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permanentswaps · 2 months

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Breaking Eric’s Trust Pt. 2

Read Part 1, written by vice versa swaps, here.

Will:

After the swap, we walked back through the parking lot and Bryce drove me back to my new home. My new body was much leaner than I was used to, making me feel a bit disoriented as I walked through the door. But I couldn't deny the appeal of Bryce’s youthful a physique – even if it was very different from the heavy muscles I'd worked for decades to build on my own body.

Entering Bryce’s room, I took in the surroundings and decided to try my hand at some sketches.

"Let’s see if this really improves my art skills," I thought to myself.

I quickly found myself engrossed in the creative process, a feeling I'd been craving to get back to. As the sketches took shape, I couldn't help but admire the dexterity of my new hands.

Distracted, I gently traced my fingertips along the veins of my opposite hand. Slowly I traced up my forearm and to my bicep, which I flexed. I then moved my hand over to my muscular chest and grazing my new sensitive nipples. I raised my arm to flex in the mirror and thought to myself “This body may not be as strong as mine, but it’s hot as fuck. Why would Bryce ever want to give this up.”

Hot and bothered, I retreated to the bathroom where I stepped into the hot shower. Felling the hot water falling across my back, I lowered my right hand to my cock while feeling my muscles with my left.

“I’m so fucking sexy. I’m so fucking sexy.” I growled to myself, before eventually cumming across the shower wall. As I came down from climax, I shook off the thought, reminding myself I’m only borrowing this body.

Just as I finished up in the bathroom, my phone rang – it was Eric, asking to hang out. When Eric arrived, I greeted him with a smile, trying to act casual.

"Hey, Eric! What's up, man?" I, now in Bryce's body, said, attempting to sound as natural as possible.

"Not much, man! Just figured I'd swing by and see what you're up to," Eric replied.

I chuckled, "Oh, not much. Wanna play some Call of Duty?"

The two of us settled into the gaming setup, controllers in hand. As we played, I couldn't help but marvel at the experience of hanging out with my son from a different perspective.

In the midst of the gaming session, I saw this as my opportunity to ask about things I wouldn’t normally know about.

"How are you feeling about going away to school?" I asked, trying to keep the question casual.

"A bit nervous, but I’m mostly excited and ready to get out of the house – date some hot girls. I am worried about my dad though; it's gonna be tough for him to be alone like this, I think," Eric replied.

I felt a twinge of sadness at Eric's response but turned my focus back to the game.

Changing the topic, Eric asked, "How about you, how are you feeling about the gap year?"

I hesitated for a moment, then replied, "I'm not sure if it was the right choice, to be honest."

"Well, at least in a year, you'll still be off to college. Then, we’ll be able to hang all the time and you'll have your pick of all the guys there," Eric said with a playful grin.

I smirked to myself, "Yeah, that'll be great," before indulging in a brief fantasy about what it would be like to live Bryce’s life in college instead of just here at home.

Bryce

A week had passed since we visited the lab, and Mr. Sullivan and I had gotten surprisingly good at mimicking each other's mannerisms and habits. As we were packing up the car to move Eric up to campus, he casually asked, “Would it be alright if Bryce came with us to drop me off?”

“I think that’s a great idea,” I responded, happy to not let Mr. Sullivan miss out on this big moment.

The three of us drove up to campus together, joking and listening to music the whole way. We grabbed a quick bite to eat before walking around the campus and bidding an emotional farewell. Mr. Sullivan, in my body, teared up a bit, to which Eric laughed and said, "Don't worry, dude. I'll FaceTime you all the time," before playfully punching his shoulder.

As we climbed back into the car to drive home, I realized this was the first time Mr. Sullivan and I had been alone together since the swap.

"How are you doing?" I asked, glancing at him.

"Alright, I guess. I'm just really going to miss him," Mr. Sullivan responded, a hint of melancholy in his voice. "The other night we were hanging out, and he told me he was worried about me, or you now, I guess. He thought I’d be lonely without him, and damn, I think he’s right."

"Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that. But at least you know he cares," I said, attempting to offer some consolation.

"Yeah, I guess," he sighed.

"And hey, you've still got me," I added playfully, reaching over to place my thick, callused hand on his thigh. I gripped the steering wheel with the other hand, feeling the warmth radiating from him. It was clear he was blushing, and I couldn't help but smirk.

We pull into the driveway and stumble into the house. I pinned him up against the wall in multiple spots, and we shredded our clothes as we went. I was enjoying the virility of this body – I was strong before, but never like this.

Tossing my former body onto the bed, I asked, “What do you want me to do to you.”

Looking up and biting his lip submissively, Mr. Sullivan asked, “You know the other day at the lab when I said, ‘you can do whatever you want with my body when you’re in it.’” I nodded. “I really meant anything,” he said.

After loosening him up with my fingers, I rolled on a condom and began to slide myself into my former body’s tight hole. It had been a while since I had taken anything this big, and I could feel the tightness around my new cock. Yet, something wasn’t cutting it.

After a few minutes of fucking, I growled “Daddy wants to feel all of you, I hope you like it raw,” growled before taking off the condom and sliding back in. The ecstasy was almost too much to handle and we climaxed together shortly thereafter.

The next morning, I woke up in bed, feeling the warmth of sunlight filtering through the blinds. Stretching and yawning, I rubbed my face, the rough texture of a beard grazing my palms. Glancing to the other side of the bed, I saw Mr. Sullivan in my body still peacefully asleep.

As great as last night was, a slight twinge of remorse tugged at my emotions. The idea of betraying Eric's trust weighed heavily on my conscience.

Deciding to focus on the present, I smiled softly before leaning over and gently kissing Mr. Sullivan on the cheek just like he had done at the swap labs before we had exchanged bodies. As Mr. Sullivan stirred awake, I greeted Mr. Sullivan with a warm smile.

"Good morning," I said, still getting used to a deeper voice. "Sleep well?"

Mr. Sullivan rubbed his eyes and sat up. "Yeah, surprisingly well. This body of yours is quite comfortable."

I chuckled, "Glad to hear it,” before diving back in to start round two.

A few months later

Over the course of the fall, Bryce (we’d begun to refer to each other using our former names) and I navigated the complexities of each other's. I was pretty successful in fighting my lonely streak, having met a lot of new friends at the gym and through my new local softball league.

Meanwhile Bryce was also working out like crazy and had flourished in his artistic pursuits, getting admitted to an art fellowship program that he could do for the rest of his gap year.

Hidden from prying eyes, our secret relationship also continued to thrive. Even though we didn’t tell Eric, he still clocked the positive change. A few weeks ago, during a Facetime call after a particularly enjoyable afternoon session with Bryce, he teased, "Wow, Dad, you're looking great. Honestly glowing... what … or who … have you been getting up to?" I laughed it off in the moment, but as time dragged on the weight of lying to Eric grew heavier on my conscience.

Finally, it was now the day before Thanksgiving break, meaning that Eric will be home tomorrow for the first time since we dropped him off. While Bryce had been up to visit him a couple of times, I still hadn’t seen him in person for months.

I invited Bryce over to the house, ready to figure out what to do. We laid together on the bed. I sat leaning against the headboard and some pillows and his head rested gently on my bare chest.

"I gotta level with you, Bryce. I'm feeling really guilty,” I said, using my thick fingers to stroke Bryce’s torso through his halfway unbuttoned shirt. “I'm not sure I can keep up this lie to Eric much longer," I confessed.

Will, his expression thoughtful, suggested, "Well what if we just came clean to him now?"

"No, if we did that, I don't think he'd ever trust either of us ever again," I replied.

"We could swap back now," he proposed tentatively, a look of disappointment flickering across his face.

Pulling his lean body in closer to mine, I smirked. Nibbling on ear I said in a raspy whisper, "You wear that ass way better than I ever did, no way in hell am I going to make you give it up."

He looked at me, blushing, and I continued, "No, as much as it kills me, I think we need to end our relationship."

Will nodded, another look of disappointment flashing across his face before he replied, “Alright Will, if that’s what you really think is best.”

“But before we do, I need to feel my tight ass one last time,” I growled.

I got up and moved to his side before finishing unbuttoning his shirt. Then, gently running my hands from his torso around to his lower back, I motioned to take of his pants and briefs.

As I ate out his ass, I could feel my beard scratching against his smooth cheeks. Once he was loose, I got on my knees, raised his legs over my shoulders, and slid my raw cock into his tight hole.

After what feels like hours of fucking in every position imaginable, he’s finally riding on top.

Throwing his head back in ecstasy at me he moans to himself, “Oh fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. This body is so fucking hot.” Feeling himself up, he continues, “This is all mine. I deserve this. I am such a fucking hot hunk.”

I look up at him, a twinge of nostalgic regret washes over me. But as quickly as that feeling arrives, Bryce looks down at me and says, “Oh yeah, and it’s all thanks to you Will.” A naughty smirk crossing his face he continues, “Tell me how much you want me.”

Picking up the pace of my upward strokes I grunt, “Fuck yeah Bryce, you’re so fucking hot.”

“Fuck right I am, say my name again” he yells back.

“Unghhh Bryyyyceeeee,” I moan. “Take that dick, Bryce,” I grunt, grabbing his cock.

He leans over moaning, “Oh fuck yeah Daddy, I’m cumming” before kissing me and gently stroking my sensitive nipples.

That is enough to send me over the edge, coating his insides with my seed as we cum simultaneously.

Basking in the afterglow, I feel my meat still throbbing deep inside him. “Well even if we can’t be together, I still hope we can do that every once in a while,” he said, continuing to feel up my sweaty, muscular torso.

Biting my lip, I reply, “I don’t see why not.”

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directdogman · 3 months

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Hello Hound!! Since it's Dialtown's 2nd anniversary, I've been planning up a few "general" related questions about your series that I've been meaning to ask, but I decided to save them up for the big day because why not? Anyways, here's what I've got, these were meant to be fun to answer so don't sweat it :]

1: How do you feel about Dialtown's success? Are you proud of how far you've come?

2: Which character was the MOST fun for you to write, and which was the most PAINFUL?

3: What is something you wish more people would talk about or just know about related to Dialtown in general?

4: If you had the opportunity to write a FULL complete, detailed life story of any of your characters, who would that be?

5: What's a character you wish you could have given more screen-time or just in general content? (Considering iirc you were trying to make sure Dialtown wasn't TOO long, so I was wondering if this ever came to mind)

6: From what I know, you've been doing the job of cosplaying several characters in the game and acting out their sprites, which one was the most fun to act out?

7: Speaking of sprites, do you have a sprite you could consider your favorite, out of ALL your characters?

8: Do you have a specific line of dialogue you could consider your favorite throughout the entire game?

9: Could you ever see Dialtown expanding into perhaps sequels or maybe even prequels? More DLCs mayhaps? Heck, maybe even a Dialtown 2 or a Chapter 4??

10: If you could make any fan-made interpretation (such as headcanons, designs, or ships) canon if given the opportunity, what do you think would be your pick?

11: What was the MOST fun part about developing Dialtown? Coming up with new characters? Writing them? Adding all the bizarre dialogue options?

12: And last but not least — on a scale of 1-10, how fun was developing Dialtown just in general?

That's all I have for now, and I'm really excited to see your answers!!

I normally don't answer this many questions, but... alright, sure, tis the season!

1: How do you feel about Dialtown's success? Are you proud of how far you've come?

Yeah, of course! I'm a lil proud, admittedly, but I'm aware of how comically little I really have to do with it all, even if I did make the game. Luck does play a LOT into it, of course. Granted, I made my share of predictions that wound up being useful, but it always comes down to lady luck at the end of the day. I've seen good projects fail and bad ones go viral. It's really all just a hodgepodge of probability and whimsy. That being said, I am very pleased with DT's success, and the community that's formed around the game! It caught me by surprise!

2: Which character was the MOST fun for you to write, and which was the most PAINFUL?

Gingi's always fun to write. And Mingus. Most painful is tough to say. Maybe Crown. I got a little weird when I wrote his full backstory, kinda caught up in the emotion Norm talks about. Never been a fan of stories getting cut short. You gotta wonder what would've happened if he'd made different choices, y'know?

3: What is something you wish more people would talk about or just know about related to Dialtown in general?

Honestly? Karen, probably. She's super underrated for sure. The fandom still loves her, but she doesn't get the same kind of attention as Oliver, Gingi, Randy, Norm. She's worth it.

4: If you had the opportunity to write a FULL complete, detailed life story of any of your characters, who would that be?

Oh, I already have. I have this monstruous 30-40 page document detailing Crown's life and entire career. It's quite a read. and quite a mind-fuck if you don't know Dialtown's universe too well.

Oh yeah, a few characters had scenes that were cut. Stabby, Shooty, Mingus, Bunny, even Bigfoot! There's also the game's cut 6th datable, who was an interesting character with ties to other characters in the cast who I wanted to do more with. Ah, maybe one day.

6: From what I know, you've been doing the job of cosplaying several characters in the game and acting out their sprites, which one was the most fun to act out?

Bigfoot. I made the ape noises in the suit. Had to. It felt right.

7: Speaking of sprites, do you have a sprite you could consider your favorite, out of ALL your characters?

I quite like Norm's set, Mingus' too. Karen's poses too are quite good.

8: Do you have a specific line of dialogue you could consider your favorite throughout the entire game?

That answer probably changes every day. I like pretty much any scene where Mingus loses her temper.

9: Could you ever see Dialtown expanding into perhaps sequels or maybe even prequels? More DLCs mayhaps? Heck, maybe even a Dialtown 2 or a Chapter 4??

I'd love to make sequels one day! I've got a lot of ideas for where the characters/story would end up. By the time DT1 wrapped up, I'd conceptualized way too much stuff to put in one game (without it taking another few years to finish), so if I ever wanted to make sequels, I'd 100% know where to start! But, that's a later down the road conversation.

For now, I'm gonna keep working on the Roger DLC and if there's demand for more, I can go from there :)

10: If you could make any fan-made interpretation (such as headcanons, designs, or ships) canon if given the opportunity, what do you think would be your pick?

I guess I COULD do that with, like, anything. Nothing immediately springs to mind, since, y'know, I'm in control of the canon anyway. I will say, I've seen headcanons and theories that ARE scarily accurate to canon, to the point where I've feared people would just think I'm lifting stuff from the fanbase! It's a good thing I talk about these things with collaborators, huh? I've got a PAPER-TRAIL!!!

11: What was the MOST fun part about developing Dialtown? Coming up with new characters? Writing them? Adding all the bizarre dialogue options?

Finishing a new scene and realizing how stupidly long it was (without me realizing it) was always a treat. But yeah, writing the characters had to be it. Specifically any scene where a character the audience knows meets someone the audience doesn't know well (or at all), with the dynamic changing. Those are fun to write.

12: And last but not least — on a scale of 1-10, how fun was developing Dialtown just in general?

Hard question to answer. I do really wanna give a high number, but truthfully, a lot of game dev actually isn't super 'fun'. Some tasks are, granted, but many parts are a slog. Sitting and formatting dialogue, and then adding text pauses and pose changes isn't exactly a super thrilling activity. The engine itself also has some issues which I have to work around that adds to the workplace. Play-testing a scene for the 4th time isn't super fun either, or trying to figure out why the game crashes on some PCs and ONLY very rarely... Those tasks are Sisyphean to some degree.

...But, while most of those parts aren't fun, it's all still rewarding. There's a sense of accomplishment when you finish a scene. You get to look back at your hard work, remember the hours you spent typing dialogue into a text box and formatting mass amounts of pngs, painstakingly + manually getting the game's awful pre-loader to deal with the sprites right, etc... and suddenly, at the end, you've got this lil experience that people can play and enjoy. Somehow, the sum of all of those not so fun activities has created something that's going to make people laugh, feel happy. That's special. and even if some parts of development weren't super fun on their own, that's always what I remember. That in the end, all of those not so fun days mattered.

The route I agonized the most over was Oliver's. I went through a few weeks of writer's block, and now, it's one of the most popular routes in the game! Crazy how that happens. I was SURE for about a week that people would rank the route at the bottom! That's what I mean, all of the stress I went through trying to figure it out amounted to something people connected with! To think I almost CUT the route entirely!!!

