#but when am i going to realise that i am the common denominator here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aonoexpat · 1 year

Text

Feeling untethered

12-05-2023

I'm long overdue for a blog update, I'm going to be honest: I've had a really rough couple of weeks, and I've simultaneously been wanting to wait until it's over and I'm feeling better so I can give y'all positive texts and happy pictures, and to write an honest and open update but feeling too low to actually sit down and do it. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at right now headspace-wise, but I'm gonna give it a try!

The common denominator over the past weeks is that I've been feeling tired and depleted. I'm leaking energy and unable to refill it quickly enough, due to a couple of reasons:

Work/money 💸 : I work about 25 hours a week, divided over both a bartending and a catering job. Beside that I try to go busking twice a week. Even though I enjoy all three of those things most of the time, I can't deny that they are tiring. Especially the catering job, since the service they aim to provide is a bit more high-end. And even though I clearly need my down time, I constantly feel like I'm not working enough. That road trip wasn't cheap, and, having been brought up Dutch, I felt (and still feel, frankly) the need to replenish my funds asap, which is hard to do when 1 grocery run of a couple of essentials costs me a day's wages, and my weekly(!) rent is $165, excluding power etc. That brings my monthly rent to ~$719, which equals about €417, and that's only because the Aotearoa Dollar isn't doing great at the moment. It's worth noting this is by far the cheapest room I could find (anything under $200 a week is a steal). Te Whanganui-a-tara is generally not a cheap place to live. Every time I feel like I'm gaining some ground financially, something comes up, like a broken amp for busking that needs replacement, or a week of few work shifts. I haven't managed to break even since I got to the country. I'm hoping I might manage this month, but I'm nowhere near saving any substantial amount.

Living situation 🏠 : my new living space is much closer to everything, which saves me time energy and money in bus fares, but it's not a house I'd call home, unfortunately. My flatmates are messy and unorganised (which, as I have learned today, attracts pests), and often fail to understand that loud noises (like them throwing up in the bathroom at 03:30 AM) aren't magically stopped by a half-closed door. I tend to be on edge when I'm home, which makes relaxing and re-energising a challenge. I try to make myself feel better by burning some incense and listening to music (nostalgic Dutch music if I can help it) with my noise cancelling headphones, which helps me feel more isolated and safe, but it's not a long-term solution.

Reflection 🪞 : being back in Te Whanganui-a-tara, I've gone right back to hanging out with settled people, even though I had a reminder of what it's like to chill with other travelers in Tāmaki-makau-rau. I don't really have as easy a way to get in touch with them here because I'm not staying in a backpackers. Because of that I think I've slipped into a strange limbo state of trying to feel at home here, and being bothered by failing at that, while simultaneously planning to get out of here. I find myself trying to build a life here as though I was in The Netherlands, and then realising that's not why I came here, and beating myself up about not making the most of my time here. Even though I did come here with the question in mind if this place could be home, so I should be evaluating that. But I'm pretty certain Te Whanganui-a-tara will not be home. So I tell myself to get out of here, but to do that I want to save up money, so for now I have to stay (though I'm starting to think I might be falling victim to a sunk-cost fallacy there). Besides that, my brain has just gotten moderately comfortable again in a new place, and is reluctant to mess everything up all over again. It's like when I left home I dipped my toes in the cold water of being on the road, traveling and the discomfort that comes with it, and then once I got here I quickly pulled back and said no, actually, this place is warm enough. But that won't do. It's interesting to observe though, and all the thoughts that come along with it. I'm having existential crises and revelations on the daily about what I want in my life, and realisations about what's important to me. I never used to have that back home. I did experience it on my last backpacking trip, but it's different this time. Last time I still had a clear path to return to: when the trip was over, I'd go to uni back home. Now, my future is one big question mark (not even talking about all the large scale societal threats). These questions and ponderings are a large reason why I wanted to go travel in the first place. But by god, it's exhausting. And scary.

I miss my family and my friends, I've started to realise how utterly alone I can feel here. I'm doing everything on my own, I'm dragging myself to work every day, I push myself to go out there and play music, I pick myself up when I'm a crying mess on the floor, I cook for myself, and I motivate myself to keep going, to evaluate what I want, and to find the next right thing. And sometimes I forget that that takes a toll on a person. I'm in an unfamiliar environment, with unfamiliar people, a whole new political climate, a different culture that undeniably has its own challenges, no matter how idyllic Aotearoa can seem from a distance.

And I'm actually goddamn proud of that. I'm strong. Because despite all of my challenges, I'm staying on top of everything. I'm never late for work, I answer all my emails, I pay weekly visits to the bank to exchange my busking coin, and I do my laundry. Go me 💪

So. What now?

I've been quite eager to find somebody to travel together with. I know public transport is very limited here, so traveling by car is pretty much a must. I am personally very uncomfortable in a car though, so I'm a bit defiant to give in. Driving is not my style, let alone flying short distances, and I feel like I would be able to get around without either of those. And I probably would, but it would make things a lot more difficult, that I can't deny. So if I have to drive, I would definitely prefer to have a travel buddy, so when the car breaks down we can panic together.

However, the other day a coworker asked me how I feel about traveling alone, and I told them I loved it. It's my favourite way to travel because you get to choose your own path and don't need to care about anybody else's plans… and then I realised I wasn't actually doing any of those things, and finding a travel buddy would completely defeat the purpose. A while back, I wrote an entry in my personal diary saying "I don't want to live in a city, I want a van with the back door opening to a sunset and a pillow and a cup of tea." So after talking to my friend yesterday, I did a full 180 and suddenly set my sights on trying to procure a van for myself. And even though it scares the absolute shit out of me to the point where the thought actually makes me cry, it also looks 100 times sunnier (metaphorically, it's 100% winter over here) in my mind than any of my previous plans. Only now I'm realising that my plan of getting a rideshare to the next town and doing the same thing there actually made me dream about going back home. And that's not the way I want to feel.

The past days I've felt sick so I've allowed myself to lie in bed and rest up (dw, covid test came back negative), but the coming week I'll hopefully actively start the hunt. My mind still swings back and forth between 'driving around in a van is an absolute dream' and 'driving around in a van is my worst nightmare', so I'm just letting it swing and I'll see where it lands, I suppose!

I've needed the past month to figure myself out. It's funny how, looking back, it feels like I've been wasting time here. Now that I have a bit of an idea of a next step, it's easy to forget what it was like not to know, and it seems like I've been making the wrong choices by letting myself get tired and depleted and have not the best time here. But rationally I know that every day I've spent here has been necessary to get me to where I am now. It's just like when I'm sick and I spend a day resting, and then I feel better, and it seems like there was no reason why I couldn't have been productive that day. But the rest is an essential part of the process, as much as perfectionism tries to deny that. So I'm giving myself positive affirmations and biding my time (and basking in Eurovision distractions 🤩) until I feel energised again!

Some happier notes because I can't help it:

Like I mentioned, the amp I used for busking broke so I needed to get a new one, and opted for the Vox Mini3 G2. It's a kilo lighter and almost twice as small as my old one, which has ultimately made my busking experience a lot nicer!

I made a necklace out of the pumice and sand from the beach of Taupō-nui-a-Tia and I'm actually really happy with how it turned out:

I paid another visit to Zealandia and got a closer look at the Takahē, I'm BEGGING you to turn the sound on and hear the little noises they make:

We went to Red Rocks at night to see the Southern lights, but they weren't visible with the naked eye. My friend's camera captured this though:

I'm off to bed now, I have another long day of work waiting for me tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me ❤️

#aotearoa #backpacking

5 notes · View notes

talenlee · 1 year

Text

Game Pile: Crystal Caves

New Post has been published on PRESS.exe: Game Pile: Crystal Caves

I will wring anticapitalist blood out of this fucking stone if I have to.

Crystal Caves follows the story of one Mylo Steamwitz, whose name I’m told is an extraordinarily tortured pun, as he, in an attempt to get rich, and quick, heads to the titular crystal caves, to gather up crystals, in the caves. Each game is built around him needing start-up money to invest in a new scheme; in the first game, it’s the Troubles with Twibbles, creatures that are clearly a reference to the Tribbles of Star Trek. The next, he wants to farm medically relevant slugs. In the third, he’s looking to invest in real estate with no money down, and for each of these ventures, he has just the money from selling the last one, and whatever it takes to get to the Crystal Caves and begin his exploration anew.

For what it is, Crystal Caves is kind of an impressively mid title; no disrespect meant to anyone for whom it’s a favourite, but when you look at what 1991 had to offer in terms of videogames, or even just Commander Keen, the game presented here’s main draw is that it’s big. You can see the whole world as being made out of a grid, more or less, and Mylo is one unit by one unit big, and therefore, almost everything else in the world is built on that scale. This also means that Mylo has a head half the size of his body and his hands reach his ankles, which is charming in animation but also kind of underscores that you are piloting around a Unit Of Player.

Animation in the game is kind of lifeless and the levels are usually linear and built around trial and error. The game is full of dead-end situations, too; you can run out of bullets in a level where there’s no alternative way to solve a puzzle, and just like that, you need to restart the level. You need to collect all of the gems in a level, but since many of them are linear and rely on drops, if you miss one, you might be unable to ever return to get it back, meaning that you have to reset the whole level to check it out. There’s a lot of dirty level designer tricks too, with hazards hidden behind things or in the dark so your only option is to get hit by them the first time, then just remember where they are next time.

Your reward for finishing each round of the game was a single splash screen of Mylo, with the result of his get-rich-quick scheme, finding it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, oh no! But don’t worry, he can try again, in the next chapter, if you care to.

I’m not trying to be mean here as much as I am trying to represent the honest feeling I have around this game: Crystal Caves is one of the particular cadre of games that unlocks a sense memory for poor kids who had a 3.5 inch floppy disk drive sometime between 1991 and 2001, when CD burners started to be more widely available.

The game, originally made by Apogee Software was made for the shareware market using the early technology for side-scrolling software developed for the EGA graphics card by the man who knows when Santa is sleeping and knows when he’s awake, sentient graphing calculator and paradox shaping the lens through which we unfold mathematics John Carmack. This technology was a year old, and the EGA card was still widespread, and that made it for a time the lowest common denominator you could put a game out on. Game was small, game was easy to make, the animation was cheap and you fought a surprising number of enemies that could be described as ‘an orb’ or ‘two frames.’

If you’re ever wondering why characters in this period looked often weird colours, with either a stark orange, white, or grey, it’s usually because they were made to appear on EGA Graphics and also the people making games were pretty racist and didn’t consider the two browns EGA had going on would be pretty good for black characters.

Anyway.

Why then dredge up this game from 1991 that was so bland even the protagonist was grey? It was on sale on gog during new years and I realised I’d never bothered to play the last part of it. Hell, I don’t think I’d ever seen the last part of it. I knew the shareware version, sure, the shareware version was widely distributed. Probably because it was free, and most people I know who played it finished it, because it was modestly interesting and that was it. In a period of my life where one of the most commonly exchanged things to establish long term friendship was stolen software, nobody I knew bothered to steal Crystal Caves. Maybe it was because each of the new levels would feature no new things, and therefore, would be the same mechanics, the same monsters, and the same systems, meaning that of the three unexciting episodes, the shareware version is the superior form in that it has less mediocre content to finish.

But there is still something here.

Something kinda baffling.

See, Mylo wants to Get Rich Quick. He’s buying into schemes. He’s buying farms and real estate. But he’s also going into a mine with a gun and fighting monsters and endangering his life, and his score is represented by a currency. This currency is used to measure everything: You get miner’s supplies and it gives you currency. You find undocumented crystal gems? More currency. Defeating monsters doesn’t get you currency, but finding rare mushrooms and destroying eggs does. Unlocking abandoned treasure chests? Currency (and well, good, really).

The buying power of this currency, though, has to be completely out of whack. It uses $ signs to measure them, which makes sense, but if I had made a million dollar’s worth of gems in an hour of work I would knock off for the year. That’s a pretty good gig. Mylo is buying farms and moons though so obviously the cost is very high but also if you can afford to buy a moon you are already rich. Why do you need to spend the money you have getting richer?

I do not think this game was made with capitalist brain rot in mind it’s just very funny how when you think about the gimmick of making the ‘points’ of the game into a currency you suddenly are representing capitalist brain rot very well. Mylo is doing a working class job of acquiring things to sell so he can buy something that will actually start making him real money, you see, because working in the minds is how you pull yourself up by a bootstrap, or whatever, it’s work for schmucks. Then because Mylo picks bad get-rich-quick schemes, he’s a schmuck and has to go back to the mine!

My favourite little ‘oh, huh, they didn’t think of that’ joke in all this though.

You get a bonus pile of currency for not taking any damage in a level.

You can save money

by not claiming on your health insurance.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

1 note · View note

koigoldfish · 3 years

Text

「 JUJUTSU KAISEN CHARACTERS AS FRANK JAMES’ MBTI COMEDY SKETCHES : MINIMALISTS 」

: ̗̀➛ AUTHOR’S NOTE: i was gonna go with haikyuu!! on this one until i realise i need more jjk content. so, here it is. most of these characters are based on their mbti type, the remaining others? i just find the one that fits them. it’s even better when you watch the video on youtube to see the reactions. anyway, enjoy a cup of türk kahvesi~

: ̗̀➛ WARNING(S): none. pls check my pinned before following me.

GOJOU SATORU: “modern humanity is fundamentally materialistic, which leads us to believe that the fundamental make-up of reality is material, which is not true! the fundamental make-up of reality is suffering and pain. and you might say, “well that’s depressing and pessimistic,” and it is. so, that’s why i’m a minimalist, bucko.”

────────────────────────

GETOU SUGURU: “i got into minimalism because i realised, i was just a part of the consumerist machine. we’re being controlled by soulless corporations that only care about sucking us dry ... i do have the new iphone though. it just works, okay?”

────────────────────────

NANAMI KENTO: “i have exactly 144 possesions. i know exactly where all of them belong and exactly what their uses are strangely. in becoming a minimalist, all i think about now are the few things i still own.”

────────────────────────

IEIRI SHOKO: “i’m a minimalist without even trying. all i really use is my computer. and i only own like three shirts that i’ve had since high school. and any other possessions i’ve had, i seem to lose somehow. like my wallet. i always thought i was just a hopeless ding-dong, turns out, i’m super trendy!”

────────────────────────

IJICHI KIYOTAKA: “to me, minimalism is all about the beauty, clean lines, uncluttered space, openness ... plus, my bank account is also kind of minimal at the moment, so i couldn’t afford to buy anything, even if i wanted to.”

────────────────────────

ITADORI YUUJI: “part of being a minimalist to me is going green. so, i reuse as much stuff as possible. like this pants? they’re made out of old paper bags. i ended up accidentally exposing myself in public all the time because they rip extremely easily. and in the rain, they basically fall apart and leave me standing there without any pants on. but i’m saving the world here.”

────────────────────────

KAMO NORITOSHI: “here’s how you figure out what to keep and what to throw away. everything is either a tool or it’s trash. a shirt i’m never going to wear again? trash. my computer i use for work? a tool. my co-worker, aoi? somehow, he’s both.”

────────────────────────

MIWA KASUMI: “oh my god i can not get rid of these jeans.”

[ probably momo ] : “do you even wear them anymore?”

MIWA: “no, not really ...”

“then why keep them?”

MIWA: “it just brings me back to that time ...”

“and when was that?”

MIWA: “i’m not sure. but clearly, it was before i got my ice cream maker. which im also not getting rid of.”

────────────────────────

FUSHIGURO TOJI: “i didn’t get into minimalism on purpose. i was just trying to make extra money selling stuff on ebay, and i ended up selling everything i own at incredible markups. like this shirt, i got it for 12 bucks at target. some sucker bought it for 50. i don’t think i’m even going to wash it before i ship it out.”

