i found a thing i wrote the day i realized i wasn't human, like it's cringe and definitely not how i would write now but i thought it was pretty cool that little me thought to write about that realization
dude younger me was so cringe and emo, i'd def push them into a locker if they started spewing this to me ngl 💀
To The Stray Dogs
They live, they feed, they die
What a simple life I one day wish to live
To have the rush of adrenaline that simply surviving gives
But until then I live chained down
Bound with money and greed
They run through alleys and forest alike, their home
They protect one another with their lives, their pack
They still know how to live by themselves and that is beauty
But humans are selfish, the believe that they need to be chained down
We stripped them of their instincts
Replacing them with meaningless tricks, to sit, to speak, to beg
We made them dogs
Hunters, runners, fighters, no matter the job they are still trapped
But not the strays
The strays don't wait for humans to tell them when to eat
The strays don't need to do a trick to be fed, they simply eat
The strays are the lucky ones
Forever wild at heart, the strays are truly lucky to not be bound
No chains, no collars, no money, no greed
Just plain living
But in the end I am simply a house mutt
Forced to sit to get food
Chained up at night
Told to fetch, and to drop it
So I wait by my chain for the night I feel the weight around my neck disappears
The night I can join my stray comrades in the alleys and the forest
The night I can eat without having to sit
The night I am free
The night I become a stray dog too
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Sat in a cathedral for an hour yesterday. Wasn't fun but the building was beautiful. Anyway here's one of my longest poems:
(Forewarning: uhhh... it's set in a Cathedral? So religion and religious guilt the whole way through)
ENTRYWAY TO HEAVEN:
The sign on the door
Claims it is the
“Entryway to heaven”.
So I enter, a non-believer
(It is how I will leave)
Fuelled by respect to the dedication
Of generations who walked these halls-
This building is their Heaven,
So I sit as they sing
And know I am excluded from them
In my disbelief.
They pass me a candle
My hands are warm.
(It bends under my fingers.
My grip is too tight.
It snaps, just a little.
They do not see.)
When we sing,
Their great building-
Their “Heaven”-
Echoes with the voices of hundreds
Yet still it feels empty to me.
So many can sing here
But nothing will fill this great space,
For the glory of the building
Far outshines their Lord in my eyes.
They preach,
Their words are shining and meaningless,
Full of dedication and fervour I cannot share-
I grip my candle a little more.
A man comes along with a lighter-
His robes denote this Heaven as his home,
And the little fire starter looks strange
In his “holy hands”.
My grandfather lights my candle,
And we sit together,
A little bubble of cynicism and heresy.
Now all is aglow in little flames,
Each person holds their own light
And together we sing songs
Which feel wrong to me-
I do not share the care of the choir boy,
The dedication of priest,
The belief of the bishop-
And in this “Heaven”
I feel it is seen.
I stand in “The Home of the Lord”,
Clutching my broken candle,
And I pretend.
Sing like I believe, just a little while,
Just for now,
Whilst this little flame burns in my hands.
Sing like I cannot feel the eyes,
Sing like I have not long turned my back,
Sing like here is my Heaven too.
The candle melts away slowly-
So too does my patience,
Ticking away slowly in this meaningless place,
And I stare as it burns
The words of the speakers meaning nothing
In the face of this precious light,
Little fire blown by a breeze I cannot see,
Reaching towards me,
Flickering gently,
Enthralling.
Peace is found in this Heaven,
Shelter and relief from the deceit
Of my facade.
Burning blue becomes bright orange,
Static but moving.
In this Heaven,
This work of art,
This building that houses history,
I care for nothing more than this candle.
But we are singing again,
And more do I praise a child born
Far too long ago for me to understand
The dedication of the people around me-
Something in me
Aches for their strength of belief,
Their faith,
Which seems to shield them from so much,
But it is not mine to have,
And so I leave it to others
With fires in their hearts
Stronger than mine-
My incomprehension distracts
From the fact
That the candle has gone out.
I sit with burnt wick and melted wax
In a Heaven that is not mine
And I tremble,
Isolated in a crowd
Singing for a man who may have once walked
In some other great Heaven-
But not this one,
Where I sing his name and praises
With sorrow of someone who cannot believe
Not now.
And so I sing and I shake and I ache
And I sit alone in this crowd,
With burnt wick and broken, melted candle,
Aware of how empty this Heaven seems
For all that it is full.
And they are still talking,
Preaching, praying,
Teaching their lessons and telling their tales,
Like their words can hold value
(And they do but not to me,
Never to me,
No longer)
Like their words mean something here.
But the candle has gone out
And they are talking no longer-
An instrument plays alone
In this full and empty Heaven
(A Heaven that is not mine,
Can never be mine)
And I weep here.
The instrument plays-
slightly off,
Out of tune-
Or perhaps it sounds wrong
Because it is not played for me-
It is played for the people who belong
And this is not my Heaven,
And even the music tells me this,
The tunes mock me,
As I sit alone and fight away the tears-
That for which I weep
Deserves better locations for my grief
Than this Heaven where all I do is lie.
And we are singing again,
And the music sounds right again
For this is not my Heaven
But this music was once home,
But I am still grieving
For all that is and never was and can never be
For that which will never see this Heaven
And never wants nor needs to,
But I am far from here now,
And every lyric is meaningless
As desperation clings to me-
The injustice of it all,
Fuelled by this empty, empty, empty Heaven
Where the singing holds the power of so many
Yet means less than the voices of the few
Who hold my heart in tender grips now.
I am not holding my broken candle
And they are talking again-
They are so grateful to be here,
To share their love in this great Heaven
Where others have done the same
For generations-
Outlier as I am,
I sit and the sorrow of these stranger’s injustices,
Their burdens and fears
Adds to my own.
The sign on the door said
It is the “entryway to Heaven”
And I have never wished more it was that easy
But we sing our final song
Voices echoing with the hollowness
Of people who don’t really mean it-
But I know it is just me,
Choking on tears for matters distant from here.
And the organ plays as my heart twists
And we file out
And I leave,
A non-believer,
Exiting the Heaven that will never be mine.
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