#but like. id still love to know why my head literally always hurts. why i never dont have a headache
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i think there's still a few hours left for your gala, right?? 👁 if so, id like to request 💻 the angst prompt "no, im actually not ok," w austin.. maybe some h/c after the oscars? 🥺🙏
i don't know what i'm feeling
fandom: austin butler | elvis ( 2022 )
rating: g, t if you really squint.
pairing: austin butler x gender neutral reader
word count: 802
warnings: austin being sad post oscars. talk about the oscars. talk about the whale.
author’s note: thank you anon and you were right i did have a few more hours when you sent this to me and was hoping someone would allow me the chance to do a hurt and comfort with this. full disclosure to everyone, i said it once before, if austin was going to lose to anyone, i did want it to be brendan because i was iffy on colin. however, i despise of the whale as a movie- and truly wish brendan had won for literally anything else. so do not take anything i have austin say as my own opinion on the movie itself. i hate it.
this is for my 1k gala with the angst prompt of “no, i’m actually not ok.” and saints preserve me i'll live in my universe where i made this boy drunkenly say to his girl some nasty sexy things post oscar. also i'm not the biggest fan of this but i can't tell if that's purely because i'm in my own head about it or not. still hope you enjoy. also i didn't mess up my word count for the third time in all my gala pieces, what are you talking about.
It's an honor to be nominated. It's an honor to be put in the same league as actors who've been in the business for decades. It's an honor to be nominated along someone who's going to grow with him in their crafts. If he was going to lose to anyone everyone had said it was going to be him or Brendan and damn if he didn't think the man deserved it. The Whale was tough to watch but it was good- it was the sort of thing that earned an actor their Oscar. He shouldn't be- He shouldn't be feeling the way he does. Bill didn't get a single award all season and Colin went from a frontrunner with him to the afterthought along with Paul.
He can't even talk about this with Barry because it was always Ke's one to lose and he wasn't going to. Maybe Angela- but hadn't hers been wrapped in the grief from losing Chadwick. He still can't believe he heard Samuel L Jackson make a noise for him of all people behind him. He should be happy, this is the start of him finally making a difference. Making his fans proud and happy for him like Elvis. Making his mom proud that all her work wasn't for nothing. Making Lisa and Priscilla proud wasn't for nothing but why does he feel as if it was in this moment. Why is his brain just telling him this is how it starts? He'll have this whirlwind of three years and then three projects back to back to back only to have nothing afterward. Angela feels him tense a little- she must have because she looks at him and squeezes his hand once again before nodding over to you.
You- you can help ease his mind, once you're in the car he'll talk to you, whisper in your ear how this was not how he thought this night would go. His eyes meet yours and you smile gently before shrugging a little. He watches your lips mouth "love you" before he focuses on the last of the awards. It's a bit of organized chaos leaving the theater and it almost seems as if there's just an Elvis line of people walking around hand in hand like a bunch of kindergarteners before Austin and you finally get into a car and you squeeze his hand. "You okay?"
If it was anyone else, if it was Baz or Liv or Catherine or Kelvin or Luke- if it was anyone he'd lie. But you deserve the truth in a way that very few people do in this circumstance. "No, I'm actually not. I- I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm mad but I shouldn't. I was nominated for an Oscar. I used to dream about this. I almost won an Oscar!"
"You have a Golden Globe! And a BAFTA!" You remind him, your voice matching his in volume before your hand moves to cup his cheek. There's a wet bit that you brush away with your thumb. "You're allowed to feel something, Austin. It doesn't make you a bad person or take away from Brendan's win because I know you, I know we're going to go the party and you're gonna see him and he's gonna give you a big dad hug and you're gonna gush. And you're gonna bounce up and down with Ke and make sure Baz doesn't drink too much because Catherine asked you too."
The laugh that bubbles up from him is wet sounding, covered in unshed tears as he sniffles. "Forgot how I'm gonna tell Luke about Polly making me do some moves for party tricks. And how Kelvin is going to remind me to-"
"Chill out?" You finish like that's actually what Austin was going to say before he shakes his head, allowing himself to just rest his head in your hand.
"Something like that. I just thought- I let my hopes get up." Austin whispers and you frown.
"No one blames you for that, you know. I don't. Tell you what. When we get to the party, how about we just sit in the car for a little bit until you calm down. And then when we get there, we just relax. Just for a little bit until you stop hurting so much. I'll shoo away the cameras with my charm." Austin raises an eyebrow knowing that isn't always how things go with you and him.
"Yeah? No fighting that'll get us both in trouble?"
"Pinky swear." You hold out your pinky as you move to kiss Austin. "Now, how about we focus on our plans for after tonight. I believe someone promised me a vacation?"
Austin's answer is a hum before he gives you another kiss. "How do you feel about the mountains?"
#austin butler#austin butler angst#austin butler x you#austin butler x reader#austin butler x y/n#austin butler fanfic#austin butler fluff#austin butler fanfiction#ally's 1k gala#ally writes
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hi! this is a question about pansexuality that i fear asking. tbh i don't really care what anyone identifies as. everyone's part of my community to me. i am trying to wrap my head around bi v pan stuff as someone who is neither. i know bisexuals who are critical of the pan label because to them it distinguishes bisexuality as starkly Not being pansexuality. when definitions of bisexuality have included "attraction regardless of gender, or to all genders (and including trans and nb people)" for many bisexuals since like the 70s which is how i see pansexuality defined a lot of the time
i know that bi and pan have always been concurrent labels and they have a lot of overlap and that some ppl use them interchangeably. and i truly don't care that ppl id as pan. but i do feel weird seeing it juxtaposed to definitions of bisexuality that aren't inclusive of all bisexuals? (ie that bisexuals aren't attracted to ALL genders, just two or more.. when many bisexuals Are attracted to all genders! part of bisexual history is that people have been fighting to let others know Bisexuality is more inclusive than the literal like latin meaning of bi = two). i don't know where to stand on this divide. i love pansexuals and the pan label and the right to self determination in identity but i do understand the argument that it feels hurtful in a biphobic way to say it is inherently a distinct sexuality from being bisexual when it's. like. many bi and pan ppl would define their sexuality in the exact same way other than a difference in specific label. i feel like people hate this opinion lmao!!! please help! even if you hate my opinion too i literally feel like i need guidance KDBDBS
Tbh I think there's a lot of historical context to this whole convo, and I don't think you're alone in being confused. And honestly given the amount of info you have, I think you're in a pretty respectable spot about it. (And I say "historical" here in the sense that I am. 25. and I'm mostly talking about the things I have either seen firsthand, or read about/heard about from others.)
So like- when I was a Young Queer, it was very common for people to define "bi" as meaning "men and women" (or even "cis men and cis women"), and thus "pan" rose to popularity as an alternative to essentially mean "everyone, including trans and nonbinary people".
This was like, early 2010's? And I'm talking about other Young Queer spaces and interactions. And you kind of have to remember that in that time, it was kind of radical to tell people not to call things "gay" if they didn't like them. Joking that people were trans (usually in terms like "lol Justin Beiber is a lesbian") was common even in progressive spaces. I was stunned when a friend of mine asserted that they were just gonna stop using the r-slur, like, at all.
So I can kind of understand why "pan" might have felt like a needed thing at the time. I think it felt like a kind of shorthand for "I'm cool with trans people", and at least from my perspective, that was something you very much needed to state back then.
I think there are a lot of people my age who, if they don't still understand "bi" and "pan" that way, at least kind of "get" where that definition is coming from. And yeah, it's ahistorical as hell! "Bi" has always been inclusive of trans people. Not to mention people have been defining it all sorts of ways for a long time now; there are a ton of definitions out there, and how the word is defined often depends on who you ask.
But then you ask: if we know "bi" is and has always been trans-inclusive, why does anyone still need the word "pan"? And I think the answer is... complicated. And extremely personal, tbh.
This happens with queer language all the time; as terms are cycled out in favor of new ones, people who've been using them hang on regardless. Sometimes they don't know the language has been updated, but usually it's more than that. Usually they have more of a personal relationship with the word, and the community, that they can't just give up in favor of a new word.
Maybe some people who do understand that "bi" is not actually a transphobic term also still view "pan" as shorthand for "I'm cool with trans people", and that's important to them. Maybe they grew up with that word, formed relationships under it, and came out with it. Maybe the pan community impacted them in some profound way, and rejecting it over shifting definitions just doesn't feel right. There could be any number of reasons.
The other part of this is that much as people have come to understand the original definition of "bi" more widely now, the definition of "pan" and "bi" both have taken on multiple definitions as well. I've seen a lot of definitions that seem to exist just to differentiate the two. For example:
Bi: attracted to multiple (but not necessarily all) genders
Pan: attracted to all genders
Bi: attracted to all genders, but in different ways, or with preferences
Pan: attracted to all genders essentially the same
Bi: attracted to multiple (or all) genders
Pan: attraction regardless of gender
I've also seen people use "bi" as the umbrella term, and "pan" as a more specific label beneath it (often with one of those pairs of definitions).
