i love t’pol so much.)

#sigma watches trek #sigma watches ent #space: the final frontier #thinky thoughts #ugh i gotta stop staying up so late this is not a good life choice

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keenathered · 3 years

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Friday, April 9, 2021

in my feels, as they say - understandable considering the date. is this gonna be a thing for me? crying at the new year and crying on/around my birthday? people cry after sex and here I am crying about something most everyone will experience and no one can avoid. I've been obsessively watching kpop tiktoks; even going so far as watching those compilations on youtube but even the biggest consciousness saw how pathetic that was and stopped. they don't make me feel nice. I'll get a laugh or chuckle but after I don't feel very good - showing me what I could/could have had; that I feel is another mindkiller - second to fear. I was so desperate for a husband naively believing my mother when she said after marriage, everything is how you want it. unlearned that real quick when she got specific on how I make life perfect for the man, not myself. I don't car what her reasoning was - she was setting me up for years and years of internalized misogyny. then I was desperate for a baby thinking I could pour love into something and get that and maybe more love back - that went on for many years when I was a baby myself; couldn't've been more than 14. now I'm desperate for a best friend. just one who can be everything that I am not so that we can become one whole human and who they are doesn't matter. do you see a pattern here? besides the desperation. I don't know how to behave/act in a manner that is not codependent

I had a thought the other day - since I've convinced myself that I have all this love to give - because if it were real life, I wouldn't expect/demand (thanks smother!) anything in return - and no one to love me how I want to be loved, then I should give it all to myself. I don't know if that is healthy - being codependent with yourself. prob isn't because codependency itself is unhealthy. peeps keep recommending that you should have a support system - therapist, chingu, etc - to heal properly but I don't know if I can someone who understands where I'm coming from - unless she's a Shia Saydani

anyway. these are all thoughts I'm having to distract myself from the fact that I haven't told the parents I've moved out - not *that* important - and that I am absolutely, pants-shittingly terrified of being independent with this job as my only means of income. I already think my apartment is shitty and poky/small and I haven't even moved in - that insecurity was telling when I reassured A that I don't need that much space; did she ask?? I'm embarrassed because the smother's voice is saying that I'm too good for this apartment when really, I'm not. there's no too good for/not enough for anything and embarrassment is all in your head - you can never control (shout out to smother!) what other people think about you; they value their opinion more highly than anything you'll ever do/say. it's a protective mechanism and most people have too big/tiny of an ego to see that

also, I don't think a year is long enough to be away from and heal from the trauma of moving back home after nearly a decade of semi-independence. that was me traumatizing myself, lolol. this is why I can't shake the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to even look at apartments had the father not insistedinsistedinsistedinsistedinsistedinsistedinsisted (I got a scar to prove how he manifested his words into proof that he's right; after all those years of living insured and dissociated and only when he won't stop saying something until you give in? that's where I get it from, huh, thinking that's how you convince - let's be real, it's manipulation by exhaustion - someone into do what you want; smother learned that from him. more and more I learn how toxic that marriage is; and how they've convinced themselves that it's normal [or what I would call healthy because there's no such thing as normal] 😱😱 no baby nonono) that I get health insurance - his coward's way of saying I had to get a job; just say it? just say what you mean? why is saying what you mean so hard when you do nothing but talk at people?

have I found it? have I found my peace? is it in self awareness? the thought of explaining it to the racist ww or the father - that you need to step outside yourself and watch yourself without feeling or judgement or bias to see where your flaws are (to acknowledge and hopefully work on but that's waay too much to ask for 🙄🙄)

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tenscupcake · 6 years

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tenth doctor adventures: vol. 2... my thoughts!!!!

basically, i think this is going to be a live-blog of sorts... i’ve got notepad open and i’m going to write stuff down as i listen and probably go back and add in some more in-depth commentary where i feel it’s warranted... here we go!

infamy of the zaross.

okay, right off the bat the theme song made me very emotional and long intensely for the days when i loved this show and got super stoked about watching. i mean the thrill running through my veins at this song man… god i miss it.

totally loved the beginning... it was a much-welcome interaction with jackie. and i loved her sticking up for rose from marge... god what an unpleasant woman

“flash mob?” lolol the doctor still proficient in pop culture slang i see

“well, i am that good” yes you are 😄

the taRDIS sounds ❤️❤️❤️

jackie doesn’t back down from these brutes at all it’s very IC

“stitch this” C L A S S I C 👍🏻

i love when the doctor is so angry he /almost/ appears calm it’s frightening as ever and i can picture it so well. i think they really did justice to how his rage tends to manifest

“we save planets, the three of us” w2g jackie

“the tall skinny thing” (in reference to the doctor) lmao

i like how rose played a huge part in saving the day in this story, and that they didn’t relegate her to a supporting role, or worse - a helpless one. that was one of my major concerns about these audios if i’m honest. it was a relief!