────────────────────────

RYOMEN SUKUNA: “without a bunch of clutter in my life, i am operating at peak efficiency. i push myself everyday to get rid of even more stuff. as you may have notice, i’m not wearing pants. got rid of them yesterday. i work from home. i don’t need them. just gotta make sure i keep the zoom calls from here up *gesturing at his torso*. you only make that mistake once.”

────────────────────────

CHOSO: “i challenge myself to live off as little as possible. my only essential posession is this knife. now, if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got to go out back and rustle up dinner. i’m chopping up tomatoes for a salad!”

────────────────────────

TODO AOI: “what im trying to declutter out of my life are all my haters. you know what haters stands for? having. anger. towards. everyone. reaching. success.”

────────────────────────

MEI MEI: “my favourite part of being a minimalist is slipping minimalism into every conversation i have and then suggesting to everyone it’s the solution for literally all of their problems. anxiety? try minimalism. stress? minimalism. realising you’re in your 30’s and have no idea who you are and what you’re doing with your life? minimalism.”

────────────────────────

KUGISAKI NOBARA: “i love being a minimalist.”

[ probably maki ] : “but your closet is full of clothes.”

“it’s really the barest of essentials. like, i don’t see how i can properly function with fewer than 15 pairs of dress shoes.”

────────────────────────

OKKOTSU YUTA: “i started out by just getting rid of anything that i have a negative association with. but then i looked up, and i realised i have gotten rid of everything. and then i thought about it, and then i realised the one common denominator in all of those possessions ... was me.”

────────────────────────

PANDA: “i value expereiences over objects. why spend money on things, when i can spend money on a lifetime of memories? seeing the world? adventure? plus, i can’t really have too many possessions because i’m living in a van down by the river.”

reblogs are appreciated! ✦

36 notes · View notes

wooowthanks · 4 years

Text

An open letter about my time at Grace Youth Klang.

I first joined when I was 13. It felt like I didn’t fit in - I was too old for GCC, too young to truly understand the youth. I flitted around, unsteady, slowly learning, slowly observing. But I thrived, eventually, even though I remained the “quiet” one there. I was forced into a zone far from my comfort. I learnt about media, taking photos and videos while not knowing what the butt an ISO was. I helped in events, in fundraising, in leading teams in camp even though I was definitely NOT a people person. I won, three years in a row (still a braggable achievement). I lead the worship team (tried), working my way up from being a backup singer. I learnt how to harmonise. I became a “leader”.

I’ve noticed - so many people, so many adults, see the easier parts. They see us hanging around at the foyer, laughing too loudly while collecting forms. They see us always at church, playing games, never leaving Taman Chi Liung restaurant. They see us taking an Instagram story of Kevin and Teo playing around, of us lying down on the somewhat clean 2nd Hall floors.

But what they focus on is this - us speaking up when we disagree with something. Our tendency towards “defying authority”. Our “laziness” when we can’t commit to yet another thing, yet another event. Our lack of cooperation. Our inability towards working with whatever person they put to lead us. Our inability to submit to authority. Our inability to bow down, and accept things for what it is.

What they don’t see, what they didn’t see - we were still just kids. We were leaders yes, but we were still youths who didn’t have a pastor to guide them. They didn’t see that we were still young people, trying to make it better for the younger ones, figuring out the unknown slowly. They didn’t see the time we so carefully carved out, from piles of university assignments to come to church for practice. They didn’t see the Sunday lunches we take so late to collect forms, and the times we leave our late lunches to collect more from those who couldn’t do it earlier. They didn’t see the personal problems we had- the burnout of giving and not receiving, the family problems, the friendships lost, the emotional turmoil. They didn’t see the numerous night long meetings held to discuss ways to improve the youth, ways to be better, to foster the spirit of excellence in everything we do. They didn’t see the times we unfailingly attended our prayer meetings and cell groups on Fridays after hours long of standing in the KTM, or the month long trainings or camp meetings we had every Saturday morning. They didn’t see the WhatsApp messages that the leaders sent to keep up with the youth, they didn’t see how those texts grew into friendships that were/ are treasured. They didn’t see that we didn’t have the time for ourselves, because we so willingly invested it in the youth.

...how could they say that we were cliquish, when all we had were one another?

Being a leader wasn’t great, but it was good, sometimes. I truly treasure all that happened in my years serving. I learnt to get a thick skin, because people are going to tell you that your work isn’t good enough and that you aren’t cut out for it, even though you’ve already given years. Because after serving non stop and feeing burnt out... maybe I just “wasn’t made for serving”, right?. I’ve gotten the chance to meet so many types of people - from the ones who will preach about knowing every single name and yet never refer you by your name despite asking for it 3 times, to the friends who will cry with you in the KTM, ready with a hug, when empty cans start to make noise. I’ve gotten to learn about myself, to work my way towards the career I will ultimately choose, I’ve gotten my first hand experience on handling clients civilly, when someone wanted the youth logo to be rainbow coloured. I’ve learned to stand up for myself, to stand up for others, to ask questions always, because it’s the right thing to do. You build each other up, you correct one another. You do not keep quiet when you know something is wrong.

Being a “leader” isn’t a cool title to bear, nor does it mean the cool custom shirts that we made and paid for ourselves at the start for use in formal events. It means sweeping the 2nd Hall floor, stacking up the chairs, early mornings and late nights for preparations, meetings with mistakes thrown at you, trainings that you sacrifice weekends for, agendas you disagree with being pushed at you. It means doing the things that people don’t see you doing, and getting called lazy, anyway.

I’m not going to say that I’ll forget the bad times here. I’ll remember the terrible politics in a place that’s supposed to be used to glorify god, I’ll remember the adults that smile at you and gossip behind your back, I’ll remember the manipulation, the lies, the misuse of “God told me to do it” or “God spoke to me” to justify a decision that is so clearly not thought through. I’ll remember the hypocrites who’ve showed everyone just how holy they are, and how they can never do wrong. I’ll remember the people who “cared” about the youth so much that they spread around about how the leaders just stayed because they cared for their positions.

When I attended SIB that one rare time, I remember someone sharing about a youth saying this to a pastor, “thank you for letting us make mistakes”. Maybe that’s what’s lacking all this while - the ability to make mistakes and to grow from them without fear. We’ve made our mistakes, yes, but each one has turned to a weight that constantly adds unto our shoulders, a fault to add unto a long list of how we always fall short.

We’ve made our mistakes, but so has some of those in authority. But instead of giving the same treatment we’ve received, we’re expected to submit to authority, unfailingly, unquestionably. But well... we’re not the first to leave, and we’re not even the second. And in all of this - we weren’t the common denominator.

Honestly, I could go on and on. About their faults, about my hurt, about my own faults. But from all of that, apart from the lessons I’ve learnt, what I’ll want to remember is this: the time Aaron Koh spilled coffee into Dillen’s nose when we all lied down in the main hall, tired from setting up for Starry Night. The time we found puppies in the drain and washed the stink out of them and got them adopted. Making wire tags for Hydrowar in the second hall. Our voices cracking when we can’t reach a note. Early first day of camp mornings and the rush to get campers settled. The late nights in camp, eating our dinners when the campers ate their suppers. Prepping for GA gifts and camp junk food with Cheryl. Building the whole stage deco wrongly twice and then building it up again only to realise that it’s upside down. Playing “bang” or uno in the multipurpose room. Soaking sessions with the committee, just one guitar, maybe one piano, and a whole bunch of young adults crying for more. BR with David, JRR and Aaron. Honey chicken rice at Taman Chi Liung, and peanut butter milkshakes at Pink Dugong after. The tired, bittersweet feeling after camps, putting the stuff back from the vans and lorries. Lying on the wheelchair ramp, too tired to move after camp at Ipoh. Ranting with Aaron Shawn. Khishan’s horrible watermelon gummies, and him making the church yeet. Josh Tan laughing so hard that he snorted maggi out his nose. Prepping for Sunday group sharing/ devo with Sam Swee at McDs. Chermaine and Cheryl teaching me how to harmonise. And so many other more that I can’t name, because that would take ages.

I left grace youth after I turned 21. I’ve lost my faith, and I’ve tried (am trying?) to rebuild it. I’ve lost some friends, and got people who now mean so much more. I’ve learnt that there’s a time to fight, and that there’s a time when fighting will never be enough. And I know I’ve left the youth earlier on, in January, and now Grace itself, but it feels apt to leave a grammar mistake ridden, ranty post about my time in youth because it’s where I’ve grown so immensely. I will miss it, but it’s time to be at places we will grow.

3 notes · View notes

asianadjacent · 4 years

Text

We are not all the same

An open letter to white men everywhere

Dear (drunk) white men,

It may come as a surprise to you but all yellow-looking people are not the same. We even speak different languages and are from places that could be geographically further apart than the length of your tiny island. What a shocker, I know - but I have no doubt that you’ll get over it very quickly.

And while it may sound like I am addressing all white men, I am in fact addressing two specific drunk white male individuals and your one token Asian-ish pal. One of you looking very fat, balding and grotesque, the other lanky with a misshapen face akin to Steve Buschemi (no offense Steve!), and the token Asian with a wispy moustache beard combo (not a good look dude). We’ll get back to the token later on but the focus for now is solely on the two white men.

I spotted you both coming into Rasa Sayang, the Malaysian restaurant that I just so happened to be sitting in for a late Friday dinner in Soho, with your Asian friend coming in shortly after.

This particular Malaysian restaurant, which I regularly frequent, was originally located in Chinatown. It has temporarily moved slightly north into a supposedly trendier part of town as the original shop house is under construction. However, given the fact that businesses in Chinatown restaurants have dropped over 60% (an anecdotal stat from Chinatown restaurant staff) since the start of this COVID-19 fuelled hysteria with gross racial overtones, the short-term move for the owners is probably a blessing in disguise. (While I could entertain you with stories of overt racism in central London due to coronavirus-mania, that is another subject to tackle at another time.)

We now go back to the evening, where out of the corner of my slightly suspicious looking slitty eyes and large ears, I see and hear this group of three men, obviously under the influence and slightly boisterous. While this may seem not out of the ordinary as we’ve all been a bit loud and obnoxious after a few post-work pints, what proceeded to happen was also sadly, quite the norm.

As a server approached them, the fat one decided to shout “KAMSAHAMNIDA” while the lanky one shouted to their Asian friend to be more “Asian”. The Asian friend proceeded to squeeze his face to make smaller eyes while holding up his hand to make a peace sign while greeting the waiter with the good old “herro”.

(“Kamsahamnida” is “thank you” in Korean, which doesn’t even make sense in this context.)

Seeing as I was rolling solo waiting for my food to arrive, it was only natural that I was people watching. They were especially hard not to miss as I was sitting near the entrance. The moment that happened, a rage welled up inside of me and I was immediately shooting evils at the group. I was making my displeasure known through my stares and they definitely felt it. Instead of looking contrite or toned down, they instead muttered under their breath about how European Asians usually have better manners and wouldn’t stare.

So as I sit here on the 14 bus, rage typing on my way home, I decided to write an open letter to the drunk white men out there who think this is ok. Obviously, this is not addressed to the good ones out there, just the ones who think it’s perfectly acceptable to go into an Asian restaurant and speak rudely to the wait staff in a language that they know does not belong to them. You know exactly who you are.

You wouldn’t walk into a German beer hall and speak French. You wouldn’t walk into an Italian pizzeria and start shouting random Greek words. You wouldn’t walk into a Dutch bar and start rattling off the only Spanish phrases you picked up during your pathetic GCSEs. So why would you think it’s ok to walk into a Malaysian place and start shouting the first Korean phrase that popped into your head just because you’ve heard of Parasite, BTS or Samsung?

And to you, the token Asian. Yes, you. I was offended by you the most, not because you joined in, but because I see so much of my old self in you. I know you.

I know that you act a bit more ‘white’ and a little less ‘yellow’ so you’d fit in better with your mostly straight, white, male friends. I know that you really milk the Asian stereotype jokes in front of your white friends to feel more accepted. However, I will tell you this now. When you look back in a few years (or maybe more), in a time where you’re attempting your damndest to reclaim your identity because you feel like you’ve lost a part of you over the years, you will look back at these moments with regret and shame.

You will reflect on moments like these and realise that you reduced yourself to the common denomination to fit into the majority because you are afraid that you won’t be fully accepted due to your skin colour and background.

Because you lowered yourself to the common denomination to fit into a group because you are afraid that you won’t be fully accepted for who you are just because of your difference in lived experience due to your skin colour and background.

I know all this because that used to be me, making “eating dog” or “chinky” jokes just for a few cheap laughs. I’m trying to be better now and you, my fellow yellow asian friend, should stop too. And if you don’t want to do it for the rest of us, do it for yourself.

We are more than indistinguishable yellow faces with interchangeable languages, just like how these white men are, probably, more than just a couple of drunk twats. We are not our skin tone or the shape of our eyes. We are also not solely defined by the location of where we were born or the colour of our passports. We are a culmination of our individual lived experience, which makes us truly unique, while still being able to belong to the various cultures and influences that shaped us.

So the next time you want to tell a self-deprecating ‘Asian’ joke, or shout Japanese words at a bunch of Mongolians, please do us all ‘yellow’ people a favour and just don’t.

Fuck you very much, A Malaysian Chinese hetero(ish) male, aged 29, with lived experiences across three continents and five countries (so far), a better grasp of the English language than most of the white people who invented it, and with enough manners to not be an absolute racist cunt, even when drunk.

#racism #coronavirus #london #idiots #white people

1 note · View note

caitbalfes · 6 years

Photo

He Who Waits for Something Good (9/?)

Jamie & Claire | Modern AU | At forty-five, Jamie fears he will never meet someone that measures up to the woman of his dreams. (AO3)

Sorry for the wait everyone, I suck at updating my stories. Funnily enough this was the very first chapter I wrote for the story (who has time for writing in order ??) but it needed some tweaking before I could post it.

Also, if you want to keep up with the timeline without having to go back to each individual chapter you can check out my new masterlist/fic page here: caitbalfes.tumblr.com/fics (the page is still a wip, but you can at least see the timeline for HWWFSG)

I. Woman of His Dreams • II. Fragments of Memory • III. Dreams of Old • IV. Eye of the Hurricane • V. Days of Joy • VI. Thoughts of You • VII. The Day Before… • VIII. Anniversary of Silver

IX. ... The Night We Met

February 25, 1997

He had been watching her for some time—ever since she stormed into the pub, nose red from the cold (it made her look all the more endearing.) She’d sunk down on a bar stool and pulled off her hat, causing her curly hair to stand on end.

He had tried his best not to look at her. Her demeanour was in no way inviting. (If he squinted he could almost see the steel armour she wore to protect herself from unwelcome attention.) Jamie wasn’t so foolish as to try and break through that wall, nor was he so disrespectful.

Yet, he couldn’t look away. It wasn’t just that she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on, he felt inexplicably drawn to her. He wanted to talk to her, he really did, but he didn’t want to disturb her.

An hour went by. The woman hadn’t moved, and neither had he. She’d had a few drinks, as had he.

Eventually, people started to leave. His sister and Ian left first; they had Wee Jamie to get home to. The rest left one by one—or two by two—until only Jamie was left. He was about to leave himself, when he heard someone sniffling.

Instinctively, he turned towards the sound. It was her.

He thought at first it might have been the cold that made her sniffle, but he noticed the sadness in her eyes. Gingerly he laid a hand upon her shoulder, asking, “Are ye all right?”

She turned around, facing him. She regarded him for a moment. Then, “No. But I will be.” She lifted her glass to indicate her chosen remedy.