And you mention that "bi" has a lot of different definitions and understandings- so does pan! How a person understands those words, particularly when they identify with them, is going to be deeply personal and very likely very different from the next person. I think a good rule of thumb is to assume that whoever you're talking to may just have a different definition and understanding of the word they're using than you do, and try to ask them about it if it concerns you.
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Before coming here id like to say that your headcanons are incredible and I have been binging on them because Dethklok is my new hyperfixation
What are your thoughts on the boys receiving head massage from their partner? Like softly, praising them, maybe forehead kisses, telling them how much they love them.
🥺🥺🥺 @stop-hammertime you’re so so sweet. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry this HC is so late I’ve been busy. Hopefully you like these!!
Nathan - the frontman becomes putty in his S/O’s hands. He just melts into his seat and rests his head back into his partner’s hands letting them run their fingers through his hair and down his neck. He loves the feeling of their sweet kisses and whispered praises. Sometimes when his partner is having a hard day, he returns the favor. He knows it’s never as good as when they do it. But he does his best to rub the same little circles into their temples and whisper sweet nothings into their ear.
Pickles- he is abnormally tense at all times. He can’t sit still and normally hates when people touch his bald spots. But his S/O is special. They respect him. They don’t touch him to hurt him or to make fun of him. They touch him to love him. To heal him. So he relaxes when they massage him. He can’t always guarantee that he could sit still but he tries his best. ADHD is a bitch.
Murderface - the first time his partner massaged his head, William literally was speechless for hours afterwards. He’d never felt so good. So relaxed so… loved. Days later when his partner didn’t explain themselves, Murderface finally demanded one. Why did they scritch his scalp like that?! Why had they rubbed his temples and kissed his forehead?! Why had they rubbed down his neck and jaw making him shiver and wish for more! He loved it!! He loves his S/O! Standing before his partner catching his breath he realized that he had just confessed… he did love them… he loved them more than anything.
Skwisgaar - he loves to pamper his partner and as much as he loves their massages, he’d much rather massage them. He loves to slide his long fingers through their hair and massage their scalp, kissing their neck, lips, temples and nose all while making sweet love to them. But when his partner insisted on massaging him. He never complained, except to insist that they made sure not to tangle his hair.
Toki - he is baby. He loves to be touched and loved on. He craves is. He is literally the definition of a golden retriever boyfriend. If his partner isn’t actively massaging his head or touching him he gets antsy until they do. He loves laying on his partner’s chest while they run their finger’s through his hair and kiss his head and suddenly he knows. He’s safe.
#thank you so much for the ask#metalocalypse headcanon#metalocalypse#dethklok#toki wartooth#skwisgaar skwigelf#pickles the drummer#nathan explosion#william murderface
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Stuttering Sucks
I have stuttered as long as I can remember. But I think it got worse in college...or I became more self-conscious. Maybe both.
My loved ones have never looked down on me for my stuttering and they always reassure me that they don't care. My boss told me the same a few months back when I expressed a desire to skip team standups. I really appreciate it but it is so hard not to feel bad about myself sometimes.
I don't think stuttering is a disability but it definitely makes life uncomfortable. I don't think some people understand why stuttering can be so annoying and frustrating. Here are some examples:
People ignoring you. My English teacher in grade 9 switched her attention from me one time when I struggled to ask a question in class. That hurt a lot. That kind of behaviour does not happen often though. But I have had experiences where I try to ask something or talk to someone and they disregard me (probably because they don't realize I am trying to speak to them).
Difficulty saying my name when I meet new people. I literally spent the fall semester of my sophomore year avoiding meeting new freshmen in my Christian group because of this. I remember trying to say my name to this freshman guy after fellowship one night and I struggled for at least a minute. I was laughing it off but I almost wanted to cry. Circle introductions sometimes fill me with dread as well. There was another time in sophomore year when I tried introducing myself to this senior girl and I had to eventually give up and use my student id. She was cool about it though (still embarrassing).
Sounding stupid. Having broken speech does not make you sound professional at all :(. You have the sentence well articulated in your head but then you have to switch words or use filler when it comes time to speak. Ugh. It's hard to fully express my ideas and sometimes the people listening to me have to fill in the gaps T-T. It's especially frustrating when I do team meetings or presentations. I feel like I am not explaining myself well.
Talking can be painful. Like almost physically painful. Being tense does not help for sure. But even when I feel relaxed, it's like trying to force a rock out of my mouth sometimes. It's almost like I am fighting against my own tongue. I could be speaking fine and then I stumble over one word that refuses to leave my mouth.
Joking can be awkward. It's a small thing but casual jokes are a part of normal friendly talk. But jokes depend on timing and delivery. I think it's obvious why stuttering would ruin a joke.
I did speech therapy for about a year in college and I am considering doing it again. The final lesson my therapist told me was accepting my stutter. I definitely think about it more than others do so I should not worry about it but it is really impacting my confidence - especially at work. Make no mistake - I am a very opinionated and expressive person so this difficulty does not make me hide at home but you know it just makes me feel bad at times.
There was literally a week in a few months ago (May I think) where people kept bringing up my stutter. Family, friends...even 2 drivers! The two driver guys told me they stuttered too and that it went away with age. It filled me with hope not gonna lie but I am unsure if that will be my case.
Small acts help. Sometimes I ask my friends to introduce me if I meet a friend of theirs to take the pressure off me. Or I use my work id to help introduce myself sometimes. Someone at church found it a bit funny when I did it this week (I had a church event after work so I had my work id on me) but who cares? If it helps.
Thanks for reading my stuttering TED talk. I had an awful week with a bunch of frustrating presentations and I had to get this off my chest and stop my mind from torturing me and spiralling in shame about how I sounded.
#stuttering#stammering#speech impediment#speech impairment#stuttering struggles#disability#kind of but not really#work struggles#the struggle is real#self conscious#embarassment#self esteem#speech therapy#speech
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Hi ive been reading most if not all of your sagau fics and i am just-- omg theyre all sO GOOD
I do have a thought that popped up in my head and i havent seen like, literally anywhere--what would happen if god/creator/whatever they are!reader plays co-op?
Just like--them hanging out with their pals on genshin and fucking around by all being childes and going to fight childe or something AHAHA
Or like--the shenanigans that the co-op people would do and what the characters would think!!
Co-op is such a great concept for sagau and id love to see your take on it!! :DD
I love your stuff by the way, theyre all amazing!! I hope you have a great day!!!!!
SAGAU: Co-op Shenanigans
Note: I had fun writing this. Genshin is still installing on my laptop and I can't play. I already miss doing a long walk from Liyue harbour to Qingce Village just to get bamboo shoots and resources on the way. As per usual requests are open 24/7.
Warnings: OOC ps. I have no clue what I was thinking while writing this. This is based on the people that I have encountered so far.
So SAGAU x Co-op huh?
slaps game BOY I CAN FIT SO MANY INCOHERENT IDEAS IN THIS
You know the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to co-op and it is not the shock SAGAU characters might experience in co-op you know why? Because to live in Tevyat is to expect the unexpected and the things that are out of logic. There's a man pretending to be an adepti, exorcizing spirit and now the spirits are disturbed and want to hurt people? Just another thursday. A dragon visiting the grassy plains before flying again somewhere? He doesn't bite, just don't disturb him. Twins from another world suddenly end up in Teyvat with one being missing and the other solving people's problems and then people selected are suddenly becoming self-aware that they are being controlled by a person called player who lives in another dimension and now people are entering Teyvat with copies of themselves? Huh, that's a lot to take in.
Character reactions to 'them' that came from co-op varies but most of them goes 'oh my god, is this who we are? Is this what we represent?'
Childe originally just wanted to observe the other Childe that enters the world but all of the observation was compressed when he saw three Childes entering trying to find Zhongli and flirting with the player. The mains are so out of control and literally asked the player to enter the golden house to fight him. He admits that it was fun and it was really funny watching the other Childes get confused on who's the enemy in the first phase.
Zhongli is just confused about the other Zhonglis that enter the game. He mentally praises them for being good protectors to other players but he can’t understand why they always look lost and if not lost, distracted. He followed the player once in secret while co-op was happening and there he found a Childe circling a Zhongli and the Zhongli in question suddenly just went around for no reason.
Beidou found the others amusing. Mommy Beidou? Really? The uncrowned lord of the seas didn’t know people were thirsty over her. If their co-op versions are self-aware, maybe she’ll treat them for a drink.
Hu Tao finds it hilarious. Four Hu Tao fighting mobs in low health is fun but three Hu Tao chasing one Qiqi is funner. Too bad it’s not the self-aware Qiqi. The self-aware zombie child on the other hand escaped town and hid in Qingce for a while.
Albedo finds Albedo mains a little funny. They are either ‘wholesome’ as what the player said or a plain menace. Since he’s not entirely sure if the Teyvat where the co-op version of them came from is self-aware, his brain just kept on thinking what if in the other world there’s a version of his prototype as well? WHAT IF THE CO-OP WORLD IS MADE BY GOLD AND WHAT IF THEIR CO-OP SELVES ARE JUST CHALK LIKE HIM?
