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Made by @pereczke 🥨 (aka me)

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“when did they start going out? see for yourself, they’re clearly dating.”

or: ik jun and song hwa being obvious to everyone except themselves

I willingly chose to listen to Christian music today, so I guess here’s a post on why it’s a Big Deal ™ to me, as I try to sort through my feelings (lol).

It’s been over a year (or at least 268 days since the last post) since I’ve left the traumatic experience that was Grace Youth Klang, and I think that finally, after all this time, only did I actually realise the extent of the manipulation and stress and pressure we were under.

Were we perfect? Nah. But we worked really hard to try to be at least good. And I think people failed to acknowledge that we tried our best, but maybe, at the minimum, they failed to even acknowledge that we tried.

Leaving church was and (still is) a hard decision I knew I had to make at that time. And it was easy for people, I guess, to say that people always leave as if they didn’t care in the first place, or that people don’t try hard enough to stay. But I think that it takes a certain maturity to make either decision - to stay, go through the shit, and make things better, or to realise that an environment is too detrimental to you, and to step out of your comfort zone to work on yourself.

I left church, and didn’t join another one. I left youth and it was a hard decision, even after already having left it. And I guess here’s what people don’t see - that leaders, no matter the adults or the youth or whatever in between, are humans too. But that leader title brings certain expectations, and that results in either one - people being put on a pedestal, or two - people being thrown into the fire pit to be scrutinised.

And lol no gifts for you if you know which one we fell into.

I left church and I was so angry at God. I was angry that even though I was going through a difficult time of my parents splitting up, people seemed to expect me to be nice and loving to every one else outside. Like who cared Samantha was going through a hard time, right? She’s a shit leader because she didn’t pay attention to the youth. Who cared that so many of us were constantly giving, and getting nothing back every Sunday? We fell so deeply into a pit of serving that we never saw the way out, because if we stopped, if we showed a moment of weakness, if we missed a second, “the blood would be on our hands”.

And I think it only got clear afterwards to many of us, when I (or we? I don’t speak for the others I guess) stopped serving because then FINALLY did we actually have the time to get left alone with our thoughts. Finally, did we not have anything to do with our hands and our time. And when I finally did get that time to reflect, this is what I felt - nothing.

I literally felt nothing. At one point, I genuinely did not remember what emotions felt like, and the only two ways I could react to anything and everything was to cry, or to be angry about it. And if I actually had the courage (and money), I probably should have gone to therapy, because at that point of time, there were many instances where I thought, “hey, I can’t feel anything and that’s worrying. If I hurt myself will it make me feel something”? But I guess lucky me for being the type that let depression (if that was what it was) weigh me down to the point of inactivity (and also I guess it was God keeping me safe in some way because I couldn’t get over how the blade I would want to use was the one to cut my uni assignments, and did I want blood and rust all over my prints? No. And did I want paper in my blood? Prolly not aso.)

And that messed with so many aspects in my life, including my relationships. Because how could I feel love when the one place, the church, that was supposed to guide and accept sinners like me summarised everything we did into scathing comments and negative adjectives as if we were just a Twitter scandal?

#rebellious #DoingItForTitles #OnlinePrayerMeeting (to play with phones, not pray!)

Or my personal favourite for myself, #confrontational and #crybaby because people were personally calling up others to rig the camp chairperson votes, and it was extremely vital for outside people to say I changed and like to cari gaduh, or that I was just stirring up shit for the fun of it (guess the cry baby title was true cos I cried into my corn in a cup at the Subang KTM station when I got those texts lol).

And I blamed God, but it wasn’t God’s fault. It was the church’s, or at least select people in it that made it this way. It was the gaslighting and the manipulation and the stress and the never being enough for the select people in church that made it this way.

But that’s where we failed too. We wanted to be enough, but we would never be enough. Parents would allow their kids to drink, but when it came to us, those same rules didn’t apply (like wah, your gossiping equals to 2 sin points, but any of us drinking?? 100 sin points!!!). People would talk about the importance of healthy relationships etc, but when some of us were starting to date, we were judged instead of being given the foundation for a healthy relationship. People would say we never did enough for the youth, but don’t send their kids to youth anyway.

And of course, when we all started to fall apart, instead of being given the grace and support to overcome and to get better again, we were just bad influences that did jack shit. I guess hearing sermons about people rising up from bad situations is cool and inspiring, but when your own youth leaders go through it it’s time to play god and judge ‘em.

But after this time, I guess I realised that while the church is supposed to be the body of Christ, it’s not God itself. We would never be enough for people, but we would be enough for God. And maybe that’s where I lost sight of the whole point/ purpose of why I was serving/ in youth in the first place. I was there because I loved (love?) God. We were there because we wanted to give back to God, it only so happened that by doing that, we had to serve the people. And sometimes, some people might’ve thought that we were there to serve them.