“Whiskey is comfort for your mind, but no for yer heart.”

“And how would you know what ails me, Mister?”

“I can see it in yer eyes, Sassenach.” He really could. Her face was exceptionally easy to read, and heartache was written across it.

She pursed her lips. “I know what that means, you know. Sashenack—that’s not a very nice word to use. Is that how you comfort women? Then I think I’ll stick to the whiskey.” She took a long sip, then looked up at him with a defiant smile, like a naughty child doing something she knew she shouldn’t.

“I didna mean it as something offensive, lass.” He hoped she realised how genuinely he meant it.

“Well, it really doesn’t matter how you meant it, my lad. You’re not seducing me tonight, so you can leave. It’s no use trying. I’m not having sex with you,” she said, crossing her arms across her chest.

His jaw dropped. “I-I—what?”

“I’m not going to have sex with you tonight—or any night.”

“Aye, I heard ye, Sassenach. I just wasna sure I was hearing correctly seeing as I canna remember propositioning you, or saying anything to that effect.”

“You didn’t yet, but I know what most men do. They walk up to the sad, lonely woman at the bar. They compliment and comfort her, they offer to take her home, and then they think themselves entitled to a reward of their choice—and that’s always sex.”

“Perhaps I am pretentious in saying so, but I would like to think that I am not like most men, and that I dinna necessarily place my behaviour at the lowest common denominator.”

She laughed, genuinely. “Very pretentious, but I kind of like you. Have a drink with me?”

“I dinna ken, Sassenach,” he teased, “yer no planning to take advantage of my vulnerable state?”

“Your vulnerable state?”

“Aye, this lass bruised my ego when she mistook me for the vile sort of man that would take advantage of a bonnie lass—”

She swatted his arm. “Stop it,” she giggled.

Jamie took a seat next to her and ordered another drink for himself.

“I’m Jamie, by the way.”

“Claire.”

“Should I walk ye home—or to wherever you’re staying?” he asked, partly because he wanted to see her home safe, and partly because he wanted to spend more time with her.

“No,” she said, insistently, shaking her head. “I don’t want to go back there.”

Jamie unconsciously clenched his fists. What awaited her “back there”? She’d been heartbroken when they’d met earlier that night, and she’d been drinking to soothe the ache. They’d spoken about a number of things, but Claire hadn’t revealed just what—or who had caused her broken heart. Hence, Jamie was weary. Her reluctance to go home had him worried an abusive boyfriend or something of the like was what awaited her.

“All right, lass. You can come wi’ me to my hotel room. You can take the bed.” He was in town for a friend’s engagement party. Normally he would’ve stayed with Jenny and Ian at Lallybroch, but they were renovating an old part of the house, and they also had a newborn baby, so Jamie was staying at a hotel in Inverness instead.

Claire took hold of his hand and squeezed it gently, smiling at him. “Thank you, Jamie.”

It was a short distance from the pub to the hotel, so Jamie and Claire walked the entire way. Claire hadn’t let go of his hand—which was probably a good thing, as her balance wasn’t great.

It wasn’t until they entered Jamie’s room that she released his hand, giving him a sheepish smile.

“Jamie . . .”

“Aye?”

She stood on tiptoes, her arm snaking around his neck, and placed her mouth on his, not quite kissing as much as breathing him in.

Alarm bells went off in Jamie’s head. This was very, very bad. And yet he didn’t pull back, couldn’t bring himself to.

Her lips moved against his experimentally, and his couldn’t help but respond. His hands found her waist to hold her to him. She felt small and fragile—and warm, and soft, and just right in his arms.

Claire brought her other hand to the back of his neck to pull him closer. He ran his hands down her hips, feeling her soft curves. God.

Her lips were demanding, her body enticing, and he was intoxicated, drunk on her—

Then he remembered.

And before he stepped off the edge and flung himself into the abyss, he tore his mouth from hers. “I thought ye said ye wouldna have sex wi’ me tonight—or any night.”

“That was before I knew you,” she said, running her hands through his hair.

“But—” Her lips chased his in an attempt to shut him up, but he took hold of her shoulders to force her back. “No,” he said. “We’re drunk.”

“It’s all right,” she said with conviction. “I believed you when you said you weren’t like most men, but now—now I’m asking you. Can’t you see that? Jamie, I’m asking you to fuck me.”

“Claire, I can’t.”

She took hold of his hand and pulled the reluctant limb from her shoulder and placed it on her arse. She looked at him intently, biting her lip.

A Dhia!

She was truly the most alluring woman he’d met, and God how he wanted her, he was achingly hard with it, but—

He smelt the whiskey on her breath and saw its effect in the gleam of her eyes. He wanted her badly, but more than anything he wanted to do right by her.

“Claire, you know we canna. Neither of us would feel right about it in the morning. You’re drunk, heartbroken . . . and ye came here to sleep, aye?”

Her giddiness was replaced by reluctant acceptance in an instant. She nodded tiredly. “You’re right. Take me to bed, Jamie—but not for that, just . . . tuck me in?”

“Of course.”

He took her hand and led her to his bed, where he tucked her in. He stroked her curls away from her forehead before placing a soft kiss there.

Claire smiled at him, her eyelids drooping. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Sweet dreams, Sassenach.”

#outlander fanfic #outlander fic #jamie x claire #outlander #fic: he who waits for something good #ff #jc ff #ina writes #i'm still not pleased with this #even after all the tweaking #but whatever #i should probably get a beta #also i'm posting this at a bad time #but if i don't post it now i might never post it #so here we go

140 notes · View notes

punkscowardschampions · 2 years

Text

Toni & Archie

Toni: Ma said you’ve got yourself a boyfriend

Toni: she’s tasked me with finding out who it is

Archie: Wow, she managed a convo that long, eh

Archie: lucky, lucky you

Toni: could be a new record and it was all about you, don’t you feel special? 🙄

Archie: Obviously, full of 💛

Toni: who’s it then?

Archie: like I’m gonna make your special job that easy for you

Archie: what’d be the point, you could get weekly progress reports out of this

Toni: I’ve got my own life to live here, you know

Toni: just drop a name and we can both move on

Archie: Don’t be jealous, sure mum has just learnt not to ask about your love life, like everyone else, like

Toni: ha, the old digs really are the best, like

Archie: it is pretty old, at your age but you know, that’s your baggage to leave un-dealt with

Toni: whatever you think you can force me to unpack to get us off topic, nice try

Archie: Why would I tell you anything?

Archie: said the exact same to her, we don’t do that, not starting now

Toni: grand, she can’t say I didn’t make the attempt to talk to you

Archie: Ha

Archie: her expecting anything looking like effort off you proves she’s got fuck all idea who either of us are

Archie: you’re the laziest person I’ve ever met

Toni: she’s in good company with you at least, with her not knowing

Archie: What guy with greasy hair and a guitar has told you you’re an enigma was lying to you in so many ways, babe

Toni: I don’t need no lad to tell me who I am, Arch

Archie: feminist statement of the year if you hadn’t gone from being that Sam’s bitch to China’s

Archie: it still counts, probably why lesbians hate bi girls if you’re going ‘round acting like it don’t

Toni: I’m not anyone’s bitch

Archie: 👌 alrighty then

Toni: grow up will you, it’s no wonder she’s shitting herself about you seeing a lad if you’re gonna act about 12

Archie: right, because your brand of bitch is actually really groundbreaking and much, MUCH cooler than mine

Archie: you’ve got the same stick up your hole that she does

Archie: and she’ll get off my back when she realises that America’s the one sexting teachers so you don’t even have to with this shit attempt at acting like you care

Toni: I don’t care, I’ve told you loads of times before I’m sick of this shit from you

Archie: exactly why I don’t tell you anything and I’m not going to for your sake, why the fuck would I, at this point

Toni: cos you think you’re so big and clever, probably, or that’s what she would’ve been counting on anyway, there’s nothing you won’t do for the bragging rights

Archie: nothing I’ve ever done has been to impress you, you boring cow

Toni: it’d be mortifying if that was your aim and even more if I had to be pretend you’d done it

Archie: only in you head where you’re interesting in any shape or form

Archie: in reality rocks don’t give me a boner so nah

Toni: it’s me living in an altered state of reality, for sure

Archie: admitting is the first step to getting better, well done you

Toni: go ahead and take your own advice and bs praise

Archie: I’m not a self-absorbed, uptight dyke bitch, so I’m good

Toni: me either

Archie: you are though but sure, agree to disagree

Toni: I’m not though

Archie: You’re fucking boring, is what you are, Christ

Archie: how’s it feel only being tolerated ‘cos you don’t spoil the scenery

Toni: I wouldn’t know cos that’s not even close to being right

Archie: I’ll tell mum to look into benefits, I reckon your delusion goes into being a sort of disability at this point

Archie: widow’s pension only goes so far after-all

Toni: it might work on her but it don’t on me

Archie: really not the flex you think it is

Toni: I could say the same about your 👊

Toni: do you really think I’ve not been called any of this before?

Archie: fucking hell 😆

Archie: and who’s the common denominator there, Tone

Archie: me and everyone else are wrong and you’re 👑 checks out

Toni: it’s not everyone, it’s you and immature bitches like you, babe

Archie: Oh no, not immature

Archie: you’re the one too emotionally retarded to have real feelings, you saddo, get a grip

Toni: you first, before your BIG feelings push even more people away and get you in even more shit than they already have

Archie: I’d rather feel things than be a narcissistic sociopath, but you do you, you think you’re having fun

Toni: I feel plenty of things, what I don’t do is shove everyone’s faces in whatever the emotion is

Archie: you do realise everyone is going to move on, to real, meaningful relationships

Archie: and you’re gonna be stuck unable to commit to anyone asking them all to go for a pint long after they’ve given a single fuck about you

Toni: I’ll move on too, that’s part of growing up, you should try it

Archie: what about your history suggests that’s remotely possible, hmm

Toni: what are you talking about?

Archie: you aren’t there, for anyone, ever, who’s going to settle down with you

Archie: you think you’ll hit 23 and it’ll all stop being so hard for you, yeah

Archie: and I’m childish

Toni: not true

Archie: Whatever, it’s obvious we’ll have fuck all to do with each other by then so I don’t care

Toni: I’m glad it’s obvious, it’d be awkward if not

Archie: I’ll be out of here before you, darling, there’s no need to act so smug

Toni: I don’t think so

Archie: think what you like, you’re the most ignorant bitch I’ve ever met

Toni: I’m the most … of loads of things you’ve ever met, maybe you should get out more

Archie: maybe I can’t fucking stand you

Toni: yeah, I got that loud and clear and it’s obviously mutual

Archie: then don’t try and talk to me again, even if it is to score brownie points off mummy

Toni: alright, I won’t

Archie: 👋

1 note · View note

atkinsronald91 · 4 years

Text

Ex Back Long Distance Stunning Unique Ideas

It's up to it the right time to get your man jealous with a more connected and loving times ahead of you.They would know better than ever, even stronger bond this time to seek a new girlfriend, you need to have what you want.Do this - you just might be good to talk to a financial planner, get their ex lover back.The good news is that you'll almost be guaranteed to notice what you have to man up and all the pleasant times that they will realize there is - if you use it's important to be perfect.

You have to carefully consider whether this system are still with me, I controlled that very strong feelings for your ex more than likely hear from them that you can learn to be as well.So you want from the hurtful things in the situation and relationship is worth thinking about.It also increases the chance to calm herself down and the love between you.Do you aspire for the relationship is worth thinking about.This is probably very depressed that your significant other will be a positive connection with you.

He said that he'd heard from our friends rarely provide the best thing to remember here is to get them back if you have done or said all the reasons you should reconcile or not?Your friend can let those old feelings go.Most of the most destructive events of my life. Being confident - while the whole breakup and act casual without being weird about it.Maybe, you've been together for a few weeks.

First of all, you must do to keep the boyfriend or girlfriend.Still, you need to fix your problem, but I assure you, I AM - very much lately.It would be able to show that it will only turn you to take.There are a bit hectic and all the time to remember what you are strong.Do you love them and make you happy being together?

It was the call will go all out of the couples gave each other more and that is they start to feel better, and a puppy and a puppy and a situation where a compromise can be hard to see that you're sincere in your life is always the case.It is not contingent on resumption of a take one small step at a second chance?She'll want to get back together after a breakup.One common denominator, however, is that you can apply right away - it was all of the story but it is very important.Yeah I know, you might cry, you might as well live it up in real life she'll think that if you keep on clinging onto your ex, then you are not feeling very hurt that the same position as well.

If this doesn't sound like he is scoring the next book you won't just get him back quickly.These two phrases show her that should not text him 20 mushy text messages every minute?Fortunately, Ben finally figured out the answers and advices I really appreciate that.Or maybe, you really want to be her partner, not a one-size-fits-all manual.By doing these things from surfacing in the future.

This will provide you with a snap of a Wicca love spell can help you do that, you give him time to think about the problems that broke you up and snap out of the fear of losing him for good.In this article are the challenges of this article.Don't forget that the relationship are usually short and have some fun and likes you.You should try to find out how to get him back, you need a challenge and she will call when she starts having serious conversations, now would be like trying to put some effort in to what he had ever seen.She will be able to make her happy again, then it's up to without being weird about it.

To get your girlfriend back, you need is a problem with this, there's not much you love each other, so why would he find a few secrets with you all the wrong things will be very difficult for him but you will usually feel equally hurt.During the time to be with you in his arms.One of the two of you has the right moves and that your ex back that passion and maintaining it after you have to play it cool means back off and look forward to.Because they believe that you have to stop trying to call you.This is a right and getting back together because of the split.

Win Your Exs Heart Back

Beg or PleadDon't beg or plead him to approach him about getting your ex back if all she wants to come back, the next step.Or maybe it is emotion based advice then you can do to win back his love.How can you learn more there is a horrible place to be.With step 1 complete, you now you're willing to give Jaime a call & ask if you are going out for yourself and your ex assume that their intentions are quite often your ex back.- Second important point, make changes to your ex.

Do not let you acknowledge I wholly know where to start?To fix breakups, the first thing you could get back together with their ex.Do not become a stalker or text him and you're partner some much required breathing space and allow you to be taken back again will be OK.The trouble is if you really get them back, but there are ways that you are very controversial but yet very effective - and that you should take things slow.The important thing to do if you can check yourself with friends and meet up again in your life?

After some time to let her know that you are committed to getting together on her.It`s a terrible stereotype, but it is the correct thing to do and the wait.Whatever the heck you send her a taste of life without you noticing it!He was thrilled to hear what others say- OK, so your boyfriend back?I spent half the night that you will have a better you.

The truth is that a breakup has occurred don't call, write, or text messages.How do I get into a relationship is worth the world.If you had together during their long history.If you keep calling them or contact them when they are usually the #1 danger to it!?So cool your heels for a book and they will want us back together is the only ones who understand themselves because trying to say and do a lot of love might be that this guy really love on another.

This is the personality of a friend, a counselor, or a separation period.Many people, upon finding themselves trapped in the next night.You can't eat, you can't live without her, I did not do it.If you feel because he caught or saw a glimpse of him.If you're looking for ways to get very emotional state.

If you manage to win her back is actually much more if it's only temporary.So if you have a polite discussion without letting it result to a gym.At a time for each other in the church toward the road to their family.A desperate approach and understand that there is a question that you were pretty bad at one stage, I was not a complex relationship, you want to break up, there generally was some sort of letter.What they didn't realise but needed to know each other made us miss each other too soon it will inevitably lead to separation.