Ps. he spent months in the lab because of that and it took Paimon’s nagging for him to come out.
While it was all fun and games to others (unless you’re Diluc or Childe who are studying his co-op self and seeing how they can improve) to the traveller it was an attack on nostalgia and longing. They weren't self-aware when the game just started and seeing their sibling being the main in the co-op made them realise that them being separated was not by accident but fate.
It is fate that one of them will be helping the abyss and one of them is helping Teyvat and they can’t do anything about it. It was a stab in the chest and the wound never healed. They can’t have their sibling on their side because as far as they know their journey isn’t over yet. Co-op is a chaotic experience but they are glad it can provide a little happiness by seeing their estranged sibling.
Taglists:
@chihawari
@eccedentesiast-sapphic
@zurithegalaxywolf
#genshin impact scenarios#genshin imagines#genshin scenarios#genshin fanfic#genshin impact#genshin x reader#genshin impact sagau#genshin sagau#sagau#sagau x reader#self aware genshin#sagau x you#genshin x you#genshin impact x reader
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im back thinking again. regarding my last post with how i interpreted ibuki and fuyuhiko's friendship im heavily thinking abt him and hiyoko. hiyoko more specifically tbh. its hiyoko appreciation time. will contain spoilers
imo she should have lived. also tbh kazuichi shouldve died, not her. thats a whole other sauce tho (again) but like. i feel like hiyoko deserved to survive way more, in general. her potential was really there man
i used to hate hiyoko, i still kind of dislike her in a certain way but its because all of that points blame to the writers of sdr2, for the god awful pacing they thought was good, and how they just didn't really bother to show a lot of growth from her before her time was wrapped up? i enjoy how she was the mean character bc there's always gotta be That One Bitch, but i really would've loved for her to survive, for her to heal and live on for mahiru and even to grow close with fuyuhiko, ibuki, hajime and sonia, and she would perhaps even express sadness towards ibuki and mikan's deaths
its like everything that had happened in the game, and all the time they spent focused on hiyoko and what she was going through just went to waste, and they spent the rest on weaker material or scenes. hiyoko should have been given the same character arc fuyuhiko lived to see. and both of them have so much in common already, they'd make a pretty good duo. e.g., they both lost someone they loved (mahiru & peko), they're both mean, stubborn, and quippy but secretly soft around the right people, also hello they literally look related anyway ... the blonde hair and the rosy cheeks . come on. someone on spike chunsoft saw them. but it didnt work out. anyway i feel like they would bond amazingly, albeit very slowly, but they're definitely the duo to just gossip all the time about other people LOL, and fuyuhiko would try to comfort her as well, because he's lost two people
hiyoko wouldn't just easily forgive him of course, i dont think she ever could, hence why i emphasized they'd slowly bond because the tension would be agonizing. she was furious, and still mourning mahiru when she had just died, but she would at least understand him and grow to accept his company and genuine kindness overtime (and she had almost seemed to near the very end??). if she lived to see his genuine growth and saw that he actually cared and that he would do anything to make it up to her, she'd be way less cautious of him. and she'd realize that the fact that they're both stuck on an island in a killing game, and fuyuhiko genuinely seems to be the only one who seems to bother, and the only one who actually sees her. so if not him, who else does she really have, you know. at least, at that moment
afterwards, hiyoko would just calm down and be more cooperative and helpful overtime, she's not dumb at all and she knows what to say, though she might butt her head in at the worst times, she also doesn't put up with bullshit, the same way sonia doesn't, they both act thoroughly bc they're smart. she'd also be really helpful in the trials tbh, i think she'd be the kind to spot out little details
later on she'd have sonia and hajime to support her too! someone has to help her with her kimono.... fuck it they'd all collectively just tolerate her but also encourage her. compared to fuyuhiko she hadn't really done anything bad, she was just hurt. she just needs someone, now that her own someone was gone
of course id love if she stayed hotheaded but just not call everyone a skank or a pig every two seconds, keep her mean side i love a bad bitch, she just wouldn't have kept that mask up, and she'd learn like, "Oh Shit, these people are all i have, and i need them". if she stuck around, hiyoko wouldve been such a good help as a survivor. and just generally more interesting to see, she woulda stuck out to me more in general. wouldve LOVED to see her shine in chapter three, or the final two chapters
hiyoko fans please rise with me. i love her and her dumb pigtails. tldr im MAD she didn't get her redemption like she deserved she was so cool despite also being nasty but she had a CHANCE dude the potential was shining bright in front of our eyes
#i also do genuinely see fuyuhiko and hiyoko as brother and sister#like i see fuyuhiko having sibling energy with a lot of the girls there#but him and hiyoko really click the most#sonia and hiyoko's dynamic is also really interesting to me#sonia would be like the big mom friend of all time#bickering#hiyoko saionji#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#danganronpa
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so i’ve been thinking this over since i watched the new episodes drop for daisy jones and while i am okay with the show not being faithful to the book as things work on the page but not on the screen, im really pissed about billy and camila. like there’s no point to this besides me ranting about how they ruined the characters so much.
cause here’s the thing, in the show they’ve drastically altered billy into being more controlling and manipulative at times (getting daisy to sing the song by kissing her when she asks if there’s anything between them only for the song itself “you’d be more fun to kiss/than to be with”) and while he his definitely those things in the book it’s more so toned down or feels different because HE ID A FAMILY MAN. like the show has me being a shitty husband and dad when in the book after he got out of rehab he cleaned up his act fast. he even told camila that he would leave music for her, his passion, cause he wanted to make it up to her for all that he did. when they’re first dating he’d call her any chance he got even if it was collect just to say “billy dunne loves camila alvarez” (that’s the last name in the show and i’m too tired to grab my book). like even graham says the reason why billy cheated on the first tour was fear of his expectations of being a shitty father like his and that pressure drove him to do what he did. but when he gets out he makes up up to camila anyway he can. he does everything he can to prove he’s worthy of her only for her to say he’s already worthy. AND CAMILA FORGIVES HIM. like she’s angry, obviously, but in the book she just has an idea of a life with billy and tells him he won’t ruin it. so she forgives him, she lets him love his life cause he knows he never wants to make that mistake again and she loves and trusts him. like in the book he tries to bring camila in at every opportunity cause he wants her their as much as possible because even he says “he traded one addiction for another”. so he isn’t hiding the songs from her, she’s actively apart of it and is okay with the songs because she trusts him and billy keeps saying it’s all a metaphor for drugs “cause you can hide anything in a love song”.
which then brings me to daisy. the thing that makes me most upset about them changing a very beautiful and trusting relationship of a man grappling with being a father and his addiction is that he’s being slowly tempted by daisy, not even to her knowledge. like camila is soberitu out and daisy is drugs. everyone described daisy as “if she’s having fun your having fun”, no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t hate her cause she was just so amazing, and how she’s always on something, she hasn’t been herself since she was 15 and only knows the drug addicted alcholic. SHE IS WHAT BILLY NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM. he’s clean, he’s recovered, but yet he still gets urges and has to fight them cause addiction is a disease and it’s a constant struggle day and night and it’s oh so much harder when the impossible woman is dancing outside your view and she’s a metaphor for all the things you can’t have!
and this hurts especially when at the end of the novel we literally see billy with a glass in his hand trying to pour the liquor in his mouth but being unable to because of his family. because he loves them and knows it’s what he has to do. all while camila is being level headed and having a jolene moment to daisy that she needs to leave billy alone. like she’s terrified of losing billy to her but camila doesn’t take it out in a angry “you bitch! stay away from my man!” but instead as two woman, one whose trying to find some stability in life and sees all that she needs in billy and vice versa and the other as someone trying to keep her family together cause she loves being a mom and having a family and doesn’t want that destroyed by billy’s addiction.
like it’s such a beautiful moment and it’s truly this pinnacle of how well written and planned her character is cause most woman couldn’t and wouldn’t do that. but camila knew what she was worth but also knew daisy was too. and even in that conversation camila encourages her to find a life of her own cause it’s still so young AND SHE DOES and even daisy thanks her! and after camila dies she tells her daughters to wait a bit before giving their dad daisys number because camila just wants him to be happy and even ends it cheekily of “they owe me a song”!
like that’s so beautiful and poetic. but in the show we just see them constantly fighting and being upset because of the tension with his addiction and cheating; which while valid CHANGES EVERYTHIBG. instead of having a wife demand her husband pick himself up to be the man she needs she’s fighting him for the man he wasn’t then. but you can’t even fault her cause while book billy was willing to help be a father and help camila during any point he had free time and would even rush home after bad things to remember what was important, she’s left with this man who is nothing like that. he’s barley their and camila us so tired she (possibly) cheats on him with eddie just so she can have her own secret.
like i’m not faulting either of this but changing their relationship ever so slightly has this drastic affect on the full story and what it’s trying to say.
anyway, rant over. i like the show but i’m just annoyed
#i again do want to clarify i like the shoe#im just salty cause they changed so much so it ruins a really good metaphor for billy’s addiction#kelly babels#daisy jones and the six#kelly reads#kelly reads daisy jones and the six#kelly rants#rant
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What are your thoughts on Ethan? Like I see a lot of people say he’s the bad guy for killing all of them but like me personally??? While I hate killing the Dimi’s and Donna (sometimes Moreau, I fucking hate Heisenberg tho and I could not tell you why) I don’t blame him.