And y'know, God knows Dialtown gave me something to throw myself at during a time where I REALLY needed the outlet. I'm very grateful to the project for that. So, I'll give DT an honorary 8 out of 10, even if it wasn't a consistently 8/10 experience making it heh heh! Sure glad I did, though and I'm very glad if any of you reading this had a really good time playing it! :)

Thanks for the questions!

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astrologylunadream · 4 months

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Is this a healthy connection? 🤔⚠️✂️ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

Hi it's Lunadream🖤 This will be a more honest reading, so keep in mind the messages will be straightforward regarding your person and there might be some harsh/sensitive subjects mentioned within these piles. We will see if they are healthy for you or not, remember that you come first always.🤗 hope you find your message⭐️

Notice: Only take what resonates because the most important thing is your own judgement!♡ If anything doesn't resonate, don't worry! It's not your message right now <3 (Entertainment purpose only. All rights reserved)

Now, shall we begin~? ^w^ Think of the your person, and pick whichever pile that fits the energy you're feeling~🖤

Pile 1🔗

Pile 2🎞

Pile 3🫙

Pile 4🔦

Take your time and choose carefully with the heart~♡

On to the readings —> ✂️

Pile 1🔗

Sign energy: Despair, Pluto, Innovation, Want, Closure, 12th house, Mars, Moon, Taurus, Leo,🪝🧨🎡👈

👤Your person's energy: This is someone in a tight situation right now, like things are crazy in this connection omg. A lot of negative thoughts and feelings especially about themselves, they want to change I'm hearing. Your person may not be happy with themselves right now, feeling out of place or not good enough.😞 Prominent signs are Pisces, Aries, Scorpio, Cancer, Taurus and Leo a lot of signs in there. They want closure so maybe something happened between you guys, it could have been the truth or someone said something. For some of you this person's mother figure could be involved, or they have a tense relationship with their mother or family. Maybe their family had a problem with you.🫢💥 They have chaotic emotions and find it hard to show how they are feeling. Some of you may feel obsessed with this person I'm hearing like you're hooked on them or they are hooked on you. I feel like your person is just like going in circles, they may make the same mistakes again and again. Yeah this person really isn't happy with themselves or this connection I'm hearing it's them not you.🥺🌧 Of course your person is really attractive mostly a higher level, their aura is magnetic and deep. They are intuitive and come up with many new ideas in their head. There is a lot of confusion surrounding your person, secrets and things gone unsaid. There is so much you guys don't know about eachother and what is going on.🤯🔍👤

🤔Are they healthy for you: Universe, Kabedon, Avoidance, Food, Sadness, Leo, 8th house, North node, 4th house, Lilith,🎎📱🏎🍫 Wow okay this is a lot to take in. So your person is definitely causing some pain for the both of you, things are just so deep and intense right now. You have such an intimate connection and it's a little stressful actually very stressful. There is just such a tense energy to you guys.😬😮‍💨 I feel like... the situation they have you in is just not the best for you I'm sorry. The universe is honestly saying you may not have a future with this person, like you should avoid them. They could be kind of pushing you to a corner in some way, like they are causing you to be stuck in a situation you shouldn't be.🫸This could be a cycle like hole you've been shoved in. For some of you this person is a narcissist or have those traits, they may not realize what they're putting you through or put you through.😔 You may feel comfortable or familiar with this person but a lot of times comfort isn't the healthiest in the end change is what you need especially in this situation. You have control over yourself or just walking away if you feel the need to, of course take what resonates but I feel like you shouldn't contact this person anymore.📵❌️ Leave them on read I'm hearing, the choice is yours to decide. There is symbolism here like you know when you have that chocolate and you may want to take a bite but you know it's bad for your health, you may feel it's much easier to have the candy when you're having a tough time but it is only gonna be bad for your health. This person is like the bar of chocolate. There is a vicious cycle from this person, I feel like it's something they can't really control. I'm getting that they really want to change and feel terrible about everything, it's causing them sadness and they would want you to be set free.😓❤️‍🩹

📞Messages from your person: I went too far, Right now, I want to keep this private, I hate when they act like they own you, I want to steal your kiss. (They may feel guilty about their feelings for you as it may not be the best for you.💔) Extra cards: Tight, Obsession, Blush, Innocence, Consume (This person is really into my pile 1's even to an unhealthy extent, but I feel like they hate themselves for it. Like they really want to hold on to you but they know deep down they should let go.😢😰)

Thank you my pile 1's. If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message.🖤

I hope you this reading provided clarity on your situation ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If it did be sure to let me know pile 1 with the chain emoji~🔗 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! Take care of yourself and see you in the next reading🫂

Pile 2🎞

Sign energy: Mutable, Mind, Skill, Suspicion, Fine, 6th house, Eros, 9th house, Virgo, Jupiter,🐙🎧🪄🦀

👤Your person's energy: This is a very bright and well rounded person. They have a really attractive mind lol the way their mind works may turn you on.😳❤️‍🔥 They're good at many things, may multitask well. (Especially with the octopus symbolism) I just heard magic worker, like they may be unbelievably good at a lot of things. Signs in their chart may be Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces but a lot of Sag/Virgo energy in here. Mutable signs may be significant so think Virgo, Gemini, Sagittarius, Pisces. They have a lot of hobbies, try out new things often.🚀⭐️ You may have certain suspicions about them, like jumping to conclusions and stuff. There is a lot you wonder about them, but they don't mind if you're suspicious of them for whatever reason. It doesn't bother them I'm getting. They just sort of shrug their shoulders, because to them they feel like they have nothing to hide.🤔🤚 This person is pretty talented and into a lot of different things. You may learn a lot from them, probably a good teacher too. A lot goes on in their mind, so many random thoughts lol.😂🧠💡 You may feel really attracted to the way they speak, listening to them carry a conversation. They do it well too, your person is really good at handling anything that's thrown at them. Improvising is one of their specialties. They can work with anything I'm hearing, maybe they have had many different jobs? Take what resonates, they seem like the type to job hop lol. Because they like testing themselves with new things.😎💫

🤔Are they healthy for you: Capricorn, Guidance, Innovation, Work, Unafraid, Scorpio, 10th house, 11th house, 12th house, 3rd house,🩲🧐💜⛪️ Okay so your person provides a lot for you guys, like this is a very beneficial connection for my pile 2's. They help you through your fears and setbacks, you may easily discuss your career plans with them. Maybe some of you share religion with eachother.🤝 I am definitely picking up on this being a healthy and successful relationship, there is a lot to learn from this person. They communicate new ideas and ambitions with you, dreams and desires that seem out of reach will seem much more achievable with the help of this person.✨️💡 I just love the nature of this connection, it's so helpful and reliable. They will help you through tough times and things that may scare you. You will feel successful with this person. If this is a friendship it is definitely a healthy one, a wonderful companionship. You two would also make great business partners take what resonates.💼 For those that this is a romantic connection they definitely teach you a lot, intimacy may bring you a new perspective and will be very successful. I feel like you guys just work together. (maybe some of you are actual coworkers with this person haha😂) There is just so much provided with this person, a bright and uplifting relationship. They will help keep you focused on what you really want and get it. You will no longer be afraid of failure with this person, and they will help you accept it and move on to greater things.😊🏆

📞Messages from your person: Ever heard, There's people who want to hurt you, I want to be your ex, You let me, You're too pretty to be sad. (They won't have you feeling down at any point, they wanna help you pick yourself up and keep going!🌟) Extra cards: Sensitivity, Routine, Bite, Disturbance, Swim (Some spicy messages too so interpret that any way you'd like😏❤️‍🔥)

Thank you my pile 2's. If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message.🖤

I hope you this reading provided clarity on your situation ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If it did be sure to let me know pile 2 with the film emoji~🎞 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! Take care of yourself and see you in the next reading🫂

Pile 3🫙

Sign energy: Soul, Lilith, Mouth, Lose, Treasure, Earth, 5th house, Neptune, South node, Pluto,🔍🕹🏚🆕️

👤Your person's energy: This person has an attractive demeanor, I sense a lot of people are curious about them. They like to play around and have fun, indulging in some bad behavior even.🙊❗️ Prominent signs are Leo, Pisces, and Scorpio. Earth energy is present. Some of you may have a past with this person, you lost them or they lost you. Someone feels like they let go of a prize, I'm feeling regret from that person. Your person is mysterious and alluring, they have a dark soul.😈🖤 They tend to want a lot of power in relationships, they may date around or that's something they wish to do. They like finding new things to entertain themselves, taboo hobbies are possible. Indulging in spirituality or shadow work even. Your person has a magnetic presence about them, and so many charms😫❤️‍🔥 Their mouth may be a prominent feature that draws attention, you probably fantasize about it too🙈 I'm getting siren vibes from your person, they just draw you in mysteriously. Captivating looks and aura. They can be very playful and fun, they seek pleasure at all times. Definitely don't like being bored, they hate it.😂 But your person is actually really observant, they look into things. Very mindful and curious. I feel like they enjoy placing bets, maybe you lost to them at something? That could be something that happens between you two.

🤔Are they healthy for you: Valentine, Lose, Comfort zone, Care, Self reflection, Neptune, Venus, Taurus, Eros, 6th house,👿🫗🗯💔 So you may see this person through rose colored lenses instead of the full picture. You look over the realistic version of them and only see them as the old them or the version you're used to.😟🪞 I feel like this person teaches you self love in some way, maybe you had to go through a lot to finally love yourself. You are more vulnerable in the relationship, as your person has the upper hand. They may hold things over you like you owe them or guilt tripping you.🙏🥺 Yes you may feel really attracted to this person but you need to ask yourself if they are a good person or not. Think about the way they treat you or others. They may not be out for your best interest, ulterior motives may also be present.🤨 The advice is for you to let go of what you're comfortable with and shift your perspective, you may feel used to thinking they are the one and that you love them. But maybe you are making yourself believe what was only true in the past.⏳️ Everyone changes and so does this connection, your person may want to do things you aren't comfortable with and if so say no!❌️ You come first, don't let anyone push you to do things that aren't good for you. The advice is for you to focus on your well-being and self care, don't let others manipulate you with love or anything else to get their way. If you set clear boundaries you can make your relationships healthy and safe. Don't be blinded by others words that could be lies.✋️✂️ That may not be this person but other people in your life, take what resonates.

📞Messages from your person: This is all my fault, There's distance between us, Close your eyes, I know you, Keep going. (Your person wants you to stay strong, and find worth and respect in yourself because you don't deserve to be treated unkindly💓) Extra cards: Meant to be, Aura, Consume, Warm, Play

Thank you my pile 3's. If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message.🖤

I hope you this reading provided clarity on your situation ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If it did be sure to let me know pile 3 with the empty jar emoji~🫙 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! Take care of yourself and see you in the next reading🫂

Pile 4🔦

Sign energy: Play, Defensive, Pluto, 7th house, Community, 8th house, 5th house, Mercury, Air, 6th house,🍓🗞🍑👆

👤Your person's energy: Lol so the first thing that came up is that your person is more plump, they may get a lot of attention to their behind😂 Main energies are Scorpio, Libra, Virgo, Gemini, and Leo. People talk and think about this person a lot, they may have a crucial role in their circle of people. They contribute a lot I'm hearing, so much news I'm hearing "talk of the town". For some of you this person made the news take what resonates. I feel like this person is good at acting maybe it's their calling.🎭✨️ They may have a sweet smell to them, and often wear a nice perfume/cologne. People may talk behind their backs a lot, so they have their guard up. Your person may be more closed off or defensive, they don't want to openly trust those who could be out to get them. They may have a nice behind or that's something attractive about them😂😂 If they're working I feel like their coworkers are on the toxic side tbh. They are all up in everyone's gossip, some people talking really good about them and others talking trash😱 But I feel like they've been really sweet to some of you guys, take what resonates. They're a very attractive person overall people may secretly be kinda obsessed with them🫢 A lot of people are actually romantically interested in this person but like I feel like they hide it. Your person is good at coming up with solutions and ideas, very helpful I'm hearing.

🤔Are they healthy for you: Cutie, Control freak, Shoes, Universe, Reckless, Neptune, 8th house, Earth, Moon, 12th house,👨‍🍳🩻🪫🫰 So your person is a little clingy in some way, maybe they tend to depend on you with things. I feel like pile 4 is smart though like you see through this person and their intentions, you may be seeing a power struggle between the two of you. There is a lot of daydreaming and avoidance of reality in this connection, omg for some of you this person has a problem with substance abuse only some!!😭 I'm seeing ways to detach themselves so any kind of coping for that, escapism may be an issue here in the relationship.💭 To you this person may feel very distant right now, like physical/emotional distance take what resonates for you, something feels out of touch. Like it feels like there's nothing you can do, you feel helpless in this connection.😞🔧Also this person drains a lot of your energy and emotions that is a message the universe wants you to be aware of. Now your person definitely has some unhealthy fantasies that they shouldn't act on, it feels like the relationship itself isn't necessarily unhealthy but rather the desires for it are unhealthy. Soo your person is a little bit of a freak😂 They may want to do a lot of bad things with you even hurtful to themselves or you. Just be careful that you or your person aren't going off the deep end with the intimate side of things.🔪👿😬 I can see that going to a dark place if they don't get control of their wild fantasies. Yeah so your person takes a lot from you mentally, emotionally even physically for some of you. This connection is a very draining one and it takes a lot from both of you. Maybe that is the unhealthy part is how consuming this connection can be for you two. I get the vibe you both are still young and reckless in some way, and if this relationship is a mature one and both parties are responsible it can definitely be a healthy one.🤗💌

📞Messages from your person: Don't be sad, I was wrong, You might get scared, Something is pulling us together, Tell me what's bothering you. (Yeah okay so you may be shocked with how much of a freak your person is lol maybe you've seen this side of them but like it is intense wtf🤯) Extra cards: Achievement, Read, Body, Music, Tea (I am getting a sense that this person does really care about you tho. There is a deep desire to be with you guys my pile 4's, I think they're willing to work on themselves and this connection for that♡)

Thank you my pile 4's. If you feel this resonated, you may tap the heart to claim this message.🖤

I hope you this reading provided clarity on your situation ʚ(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )ɞ If it did be sure to let me know pile 4 with the flashlight emoji~🔦 Thanks for scrolling through, Hugs hugs hugs!! Take care of yourself and see you in the next reading🫂

Wanna see more readings like this? Check out my tumblr for accurate readings for you!💗🌊🌸

Thanks for reading! \(*^w^)/💌 -Lunadream <3

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ss-skyearn · 1 year

Text

Walk With Me

❝In love with the idea of loving you.❞

PAIRING : Lee Minho x female!reader.

WORD COUNT : 4k.

GENRE : Smut, Fluff (wow no angst for once.)

WARNINGS/CONTENT : Past angst, established relationship, feelings and emotions, they're in love (to no one's surprise), Minho with long hair, mentioned Soobin.

SMUT WARNINGS : First time together, hair pulling (not the rough kind; minho realises he enjoys his roots being tugged at oops-, this bit inspired by this post by @tasteracha), voyeurism, public sex (late at night, so one witnesses it), unprotected intercourse, sweet lovemaking, so much love and feelings *sob*

A/N : Writting fluff is nowhere near what I'm good at, so feedback is really appreciated. Enjoy, lovelies. ♡

"Everyone can see."

It's a little too late for that now.

But it's not a complaint, not a protest, an objection. It's a simple statement, divulgence of facts, a declaration made by your brain that has long since lost the ability to conjure lucid postulations.

"Let them. Let them see," quickening of thrusts, desperation rearing its head in the most sinful of ways.

"Let me show them how much I love you."

"Meet me outside?"

The laughter of your girlfriends drowns out behind you as you weave your way out of the single room you've all gathered in, despite having been allotted seperate ones.

"Outside?"

"Yeah, outside," you don't need to be next to him to know that he's anxiously bouncing off the balls of his feet, rocking back and forth with his bottom lip caught between bunny teeth you flick your tongue across everytime you kiss him, without fail.

You'd have to make it a point to let him know of your adoration for them the next time he decides to take your breath away with his hot mouth.