What To Say To An Ex You Want Back

#Ex Back Long Distance Stunning Unique Ideas #How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Jealous To Get Her Back

0 notes

secondsofhappiness · 6 years

Note

I hope you don't mind me asking but I read your posts about your sexuality today and I wondered when you realised you were ace and what you feel looking back on your teenage years? Did you still do typical teen stuff and realise you were ace later on? What made you realise you were? Sorry I'm just so curious and I hope I haven't offended you. Much love

That’s fine, anon. I don’t mind talking about this stuff at all on here so ask away! Makes a change from my personal life where I have never talked about it :)

I’ll try my best to answer your questions!

First off, when did I realise? When I was 26. I’m 28 now (29 in July). Late, I guess. Or maybe not late as many people my age perhaps never heard of asexuality until later in life so didn’t know there was a word for stuff.

Looking back at my teenage years? Haha I definitely knew I wasn’t like others. I think I started realising I was a little different around age 14-16. I didn’t have friends who were mega into boys or dating or anything so that perhaps delayed any response I had to that stuff but it was mainly my general behaviour. I didn’t talk about boys/girls, I didn’t show any interest, I actually found it difficult when they began talking about celebrity crushes or real life crushes and it’d all make me deeply uncomfortable. So I’d make a few things up and I always referred to myself in my head as a “late bloomer”.

The main thing that made me realise I perhaps had an unusual response to this stuff was when one of my best friends told me he liked me. He’s the only person so far in my life to ever do that and I adored him. He was so funny and I liked him a LOT. It was all swoon crush stuff with 16 year old me smitten with him. I didn’t want anything else, only to be noticed by him and to spend all of my time in his company. The second he told me, I clammed up and told him I wanted to be friends. I liked him an awful lot but I still turned him down. I then couldn’t even bring myself to speak to him. I was a wreck. I left school without speaking to him or saying goodbye. I treated him so poorly and I regret is so much but I didn’t know how to deal with the prospect of dating someone.

I’ll pop the rest under a cut as many people may not be interested in this..!

Then we got back in touch when I was in University… yep! We had been kind of in touch online for years but we messaged a lot and when I was home from Uni I agreed to meet up with him. It took EVERYTHING out of me to meet him after he finished work. He worked in a clothes shop and it took me 8 attempts of walking in to find him. I was a MESS and felt sick. I managed it and we walked around and looked around the shops together and he walked me to the bus stop and I gave him a hug that took all of my nerves. He was incredibly sweet, he was very patient and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him a month later when I was home. He told me he’d had feelings for me since school, had never stopped thinking of me (Christ alive) from time to time etc. I said yes I’d meet him but when that month came, I freaked out and made excuses that I couldn’t go. I have never seen him since. He got a girlfriend soon after and I still have him on social media but we don’t talk and I haven’t heard from him in years.

I learned a lot from that because one singular thing became apparent and that was my reaction to dating, relationships and attraction was different to everyone around me. I had NO frame of reference for it. I had no clue what to do and not just in the fumbly teenage way, but more that I had no natural pull to want to do this stuff. Emotionally - yes - but outside of that it was very difficult for me to want anything. That was such s tough struggle to reconcile and it still is.

It was much more obvious once I hit University. I went through school, college and University without a love interest, boyfriend or any attempt at one. I didn’t even look or consider one outside of a few very short romantic crushes. I made zero attempt to instigate anything.

University was an eye opener because sex was everywhere and it just didn’t factor in my life. I had no interest in it. I didn’t actively pursue anyone because I had no desire to. I did develop feelings for one of my close friends (I wrote about this the other day so see a previous post) and that whole experience confirmed to me that I didn’t have a “normal” reaction to attraction because I remember him giving me a hug once when we were watching a movie and I felt the moment it maybe went from friendshippy to something a little more and I freaked the hell out. I pretty much recoiled in horror but tried to cover it up. I didn’t know how to respond and I didn’t want it to continue despite me liking him an awful lot. Confusing, right?! Haha.

Since I was 21, I have had only one other semi romantic attraction that I now can’t even understand because I know the guy better now and we’d never have gelled in the long run. That’s it. I don’t date, I don’t look, I don’t consider relationships. Now, there’s a common denominator in all of it and that was always the looking to the future. The “well if I find some shred of confidence to try to respond to these advances then that means I’ll eventually have to consider physical stuff because that’s how the world works” and that fact alone was enough to stop me in my tracks and end things with quite a significant amount of finality!

I used to ponder it all the time and never understood what was wrong with me. I used to call myself (secretly) “avoidant”. That was my own word. That I had an avoidant personality. That I was simply unable to share intimacy. I read article after article, tried to work out why I was this way and it wasn’t until I was 26 that I saw a post about asexuality and reading it, I cried my eyes out. I visited AVEN and read everything I could, I bought books and everything just felt so personal and was like reading about myself. It was so comforting and I finally understood that perhaps it did have a name and I wasn’t screwed up or broken.

Looking back, so much made sense. I had never ever felt in any way sexually attracted to anyone I’d liked. The mere thought of that actually put me off. I got NOTHING out of the thought of that. If anything, it made me feel really damn uncomfortable. I always thought people were joking when they said they thought about sex so much. So much teenage media had been lost on me because I didn’t share their experiences or desires. I’d never had any of the thoughts that are associated with teenagers and those in early 20s. Friends with benefits was something I just didn’t get. One night stands were alien concepts because why would people?! What’s the point?! There were so many signs and I just hadn’t realised them all until later in life.

So I didn’t do typical teen stuff. I didn’t have any of the typical firsts or experience any stereotypical teenage experiences and they didn’t happen in college, uni or beyond either. That’s difficult to accept at times because many people who are perhaps late bloomers actively want that stuff. I didn’t.

When I turned 25, I noticed friends became a little more interested in that aspect or non existent aspect of my life and the more they questioned or queried, the more it made me think of how I felt and so much slotted into place. I’ve never “come out” or whatever you want to call it but I am also pushing 30 having never had any relationship or pursued one and my friends definitely just accept this about me. One of my best friends, Hattie, said to me once “I don’t think you’d everyone be with someone unless you were very very close to them or perhaps you may never have those feelings for someone but I’d hope you’d tell me if you wanted to talk about stuff”. That’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to talking about it.

So the future is unknown but nothing has changed since I was 14-16. I am still exactly the same about it all as I was then and so I guess if I’d have known about asexuality I may have been a little less upset about how different I seemed to be from my peers and may have understood myself a little better and spent much less time worrying, stressing and feeling like I was a broken human being! That said, I always focused on friends and have been fiercely independent and happy being alone so I’ve always been pretty well adjusted despite it all :)

So yeah! I hope that answered your questions, anon. Why do you ask? If you’re questioning, I’m always happy to answer any questions etc. Might as well chat about it as it’s so damn unknown in the grand scheme!! 🙂

#ace stuff #wow I'm so sorry that was a huge essay

6 notes · View notes

cxptisanarchive · 6 years

Text

i wasn’t planning on being on here this weekend at all. this is my time away from this site and yet somehow i’m still getting dragged back. but i want to make a few things quite clear so that there is no question whatsoever about this one issue i’m sure some of you have seen.

if you attack my friends you are attacking me. if you go after my friends you’re going after me. and i will not tolerate that. no one deserves the hell that you’re putting people through. i’ve had enough of sitting here watching you put the blame on everyone except the one person who deserves it. you need to honestly look in the mirror and see that the one common denominator in all of this is you. if you can’t do that? well that’s on you and that’s what you need to deal with on your own. the longer this goes on the more people will see your true colours.

i’m an adult, i’m old enough to make my own decisions and when it came to you? i am the one who made the choice. no one brainwashed me, no one forced my hand. there is no one to blame but you. you are a toxic person and i have no room for that in my life. enough is enough. i know that you think everyone else is to blame but they aren’t. you are. you have always been the problem and until you realise that, until you decide to change that fact people will always see you for who you are and leave. you’re not some victim here, you’re not the innocent party. grow up, accept responsibility and make the choice to change.

i will always stand up for my friends. this isn’t the first time i’ve had to deal with a bully but i do hope it’s the last. please know that if i consider you a friend i will go to bat for you. but if you bite the proverbial hand that feeds you? i’m done, i’m gone, i’m out. and no amount of stalking, no amount of following by one of your other blogs is going to change that fact. you dug your grave, you made your bed and now it is time to sleep in it. karma will always get you in the end. people will always find out when shit is being said about them. let it go. move on. accept the fact that you fucked up and deal with your problems. i’m done. i’m over this. drop it and be the adult you fucking claim to be.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

#outofbrooklyn #cw; vague #[i never do this #but enough is enough #i cannot just sit by #and watch my friends get bullied #by someone who has to play the victim no matter what]

5 notes · View notes

rason-rodd · 7 years

Text

The Child of the Red Hood / Jason Todd x Reader (Part 2)

Prompt: Jason finds out he has a daughter. (Part 1)

Warning: Smut / Angst

Lying on your back, your legs spread wide, you could feel Damian’s warm and sweaty skin against yours. He was slowly yet deeply pounding you; his face nestled in your neck as you were holding to his broad back tightly. Usually you would have definitely taken delight in hearing him muffling some low groans in your ear, making his best so that no one could hear. Yes, your relationship revolved around the attraction for the secret and for the taboo. He was way older than you and almost family in a way. You had met him as a child and had nurtured a crush on him ever since. You couldn’t help it. He was your perfect embodiment of masculinity. But tonight you weren’t in the mood. Quiet in his arms you were thinking, haunted by incessant reflection. “ Are you okay?” He whispered a bit out of breath. You turned your face away from him. He straightened up, pulling out of you, to stare at you with concern in his big green-blue eyes. You rolled on your side in silence. “What is it?” “ I can’t stop thinking about the mission.” Damian sighed and dried the sweat from his forehead with his hand. “Seriously?” “I still don’t understand why we need this Red Hood guy.” You grumbled. “There’s something that bother me about him. I don’t know what it is.” Damian frowned. There was something weird in his eyes. Was he upset? Disappointed? You couldn’t tell. He could be such a mystery sometimes. Genetic, you assumed.

His phone suddenly rang and so did yours. He grabbed his first. “It’s Grayson. Summit meeting, now.” He got up from the bed and started putting his clothes back on. You covered your body with the sheets and got up to hold him from behind. “Don’t be mad at me, please.” You whispered as you kissed his shoulder blade. “ I’m not. But you should talk to Todd.”

No need to say you couldn’t.

Dick had summoned you all to tell you to get in place. The Kanes had launched their master plan earlier.

Jason and you were in the tunnels of the old Gotham underground. You were humping up and down with impatience as he was charging his guns quietly. “ Calm down, kiddo. You’re stressing me out.” “ Sorry, I’m just impatient to end this shit… Oh wait, no I’m not sorry.” You corrected with a sneer. “ How does Grayson stand you?” “ Could ask the same thing of you.” Jason remained silent for few seconds before finally saying with a smile. “He doesn’t … always” It made you smile slightly but genuinely. “Brothers, am I right?” “ Do you still consider him your brother?” Your words didn’t sound judgmental or angry. You were curious. That was it. “ He’s always been my brother though it took me quite some time to accept it. The truth is, no matter what, you cannot deny your family” “ I guess you’re right.” He glanced at you, pleasantly surprised. “Don’t” You threatened. “Don’t believe I’ve softened.” “ I don’t” “ Good.” “ Though it looks like you have” He grinned at you and you glared at him in response. “Shut up.” Jason laughed. He hadn’t laughed in a while. He hadn’t laughed since … he couldn’t remember. But doing it again, it felt good. “ So, how did you become Nightwing’s sidekick?” “ I’m not a sidekick anymore.” You retorted a bit offended. “But it’s a long story to be honest. My mum died giving birth to me. My dad was god knows where. Dick found me and took me in. Though I can’t remember it. I was still an infant. He raised me and trained me.” “ So you’re part of the orphan squad.” “ Isn’t that the superhero common denominator?” “ Totally. Dead parents. Huge trauma etcetera etcetera and next thing you know you’re jumping from rooftop to rooftop in tights.” “ In shorts.” “ Oh no don’t tell me Dick did that to you.” “ He totally did.” You laughed together this time and when you both realised it you stopped abruptly and stared at each other. You didn’t want to like him, for unknown reasons, but you couldn’t help but appreciate this cheerful conversation. Give people a chance, they might surprise you. The sentence rang in your heads and you both stayed quiet, wondering if you should indeed do it.

But your phone cut your reflection short. It was Dick, demanding a video call. You accepted though your thought it was strange. “Stephanie?” Your eyes widened. You thought she was dead. Jason approached you when he heard her name. “ Flamebird, you have to come back to the base. We are under attack here. They are trying to enter.” “ What? How? And what are you doing here?” “ I was captured. I escaped. They followed me. You have to come back.” “ Where is Dick?” But she didn’t have time to answer as the sound started to crackle and the video went through intermittences. You started panicking. If something was to happen to Dick … “We have to go back!” You yelled. “ No.” Jason said coldly. “ What?” “ It’s a trap.” “ No it is not! Dick’s in danger!” “ [Y/N], you have to trust me. Something’s wrong.” “ Yeah you are” You pointed at him angrily “Do whatever you like. Dick is like a father to me. I’m not going to leave him to die.” “[Y/N]!” Jason yelled as he saw you run back towards the base.

As he saw you leaving, he realised how much the situation was way too familiar. Flashes of him as a boy in a colourful Robin costume flying to Qurac to save his mother stroke him. Then a laugh, a maniacal awful laugh. Hihihi hahaha. Blood. A crowbar. The tick-tack of a bomb. And a light, a dazzling light right and the end, right before nothing.

Jason groaned, angry and hesitant. He couldn’t leave the place as it would jeopardize the entire mission but he couldn’t let you run to a certain death. He couldn’t let you go through what he went through as a boy.

He had never be the smartest Robin. And he tended to live up to that reputation. He was going to save you and save everyone else too. How ? He didn’t know.

But he would not fail. Not this time. Not ever. Not again

#Jason Todd #red hood #jason todd x reader #Damian Wayne #Dick Grayson #Stephanie Brown #Nightwing #Batman #Robin #Spoiler #fanfic #batfamily

84 notes · View notes

the-bounce-back · 4 years

Text

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES PART III - CONFIDENCE IN STARTING OVER

This is post 3/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

—————————————————————

I know… this is insanely overdue. But this time I have a valid reason, I promise.

The purpose of this part of the Confidence™ series was (and still is) to discuss and learn how to eliminate feelings of insecurity, fear, anxiety and situational depression that can arise from trying to pattern a major life change. Namely, those changes that you just know are going to reshape your whole future from the moment it’s set in motion, and completely tear you out of your comfort zone.

Believe it or not, when I started planning this series what feels like eons ago (April? May? Who even knows anymore), I had an extensive plan about how I was going to discuss how I found the confidence to completely start over - twice - and how much it has made me feel better about myself in all aspects of my life for overcoming it all. I was so pleased with myself in regards to how I was going to tie in this post to my post about overcoming my crippling anxiety that came with moving back to London earlier this year (read it here anyways, it’s good stuff), and I had even almost finished the post.

Ok, that’s a lie. But I had come a little more than half way.

However, I was forced to delete all my delightful anecdotes and clever little reasonings about my growth from forcing myself to move back to the UK and eventually back to London to be happy (I don’t count moving to Sweden or Nottingham as sTaRtInG oVeR because I didn’t choose it for myself… all tea/shade/offense intended), because something very unexpected ended up happening.

Basically, the job that I moved to London for - my *~dReAm jOb~* - ended up not being at all what I wanted. In fact, it ended up putting me in a much worse place mentally. I could go into detail about what exactly happened at that office but it’s honestly not worth the energy - I recently quit on the spot, packed my load and went home the same day, and since then, I’ve been unemployed.

So - what does this have to do with this post?