His “wife” was shot down in front of him by a trusted friend and then same friend takes him and his baby. Then baby ends up missing and in the hands of “monsters” he then tries to get his CHILD back and proceeds to have his fingers chewed off, and arrow to the leg, blood sucked, hung by his hands, etc like bro is having a bad day. So yeah I’d say killing the people who hurt you, stole your child, and just keeps making your life hell is warranted. He’s not just gonna stop and ask them “hey wanna stop trying to kill me and talk about this” LIKE HELLO???? He’s not just gonna know what type of person you are just by one interaction (and that interaction was cutting his wrist open and drinking his blood) like bro is gonna assume you’re mean and defend himself. AND THEN HE FINDS OUT HIS BABY GIRL WAS SPLIT INTO FOUR PIECES AND SHOVED IN JARS!!!! ID LOSE MY SHIT TOO NGL
just my rant for the day, because I find it so weird that people assume the protagonist is the problem, and the character that were WRITTEN to be evil, are the victims lolz (I love the dimi’s dont get me wrong but I’m pretty sure Capcom didn’t intend them to be head cannoned as anything else but just mean, but the sapphics took over and made them “human”)
i don’t hate him! i preferred empath Ethan more in Biohazard but he’s pretty good as a protagonist. really my only gripe with him (but mostly capcom) was his plot armor bit and the fact he was a LOT different (to me) in Village than he was in Biohazard
but like… dude’s traumatized and went through literal hell 😭 i don’t blame him at all for what he did to get his daughter back, but i’m more frustrated at capcom for giving us these really powerful characters and then just… killing them so easily??
it always irks me when people try to say the lords were victimized by Ethan and it’s like… no? they were victims of Miranda and her grief, but they’re all still very much terrible people and they got what was coming to them
it’s also funny when people try to say he should’ve teamed up with Heisenberg 😭 dude literally wanted to use his daughter as a weapon to take down his mom, why would he agree to that???? some people do need to learn some media literacy
ANYWAYS. i don’t hate him :D i would’ve gone about RE8 differently but i still enjoy the game and the villains within. i think sometimes people need to be reminded that they ARE villains, even if they’re tragic
#asks#i hope that makes sense#i have my gripes about what capcom did to him#and to mia#but he’s genuinely not as bad as people say he is#and he’s not the ‘real villain’#idk tho a lot of his toxic fans ruined him for me
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King's Tide - and now we wait
MAN this was a LOT huh? can't wait til next week's e- oh.
this whole ep had me so tense my back hurts so that's nice
King scoffing at Philip saying "you can trust me" and that giving him away was funny to me ngl
Willow really is the best, she managed to keep a level head
I like how she and Gus kept looking after King through the whole episode. he is everyone's little brother <3
babiesss
"there's always a way to help, you just gotta look for the right opportunity" and he did
MITTENS awww
"Paradise awaits" he tells them, all these people he will kill with no hesitation
"with this spell declared, promise I'll be back" I'M FINE
we can see then that all other coven heads were on Belos/Philip's side, but I suspect no one will be after all this
the way they foreshadowed the arm thing tho
a lil smooch for Hooty :'(
back when things were simpler. you realize they've all known each other for super long huh
yes I DO find it hilarious that Adrien Graye looks like he hasn't slept since Gus messed him up
I think it's neat how for the Draining Spell Philip drew on the ground like back when he used glyphs to warp
something truly nightmarish about seeing people cheering at first, then be scared and collapse as the spell slowly advances
and he really just. leaves. throws the collector out and is planning to leave all these dying witches behind
hilarious that he's wearing that Colonizer Fit™ but even funnier that Luz called him out on it, I could stare at this expression all day
he's like wait do people not wear these anymore???
Kiki is quite pitiful, always seeking the approval of this guy who just wants her gone
"have you as my right hand? I'd sooner cut off my whole arm"
so when Luz gave him the sigil I really thought he'd do that. turns out it was someone else's sigil arm that would be yanked off
damn he really said go die in a hole and Kiki was like sure why not
Philip feared the Collector so much he betrayed and discarded him, and now he's against him. if he had freed them maybe they'd still be somewhat on the same side
then again, idk if this man knows how to interact with anyone without lying and manipulating so there's that
I love them very much
Darius stopped attacking when Healing Coven Witch threatened Eber !! they are besties !!!! how dare they
yes I noticed everyone is shown captured but Steve is NOWHERE in this entire episode
"you too have a strange intuition with these, it took me years to figure that out" his brother, who also loved magic and the Isles, could probably use glyphs a lot easier than Philip, who hated everything about it. the Titan can tell
"you're such a hypocrite" YES SWEETY CALL HIM OUT ON HIS MANIPULATIVE ASS
Witch Hunter General, people are gonna bully him super hard on twitter I can already see it
SHE WAS SO SMART WITH THE GLOVE SO SMART
can we imagine some sitcom of a teenage bi latina girl trying to introduce an egomaniac witch hunter from the 1600s to the Year of Our Lord 2022
Goop Belos design is horrifying I love it
that whole sequence from King's pov. the muffled sound, the chaos as the adults collapse and you can see Hunter's arm all glowy, everything destroyed. oof
"WE don't belong here" "I'M NOT LIKE YOU" yessss
"you guys are LITERALLY the coolest" YEA THEY ARE
the Collector is SO scary and chaotic. Neither witch nor demon, a child from the stars, seemingly has powers that affect reality like no one else's, and yet behaves like a child. How do we stop someone like this
Gus saw Philip's memories too right? seems like it
still trying to manipulate mansplain manslaughter your way to Hunter's loyalty huh, you horrible old man
HE SAID "CALEB" RIGHT? WE ALL HEARD THAT RIGHT ???
"where the failures end up" this messed me up there were so many of them. so so many
the Collector couldn't see King while he was wearing the collar with the symbol
he found the symbol where he hatched. his father was keeping him invisible
"a game called the Owl House" I am so normal about this
King saved everyone but we have no idea at what cost
yeah the Raine and Eda scene? uncalled for. amazing. painful
the Round Boi broke. I repeat, the Round Boi broke!!
god these are children
*SPLAT* goes the witch hunter
did you see Hunter's face tho? how many conflicting emotions from seeing THAT just happen
"King! :D" me too Collector
all of them joining in King's whole "game" with their nervous smiles and poor Hunter's in too much pain so he just *whimpers in agreement*
I love the little jester design
also he really just looked at Philip's centuries long evil plan and went "okay! :) boop!"
this whole part had me so stressed I was like who's gonna cross the door and who isn't AHH
both King and Luz made difficult choices, and once again they're separated from those they care about :( DANA
it's raining. for some reason that hurts me
ANNE BOONCHUY? sorry I had to
Vee! will she join the Mentally Scarred Kids Squad
god these are children (x2)
they are hurt and cold. Hunter holding Gus he is Older Brother now
Camila: *pulls out adoption papers*
and those credits MAN season 3 is gonna be wild
I imagine our group of kids will have to investigate Philip and his brother, so we'll go visit the museum dude to get info.
also what Gus saw in Belos' head might not only help there, but also lead to Hunter having to reveal the whole grimwalker thing
sad season 3 is short bc having shenanigans on Earth with these 5 could be delightful
idk if I want human disguises or Luz can just tell everyone they're really enthusiastic cosplayers or something
maybe seeing the human realm might lift Gus' spirit a lil bit
We didn't get to meet Luz's palisman, but hopefully they're ready to hatch soon
Camila will slap Goop Belos with her chancla with such force he'll never come back
also I do hope we get to see King, the Collector, and all the adults that were left behind who are all safe and sound of course ha ha ha, dealing with everything that happened and probably looking for a way to get the kids back
in conclusion, I will not stop thinking about this episode ever. my kids and I are traumatized
#the owl house#toh#toh spoilers#the owl house spoilers#luz noceda#amity blight#edalyn clawthorne#eda the owl lady#king clawthorne#willow park#augustus porter#raine whispers#lilith clawthorne#hooty#darius toh#eberwolf#philip wittebane#belos#hunter toh#camilla noceda#vee toh#kikimora#long post#very very long post sorry
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Oasis: 1, Latikam: 7, Casarin: 10, Hydrel: 18
(oasis) What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?
Approximately 10 minutes. This assumes "nothing" does not include keeping a watch out, navigation, watching to make sure casarin is paying attention, making snide comments and flipping off other pilots while on the ship. If he's being responsible she likes to go harass alex in the back. On land she's always wandering off on her own away from casarin either picking up essentials he's forgotten again or non essentials lol. She can also be found playing "lets throw bricks at susarikas" (he loves it) to pass the time.