“oh you’ve got guns do you? i’ve got a screwdriver” - frankly amazing

i love rose’s speech to jess. just goes to show how far she’s come bc i think she used to feel similarly when we met her back in s1, you know?

“who just saved the world - karen or jess?” rose slayin’ it again! i also like how they didn’t put arbitrary family relationships on a pedestal in this story. that was one thing that annoyed me about the end of the idiot’s lantern, and i think a common thread that seems to run throughout dw.

“i’ve got the tardis. i’ve got you! (THERE WAS EMPHASIS HERE NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE) what else does a wandering time lord need?” YES THIS IS THE CONTENT I AM HERE FOR

“who wants to watch a tv series about me?” HAH!!! cheesy but i DO NOT CARE I LOVE IT

overall, i enjoyed this story a lot! i feel they kept everyone in character and i can’t recall anything cringe-worthy or that i wish they’d done differently. what a pleasant surprise! 😍

the sword of the chevalier.

rose still wandering off after all this time lol

“we were having a lovely day out, i was hoping for ice cream” how utterly domestic i love it

has the doctor been listening to too much sia btw??? he won’t shut up about that chandelier lol

“you little devil” admittedly at first i didn’t know WHAT she had possibly put on to make him say this, but in retrospect knowing it was ACTUALLY a devil costume i still feel like this was 100% meant as a double entendre the way it was delivered (thank you david)... they’re def gonna be roleplaying later

his name is LUIGI in this little scenario WHY omg

honestly i’m sorta bummed we didn’t get to hear ten attempt to sing

the doctor munching on sandwiches at such an inopportune time lol so typical

protective!ten is back with his angry growling voice and i am here for it

“you try and put a price on life you only expose how worthless you are” good line doc damn

“i’m not one for killing blows” no you aren’t bb and it’s why i adore you

when they addressed him as their ‘master’ and he was like ‘that’s more like it’ all seductive like ngl i sort of got off on that whole interaction 😂 i love it when the doctor gets to acknowledge and capitalize on his power for a second 🔥

“tell rose how good i am with a sword” ok at first i was like man he’s still constantly and desperately seeking rose’s approval i see and that was thrilling enough in itself BUT THEN IT GOT EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS

“about 30 seconds of good” - ROSE TLYER

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KID’S PROGRAM GOD DAMN!!!! 😂

this is what they acted like isn’t it???

(also ten you gotta step up your endurance game bro 😂😂😂)

LITERALLY DIED OVER THIS A LONG TIME. STILL DYING ACTUALLY.

ANYWAY.

my only true issue with this story was i felt like they didn’t handle the ambiguously transgender character with as much sensitivity as i might like? but i also don’t feel qualified to offer an opinion here, i’d be interested to hear what any trans listeners out there thought.

aside from this, overall i still thought it a solid episode that felt pretty authentically rtd who. and it was just as vivid and easy to picture as the first story. made me feel like i was watching a bonus episode of season 2, which is quite a feat i think. i am getting sooooo nostalgic the longer i sit here listening. i miss these two so much.

cold vengeance.

they were going to go skiing and i am so disappointed they didn’t get to their intended destination bc if that ain’t the start to a glorious christmas fanfic idk what is

“me? guess? never. it’s always informed deduction.” too true 😂

losing the tardis... ah, classic ten/rose

i don’t think i’ll ever get tired of hearing david say ‘i’m the doctor’ (and lbr i don’t think he will either)

i love that there are scottish characters in this ❤️

“you believe you can give me (long pompous title here) an ultimatum?” “yes, i do” slay ‘em, babe

“i’m a time lord, and you do not want to get on the wrong side of me!” there it is again 🔥

“one chance, that’s all rose tyler ever needs.”

i do love that rose once again saved herself (with help) they really didn’t fall back on the ‘doctor has to save the helpless human companion’ trope in these stories and i am grateful for that, it was another one of my fears going in

“i was planning to come back” “yeah right, that’s what you always say” well, that stung 😟

“i’m not going anywhere without rose” that’s my boy 👌🏻

“nobody is expendable!” 🙌🏻

callum’s (sp?) mom seems strangely un-bothered by her son dying? or is that just me

“you don’t know what real honor and sacrifice mean. take it from someone who does” CHILLS

“after this, can we go somewhere warm?” did anyone else hear this with a 😏 ? or am i just still flying on the high of the last super-suggestive conversation?