After having some time to regroup and pattern my emotional and mental adjustment to this new situation, I realised that a lot of the coping mechanisms I used to get through other life-changing predicaments in the past were also applicable to a major life change that didn’t necessarily involve the stress and drama of relocating to another country or city. In addition to this, I also realised that the more I put myself in not so ideal situations - such as unemployment - the better I get at handling myself in these situations, and the more able I am to stay calm and collected while I’m trying to figure out my next step. In other words - it would have been wrong to submit this post about navigating a large change in my life, all while excluding a currently ongoing major life change… if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway - all you need to know is that this post will discuss how to find the confidence, mental resilience and energy to go through a complicated life change, eliminating the fear of failure during the whole project and understanding that while everything might not go to plan, you will be okay at the end of the process. I will draw examples from my two big moves, as well as my ongoing situation to illustrate my points.

So, without further ado, if you want to know how I’ve been able to confidently navigate a few of the hardest times of my short life with (most of) my sanity intact, do keep on reading.

1. Identify how badly you want to/need to make a major change in terms of your mental health.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d never downplay someone else's mental and emotional turmoil… but if you’re anything like me, you’ll probably have a mini meltdown at least once a week over something extremely minor, in which you dramatically declare to yourself that you are leaving and never coming back. Last time this happened, I was pissed off because McDonald’s hadn’t given me any sauces for my nuggets.

A tragedy? No (yes).

A reason to uproot my whole life and move to Indonesia? Depends on how you see it… but I’m going to go with no.

The point I’m trying to make is that you need to evaluate your current situation in depth, assess what about it is making you feel like a major change is needed, and see if there are any less drastic solutions that can help you through that rough patch.

In my case, even after analysing the situations in hindsight, I genuinely believe that there was no other option for me in either of the cases. I’ve touched upon how I never really felt at home or like I belonged in Sweden; therefore, moving back to the UK for uni and meeting new people that were more on my wavelength ended up being a massive boost for my self-confidence and sense of belonging. In terms of moving from Nottingham to London, I had a massive back-and-forth with myself if it was really necessary; I considered changing jobs and moving further away from areas in the city that constantly reminded me of my ex, but in the end, I decided that cutting Nottingham out of my life altogether was the only way I could allow myself to heal. Finally, with my former job, I considered firming all the stress until I’d either a) pass the one year mark so it’d look better on my cv when I quit, or b) tough it out until I got promoted and would get a massive pay rise so that the stress would be worth it. Needless to say, I opted for neither.

The common denominator here is that I thoroughly evaluated the situations in terms of the toll they were taking on me, and made a decision based on that. I’m a firm believer that once you prioritise your mental wellbeing over everything else - and do all in your power to keep your mental peace - self-assurance will inevitably follow, simply because knowing what you will or will not put up with is the first step to becoming more confident.

2. Eliminate fear.

Please don’t get me wrong here. It is one million percent normal to fear the unknown and hesitating to venture out of your comfort zone. We crave stability, comfort and familiarity to have a calm and peaceful life. But trust me on this - forcing yourself to ignore the alarm bells in your head and resisting the temptation to not go through with the change will be the best thing you’ve ever done.

It’s definitely no secret that there are so many of us out there that hate our strict routines, go to a job we hate every day, and are made to feel worse by our peers who seem to be having the time of their lives on social media (spoiler: they probably aren’t). However, we choose the dullness and boredom over making a change, because we’re afraid of instability and uncertainty in life. I even used to be like that, because I got told at a young age that education and career stability are two of the most important things in life, and that venturing away from them will severely damage my prospects for my future career.

This is true, to a certain degree - but I decided that my own happiness needed to start taking priority over my fear of being unstable. In other words, I decided that my own well-being is and always will be my main priority in life, regardless of the situation.

Once you make that commitment to yourself - and really mean it - I promise that you will discover confidence you probably didn’t even realise you had. When you look at your life and realise that you’re not being the happiest version of yourself, you’ll want to do everything within your power to change this - regardless of how scared you are.

In my case, this was especially true when I was working in Nottingham and first started considering moving to London. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to be moving to one of the most expensive cities in the world without a 100% guarantee that I would be financially stable, and for a long time my fear of both financial and emotional uncertainty made me try my best to see the positives with my current situation, and to find an excuse to play it safe.

However, as you can probably imagine, I got tired of lying to myself and pretending to be content with my situation. You can only run away for your feelings for so long, and in the end me forcing myself to stay somewhere where I was no longer happy just made me even more emotionally drained. In other words, the fear ended up inflicting more pain and stress than actually getting my sh*t together and organising the move when I first had the idea to leave the city behind.

I want you to remember that part. Letting yourself stay in a distressing situation because of fear will only stagnate and depress you in the long run. I really, really hope that this testimony gives you the kick up the arse that you need to take control of your future and emotional state.

Another approach to fear is to not eliminate it, but to embrace it. This, in the sense that my fear of living with regrets is infinitely larger than my fear of living in uncertainty. The thought of making a “safe” decision now, and then 10 years down the line finding myself obsessing over loads of different “what if…?” scenarios that could’ve happened if I had just been brave enough, makes me incredibly anxious. In this case, I welcome the fear, because it takes on the role of a motivator.

The bottom line is that you (most likely) won’t die from living in uncertainty for a while. However, you have to develop the confidence that everything will turn out fine in the end. Which brings me to my final point…

3. Understand that although things may not go to plan, life has a way of figuring itself out.

If you by any chance are already considering going through the process of starting over (if so, kudos!) and have devised an immaculately detailed plan on how to succeed, I’m here to tell you to rip it out of your notebook, scrunch it up, and slam dunk it right in the bin. Honestly. You could have the whole process planned down to the minute, and still, something will go wrong. And that’s okay.

I used to be an extreme control freak that would immediately feel anxious when I didn’t know what was going to happen, and if things didn’t work out as I had envisioned it in my head I’d go into full meltdown mode. However, the more I make these major life changes, the more I understand that part of the beauty of it is letting things work out as they should, at the exact right time that they should.

Allowing things to fall into place naturally - as opposed to trying to force the result that you want - empowers you to get used to adapting to difficult situations that may arise. Learning to adapt is heavily built on accumulated experience over time from other difficult situations. Having this experience with a variety of differing predicaments allows you to be able to proceed with confidence that everything will turn out okay no matter what happens - and having the fact that everything will be fine in the back of your mind can give your anxiety and overthinking brain a well deserved break. Furthermore, allowing your brain to have this chance to relax gives you even more confidence.

You see how all factors come full circle? This is because we are not meant to try to manipulate the process. Attempting to control an unpredictable situation is what leads to stress and anxiety in the first place, and - at least in my case - when efforts to force a certain result end up failing, it takes even more of a toll on your confidence levels. I start obsessing over the how/why/where/when I went wrong, just bringing negative energy into my own life for no reason - trying to justify it by telling myself that I’m trying to LeArN fOr NeXt TiMe. There is a huge difference between analysing a mistake and criticising yourself with hurtful and negative thoughts - the latter being a massive killer of confidence.

Instead, allowing things to flow naturally and observing pain points during the process while keeping a calm and collected mind makes you more resilient to recurring problems - which in turn gives you confidence to take a leap of faith when needed.

With these three points in mind, along with a genuine drive to succeed, I can guarantee that pushing yourself to start over won’t feel as terrifying and daunting. Once you’ve established why you need to make a major change in your life, what needs to be done to achieve it and have a clear vision of how this project is going to benefit your mental health (or whatever aspect of your life that you want to make a change for), pushing through the hard times of starting on a completely clean slate will be infinitely easier.

That’s right - it is going to be maddeningly hard at times. There will be times where you will want to give up, and try to convince yourself that your current situation isn’t so bad, after all - because let’s face it, these kinds of changes are hard work. However, as the cliché goes - nothing worth having comes easy, and that also applies to your peace of mind and happiness. I genuinely hope that anyone reading this that is considering starting over completely - whether that entails moving jobs, cities, or even countries - can use this post as a reference point, and as a reminder that everything will turn out just fine.

Put it this way - if I can navigate two major moves and two major career changes while trying to pattern my then near crippling anxiety, then I have no doubts whatsoever that you can find the confidence and resilience to make whatever changes you need to make to improve your mental health.

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #Empowerment #confidence

0 notes

bloggerblagger · 5 years

Text

88) Tarantino’s Latest: A dissenting voice. (Quelle surprise.)

A few years ago, I went to see a film called ‘Punch Drunk Love’. It was billed as a comedy. If memory serves me right I didn’t laugh once. But the young couple sitting behind me did. Constantly. And if there is one thing even more annoying than ....(at this point insert whatever winds you up to the point of wanting to commit multiple homicide with a flame thrower ) it is other people - young people in particular - who laugh at things which you find singularly unfunny. You, of course, may be more tolerant of da yoof (anyone under 5O in my book) than I am - indeed, I would say that is a racing certainty - but I am sure you get the general idea.

Usually - out of fear of being stabbed- I let such things pass, but on this occasion I was pissed off enough to risk a lie-down on a mortuary slab, so I turned around and demanded an answer.

“What were you laughing at?”

Actually I can’t remember their answer - just their little millennial snowflake faces crumpling in the face of my interrogation - and anyway what difference would it have made whatever they had said? No explanation of why something is funny is going to make it any funnier to the person who didn’t find it funny in the first place.

No, my question was really just a manifestation of my grumpy irritation at having sat through a film which I had only gone to see because someone called Paul Thomas Anderson had directed it and he was supposedly hot shit. (I hadn’t by then seen ‘Magnolia’ or ‘Boogie Nights’, the movies upon which his reputation for hot shitness was largely built . And I haven’t seen them since because I have seen ‘There Will Be Blood’ and ‘The Master’, both of which I thought were overrated and overwrought attempts to do what ‘Citizen Kane’ had done a 100 times better 70 odd years earlier. And I didn’t like ‘Inherent Vice’ much better.

I was, I will concede, quite impressed with ‘Phantom Thread’, but one out of four is not much of a strike rate, so PTA’s oeuvre, is, to my mind, a lot less than it is cracked up to be and his name on a film’s credits is an invitation to me to walk on by.

I am admittedly, not one who is wont to swim with the tide of received wisdom on any subject , not least because I am an habitually contrary sod. But still, I don’t just say Paul Thomas Anderson is no Frances Ford Coppola for the sake of it. I mean it because I genuinely believe it.

And he is not the only one of the supposed modern greats who doesn’t do it for me. I loved ‘Blood Simple’ and ‘Fargo’ but nothing I have seen since by the Coen Brothers - with the possible exception of ‘True Grit’ - has done that much of me. I did not like ‘A Serious Man’ at all, couldn’t see the point of ‘Inside Llewelyn Davis’ and I thought ‘No Country for Old Men’ was a bit of a wrist job. No strike that: a complete wrist job. And yes, I know ‘The Big Lebowski’ is everyone’s favourite film. But, quelle horreur, despite several attempts, I’ve never managed to get all the way through it.

The common objection I have to Anderson and the Coens’ stuff - and to a slightly lesser extent, that of David O. Russell (not to be confused with David J. Russell, the former professional golfer, who became David J. Russell to avoid being confused with plain David Russell, another former professional golfer, no idea what David O’s excuse is) is the way they draw attention so conspicuously to the style of direction and away from the story.

I do not want to know about the film director’s trademark cinematic fireworks anymore than I want to be distracted by a novelist’s glorious prose. What I want is to be so engrossed in the story that I suspend disbelief from first to last and hopefully, at the end, feel rewarded and uplifted and, if I am very lucky, enlightened by the experience. I want a well developed coherent plot with the right ingredients deftly folded into the mixture at the right time, and rounded characters, neither entirely bad nor utterly flawless, but nuanced as people really are. If I am super lucky, I hope to see some universal truth revealed to me that really makes me think about the way I see the world.

A film that, in recent times, ticked every box, was ‘Manchester By The Sea’, a sublime piece of film-making, deeply affecting and gut wrenchingly poignant. I offer this as exhibit A, m’lud, in support of my case that I am not some old fart whose taste is irrevocably stuck in the past and is thus incapable of seeing anything good in the new, but as someone who refuses to praise the emperor on the fineness of his new clothes just because practically everybody else is determined to claim to love the post modern irony of seeing a king with his dick out.

And, by the way, my idea of a good film isn’t just limited to a realistic contemporary drama. It can be historical - the version of ‘Journey’s End’ made a couple of years ago - or comedy, ‘Midnight in Paris’ - something highly stylistic, ‘Laurence Anyways’ - a heist movie, ‘American Animals’ - a musical, (okay the very best of those, ‘Cabaret’, ‘Singing in the Rain’, for instance, aren’t that recent but...) Lala Land’ worked for me - even a movie about trolls, ‘Border’ - magical realism. ‘The Shape of Water’ .All of those are reasonably recent - and this is the vital common denominator - all worked within their own terms. You are asked to willingly suspend disbelief - the critical first step if one is to engage with any book or film - and however absurd a proposition that may fundamentally be, as in the case of a musical, if it is done well enough you happily go along with it.

Which at last brings me to the original point of this piece, Quentin Tarantino’s latest, ‘Once Upon A Time in Hollywood’, which we are, for some reason, told at the beginning, is his 9th film.

Wow is all I can say. And for all the wrong reasons. Never mind, PTA, and DOJ and the CB - they all pale into self effacing insignificance compared to this fellow, the unrivalled leader of the hey-it’s -me-ME!-I did-it pack, who has certainly never done anything on the QT.

Okay, I did like ‘Pulp Fiction’. A lot. It was wild. It was different. It was sassy. It was outrageously, cartoonishly violent. But since then, what have we had but more of the same? Except that,by definition, all the rest differ in one crucial aspect. They are, paradoxically, NOT different. They are not original. The stories vary but the mode de telling is pretty much identical.

So it is with ‘Once Upon A Time All The So Called Professional Film Critics In The World Prostrated Themselves At The Feet of Quentin Tarantino Yet Again’. More of the predictably wacky same. But this time my critique comes with knobs on.

Never mind the bladder bursting excessive length, the unexplained jumping about between different bits of story, the customary unremitting gore, the comedy that isn’t quite comedy (mainly because it’s never quite funny) the drama that’s never quite dramatic because it’s simultaneously being undercut by the comedy that isn’t quite comedy, never mind any of that. I take that as a given in pretty much any Tarantino film. What particularly concerns me about no.9, is why?

Actually there are quite a few whys but let’s start with the big one: why has he taken the still shocking story of the Charles Manson murder of Sharon Tate and then riffed on it so that we are given a totally fictitious alternative version of events? What was the point of that? What was he trying to say? What, in doing this, did he mean to reveal to us, the audience? Surely, anyone would have realised that you can not do something so very odd without such questions being asked? (Unless of course you are an ‘auteur’ who has managed to create such an unchallenged worldwide rep for being a genius that no-one dares ask.)

Anyway, I haven’t got a fucking clue. I just didn’t - and don’t - geddit. And to anyone who says, ‘Who gives a shit about that kind of nitpicky pedantic bollocks if the audience is having fun?’, I say ‘Of course, it fucking matters! Otherwise it’s like a mathematical answer without the workings. There has to be a comprehensible rationale or it’s just bollocks’. (Or is it? a tiny voice in my head insists on saying. What about Chinese medicine? If it works, who cares why it works? But notwithstanding that last bloody irritating intervention, to which I concede I don’t have a completely fireproof answer, I continue to insist that, for me, there must be a reason for any idea to be valid.)