If there's NOTHING to do, she's trapped just waiting, she'll usually pull something she uh found in the street (finders keepers) and carve into it with her knife. No this is mine, see its got my name on it and a little pony too, oh and on this side its got a snake eating a watermelon.
(latikam) What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?
The thing with living for centuries is that at a certain point, everything and nothing causes nostalgic, its the experience of every vazuvyr. BUT latikam has lived through the occupation AND does not live in his homeland anymore, in a way he is a child who remembers past lives but cannot apply any of it to this one. The biggest trigger is that mokubat learned how to cook from vokutlvek, and while they have their different styles every now and then something lines up, he can taste his brothers work in his sons. Its... a lot. Thats the taste he's known through centuries of heartache and love and pain and joy and healing, yet for once he's not here for it. The person who's always been there to run to, lay his head on, and protected him isn't there this time. Somehow disorientating and grounding at the same time.
Seeing casarin and hydrel also remind him A LOT of vokutlvek and azrem. Their stupid little dramas, playing footsies at the table, shoving food into his mouth. Latikam said "I know what you are".
(casarin) What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?
God why did you have pick THIS one for him how did you hone in on this choice. My man keeps repeatedly telling a very specific lie about how okay he is. "haunted" probably isnt the word Id pick exactly. During sf its less of the burden of knowing he lied and more of the fear of someone finding out the truth. And in act 2 when someone confronts him about it he doubles down on "everything is fine" until he's dragged kicking and screaming to the warm saucer of milk. At the end of his life he looks at those years and realizes how stupid he was for putting himself through it and not asking for help, especially now recognizing fjinmars and adaen saw the problem and wanted to help him but he never gave them the chance, but at this point he's too preoccupied by the good run they had and how thats going to be gone.
A specific instance he told this lie to his mother, who he never lies to because she is telepathic, clocked him immediately and he broke down about the whole thing. The thing that hurts him is that he doesnt know why he lied, mama never made him feel bad about this before, he just... felt guilty and embarrassed about all this. idk.
(hydrel) What embarrasses them?
The austisms. He's had people "just tease" him for his expressions and taking things literally and when he's last to the joke. Doesnt like to ask what people mean by things because that usually makes it worse. It's not obvious in the main script but its worth noticing how much differently he acts with his family vs with casarin. Weird. Sure its nothing. Also bringing up past incidents is the fastest way to get 🧑🤝🧑-- points with him, VERY embarrassed when he realized after the fact he overreacted or was rude when he didnt mean to be. Just let him learn and move on.
Also extremely embarrassed if you catch him farting lmao. How dare you accuse him of having a bodily function. I want a bestie divorce.
#''love how these all came back to casarin in some way'' yeah im mentally ill for him#sf#oasis#casarin#hydrel#latikam
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fubu
I've been single for 18 months now. Am I worried? No. Am I sad? No. I just recently had a great milestone for myself. I cannot be sad especially at this time. There are times when I feel so lonely that I download every dating app out there hoping that I could find someone to love and live life again.
I started to contact one guy in the beginning of this year. We connected last year through a dating app but never actually had the chance to meet. So going through boredom this year and looking for people to fill my loneliness, I sent him a text. Surprisingly enough, we met in person in January. He was handsome enough for me to be attracted to him, but over the year that we didn't talked, a lot had changed for him.
We were having a blast honestly. The sex is good because he was "attracted" to me. I am not even sure if that's true. Maybe it's the insecurity talking. He is so sweet up till this day; until I had a problem with what he told me last night.
He knows my body. He knows how to use me for his pleasure. He is into a lot of things I am not into when it comes to sex. It literally took me months just to say, "Yes, Sir" back to him. But I am getting there; slowly. I just hope he doesn't mind me being too vanilla in bed. It may not sound extreme to you but he does me more that once every time we see each other. That is new to me. We don't even last one scenario with my ex before.
Basically, we were never officially dating. We never said that to each other. We never met each others friends. We never went outside just to relax. We never ate out. We just have sex, eat breakfast, thats it. I think the sweetest thing that he did for me is to prepare dinner. There are other sweet things that he does but in reality, we are fuck buddies.
This is not the first time I had a fuck buddy but this is the first time that I somehow feel more connected to him even just in sex. This is the closest emotional connection that I had ever since I became single. But i guess when emotions get in the way, it ruins everything. I actually tried to diss him this year and just not talk to him for a long period of time; a month. In return, he also doesn't speak to me back. Sounds easy right? But I just always happen to see myself crawling back in his arms. I see myself missing him.
He finally mentioned to me that we are friends with benefits. Did that hurt me? Yes. I don't know why exactly but it did hurt me. Maybe knowing that we are not officially dating is not enough. Maybe in life, important things are meant to be spoken out loud. You cannot simply just imagine it. You cannot assume that even if both of you are not saying it, that it is the thing. Communication is king, and he definitely used that against my queen.
We were having fun in bed until he whispered to me that he wants me to remember the moment we had last night so when our thing ends, I will always have that in me. Did that help me? No. Did that hurt me? Yes. And again, I don't know exactly why. Driving back home the next morning, a simple question popped into my head,
"When will it end?"
Will I know when it has ended? Will he tell me? I hope not. It's not gonna help me in any way. He showed me pictures of his past exes and pictures of the people he had fun with before. They are gorgeous people. Again, maybe this is the insecurity talking but it is really different. I am not on his league. I thought that I am his type; maybe he really does, but it still doesn't make any sense.
Fantasizing is still hard for me. I still cant' grasp the whole concept of it. It always mixes with reality. We fantasize having children and raising them and how would they look if his genes are mixed with mine, but it's still not me. For him, I will and will always be just a "friend" he occasionally fucks when he needs it, and I say yes to it. It's the perfect sub - dominant kink fantasy that he likes and he is getting it. He is getting what he wants.
I will dread the day that our thing ends. I don't have any idea. Maybe today is the last day that I will get to see him. maybe its gonna be next month. No one knows. Even for him, I don' even know if he knows when this will end. Maybe his is also thinking the same thing I am thinking and is just waiting for me to end it. For now it's impossible because I am already emotionally vulnerable around him. For what I know is I cannot lose him right now. Not right now.
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i always share existing content but never find myself typing out much anything all on my own.
25 years doesn't seem like it's that much time at all it seems at least to any individual with a full long life already tucked in nice & secure under their belt. i've always been very much so self aware, i guess that's just the reason why i want to die too.
the first 5 or so years on this planet the only things i knew where i felt were loneliness & bewilderingly unfit. i always knew there was not a single place in which id ever actually belong. the next 2.5 years only gave those feelings more permanence, i still clearly recall the ugly dark places my mind would wander off to late at night tucked sweet n sound in the toddler bed adjacent my sisters. even though i didn't know about it then, it's like some force from inside of me knew for a fact that a soul at such a young age should even be capable of thoughts & feelings with so much complexity, i was just as ill as i am now back then, i really haven't seen one aspect of this life without these painfully heavy & ridiculously damaging lenses given to me from the moment of my birth.
i am yet again more than sad within my time here where all i can manage to be is inconvenience & disregarded due to how different i am compared to the vast majority of this dull world. i'm seen as a real quack job, a nut case. which over time seems to give any person with which crosses my path the idea that they have any right to label me as a manipulator, i was born sick but it's all just that i'm out for attention. i've never known a day thus far without soul shattering levels of pain. even the best of days hurt more than most imagine, i still after all had to experience it while being me.
as far as the message im trying to get across, i couldn't tell ya what the hell it even is. after being isolated from quite literally any & all human contact, after living within the confines of 4 increasingly claustrophobic interior walls, i guess this is just the one place i have left where i feel any kind of safety. between u & i, it's all been set up so when it's deems to be THE time, i'll have more than what i could ever need and best of all being simply just peace of mind. the legwork is done, it's all ready as soon as i am as well. that way, i won't have to scramble ideas, source inventory or even have a chance for a damn soul to get in my way, not a chance to stop me, because at this point all i know is i am absolutely dead set on it, i just want to fucking die.
not too long ago, despite how off it may have seemed at that time, i took the one last attempt to save myself if ever be given again & risked every bit of it all because some boy told me kind things & somehow it did actually feel like I AM finally understood. for the first time of my life it was as if i was worthy & valued, deserving of any others effort & time, and as absolutely stupid of me as it was, i also let myself grow to genuinely love that boy. unfortunately, just like all others in my life, it wasn't ever actually based on the truth or had anything solid within it at all. my last ditch effort to at least find contentment seeing as happiness is too far away still for me as any kind of goal, the only time id be given to literally save my own fucking life, was ripped away in one fast excruciatingly malicious, selfish ass tear of my soul. once again i was no more than what everyone sees of me from the outside, which is never more than some sex fantasy perverted individuals make me into within their own minds, i've never been a single thing other than smokin hot. i'm sure it can sound great at first but being desired physically then consistently rejected mentally & emotionally has killed me entirely at this point already. i see not one reason then as to why i subject my physically form to such torment & misery.
i guess that's why i just won't anymore.