So, I listened to Christian music today. For the first time in a year, listening to it made me feel somewhat at peace. I didn’t feel like vomiting listening to it, and I didn’t feel anger. I still don’t feel ready to go to any church, but I guess this is a stepping stone that I didn’t think I would ever reach. It’s a step above that small thought in my head telling me that despite me maybe not believing in God anymore, that I still kinda do, and that he’s still there waiting for me to get back, if I ever want to.

Today might be a good day, I think, because maybe I want to. But who knows? Let’s see where this goes.

An elephant casually stealing and then returning a wildlife photographer’s hat 

(Source)

this thing is called bai-bao-jia.The Chinese used it to store flat items about a hundred years ago.

does anyone else just absolutely crave the gray, gloomy autumn weather where the sky is overcast and the air feels like rain, where you can sit in your windowsill with a cup of hot tea and candles burning, and the deep gray of the sky contrasts with the fiery orange and bright yellows of the trees? where the air smells like wet leaves and it's cool outside, you can put on your favorite sweater and go for a walk in the light misting rain?

because i sure do.

i crave this shit!! and it's only july

An open letter about my time at Grace Youth Klang.

I first joined when I was 13. It felt like I didn’t fit in - I was too old for GCC, too young to truly understand the youth. I flitted around, unsteady, slowly learning, slowly observing. But I thrived, eventually, even though I remained the “quiet” one there. I was forced into a zone far from my comfort. I learnt about media, taking photos and videos while not knowing what the butt an ISO was. I helped in events, in fundraising, in leading teams in camp even though I was definitely NOT a people person. I won, three years in a row (still a braggable achievement). I lead the worship team (tried), working my way up from being a backup singer. I learnt how to harmonise. I became a “leader”.

I’ve noticed - so many people, so many adults, see the easier parts. They see us hanging around at the foyer, laughing too loudly while collecting forms. They see us always at church, playing games, never leaving Taman Chi Liung restaurant. They see us taking an Instagram story of Kevin and Teo playing around, of us lying down on the somewhat clean 2nd Hall floors.

But what they focus on is this - us speaking up when we disagree with something. Our tendency towards “defying authority”. Our “laziness” when we can’t commit to yet another thing, yet another event. Our lack of cooperation. Our inability towards working with whatever person they put to lead us. Our inability to submit to authority. Our inability to bow down, and accept things for what it is.

What they don’t see, what they didn’t see - we were still just kids. We were leaders yes, but we were still youths who didn’t have a pastor to guide them. They didn’t see that we were still young people, trying to make it better for the younger ones, figuring out the unknown slowly. They didn’t see the time we so carefully carved out, from piles of university assignments to come to church for practice. They didn’t see the Sunday lunches we take so late to collect forms, and the times we leave our late lunches to collect more from those who couldn’t do it earlier. They didn’t see the personal problems we had- the burnout of giving and not receiving, the family problems, the friendships lost, the emotional turmoil. They didn’t see the numerous night long meetings held to discuss ways to improve the youth, ways to be better, to foster the spirit of excellence in everything we do. They didn’t see the times we unfailingly attended our prayer meetings and cell groups on Fridays after hours long of standing in the KTM, or the month long trainings or camp meetings we had every Saturday morning. They didn’t see the WhatsApp messages that the leaders sent to keep up with the youth, they didn’t see how those texts grew into friendships that were/ are treasured. They didn’t see that we didn’t have the time for ourselves, because we so willingly invested it in the youth.

...how could they say that we were cliquish, when all we had were one another?

Being a leader wasn’t great, but it was good, sometimes. I truly treasure all that happened in my years serving. I learnt to get a thick skin, because people are going to tell you that your work isn’t good enough and that you aren’t cut out for it, even though you’ve already given years. Because after serving non stop and feeing burnt out... maybe I just “wasn’t made for serving”, right?. I’ve gotten the chance to meet so many types of people - from the ones who will preach about knowing every single name and yet never refer you by your name despite asking for it 3 times, to the friends who will cry with you in the KTM, ready with a hug, when empty cans start to make noise. I’ve gotten to learn about myself, to work my way towards the career I will ultimately choose, I’ve gotten my first hand experience on handling clients civilly, when someone wanted the youth logo to be rainbow coloured. I’ve learned to stand up for myself, to stand up for others, to ask questions always, because it’s the right thing to do. You build each other up, you correct one another. You do not keep quiet when you know something is wrong.

Being a “leader” isn’t a cool title to bear, nor does it mean the cool custom shirts that we made and paid for ourselves at the start for use in formal events. It means sweeping the 2nd Hall floor, stacking up the chairs, early mornings and late nights for preparations, meetings with mistakes thrown at you, trainings that you sacrifice weekends for, agendas you disagree with being pushed at you. It means doing the things that people don’t see you doing, and getting called lazy, anyway.