And make no mistake, that's what kissing him is like, like losing your breath, like gaining your breath all over again; like being locked in an airtight, evacuated room, like being put on the ventilator with nothing but pure oxygen being pumped straight to your lungs.

It's dizzying either way. Whether it's being deprived of the gush of wind through your airways, or being forced to choke up on all the withheld supply of air all at once, it hurts.

It hurts to be with him. But you'll choose to be hurt, to be on the receiving end of the pain, if it means he's the inflictor, the hand on the trigger.

"Right now?"

"Yeah, if that's okay," he's nervous, something you both are a lot around each other from time to time.

"Uh, okay. Okay, yeah, I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay, good. That's good," you hear shuffling, and imagine him moving from one foot to the other, "I'll be waiting outside the dorms."

"Outside the— what if someone sees you?"

"They know anyway."

Which is the truth. Inherently the private person, you'd asked Minho to keep your newly budding relationship a secret from your peers, a request he'd agreed to almost immediately. Ever the understanding and gentle soul, he'd not once asked to go public with you, even though Hyunjin told you how he sometimes drunkenly mumbles about wanting to hold your hand when Soobin gets a little too close, about wanting to get you coffee on 7 A.M. Tuesday lectures when he knows you haven't slept for more than two hours, about kissing you under the lights on prom night when all couples got their fancy on and indulged in each other after a tough semester.

He wants, yearns, craves.

But you'd been cruel enough to deny him that. Trust issues and fear of commitment aside, you'd been afraid to tell people, to introduce him as your boyfriend, because saying that aloud would make it all the more real, and you'd no longer be able to control the flutter to your heart every time he appeared in your peripheral vision, you'd no longer been able to hold back the intensity of your feelings that seeming only grow with each passing hour, minute, second you spend looking at him.

It had scared you. Understandably so.

Caught up in over your head, you hadn't stopped to consider what it all meant for him, what he might perceive this as. He had no way of knowing what you actually felt, not unless you told him.

It all happened a week ago, when your phone dinged with a notification from Hyunjin. Instead of telling you, he sent you a video this time, a video of Minho slumped back against the wall of the speakeasy you both frequent, eyes shut with his head resting on the concrete.

dumplin [2:57 A.M.]

VID_3653833_219389.mp4

he's been like this for half hr

"I love this place," his intoxicated form had rasped in the video.

Hyunjin who was behind the camera had snorted, asking the reason for the sudden confession.

Minho had grinned, all toothy, bunny smile on display, "I come here all the time with my girlf—" only to stop dead in his tracks, eyes snapping open, neck suddenly ramrod straight with panic all over his drowsy features.

"Your girl..?" Hyunjin had prompted from behind the camera, barely stifling his chortle.

"Uh, my, my. Oh god, I don't know. I don't know what I was saying."

He always was a bad liar. Even in his hazy eyes, even through the shaky video, you could see the hurt, the pain behind his actions as he rubbed the heel of his palms against his eyes, chugged a bottle of water to sober himself up.

"It's okay, Minho. I know. We all know."

"Know what?" he had asked, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth.

"We know you're dating the dance society president."

His eyes had widened, a fresh surge of agitation creeping its way onto his otherwise relaxed face.

"No. No, that's not true. Who told you that?"

Hyunjin had chuckled and told him he was the one who introduced you guys, and the other six seated on the table were among the very few people who did know of your apparently secret relationship.

"I don't know what you're talking about. She and I are just frei—"

The video had cut off there and half an hour later, you found yourself asking the local security guard for directions to 'The Late Bite'.

The bejewelled smile he cast your way as you entered the dining space lasted only a fraction of a second, him going back to pretending you were mere acquaintances and your heart had all but given up.

Marching to him, you had gotten him up on his feet. Ignoring the confused, almost frightened look to his face, you had for once asked your brain to shut the fuck up, and finally given in.

You kissed him. You kissed him on the mouth, swallowing the gasp he let out, ignoring the gasps the people in the diner let out, cradling his face with care befitting a porcelain doll, for truly, he was. As fragile as fine china, as delicate as the first rays of sun hitting the horizon.

Not the tough guy he pretends to be, the hard exterior, the unbreakable shell. You know him to be none of those things.

The dazed smile, the look of blatant relief he'd given you before collapsing on you, mumbling a small breathy, "thank you," was all you needed to know that you'd made no mistake. This was how it was supposed to be, always.

And so it had began.

He held your hand when Soobin got a little too close, he got you coffee on 7 A.M. Tuesday lectures when you were running on two hours of sleep, he held your nape and kissed you under the nightlights, because prom had passed by then but it didn't matter to him, he had kissed you, kissed you, and kissed you some more, till your head got fuzzy from the lack of air supply, till it was physically impossible to stay connected for even another second.

And that's how you find yourself here, making your way out of the girls' dorm in the quiet of the night, it being well past midnight by now— not before checking your reflection in the common bathroom once, fluffing out your hair, splashing some cold water onto your face.

He's standing under a street lamp with his hands into the pockets of his fleece jacket, unmatching with the track set he wears underneath.

He's the single most picky person you know when it comes to styling outfits, deciding what goes well with what, which colour compliments the undertones of another one. Well, besides you of course. Your friends teased you both about how you were practically cut from the same cloth, the same material but different textures, so alike in all the places that mattered, so different in all the places that didn't so much.

So the beige jacket atop the cherry red track set stands out a little too much, and your heart thumps a little too fast at the possibility of his eagerness to see you outweighing his need to look presentable at all times.

You shuffle forward, heart picking up its erratic staccato, the same way it does every time he's within a mile's radius, threatening to jump out of the confines of your ribcage, trying to lunge for what was once so out of reach, for far too long.

He's reclined against the street lamp, eyes closed, head thrown back against the cool metal pole, allowing the ombre light to fall straight onto his fluffy mop of hair. It's unstyled, freshly washed. The caramel tone compliments the muted yellow light streaming down his face, painting him, drowning him.

Your heart aches from running a mile a minute.

Or from feeling so full. You aren't exactly sure.

"Hi," you squeak tentatively, not wanting to disturb him when he looks so peaceful. And beautiful. God, he looks beautiful.

His eyes flutter open. Your heart breaks open with them.

He forgoes pleasantries in favour of wrapping his arms around your shoulders, pulling you flush against his chest, and you hold him back, hug him back, squeeze him like you never want to let go. Because really, you don't. Not now, not ever.

"Where's your jacket?" he mumbles into your shoulder, stroking his face back and forth against it, much like the stray cat that visits your dorm room at nights does.

"Mm?"

He chuckles, "It's cold out. Why didn't you put on a jacket?"

"Oh," you pull back, there's pink dusting your cheeks, and you really hope it passes as the consequence of the chilly night, "I guess I forgot."

He smiles wide, affectionate and all kinds of pretty, and the tear in the front of your heart deepens, curling a little to the back, threatening to split it into two.

It's not so impossible a situation, you suppose. Lee Minho is very much capable of shattering your heart into a million pieces with a single smile, then healing it back with a kiss to your temple, breaking it along new cracks, then moulding it back together with the same blowtorch he uses to melt sugar atop his Crème Brûlée, the blue flame made all the more hot with searing kisses, aimed at trapping you into this cycle where he plays with your heart, keeping it with him to do as he pleases.

And you'd let him. Let him have his way with you, to make you, unmake you, only to make you again.

You're his clay, and he's your artist.

You're brought back to the present as a sudden warmth engulfs you, and when you look over your shoulder to see the beige fleece jacket dropped around you, it warms you from the inside too.

"Hey, you'll catch the cold, you have an assessment tomorrow too—"

He shrugs, "I'll live."

"Minho, seriously I'm fine, here take it back—"

"It doesn't match my fit anyway," he entwines your fingers together and begins slowly walking, guiding you along.

It's then that it clicks. Glancing down, you take note that the jacket actually goes with your outfit, and you refuse to pick up on the reason for this coincidence, for certainly, it's not one. It's planned, thought out.

You'll ignore it all the same. For the well being of your poor heart that's working overtime, your senses that are on high alert, your hand, so so warm engulfed in his large one.

"Where are we going?" you ask instead.

"Just a night walk," he begins, and you've spent enough time with him by now to know that his voice sounds bashful, the little shy lilt to it endlessly endearing, "wanted to spend some time with you."

You clutch at your chest with the other hand, exhaling a deep sigh, and squeeze his hand, praying that it's appreciation enough, that it compensates for your inability to verbally acknowledge his thoughtfulness.

But if there's one thing that he's, without a doubt, mastered about you, is your tells.

He knows when you're too abashed to outright admit it out loud that you appreciate him.

He knows when you're too overwhelmed to downright confess you're having trouble staying focussed.

He knows when you're too exhausted to unequivocally divulge your reluctance to anything social.

He just knows. But you don't; you don't know what you did to deserve this, to deserve him.

You still don't think you do, truth be told.

When you snap out of your daze, you both are no longer on campus grounds, walking along a lone street you don't recognise, lit by flickering lights threatening to give out any moment, but in a moment of vulnerability that surprises even yourself, you find you're not scared. Because Minho is with you, and as long as that stands, as long as you're lucky enough for that to stand, you know you're safe.

"Where are we going?" you echo your previous question.

But this time, he grins with a mischievous glint to his eye, looks you over and his pupils dilate, as if merely looking at you is enough to kickstart his heart into overdrive, "You'll see."

And see you do. Twenty minutes later, here you stand, bare feet pressed into the wet sand by the shore, both arms wrapped around his bicep, head resting on the trusty shoulder, humming along to the sound the breeze makes as it whisks past you.

"Are you cold?" he whispers, despite there being no one except the two of you on the beach at this time of day, taking your hands in his and swiping his thumb over your knuckles, assessing the answer for himself, lest you lie to not worry him. "Mm. No, you're not," he hums to himself, guiding your head back where it rested against the crook of his neck, only this time wrapping his own arms around, engulfing you in an embrace that speaks of warmth, of comfort, of love.

But for some reason you aren't sure of yourself, you resist, not taking his lead in going back to your previous stance, instead just staring into his eyes with something you don't know, but it seems he does, for his facial expression turns from surprised to lovestruck in the matter of a second.

He leans in, granting your silent request. Really, you don't know how he does it, almost like you don't have to say anything at all, for he hears you loud and clear without you having to utter a single word.

If what people say about having a soul person is true, he is yours.

And as your lips slot together, the waves behind you crash the loudest they have today, as if the nature is rejoicing, the elements exuberating, witnessing the collision of two beautiful souls, their stitching together into a single bracelet in the form of two bright pearls.

He is the black one, burning passion and quiet peace.

You are the white one, inherent perfectionist and loud existence.

You compliment each other, matching almost every piece of clothing in the wardrobe, neutralising when the other gets too much, burning along when the other gets dim.

"I love you."

You don't know what love means, what it stands for, what it entails.

But you're in love with the idea of loving him.

"I love you," you echo into his mouth, forgoing the "too" at the end because it makes it sounds like a passive confession, a favour returned, when it's easily the truest statement you have had to utter in all the time you've spent thinking about him, him, him.

"I love you, I love you," and alas, once you say it, you can't seem to stop, you want him to know, you want the whole world to know. You want to write it on the stars for the universe to read, that you are his, and he yours.

"I love you so goddamn much."

It hurts, it hurts so much, more than it did an hour ago when you caught sight of him standing outside your dorms. Now that your heart is aware of the gravity of what it feels for him, it just hurts.

When he pulls back, it's to hold your chin in the care of his palm, making you look at him, his eyes glittering with the beginnings of perspiration.

"I love you," he says simply.

To any onlooker, it might have seemed tame, insane maybe, for you two haven't been saying anything except the same three words in the last ten minutes.

But you know, only you know that they aren't the same words.

The first time he said it was to test the waters, to see if you would run away.

The first time you said was to check for yourself, did you love him?

The second and third time you said it was to tell your heart that yes, yes you did, you loved him more than you did anyone before, and it's a wonder how it took him saying it first for you to realise that.

The final time you said it, it was to him, to let him know that you did.

The final time he said it was to say yes, he knows, he knows that you do, that he knows the first two confessions were for your heart more than they were for him, that he's proud you've let down your walls enough to let him in, that he's grateful you've chosen him.

You suddenly find yourself descended on the shore, your back pressed into the cool sand that tickles your nape, Minho hovering over you with a look that can only be described with three words.

I love you.

"Be mine?" he says with wet kisses trailing up your jaw, stopping after every one to take in a deep inhale.

It's silly maybe, to say that when you're already dating but you know what he means, for you feel the same.

"I already am," you say as your body cants upwards, up, up, up, towards him, towards safety.

His hands trail down your body to where the waistband of your sweats sits, tracing along the diameter it transcends, looping his arm to the back to lift you up a tad more.

"Can I?"

You don't know what he's asking for, your motor and sensory neurons having stopped working, still chanting the same words over and over, 'iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou'.

So you nod, letting him undo the knot that rests on your lower stomach, letting him expose you in a manner most intimate, letting him have you for him, surrendering to the onslaught of pleasure.

When he sinks down on you, stretching you open for the very first time, it's with a groan you wish you could record, paste onto your eardrum, for every time a sound reaches the tympanic membrane, it would vibrate, carrying with it the symphony of the voice you want to hear every second of everyday.

As the initial euphoria of letting him in wears off, with him buried to the hilt, you look up at him, his soft brown hair falling down like curtains on either side of his temple, spilling over his nape that's suddenly too narrow to contain all the strands. And it's then that you remember saying you loved it whenever he was too busy and pushed back going to the salon, his long locks a guilty pleasure, your indulgence.

You reach your hand forward, entwining it with his silken strands, just holding, feeling, "Did you grow them out for me?"

"Yes," he whispers without a beat, as though waiting for you to take note of it without him having to say it first.

This time, the tears do trickle down your eyes, staring up at what you only appreciated from a distance.

"I can't believe t-this—" you choke out the last word when he begins moving, ever so slightly pulling back, pushing forward with a little more force, a little more ardour, the veins in his neck all the more prominent with the strain it takes to hold himself back from going faster.

You tug at his roots, a sharp hiss emanating from somewhere deep in his throat, the roll to his eyes evidence enough of how there's now another reason for him to keep his locks long enough to pull at.

He presses his body closer to yours, coming down on his elbows, kissing down the trail of your hot tears on even hotter skin underneath. It's his way of saying he's listening, an unspoken encouragement for you to continue, but also that it's okay if you don't.

But today is the day you've decided to bare it all to him, to not coware back, to let him know what only you have for what seems like forever.

"I s-saw you on the day of the orientation," you barely get out, coherence slipping past your fingertips much like the fine sand particles you're currently making love atop.

He stills, looking into your eyes, searching for something, "The very first day of college?"

You nod, stretch your lips into what you hope is a smile for your tears are cascading down with a current, sweeping anything and everything that dares come in the way of your route to him.

"That was like, five months ago," he seems incredulous, unbelieving that you were, in fact, the first to notice him and not the other way around.

Entangling your other hand into his hair, fingers brushing the one already slotted in there, you chuckle, "Yeah, it was like, five months ago. I had my eye on you for quite a while, pretty boy."

He doesn't buy the distraction you only half hoped he would, tenting his eyebrows into an upside down V, "And?" he prompts, yet again knowing that there's more to what you're saying.

"It's silly," you mumble, turning away from his gaze that puts your well being at risk.

A gentle finger to your chin, a swift sway of your face to pin you under the same gaze.

"Tell me." Simple as that, with no way out.

Maybe you don't want one.

"I-I saw you on the first day, a-and… I just, god you were so pretty, I thought— I wanted you already, but I thought you were a little too pretty, you know? And, and that eveyone would want you too, and you'd have so many options, ones better than me, and I'd have to get in line, and then—"

A firm press of lips, locked together in love and lust, in lieu of reassurance that you know is still coming.

"It was you for me, always," he says when he pulls back, "there's no line, no one else, just you. And me. Just us, hm?"

"Mm," you hum, losing yourself in the rhythm of his hips that have begun moving once again, small whimpers escaping right into his ear that is pressed against your cheek. Whether it's deliberate or not, you don't know.