i'm tired. for so long i have kept my head above the water enough to survive while every now & again scream out with my soul in hopes somebody, please help fuck literally anybody please see me because i'm about to go under again n for the very very final time i ever will.
all it ever would've taken to make the universe of a difference for little ole me, is one person who doesn't judge & has enough compassion, just let go of norms bc they don't apply in the least bit when it comes to me just show me i deserve still to be fully embraced.
i've never had a friend this entire time. never more than simply a matter of wanting to fuck me or wanting to fucking be me. oh, my bad there is a lethal dose of pure hate that comes right with it too. and if by chance a soul thats encountered mine happens to come across this, just know yes it's exactly as i've always said & is now while taking in my agony. yeah just to toss it directly in the trash like the funnies from last weeks sunday paper after forgetting day after day i keep meaning to be rid of it.
if anything is to ever be educational & come to serve a purpose from the short & trauma filled years of torment im going to be free from, the most fitting of all it could be is just for human beings to STOP treating other human beings any less than respectfully & regard them with decency, because that's a u would ever want someone else to fucking do for u.
with all this being said it has come time to close up my inner thoughts & exhaust myself just getting by another day with no chance or possible way that i don't have to do the shit and still have to be me.
this is where i always say how much love i have for whom i'm addressing but since i have nothing more than just posts on tumblr saved to my own blag, it feels larger than life to say i dont fucking love shit & the first excitement to run through my body in so so very long comes from finally making the decision to ensure the ending to my very own life.
i won't see this time next year. maybe not even in 6 months. sooner the better in my book.
so long & fuck off to every single last one of u. the reason those who are born into suffering don't stand a chance is all because of selfish close minded tainted vile cruel tasteless hurtful manipulative wastes of good quality pack full of potential clean slate souls.
i hope the world burns and maybe then everyone would feel a touch of what i've endured full force now for every last moment in my 25 years of life.
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Across the country ~ day 7
And thus we reach the end of the Kadam Week 2022 tribute, the last prompt was On the opposite side of the Country. From Washington DC to Santa Barbara
The only warnings I want to share with this story are this, Kurt is being a little whiny (with good reasons), it is not Blaine friendly (surprise surprise), there’s the audacity of a marriage proposal over the phone (you were not the only ones thinking are you kidding me?), Oh and it is dialogue only (it’s a plain old style phone call, it was a miracle there were not intermissions)
The story can be found at ff.net, ao3, or after the break line.
“Tell me again I am stranded here in Washington DC where it’s cold, rainy and there are more huge egos than sense?”
“Oh Da’ling, that’s because you support the good work you dad does by being one of our congressmen. You love him and want him to succeed. And when they attacked him about his family, you were almost out of the door without even get a suitcase with you”
“Hmf it’s to fair though you’re literally at the opposite side of the country and I bet the weather is so much better than the one I’m suffering now.”
“Aaah look at you starting to sound almost like a proper english gentleman with your talks about the weather. While you might be correct that the weather is marginally better on this side of the country, I by no mean find pleasure in the warmth of the sun or the ocean breeze without you here to share them with me.”
“Hurgh. Why do you have to be so sensible and sweet when I want to be mad? It is unfair! And I miss you… Having you here would have been a lot more fun, and it’s not like you have seen DC yet… You are missing out and I’m here all alone…”
“Awww luv you know that it was a very unexpected change, I was supposed to have the week free but then Miguel got hurt and I promoted as the main lead because I was the only one in the company who had been around since the first workshop… Maybe you can show me DC next time another of those events comes up, and I know you. You are alone right now for this call because you’ve distracted your brother with some touristic landmark and then walked away enough to have privacy…”
“Ah so says you, I mean ok that’s correct… And I know, I know it is a good thing for your career, and bad for Miguel’s ankle, but we had almost everything planned out, it was going to be so beautiful, and you know, with our relationship on the papers then Blaine would finally get into his blockhead that we are no longer together, will never get back together, and there’s no way I’m actually going top take him back… He is becoming annoying”
“Snort Only becoming annoying darling? You are certainly more patient and charitable than me on this topic. Do I dare to ask how many hare brains and jack asses from your supposed friends had he recruited this time to pressure you into something you don’t want?”
“Sigh, Adam… We are not on a three state area level yet…”
“Hurgh, Kuuu’t come on, I know he was your first love, I know you have history with him, but have some pity for my sake. Until you give him the cut ostentatiously he will always try to bring external pressure on you so you cave in just for politeness sake…”
“Shnnn, I know you’re right, and I’ve tried I promise there is nothing that still ties him to me, and I have tried to ignore him, he just doesn’t understand… That was why…”
“Hhmmm do you really think that way it would work? That he’d leave you alone?”
“Hnnnn I don’t know, I hope so but it is not guaranteed, I was hoping more for the fact that other would get the message and stop backing him up and harass me…”
“I could see id Mathew could take my place if you want. If you think that would work there’s literally close to nothing I wouldn’t do to free our life from such annoying tosser”
“You said our life, do you really mean it? With no take backs?”
“Da’ling… Are you proposing to me on the phone? While we literally are at the other side of the country? After talking about the wanker whose head is permanently glued inside his behind due to the abnormal amount of gel in his hair?”
“Meh I’m not hearing an answer, and I would have done it in person, I had put your ring in your backpack… I had hoped to walk into the state dinner with my fiancée, but clearly that is not possible…”
“… Love, Kurt, it would be my utmost privileged and honor if you walked into that dinner wearing our rings to tell the world that you’re engaged. I wish I could be there, I’m sorry that I’m not.”
“Adam, my love, I wished for you to be here, but even more selfishly I’m glad you’re not, because it means one your hard work is paying off and two that as soon as you have a four day break I can fly to you to Santa Barbara and have you only for myself instead of having to share my fiancée with my whole family and other guests…”
“You’re always welcome da’ling, I love you so much…”
“I love you too, I can see Finn coming my way… call me when the show is done? I want to say good night, in the meantime break a leg”
“You too luv, please survive the boredom of the evening, for I look forward talking to my fiancée tonight…”
~the end~
To the list of Kadam Week 2022 prompts
To the master list of all Kadam Week 2022 submitted stories
#kadam fic#kadam glee#kadam glee fics#long post#kadam week 2022#my glee fic#my kadam fic#dialogue only
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#yes i stole this from another post but im gonna vent for a sec#bc its REALLY cool that someone at my insurance decided im not actually sick#its really cool that the INSURANCE got to advise the DOCTORS ab whether or not i need further testing#someone over at independence has decided that because i have no prior history of physical brain dysfunction#(bc my cocktail of mental illness dont count i guess)#(nor does my ACTUAL history of head trauma??)#and therefore if i get further testing i pay out of pocket and that shits fucking expensive#and our rent just went up and i just. ugh.#i guess its not a huge deal ive been told theres no risk of it being terminal#and only a 'moderate' risk of it being serious#but like. id still love to know why my head literally always hurts. why i never dont have a headache#like when i say i have a headache what i mean is it hurts worse than the baseline hurt#but its not supposed to hurt AT ALL#and i was told its probably connected to my migraines and insomnia#but like.#the other problem is now i have to like#go through psych evals again to get back on the proper medication.#but the waiting list is. long. and as long as im still on antidepressants im not at risk of suicide probably#i mean tbf im. i ran out of antidepressants ab a week ago and just havent refilled it#i dont know... why. i can feel myself getting worse but i just. havent made one single phone call#idk whats wrong with me its like i want to be sick.#ugh its all just. too much.#its cool how some greg over at insurance can practice medicine without a license with a greater authority than a doctor.
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my girl (part 4) - rafe cameron
a/n: SURPRISE! I wrote a part 4 ;) i had this idea right after i said i was only doing 3 parts - but this really is the final one! I really hope ya'll enjoy. It's a little shorter than the rest! (not my gif)
Summary: Nope sorry you have to read!
Warnings: swearing, mentions of sex, kissing, and test anxiety
Word Count: 4.4k
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my writing
Your phone buzzing on your nightstand distracts you get again from cramming for your Chemistry final. The exam happens in two days, yet you feel like it might as well be in two hours with the amount of anxiety you have. It's your second year of college, and boy, it hasn't gotten any easier. Thankfully, your roommate is out for the night so you have your entire dorm to yourself to study.
You lean over and check your phone. Another missed call from your fiancee, Rafe. Beside your phone on your nightstand sits your engagement ring. You stare at it for a moment and swallow your feelings, then move back over to your chemistry textbook. Your phone buzzes again - a voicemail from Rafe this time, which you don't bother to listen to.
Chemistry is your focus tonight. Chemistry is what you need to be studying for, what you need to know inside and out. You throw yourself back into it, shutting off your phone when it buzzes yet again. You need absolutely zero distractions.
About twenty minutes into it, you hear a loud knock on the door. You sigh, figuring your roommate forgot her ID or keys again. You pull open the door and sigh, fully shocked when you find Rafe standing at your door. He's out of breath from running inside from the parking lot, and he looks pissed off.
"Oh, good, you're alive," he snaps, pushing his way into your room before you can even invite him.