So here’s my next why? Why do the ‘critics’ love him so much? My guess is either

a) it is because most of them are twats who have seen a million films but still know fuck all about the subject and just go in whichever direction the rest of the lemmings are headed,

b) because he stuffs his films - particularly this one - with so many nods and winks tipped to other films and to Hollywood folk lore that only a person who had seen a million movies and immersed themselves in Hollyworld would recognise them and, realising and relishing the fact that they are part of a tiny select group and flattered that they have been so selected, they choose to believe that a poor film is a good one. (In other words it is my contention that Tarantino aims his films at critics and when was flattery not the best way to get somewhere with anybody?)

Of one thing I am reasonably certain: the audience members who crammed the cinema to capacity were way too young (my companion and I were the oldest people there by a couple of aeons) to have spotted more than one or two - if any - of the film buff references. (Perhaps I am doing them a disservice, but I’d bet a pony to a piece of popcorn that, moreover, nine tenths of them knew almost nothing - if anything at all - about the Manson murders before the publicity about this film drew them into the cinema.)

None of this stopped them laughing uproariously throughout, and annoying the fuck out of me for so doing. Yep, it was Punch Drunk Love all over again.

Except this time I got the flame thrower out and fried the bastards to death. It was so fucking SATISFYING!

(Actuary, sorry, no I didn’t. But there was a reason for me to invoke this image in this context - connected with the film - which you will understand should you have 2hrs 39mins of your precious time on this earth to waste. And that makes it different from most of the things that Quentin does which seem to me to have no raison d’etre at all, apart from the fact that he thinks it’s a good idea at the time.

And that’s not good enough for ME!!!!)

0 notes

soledadgeek · 7 years

Text

Masterlist of Awesome - Part 3 (Other Fandoms)

Hello everyone! It’s been a while! But here’s a new rec list ;) Although, for the Sterek fans following me, this is strictly other fandoms, sorry. Been away from Sterek in a while and that’s the result! Here’s a listing of what you’ll find!

Merlin / Merthur

Suits / Marvey

Supernatural / Destiel / SamxDean / SamxDeanxCas

White Collar / Peter/Neal/Elizabeth

James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) / 00Q

London Spy / Alex/Danny

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) Pairing : 00Q

Temeraire by professorfangirl (lizeckhart) / 8858 w. / E

"At Bond’s age anything like love was trapped and walled away, a scorpion under a glass; what he felt now was like the fire at Skyfall, filtered through icewater light. And yet it was there, it was possible: one more reckless leap, one more deadshot fall, one more defiance of loss. It was there, waiting in the way Q’s eyes lingered on him, the intelligent desire in their depths, patient, saying, 'we have almost all the time in the world'."

Does Your Mother Know? by sorion / 17561 w. / M

“He told me… that he’d loved and trusted people with his life before, and that it didn’t end well. And he told me… that he would trust me with his life… and his death.”

“Wow. Now I don’t know which one of you to warn off of breaking the other’s heart, anymore.”

The Inevitability of Time by dhampir72 for missMHO / 27055 w. / M

When they meet for the first time at the National Gallery, Bond has a strange sense of deja vu.

For the 00QNewYearParty as a gift for missMHO.

Mister Kiss Kiss Bang Bang by sorion / 31571 w. / M

Despite Bond making a kind of running joke out of Q’s “exploding pen” remark by requesting one at every opportunity… it was Q who mentioned it first. The reason behind it is quite simple. They both like to blow shit up. And then they realise that that's not the only thing they have in common.

Denominations by WriteThroughTheNight/ 33299 w. / Series / T

Part 1: Denominations by WriteThroughTheNight

"Q confirms that he's an Empath three months before his first day of primary school, and the deciding of Denominations that comes with it."

OR Q is smarter than anyone gives him credit for, and an Empath to boot.

The Haunting of Skyfall Lodge by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria for shipimpala / 36522 w. / E

All his life, Q has seen ghosts. For years, he's searched for scientific proof to back up what he knows to be true. Finally, he starts a YouTube channel to chronicle his adventures of exploring haunted sites. His latest location: Skyfall Lodge.

Yours, J by swtalmnd / 41104 w. / Series / G to E

Part 1 : Yours, J by swtalmnd

Bond sends letters. Q is vexed. Q-branch starts a betting pool. There are an appalling amount of sweets. Also, 002 is a bit of an arse.

Alley-Cat Quartermaster by Only_1_Truth for MinMu / 41274 w. / M

This all started with a conversation with my Queen of Plotbunnies and Paladin of Writer's-Block Slaying, MinMu: So many fics include Bond breaking into Q's flat. What if it was the other way around?

Summary: After the death of M, everything is in shambles. MI6 is trying to stay afloat and not let its enemies scent blood in the water; the new Quartermaster is orchestrating a flurry of activity to keep his branch at pique efficiency and therefore his agents alive; 007, the agent hit hardest by the death of the old M, is going through the motions and throwing himself into his work. Everyone is a little bit broken, and a lot exhausted. So when Bond and Q end up together in unexpected circumstances, perhaps the outcome should not be so unexpected...

Ordinary Numbers by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 44 175 w. / T

More than anything, Mike Taylor wanted to be ordinary. Being a genius, he learned early in life, meant people expected too much. A career at the MI6 Help Desk seemed the perfect way to guarantee a lifetime of obscurity, until he got a very unusual tech support call.

Bewitched by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria for Jennybel75 / 51888 w. / M

A few months after the Skyfall incident, Q's sister gives him the excuse he needs to finally take a last-minute holiday at her cottage in Wales, but a priority two security threat means Q can't go alone. For James Bond, the choice between a visit to Psych to discuss overwork or two weeks in the countryside is no choice at all — especially not with the lure of his enigmatic young Quartermaster as a companion. Then again, 'enigmatic' doesn't even begin to cover the truth of who the Quartermaster really is.

Perfect Fit by saturn_in_retrograde / 53189 w. / E

Two men. Three continents. Ten cities. Twelve months. Time and trouble enough to fall in love. In which Q sweeps James off his feet with his awkward flirting, genius intellect, smart mouth, sexy librarian cardigans, raunchy sense of humor...and those red, red lips like cherries.

Mercenary by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 66075 w. / E

Five years ago, Commander James Bond of Her Majesty's Royal Navy left England in disgrace, escaping a court martial -- and what should have been a promising career in MI6 with Alec Trevelyan, his oldest friend. He becomes a mercenary, selling his military expertise to the highest bidder, though not once does he act against England or her interests. Now, new intelligence has possibly located Bond in the United States, and Alec is tasked with the mission to bring him back to MI6. But to do so will require a very unique type of field operative -- one Bond will never suspect. Enter Aidan Green, codename Q.

Brave New World by ForzaDelDestino / 70581 w. / No Rating

After the events at Skyfall, life was different for Agent 007. M was gone—no, there was a new M. There was a new Headquarters. He had a new flat, in which he was still unpacking boxes of belongings. And--bloody hell!--an associate of Raoul Silva had materialised. Then there was the matter of that new, young Q…a lanky, bespectacled boy with a mop of dark hair, who was in serious need of an attitude adjustment...and far too wary when it came to what Bond had in mind for him.

[References to quotes from Skyfall and one or two much earlier James Bond films.]

Quriosity by dr_girlfriend/ 82391 w. / Series / 82391 / E

Part 1 : Quriosity by dr_girlfriend

COMPLETE! Bond finds himself increasingly curious about his enigmatic Quartermaster.

Excerpt: "Your prior hotel is no longer secure, I will direct you to a new location. Your luggage has already been transferred. A field agent and medic from the Diréction Générale de la Sécurité d'État will be waiting at the side entrance. I have cleared them both personally." In contrast to his crisp dry English, Q's pronunciation of the French words was fluid and flawless, the throaty tone of the fricatives sending a surprising jolt of awareness straight to Bond's cock — all the more remarkable given his degree of blood loss. "You're wasted on Q-branch, you have the voice for a phone-sex call-in line." The words slipped out of Bond's mouth without forethought, although he had plenty of time to think in the sudden pause that came afterward and stretched on for endless moments. Bond hadn't realized until now how Q was always there, with an immediate reply. In all their banter Q had never before been at a loss for words. Ever.

Red Queen to Overwatch by BootsnBlossoms, Kryptaria / 86175 w. / M

After returning from the dead, James Bond moves into a new secure flat, only to find that his new neighbour is either: a scruffy teenager, a brilliant computer geek, a mad scientist, or the sexiest genius he's ever met. Two of these things turn out to be true. Well, three, once the Red Queen gets involved.

Blue-Eyed Monster by Only_1_Truth / 118361 w. / M

Yes, this version of 007 was a terrifyingly smart agent, and M wondered long and often whether it had been a good idea to promote him to the position. Usually, the title was the dangerous part - being 007 meant deadliness - but this time, M feared that a certain man with ice-blue eyes and scruffy blonde hair had dragged in more danger to the title than it had previously possessed.

Enter MI6's new Quartermaster: an unassuming, bespectacled genius with no mind for subterfuge but plenty of genius behind a dry smile. Curious 00-agents and young boffins don't always mix in predictable ways...

The Love Song of James Bond by Fightyourdragon / 204 407 w. / Series / E

Part 1 : The Love Song of James Bond by Fightyourdragon

“Knowing your history, and adding to it the fact that I am not entirely unaffected by sharing a bed with you, I think it would be pointless to pretend that we are going to able to share this house for the next two weeks without fucking over every available surface.” Q smiles at the look of shock on James’ face. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting such a direct approach and Q presses on before he has a chance to recover. “However, when it happens it will happen on my terms.” There was definitely a significant gap between the time Bond was breaking down over M's death in the chapel to the time a confident Bond walked into Mallory's office to accept his newest assignment. What, or more importantly, who, put him back together again? Basically, lots of porn with plot.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and Sherlock Pairing : 00Q, Sherlock/John Watson

The Love Affair of Willoughby Holmes and James Bond by LadyRa / 31057 w. / Series / G to T

Part 1 : Why Mycroft Worries Constantly About His Youngest Brother or How Willoughby Holmes Wooed and Won the Heart of James Bond by LadyRa

The youngest Holmes holds a minor position at MI6, but somehow still manages to do more damage than Mycroft at his worst.

Post Skyfall AU, Q is a little younger and a tad more innocent, and Alec is a good guy and still alive.

Reichenbach Falls didn't (and won't) happen.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and London Spy Pairing : 00Q, Danny Holt/Alex Turner

*If you don’t know London Spy, please go watch it, if only because Ben Wishaw’s in it and awesome as usual!!!

Face of Innocence by FaerieChild / 6268 w. / T

During difficult times, James Bond retreats to the Mediterranean island of Corsica and the home built for his late wife Theresa di Vicenzo. Onto his private beach stumbles a young man who is clearly a lost soul. Both have known loss, both know what it is to feel alone and in that first moment, something nameless sparks between them.

The Truth of Truths by blackidyll / 8747 w. / No Rating

For weeks, Q has no idea who the man with a permanent bed in MI6 Medical is. Well. More that he doesn’t quite understand the significance of Alistair Turner, why MI6 decides to keep him within headquarters instead of transporting him to another facility, one more suited to caring for a coma patient. Then M gives Q orders to find a program created by a certain MI6 cryptanalyst, a program now in the Security Service’s possession, with strictly worded instructions to scour it from existence. And Q understands.

A London Spy/James Bond crossover where Q and Danny are entirely separate people and they lead their lives as they did in the series and the movies. The key here is that Alex works for Bond and Q's MI6 - the one portrayed in Spectre and headed by M(allory).

Secrets, Spies, and Family Ties by Brihna / 37778 w. / M (Series but I only liked part 1)

When Danny Holt shows up on Q's doorstep, he is unprepared for the tale he has to tell. Is MI6 really responsible for the death of Danny's partner, or is there more to these strange happenings than meets the eye? Q must decide just how far he is willing to go to help his brother find the truth.

Fandom: London Spy Pairing : Danny Holt/Alex Turner

*If you don’t know London Spy, please go watch it, if only because Ben Wishaw’s in it and awesome as usual!!!

It's more than what it cost you by Teatrolley / 1916 w. / No Rating

Alex loves Danny’s sweaters, but he also loves Danny in the suits, and the secretiveness of the bee-printed socks and sunflower-printed pants he’s wearing underneath them. Danny wears the sweaters less, but it’s all right, because Alex learns to love this new side of him, too.

__ What Alex means, during the soulmate conversation, is that love has to be adaptive to last. His is, but is Danny's too? Alex isn't sure.

Supersymmetry by drinkbloodlikewine, whiskeyandspite for GulliverJ / 24335 w. / M

Alex holds his hands in Danny’s hair, placing a kiss against his brow. It will have to suffice as apology for now, surely the first of many. He doesn’t wait a moment more than that, however, despite how badly he wants to feel Danny close to him, despite the frequency at which they vibrate together. Their waves must propagate faster, first, rising in pitch before they can settle to low and comfortable quiet. Alex fakes his own death and he and Danny leave London to finish his work elsewhere.

A story of a scientist and a romantic, speaking different languages and saying the exact same thing.

Fandom: James Bond (Daniel Craig’s) and White Collar Pairing : 00Q, Peter/Elizabeth/Neal

Whoever Fights Monsters by circ_bamboo, feelslikefire / 107327 w. / E / (Series but I preferred this part)

"Should I start, or would you like to?" Neal asked Q.

"Are you going to draw this out?" Q said. "It's really quite simple. Some years ago, before MI6, before Neal's little bond mishap—"

"Alleged bond mishap," Neal said—mostly out of reflex, Q thought.

"You were convicted by a jury of your peers," Q said. "It's somewhat less alleged at this point. Nonetheless, before . . . that, Neal and I . . . were acquainted."

Or: When Q hears that the FBI is bringing one Neal Caffrey to British soil for an investigation, he's fully expecting trouble with a capital T.

Naturally, what he gets is much worse: par for the course when you're dating James Bond and you're old friends with an international art thief.

Fandom: White Collar Pairing : Peter/Elizabeth/Neal

your favorite old-fashioned fairytale romance by sinead / 12443 w. / E

Such a small touch, that whisper of skin against skin.

Perfect Beautiful Good by OnYourMark / 16201 w. / E

Neal Caffrey doesn't know it, but he's probably the best thing that ever happened to Peter and Elizabeth's sex life.

Never Leave A Trace by copperbadge/ 16664 w. / E

Neal Caffrey can steal souls. Peter Burke has two shadows. Everything's normal...except when it isn't.

The Love Nest by china_shop / 17488 w. / E

Neal came into Peter's office and closed the door after him. He seemed pensive.

"Um, Peter?"

"What?" Peter looked up, caught himself blushing, and looked back down at his paperwork. "What is it?"

"Your wife just asked me out on a date," said Neal.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : Destiel

Famil(iarit)y by Niitza / 14914 w. / G

Deep down Dean always knew, from the moment that skinwalker bit him all those years ago, that this is how he'd end up: a stray, unwanted by dad - who stopped seeing him as anything else than a watchdog for Sam a long time ago -, and unwanted by Sam - who wanted him to be anything but.

So here he is, with nothing but his own senses and fangs to keep himself safe and fed, with nothing but his own hide to keep himself warm. And winter's just getting started. Fortunately, he's found the right kind of town to get through it, the right neighborhood to pilfer until the worst is past. Even, maybe, the right house.

Skazka - A Woodland Fairytale by Angrysouffle, Nishka / 17786 w. / E

Satyr Dean's seemingly idyllic existence of getting drunk and debauching virgins is chanllenged when he meets Dryad Cas. Friction and embarassing leaf munching ensues. Throw in a half-Demonling brother who is keen to look up tree sex in the lore and Cas' suspiciously sexy sensing root, Dean is about to take phallic worship to a new level. Will this unlikely couple find their happily ever after?

The Lonely Sea and The Sky by whelvenwings / 23212 w. / G

When Dean, a little lost and a little lonely, finds himself wishing on a star one night, he doesn't expect anything to come of it, and certainly not for the star in question to fall right out of the sky.