I’m not going to say that I’ll forget the bad times here. I’ll remember the terrible politics in a place that’s supposed to be used to glorify god, I’ll remember the adults that smile at you and gossip behind your back, I’ll remember the manipulation, the lies, the misuse of “God told me to do it” or “God spoke to me” to justify a decision that is so clearly not thought through. I’ll remember the hypocrites who’ve showed everyone just how holy they are, and how they can never do wrong. I’ll remember the people who “cared” about the youth so much that they spread around about how the leaders just stayed because they cared for their positions.

When I attended SIB that one rare time, I remember someone sharing about a youth saying this to a pastor, “thank you for letting us make mistakes”. Maybe that’s what’s lacking all this while - the ability to make mistakes and to grow from them without fear. We’ve made our mistakes, yes, but each one has turned to a weight that constantly adds unto our shoulders, a fault to add unto a long list of how we always fall short.

We’ve made our mistakes, but so has some of those in authority. But instead of giving the same treatment we’ve received, we’re expected to submit to authority, unfailingly, unquestionably. But well... we’re not the first to leave, and we’re not even the second. And in all of this - we weren’t the common denominator.

Honestly, I could go on and on. About their faults, about my hurt, about my own faults. But from all of that, apart from the lessons I’ve learnt, what I’ll want to remember is this: the time Aaron Koh spilled coffee into Dillen’s nose when we all lied down in the main hall, tired from setting up for Starry Night. The time we found puppies in the drain and washed the stink out of them and got them adopted. Making wire tags for Hydrowar in the second hall. Our voices cracking when we can’t reach a note. Early first day of camp mornings and the rush to get campers settled. The late nights in camp, eating our dinners when the campers ate their suppers. Prepping for GA gifts and camp junk food with Cheryl. Building the whole stage deco wrongly twice and then building it up again only to realise that it’s upside down. Playing “bang” or uno in the multipurpose room. Soaking sessions with the committee, just one guitar, maybe one piano, and a whole bunch of young adults crying for more. BR with David, JRR and Aaron. Honey chicken rice at Taman Chi Liung, and peanut butter milkshakes at Pink Dugong after. The tired, bittersweet feeling after camps, putting the stuff back from the vans and lorries. Lying on the wheelchair ramp, too tired to move after camp at Ipoh. Ranting with Aaron Shawn. Khishan’s horrible watermelon gummies, and him making the church yeet. Josh Tan laughing so hard that he snorted maggi out his nose. Prepping for Sunday group sharing/ devo with Sam Swee at McDs. Chermaine and Cheryl teaching me how to harmonise. And so many other more that I can’t name, because that would take ages.

I left grace youth after I turned 21. I’ve lost my faith, and I’ve tried (am trying?) to rebuild it. I’ve lost some friends, and got people who now mean so much more. I’ve learnt that there’s a time to fight, and that there’s a time when fighting will never be enough. And I know I’ve left the youth earlier on, in January, and now Grace itself, but it feels apt to leave a grammar mistake ridden, ranty post about my time in youth because it’s where I’ve grown so immensely. I will miss it, but it’s time to be at places we will grow.

2018 highlights

In no particular order:

- Learnt how to code using js, html and bootstrap

- coded my first website from scratch

- learnt 2d animation, created an animated trailer with Kher Wei, Jess and Jowyn

- learnt 3d animation/ modelling; made a short with 3ds Max

- sold my first lettering deco item for a wedding

- sold a foiled wedding deco item

- completed the entirety of finals!!!

- entire finals collection got chosen to be exhibited in the Sunway open day

- got my first, and hopefully last, Best Friend (can’t mention the word in case Chermaine reads this and I want to win the bet lol)

- made new friends in uni

- went to Thailand for a school trip! We partied and played around more than doing actual work (and my finals weren’t even inspired much apart from a part of the concept) but it was v fun and v inspiring.

- drank a shit tonne of Thai green tea

- got my minc machine!!!! Finally!!

... adding to it as I remember

RPG’s be like

I have learnt to be okay for so long that I don’t know how to not be okay. I don’t know how to let it out when all I’ve done is to keep it in, I don’t know how to say that I am not okay eventhough my mouth says otherwise. I don’t know how to take deep breaths, because no matter how much I try, the air going in is not enough. I am a sponge and there is no button to turn off what I am absorbing and everytime I squeeze a little bit of the liquid out, I am placed under the running tap again; just dirt and more dirt pouring into me.

When I was younger, I watched a tv show where the character just had this feeling that they wouldn’t live long. That they somehow knew that they would die young and that there was nothing ahead for them. And maybe it’s a young kid thing to be curious about that, and to try to be the character. But recently I’ve had this feeling. And I don’t know whether I’m starting to believe it’s true.

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