"What are you doing here?" you ask him, closing the door so none of your nosy neighbors can listen to yet another argument between the two of you.
Things haven't been good. You're sick of him calling and texting you all the time, him begging you to come home, and constantly asking who you're with when you go out. On top of all of that, your classes this semester are harder than they've ever been, but Rafe never respects when you say you need space and time to study.
"Checking to see if my fucking fiancee is breathing!" he shouts, throwing his hands up in the air, "I mean, shit, Y/N, I called you, like, twenty times."
You glance over to the nightstand at your phone, realizing your ring was over there, too. You know he won't like that.
"I shut my phone off. I really need to study, Rafe," you tell him, but he's not listening.
Instead, he collapses onto your bed and puts his head in his hands, sitting directly on your Chem textbook and notes.
"Oh, my God, what the hell? Get up," you snap at him, walking over and pushing him off so he doesn't ruin your notes or textbook pages.
"It's fucking fine," he replies as he stands, barely glancing at your papers.
"No, it's not. I need this shit to pass my exam-" you hold the wrinkled papers up.
"They're literally fine, Y/N," his voice raises, "Stop being so dramatic."
You take a deep breath before you speak again, knowing whatever comes out will not be very nice. You've really been trying to be patient with him, but it's getting harder and harder.
"I'm not being dramatic, Rafe," you say calmly, "I just really need to study and I need peace and quiet."
He sighs and rubs the back of his neck as he debates what to say next. Neither of you want to start a fight, but you both have a lot of shit to say. His eye catches the shiny object on the nightstand and he looks over, figuring out it's your engagement ring.
"What the fuck?" he gasps, picking it up and holding it out to you, "Since when do you take this off?"
You put your hands on your forehead and sigh, realizing this is going to take up a lot of time that you don't have. And the fact that Rafe drove eight hours on a whim because you didn't pick up his calls all day has made you crazy.
"I cannot do this with you right now," you tell him, stepping toward your Chemistry stuff.
You'll just have to go to the library and study if he's going to be here. There's no way you can get any of your shit done with him bitching about your ring.
"Oh, my bad, when can you do it, then?" he rolls his eyes, "Huh? Can you give me, like, a window of time where you're actually available to talk?"
"Rafe-" you start, but he holds his hand up.
"No, because, I mean, I don't hear from you all day, and I'm fucking worried about you, so I make the long ass drive to come check on my soon-to-be wife, and now I'm the bad guy? Yeah, no, I get it now!" he exclaims.
"Jesus, okay, I have to go," you say, grabbing your backpack from the floor and sliding some slippers on.
"Right, to study," he grumbles.
"Yeah, to study," you snap back, "Just because you didn't go to school doesn't mean you can't at least try to understand!"
You rarely raise your voice at him, so Rafe knows you're mad. He stares at you for a second, deciding if he should acknowledge your comment about him not attending school.
"It's not about whether or not I understand, it's about time management," he lectures, making you roll your eyes, "Don't roll your fucking eyes at me."
"Don't show up at my dorm unannounced!" you yell back.
"I wouldn't have been unannounced if you would answer your goddamn phone!"
You take a deep breath and exhale loudly, then step closer to the door. Rafe walks over to you and grabs your arm, spinning you around. You stare up at him like he's crazy, he's never laid a hand on you like that before.
"Put your ring back on," he demands, holding it out in his hand.
"What the fuck is your problem, Rafe? You think I'm gonna get hit on walking to the damn library? Get a grip," you mutter, trying to yank your arm from his grasp but failing.
"I'm not playing," he tells you, holding the ring up in his other hand.
"Neither am I," you snap, "Let go of me."
He stares at you for another few seconds and then releases you, groaning loudly when he does. He steps away from you and runs his hand through his hair, then sets your ring back down on the nightstand.
"What's going on with us?" he grumbles, sitting down on your bed again.
You start to feel bad as you look at him, so you step closer and set your books down on you desk. You open your mouth to speak, to apologize and return your ring to your finger, when he speaks out again.
"Why didn't you answer the fucking phone when I called?"
You close your mouth quickly, swallowing the words you were about to say. You stare at him for a moment, then you decide that it's just best to tell him the absolute, stone cold truth.
"Because I have shit going on, Rafe. I have a Chem final in two days and I'm not at all prepared, I have other finals and an entire paper due by the end of the week, and I have you up my ass about everything in between and it's just a little overwhelming right now."
He brings his head out of his hands and looks up at you. His expression changes from hurt to angry in about one second, so you brace yourself.
"So what do you want me to do to help you, then?" he asks, his voice agitated. You can tell he's trying to be patient, but he really wants to yell.
"I just need you to give me some space right now," you state.
He nods his head, moving his eyes away from yours and down to the floor.
"Space," he repeats, "You want space."
You nod your head slowly, afraid now to speak. You can't tell what his reaction is about to be, but obviously it isn't going to be a good one.
"So, you ignore my phone calls," he holds up one finger, "You take off your engagement ring," another finger, "And now you want space. Do you think I'm a fucking moron?"
He stands up off the bed, now towering over you. Your hands come up to your face, rubbing your eyes to try and relieve some form of stress.
"God, Rafe, you're making this out to be something it's not-"
"Am I?" he shouts, "Do you want to marry me or not? I mean, I really think that's what this boils down to. Am I what you want, or not?"
His yelling combined with your stress and confusion makes you yell back at him.
"I don't know!"
He steps back, almost like you've hurt him, and stares at you with a look you've never seen before. It's anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness all rolled into one, heartbroken expression. It makes your stomach turn thinking about the fact that you're hurting him.
"Well, there it is," he says, his voice cracking, "I'll just get out of your way, then."
He leans down and grabs the ring from your nightstand, wrapping his large hand around it and then stepping toward the door.
"Rafe, wait," you say, "Where are you going to go? You can't drive home in the dark."
He doesn't turn around, he can't look at you. Not when you're not sure what you want.
"I'll sleep in the truck," he says, his voice weak and quiet.
"No," you protest, "Rafe, I'm sorry."
He stands there for a few seconds, then turns, and you see the tears in his eyes. One has fallen, and rests on the bottom of his cheek. He wipes it away, but not quick enough.
"Why are you sorry? I'm not what you want anymore," he laughs, but nothing is funny.
Another tear falls and you step forward quickly, reaching up to wipe it away. He closes his eyes under your touch, always loving feeling your skin on his.
"I didn't say that," you say gently, tears welling in your eyes from seeing him like this.
"Just..." he trails off, finally opening his red eyes, "Go ace your Chem final. I'll see you at home in a few days."
He reaches up and grabs your hand, removing it from his cheek. He lays a quick kiss on your knuckles, then closes his eyes again when he lets go of you. Not sure if it's his last time feeling you.
He turns to leave, opening the door up before he turns back to you.
"I love you. I always will."
He doesn't wait for your response, he just closes the door behind him. You turn and look at the nightstand where your ring once sat, wishing to God that it was still there. You want to tun after him, but you know you can't. You two just need some cooling off time, you tell yourself. You'll come back again atfer finals when you get home for Christmas break. He'll hold onto your ring for you, you convince yourself of that.
You can't focus. The next day, you spend all your time in the library, staring at a page in your Chem textbook, and all you can focus on is your empty finger. No pretty ring that reflects every ounce of Rafe's love for you. You check your phone, but all you see is an empty screen. Your wallpaper is a cheesy picture of Rafe holding a wine glass. You took it on your anniversary last year and love everything about it, especially his cheesy grin.
Tears start to form in your eyes, so you do what you have to do. You call him. It rings and rings and rings, then you hear his familiar, raspy voice on his voicemail.
Yo, it's Rafe. Leave a message and I might hit you back.
You close your eyes, those two sentences being the most you've heard from him in almost twenty-four hours.
"Hey," you start your message, "Look, I'm sorry about last night. I really want to talk. Please call me back. Love you, bye."
You sigh and hang up the phone, then look down to your book again. You try and try to focus, but you can't. It just is impossible with everything spinning around your brain. You can still see the look on his face when you said you weren't sure, you can still hear him say 'I love you' right before he left.
And it's all you want to hear again.
You slam your book shut and grab your stuff, then make your way out of the library. Once you get outside, you call Rafe again. You hear the same ringing and the same message from his voicemail, so you leave another.
"Baby, please call me. I'm worried about you. I just want us to talk. Please call. I love you."
You hang up and walk back to your dorm, checking every five seconds to see if he's called you back. You really just want to hear his voice, to apologize, and to be able to focus on Chemistry again. Knowing that Rafe is out there hurting is just too distracting.
You call hm again after you get back to your dorm, giving him about thirty minutes to call back before you try him again. When he doesn't answer, you leave another message.
"Hey," you say, your voice sounding more desperate, "I'm going to call Dad and have him come get me. I'm skipping out on my Chem final. I just want to come home and work things out with you. Call me, please. Love you."