He grasps onto one of your ankles, winding it around behind him, the space thus created allowing him to push in all the deeper.

"Oh god, Minho—"

His pace picks up when you pull his hair enough to cause a faint sting on his scalp, in addition to being a direct result of the way his name keeps overflowing past your lips.

You gasp, fighting for air, clutching onto his shoulders, afraid he'd slip away if you let go, "Everyone can see."

It's a little too late for that now.

"Let them. Let them see," quickening of thrusts, desperation rearing its head in the most sinful of ways.

"Let me show them how much I love you."

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drewharrisonwriter · 8 months

Text

On the Mend - Ch 2: Let Me Sleep On It

No Outbreak Joel Miller x Female Reader

Read this on AO3 | Masterlist

Summary: After seeing Joel Miller for the first time in months and revealing your little secret, Tommy Miller ran after you to the parking lot.

Word count: 1,972

A/N: I done did it, folks. Here is chapter 2 lol And it's lengthier, too but I'm still not sure what's gonna happen next or when this will end but hope you all like this chapter.

She hurriedly paid for her purchases and rushed to the parking lot.

It had already been a long and arduous day in general. Seeing Joel Miller had been the last thing she needed. All she wanted was to go home and put this dreadful day behind her, and hopefully, never see Joel again.

But based on their last conversation, that wouldn't be a problem.

She just wanted to avoid having to explain anything to him if it ever came to that. She didn't owe him an explanation; he had made it clear he never planned on marrying her or having a family with her. She understood that his priority was Sarah, and she loved Sarah deeply but she had left to give herself a fair chance in life, a chance to be a mother to her own child, and maybe one day, to find love and get married.

At the moment, she was satisfied with the life she had been living since her breakup with Joel. It had been tough, especially going through the pregnancy alone, but she was doing alright, she thought to herself. She missed him, but she didn't allow herself to dwell on that because it only broke her heart, remembering that Joel had kept her for five years, only to tell her that their relationship was essentially a dead-end.

She fumbled for her car keys, her mind still reeling from the unexpected encounter with Joel. The wounds from their last confrontation were still fresh, and seeing him again had sent a shockwave through her emotions. But she did her best to calm herself down. It's going to be alright. She assured herself. You'll be home soon, and you can pretend that you never saw him. It's just one bad day.

As she slid into the driver's seat and turned the ignition, she couldn't shake the image of Joel's stunned expression when he'd spotted her unmistakable baby bump. She didn't know whether it was anger, sadness, or some mix of emotions that clouded his eyes, but she knew one thing for sure: she saved herself from even more hurt by leaving him and not telling him about her baby.

Just as she was about to pull out of the parking space, a familiar figure darted in front of her car, causing her to slam on the brakes. It was Tommy Miller, Joel's younger brother and one of her closest friends that she essentially ghosted along with Sarah when she left Joel. Tommy had always been the peacemaker (as much as he is a troublemaker, ironically), the one who tried to mend fences and bring people together.

She rolled down her window, and yelled, “Tommy what the fuck?!”

“I’m sorry,” he laughed as he walked towards her.

She sighed, her frustration evident. "Tommy, I'm really not in the mood for catching up right now. Can we do this another time?"

"Well, it's nice to see you too, stranger," Tommy began, his tone cool, accompanied by a friendly laugh. "I spotted you in the store, and I couldn't help but notice... Well, that you're expecting."

"Yeah, I am. What's it to you?" she snapped. Tommy let out an apologetic huff, and his expression turned serious as he glanced at her belly.

"I get it, you're going through a lot," Tommy said, "but I saw Joel's face back there. He looked shocked, confused, and probably a hundred other things. You can't just leave it like that."

She clenched her fists on the steering wheel, her emotions swirling. "Tommy, I don't owe him an explanation. I don't owe anyone an explanation."

Tommy nodded, his voice gentle. "I understand, but assuming the baby is Joel's, he would surely want to be a part of their life."

She sat there for a moment, torn between her instinct to protect herself and the undeniable truth in Tommy's words. Her gaze remained fixed on the steering wheel, her knuckles white from gripping it so tightly.

Finally, she let out a heavy sigh and turned to face him. "Tommy, I know you mean well, but you don't understand how painful things have been for me. Joel and I... we were never going to work out. We wanted completely different things in life. Now, I have what I want, my baby, and Joel can focus on giving Sarah a better life without me weighing him down."

Tommy reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder, his touch comforting. "I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know that this baby changes things. You have a right to make the best decision for yourself and your child. But consider this, not just for Joel, but for you too. Closure, even if it's painful, might be the first step toward healing."

She blinked back tears, and tried her best to keep her emotions at bay afraid of breaking down in the parking lot of the biggest grocery store in town in front of Tommy Miller. The day has already been rough enough.

She finally smirked, cocking her head as she did. "Never thought I'd hear anything like that from you, Tommy." She joked and he laughed along with her.

"I'll think about it." She said finally after a beat of silence.

Tommy gave her a reassuring smile. "That's all I ask. Whenever you're ready, just let me know. And... I never changed my number, so if you can please unblock me from your phone that would be great." They laugh a little again, "You can always call me if you need anything especially for the baby,"

She smiled at Tommy and thanked him before she drove off.

As she arrived home, she parked her car and took a moment to collect her thoughts. Despite Tommy's suggestion, she couldn't bring herself to even think of reaching out to Joel. After all, he made it clear that he never saw her beyond being a girlfriend. She's sure that Joel wouldn't even want anything to do with her and her baby, they can just continue living their own separate lives.

But fate had other plans.

A week later, there was an unexpected knock on her door. She grunted as she struggled to get off the couch. "Just a second!" She called out as she waddled towards the front door.

"I'm so sorry it's taking a while to--" She rambled but cut herself off when she saw Joel standing on her front porch with a black eye.

She blinked in surprise at the sight of Joel, her emotions a tangled mess of shock, confusion, and lingering anger. It had been months since they last spoke, and she hadn't expected to see him on her doorstep.

"What are you doing here, Joel?"

He shifted uncomfortably, avoiding her gaze as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, darlin'," he mumbled, his tone subdued. "Can I come in for a moment?"

"I'm not really in the mood to talk to anybody, Joel," she replied. "Just... go home, or go to the ER or something."

"Please?" He pleaded, and she looked at him, unsure. Finally, and reluctantly, she stepped aside, allowing him entry. As he walked into her living room, she gestured for him to take a seat as she walked down the hall to the kitchen. He looked around as he sat on the couch and took in his surroundings. He smiled to himself as he saw the shelf of records and the countless books in her living room, and the familiar scent of santal and citrus lightly mixed with her perfume. It's all so warm and familiar.

She finally stepped back into the living room, breaking his moment of nostalgia as she handed him both a glass of water and whiskey. "I don't know what you want," she said blankly, and he took both glasses as he muttered a thanks.

"What happened to your face?"

Joel sighed, downing the glass of water before taking a sip of whiskey. "Tommy and I had a disagreement."

She raised an eyebrow, "You boys are always having a disagreement. What is it this time?" The Miller brothers, despite the fact that they'd kill for each other, can also be killing each other with petty arguments.

He hesitated for a moment, then finally met her gaze. "About you. He told me he talked to you and that I should know. I didn't take it well, and things got physical."

"Joel," she let out a sigh and buried her face in her hands. She felt a pang of guilt, realizing that Tommy had probably acted out of concern for both of them.

He nodded, his expression a mix of regret and understanding. "I know we left things on bad terms, and I've had time to think about it. I should've handled it differently, and I'm sorry."

She bit her lip, her heart aching as she looked at the man who had once been her everything. "Joel, I appreciate your apology, but we want different things in life... And now we have it. This isn't necessary."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you, you know. Ever since that moment at the grocery store and seein' you pregnant... I couldn't help but wonder if... well, I know it's mine. It has to be, right? I wanted so badly to go after you then, but I was too scared to talk to you," he confessed. She listened intently, sitting across from him, nervously chewing on her bottom lip.

Tommy told him about the parking lot conversation and that she had no intentions of ever telling Joel about the baby. He was so hurt, he got mad at Tommy instead for not telling him right away. It was rash, and he was sorry, but he wondered if he could be there for her, for the baby.

"Joel," she began, her tone firm but tinged with sadness, "I appreciate your offer, but I don't want anything from you. I don't want you derailing your plans for me or my baby. It was incredibly difficult to accept that our five-year relationship had no future, and the last thing I want is for you to feel obligated or guilty. I've got this on my own, Joel. This is what I want, and I understand it's not what you want. I can't drag you back into my life; it just wouldn't work."

Joel swallowed hard, his eyes downcast as he processed her words. He knew he had hurt her deeply, and the weight of his actions over the past months was now crashing down on him. He couldn't let this end here, not without trying to make amends.

"Please," he began, his voice shaky. He's on his knees now, kneeling in front of her. "I can't change the past, and I can't take back the hurtful things I said. But please, just hear me out. I've had so much time to think, and I realize how wrong I was. I was scared, and I ran away from my responsibilities, from you. I was a fool, and I'm just so sorry, darlin'."

He reached out, hesitantly placing a hand on her arm, seeking any sign of forgiveness in her eyes. "I don't expect you to welcome me back with open arms, but I want to be there for you and the baby. I'll do whatever it takes to make amends, to earn your trust again."

She met his gaze, her expression softening as she looked into his remorseful eyes. The wounds were still fresh, but she couldn't deny that a part of her had missed him terribly.

"Joel, I need time," she replied, her voice gentler now. "I can't make any promises right now."

Joel nodded, grateful for even a sliver of hope. "Thank you. That's all I ask for."

Next Chapter 👉🏻

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noisyquokka · 9 months

Text

By A Thread...

PAIRING - Chan x GN!Reader

SYNOPSIS - When life leaves you hanging off the end of your rope, fighting on your own is a struggle. You thank the universe for giving you that one person who can always make those struggles a little more bearable.

WORDCOUNT - 3.5k

WARNINGS - TRIGGER WARNING *** Talks/thoughts of suicide, description of panic attacks, anxiety, reader's mental health has tanked (Please don't read if you aren't comfortable with these)*** angst, comfort, emotional support, childhood friends || Please let me know if I missed anything!

A/N - I started this writing piece to help me get through a really tough mental health episode. While I didn't finish it during that time, something brought me back to it recently and it's a bittersweet feeling to have completed it. After thinking about things for a bit, I've decided that I'd post this for anyone else who may be going through those difficult thoughts, or who has in the past. Chan's Room has always been a safe space for me, and I know a lot of us resonate with that.

Knowing this is a heavy fic, I feel it appropriate to leave a link to suicide hotlines. This site has international hotlines for those of you outside of the U.S. as well as other useful info. I know this planet is a questionable place to be existing on at the moment, but the human experience isn't complete without some struggles. We can all get through it, whatever it is we're struggling with. I'm proud of you! 💛

You shut the door to the apartment, slugging your shoes off at the entrance. The stresses of the day weigh heavily on your shoulders, tense and aching as you trudge through the hallway toward your bedroom.

"You're home early." Chan's bubbly voice resonates through the apartment; a welcoming sound. If you would've acknowledged it, that is. Brown eyes shift from the blue-light of the laptop at the lack of a response, catching the ghost of your body whiz through the kitchen from his spot on the sofa. Your footfalls reverberate against the floorboards. It was the door slamming shut, rattling the walls, the electrifying static that had purged into the space. That's when Chan knew that something wasn't right.

You sag against the woodgrain of the door, wrapping your arms around yourself in an attempt of self-consoling as you slowly slide floorward on shaky legs. Breaths come in shallow puffs of air, your lungs constricting like a mouse in the death grip of a python. Everything that had happened today had finally tripped the tidal wave of negative thoughts you had been pushing down for... God knows how long now. You can't remember. All you know is you want it to end before these thoughts drag you too deep into the rabbit hole to where you can't crawl back out on your own.

Trembling fingers wipe the tears from your cheeks, although it seems futile when fresh ones retrace their tracks down your skin. You focus in on your breathing with a shaky breath and furrowed brows. A deep breath in. Hold.

5...4...3...2...1...

A deep breath out.

A soft rapping on the door startles you, shoulders jerking violently. You know who it is before he even speaks your name, voice muffled beyond the barrier of the door, soft and laced with concern.

"Hey, you alright?"

The crease between your brows deepen as your ears pop, drums a void of rumbles and vibrations as if someone stuffed them full of cotton. Teary, bloodshot eyes tilt toward the ceiling.

"Yeah," You wince at the warble in your voice, clearing your throat before trying again. "Yeah! I'm fine, Chan." When no response comes from beyond the door, you know. You know that he knows you are far from fine.

Chan's shadow crawls up the hallway of the shared apartment as he shoulders his weight against the doorframe to your room. He could count the amount of times you two have found yourselves in this very predicament on his fingers three times over. Most nights he'd ask if he could come in and you would both talk about what was bothering you.

Tonight wasn't most nights, though.

Chan shifts himself so his back is against the doorframe, sliding down the woodgrain until he's settled on the wood floor, legs crossed beneath him. He bites the flesh of his cheek at the sound of your sniffles, his heart aching in his chest.

"You wanna talk?" He asks, and you feel your composure cracking at his tone. So courteous and careful, like always. You nod your head, tongue darting out to lick chapped lips and salty tears.

"Sure."

"Alright, let's see..." Chan trails off, taking a deep breath as he racks his brain for a topic. Something to take your mind off your troubles. His lips twitch into a ghost of a smile as he turns his head toward the door. "What's your favourite flower?"

"What?" You scoff, wiping the tears from your cheeks. He begins to repeat himself, and you cut him off.

"You already know the answer to that, Chan."

"Sunflowers." He says, resting an elbow against one knee. "We were what... nine and twelve when you became obsessed with them because Ms. Keller had planted some in her yard down the street."

Chan's smiling. You can hear it in his voice.

"When your dad bought some sunflower seeds from the store, you stole some from the bag and I helped you dig a hole in the backyard so you could plant them. You watered them for months until the weather got too cold. They never grew because they were roasted sunflower seeds." He's rattling on as if he's experiencing the memory all over again behind those brown eyes of his.

Your laugh is broken and groggy - a candle's light in the dark, casting away shadows that had built up in the corners of the apartment - but it's the reason that Chan's heart skips when it flows beneath the door.

"Oh my god, I forgot about that," You reply, sniffling behind long sleeves. "I thought if my parents found out we planted them that they'd be mad."

The image of you and Chan sneaking around the yard in search of a shovel and a watering can is a core memory, the spring sunshine kissing your skin. The smell of freshly turned dirt and a handful of salty sunflower seeds is as vivid in your mind as the man beyond the door.

"But the next spring, Ms. Keller came over and helped us plant some sunflowers in your yard because your dad seen us trying to plant his roasted seeds in the far corner of the garden."

You chuckle as Chan recalls the memory, eyes downcast to the floor. Everything was so carefree and enjoyable as a kid, and now it feels like work to find just a fraction of enjoyment in your life. Too much anxiety over whether or not you're on the right path, nevermind worrying that you're going about living life the wrong way. As if there's some manual to go by. Your chest tightens and you hold your breath, wet lashes fluttering.

Everything is quiet for a moment, save for the wall clock ticking softly.

"I understand why you always loved them." Chan says, and for a moment it sounds like words he didn't mean to verbalize. You know him better than that. "They're so vibrant and full of life - just like you."

You swallow down the ball of nerves, but that does nothing to quell your active tear ducts. Chan tilts his head toward the door at the sounds of your untamed whimpers, brows furrowing.

"Can I come in?" His voice is sheer lace, delicate as he reaches out to you. And you are well beyond your breaking point, rubbing at your wet, matted lashes. He listens carefully for the sounds of shuffling beyond the door, or even your verbal consent.

The lock on the door lets off a subtle click as you wrap shaky fingers around the knob and twist. He's off the floor before you can swing the door open, meeting your gaze with ember eyes that shine like the hearth of a home.

There you are.

The one constant in Chan's life since the first grade. You, standing in front of him in your crumbling state, trying desperately to hold yourself together like a tattered flag in a storm; a whole piece of fabric battered and torn by gale force winds, frayed edges violently tearing away until single threads are all that's left.

