#but i am not capable of it yet
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(text from this post, fic is little kid with a big death wish by @remedyturtles)
i'm genuinely not sure where to start here - ig first of all this fic is absolutely incredible and if you somehow haven't read it yet you absolutely should!
okay. man. rem, this fic means so so much to me and i'm so glad i got to be here for it. i think this is one of those fics that'll stick with me years down the line even if one day i'm not into tmnt anymore, one i'll come back to over and over again
your writing has touched so so many people myself very much included, and i just. want to thank you so much for writing this fic and thank you for sharing it. you're an amazing writer and an amazing person and i'm lucky to know you. i can't wait to see what you do next
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#tmnt#little kid with a big death wish#my art#forgor all my tags its ok ill come back later <3 anyway#god theres legit so so so much more i wanted to say but i cant get. the words right augh#i kinda tried to put some of it in the comic though so. yeah. the emotions anyway#idk idk i just have a Lot of feelings abt this fic and how real it feels and just . man. it hits so so hard /pos#just... the fact that dw leo has been through everything he has and is capable of recovery and living. even if he doesnt want to live just#yet. hes getting there. makes me feel like i can too as cheesy as that sounds lajfd;lajlfkl#anyway ive rambled enough i spent ten (10) full days on this comic i am setting it loose into the world. be free#suicide attempt cw#dissociation cw#<- just to be safe. ask to tag if theres anything else lafj;dljsafkl
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I’ve been sick for such a long time my body atrophied so badly. Not just my body but my mind. Because I was used to that limit. Too much exercise would shoot me into brain fog and exhaustion. It was terrifying trying to expand that boundary because I remembered days where I sobbed trying to walk to the bathroom. I know I’m not sick anymore but my body isn’t so sure.
But Wyvern really was the boot camp I needed to get up constantly and consistently. I went to bed aching every night and afraid I was at my limit but I’d wake up and be functional the next day.
Losing him was devastating but I’m so committed not to lose the progress he helped me make. I’ve been going on walks every day, I finally got to being able to add my mini workout back in.
My betrothed and I are going to the redwoods next week and I’m actually gonna be able to walk and play. It’s such an enormous gift he gave me.
#ramblies#chronic illness#it’s still hard to process when I was capable of making this change#between an sutoimmune disease and a chronic viral infection that both fed into fatigue#when was I better? am I really better?#gonna keep slowly upping my activity cause I haven’t gotten a firm No yet from my body#joked to my betrothed that I’m basically Colin from secret garden
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Cellbit trying so hard to stay level headed and rational and keep shit together, but when Hombre Misterioso comes in with some fuck shit, and he’s not sure if he’s only hearing him inside his head, his response is basically ‘I can and I will out crazy you without hesitation’. He’s like I have done fucked up shit before and I will do it again if you give me an excuse I swear to god. He’s like I’m level headed and reasonable right now with rigid self control, but if you give me a single reason I will kill us both
#Cellbit on his last thread like I can and I will snap and make this your biggest mistake yet jfjskfkd#he’s like lol if you’re really in my head you picked the wrong guy. good luck have fun#Cellbit who is so aware he is capable of just going fucking off the walls like haha! one more thing and I will go off willingly and it will#have repercussions you wouldn’t have even dreamed of :)#pac walking on eggshells but also needing to rely on Cellbit while helping forever like ‘man isn’t it fucked up were the most stable rn’#he’s very like ‘I’ll light myself on fire to burn you’ kinda energy yknow what I mean#Cellbit a reformed cannibalistic murderer like I have had a fresh start I am a changed man. be careful tho#idk it’s all. his character sure is something lmao#mcyt#qsmp#Cellbit#z speaks
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I'm about to start the Playboyy finale and while I'm TERRIFIED of how this is gonna go, I just want to say it's been an honor enjoying watching this show with the 20 other people in the tag.
#playboyy#playboyy the series#I'm so excited I'm so excited I'm so scared#I've been up for over 24 hours so I know if this goes pear shaped#I will NOT have the emotional capability to handle it#and yet here I am lol#regular clyde
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Why does trying to make lifestyle changes to a more balanced diet as an adult who had an eating disorder as a teenager have to feel so much like trying to defuse a bomb.