another great story!

this whole experience was so much better than i anticipated. i had some characterization issues with volume one. the experience wasn’t quite as immersive as i was expecting; it did feel disconnected from ten’s original run in a way that’s hard to pin down. so i came into volume two quite worried the same would apply here, and it’d only be worse since this is OUR SHIP, the couple that means more than literally any other couple in all of fiction to our little fandom sect. any damage done to them was bound to leave scars, since all the lines were being read in their proper voices. i was so worried that they would mess up one or both of their characterization, or throw in something gross like a moffat casanova trope.

and i am SO GLAD THEY DIDN’T. i feel like they did my fave characters justice this round and david and billie simply NAILED their performances despite it being like ten years since they last played these characters opposite one another... i am simply floating on happiness right now.

i won’t lie and say i wasn’t wishing for more shippy tsr style dialogue b/w them, but we did get a few, and i think nothing but fanfic could ever satisfy me in that respect, probably ;) so i let them off the hook for that.

as long as they continue in this vein...

GIVE ME VOLUME THREE!!!

#bf ten audios #just me ramblingggggg #if anyone wants to chat more i am down #ten x rose #otp: she's all you want in the universe

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yakumtsaki · 7 years

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CHILLIN LIKE A VILLAIN. Pleased with yourself, are you, Becky with the good hair?

-Oh quite, though I’d be more pleased if my damn arm would unglitch.

HA looks like it got stuck while you were putting your filthy hands on Wyatt. God’s punishment is swift. Know what else is gonna be swift? YOUR DEATH. Get him, Waylon Fairchild Dementia Raven Way!

-Ugh, no way, I’m exhausted, everyone is in love with me and I just want to be with Draco, ok? Why couldn’t Satan make me less beautiful? IT’S A CURSE

Waylon sis truly don’t even talk to me about curses and Satan right now, this entire lot is cursed and crawling with evil spirits and beelzebubian energies. Ever since we moved here my life has never known peace. Next thing you know snakes are gonna start manifesting in this house physically.

Well looks like the snakes are already here. FRANCES WILL YOU FUCKING STOP ALREADY YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED JOYATT IS DEAD NOW CEASE AND DESIST

-No way bitch, time to suffer. Look at it and weep, look at it with your own two eyes!

First of all I’ve been weeping since yesterday so joke’s on you. Secondly I still can’t believe you did this to me after I generously gave you this whole debonair look YOU’RE THE WORST

-La la la can’t hear you over the sound of your plans crumbling all around me!!

I’m seriously gonna murder you a thousand times. Wyatt what about you, you dumbass bimbo? What do you have to say for yourself?

-Not beaucoup, I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this, it makes absolument no sense! Huhu!

I hate you both so fucking much I might actually vomit.

Ugh my poor Jojo </3 I’m so sorry that your love life has turned into a giant pile of crap.

-Please, who cares.. Definitely not me!

Yeah well that much is obvious! Are you sure you’re alright tho? Because you look, you know. worryingly expressionless and in denial.

-Oh no, I’m just focusing on my new proposal,“Project MKUltra: The Comeback”. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I have to deal with adulterous whores again!

Good, good, pour yourself into your art. Speaking of, maybe it’s also time to pour yourself a refreshing drink?

Attaboy, milk that cowplant, Jojo!

-Hmm this process feels oddly sexual..

Yea, I can tell by your massive erection, jesus, I mean even for you-

-Ew no what the hell? That’s just because Ti-Ning is dead!

Oh ok, that’s fine then!

-YES YEEEEES I FEEL THE POWER COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS

Hard to believe anything can course through your veins with all that ice in there but alright. Now we just have to wait..

..for the cowplant to get hungry again. I literally can’t with Daniel and Gunther constantly picking fights with Jojo’s former suitors, especially since Jojo doesn’t seem to give enough of a fuck to fight them himself. We are family, I got all my sisters with me!

Ugh I keep forgetting Daniel has 9 nice points, what a crybaby. How you gonna fight capitalism when you can’t even fight Wyatt?? MAN UP DAN

Nice, there we go! I’m truly living for Brit’s utter lack of interest in fights happening next to her. Her aspiration bar is about to hit the crapper bc I’m even worse at playing popularity sims than I am at getting couples not to whore around, so the time has come..

TO PARTY HARD, TOGA STYLE. I really threw this party thinking it would be a success and save Brit from aspiration failure, so obviously the time has come to acknowledge that I’m even stupider than Wyatt. Things get off to a good enough start with the profs tickling each other, which everyone knows is the mark of a wild college party!

Ti-Ning, gone but never forgotten.