And there he is. Your life raft saving you from drowning in the choppy waters of your mind. Chan stands with open arms, awaiting the inevitable weight of your head against his chest. Your skeleton rattles against wound muscle and vermilion-coated veins when you take a step forward. As the weight of your world comes crashing down upon his shoulder, he holds you with the utmost care, strong arms encircling you as if afraid that you would break under the pressure. The warmth of his body only eggs on the tears, breaking your composure further as you collapse into him. Sobs wrack your body, muffled in his shoulder. Shaky fingers grasp for something to hold onto.

"It's alright," Chan murmurs, digging his nose into your scalp. You feel him press kisses into your scalp, breathing you in as your tears seep into the fabric of his shirt. Fingers splay against your back, soothing shapes and gentle motions running the expanse of your spine, rocking the two of you back and forth. His warmth cradles you, soothes your pain. You never feel shame in these arms. Only the strongest, surest form of love and support that you could ever find in someone. Chan's heart drums against his chest. "You can let it out, it's just me."

You don't know what Gods had decided that you were worthy of such a soul, but right now the only way you think you can thank them is through your violent sobs. Grief and gratitude blend together. You needed this comfort desperately, and it shows in your inconsolable tears. In how quiet you are, unable to verbalize much of your inner monologue when it's thrashing around the confines of your psyche like a hurricane. If a Category five was the worst, you were sitting at a nonexistent Category seven. Chan's words echo in your mind.

"They're so vibrant and full of life - just like you."

There's no point in trying to compose yourself. The floodgates have opened. You feel yourself overheating and yet you crave the comfort that Chan is offering, whispering words of encouragement as you press your face into his shoulder. Soothing each scar that litters the muscle in your chest that beats like hummingbird wings.

"Am I a bad person for wanting to die?"

Your brain is so overwhelmed that your mouth opens without a second thought. You hope your words fall on deaf ears, what with how most of them were interrupted by broken hiccups and a pounding head. But when Chan's body goes rigid under your touch, you know he's heard you. His grip tightens, your name whispered against your hair as his voice catches in his throat. If he felt something was off when you walked in the door earlier, it was painfully obvious now. You were lost. Utterly lost and alone, sending out an S.O.S in the labyrinth of your miserable mind. He's talked you down from the brink of destruction many times through the years. To say he was heaven-sent would be a severe understatement. But this was different to the others. Hearing those words come from anyone was enough to bowl him over. Hearing them come from your mouth, though? He's never heard you speak this way in all his years of knowing you. He wanted to know what had been the origin of your tears, but this was not where he expected the conversation to go.

Your breath catches as you sense how much your words affected him. Chan's silence weighed heavily in the air, your words sinking into the hard wood floors until they were weighted with lead. You pull away from him, gaze downcast as you wipe away the tears on your face. A flood of guilt crashes over you, throat constricting like a zip tie closing around your esophagus.

Put the mask back on. Rebuild your walls. You've fucked up now.

"I-I'm fine. I didn't mean to- I'm sorry." You turn your head, unable to bring yourself to look at your best friend since childhood as more tears fall from doused lashes. Your chest tremors for putting that burden on him, something you hadn't meant to say in the first place. You've never said those words out loud before. You never wanted people to worry. Never wanted to be a problem for them. But here you stand, bearing intrusive thoughts to your best friend. It was like throwing a pile of bricks at him and expecting him to bear all that weight with no trouble.

"You're not. Look at me, listen to me." He says, taking your shaking shoulders with a gentle yet firm grip to turn you towards him again. Calloused fingers brush against your jaw, tipping your chin up to meet your glassy eyes. Brown optics flicker across your face, moving from feature to feature with the deepest concern. There's an emptiness in your eyes that twists Chan's heart, the ache so miserable that tearing the muscle from behind the wall of marrow would be more bearable than leaving it be. Chan's tone is adamant, steady despite the weight of the words you've just entrusted to him. "No, you're not."

New tears retrace the old tracks down exhausted epidermis, eyebrows sliding in as you feel Chan press another kiss to your scalp, lingering a moment longer than before. Chan's response only causes you more anxiety, unsure what exactly he's referring to. Not fine or not a bad person for having such heavy thoughts? He must pick up on it, quick to speak up again.

"You're not a bad person at all, and I think you know that. You're just struggling right now, and that's okay."

You sniffle and shake your head, fighting against a tidal wave of hysterics.

"But, what if I..." You swallow, your mind so jumbled you're unable to spit out the words in their original form. "What if I can't get through this?"

"Oh, love..." Chan murmurs, his voice tremulous. It takes everything in him to reign in his own tears. The very thought of you giving in to those intrusive thoughts is like driving a dagger through his heart. His hands leave your face and wrap around you again, his strong hold tightening until you're lifted off the ground, cradled in his arms as he walks toward your bed. You are so tired, physically and mentally overwhelmed by his compassion and the gentle way in which he carries you. You fold into him like a tired newborn. Being tucked into secure arms as he lays you in bed feels like something more intimate than anything you've ever known. Chan is quick and careful when he settles in beside you.

"You don't need to say a word," He whispers, brushing stray hairs from your face and wiping your tears. "just listen to me."

You nod, a broken whimper escaping your throat as he pulls you into his arms. Chan rubs your back soothingly, letting you cry like a child, and he holds you like letting you go would be a criminal offense.

"You don't have to tell me what brought you to this point, I don't need to know if you don't want me to." He starts, his voice rumbling through his chest as he speaks. It offers you some modicum of comfort as you rest one of your arms over his torso. He lets out a heavy breath, eyes cast to the ceiling. "You aren't a bad person for having those thoughts. They don't define who you are, or where you're going. The fact that you're telling me this says a lot, that you've been holding this in for God knows how long."

"I'm just- it's so exhausting to keep living." You mumble, wiping at your runny nose. You press yourself further into Chan's side, feeling his arms tighten around you with every shift you make. His gaze falls to you when you speak, taking in every word with sharp ears. "I've had those thoughts, myself, y'know." His voice is thick with unspoken secrets, a heavy breath hitting the crown of your head - shallow and sharp. You lay with your head against his chest, silent as he confesses to his own feelings of hopelessness.

You've never seen Chan lose the façade of the stable best friend. Even through the stresses of high school, he was the rock, a bastion of strength and resilience. But Chan knows. He knows what those thoughts are like, the struggle of falling asleep while trying to fend off cackling demons from the foot of the bed. The pain of trying so hard to fit the mold that society has crafted, that every single individual is expected to fit to a T.

Perhaps that's why he knows how to soothe you, how to take care of you and hold back his own tears. Even if he doesn't know how frayed and weathered your thread on this life is.

"I never told you about them. Never told anyone, really. I put all my feelings into songwriting, even if I never released half of them." Chan's body relaxes beneath you as the weight of his secrets leaves him. A half-hearted sigh. A lazy hand traces the curve of your back in a calming gesture, the rhythm of his fingers almost hypnotizing.

"You always believed in my impossible dreams... encouraged me to pursue them like it was your calling in life. You made me happy through all of my downfalls." You pick your head up at his words, resting your chin against his breast. Two pairs of eyes lock on one another. There's a ghost of a smile quirking Chan's lips after a moment, brown eyes glowing like the embers of a fire.

"You're one of the good ones." He pauses, bringing a hand up to swipe at the stray hairs in your face, running his fingers through the locks like he always does. "You're so much that this world doesn't deserve, but everything that is needed. Just like those sunflowers that summer. Little seeds that were waiting for their chance to shine, and you lit them up like little beacons of hope."

Even though fresh tears are streaming down your face, Chan beams at the soft laugh that you release. It's genuine this time, unbroken and featherlight. Childlike. These tears aren't ones of hopelessness and sleepless nights, but of gratitude and love for the person embracing you. The way Chan speaks to you, the way he's willing to offer up his strength and his heart without expecting anything of you in return is exactly what you need. In a world filled with harsh realities and high expectations and constant beat downs, he is the personification of empathy. His voice calms your anxious mind, even if his words don't completely wipe out the heavy storm. He tames it, eases the hurricane force winds and manifests a steady rain that could lull you to sleep.

"I'm not going to let you drown, alright. I know things seem rough right now, but you've accomplished so much and you're gonna do so much more." Chan's eyes burn into yours, unwavering in his conviction. You feel the pad of his thumb against your cheek as he wipes more tears away, the heat and passion in his expression shifting to tenderness as he speaks. "As long as I'm here, you'll never be alone in this."

His words are the affirmations you've told yourself for months, fighting your negative thoughts with positivity that only worked for so long. But the words held an air of certainty coming from Chan. There's value in them. It's the first time in a long time that hearing someone - even yourself - telling you that it's going to be okay brings you some semblance of peace, of safety. Knowing that things can get better given a little time. Sunflowers only bloom after some tender loving care; you learned that back when you were kids.

God damn, were you determined back then...

Every fiber of Chan's body exudes safety as he run his hands through your hair, your tears faltering with every delicate touch as you shed the weight of inner phantoms that you've repressed for forever. Your eyes close at the gesture, feeling his heartbeat thunder beneath your palm.

"You take care of me, I take care of you. Like it's always been."

You pick up on the strain in his tone, eyes wide when you open them again. Tears threaten to spill over Chan's lower lashes, unable to hold back those emotions any longer. Your fingers are still trembling lightly when you reach up and wipe them away, mirroring the actions he's been calming you with all night. You feel the arm around your torso squeeze you once, almost a silent thank you for that comfort, even in the state you're currently in.

"You ok?" He asks.

"Not quite," You mutter, sniffling as you keep your eyes on him. "but I'm better than I was an hour ago. All thanks to you."

Chan smiles; one of those smiles that isn't much, but somehow it still reaches his eyes.

"Good, that's good." He pulls you further up, pressing his fingers into your spine. "Now how about I order us some take out and you and I sit and watch a movie? Maybe that new one that you said looks laughably terrible? Or a comfort movie? Your choice."

"Can we lay here for ten more minutes?" You ask. You've already dropped your head against his chest, eyes closed as you listen to his heart thump against sturdy muscle.

"Ten more minutes. Twenty, if you need. I'm not going anywhere." Chan's reply is soft and slow as he continues to hold you close, your tears drying as seconds turn to minutes. You melt into his warmth, pressing further against his neck. Chan mirrors you, a silent reassurance that he's here; now and always.

In Chan's arms you're both so small, so powerless as you confront the demons that have long haunted you. There's no rushing here. Healing isn't a process that can be rushed. He doesn't need you to say a word or do anything. There's nothing more to say, no. He'll just hold you with everything he has. You relax against him, breaths evening out as you feel exhaustion take over.

As your eyes close, you feel the past few months recede.

The future seems less daunting. Just as the pieces shatter, you are finally ready to begin picking them up and piece them back together. It'll get ugly; viscous and foreboding. But Chan is willing to help you with such a demanding process.

That's everything that keeps you going.

It's what keeps you alive.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my work 💕 I appreciate you!

#stray kids #skz #bang chan #stray kids x reader #skz x you #bang chan x reader #skz x reader #bangchan x reader #skz chan #gn reader #x gender neutral reader #quokkawritings🌻#cw sui mention

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sciderman · 15 days

Note

Your post about balls and their inherent attractiveness made me wonder who you are attracted to? If you don’t mind me asking of course! I don’t mean to pry.

I’m just curious because you’re such a multifaceted person and gender and sexuality are so multifaceted. You mentioned that like, you don’t think you’re this icon of gender that everyone thinks you are but I don’t think you’re as far off as you think you are. You’ve never (at least that I have seen) claimed to have it all figured out. You sort of just walk into the room and go, “This is what I’m doing right now! Is it what I’ll be doing tomorrow? I don’t know!” It’s very David Bowie. So I thought maybe in terms of your sexuality you’ll likely be in a similar state of, “I know what I don’t like, but I’m still discovering what I do like because every day is a new adventure!”

hmm!! hmm... i think it's tough to pinpoint, because i've not had a lot of crushes in my time with people i know on a personal level - and, i haven't really been in a lot of relationships, and when i have it's usually been people pursuing me and me just, giving up the fight (sighs) - but when i do have a crush it's usually an emotional bond that makes them so attractive to me. it's not that they're not physically attractive too, of course they are, but it's kind of the emotional side that makes every little bit of them homina homina, you know. not to be gay about it.

i think even celebrity crushes i have are more about their inexplicable vibes more than their physical features. vibes have to be immaculate. i need to think "yeah. i wanna hang out with them. i think they could make me laugh."

though of course there's people out there who are objectively gorgeous, and i'm not immune to that. i know when someone's gorgeous. i - well, i don't know. i'm just (waves hands around) bisexual. i'm very bisexual. i find a lot of people attractive. from all parts of the gender and aesthetic spectrum. i don't think i could point at one thing and say "oh so that's what does it for me" - i think maybe just... enthusiasm and good vibes. friendly and approachable. not intimidating. kissable (whatever that means).

i'm easily scared away by people who seem intense. because i'm very skittish. so... people that are approachable and make me feel comfortable and safe, yeah. god. feeling safe with someone. yeah. that gets me hot under the collar. when i'm with someone i can feel free and comfortable with, and they kind of get it - and they know how to not scare me away, that's great. i've had a lot of interest in me from a lot of people that just kind of didn't get me, or think i'm something else, and all i want to do is get out of that situation. i can't do it, i can't do it. it - it kind of makes relationships difficult for me. because it's almost a given that if someone is thinking of me in a sexual context they're misinterpreting me. it - it kind of stinks. like, i should be responsive, maybe, but it never feels comfortable, for me. i wish it felt right. it very rarely does. so - so i've turned down so, so many people. and i beat myself up about being "scared" or whatever, but - i don't think it's true. if it feels right it feels right. if it doesn't feel right - you can't - you can't force yourself to think that it is. and every time i've bitten the bullet, it - it doesn't work. because it wasn't right. sometimes i think there's something wrong with me. but - i... i don't know. i've had this realisation that nearly all of the intimate relationships i've ever had, i've been a bit of a cornered animal. and i hate that realisation. it kind of stinks to realise that. kicks the dirt. god, i need more positive experiences.

i definitely feel more comfortable with afab people - i've - well, i've never had a positive encounter with anyone amab. not a one. i know that i shouldn't hold it against them, but it does something about my degree of comfort, yep. and i just think afab parts are prettier. (i'm right. they are.)

but i think, you know, while everybody has their clothes on, i don't really have preferences when it comes to femme vs masc, really. like when it comes to actors and things it's a 50/50 split on what actors or actresses i find attractive. in my day-to-day i'm probably more attracted to femme-presenting people, but that's generally because they put a little bit more effort into it, and their clothes and make-up are so, so pretty. i love when people display their emotions or their energy through their wardrobe. when people express themselves with all their colours or whatever. when you get a sense of who they are, and what they're about, just by looking at them. people who light up a room. i love those people. you generally find that more with femme-presenting people, and i love those girls. stay loud and proud, my girlies...

in my mind, in my subconscious, whenever i have dreams (that aren't a sordid threeway - i have a lot of those - usually with one gorgeous girl and a large, ominous faceless man) - dreams about who i'm going to wind up with, they're almost always femme-presenting. usually my age. sometimes older. shrugs. don't know what it means. just that's where my brain is at. i don't think it has to be true, but - guess it's where my brain is at.

my dad still insists that i'll end up with a man. i almost want to not, just to spite him. whenever i mention i'm attracted to a male actor he says "oh. so you are straight." he thinks i'm just confused. he says to me, "you're confused and that's okay." so i think that might be just about the full extent of acceptance i'll get from him. shrugs. i'm confused, i guess. i don't know. i think this particular thing i don't think i should or will have an answer. i don't think i'm confused. i don't feel like i need to sort it out. my options are open. i'm not scared about whatever will come. whatever is meant to happen will happen. that's - just, i guess, that's how i see it. whatever is meant to happen will happen. and it's not a problem that it hasn't happened yet. because i guess it wasn't meant to.

i think my gender stuff was always a priority - it always came first. i had my gender awakening LOOOONG before my sexual awakening (my sexual awakening like. only happened like. two years ago. honest to god.) i remember it being a bit of a problem - when i was forging my gender path back in high school, and a lot of people thought it meant something. meant that i was a cute boy who was up for dating girls. when actually i was the kind of boy who was not into girls yet. i was too busy being into comic books. i think even now, sex just - isn't my priority. it's just - it's more important for me to find people that see me for me. see me for what i am, and the sex can come later.

it's just - it's stupid, really. i find a million of you guys online who kind of get it. you're freaky weird gender like me but - in real life - i have no idea how to explain myself. i have no idea how to market myself. i can't use dating websites because i think people on both sides are going to be disappointed. and absolutely everyone who's romantically interested in me in person doesn't know how to approach me as what i am. they approach me wrong, and it scares me away on impact because - because whatever they think i am, i'm not. i'm not a butch lesbian, i'm not a transguy, i'm not a girl, i'm not a boy, i'm not... i don't know, i'm not easily marketable. i can't find my demographic. i've only found my demographic here, in my weird little spider-man corner of the internet. with likeminded freaky gendered spider-man nerds, i guess. i think maybe my dating life would be easier if i could just be one thing. but... (waves hands around) i can't do it. i can't force myself into a box for the sake of being more easily marketable. i just can't do it.