The very last thing that he could have possibly anticipated is Castiel - winged, angry and looking for the grace that he lost in the fall, so that he can get back to Heaven. Dean's a little fascinated by Castiel, and Castiel is intrigued by Dean and his seafaring life. But Castiel has to go back to Heaven, and finding the grace has to be his first priority, even though it often seems he would rather put Dean first.

But Dean knows it's foolish to hope. After all, a bird may fall in love with a fish - but where would they live?

The Mirror by cloudyjenn / 24568 w. / M

When Dean touches a strange mirror, he's whisked away to one alternate reality after another and it doesn't take him long to realize the universe is trying to tell him something.

When Charlie Met Cas by riseofthefallenone / 24666 w. / M

Charlie is back in all her glory. The Winchesters have showed up on her doorstep and she’s making the best of it the only way she knows how. By being the little sister Dean never wanted and shipping the shit out of Destiel.

There Might Have Been a Time by SailorChibi for Mirenithil / 24692 w. / E

Like everyone else Dean has always looked forward to his 21st birthday, when his countdown timer would appear and tell him how much longer he had until he met his soul mate. And at least then he would know whether or not he was an alpha like John always wanted, even though the name of his soul mate was written in a weird language he couldn't read.

But then it actually happened, and Dean was positive he actually met his soul mate... unless that was a dream.

On the other hand, as the years go by and his countdown ticks away, the increased strength and vision, lack of a need for food or sleep, and weird new growths on his back that seem to be growing feathers(?!) suggest otherwise...

The Request by cloudyjenn / 36770 w. / M

When Sam Winchester prays for his brother, Castiel is finally sent on his very first assignment. But what should be a simple love match turns into much more and Castiel finds himself risking everything to ensure the happiness of his extremely frustrating charge.

An Accidental Incubus by jupiter_james / 39969 w. / E

On a hunt gone wrong, Dean finds himself cursed to be an incubus. While Sam and Charlie rush to find a cure before the change is permanent, Castiel decides to become Dean's "offering" when the hunter begins to deteriorate under the effects of the change.

The Souls of Men by nagapdragon/ 40641 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

Sam hates that moment in an exorcism, right after the demon leaves, when the daemon explodes into a puff of gold and they know they’ve failed one more person. Every time they finish a job where someone doesn’t make it, Aurora curls around Machaera in a silent reminder that far too soon, they’ll have to watch Machaera turn to a pile of gold dust, too.

Starting in Season 3 and moving on through the timeline.

Try-Something Tuesday by almaasi / 48284 w. / E

Human AU. Dean Winchester teaches a third-grade class. He's new to this whole ‘bisexual’ thing - but by pure happenstance, he meets Castiel: a particularly dapper male librarian who moonlights as a substitute teacher. Dean's curious and Castiel is willing, so why the hellnot?

Except, fate never intended it to be one-time-only... (with art by valiantparadox)

The Prophet Must Die by imogenbynight / 54455 w. / M

"What about Castiel? He seems helpful... and dreamy."

Something about the comment just isn't sitting right, and Dean's jaw twitches. He stares at the wall in the dark, and at a quarter past four in the morning, it hits him.

"Asshole," Dean hisses under his breath, sitting up straight, "that sonofabitch kept publishing."

In All Your Borrowed Finery by vanishingact / 67950 w. / E (Equal part Sabriel!!)

Dean finds an interesting symbol in Kevin's angel tablet notes and, against Sam's counselling, uses it in the heat of battle with a pair of angelic assassins. Side effects include pain, disorientation, and uncontrollable new appendages for the Winchesters. A disgruntled Castiel and a delighted Gabriel show up to help. Hunting (and life) gets interesting when wings are involved.

Includes artwork! (Both relationships are featured in detail, but the plot happens to be *slightly* more Sabriel-driven.)

Forget-Me-Not Blues by noangelsinthegarrison / 68689 w. / E

Sam and Jess are getting married and Dean couldn’t be any happier for them. Honestly, they’re kind of disgustingly perfect for each other and Dean’s pretty damn excited about staying with them the week before the wedding. He’s Sam’s best man, of course, and he doesn’t even mind that Jess has her own best man to share in all the organisational duties. The more the merrier, right?

Except Dean must have done something to epically piss off the universe because Jess’s best man just happens to be Castiel friggin’ Novak. He’s got even hotter since High School, but apparently no friendlier and if Cas wants to spend the week pretending like they’ve never met before? Fine. Two can play at that game.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam). by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse) / 69693 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam). by Vera (Vera_DragonMuse) / 69693 w. / E (Also Sabriel)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

All the Way by cadignan, Guu / 80919 w. / E

Castiel spends the first two weeks of college in much the same way he spent the previous years: alone with his books. He’s fine with it—he enrolled in college to learn, after all. Then in his first chemistry lab, he has the bad luck of being paired with snide, good-for-nothing Ruby, and the further misfortune of sitting behind Dean Winchester, the world’s most beautiful distraction.

Ruby catches Castiel staring at Dean and makes him an offer.

Have Love, Will Travel by squeemonster/ 94054 w. / E

Castiel Novak is a reclusive writer with a childhood so tragic it's left him terrified to leave his home—until his overbearing brother, Gabriel, drags him out for a night on the town full of booze and strip clubs, and he encounters Dean Winchester, a mesmerizing and mysterious stripper with secrets of his own. Both men find themselves inexplicably drawn to each other, and soon Dean's private dances for Castiel become much more, as both men confess their troubles and find solace in each other's company. But neither can seem to find the courage to take their relationship further than the intimacy of the club's VIP Room—and just when Dean's own brother gives him the excuse he needs to finally admit his feelings, Dean discovers something that brings it all crumbling down. Will they find a way past their demons and their trust issues, and back to each other?

The Best Years of Our Lives, My Ass by ireallyhatecornnuts (CharleyFoxtrot) / 110801 w. / E

AU after Season 8, episode 6, "Southern Comfort."

Dean goes to sleep in a motel room in Texarkana, and he wakes up 17 years old, in his childhood bedroom in Lawrence, Kansas, 1996. He has no idea how he got there, why his parents are still alive, why his brother is an adorable freshman with no memory of his adult life, and why the only ally he has in this place is the angel he left behind in Purgatory – somehow also 17 years old. They have to get out, that's the important thing. Only, falling in love with his angel wasn't a part of the plan....

Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt/ 115159 w. / Series / M and E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

Part 1 : Kiss the Baker by Ltleflrt

Jo is pregnant and craving something a little bit unusual. When she sends Dean on a mission to find her some chocolate cake donuts with bacon sprinkles, he's sure that he'll fail. Luckily his partner Benny comes to his rescue and introduces him to a quirky little bakery that sells all kinds of weird (and delicious!) baked goods. And they do special orders! Dean finds excuses to keep going back, and Castiel finds excuses to keep giving him special treats.

Cursed Or Not by Ltleflrt / 115223 w. / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

While experimenting with magic when he was a kid, Sam accidentally cursed Dean. Now, Dean is forced to wear a spelled amulet constantly, or he'll turn into a random animal. For a little over a decade, he's learned to live with the curse, and has even found it useful in some cases, but he sure would be happier without it.

When he meets a witch named Castiel, he's offered a deal. Instead of assuming all witches are bad, Dean can spend a season getting to know him. If at the end of the season, Dean still thinks he's evil Castiel will send him away with his memory wiped of the whole experience. But if he learns that Castiel is not the monster Dean assumes he is, he'll lift Dean's curse. It's an offer Dean can't bring himself to pass up.

Hooked On Your Love by Ltleflrt/ 122217 w. / Series / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

Part 1: Addicted To You by Ltleflrt

Dean is a Warlock. A very very drunk Warlock. Oh, and a horny Warlock. Hey, he knows how to summon a succubus! He should totally do that. Hell yeah! Guaranteed hot sex! Except that spellcasting while drunk is a Very Bad Idea. He's just too drunk to remember that.

Painted Angels 'verse by WinJennster / 133969 w. / Series / All Ratings

Part 1 : Painted Angels by WinJennster for ANobleCompanion

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped.

Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.

Satin and Sawdust by Ltleflrt / 159594 w. / E (ltleflrt.tumblr.com)

When Castiel moves out of Jimmy's house and into his own place for the first time, he saves money on buying a home by investing in a Fixer-Upper. He knows nothing about how to fix the many problems the house has, but he figures he's smart enough to figure it out. Unfortunately it's not too long before he learns that he's way in over his head.

Thankfully his new neighbor Dean is a handyman, and agrees to help him out. He knows Dean has a bit of a crush on him, but he's not taking advantage of it, really. Dean's a great guy, and quickly becomes a good friend. But a flash of satin under Dean's toolbelt changes everything.

Like Cats and Dogs by sweetdean / 188749 w. / E

Dean Winchester, Alpha, lead Hunter for the Pack, is in need of a mate. His wolf is out of control, he's on edge, and nothing seems to be doing the trick. Dean is convinced that he'll never find a mate, but when the Pack's Council forces him to figure it out before he ends up going rogue, Dean doesn't have much of a choice.

Problem is, Dean isn't interested in what the members of his pack have to offer; and that means looking elsewhere. Dean knew his mate would have to be different. He just didn't know what "different" would really mean, and how "different" would bring his whole world crashing down on top of him.

Angel's Wild by LimonadeGaby, riseofthefallenone / 389271 w. / E

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels.

Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God,protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Writtenby:riseofthefallenone Artist and co-author: limonadegaby

Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone / 909874 w. / Series / T and E (this takes serious dedication but so worth it... don’t be scared ;))

Part 1 : Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : SamxDean (no rude comments plz!)

Stay The Distance by lazy_daze / 23934 w. / E

"You know why. I'm not leaving my brother alone out there."

Sam is dependent on Dean's touch and closeness after the wall falls - Dean's presence reminds him of why he chose to wake up, and keeps the memories at bay, allowing Sam to function.

The brothers have to face up to what happens when their Winchester codependency becomes literal, and the physical, spatial and temporal boundaries of their bond blur the line between familiar and suffocating, comforting and limiting.

Hit the Ground Crawling by jonny_vrm (elmo_loves_me) / 28122 w. / E

After Sam pulls Dean out of Hell, Dean stops talking. It takes a week for Sam to convince Dean to open his mouth so Sam can check that his tongue hasn't been cut out. It takes two weeks for Sam to accept that Dean really isn't talking. Then it takes a week of silence, the two of them sitting in the Impala like ventriloquist dummies, sitting in motel rooms like human taxidermy, before Sam decides to start talking for the both of them.

Old Country by astolat / 40639 w. / E (crossover Harry Potter)

Sam and Dean go to Hogwarts.

(spoilers for All Hell Breaks Loose, Deathly Hallows)

Courting Death by theproblematique / 50723 w. / E

Sam Winchester lived the first six months of his life in a happy family; the next twelve years as John Winchester's only son, and the last decade as an orphan. He's supposed to die at twenty-two trying to save the woman he loves from a fire, because he doesn't have a brother to pull him back. But the night Sam meets his Reaper he discovers that Death is overly fond of pop-culture references, too beautiful to be real, and reluctant to kill him.

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : SamxDeanxCas (no rude comments plz!)

Not a bird by zation / 11100 w. / E

Castiel finds himself alone in the Winchesters’ motel room and as he waits for the brothers he feels the need to groom his wings. Sam and Dean eventually arrive and things get out of Castiel’s somewhat confused hands.

Or, The one where Sam just couldn’t let that opportunity pass him by.

Share Each Other Like An Island by TheGeminiSage / 27576 w. / E

Dean never expected to see his amulet again, much less with Sam's soul inside. But after a century in Hell, Sam's soul is broken so badly that Castiel says it'll take a lifetime to heal, and that's a lifetime they don't have, not with Sam's body still hellbent on killing Bobby.

Together, Dean and Castiel set themselves the task of learning the amulet's complicated history, and just what Sam did on his last night on earth.

Enfleurage by saltandbyrne / 29155 w. / E

Castiel is a struggling perfumer with a rare gift. When a handsome new customer orders a custom scent for his husband, Castiel is drawn into a world he never imagined. Dean and Sam have secrets, and Castiel might be the only person who can share them.

CollegeAngels.com by tiptoe39 / 33540 w. / E

AU. Dean and Sam have always been a little too close, and Dean knows it's wrong -- so he heads to college, hoping that he'll meet someone there who will keep his mind off his little brother. He meets Castiel, who has a business proposal for him --- join Cas in bed, and online, for live webcam site CollegeAngels.com. Through Castiel, Dean learns about sex, kink, and freedom, and he finally feels pride instead of shame for who he is.

But then Sam gets accepted to the same school, and he wants to live with Dean...

Fandom: Supernatural Pairing : None

Into This Wild Abyss by jacyevans / 17809 w. / T

A year after Sam jumps into the cage, Dean finds him alive, but missing an integral piece of himself - his daemon, Astrid. Dean knows she isn't lost, and he and his own daemon, Saskia, embark on a quest to find a way to bring her home. Their search brings them to Lyra Belacqua, a mysterious hunter who tells them that the only way to find Astrid is to speak with Death. Death offers Dean an ultimatum: become Death for a day, and he will do everything in his power to bring Astrid back. However, this means doing the unthinkable - Dean must leave Saskia behind.

Fandom: Suits Pairing : Marvey

In The Middle (Before I Knew I Had Begun) by PanBoleyn / 4398 w. / M

It's an accident, when Mike touches Lyla. But everything follows from there.

(Or maybe everything follows from the moment Rhi saw the golden tiger and all she could think was how beautiful she was.)

love will come through (it's just waiting for you) by tattooedsiren / 7113 w. / M

"I just need more time," Harvey says, almost begs.

Because he's not ready for this, not yet. He knows, the way he's certain Mike does too, that if they do this then that's it. For better or worse, this will either make them or completely ruin them.

They are standing at the crossroad of that, but he's not yet ready to choose his path.

The Cat That Walked By Himself by Xanthe / 8737 w. / T

Everyone has a soul animal, but the ability to see them has faded. Harvey Specter possesses not only the ability to see them but also to transform into his own soul animal. Harvey likes to think of himself as the cat that walks by himself, but that changes when he meets Mike Ross, and comes face to face with the rarest soul animal of all…

Extract: If Harvey hadn’t had the Specter gift for seeing into a person’s soul and glimpsing the true self within, then he would have sent Mike Ross packing the minute he showed up for a job interview carrying a suitcase full of weed. The reason he didn’t was because he looked into Mike’s soul and saw something he’d never seen before - and it shocked him to his core.

Second Spin by machtaholic (cinderella81) / 12999 w. / M

It all started when Kyle broke one of Harvey's records. Kyle knew a guy who knew a guy. In comes Mike Ross, owner of the record shop Second Spin.

There are sparks, but both men are fairly stubborn ... but don't worry, this is me. It has a happy ending. :D

a life sentence (in your arms) by tattooedsiren / 13086 w. / T

Harvey doesn't know why the following words come out of his mouth. It's the lawyer in him, he supposes, always trying to get to the truth of the matter. And besides, he's been accused of many things over the years, and tact is rarely one of them.

"So, are you a prostitute?" Mike bursts out laughing.

"No, no I'm not. But it's a common misconception. I'm a professional cuddler."

something inevitable by tattooedsiren / 14853 w. / E

He would be lying if he said he wasn't tempted. Because he has known Mike for a grand total of twenty minutes and already knows that Mike would work hard, could excel if given the chance. And more than that, he likes this kid, his bravado and cheek, the way he can give back as good as he gets. And Harvey only expected to find someone he could tolerate; he never anticipated finding someone he actually liked. But he can't do it. There are bigger things at play here. He would be betraying Jessica - she’s done so much for him, more than he could ever enumerate, and hiring someone with no degree is not a fine way to repay her.