-Hey Brit, want some Ti-Ning to wash down that pizza?

-Please stop addressing me.

-That’s right, address moi instead!

NO YOU DON’T WYATT. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE

..........................................................................all I can say is LMAO

Wyatt, sweetie, full offense, exactly how dumb are you?

-What? I wanna marry Jojό! <3

Ok. Do you have any recollection of breaking his “heart” 2 hours ago, setting him on the path of a complete nervous breakdown?

-Oh, that was just a bump on la route, don’t be so dramatique!

-Does it count as a win if the only thing you put in the hole.. are your tears?

.....god.

Meanwhile and to the surprise of no one, Gunther is being sexually harassed by a professor, namely Down-With-The-Kids-Pink-Beanie.

-Sooo Gunther, half-alien professor told me all about you, you little ginger minx.. What do you say you and I adjourn somewhere private and I see if the carpet matches the drapes..

-EW forget it, lady, you’re not even in the art department and I only have one rule: no whoring without extra scoring.

Um what about the rule of monogamous dating which you are currently doing with Mel?

-RIGHT that too!

Once again...god.

The one person having a great time at this party is Kevin Beare, who eats half a pizza by himself..

..and then moves on to chips. He legit came here for the free food and didn’t talk to anyone the entire time, which is what I do at every party except with drinks. Live your truth, Kev!

Look who’s back from class and still glitched lolol

-Can you please reset me already, I had to take an exam like this!!!

Pfff grades??? There are so many more important things in life, Fran. Live a little, join the celebration.. party like there’s no tomorrow. CAUSE THERE ISN’T

I’ve no idea what happened here but Tiffany is non-stop bullying this 2006-Oliver-Sykes haired professor. Judging from Pink Beanie and sims professors in general it’s safe to say he deserves it. GET HIM TIFF

-Why doesn’t anyone want to fuck me, Frank? What am I doing wrong? Has Woody Allen been lying to us about hot young women being uncontrollably attracted to neurotic, misogynist, mediocre intellectuals over 60?

Oh great, I thought this party was gonna end as a dud but I see we’re going for full-on disaster.

-I’ve just about had enough of you and your passé casquette, communiste!

-My casquette is not passé, it’s classic!

-LADY STOP TRYING TO GET UNDER MY TOGA

-Aw come on, please? For mommy?

-You should use that line on Jojo where it might actually work!

Enemies, these bitches my enemies, not on my level so they just pretend to be, yes, why do you envy me? Cause I am the MVP, these bitches my enemies ♪

-FOR THE GLORY OF THE USSR

Yea, seems about right. Whatever though, cause after the party..

COMES THE CAKE.

Goodbye Francis, it’s been nice, hope you find your paradise!

-Oh please, SEE YOU IN HELL BITCH. WAIT FOR ME CAUSE I’M GONNA FIGHT YOU THERE TOO

It’s a beautiful morning and our llama friend is back to spread some school pride and presumably some bodily fluids. We almost went an entire day without seeing him but here he is again! GET OUT OF MELODY’S SHOWER YOU FUCKING CREEP

-FINE. YOU’RE GONNA APPRECIATE ME WHEN I’M GONE

Yea don’t worry that day is permanently coming as soon as we milk Frances out of the cowplant. Honestly this fucking llama is the last straw, the time has come for me to take back control of this house..

..starting with getting sweet, dumb Wyatt back with Jojo! I really think the Frances thing was a fluke, I mean W wasn’t in a committed relationship with Jo, he didn’t initiate it and he rolled the want to get engaged to him for the second time after it. So the whole thing = Fran’s + ACR’s fault!!!1 Also and more importantly we have literally 0 other viable options and college is almost done so it’s time for Jojo to put Lemonade on repeat and get over it.

Let’s bring out the big guns!

-Mom! it’s so good to hear your insufferably domineering voice. Did you get my latest murder pics?

-Ha! Yes they are great, thank you mom. Soon I’ll add the french courtesan to my album. Now tell me, in as much detail as possible, how proud of me you are!

-I don’t know how Wyatt is doing, he’s the french courtesan, I’m going to kill him! Are you even listening to me?

-What do you mean it’s probably my fault? Can you divorce dad already, his influence on your brain has been catastrophic.

-Love is a battlefield? Mom seriously. Divorce. Now.

-Ugh yes, I could imprison him in a gigantic safe for a few days instead of killing him, but what on earth would that achieve?

-Well I don’t care about having a husband! Worst case scenario, I’ll just marry Max!

-Yes, Max does look like dad. Yes, he is as dumb as him. YES, MOM, I KNOW. HONESTLY YOU’RE ONE TO TALK

-Well, I have to go now, but you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. And by that I mean which care home to put you in cause you’ve obviously lost it. Goodbye, mother.