#sci speaks #sorry. this was probably a lot.#tumblr is my emotion dumping ground

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lucy90712 · 3 months

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I’ll be there for you- Pablo Gavi

A/n: this is a long one- 4.1k

Warnings: pregnancy; mentions of birth

I don't quite know how it happened as it all happened so quickly but my life just fell apart right in front of my eyes. Today has been such a rollercoaster of emotions I've gone from anxious to crying to angry then back to crying and now I just feel absolutely nothing. I've heard of people saying that you can just feel numb but I've never experienced it until today and what they say couldn't be more true I just feel nothing it's like I don't have the energy to feel anymore.

For the last week or so I haven't been feeling great and I could just tell something wasn't right but my fears were confirmed when my period was a few days late. I really didn't want to take a test as then it would become real but I knew I had to so this morning I went and got one without telling anyone. Of course when I had the courage to take the test it showed two clear lines meaning I really am pregnant. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears flowing down my face as there was so many thoughts flooding through my mind like what will my boyfriend think, how will this affect my studying and how am I going to cope with a baby. Growing up an only child means I've not had much experience with babies and I don't know much past the basics about pregnancy which makes all of this a whole lot scarier.

For the next few hours I was so in my own world that I didn't even realise the time until my boyfriend came home and I knew I had to tell him straight away just to get that out of my head. We have been together for a few years and have talked about having kids in the future but not yet so I know he won't be overly happy but hopefully he will see that something out there believes this is the right time for us. I wanted a minute to think of the right thing to say to him but he noticed that there was something up straight away. I tried to brush it off for a second but he was persistent in trying to get the truth out of me.

"I'm pregnant" I eventually said

"What?" He questioned

"I'm pregnant" I repeated

"Oh" he said bluntly

"I don't think I can do this I'm not ready for a family and I feel like I haven't been as into this relationship recently anyway" he said

"Wait so you're leaving me?" I asked

"Yeah I'm sorry I just can't do it I don't care what you do but I don't want to be part of all this like at all" he said before just walking out

With that everything got a whole lot worse. As if things weren't challenging enough I now have to do it all alone. In that moment I began cursing my decision to move to Barcelona away from my family and friends to follow my boyfriend and start school as now I have no support system and I definitely don't have the money to move back home. Most of my friends out here are from my boyfriends friend group as he introduced me to them when I moved here so even those people probably won't be here for me. Even thinking about having to do this all alone had me balling as not only is this a tough situation I also have a lot of hormones raging through my body making me even more emotional than usual.

As I was nearly drowning in my own tears my phone began to ring so I grabbed it hoping it would be my now ex boyfriend telling me he regrets his decision and actually wants to stay together. That wasn't the case though it was actually my one friend who isn't associated with my ex, Gavi. He doesn't usually phone me at all let alone at this time so I felt like I had to answer just in case he needed something or something was wrong as despite my disastrous situation other people's lives still go on. I tried to sound like I hadn't been crying and asked him if everything was alright but he noticed something was wrong straight away and told me he was coming over before hanging up.

It wasn't long before Pablo arrived and came straight into my apartment calling for me but I couldn't bring myself to get up from my position on the floor by the sofa. Once Pablo saw me he practically ran over and sat down next to me putting his arm around me to try and provide some comfort. For some reason having him by my side made me even more emotional and the tears began to flow again. Pablo then held me closer allowing me to cry into his chest which was just what I needed, he was there for me, he wasn't saying much he just provided some comfort which is all I want. He rubbed my back gently until I managed to gain control of my emotions enough to finally look at Pablo whose eyes were full of worry.

"Whenever you're ready please tell me what's going on" Pablo said

"It's a lot" I said

"That doesn't matter clearly you need to get whatever this is off your chest and I'm here to listen" he said

"I'm pregnant and y/bf/n left me saying he wants nothing to do with the baby" I finally admitted

"Wow what an asshole" Pablo whispered under his breath

"Are you ok how are you feeling?" He asked

"Right now I just feel numb I don't know what to do it's all just a lot to think about" I ranted

"Its ok I'm here for you why don't we just talk everything through" he said

After that I took a deep breath and Pablo who is usually always messing around and having fun was actually serious for once and ready to help me. He allowed me to say everything that was on my mind and bit by bit we began to figure things out. Pablo promised me that he would do everything he could to help me and even insisted that I move in with him as this apartment isn't mine. I didn't want to have to move in with Pablo but he keep insisting that I need support and to have someone around and eventually I gave in and agreed with him.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few months later

It's been a long hard few months. For pretty much my entire first trimester I spent the majority of my time laying on the sofa feeling exhausted and incredibly sick. However now that I'm approaching the halfway mark I have finally started to feel better and have been able to do a bit more. Pablo has been a godsend during all of this he's taken me to all of my appointments and done everything he possibly can to make me feel even a little bit better. On my really bad days he will spend as long as necessary sat holding my hair and rubbing my back as I throw up and when I'm tired during the day he will let me rest my head on his shoulder so I can nap. As much as those things have been nice the thing I appreciate the most is how he's been there for me mentally. When I moved in with Pablo I completely cut off my ex and anyone to do with him which was hard as it left me feeling pretty lonely but Pablo has been my rock as he's been able to help me see the positives of the situation and the right way to move forward.

Today is my 20 week scan where I should be able to find out the gender of the baby. Pablo begged me to make the scan for after his training as really wanted to be there. He's been to as many scans and appointments as he possible can but he missed the last few due to being away but he really wanted to find out the gender with me. Of course I had to oblige and make the appointment at a later time so Pablo is coming back straight after training to pick me up. Having Pablo at appointments has been nice as it makes everything slightly less daunting plus while I'm stressing he's able to actually listen to what the doctors and nurses are saying. The only downside is that all of the staff think Pablo is my boyfriend and the father of the baby and neither of us are brave enough to correct them as we don't want to have to explain the situation plus I would rather not have the judgment.

There are worse things than having people believe that Pablo's my boyfriend but it has certainly messed with my head. Since everything happened I've started to see Pablo in a new light and my feelings have drifted to beyond just friends. It's all very complicated as I can't tell whether my hormones have anything to do with my feelings plus I can't risk telling Pablo how I feel in case he doesn't feel the same and kicks me out as then I'd be truly alone. Day by day it's getting harder to keep my feelings to myself especially on days like today where Pablo is so excited to go with me to the appointment even though the baby isn't his. Pablo has treated me and the baby as though we are his the entire time which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I so badly wish that that was true but he's not mine no matter how much I think about it nothing will happen as Pablo doesn't need anything else on his plate right now.

Just as I was starting to spiral into my little dreamworld Pablo came home and helped me up as I'm starting to struggle a bit so we could head to the doctors together. Recently my bump has really started to grow making it a lot more obvious that I'm pregnant which has made me a bit insecure as I always think people are judging me when I'm in the streets. As we got in the car like always the baby started kicking like crazy so before we left I grabbed Pablo's hand and placed it on my stomach so he could feel the kicks as he mentioned how weird it must feel the other day so I wanted him to experience it.

"Wow that's so cool can you feel that all the time?" He asked

"Not all the time but it's been getting stronger recently and baby's always really active in the car and when I want to sleep" I said

"Aww so you like to keep your mama up at night already do you little one" he said to my stomach and I think I nearly exploded from the cuteness

"Oh yeah getting me ready for the months of no sleep soon" I laughed

Pablo laughed too as he started to drive towards the hospital but he kept his hand on my bump rubbing it gently which made the baby go crazy and had me feeling all sorts of things. I could tell that my cheeks were bright red and my heart was beating at a million miles an hour just because he had his hand on me. Having his hand on me made the car ride feel a million times longer but eventually we arrived at the hospital and I could begin to calm myself down so that the nurses didn't think I was dying or something.

The wait for my appointment wasn't too long so before I knew it I had the freezing cold gel on my stomach and the nurse was checking the babies development to make sure they are growing as they should be. Once the nurse had done all of the important checks she asked if I wanted to know the gender to which I obviously said yes. As I responded Pablo grabbed my hand which made me look over to see that he had the biggest smile on his face as he was so excited to find out what I was having. Looking at him only made me smile as his smile was that infectious and it made all the nerves I was feeling about being able to be a good mother disappear in an instant. Right after that the nurse happily told us that I was having a girl and we were both super happy but confused as we were sure it was a boy but clearly we were both wrong.

"Thats so exciting a little mini you" Pablo said once the nurse left

"I know I'm surprised I was sure it was a boy" I said

"Me too but you know now we have to go and buy loads of cute clothes and decorations for the nursery" Pablo said

"I'd love to but I don't have the money to buy loads of things" I admitted

"Don't you worry about that I'm happy to pay for everything and before you say anything I want to do this" he said as we were now getting back in the car

"I can't let you do that Pablo as much as I appreciate it you shouldn't spend your money on a baby that's not yours" I said

"But I want to plus I can't help but feel an attachment to the baby even if she's not genetically mine I already can't wait to meet her when she's born" Pablo admitted

"Thats so cute your going to make me cry" I choked out

"Please don't cry I love you and your little baby" Pablo was quick to say

"Wait I don't mean I love you oh who am I kidding I definitely love you and I get that nows probably not the best time to admit that but it's time I told you how I really feel" he said

"I love you too Pablo but if we are going to try this we need to take it slow" I said