#GODDD.#and part of it is the sensory issues#and the fact that my metabolism and capability to tell when I'm hungry are seemingly permanently fucked from when I was a teenager#but I am 21 years old. 22 in two weeks. This feels like it should be less of a herculean effort than it is. And Yet.#ghoul.txt
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it's so funny (read: sad) that if bigoted fuckheads didn't insist i was a woman simply by virtue of my body at birth, i'd probably be chill with she/her pronouns in addition to he/they. if my mom didn't insist i was her daughter, i'd probably let her call me that, and we could still have a relationship.
i'm nonbinary and 'gendered' words are hypothetically meaningless, but because there are so many people who are more interested in telling me who i am rather than lovingly and curiously letting me express my own sense of self, those words carry trauma.
there's no reason a nonbinary person like myself can't be a son and a child and a daughter. there's no reason a nonbinary person like me can't go by he, they, and she.
'she' is not a slur. 'daughter' is not derogatory. 'beautiful' 'pretty' 'gorgeous' 'feminine' are not insults.
to the contrary, they're parts of language that express certain facets of a multi-faceted human existence, like mine.
and i have this sad, mournful feeling that if it weren't for unloving, condescending people, i'd probably be down to be called any of those things alongside my usual masculine/neutral terminology.
but i'd rather die than let anyone tell me what i have to be called.
#i try to reclaim 'feminine' words for myself in private#calling myself 'babygirl' when i need to chill out. or saying i feel pretty. or going 'she needs help' when i'm struggling lmao.#but there's still so much fucking trauma in those words from the people who've forced them on me#who've snarled in my face that GOD made me ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY and that's a WOMAN (stepdad)#who've guilted me for taking their precious perfect daughter away as if i'm fucking dead (mother)#who've mocked me and everyone like me as if we're not the experts on our own sense of self (general transphobic public)#like. i'm not a fucking man. i'm not a fucking woman. i'm nonbinary. gender is absurdity as a concept. i'm done with it.#but being called a man or a son or a guy or 'he' or WHATEVER in that vein is fine and dandy because i've never had anyone say#'that is all you can EVER be'. or worse: 'that is what GOD made you to be and you have a ROLE to fill'#(christianity pls die approximately yesterday thanku 💖)#so yeah. idk. ranting yet again about Cis Audacity.#the complete lack of empathy. the lack of curiosity even.#the condescending bullshit. the 'i understand you better than you do'. the fucking AUDACITY.#i am the expert on myself. i am the ONLY expert on myself. period. no contest. not a debate.#i understand myself better than anyone else is CAPABLE of understanding me.#i could call myself 'she' and understand that i meant it in a nonbinary way.#in fact i could even see myself letting other trans people call me feminine terms at some point in the future. when i've healed more.#but cis people? probably not. they can call me 'he' or 'they' or they can fuck off & never get to know me because they don't wanna know ME#/end rant#any terfs/bigots that try to touch this post will be swiftly blocked and quite possibly cursed. have the day you deserve <3
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I tried drawing young mithrun but ended up with an attempt for a kbms lovechild so uh:
MYRTLE (84)
Half-elf/born in Melini
Assigned female at birth/non-binary
Grew in tallman pace until they suddenly stopped growing at 20 years old
Currently working for their uncle (Kerensil Trading Company) in Melini but wants to be an adventurer
Close with their parents as a child but developed a strained relationship with Mithrun and Mithrun's struggles with rying and finding desires (worsened when Kabru died but they're both all good now)
More stuff under the cut:
Myrtle was actually an 'accident' and Mithrun carried them for 4 years (someone shared a HC that elves have a gestation period of 4-5 years so I'm borrowing that lol)
Myrtle spent most of their childhood in the Golden Kingdom and was visited by his uncle (Mithrun's brother) and Milsilril (who they call Auntie but at one point called her 'Grandma'). They are more familiar with Tallman/Golden Kingdom and Utayan culture, but not acquainted with their elven roots (they actually find Western elves intimidating)
Kabru did his very best sharing what he remembers of his hometown; Mithrun had assimilated into the Golden Kingdom way of life at this point and found some (most) of his elven noble ways too cumbersome
Myrtle was a kind child who grew up doted and loved by his parents and relatives. And they love their family with the same ferocity. But growing up, Myrtle was quickly made aware that his father, Mithrun, was 'not normal' - in most days, he was okay; in others, he struggled to get out of bed. In rare days, Mithrun was completely catatonic, and seeing Mithrun unresponsive, staring at the distance, scared Myrtle so much that he became somewhat of a troublemaker child, so that Mithrun always has to act and respond and not have anytime to be lost in his thoughts.
At some point, Myrtle 'disliked' Mithrun for the way that he is, not understanding his situation at all. Myrtle thinks that Mithrun does not love them enough to be better, feels ashamed that they cannot do anything to help Mithrun be better. But Myrtle's feelings on Mithrun comes from a place of love and ignorance - love because they do genuinely love their Father; and ignorance because they were never told why Mithrun was like that (Myrtle heard of what the dungeons were, but Kabru nor Mithrun never bothered to tell of the demon, Mithrun being the dungeon lord, or the full extent of the destruction of Utaya)
Once Myrtle became aware of their parent's pasts, they understood them a lot better.