As soon as Jojo hangs up the phone Melody runs over to autonomously lecture him. Nice move, Mel, let’s peer pressure him till he caves!

-Jojo this is an intervention but please don’t mistake it as me actually caring about you. Your bullshit harem drama has taken over the entire greek house storyline and enough is enough, we demand equal airtime. Just forgive Wyatt already, he’s too hot for you and you were literally dating 2 other dudes at the same time and you also treated him like shit and you are the worst and Gunther is the best and he’s gonna beat you for heir. Melody out.

Yes, powerful stuff, thank you, Mel. Now Wyatt, let’s apologize!

-I’m so sorry I kissed Frances, Jojό, I don’t know what I was thinking </3

That’s a great start Wyatt, now let’s try it facing the right way!

-I’m so sorry I kissed Frances, Jojό, I don’t know what I was thinking </3 Also I’m totally planning our wedding in my head you right now.

Ok, smaller steps, let’s get him to not hate you first!

If there’s one thing I hate about ts2 it’s how ridiculously hard it is to be forgiven for cheating, shit is unreal. Wyatt has been apologizing for about 3 years now and Jojo is still furious jfc, it’s legit easier to get forgiven for cheating irl than it is in this game.

-For the thousandth time, I’m so so sorry Jojό, honestly in the dark of the nuit at first I thought Frances was you and then it was too late!

-Yes, it was also broad daylight.

-Well you know I have bad eyesight, mon cheri :(

Wyatt seriously, we’ve reached the point where you’re throwing junk out there, so let’s take a break..

..from this fucking house! It’s date time! Time for dinner and public woohoo in that vegan restaurant downtown, cause I’ve ignored Gunther so hard his aspiration is currently scarlet red. Mel is doing great though, like all knowledge sims in uni, she’s legit never not-platinum. The adorable couple make themselves right at home, by doing literally what they do at home 20h a day. NOT WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR GET UP

-Maybe if we act like children they’ll think we’re under 12 and we’ll get a discount!

-We’re so in sync, babe, I brought my monster trucks with me for this very eventuality!

-Here, let me blow you a kiss, babe. A prelude of tonight’s blowing.

-Honestly, every time you talk, I just see the eggplant emoji <3

I didn’t vomit from Wyatt/Frances but this date might actually do the trick!

-Do you think the waiter is mad that we insisted on lobster in a vegan restaurant and he had to go fishing for it?

-Whatever, babe, we deserve it.

-We really do. I ship us.

-I ship us too <3

Good because I don’t anymore.

Yaas, aspiration problems taken care of! Mel’s shy ass hilariously had a fear of having her photo taken, but public fornication she has no issue with.

-Having your photo taken is unnatural! I’m just using the photo booth as god intended.

Ofc, on the 6th day, god created the photobooth for people to publicly fuck in.

-Wow Mel, my reflection in your sunglasses is so beautiful.

-So is mine in yours, babe.

-I almost wish we could look into each other’s eyes but then it’d ruin our whole look. You know what, screw it..

-..I was gonna wait till we graduated it and were more mature and crap like that, but whatever, babe, when it’s right, you know. Will you marry me, Melody Tinker, despite the certainty that one or more of our kids will get the Komei nose?

-Oh my god, Gunther! I literally thought you’d never ask, because, let’s be real, you’re a gigantic slut.

-These days are gone, babe, I’m a changed man!

-This ring has been in my family for half a generation, ever since my mom stole it from Florence Delarosa who was obviously never gonna need it.

-Oh it’s beautiful and the fact it’s stolen makes it even more precious!

It’s morphin time! Let’s pretend the red around Gunther’s memory signifies passion and not a crippling fear of commitment. Congrats you gross, crazy kids!

It’s also morphine time, cause damn are we broke as shit. In hindsight perhaps we shouldn’t have gotten the lobster.

We return home, where I’m trying to fulfill Jojo’s longstanding wish to see Ti-Ning’s ghost but apparently Ti-Ning is an even bigger asshole dead than he was alive. Bitch seems to be deliberately refusing to scare Jojo, I mean we’ve been standing around playing ghostbusters for like 4 hours now and it’s just not happening-

-but some scary shit IS happening inside. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS.

-What!? We’re just talking about our mutual interest in entertainment.

Brit seriously, don’t make me kill you cause I’ll do it, I’m kinda on a roll here and completely exhausted from this fuckery.

-Gawd, fine, I’m gonna go to sleep.