"We can do whatever you want I just want to give this a go" he said

~~~~~~~~~~

Another few months later

The second half of my pregnancy has been so much better than my first Pablo and I started dating taking things slowly of course but I've never been happier in my entire life than I have been the last few months. Pablo has been so good to me I thought he was super sweet before but now he is an angel he literally waits on me hand and foot and does anything he can for me to make my life easier. Everyday when he comes home he takes over and does the chores even though I tell him I'm fine to do it and then every night he gives me a massage as I'm at the stage of pregnancy where everything hurts. He has also single-handedly put together the nursery, we picked out the colour and furniture together and then Pablo put it all together and even decorated the room which turned out perfectly. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend than Pablo I thought things would be difficult at some points as I still have a very obvious tie to my ex even if we don't speak but that hasn't bothered him at all and at this point he might as well be my daughters father.

Yesterday was my due date so I have officially reached the point of pregnancy where I could go into labour any minute. Luckily Pablo has a few days off so I'm kind of hoping that I go into labour soon so that he can be with me because I really don't want to give birth alone. This morning my back has been hurting more than usual which I have been told is signs of early labour but that could last a hours or even days before turning into active labour. I want to be done with being pregnant so badly that since we woke up I've been getting Pablo to help me do things that induce labour. I have gone up and down the stairs about a million times and we went on a walk so that I could walk with one foot in the road and one on the pavement as that supposedly helps too.

Someone recommended eating spicy foods so I sent Pablo out to get anything spicy for me to eat but once he'd left the back pain I had started turning into more like cramps all over which was a bit more painful. When I have pain I have been bouncing on a yoga ball so I got up from the sofa and all of a sudden felt liquid rush down my legs which I knew straight away was my waters breaking. Until that moment I'd been feeling quite calm about giving birth but now that it's actually happening I'm starting to freak out as so far it hurts more than I thought it would and my waters have only just broken. Once I calmed down a bit I grabbed my phone and called Pablo straight away as right now I just want him home so we are ready to go when things get more intense plus I need some support.

"Hey love is everything ok I'm just getting to the store" Pablo answered completely clueless

"Forget that I need you home like right now my waters have just broken" I said

"What?" He questioned

"I'm going into labour you idiot please just come home" I yelled

"Oh god I'm on my way I'll be as quick as I can" he said

"Thank you and I'm sorry for yelling I'm just a overwhelmed" I apologised feeling bad

"It's ok love I'll be there soon to help" Pablo said before hanging up

It felt like forever before Pablo was home but in reality it was only about 15 minutes until he burst through the door and ran over to be by my side. Just as he got to me I had another contraction so I instinctively grabbed Pablo's hand and squeezed it to help with the pain. As the pain began to fade away I loosened my grip until I was letting go of Pablo's hand who was looking at me with fear in his eyes clearly worrying about me. He helped me sit down as I'd been standing up walking around and got me some water because he didn't know what else to do. I was trying to keep myself calm as I know that's the best thing to do but seeing how worried Pablo was was making me feel bad.

"What do you need me to do amor?" he asked

"Everything is already in the car right" I said

"Yes everything is in the car and the car seat is installed too" he said

"Ok then I just need you to be here and time my contractions as when they reach five minutes apart we need to go to the hospital" I explained

"I can do that but please tell me if there's anything else you want" he said

My contractions stayed quite far apart for a long time but eventually things started to progress and my contractions became more painful and were getting closer together. By the time they were consistently 5 minutes apart it had been nearly 9 hours and it was pitch black outside. Usually at this time Pablo and I would be sleeping but instead we are both wide awake and he's helping me to the car so we can go to the hospital. It really started to feel real once we got in the car as the next time we're home there will be a baby with us in the backseat. There was no time for me to panic though as a contraction hit just as I was beginning to spiral which took my mind off everything but the pain I was feeling. I needed to hold Pablo's hand as for some reason being able to squeeze it makes me feel better and of course he obliged but he looked a bit nervous about having to drive one handed. He drove with a mixture of extreme care and speed as he wanted to be careful and I wanted him to get to the hospital before I have the baby in the car.

Once we arrived at the hospital everything happened so quickly we were given a room and then what felt like millions of people came in and out to check on me. I was hooked up to all sorts of monitors one to measure baby's heartbeat and another to show when I was having contractions which felt like a cruel joke as now not only could I feel them I got to see a visual representation too. Pablo was trying to be as helpful as possible but there wasn't much he could do other than let me squeeze his hand and rant at him about how much pain I was in. He was such a sweetheart no matter how much I was yelling as he was putting a cold flannel on my forehead and giving me ice chips which were weirdly nice to eat all while giving me encouraging words.

We were there for another few hours before I was fully dilated and ready to begin pushing. By this point I'd been in labour for over 12 hours and was completely exhausted so when I was told to push I wasn't sure I could manage it with the very little amount of energy I had left. Luckily I had a minute while the nurses were getting themselves ready so I looked up at Pablo hoping to gain some motivation and I was met with his beautiful smile which really did give me a boost.

"Come on amor I know you can do it, you're so strong, it will all be worth it when she's here in just a few minutes" Pablo encouraged as I was pushing

"It hurts so much and I'm so tired I don't think I can do it anymore" I panted trying to catch my breath

"I know carino it will all be over soon but you have to keep going for a bit longer I know you can do it" he said

"Thats it you're doing so well" Pablo continued

A few seconds later cries began to fill the room which was the best thing I've ever heard as it meant my baby was here and ok. The nurses then placed her on my chest and I got to see her beautiful face for the first time which was a truly magical moment and something I'll never forget. Tears begin falling down my face as I was so overwhelmed with happiness but they were quickly wiped away by Pablo who when I looked at him also had tears in his eyes which only made me more emotional. It truly felt like this was our little family however unorthodox this was our family and blood relation is never going to make a difference in that. Pablo was allowed to cut the umbilical cord and then the baby was taken from me so she could be weighed and have all the other tests they need to do done.

"I'm so proud of you you did amazing" Pablo said softly

"Thank you but I couldn't have done it without you" I said

"Don't say that I did nothing I just stood here, literally" he laughed

"Well that's exactly what I needed" I said

"Pablo I know this might seem a lot and you can definitely take some time to think about it but how would you feel about me putting you on the birth certificate and giving her your last name because she's more yous than that dickhead who provided his dna" I said

"I don't even need to think about that I would love her to be mine" he smiled

Suddenly I felt so at ease knowing that I had Pablo to support me and that he was happy to raise my little girl as if she were his own as that had been on my mind for the last 9 months. Pablo truly meant it when that night he told me he'd be here for me and despite everything I couldn't be happier with how it all turned out.

#pablo gavi imagines #pablo gavi imagine #gavi imagines #gavi imagine #pablo gavi #football imagine #gavi

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dwobbitfromtheshire · 10 months

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What if the boathouse scene went differently?

A/N: I tend to sexualize this scene too much because I don't want to think how scared they both were. Here's the boathouse scene, but with more emotions.

Steve was scared. He wasn't going to lie himself. The beer bottle was pressed against his throat as Eddie glared menacingly at him. He could also see that he wasn't the only one scared. He recognized the look in Eddie's eyes, the look that says he had seen something he couldn't quite understand. Steve understood that all too well. That fear of the unknown. It's why he did what he did next after dropping the oar.

Steve reached out a hand, and he felt Eddie react instinctively, pushing harder. He could hear them yelling behind him. Steve flipped up his hand and placed a gentle hand around Eddie's, the hand that was holding the bottle. He placed his other hand on Eddie's shoulder.

"It's okay," Steve said softly. "It's okay."

Eddie's face relaxed along with his stance, letting go of the bottle. His face crumpled.

"No, man, it's not," Eddie whimpered.

He collapsed against Steve, sobbing. He buried his face into Steve’s neck. Steve looked over Eddie's shoulder to look at Dustin with wide panicked eyes. Dustin mimed a hug and waved his hands at him. Steve rolled his eyes but wrapped his arms around Eddie and held him close. At least he wasn't holding a bottle to his neck anymore. Steve relaxed his arms and eased into the hug. He moved one of his hands and began stroking the back of his head. He felt a wave of affection and sympathy for the man in his arms. Eddie's whimpers began to slow with each stroke of his hair until it came to a stop. He was still holding onto Steve rather tightly.

Steve motioned at Dustin to give them a minute. He looked like he wanted to argue, but he looked at Eddie again and frowned. Dustin pushed the others out the door and gave Steve a nod on the way out. Steve eased Eddie back and looked at him. His big brown eyes were watery, sad, and full of fear. He could also see a little bit of anger simmering somewhere in there, but it wasn't directed at him. Steve pulled a tissue out of his sleeve.

"Are you a magician?" Eddie asked as they sat on the floor.

"No, I just babysit a bunch of kids," Steve replied, and Eddie took the tissue.

"Dustin was right. You really are like their mom," Eddie said.

"I feel more like a cattle wrangler," Steve said, and Eddie snorted.

"Who apparently cleans up their boogies," Eddie laughed.

"I did that once," Steve muttered, and Eddie laughed.

"I'm sorry about, uh, nearly killing you, and you know, getting snot on your jacket," Eddie said.

"You were scared," Steve said. "And I get it cleaned or get a new one depending on the damage."

"Can't get a new neck," Eddie quipped.

"Tell that to my mother," Steve said, and Eddie laughed, and then he kept laughing. "Eddie. . ."

"I'm not a violent man, Steve, I've never even thrown a punch. I like to act all tough, but the truth is I'm a coward," Eddie said. "So, I really am sorry for doing that, one wrong move, and I could have hurt you, man."

"We do a lot of things and say a lot of things when we're scared that we never thought we ever even imagine we could do. I never thought that I would be able to step up the first time something like this happened. I used to think I was a coward, too, and then I faced something bigger than that: losing someone I was starting to really care about. I grabbed a bat and started swinging with no questions asked," Steve said. "I don't know what happened to you, but I know you saw something."

"You've been through something like this before?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah, Hawkins is cursed, man," Steve replied.

"Dustin's been through this too?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah," Steve said.

"Shit," Eddie said and paused, rubbing his hands on his face. "It's hard to believe that Steve Harrington is a genuinely nice guy. I'm glad I was wrong about you. I was super jealous as hell, by the way. I didn't want to believe it."

"About what?" Steve asked.

"Dustin! He doesn't shut up about you," Eddie said. "He hero worships you."

"He does?" Steve asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Eddie said, smiling back at him.

"I was jealous too," Steve said. "He talks about you all of the time. I think he wants us to be friends."

"I think it's working," Eddie said. "I think I would do anything for that kid."

"Me too," Steve said.

Steve locked eyes with him, and there was fondness in there now. Looking at him now with fresh eyes, he suddenly realized how pretty Eddie was with his big eyes and his plump lips. Was he reading his mind? Eddie's cheeks turned pink, and he ducked his head.

"I must be crazy. Chatting with Steve Harrington," Eddie said. "Becoming friends. . .yeah, definitely crazy."

"Oh, you're definitely crazy," Steve said, grinning.

"Asshole," Eddie said with a hint of affection.

"That's all I used to be," Steve said.

"Ah, you weren't so bad," Eddie said. "It was that obnoxious untrained hyena you were friends with. You at least tried to reel him in."

"How do you - ?"

"I noticed," Eddie replied.

"I noticed you too," Steve said.

"Yeah?"

"It's hard not to when you climb on the tables in the cafeteria like they were a stage," Steve grinned. "It was funny when you walked right across Tommy's sandwich."

"Oh, was that Hagen? Oops," Eddie said.

"Oh, like you didn't do that on purpose," Steve said and laughed.

Then they were both laughing, falling again each as they did so until they were on the floor and clutching their stomachs. They lay side by side, staring up at the ceiling.

"Thank you for letting me cry on you," Eddie said.

"You're welcome. When I first went through this, I didn't have anyone to help me afterward. I just stopped being friends with Tommy and Carol. Nancy and I hadn't gotten back together yet. It was just me in my big empty house with a pool Barb Holland died in, and all I wanted to do was to have someone to cry on. Harrington men don't cry, though," Steve scowled.

"Where were your parents?" Eddie asked.

"My dad was away on business all the time, and my mom followed him around to make sure he didn't cheat," Steve said.

"Your dad fucked around on your mom too?" Eddie asked.

Steve looked at him to find that Eddie was also looking at him.

"Assholes," they said together.

Suddenly, the door burst opened, and Dustin appeared above them with his hands on his hips.

"Are you guys sleeping?!" Dustin asked, and they started laughing. "This is a serious situation?!"

Steve stood up and held out his hand, helping Eddie up. He pulled him into a tight hug. Yeah, this was definitely the start of something.

#stranger things #eddie munson #stranger things s4 #joseph quinn #eddie stranger things #eddie munson lives #steve harrington #steddie #steve x eddie #steve harrington x eddie munson #steddie fanfiction #pre steddie #dustin henderson

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ghostofskywalker · 5 months

Note

Hello Ghost!!!!

So good to see you around ☺️ truthfully I haven't been on Tumblr too much lately either due to .... Shall we say.... complications in life? To put it mildly :D just a small bit...I've had a lot of angst lately and illness I can't quite kick :D but I saw your winter ficlet fun and I'd love to join!!! I can't wait to see everything you'll come up with! I love your stories!

Can I request something with Hunter? Maybe some angsty holiday fun or misunderstandings or whatever XD with a happy ending? (There has to be a happy ending right? Because that's what hope is for? :D forgive the rambling of a sick woman :D) thanks in advance!

i hope you're doing okay now, i'm sending love your way <3 hopefully this is fluffy and hopeful enough for you!

words: 980

summary: After taking a chance and doing something brave, the batch has to leave on a mission. When Hunter comes back, the two of you finally get some time to talk.

What Feels Like Forever

clone troopers masterlist || request a winter ficlet

The longer you waited, the harder it was to get up and return to your regular duties. From a logical standpoint, sitting in the corner booth and staring at the door of the cantina was a useless endeavor, and it was doing no favors for your emotional state. You began to find yourself wrapped up in worries about the peril the Bad Batch was probably facing right now, and a pesky little thought about their fate (that you didn’t really want to contend with right now) took hold for a second in your brain.

You had managed to momentarily distract yourself a few times, usually when a customer came through the door wanting a drink, but it was quieter than usual in here. Maybe it was the upcoming life day celebration, but the clientele of this establishment had (unknowingly) abandoned you when you needed them the most. But as much as you wanted to, there was nothing you could do to push those terrifying thoughts out of your head, because of what had happened before the squad had left.

“Can I talk to you?” Hunter’s eyes moved towards yours, and you couldn’t help but admire how pretty his hair looked right now.

“Of course,” he said, stepping away from his brothers as they loaded up the ship with the necessary supplies for the mission. “What’s up?”

Even though you were now faced with the perfect opportunity to admit your feelings, you still couldn’t do it. “I just wanted to wish you all good luck,” was what you said instead, internally sighing at the way you chickened out.

Hunter smiled warmly at your words, nodding, “Thank you, we’re going to need all the luck we can get,” he said. “This is going to be a tough one.”

This was not what you wanted to hear. “Oh,” you said. “Do you think you’ll be home by life day?”

“I’m not sure. Tech wouldn’t say anything about the predicted outcome.”

Your heart sank in your chest, and you spoke in a voice much brighter than you actually felt. “Well, we can celebrate with you all when you return!”

He nodded. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

One of the others called his name from inside the ship, and the former Sergeant turned to move away from you. You considered the implications of his words, understanding the heartbreaking truth that every time they left on that ship they were taking a pretty big risk, and this particular one was steeper than most.

Oh kriff it.

You reached out to grab his hand, rushing towards him as he turned back to face you. You leaned in and placed a quick kiss on his lips, but that moment of bravery was gone just as quick as it arrived.

You didn’t see the look on his face as you turned tail and sprinted away, wondering why you would do something so stupid.

You wanted them to come back, but the sight of the Batch walking through the door would also mean that you would have to talk to Hunter, because he didn’t seem like the type to let something like that go. Hopefully you would be able to say something about how you weren’t thinking and you could still remain friends. Of course there was the small but persistent hope that he would feel the same way, but you tried not to put too much stock in that fantasy.

Besides, Life Day was tomorrow, and there was still no word about when this mission would be over. There was no use acting like this, at least not until you had a little more of an idea about what was going on.

You had finally gotten up from where you’d spent most of the day moping, and you were about to walk into Cid’s office (to ask her if you could just go home for the day) when you heard the door to the cantina open, and you watched five familiar figures step inside.

All you could do was stare as Echo, Tech, Omega, and Wrecker walked by you, clearly heading towards your employer’s office. Hunter was the only one who had taken off his helmet, and you braced yourself for the reception of a harsh truth. There was no way he’d forgotten about everything, right? No, you weren’t that lucky.

Instead, you were wrapped up in the arms of plastoid armor, and before you could really register what was happening, Hunter’s lips were on yours, but this time things lasted a lot longer (and you certainly weren't complaining.

“What-” you started to sputter when the two of you finally broke apart.

“That was something I should have done before I left,” he said, a look in his eyes you never wanted to forget.

“But I ran away from you.”

“And I could have caught up,” he said with a smile. “But I was nervous about the mission and it took me by surprise, so I just stood there.”

“I shouldn’t have done-”

This time it was the look in his eyes (rather than his words) that stopped you from finishing your sentence. “If you hadn’t, we might still be on that mission right now,” he said.

“What?”

“I was so desperate to get back here and kiss you for real, I pushed the squad to get this thing done as quick as we could handle,” he said. “They hated me for some time, but once I explained, I think they understand my reasons - I wanted to get back here for Life Day, for you.”

Not knowing what to say, you just leaned in to kiss him again, and that continued until the rest of his family returned from Cid’s office. Teasing comments were made, but you barely even paid attention to them.

You couldn’t be happier, and there wasn’t a thing in the galaxy that could change that.

- the end -

i no longer have a taglist! if you're interested in being notified when i post, you can follow my library blog @ghostofskywalker-library and turn on notifications!

#winterficlets23 #tbb hunter #tbb hunter x reader #tbb hunter x you #hunter x reader #sergeant hunter x reader #the bad batch x reader #star wars x reader #clone trooper x reader

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doumadono · 6 months

Note

hii it’s the twice & dabi anon again.

i’m sorry to ask for another emergency request but i’ve been having so much difficulty with my mom over the past year and a half, maybe two. it’s only been getting worse and now she doesn’t even talk to me. i only get updates from my little sisters and— oh my god it’s just horrible. i feel so bad that i had to leave them. but, i just couldn’t stay, you know?

could you maybe write something about twice & dabi comforting their partner/gf about the situation??

you don’t have to write for both!! either or is perfect!!

i just love the comfort you’re willing and able to provide. (even though you don’t have to. it’s truly heartwarming seeing you do this all. i really appreciate what you do.)

i really hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. please be sure to eat properly and drink water!!

A/N: I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It's important to prioritize your well-being, and I hope things get better for you soon. Also, thank you so much for your kind words! Your appreciation means a lot. Even though I'm not doing well lately, I'll make sure to take care of myself. Wishing you all the best too! 🌟