Also thinking that a point of friction that Myrtle had with his parents was their dream of becoming an adventurer and fighting monsters (which were still rampant, though weaker) and Kabru insisting that they choose any other dream but that. Myrtle in their teenage years found Kabru too strict, too protective, not that Mithrun wasn't. But Mithrun at least was willing to teach them how to fight; Kabru made it clear Myrtle was not allowed near even a walking mushroom. Learning that Kabru was from Utaya, and what exactly happened in Utaya, made Myrtle understand why.
Eventually though Kabru concedes, knowing that Myrtle is much more capable, and surrounded by their own friends and comrades who will support them. I think in the last years of his life, Kabru made sure to prepare everything that will help Myrtle in his adventuring journey if they chose to embark once he is gone - such as speaking with guilds all over the content, ensuring a diplomatic immunity for Myrtle when they're in ally countries, writing an annotated adventure guide just for them, etc.
They work as a Vice-Manager of the Kerensil Trading Company (Mithrun's brother's merchant empire), but that's just a gloried name for the position of intern. Mithrun technically manages the Kerensil Trading Company branch in Melini, and is being pestered by Mithrun's brother to take over the main branch so that Mithrun will move back to the West. Mithrun is unmoved so Mithrun's brother has plans to declare Myrtle as 'heir' of the Kerensil merchant empire, all for the purpose of having his brother and niece move to the West (Mithrun's brother does not see the point of Mithrun and Myrtle staying at the Golden Kingdom any longer after Kabru's death)
(The beauty mark next to Myrtle's right eye is something that they got from Kabru's mother)
#kabumisu#while i was writing these notes everything just came out#from the floodgates#i have so much ideas for this kbms lovechild but i am not happy with the design just yet#but i do like imagining myrtle (kbms lovechild) as somewhat of a spoiled but also dearly beloved#and because they were beloved they were shielded mostly from the 'bad stuff' at the cost of them being unaware by what they are#so they can be incredibly naive and have a difficult time understanding other people's struggles#including their own parents#i like to imagine that they began being aware of some of the bad stuff when they overhear bad rumors about kabru#or getting questions from their friends as to why mithrun stares into the distance for no purpose#eventually kbms learn that part of parenting is explaining some of the harsh realities of life to their child#when they are capable of understanding them#so they can guide their child properly of what to do or how to prevent it
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Sudden £25 payment to Blackwell's and for a second I thought someone was using my card until I realised it was my Judith Butler preorder dispatching, which makes more sense, and also HYPE!! NEW JBUTTZ!!
#i have been thinking of this all month#'is it the 19th yet. when do i get my new jbuttz'#the group chat has absolutely broken me i am not capable of not calling them jbuttz. sorry
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Xena Warrior Princess 3x07 The Debt (2)
You mean that I should serve someone who hates me. More than that, you need to serve someone you hate. I'd rather die. You've been a dead woman for a long time now Xena, I'm offering you the chance to live.
#xena warrior princess#xwpedit#xenaedit#wlwedit#wlwsource#tvedit#dailyflicks#xena*#gif*#I am 100% on the xena/gabrielle train bc duh but man I LOVE xena's relationship with lao ma and I wish we'd seen more of it in the series...#lao ma being xena's first turning point and helping her gain her consciousness back etc is so important to me...#lao ma is described as both soft and hard and that's exactly what xena needed and yeah she loved her and admired her so much to the point#that she felt indebted to her#xena in the debt ep series is lit like that meme that's like#If Lao Ma has a million fans then I am one of them. If Lao Ma has ten fans then I am one of them. If Lao Ma has only one fan then that is me#If Lao Ma has no fans then that means I am no longer on earth. If the world is against Lao Ma then I am against the world.#anyway I just love it - I just love the idea that dark xena came around to the point of wanting to serve this woman simply because she#believed in her and in how much of a good influence she could be 'I have been blessed or cursed to see into the souls of others. You don't k#know it yet Xena but you're a remarkable woman capable of greatness'#LIKE....... idk it just makes me insane the unconditional support the unconditional love.... anyways
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Barbie movie fanart dump 4/4(END)- Misc
#barbie#barbie and the secret door#barbie princess charm school#barbie and the twelve dancing princesses#barbie and her sisters in a perfect christmas#barbie and the three musketeers#barbie and the rockers#barbie mermaidia#barbie magic of the rainbow#barbie mariposa and the fairy princess#For the 6th one I had people give me characters to draw. Debated on having it in#the fairytopia post since they were 2/3 fairytopia characters but. na#I actually can't believe I haven't drawn Alexa yet WHAT am I even doing. Embarrassing.#lowkey I think romy would be smart when she's not high on oxygen and a very capable fighter#(that bow isn't for nothing baby)#but also still kind of a. a loser. an underwater airhead.#Nori is the brains of this operation#The merliah one is a background study#cakeart
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it’s so weird to think that ryuji was only a major character in one canon game. like he’s such a strong character with such a strong personality it doesn’t feel like he was only prominent in one canon game at ALL. he feels almost as ever-present and beloved as someone like daigo and yet he’s basically never even mentioned after kiwami 2. that’s so crazy to me.