GO TO A DIFFERENT BED. I’ve noticed a sudden and disturbing reappearance of slutty wants in Gunther’s panel immediately after the engagement, which I’m guessing is some kind of regression back to his usual pattern, like he’s rolling wants to woohoo 10 sims and makeout with another 20 and idek. It’s extremely pissing me off and it’s also extremely not happening.

I JUST SAID IT’S NOT HAPPENING. FUCKING STOP IT.

-We’re just friends!!! Paranoid much?

CAN YOU BLAME ME

Look here, THIS is the distance I wanna see between you two. It’s also NOT the distance I wanna see between Wyatt and Jojo, man this apology shit is taking fucking forever UGGGH

-Jojό, are you still mad at me?

-What do you think?

-No?

-Guess again.

-No?

-Ugh.

-Oh Jojό, I know you hate me but I’m gonna keep apologizing for the rest of ma vie, cause I really have nothing better to do. And also because je t’aime, Jojό. Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold cold cœur?

YES. FUCKING FINALLY. I HEAR HEARTS I HEAR HEARTS!!!!!

THEY’RE JUST NOT COMING FROM THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!11

KILL ME. I WILL PAY SOMEONE TO KILL ME. DON’T TELL ME WHEN YOU’RE COMING JUST SHOW UP AND DO IT. TAKE MY CAT ON THE WAY OUT AND FIND HIM A GOOD HOME. I’M DONE.

#ts2 #union legacy

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mikazukikannagisjourney · 5 years

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Spiritual Log November 16 2019

Subtitle: Physical release after meditations, healings, clearings, all that icky and gross stuff plus some tips (yeah this post comes with icky warnings, just a disclaimer)

Hi everyone, how are you all doing? I am still hoping that you're all doing great, even so-so, or maybe even meh and eh are acceptable. It has been a bit gruelling the past few weeks, I personally felt it, so many old crap kept popping up and I just had to do so much clearing and healing, and I had to haul the remaining stuff I left behind at my old place, mostly books that I plan to send to my friend and Soul Sister who owns a learning center (and probably reads this now via Twitter lolz), some of the books I plan to keep, assuming that they weren't yeeted yet lol, and my drawing table. It's hard not to have a decent table, I mean, I do my card readings either on the floor or on the bed. Not that I mind, but I actually need a decent table to do my adulting activities, and I needed a large space to draw, so yeah, partly why I failed the Inktober challenge by not doing anything is because I haven't set a drafting table up. Yeah I'm not a pro because I can't work without my tools, I can admit to that. Just thinking about that makes me tired and sad about my state,living in a mudflat. More gunk and mud keeps me down, and the heaviness just zaps my energies even more, apart from clearing a lot of my subconscious garbage which can get pretty emotionally taxing and exhausting physically.

Even the collective has been feeling super-tired and stuff, a lot have been complaining about feeling deadbeat and not being able to finish what they plan to do, unless it was something that had to be finished. Well, that's Mercury Retrograde (Rx) for you. Don't start shit, just finish what has been started or planned to get done. So don't push yourselves too hard, these are the times we need to pull back and check our progress, set reunions with our past selves, or our old friends, just don't start new stuff, that eats up a lot more energy because it's new, and more or less unknown. For now, just take that chance to rest, we're just getting the usual body and spiritual upgrades. Pains and aches can also occur, so if you can tap those out or remove those trapped energies, then all the better for you. And if you've been at it with your clearings and healings, then your comeback will be even stronger! Yay! Also... We're just a few days before Mercury goes direct, and then the magical days of 23-24 when Jupiter and Venus goes conjunct so we can manifest our BEST LIVES EVER!!! Also if you're into spellcasting yeah that's the golden date my friends, let's do this!!!

Ok, now for the heart of this post, which is mostly about the physical manifestations of releasing stuff from our bodies. If you've been in this blog long enough, you would probably know by now that my favorite form of release is crying the heck out of me. Yep. Like a child. A baby. I was really good at it when I was a kid, and I never got sick. I felt at peace whenever I finish crying out my emotional crap. The mental issues started when I was forced to grow up and repress all the crying. But lately after having to accept that crybaby part of me as a part of my true self, some of my chronic issues decreased. And I guess acceptance helped a lot. But of course, that's not the only form of physical release when dealing with trapped emotions, trauma, etc. You can search the web for more information on the matter, but I'll just mention stuff here that I experienced first hand, as well as any actions I did to release whatever it was.I mean, any Mercury Rx is a great time to heal these things because the process is faster, but these are great anytime, anywhere because we are all timeless beings living in a time-bound space.