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Twice

Amid the chaos that permeated your mind, Jin Bubaigawara appeared with a boisterous greeting that momentarily broke the heavy silence that surrounded you. "Hey, babe! Twice is here to lift your spirits!" he declared with his characteristic energy, though his eyes held a genuine concern as he noticed the weight on your shoulders.

As you poured out the complexities of your strained relationship with your mom, Twice listened attentively, his empathy shining through. "Dang, that sounds tough. But you know what? You're strong for facing it head-on, I admire that," he remarked, his voice carrying a mix of reassurance and admiration.

He enveloped you in a tight hug, and his voice softened, "You did what you had to do for your own well-being. Don't beat yourself up about it." He pulled back, looking into your eyes. "You're not alone, okay? The League's got your back, and so do I."

Twice pondered, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps you'd like to engage in something? Not sure what exactly. Toga mentioned once that staying busy is beneficial - it keeps your mind from wandering into overthinking territory. And hey, if you ever need a clone to handle some mom-related drama, I got you covered. Double the trouble, double the fun!"

Dabi

The faint glow of Dabi's cigarette illuminated his face as he leaned against the wall, his stoic demeanor unwavering. "Come here, doll," he said, gesturing to the spot next to him.

As you recounted the painful saga of your relationship with your mom, Dabi listened in silence. When you finished, he took a slow drag of his cigarette before speaking. "Family can be a real mess, I know that. Sometimes, you gotta step back to save yourself."

He placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "Leaving doesn't make you weak, ya know? It takes strength to break away from toxicity, in fact." His voice was low, carrying a raw honesty that resonated with your own emotions.

His long fingers traced soothing patterns on your back as he continued, "You're not alone in this. The past doesn't define you, and you're building a future for yourself, not for them, yeah?"

Dabi's lips curled into a smirk. "We're both well aware of the hell it is to deal with toxic nonsense within our own families. Parents messing up their own kids? That's a special kind of mess."

He lightly tapped your nose. "Take it easy, and find ways to keep that beautiful head of yours focused on other things. Overthinking is just a slow way to kill your own self. Don't let it consume you."

He extinguished the cigarette and looked directly into your eyes. "Just so ya know, if you ever need someone to lean on, I'm here. We're in this together."

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nahoney22 · 11 months

Note

Heyyy, I just wanted to say I love your writing. I know you have a lot of requests right now so please make sure to make time for yourself and take breaks!!

I'm going through a really hard time right now. And your works have been comforting me a lot. I don't want to overshare too much but I am very overwhelmed with the events going on in my life. My boyfriend asked me last night if I was okay and I just broke down.

I was wondering if you could write headcaonons about how the bad batch would react and comfort the reader in a similar situation? Like maybe they notice the reader has been closed off or just not themselves and when they check on them the reader breaks down?

If you're not comfortable writing this then no worries, I understand. Thank you 💕

Comforting Soulmates

All Bad Batch Boys X GN!Reader

The boys comfort you when you’re at your lowest.

Warnings: angst and emotional reader with hints of insecurity and fears for the future but fixed with some fluff and comfort. Established relationships.

authors note: so sorry for the delay anon. I sincerely hope you’re having better days now. 💜

Dividers by @saradika and @itbmojojoejo - super cute and I fancied a change.

Echo

When Echo asked you what was bothering you, having noticed your distant gazes and lack of interest in things. What he didn’t expect however was the tsunami of tears to pour down your cheeks at his question. Reacting quickly, he sat beside you and gently placed his hand on your back as you buried your face in your hands, struggling to catch your breath.

“Cyare, what is it?” He murmured, offering comfort by rubbing soothing circles on your back. It takes you a while but eventually, you begin to tell him that everything was too much, everything was moving too quickly and you just want it all to stop.

He patiently listened, refraining from interrupting, as you poured out your frustrations. Only the sound of your soft sniffles reverberated within the confines of the ship as you finally ceased your tears.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, I wish I had asked you sooner.” He sighed, guilt biting away at him but this was about you now, and he wanted to give you the best advice he could.

“I know things are tough, especially after everything we’ve been through… but better days are definitely coming. It might not be today, or tomorrow but it is coming.”

You smile softly, wiping your tears with the back of your hand and lean into him. “Thank you, Echo.”

“It’s okay, I’m always, always here.”

Wrecker

Wrecker barely had a chance to even ask about what was upsetting you. The moment he stepped onto the ship's plank, your arms enveloped him, seeking solace in his embrace big arms and warm body. As he felt his shirt grow damp against his chest, he realised you were crying and his heart sunk. "Baby? What's wrong?"

Without hesitation, he scooped you up in his arms, carrying you away from prying eyes to find a private space. Seated on his bunk, he cradled you in his lap, providing a secure haven for you to find comfort.

"Just... everything," you whimpered, your emotions erupting and overwhelming you.

“Like…?" he asked softly with a small prompt, caressing your thigh and tenderly wiping away your tears with his thumb. "Ya can tell me."

As you poured out your thoughts, he listened patiently, allowing you to express yourself fully. Despite not always being the most patient person himself, he always showed an unwavering amount of patience for you.

"I did notice that you haven't been yourself in the past few days. I wanted to do something special to cheer you up!" he exclaimed, a bright grin spreading across his face, infectious enough to bring a smile to your own.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! I want to take ya out for a meal and just explore and have fun together! There's no one else I'd rather be with. You mean everything to me. Never forget that."

He planted a gentle kiss on your temple, letting his words sink into your consciousness.

Hunter

Hunter's senses alerted him to the irregularity of your breathing from across the ship. Concerned that you might have injured yourself, he hurried towards you, only to halt at the foot of the bunk you both shared. His gaze fell upon your trembling shoulders as tears soaked the pillow beneath you.

"Hey, shh, come here," he beckoned, settling beside you and gently rolling you over to face him, his eyes locked with yours. "What's the reason for these tears?"

He had sensed a mounting emotional turmoil within you for some time, yet he lacked the courage to inquire about it, fearing that you might not be ready to share. Mentally berating himself, he regretted not asking sooner, as witnessing you in tears tugged at his heartstrings.

"I don't feel good enough," you confessed, your words causing his eyebrows to furrow and sadness to fill his eyes.

"Who made you feel that way?"

“Nobody, it's just... I just don't feel good enough," you sighed, sniffling as his hand cradled your face while the other lovingly ran through your hair.

"I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, but as I've said before, you are more than enough. Who you are is perfect in every single way, and even the imperfections you perceive only enhance your perfection. Please don't cry. I'm here for you."

Tech

Tech sensed that something was amiss, yet he couldn't quite put his finger on it. As usual, you were seated together in the cockpit, but this time, you remained unresponsive to his ramblings. No smiles, no interjections—just silence.

"Is something wrong?" he inquired, setting aside the tools he had been holding. You looked at him and shook your head, but the glimmer in your eyes and the quiver of your lower lip betrayed your true feelings.

Suddenly, you burst into sobs, hastily covering your mouth to stifle the sound. Tech, bewildered, took a seat beside you. "That wasn't the reaction I expected," he remarked aloud, but he carefully spun your chair to face him. "Now, please tell me what's troubling you, my dear."

A part of him anticipated silence, but instead, you launched into a passionate rant about life's unfairness, its cruelty, and your overwhelming fear for the future and the war. Tears streamed down your face, and Tech leaned forward gently, using his hand to dab them away.

"I understand your concerns," he began, his voice calm and reassuring. "But as long as you're with me, there's nothing to be afraid of. I will protect you from any harm that may come your way. As for the war, it's something we have no control over. I know it might not be what you want to hear, but we must adapt to the life ahead, together."

Rising to his feet, Tech took your hands in his and helped you stand. Cupping your cheek with both hands, he used his thumbs to wipe away the remaining tears. He leaned in, pressing a gentle series of kisses on your forehead, nose, and finally, your lips. "One day at a time, my darling... Let's do something about these tears."

Crosshair

Crosshair observed you pacing back and forth, clearly consumed by your own emotions. He remained silent, choosing to watch and analyse your emotions, waiting for the moment you'd make eye contact. When your gazes finally met, words were unnecessary.

The unspoken question in his eyes caused you to break down in tears, making you to turn away, feeling ashamed and silly over your tears in front of him. But, he was your boyfriend. And seeing you cry upset him.

Slowly, he stands tall, taking a step forward and approached you. He heard your sniffles and mumbled apologies as you heard him coming but you stop speaking as he placed a hand on your shoulder, gently turning you to face him.

Without uttering a single word, he drew you close to him. Words were never his strong suit, so he decided to rely on the power of his embrace to provide solace.

As your sobs gradually subsided, you leaned against his chest, finding comfort in his presence. You felt a sense of calm as he rested his chin atop your head and whispered softly,

"It's going to be okay. I love you. I have you."

Masterlist

Tags: @andyoufollowyourheart @littlefeatherr @kaitou2417 @eyecandyeoz @captxin-rex @cwarssimp @jesseeka @ashotofspotchka a @oohyesplease @theroguesully @mustluvecho @ladykatakuri @jambolska-grozdova @arctrooper69 @padawancat97 @rain-on-kamino @either-madness-or-brilliance @staycalmandhugaclone @ko-neko-san @echos-girlfriend @fiveshelmet @dangraccoon @plushymiku-blog @chrissywakingup @kixs-husband @pb-jellybeans @nunanuggets @tech-aficionado @grizabellasolo @therealnekomari @tech-depression-inventory @brynhildrmimi @greaser-wolf @tinyreadersmur @seriowan @kaminocasey @marvel-starwars-nerd @ladytano420 @ladyzirkonia @raevulsix @imalovernotahater @crystal076 @blustalker @the-good-shittt @s1st3r @by-the-primes @the-bad-batch-baroness

#nahoney22 writes #the bad batch headcanons #bad batch x reader #bad batch x gn reader #echo bad batch #wrecker bad batch #tech bad batch #crosshair bad batch #Hunter bad batch

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feverdreamjohnny · 9 months

Text

Orbo's Odyssey - Post Mortem

My Feelings About The Game

It's an odd thing to try and pull together your thoughts about something so chaotic.

I guess it'd be easier to just catalogue how my emotions evolved as the project went on, and then wrap it up by trying to pull apart how I feel now, as arcane as that is.

I've been a part of a private developer community for a bit now, and during a majority of my time there I felt sort of like a fish out of water. I guess it was just weird seeing people at the top of their craft while my work sort of paled in comparison. A majority of them had a background in developing character action games or platformers with intricate movement systems, and that was absolutely outside the range of what I understood.

Late 2022 I decided to try and make a movement system with a really strong focus on momentum so I could feel "at home" with the other devs. So I made a small tech demo where most of Orbo's moveset was formed.

In the end it didn't really make me feel more confident in my work, but at least I proved to myself that I could tackle unfamiliar waters and make headway. Regardless, I left the tech demo where it was and continued to work on Nowhere, MI for the next few months.

I made a lot of progress on Nowhere, and around late November a publisher reached out to me to offer help. I was desperate, after all. I didn't have a lot of money to my name and this was the kind of lifeline I needed to secure so I could finish the game.

To cut a long story short, they kept delaying talks about the game over and over and it became increasingly clear to me that my dream of being funded wasn't going to happen.

I was sort of in a bad spot now. It was early 2023 at this point, and I was going to have to make a tough decision: delay Nowhere and get a retail job to make money (potentially losing sight of the project in the process), or find some other solution to secure funding. No other publishers were going to pick me up (and I really didn't trust a majority of them so I only had my sights set on a handful I felt I could trust), so I came to a new conclusion:

What if I just made something short, say in the span of a month or two, and sell it? Surely that would be easy.

Surely.

The Game

In March of 2023, I began working on the game. I wasn't sure what sort of format I wanted for the game at first, and I had initially considered a rogue-like arena combat game where you'd use the game's momentum mechanics to fight enemies, collect upgrades to improve your abilities, rinse and repeat.

The idea ended up feeling sort of strange when I began pre-production, so I ended up scrapping it.

I thought about the movement system some more and realized that it had a strange kinship to a game I had played just a month earlier: Super Kiwi 64.

Then I thought about Siactro's other games, how they were similarly small-scope platformers that seemed to perform well on Steam and Switch, and I realized that if there was something that would suit my own development style (focused around exploration and secrets), it was a 3D platformer.

The first month was fairly strong. I moved at lightning-speed, hammering systems into the game piece by piece. Collectables were done. Time trials (and their records) were done. Movement had been refined further and felt better than in the initial tech demo. There was also a lot of underlying structuring that I won't get into because it's boring (but important).

About a week in I even started working with my friend Tim (who's a professional environment artist), and we began working together on the hub environment (we brainstormed the layout, I designed the greybox, and he wrapped it up with the environment art).

It was going great, but as March was nearing its end I began to realize what I was dealing with.

"Oh, well yeah I mean I knew it wasn't going to be possible in a month! I'm sure if I grit my teeth it'll be done by the end of April!"

So April came along. Tim and I finished the hub area, I got the world portals set up, and eventually we moved to the first level of the game, Shlarp City.

Tim managed to get a decent chunk of the decorative props done, but circumstances were changing and he had a fulltime job in the industry to attend to, so he had to leave the project.

I reasoned "well, I sort of know how to do environment art and I guess I can just go on without help."

Shlarp's greybox was done, and I was sort of happy about the layout. Some friends playtested the game and liked the movement, so I felt a bit more optimistic about the project.

Despite the boost in optimism, I was starting to feel some kind of dread leaking in. My nights were becoming more frantic and troubled, more than they already had been.

I moved onto the next level, reasoning that it'd be best to get the greyboxes for all of the levels finished first, then return for an art pass afterwards. It was the sensible thing to do, after all.

So I began work on Dunbarrow Mines, and this time I was alone. I finished the greybox, and while I wasn't a huge fan of the level, at least it was done. I moved onto Sleepytime Manor and similarly got the greybox finished. Even since the beginning of the month, something was starting to grow inside of me. April was coming to a close, and I still had another level to greybox, a boss fight, secret areas to add, and an art pass on the entire thing. I hadn't really developed much of a game at that point, just 3 barren levels.

And so May came along.

And this was where it all went to hell.

I had been suffering from a lot of issues in my personal life for a while. The year prior had been particularly traumatic and the waves coming from it weren't done passing over yet. If anything the terror was that the major event from the last year hadn't even finished coming to fruition. The stress from everything had caused me to develop a disorder that made my blood acidic, melting away at my nerves. I fought hard and managed to improve my health, but the damage was done and the occasional return of the neuropathy was just a reminder that my life was spiraling downward.

I entered a period of intense stress and depression as waves of terrible memories came over me. I became neurotic. Started having trouble designing levels. It was already an issue for me, but as my mental state deteriorated I was hitting brick walls over and over.

I had my back against the wall. Game development was my only purpose in life, after all. I had been built for it, sacrificed so many hours to it, put everything else aside for it. The only thought going through my head was that I was dying, and that this stupid game was going to be my graveyard.

So roughly two months came by, with sparing work on the game. I finished Monolith station, but it had to be redesigned 3 times to reach the version you currently see in the game today.

The neurosis made me insane. Constantly seeing my peers succeeding while I flailed desperately in a pit was definitely not helping matters.

But something changed in June.

The Garden

I always had an on-and-off again relationship with plants. I had a sort of preternatural skill with growing things, but my interest waxed and waned a lot. The main thing that stuck through this on-and-off relationship were herbs, since they were easy to cultivate and they needed very little maintenance during the periods where I was losing interest.

As I began to take game development more seriously around halfway into 2021, I stopped gardening entirely.

But something very strange happened in the June of 2023. I was frantically compelled to return to it. I raked, toiled and weeded until I had a plot. Then I started buying seeds and began cultivating vegetables again for the first time in 2 years.

And for the first time in this nightmare I was finally happy about something. I don't know what compelled me to start cultivating plants again, but whatever it was, it rescued me from a very long, dark road.

After 2 weeks, I finally finished the final boss of Orbo's Odyssey.

The game needed a lot more work, but I was finally getting a foothold after months of misery.

Eventually my friend Ben was able to help me with the project, and we made a lot of headway. We brainstormed new ideas for how the player could get gear parts. He modeled a load of props. I scripted a load of systems. Finally, the game actually began to look like a game.

Ben was really important. He was optimistic about the project and wasn't suffering from burnout the way I did, and he helped me get out of my fugue. I can't thank him enough for his help.

After around half a year of hammering, we finished the game.

3 weeks after that, we released it to steam.

And about 2 weeks after the release, we're here now.

The Takeaway

Typically in post-mortems you talk about what you would've done differently, but I think this ending might be a bit different.

I'm not really proud of the level design. I think I also could've done better with my share of the environment art in some levels. I think there could've been more details. I think there could've been more content.

But there's no use kicking myself for what could've been. Of course the next game will be better. The mental state I was in during the development of this game was dire and it had a major impact on the quality of my work. I had to break out of a really bad mindset and try to find a better way of engaging with my life. That wasn't easy.

I think some gamers like to imagine that something that's fun to play was fun to make. It's true that sometimes there are moments where you get excited during game development, but at the end of the day the majority of it is just pure work and toil.

In the end, the reviews on Orbo were very kind. Even the negative reviews were at bare minimum sorta funny.

Hilariously the reviews that bothered me the most were actually positive. The perspective of these reviews was that the game was really the story of some little kid taking his thumb out of his mouth and naively making something he thought was fun. It mainly felt like a way for the reviewers to excuse the weaker elements of the game.

These are the reviews I hate the most. I don't care that they were positive. They're infantilizing. It makes it come across as though the shoddier elements of the game weren't a product of a person having a mental breakdown, but of a child smacking blocks together and making mistakes because he didn't know better.

If you really view art like that, I want you to lean in very closely and listen: Most of the time, people suffered to make something you could enjoy. You're welcome to praise or shun the art by itself, but don't patronize the creator for their effort. I didn't have fun making Orbo. I hated it. And even though I hated it I still tried to put passion into it, because I care about my work.

Anyway I'm glad it's over with. If I attempted to develop the game now it would probably be significantly better, but that's mostly because I've found better methods of managing my mental health.

I have to get back to work on Nowhere, and eventually I have to work on Peeb Adventures. For now, though, I'm taking a break. I'm tired.

Before I go I just want to thank some people.

Thank you Ben for being supportive and helping me make this game happen. I couldn't have done it without you, and I mean it.

Thank you Socpens and Grayfruit for streaming the game and for your kind words. It really means a lot to me, and it gave me a lot more confidence about Orbo's Odyssey post-release.

Thank you Tim for helping early on. I know it was a brief period between us, but I do appreciate the work you did.

Thank you (in no particular order) Bryce, Simone, Jett, Aaron, Quinn, Drew, Ian, and Cosme for being supportive of my work.

Thank you for the folks in the private dev server who were particularly supportive as well.

Thanks for reading.

#orbosodyssey

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