#am I saying bring ryuji back? yes. end of statement#same goes for mine to a slightly lesser degree. and somehow yokoyama agrees with me on both of these I think#I am biased in a way because I am one of the few who has been lucky enough to play dead souls but. yeah#those two are also just good examples of antagonists that are almost comically malicious but still somehow have depth under the surface#and redeemability. in a way. not saying mine bulldozing an orphanage is Forgivable im saying he Did start to have a change of heart at the#end of y3 so he’s Capable of change and whatnot. and ryuji’s just a bully who takes his feelings out on other people usually physically#like he’s very much a teenage bully in the body of a gigantic adult man.#cause he never had to grow out of that. no one challenged him/his views/etc enough to do so. until the end of yk2#AND IN DEAD SOULS ITS JUST A FACT THAT HES GROWN AS A PERSON AND MATURED.#it’s somehow a DRASTIC difference in personality from him in yk2 and yet still believable because of how much in his life had to change#and because he is like. the adult version of the previous ryuji. I know ryuji was already 30 in yk2 but you get my point. he wasn’t grown up#not really. (same goes for daigo- they’re such obvious foils for one another it’s so interesting and I wish it was explored more but ANYWAY)#ryuji#yk2#rambling
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Also thinking about the ‚I am the eldest boy‘ line. Not the eldest son, the eldest boy - probably because those were the exact words Logan used when he sat him down in the candy kitchen to tell him he was going to take over one day. That interaction has lived in his mind for so long and he has literally built his whole being, his whole life, on that declaration (you are the eldest boy) and the subsequent promise (so you are The Heir)
#'he promised it to me. promised' also is soooo . biting and chewing at the wall#like kendall asked him to promise it and he did. and that was it it was a done deal and he devoted his life to those words#not yet knowing . who logan was. the things he was capable of lying about#oh this is so messed up why am i thinking about this today !!!!!!!!!!!#kendall roy#succession
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i literally need one my talented writer moots to write a cattonquick oneshot or smth that has to deal w ollie getting spit on in some way……like the thought of felix spitting in his face the night of the party to dehumanize him yet ollie gets turned on by it cuz he’s a freak…hmmm 🤔💭
#sorry not sorry for talking abt spit lol#like i am very much so capable of writing this yet i feel so incredibly insecure in my writing#also my moots styles of writing are SOOO good#i love y’all#oliver quick#felix x oliver#cattonquick#felix catton#lgbtqia#wormswurld posts 🌟#wormswurld brainrot 🌟#nsft
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Visual representation of me trying to keep track of all the details after I’ve exaggerated with the worldbuilding and outlining and subplots
#writeblr#writing problems#writer problems#writing#worldbuilding#outlining#currently fighting the foresight that haunts me with visions of readers criticising plot holes#why did I have to be arrogant? why did I have to prove anything to anyone?#and yet it is the crushing realisation that I am just trying to prove to myself that I am capable and worthy of praise#writfunnies
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The mortifying feeling of being too disabled to work most jobs physically without being in pain and underperforming, not being mentally there enough for others (I also do not want to drive when being so spaced out jfc), but not enough for the government and in a situation where they'd go "nah you're fine" if I applied is really hitting me rn 🫠
#vena vents#not art#I feel like my life having a lot of good momentum being slammed on the breaks by the pandemic really fucked me up mentally#because I remember how I was and yet here I am#capable of only commission work and short term wfh gig stuff that's incredibly unstable#on top of the SSRI side effects#I can only hope my leg is a temporary issue and not lifelong but we just don't know
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049 with 15, please
I want to make scary art. It’s not working. Thank you for the request.
#digital sketch#scp 049#my head don’t feel awesome#need to touch grass#listen if anyone is reading these I need you to understand#I am very capable of making art far better than this#yet every time I pick up my pen I suddenly lose inspiration#I don’t know what it is#hopefully it goes away.#drinking ice water sooooo good
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