And you mean every word. You sit down on your bed and you remember how Rafe had helped you move in on your first day of freshman year. You remember how he made love to you and how he proposed to you in the parking lot before he left. And you remember all the times he came to visit and you two laid in bed and planned out your whole wedding reception together, laughing and joking about who to invite and who to sit together.
As you sit there and remember it all, remember the kisses and the laughs and the feelings you have when you're with him, you've never been more sure in your life. It's Rafe. It will always be Rafe.
You hear a knock on your dorm room door and hop out of bed, rushing over to it. It's him, you hope. Coming to rescue you, coming to hold you, coming to give you your ring back. You pull open the door with a big smile, only to find your roommate, Alex, standing on the other side.
"Hey," she says, looking confused at why you opened the door like that, "Sorry. I forgot my keys."
You drop your shoulders and nod, moving her out of the way. She leaves the door open as she moves over to her side of the room to search for them. You sit back down on your bed, checking your phone once again. He has to call back eventually.
"You're not ditching your Chemistry final."
You look up and see him, standing in the doorway, staring at you. His eyes are tired, his hair is a mess, and he looks like he's hung over. You don't even want to know where the hell he's been for the past day.
"Rafe," you breathe, hopping up from your bed.
You want to throw your arms around him, hug him, and have you hold him. He stops you when you get close to him, holding out his hand to keep distance between the two of you, which practically breaks your heart in two.
"You're not coming home until you take that test," he repeats, "You've been studying for it and if you don't take it, you fail. So, you're staying. I called your dad."
You frown. This is not how you imagined it. He seems colder somehow.
"Okay," you say, "Fine. But I want us to talk."
Rafe shakes his head, leaning against the doorframe. Alex walks up behind you, whispering she will be back later, and leaves with a quick smile to Rafe.
"I'm giving you your space so you can focus. We'll work on us when you're done with the semester."
He sounds firm, but you know you can win this one. You step forward, so close that he can almost feel your skin on his. Your scent fills the air, and you watch as he swallows his feelings.
"Rafe," you say, your voice soft, "I can't focus on anything knowing that I hurt you. I need to talk about us and figure things out. Please."
"Baby," he sighs, and you know you've won just by the return of your nickname. It's your favorite, which is why he calls you it so often.
"Please," you say, taking his hand. Your fingers wrap through his, pulling him inside.
He groans but enters anyway, both of you knowing that he would do anything for you. The door closes behind him, which you're thankful for. You sit him down on your bed and instantly crawl onto his lap, not caring if that's what he wants or not. That's what you need. Your head buries into his chest and your arms wrap around his neck.
"Baby," he says again, this time with more authority.
You bring your lips up to his neck to soften him up, listening to the small moans that come out of his mouth as you work.
"Rafe," you say against his skin, "I'm so sorry for what I said yesterday."
He hums, so you give him a few more kisses on his neck before you pull back to look at him. He stares at you with soft eyes, and you know you've already won him over. But you still need to say what you need to say.
"Truly, baby. I was wrong. I was angry. You are all I want in this world and I couldn't handle any of this without you. I was acting extremely ungrateful and I'm really, really sorry," you continue, watching him smile sadly at you.
"Well," he smirks, moving his hands from your back down to your butt, "I've always known you're a brat, so."
"Hey," you pretend to pout, but really, you just want a kiss. He gives you a slow, gentle one, one that makes you want to melt into him.
"You are the love of my life," he says, "You could never say anything to make me walk. And I'm sorry for being such a dick yesterday and for not respecting your school. I'm gonna get better. This shit is just hard for me, having you all the way here. I just miss you when I'm home."
You nod, reaching up and brushing his hair away from his eyes with your fingers. Even when he hasn't showered, is in the same clothes as yesterday, hasn't styled his hair or even slept well, he still is the most handsome to you.
"I understand. I'm sorry for being so hard on you," you say, kissing him on the cheek.
He smiles against your lips, bringing his hands up to your face to move you down to his lips.
"Are we okay?" he asks you in between kisses.
You hum against his lips, and he takes that as a yes, so he flips you over and lays down on top of you, kissing you like his life depends on it. He quickly moves down to your neck, his hands going underneath your shirt.
"Oh, my God, I missed you, baby," he tells you as you feel him leaving a hickey on your neck.
"Always marking me up," you laugh at him, feeling him smirk against you, "I missed you, too."
"It killed me not calling you back," he continues against your neck, "But I wanted to do right by you, you know?"
You gasp when he bites you slightly, then laugh when you feel his big grin on your neck.
"That's why I love you the way I do," you say sweetly.
He sits up and looks down at you, smirking widely, "Can you love me like you do right now and then get back to your studying?"
You bite your lip and nod, pulling him back down on top of you.
A little while later, you and Rafe lay naked in your bed, just breathing in the other. Rafe is drawing hearts into the skin on your stomach, leaving little kisses every so often on any inch of skin he could reach with his mouth.
"You need to get back to studying," he says, but doesn't stop with his kisses.
"Can I have my ring back first?"
He looks up at you with wide eyes, wondering if you really mean it. He didn't want to bring up the ring, just in case you had changed your mind about the engagement.
"You sure?" he asks quietly.
You grab his chin and pull him up to you, stroking his hair as you give him a couple quick kisses.
"I've never been more sure of anything," you tell him.
He nods and kisses you again, then hops off the bed and pulls the ring out of the zipped up pocket of his shorts. He grins at you and then jumps back in bed, of course landing on you when he does.
"This is a twin bed, you ogre. You can't be jumping and shit, there's not enough room for you!" you say as you try to free your left side from underneath him.
He moves and lets you get situated, then holds out the ring. You hold up your left hand for him ti put it on you once again.
"Will you marry me?" he asks, and you would've laughed at him if his voice wasn't so gentle and nervous.
"Of course I will, Rafe Cameron," you tell him, smiling.
He slides your ring back on your finger and you somehow feel more complete, more whole, knowing it's there.
"It's never coming off again," you tell him, meaning it.
He kisses you softly, "No, it's not."
Rafe takes a shower and then hangs out on your bed on his phone later on to keep himself occupied while you study for Chem at your desk. You ask him to quiz you and he does, even though he knows nothing about Chemistry.
It gets late, so you tell him you'll study the rest tomorrow and hope to be prepared the following day for the exam. You put your book and notes on your desk, then slide into bed with Rafe, who you made stay with you tonight. Although it didn't take much convincing.
"I can't believe your dad is just letting you take all this time off," you mumble against his chest.
"Hmm," Rafe hums, so you know you're wrong, "I've kinda been dodging his calls."
"He'll be mad," you tell him, and he nods.
"I don't care, though. I got what I came here for."
You spend all day the next day studying in the library for Chem and writing your paper, while Rafe packs your things for you. He figures it's one less thing for you to worry about, and then you can just come with him after you finish your exam. He had told you he wanted to be the one to bring you, his soon-to-be wife, home.
Rafe waits for you outside your building on exam day. One by one, students file out of the building, and he gets even more anxious every time you aren't one of them. Eventually, he stops pacing and sits down on a bench, praying that you do well.
He sees you emerge from the building with only ten minutes to spare, and jumps up to greet you.
"So?" he asks, his voice hopeful.
"I won't know for a few days," you tell him, "But I'm confident. I felt like I had most of it under control."
He smiles, taking your hand in his and kissing it, "I'm so proud of you, baby."
You smile and thank him, then put your head on his chest in hopes that he'll wrap his arms around you. With the amount of stress you've been under the past few days, all you want is just for him to hold you right now.
"I'm so proud of you," he repeats, swallowing you up in his arms.
You breathe in his scent and relax, knowing that even if you fail every class you ever take for the rest of your life, you will always have a place in the arms of this boy.
After a few minutes, you move to look up at him by resting your chin on his sternum, staring up at him. He smiles down at you, running a hand through your hair as an attempt to calm you down.
"Take me home, Rafe," you tell him quietly, and he nods.
He reaches down and takes your hand, leading you away from the building. You two go back and grab the remaining items you need to bring home, the rest Rafe already packed in the truck, and then go out to the parking lot to head home.
You feel relieved, ready to spend some quality time with Rafe and really make sure to work on things so that nothing ever gets bad between the two of you again.
He puts you into the truck and closes your door, then hops into the driver's side. He reaches over and takes your hand, staring at the ring on your finger and smiling softly.
"Let's just elope and get it over with," he looks up at you, already laughing because he knows you'll never agree.
"Yeah, I'm glad our wedding is something you just wanna get over with," you roll your eyes, but can't help your smile.
"You know what I mean," Rafe groans, "We don't need all the bullshit and the drama. I just need you. And a minister."
You laugh at him and nod, understanding what he means. He looks down at your hand in his, at the diamond on your finger, and so do you. You honestly can't remember why you took it off, you just know you never will again.
"A small wedding it is," you whisper.
He leans over and gives you a kiss. Then another. Then another. He pulls away and starts the truck, then looks back over a you.
"Baby, I'll do whatever you want."
That sentence combined with the cheesy smile he gives you afterward is what convinces you that, no matter what, Rafe will always be yours, and you will always be his.
Tags: @cmrxac
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