Ok! Releasing emotions or trauma (repressed or not)

1. Crying -When you feel it welling up, just acknowledge that it is a part of you that no longer serves your best interest, and just cry it out. No questions asked, no judgement. Let it flow. Most-likely it has anger, sadness, bitterness, depression,feelings of unworthiness, feeling unsafe, betrayal, all the icky stuff that we just wanna forget, but they won't let us unless we remove the emotional charge.

How to deal: If you find that a memory resurfaces while crying, dwell in it, and MAX OUT YOUR EMOTIONS. Try getting the emotional levels to the highest intensity that you can, as you recall all, if not most of the nitty-gritty details of the event. It sucks, I know. But just max it out. Get as angry or as sad or bitter as you can, summon the demons out, let them roar, release them from their chains. After you've felt like you've released as much as you can, say thank you to those negative energies, they only wanted to keep you safe. Send them back to Source, God, the Central Sun, Mother Earth, whatever Higher Power you believe in, and ask them to be transmuted to their best selves. To calm yourself down, you can hug yourself, or have a thought anchor: You are safe, they can't harm you anymore. Let the love of the universe envelop your entire being. Just stay like this. Ideally this is to be done with a therapist, a healer, counselor, someone who can catch you as you fall. But if you can manage doing these on your own, well, hugs for you. Great job!

2. A bad case of diarrhea with unknown origins -This applies to most people, but more importantly if you're a person whose lower 3 chakras have been clearing lately, or you focused on clearing them. If you know your human design and you're a Generator, Pure or Manifesting, this can also be a clearing of our sacral center, so we can harness even more of our personal power.

How to deal: First of, don't take drugs, unless they're rehydration salts. Or if symptoms such as fever and vomiting appear, plus some blood in your poop or vomiting, see a medical professional. But if it's just loose bowels, then let the bowels move, they're just adjusting to your energetic upgrades. Also, try eating light foods, less oils and fats and simple sugars, drink more water, get some rest. Your body is dealing with physical manifestations of clearing, so just be patient. Symptoms usually clear up in 2 days, 3 at most. Any longer, see a doctor. As a person who gets easily affected by food poisoning, yeah even if I don't take drugs the bowels usually become normal after 2 days. The body is smart, it knows what it's doing.

3. Peeing a lot -Whenever you do sound healings, it is essential to stay hydrated not just to allow the sounds to reverb within your body (because water is a smooth and really good sound conductor compared to air), but also because dehydration can cause uncomfortable symptoms like dizziness and headaches whenever you listen to certain sounds. Plus staying hydrated can help calm you down, regulate body temperature properly, and balance cellular integrity in between healings (because the water helps clear our cellular debris, and dehydration prevents exchanges between cell membranes due to an imbalance in osmotic pressure. Seriously whoever thought science and spirituality can't mix just didn't learn cell biology a bit more lolol). However, this can also cause you to pee more.

How to deal: Unfortunately, peeing more IS the healing part, the more you do it, the more stuff you flush out. This can't be helped. But if your only issue is with rehydration aka water becomes too boring, just flavor your water with natural fruit or veggie juices.I personally mix sliced apples and cucumbers in my water jug, and drink them. Mint is also a great addition, as are sliced grapes. I squeeze lemon directly into warm water and drink it, while I just letthe peels sit in cool water for 30minutes. They get bitter if they stay more than 2 hours though. But honestly I don't mind drinking just water, just gotten used to it I guess. Simplifying life, I guess.

4. Tension within the body - this is definitely something that warrants professional help, because sometimes there are hard-to-reach places that even we can't touch.

How to deal: Honestly I just get a massage or a back rub, but I also shield myself and transmute so the massage therapist won't absorb my gunk. Even if I do an energetic exchange aka pay them.

Well, I hope this post serves you well. Please let me know what you think about it, or if it helped in any way. Thank you for stopping by. And may you find the healing you seek.

Love and hugs from Source above

I remain your friend and Soul Sibling

三日月

Mikazuki

#thought log on spirituality #healing and releasing the past #clearing the self #healing the self #releasing the past #past trauma release #physical releasing of trauma #physical releasing of trapped emotions #healing the past #healing past memories

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shawnjacksonsbs · 5 years

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The only difference between a good day and a bad day, is you. 2-3-19