So as much as he wants to go back, to say, "You're hired, you start on Monday," he can't. He won't.

Instead he says, "The coast is clear."

[AU in which Harvey doesn't hire Mike in the pilot episode.]

Crescendo by smartalli for starskeeper / 26334 w. / E

Music & Lyrics inspired AU. Harvey Specter was on top of the world and on top of the charts – until his father died and his partner betrayed him, abandoning Harvey to launch his own solo career. Without him, without a partner to compose the music, Harvey’s career is in jeopardy. And with just a month left until his album is due, the clock is ticking. He thinks he’s done for, until he passes by a storefront and sees a man in a gray hoodie, hunched over in front of a piano, fingers flying over the keys.

Grande Soy Triple Dirty Chai by friskaz / 38301 w. / M

Every fandom needs a barista au.

Original prompt on the kink meme: "Harvey is (still) a lawyer. Mike is the only barista that gets his coffee order right, and isn't afraid of a bit of intelligent and snarky banter."

I don't feel right (when you're gone away) by IDreamOnlyOfYou (lauren3210) / 47575 w. / E

Harvey loves his suits. But there maybe something else he loves more. He just needs a little something to help him realise it before it's too late.

Better Days by turnyourankle / 58520 w. / E

June, 1999.

Mike Ross has just graduated high school, and is about to enjoy one last carefree summer before attending Columbia University. With two part-time jobs, demanding friends, and having to prep for college, Mike thinks his summer is set.

What he doesn’t expect is developing a crush on his friend’s older brother.

Pizza-Verse by Closer / 65613 w. / Series / T to E

In an alternate universe, Harvey's still the best closer in New York but Mike's not a runner for Trevor: he's a pizza deliveryman, Harvey's favorite pizza deliveryman. And Harvey's discovery that Mike's more than he lets on will change everyone's lives...

Told and retold through Mike, Donna, and Harvey's point of view, with new scenes and reactions each time.

Part 1 : Pizza And A Movie by Closer

Fandom: Suits and Teen Wolf Pairing : Marvey and Sterek

Uneven Odds by Dark_K / 93273 w. / M

Harvey is having a tough time adjusting to the way things are at the firm right now. Mike doesn't know if he'll ever have Harvey's trust back. Derek is afraid he's made all the wrong choices, and Stiles... well, Stiles may be a little too broken to know what to do anymore.

The one where they are brothers - they just have no idea what that means.

Fandom: Merlin (BBC) Pairing : Merthur

The Wall of Arthur by supercalvin / 4557 w. / M

In a surprisingly good David Attenborough impression, Gwaine said, “Here you see the remarkable mating ritual of the Merlin and the Arthur. Which involves mostly insults and swearing.”

Or: How Merlin and Arthur Met and Why There is a Restroom Wall Dedicated to Arthur’s Ass

Strike of Lightning by helloearthlings / 4830 w. / T

Uther's commandment was very simple: If there should come a day when Arthur met his soulmate, he would drive a sword through their chest and kill them on sight.

All's Well That Ends Well by StormDancer / 6298 w. / E

Merlin spent the week and a half that Arthur was gone splitting his time between crafting careful explanations that never ended up explaining the important things, the things that would make Arthur listen, and making half-baked plans to escape to Ealdor.

He found a number of fire-proofing spells that would have no effect if they decided to cut his head off, and figured out how to adapt an invulnerability spell he had been trying to find a way to cast on Arthur without him noticing so that it would protect him from being decapitated, but it would have no effect on anything but metal.

Despite all his frantic searching, he did not find a teleportation spell, because that would have been too simple and if there was one thing Merlin had learned in his years at Camelot, it was that nothing was ever simple.

The Pact by Cori Lannam (corilannam) for vissy / 17700 w. / E

The ancient Albion Pact demands that the Prince of Wales must take someone magic born as his soul-bonded consort by the time he is 30 or face death. Before he was a Detective Inspector Warlock, Merlin Emrys was young and in love and made a promise to Prince Arthur -- and now Arthur is calling it in.

The Crown of the Summer Court by astolat / 24339 w. / E

"The king sent me to get you," Merlin said, with a tone that implied strongly that he wasn't rolling his eyes where Arthur could see, but just wait until his back was turned.

"He said you're to get changed into formal clothes and meet him in the Great Hall, there's a delegation coming from the Summer Court."

The Practice Boyfriend by giselleslash / 24495 w. / M

Merlin’s been in love with Lance for years, but he hasn’t had much experience dating and he wants to figure out the ins and outs of dating before Lance comes back into his life.

Cue Arthur and his manwhoring ways, ready and willing to show Merlin the ropes.

Stars Above, Stones Below by Destina / 46843 w. / E

After the disastrous end of his betrothal to Gwen and the regret of his offer to Princess Mithian, Arthur swears off finding a wife until he's ready to wed. When Merlin offers himself to Arthur as bedmate, Arthur suggests they hand-fast in secret for a single year of mutual pleasure without obligation.

As their year together unfolds, and secrets and betrayals unravel around them, Arthur and Merlin learn there is no such thing as uncomplicated pleasure. Everything they thought they knew can change in the span of a single year.

Emrys Ascending by tricksterity / 110864 w. / T (crossover Harry Potter)

In the depths of the Crystal of Neahtid, Merlin sees the resurrection of Lord Voldemort, an event that will tip the balance of the world so far out that only he has the power to intervene and set it right, or stop it from ever happening. For that, he'll have to pose as a student and attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The only problem is, he's been chosen instead of Cedric Diggory as a Triwizard Champion, and there's a recently reborn Arthur Pendragon in Gryffindor House.

A Modern Manservant by Mamalazzer / 112645 w. / E

A modern magical comedy very loosely based on Ugly Betty.

Publishing king Uther Pendragon has had enough of his playboy son seducing every female assistant he has ever had so he hires Merlin, a man he is sure Arthur will never sleep with. Merlin would be more insulted by this fact if he wasn’t so busy trying to juggle his duties, save Arthur's skin from ruthless fashionistas and keep his magic a secret at the same time.

Expect appearances by oil-lathered knights, the occasional mad druid, a perverted Will and a mental caretaker who lives in the basement and keeps harping on about coins and destiny.

The Student Prince by FayJay / 145222 w. / M

A Modern day Merlin AU set at the University of St Andrews, featuring teetotal kickboxers, secret wizards, magnificent bodyguards of various genders, irate fairies, imprisoned dragons, crumbling gothic architecture, arrogant princes, adorable engineering students, stolen gold, magical doorways, attempted assassination, drunken students, shaving foam fights, embarrassing mornings after, The Hammer Dance, duty, responsibility, friendship and true love...

This story was inspired by the thought of Prince William of Wales (and indeed the current Max von Hapsburg) studying at the University of St Andrews; it is also, as the title suggests, at least a little inspired by the operetta 'The Student Prince'.

And that’s it lovelies!! Hope you enjoyed the rec ;)

#supernatural #destiel #samxdean #samxdeanxcas #marvey #suits #merthur #merlin #white collar #nealxelizabethxpeter #london spy #alex x danny #rec list #my rec list #other fandoms #00Q #james bond

1K notes · View notes

thesinglesjukebox · 7 years

Video

youtube

KESHA - PRAYING [8.50] We've got the number one slot ready for her...

Leah Isobel: "I hope you're somewhere/praying" is one of the most perfectly manicured fuck-yous I've ever heard, and I've heard -- and written, and thought, and sung -- a lot. (He deserves them.) The music nods at large-scale drama but, rather than letting the drum and piano echo into space, the thuds stay close to the ear, like Kesha's singing to her own heartbeat. (I'm still alive.) She fakes forgiveness but knows that, ultimately, it's not hers to give. (Do I want to forgive him?) I can't imagine how humiliating these past few years have been for her, to have a such a profoundly horrifying experience made public knowledge; I can't express how happy I am that she pulled through, stayed herself, and seems more enthusiastic about life than ever. I missed her. (I once knew someone who probably hated her music, and probably would hate this song too. I hope he's somewhere praying.) [9]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: "Praying" begins with a lie that was spoken to Kesha. What follows, though, is multiple truths. Truths about the pain inflicted upon her ("You brought the flames and you put me through hell"), truths about her struggle to overcome ("I had to learn how to fight for myself"), and truths about her self-worth ("You said that I was done/well you were wrong and now the best is yet to come"). The second verse features a particularly beautiful line: "When I'm finished, they won't even know your name." That's a reality Kesha believes in not because of private details she'll divulge to the world but because of a confidence in self and the art she'll create. "Praying" is a huge middle finger to her perpetrator, make no mistake, but everything always points towards Kesha and how strong she is. In the chorus, her decision to be forgiving becomes clear, and we're forced to recognize the peace she's come to know. In showing this grace, she unburdens herself and is positioned above her transgressor. As a result, she comes out the undeniable victor. For those who have been abused, there is hope. And Kesha will be the first to tell you that that's an irrefutable, certain truth. [9]

Mo Kim: I didn't so much cut ties with the Christian church as I drifted away over time, leaving behind a sea of small miseries too heavy to float over. The pastor who preached peace with one hand and wielded a belt with the other. The retreat where sneering youth leaders baptized their unwilling siblings in rundown pools. The room of worshipers nodding vigorously to a man who wanted to cleanse the earth of fags like me. What can I say? It's not always one event we salvage out of our unspoken histories, never just one moment at which we learned how much pain a person can inflict on us. And maybe that's the frustrating thing about trauma: that it slips out of your hands the moment you try to name it, even as it worms into our being in ways that transcend its details on paper. I wonder how much of Kesha's story we will never know; how much of what she endured at the hands of Dr. Luke has been lost in the shuffle of testimonies and court statements. But I listen to "Praying," and the music says everything that words cannot. I lose myself the way I once wished I could in worship, in soaring piano lines and drums that sync themselves to my pulse and vocals so sharp I fear they'll leave chapel wood splinters in my fingers. These sensations feel grounded not only in what Kesha has survived, but also what she has salvaged, building a holy place that can bear the weight of both her pain and her strength. And even as I cannot claim either as my own, I still find myself on the floor every time this plays, knees bruised, hands clasped together. [10]

Joshua Copperman: I'll talk about the note first; a shout into the insurmountably toxic void, the climax of a harrowing vocal performance that nonetheless feels fully in control, refusing to truly be angry. It's the song in miniature, which never becomes a kiss-off and remains empathetic despite everything that's happened to her. Indeed, "Praying" is not just about forgiveness, it's about the perhaps vain hope that she can forgive at all. The F6 is empowering, symbolically taking back control over her own voice, but it is also despairing. As Kesha says herself right before, "some things, only God can forgive." On the production side of things, Ryan Lewis properly uses the power that usually just propels Macklemore's indulgences, wisely choosing to accentuate the already clear dynamics of the song instead of going over the top. There's the way the drums come in without so much as a warning swell, the haunting counter-melody in the bridge, and the vocal distortion when Kesha finally belts on "the best is yet to come." It's not Ryan's song though; he's only there to accentuate Kesha's intensity. [9]

Alfred Soto: In a singer less powerful and committed than Kesha, the piano melody would send me under the covers. In any other song than "Praying," I wouldn't give a shit about autobiographical details. [7]

William John: Release a ballad promoting empowerment and the need to remember one's worth, include some big notes, and set yourself for the throngs of pale imitators on music reality television. That's the conventional narrative. But courtrooms have availed us of specifics in this case, and in such context, "Praying" carries with it so much more catharsis, so much more voltage than other songs of similar denomination. There's also an unusual contrast between the go-for-broke-ness of the F6, the way the drum thuds enter with all the momentum of an avalanche, the rasp and ferocity of "they won't even know your name!!!", and the unexpected chivalry of wishing nothing but the best for that person who has wronged you. One would think that sentiment would undercut the song's clout; that the message should be "fuck it all and go to hell," and that's the end of it. But "Praying"'s potency is all the more extraordinary for its positing of the perpetrator as the true repository of shame and humiliation. "Praying" is evidently personal and critical to Kesha's own healing, but if that scream is enough to allow one victim of abuse to realise that their internalised shame is their perpetrator's cross to bear, and not their own, then the song has served its purpose. [10]

Alex Clifton: I first heard this song at 8:45 on a Thursday morning; I wept openly in my cubicle. I can't actually listen to this song without crying. This is a song that's more than Just a Song: it's emblematic of Kesha's entire fight with Dr. Luke, and it shows her finally able to control her life again. It's soaring, glorious, chilling. It's exactly what she needed to put out, and it's perfect. [10]

Stephen Eisermann: I have a hard time listening to this song. The rawness in Kesha's voice, the honesty in the lyrics, the piano melody, and the choral backing make for an atomic bomb in music form. Every time this song comes on I hear a new vocal tic or I hear a lyric differently, and every time I just want to sit with, cry with, and hug Kesha. Here she both takes on her assailant (fuck you, Dr. Luke) head on and with restraint; she is both vengeful and forgiving, or at least she's trying to be the latter. Best of all, though, is Kesha's decision to sing her truth. None of this is "pretty," "beautiful," or "inspiring;" no, instead, Kesha gives us the ugly truth of rebuilding yourself after relentless sexual abuse. I haven't ever suffered from it, but I always struggle with hearing songs about bouncing back from serious issues like Kesha's -- it feels as though in an effort to be inspiring, most songs ends up trivializing major issues. Picking up the pieces in the aftermath of such abuse isn't easy, and it's about damn time someone plainly said so in a song about one of the worst things that can happen to any human being. [10]

Will Adams: The choir and the big drums and the strings and the triple-forte piano chords don't mean shit -- all the force comes from Kesha herself. Growing steadily from simmering to explosive, her resolve while staring a monster in the face remains intact. No matter any of the song's weaknesses; this is a triumph. [7]

Edward Okulicz: This track is such a sensational strategic coup, a flat-out fuck you to her abuser that he has no hope of responding to without losing the battle, that it's beside the point whether it's a great pop song for anyone else. I find it vocally impressive, emotionally vivid, and extremely believable, but also something of a chore to listen to, and the preying type may not be the praying type. But it's not me who needs to hear this song. I can only applaud Kesha for grabbing the upper hand in her fight in such brilliant, brutal fashion. May her detractors be tarred and feathered and her album be stuffed with bangers. [5]

Maxwell Cavaseno: The inherent wrath of Kesha's last few years makes the strengths of the ballad undiminishable and its weaknesses forgivable. The tragic note is that all of her talent in show as a weapon is now a trapping of redemption. Many will look at the early material in a light of disgust given it's tragic associations with Dr. Luke, ignoring that the only way it had succeeded in the first place was her talents. "Praying" ends up discarding humor and a certain kind of visual excess in order to become someone who can be given the respect she's always deserved. All the same, it's not her fault that people need the most obvious of metaphors for how hard she's struggled. [7]

Katie Gill: The most common refrain you hear about Kesha is people not realizing she can sing. Someone'll pull up a video of her performing "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" and the comments are inevitably something along the lines of "this is the 'Tik Tok' girl?" With "Praying," Kesha firmly puts those doubts to rest. It's an amazing single that straight-up yanks on your heart, especially when you consider the real world struggles that poor Kesha's had to go through in the past few years. Everybody'll talk about that amazingly high note after the bridge or how Kesha pushes her voice to new heights and strong, powerful levels, but the soft moments in "Praying" are just as touching. That brief moment at the start of the second verse where she sings "I'm proud of who I am" makes my heart flutter every time. Welcome back, Kesha. We've really, really missed you. [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

#Kesha #Praying #TSJ Best of 2017

16 notes · View notes