“Ego is just like dust in the eyes. Without clearing the dust, we can’t see anything clearly, so clear the ego and see the world.” - Anonymous And life really is just a series of opportunities to get over yourself. It's my food for thought for this last week. Two different times this week my stress level was high enough to relieve my mind of rational thought, even for a brief moment in time. The first little snippet was toward the beginning of the week. It manifested as a highly intimate form of frustrated tension, which was handled in a manner suited for the situation. Lol The second and probably more important time was the other evening and lasted overnight. My mind is still kind of reeling as I try to articulate my thoughts to words. One of my sons is in trouble again. It happened, like I said, the other day. I don't know much except he's in Kansas and one of the charges is some type of assault on law enforcement. Granted, there is probably way more to the story. I'm not going to start bad mouthing cops, but most of you already know how I feel. They do shit all the time to bring on more, and/ or escalate things, ( if you've never been on either side, then you really don't have a valid argument, to me at least, inside here especially because I fucking have seen it happen too many times to count), but . . . Regardless of all that, rightness or exaggeratedness, it's on him. He put himself back in this kind of situation. I'm at an impasse now and tough love is about all I can afford anyone anyway. The other help I gave him, whether he was sincere about or not (which I believe he whole-heartedly was at the time), is mostly lost. I don't have any new money to help if I was willing to again. I will always feel some responsibility for how the lives of my adult children turned out, but I have come to realize that just because I share in the responsibility doesn't necessarily mean that I get to share in the solution. Mind you, it's not from lack of trying. This whole thing took a minute to accept. It's definitely a hard truth to swallow. Maybe, just maybe it really is something he's going to have to find on his own. As much pain as that answer causes me, my ego has to let go of the notion that "I am in the problem, so I need to be in the answer". In other words, my . . .guilt, I suppose could be hindering him. Could have been hindering his progression this whole time. I may never know, not really. All I know for sure is that his actions hold consequences the universe will see him through. I just hope my attempts weren't completely in vain. I hope, at the very least, I planted some seeds in that mind of his that will grow large enough to push out some of that nonsense. At the very least, he's safe, alive, and not using drugs while he's in there. Whatever is meant to happen next will happen, therefore, here I sit, helpless, but accepting of the situation as best I can. This still doesn't constitute a bad day for me. I am sure it is or was for him though. I still don't really ever have "bad" days, not really. I mean bad times for me are transitional now. What little bit of negativity occurs in my day to days, still doesn't make for a bad day. Believe me, I have seen bad days. I have lived through many of them and nothing I have been through in the last several years even comes close. Maybe its because my focus is more refined these days. Like, I see what I am supposed to see, finally and with that, it's easier to feel where I am. Darkness can't last forever unless you're dead. I imagine laying down for the night, in a pitch black room, silent and peaceful, then Bamm! The brightest, sharpest direct beam of sunlight to enter the Earth's atmosphere finds its way through a crack in your blinds right into your eyes. It hurts for a minute. It's more than a little uncomfortable. Now choose; Roll over grunting and groaning pulling the blanket over your head to find your way back into the darkness or rub your eyes to an open position, stretch it out, and rip open those blinds to a glorious sunfilled, beautiful world. The perspective ball is in your court. Be miserable if you want to. For me, I've seen both, felt both. I love the light now that I have taken it in. The darkness is still ok mind you, but only in intricate and delicate doses, and definitely not to take up permanent residence in. Moving forward. Now being at the head of this table sometimes means making tough decisions. Holding onto finances so as not to negatively affect other loved ones, etc. The line has to be drawn somewhere, sometime. I still have so much to do, not in like, an overwhelming way either. But enough to know that any more of it, and I'll put myself in a spot that won't be of any use to anyone, and that I may not be able to stay afloat. I didn't move all the way back here just to drown. Hell, I didn't move all the way back here just to tread water for that matter. I have set things in motion to have just enough comfort as I climb into position. I am at the cusp of that still being done. Too much one way or the other I could lose that too. This is me holding on, holding it down, and being persistent. Failing isn't even in my M.O. any more. Gratitude is still becoming, for me anyways. Because I know where I've been, and where I come from. Even my bad days aren't really bad days anymore, remember? I know people think I'm exaggerating, but (knock on wood**as I knock on wood** lol) I don't ever really have bad days anymore. I get that I still could, but it's been a while for real. My changed perspective helps keep my gratitudes in focus. My "bad" days are more like good days with some uncomfortable situation or situations in them. Most of my days aren't even that far gone though. My life is amazing still. I doubt that will change any time soon. I mean, have you even seen my grandkids?? lolol I have too many reasons to be grateful and too much to be thankful for. I mean, I get to be in this day. With the life I lived before, how could I not feel grateful every single day. I wish I could share more than the words. I think if I had one wish it would be to share some of what I feel in my heart with everyone in the world. I sincerely feel like too many of you just don't get it. Remember to share the love and the laughter with the world around you and please, please be kind to one another. Keep my family in your thoughts as we work through our issues. Until next week; "There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things." - Niccolo Machiavelli

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